How the hell did I get here?! Why am I a small bunny belonging to my favorite pony ever?!
AN: This project has been cancelled due to a number of circumstances. In its stead, I am now planning a rewrite which I aim to finish. If, for some unfathomable reason you want to know why, see this blog.
A first-person fanfic based on the concept of "Why am I Pinkie Pie?!". Only with Angel instead of Pinkie.
Shoutout to Page Turner for giving me that swag picture to use for this story's cover!
I honestly don't know what the fuck happened. One minute I'm strolling through the park, minding my own business, and then all of a sudden I'm thirsty. No biggie. So I make my way over to the water fountains and take a drink. For some reason, something feels off. One of those "Weird for weird's sake" feelings. I sneeze, and suddenly everything's fucking HUGE! And something's covering my eyes. I lift them off my face, and BAM! Fuckin rabbit ears that are attached to my goddamn skull. Weird shit? I think so. Add the fact that I'm somehow on the edge of a forest overlooking a cottage, and you've got some serious dope right there. Or, it would be dope, if there was more trippy shit goin on.
I stood there for a full minute, just staring at the primitive looking cottage in front of me. After overcoming the initial shock, I did what any normal person would do- scream my ass off and totally flip my shit. Which, in hindsight, wasn't smart, because I'm now being obsessed over by a butter yellow Pegasus that's at least 6 times bigger than I am.
XXX
I screamed at the top of my lungs as the realization hit. I wasn't in the park! I wasn't at home! Hell, I was pretty sure I wasn't even on earth anymore. Two reasons: 1) It was colorful out here. I mean really colorful. As in "Holy shit, this literally hurts my eyes to see everything" colorful.
2) There was some freaky shit about that forest. It was high noon, but there was absolute zero light penetrating those trees. But more important things had presented themselves to me. Things like- HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GOD DAMN MONSTER HEADING RIGHT FOR ME!!! I saw a giant four legged monster thundering up to me and high-tailed it out of there. Or, I tried to. The big beast got to me before I could sprint away and drew me up into her crushing grip of death. Horrors beyond my wildest nightmares were about to come true! The crunching of bones and snapping of tendons as I would be painfully eaten alive were anticipated... But weren't coming. I looked up in confusion. The great beastie stared back at me. Not in hunger, more like... Concern. Fear even. I was beyond confused. Even more so as the thing spoke up. "What's wrong Angel Bunny?!" it asked in fear. I sat for a minute, my eyes wide as saucers. What the.. her voice sounded awfully familiar. Almost exactly like.... No, that's just insane. I looked around, finding my surroundings to be more farmiliar with each passing second.
There was no way in hell I could just randomly teleport into Equestria. My Little Pony wasn't real! It just didn't make any sense. And yet here it was, quite literally staring me in the face. "Angel Bunny?!" Fluttershy was looking at me with real concern now. And she called me Angel Bunny? Why would she... I looked down at myself. No longer was I a 6"2' human being. I had a tiny little body covered in white fur, long slender hind legs, smaller fore legs, a short little stub of a muzzle, a pink nose, and whiskers. I sat there for another minute before I gave a long gasp and had a revelation.
My eyes are composed of cells. Those cells are composed of molecules. Those molecules are composed of atoms. According to some scientists, those atoms (if broken down) contained entire universes, which in turn contained galaxies, which in turn contained solar systems, which contained planets, which contained biological organisms, which are exact copies of us only infinitely smaller. Which have eyes. Everything smallish is a small version of something big? Check. I understand everything? Check. It all made sense now. I was somehow trapped in Angel Bunny's body. That's right, I was the pet of the best pony ever. And now she was holding me. My mouth began working, trying to make sounds. Fluttershy watched me for a moment before bringing me into a warm embrace. "It's okay Angel, just calm down. It's okay. Just take it easy." she attempted to reassure me. It wasn't effective. I just hung in her grasp, my mouth gaping open and closed like a fish. Eventually my brain rebooted my mouth. "Fluttershy?!" I had to make sure my brain wasn't fucking with me. Fluttershy gave a gasp of her own and held me at arm's (legs?) length. "You can talk Angel?" Mother of god... I was here for reals. "Oh...My...Sweet...Baby...Jesus..." Fluttershy looked at me with extreme confusion. "W-what?" Although I knew where I was, I was having trouble expressing my discovery. "I... You... It's the... By your... In...wow." That was all I remember saying before passing out. At least, I think I passed out. Don't really remember what happened after that.
I woke up and stretched real good. The first thing I noticed was that I was in a big soft fuzzy bed. Which was probably the best bed I'd ever slept in, which didn't make sense because I had a 20 year old box spring that felt like shit.
I curiously opened an eye. And, somehow, I wasn't at home. I laid there for a second before remembering the events that played out yesterday. Oh, right. I wasn't on Earth anymore. Now I was chillin like a villain in Fluttershy's cottage. I let out a groan and sat up. Damn, I was thirsty. So, doing what any normal person would do, I got up and searched for a sink or a fridge to satisfy my thirst. Before I go any farther, let me explain how rabbits walk. When grazing, they take super small steps with their legs. Their fore legs take either individual steps or step in pairs, and their hind legs are brought up together in a pair after they've taken steps with their forelegs. When running, they hop long distances using their rear legs like a launcher. Their fore legs are used as a kind of landing gear, because they always get a little bit of air time when they spring forward. Now, let's pretend I didn't know this at the time and tried to walk upright like I'd done for my entire life before. As one could imagine, I fell and smacked onto the floor spread eagle. I laid there for a moment taking in my fail at walking, when I heard a muffled clip-clop sound coming from somewhere. Probably Fluttershy coming to check on the sudden noise. Figuring it would be better to let her come to me, I waited. And waited... And waited. I must've sat there for 10 minutes expecting something only to be greeted by absolutely nothing. Eventually I got up again and set out to explore Fluttershy's house. It was just as the show depicted it: rather sparse with plenty of room for her animal friends. And boy, were there a few of em. Cats, dogs, birds, snakes, other various reptiles, insects... You name it, it was in her house. And every single one of them was in between me and the kitchen. Now I realize that they were just going on about their business (assuming animals HAVE a business to do), but at the time they all seemed to like to cut right in front of me. I had gotten cut off three times before I decided enough was enough. "All right! That's it! Everybody move the fuck out of my way!" I shouted. They looked at me for a moment before clearing a line between me and my destination. Abusing this newfound privilege, I made my way to the fridge without any other trouble and opened it. A vast collection of fruits and vegetables met my eyes like a drop of golden sun. There were apples of the greatest size and color, lettuce heads literally as big as I was, carrots a head taller than I, various peppers that I could smell through their plastic wrappings, the most beautiful carrots I had ever seen, celery stalks that looked crisp and fresh, and some sweet...sweet...carrots. Oh my god, those carrots were the absolute PINNACLE of perfection. I HAD to have them! I slowly reached out to grab the stack of carrots. Slowly... Slowly... Must not disturb the delicate balance of the mana from the gods... *SLAM* The door slammed shut just as I was about to reach my prize. I twirled around, ready to give whoever just did that the ass whoopin' of their life. "Hey! What the..." I trailed off. Before me stood the awesome might of the Fluttershy. Who, coincidentally, was looking rather cross right now. "Angel Bunny, how many times do I have to tell you to stay out of the food! Your other friends need everything in there just as much as you do!" As she said so, I noticed the animals behind her suddenly get rather skittish. Why would they... Unless... Fuck. My eyes widened as I looked into her face. "I've told you time and time again, but you don't seem to listen. How am I going to get through to you?!" Her voice wasn't gaining volume or intensity, but I was scared all the same. For there, before my mortal eyes, was the dreaded Stare. The Stare: whose dreaded intensity was enough to frighten a Manticore. The Stare: whose fearsome path reduced all inside it to a bumbling fool. I looked on in awe and fear (and a puddle of my own liquid wastes). My willpower seemed to melt away, and any thoughts I had quickly deteriorated. My very soul had disintegrated into ash under the most horrid of gazes. I am not a religious man, but on that day, at that moment, I prayed. "Celestia save me!" I gasped. Fluttershy's gaze gave the slightest of flickers, before intensifying two fold. "So this is how I die..." I made my final comment and closed my eyes, fully expecting to be instantly de-atomized on the spot. It never came of course. I took a few deep breaths. "Just make it quick, Fluttershy! I don't want a slow and painful death! I don't want a death at all! So just make it quick!" my request met no action. "If you're gonna do it, just do it!" again, nothing. "Okay, fine! Watch me beg for my pathetic life!" I got down low, drooping my ears to the floor and raising my paws together in a pleading motion. "Pleeeaase don't kill me! I don't have a wife or kids! I don't have anything to leave behind! I never went skydiving! I never saw Venice!" My current strategy seemed to be working, as she was no longer giving me the accursed Stare. Now she was looking at me with a mix of concern and confusion. "I wanna live! I WANNA LIIIVEE!!!" I broke down and started bawling. Literally, bawling. I haven't cried that hard since the time I broke my leg in third grade. And that's saying something. I was broken down for what felt like ever. As the tears escaped my eyes, I tried to make convincing arguments about why I should live. Mostly it was one long streak of unintelligible babble, with an occasional word thrown in. Some time ago, Fluttershy had taken me up into a hug. I was fiercely hugging back, staining her fur with my tears. After an hour of her warm and comforting embrace, I was now merely whimpering quietly into her fur. And I noticed she was humming a song to me, which actually was calming me much more effectively than when I had to collect my thoughts alone. I stared off into the distance. "Fluttershy?" I asked in a quiet voice. "Mm-hmm?" "Sorry I broke down like that." "No, I should be sorry. I only meant to get my point across. I didn't mean to go that far." We both sat their quietly. Seeing as how now was a point of peace, my doucebag brain decided to work. It popped a single thought into my head.
You've been crying like a little bitch in front of Fluttershy for an hour. Aw, damn. Looks like I'm right. I HAD been crying like a little bitch. Dwelling on this, my situation was suddenly infinitely more awkward than before. I sat there for a minute before I realized that now I was probably severely dehydrated. "Hey, Fluttershy? Can I get something to drink?" I asked. "You already have a drinking bowl in the living room, silly." She gestured to the room I had just come from. Son of a bitch. "Are you fucking kidding me." I said in an exasperated tone. My word choice drew a gasp from Fluttershy. "Angel Bunny!" I was about to ask what the big deal was, but Fluttershy had other plans. She yanked me up and dropped on her back, pinning me down with a wing. "Where are we going?!" I asked in confusion. "We're going to wash out that bad word in the bathroom sink!"
I fucking hate soap. I don't care that it's clean. I don't care that it smells nice. It tastes like ass, and I am never going to touch soap again for as long as I live. Not gonna bathe, not gonna wash my hands. I'm not gonna do none of that shit. Anywhore... After Fluttershy had duly punished my mouth for its choice of words, a knock was heard at the door. She went to answer it, and I sulked under her couch. As I groveled, I heard a muffled conversation gradually growing louder. It finally became comprehensible as Fluttershy entered the living room, accompanied by three little sets of hooves. I bet you five bits I know who they are. "Come on, Fluttershy! Pleeeaase?" I heard a young females voice pleading with Fluttershy in a country accent. "I don't know girls. Angel hasn't been feeling himself lately." No shit. "We promise to take real good care of him!" Another voice tried to reason with her, this one more "tomboy-ish" in tone. "I'm not sure about this..." "It's not like he'll be there all day. What's the worst that can happen?" The third (and youngest) voice rang out. Applebloom? Check. Scootaloo? Check. Sweetiebell? Check. Cutie Mark Crusaders: Troublemakers... yay... "Oh... All right. But make sure to be extra careful! I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but I'm willing to do it anyway." Fluttershy paused for a second. "Oh, Angel! Come out, come out wherever you are!" she shouted (a Fluttershy shout, dumbass!) in a sing-songy voice. I knew exactly what she was pulling, and I wasn't gonna fall for it. I ain't no stooge! "If you come out, you can have a carrot!" Damn! My only two weaknesses- Fluttershy and carrots! But I still had some fight left in me! "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid! Make it three carrots and we have a deal." I shouted from my hiding spot. I waited for them to make the next move. "Three carrots? But one will do nicely, don't you think?" If she thought she could sucker me with her sweet melodious voice, she had another thing coming. "Four carrots!" Nothing like a good haggle to get the blood boiling. "Four? That's too many Angel. I think one will be enough." "You wanna make it five?!" "Oh my goodness, no!" The four ponies in the room had pinpointed my hiding place, and had dropped to the floor to catch a glimpse of me. They may not have been able to see me, but I could see them. And trust me when I say.... D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! Each one had a pleading, puppy dog eyed look on their face. "How about two?" Fluttershy asked with a sweet smile on her face. The "cuteness" center of my brain had a nuclear meltdown, but not before the trio of fillies had their two bits worth put in. Their eyes grew even wider, and they put abso-fuckin-lutely ADORABLE little pouty faces on. "Pleeeaase?" They asked me as cutely as possible. I almost puked up a rainbow right there. All the cute suddenly turned into UglyCute. You know- when cute overlaps cute's integer and wraps right the hell around in ugly and then back into cute again? Yeah, that happened inside my head. "Okay. Fine. I give." I gave a sigh of defeat and crawled out from my little cave. The Crusaders all gave a Crusader "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!" and ran out the door. As they disappeared into the distance, I heard them shout: "See ya in a hour!" I looked to Fluttershy. "So... Care to explain what just happened? 'Cause I'm kinda clueless." She proceeded to fill me in on the details. Today was "Pet Day" at Ponyville Elementary. The girls had tried to borrow pets from their family and friends, but nothing had seemed to be workable. As a last-ditch effort, they came to Fluttershy to borrow me. Now normally, I'd be indignant and super pissed about how I wasn't being treated as an individual, but the Pegasus had me wrapped around her hoof, and I went along only somewhat begrudgingly.
XXX
Now I remember why I hate school. Fuckin people, man! Or- wait... I mean ponies... Using correct vernacular is gonna be harder than I thought. Moving on to more important subjects! The day wasn't actually all that bad, it was just full of little colts and fillies asking me questions. I'm half convinced it was just to hear me speak. I mean, be honest- would you or would you not find it humorous to hear the voice of a 20 something year old man coming from a little bunny? If the circumstances were different, I would say so. Unfortunately, from the bunny's perspective, that shit ain't funny at all, and that brings us to our first problem. Language. I never realized how often I say "shit" and "fuck" until I was surrounded by young ponies that were easily impressionable. It was a constant battle of me catching myself (sometimes too close for comfort) and correcting what little I had said into something less serious. In the end I barely won. My next problem was finding common grounds. It was easy enough to answer the questions. The hard part was wording it in a way that they could understand. Remember, they're in the age range of roughly 8-10. That alone causes some subject matter issues. I mean, cracking yo-mama jokes and the like usually only got me a bunch of confused glances, and occasionally a dirty look from Cheerilee (who, for future reference, you shouldn't piss off in any way if you want to keep your ears in tact). This only covers half of my day. Wanna hear the other half? Well go fuck yourself, because I'm not telling you a damn thing. ... Okay, fine. You talked me into it. After my turn for attention had ended, I had to sit with the girls and wait for everyone else to get done. No problem, right? Wrong. So very very wrong. I sat with Scootaloo next to a weasel. A weasel, of all things! And I swear, that little rat bastard was BEGGING for an ass beating. Makin faces at me, struttin around like he owned the place, and producing some VERY obscene paw gestures. I never knew the toes on your paw could bend like fingers. I'll have to try that later.
Uh-oh. I gotta go. Fluttershy's decided that my behavior was "unacceptable", and now I'm grounded. Tell ya more tommorow.
I woke up in the early morning to see Fluttershy standing at the edge of my bed. "Uhh. Fluttershy? I don't-why... What's going on?" I mumbled into my pillow. Fluttershy walked over to me and started her sweet-talk like only she could do. "Good morning, Angel. Today's your annual vet checkup, so you need to get up." I lifted my head up and gave her an unamused face. "What time is it?" I asked. "It's seven o'clock." I sighed and face-pawed. Such and ungodly hour. "I hope you realize, I'll only do it for you." I've noticed that I'm just putty in Fluttershy's hooves. Seriously. She could tell me to do anything, and with a little effort on her part, I would break down and do it. It's my only weakness, and she takes advantage of it on a daily basis. One of these days it will be my downfall...
XXX
The visit to the sick fuck-tard that dissects animals for fun and money passed without incident. Half because Fluttershy promised me a piece of carrot cake, and half because she said I'd be ungrounded if I behaved. Not that I wasn't tempted to turn the vet into diced pony, I was. But that damn carrot cake was too good to pass up. Such a delectable delicacy of deliciousness is impossible to reject.
And I was not disappointed. When we got home I hopped up to the table, Fluttershy went to the fridge, and she pulled out that...mother...effin'... CARROT CAKE!!! She opened the door, leaned in, turned around, and had the absolute best looking carrot cake I had ever seen in my life. And that's a lot, coming from a guy who didn't even like greens and veggies. If I had to put it another way... It looked like solidified sex. Like, if there was a way for me to go and fuck that cake, I would do it. No joke. Seriously. I know it sounds weird, but if you saw it, you'd say the same thing.
Anywhore... Where was I? Oh yeah- the cake. So after Fluttershy pulled it out and I nearly had a premature carrot-gasm, I tore into that shit like it was my last meal on earth. And as I was tearing into my prize, somebo- somepony, knocked on the front door. Fluttershy, who had been watching me with a pleasant smirk, went to go answer it, and I was left alone with my carroty goodness of absolute smexxy. I heard Fluttershy answer the door. Whoever was there was really fuckin' loud, because I could hear them all the way in the kitchen. "Hey, mare! I'm throwin' a party in a few hours! It's gonna be totally buckin' rad! You should come over and chill.... Naw, mare- EVERYPONY'S gonna be there! I got Pinkie as my wingmate, so you KNOW it's gonna be rockin'! Just show up and hang out! Mine and Octie's place, four o'clock." Fluttershy walked in and sat next to me. "Who was that?" I asked, still attacking the cake before me. "Oh, somepony named Vinyl Scratch. She throws very loud parties, and they sometimes last all night long." She explained. I finished my mouthful before asking another question. "So, are you going or what?" "Oh, I don't want to go. It will probably be very loud, and there will probably be a lot of ponies there, and I'd just rather stay here." I chewed my bomb piece of godliness thoughtfully.
Vinyl Scratch was throwing a party. Pinkie would be there. Vinyl's parties are estimated to be off the goddamned chain. Pinkie's parties could get pretty crazy too. Vinyl + Pinkie = "F*ck yeah!"? I think so. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get Fluttershy to let me go. "Hey, Fluttershy, can I go?" "All right, Angel. Just don't stay out too late." That was easier than I thought it would be. Oh well, who gives a f*ck! It's about to get epic in this bitch!
XXX
I had been at the party for ten minutes before I finally cracked. When I had heard that Vinyl and Pinkie were throwing a party together, I had gone on the fandom belief that both ponies parties were fuckin sick. I was so disappoint. No awesome dancing, no drugs anywhere, and most importantly... No Applejack Daniels anywhere. The most basic and key ingredient was missing! Well I'd be damned if I wasn't gonna do something about it. I hopped over to Pinkie and Vinyl to get the ball rolling. "Oh. Hey Angel! Enjoying the party?" Pinkie's bubbly energy was there, as predicted. "Ehh. It's okay, but I think it's time to bring it to the next level." Pinkie and Vinyl gave each other a look before turning their attention back to me. "And what's the next level?" Vinyl asked me. I smirked and hopped up closer to them. "Applejack Daniels, mother buckers!" At the subject of smashery, I got two different responses. Vinyl was all for it, eager to get to my revolutionary "next level", but Pinkie seemed uncomfortable with the idea. "It's bad, and bad for you." She'd say. Apparently she'd never gotten smashed before... This was gonna be fun.
I listened to Vinyl and Pinkie banter back and forth for a while, but eventually tired of it. "Hey, Pinkie. You ever got smashed before?" She shook her head, and that was all the confirmation I'd needed. "Well, let me tell you right now, it's fucking great. Gimme a bottle and I'll show you." And, via Pinkie Space, I got my paws on some Applejack Daniels.
I managed to convince Pinkie to give me two more bottles before I felt a buzz. Given the fact that I'm a foot and a half tall and weigh like 20 pounds, that should've been impossible. And you're probably thinking the same thing, right? Well, fuck you. I'm Angel Bunny, mother fucker. I do what I want.
Anywhore, I just started to feel a buzz when Pinkie got curious. "What's it feel like, Angel?" It felt like someone was tingling my brain with a nine-volt battery of winning. And that's exactly what I said. Pinkie seemed a little confused, but she took just how I'd hoped she would, and cracked one open for herself. Vinyl was already finishing her second by the time I'd gotten Pinkie to crack one, and celebrated with another. I, of course, was not far behind. "Hey, dude, where's Rainbow Dash? She should totally get in on this!" I said. Dash, having heard her name, walked up to me. "What's up Angel?" She asked. "I bet you five bits I can drain this bottle of AJD in ten seconds flat!" "Yeah right!" Ten seconds later I was five bits richer, and Rainbow Dash was dumbfounded at my drinking skills. "Buck me! Angel, you are amazing!" She said. I cracked a smile. "All day. Every day. What can I say? That's how I play. It's Angel Bunny Style." My smile grew bigger and bigger. For some reason, all I could think of was Oppan Gangnam Style, edited so that it was Angel Bunny Style. The idea grew on me. "Hey Vinyl, throw some sick shit on that turntable! We needs wubs!" Vinyl was on that bitch like cotton candy. She put on a track that was the exact same as Gangnam Style. Hell yeah.
"Angel Bunny Style... Bunny Style...
I don't mind just hangin' out with ponies. Hangin in Ponyville, talkin' to the ladies. Chillin' at home, with carrots when I got the muchies. When I got the munchies.
I'm a guy - 'ey! Who's hangin out with famous ponies every day. And you best believe me when I tell you that I know every pony in the Harmony - 'ey! In the Harmony - 'ey!
Friendship is magic! And it's fantastic! And you know! (Hey!) You're just a ho! (Hey!) Friendship is magic! And it's fantastic! There ain't no way! (Hey!) They'd run away! (Hey!) They'll come and save your ass any and every fuckin' day!
Aaaaaaand, that's it. I can't remember a damn thing after that. Not the rest of the song, not anything after the song, not nothin'. But I will say this: thank god that it wasn't my house. When I woke up the next day, I was in a tree overlooking a house that was partially burned down.
I looked around, taking note of the fact that I was in the fork of a tree and that some poor fuck's house was halfway torched.
Most likely by me.
I looked down at the ground. A bunch of passed out ponies were scattered all over the yard, and yard itself was scattered with trash. Most notably, Vinyl was scrawled spread eagle on her back, her trademark tinted shades nowhere to be found.
"Oh shit... Better cheese it." I mumbled to myself. I got up in the tree and jumped, aiming to land on some pony I didn't really recognize. I fell and landed square on the unlucky mare's stomach, quickly falling off as she curled up and groaned in pain.
"Yeah, my bad. Thanks for breaking my fall, though." I said out loud. She just whined and rolled onto her side. I took a step back to do a once-over on her.
She had a light pinkish/purplish coat, a raspberryish mane that looked pretty ragtagy, and a bunch of berries for a Cutie Mark. Oh, shit. I just used Berry Punch as a goddamn landing pad. Oh well. I doubt she'd be able to remember this anyway, given that she supposedly gets more drunk than your mom's new alcoholic boyfriend every day.
The hell was I doing? Oh yeah, cheesing it.
So I hopped off, passing ponies and trash on my way out of the yard. Some things were bugging me though.
Like, where's Pinkie?
Or where the fuck was I?
Or, more importantly, why don't I have a hangover that's worse than your ex-girlfriend's period on crystal meth?
"Eh. Whatever. I'm in the land of the fucking Maguffins or some weird shit. Like I care about stupid details. The important thing is I didn't wake up in jail." I muttered to myself. At that moment, a big piece of newspaper blew in my face.
"Echh! God dammit!" I snatched the paper up and was halfway done with crumpling it before I recognized that Pinkie was featured in it. I smoothed it back out and took a closer look. It was the front page of this morning's edition for the Ponyville Star. It wasn't good.
"Local mare caught spiking party with alcohol!" The headline read. I blinked and read the rest of the article.
"Ponyville's resident Party Pony (pictured above) was caught last night distributing a large quantity of alcohol at a party thrown for a local musician in honor of her most successful album release to date. The illegal substance, thought to have been long since removed from Equestria, was found in a high quantity around the celebration area. Town guards and local police alike are cooperating with a Royal Enforcement Squadron, sent in by the Sun Princess herself to investigate the cause of this incident and the source of the substance. Anypony with information regarding this case is strongly encouraged to go to the police or guard and relay all information possible."
Caution: bad words! Grow a pair and don't get so fucking offended.Bitch.
Well, Pinkie's in jail now. So... That's a thing.
Oh well. Not my fault. I'm not even fucking liable. If Pinkie tried saying anything about me suggesting the idea, she'd get tossed straight to the looney bin. Seriously: "A talking rabbit that held down more alcohol than Berry Punch spiked the punch at my party"!? How ridiculous does that sound?!
Oh wait. Fluttershy would probably say that was a "no-no", and then I wouldn't get any goddamn carrot cake. And I need that fucking carrot cake like Rarity needs to be a self-centered fashion whore. But I can't post bail or let Flutters know I had anything to do with that deliciously illegal booze...
Great. Jailbreak it is.
Breaking someone out of jail was never painted out to be a walk in the park back home. There was always some extremely detailed plan, or a map of the building and guard patrol routes and shit, or something. I had none of these things, but I know someone who probably did. And why wouldn't she? She lives in the town library for Christ's sake- there's bound to be something useful in that giant chunk of wood!
Figuring this, I quickly and stealthily made my way to The Golden Oaks Library in downtown Ponyville. Using my amazing stealth skill refined from childhood years of Sly Cooper and Metal Gear Solid (and everypony's natural instinct to ignore me), I made it there without any problems. I looked around quickly to make sure nobody was around, and then I slipped inside, yanking the door shut behind me.
The first to greet me was Spike, who was conveniently arranging the shelves near the library's entrance. "Hey! Welcome to Golden Oaks! Just one second and I'll be right there with you!" Spike said. I hopped over.
"There's no time for your stupid bullshit chores, you retarded purple lizard! I need to go and break Pinkie out of jail, and you're gonna help!" Spike whipped his head around to me and stared with wide open eyes and a gaping mouth.
"A-Angel?! What?! You can talk?!" I facepawed and sighed with frustration.
"No shit, asshole! I've already established that fact! Drop your shit and find something to help us break into the police station! I need to get moving right the fuck now!" I shouted. Spike just stared at me, completely dumbfounded. It was like he'd never seen a talking rabbit before, I swear to god...
"Listen you little cock-hole monkey, I've got to go break Pinkie Pie out of jail before Fluttershy finds out I let Pinkie shower everybody with 40 gallons of liquor, or my carrot cake supply gets cut off!" I explained before hopping up and grabbing the front spine on the top of Spike's head and proceeding to dangle from it. "And I fucking need that carrot cake." I growled as i glared into Spike's eyes. He let out a nervous gulp and nodded.
"O-Okay, Angel. One book on the Ponyville Police Department, coming right up!" He stammered before running off to find a book to help me plot a jailbreak.
I laid on my belly underneath a cart, just a few hops from the front doors of the Police station. Spike was leaning on the cart on the opposite side, out of sight of the guards stationed out front.
"Hey Spike, remember that time when you weren't a fucking worthless douche?" I asked.
"It's not my fault!" The dragon whined. "How was I supposed to know there wouldn't be anything on the building itself?!"
"Well, you're a librarian, you clueless fuck. Now shut the hell up for 2 seconds and get ready for my plan. Blue Horse should be ready by now. Got the plan memorized yet?"
"Um... Stand behind you and say nothing?"
"Good boy. Now let's break!"
Without another second to waste, I moved out from under the cart and hopped up to the guards. The guards, unfortunately, only saw what they believed to be an innocent and adorable bunny hopping up to them out of curiosity.
I rose up on my hind legs and looked up at the guards. Just for added effect (and to really fuck with them), I even managed to squiggle up my nose like I was sniffing at them. One of the guards broke character and cracked a small smile.
That was when I chose to strike.
"You know, a lot of people come up to me and say “Hey, Angel Bunny. I have a question."
Both of the guards blinked and looked down at me, showing I had their full attention. Perfect.
"Spike is a useless piece of crap a lot, and acts really gay. Is he gay?'
"I have to laugh."
I quickly inserted a fake laugh.
"Could you imagine that? If he was gay?
Could you imagine?
A newborn deer runs through a field A rainbow shines from heaven A child's smile lights up the room As Spike blows a dude."
One of the guards had to do a double take. Spike went to say something, but a backhand across the face shut him right the fuck up.
"A star shoots in from outer space A puppy licks its mother A ray of sunlight through the trees As Spike licks a sack."
At this point, the were either blanching or flinching. But I was also getting into it.
"There would be no sadness If he was super gay Just hayshakes, horns, and magic If he was super gay
We would all be flying On a tasteful pink duvet But mostly Spike (Waoh! Woah!) Spike is fucking gay!"
"Hey!" Spike shouted. A quick punch to the gut shut that bitch up.
Ooooaah!
Spike is gay!
Oooaah! Oooh! Oh!
Here's a list of things that Spike likes to suck:"
Quickly, I hopped over to the guards and began counting off.
Your dick, my dick, Your dick, my dick, Your dick, my dick, Your dick, my dick your dick, your dick, your dick, your dick, Balls!
My balls and dick! Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!"
At that moment, I looked up in the sky. A tiny black speck, with a rainbow trail following behind it... If Blue Horse is shitting out rainbows like that, that means she couldn't bust Pinkie out the preferred way, so she's resorting to the Sonic ShitBoom...
When people do things, they also do other things because of that thing that they did, and then people are like "Yeah, that's cool. Good on that thing." I am not one of those things. I mean people. Not those people. I'm the not of that. Which explains why I'm sitting in the Royal Phoenix Cage, hogtied and getting pecked by some feathered little bitch until I crack and say what I had to do with the sweet delicious life nectar of alcoholism at that party where Pinkie got arrested. I won't tell them shit, but I'll run over the details of how I got here so you guys won't complain about "plot holes" and whatever.
--_----_----_----_----_--
At that moment, I looked up in the sky. A tiny black speck, with a rainbow trail following behind it... If Blue Horse is shitting out rainbows like that, that means she couldn't bust Pinkie out the preferred way, so she's resorting to the Sonic ShitBoom...
Oh shit!
Suddenly, Blue Horse veered around and rocketed towards the Police Station, picking up speed and eventually pulling a Sonic ShitBoom before smashing into the side of the building and punching a hole into it like it was made out of soggy rice paper. Naturally, the resulting debris flew out in chunks in random directions. My natural speed and agility in the tiny fuzzy rabbit body I had allowed me to zoom off under the wagon I was hiding under before I had started my amazing song and dance routine. The guards are bigger and stupider and way more lame than I am, so they got the shit beat out of them when they got hit with the rubble that flew their way. Idiots.
Once the dust settled and I made sure that the morons watching the place were out for the count, I ran up to the giant hole in the wall. "Blue Fast? Pinkie? Are you alive? Are you dead?" I called out. "Those stupid douchenipples are out, so it's time to leave!" Blue Horse walked out with Pinkie in tow. "Captain! The mission was a suc-fucking-cess!" Lesbian Dash reported as Pinkie dangled off of her butt buddy's back. "I knew I could do it! God, everyone here would be fucking miserable without me!" I noted. "Jesus I'm so amazing!"
A stern voice rang out in the middle of the cloud of dust that hadn't settled yet. "So you would think, my small and big-eared friend..." Ah fuck. I knew who that was. That was a pony that I really didn't want to tango with, especially right now. "I don't know how you were planning to leave, but your schedule's been changed. Let Pinkie go, and we'll have a nice long chat about what's happened over a warm cup of tea, okay?" I didn't even need to wait for the dust to clear out to know who it was. Of course Socially Retarded Pony would rain on my awesomeness parade.
"No dice, purple nerd!" I shouted. "You didn't think I would actually trust that waste of life you call an assistant, did you?! I knew he would come running to you so you could piss all over my plans!" I hopped over to Rain Blowsguys and handed her Plan B. "Looks like all your books only got you so far, dork!" I said as Liability Dash downed the Rainbow Fuckstorm Pepper. "You forgot one very important thing though: BOOKS ARE FOR NERDS!" With that, Blueness screamed and shot upward, I grabbed onto a hoof and we careened straight up into the sky, leaving the blubbering pile of social awkwardness behind.
I'm so much better than all these moronic ponies I should just makeout with myself.
"Okay, remember the plan! Just head over to your clouds and crash there!" I shouted. The blue case of accidental workplace death didn't reply, and I knew that she was fucked up. Her wings were pumping erratically like an octaplegic spider got hit with a fucking taser, and she was gasping for breath like Big Applehorse had just accidentally dislocated one of her lungs with his incomprehensibly large horse dong. "Blue?!" She still didn't respond. If anything, she seemed to be getting worse. Not only that, she was veering so far off course no living being could possibly be optimistic about where we were going to land. Of course, we were about to crash square into the side of Canterlot Castle. And, of course, I did the only thing I could. I screamed in frustration.
It was a lovely spring day in Canterlot Castle. The sun was shining with all the radiance of The Sister of The Sun herself as it began to slowly slip into the horizon. The sky was beautifully crisp and clear; the wind light and fair, carrying the faintest suggestion of wildflowers from the Canterlot Gardens. The Court was in full session, with various nobles and castle staff coming and going as the very Goddesses of this world attended their thrones and heeded the petitions from commonfolk and upper crust ponies alike.
"I say, Sister!" Princess Luna said. "It hath been a most profoundly wonderful evening!" Indeed it was. "I agree, Luna. It is always such a pleasure to attend to the lives of my little ponies." Celestia replied with a smile. Surely there was no possibility that anything might be even slightly wrong.
Perhaps that wasn't true, though. For at that exact moment, both sisters' ears perked up. Were their ears playing tricks on them, or had they just heard... a faint cry of vulgarity? "I say, Celestia! Mine ears must surely deceive me! Didst thou hear an outcry just now?" "I should certainly hope not! Perhaps we've just misheard the unfortunate pony that spoke. I hope their situation isn't dire..." Oh how wrong she was. For it was at that moment Rainbow Dash, mad with the burning intensity from the Rainbow Ember Pepper, crashed straight into the immaculate wall of stone that separated the throne room from the outside world. With a mighty crash the brick and mortar gave way, and Dash, Pinkie Pie, and the unfortunate soul that was currently trapped within Angel Bunny's body all came tumbling through the opening and collapsed onto the floor. The small white ball of fluffy fur sat up and looked around to get its bearing.
"Art thou well?!" Princess Luna asked. The rabbit looked up at her.
What followed was the largest, longest, and most foul curse to ever leave any mortal being that had lived on that planet.
"Fuck shit cock ass titties boner bitch muff pussy butthole Spike's an asshat!" I screamed. Rainbow Dash looked at me in awe. "Holy shit, dude."
Everyone in the entire room stopped dead in their tracks. An awkward silence swept over the room. Someone dropped a silver tray, and a bunch of bland little baby sandwiches fell to the floor. Celestia and Luna sat awestruck, staring at me with gaping mouths. I looked back at them with a frown. Everything came to a standstill as the Princesses and I looked at each other.
It didn't last long, as Twilight came rushing in with a group of guards. "There he is! Catch him!" Twilight shouted, jabbing a hoof at me from the doorway. The guards filed out, forming a wall to keep me from running away as they marched towards me. I looked back at the hole in the wall. No way I couldn't jump back out without busting my ass falling down the side of the mountain. In the distance, I could see a blue woman-child dunking her head in the fountain, steam spewing out as she sucked water down her gullet to relieve the burn from that spicy pepper I gave her. Guess I should've known she'd bail out on me. I looked back at Pinkie, noting her flat, dull mane as she lay curled up around herself.
"You've got nowhere to go now, Angel. Just accept it." Twilight said to me. I sighed and rolled my eyes, putting my paws up in the air.
"Fine. Just get it over with already." I said with defeat. One of the guards stepped forward and began tying my paws together. Before long I was hog-tied and suspended in mid air, dangling in front of Celestia and Luna like I was the prize from the hunt. Twilight sat before them and cleared her throat before starting her explanation.
"Your majesties. This is Angel Bunny, Fluttershy's prized pet. About two weeks ago, Angel had begun showing different behaviors. He had never spoken before now, and hadn't ever shown aggression to this extreme. I don't have any photographic evidence, but eyewitness statements claim that Angel was at Pinkie's party a few days ago, and was seen pouring an unknown substance into the punch bowls. Given these statements, I propose that the individual guilty for lacing the party's refreshments with alcohol was not Pinkie Pie, but in fact, Angel Bunny. I also suspect that Angel Bunny has not been himself throughout these past days. If my hypothesis is correct, then the bunny I present to you today is not actually Angel Bunny at all; this is an unknown pony entirely, who has been masquerading as Angel to tarnish Fluttershy's image and social standing throughout Equestria. I would like to request that this bunny be detained under the authority of the Crown and questioned, so that we might learn of his exact origins as well as the location of the real Angel Bunny." I rolled my eyes and started a slow clap.
"Oh, bravo Twilight. Bravo. Bravo! Congratulations on that first class detective work, Sherlock Holmes. You figured out that I wasn't the actual Angel. Amazing! Astounding! It would be impossible for anyone else to even guess that I'm not Angel Bunny! Even though I act literally nothing like him, and talk, and suggested that Pinkie Pie share some sweet booze at the party. Yup, no way anyone else might have even suspected something was wrong with me." I sarcastically applauded. "By the way, that was a joke, 'cause in reality anyone with a brain stem should have been able to figure that out! I'm pretty sure the only reason that Flutters hasn't spoken out already is because she wouldn't want to upset me or something." Twilight let out a fierce blush, which she tried to cover up with a frown.
"Well, it's not like I've had a lot of interaction with you!" She retorted. She looked back at the Princesses. "See, this is exactly what I meant when I said Angel's behavior had changed! We need to find out what he knows, and what the rest of his plans are!" Celestia and Luna looked at each other. They quietly leaned next to each other and chatted among themselves for a second before turning back to us.
"Very well, Twilight. We grant you authority under the Royal Crown to detain this rabbit and question him. You are given full access to any resources you might need during this time." Celestia said. Twilight bowed and thanked her before twirling around and trotting out the door, and the guards grabbed Pinkie and began to take her away.
I sat there in the interrogation room, squinting at the light from the lamp shining down on me harshly as Twilight paced around me. She let out a sigh of annoyance as she made her way around me, pausing to glance my way every so often.
"Let's try this again, Angel... What is your real name?" I rolled my eyes, absolutely done with this ass-garbage shenanigan.
"Like I've told you ten times before, I don't remember what my real name is. I can't even think of how long it is or what letter it fucking starts with. I think somebody used voodoo on me to make me forget it or something." Twilight came to a stop and let out a tired groan.
"Why would anypony use black magic to make you forget your name? That would suggest that they either wanted you to stay this way, or that they didn't want you to part with information that might lead us back to your leaders."
"It was just a guess. No reason to get salty about it." I mumbled. Twilight just gazed back at me, unamused.
"What does that even mean, Angel?"
"It means you're salty, Twilight. You're a salty little bucket." Twilight growled at that, and stamped her hoof on the stone floor.
"This is getting us nowhere! Listen, Angel, I'm trying to help you out here! I just want to send you back to wherever you came from, get the real Angel back here, and prevent this from ever happening again! If somepony tries this magic or curse again on me or my friends, we'd never be able to stop them! What's to stop them from using it on Celestia or Luna?! We have no way to defend against this, and you're fighting me every way you can while I try to learn how to stop it!" I stopped to think about this for a second.
"Well, that's pretty noble of you to want to try to stop this from happening again, but you've left out one very important detail." I pointed out.
"Oh really? And what might that be?"
"As far as we know this hasn't happened to anyone else before I got here, and it hasn't happened to anyone since. If some evil pony actually could do this mind switching magic or whatever it is, don't you think they would have done this to anyone else before? Or after? I mean, if they were doing a test run before, they would definitely know how to do it now, so they should have done it again while they had the element of surprise on their hands. Now the word's out and everyone's on guard, so you guys will know if they'd done it again, because you know to look for ponies acting weird. Now they'd be at a total disadvantage, and whatever the original plan was is totally bunk." Twilight's eyes bulged out as she thought about it. But then they squinted again as she glared at me with suspicion.
"Then that means that you've been a decoy the whole time! Well, if you still wanna be difficult, then I think I'll need to use more drastic measures!" She trotted over to the door and gave a few knocks. A guard answered, cracking the door open just a little. Twilight whispered something to him and he nodded, ducking away for a second before coming back and passing a big object that was covered by a blanket. Twilight thanked him and set the thing down next to me.
"Angel Bunny, I think it's time you met Philomena." She said with a smile.
I sat there, tied to my chair under the harsh light of the single lamp sitting on the table. I stared at the behemoth of nature that stood before me, and the mysterious object it held in its withcraftian horror.
"What's a Philomena?" I asked the purple nerd. She simply chuckled and walked up behind it, looking down at me with a shitty little smirk suggesting she knew better than me. I looked back at the thing she had covered, anticipating horrors the likes of which Lovecraft would vomit at the mere thought of. Twilight began to slowly peel off the cover, gradually revealing the repugnant form of a gremlin-esque monst- Oh, never mind, it was a phoeninx.
"Uh, you do know this is a phoenix, right?" I asked. "What could this do to me?" Twilight put her hoof to the cage door and opened it, allowing the bird to peek its head out curiously.
"Philomena has agreed to help me get the information I need from you." She said as the phoenix emerged from its cage and hopped over to me. It gave a once-over, and for some reason I can't explain I felt unsteady. Well, she was a bit bigger than me, so I guess it's supposed to be natural I was scared of her. Anyways, the bird strutted forward a bit, looking me eye-to-eye for a second before giving a precise peck square on my forehead.
"Ow, what the fuck?!" I asked in surprise. Philomena pecked me again, which made me respond in a similar fashion as before.
"She'll be doing this to you until you give me what I want." Twilight said. I growled in annoyance and struggled vainly to break free. This prompted another peck from Philomena.
"Ow! Fuck's sake!" I shouted angrily. Twilight stood silently, watching the back and forth between me and this stupid bird. I tried to tell her that I didn't know anything, but Twilight would cut me off with a nod to the phoenix, who'd just peck me again.
