Kwik Witte goes to Ponyville and hilarity ensues, and he picks up on how to become funny.
Kwik Witte is a new pony to ponyville. He is moved there from Manehattan to get away from his family after answering an ad in the Ponyville newspaper about renting a room in a house with two other people already living there. He plans to find work to pay for hi rent, but he also has no idea what he might do for money. He hopes for the best and sets out to start his life on his own.
A/N Hey guys I am going to be using this as practice for comedic writing in order to make sure I am practiced when Antisocial Industries releases our first big fiction, Absence of Logic. So this story is arbitrary. Critique welcomed, but don't expect anything serious or dedicated. Check out our page for information about us.
"Alright, this is what I am TALKING about!" Kwik Witte, a dark green unicorn, said as he entered Ponyville. He continued walking, trying to find the house he was going to be renting from. He pulled his cart with him using his own muscle, but with significant aid from his magic. The cart had everything he owned to his name in it; books, special clothing, a little bit of food, some money, and other insignificant personal items.
He walked through the middle of town, and almost couldn't keep up with all the 'Good Day!'s and 'Hello-how-are-you?'s he was getting. The people in this town were SO friendly! This was gonna be much better than he thought it would be. He was walking along for probably a half hour before he realized he had no idea where to look. He decided to stop and ask for directions. Setting his cart down, he walked up to a pair of cute mares talking. One of them was a pink pony with an even pinker mane, and it was all frizzy and messy, while the other was a gray pony with a dark grey mane, and a Treble Cleft cutie mark. The pink one was talking loudly, and very very quickly, while the gray one didn't seemed to be particularly interested in conversation.
"Anyway, I'm Pinkie Pie, in case you forgotten since last month, and it's SO nice to see you again, Octavia, I hope we can see each other more often, maybe we can make cupcakes, OMIGOSH CUPCAKES! I love cupcakes, don't you?! Well, mostly it's the icing but the sweetened bread is really nice, too!"
She would not. Stop. Talking. Honestly it was kind of like checking out a box of nails and a hammer, both of which are desperately needed to finish an important new roof on the shed which needs to be completed in the next hour so as to prevent the impending storm from raining it out, while also being forced to hear the life story of an oblivious perky cashier from Hell who is incapable of the slightest gesture of understanding. The gray pony - Octavia? Yes that was it - looked over at Kwik with a subtle desperation in her eyes that politely inquired if it was possible for Kwik to HELP ME DEAR CELESTIA I AM TRAPPED! Or at least, that was a probable rough translation. Kwik reached out and tapped the pink pony on the shoulder twice. She turned and looked at him, while also shutting up.
"I am so sorry to interrupt you fine ladies, but could you he-" He didn't get to finish his sentence before the pink pony let out a loud gasp, jumped 6 feet in the air, held it for roughly a second, and darted away, still levitating.
"Did she... just...."
"Don't ask," said Octavia.
"Oh, well then."
"Thank you so much for helping me out, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had stayed there a moment longer."
"Twas my pleasure, m'lady. Now, would you be so kind as to return the favor, maybe?"
"Uh, yeah sure. What do you want?"
"I was hoping you could tell me where I could find 213 Bubblegum Lane?" Suddenly, Octavia's eyes expanded.
"Oh, that's my address! You must be Kwik, then?"
"Oh, yes. So you're name is Octavia, right?"
"Huh, that certainly is impressive."
"What is?"
"That you managed to discern my name from Pinkie Pie's random gibberish." They both shared a chuckle, and found themselves staring. Octavia realized this and quickly looked away.
"Right, well, shall we go to the house?"
"Oh, erm, yes, let's."
There was a slight awkwardness to the silence as they walked back to Octavia's place.
"Oh, you did read about Vinyl, yes?"
"Oh. I thought the floors were made of hardwood." Again, Octavia chuckled.
"No, no. Vinyl Scratch is my roommate."
"Ah, yes, I remember now."
"And that won't be a problem?"
"Not at all, I don't think." His statement was a slight lie. He didn't think it would be a problem, but he did KNOW that it would be no problem for him. What could be better than living in a nice house with two mares who were both musically inclined? Yes this was going to be excellent, indeed.
They arrived at 213 Bubblegum Lane after a decent 10 minute walk. They approached the door and it was became fairly obvious what kind of musician Octavia's roommate was. She was an electronic musician, from the sound coming from the house. Ultra heavy bass and powerful wubs indicated that she loved dubstep. Which was ok, as Kwik didn't really mind it, but he didn't exactly know what it was as a genre either. Octavia opened the door and walked inside.
"VINYL!" she called, but to no avail. She reached over to the wall next to the door. Instantly the music shut off. The sudden lack of changing pressure was shocking to Kwiks ears, and he recoiled and grabbed them.
"Ah!"
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot that the first few times it hurts a bit. It's a kill switch so Vinyl knows when I get home."
"I see," Kwik said, not really seeing. A chalk-white pony with a blue mane came down a flight of steps. She had rather large red sunglasses on, and they were very opaque, so her eyes were not visible. She had two eighth notes as a cutie mark. She walked right up to Kwik and offered her hoof.
"Vinyl Scratch. Nice to meet ya," she said, grinning. There was an air of cockiness about her. Her attitude expressed a tomboyish personality, and she had a slight swagger to her step.
"Kwik Witte. Likewise." Kwik took her hoof and shook it. They let go and Vinyl walked right up to Octavia and - sweet Celestia. Vinyl planted one right on Octavia.
"Welcome home."
"Yes, thank you dear." Octavia was blushing slightly. Vinyl walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, and started messing around with the contents.
"Oh, so, you and Vinyl...?"
"Yes." Octavia turned and went into the kitchen and got herself something to eat. Vinyl came out with a sandwich and offered it to Kwik.
"Here ya go. After you finish, we'll go out and get your stuff put away."
She had one of her own, and started eating it right away. Kwik thanked her and partook in his own sandwich. It was surprisingly good. Like, really good. Like, so good that you would consider lubing it up with mayo and having amazingly passionate mouth sex with it. He finished it in a hurry, and he and Vinyl went outside and started unloading Kwiks stuff.
"Wow, you got some nice nick-nacks here."
"Thanks, I guess."
They unloaded everything and proceeded to carry it in to Kwiks room. It was in the basement, through a door at the bottom of the stairs. When he opened the door and turned on the light, he saw that it was of decent size, probably 700 or so square feet, though it was a little plain, being nearly a perfect square. Still, the room was pretty big relative to Kwik's expectations, so there would be no complaining. They finished loading everything into the room after about 20 minutes.
"Alright, if you need anything, just let Octavia or I know. The shower is across the hall. Ok?"
"Yep, thanks, Vinyl."
"Yeah. No prob, bro."
Her terminology was a little offsetting for a mare, but Kwik figured he'd get used to it. It was evident that she wore the pants in the relationship. As he pondered this, he looked to his left and noticed a door at the end of the hall. It piqued his interest. He looked over to the staircase and noticed Vinyl wasn't all the way up so he figured he'd ask about the door now.
"Hey, Vinyl, what's in that door, the one at the end of the hall?" She stopped and turned around and looked at him, presumably, as it was impossible to tell where her eyes were looking thanks to the shades.
"Oh, yeah, that's a place you probably shouldn't mess around in. I got stuff in there, a lot of it is for music and the such, but I'd appreciate it if you would just stay out of there. I don't really like people touching my music equipment."
"Oh, yeah that's no problem."
"Sweet," she said, smiling.
She turned back and headed up the steps. Kwik turned as well, going into his room and shutting the door. Kwik was not particularly comfortable at the moment because he had never really known any lesbians before, and now he was living with two of them. Of course he really didn't mind that they WERE lesbians, he just didn't have a mental protocol for interacting with them. It would take time to see how he could act around these two. For example, would they all become very comfortable with each other and allow certain types of off color jokes, or would they expect sensitivity to their sexual orientation? Perhaps neither? This could be a difficult situation, indeed.
At the moment it did not matter as Kwik was exhausted from his walk and pulling the cart. It was odd that he was just now feeling this way, so he decided to test out his bed. He laid down in it, and thought that it was incredibly comfortable. Like VERY comfortable. Like, he felt so comfortable with it he considered telling racist jokes to it to test their connection. As he pondered this thought, he drifted off to sleep.
A/N Epic Wub Time is canon, get over it. Octavia and Vinyl love each other, get over it.
Kwik awoke to the sound of a heavy bass drop. He looked over at his clock, and he saw that it was 6:13 PM. He groaned, and tried covering his ears with his pillow. As much as he did enjoy the special sound effects that dubstep brought into play, he did not particularly enjoy it in the middle of a good nap. He could not get back to sleep, so he got up and decided to get some breakfast. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and proceeded out his door and up the steps. He walked into the kitchen to see Octavia sitting at the table reading the paper and sipping on some juice, while Vinyl was at the dishwasher with an apron on. He looked around to find the source of the music, but he couldn't find any speakers. He walked over to Octavia, and asked her, quite loudly.
"Hey, where's the speaker?"
"What speaker?"
"The one that the music is coming from."
"Oh, that's the dishwasher." This was utterly confusing.
"What!? The dishwasher? How?"
"She made it herself, it cleans the dishes with wubs."
"Oh." He nodded in understanding, though he didn't understand in the slightest. Then a plate full of pancakes dropped down in front of him, followed by maple syrup and a small square of butter.
"Eat up!" Said Vinyl, beaming. She didn't have her red glasses on, so Kwik got to look at her eyes for the first time. They were a beautiful shade of crimson. He had never seen anything like them before.
"Oh, wow!" he said, honestly surprised. "They look fantastic!"
"You think they look fantastic? Wait until you try them!" chimed Octavia, looking at Vinyl with a grin. Vinyl blushed slightly.
"Ah, come on, Octavia, not now."
Octavia giggled slightly and finished her coffee, got up, and went back to her room. Kwik decided it was time to try Vinyl's pancakes, so he picked up his fork and knife and dug in. He took his first bite and realized Octavia was not joking at all. The pancakes were good enough to consider cheating on Vinyl's sandwich for want of better mouth sex.
"Wow, Vinyl, these are fantastic!" Kwik made a short mental note that pancakes for dinner was an amazing idea.
"Thanks. When you're done, just toss 'em in the sink and I'll get them later, cool?"
"Yeah, no problem," Kwik said, pondering why she would be so keen on washing dishes.
Either way, it didn't matter. Vinyl took off her apron, and walked over to the living room. Octavia came down the stairs, now in her tie, and hoisting her instrument in it's case. It was probably a cello, or something like a big violin, judging from the case. She grabbed her keys from the wall and turned towards Kwik.
"Ok, I'll be home at about 9 o'clock, and I had a key made for you, it's on the key rack, ok?"
"Uh, alright."
"Ok, bye," she said, leaving and pulling the door shut.
Kwik had a weird sensation, one of familiarity. He thought about it and it dawned on him that what just happened was a lot like what the morning routine was back at his house, minus the same sex flirting. He remembered his home back in Manehattan, the busy streets and loud routines as opposed to the quiet suburban-type lifestyle of Ponyville. At least, it was relatively quiet. The dishwasher-thing was still going on quite loudly, but this of course had to be the exception. It wasn't nearly as loud as the speakers that were playing a few hours before when he got there, but it was loud enough that he could hear it all the way in the basement through his pillow.
The dishwasher's song ended, and shortly after, Vinyl came back downstairs, walked past Kwik, and started unloading the dishes. Seeing an opportunity to get to know Vinyl better, he started helping her. This way, he could start a conversation and he would also learn where all the dishes go. He reached in and picked out a plate, and when he looked at it, he couldn't believe how clean it was. Supposing that the start of the machine had been when the drop came on, the dishwasher had only been going for about 10 minutes. This was simply astounding to Kwik.
"Yeah, they're pretty clean aren't they?" Vinyl said, more stating than actually asking. She said it while a grin was spreading across her face, and with a little pride, too. Rightfully so, Kwik thought.
"No kidding! These are the cleanest things I have ever seen! And Octavia said you built it yourself?"
"Yep, that's right! I call it the Dishwoofer! Using dual-linked subwoofers and special amplification system, I can take a simple song and amplify the bass tenfold, and let the barometric changes in the airtight chamber compress and expand the food to the point where it disintegrates, and a light spray washes them off. The heat built up after one cycle is enough to vaporize the water, and it gets released out of the back. A special layer of ultra-hydrophobic plaster keeps the speakers from being damaged." This stunned Kwik, as he was not expecting so much information at once, nor did he really know that much about speakers to be able to understand anyway. But nonetheless, it was pretty sweet.
"That's awesome, like, REALLY freaking cool! But doesn't the lack of other sounds get annoying? I just happened to notice that it was just the bass and little other high pitched sounds as well." He was careful how he worded it, as he didn't want to offend Vinyl. She looked down and scratched the back of her head with her right hoof.
"Yeah, I realized that after the first test run, so I put in some decent-sized tweeters but they didn't make much of a difference. Honestly it can be annoying to be in the same room as it, but the bass still feels pretty awesome and sounds good from another room. Like, you know how when the bass gets turned up really loud, you can feel the bass itself moving your eardrum instead of the cilia?" Kwik nodded, this time actually understanding what she was talking about. "Yeah, well, that's a feeling I absolutely love, which is why I like loud dusbtep. Anyway, that feeling itself is what I am talking about."
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
Kwik did know what she meant. He regarded the feeling in the same way he regarded a sauna: some people like getting overheated and soaked in a small wooden room, naked with a bunch of other guys, and some people liked feeling small cotton swabs pushing on their eardrums. Kwik, however, enjoyed neither. After the two had finished unloading the dishwasher, Vinyl rinsed off the plates from earlier and placed them in the dishwoofer.
"Right. Well, I am off to the Studio to work on a song. Catch ya later, bro."
"Ok, bye."
Vinyl walked over to the door, picked up her key, and left. Now Kwik was all alone. Well, better get looking for a job, he thought. He made sure the door was locked, picked up his key, and he departed to try and find himself a job. He took a step, and stepped on something that wasn't dirt or grass. He looked down and lifted his foot, and saw that he had stepped on a piece of paper. He picked it up, and found that it wasn't actually a piece of paper, but an envelope. He turned it over and was addressed to "The Dark Green Unicorn". It was obviously meant for him, so he opened it, and pulled out the paper inside. He unfolded it, and began to read:
Dear Mr. Dark Green Unicorn,
Welcome to Ponyville!
"Welcome to...Ponyville?" This was the weirdest note he had ever received in his life, and probably the shortest, too. He tucked it away and began to walk. He only took about 7 steps before he heard a loud sound coming from behind him. He turned around and looked at the house, which was now vibrating slightly. It sounded like -- music? But not the kind that Vinyl plays, or the kind Octavia may listen to, supposing she conformed to stereotypes about musicians who play instruments like the cello. He walked back to the door and tried opening the door. It was locked, which he should have known, since he did it, and not moments ago, either. He dug out his key and put it into the lock. He turned it, and opened the door. His jaw dropped:
Inside there had to be at least 40 or 50 ponies, some dancing, some mingling, and some just eating. There were pegasi, and unicorns, and earth ponies alike, as well as decorations, party favors, cupcakes, pancakes, regular cakes, cookies, punch, all in the kitchen, which could be viewed from the doorway. Many people stopped and looked at him, then continued with what they were doing. All in all, it was a pretty awesome party. Then he noticed one particular pony getting down on the dance floor. Though, 'dance floor' here means the living room, which was somehow empty of furnishings now. She also noticed him, and stopped. She stared for maybe a heartbeat and her eyes grew wide. Then so did her mouth, as she revealed the widest smile Kwik had ever seen. She did that levitation thing again, only this time she came right at Kwik. Expecting an impact, he put a foreleg up to block her and braced himself. But, the impact never came. He opened his eyes and lowered his leg and saw that she was standing right there in front of him, beaming.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! I saw you yesterday and I thought to myself 'Oh, hey I don't this guy,' which means that you must be new, because I know everypony in Ponyville, and I mean EVERYpony, so if I don't know you then you must be new! So I thought, 'Oh no, he's new, so he has no friends!' and that made me really sad so I decided to welcome you to Ponyville by throwing you an awesome party so you can make friends!" How she was able to pronounce every single word correctly at that speed was beyond Kwik. Seriously, it was like a pink Weird Al on cocaine.
"Uhm ... I was gone for twelve seconds."
"So, how do you like it!?"
"The front door is the only way in, and it was locked when I tried it."
"I'll take that as an 'awesome'! Well, come on there's a bunch of ponies to meet!"
Pinkie took Kwik by the hoof and pretty much shoved him in everyone's face. He remembered a few names and faces, but he knew it was going to be awkward if he ever met them again and wasn't able to remember their names. Then again, if they had ever been victimized like this in their homes, they'd understand completely. There was one mare he would remember, though. She was the same skin color as Vinyl, and had beautiful violet mane that was pretty much perfect. Her name was Rarity, and he'd remembered because she was one of the best looking ponies had had ever seen in his life.
After meeting everypony and getting some courage, he managed to stop Pinkie from pulling him. She pulled and her body elongated about 3 feet, before she snapped back to normal shape. She turned to him slightly annoyed.
"Come on, we have stuff to do, it's a party!"
"Look, Pinkie, I appreciate you doing this, I really do. I mean it's not everyday someone gets an entire town and party items into a locked house before the recipient can blink, but this isn't my house, and look at this mess!" He used his hoof to gesture around the room, and implied the rest of the house, as well. "Also, you are messing with Vinyls speakers and stuff and she doesn't like that!"
"Don't worry, I always clean up after a party, and - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She shrieked, and pulled him with a mighty force he was neither expecting nor capable of withstanding and she pulled him right out on to the dance floor. "I LOOOOOVE THIS SONG!" she shouted, instantly transforming into a beastly, pink, dancing blur of randomness. He backed up and found an open chair. Frowning, he sat down and ate a cupcake off of the table next to it. His eyes instantly lit up at the wonderful taste of this amazing cupcake, now mentally tacking that on to his list of things to have amazing mouth sex with. He remembered he was angry and resumed his frown, eating his cupcake.
After an hour of trying to get everypony to leave, and to no avail, Kwik just sat down, frowning, waiting to die. Kwik was only 21, so he obviously wasn't waiting for natural death. Though technically scourging rage from Hell would be a natural reaction to a new roommate wrecking your house by throwing a huge party 4 hours after he first arrives. But ultimately, the horribly painful way in which Kwik would inevitably die must be classified as 'unnatural.' Either way, it didn't change the fact that his end was nigh. It was only a matter of time. He glanced over at the clock and saw that it was 8:59, which means that he had mere minutes to live. Since he was going to die anyway, Kwik figured he might as well spend it doing what he loved, and writing his last words to his family back in Manehattan.
"Screw that, where are those cupcakes?" he said to himself.
Of course, as is his fortune, there were no more cupcakes, and it was a bitter frustration. Which is funny because he could not get the taste of a lemon Sweetie Tart out of his mouth. But all digression aside, he looked back at the clock and it was 9:01. He was walking past the door when the knob opened and both Octavia and Vinyl walked in. Kwik ran over and hit the killswitch, shutting off the music and flashy lights. Why they had flashy lights at a party inside an average sized house, Kwik didn't know.
"Octavia, Vinyl, I swear I had nothing to do with this! I stepped outside and there was a note, and I walked and then there was music coming from the house, and I walked inside, the door was locked, everypony was inside, and Pinkie Pie just, I mean, 12 seconds, and-" Vinyl shoved a hoof in Kwiks mouth, as at that point his gibberish was annoying.
"Yeah. We know, dude." She removed her hoof from Kwik's mouth, and Kwik just stood there, mouth agape, staring at her in disbelief.
"So, so you knew about the party?"
Octavia answered first, followed by Vinyl.
"Yes we did."
"Uh huh."
"Oh well then that's a huge relief. Why did you not tell me?" Vinyl opened her mouth to explain but Pinkie Pie jumped in.
"Well, I throw a party for everypony when they first arrive! It's the best way to welcome someone and get to know them and get them acquainted with everypony in town! Plus dancing and stuff is FUN! He he haha!" She startled giggling. Kwik turned to Vinyl and Octavia, a smile creeping over his face.
"Oh, ok I get it. So while I was sleeping, you guys let everyone in, and when I stepped out, everyone put up decorations and stuff, right? Wow, that was good!" Vinyl and Octavia looked at each other, confused looks on their faces, then back to Kwik.
"Neither Vinyl nor I let anyone into the house," she said, eyebrow raised. Kwiks smile disappeared and he was confused yet again.
"Wait, then, how did she-" Vinyl leaned forward, put a leg around Kwik's neck, and pulled him in very close.
"Try not to question Pinkie Pie, your only going to hurt your brain." Pinkie's head rose up from in between them, looking at Vinyl.
"You used the wrong version of 'your'."
"Excuse me?"
"Nevermind!" She retracted her head and got up on an end table. "Ok, everypony! I am sorry to say that the party is now over. But, be ready for the party this Saturday at the Apple Family FAAAAAAAaaaaaaarm!"
Everypony started talking and mumbling as they slowly walked out the door. This was not at all what he expected, but that was probably a good thing. Growing up as he had, he always expected things to turn out worse than they probably would, which always led him to take caution whenever he made decisions. As a matter of fact, the decision to move to Ponyville was the first big decision he had ever made.
As the last of the ponies walked out of the house, Kwik closed the door and locked it. He walked back into the kitchen where Octavia was lading dishes into the dishwoofer. Kwik decided to ask Octavia if there were any job openings in Ponyville. Seeing as how he was very prideful, Kwik always found it hard to ask for help with anything, especially things that he should already be able to do. Which made what he was about to do somewhat difficult.
"Hey, Octavia?" She stopped and turned to look at him.
"Yes?"
"Well, I uh, was just wondering, if you, uh, could tell me, if ... uhm ... you and Vinyl sleep in the same bed."
Wait a second. That was not even close to 'Are there any open jobs in Ponyville?' Oh. Oh no. Oh nononononononononononono-
"Excuse me?"
"Oh uh, no, what I meant was, erm, I just, the um, I-" he was blushing and sweating profusely. Of course none of this was visible thanks to his dark coat hiding it.
"Of course we do!" she said with a smile. She even chuckled a little bit. "As though I could stay away from that sexy devil for even one night." This was not even close to what Kwik was expecting. Then again, nothing in this logic-forsaken town did.
"Oh. Well, that's, er, nice."
"Oh it's WAY better than nice. As a matter of fact, just the other night she and I had a little too much cider and-"
"OkThat'sCoolOctaviaIGotStuffToUhCountSoUhNight!" He darted away to his room as fast as he could, as he had no idea where Octavia was going with that sentence, nor did he care to find out. He crawled into his bed and tried to forget the imagery that flashed through his head, but to no avail. Eventually he passed into an effortless sleep.
The next day came early to Kwik when he woke up to a ridiculous bass drop. Trudging up the steps, he walked over to the fridge and made himself a sandwich. He took a bite, and while it was not bad, it was kind of like tofu had a lovechild with some bread and he was eating it like some sort of food God who demanded sacrifice. Why it had to be a food God Kwik had no idea, as his thoughts could not be expected to be normal that early in the morning. When he was done, he cleaned up. Neither Octavia nor Vinyl appeared to be home, as he heard nothing to suggest otherwise. He decided to just leave and start looking for a job. He walked out, locked the door, and walked into town. He walked all around town trying to find businesses, yielding no fruit.
He came to the marketplace, trying to find someone who looked overwhelmed. He approached an elderly looking mare on a rocking chair. She was mint green and had a bright green apple as her cutie mark. Kwik attempted to talk to her, thinking she could use a hand, being a frail old lady.
"Pardon, me, ma'am," Kwik said. She didn't even twitch. "PARDON ME, MA'AM!" he said, very loudly. He got a little nervous, as people were now looking at him funny. He decided he would try to find another vendor when a horrible, nails-on-chalkboard scream echoed from right behind him.
"GRANNY SMITH, WAKE UP THARE'S A CUSTUMER!" shouted an unknown voice.
"Whatja du huh?" Granny Smith was now away and looking flustered and confused. Kwik turned and looked for the source of the eagle-mating-call of a scream. He looked down and saw a cute little foal with a large red bow on her head. He looked back at Granny Smith and she just noticed he was there.
"What canuh do fer ya, sonny?" she asked, sweetly.
"Oh, um, I was wondering if you had any positions for an extra hand. Selling your apples, picking them, or what have you." She squinted, thinking for a moment. Then she broke out what would have been a toothy smile if she was only 100 years younger, and replied "Shore thing we do, sonny!" How lucky! The first person he asks has a job opening!
"Oh, wow, that's great!" Kwik said, smiling widely. "What is it and when do I start?"
"Yeh can stert rite away!" she exclaimed, attempting to get out of her rocking chair. After a few uncomfortable moments, she did finally manage to lift herself out of the chair. "Applebloom, take this fine young gentlecolt back ter the farm. I've got shterf ter do. Tell Applejack I found'er a helper!"
"YAYSS MAYUM!" Applebloom said, apparently incredibly enthusiastic. Kwik was just as enthusiastic about being able to get paid.
"Alright, let's go!" Appleboom started walking, and Kwik followed right behind. He decided he'd get a little information before he got there.
"So, uh, Applebloom, is it just you, Applejack, and your granny?"
"Naw, there's also Big Macintosh!"
"Oh, cool. So who are Applejack and Big Macintosh?"
"Well, they're mah brother and sister. And you can jus' call'im Big Mac, that's what we always do."
"Alright then. So I am assuming you guys all have something to do with apples, right?"
"Yup! We gots a orchard of 'em, and AJ and Big Mac buck the trees and plow the fields and stuff. I'm too little to help'em wit stuff like that, so I help Granny Smith with the housework."
"Oh, so you guys are a family business then?"
"Uh huh!"
"Well that's pretty awesome!"
They arrived at the farm after about four minutes or so, and travelling along a beautiful path lined with apple trees. They arrived and in front of them was the big red Apple family barn. Over to the right was the orchard. There was a large silo to the left of the barn, probably holding grain. To the left of the silo was the house, most likely where everyone lived. A noise came from the barn, like someone dropping something.
"Son of a horseshoe!" came a deep, angry sounding voice. Kwik heard a sharp, high pitched intake of breath from his left. Kwik looked over at Applebloom and saw that she was in utter shock.
"BIG MACINTOSH!" came another voice, from behind the silo. A beautiful orange mare came around and over to the barn, looking more than a little peeved. "How many times've I told ya to not use them curse words like that! This time ya did it in front of Applebloom and a stranger!"
"Sorry Applejack," said the voice again. Kwik supposed that this was Big Mac. Big Mac came out of the barn, and he was the largest, most muscular pony Kwik had ever seen. This dude was massive. Kwik immediately wrote Applejack off of his 'potentially dateable' list, because if he dated Applejack then he'd have to risk getting the tar beaten out of him by a giant red monster of a pony.
"Woah," said Kwik. Both Big Mac and Applejack walked over to greet their new guests.
"Howdy, I'm Applejack, and this here's Big Macintosh." She reached out and Kwik shook her hoof. He did the same with Big Mac. Applejack could not hold it back any longer.
"AJ, Granny Smith told me to tell ya that this here's yer new assistant!" AJ's smile flickered a bit. She turned and looked back at Kwik, and looked him up and down. She did not seem very impressed. This sudden, unanticipated perusal of his body made Kwik slightly uncomfortable and he started blushing. He'd be even more nervous but he knew that his man blocked the view of his blushing, a small relief whenever he got nervous like this.
"Well, thas, err, good. Run along now Applebloom, the adults gotta work now."
"Ok. Bye guys!" She turned and ran off down the path into Ponyville.
"Now then, what's yer name, stranger?"
"My name is Kwik. And you are Applejack and Big Mac, yes?"
"Eeeyup."
"So, Granny Smith says yer gunna be helpin' us out here at the farm?"
"That would appear to be the case, yes. So, what am I going to do for you two?"
"Yer gonna come with me into the orchard and help us buck apples."
"Ok, and what is bucking apples?"
"It's when ya buck a tree and the apples fall out. Simple, right?"
"Sweet! Let's get to it!"
"Now hold on there sugarcube. I gots ta show ya how it's done properly before ya can go around hittin' our trees, ya hear?"
"Yes ma'am." Kwik was not expecting Mac to be a part of the conversation. So far he had only uttered three words, and even then only when he was addressed specifically. Strong and silent. I can respect that, thought Kwik.
"Alrighty then. If ya'll will follah me, we'll get started." She turned and started walking. Kwik follow, but he could not help but notice Applejacks flank when he looked to see what her cutie mark was. It was probably the nicest, most toned female flank he had ever seen in his life. Well, Big Mac isn't THAT big....
Applejack was leading Kwik through the orchard, probably right up to where they were going to start. They passed row after row of beautiful, luscious trees, each one bearing the same, deep-red colored fruit on them. They all looked beautiful. Kwik wondered why they didn't start closer to the farm, but it wasn't necessarily a huge deal. He was just happy to be doing work. They had been walking for about 5 minutes now, in silence. This was just for for Kwik, as he needed to take in the surroundings and he wanted to familiarize himself with it, which he did best when left to his own thoughts. The farther into the orchard they went, the bigger and juicier the fruit looked. This explained why they weren't starting closer, as they must not be perfectly ripe. Even so, he had no authority to question Applejack on the subject, as she clearly knew more about apples than he did. Applejack looked around, and smiled.
"Well, here we are," she said, walking up to a tree with a bunch of baskets around it.
"Eeyup." Kwik nearly had a heart attack. He turned and looked behind him and saw Big Mac. Kwik was completely oblivious to his presence, and apparently he was with them the entire way.
"So, here's whatcher gonna be doin' fer most u'the time yer workin'," she said, drawing Kwiks attention back to her. She placed some of the baskets around the tree, turned, and bucked it as hard as she could. All the apples fell out out the tree and landed perfectly in the basket, stacking very nicely and orderly so that none of them fell out.
"Big Mac, you wanna show 'im a thing or two?" Applejack asked.
"Sure AJ," he said in that deep, dull voice of his. He waled over to a huge tree and bucked it with all of his strength. This tree was probably 50% higher than Applejack's tree and twice as big around with much more fruit on its branches. Every single one of them fell out into the basket below, again, perfectly. Kwiks jaw dropped slightly as the odds were astronomical that that could happen twice and even less so that they would happen with so many apples so high up in the air. It was like there were magnets in the apples and they were drawn to the baskets.
"Alrighty then, yer turn!" Applejack said. Kwik put out the baskets under the tree he chose, turned around, and bucked it as hard as he could. To his surprise, most of them came loose. One more buck sent them all crashing down to the earth. A few of them even landed in the baskets. He began picking them up and putting them in the baskets when Applejack approached him to critique his work.
"Not bad. Not bad at all. Butcha gotta work on gettin' the apples ta fall in the baskets. We gotta maximize our output fer the party this Friday." This was confusing, as she implied that she had a method for getting the apples to fall right in to the baskets.
"Oh, yeah, no problem. Here, let me try again." Kwik walked over to a nearby tree and bucked it. This time, every single apple came off. He positioned all the baskets under clumps of apples to get as many as he could to just fall right in. He was able to get about 10 of the 20 or so apples to get in the baskets. He smiled with pride, and turned to Applejack.
"Better?"
"Well, it's definitely better. But ya gotta try a bit harder than that. Here, watch me an' Mac." Kwik had no idea what exactly Applejack was doing that was any different than what he was doing, but he watched diligently nonetheless. Applejack and Big Mac walked up to different trees, haphazardly placing their baskets down with no particular care as to where they were placed, and they each bucked their own trees. Both of them got every single apple in their respective baskets. Applejack turned to Kwik, while Big Mac picked up several full baskets and started to walk back to the farm.
"That's what ya gotta do," she said, a slight smile on her face. This was maddening. Kwik decided to relax the mental restraints a bit.
"Ok, Applejack, but tell me this: What am I doing wrong?" Kwik had started, and now he couldn't stop the ball from rolling. His frustration manifested itself in the form of sarcasm so thick, he could taste it in his saliva. "I mean, from my humble standpoint it looks like you're not a farmpony, but rather a wizard who is capable of controlling fruit to do her bidding. Please enlighten me as to how exactly I am supposed to force these apples to change trajectory mid-flight and be guided into the baskets. You see I am a normal pony so I don't have these powers of apple-control that you have." Applejack looked appalled.
"Excuse me?" she said, brow furrowing.
Crap. Too much, thought Kwik. His eyes darted around as he tried to speak, but all he could muster was repeated sounds usually meant for stalling.
"I, uh, meant to say that, um, you, er, I, erm-"
"I think ya should go now, Mr. Witte," Applejack said. Kwik breathed a sigh, turned around, and began his shameful walk back to the farm, and eventually back to Ponyville. He hung his head while he walked, not making any noise as he made his way back to the town.
After ten minutes, he was back exactly where he started, with the addition of having somepony angry at him. He looked around trying to find someone else who looked overwhelmed. There was nopony. Kwik walked a little more before he felt a grumbling coming from his stomach. He realized he skipped breakfast and it was now lunchtime. He looked around and saw a nice looking bakery across the street, and he decided to go and see what they had to offer. He turned and started walking, his stomach getting even angrier. Much like an old person left in the sun too long... He approached the bakery, with a marvelous cupcake sign that read "Sugarcube Corner" meeting his gaze. From the shape of the building, he judged that there would be plenty of desserts in there for him to eat. Just the thought of it made his elderly male even angrier. He decided to drown his his hunger the same way his dad did: gorging on cupackes. Except instead of hunger, it was depression. And instead of cupcakes, it was hard cider. Same thing, really.
He opened the door and walked inside, meeting a solid wall of color and happiness. It was almost too much when he also smelled the amazing scent of baked bread and sugar. There a few ponies in the bakery, including two couples who were apparently on a date. Kwik made note of this in case he was lucky enough to date someone from this town, as this appeared to be at least somewhat popular, and with good reason, too. The counter was a glass case and it had some of the most delicious-looking pastries and cakes Kwik had ever seen. There was one labeled "Ultra Double Chocolate fudge Brownie Deluxe." It was beautiful. Kwik tacked that brownie on to his mental list of members in his food harem. He approached the counter, not taking his eyes off of the seductive brownie. He raised his head and looked around, trying to find a cashier or an employee to make his purchase. He looked around, and there was a doorway to the left of the counter. Kwik could see boxes and ingredients in the back, and heard a light muffled sound coming from back there. A wild, pink tail backed across the doorway. Kwik took this chance as he wanted that brownie immediately.
"Excuse me, I'd like to buy this delicious looking brownie!" he called. The tail stopped moving backward. The pony it was attached to turned around and ran out the door. Crap. Not her.... It was Pinkie Pie. Of course. Of. Freaking Course. She reached the counter in the blink of an eye. She was smiling widely, and when she recognized him, her smile went even wider and her eyes grew in size. And grew. And grew. Still growing. When her eyes were done going through there momentary puberty, she gasped and started speaking to -talking at, depending on whether or not she's addressing you- Kwik in that loud, obnoxious tone of hers.
"Yes, I would like to buy the brownie," he said, pointing to his chocolate mistress.
"OK!" She exclaimed. With lightning speed and precision she removed the brownie and put in a small paper bag and handed it to him. "That will be 7 bits, please!" It was a little expensive, but Kwik decided it would be worth it. He reached into his side bag and pulled out 7 bits. He handed them over calmly and took the paper bag, then turned to leave. He dropped two bits into the tip jar, as her enthusiasm and promptness were traits he had never seen. He was only at the counter for 5 seconds before the entire transaction was complete, and that was incredible to Kwik, so he figured she'd earned it.
"Thanks, balloon-eyes."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. See ya later, Pinkie."
"OHCOOLIHOPETOSEEYOULATERATTHEPARTYTHISFRIDAY!"
"Ok," Kwik responded as he walked out the door. He walked along just looking around, and finally sat down on the side of a nice little pond. He got out his brownie and he sniffed it, taking in the heavenly aroma of his fudge delight. He opened his mouth and took a bite. It was glorious, in every way he had hoped it would be. He immediately thought of the mare he met at his party the night before, Rarity was her name. Certainly she would be able to tell him where he could buy a ring to put on the messy, fudge-covered finger of his one and only love. When he had finished his work, he was satisfied. He let out a small tear for his fallen comrade.
"Oh, hello there!"
"And after that, I want you to make sure your bed is nice and made."
"Is that all, Twilight?" Spike asked.
"Yes, that will be all. Bye!"
"Bye."
Twilight stepped out of the door and into the town. She started walking, to nowhere in particular. It was nice that she could just walk around and clear her head every once in a while. She walked the entire circumference of the town before cutting through a small path that ran adjacent to a pond. She continued walking, enjoying the sunny day and nice breeze. When Twilight walked she had a bait of getting lost in her thoughts, so much so that she sometimes didn't realize how far she had walked or just went right by her destination. She was taken out of her thoughts when she almost ran into a stroller, narrowly missing it at the last second.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" The mother just hmph'd at Twilight and kept on walking. "Well, that was kind of rude." She turned back to the path and notices something on the edge of the pond. Or, rather, a somepony. He was dark green with a pale blue mane. She knew she recognized him, but she couldn't remember where. Oh yeah! The party! She remembered his name now, it was Kwik. She didn't really get to meet him, as Pinkie Pie took him away before they actually got to talk. And he was kinda cute, too. Perhaps she'd introduce herself properly.
"Oh, hello there!" she said, approaching him. He turned, looking for the source of the greeting. When he saw here he smiled and returned her greeting.
"Hello. Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?"
"No. Well, yes, kind of," she said. "I was at your welcome party last night. We didn't get to really meet properly. My name is Twilight Sparkle. And you are Kwik, right?"
"That's right," he said, smiling. Man, she's pretty, he thought.
"Right, well. How are you enjoying Ponyville so far?"
"It's been pretty good. I am having a little bit of trouble finding a job though." Oh no. He's unemployed? That's awful!
"Well, maybe a friend of mine can help you with that." At these words, Kwik perked up instantly.
"Wow, really?" he asked, eagerness dripping from his face.
"Yeah. Her name is Applejack, and she- what's wrong?" Kwiks face fell at the mention of Applejacks name.
"Well, I kinda had a job with her, but I got fired for mouthing off."
"Oh. Well then. Why did you mouth off?"
"Well, OK, here's the thing: She and Big Mac were showing me how to buck apples, right, and all of their's went right into the baskets when they kicked them, and none fell out of the baskets. But whenever I did it, some fell in, others fell out. She told me I had to do better at getting them in the baskets to maximize efficiency, right, but I can't control where the apples fall so I couldn't get more apples in the basket." Twilight started to give Kwik a strange look.
"Uh, right, well, that's...interesting. How about the boutique then?" Kwik cocked an eyebrow at this.
"What boutique?" he asked. He was definitely interested in working at a place where there would be a lot of mares, but at the same time, he was getting cautious about the people in this town.
"It's the Carousel Boutique. It's owned by a good friend of mine, and I'm sure I could help you get a job there. She's been looking for a helper for some time now." Kwik thought about it for a moment, and decided it was worth a shot.
"OK, where is this Carousel Boutique?"
"Here, I'll just teleport you there." Her horn began glowing and just like that, he was off.
A/N OK I realize that there wasn't a lot of funny in this one but I hit a block. I promise the next one will be better. -Noah
