At the end/in the Beginning

Dying hadn’t been on my list of plans for the day, but there wasn’t a lot I could do about it.

I’ve always had a wary relationship with cars. We couldn’t afford the ungodly insurance to teach me to drive when I was a teenager and found out that we still couldn’t when I was a young adult. My issue was mostly with other people who drove as if they owned the road. Because I didn’t drive, I walked to most places, and I could swear on the Bible that I was invisible about half the time I walked. One third of the times I crossed the street, I had to leap back onto the sidewalk as someone decided that their turn was more important than the pedestrian who had the right of way, and who wouldn’t make as much of a dent in the car as the car would in him. Sorry, pet peeves. It’s been long enough you’d think I could let it go …

Anyway, I’m sure that you can see where this is going. I’d been on a walk to the chain store which shall remain nameless for copyright reasons around the corner from my house. It was about 9:30 P.M., but I’d done this hundreds of times before. As I waited to cross the only street required to get there, I was surprised by the lack of traffic. As soon as I hit the crosswalk button, my light turned green, and the “Walk” sign came on. I was halfway through the street when I heard an engine roaring, coming straight for me, running a red light. I turned and saw what looked like a monster truck headed right for me. I tried to leap out of the way, but wound up tripping over thin air (yes, I’m a klutz) and fell flat on my face, my glasses cracking on the street. I heard the horn blaring. I didn’t feel anything, which was a blessing, but I heard a nasty crunch, like someone had stepped on a giant cockroach.

I was floating in a blackened void. I should have been terrified, but I felt completely at peace. I felt like I’d come home, almost, all of my cares and worries were another lifetime away. The monsters couldn’t get me here.

After what seemed like ten minutes, a voice whispered, What will you build? I couldn’t tell if the voice was inside my head or out of it.

“What?”

The voice came again. What will you build? This is yours. Your gift. Make it what you will.

“I don’t understand!”

Joyful laughter came. You get to build a universe of your very own, to play in and grow, forever. You can make galaxies and worlds, suns and shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings! Anything you dream of will come into being. What will you build?

I thought about it. My mind raced with fantastic ideas. Visions of starships filled my mind, along with a plethora of alien races. In my best impression of Star Lord, I said, “I’m gonna make some weird shit!” The voice, if it existed, laughed again.

Specifically? It asked in a teasing tone.

I thought more. “A world where magic and monsters exist. Where anything is possible! Where life throws challenges at you, but the Power of Love, and friendship reign supreme. Preferably a world without cars, I don’t want to die again. Or internet trolls. I’m honestly not quite sure.”

The voice quietly hummed. My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah-ah-ah-ah!

“I can do that?” I asked in shock.

“Anything,” remember? Yes, you can build your very own Equus. That might be fun. Let’s do it then.

“‘Let’s?’”

You know who I am, you’ve always known. I’ll be there with you, but you won’t know it. I’m always here if you need me. Are you ready to begin? You’ll need to change, and change can be painful. It’s for the best.

I nodded. “I guess so… all right. I guess I’m ready. Hope I don’t develop a god complex!”

I screamed as my soul split apart and my consciousness expanded. When it was done, I knew that I could do anything, and would know how to do it as needed. My memory had become infinite, I would remember everything I witnessed in perfect clarity, forever. Which would be a curse as well as a blessing. I was also much, much smarter than the average bear, and I could process huge quantities of information at incredible speeds. I wasn’t a God, but I was a passable Demiurge. I didn’t have a physical form anymore, but I could if I so desired. I glanced down at myself, I was picturing my old form. I still looked the same … with two differences. The tumor in my left hand and the scar it had left was completely healed … and my right hand was cherry red, turning back to normal color a little above my wrist. In every form I took, my right hand, or equivalent appendage would be that same color, and there was nothing I could do about it. I sighed wearily, the breeze stirring the voidstuff around me. Well, he got one last joke in I said with another sigh. The voice had been … part of me, I was pretty sure.

I glanced around at my new universe, waiting to come into existence. Right. Before I do anything, I’ll need some rules.

I: No interfering in free will for any reason.

II: No pulling a Thanos and destroying everything just because I’m in a bad mood or feeling misanthropic.

III: My creations are people not playthings. No torturing them because I’m bored.

IV: Other rules may be added as becomes relevant.

I pushed my spectral glasses up my non-existent nose. I was keeping them out of habit, for that moment at least. Right. Guess I’ll get started. I snickered. This makes me the ultimate Marty Stu in a human-in-Equestria fic. I thought some more.

Rule V: No fixing everycreature’s problems with a snap of my fingers. Let mortals solve their own problems, unless dire circumstances require “divine” intervention.

Rule VI: Allow there to be conflict and hardship. It’s required for individuals to grow. Allow there to be evil, so that good might be balanced and progress. However, don’t stir up trouble, “just for kicks.”

Right. I think that covers some of the basics to start with.

Hmm… I’m going to need some mood music.

A memory surfaced. Perfect!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ9GYswlzsI

The first thing I started with were nebulae, so that stars could be born. I then realized that I’d forgotten something vitally important. I had enough space to fit about 20 galaxies, but I’d forgotten time. I quickly started time ticking, and the dust and matter I’d created began to slowly flow and coalesce.

OK. Demiurge, not God. I’m not perfect, I’m not omnipotent, and I’m not omniscient. I can’t be everywhere at once either. I … need help. Big time. Who could watch an entire universe? I don’t want a Q Continuum running around wreaking havoc … The Watchers aren’t all that useful either… I mean, if you want a guardian race of all of space and time, there’s always … I grinned. That’ll work. Please, please don’t make me regret this, I’m going to work hard on this universe, and I don’t want it blown up!

I found a nebula and arranged a sequence of stars in them that looked like the constellation of an hourglass. I then thought of something and cackled. I took the concept of wordplay, and from it I formed a physical element, Punpunium. I scattered the new element around the universe liberally. If I get to make a universe, it is definitely going to be partly made of puns! Anyway, in canon, Equus is already a World of Pun, so might as well enjoy it.

I also created Magic, and I wove it carefully throughout the universe as a fundamental force. Magic in this universe was essentially a programing language, in theory if not in practice. It wasn’t inaccessible to average creatures for daily tasks like flight, but if you wanted to be a powerful mage you’d need to learn how it worked. I turned back to the task at hand. I formed a rocky planet that circled the star in the constellation that was in the pinch of the hourglass.

Time to get to work! I thought with a grin. I’d only formed the base idea of a planet, it was like having a ball of clay with no details, or a painting that only had the basecoat on. I was the sort of person who could spend a week straightening out the pixels of a picture I’d made so that none were out of place, so fine details weren’t my problem, the Big Picture (so to speak) was. I formed an atmosphere that was breathable, that turned the sky on this new planet a burnt orange. The next thing were mountain ranges miles high, covered in bitter snow. On the central continent I formed the two largest mountains, with a wide valley between them. I formed water, and let it rain down on the fresh soil. Blood red grass sprang up, covering the hills and swaying in the breeze. Trees with brilliant silver leaves like mirrors grew, forming forests, and silver petaled flowers covered the hills. Just for fun I added daisies and sunflowers that glowed golden in the blazing light. The entire planet was mostly desert, with patches where life could flourish in abundance. I created plants that bore strange looking fruits, as well as grains that could be domesticated.

The flora finished, I moved onto the fauna. I … may have been drunk with the power of creation. OK, I was absolutely drunk with the power of creation! I could make ANYTHING!!! Swarms of insects fluttered across the land, each more brilliantly colored than the last. Whales the size of New Jersey floated in the few oceans that surrounded the harsh landscapes. Dogs with six limbs ran throughout the forests, hunting what looked like green kangaroos. What might have been birds of paradise claimed the skies, each out calling its siblings.

I was honestly surprised, I’d spent years building this ecosystem, tuning and retuning land, sea, sky, and all the life in it. I’d barely noticed the time passing, I was so caught up in the thrill of designing a planet, and I wanted it to happen at a fairly normal pace instead of all at once. It didn’t take millions of years for life on this new planet to develop, but I’d lost a few thousand of my life. It was worth it, just to scream “I made this!” at the heavens. I could have done it in a week, but I was still human enough that I needed to design things slowly.

Once I was absolutely certain that this new ecosystem could sustain itself and function without my constant guidance, I set about making a dominate species.

I knew when I had first begun that I wanted to make a pony-like species, with a few key differences. I wasn’t sure how pony-like to make them. How realistic, I mean. I didn’t want jellybeans with legs and a head the size of their body, that would just be impractical. The laws of physics here were essentially the Cartoon Laws of Physics, but even so, it wasn’t the most efficient design, outside of a T.V, screen. On the other hand, I didn’t want just plain talking horses either. This was going to be a universe based on My Little Pony, and it needed to reflect that.

I finally decided on a design that had more equine features than the show but was still recognizably Pony. They were between 3 and 4 feet tall and had more equine heads than circles with short muzzles, but they were still very expressive. Their eyes were slightly larger than normal horse eyes but didn’t take up 2/3 of their face. Their hooves were also clearly visible, although they were very different in some regards. The back hooves were standard horse hooves, scaled to more MLP proportions, but the front hooves were fingered. They were more like paws than hooves, they split into flexible digits, each tipped with a small hoof. The 3 “fingers” were very short, but they’d allow for tool use better than just plain hooves. There was even a “dewclaw” of sorts that functioned as an opposable thumb. Even with my enhanced intelligence, fingers still made better sense than handwaving ponies being able to pick things up as “because magic” or “suction field.” Admittedly, I was being humanly prejudiced, I didn’t want to have to give up my fingers, and fingers just made more sense to my mind.

Their forelimbs were as flexible as human arms, with a ball and socket joint at the shoulder, and an elbow joint. They were also omnivorous, because bacon. Admittedly, there weren’t pigs on this planet, but it was a matter of principle. There were Skalthrogs, which tasted just like pork, so maybe there would be bacon. My creation’s diets were still about 80% herbivorous, but they did require small amounts of meat to survive.

To be perfectly honest, these weren’t technically ponies, but the base template was the same. With some important differences. This species had two hearts. Instead of lungs, they had a series of pulmonary tubes which ran throughout their entire bodies. They had an additional brain hemisphere that would allow for higher parallel processing, as well as highly enhanced senses. They were able to withstand great extremes in temperature, which was necessary for surviving on their home world. They also had a form of touch telepathy, allowing information to be exchanged quickly between individuals. They could even survive in the vacuum of space! Not for very long, only about ten minutes. You can do a lot in ten minutes though. Like invent a new species of fish. In a way, I’d almost designed a perfect predator, one with herd mentality and off the charts intelligence. I prayed (not to myself!) that that wouldn’t come back to bite me.

I’d kept the astonishing variety of fur colors, and mane colors and styles that showed up in the MLP universe, because they were so cool. This species would also gain Cutie Marks upon the discovery of their special talent in life. I created about 20 different examples of this species, mares and stallions. I wasn’t intending them to be very large in number, they didn’t have to be. I set them in the hills and valleys, where they took shelter from the elements, and civilization could form.

I found a quiet spot out of the way where nopony went and poked a very small hole in the fabric of spacetime, allowing temporal energy to slowly pour out onto the planet, like harmless radiation. It was only the size of an atom, and while it wouldn’t harm my creations in the slightest, it would speed up their development, and grant them additional abilities.

When felt I was finally finished with this planet, I stepped back, and examined my thousands of years of work. I was very proud. I was left with a beautiful alien planet with alien pony-shaped creatures who were gently being shaped by time energy into something greater. In time, they would be one of the most advanced races in my universe, but at the moment, they were at a caveman level of civilization. I knew I didn’t need to hold their hooves and guide them into what they could be, it would happen naturally, and at a faster pace than normal, only a few thousand years.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED:

YOU HAVE CREATED TIME LORDS

I was hoping that these Time Lords wouldn’t be exactly like the Time Lords in Doctor Who, I didn’t need a Last Great Time War on my hands. I’d seen a meme once that prolonged exposure to the Vortex induced temporary feelings of euphoria, and an irreversible god complex. I was hoping that wasn’t true, but I would have to wait and see.

I glanced at my first world and the greatest thing I’d created so far in my life. Right. I cleared my throat. I knew they couldn’t see or hear me. I didn’t want to suddenly manifest in a beam of light in the center of what would be a stone-age village, that would cause far too many problems. Just because they couldn’t hear it didn’t mean I didn’t want to reassure them. I’ll check on you all in a thousand years. I’ve got to create places for you to go out and explore! …

… I’m not comfortable being prayed to, but if I can, and if I hear you, I’ll help. I chuckled. Try not to kill each-other while I’m gone kids. You’re going to do great things. I can feel it in my … well, I don’t have bones at the moment, but still. Good luck!

….

I had no idea if the Gallopfreyans would survive that first year. I hadn’t revealed myself to them in any way, I’d just created a planet and them, and given them the potential to be fantastic. I was a nervous wreck leaving them. What if an asteroid hit the planet that first night? At the same time, I knew it was for the best if I let them develop naturally. I steeled my nerve and headed out into the universe. I set a mental alarm to go off in a thousand years, I knew I’d lose track of time, and I’d promised I’d look in on them. They were my first experiment, and I wanted to see how it worked out.

In the meantime, I went about creating the rest of the universe for my children to explore. The universe I grew up in was supposedly infinite, according to human measurements at least, I had no idea how Gods measured such things. My universe was not infinite. If I felt far enough, there was a barrier of sorts, one even I couldn’t cross. The universe would expand in time, but it would always be a smaller universe. I knew it would be big enough for me, although whether tis town iz big enough fer tha both o’ us would be another matter.

Now that I had gotten a feel for it, the process of creation came easier. I knew there was room for about 20 galaxies, so I created 16 to start with. I wanted there to be breathing room between them. I also wasn’t too sure how much I wanted my children to meet each other. That could lead to serious complications.

Rather than personally shape every aspect of life on the vast collection of worlds I made, I simply created the necessary conditions, and seeded them with the potential for life to happen naturally. The chief reasons for this were simple: a) I’m lazy by inclination, b) I wanted to be surprised by what life could design on its own, and c) I knew that I couldn’t single-handedly manage every single planet I created. I was neither omniscient nor omnipotent, and I certainly wasn’t omnipresent. My original reason for creating Gallopfrey was so that the Time Lords could keep a watchful eye on creation for me. Also, I’m a huge Doctor Who fan, and the idea of there potentially being a Doctor Whooves in my universe was too good a possibility to pass up. Besides, he’s a fan favorite!

Not every world was seeded with the possibility of life, and not every world that had been would actually develop life. The life that did develop probably wouldn’t be all that advanced either. I firmly believed in evolution, but as a tool of intelligent design, and not some cosmic accident.

Even with all of my newfound power, I still didn’t quite see myself as a God, big G. I made many sacrilegious jokes to myself, but I didn’t actually mean them. I was just a human who through some unforeseen, unbelievably improbable event had been gifted with the ability to dream a private universe into being. I had no idea how or why this had happened, and if there was an answer, I didn’t hear it.

It was … worrisome how easily I lost myself in the act of creating. I lost all sense of time, and even a bit of my sense of self. I realized that it was in some ways the ultimate drug. While I was “working” none of my cares, doubts, or mental troubles came to bother me. I was free in my mind and got to experience the closet thing I ever had to sheer joy. I could simply lose myself in nature, knowing that I had made it.

I’d been sitting on a cliff overlooking a purple sea when it happened for the first time. I’d been musing on the fact that I put so much of myself into my creations, I was losing my sense of self. I was fading away. With a small poof, a being popped into existence on my right shoulder. It was a 3-inch-tall anthropomorphic wolf, with white fur, blue eyes, white wings, and an aura around his head that looked like a halo. Outwardly, he was genderless, if you went by any obvious tells, but I knew on sight he was a he.

You have GOT to be kidding me!

The wolf shrugged, a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t pick the way I manifested.”

Neither did I, I pointed out.

He shrugged again. He stuck out a paw. “I’m Alexis,” he said with a wide smile.

Greek. “Helper,” or “Defender.” I suppose that’s a fitting name for a conscience. I didn’t think I had one of you lot. Not in an “Angel on my shoulder” way. I pressed the tip of my finger against his paw, he gripped it with his fingers and firmly shook. What exactly have I done to deserve your showing up?

Alexis grinned. “Well, back when you were alive you talked to yourself constantly. Maybe I’m just the next level. I think you’re lonely, if I’m going to be honest. Anyway, speaking in an official capacity, I think you should take it easy on the losing yourself in your work. Pretty soon you might not even have a mind, you’d just be a fundamental force.”

A burst of flame on my left shoulder, and a quick shock of heat. “Yeah, ‘me time’ is a pretty good idea,” a voice said, and I could picture the smug grin. I turned and looked.

Could I get any more cliché? I groaned. This wolf had black fur with red eyes and markings, bat wings, and small horns. He was also anatomically correct, but slightly exaggerated. What’s your name, Asmodeus?!

“Apep,” he said, looking hurt.

I rolled my eyes. The literal embodiment of chaos. Forgive me, I should have expected such. At least you’re both alliterative. What’s your suggestion?

Apep pulled out a scroll and a pair of rectangular reading glasses. “Well, since you brought it up, destruction might be fun. It’s a necessary force in the universe, even if you don’t like it. You could always create a paradox to stir things up. Add a little chaos to your universe. Tinkerbell over here’s right, you are lonely. You could always create some ‘companionship,’ if you know what I mean,” he said, pointing at his crotch with a shit-eating grin.

DROP. DEAD.

“Ouch. No need to get so touchy boss.”

“‘Tinkerbell?!’” Alexis said in outrage.

Apep chuckled. “Oh, come on. You’ve got the whole ‘Sweetness and Sunshine’ act down perfectly.”

“So I take pride in my appearance! What’s wrong with that?”

Apep folded his arms and grinned smugly. “Let me guess … you play the harp choirboy?”

“Piano actually, and what does that have to do with-”

“See? You might as well walk around singing hymns.”

“Listen, I have a job to do, and I’m going to do it! Just because you think everything’s fun and games-”

“Stick in the mud!”

“Lunatic!”

“You!”

“You infinity,” Alexis growled, baring his teeth, his hackles raised.

I facepalmed. Oh, my God, just stop! I’ll take your advice! Just go away, or however I get rid of you two!

Apep shrugged. “That’ll work.” They both disappeared.

I sighed. Welp. I’ve obviously gone insane. And watched The Emperors’ New Groove one too many times. I sat and watched the stars drift by, each a possibility. I sighed again. I am NOT lonely! The only response was silence.

A thousand years had passed by quickly. It was time to make good on my promise, if there was anyone there to see it. Gallopfrey wasn’t exactly where I’d left it, but bodies in space move, even if it is slowly by human standards. It took me another ten minutes to find the right star system.

I looked down on my work, and I was slightly stunned. The last time I’d seen the Gallopfreyans, they’d barely invented fire. Now, in between the mountains of Solace and Solitude, on the continent of Wild Endeavor, stood the Citadel of the Time Lords. It would have made a pretty snow globe; an idea I was still sad the BBC had never capitalized on.

I was in shock. The Gallopfreyans should not have become Time Lords that quickly! It had taken the Gallifreyans millions of years! I then remembered that I’d done something that was both lazy, and bone-headed stupid. I’d exposed the Gallopfreyans to tiny amounts of the Time Vortex constantly for a thousand years, in order to help them develop as a people. In layman’s terms, I’d left the oven on for a millennium, and my recipe was done. The fact that I’d made them phenomenally smart even as “caveponies”, and able to literally exchange ideas probably helped their development as well.

I wanted to see more. I formed myself a Gallopfreyan body, one that wouldn’t stick out too much. I glanced at my right forehoof and gave an annoyed snort that sounded a lot like a horse. It was still cherry red, turning to the dark grey the rest of my coat was at the fetlock, which was essentially the wrist of these ponies. I hated the fact that I had a “tell” to my identity.

I hadn’t had physical form in a long, long time. The feeling of the breeze on my coat, the scent of grass in my nostrils, the feeling of the ground and grass beneath my hooves, and the buzz of insects that made my ears turn to follow the sound was an alien experience, one I hadn’t had in lifetimes. I was in sensory overload, but I’d learned to deal with that as a human, and I was able to better deal with it now. I took several deep breaths, missing the feeling of my lungs expanding. After a few minutes, my heartrates slowed, and I was able to focus on the task at hoof. Speaking of, I held up my “red right hand” and wiggled the digits. It did function as a hand, for which I was grateful.

Most of my mind was inside my new body, but a fragment was keeping an eye on other things, just in case. I could see myself from outside my head, which was an unusual sensation. I was a large grey unicorn stallion, with red spiky hair, blue eyes, and a swirl of stars and planets for a Cutie Mark. I fashioned a brown cloak that I draped over myself, and I headed into the city.

I’d seen brief clips of the Citadel in Doctor Who, but this was a marvel. Towering spires connected by fragile, floating walkways sprouted from the ground. I looked up and saw flying carpets, which made my jaw drop. That … didn’t make sense. I then remembered that magic was a key part of this universe, and the Time Lords were one of the most advanced species in creation. Logically, they would also have been mighty mages, as well as great scientists. That could be fun.

I was so awed by what I saw, that I crashed into two different Time Lords. They muttered in Gallopfreyan. “Sorry!” I called. Having a mortal voice again was strange, and I coughed violently as my voice cracked, before a huge sneeze welled up and broke out. I started laughing like a maniac. “I haven’t sneezed in six thousand years. Who’s happy to sneeze? I- AH-CHOO! Urrgh.” I summoned a handkerchief and blew my nose. “OK, I haven’t actually missed allergies.” I glanced around at the grass swaying outside the city before a chuckle welled up. “Oh, good grief, I gave myself a body with hay fever.” I snickered.

I wasn’t sure where to go, or what there was to see, or if I’d be arrested for not keeping off the grass. I headed down a side street, and the scent of incense hit my nose, followed by the sound of bells softly chiming in the wind. It was a very nice smell; I’d liked incense when I was alive. I followed my nose and my ears and came across what looked like a temple. Huh. I didn’t think Gallifreyans were religious, I always thought they worshiped time, or themselves. Of course, this isn’t Gallifrey. My ears drooped when I saw the banner hanging over the door. On a black background with intricate gold edging was a red right forehoof print. There were almost no beings in the universe who could be considered gods, and only one of them had a red right hoof. Hoooh boy… Feeling nervous and pulling my cloak further over me, I headed in.

It was a very nice temple, it was slightly dark inside, but there were candles and torches that provided enough light to see by. The walls had intricate carvings on them, I concentrated for a minute so that I could read them. “Thanks be unto the Architect for our bountiful world. May his guiding hoof always show mercy unto us…” I couldn’t make out the rest, circular Gallopfreyan hurt to read. I’d need a couple of months of study to fully master it. The incense was very nice, I wasn’t sure what plant it was from, but it had a smell almost like caramel to it.

I headed into the center room and saw a circular table in the center heaped with offerings. Candles lined the curved walls of the rooms. I glanced at the mosaics and my eyes widened. There was a stylized picture of an alicorn stallion with a red right forehoof that turned back to the normal color a little above the fetlock … wearing my glasses. Oh crap.

“Many moments to thee, traveler,” came a soft voice from behind me.

I turned and saw a cream-colored Pegasus mare with a curly yellow mane and green eyes, dressed in red robes with the traditional Time Lord large collar. Her right forehoof had been carefully painted red.

I inclined my head respectfully. “Many moments to thee as well, Sister…?”

She smiled. “My birth name is Aleyebraxus, but my title is The Oracle. What brings you here today?”

“Curiosity. Who … who’s temple is this?”

Her eyes widened. “You do not know of the Architect?!”

“I come from the Drylands,” I said, “I’m sort of a hermit, I’ve rarely met another creature, and my parents did not teach me much before they died.”

The Oracle looked at me skeptically but decided to humor me. “The Architect is the being who designed and created the universe, and who built the very ground we stand on now. All things that are are as he wished them to be. We are his first children, but there will be others, in time. We have seen many times, and many timelines.”

“Hmm. Thank you, that seems-”

Her eyes widened. “Let me see your hoof!”

I held it up.

“Your other hoof,” she said in a warning tone.

I closed my eyes and held it out. I felt her turn it over a few times, tracing it with her fingers.

“The Architect does not always have a physical form, but when he does, he can look like anything, from a speck of quantum foam to a star blazing in the sky. … However, when he appears as a mortal, his right forelimb is always a vibrant red.” I opened my eyes to see her smirking at me. “You never answer prayers,” she said in a teasing tone.

“I genuinely had no idea I was being prayed to. I’m not a god, and I’m not comfortable being treated like one.”

“But you created the universe, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but…” I blew air out my nostrils and sighed. “When you read, you picture the world the story or the event takes place in, yes?” She nodded. “My … picture, my inner world is just outside my head, I don’t know why. I created it, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated as something holy or divine. I’m as flawed as the next creature. A god is a perfect being, I’m just … well, I’ve always liked the term ‘demiurge.’ A creator, but not a god.”

She looked at me with a worried expression. “Are we nothing but a dream of yours then?”

I chuckled and took her hoof in mine. “No. Aleyebraxus, you are an individual. You have your own story, and your own life to live. You have hopes, dreams, goals, fears, worries, and a destiny all your own. Only you can live it, you are unique in the universe. I may have laid a foundation that lead to you being here, but believe me, you are just as real as I am. All my children are to me.”

She slowly relaxed. “That’s … good. You don’t wish to be worshiped.” It wasn’t a question. I shook my head. She sighed. “Well, that puts me out of a job.” She looked at me with interest. “I suppose I can understand that, but … the thought of your existence and guidance gives hope to nearly all of us. It helps to get us through the day. Perhaps I could rework your religion into something you would approve of?”

“You can do that?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Well … if I don’t approve, I will raze Gallopfrey with heavenly fire.” I said with a grin.

The Oracle grinned back. “Bold words for one who so insists he’s not a god.”

We both chuckled. I pointed at the murals surrounding us. “How did you know so much about me?”

She grinned smugly. “I’m a Time Lord, and the High Priestess of your faith in the Citadel. I looked you up. Your lesser aspects are … interesting…”

“Lesser aspects?” I asked in a puzzled tone. She pointed to a smaller mural. There were Alexis and Apep, duking it out cartoon style, in the art style of a Roman mosaic. “Oh dear. Guess that means those two are sticking around, huh?” I chuckled and turned back to her. “I agree to your proposition, with my blessing, if you agree to stop spying on me!”

She smiled. “A deal.” We shook hooves on it. “I’m sure you have more universe to create?” she said slyly.

I nodded. “There’s one thing left to make, my magnum opus. No offence,” I added quickly.

“None taken. I’m proud we were here first.”

I sighed. “But, to be honest … I could use a couple of year break. I … sort of lost track of what was real, if that makes any sense.”

“Hmm. You know yourself best. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your name?”

I sighed. “I don’t think I can use the name I was given, I died, and my world is likely dust by now.” I looked at her. “What do your people call me?”

“Well, your title is ‘Architect,’ but the name we gave you is Weyan’a. It means ‘he who fashioned starlight.’”

“I like that. Thank you. I am sure you will do well.”

She nodded. “Of course I will. Blessings go with you.”

“And with you, Lady Oracle of Gallopfrey.”

I headed out, walking to the edge of the Citadel. I was hoping to head out and finish my work once I was out of sight, but my ear turned as I heard a sound I hadn’t known I’d missed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-waEo5v-jNM

I followed the notes up to an apartment in a spire of the Citadel. I was busy blocking out everything but the music, letting it transport me. God, I forgot how much I’d loved piano, and the Doctor Who soundtrack. It was slightly ironic that a Time Lord was playing a song from the show, or maybe it was just a bit of heavy leaning on the fourth wall.

I came up the stairs and saw that the door was open. As the song finished the pianist turned out to be a cobalt blue stallion with a wavy black mane and tail, and a musical staff for a cutie mark.

His eyes were closed, but he asked me, “What did you think?”

“Beautiful,” I replied. “Would … would you teach me?”

He chuckled and turned around. “Would you pay?” I nodded. “It takes years to learn.”

“I have time,” I said quickly. “Though I’m not the best student. I get frustrated easily.”

His eyes narrowed. “Would you try to damage my piano?”

“Yes,” I said almost instantly, “if I got angry enough at myself.”

He snickered. “At least you’re an honest stallion. Hmm… I’ll teach you, but you will pay for any damages you incur, and I will adjust my rates if I think you are taking advantage of me.”

“Deal,” I said, sticking my hoof out.

As we shook, his eyes noticed my hoof. “Ah, you’re an acolyte!”

“Hmm?”

“An acolyte, you work at the temple of the Architect.”

I knew to play along. “Yes, I just joined the order. I’m The Wanderer.” It was a fitting name.

“I am The Virtuoso, believe it or not. I’m one of the few Time Lords who didn’t choose my own title. Very well,” he scooted to the end of the bench and motioned for me to sit down. With a smirk he said, “Show me where middle C is, if you’re so keen…”

I looked at the keyboard in panic. Oh, boy…

The Virtuoso chuckled. “Just testing your knowledge. That will be our first lesson. Do you know how to read music?”

“Not well, but enough to sing by,” I said.

“Hmm. Not good, but a passable place to start. Now then, pay attention, and play what I play after me…”

As I took my first piano lesson, part of my mind was planning busily so that I could continue this. I could always ask The Oracle if I could become an acolyte at my own temple, I had a feeling she’d find the thought hysterical.

So. I still had work to do, but … I could take a break, and progress in other ways. Hopefully learn to live again at the same time. Note by clumsy, misplayed note, I began to take my first steps.

Time After Time

View Online

I hadn’t been expecting to stay on Gallopfrey long. A year or two at the most. Instead I wound up spending three. It was an interesting three years. I got to see much more than I had my last ten years as a human.

Perhaps the first year was the most important. I actually was able to get a job as an acolyte at my own temple, which was hysterical. I was put in charge of organizing (and writing) texts of the faith.

The title I’d chosen for myself was The Wanderer, but the Gallopfreyans gave me other titles as well. I seemed to have a direct line of communication with the Architect. If someone brought their prayers to the temple and the information was passed on to me, the prayer would usually be answered. I also had access to information that only the Architect could have known, although I received that information in dreams. My faith was slowly turned into something that placed more emphasis on the individual and doing good to all than a cosmic entity. They called me “The Seer” or “The Prophet,” neither of which I enjoyed, but I couldn’t take them back.

My piano lessons actually went surprisingly well. I was able to play basic pieces by the end of that first year and had a much better understanding of music theory. I made sure to keep on improving my other hobbies as well.

Aleyebraxus was the first friend I’d had in a long time, but she started asking questions right away.

“What was it?”

I turned from the scroll I was busy writing. Circular Gallopfreyan was still a very complicated language, even if you did understand it well enough to read and write. “What was what?”

“Your name. The one you had before you came here.”

I gave an annoyed huff. “That’s my business. It’s one of the only things I took with me, along with my mind and soul.”

“I’ll find it out eventually, so you might as well save me the trouble and tell me now before I embarrass you with it.”

I sighed. “My name is John. It’s the Latinized version of a Hebrew name which means ‘[God] is gracious,’ or ‘graced by [God].’ The actual meaning uses another name for God, but I prefer not to use that name, I don’t want Him any angrier at me than He already is. My surname can mean ‘dark,’ ‘black haired,’ ‘unlucky’ or ‘defiance.’ Names are … a hobby of mine, I believe that names should say what something is.” I turned and glared at her. “I’ve told you mine what does your name mean?”

She chuckled. “Aleyebraxus means ‘One who sees the curve of the universe and interprets it,’ or ‘bright spark,’ usually both. Fitting name for an oracle, isn’t it?” I nodded, trying to go back to my work. “What was your home like?”

“Unbearably hot and fatally polluted,” I said more harshly than I intended. I sighed. “Sorry. It was … good. And bad. Every spring the hills would turn green for a month, and for a week they’d blaze yellow and orange when the wildflowers bloomed. People actually came from miles away to see the poppies. When the sun would set, the sky was lilac, the clouds were peach, and the sun was a cherry dipping below the horizon. You could hike the mountains and swim the sea in the same day if you got up early enough and didn’t stay long. You could talk to trees that were over 2,000 years old. The summer farmer’s markets always had live shows, the fairs were the biggest and the best, and every Christmas they made it fake snow so we could enjoy it. I miss it. A lot. I didn’t think I would. … I don’t like to talk about it. I miss my friends. They were all crazy, but we were crazy together. We all understood, and we knew it was ok to be afraid of your mind. I’m never going to see them again, or play D&D with them, or see the latest superhero movie.

…

That’s what my home was like.”

“Do you have a home here?”

I set my pen down. “No,” I said, realizing that I’d never made myself a permanent place to call home. “I just … Wander,” I said with a grin. “I should build one.”

She grabbed my scroll and rolled it up. “Go. Make a home, I don’t want any arguments. I doubt it will take you long, and your job will still be here when you’re done.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

She gave a smug smirk. “You may be the god of this world, but you agreed to work for me, so yes, actually I do.”

I sighed. “I’m not a god. I’ll be back in a day or two. A house should be easier than a planet.”

I stepped off the planet and glanced at the stars. “Right…” I concentrated. A demiplane sprang into existence a step and a half above the universe. I stumbled a bit, that had actually taken a lot of energy, which surprised me. A key on a string appeared in front of me, hanging lazily in front of me.

It was topped with most of a skull before the body and the teeth turned into filigree. It looked like it was made of tarnished silver.

Heh. Skeleton key. Of course. I grabbed it and stuck it into the air in front of me, turning it to the right until I felt it click. A crack of light in the shape of a door opened I pulled the door open and stepped through, not sure what to expect.

A castle hadn’t been high on the list. But when I saw it….

Well. Physics have gone right out the window…

“And why shouldn’t they, they’re so inconvenient!” came a familiar voice. I turned and saw Apep lying on his back in the air, a grin on his muzzle.

Your middle initial wouldn’t happen to be ‘Q,’ would it? My id would have that sort of personality.

I glanced down. The welcome mat read, “GO AWAY!” Well, this is definitely my home, I said with a sigh. Hope it’s not some villainous lair…

Alexis landed on my shoulder, peering at ~~our~~ my new home. “I think you’re good. Can we go inside?”

I nodded and pulled the door open. The inside was brightly lit, for looking like a medieval castle on the outside. There was lots of warm wood and intricate carpets on the floor. Hanging directly opposite the door was a banner that read, “WELCOME TO MY LAIR. ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!”

I wasn’t sure where to go. A chiming sound took me by surprise. I glanced down. Plugged into an outlet by the door was … my phone?!! I picked it up. I have wi-fi here?! I asked in shock. The network name was “Millennial’s Lifeblood,” which made me crack up, since I resembled that remark.

I pulled open my messages and tried to send one to my best friend. “NOT DEAD!!!! Well, ok, dead, but I still exist! Can you tell everyone I’m OK? It’s actually not too hot down here, and once you get used to the smell of brimstone, it’s easy sailing. XD” I hit “Send.” An alarm chimed. An error message on my phone read, “Contact not allowed at this time. Please try again later.” What is that supposed to mean?! I hit “more info.” The message expanded. “Contact with family and associates still living is not permitted. Please wait until the end of time, and your call will be taken by the next available representative, your business is very important to us!”

How could he still be alive? It’s been 5,000 years! Mind you, he said the reason he became an engineer was to build a cyber body and transcend the limitations of the human form. Or, the more logical thought is that time works very differently here. I wonder how long I’ve been dead. Ten years? A year? A month? A day? Am I going to wake up in the ambulance in a day or two? Not being dead would be great, but if I am dead, I’d rather finish my work…

“Boss! You’ve gotta come see this!” came Apep’s voice.

Of course they ran off without me, I chuckled. Huh. Why does my voice sound different if I’m not pretending to be mortal? Eh, doesn’t matter. I followed the sounds of Apep and Alexis, and my jaw dropped when I stepped through the door. OK, that’s just showing off!

I had a library. An enormous library! As in Barnes and Noble big. There had to be thousands of books in there. It would take me years to read them all. I had no idea where they even came from, but it was one of the most beautiful sights I’d seen.

I yelped when someone leaned on top of my head. I was human shaped at the moment, not pony shaped, which meant I was 6-ish feet tall if I stood up straight. So, for someone to comfortably lean on me…

I glanced up. Apep smiled and began running his fingers through my hair. I swatted him away and wriggled out from under him. He had to be eight feet tall! My, how you’ve grown!

Apep chuckled, “Yeah, being Bite-Sized all the time isn’t fun, and here we can let our hair down, so to speak.”

For being my Id, you’re being pretty … kind? Chill?

“Eh, I want your happiness, I just go about it in ways that ‘aren’t socially acceptable,’” he said with an eye roll.

“I found something I think you’ll like!” came Alexis’s voice from another room. We quickly followed.

I hadn’t noticed it, but each room had a small plaque next to the door that said what each room was. This room was labeled “Knitting Room.” The room was very nice, it had a couple of couches, a fireplace against one wall, and a TV with a shelf full of DVDs. “Nice!” I said.

“Oh, that’s not what I’m talking about!” said Alexis in a smug voice. He was also full sized and was holding open a door built into the wall by the couches. I headed in. The room was all shelves, each shelf full of cubbyholes filled with yarn. My entire apartment would have fit in this room about 3 times. There had to be a hundred thousand skeins of yarn in here, in every color and pattern you could imagine. It was organized by color even! It was beautiful!

Wow! Man, I’m not going to have to go to the yarn store for almost a month! I began to examine my stash. Hanging along one wall were knitting needles in various sizes. Let’s see … I’ve got cobalt and fuchsia aplenty, every color they have in a store, size eight needles I’ve got … twenty … but … who cares? No big deal! 🎶I WAAANNNNTTT MOOOOOREEEE!!!🎶 I realized I was bursting into a parody song and clamped my mouth shut. The feeling went away.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard music blasting.

I followed my ears until I saw Apep and Alexis both jamming to a song together. It was one of my favorite songs, but it was an odd song for two guys to dance to, given the context…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgaAjBw14sg

As soon as the first run-through of the chorus came on, they both burst into song, each grinning at the other.

When they were done, I said, Wow. You both have really nice voices!

“Thanks Boss!” Apep said with a grin. Alexis shrugged modestly.

I chuckled. Why do I have the feeling you two are going to become some sort of couple?

Their mouths dropped open. They looked at each other. They looked at me. They looked back at each other, they looked back with me. In unison they shouted, “WITH THAT GUY?!!!” in outrage.

Touché, I muttered.

There was a lot more castle to explore, and at one point I felt like I was being turned inside out as the floor became the ceiling and vice versa. Thankfully my body adjusted to the sudden flip in gravity. It’s nowhere near chaotic enough, but Discord would love parts of this! Huh. I paused. I wonder how he’s going to show up. Do I create him? As a personification, does he just appear one day? I refuse to have a MLP ‘verse without my favorite character… I’ll figure that out later…

I didn’t see the whole castle that first night. It seemed to be bigger on the inside. Each room was bigger on the inside. Considering that from the outside it was an enormous bloody CASTLE that was saying something! There were two last stops I made.

The first was labeled “O&O chamber of ceremonies.” OK, what’s…? I opened the door. Oh, holy fudge biscuits, YES!!! I cheered. It was a circular room made of dark grey stone. In the center of the room was a stone table surrounded by 12 high back stone chairs with cushions. It looked a lot like the friendship map, honestly. Torches lined the walls, burning with a harmless magical fire. Banners dangled from the ceiling, each showing the symbol for a class from D&D (or in this case Ogres and Oubliettes) along with the name under the symbol. Most of the ceiling was a glass dome that showed a night sky, even though it was still daylight outside. There was a vending machine filled with free snacks, and a small bookshelf. The books were the O&O Player’s Handbook, the Dungeon Master’s Guide, the Monster Manual, and a few thin binders filled with character sheets and stats for monsters. There were also rolled up map sheets and whiteboard markers and erasers.

On top of the bookcase was a small chest labeled “Miniatures.” I pulled it open. Huh. These look like … Spike, Big Mac, Discord, Thorax, and … Sombra?! That can’t be right. On the chair that looked like the head of the table was a grey hat that looked like Gandalf’s, with the letters “DM” stitched in in blue thread. This is so cool!!!

Behind the chair was a large chest with the word “Dice” in gold letters set into the lid. I pulled it open. Holy buck!!! I swore. The chest had teeth. And a tongue. Six beady orange eyes opened and stared at me.

“Language!” The chest … no … the mimic snapped. I glanced down. He...? was actually labeled correctly. Sitting in the mimic’s “mouth” were 45 sets of dice. He sighed wearily. “Look, I’m not going to eat you! Although, if you throw the odd bit of salmon my way, I’d be most appreciative.”

Duly noted. I’ll set a note to remind myself. Do … do you have a name?

The mimic closed his eyes and seemed to grimace. “Chester,” he muttered.

Ouch!

“Yeah, not my pick of name,” Chester grumbled.

Sorry, that’s probably my fault. I’m overly fond of bad puns. I always wanted a pet mimic, provided it wouldn’t eat my friends … How often do you have to eat?

“Just once a month,” Chester said casually. “We tend to sit in one place for long and wait for prey to come by, so we’re used to not eating often.”

Deal. I held out my hand, Chester extended a pseudopod, and we shook. Will you be ok in here? O&O won’t be invented for a long time, and that’s assuming I bring friends over. I don’t want you to just sit here for thousands of years.

“Mimics tend to hibernate until something tasty wanders by. I’ll be good, I just want to be fed, and talked to. Maybe you could leave some books? I’m technically a sort of prop anyway.”

I’ll bring the books. It was nice to meet you!

“Catch you later!” Chester called.

The very last room was my bedroom. Of course it’s a Slytherin dormitory, I muttered.

Still really nice! I walked over to the window and glanced out. The view outside was the bottom of a lake with kelp waving in the currents. Schools of fish darted in and out. Hope there aren’t Merpeople out there, I get dressed in this room! The bed was wide enough to fit about four people, but … Why is it so short? I could have gotten into it with ease if I was 3 feet tall and quadrupedal. I facepalmed. It’s designed for a pony, John. I shifted into an earth pony and flopped into bed. Mmm... comfortable, I said happily. I glanced around. You could fit 4 ponies on this thing! Considering that this whole place was designed perfectly for me, I hope that’s not a subconscious wish to bring somepony home… Why is some of this place pony height and some human height? Beats me…

Apep and Alexis walked into the room, having finished exploring.
How’d it go?

“Good! I think you’ll like living here.”

“Eh, could do with a few more bells and whistles,” Apep muttered.

I thought about it. I haven’t slept in almost 5,000 years, but … a night’s rest sounds good. I could probably will myself to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have nightmares. Do you guys have somewhere to sleep?

Apep shrugged. “Nah, I think we just go back into that demented brain of yours. Night boss, sleep well!”

“Night!”’ Alexis called. The two disappeared.

I shifted back into human form and got under the snake emblazoned green sheets and glanced at the carvings of snakes on the four posters of the bed. Was Salazar Slytherin compensating for something? Or was a snake his first and only friend? I concentrated, feeling sleepy already. Guess we’ll never know. Hope the Harry Trotter series actually exists… at that point I passed out.

I woke up very early, feeling abnormally hot. I was also being tickled by … fur? What felt like arms were wrapped around me. I opened my eyes to find fully grown Apep and Alexis … cuddling with me. OK, not thinking about the implications of cuddling with my conscience… I thought. Freud would have a field day. I slowly tried to sit up. Without waking up they both yanked me back down. At least they didn’t snore. I wonder why I’m in the middle. Well, shoulder angel and devil, makes sense they’d be on either side of me. I teleported out from between them. Apep moved closer to Alexis and started to spoon with him. I got my phone and snapped a picture. I couldn’t help it; they were so cute! I didn’t see wolves cuddling every day. Besides, the picture would make excellent blackmail material. Welp. I’m already shipping those two in my head, even though I’m sure they’d hate the thought.

Not sure what to do, I wandered the halls, finding a door marked “Kitchen.” I opened it. Eh, a little too high-end for me, but this’ll work. I’ve got my dream house and no one to share it with, I sighed. I opened the fridge to find what was in it. I found bacon and eggs, and my eyes lit up, over the bacon, not the eggs. I started making enough for 3. About the time I was scrambling the eggs, I heard two people screaming in horror. I cackled deviously. When I dished the meal up, Apep and Alexis walked in. Apep was trying unsuccessfully to comb his fur with his fingers.

Sleep well? I asked, radiating innocence.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Apep snapped.

I passed them their plates, and they began to wolf down their food, pun heavily intended. I opened the fridge again and saw something I missed.

Alexis hadn’t seen it, but as my conscience he could read my mind, and snapped, “You are not eating cake for breakfast!”

Is it all right if I have it for second breakfast? Alexis facepalmed but didn’t verbally reply. That’s not a “no.” I said smugly. When we were done, I said, Right. I’d better head back to Gallopfrey if I want to keep my job. When we were all done, I quickly washed the dishes, bid Chester Goodbye, locked the door behind me, and wound up back on Gallopfrey in the body I’d left in.

I walked back into the temple and asked, “It hasn’t been a thousand years, has it?”

Aleyebraxus looked at me in confusion. “It’s been one day. Why, what were you expecting?”

“Not important.”

“Right. Well, for missing work, you can scrub all the candlewax off the alters.”

“You told me to go!”

“Yes, but somebody’s got to do it.”

Aleyebraxus, don’t you dare-!

She smirked. “Your ‘god voice’ doesn’t scare me.”

I sighed. I’ll go get a bucket and some rags.

“Good foal.” I tried to subtly smite her, but only wound up with a spark of static electricity in her mane.

I was rather shocked when the Lord President walked into the temple, eyeing it skeptically. He had never struck me as a particularly religious stallion, and if he was it certainly wouldn’t be something as pedestrian as worshiping me. I was on “door duty” for what was entirely an accident. I never would have guessed that ink could stain that badly.

The Lord President was currently a tall, imposing green stallion in his physical and mental prime. His cutie mark was his seal, if that was telling enough. I got the feeling if he could have gotten away with it, he’d be sneering at me.

“Yes sir?”

“I wish to speak to the Architect.”

“Pardon?”

“I’m not repeating myself. Go pray or whatever you do to get his attention and come get me when he’s ready. I’ve got all day if that’s what it takes,” he said with a nasty grin.

I plastered on a smile I’ve been told is perfected after years of working in customer service and said. “Certainly sir, if you’ll just go into the main chamber? I’ll let him know to expect you.”

He nodded. When he got to the chamber his jaw dropped. I may have overdone it, but I wasn’t going to let him be condescending to the being he thought was his god.

I was currently a Draconequus, funnily enough. It seemed appropriate, given that I’d had six seconds to pick a form. Frankly I made Discord look tame.

My fur was white, I had six arms (the paws on the arms on the right were red), and I had 2 oryx antlers and a curved black horn like a Changeling’s. My eyes didn’t have pupils, irises, or sclera, they were just a section of night sky. Probably not the sky of this planet. I had a fang jutting out of either side of my mouth, and my lower half was a lion. Not just having a lion’s legs, it was actually a lion, like a centaur or a wemic. The halo radiating out from my face was overdoing it. I was also knitting 3 things at once because I was pissed at him, and it would keep me from strangling him.

Yes? I boomed. He threw himself on the ground. Oh, stop groveling! I can’t stand people groveling. If I wanted you to grovel, I’d tell you. He shakily straightened up. My eyes narrowed. What are you doing now?

“I – I’m averting my eyes, my lord.”

It took me a minute to remember that even as an acolyte, I was Lord Wanderer, so it was a less formal title than I’d thought it was. Well DON’T. I want to see your face when we talk, not the top of your head. That’s better. What may I do for you today, my Lord President?

“I have questions…”

I might not have answers but ask away.

“What is the purpose of the Time Lords?”

Firstly, to live your lives as you see fit. You’re people, not pieces in some cosmic chess game. I’m horrible at chess anyway, and I refuse to see people as pawns. There is a reason I created you though. You have the power to observe all of time and space, and if necessary, protect it. I can’t do that on my own. I can barely manage one planet.

The President stared at me in shock. “Aren’t you the being who created the universe?”

Eeyup.

“But you can’t actually manage it?!!!”

Nope, I muttered. I can’t be everywhere at once. My powers are a lot more limited than you’d think. Creation and reality warping do not Godhood make. If people insist on seeing me as a god, I’d rather be a good god than an Olympian or someone who pulls the wings off of flies –

“‘Olympian?’” the President said, trying out the unfamiliar word.

Not important. I sighed. Anyway, I created an entire universe, but even I don’t know everything that’s in it. I decided to surprise myself, and make something that you could explore. I’d like the Timelords to be its guardians, if you are willing. It’s a big responsibility, and not one I’d hand over to just anyone.

“If you want us to keep an eye on everything, we’ll need a way to see it.”

I grinned, showing off rows of sharp teeth. Tell me, have you ever heard of a T.A.R.D.I.S.?

I spent the next hour telling the President everything I knew about TARDISes, even sharing memories and drawing up rough schematics. I’m not an engineer and I only knew so much from the show, but I was able to help the President figure out the basics well enough that the Time Lords would have been able to grow TARDISes within a year. I felt proud of myself for contributing the idea.

As we were wrapping up, I said, My Lord? He nodded. You should treat those beneath you with more compassion, your people will need a great leader to guide them through this step in your history. Don’t look down on others, reach out to help them up. I need to go figure out how to safely build a black hole for this thing to work. My Lord Wanderer will keep me informed of your progress. Many moments to thee.

I disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing as Wanderer bent over my books in time to see the President walk back out into the main chambers. He walked out looking thoughtful. He spotted me and headed over.

“How did it go?”

“I asked you if I could talk to god, and less than a minute later, he showed up. Ever since you arrived, prayers have been answered, and we’re even more prosperous than ever. What are you? You don’t have a timeline. I checked. That’s impossible.”

I hadn’t wanted the Time Lords to spy on me, and I didn’t want my future spoiled. Should have figured that would apply to my aliases as well.

The President was glaring at me. “You are either a genuine prophet or an incredibly talented conpony. Which is it?”

“Would you believe me if I said it was a bit of both?” He seemed to take that as an answer.

He glanced at my hoof and raised a brow. He suddenly grabbed it and started rubbing at it with his fingers. When nothing happened, his eyes widened in horror and his face grew paler under his fur. “That’s not paint….”

I grinned at him like a cat looking at a king. He actually ran out of the room. Huh. It’s not like I said anything!

That last year on Gallopfrey influenced the rest of my life. TARDISes had been successfully grown, flown, and upgraded. The tried and true Type 40 was being drawn up already.

It was like an itch I couldn’t ignore, and it just grew and grew until it was an all-consuming urge. I couldn’t focus on my job, my hobbies, nothing. I fought it as best I could, I knew that it could cause more problems than I could think of, but ….

Finally, I just threw the pen down. “It’s one trip,” I muttered. “I’ll be careful. Besides, I’ll be right back.”

I crept down to where they stored the TARDISes, admiring the sliver cylinders. I picked one at random. The door wasn’t even locked! I walked in. The Console Room was set to “Basic,”’ but I wasn’t planning on staying long enough to redecorate.

I knew the basics well enough that I could fly a TARDIS, but if you want to get the best flight you can …

I looked around and cleared my throat. Can you hear me? To my surprise, the console chimed in response. I grinned. Awesome. I know you’ve got an index of all of space and time … I don’t want to mess with the past, anyway there’s not much past to mess with, but … I’m dying to see the future. Just to know what I can look forward to. Even if it’s a future, and not the future. I cleared my throat. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’d like to see …. Canterlot. Equestria, Equis …. Five years before Nightmare Moon’s return. Or wherever it is I need to go instead of where I want to go, I said with a grin. I understand that’s how it works sometimes.

A large switch on the console flipped itself and the TARDIS started up. There wasn’t the usual wheezing sound, but that’s because I hadn’t left the parking brake on. The room shuddered and swayed and suddenly stopped. I glanced at the door. We’re here? The TARDIS made the same “affirmative” chime. That was fast. The TARDIS seemed to radiate smugness. Yes, yes, you’re brilliant, I know! Thank you!

I stepped outside the door and glanced back. The door was hidden behind the flap of a purple tent with gold stars and a crescent moon on the top. Above the door were the words, “Madame Rosthberg, Fortunes Told.”

“A fortuneteller’s tent in the middle of the park,” I sighed. “Nice to know my way back is completely inconspicuous.” The TARDIS made a sound I’m pretty sure translated as laughter.

I stepped into the city, amazed at what I saw. Ponies of every shape, size, and color walked the streets, along with griffons, zebras, and even a minotaur. One of the guards tipped his hat at me and I waved back.

I stepped into the street and heard a horn blaring. I stepped back onto the sidewalk as a car raced past. I felt the bottom drop out of my world. “That’s a car,” I said, unsure if I’d seen correctly.

A ringing sound caught my attention, and I turned to watch a griffon speak into an earpiece. “Yes? What?! No, no, no! Don’t invest in them, they’ll be closed before the month’s out!” He continued his business rant as he walked past.

My jaw had dropped open. “That’s a griffon. On a cellphone. Via Bluetooth,” I said, feeling stupid.

I was so busy staring at the ways the city was different from what I’d seen in the show that I didn’t see the stallion until I’d crashed into him.

We were both knocked back onto our hindquarters, rubbing our heads. “I am so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention to …” My voice trailed off.

The stallion was staring at me in shock, and then in recognition. He was an earth pony, the same red as my hoof, with blue eyes and a brown mane. He was wearing a very familiar pair of glasses and had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. He grinned sheepishly. Well, this is hockward, he said in my voice.

That joke’s pretty untimely, I replied. I helped … me … up to his hooves. We circled each other.

“So that’s what my mane looks like from the back!” he said in amazement.

“You look like a teacher,” I said uncertainly.

“Spoilers,” he said with a grin.

I shook my head. “What are the odds I’d go time traveling and wind up crashing into myself?”

“You’d have to ask the TARDIS.”

“Mind if I ask what my current alias is?”

“Maroon Flask,” I replied. “It’s surprisingly workable as a pony name.”

I gestured at the city around us. “This is not what I was expecting! It’s … I don’t know…”

“Too modern?” future me said with a grin. “It was a surprise, but it’s not that bad in all honesty. Don’t try to change anything, I like things the way they are now. Just let things happen on their own. Anyway, we’ve reached the point in the conversation where I say you shouldn’t explore too much, so you should probably hop back into the TARDIS and head back. Interfering with the future, you know.”

“Of course I remember this conversation perfectly,” I said with an eye roll.

“Yeah, perfect memory isn’t as fun as it sounds. Best of luck. Be you in … oh, about five billion years. Have fun!”

“Couldn’t I just see a bit more?”

“NO. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

I sighed. “All right, all right. Try not to get hit by a car!”

“What’s it going to do, kill me?” he said with a grin.

I growled, “Still too soon.” I headed back to the TARDIS.

Nice to see I can still take a joke too far, I muttered as I headed in. Right, we’d better head ho-

The room shook again as the TARDIS took off again. At least let me finish the sentence!

When we landed the TARDIS shifted its internal gravity so that I would up falling out the door. What the-? HEY! Wooooaahhhh!!!

I landed facedown in snow. The door slammed shut behind me. I sat up, shivered, and saw that the Chameleon Circuit had turned the TARDIS exterior into a boulder that bore an uncanny resemblance to Tom. I tried to find the door but couldn’t. Open up! I only got silence.

Right, I take it there’s something here I’m supposed to see? A faint chime of “Yes.” Alrighty then.

I stepped out, shivered again, and conjured up a scarf. I was in a Time Lord body, and I liked it cold, but even I drew the line at “blizzard.”

I grumbled and tried and failed to see more than 3 feet in front of me. Point me, I snarled, casting a simple direction spell to see where I was supposed to go. A faint blue line appeared in front of me, stretching forward into the snow. I followed it, trying to keep my face from freezing.

I finally came to what looked like a city in a bubble. Oh, it’s the Crystal Empire. I hope they have hot chocolate. Bloody thing couldn’t have set me down inside the city?!

I was surprised to find the entry to the city wasn’t guarded. Huh. Guess they just let ponies walk in. Either that or I’ll be on the business end of several spears in a minute… I said wearily. I stepped through, the snow on my coat melting away instantly. I let out a blissful sigh at the sudden warmth. Only I could see it, but the “Point me” spell led further into the city and around a few side streets.

Not sure what to expect, I was surprised when it suddenly stopped. I was on a small hill overlooking a park. Well, “overlooking” wasn’t the right term, my view was blocked by bushes. “What I am supposed to see here?” I made sure my voice was normal.

I was startled by music, a synth song I hadn’t heard before. About a minute into the song, a voice said, “You still dance like the Prince!” before laughing hysterically.

“Oh yeah?” came the reply. “Let’s see you do better, your Highness.” After 30 seconds the second voice said, “Wow, I had no idea you could break dance. I’m impressed. Thanks. Would you excuse me?”

“What’s up?”

I know that voice, I thought, but why?

“An old friend of mine just dropped into town and I want to take him to lunch. I’ll be home in time for dinner.”

The voices parted ways. I parted the bushes to try and see who the amazing dancer was. All I got a glimpse of was a grey flank with a black tail. Darn it. I could have sworn I’d met that stallion somewhere. Probably saw him on the show. Maybe I should follow and-

I jumped as a voice said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, it would lead to all sorts of complications and possibly blow a hole in the universe. Time travel’s funny that way.”

I turned and saw Maroon Flask, grinning at me. “Hello gorgeous,” he said teasingly, “Listen, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!”

I tried to slow down my hearts. “I really don’t make any noise when I walk,” I muttered. I’d heard that my whole life, and it turned out to be true.

Maroon shrugged. “Sorry. Mind if we grab a burger? I seem to recall I hadn’t eaten that day…”

I nodded. He led me through the city to a diner that smelled amazing. Once we got to the counter, he quickly rattled off, “Two triple-bacon burgers and an order of garlic fries.”

We sat down in a booth and tore into our food. “Mmm, this is amazing!” I said around a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, ponies are surprisingly good at preparing meat in this universe. It’s not made from anything sapient,” Maroon said quickly. “You don’t have to worry about cupcakes made of pegasus, but pigs, chickens, and fish are all good sources of meat. Since they’re ponies it’s sustainably harvested and everything.”

“Who were you … who was I having a dance fight with?”

“Just someone I helped out,” Maroon said with a grin. “I refuse to spoil any more than that. We’re good friends, which will surprise me. Are you going to eat that?” I drew the plate back and hissed at him. “I just thought I should ask…”

As Maroon walked me back to the gate of the Empire he said, “So, not everything is the way that I expected it to turn out, but I give me my word that it turns out for the best. Oh. I need to learn to lie at some point. Just saying. Best of luck!”

I headed back to the TARDIS; pretty sure I’d left frozen chunks of my tail behind. Right, I growled, No more surprises. The TARDIS chimed in a way that seemed apologetic.

When the doors opened back up on Gallopfrey I was met by the President and three of the Citadel Guard, all of whom were glaring murderously at me. “Whoops.”

“YOU STOLE A TARDIS!!!” the President shouted, spit flying from his mouth.

“Borrowed, borrowed a TARDIS, which I immediately brought back! I didn’t change anything, I just watched!”

The President jabbed a hoof into my chest. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE KIND OF REPERCUSSIONS YOU COULD HAVE CAUSED?!!! YOU COULD HAVE ALTERED THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM!!!” He sighed, somehow calming himself down instantly. “As soon as you left, I checked, and by some inane miracle, you didn’t alter the future.”

“Inane miracles are sort of what I do,” I said apologetically.

“Silence,” he hissed. I quickly shut up. “I will be reporting your activities to the Council, to the Oracle, and to the Guard. You will not be allowed within 40 feet of a TARDIS until I deem it safe for you to travel. But before anyone else chews you out…” he passed me a scroll and pen. “I want a detailed report of everything you saw. Congratulations, you’re the first of us to travel so far into the future. Keep in mind that doesn’t mean you’re in any less trouble… I’ll. Be. Watching.”

I nodded, took the pen, and headed to the temple to begin my homework. I sighed. “Well, I’m grounded for the next year. Totally worth it,” I said with a happy grin.

"You're next of kin to Chaos..."

View Online

There are two versions of why I left Gallopfrey a year later, and both are true. In one version, I had seen life was slowly beginning to flourish in the rest of the universe, I knew the Time Lords didn’t need me holding their hooves anymore, and I wanted to create my “final project.” In the other version, the Time Lords politely kicked me off the planet before I caused any more trouble. Like I said, two sides, same story.

In the end, it didn’t really matter, and I wasn’t upset enough to hold a grudge. I moved on to finally making Equestria proper.

I found a quiet spot in a medium-sized spiral galaxy and decided that this was as good a place as any. Creating planets was easier now, things do improve with practice. The basic foundation only took a day, before I added a small moon and sun that orbited the planet a bit like 2 electrons. The orbit was complicated, but stable, I couldn’t figure out why the Princesses had been required to raise the sun and moon in the show, here they happened automatically.

I added oceans and shaped continents. The next day I was filling the planet with basic life; fish, ferns, etc. when I felt a huge sneeze welling up, which was unusual because I didn’t have a body at that moment. I sneezed loudly enough to shake the planet and heard a cracking sound. I watched in a mix of fascination and alarm as time on the planet sped up. Like watching a time lapse video, life evolved on its own at an astonishing speed, culminating in various species of giant lizards that roamed the land, sky, and sea. The temporal stress finally caught up, and all of them collapsed into piles of bones which were buried under layers of earth and rock. All of this happened in less than an hour. So … if you ever want to know what killed off the dinosaurs, … I did. By sneezing hard enough to fracture time.

Whoops…

Luckily that was the only effect, 100 million years squeezed into an hour. It was only on Equis, so it could have been worse. The planet could have cracked in half or something.

I sighed and got back to work. I was able to recall the maps of Equis I’d seen on the internet and decided to just stick with it. Mostly. I was already plagiarizing. The maps I’d seen were pretty basic, and I’d heard references to real-world countries in fanfictions, so I added a few more continents in the right places and hoped for the best. It had gotten me through so far.

Once the land and seas were done, I moved onto life. To made it made more sense to start with basic life such as plants, then move on to non-sapient animals, and finally sapient, dominate species. There was a lot of life on Equis, more than on Gallopfrey, that’s for sure. Plants weren’t too hard, and common animals were OK, since most of them were based on Earth animals. Spiders were fine, but Flyders? No. Way. Next were fantastic beasts and monsters. I’d loved mythology since I was about 9, so creating a world that had almost all the beasts I’d loved was exciting. Finally, I created the staggering number of sapient species.

OK … I had a mental checklist, but I was pretty sure I’d forgotten things. In no particular order … Yaks, Minotaurs, Breezies, Zebras, Ahuizotls, Centaurs, Gargoyles, Chimeras, Gryphons, Catfolk, Kirins, Houndfolk, Jackalfolk, Seaponies, Hippogryphs, Dragons, Deer, Buffalo, … I think that’s it… Maybe goats?

I knew I hadn’t made Draconequui since I wasn’t sure of Discord’s origins yet, I was saving Windigos for only if I had to use them, and while I hadn’t directly created Changelings, I’d planted a tree they would spring from, like in the MLP comics. I also hadn’t made cows sapient, since that was a little weird to me. I still saw them as food, if I’m honest. I sat back and looked at the planet and all the work I’d put into it. I’d done it! I’d created Equis!

AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY, HE RETURNED TO HIS CASTLE AND COLLAPSED IN EXHAUSTION.

I wanted to explore every aspect of the new world I created, but … it would need to have existed for more than a week. I figured 50 years should give everybody enough time to figure out their places, and hopefully not be eaten. After ten I peeked. My creations were not faring well. I sighed and located the largest gathering of ponies, since they were the most numerous species.

I manifested in a beam of light appearing as a spider pony on a whim to set me apart from everypony else and passed them a burning torch. In Truly Ancient Ponish, I said, Look, I’m probably going to get in trouble for this, but this is a truly useful tool. Don’t let the wolves eat you, and don’t eat your meat raw anymore. Here’s how you make it, I said, demonstrating how to make fire out of rocks, do you see how it works? They nodded. Here, let me show you how to cook and flavor meat and vegetables…

I spent twenty years with the tribe, showing them the basics of civilization: how to cook, primitive medicine, how to write, making homes out of mud and straw, the wheel, making basic laws, bartering, making basic tools, the basics of farming, all of it. Once they’d stopped hitting each other over the head with rocks, I moved on to the rest of the races, appearing to each of them as a member of their species. More or less. I will admit a prejudice to favoring ponies, but I wanted ALL of my “Children” to succeed. Within 150 years Equis was out of the Stone Age into the Bronze Age.

Alexis manifested on my shoulder. “Has anybody EVER told you that patience is a virtue?”

I didn’t want them to die! I grumbled. Anyway, since you’re my conscience, you should know I can’t not interfere.

Alexis sighed wearily. “At this rate they’ll have Starships in a hundred years…”

“That’d be awesome!” said Apep with an excited grin. Alexis shot him a dirty look.

Just out of curiosity … what happened to my old conscience? The goth kid with the yellow eyes. I liked him.

“He’s probably on a beach somewhere,” Alexis said with a shrug.

“You don’t like us?” Apep said giving me brokenhearted puppy-dog eyes.

I’m getting used to you, which for me means “Yes.” Apep did a victory fist-pump. Oy, vey, you two are worse than I am!

Although I’d technically kickstarted civilization, there hadn’t been too much genuine interaction with the races of Equis. Language hadn’t really been developed yet, when I spoke, they understood the meaning, not the words. It had mostly been me showing them how to do things.

The first conversation I had that stood out to me took place about 900 years later in what would come to be known as Ancient Anugypt. I was watching the Pyramids being built. Here, they magically levitated the stones into place, although it took a minimum of seven casters per stone. I was disguised as a grey Catfolk. I’m a cat person, it was made for me.

I wandered the streets until I came to a dusty temple with various creatures entering and exiting. Over the door was a depiction of a black spider. With a feeling of Déjà vu and Réjà vu (from Discworld, literally means “I am going to be here again.” Normally experienced in the case of temporal loops.) I entered the temple. A lower priest held out a small box and said, “A small contribution is appreciated.” I placed a few coins in the box. He looked in. “Not that small,” he growled. Never tick off an anthropomorphic jackal if you look like one of their enemies.

“Sorry,” I said, placing the rest of my money in. “Don’t we pay taxes to keep the temples in business?”

He sighed wearily. “We’re not a full theocracy, and have you ever tried to get funds out of a government?”

“I’ve heard it’s a nightmare.”

“You have no idea.”

“Whose temple is this?” Yep, definite déjà vu.

“The Weaver,” he replied smoothly. “The great Spider who wove the universe together. In the Beginning he fashioned the thread of creation from his own mind and created an intricate Web binding all things together. Each of us are connected one to the other by the strands of the Web. He once appeared to the Ponyfolk as a cross between them and his true form and gave them the secrets of civilization before giving them to the rest of the creatures of this world.”

He pulled me further into the temple and there was a polished black stone statue of a giant spider hovering over the world protectively. The map of the known world was very accurate, for the amount of information available then, it was even a globe! The end of the right foremost leg was a cherry red. I quickly hid my paw.

“Is the Weaver … benevolent? Malevolent?”

“Mostly benevolent, as far as we can tell.”

“That’s good.” Huh. So, they see me as a giant spider. I guess it could be worse. They could see me as a Gibbering Mouther or something, I thought, shuddering at the image. Funny how the things you love can scar you …

I asked, “Could I pay for this statue? Not to take it home with me, just to reimburse the cost. It’s good workmanship, I might commission something from the artist, if you can give me their name.”

The priest raised a skeptic eyebrow. “You didn’t want to donate more than ₻3, and you’re somehow able to pay for 2 statues from the kingdom’s finest artist?”

“Money isn’t that much of a problem, I just don’t carry it around with me very often.”

He gave a snort. “Velaz, in the stonemason’s guild. He’s the current Master, we were lucky to get something from him. You are … very strange…”

“So I’ve been told. Thank you.”

True to my word, the next day I dropped by the temple again to pay them for the cost of the statue. I nearly fainted when I got the papyrus with the cost, but payed anyway. I was curious to see what other work Velaz did, so I dropped by his workshop. Even with being able to make it rain money I didn’t want to pay quite that much for a statue, but, luckily, he had small lower quality amulets that were more reasonably priced. I got an amulet with the image of the Weaver said to protect the wearer from evil.

I appeared in the middle of the desert and sighed, holding up the amulet. I’m not comfortable with being seen like this, I muttered, I’m not what they think I am! I mean … strange voices inhabiting Voids distributing superpowers is no basis for a claim to Godhood. Genuine Supreme Power has to be granted by a God to a mortal who’s earned it, not some out of body encounter! If I went around saying, “I AM YOUR GOD, BOW TO ME!” just because some smug hallucination bumped my stats up, they’d turn me back into a human!

The wind whipped up around me, and there was the sound of laughter. ‘Smug hallucination,’ eh? You’re lucky I like you, or I might be offended. I could turn you back into a human, life and death aren’t static, but I’m enjoying this too much.

I glanced all around to find the source of the voice, but there was only the sky, wind, and sand. Where are you?

Everywhere. I could hear the shrug in the tone of voice.

Who are you?

That’s mine to know and yours to find out. Best of luck! I’m going to need some more popcorn… You’re very … amewsing … I could picture the sadistic grin of joy that only comes from a bad pun. You’re going to be clawsome, kitten. Trust me, I know…

Whatever it was, it was gone again, but … I felt strangely comforted.

I sighed and went back to wandering the world.

43 years later I walked into my Castle and slammed the door closed. I was covered in something that looked like thick ink and breathing heavily. I dropped something to the floor, where it clattered metallically. I gave a demented laugh. I knew I forgot something … God, they were worse than I could have imagined …

In my other hand I was holding a large can. You are NEVER getting out of there, I snarled at it. I’m putting you somewhere where no one will ever find you, and where there’s nothing you could use as food. You’re not going in some temple for an adventurer to find in a thousand years. … You’re going to STARVE!!! I screamed.

Once I’d made sure it was safely locked away, Alexis and Apep popped onto my shoulders, looking nervous.

“You OK, boss?” Apep asked.

I’M GREAT! WHY WOULDN’T I BE?!!!

“Because you just k-”

“Shut up!” Alexis hissed. He looked at me. “You did what you had to do,” he said softly.

Oh, that makes it so much better. If you use the words “greater good,” I will swat you.

“You can’t undo it, so try to make peace with yourself.”

“What he said,” Apep said. “You didn’t listen to me too much, so that’s good. What?” he said, catching Alexis’s expression, “He’d have gone too far.”

I need a shower. Preferably starting at my marrow and working out.

It took me almost three years to stop having nightmares.

One day I was wandering the largest city in what would become Equestria when I saw a large gathering of ponies. It was before dawn. Everypony was chattering excitedly. On a large stage in the center of town was a group of 7 unicorns. Their horns suddenly lit up and to my shock the sun raised. I hadn’t been paying attention to the sun and moon’s orbit. When I inquired later, unicorns had been raising the sun and the moon for about ten years. The assembled ponies cheered wildly.

My mouth practically opened itself as I said, “Uh … you do know the sun and moon can raise themselves, right?”

The crowd went deathly silent as they all swiveled around to look at me. Finally, a pony near the back shouted. “Blasphemy!”

“Heretic!” shouted a mare.

Oh, for my sake, I muttered, disappearing quickly.

Safe in the desert, I grumbled, You keep forcing the sun and moon up every day, soon they won’t be able to raise themselves, and you’ll have to do it forever. But if that allows you to keep your image as the Master Race, don’t let me stop you. I just created them. Jerks.

I sighed. Guess we’ll need some Alicorns in a couple of centuries…

I was a market in pre-Equestria. Ponies were trading, but …

“Stay away from my daughter, Dirt Pony!” A pegasus snapped.

“I wasn’t anywhere near her, Featherfur!” the earth pony replied.

I sighed. Ah, racism. How I haven’t missed you, I thought wearily. The Three Tribes all distrusted each other at best, with each claiming that the other two were hogging the best of what they had for themselves. I was trying to buy ingredients for one of my favorite soups. I’d made the mistake of looking like a Zebra. Ponies and Zebras weren’t used to each other, which at this point in history meant they loathed me on sight. I’d been to six stalls looking for onions, and they were mysteriously out, or didn’t serve my kind at that stall.

I was getting ready to break. It wouldn’t take much. The unicorn running the vegetable stall I was trying glared at me. “Do you even have magic? You aren’t an Equestrian.”

My teeth were hurting from grinding together so much. “Yes, just a different kind. What on Equis does that have to do with buying potatoes?”

“What are you planning to do with them?”

“Make soup. What are you expecting me to do with potatoes, witchcraft?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” he said distrustfully. “That’ll be 25 klek.”

“Twenty-five?!! That’s highway robbery!”

“You’re right,” he said with a nasty grin. “Forty.”

It took all of what little self-control I had to not blow his stall to Kingdom Come and place a hex on his entire posterity. “Done,” I said, giving him the money. “Thank you.”

As I was heading out of the market, an earth pony snarled at a unicorn, “Get out of my face you spell-slinger!”

THAT’S IT!!!! I screamed, thunder rumbling and lightning flashing. If I have to turn each and every one of you into ice pops to get your heads out of your butts so be it! I hoped you packed your mittens kids! WINTER IS COMING! I cackled before running away.

The assembled ponies stared at each other in confusion.

I visited the Frozen North and … well … I’d been saving Windigos for if I had to use them, but I’d figured I might have at some point. They were basically my misanthropy given not-quite-physical form. They fed on hate, so there was less hate in the world if they ate it, and they could only be free to run rampart if the three tribes collectively hated each other. Single ponies or groups weren’t enough to free them.

Fly my minions!!! I said in my best wicked witch voice. They scattered to feed and to freeze.

“You do know you just doomed the entire planet, right?” Alexis asked.

Only until they realize they’re all the same species and that other species aren’t monsters either, I grumbled. If it gets too out of hand, I’ll just undo it. Frankly they need this.

“And if they don’t put aside their differences, invent Hearths’ Warming, and found Equestria?”

Then this whole thing will have been a flop and I will likely end up being a celestial file-clerk for the next few quadrillion years. I dread to think what They do if you fail your first universe.

“‘They,’ capital T, huh? I can’t picture Them doing anything too horrific to you,” Alexis said encouragingly.

“You know, Dante’s Inferno type stuff,” Apep said lazily, floating on his back with his paws behind his head. “You did just cause an event that could potentially cause ponies to freeze and/or starve to death in a perma-blizzard just to “Get their heads out of their butts”,” he said in a perfect impression of me. “I’d hate to have that on my conscience. Luckily, I’m the Other One,” he said with a nasty grin at Alexis.

It honestly worries me when you two agree, and it happens fairly often. The duo shrugged.

Apep looked thoughtful. “Anyway, this only deals with racism in Equestria, one soon-to-be nation. How are you going to ‘fix’ it for the rest of the world?” he asked witheringly, finger-quoting the word fix. “Plagues of locusts? Oceans of blood? Disney Channel original movies?” he snarled, his fur bristling.

“I don’t think things are that dire,” Alexis said mildly. “The rest of the world is better for some reason.”

“Hmph,” Apep grumbled.

I sighed. You’re right. I screwed up. … But … I think this is the only way.

“You don’t need any more lives on your hooves,” Alexis said.

“Or paws, or whatever,” Apep put in.

Right. Well … All I can now do is watch and see how bad it gets.

It took months for the three tribes of ponies to come together. By “come together,” I mean they sent representatives to scream at each other. It was actually lucky that the Windigos got them, or there might have been all-out war. I hadn’t expected the representatives to be as bad as they were. Yes, I spied on the whole affair as a shadow in the cave or on the wall. I wasn’t going to let something this big go unobserved. The first Hearth’s Warming was honestly beautiful.

By one of those inane miracles that kept cropping up for reasons I didn’t know, no one actually died in the blizzard. It had only lasted for three months, but still. That had been incredibly lucky. Crops were destroyed, but the pegasi shared their food stores with the other races, and unicorns cast spells to speed up the production of crops.

There was peace and Harmony in the land at last. Life was good for all creatures in the new nation of Equestria.

Too good, after a while.

With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff. He looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. He walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.

In the shadows at the bottom of the canyon, Grogar dusted himself off. “Ingrates. I add a little strife and darkness to their lives to toughen them up, and all they do is complain. I wonder how history will regard me. ‘Father of Monsters’ has a nice ring to it. Shame about the Bell, though. … Well, I’m sure someone will find a use for it.” He grinned wickedly. “After all, evil artifacts are half the fun of any game…” Grogar dissolved into shadows, and then faded into legend.

Grogar the Terrible’s three-year reign was regarded as one of the worst periods in Equestrian history. Under his rule, darkness covered the land and monsters roamed freely. I’d never seen my little ponies as united as when they overthrew him. That act firmly cemented the three tribes’ unity. Before Grogar, there had been so much peace and prosperity that ponies had become slothful and arrogant. With something to strive against, they found that they were stronger than they had thought. They found that each of them had something to contribute to each other.

After Grogar, the good times returned, but without the problems of too much prosperity. It was … gratifying. Now that Equestria was safely ticking along, I decided to travel the rest of the world and see ~~what trouble I could get into~~ how I could help there.

I’d had an almost supernatural talent for being in the right place at the right time when I was alive, but now … It was like I was somehow drawn to where I needed to be. I’d feel a gentle tugging in my mind … or in my soul, possibly, that told me where to teleport to when. It wasn’t anything bad, and it had come in handy. Or hoofy, whatever the word was.

This time, I was in the Amanezon jungle, staring at a pyramid temple surrounded by a large village. I was invisible, I usually was until I figured out why I was here. Do people build temples to touch the sky? I mused quietly. No one could hear me.

A feeling of “Get to the second-to-top floor NOW” practically screamed in me. I quickly went in.

To my shock and growing horror, there was a panicking grey earth pony stallion tied to a sacrificial table. A priest wearing a feathered headdress was saying, “Be calm, your soul shall be with the Weaver, and your power shall add to our own. Truly better than the life you were living.”

He raised the knife. It quickly plunged in, blood spurting out. I covered my mouth in horror at what I’d just witnessed. I would never be able to forget it, either.

Oh … my god. He’d just KILLED someone in MY name.

The priest turned to one of his assistants. “Get rid of it,” he said quietly.

Not, “Give him a funeral.” Not even, “Dispose of his body.” Get. Rid. Of. IT.

As the assistants began their work, they were surprised to find the earth shaking. The priest grinned. “The Weaver is pleased with our offering today.”

Outside the temple, the villagers were shocked to see a storm with red lightning appear out of nowhere as the ground shook violently Funnily enough, the only thing the lightning struck was the temple.

The high priest headed into his chambers, removing his headdress and placing it on a pedestal. He heard a slight skittering sound overhead and looked up. He didn’t even have time to scream before the spider three times his size sprang and started to bind him. It left his head free before it attached him, upside-down, to the ceiling and clambered down the wall onto the floor, glaring at him malevolently.

“HELP!!! HELP!!!!” he screamed.

I locked the door and put up a silencing charm, I said, gnashing my chelicera angrily. It’s just you and me. I walked over to him and glared with four of my eyes, my back legs twitching slightly.

“You – you can talk?” he asked in shock.

Don’t you recognize your god? I said mockingly, holding up the claws on my foremost right leg. They were a cherry red.

“Y-you’re the Weaver?” he croaked.

I am. I’m here to break a social rule and discuss religion. Namely the mockery of religion you’ve set up in my name.

“But, I-”

SILENCE!!! I bellowed, my voice shaking the room. I have never, ever asked for sacrifice. For you to sacrifice your fellow creatures to me is an abomination. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to untie you and let you go. You are going to visit every temple in your nation and tell them to stop the sacrifice of any living thing to me. You are going to tell them that if they want to worship me, the best way is to do good deeds to help others. Understand? He nodded. Good. When I untie you, you should probably run.

“Why?”

Because in 136 seconds, this temple isn’t going to be here, and I’d hate for you to B̸̹̩̋͂͌Ř̵̝̚Ȩ̸̙͍̽̕͝A̷̧̤͛K̵͈͍̯̓̊̕ ̸͙̊̅̓Ỵ̷͚͂͌O̸̱̽̿Ǘ̷̡͎͑͠R̵̩̃ ̸̭͐N̷̜͆É̷̛͖͘Ç̷̓K̸͈͇̏ in the fall. Pray to anyone who will listen that we do not meet again.

I untied him. He ran faster than I’d seen anyone who wasn’t an Olympian athlete run.

I crawled to a large cage built into the wall of another room on this floor. Inside it were an earth pony, a unicorn, and a pegasus. They’d cut the horn off the unicorn and the wings off the pegasus to prevent escape. The three screamed when they saw me, which was fair, I was a bloody giant spider.

I’m here to rescue you, I said, pulling the bars off the cage. They were shocked to see the unicorn regrow his horn and the pegasus regrow his wings. Stay close to me, only one of you can fly. They exchanged a confused look and quickly followed as the temple began to shake uncontrollably.

One last hellish bolt of lightning that looked like an upside-down volcano eruption hit the temple, and the entire structure turned into salt and spiders, starting at the top and working its way down. The villagers and the priests who’d all made it out were shocked to see a giant spider protectively cradling three ponies in the center of the mess.

I clicked my mouth. An image of a red right hoofprint made of light and the hieroglyphics for “Be Kind,” appeared in the air above where the temple had stood, looking like angry Northern Lights. They’d remain there for a week.

Where do you live? I asked.

“The village two day’s walk south of here,” the earth pony replied, looking mildly stunned.
Good, I know it. Follow me guys! I said to the three ponies and the thousands of spiders surrounding us.

I walked the whole with through the jungle with them to safely deliver them home. The spiders followed us, scattering off into the jungle in small groups. At one point just for fun, I did a synchronized dance with the other spiders.

After most creatures picturing me as a giant spider, and the incident where “god” in the guise of a giant spider freed three ponies, spiders wound up becoming my sacred animal. Those three ponies certainly spread the tale far and wide.

I didn’t mind spiders anymore, but now that I’d accepted them as a symbol, the little varmints would flock to me, asking for hugz and saying they bringed me a fly. Could have been worse.

I was just hanging out in a small city, watching a blacksmith busy at work. He’d asked if I wanted to buy anything, I told him no, but decided to pay him just to watch. It was honestly sort of hypnotic.

My ear swiveled as I heard a familiar wheezing groan. “What kind of idiot flies a TARDIS with the parking brake on?!” I muttered.

If I’d been drinking something, I would have done a spit-take when Doctor Hooves trotted in front of me. He glanced at me and his eyes traveled to my right forehoof. “Great whickering stallions!” he exclaimed. He rushed over. “It’s so nice to-”

I put a finger to his lips. “It’s obvious that you know me, but from my perspective I’ve never met you before, Lord of Time.”

The Doctor chuckled. “Oh. Right. I forget you do things in the right order.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry about that, random stranger!”

“That might be overdoing it. … Are we … friends? In my future.”

He thought about it, then nodded.

I smiled. “That’s good to know. I look forward to getting to know you properly.”

The Doctor stuck his tongue out, tasting the local time. “Well, you’ve got a long wait.”

“That’s fine, I can-” My eyes widened in horror as I spotted something behind him. “Would you mind slowly turning around, and not blinking? No matter what you do?”

He turned around, “Why what-?” He stared at the statue of a pegasus that was bearing its fangs at him.

I grabbed a hammer from the blacksmith and ignored his objections. I walked over to the Angel. I think you have a hivemind, so take a memo from me. I swung the hammer over its head and hit it with all my strength. The statue shattered, before it crumbled to dust.

The Doctor stared in shock. “It was quantum locked! That should have broken the hammer. Or shattered the planet.”

“I have anger issues,” I said, swinging the hammer over my wither. “Going clubbing helps, but the people around me tend to get hammered.” The Doctor winced at the horrible puns. “I KNOW I didn’t create those things. I guess I’ll have to make a grand tour of the universe and hunt them down. Or, you know, snap my fingers…” I sighed with an eye roll. “Really prefer not to do that, but there is no way I am letting Weeping Angels loose in my universe,” I said. I passed the blacksmith his hammer. “Thanks. Sorry. Do I need to replace it?”

His mouth was hanging open and he shook his head wordlessly after inspecting it. “G’day then. Do you want to meet up later?” I asked the Doctor.

He smiled. “Much later, but you’ll run into me from time to time. We won’t meet for the first time for several times. Best of luck!” He headed back to his TARDIS.

I chuckled. I then grabbed the blacksmith’s face and squealed, “HE’S REAL!!!”, fanboying out of my mind.

The blacksmith wondered if he should call the police, before I disappeared. He stared at the hammer in his hoof in shock. “That’s the last time I mix cider and carrot juice before bed,” he said, hanging a “Closed” sign on his door before he went home and had a nervous collapse.

After a few years I noticed the ponies were starting to get fat and lazy again. The world was a little too perfect. Too sunny. Too cheerful. Too bland.

I sighed. Welp. Only one thing for this, I guess…

I headed back to my demiplane and tried to remember how I’d made it. Most of it had been unconsciously, but …

I found a good spot for another dimension, and created a seething, boiling soup of pure chaos. Nothing was stable here. Nothing was expected. I wasn’t sure what to do next, until I had a brilliant, horrible idea.

I pulled my soul out of my body. I was disappointed it looked human, if I’m going to be honest. I glanced at its hands. I reached out and broke off its right hand.

I then let out an unholy screech of pain that curdled the air around me before I fell down and wound up in the fetal position, whimpering.

When I could talk again, I screamed, HOW THE [redacted] DID [redacted] VOLDEMORT [redacted] DO THAT, SIX [redacted] TIMES?!!!!

“In fairness a Horcrux is a little more refined then what you just did,” Alexis said.

I glanced at my soul. That should heal. In a few years, I muttered. I pulled the rest of my soul into my body and stared at the fragment I was holding.

I held it out to the air around it, and magically pulled pure chaos magic into it. I concentrated and a body formed around the soul fragment, as it stretched and grew to fit.

When I was done, a long, furry, noodle-shaped body was hovering in the air in front of me. It cracked open a pair of yellow and red eyes. He looked at his hands in wonder as he turned them over, wondering why they didn’t match.

“Wh-” His voice was hoarse; he hadn’t used it before. He licked his lips with a long, forked tongue and tried again. “What am I?”

You are Discord. A powerful Spirit and the embodiment of Chaos itself.

“What are you?”

My mind raced with answers, before I laughed and said, I guess … I guess I’m your father.

Discord held out his eagle’s talons as an offer to shake my hand. As I did, a loud farting sound came out from my hand. Discord chuckled and held out his talons to reveal he’d summoned up a whoopie cushion.

I laughed too. That’s my boy!

"That must have been one heck of a year..."

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Content Warning: Teenage Discord gets "The Talk," but nothing explicit is discussed. Also, all cannon characters are horrifically OOC.
Enjoy!

“Can we go somewhere today?” Discord pleaded.

You just have to stay a few more days, and then we can go anywhere, you pick! I replied, writing as I spoke.

“But why can’t I leave the house?”

You can leave the house, just not the dimension. You can shape the dimension in any way you want, so, you could create an outside to tide you over. The reason you need to stay here is that you were created here, and you need to absorb the energy from this place. This is the most chaotic place in the universe, you need to soak up the chaos so you can use it. You’ll also have to return here periodically when you grow older, about once every 50-100 years, just for a day.

“But why?”

You’re mostly made of magic, if you don’t soak up chaos magic on a regular long-term basis, you’ll fade away. I know it doesn’t seem fair now, but once we’re outside, you’ll see.

Discord had formed as a young adult, with a full vocabulary, but he still had a very childlike way of seeing the world. That’s dangerous when you look like a kid, if you look grown, and if you look like a monster…. I was worried that’s what ponies would see him as. He had so much potential, for good or for ill.

He looked slightly different than on the show. His mane and eyebrows were black, and his eyebrows were less bushy. He was missing his goatee; it hadn’t grown in yet. If I had to guess, I’d say he looked about eighteen.

A demigod (I didn’t know what other term to use) who had unspeakable power at his fingertips and didn’t understand the basics of the world around him was a time bomb. I was hoping I could prepare him for whatever came. I knew that on the show Discord was a bit of a raging narcissist, but I think it was because he was really very insecure. I’d be damned if my son hated himself. Although it would also be better if he saw “mortals” as more than playthings. It was going to be an interesting road ahead.

“I’m bored!” Discord whined pitifully.

I sighed and closed my journal. What do you want to do?

“Anything but just float around!”

I nodded and pulled a piano out of thin air. Right! I’m going to teach you how to play piano!

“Why piano?”

I shrugged. Because once you master the basics, you can then recombine them into ever new and exciting forms. You can play the same song thousands of different ways, and even turn pure chaos into music. … Not that I’ve gotten that far. I can play, but I’m not exactly a concert pianist or a composer. I have a feeling you’re going to quickly outpace me, I deadpanned. I grinned wickedly. We can start with that, or with knitting …

“Piano’s fine!” Discord said.

I chuckled. Someday I’ll teach you the stallionly art of knitting! And it will be glorious! But … for now…

I was only half surprised when Discord picked up the piano supernaturally quickly. By the end of a lengthy afternoon he was plunking out basic pieces, although I’d never heard “Hot Cross Buns” played on the piano sound so metal.

Discord sighed. “That was amusing, but it’s so … orderly. It’s all math,” he said glumly.

Math can be … satisfying…

Discord snorted. “But it can never be chaotic. Not unless somehow things change enough for two plus two to equal fish,” he said, fish raining down in the room before disappearing.

Nicely done! I complimented.

He grinned eagerly, drinking up the praise.

Does something have to be chaotic to be worthy of your attention?

He stared at me in confusion. “I am chaos, you said so yourself!”

Yes, you are. But that doesn’t have to be all that you are.

“I don’t understand,” he said, looking at me in confusion.

No. One day, I hope. You’re still young, I forget that. I hummed quietly as I thought. Would you like to watch a movie?

“Can it be about humans?” Discord asked with a grin.

I don’t have any other kind. Well … I do, but… I chuckled. Yes.

True to my word, Discord was soon able to leave the house in the Chaos Realm. He glanced back at it. Like I said, that place is yours to do with what you will. Maybe if you redesign it, you could even live there.

“Maybe,” Discord replied. “Could I live with you while I figure things out?”

I beamed. I’d be flattered! I’ll make up a room for you to decorate any way you want. I’ve got a lot I’ll think you’ll enjoy. When or if you come back here, you could always make your very own Chaosville, I said with a grin. It could be amazing. Keep in mind that if you reach 2,500 and you’re still living in my basement, I’m kicking you out into the harsh, unforgiving world…

Joke, I said, noticing Discord’s expression. I’ll explain it.

I’d never really considered what I’d be like as a parent before. Discord didn’t change much physically, but his mind grew sharper and more cunning every month. He had a fascination with humans, I’m not sure why. Perhaps because I used to be one, or just the novelty of another universe.

Having someone else hanging around my castle was nice, and Discord certainly made things never dull…

“What are you writing?” he asked, peering over my shoulder.

It’s my journal, I said as I held it up. I write about my day, my thoughts & feelings, what I hope to accomplish … and you, I said with a grin. I’ve got notes on how much you’re progressing and how proud I am of you.

“Really?” Discord swiped my journal and squinted at it. “What alien language is this?!”

I sighed. It’s cursive, smart mouth. I’d been very surprised. On the show, Ponish looked like either a set of wavy lines, or a strange cross of English and Russian. Here, it was just written as English. A small section of the journal was in Circular Gallopfreyan for practice, but the majority was in English or Ponish, depending on your native language. Do you mind pawing that back? Most of it is private, I said in a growl.

“Sure,” Discord said casually. “If you want to be private, who am I to stop you?”

I sighed.

One afternoon Discord was in a slump. Anything I can do? He shook his head, barely lifting his neck. We could knit. Or watch a movie. Or travel somewhere in the universe!

“No,” Discord said.

Well, there’s only one thing for it. I conjured up something thin and rectangular and passed it under Discord’s nose a few times.

He sniffed and licked his lips. “What is that?”

Chocolate. Otherwise known as the food of the gods. They’re barely inventing it in South Mareica, but after a while, it will be this good. I broke off a sizeable chunk. Try it. It’s pretty good for bad moods. It’s also Dementor repellant, so you can’t beat that!

Discord bit into the chocolate bar. Stars literally appeared in his eyes as he broke into a huge grin. “THIS IS AMAZING!” he shouted, his voice echoing through the halls.

I nodded. Chocolate is a wonderful, wonderful thing! You can even have chocolate milk.

“Chocolate milk is a thing?!!” Discord asked in amazement.

Yep! I pulled a glass of chocolate milk out of thin air and passed it to him. He quickly drained it. He then bit down on the glass. I still winced when he did that, even though I knew I wouldn’t have to rush him to the hospital or anything.

“WOW!” Discord shouted.

I chuckled. You’re never having milk the regular way again, are you? Discord shook his head. Well, that’s not very healthy … but … you should be fine. You’re not exactly normal.

“Thank chaos,” Discord muttered.

Amen.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, why is your paw, hand, or hoof always red?”

I chuckled again. It’s from a song back on earth.

“What song?”

I grinned and the song started playing. I sang along, enjoying myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxkUK3SQlWI

Because of that song, there’s a Trope called “Red Right Hand,” where some evil characters have some sort of physical deformity that serves as a “tell” their nature. So … whoever or whatever brought me here back at the beginning of time knew that trope, knew that I knew that trope, and knew that I would find it funny. It’s annoying that there’s nothing I can do about it. Not even glamour spells work, I huffed, scratching at my right paws. Still, it’s probably handy for others to have a way to always recognize me.

“Did you palm that joke out of a second-hand joke book?” Discord said with a sharp-toothed grin.

Well, you nailed that one. If you got my sense of humor, you’ll probably be a knucklehead. Not a lot of people like puns, so they might stay outside a certain radius of you, just to keep a certain distal away from the fallout.

Discord clapped his paw and talons over his ears. “That’s enough puns for now!” he shouted.

Sorry, I always overdo it.

When Discord was 14, he came into the O&O room to find me feeding Chester. “I’ve never known; what’s this room for?”

A game I love that hasn’t been invented yet. It’s going to be very popular with the geeks of the world. I hope, anyway. I snapped my fingers as I remembered something. I have something to show you actually! I think you’ll like it. I took the Dash action and grabbed the exquisitely painted miniature of Discord as Captain Wuzz that had appeared with the room. I held it in my hooves to surprise Discord.

“Forget it!” Discord scoffed. He turned and walked out of the room. “I’m too awesome to play some nerdy pony game.”

I looked at the figurine and felt my heart break a bit. I snarled, and said, Someday, Discord … Someday you and I will be adventuring companions in the greatest game known to geekdom, and when you least expect it … I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Around a mouthful of food, Chester said, “You know, you should have more of an audience for these dramatic proclamations of yours.”

I sighed. Shut up and eat your sushi…

One day as I was happily making an afghan, Discord came into my room with a puzzled expression. “Uh, … Dad?”

Yes?

“Where do babies come from?”

Ajfesak.

“What?”

I cleared my throat. Sorry. I haven’t been looking forward to this. Let’s head to the living room. Once Discord was comfortably seated and I was very uncomfortably standing I said, … There are … other … uh, pairings we’ll discuss, but if you specifically want a baby… I squirmed slightly. Sorry, I don’t enjoy talking about this. Anyway, when a mare and a stallion decide they want to have a child…

…

And that’s the miracle of childbirth, I said, concluding the PowerPoint I’d put together. “Be Prepared,” right?

Discord had his hands folded in his lap, and was a bit aroused, but wasn’t acting on it. He looked very thoughtful. “How do two stallions, uh…”

I sighed. Well, the stallions both have a prostate, which is kind of, uh, … sensitive, although there are other… I facepalmed. I did NOT want to do this, but I owed him “The Talk,” in all its completeness. I inhaled deeply. Do you mind if I sit down?

I managed to tell Discord how two stallions had sex, and I answered his questions on how two mares would have sex, although I told him I only knew the basics of that, and he should probably ask someone else for a more complete answer.

I sighed. I glanced at him. Just out of curiosity as your father, who are you attracted to? Mares? Stallions? Both?

Discord thought about it. “Yes…?” he said uncertainly. “Does it even matter if they’re a mare or a stallion? Or both? Or neither? As long as I like them and they like me, and are willing, I don’t really care what bits they’ve got.”

Ah. Well, I can’t force a label on you, but it sounds like you might be Pansexual, you’re attracted to everyone equally, and don’t care about binary gender. I’ve got a book on sexual orientations in the library if you’d like to research what you think you are.

Discord nodded slowly. “That sounds right, but the book would help.” He looked at me. “So, who do you like?”

I said, I don’t like anybody that way, and I’m fine with that. I still got an awesome son! I said as I ruffled his mane. And it was nice to not have to dance the horizontal tango to do so. I’ve been reliably informed that sex is very enjoyable, I just don’t want to find out. You would probably enjoy it. I glanced at him as a thought struck me. I told you to practice safe sex, right?

Discord rolled his eyes. “Just twelve times.”

Well, let’s make it thirteen. I’m honestly not sure if you even can get an STD since you’re not mortal, but your partner can, and I don’t want you getting someone pregnant unless you’re seriously ready for that level of commitment. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go crawl out of my skin. I’ll see you tonight!

When Discord was 18, he came into my room looking thoughtful. What’s up?

“I met two very strange fillies today…”

Really? Strange fillies sound right up your alley. Do you know their names?

“Celestia and Luna.” My pencil snapped in my paw. “Do you … know them?” Discord asked, catching my expression.

Not personally, no. I thought quickly. Do you mind if I tag along the next time you visit them? They won’t even know that I’m there …

“Why…?”

I’d like to meet your friends!

Discord scoffed. “What makes you think we’re friends?”

You haven’t exactly gotten to know anypony before. And … you’re smitten… I said with a grin.

“‘Smitten?’” Discord asked in shock. “What do you mean, ‘Smitten?!’”

Just the expression on your face. Do you mind telling me about them?

“Well, they’re both daughters of one of the noble families in Canterlot,” Discord said with an eye roll, “but they’re not stuck up like the rest of those ponies. Luna’s a bit shy, but she’s very sweet.” He laughed. “After talking with you so long, it’s strange to speak to ponies in Thees and Thous.”

I died several centuries after that, we had contractions then.

“I call Celestia ‘Kay-Kay,’” Discord said with an impish grin.

Why?

“When she first met me, she was a bit scared of me, so when I asked her her name, she stuttered K-K before she managed to get out Celestia.”

Ah.

“She’s got a great sense of humor!”

Well, I look forward to meeting her. The next time I see her, this time I just want to observe.

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to spy on all my friends?”

I chuckled. No, just your first ones.

Discord was gracious enough to humor me and let me follow him the next time the Sisters met with him. I’d always been good at hiding in plain sight, but with the use of magic, not even Discord would have been able to see me if he was looking right at me.

The three were meeting in a garden, and Discord broke into a broad grin upon seeing them. He’d said “fillies,” but I’d forgotten there wasn’t a female equivalent of “colt.” They were only a few years younger than him. Celestia was a white unicorn mare with a light pink mane, while Luna was a dark blue with a lighter blue mane. I noticed that neither of them had their cutie marks yet, which was unusual given their age. I didn’t want to spy on their whole meeting, my son deserved his privacy, but…

I saw the way Discord looked when he snuck glances at Celestia, and the way he went out of his way to make her laugh. I was happy, but …

I sighed, a light breeze stirring the trees. If you break his hearts, I will NEVER forgive you… I left them to it after that.

The next time they met, I joined them in the flesh this time. I was “dressed” in the Draconequus form I’d used when I met with the Lord President of Gallopfrey, a sort of Wemic Bugbear looking thing with horns and eyes that only showed space, my three right paws the usual red. I’d added a blood-red goatee out of nostalgia.

Greetings, I said, shaking both Sister’s hooves at the same time. I am Discord’s father. And thou art?

“We are Luna, and this is our sister Celestia,” Luna replied. “What is they name?”

I mulled it over. As I was thinking, a spider crawled up to me, and I picked it up, turning it over and over in my paws.

“Thou art not afraid?” Luna asked in a puzzled tone.

Hmm? Oh. No. This type of spider is harmless, and I find them rather pleasant to look at. I have many names, so thou may call me what thou wilt, it makes no difference to me, so long as it is not offensive.

“Arachnos,” Luna said with a grin.

I laughed. Very well. To thee I shall be Arachnos. I grinned impishly and shifted into my spiderpony form. A more fitting form for the name, yes? Art thou afraid of me like this?

Luna shook her head. Celestia looked uncertain, before she also shook her head.

Good. Know that I could never harm thee. I think I should leave thee with my son, he enjoys thy company more than mine… I said with a grin. I vanished.

Discord gave a nervous laugh. “He’s … really very nice when you get to know him…”

“Why doth he enjoy spiders?”

“Oh, he’s the Weaver…”

“Thy father created the world?!” Luna asked in shock.

“A bit more than that…” Discord said with a grin.

Discord came into my office one afternoon holding up a mirror and frowning.

What’s wrong, oh vain one? I teased.

Discord ignored that, but pointed at his eyebrows and said, “I’m going grey in my eyebrows!”

Oh.

Discord nodded. “I’m 24! Who goes grey at 24?!!”

I chuckled. It’s rare, but it happens. It’s only in your eyebrows, your mane still looks fine. Your eyebrows are a bit bushier too. Maybe you should grow a beard.

“What?”

I shrugged. Well, it’ll make you look more distinguished. Help you get into clubs, if you do it right. I know you’re a party animal. Lord knows you didn’t get that from me…

“You’re my only parent.”

Yes, but you’re your own person. You’re not a carbon copy of me, thank God. You don’t have to, but I always thought goatees were cool. An absurdly long one is pretty you.

Discord scoffed. “Maybe when I’m older.”

If you want to, not if I want you to.

“I’ll think about it.”

I nodded. … Do you … want dinner? We haven’t eaten together in a while.

“Pizza?” Discord asked with an excited grin.

Well, you certainly hold a pizza my heart!

Discord facepawed and groaned. “Dad … your puns stopped being funny when I was 13.”

I sighed. Fair enough. Any particular toppings?

“Chocolate pieces, anchovies, sausage, onions, jalapenos, pineapple, and whipped cream,” Discord rattled off in one breath.

I raised an eyebrow. You do have taste buds, right?

“Yes…?” Discord replied uncertainly.

Just wanted to triple check. I snapped on a chef’s outfit. One Discord special, coming right up!

It didn’t come as much of a surprise to me when Celestia and Luna became Alicorns, after being able to raise the sun and moon on their own. The fact that they were quickly “elected” rulers of Equestria didn’t surprise me, although I knew they would come to be fair rulers. I hoped so, anyway. When I say they were “elected” I mean that the aristocracy elected them, the common pony didn’t have a choice, although the fact that they were now Alicorns and generally beloved helped sway most ponies’ hearts.

The Sisters had invited me to their coronation “after-party” of sorts, a gathering of nobility in Canterlot. I nursed a glass of juice and bitterly glanced around the room. Discord had also been invited as a personal friend of the Sisters, and while he was much more outgoing than I was, he was being not-so-subtly shunned by these brownnosers. I hated seeing him being treated this way. I knew no good would come of it.

A voice interrupted my dark thoughts. “Cheer up, Arachnos, ‘tis a happy day for us. Do you not think so?”

I saw Luna glowing radiantly and laughed. She could always cheer me up. “Aye, I am glad for thee. I am not overly fond of the rest of these leeches, though,” I said, pointing at the ponies around the room. “They treat my son as though he were a monster or a mere beast. … I hope they do not come to regret it, from either of us. I do not treat things as a joke the way my son does. I pity you that you will have to deal with these cultured pirates,” I said with a grin. “Don’t let them dim your light, fair moon.” Luna blushed.

Luna spotted Celestia walking over and called, “Sister! Join us for a moment?”

Celestia nodded. “I’m glad you could be here,” she said.

I nodded. “Thank you for inviting me to such a proud moment.”

“We are friends,” Celestia said warmly.

“I hope so,” I replied. “I have a gift for you two, to mark the occasion.” Seeing their grins made me laugh. “I think you will enjoy this one.” I glanced around to make sure nopony was watching, snapped my fingers, and …

Watch where you step, this forest can be dangerous, but…

Standing in front of us was a small castle. It wasn’t anything big or overly grand, but it was still a castle. You could almost smell the fresh paint, so to speak. Fluttering from the top of a spire was a long flag that read, “Moony and Kay-Kay.”

I made this for you. … It’s … a place where you can get away from it all. Though you will have to go back to the real world sooner rather than later sadly. But it is a place where tax forms and nobles and checklists cannot find you, even if it is just for half an hour. I handed them a key, the top of which was shaped like a half moon and half sun. This is enchanted to bring you here as well as unlock the door. I hope you have fun figuring out how to activate it, I said with a grin. I made this forest a long time ago as a place outside of normal pony magic, so ponies are usually afraid to enter it. It unsettles them. I thought it would be a good place to hide a private retreat. I usually come here to visit the monsters and see how they are.

I was startled by the sudden hugs around my waist, letting out a yelp at the unexpected contact. When they were done, I gently pushed them away and brought one of my paws up to scratch at the back of my neck in embarrassment. I know ponies are affectionate, but in future please ask before you touch me, even if it is just a hug. I hate being touched without my permission.

“We apologize,” Celestia said.

You had no way of knowing, it is nothing to worry about. Now why don’t you two go explore, there is much to see. I have already seen it, when I built it, but you two have not.

The two ran off and searched every crack and crevice of the castle. When they were done, I said, Right, I think I should get you back before you are missed too much. A quick snap of my fingers and we were back at the party.

A voice called, “Princess!” A tall grey stallion trotted up to us. His mane was salt-and-pepper, and his beard was well trimmed, but exactly how many unicorns wear that outfit outside of a convention?

“Starswirl!” Celestia cried joyfully, giving him a hug.

“Celestia!” the mage replied, rubbing her mane. “Luna, you look well, as always.”

“Thank you,” Luna said.

“Princess of the Day, and Princess of the Night. I am so proud of you two!”

“We were rather surprised when we managed to raise the moon for the first time,” Luna admitted with a slightly shy grin.

Starswirl spotted me. “I do not believe we have met … Mr.?”

“Arachnos.”

Starswirl raised an eyebrow. “That is an unusual name.”

I grinned. “I have an affinity for spiders, and I have many names. Luna suggested the name, and I liked it enough to adopt it.”

“How do you know their Highnesses?”

“My son is a friend of theirs, and they were kind enough to invite me here tonight.”

“Your son?”

I pointed at Discord, who was busy juggling plates, to either the nobles’ enjoyment or slight horror.

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Excuse us, we should go keep him out of trouble. Come, Luna.” They quickly trotted off.

“Discord is your son?!” Starswirl asked with shock.

I sighed. “He is honestly very nice if you take the time to get to know him. He just craves attention, is a bit of a showoff, and unfortunately got my sense of humor. I wish ponies wouldn’t treat him like some sort of freak, they may come to regret that.”

“Who is his mother?”

I grinned. “I take the term ‘single parent’ to another level. I am his only parent, though it was not a traditional birth.” Seeing Starswirl’s confused expression, I said, “I am pony shaped at the moment, but I am not a pony.”

”Ah,” Starswirl said. “You are a Draconequus as well?”

“When it suits me. I have read your work thus far. It is frankly brilliant. You are quite possibly the greatest mage in Equestria.” Starswirl beamed. “You also have the ego to match,” I said in a warning tone. “Just because you are usually the smartest person in the room does not mean you should not listen to the others there. I have seen others go down that road, it only leads to a bitter, lonely life.”

Starswirl slowly nodded, though he seemed confused by my words. “You understand magical theory?”

“Of course,” I said with a grin. “Although lately I have found that I enjoy potion making. For me, there is something satisfying about brewing a potion for hours or even days to create an effect, rather than simply snapping my fingers. I still do that quite a lot, of course,” I said with a shrug. “Some of the ingredients are very hard to come by. I even invent potions in my spare time! … I have a lot of that…” My voice trailed off. I glanced around the room. “I should probably leave. It was nice to meet you.” Starswirl nodded. I walked over to Discord. “I’m going to go, please stay as long as you want.” He nodded.

With that I sighed and disappeared.

I’d gotten the feeling I was supposed to be somewhere again, this time I was in the Frozen North. I wasn’t being pulled towards the Crystal Empire, but the icy waste surrounding it. I liked it cold, so I managed to get used to it quicker than when I’d “borrowed” a TARDIS. I was still grateful for scarves. I finally came to where I had been drawn to and looked around. Nothing but perma-blizzard. I then glanced down. At my hooves was what I thought had been a frozen grey rock. It wasn’t.

Oh, lord! You poor thing! I picked the foal up and looked around. He was nearly dead, but there was a faint heartbeat. Who the buck would leave a foal in this cold?! I snarled. I breathed on the ice and snow encasing him, and it melted away. He started shivering uncontrollably. His form flickered for a second, and I nearly dropped him. What had shown was only vaguely pony shaped. I glanced at the foal closer. Thick dark grey fur, wavy black mane and tail … probably green eyes if he opened them. Oh. I … I thought … Where did you come from, Little Shadow? There haven’t been …

I sighed. Well, I can’t leave you here. Maybe … maybe you’ll be different. Maybe you’ll be better than the rest. I pushed down some of my most hated memories. I wonder how nature and nurture would apply in this case? I … I have to give you a chance. I screwed my eyes shut. Damnit. I know I’ll regret that, but that’s just who I am. They probably knew that. Are you a trap, Little Shadow? For me, or for the ponies?

Obviously, the foal didn’t answer. I carefully placed him on my back and conjured a blanket over him. Well, the closest place to take you is… I snorted in amusement. Let’s go then.

If I galloped through the snow, I would have thrown him off my back, and teleportation can wreak havoc if you’re in poor condition. I didn’t want to know what it would do to someone who had nearly frozen to death. I settled for a brisk trot.

Not knowing what else to do, I spoke to the unconscious foal on my back. Not to cast a shadow on your day, but I think you were starting to crystalize back there. … You know, you could end up being incredibly talented at magic, you might end up being a dark horse in the world of wizardry. Of quartz, there’s more to life than magical academia and crystals. Fate can be a shady thing. Sometimes the difference between a king and pauper is just in the cards. I fear you might be unhappy.

I thought he was waking up by the way his front legs tightened forcibly around my neck, but he was still asleep. For a weakened foal, he had a grip like a vice. I pulled him off. I’m guessing by the fact you just tried to strangle me in your sleep you didn’t enjoy those jokes. It’s a shame, if you had we could have ruled like father and pun. He let out a slight whimper of pain, possibly from the biting cold, possibly from that joke. I sighed. All right, all right, I’ll stop. Everybody’s a critic, I sighed.

Finally, after what felt like four hours of struggling through the snow, my goal was in sight. The Crystal Empire.

I stopped by the barrier and looked at my cargo, unsure if I should continue. Only one way to find out. I stepped through. To my relief he was unharmed. I quickly wound my way through the streets until I found the Crystal Heart Foal Center. I walked in, unsure of what to do next. Luckily a mare quickly spotted me, and more importantly, my passenger.

“Oh, heavens!” She rushed over.

“I found this one in the frozen wastes. He was almost dead. I do not know how he got there, but I do not think he has any family. I am … glad I could bring him somewhere safe. This is a good place for him to have a chance at a life.”

She quickly nodded. “We will take excellent care of him. Thank you, Mr. …?”

“Nos. Arach Nos. It was lucky I was there. I think I should go.”

Her eyes widened. “You do not wish to see him wake?!”

I quickly shook my head. “It is for the best that he not see me. He has not woken yet, and I prefer to leave before he does. Please take the best care of him, he has not had the best start in life.”

She nodded. “I swear.”

I left. The foal’s new guardian and caretaker took him to an empty room and began to warm him up by degrees as she made a soup for when he woke up. Moments later, he stirred. She quickly brought the soup over to him. “Hello, little one. What is your name?”

He was groggy, it took him a minute to form the word. “Sombra. My name is Sombra.”

…

I stood in the blizzard, unsure of what to feel. I’d just saved Sombra’s life, when I could have snuffed it out like a candle. It would have been easy. Six months before, I had attended a party in honor of the birth of the King of the Centaurs and the Queen of the Gargoyle’s son Scorpan. His older brother Tirek hadn’t spoken to me, he’d just given me a sullen death glare. Starswirl didn’t know it, but during his travels throughout Equestria and beyond, he’d accidentally allowed the Changelings to be born from the tree they sprang from, and they were slowly growing in power. A choir of Sirens had been spotted near the eastern border of Equestria, and within a few years they would be giving birth to daughters. Discord had moved out of my castle and built a small home in the chaos dimension I’d formed him from and formed for him. He was growing distant from me, but Celestia had written me and told me she was worried. His pranks were growing more malicious than funny.

Somewhere in the cosmic clockwork, a timer had begun to slowly count down…

Starswirl the Bearded as he was now known was busy polishing a mirror, eyeing his reflection critically.

“I see you have made some friends,” I said approvingly from behind him.

He jumped in surprise. “WHO ARE YOU?! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!!”

I sighed and shifted forms. I am Arachnos. I walked, I said with a grin.

“Oh.” Starswirl glanced at me, whipped around to look in the mirror, and glanced at me again. “You are not in the mirror,” he said in a slightly accusing tone.

‘Mirrors are never to be trusted,’ I quoted with a grin. I … do not enjoy something that is not me looking at me through a copy of my face. Returning to the reason I came here, you are a protector of Equestria, I said with a warm smile. They call you “The Pillars of Equestria.” I am happy for you, you were alone too often, even in your travels.

Starswirl chuckled. “Perhaps, yes, though it is hard to think with them yammering on. I enjoy their company. I am thinking of perhaps taking on an apprentice someday!” he said proudly. “Surely there must be a foal in Equestria who can live up to my expectations.”

I thought about it. No doubt, but … remember that he will also have a great deal to contribute.

Starswirl waved a hoof airily. “Of, course, of course.” I was not remotely convinced. “I sent a trio of particularly nasty sirens through there,” he said, pointing at the mirror. “I wonder what’s on the other side?”

Hell, in all its hormone-driven agony, I replied coolly. I’m not sure they deserved such a fate. Not that there is much I can do about it now. Perhaps one day they will return, perhaps better than they were, perhaps worse. Time will tell. Good luck finding a young mind to mold, treat it with care, jealousy can do ugly things.

With that, I was gone.

I was surprised when Discord unexpectedly dropped by one day. Not because it was unannounced, but simply because he came to visit, he hadn’t done that in years. I was even more shocked to see that he was crying miserably and seemed like someone had scooped out his soul with an ice-cream spoon.

Before he collapsed onto the flagstone, I rushed over and grabbed him. WHAT HAPPENED?! He mumbled something. What?

“CELESTIA SAYS I’M A MONSTER!!!!” Discord roared. “There! HAPPY?!!! Just because she can’t take a joke?! After everything I’ve done for her, I play one prank too many on her STUPID ponies, and I’m a monster?! I OUGHTA-!” He then collapsed, crying into my fur.

Having six arms is useful if you need to give someone a hug. He simply hung limply in my arms, water trickling down my chest and onto the tile floor. When he was done, I rubbed his mane, and softly said, Want me to kill her? He looked up at me in shock. The corner of my mouth turned up. We can just put a stuffed marionette on the throne and feed it cake all day as it makes boring proclamations in that stupid snooty tone she uses when she’s being official. No one will know the difference.

Discord chuckled. “No … I don’t think so.”

Good, because I wouldn’t do that, I just wanted to make you laugh for a bit. Don’t go plotting revenge just yet, she may come to her senses and apologize. I doubt it, since she’s as stubborn as you are, but it’s a faint possibility.

“Hey!” Discord snapped.
As one of the more stubborn beings in creation, I can get away with calling you stubborn. Just … leave things be for now. Maybe stay away from Equestria for the time being. Discord looked unhappy, but he nodded. Trust me, it’s for the best. Now, why don’t we find some way to cheer ourselves up?

Just because you’re expecting something horrible to happen and have very good details about it, doesn’t make it any less horrible to go through.

The Year of Hell, as I would come to think of it, ran thus:

In the early part of January, the dark mage Sombra swiftly and mercilessly overtook the Crystal Empire. I heard stories of what he’d done to the previous ruler, each more horrible than the last. He’d first turned her to stone in public for all her former subjects to witness, and then he shattered her, before scattering the pieces of her stony corpse as dust, so that it could never be put back together. From late January to early March, he ruled his subjects as a slaver, forcing them to dig deeper into the earth for larger and more powerful crystals to fuel some sort of project. His subjects’ lives were a nightmare whether they were awake or asleep. Finally, word reached the Two Sisters in Canterlot, and they dealt swift and terrible justice to him. He sealed the Empire away with himself in a final moment of spite, not to return for over a thousand years.

I wondered why I’d saved him.

…

In late March the Changeling Swarm laid siege to the city of Trot, draining all of the citizens of their love, fatally. Celestia and Luna once again intervened, and sealed the Changelings inside a volcano, after weakening them considerably. Even after being freed from their prison, the Changelings would need decades to return to their full strength, and would only act from the shadows…

Ponies praised Celestia and her sun for the light they brought to these dark times, while giving Luna a curt, “Thank you.”

…

In April, the Centaur Prince Tirek attempted to drain Equestria of its magic, but he was swiftly beaten back by the Two Sisters and sealed inside of Tartarus. The Prince’s brother Scorpan fled from home into the wide deserts surrounding his kingdom, and Tirek’s parents disowned their son for his crimes.

…

In May, a new threat arose, and many feared the return of Sombra, as an Alicorn of Shadow grew in power to do battle with the Pillars of Equestria. Or, so the legends would say. No one would know who he really had been.

I stood inside the still-smoking stones that made up Ponehenge, and slowly clapped.

Ah, yes. Brilliantly done. You especially, Starswirl. I only told you ten times to listen, but no, you just had to let it get this far out of hand. Hmph. For being a genius, you can be almost as stupid as I can. Hopefully someone will come along and knock some sense into your head the next time you see the sun.

…

I’m sorry, Stygian. You don’t deserve the way you’ll be remembered.

I sighed. Screw it. I disappeared again.

…

For the next two months, Equestria breathed a little easier. There hadn’t been a terrifying attack again. Maybe things were getting better! Maybe things were going back to normal! Maybe-

I came home to find Discord in my hall. Discord’s body language became more feral the angrier he got, and right now he would have scared off a pack of wolves just by walking next to the forest.

What’s wrong?

“I read your journal,” he hissed, holding up a slim red volume.

My eyes widened. Oh, buck. Discord, please understand-

He cut me off. “I knew you’d have some excuse! I thought, maybe, just maybe I could be happy. Or find someone to care about me. But…” he opened to a marked page and held it out. “I’m your ‘favorite villain?!!’ I exist so the damn ponies can have a force to balance against?!”

Discord, please, if I can-

“I thought it was bad enough when your precious little ponies treated me like a pariah just for looking different. I thought it was bad enough when Sunbutt declared me a monster. But after all that, to come back here and find that the only reason I exist is because my bucking father wanted me to be a monster… well.” He paused. “I GUESS THAT MEANS I SHOULD BE ONE!!!”

Before I could react, he’d snapped his fingers. He’d used all of his power at once. Which meant if he took me by surprise, even I was screwed.

To my surprise, he hadn’t hurt me, he’d just cast me out of my house and to Equis. I was near the border of Equestria, but …

There was a shimmering barrier that cut off the outside world. My eyes widened. Oh, crap. I slammed into it. It didn’t hurt, but …

I quickly tried teleporting anywhere into Equestria. I couldn’t.

Discord thought I loved Equestrians more than him, so he’d claimed Equestria as his. The huge burst of power he’d used was to seal me outside my creation. Given enough time, I could force my way in, but that would most likely punch a hole in the planet, and he knew that I knew that. I was furious, but I actually laughed. Looks like you’re related to me after all. Maybe I should send you to law school. No, I don’t want to be that cruel…

Whatever you do to them, you’ll pay for. I hope you know that. Not by my hand, but by someone’s.

At that point, all I could do was watch.

…

Discord’s reign of chaos lasted from late Summer to almost the end of the year. I always thought it had lasted years, but he packed as much nastiness as he could into six months.

When it was over, I visited his statue in the Canterlot Gardens. I stroked his cheek. He honestly looked like he was singing or just laughing at the best joke in the world. That just made it worse.

I’m sorry. This path? The one you read about? That wasn’t what I wanted for you. This isn’t what I want for you. It’s true, I created you to add challenge and variety to the lives of ponies, to keep them on their “toes” and unsure of what could be around the corner. To keep them sharp, and remind them that life, with all its dullness, all its sorrow, all its joy, and all its chaos, is beautiful. I wanted you to be a trickster, not a monster. You chose this path, and you chose where it has led you. I could get you out of there, but not without changing the way Harmony works, or worse, changing who you are at your core. I will not do either of those things. You must hate me. I … can’t blame you. When you get out of there, try thinking about what you could have done differently. I hugged him. I couldn’t feel his fur, only cold unchanging stone, and he couldn’t feel me at all. I love you, I whispered. I then did what I always do. I ran away.

…

It was almost the end of the year, when the days are shortest, and the nights are at their longest and their coldest.

Celestia was in a room of the Castle, sobbing quietly.

It feels like you can’t go on, doesn’t it? I asked quietly. You didn’t lose someone you love; you lost a part of yourself. And no matter what you do, you will never be whole again.

“What do you know about loss?!” Celestia shouted. “I have buried my parents, watched as my friends and family have grown old without me, and now I have banished my sister to the moon. I will never see her again!”

I lost a son, I said quietly. You broke his heart, but I did not help him as I should have. Celestia, they are lost, not dead. What is lost can be found again, given time. Celestia looked at me. Write this in your history books and take comfort in it: “On the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal.” That is my gift to you, a prophecy of her return.

“That … thing is not my sister,” Celestia said. “And Discord deserved what he got.”

He deserved to be punished for his crimes, yes. And he has been. I must live with that, as must you. But you deny you were his friend?

“I could never be friends with something like him.”

I sighed. Celestia, you are a wise and benevolent ruler, and a damn good one, but if you believe that Discord did not consider you a friend, and that Nightmare Moon is not your sister, then, frankly … you are an idiot.

Celestia raised a hoof as if to strike me before she brought it down. Taking a shaky breath, she said, “Answer me two questions.”

Gladly.

“Could you have prevented this year? And could you undo it?”

… Yes. But that does not mean I would have, or that I will. If I could undo every mistake, there would be no point in mistakes, or in free will. What happens to us, happens, that is the way of things.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Celestia said quietly.

Yes, it does. Believe me when I say it is for the best that I leave things as they stand.

"GET OUT!!!" Celestia screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

As you wish. When you want to talk again, call me, and I will come.

After that conversation, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t wake for a month.

I'll see you in a thousand years, kid.

View Online

It had been a few months, but after all Hell broke loose on multiple occasions, I didn’t want to interact with anything. I didn’t want to exist, but I didn’t have a choice. I kept blaming myself. Everything in my castle reminded me of Discord. I hadn’t even thought of what to do with his house, I should probably lock it up.

My castle didn’t synch up with normal time, I could spend a week here, and only an hour would have passed in the outside world, but I didn’t want to experience the reverse of the outside world passing me by in a moment. Even if I did want to sleep forever, I knew I would get sick of that.

I was curled up in bed, anyway, not even bothering to breathe. Apep and Alexis were trying to get my attention, but I just ignored them. They both knew better than to touch me, but I hadn’t known they had magic. I found myself levitating down the hall, still laying down with my blanket wrapped around me. We headed into the kitchen and I was gently tipped into a sitting position and placed on a chair, before Apep wrapped my blanket around me like a burrito. Alexis walked into the room with my phone and a small portable speaker. He plugged the phone in and pulled up a song in my files that always cheered me up, putting it on loop.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=mM3LosM3S1Q

A tarantula crawled up the counter and started batting its head against my hand like a cat. I started to gently pet it.

I wasn’t paying attention, but Alexis had put on a frilly pink apron that read, “KISS THE COOK,” and was busy getting ingredients out of the fridge. Apep walked behind him and wrapped his arms and wings around him, giving him a peck on the back of his neck before nuzzling into his fur. “Hon, I need to make us lunch,” Alexis said, gently pushing Apep away.

I blinked, not sure if I’d heard right. “Hon?!” Are you two a couple now?

The two wolves walked over, holding paws, both with a sheepish smile. To my surprise, Apep was blushing. “Uh, well,” he started to say…

“Eeyup!” Alexis said.

I grinned. Mazel tov!

“You’re not Jewish,” Apep said.

I sighed. Congratulations then. I was kind of hoping you two would wind up together, what gave it the final push?

They looked at each other and in unison said, “Who else is going to date him?”

I guffawed. Alexis then said, “In seriousness, we found out we’re not that different, and we get along very well, we obviously have a lot of the same interests, and we … don’t have a lot of other options,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with a paw as his wings fluffed slightly. “It doesn’t weird you out, does it?”

I took a sip of hot chocolate I materialized and said, “My conscience is dating my id. What’s weird about that? Don’t tell Sigmund though, I’m still flipping him off…” Apep snickered.

About the third time Starcourt played I started playing along like there was a keyboard on the counter in front of me.

“Glad you’re feeling better,” Alexis said with a small smile. “I was worried you were going to hide in your room forever.”

I would have gotten bored of sulking. Eventually. In a decade or two, so might as well start to snap out of it now.

…

I – I don’t think Discord would want me to spend the whole thousand years curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself. At least, I hope he wouldn’t once he gets over this hissy fit, I sighed, screwing my eyes shut. God, I’m a horrible father. I have to wait a thousand years. No more than that, he didn’t show up for a few seasons. I – that’s a long time to not see him.

“You’re over six thousand years old at this point,” Alexis said with a smile. He was frying something. “Shadow of My Life, would you cut some tomatoes, onions, and avocado?”

“Sure,” Apep said as he quickly dashed over.

I facepalmed. Oh, god, you’re doing pet names now?

The two snickered. “Yes, we shall be as nauseatingly adorable as we can,” Apep said, booping his nose against Alexis’s. It really was adorable

I take it back. I hope you get a drawn-out, messy divorce. I realized something. Uh, is he the best one to handle the sharp objects? He is my id.

“I’m not going to use it on anyone!” Apep snapped looking affronted. I sighed in relief. “I’d just talk you into using it on someone,” he said smugly. I groaned.

What are you two making us?

“Smell and tell me,” Alexis said with a grin.

I did. Onion, tomato, avocado, lettuce, toasted bread… I licked my lips as I started to drool. Baaacooonnn, I moaned happily. You’re making us B.L.A.T.s? I asked with a grin.

Alexis set a plate down. “Eat hearty. You need something to eat. It’s been a few weeks.”

I was messily tearing into my sandwich. I don’t need to eat, I pointed out.

“Nice try, but that isn’t go to fly with me,” Alexis said.

Apep grabbed Alexis and licked his face, getting grease and onion smell on it, his wings flaring out. “Babe, I love you. Never stop cooking for me.”

If you two keep this up, I might walk in front of another car, I groaned as I ate.

“You might find someone too,” Alexis said.

NEVER! I shouted. I sighed. Sorry, I don’t want to think about it. Any suggestions as to what I should do for the next thousand years?

“You could get a job…”

As what? The only degree I have is in annoying people.

“Yes, but it is a Ph.D.!” Apep said with a smirk.

Ha, ha, ha.

“You’ll find some way to occupy your time,” Alexis said. “Why don’t you go visit Aleyebraxus? I’m sure she’d like to hear from you.”

I’m not sure the Gallopfreyans would appreciate an unannounced visit…

Alexis picked up a newspaper and lightly whapped me a few times over the head with it. “GO! VISIT! YOUR! FRIENDS! I WILL DRAG YOU THERE BY YOUR TAIL IF I HAVE TO!!!”

I put my paws over my head defensively, too late. All right! All right! I blinked. Where the heck did you get a newspaper?! They haven’t even been invented yet!

Alexis blinked. “Good question.” He glanced at the paper. “Huh. It’s the Canterlot Sun, almost a thousand years from now.”

What?! … Any news I should be aware of?

Alexis glanced at the headline. “Yeah, don’t buy Betamax.”

I already knew that.

“And the Grand Galloping Gala is sea themed that year.”

I’m sure that will be of great use to me at that point. I rubbed my muzzle. I’m somehow winding up with newspapers from the future, I don’t want to know what that could do.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Apep said with a grin. “I just found that same day’s paper.” He held it out. The headline read, “QUESADILLA UPRISING!” and a blurry photo showed a gigantic mutant cheese quesadilla consuming a horrified pony. “You’re finding papers from multiple futures, not the future.” I sighed in relief. Apep grinned. “If we’re going back to Gallopfrey, and if they can’t see us coming … can we say hi to the Lord President?”

I grinned back.

We both glanced at Alexis. He shrugged. “I don’t have a problem with it. Try not to get too dangerous.”

And that is how after I spent a good day catching up, the Lord President of Gallopfrey retired to his chambers, only to find them overflowing with Furbies. “Weyan’a!!!!” he shouted in rage. The Furbies quickly disappeared. The President rubbed his muzzle. “How in the world did a being with that many screws loose manage to create an entire universe?” The only response he got was a rain of screws in his bedroom.

I knew that this had Bad Idea written all over it in multiple languages, in all capitals, then highlighted, and underlined twice, but … I still cared. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe it was.

Equis looked peaceful from the moon. Small. And very, very far away.

She knew I’d arrived almost as soon as I set foot on her new home, judging by the fact that thirty seconds later she tried to take my head off with a blast of magic.

“You dare show your face here?!”

I sighed. I warned your sister. And you. You can’t say I didn’t. Hello, fair moon.

Nightmare Moon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “You call me that now? When I am like this?!”

I shrugged. To me, you will always be the Fair Sister, and the moon is still your domain. You are going through a heck of a goth phase, though, I said with a grin.

“The moon is my prison, not my domain. You sided with Little Miss Sunshine. You are as guilty as she is. When I am freed from here, you will pay with the rest of them.”

I didn’t side with anyone, Nightmare. I’m on my side, not Celestia’s. Not yours, not Discord’s.

Her eyes narrowed. “Can you leave this place?”

I nodded. I can’t take you with me, though. You are a separate creature, and the Elements won’t let you back into Equestria yet.

She chuckled darkly. “Oh, that is all I needed to know. I don’t have to be a separate creature at all. Not once I’m in that useless head of yours…”

My eyes widened. You really DON’T WANT TO – too late, the next thing I saw was Nightmare Moon heading into my head.

…

Nightmare Moon chuckled. Oh, this was too easy…

“I don’t think that foal’s as powerful as he says, or he certainly could have kept me out of-” her eyes widened. “Stars…” she breathed as she looked around her.

Nightmare Moon was no stranger to entering the minds of other creatures, that had been her job when she was that weak-willed Princess, but this…

Thunder rumbled overhead, and she shivered. Stretching in all directions as far as she could see was a featureless, frozen waste. The sky overhead was obscured by churning jet-black clouds, fingers of red lightning darting down to hit at the horizon. The entire place felt sullenly hostile to anything that dared try to live in it.

She was shocked. Most minds, asleep or awake were full of thoughts that were shown as creatures of some sort. They could represent people known to the dreamer, memories, or their fears, hopes, … just about anything. Here … nothing. Just the freezing wind, and a feeling she was trespassing.

She flapped her wings a few times, and took to the air, trying to find something, anything to focus on and conquer, so that she could get off the rock she’d been chained to.

The landscape ahead changed slightly, and she touched down. Icy ground met blackened earth, cracks of reddish-orange lava showing through. The ground was still cold, snow whirling around her, not even melting as it hit the melted rock.

Nightmare Moon was surprised, this time there was something besides the ground and sky. A trio of statues in a brownish-grey rock. She hadn’t seen creatures like this before, they looked a bit like Minotaurs, but without muzzles and horns. They also didn’t have hooves, instead they had five-fingered hands. They were wearing odd clothes and covering their eyes with their hands. She didn’t know what these things were, but they weren’t alive. If they were, she would have been able to tell right away. She supposed they were just scenery.

She kept walking, surprised to find the lava icy under her hooves. After an interminable time, the landscape changed again, this time to an ashen waste. The permanent snow/thunderstorm continued. To Nightmare Moon’s surprise, she spotted light in the distance. Flying towards it, she saw what she thought was a sculpture. It was a large metal triangle 3 times her size, but only the outline. Floating in the center of the space was a white orb, with light shining from it. She touched down in front of it, and it swiveled around to look at her. It was a giant eyeball with an electric blue iris. It seemed to be staring into her soul, and it was marking the parts it didn’t approve of for future use.

That was the last straw. This place was too creepy, and the emptiness was getting to her. She quickly got out.

I was panting heavily. Nightmare Moon grinned. “You were fighting me? I didn’t even feel you.”

I shook my head. Not you. Everything that lives in my head, to keep you alive, in one piece, and sane. It wasn’t easy. You’re welcome. Now, you messed with my mind, allow me to return in kind. GO TO SLEEP. She fought me, but she quickly collapsed.

I sighed. I was mad at her, but …

I considered this an extreme form of violation without permission, but I “walked” into her mind. I wanted to help, if I could.

To my surprise, the world inside her head almost perfectly matched the world outside her head at the moment. I was once again on the moon, Equis hanging overhead. This time, it was glowing almost painfully bright. There was no sun in sight.

“You dare enter my mind?” Nightmare Moon shouted.

I sighed. Guess we’re both hypocrites. Nice mind you’ve got here, more peaceful than mine. You’re not attacking me… I noted with interest.

“I don’t believe I would have any power over you, even in my mind.”

Doesn’t make you any less impressive.

“I AM THE MASTER OF FEAR!!!” Nightmare Moon shouted. “You should be on your knees, begging me for your life!”

My head tilted to the side as I over-processed something. ‘Master’ of Fear? I glanced at her. Nightmare Moon had Mistress of the Night and Feme Fatale vibes in spades. It must have just been a slip of the tongue. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. There’s a stallion who earned that title before you, and he’s slightly more qualified.

“Sombra?! HAH! He’s nothing. We defeated him, remember?”

With the help of your sister and the elements.

Nightmare Moon bared her teeth. “You’ve seen me in combat. I can match any stallion easily. I am better than many of our warriors. Do you really think I couldn’t have taken him alone?”

You could have, I have no doubt. But you both would have died, pointlessly.

“What do you want, Arachnos? To lock me in a nightmare? To punish me for being a ‘Bad Girl?’” she simpered with doe eyes.

I gave a laugh. Drop the sweet girl act. It won’t work.

Nightmare Moon chuckled. “I didn’t think so. So, what will you do, oh Mighty One?”

I sighed. You know those dreams where you wake up, go about your day, and you think you’re awake but you’re still dreaming? Then you wake up again, only you haven’t?

“Of course,” Nightmare Moon scoffed. “Why?”

You’re going to have quite a lot of those.

Nightmare Moon woke up, surprised to find herself in her quarters in Canterlot. She sighed in relief. She’d thought she was back on the moon. She still had troubling dreams about those dark days. She stretched and glanced out the window, admiring the permanent night sky, the picture of her sister’s screaming face on the moon. She donned her armor and set out to conquer a new day. She grinned in satisfaction as she saw her loyal subjects waiting for her orders and her ability to lead. Equestria flourished under her guiding hoof. She was needed, no, wanted. This day was going to be perfect.

I sighed. Nightmare Moon, no, I still thought of her as Luna, looked peaceful, breathing deeply, a serene smile on her face.

Was that cruel of me?

Alexis shrugged. “You did trap her in a never-ending dream for the next thousand years, but … they’re the best dreams she could have. Beats sitting on this rock going crazy.”

“Still probably qualifies as an act of evil, even if you had good intentions,” Apep said. “You know what they say about those…” I nodded. Apep shuddered. “Watching you fight your inner demons, I’m glad I wasn’t a voice in your head when you were with your father. That guy is scary as all get out.”

Not my most cherished memories, no. Anyway, he doesn’t deserve that title, even “glorified sperm donor” sounds too invested. I just happen to unfortunately share 50% of his D.N.A. His other kids aren’t happy to have that “honor” either. Let’s go get something warm to drink, it’s too cold in my mind.

I glanced at Luna’s sleeping form. Feeling theatrical, like always, I bent down and whispered, Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! It seemed fitting.

Celestia knew this was foolish, the Everfree had had a reputation of danger and unspecified certain death even when she was a filly. She had no idea why Arachnos would create a slice of the world that went against the rest of the world’s natural rules, or why he seemed to find a dark chaotic wood full of monsters peaceful. She often felt she didn’t know him at all, but … he seemed to care for her. He’d built her a castle so that she could get away from it all, just because he thought she’d like it.

That was where she was heading, the Castle of the Two Sisters as it came to be known had been all but destroyed when she and Luna fought, and she hadn’t returned. It had been too painful, but she wanted to see what could be salvaged.

She crept into the ruined main hall. Her eyes closed in pain. Everything was the same as it had been 50 years ago. The same pieces of rubble in the same places. Perhaps she shouldn’t have come, it –

“It creeps in dusty places…” “None come here but the dust and the broken dreams” “So tall!” “Old, sad…” “Foolish one…” “Is it lost?” “Can we eat it?” “No eating, not the pony-folk.” “Window! It is the one in the window!”

Celestia had excellent hearing and could tell that there were voices coming from the walls and ceiling above her. “Hel- Hello?” she called nervously. The voices were high and whispery and didn’t sound like anything she’d heard before. Her horn lit up and the shadows vanished. She screamed.

Star Spiders. HUNDREDS of them! They recoiled from the sudden light. One dangled in front of her on its thread, looking at her carefully. “Beautiful…” it whispered.

Celestia blinked in surprise. “You … you talk?!!”

Laughter came from all around her. “We always talk, ponies just don’t listen. You must have needed to hear someone here…”

“What are you doing here?”

“We watch for Master. All eyes, watching, waiting… We keep the castle until we are no longer needed. When the ponies return, Master will find new homes for us, until then we tell who visits this place…”

“I … do not believe I will return here for some time. You can stay here. I need to check some things, is that all right?”

“Our webs, your stones. What need have you for our permission?”

“Th-thank you.”

“Beware, Sun Sister. As a dream can become a Nightmare, so a dawn can become a Daybreak. Keep your friends close…” They scuttled away, back into the dark and quiet corners to keep their vigil.

Celestia breathed out slowly. She still wasn’t … overly fond of spiders, but her castle’s new occupants seemed decent.

The first thing she did was check that the Elements were safe. Satisfied that they were, she began gathering some of the personal possessions she’d left behind that were still salvageable after a battle between two demigoddesses and 50 years wear and tear. She stepped outside the castle; the forest seemed almost peaceful. She chuckled. “Well, that could have gone much worse.”

The loud growling nearby informed her that she’d just tempted fate. She turned and saw a massive Timberwolf with glowing purple eyes. It was covered in fungal growths, and its jaws were foaming. Celestia didn’t need to be an expert to see it was sick. She tried backing away slowly. It sprang. She kicked it in the head, breaking off the lower half of its muzzle. She turned and ran.

She then tripped on an exposed root and tumbled to the ground in an undignified heap. She glanced up and saw the Timberwolf looming over her, its head regenerated. Celestia hadn’t aged in some time, but common sense suggested she wouldn’t survive being torn to shreds. She opened her mouth to scream, her horn lighting up, when a massive shape dropped onto the Timberwolf.

This time she did scream, it was a gigantic wolf spider, three times as big as Celestia. The Timberwolf struggled and snapped at the spider, but the spider bit down heavily and began pumping in venom. The wood at the bite turned an ashen grey, which quickly spread throughout the Timberwolf’s body. It fell down and twitched a few times, letting out one last raspy breath as the lights in its eyes flickered out.

The spider walked over to Celestia. She fired a beam of magic at it … which bounced off harmlessly. The spider sighed.

I did just save your life, I snapped. A little appreciation would be nice, rather than having my hair singed off.

“Arachnos?!” Celestia asked in shock.

Do you know any other giant spiders this dashing? I shifted back into my pony form to put her more at ease. Are you all right? If it bit you, I need to give you medical attention immediately instead of bantering.

Celestia shook her head. “I mostly injured my pride and got quite scared.” She gestured at the Timberwolf. “What’s wrong with it?”

I grinned. Nice to see you’re still as sharp as ever. The Everfree is sick. To use a metaphor, it’s attacking its white blood cells, which in most lifeforms means cancer.

“White blood cells?”

I sighed. Ah, yes, I forget we’re still in Ye Darke Olde Dayes. Your body is made up of trillions and trillions of units called cells too small to see. There are many different types of cells that specialize in serving every function your body needs. In your blood are white blood cells, which fight infections and diseases. If your body is attacking them, it means something is quite wrong with you. Timberwolves aren’t dumb dogs, they serve as an extension of the Everfree itself, and guard it from harm. The Everfree is turning them into that, I pointed at the wolf, even if it is unintentionally. Try and picture how sick that means the forest is.

Celestia put the advanced medical knowledge to the side for a moment as she looked at the wolf. “Do you know what’s wrong with it specifically?”

I gave a twisted grin. I know exactly what’s wrong with it, but every time I try to cure it, it fights back. When’s the last time you saw a Timberwolf covered in mushrooms? Timberwolves call it “Heartrot.” If you’re even suspected of having it, you’re exiled from the pack, instantly. It’s a type of Cordyceps that affects only Timberwolves. It grows into your wood and replaces your tissues with itself, slowly, painfully taking you over. It doesn’t stop once you’re dead, that’s just the beginning. It then puppets your infected corpse around looking for other Timberwolves to infect. It’s a horrific way to die, and Timberwolves should be immune to it! I snarled. For Timberwolves to be affected by something like this, the whole forest would have to be rotting, and it isn’t! I groaned, feeling rage bubble up again. I’d been working on this for over a year, and I still hadn’t figured out what was wrong, even after interviewing every kind of creature in the Everfree. It wasn’t fair of me to yell at Celestia for something that wasn’t her fault, though.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

I let out a slow breath, trying to simmer down. The Everfree doesn’t respond to Pony magic. Thank you for the offer though, it is very appreciated. I can fix this; I just need more time. There is something, actually. I don’t hold political power, never enjoyed the stuff, glad to be rid of it. When you get back, write a law to quarantine the whole Everfree. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. She nodded. I grinned, showing off rows of sharp teeth. May I walk you to the border?

Celestia quickly nodded. “Please.”

Once she was safely back in Equestria proper, I said, It was nice to see you again. I wish it had been under better circumstances. I- My eyes widened. OH MY GOD!!!! I whinnied in terror. I leapt straight into the air and landed in Celestia’s arms. There was a hissing sound from where I’d been looking.

“WHAT?!” Celestia shouted, trying not to buckle under my weight.

IT’S A GOOSE!!! I screamed hysterically.

Celestia looked. There was indeed a goose. “Is it a monster goose from the forest?”

I shook my head, refusing to break eye contact with the fiend. No, it’s just a regular goose.

“That’s it?!!”

You don’t understand. Geese are manifestations of pure evil from the nethermost realms of the Abyss, intent on destroying all that is non-Goose. You can’t reason with them, you can’t bargain with them, and they will never stop hunting you until you are dead. The goose hissed menacingly and spread its wings, preparing to charge. Celestia rolled her eyes and fired a few shots of magic at it, all but one of which hit. The goose turned around and ran off, honking angrily. You … you saved me! I said in shock.

Celestia dropped me like a sack of potatoes. “You’re all-powerful and you’re afraid of geese?” she teased.

“Afraid” doesn’t cover it. Thank you for that.

Celestia was laughing hysterically, more at the day she’d just had than my seemingly unfounded fear. I wasn’t upset. When she calmed down, she said, “I’m glad to see you again as well. I … I’ve missed you. What have you been up to these past fifty years?”

I shrugged standing up. I don’t change much. I’ve made a few hundred afghans, wandered the world, explored the universe, watched my little ponies grow.

“Are you the one who puts a scarf on Discord’s statue every winter?”

I nodded. I … don’t want him to be cold. I know he can’t feel the cold when he’s in there, I know it’s stupid, I just…

“It makes sense. Did you also put up all those enchantments?” I nodded again. “I’ve never seen a statue that clean, or a statue that magically repels pigeons. What are those things they turn into if they land on him?”

Hacky sacks, I said with a grin. Much more useful and entertaining than pigeons.

“Yes, the guards have invented a game using them. You try and keep them off the ground as long as possible while kicking them back and forth.”

Exactly the point, I said with a pleased nod. I still enjoy making and inventing potions, perhaps I’ll write a book one day.

“I’d read it,” Celestia said with a smile. “I’m thinking of starting a school for the brightest and best in Equestria, what do you think?”

I think that is an excellent idea! You would do well at that, you have a very maternal instinct. Would you teach there?

Celestia’s face fell. “I don’t think I would have the time.”

Oh.

Celestia grinned. “Would you teach there?”

Ha! No. I have no experience with children, and I’m not fit to teach them. What would I even teach?

“You’ve lived through all of history, that qualifies you. You’re well-versed in magic of many kinds, and you know more about the natural world than most Earth Ponies.”

Don’t butter me up, Kay-Kay, you couldn’t afford my salary. I was grinning as I said it. I believe I’ve kept the head of state long enough. What were you even doing sneaking into the Everfree?

“I wanted to recover some of my belongings from the Castle, I – Oh, no, I lost them!”

When you were being chased by the Timberwolf? She nodded. I suppose you would lose everything while fleeing for your life. Oh, except for this, I held out a suitcase. It had all of the belongings she’d taken. I grinned wolfishly.

“How did you-?”

For being so graceful, you’re quite loud while running cross-country in terror. I followed and picked these up. Now get, I believe I entrusted a country to you, and I’d hate for something to happen to it. Till we meet again! I set the suitcase down and disappeared, leaving a Cheshire Cat grin hanging behind for a few seconds.

Celestia simply shook her head with an amused grin before heading back to Canterlot.

Two nights later Celestia was woken by light fireworks outside her window. She rubbed her eyes and glanced down to see a certain liontaur Draconequus beaming up at her. Glowing red written words spelled out “I DID IT!”

“Get up here before the guards find you!” Celestia hissed. She blinked and I was gone.

“Could you spare some hot chocolate?” I asked from behind her, shivering. My voice was quiet and in a more mortal tone.

“Do you even sleep?” Celestia asked, glancing at a nearby clock tower.

“I … try to avoid it. I enjoy it too much, and I get locked in bad dreams. I figured out what’s wrong with the Everfree! The Tree of Harmony was glit – not working. I think Discord did something to it when he took over, to help keep his power working. I fixed it! It’ll take a while, but the Everfree will heal! No more mushroom-zombie wolves! You should still keep ponies out, the Everfree wasn’t supposed to have ponies in it anyway, I-”

“Is this worth waking me up for?”

I blinked. “I thought you’d be happy I figured it out.”

“Not at three in the morning.”

I realized my mistake. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I suppose I’ll have to get rid of this celebration cake then,” I sighed as I held it out.

Celestia smirked. “Do you always carry cake with you?”

“Not always. It’s chocolate,” I said with an evil grin.

“You’re a vile tempter, Arachnos,” Celestia said grimly. “You do know this goes straight to my hips, right?” I’d never had a poker face, so when something accidentally crossed my face, Celestia shouted, “DON’T YOU EVEN!”

I was laughing hysterically. “Quiet! You’re going to wake the whole castle! I don’t want to go to prison!” After a few snickers I said, “You have a nice figure, I wouldn’t worry about it. Are you going to eat this with me or not?”

Celestia nodded. We spent the rest of the morning joking and catching up. As the sun streamed into the room, Celestia said, “So, you’ve forgiven me?”

I shrugged. “Eh, fifty years is a little longer than I can hold a grudge. Well, most grudges. I do expect you to apologize to my son, you hurt him a lot more than you hurt me. You were hurting too, of course.” I sighed. “Everybody hurts. I hate it. I am sorry. About your parents. I never expressed my sympathies at their passing. I only met them a few times, but they were some of the good ones.”

Celestia nodded. “That they were. Why don’t you like the nobility?”

I snorted. “I was raised on the other end of the scale, and don’t like those who look down on others. Having money and huge tracts of land doesn’t make you a better person, just a richer one. Anyway, everyone’s blood is blue until it’s on the outside.” Except Changelings, I thought with a snort. They’re genuinely blue-blooded!

Celestia smirked. “Be grateful you don’t-” she blinked. “When did the sun come up?!”

“Seven thirty-two, right on time,” I said with a proud grin. “I’m eternally grateful for your punctuality. It’s refreshing. I enjoyed that; I haven’t raised the sun in a long time. Mind you, I designed the bloody thing to raise itself. Don’t get me started.”

Celestia started to panic. “What time is it?!!!”

“A little after 8. There’s a rather flustered cute stallion on the other side of your door wondering if it’s rude to wake you this late. I should leave you be, sorry if I’ve thrown off your schedule. See you later!”

I disappeared, and the guard walked into the room. Celestia glanced at him, puzzled. “Cute stallion?”

Some years later I was walking through a seedy district of Mareis. Not intentionally, I’d simply been in Prance for the food. The mares stretched out seductively or leaning against walls and doors dressed to kill informed me as to what kind of business district I was in. There was even the occasional stallion to my surprise. My face was burning, and I mostly stared at the ground. I then crashed into someone.

“Good evening sir!” an older mare called in Prench. “Might I interest you in some company this evening?”

I dusted myself off. “No, thank you, I just wish to go home,” I replied. One of the benefits of being bloody ancient was that I spoke almost every language on Equis. Although languages evolved as well, and I could sound remarkably out of date between visits to other countries.

I glared up at her. “Please, sir, I am no common peddler of flesh. I create a living image of your deepest desire. There is no investment, no drawbacks, simply a night of pleasure.”

“I am not interested in your enchantments, please let me be.”

She put a hoof on my chest. I drew my lips back in a snarl. She lowered her hoof. “Please sir,” she begged. “The image costs nothing, only the use of!”

I sighed. “Fine. Create an image for me, but don’t expect me to pay for it.”

She smiled, nodded, and concentrated, her horn glowing. To my surprise, something did appear.

My eyes widened. Hers opened, and an expression of shock took over her face as she saw my ideal companion for a night of sinfully indulgent pleasure. “Oh, WOW!” I said in amazement, starting to drool. “Look at the size! Look at those curves! Look at the piping! LOOK AT THE CHOCOLATE WORK!”

Standing in front of me in all its delightful, decadent glory was a peanut butter and chocolate cake the size of a large stallion. It was shaped … like a cake. It had some of the most intricate decoration I’d seen outside of Pinterest. It was truly glorious.

I handed the shocked Madame a large sack of coins. “Shut up and take my money,” I sighed in defeat.

“Oh, I see! There is a pony inside the cake, yes?”

My head tilted to the side in confusion. “Why would I want to eat a pony? They don’t taste good, it’s like licking a carpet. Anyway, that’s cannibalism for you.”

“I mean there is a pony waiting to pop out and surprise you for a night of pleasure.”

“Noooo… it’s just a cake. Cake is sacred. I don’t want a ‘night of pleasure’ with a pony, but I’ll take cake any day!”

She sighed and made the cake more tangible.

I grinned wickedly, attached a rope to the cake and began to drag it to my lair. “You’re all mine now…” I whispered lovingly.

The Madame stared in shock as I walked away. “Who on Equis would prefer cake to sex?” she asked.

Maybe it was because I’d been “alive” for so long, but the thousand years didn’t feel as long as it normally did. I kept as busy as I could; making blankets for charities for lost foals, traveling the world, and then traveling the universe, helping where I could. Just taking life one day at a time, really. I worked as a law clerk for about 50 years in an old firm. I enjoyed it, although it was pretty stressful. Towards the end of the millennium I got a job in retail, because shouldn’t every Millennial carry on that tradition? I was fired at the end of my first week, but I’d been surprised I’d lasted that long. I was always polite and respectful, but I couldn’t take crap from customers. I wasn’t planning on being in that job very long, I’d done it to say I had done it, and because I was bored and wanted a change.

The first few centuries were very boring, honestly. The only upside was that I could tell Ponies were heading out of the Dark Ages and helping lead the way for other creatures, which was good, because otherwise I would have hit them upside the head.

It was actually fascinating to watch new technologies being discovered. I let off fireworks in the city where it happened when the printing press was invented, because now books could be mass-manufactured for the general public.

Art improved as well, surprisingly quickly. Shading, perspective, anatomy, color, all the elements that made a picture better that had been drastically improved during the Renaissance on Earth also made leaps and bounds here.

I got to see a Shakespur play in person, during his lifetime. That was an amazing experience. It was a truly great love story. They all died, tragically. Teenagers, am I right?

There was one particular event that stuck out the most in ye bade olde dayes. I’d been minding my own business when glowing runes in a circle appeared around me. Wind started blowing through the room, and I felt like I was being pulled somewhere against my will.

What in the world?!

The next thing I knew I was sucked through the ether and landed in what looked like a wizard’s laboratory. In his basement.

That wasn’t what I was focusing on. I was in my leotaur Draconequus form, and I could see in 360 degrees, at varying angles. I could also feel wings, which I hadn’t had before. I was in sensory overload, so I closed my eyes. And closed my eyes again. After a bit of experimentation, I finally figured out what had happened. Sprouting from my back were four large feathery wings. The feathers were black and white, and …

They had eyes!!! My wings had eyes! I wasn’t sure how many eyes there were but built in between the coverts of each wing were large eyes with black sclera and glowing blue irises.

I opened my main eyes again and took a few deep breaths, trying to get used to my new range of sight. I tried snapping the wings away, but they wouldn’t vanish.

Huh. That’s … new. I would get eldritch angel wings instead of the normal kind, I grumbled. It’s not like I earned them! Anyway, I didn’t hear any bells ringing… I’ve got three pairs of arms and four wings now. I must have really weird back muscles…

I then finally noticed my surroundings. I was inside what looked like a summoning circle, and shackles made of glowing blue light kept each pair of arms together.

OK…

“Heh. Heh. Hee, hee, hee, ah-ha-ha-ha AHHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!”

Ho, ho, I added.

A wizened unicorn stallion stepped into the light. He was certainly dressed like a wizard. “You’re him, aren’t you?” he asked with a slightly crazed smile that scared me.

Who?

“Arachnos! The Weaver! Creator of Reality!”

Uh … yes? I did NOT like where this was heading.

The grin grew more wicked and terrifying. “Excellent. My name is Midas, I am this kingdom’s greatest mage. I’ve read extensively on you. You may find this hard to believe, but I have bound you firmly to this spot. You cannot leave without my permission. Go ahead, try it.” I found that I was in fact sealed to that spot, no matter how much I struggled against the magic or tried to go around it.

How are you doing this?

“Research. Now, I’ll be happy to let you go, in return for your granting me one wish.”

You’re crazy, I snarled.

“I’m DYING!!!” he shouted. “I have days left. I was lucky to haul my decaying body down here and complete the ritual without collapsing.”

What are you dying of?

“Cancer,” he spat. “I didn’t know I had it until it was too late. Now I have less than a week, the healer thinks.”

Death is part of life, I died, so will you. So will everyone.

“I HAVE BOUND THE CREATOR OF LIFE IN MY BASEMENT! WHAT RIGHT HAS DEATH OVER ME??!!!”

I sighed. I could simply wait here until you’re dead, I certainly have time.

Midas grinned nastily. “If I don’t let you out of there while I’m alive, you’ll stay there forever. You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

I growled. Fine. If it is in my power, I’ll grant your blasted wish. What service may I do you?

Midas actually brightened up like he’d just heard he was actually getting a Hearths’ Warming present this year. He cleared his throat. “I wish to live forever, and to rise above all others as the brightest star in Equis.”

I grinned, showing off too many teeth. Technically, that’s a run-on wish, but I can do that…

The shackles dropped of my wrists and I rubbed the feeling back into them. I bowed hammily. Your wish is my command! I snapped my fingers.

Midas was surprised to find himself floating in space, not anywhere near a planet. “What’s happening?”

Your wish!

The years began to reverse themselves for Midas, his white hair shortening and turning back to its former electric blue color. His scrawny body bulked up with muscle and the skin under his fur became less wrinkled as his fur became a muted blue. The changes were internal as well, and within a minute Midas was no longer a dying elder, but a stallion in his prime.

He kicked his legs in joy, tumbling over before he managed to right himself. “Ha-ha! YES!!! YOUNG!!!” He stopped, and his body spasmed slightly. His tongue lolled out as a burst of pleasure worked through him. “Nnggh! Feels … SO good! Feels warm…” He glanced at me. “What are you doing? Why do I feel so good?”

I grinned wickedly, my new wings unfurling and spreading out. You wished to live forever as the brightest star in Equis. I’m giving you exactly what you asked for.

“What?! Ngggh…” he panted happily. “I … No! NO!!!” he shouted as he realized what I meant.

Too late, even I can’t undo it now. You obviously never heard to be careful what you wish for.

“PLEASE! STOP THIS!!! Uhhh-hmmm… Nggh… Don’t stop!” he moaned in ecstasy as wave after wave of pleasure shot through him.

Cracks appeared in his body and bright light shone through them. I closed all of my eyes and fought back a memory of the last time I’d seen something like that. I could still smell the snow and the blood that wasn’t quite blood.

I opened my eyes and saw that it was almost time. I teleported over a thousand miles away and put on a pair of sunglasses. A distant speck erupted, and soon a white star that was almost close enough to touch appeared, pulsing gently.

I sighed. He couldn’t hear me, but… That was very foolish of you. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your tale is passed down through the ages. Stories live forever, after all, and that’s what you wanted.

I teleported back to his basement lab and explored the building. He was the only occupant, and it was miles away from the nearest village. Good.

I collected all of his work and notes, placed them neatly in a pile on the floor, and carefully burned his house to the ground. I watched the blaze from a nearby forest. The irises in the eyes on my wings were glowing red. My teeth were drawn back, and I was running claws along the trees, leaving deep cracks. NO ONE will bind me again! I snarled. I then disappeared.

Not that I was obsessively counting down to when Discord would be free, (I would have counted to the day or even the second if I knew it), but I had a rough idea of when things might start leading to the show. If that even happened, since I was about 70% sure this was an alternate universe, although it had followed the script so far.

One century to go! In terms of science and technology, Equis as a whole was at about 1900. The year as measured on Equis was 1,238 A.H. (After Hearths’ Warming). I remembered that cars would be in the future from my TARDIS trip. I was surprised that they chose to use biodiesel instead of oil made of recycled dinosaurs, but that would help keep pollution down, so that was good. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to whack the atmosphere back into shape in a century. The telephone had also been invented, although mail was still preferred, and Celestia still sent dragon-fire mail rather than calling. I could understand why.

I considered learning how to drive, had flashbacks of my death, and decided to stick to walking, public transport, and teleportation. Yeah, I was still afraid of cars. At least I couldn’t die a second time. I’d rather not discuss how I discovered that, it’s embarrassing.

I had a house in the hills of San Franciscolt, with a bedroom for me, a larger bedroom for Alexis and Apep to share, a decent kitchen, and a craft room/library in the attic. I didn’t need a house, I had my realm, but … it was nice to have something in one of my favorite spots in the world that stayed there. I used it as a summer home to hit the beach. I’d built the house a few hundred years ago, when San Franciscolt wasn’t quite a city yet. All I’d had to do was buy a plot of land, which was easy enough. The house was known as “Spider House,” and even though it was in good shape, everyone in San Franciscolt knew it was haunted. The reasons for both should be obvious. I had to remember not to stay in one “alias” for more than a few decades, but that wasn’t too hard.

I was rather surprised that San Franciscolt was like San Francisco in yet another way, it was the starting point of the gay rights movement. This version of Equestria wasn’t quite a Reversed Gender Roles universe, but mares tended to hold more political office, and “coltcuddlers” weren’t exactly welcomed historically.

I wasn’t political enough to attend a protest, but I supported where I could in town council meetings and the like. When ponies realized that the stallions were serious, I dropped by Celestia’s castle. Unexpectedly, of course, like always.

Celestia was startled by my sudden appearance, but luckily, she wasn’t in the middle of an important meeting or in the bath. “Oh, Arachnos, I-” She glanced at my wings. “Those are new…” Celestia hadn’t seen me since before the incident with Midas, although a few years before she had invited me to Hearths’ Warming dinner. We had goose. I wasn’t amused, but it tasted fantastic.

I shrugged. I can’t get rid of them in this form. I understand they can scare other people.

“What can I do for you?”

Are you aware of the movements in San Franciscolt and across the country of coltcuddlers demanding equal rights with straight stallions? Mostly they want protection from discrimination and violence.

She nodded. “I have heard yes. Why?”

I’d like you to write laws granting that protection, as a favor to me and to them. Please, it’s important to me. I haven’t asked for very many favors. I know this will earn you political backlash, but I think it’s the right choice.

Celestia looked at me. “Are you a -?”

Coltcuddler? I asked with a grin. No, but people tend to think I am. I used to be offended, now I just find it funny. I’m asking because I think discrimination against anyone is wrong, and if we can make laws to help prevent it, we should.

Celestia nodded. “I can see your point; I’ll see what I can do. It won’t be overnight; you have to understand that.”

I do. Changing laws can be a lengthy process. There are other groups besides coltcuddlers and fillyfriends I’d like protected as well; it's quite a broad spectrum. May I discuss it with you? If you’re not busy at the moment.

Celestia grinned. “I’m always busy, you know that, but yes. I can spare about an hour for lunch. Would you like some?”

Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

The laws didn’t change overnight, and Celestia did face massive backlash for the laws I’d helped to create, but she agreed that it was the right thing to do and stood by her principles.

Three years later, I was watching the first ever gay pride parade in San Franciscolt. Almost everyone was buzzing with excitement, I was happy to have helped make this possible.

There was a slight downside. In order to be considered indecent on Equis, you had to be wearing clothes that exposed you a bit. Not all clothes were provocative, but some were, and a few of the outfits making their way down the street made me chuckle and avert my eyes. I’d forgotten leather harnesses were a thing.

It was going well until I heard a voice from the sidewalk shout, “FILTH! ABOMINATIONS! PERVERTS OF NATURE! THE WEAVER WILL NOT STAND FOR YOUR DEVIANCE! HE WILL CONDEMN YOU ALL!!!”

I glanced at the source of the shouting and found an older stallion struggling to get through a small police blockade, practically foaming at the mouth. Now, prejudice is just built into some people, and there was nothing I could do about it, but you use MY name to do something like that? That pushed a few of my buttons.

A shadow in the shape of a spider appeared on the sun, a beam of light snapped on and centered itself on the bigot, and a voice spake: Actually, I have no issue whatsoever with this. I do have an issue with what you are doing and would very much appreciate it if you STOPPED RIGHT NOW. Oh, and I know what you did Tuesday.

The stallion whimpered and ran away. I didn’t have the slightest idea what he’d done Tuesday, but everyone does something wrong every day, his just appeared to be pretty bad. I grinned toothily and dispensed with the special effects.

The parade had paused and everypony was staring in shock. The parade then erupted into cheers and several ponies threw their hats into the air. I chuckled. “You’re welcome,” I muttered.

One afternoon years later I was in a science museum in Manehatten and saw a crowd eagerly looking at a presentation a stallion in a lab coat was in the middle of. I joined the back of the crowd. An enormous rectangular machine was behind him, covered in flashing lights, with what looked l like giant tape recorders built into it. A feed of paper was coming out of a small slot.

“Yes, this marvel of science is capable of mathematical operations at speeds much faster, and answers much more accurate than ponies are capable of doing on their own! Because it computes numbers so well, my colleagues and I call it a “computer!” he said proudly. The crowd oohed and awed appreciatively.

I raised a hoof. “Uh, yes?” he said uncertainly.

“Do you have a rough estimate of when we can expect the internet?” I asked.

He blinked. “The what now?”

“Sorry. Something I’m both looking forward to and dreading. Congratulations, by the way, you’ve helped advance science in leaps and bounds, and started to help society in ways you can’t picture yet.”

“Um, thank you,” he said uncertainly.

I walked away, contemplating what the future would bring.

I’d been minding my business when I could feel a magical anomaly opening in Manehatten. I quickly got there and noticed a vortex of storm clouds centered over what appeared to be a portal opening above a skyscraper. Gigantic tentacles were starting to emerge from the portal. Ponies were fleeing the building in terror and crowds were staring in shock. I sighed wearily and ran into the building. I pressed the “Up” elevator button. The elevator dinged open to reveal not the inside of a car, but the inside of a sharp-toothed mouth with a tongue that lolled out. The elevator let out a low growling sound.

Uh, no thanks, I’ll get the next one, I said, frantically pressing the button. The doors shut.

I headed towards the stairs. I opened the door to spot a charred skeleton as flames roared towards the door. I slammed the door shut.

BLOODY ELDER GODS! I roared. I headed out of the building, shapeshifted into a giant spider, and headed up the outside of the building. Think they can just kick a door open into a universe and take over, I grumbled. Well not today Jack!

After a few minutes I made it to the roof, grateful spiders are fast. I was surprised to see a blue phone box parked in a corner. I shapeshifted back into a pony.

“Oh! Weyan’a!” came a voice. I spotted Doctor Whooves.

What’s up, doc? I asked with a grin.

“Some sort of eldritch being is breaking into our universe,” he said.

I can see that. We both waited, the tentacles dangling further down.

“It’s funny,” the Doctor said.

What is?

He laughed. “We seem to get together mostly when the world’s about to end.”

You’d know better than me. Anyway, who else are you going to call?

The being finally spoke. LE͚̝͌͌SSE̪̽R̫̯̍͡ ̻͗F̣̍Ĺ͎̙̕Ȩ̰̓͠SH̫̄E͗͢S,̣͌̏͢ Ý͈̈́ͅÖ͔̹͐U̧͎͆͛R͓̞̓̕ T͕̖̓̿Ḯ̟̜͘M͈̾E͎̍ ̦̙̔̄I̖̋S̮̐ ̤̊OV̡̠͆̚E̛̮͎̽Ṟ͐.̡̿ ͇̃T̩̹͐͠H̨͋E̤͐ ̝̈́AG̣̞̓̔Ě̮ ̉ͅȎ̢F̥͂-̰̿

OI! SQUIDFACE! I shouted. The being stopped, shocked that someone would dare interrupt it. I made this universe, and I’ve put way too much work into it for you to break in and trash the place like some kind of eldritch frat boy! People have died because of you! SO GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!!

The being paused. A̜͋Ŗ͓̎̅E̟͌ ̱̝̾̚YŐ̧͙̓Ų̽ Ä́͢͞ͅ ͉̄G͈͑Ǒ̮͜͠D?̧̠̍̈ ̖̋ it asked in a mocking tone.

I don’t know where the surge of confidence came from, but I knew that I could wipe the floor with this jerk, especially if he actually came through.

YES! I shouted.

The nearest tentacle reached down and touched my head. There was the sound of horrified eldritch screaming, the tentacles quickly pulled back into the portal, the portal snapped shut, and life returned to normal.

The Doctor stared at me in shock. “What did you do?!!”

I showed him how “eager” some creatures are to meet beings with gigantic tentacles, I said grimly. Pretty sure I scarred him for life.

“What? I – Oh!” the Doctor said, blushing.

Eeyup. Mind you, anybody who would actually do that is a sucker.

The Doctor winced at the pun. He pointed to the crowds below. “You know, there are creatures down there who are some of the nicest people you could ever meet who would happily grind you into dog food while still alive for a pun that bad.”

I considered it. Really? Wow. That’s ruff.

The Doctor charged towards me screaming at the top of his lungs, tackled me, and we both tumbled off the tallest building in Manehatten. My day was looking up! It’s not every day one of my friends falls for me.

There wasn’t long to go before the thousand years were up, about thirty years. I wasn’t sure of the Mane Six’s exact ages, but I knew they were in their early to mid-twenties when the show started.

I followed Twilight’s family, actually managing to be subtle for once in my life. Shining Armor was a bright and happy baby, but I didn’t know how much older he was than Twilight. At least five years.

There was something unusual that happened before Twilight’s birth was due. I once again got the feeling that there was somewhere I was supposed to be. I both dreaded that feeling and looked forward to it.

This time I was pulled towards the Badlands, and stood on the boarder of Changeling territory, looking at the Hive. Go in there! the feeling nudged, it’s urgent!

I sighed. I knew better than to ignore this when it happened, but I wasn’t exactly eager to visit the Changelings, and I really didn’t want to wind up stranded in the Hive with no magic.

I tried casting a small spell through the boarder. To my surprise, it didn’t dissipate after a few feet. I guess I could still use magic, even near Chrysalis’s throne. I agreed with Discord that that was a pretty far walk, so I turned invisible and teleported. Even invisible I knew I could be spotted, Changelings could sense any emotion, not just love, and I was radiating nervousness.

To my shock, there didn’t seem to be anyling around, and I wasn’t jumped the minute I appeared.

The feeling was leading me around to what I supposed was the back of the Hive, if there was a back of a roughly circular structure. I heard the kind of sniffling that meant someone was trying to cry as quietly as possible.

Sitting on a rock was a Changeling grub, “crying” silently. He was honestly pretty cute, he looked like he was wearing a cocoon with his head and little legs sticking out.

This is where I’m supposed to be? I thought in confusion. I then spotted what was making him cry, his left hoof was split open, blue blood oozing between his pudgy fingers. That had to hurt.

I sighed. Normally I didn’t like children at all, but a grub crying with no one caring tugged at even my frozen heart. I didn’t want to spook him by being invisible, so I changed into how the Changelings pictured me.

In Changeling mythology, I looked strange. I looked almost exactly like the Pony of Shadows, who I still thought of as Stygian, but instead of being made of living shadow, I was made out of soft rainbow fire. My aura whenever I used magic was rainbow colored, so I suppose that’s why I had those colors.

I carefully walked over to the grub.

Hello, I said carefully in Changeish. The grub looked at me in shock. I’m Calbrax, I said with a grin. Changelings didn’t see me as being as kind as other races did. Calbrax meant “devouring fire,” since if you got too close to me, you burned. Can I see that?

He held his hoof out. I touched it and bound it together, getting rid of any infections. Better? He nodded. I ran my hoof up his leg to see if there was any further damage. He twitched and giggled. My eyes narrowed and I grinned. Ticklish, huh?

I picked him up and started tickling his belly. Changeling grubs secreted mucus to help them get around, but I didn’t care. “EEEK!” he squealed, squirming desperately as he started to laugh.

Oh, yes, I am the father of tickle monsters! I proclaimed. He giggled. I didn’t want to assault him with tickles too much, so I stopped soon. I booped his nose. Beep! He laughed again. I thought I saw a thread-thin flash of red, but it was gone in less than a second. Weird.

A voice from inside the Hive startled me so much I nearly dropped him. “THORAX!!! GET BACK IN HERE!”

Huh, his name was Thorax. I placed him on the ground. He looked back at me and whined slightly. I sighed, and gently pushed him towards the entry hole. He’d have to go through while it was still open. Go on, it’ll be OK… He slithered towards the Hive and went inside. I’d turned invisible before anyling could see me. I then teleported away.

Huh. I wonder why I had to do that. That actually felt … good! I could feel that I was grinning like an idiot, I had no idea why.

In my long life I’d made many mistakes and failures, but few made the “My Greatest Failures” list. This did. I was in my realm, knitting and watching What’s Up Doc?, quoting along with my favorite parts. I then dropped my knitting. Oh no! Something was going catastrophically wrong somewhere. Planet-destroying wrong.

I teleported to where the feeling was and found myself looking at Gallopfrey. Green lines of magic encircled the planet, making it look like an illustration of an atom. The Citadel glowed so brightly it hurt to look at. I got down there. I could hear chanting, and the air was so charged with magic my fur stood on end. I walked into a large chamber and saw twelve Time Lord mages collectively casting a spell. The same thing seemed to be happening in the other three cities on Gallopfrey. I saw a sheet of paper; I glanced at it and saw it was an incredibly complicated formula for a spell. I could read and think very quickly.

They couldn’t hear me, but I snarled, OH, YOU IDIOTS!!! At this point, the spell was almost cast, even if I interrupted the casting, it would likely just complete itself. I couldn’t undo it, either. I didn’t know what to do!

Right, preserve what I can. I teleported to the Museum of History. I found what I was looking for in a glass case. It was a small black sphere that looked vaguely technological. It was the Encyclopedia Gallopfreya, and it contained a complete history of the Time Lords and their technology. The case was tricky to unlock, but it’s amazing what you can do with a summoned brick and super strength.

Alarms started blaring. Guards ran into the room. “Halt in the name of - Weyan’a?!!” the lead guard asked in shock. “What are you doing? That’s theft!”

It’s the preservation of a culture, I growled. You’ll be worse than dead in about twenty minutes, so I’m doing what I can. Get out of my way.

He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

Then you can go sleeping. The guards all passed out, snoring gently.

I was startled, someone was praying to me, for once in my life I could tell. I teleported to where it was. I saw a mother and father mumbling frantic prayers, a small brown foal between them.

Yes? What do you want, there’s no time!!!

They looked up and saw me. “Can you save him?!” the mother asked frantically.

Who?

“Our son! You can’t save all of us, but please, just save one person!”

You aren’t going along with this?

The father shook his head. “This was the President’s idea, and he wouldn’t listen to anyone who pointed out its flaws. Most everyone thinks it’s an amazing idea. We know better.”

I looked at the foal. I’ll save him, I promise. Can you put him to sleep? I don’t want him to see this.

The mother nodded. She picked him up and kissed his forehead. “If you don’t remember anything else, remember that we love you, brave one.” She touched her head to his, and his eyes fluttered closed.

I grabbed him and just ran. I remembered where they kept the TARDISes. I ran in, desperately searching for a way out. One of the TARDISes was unlocked. I ran in and slammed the door closed. I noticed that this was an antique, and a Type 40 as well. I gently set the sleeping foal down and ran to the console. I set the coordinates and took off.

The TARDIS materialized hanging in space. It was close enough to see Gallopfrey with the doors open, but far enough away to hopefully be out of the blast zone. I was frantically casting protection spells on the TARDIS and the foal, there was going to be a hell of a paradox in here soon.

Gallopfrey shimmered and rippled, and slowly faded out of existence. I’d never seen something go so horribly right. What had happened wasn’t what was intended, but it was exactly what they were trying to do. They should have realized that. I slammed the door in disgust.

I turned back to the foal. He had a light brown coat and the beginnings of a spikey mane and was crying quietly in his sleep. I stepped over to him, and gently linked our minds. This was the ultimate invasion of privacy, but I wanted to learn more about who the last remaining Time Lord was. I gently shifted through his memories, trying not to wake him. He was very young, but it seemed that his whole life, he’d defended the weaker and helped everyone he could in any way he could. He also had a decent knack for inventing for being around five, that made me chuckle.

No matter what he’d done, he’d done it to make others better. I planted thoughts in his mind. The title “Doctor” means “wise stallion,” “healer,” or “the stallion who makes people better.” That is what you do, that is who you are, and so that is the title I give you. You’re going to have to do a lot of running to get where you want to go. But it will be fantastic, and so will you. Rest well.

I stood up and sighed. I’m not sure how, but I suppose that could have gone worse in some way…

It was at that point the console exploded.

The TARDIS hurtled through space, the coordinate setter ticking frantically. I ran to try and stop it, but the whole room tilted, and I fell out the door, hanging on by my fingertips. I glanced at where we were headed. I recognized Equestria from the air, and that seemed to be Ponyville. We weren’t traveling in time, just space. The angle of our flight changed, and we swooped over the town.

I heard a bell ringing loudly, looked up, and whimpered, crossing my hindlegs. I was anatomically correct, for no other reason than not to stand out, and Oh, God, why did the schoolhouse have a giant spear on the weathervane?!!! I closed my eyes and concentrated. A switch on the burning console flipped, and we swooped up, the spear narrowly missing my stallionhood. We sailed over the Everfree, and I could tell we were heading down quickly. I half pulled myself up and half slithered back inside. Thankfully the very young Doctor (WHY HADN’T I KNOWN WHO HE WAS?!!!) was no worse for wear, although we were about to crash. I curled around him protectively, and the whole room rumbled and shook as we hit the dirt.

Well, we couldn’t stay in here! I set the ventilators to pull the smoke out and ran from the room, carrying the Doctor on my back. A key on a string appeared around my neck, and the door slammed shut behind us and locked itself.

I concentrated and cast a high-level spell, and the residents of Ponyville forgot about our flight over their town. The crater around the TARDIS was smoking, but the Everfree would heal. Ponies never came into the Everfree unless they desperately needed something, but just to be safe, I folded space around the TARDIS so that it disappeared into a pinch in space. No one but me would be able to get to it. I swayed slightly. Between the adrenaline rush, the surge of extreme emotions, and the massive amounts of magic I’d been doing to keep the Doctor safe, I was going to collapse soon.

I fought through it and struggled towards the town, locating the orphanage. The last time I’d carried an unconscious foal on my back into an orphanage, he’d conquered a kingdom and made ponies’ lives hell. Sombra wasn’t all pony, but neither was the Doctor. I had a feeling the Doctor would be different.

The mare in charge gasped when she saw us. Between pants I said, “I found him in the woods. He doesn’t have any family left. I can’t raise him, and this is a good town for him to grow up in. Can you please take care of him?” I started to buckle under his weight.

She quickly pulled him off of me. “His name’s the Doctor,” I managed to get out.

“Doctor who?” she asked in confusion.

“Doctor Whooves,” I said with a grin. “Anypony going around calling themselves Doctor Who would be silly. He has two hearts, but it’s nothing to worry about. … I have to go,” I said, starting to sway, “I’ll check on him in a while.”

Ignoring her protests, I ran out of the room, and managed to make it back to the Everfree. The world span, and I hit the dirt as everything went black.

I woke up to the sound of a TARDIS humming, and found myself in a Console Room. It was a bit steampunkish, which I loved.

A voice said, “So. Now you know.”

I looked and saw the Doctor, as an adult. I guess he’d found me and brought me in. I’m so sorry! There was nothing I could –

He held a hoof up to silence me. “I don’t hold it against you. I will, for a brief while, but you’ll explain to me what happened. I’ll understand. To spoil things, you’ll actually be a godfather of sorts to me,” he said with a grin. “You’ve been asleep there for twelve hours, and you were mumbling, screaming, and crying in your sleep. I’m sure you’ll need to eat a lot to recharge. I understand you have a castle somewhere out there, but I can’t go there. Is there anywhere else I can take you?”

San Franciscolt, I have a house there. I can find my way from anywhere in the city.

He nodded, pulled a few switches, and the TARDIS made a groaning wheezing sound as we took off. He grinned. “You always make fun of me for driving with the brake on, but it’s stuck that way. So is the Chameleon Circuit. I don’t mind, actually.” The TARDIS thumped. “Here we are. Good luck!”

I nodded. I’ll visit you soon. The present you, I mean. Well, my present. Time travel’s confusing…

“I expect you to!” he yelled as I walked out. The TARDIS took off again.

I sighed and caught a tram to my neighborhood. I was too tired to conjure up food, but I had some bits at Spider House, so that was useful. I went into my favorite all-you-can-eat restaurant and ate as much as I could, which was about twenty double-full plates, to the staff’s shock. I payed them three times as much as it cost to eat there, since no one ate that much. I felt better, but I’d need more rest.

I went back to Spider House, crawled into bed, and passed out. The Doctor had been right, I really was crying in my sleep.

Well, it was Delivery Day. The fate of Equestria hinged on this (and several future) moment(s).

Twilight Velvet was busy giving birth. Night Light was allowed to be in the room with her, but Shining Armor wasn’t. He was busy playing a hoof-held video game in the waiting room. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but that would cause more complications than I wanted to think about. I went back to scraping gum off the wall. I was disguised as a janitor, in 90% of cases that allowed me to infiltrate a building, since most people wouldn’t talk to you.

Eventually a nurse came out. “Shining? Would you like to meet your brother?”

I dropped my tool. Your WHAT NOW?!

Shining headed into the delivery room, I followed invisibly.

Twilight Velvet looked tired, but she was happily holding a swaddled-up foal. The foal looked exactly like Twilight Sparkle, except for the obvious fact he was male. Huh, I thought.

Shining put his forehooves on the bed and peered at the teeny bundle of joy excitedly.

“Well, Shining, this is your brother, Dusk Shine!” Night Light said proudly.

“I promise I’ll be the best big brother ever!” Shining swore proudly.

I laughed and decided I had intruded on this scene enough. I vanished.

So, Dusk is male. That’s not so bad. I wonder if his hopefully friends have been born? It took me a few tries to remember where the Mane Six had been born, but they had all been born, Dusk was the youngest, even if just by a few months. I was rather shocked by the time I was done.

I was hanging in space, my mouth open. The Mane Six are all dudes?!! I asked in shock. I sighed. Well, that’s not too bad. I – My eyes widened. Oh, no. This is horrible! I conjured up what looked like a conspiracy theorist’s mood board. I facepawed. Arrgh! None of my ships work now!!!

Apep popped into existence with a wicked grin. “You know, you could just make them all ga-”

I flicked him away. NO. If I can’t interfere in free will, I’m pretty sure I can’t change somepony’s sexuality.

“Can anybody magically make somepony gay?”

I thought about it. Braeburn, I’m pretty sure, even if he doesn’t mean too. That’ll be interesting to see.

Alexis joined the conversation. “So … what are your ships? Keep in mind you can’t force them to happen!”

I nodded. Well, my OTPs are Fluttercord and Spirax. Everyone else, I’m honestly not sure. I’ve never been sure about Applejack; Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich go together well, and were even a canon couple; I kind of ship Twilight with Sombra, maybe Flash, although the fandom kinda hates that, and I’ve read some really good Discolight fics although I don’t think that would work; Rarity could maybe go with Fancypants, I have no idea; and Rainbow I am torn equally between Soarin And Quibblepants, although he wound up with someone else. Like I said, none of those really work now, unless lots of ponies actually are at least bi, I said with a laugh. Oh, well, it’s their lives, not mine.

The next day I was sitting outside a café in Canterlot, sipping a mug of hot chocolate and reading the paper. The weather was perfect for the next week, the comics were funny, the crossword was challenging enough I couldn’t find the last word, and the stock market was incomprehensible as always, but seemed to be going up.

I sighed. I was worried about Dusk. I was the most like him, I’d always thought, and I didn’t want him to be an antisocial shut in his entire life or wind up with frighteningly bad OCD.

“If only there was some way I could keep an eye on him over his formative years,” I mused. “Without being rightfully arrested for stalking a foal,” I added with an eye roll.

It was then I saw the help wanted ads.

Adder's Fork, Blind-Worm's Sting, & Cherry-Flavored Cola

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I sighed and looked in the mirror. This has bad idea written alllll ooooveeer it…

Staring back at me was an earth pony with blue eyes and a brown mane tied into a ponytail. My fur all over was the same cherry red as my right forehoof, and I had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. I was wearing a pair of outdated glasses. I didn’t need them to see, but I felt it added to the character.

I sighed again. I’d been wondering how to solve this, then realized I already had the answer. Time travel still gave me a headache. “OK, your name is Maroon Flask. You grew up in Califoalnia, where you studied potions. You were passing through Canterlot and saw the ad in the paper, and this seemed like the amazing opportunity it is.”

I gave myself the once-over again. “OK. Fur: combed. Mane: Passable. Teeth: brushed. Bowtie: cool. Barebones resumé: in hoof. … Here goes everything. Besides, it’s not like I’ll get the job!” I said with a laugh as I locked my front door. I ducked into an alley and teleported to Canterlot.

I glanced up at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Didn’t you tell Celestia you’d never teach here? Alexis asked from inside my mind.

I nodded. Yes, but that was almost a thousand years ago, and you can change your mind thousands of times in a month. Anyway, maybe I can help Dusk. A job would be good for me, I need something to do. I’m bored. Anyway, like I said, it’s not like I’ll actually get this job, I thought as I pointed to a line of nervous but hopeful applicants stretching out of a door. Any one of them are infinitely more qualified than I am.

Yes, but you’ve been practicing for much longer then they have, Apep thought with a grin.

Yes, I’ll be sure to mention that ‘Maroon Flask’ has been making potions for over a thousand years, I thought with an eye roll.

I seemed to be the last applicant; nobody joined the line behind me. I was finally called up. Celestia’s secretary Raven Inkwell looked at me. She didn’t mean to be rude, but it was obviously the end of a long day and her nerves were frayed. “Name?”

“Maroon Flask.”

She jotted it down. “Resumé?” I passed it over. She didn’t look impressed, but it wasn’t impressive in any way. “Right. Go ahead when you’re ready.”

My nerves catching up with me, I walked in, and I nearly ran away when I saw Celestia sitting at the other end of the room. It was her school, why hadn’t I thought she’d hire the teachers?! I started having a panic attack. This was stupid, there was no way this would work! She’d know what I was right away, and I’d be laughed out of the room.

I took a deep breath. I’d come this far, might as well finish it. I walked over. There were two of the Royal Guard in the corners, presumably as bodyguards. They weren’t glaring at me, that was a start.

Celestia radiated benevolent calm, as always. I couldn’t imagine the strain that not being able to appear upset would cause someone over the centuries. I pushed that thought aside. Job interview. Eye contact!

“Hello, Mr.-?”

“Maroon Flask, Your Highness.”

“Nice to meet you. Why do you want to teach potions at this school?”

I thought about it. To my surprise, my lie had a great deal of truth to it. “The students at this school are the brightest and the best in Equestria. No matter what career path they choose, any of them can influence the world in ways I can’t picture. They can be a force for great good, or great evil. Teaching students with that kind of potential would be a great honor. In my own small way, I’d have helped shape the future of Equestria, and hopefully helped others along the way”

I grinned. “You might have noticed my lack of horn. I’m an earth pony, but I can do things with potions that would impress your top students. Potions are often overlooked as a ‘valid’ form of magic by unicorns, if I can, I’d like to change that. I’d also like to show that not only unicorns can be gifted in their type of magic, but that any creature can. I’ve … got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that,” I admitted with a grin. “I’m not going to burst into singing I Believe the Children Are Our Future, though,” I said, my grin widening slightly. “I believe it to an extent, but I’m not the bursting into song type. Anyway, I can’t carry a tune.”

Celestia seemed amused, but it was hard to tell under her masterful poker face. “Well, thank you for your honesty. I ask all of the applicants to demonstrate their skills, if that’s all right with you?”

I gave an amused snort. I was being interviewed for a job in her school, and she made it sound like the requirement to show that I knew what I was doing was a personal favor to her. “Of course.”

A simple set of potion ingredients and tools was wheeled out in front of me. “I know it’s a rush, but I can only spare each applicant 5 minutes to make something. If you’re good enough to teach here, you can impress me in that time,” she said with an encouraging smile.

I nodded, and she flipped over a timer on the ground next to her. I glanced at the ingredients my mind whirling. In five minutes, this set would normally make a tooth fixing potion, but …

I first poured in the rainbow and quickly diced the mint leaves. I ground up a dried stag beetle and poured the dust in. Celestia’s head tilted in confusion, I wasn’t following the recipe. Next came lemon rind, a bit of starshine, a crushed pearl, and lastly water from a spring. The mixture fizzed and started to gently pulse with green light. I poured it into a flask and held it out to one of the guards.

He looked uncomfortable. I grinned. “If I was going to poison you, I would have the decency to not do it to your face.” He looked apprehensive, but Celestia nodded and he took a drink. There was a blinding flash of light. There was a loud clattering sound as his armor fell off. When the stars cleared from our eyes, he dropped his spear in surprise. Instead of a grey earth pony, a pegasus was standing in front of me. Aside from the addition of wings and feathers above his horse tail, he looked identical. Growing a large set of wings had burst his armor off of him.

My grin widened. “Sadly, that’s only good for an hour, but if your boss grants you permission, I hear flight is an indescribable experience if you’ve never done it before,” I said glancing at Celestia. “Maybe he could have an hour’s break?”

Celestia chuckled and nodded. “Go for it Bright Shield.”

As he ran out of the room in glee, I shouted, “Remember, that’s 50 minutes and then the wings disappear, so FOR GOD’S SAKE, LAND BEFORE THEN!!!”

The other guard yelped as something scuttled over his hoof. He glanced down and saw a large spider. He raised a hoof to smash it but was shocked as a red blur snatched it away. “Sorry about that,” I said, trying to calm it down. I looked at Celestia. “Thank you for this opportunity. I’m not expecting to get the job when there are so many other, more qualified applicants, but I enjoyed this.” I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted something down. “This is my email address, it’s the best way to reach me and let me down gently. Thank you again.” I gave a quick bow. Taking the spider with me, I walked out of the room.

Celestia grinned. She then began to chuckle, before it turned into hysterical laughter. The remaining guard stared at her in shock. When she’d managed to calm down, she said, “I wondered where you’d been the last few decades, I thought you’d given up on us. I think we’ll both enjoy this, O spider god. With all the years of practice you’ve put in, you’re the most knowledgeable about potions. You as a teacher should be interesting.” Her eyes widened. “Raven!” she called. Her faithful secretary walked into the room. “Make a note that I am setting aside funds for potential lawsuits regarding my new teacher. I don’t think he would cause harm, but he’s a bit accident prone, so better safe than sorry.” Raven nodded. Celestia began to chuckle again.

I stared in shock at the screen. How the – I stopped the swear in time. Did I get the job?!!! There had to be 30 other applicants, and that was on the last day!

Apep leaned on my head and grinned. “You’re going to be a teacher! In a school that combines middle school and high school,” the phrase a demonic snarl. He was smiling as he said it. “I’ve seen your memories of those happy, happy days. There’s no shame in bowing out now and running away to Prance.”

Oh, god… I sighed. You know how stubborn I am. I’ll stick it out. It’s only … 23 or four-ish years. I can put up with it that long, and maybe I won’t even murder my students! I said with a grin. I mean, it would be a good opportunity to learn how to deal with actual, real-life people. I – My eyes widened in horror. Oh, crap! I’m going to have to move to Canterlot! CANTERLOT!!! I screamed at the heavens in rage.

Alexis chuckled. “I’m pretty sure those pompous, upper-class piles of pus will mostly leave you alone. It’s just the parents you have to worry about. You’ve dealt with it before.”

Not for more than twenty years…

“Yes, for over twenty years. Cheer up! You get to mold young minds and show that a subject you love is a valid form of magic, and that earth ponies are as valid as unicorns,” Alexis said encouragingly. “You get to influence an entire generation! Including a pony who will hopefully one day lead Equestria!”

Sure, from 9-11:30 every weekday, Potions 2A from 1:30-3 two days a week, I said with a snort. How does a required class only have one period?!!

“Smaller school, and the students there literally study a bit of everything. There aren’t enough hours in the day for students to take potions twice. Anyway, you have to be at least 14 for 1A so you don’t burn down the school.”

I would never!

Alexis chuckled. “I didn’t mean – Actually, you get scary on Bad Days. Could you rein yourself in?”

… I’ll do my upmost to not cause death, injury or damage to property.

Apep chimed in. “You are the sort of person who would subtly curse someone you don’t like when their back is turned. I’m supposed to encourage that, but … You’re pretending to be an earth pony; you shouldn’t have anywhere near the amount of magic you have.” He thought. “Is there a way you could get rid of your magic, so you don’t misuse it and to blend in?”

I thought. In theory, yes. I snickered. Hark how the bells, all silver bells…

“Ah. I’d forgotten. That’d do it.”

I thought some more. I mean, I couldn’t get rid of all of it. I need it to function, and on some level it keeps the universe ticking. Anyway, if I got rid of my magic, you two wouldn’t be able to physically manifest, and I’m not having you two not driving me crazy for over twenty years, I said with a grin. Where else am I going to find the cutest gay wolf couple in this universe?

“I’M NOT GAY!!!” they both shouted.

My ears drooped. I’m so sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea of you being a couple. Please forgive me.

Alexis folded his arms. He pointed at himself with his tail. “In case you’ve forgotten, I can’t even HAVE – I wouldn’t WANT to anyway; where do you think I got THAT from? I just like him because he makes me laugh and we get along.”

Apep booped Alexis on the nose with his nose. “You might not have any ‘fun bits,’ dear, but you’re great in bed. You’re the best cuddler.”

I might throw up in my mouth. I’m sorry for assuming. If it’s any of my business, what are you two?

“Ace,” Alexis said with a shrug.

“I take after your son,” Apep said.

Ah. So your orientations are “Nope” and “Yes,” in that order.

“Pretty much,” Apep said with a grin.

Again, sorry. Right then. Let’s go get an apartment. I’m assuming you two cuddlesluts will want your own room?

“Yep!” Apep said with a grin.

“Did you have to put it like that?” Alexis groaned.

You two can’t go a night without being in each other’s arms. Anyway, I love threesomes with you guys!

Apep started to die laughing. Alexis sputtered.

The three of us cuddling! I said innocently with an evil grin. What did you think I meant?

“What did I ever do to deserve this?” Alexis groaned.

Apep and I shrugged. You’re cute and fluffy? I suggested. Apep nodded. With that, we headed out.

“So, what do you think?” the realtor asked as I looked at the front of the house. “For your budget and wish list, this is probably the best fit.”

I looked at it carefully. It was a bright yellow with a white picket fence and an overgrown garden and a wrap-around porch that begged for a set of rocking chairs. Lots of big windows, it seemed like a great house. “I was hoping to get an apartment, but this is nice! Can I see the inside?” He nodded and unlocked the door. I let out a whistle. “This is very nice!” I walked from room to room. It was perfect. “This is an amazing house, why is it so cheap?”

He gave a nervous grin. “No one’s lived here for almost twenty years.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, it’s nothing bad!” he said quickly, “People are just superstitious about the address.”

“The address?” I asked in confusion.

“666 Gate Way,” he explained, “The street number is-”

“Grogar’s number,” I finished. “It’s like the 13^th floor of a building, right?”

The realtor nodded. “It’s funny that people are still afraid of a creature of myth who died almost 2,000 years ago.”

“They said Grogar was defeated, but they never said he died,” I said with a grin. I glanced around the house once more. “I’ll take it,” I said firmly. “Let’s go back to your office and draw up the paperwork!”

I had bought a 3-room house and bought furniture and supplies to go in it. The master bedroom was mine; the second bedroom was for Apep and Alexis to share if they wanted to physically exist, and the 3^rd, smallest room was used for storage/crafts/a small library.

Apep and Alexis got a double bed to share because they tended to spend every night cuddling/spooning, and I got a very large bed in case all three of us wanted to spend a night cuddling together. Ponies didn’t wear many clothes, but I moved my scarf and bowtie collections in, and got the necessities for my kitchen, along with a few sofas, a rocking chair, a desk, and a TV and computer.

It didn’t feel homey yet, it just felt like a house with stuff I’d bought in it. It didn’t even feel like my stuff. Before I broke the house in, I had something important to do.

“Hey. So … I live here now. I’m not sure if dis towne is beg enough fer the both o’ us. I’ll be visiting you a lot more. I’m sure you don’t want that, but I will be. I’m sure you still hate me. I can understand that.” I sighed. “God, I would give anything to let you be able to talk back, even if it’s just to scream at me until you’re a little horse like the rest of the city. Heh. I can’t stop making puns even now,” I muttered. “I guess it’s a defense mechanism. Time didn’t go any faster for me than it did for you, but I’m not in my own personal Hell like you are. I forgave you a long time ago, I would have lashed out too, worse than you did. I guess neither of us are fit to handle our emotions well,” I said with a grin. I sighed. “I just want you to know I love you. I still love you. I never stopped loving you, I wish I could convince you of that. I’ll be back tomorrow. I got a job working for Kay-Kay believe it or not. I’ll let you know how it goes. See you soon!”

I got some odd looks for saying what could be interpreted as a love confession to a statue. I shrugged them off. He was my son for God’s sake, looking crazy was worth letting him know I still cared.

Right, I thought, I need to come up with textbooks, lesson plans, and 2 syllabi. I’ve got a lot of work to do, better get started tonight. I’m lucky I don’t need to sleep, I’m a teacher now, I wouldn’t be sleeping anyway… I gave a chuckle. Me. A teacher. Look out world, you’re in trouble now…

My first day of work, my future ~~victims~~ er, I mean students walked down into the basement. Potions was held in a classroom in the basement that looked like it had been turned into a bunker over the years. There was a good reason for that. Chemistry could cause explosions and noxious fumes, but Potions did it much worse when it did. In addition, the effects were magical. Luckily good ventilation had been put in.

They opened the door and saw me standing in front of my desk in a collar and bowtie, although I’d cut the ponytail off. It had been bugging me. I’d try again another time. “Morning!” I said cheerfully. “Come in!”

They filled in, still chatting.

The room was large and well-lit, and was set up like a chemistry lab, with work stations instead of desks, sinks and counters to clean and store supplies, and supply cupboards stretching around the room, along with a supply closet near my desk.

“No assigned seating; just take what’s comfortable. Store your belongings under the back counter in case of accidents, just a habit I want you to get into.” One everyone had gotten set up, I wrote my name on the blackboard in my slightly loopy cursive. “Right! Welcome to Potions 1A. I’m Professor Maroon Flask. The ‘Professor’ is at Celestia’s insistence, but you can call me Maroon or Mr. Flask.” I started walking around the room and handing out the syllabus. “This is the syllabus, I’m assuming you all know how to read, but I’ll be going over it anyway. Beneath that is a waiver that you have to sign because this is a potentially dangerous class. Just take it home and go over it with your parents or guardians and all of you sign it.”

“What if we don’t have a parent or a guardian?” called a voice. The entire class, including me turned to look. A snow-white unicorn with a light grey mane and green eyes slunk slightly in his seat, his face burning. “I live on my own, with some help from the government. I don’t want to talk about it.”

I nodded. “Sorry for prying into your business. Meet me after school in the library on a day that works for you, and I’ll go over it with you.” He nodded. “What’s your name?”

“Mask Note.”

“Nice to meet you. Stay with me after class and we’ll work out a time to meet up. Any other questions or concerns regarding the waiver?” The class was silent. “Going once … going twice … ok then. The first week is just lecture without labs, so the only way you could injure yourself is if your head hits your desk from falling asleep from boredom,” I said with a grin.

“Right, let’s get some ground rules out of the way,” I said as I walked up to the board. “You’ve noticed I’m an Earth Pony, teaching at a School for Gifted Unicorns. I have an excellent grasp of the subject and can teach it without the use of unicorn magic. Any of the three tribes, as well as many other races, can craft potions, and it might be an interesting experiment to perform on your own initiative to see how you do without magic or levitation. If I hear phrases such as ‘Hay Humper,’ ‘Dirt Pony,’ or ‘Muddyhooves,’ even if they’re not directed at me, even if it’s while I pass you in the hall, I will see to it that you’re expelled. The same goes for slurs against Pegasi. Got it?” They nodded. “You’ve also probably noticed the blackboard rather than the smartboard your other classes have. I’m that old-fashioned, but electronic fields can interfere with certain potions, and you do not want to drop your phone in your work, so I will have a stricter ‘no phone’ policy than your other teachers. You get one strike. That’s it. As with Chemistry, no food or drink except bottled water. Bring only the supplies you need for notes or your work out of your bag, in extreme cases we might have to evacuate the room in about a minute, so we’ll be running drills.

“Now that I’ve made myself sound like a monster; I hope you will enjoy this subject as much as I do and learn something as well. If not, you still need to pass it anyway. Sorry, not my rules. I’ll take roll, and then we’ll go over the syllabus and get started!” I said with a wide smile.

I met Mask Note early that week. “Thanks for meeting me, I’m sure you’re busy.”

He shrugged. “A little, but school’s important. It was hard to be accepted here, if I didn’t have a scholarship, I couldn’t go.”

“Well, I’m glad you get to be here, and I hope you find my class not to terrible.” I frowned. “If you don’t mind my asking, I’m kind of worried…”

He sighed. “I ran away from home a few years ago. My situation was … pretty bad. That’s an understatement. I managed to apply for citizenship in Equestria, and I became an emancipated minor. I miss my brothers and sisters a lot, but I hope to never meet my mother again.”

“Thanks. Well, to sum this thing up, it says that you’re taking a class that can have dangerous consequences if you’re not careful, but if you follow directions you should be safe. If an accident occurs and it’s your fault, you give up the right to sue us, but if it’s our fault, you can still sue. I’ll go over each clause with you, and then you can sign it in front of me. Mask Note is kind of an unusual name, isn’t it?”

“So’s Maroon Flask,” he said with a grin.

“Touché.”

“I’m a theater kid, I’m good at singing and putting on different masks.”

“Maybe I can see you in something. OK, the very first part says-”

The first week went well. To my surprise, the students actually seemed interested in the subject. It took me a while to warm up to people, people I didn’t know tended to scare me for a few months, but my coworkers seemed very nice, and each was as passionate about their subject as I was. The school accepted students starting at the age of 8 to the age of 18, and almost all of them went on to college. The school was famous for many of its alumni going on to excel in their chosen fields.

One morning in mid-September I was having my students make a simple sleeping potion. Easy recipe, harmless potion, very unlikely to explode. Unfortunately, there was the “human” equation. I was surveying the students. A grey colt stirred his potion with a look of intense concentration. Once he was satisfied it was stirred, he moved his spoon to place it on the table, taking a quick taste as he did so, not even thinking about it. There was a “THUD” as he hit the floor.

“Oh, good grief.” I dashed over and slapped him awake. He jumped awake with a shout and I pulled him to his hooves. “You cook?” I asked. He looked at me with confusion. “You just tasted your soup or your sauce without thinking about it,” I said with a grin. “It’s a habit of people who cook a lot.”

He nodded. “It’s my talent,” he said, pointing at the cast iron skillet that adorned his flanks.

“Good for you. Right! Everyone!” I called. “That’s a good lesson for all of you! NEVER TASTE A POTION UNLESS YOU’RE 115% CERTAIN IT’S SAFE!!!!” I shouted. “You’re lucky I don’t teach poisons. OK, let’s get back to work!”

The last Friday in October I wrapped up my lecture for my 1A class. “One last thing: do any of you have any food allergies at all?” The class looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Great! See you Monday! Have a great weekend!” The fact that every class my students streaked out the door still kind of hurt, but it was due to intense schedules instead of not liking me. I think. Mostly. Now to plot…

My class was surprised to find the door to my class shut but unlocked and the lights out on Monday morning. One of them flicked the switch. Several students screamed. The room looked like a Halloween store had exploded in it. My desk had somehow been replaced with a casket, which hadn’t been easy or cheap. A projector was sitting on top of it, along with a large screen in the front of the room. The supplies had been carefully packed away. In the front of the room a cauldron simmered with a bubbling lime green liquid that smoked. Plastic cubs were in neat stacks around it, and a ladle stuck out of it. Above the casket a spiderweb spelled out, “Happy Nightmare Night!” Spiders are terrible spellers, so it had taken them 3 tries, but bless them for putting in so much work. Paper ghosts and skeletons hung on streamers from the ceiling, and the walls were splattered with fake blood stickers. What had made everyone scream was the fact that the entire room was crawling with hundreds of harmless spiders. A large constrictor snake lazily slithered across the floor at the back of the room.

The back counter was the second thing to catch everyone’s eye, it was covered in platters. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, roasted pumpkin seeds, rice krispies stuck together with marshmallows, lemon bars, pecan pie bars, a very large worms and dirt cake designed to look like a graveyard, caramel apples, apple pie, the stacks of fall-themed treats were enormous. A sign read, “Spider Bake Sale. All proceeds go to real spiders! ^^” I hadn’t been much of a baker when I was alive, but I’d had a long time to practice, and was … decent. I knew I’d never been one of those astonishing bakers you saw on tv or Pinterest, even with all the practice in the world.

“Well, are you going to take your seats?” I asked from behind my students, making some of them jump since I made no noise when I walked. They stared at my outfit. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and my face was painted to look like a smiling skull. I was wearing a threadbare blue hoodie with white fur trim over an undershirt that the hoodie was open to show. A pair of pink fuzzy slippers guarded my back feet. “Well?” I asked.

The students quickly got to their seats. The sound of loud farts broke throughout the room. “Heh. Sorry about that, a real weirdo must have put whoopie cushions on some of the seats. Too bad you didn’t look. The spiders are all completely harmless and more afraid of you than you are of them, so just be gentle and please don’t squish them. Same for the snake. Since the week starts on Nightmare Night, I thought we’d do something different today. We’re going to watch a movie.” The class cheered. “Since we won’t likely finish it today, we’ll finish it for class tomorrow.” The class cheered again. “You’ll have to write a two-page essay on it due a week from today.” The class groaned. “Oh, come on! It’s a fun prompt, you’ll like it. Feel free to move around to get snacks but clean up your own messes as best you can, I don’t need the janitor to be any angrier at me for this.” As the students rushed for a sugar high, I fired up the projector. The movie I had didn’t open to its menu, instead I saw an anime version of me as I’d looked as a human wearing an undertaker’s outfit and holding a noose. He appeared to be in the middle of a song. “All you need is a piece of rope, AND TO NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, NEVER CONSIDER SELF-ABUSE, THIS IS HOW YOU TIE A NOOSE!” The projector switched itself off. “Uh, did anyone else see …?” Nobody was looking. When the class was settled with their snacks, I tried again, and the movie started playing. “Right the prompt for the essay is seemingly simple: how to survive a horror movie! Let’s begin…”

The next day was the beginning of November, and I noticed my coat was longer and fluffier. Most ponies grew winter coats, but this level of fluff meant your family was from near the Frozen North, and apparently the family Maroon Flask didn’t have was. Which meant I wouldn’t be very cold in winter, which made me sad, but more distressingly, I was going to shed like crazy in the spring. Great. Oh well.

Apep flew up and switched off the smoke alarm. Alexis and I uncovered our ears. Apep shouted. “THERE! GOT IT!” Alexis hurried off to open windows. Apep landed back down and gave me a look like I’d grown another head. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “OK. I’m only going to ask this once. I’ll regret it, but I have to know. HOW IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU SET A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH ON FIRE?!!!” He roared, baring his teeth and claws.

I wish I knew…

“You can cook!” he shouted in astonishment, “Like, actual food! How did you DO that?”

I wish I knew… was all I could say again.

Mask Note puzzled me; I wasn’t sure why. He was incredibly personal and kind for a 14-year-old, nearly always had a spring in his step, and the rest of the class had trouble keeping up with him. If this was potions, I dreaded to think how far he was exceling in drama, since that’s where his special talent lay.

But … every time I looked at him, I knew I wasn’t looking at him. That’s the best way I could describe it, like all of him was a projection. Back when I was alive, people joked that I was psychic, because my gut feelings were almost always right. Mask wasn’t hurting anyone, he didn’t read as dangerous, he seemed like a genuinely good person, but he was hiding something. Lord knows how many skeletons I had in my closet, and my entire persona was a lie, so it wasn’t my business to pry, but it itched in the back of my head.

When I finally figured it out, all I could do was laugh.

The teachers took it in rotations to hold detention. This was only my third time, but the fact that I apparently already had a reputation as a ruthless taskmaster warmed my frozen heart.

I only had one student this afternoon, and I couldn’t believe it. Mask was the kind of person for whom “on time” meant “late.” If he didn’t have at least a 4.0 GPA I’d eat my hat, and he avoided conflict like the plague, so …

“How in the world did you get detention?” I asked in an exasperated tone.

He gave a sheepish grin. “I tripped over a paint bucket and wound up covering about half the hall.”

“They gave you detention for that?” I asked in surprise. “If being klutzy is a crime around these parts, I won’t last long.”

“Uhhh … there may have been a fight. With a janitor who didn’t appreciate the mess.”

I sighed. “That’ll do it. Well, you can help me prep ingredients and clean supplies. I’m sure you know to be careful by now. I’ll go get the stuff.” From inside the closet, I called, “Incidentally, do you speak Changeish?” in Changeish.

“Not since I left the Hive,” he replied in Changeish automatically. There was the sound of something dropping and breaking. “Z’irak!” he swore, the Changeling version of the f-bomb.

I walked out, carrying supplies. “Watch your language, please,” I said sternly. Mask had a look of pure terror on his face. “Easy, I’m not going to hurt you or turn you over to S.M.I.L.E. or anything. I don’t care that you’re a Changeling, I just care if you do well in school.”

Mask’s breath was hitching, and his ears were pinned back. “Ho-how did you know?” he managed to get out.

I set down the flasks and ingredients. I smiled. “Well, you didn’t seem … real. No, that’s not putting it right. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I could tell that you were an act. It’s … instinct, I guess. I also knew you weren’t going to harm anyone, so I didn’t see the need to confront you about it. You mentioned a ‘bad home life’ and your mother, but not a father. You don’t appear to have any family looking for you. You’re a talented actor, you’re supernaturally empathetic, and you read people better than I do. You’re very friendly, but you don’t actually have friends, like you don’t want people to get close to you. It honestly clicked when I remembered that you spend your free time trailing after the high-school age students who are in nauseating amounts of love. You’re a rogue, right?” He looked confused. “Sorry, that’s what Chrysalis calls Changelings who run away and never come back. Well, she usually says, ‘traitor,’ but rogue fits better.” He nodded, seeming like the fight or flight instinct was dying down. “Mind if I see the real you?” He looked hesitant. “I promise I’m not going to hurt you, I just know that being stuck in one shape for years can be draining for a Changeling, so I thought you might like to stretch your wings.”

I walked behind him and locked the door. He glanced at me, but all he read of my emotions was good will and curiosity. A flash of green fire later, and a Changeling was in my room. He sagged in relief, buzzing his wings rapidly. His voice had the slight buzzing timbre a Changeling always has. “Ahhhhh…” he practically moaned. “You’re right, that does feel better!” Going off the pitch of his voice, he was still male. Gender was kind of optional for Changelings, but most stuck with what was familiar. Checking between my student’s legs was just wrong. He glanced at me with his slightly alien eyes. “You’re … you’re really fine with the fact I’m a Changeling at a unicorn school!” he said in shock.

I nodded. “I figured you got in here on your own merit. I hope so anyway. Do I have to go looking for Mask Note? Because that would cause problems,” I said in a warning tone.

He quickly shook his head. “No!” he squeaked. “I didn’t copy anypony! I don’t have the resources to keep someone under.” I relaxed. “How do you know so much about Changelings?” he asked in curiosity. “Most ponies don’t know we exist.”

“I’m not exactly a pony,” I said with a grin. Fair’s fair, I said in my “God voice” as Celestia called it. I erupted into a large alicorn stallion made of rainbow fire, grinning at him.

His eyes widened. “Calbrax!” he said in awe.

I could tell where this was going. If you bow to me, I will make you scrub the floor with a toothbrush for your detention, I growled. Twice. I don’t like being bowed to!

“But aren’t you-?”

Yes, I snapped, It’s all, regrettably, true. Doesn’t mean I want special treatment. What’s your actual name?

“M-Mandible!’ he squeaked.

I smiled. Nice to meet you, M-Mandible. To you, I’m Calbrax. To others, I’m Arachnos the Weaver, The Architect of Reality, The Dreaming, Aardan Whose Horns Pierce the Sky, among others, I said, stopping myself in time. I have thousands of names and titles all across the universe, but at the end of the day, I’m really just me.

“And … you’re a teacher?” Mandible asked with a raised brow.

I nodded. I have my reasons, I’m even enjoying it, which is a shock, as long as I avoid the middle-schoolers at all costs. I think this might –

There was a knock on the door, and it opened. Mask Note was shocked to find himself a unicorn again up to his elbows scrubbing out a sudsy cauldron while I was Maroon Flask again. There hadn’t been any time or special effects between the change. A mare peeked into the room.

“Oh, Maroon! I didn’t think you’d wind up with my best student,” she said cheerfully, “How are you two getting along?”

“Fairly well. You’re the drama professor, right?”

She nodded. “Curtain Call, I’m sorry we haven’t met properly…”

“I’m a recluse, it was most likely my fault. Did you have something to tell Mask?”

Curtain nodded, looking crestfallen. “Our pianist has the flu; we might have to cancel!”

“WHAT?!” Mask yelped, almost dropping the cauldron.

“Careful with that!” I hissed.

“Sorry!”

Curtain said, “I know, and we only have two weeks to go!”

I thought about it. “I play piano. Whether I’m any good is for others to judge.”

“Can you learn the score to an entire musical in two weeks?” she said disbelievingly.

“You’d be amazed,” I replied.

“All right,” she sighed, “worst it can do is not work. We meet after school tomorrow. I expect the lead to be there,” she said with a pointed look at Mask. He nodded quickly. “Right then. See you both then!” She walked out.

“You’re the lead?” I asked with a grin.

He nodded sheepishly. He then looked at me. “How did I turn into a pony and you turn into one as well in less than a second?”

I shrugged. “I can make reality roll over and play fetch if I want, I just avoid doing it.” I glared at the door. “I know I locked that…”

“I think there’s a spell that automatically unlocks them if there’s people in a room,” Mandible explained.

“That makes sense.” I glanced at him. “I have quite a few cauldrons to clean, plus prepping ingredients for next week. Do you know cleaning spells, so I don’t keep you here ‘til Tuesday? Do they even teach cleaning spells anymore? I don’t want to do the ‘In my day!’ thing, we’ll be here all day,” I said with a laugh.

“No, not really…”

“Well, let me teach you! That way chores at home will go faster. You just want to be careful, or else you’ll bring your brooms to life and they won’t stop sweeping or fetching water.”

Once I was done, he said, “You’re right, that would make things a lot faster.”

“Mmm-hmm. … I can’t keep a secret or lie to save my life, it’s going to be difficult to not call you Mandible by mistake,” I said with an apologetic grin.

“Well, it’s nice to have someone use my real name, you can use it if we’re alone together.”

I gave a snort. “No one in their right mind would be ‘alone together’ with me. Thanks though. Try not to get detention again for a while.”

Mandible nodded.

I got out a chopping board and a knife as well as a mortar and pestle and got out the ingredients. “Oh, shut up,” I snapped. Mandible gave me a worried look. “Sorry. I talk to myself a lot. My conscience doesn’t like me to handle sharp objects given my track record, but I really shouldn’t chop this stuff with my teeth.”

Once the supplies were cleaned and the ingredients safely stored for later, I said, “Thanks so much for the help, even if you had to. See you tomorrow! Room 2B, right?”

Mandible nodded and walked out.

That afternoon I walked into the drama class. I was impressed, I’d taken drama in middle school, but this was on a different level. The classroom was fully of masks, props, and fliers and posters from various plays, it was a kind of visual candy land for the easily distracted. I stuck my head into room 2C, and practically started to drool. The entire room was a giant wardrobe of costumes, and it was HUGE! Discord came by his love of dress-up from me, that one I knew.

Mask pulled me away. “We’re heading into the auditorium to practice.”

I nodded. Curtain spotted me and handed me a binder of sheet music. “Here’s the piano parts, we’re starting with scene 8 today, so the song is ‘Heart as Dark as Winter.’” I puzzled at the name of the song but flipped to it and began to quickly scan. I got only the piano part, if there were lyrics, I didn’t know them.

When we walked in my jaw dropped. “This is amazing! You guys have an orchestra pit! Do we have an orchestra for plays?!” I asked with a manically wide smile.

Curtain stepped back slightly, before she said, “Often, yes, but this is a new play, so it’s only been written for piano. I don’t expect you to be able to play it today, but if you could-”

I sat down at the piano, whipped open the lid, and played Heart as Dark as Winter. Flawlessly.

Curtain’s mouth fell open. “Are you some sort of prodigy?” she asked weakly.

I shrugged. “I’m most likely off-the-scale genius, but I’m shiftless, I suck at math and science, and I have less than no common sense, so it hasn’t done me much good,” I said with a smirk. “But… I learned piano, finally, and practiced hard enough to be good at it. What’s the name of the play?”

“‘Winter for Grogar,’” Mask supplied, “It’s a musical retelling of Gusty the Great’s overthrow of Grogar.”

“Grogar? Musical?!!” I asked in shock. I glanced at Mask. “And, you’re Grogar?” He nodded. “This I have to see…”

“Is something wrong with the play?” Curtain asked, puzzled by my overreaction.

“No, but somewhere ‘Out There’ quite a few people are laughing at me,” I groaned.

Mask hurried off to get changed. When I saw him in costume, my tail started swishing back and forth slowly and my eyes narrowed. “Passable,” I said, not explaining. I glanced at Curtain. “Please give me my cue when it’s time.”

Once the rehearsal got underway, Curtain nodded at me and I played the opening to the song. When Mask began to sing, I got six notes wrong and then stopped playing, my jaw hitting the floor. Mask trailed off.

“Is there a problem?” Curtain asked sharply.

I shook my head. “No, no! Sorry.” Wow, I muttered softly, switching voices by mistake. I played the intro again. The song and scene went flawlessly.

After the day’s work was done, I went up to Mask and said, “Has your voice finished changing yet?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m fourteen,” he deadpanned.

“Sorry, stupid question, you’re right. Umm … you could go very, very far with a voice like that. That’s a serious gift, don’t waste it. You shine when you’re on the stage. You made a good Grogar, and that’s not a compliment I give lightly. I … should go get to work, bye!”

I no sooner got to my classroom than I felt Mask behind me. “Yes?”

He gave me a funny look. “You’re thousands of years old, right?”

I nodded, “Is there a point to that, or are you just going to insult me?”

“Did … you ever meet Grogar?”

I started putting bottles back on the shelves and locking the cabinets. “No, but I knew him quite well.”

“What does that mean?”

“What it means. Anything about him you want to learn from a living fossil?”

“Did he really eat children’s souls?”

“WHAT?!!” I yelled, dropping a bottle which smashed on the counter. A lime green liquid ate through the counter and partway through the floor before it fizzed out. “Thank God that wasn’t anything dangerous,” I sighed in relief. “That’s going to be an interesting talk with Celestia…”

I looked at Mandible. “Grogar was an insane, evil tyrant who made it his mission in life to make everyone else’s life a living hell, but even he had standards! He might smack a kid for being too loud, hyper, or aggravatingly happy, but he’d never actually hurt one! Adults were fair game though…”

“So, what did he like to eat?”

I thought about it. “Pears. He didn’t like them when they were ripe, they had to be crunchy. Ripe fruit’s just mush,” I said with distaste. “Where did you here that he ate children’s souls?!”

Mandible shrugged. “It’s what ponies tell their children apparently.”

“Joy. What do Changelings say about him?”

“We’re honestly a lot more afraid of you, sir.”

“Double joy. That’s all I’ll say for today.” Mandible grinned evilly. “What?”

“Does this mean I can cheat on my history tests off of you?” he oozed.

“Find a different immortal for that. Good thinking, but I’m not going to promote cheating. Now scoot.”

Mandible nodded and headed home.

That evening I couldn’t stop thinking about Grogar. I hadn’t thought about him in years. I sighed and headed into the bathroom to comb my mane. I glanced up. Instead of my reflection, Grogar stood in the mirror, grinning wickedly with his sharp, sharp teeth, evil burning in his red eyes. Before my heart beat again, I’d smashed the mirror as a reflex.

You’re. Dead. I snarled at the ghost of the Father of Monsters.

“Yeesh. That’s bad luck,” Apep commented.

I rolled my eyes. A pair of beat up sneakers landed on the kitchen table, spilling the salt. I walked over to the door, pulled my umbrella out of the stand, opened it, and held it over my head. I teleported into the city, limboed under the first ladder I saw, teleported to the nearest black cat and spent a few minutes petting it, teleported to the woods and trampled on a circle of mushrooms, then popped into an actor’s dressing room on opening night. Good luck with Macbeth! I said cheerfully. The actors screamed in horror as I teleported out. That oughta do it… I spat, winding up back home.

Alexis rubbed my back. “Breathe. It’s ok…”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to jinx myself so badly, because that night I slept, and more importantly, I dreamed…

I was walking on a relatively new planet. I was shaped like I had been when I was human. I hated the way that shape felt, had ever since I’d been born into it, but it was … familiar. I was invisible, but there wasn’t really anybody to see me. There was life, but nothing more intelligent than animals. Although the list of what qualified as “intelligent” life grew shorter and shorter the older I got. Maybe they had it better than we did. Missing the feeling of fur, I shifted into a human-shaped lion and sat in a field, watching the clouds drift overhead.

A soft yipping sound drew my attention. A red fox walked over, giving me curious sniffs. He wasn’t afraid of me, but he didn’t know any better, and I’d gotten along supernaturally well with animals even when I was alive. Becoming a demiurge made them trust me unquestioningly. I scratched the Todd under the chin, earning happy barks. He had the prettiest green eyes. Oh, what the hell, I thought, I guess it was inevitable knowing me…

I reached out and gripped one of the fox’s forepaws. It morphed into something much more like a hand the limb gaining muscle and shifting as well. I stood up, and pulled the fox to his hindpaws as well, his body stretching and shifting. By the time we had both gotten up, I was holding hands with an anthropomorphic red fox, who was a head shorter than me. He was in pretty good shape, and newfound intelligence blazed in his eyes. Instant evolution is probably cheating, but I was there, and so was he, so why not? He wiggled his fingers in amazement, looking further down his new body. His eyes widened, his ears flattened, and he clapped his hands over his crotch, letting out an embarrassed whine.

I chuckled. I waved a paw, and he was wearing a primitive set of pants. I didn’t say a word, I wasn’t sure if he could speak yet…

He opened his mouth. “Kcckk… graaa’k… What … you?” It wasn’t English, or any other language I’d learned, but I was able to understand it, and reply in the same language. Magic rocked.

A friend, I replied.

“Friend?” He was confused.

I’ll teach you. What’s your name?

“No … name…”

Well, let’s find you one, and make sure you’re not the only person here. There’s lots of animals here, I can make others like you. I put an arm around his shoulders and began to walk with him…

My dreams shifted…

A lone stallion struggled through a blizzard; unaware he was being watched. Finally, he came to what he was looking for, a massive stony building that resembled a skull. To his surprise, there were no guards, and the door was open. The inside of the structure resembled a cave that had been carved into a home, but it was dry, and more importantly, it was warm! He spent a few minutes feeling the life flowing back into his bones before he set out, uncertain of where to go. In a large room he saw what looked like a throne against the wall, made of rock carved to look like bones.

As he stared a deep voice behind him made him jump and squeak in surprise. “It’s even less comfortable than it looks, but sometimes aesthetics take precedence…”

He turned and saw a large blue ram with dark blue horns, blood-red eyes, a white mane and goatee, and teeth far sharper than any ram had a right to. He was wearing a large red collar which a large bell hung from. “You – y-you’re – you’re…”

“Grogar,” the ram replied coolly. “Current ruler of Equestria, although some might say ‘tyrant’ is a better word. Apparently, they call me ‘Grogar the Terrible’ behind my back. What brings you to my lair?”

“My name is Silver Blade; I am from the town of Haycart. This blizzard has frozen our crops. I was sent to plead with you to provide food to my people!”

Grogar nodded. “Ah. Yes. I apologize; you’re no use to me dead, and I have no quarrel with your town to make them suffer. I will send food and supplies to them. You are a long way from home, Mr. Blade, and you look half dead. Please spend the night as my guest, I will have food brought and have you shown to your room. We may speak more in the morning, after you are rested.” With that, the evil ram seemed to vanish into thin air.

Silver shivered, although not from cold. Someone cleared the throat politely. He turned and screamed. An animated skeleton in a torn jacket was staring at him eyelessly. “Itttsssaaaliivvviinggg….” The skeleton said in one slow, dry breath. “Follllowwwmeeeesssssirrrr…”

No magic could truly bring back the dead, such feats were on the levels of gods. Necromancy did exist, however, but you only got a crude copy of life. In the best cases, you simply got a servant or a pet out of something’s corpse. In the worst cases, what you made tore you apart before becoming inanimate once again. It was the ultimate taboo in magic, so for Grogar to have animated corpses for staff…

Silver was shown to a comfortable guest room and brought a warm bowl of very good soup, and a large piece of bread, with butter & honey! Such luxuries were beyond the common folk at this point. All the more reason for tonight…

Late that night, Silver crept through the lair. No one seemed to be about, not even the servant who’d shown him to his room. He found Grogar’s room, the ram sprawled out on a large bed, snoring loudly. Making no noise, Silver pulled a dagger from his cloak, raised it above the sleeping tyrant, and …

He was suddenly thrown against the wall. Grogar chuckled darkly. “I don’t sleep much; I tend to have bad dreams. ‘Silver Blade’ is an unusual name for a farmer, but not for an assassin,” he said flatly. He got out of the bed and walked over to Silver, who was pinned to the wall by an invisible force. “I knew what you were coming here for before you did. You told mostly truth, you really are from Haycart, and your village desperately needs food. I’ll keep my word and provide for them. You on the other hoof…”

“Please,” Silver gasped, “Don’t kill me!”

Grogar smiled. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m not even going to harm you. In fact, I’ll make sure you’re well taken care of.”

“T-thank you, my lord.”

Grogar booped Silver on the nose. “Beep, beep, you’re a sheep.”

“What?” Silver blinked in surprise. “I’m not a – aaaaah!” he bleated, his fur and face shifting. He began to shrink. In less than a minute a lamb was against the wall, his cloak having slipped off of him.

Grogar picked him off the wall and began to stroke the frightened thing. “Shh… it’s ok,” he whispered soothingly. Silver was now no more intelligent than an average sheep and had no memories of his former life. Pretenses aside, Grogar knew he was an evil being, but he always kept his word.

Grogar stepped into a shadow and arrived at a farm he’d been to before. When the farmer spotted him, he yelped. “Lord Grogar!”

Grogar held the lamb out. “I’ve brought you a lamb. His wool is of the finest quality, it will fetch you a good price with each shearing. You may have him as a gift, on the condition that you treat him like a prince and allow him to die of natural causes. Preferably old age. I do not want to find out that he wound up in a stew.”

The farmer nodded hastily. “Thank you, my lord!”

Grogar simply nodded and vanished once again.

My dreams shifted yet again.

Grogar stepped out of his lair, red lightning forking down from the permanent storm that surrounded it. An army of unicorns surrounded him, led by a certain Pegasus.

Grogar raised an eyebrow. “So. My little ponies finally grew backbones. Only took you three years to work up the nerve to rebel. But how brave do you truly feel?” A circle of dark magic blasted out of Grogar, hitting every pony around him.

Each pony began to scream, whimper, plead, or go numb as they experienced their worst fears. Gusty shook herself out of it first, and noticed smoking tendrils flowing from each pony into Grogar. “He’s feeding on your fears!” she shouted. “It’s only an illusion! Together we are safe, and we can defeat him!”

“I’d like to see you try,” Grogar scoffed, looking more powerful by the second. Eventually, the ponies rallied themselves out of their fears. “Your move,” Grogar said, without malice or joy. He looked … tired.

“NOW!” Gusty shouted. The assembled unicorns fired a beam of magic stronger than a thousand armies.

When it was done, Grogar applauded slowly. “Excellently done. That’s harmony, something you’ve lacked until now. Unfortunately, all that did was make me angry.” He held out a hoof and a sword made of darkness appeared in it. He threw himself into battle.

Accounts of the battle would inevitably vary, but if you asked Gusty, Grogar seemed interested in simply disabling his enemies in ways that would heal. He didn’t deal a single lethal blow. Gusty had heard stories of Grogar, and of the prize around his neck. She crept up on him, inching closer and closer … until she quickly unhooked the Bewitching Bell from his collar. Grogar’s sword vanished. The storm disappeared almost instantly. Grogar looked around in confusion.

“YOU!” he shouted. He readied himself to fire a blast of power at her. His eyes widened when nothing happened. He tried again. “I’m … … POWERLESS?!” he said. It almost came out as a squeak.

“And I’m not!” Gusty shouted.

With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff She looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. She walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.

In the shadows at the bottom of the canyon, Grogar dusted himself off. “Ingrates. I add a little strife and darkness to their lives to toughen them up, and all they do is complain. I wonder how history will regard me. ‘Father of Monsters’ has a nice ring to it. Shame about the Bell, though. … Well, I’m sure someone will find a use for it.” He grinned wickedly. “After all, evil artifacts are half the fun of any game…” Grogar dissolved into shadows, and then faded into legend.

The next thing I knew my alarm was blaring, my dream-memories fading. I sat up and covered my face with my hooves.

Musical… I groaned.

The two weeks passed quickly. Opening night was a huge success. After the last curtain calls, we all walked out, I was trying to slink away. Curtain Call was walking next to Mask, who was still in his Grogar costume and practically glowing. Being able to feed on the support and love of your fans would make acting a rush. He’d been amazing in the role and made Grogar surprisingly sympathetic. When he fell to his death, your heart ached, before you remembered who he was, and cheered that he was dead.

“Nicely done, piano player,” Curtain said with a grin.

“I can’t feel my fingers,” I groaned, trying to rub life into them. “I’m just glad it worked.”

“Well, future plays we should have more than just you to carry us.”

“Future-?”

Curtain smiled. “If you’re willing, I’d like to hire you as the drama club pianist. I’d be a fool not to use something right under my nose. It’s only a little extra pay, and adds to your schedule, but-”

“I’ll do it.”

“Thank you. Right, I think there’s some hot chocolate in the lobby, you’ve earned it.”

I nodded and dashed off.

Curtain slugged Mask’s shoulder playfully. “Way to go, freshman! He’s right you know; you could probably be on Bridleway with your talent and looks. I expect you to keep it up.”

Mask nodded and opened his mouth. There was a sound like the tick of a clock that dragged out and died, and Curtain froze. Mask waved his hoof in front of her face and snapped his fingers a few times. “Professor Curtain?!!”

“She can’t hear you,” a deep voice rumbled. Glowing red eyes shone in the shadows. Mask squeaked as a creature of legend and nightmare stepped into the light. Grogar would have looked a lot more intimidating if he wasn’t holding out a Styrofoam cup of hot chocolate. “Here,” he said, giving it to Mask. “It’s quite good.” He gave a sharp-toothed grin, eyes glinting with wicked mischief. “You did a good job of playing me, and I would not say that to many. The story was almost entirely poetic license, it didn’t happen that way at all. I enjoyed it though. Keep up with your studies, you could rule the world if you wanted to. And for My sake, don’t get detention this week!” Grogar finished with a wicked smile before he dissolved into shadows.

Time started again. I walked back into the room from the lobby, sipping on a cup of chocolate. “I think they put vanilla in this! It’s amazing!” I glanced at Mask. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” I said with a smirk.

Hearth’s Warming that year was interesting. I’d been resting in bed when I heard hoofsteps on the roof. They stopped and there was a clanging sound before there was a loud thud downstairs. Now wide awake, I grabbed a metal baseball bat and crept downstairs.

A voice was grumbling, “Someone’s never heard of a chimney sweep…” There was a loud sneeze. I peeked over the stair railing. A stag wearing a soot-covered red suit with white trim was dusting ash off himself. He was wearing a very familiar red hat with white trim and a white pom-pom on the end.

I dropped the bat in surprise, and he glanced up. Nicholai? I asked in shock.

Nicholai stared at me like a deer in headlights. “You can see me?” He blinked. “Wait … Arachnos?! Is that you?”

I nodded. How have you been?

“The job is going well, thank you.”

I’m glad I could give it to you all those years ago.

Nicholai grinned. “No one’s called me by my birth name in years. These days I’m called ‘Santa Hooves.” The job has some nice benefits: immortality, the ability to travel the world in one night, granting wishes.”

I nodded. That lonely scared fawn I found in the snow has turned out very well.

Santa grinned. “Well, you phrased it in a way I couldn’t exactly refuse. I-” The room began to shake.

“Oh, no!” Santa and I said in unison.

There was a scream of, “SAAAANNNNTTTAAAA!!!!” A black bullet knocked into Santa knocking him down.

Apep, get off of him! I snapped.

Apep did, tail wagging furiously. “I haven’t seen you in years! It’s so nice to see you. I’ve been a VERY good boi this year!”

He has, surprisingly enough, I confirmed.

Santa looked nervous. “You didn’t ask me for a thermonuclear smart missile again, did you?”

“That was a joke!” Apep said, looking offended.

Santa sighed and pulled out a book labeled, “The List.” He opened it, flipped through it and found a particular page. “Apep … you made the Nice List. Barely. You asked for … oh, Lord…” Santa glared at Apep. “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THOSE KINDS OF ‘TOYS!’’

Apep shrugged. “What? I’m an adult.”

I felt nauseous. “You two sort it out. I’m going to make you a thermos of cocoa for the road, bring it back in the morning.” Santa nodded.

Alexis had slipped out of bed to join the conversation. “Couldn’t you have asked for a board game?”

“I have needs and wants the same as anyone…”

There was a bit of shouting as I worked, I tuned it out. Let’s see … cinnamon, vanilla, bit of peppermint, whipped cream… I bottled it up.

Here you are! Did you three figure it out?

None of them looked happy, but they nodded.

Then I really don’t want to hear the details. Safe journey, Nicholai!

Santa nodded, took the thermos, and disappeared back up the chimney. There was a decent sized pile of presents for 3 under the tree.

Right! Bed for you two!

The next morning, I glanced at the tree. My Hearth’s Warming tree wasn’t exactly traditional. The ornaments were different festive spider ornaments, ornaments from geeky interests I’d had when I was alive, as well as 3D-printed holiday versions of Ogres and Oubliettes monsters. Not exactly cheery, but very me, and I liked it.

Out of morbid curiosity Alexis and I craned over Apep’s shoulders when he opened his main gift.

“Oh, good grief…” Alexis muttered.

“Well! I’m going to enjoy that…” Apep said.

“Not in our bed you’re not!” Alexis snarled, baring his fangs.

What did you get Alexis?

“Some more painting supplies!”

Great, I look forward to another work to add to your gallery!

Apep grinned. “Let me guess. Books, knitting supplies, and Ogres and Oubliettes stuff?”

Oh, how well you know me!

Alexis sighed. “You know you’re going to have to find an actual group of real-life people to DM for, right?”

I nodded. Yeah … One day. I pulled them into a hug. Happy Hearth’s Warming guys.

It was still Hearth’s Warming break at the school, so I was sitting in the Canterlot Zoo, watching the tigers pacing back and forth. I’d spent entire days just watching the tigers, and I most likely would again. To my shock, my phone rang, the ringtone a remix of Spider Dance from Undertale.

I had two phones, one for my life here, which had a fairly generic ringtone. The one that was ringing, however, had been from my life on Earth, and the number of people who could call it wasn’t very high. I hadn’t even brought that phone with me. I reached into my bag and pulled it out. Instead of a number, the person calling showed up as an emoji version of the Eye of Providence. There wasn’t really a way I could call that back…

“H-hello?”

“Good morning, Mr. Phelps,” came the reply.

“What.”

An image of me appeared in the air before me, mostly translucent like a hologram. “The individual you are now seeing is known by many names and titles. Today is a special day, it is his birthday.”

I thought about the date. “Son of a gun. I forgot my own birthday.”

“Mmm. Yes. Your mission, should you choose to accept it,” the voice on the other end snickered. “I love how they always make it sound like they have a choice.” He cleared his throat. “Your mission is to help this Good Boy have an amazing birthday. Equipment you may find useful has been place at your castle. If you feel a need to dramatically look through photographs and pick the same team members you do every episode, be my guest.”

The voice was familiar, I didn’t know why. “Who is this?!”

“My code name is Smug. We have spoken before.”

I remembered. “At the beginning of the universe, and in ancient Anugypt, right?”

“Yes. Oh, one more thing.” In the tone of voice one would use to sing a funeral dirge, he sang, “Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday. Misery in the air, people dying everywhere. Happy Birthday…” The last note was deep enough it went into a vocal fry.

I started laughing, that was my family’s favorite birthday song.

“Have a good one! I’ll be seeing you soon! This message will boop in ten seconds.”

A spectral hand appeared and booped me on the snoot. I scrunched my muzzle up at the contact. The call ended. I pulled up my phone history, but it hadn’t shown up.

“That’s … weird… Something at my castle, huh?”

I glanced around to make sure that no one was looking and teleported home. Walking into my hall, all I could say was, Good grief. Did Bubble Berry get in here?!

A large banner screamed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” in Comic Sans. There were so many balloons I could barely see the walls or ceiling. They were all blood red. I pulled one down. In white font, it read, “I ♥ Derry!”

I shuddered. Oh, boy. Please tell me nobody hired Pennywise as my birthday entertainment…

I spotted a note taped to the wall. It read, “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Your home is still 100% Lovecraftian Horror disguised as evil clown free. 😉 P.S. Try the kitchen…”

Feeling nervous, I headed in. There were a few small boxes on the counter, and another note. Opening it, I read, “If I wanted to give you a number of candles equal to your age, your castle would most likely have burned to the ground. Serious fire hazard that, one of the downsides of immortality. Fear not, cake has been provided! Cake is sacred, after all. Praise be to cake. Don’t let Apep and Alexis swipe it off of you. They have their own.”

Inside of one box was a piece of tomato soup cake, and inside the other box was a piece of carrot cake, both with cream cheese frosting.

My favorites! I cheered.

Under the box of carrot cake was yet another note. This is starting to feel like a scavenger hunt… I thought. I unfolded it. I nearly spit out my cake. “Well, if I wanted to do a scavenger hunt, I would have, but that’s more fun with more people. Making you run around and freaking you out by leaving notes that seem to read your mind is much more fun! Bedroom’s next!”

Who IS this guy?! Who can break into my castle when I’m not looking and leave gifts and decorations everywhere?!

Not knowing what to expect I entered my bedroom, a school of fish swimming by the window. There were a few boxes, each with a note attached. The wrapping paper was a festive spider pattern. I opened one at random. Inside were two smaller boxes, a small DVD collection, and what looked like the boxed set of a complete manga. I read the note that went with. “I know you where never really into manga or anime, but you’ll like this one, I promise! Beastars is best stars. Plus, it can’t turn you into a furry, you already ARE one. You’re going to get a crush on the main character, it’s inevitable, he is Best Boi. You’re going to wind up screaming at the two main characters to get over each other and kiss. They can pry Lougosi out of my cold, dead hands. We were robbed.

Oh. Wait. I’m already dead, and my hands are always cold, even when I was alive. Never mind. Just enjoy it.”

OOOOkkkaayyy… I said, feeling like I should back up slowly to get away from the crazy.

The next box had a very large graphics tablet and a book of digital painting tutorials. The note read, “You enjoyed drawing, get back to it! Well, free will, but…”

I blushed when I opened the third and largest box. Inside was an adorable, extremely huggable life-sized plush of Thorax when he was the Changeling King. The note read, “I figured you’d like this better than a body pillow … 😉. There’s a reservation for you for 6:00 at a great seafood restaurant in Manehatten. I suggest you put on a tie.” There was an address.

I wondered out loud, Who could know all this stuff about me?

I spotted a piece of paper sticking out from under my pillow. It read:

“OMNISCIENT - adjective

om·ni·scient | \ äm-ˈni-shənt \

Definition of omniscient:

1: having infinite awareness, understanding, and insight

an omniscient author

the narrator seems an omniscient person who tells us about the characters and their relations

2: possessed of universal or complete knowledge

the omniscient God.”

I snorted at what felt like a joke. Something that had been bugging me in the back of my mind finally clicked. I held up all the notes. This … this is my writing! Except neater. Who’d bother to fake my handwriting?!

There was a distant sound of somebody beating his head against the wall in aggravation at my cluelessness, but I may have imagined it.

Thank you! I shouted, not knowing if Smug or whoever he was could hear me.

That birthday was one of the best I’d had.

The rest of my first year at the school went fairly well, and at the end I walked into my classroom for 2A one sunny summer morning since finals week had a funky schedule. The students were all chattering happily. I sniffed a few times and made a face, seeking out a scent. “What’s that?! Do I detect the disgusting stench of self-esteem and confidence in your abilities?!! ON FINAL DAY?!! Well, we’ll soon fix that!” They knew me well enough to know that I was joking, and a few even laughed. I sat down. “Right If you’ve shown up and even slightly paid attention the last 2 months you know what the assignment is. Get your recipes out, you have 3 hours. Please try not to blow anything up, I don’t want to end my first year by sending one of you home in a mason jar. Clock is ticking!” There was a mad scramble to get supplies and ingredients before they were gone, and they got to work.

After I’d finished cleaning up and locking my room and office, I was surprised to find Celestia staring at me. “Yes?”

“Your first year went well,” she said with a serene smile in the tone of a proud parent.

I nodded. “Nobody died. Thank you for hiring me, am I tarnishing the reputation of your school yet?”

She laughed. “I’ll be the first to let you know if you do.”

“I’m sure. What do you want?”

She looked nervous. “Well, every summer I ask one of the staff here to attend the Grand Galloping Gala, and-”

“And I’m the new guy so I drew the short straw,” I surmised flatly.

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” Celestia said, sounding mildly offended.

“The Gala used to be fun! You’d have fire-eaters and sword swallowers, and wild dancing until dawn. Now it’s just sycophants, fawning laughter, and snooty food that’s four pieces to the mouthful.” Celestia blinked in confusion. “I’ll go,” I sighed, “but I’m not exactly ‘high society.’ More ‘high anxiety,’” I said with a snicker.

“You’ll need a tux,” Celestia said.

“What do you take me for? Of course I have a tux! When is it?”

“June eighth at sunset.”

“See you then!”

The dreaded day arrived. All the fancy mares and stallions in their thousand-bit suits and carriages made me feel very out of place, even though I was technically richer than all of them put together. I still thought poor, I guess.

Pulling myself together, I headed in.

The night went all right for the first few hours. It was about what I was expecting at least. Nobody paid any attention to me and walked away with their noses in the air if I tried to talk to them. It really grated on my nerves after a while.

Not sure what to do, I came up to Celestia. “I think I’ll leave early, unless there’s something you need me for.”

“Please stay,” she said with a hint of pleading in her voice. “I’m sure you can find some way to entertain yourself. I sighed and nodded, I owed her that much.

I wandered the halls of the castle. Nobody was really around, but that was fine by me. In the lower levels, I spotted a door that made me pause. I’m going to get in trouble for this. To hell with it… I headed in and closed the door.

Upstairs in the ballroom, the party was droning on when everyone was shocked by slightly creepy music coming from downstairs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrqS-BWNQ68&ab_channel=TheHungarianCoverist

“Wh-Where’s that coming from?!” A stallion nickered nervously.

“Downstairs,” a mare replied.

“It must be a demon!” shouted another stallion.

“Let’s drive it out!” shouted yet another.

Celestia was doing her best to bite back a smile, and slightly failing, she knew exactly what that was. She cleared her throat. “I think this bears further investigation!” She pointed dramatically skywards. “Down then!”

The entire Gala rushed downstairs two levels to what was almost the basement. Here the music was much louder. They found the source of the noise behind a door with a plaque next to it that read, “Music room.” The walls were shaking.

A mare glared at Celestia. “What’s behind this door?” she snapped.

Celestia couldn’t help it, the corners of her mouth turned up. “Possibly an organ?” she suggested. She wouldn’t be able to keep it in much longer.

The assembled stallions glanced nervously at each other. Each wanted to be seen as protecting his mare, and nopony wanted to lose face, but nopony wanted to possibly die, so…

“You go first,” a stallion said, shoving another slightly closer.

“Oh, no, no, I insist, you go first,” he replied.

“My company is worth five times what yours is!” the first stallion snapped.

Sensing that this could go on all night, Celestia sighed wearily. “I’ll open the door.”

They got in at about the key change. They stared in shock as I played the organ with a wide grin of evil satisfaction. Dust and plaster were raining down on me, along with the occasional shocked spider. A large red lever attached to the organ labeled, “Do Notte Pull” was firmly in the “On” position.

When the song was done, Celestia applauded.

I turned around. “Whoops. Wow. You, uh, brought the whole party…”

“I think they thought the castle was haunted,” Celestia said with a grin. She pulled the lever back into the off position. “I forgot this thing had a volume control. The sign’s there for a reason,” she said with a slight glare. “I’m surprised you can hear me after that…”

“Sorry?” I said with a nervous grin. There went my job.

She sighed. “Well, I think that’s all the … excitement … I can stand for one evening, thank you for coming everypony, and I hope to see you all next year!”

The nobles were just smart enough to get the hint and trickled out.

I sighed. “I’m fired, aren’t I?”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I appreciate you livening up a dull evening in a safe way, but … I don’t think I can invite you back for a few years.”

“Woe. Agony. I can’t live with that knowledge.”

Celestia chuckled. “It is pretty miserable, isn’t it?” Her eyes narrowed mischievously. “Don’t think you’ve gotten out of it, I will be inviting you back in a few years, so try and show some self-restraint next time. By the way, what song was that?”

“Oh, just one of my favorites from growing up. Good night, your majesty.”

“Good night, Maroon.” She snickered. “You might want to get that suit cleaned…”

I glanced at the mess I’d made. “Possibly,” I said with a grin. “Hope you can take some time to visit us at the school soon!”

“I’ll do my best; it certainly beats holding Court.”

My second year went about the same. Hearts and Hooves Day rolled around in early February, and I felt myself growing nauseous at the amounts of love on display. In the staffroom, I asked Bunsen Burner the Chemistry professor, “I’m feeling pretty sick, do you have any of those heart-shaped antacids with corny messages on them? No, never mind, I hate Pepto Bismol.”

“What’s wrong?” he said, looking confused.

“There’s too much mush in the air,” I said, pointing at a couple rubbing noses in the hall.

Bunsen chuckled. “Don’t you have any romance in you?”

I nodded. “Sure, but I got rid of it.”

“I’ll bet you don’t believe in soulmates either, do you?” Curtain Call asked with a grin.

“No, I definitely believe in those, I’ve seen them. Some people are just made for each other. I’m just an old fart who doesn’t have one. I would have met them by now…” A random spike in my brain chemistry pulled up a relatively recent memory: ‘Oh, yes, I am the father of tickle monsters!’ and a squirming, laughing Changeling.

“Well, luckily you’re heartless, you’ve got detention this afternoon,” Bunsen teased with a grin.

“I’m not heartle- oh, fine! Anyway, what trouble could a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers possibly get up to on a day like today?” What sounded like a battle raging began in the hall, along with horrified gasps and cheers. As the rest of the staff streaked out, I sighed. I shouldn’t have said that…

To my surprise, the fight had been between Mask Note and Forward Pass, the school’s hoofball champion. They’d been patched up by the nurse and were both sitting in my classroom, arms folded, burning a hole into the wall in front of them with their gaze. They were NOT looking at each other.

I was busy pacing. “Of all the idiotic -! You do know you should be getting at least a suspension for calling him that, right?!”

Forward growled. “Why? He is a-”

I cut him off. “Unless you’re talking about a type of kindling, that’s a serious slur, and I’m not going to stand for it, I don’t care HOW many wings your family donates!”

I glared at them. They had one chair in between them, and I noticed something unusual.

Pony body language was similar enough to human body language that I rarely had trouble with it, but ponies had additional limbs to express themselves with, most notedly a tail. “Talking” with your tail was usually not even a conscious thought. My tail tended to swish like a cat’s when I was upset, I managed to calm it down.

Mask and Forward were sitting as far away from each other as possible … except for their tails, which were laying on top of each other over the chair in between them, occasionally flicking with contentment.

Are they … holding tails?! That’s something couples do. Why would he call him that, beat the daylights out of him, and then unconsciously practically cuddle him? Why doesn’t Mandible mind? It clicked. I grinned and chuckled deviously.

The two teens looked up warily. “What?” Forward snapped.

“Pots and kettles,” I said with an evil grin.

“Uh, Professor Flask, what are you-?” Mask started.

I grabbed Forward’s face and examined his pupils. “Mm-hmm.” I put my fingers on his neck.

Forward swatted me away. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Taking your pulse.”

“Why?”

“To see how fast your heart’s beating.” I walked over to the shelves and searched. I found a bottle labeled “Hopes & Dreams.”

I pulled a water balloon out of my desk drawer, poured the potion into it, and tied the knot. I glanced up and saw that Mask and Forward were edging towards the door. They froze.

I sighed. “Please understand this is for your own good.” I tossed the water balloon at them.

It exploded, but instead of liquid, smoke poured out. The two coughed. When the smoke cleared, they were surprised. Instead of my classroom, they were in a cozy home. The front door opened and a version of Forward who looked to be in his early forties walked in, setting down a briefcase and unloosening his tie.

“Are we in the future?!” Forward asked in awe.

I laughed. They looked but couldn’t find me. “No. There isn’t a potion for time travel, and even if there was, time travel isn’t something I mess around with. You’re still in my classroom. The Hopes and Dreams potion creates an illusion of your ideal future. It can also be inhaled for the same effect. Two can share the effect, seeing the same future.”

The older Forward called out, “Honey, I’m home!”

Mask’s jaw dropped as an older version of him walked out and nuzzled the other Forward. The real Forward’s face was beet red. He cleared his throat. He grinned. “So, your ideal future is being married to me, huh? Shoulda known you had a crush on me…”

“… This isn’t my ideal future,” Mask replied. Forward’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. Mask grinned. “Is it yours?” he asked.

“Well, it’s certainly not mine!” I called.

Mask’s eyes flashed green for a split second. He chuckled. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Yes. WHAT?! NO!”

Mask’s grin became almost predatory. He didn’t currently have fangs, but he was a bug on the hunt. “So … you want to marry me? Are you gay? Is that why you beat me up? You don’t like what you are?”

“No, where’d you get a crazy idea like that?!”

Mask lightly brushed Forward’s mane. “It’s OK,” he said soothingly.

Forward started stammering. “Listen, we don’t have to tell anybody, all right? I’m sorry for what I did. We don’t have to ever talk about this again, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of your life, I’ll pay anything you want, just please-”

Mask leaned in and gently kissed him.

Forward’s eyes widened, his pupils changing to light pink hearts as heart bubbles formed around him. Kid had it bad.

As the kiss ended, the illusion of future domestic bliss faded out and the two found themselves back in my classroom.

Mask grinned smugly. “How was that?”

Forward blinked. “Hurr der werp?!”

I chuckled. “It might take a bit for his brain to reboot…” Forward nodded, blushing furiously. “So, you kissed another male. You’re not any less of a stallion, you’re not broken, you’re not an abomination, you’re just gay. It’s been known to happen. The next time you have an identity crisis severe enough to try and bash someone’s brain in, DON’T LET ME CATCH YOU! You two are in my classroom for detention, and in here, I’m God. You’re both going to write a one-page paper on what you like about the other, and how you both could have handled things differently. After that, you’re free to gallop off into the sunset or whatever. I need some water…” I stalked out.

Forward looked at Mask. “I’m, uh. Sorry. For everything. Teach was right, I was taking how I felt about myself out on you. I had no right to do that.”

Mask grinned wickedly. “That’s ok. You can just date me, and we’ll call it even.”

Forward’s tail starting wagging furiously enough to stir up a breeze.

When I got back inside, I rolled my eyes. “Oh, brother.” I held a textbook above my head and let it drop to the floor. The two students jumped in surprise at the thud. “Detention now, epic make out session later, ok? Start writing, and as always, use proper spelling and grammar.”

As the two pulled out notebooks and pencils, Mask was surprised to hear my voice in his mind. ‘You know you’ll have to tell him what you are if you want to be a serious couple, right? Doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but if you fall in love with him, you owe him that much.’

Mask nodded, figuring I would hear his reply. ‘I know. He’ll probably hate me, but I think you’re right. For now, I just want to savor this.’

‘Well, you two do make a cute couple…’

After the two had left, seeing as it was Hearts and Hooves Day I sighed and pulled my heart out of my body. Nothing, it wasn’t even beating. I’m not heartless, it just got broken one too many times… I put the damn thing back where it belonged.

Early into my third year of teaching, a traveling pony promoting the Harry Trotter series visited the school. To get the younger students interested in the books, he had a genuine Sorting Hat he’d enchanted to act like the real thing.

I was the oldest person in the line to the rest of the staff’s amusement, but I couldn’t resist. After sorting everybody in front of me, I sat down and awaited the verdict.

The hat barely touched my head for half a second before it screamed, “THERAPY! Oh, DEAR GOD, THERAPY!!!!”

The marketing pony quickly yanked it off my head. “I’m so sorry! It’s not supposed to do that, I swear!”

The hat was trembling like a leaf. “It’s so dark … and cold…” it whimpered.

I sighed. “I think it got that right actually,” I said without amusement. “Thanks anyway…” I slid off the stool.

“Oy, vey…” I muttered. “I didn’t need to be told that by a hat!”

That year’s Hearts and Hooves Day, to my surprise, after school Mask and Forward walked into my classroom. Mask was sweating nervously. “C-can you make sure nobody comes in here?” he croaked. “I’m not sure where else to do this…”

I had some idea what might be going on, but I locked the door and disabled the antilocking charm.

Mask took a deep breath and faced Forward. “OK, just remember I’m still me, and I still love you. Try not to freak out too much. Not everybody has to come out of the closet twice,” he joked.

A flash of green fire, and Mask’s disguise fell away. If you’d never seen a Changeling before, they were pretty alien, and you would freak out.

To Forward’s credit, he didn’t freak out or run away, he just asked, “What?!”

Mask sighed. He stuck out a hoof, his leg full of holes. “Hi, Forward. My name’s Mandible, and I’m a Changeling. We’re a pony-like species that can shapeshift and that feeds on love. Almost nobody trusts us, so when we’re not around other Changelings, we live as other creatures. I disagreed with the way my Queen ran things, and ran away from home at a young age, and I’ve been living as Mask Note ever since.” He shifted back into Mask. “I’m also stupid levels in love with you, and I don’t want to lose you. But you need to know who and what I really am…”

Forward took a few moments to process all this. “Can you go back to the other way?” Mandible nodded and did. Forward circled him. “You’re like … a bug alicorn?”

Mandible chuckled. “Basically…” Forward stuck in finger in one of the holes in Mandible’s legs. Mandible squirmed and giggled. “Hey! That always tickles a Changeling, don’t do that without permission.”

Forward chuckled. “You’re pretty cute babe.” A light blue dusted Mandible’s face as he blushed. “So, this is who you really are?” Mandible nodded. “Do you have to hide it?”

Mandible sighed. “It’s for the best, trust me.”

“Well, when it’s just us, you can be yourself. I kind of like it.” Mandible grinned, showing off his fangs. Forward leaned in and kissed him. He blinked. “Huh.”

“What’s wrong?” Mandible asked nervously.

“Nothing, I’m just not going to enjoy a kiss without fangs ever again,” Forward admitted, his face burning. Mandible chuckled. Forward pulled him into a hug and started stroking the fin on his head. “I love you babe, thanks for trusting me this much…” He pulled away. “Can you fly?!” Mandible nodded with a wide grin. “Oh, I’ve gotta see that!”

“Maybe not on school property…” Mandible said with a nervous grin.

I chuckled. “You’ve really grown, Forward, I’m proud of you.”

“Yeah, I guess I have …” He glanced at me. “You knew Mas – uh, Mandible was a Changeling, huh?”

I nodded. “I have for a little over a year, yes. I figure it’s his secret to tell people, not mine. I’ve got secrets of my own,” I said with a mischievous grin. A horn sprouted from my head with rainbow magic surrounding it. I sighed, changing to my other voice. Ironically, I’m the only being in existence with a rainbow aura, and I’m not gay. Surely that should have gone to someone who deserves it more…

“… What … are you?” Forward asked nervously.

Mandible started to speak up. “He’s-”

I’m whatever I want to be, that’s all. Don’t you two have a hot date or something? I asked with a grin. It’s Mush Day.

Mandible chuckled. “You’ve never had a date for Hearts and Hooves Day?”

I haven’t dated in … quite some time. I’m pretty sure the temperature and climate of one version of the afterlife would have to drastically alter before I attempt to do so again… Anyway, get going!

The two dashed off.

That spring, I was surprised to be approached by Celestia. “What can I do for you?”

“We were able to hire a pianist for the drama club. Curtain says you were good, but you probably shouldn’t be working two jobs. That said, I’d like to ask you to open a club. You’ll have to pay for supplies and see about funding for activities, but it can be anything you want!”

“Anything?!” I asked, my eyes lighting up.

Celestia’s eyes widened in horror as she realized what she’d just done. “YOU ARE NOT BUILDING A TORTURE CHAMBER IN THE SCHOOL!”

“OK, that was my second choice,” I said with an eye roll. “Relax, it’s nothing to worry about, there’s no Satanism to blame here!” Celestia looked on in worry as I pronked away with a newfound spring in my step.

Celestia had assigned my new club a room, and she stood outside the door, feeling nervous. “OK, Arachnos, what horrors have you got in store for me this time?” She plastered on a smile and opened the door. “Hey! How’s it… OH, MY GOD!!!”

I hadn’t even noticed her come in. I was staring at a salad bowl full of small plastic objects with a crazed gleam in my eye and a smile that would make Pennywise cross the street. “YYeesssss…” I hissed reverently, “Cllliiiccck cllllaaaccckkks…”

That bowl of dice was one of three, totaling about 2 & 1/2 thousand dice. Ten enormous cabinets along the walls were filled with hundreds of 3D printed miniatures, and a 3D printer was set up with a program to make custom minis, along with a pricing guide. Bookcases held sourcebooks and add-ons along with tactical dry erase maps. There was a banner for each Ogres and Oubliettes Class hanging from the ceiling, and a sign.

The sign read, “RULES:

1. The DM is always right. Anger them not.
2. Murderhobos shall be hunted down and strung up by their intestines.
3. Give everyone at the table a chance to shine, it’s a GROUP activity!
4. Return materials when finished.
5. Deface my books and they’ll never find your remains…
6. HAVE FUN!”

Celestia managed to close her mouth. “You … uh … you don’t teach for the money, do you? How much was all of this?!”

“It’s an investment,” I said with a shrug.

Celestia nodded. “An Ogres and Oubliettes club? I should have thought you’d do something along those lines. I think that’s a good idea, given our usual student population. I just have one request.” She pointed at the rules. “Please make that sound like something that wasn’t written by an ax-murderer!”

I gave a laugh. “Done, Tia…”

It was the last day of school, and my last class of the day was holding their final. As always, advanced potion making was busy brewing.

A student raised a hoof. “Professor Flask? Do I put the porcupine quills in before or after the-?”

I cut him off. “It’s your recipe, you tell me!” He thought for a few seconds, nodded, and went back to work. Thankfully there wasn’t an explosion.

The testing went well, at least until all hell broke loose.

There was some kind of shockwave we felt even in the basement, followed by a MASSIVE magic surge that had all the unicorns in the room gripping their horns in pain and made me go cross-eyed.

“What the Hell was-?!”

The entire school shook in some kind of explosion. Every bottle, flask, and cauldron toppled to the floor and all the potions in the mixed before they began to sizzle. “Oh, BUCK! RUN!!!!” They didn’t need to be told twice. Once all my students were out, I slammed and locked the blast door. I got to demonstrate why it was designed the way it was, something I’d hoped never to do. The hall shook as what sounded like rockets and fireworks went of in my classroom, with lots of flashes of light. Acrid green smoke oozed out from under the crack, but safely dissipated.

I looked at my students with no small amount of alarm. “IS EVERYBODY OK?!!”

They gave themselves the once-over. They nodded. “Oh, thank God. Right, you experience ANYTHING out of the ordinary, run to a magical accidents ER and tell them you were exposed to at least a dozen mixed potions.” I thought quickly, remembering the room before the blast. “OK, you’ve all passed your final. Congratulations! Go celebrate somewhere safe!” They streaked out. I made it up the stairs.

A rather large chunk of the school was missing. “What HAPPENED?!!”

“A dragon!”

“A dragon attacked the school?” I asked in disbelief. No sane dragon would do that.

“No, a student hatched a dragon, and he grew so big he broke the school!”

Oh. It’s been 8 years… The way time worked for me, it was honestly hard to keep track of the rest of the universe. “Are they … alive?” I asked weakly.

“Yes, he’s in Celestia’s office with his family.”

I dashed off. Celestia’s secretary for the school always annoyed me, but I could live with her. I tried the door. “You can’t go in there!” she shouted.

I rolled my eyes, ripped the door off its hinges, and leaned it against the wall so it could be repaired quickly. I stalked into the room.

Dusk Shine and Shining Armor were quite a bit bigger than the last time I’d seen them, but they were eight years older. Celestia had been in the middle of a conversation and was staring at me in shock.

I turned to Dusk’s family. “Hello. Congratulations on being accepted, I look forward to having you in my class in about 6 years. Well, I’m about to be fired actually, so…”

I rounded on Celestia like an enraged hydra. “ARE YOU INSANE?!!! I shouted loudly enough the room shook. “What possessed you to have a child hatch a dragon for his entrance exam? Did you bother to check how strong he was before then?! His levels are off the chart, even I felt that in the basement! My students nearly DIED, half the school is unusable now, and Arachnos knows if parents will let their children back here!”

“I – I’m sorry…” Dusk whimpered.

I turned to him with concern, my anger draining away. “Oh, no, I’m not mad at you at all. You did what was asked of you, and what you did? That was epic. I’m very impressed, which doesn’t happen often. It’s just that some ponies need to remember that sometimes boredom is safer than excitement,” I said with a glare at Celestia. “Is he alive?” I was met with blank looks. “The dragon you hatched? He’s OK?”

“He’s in the next room,” Celestia said softly.

I went to look. In a large and slightly frilly crib was a teeny purple dragon with small green spines. “Hello,” I said softly. Through some miracle, my outburst hadn’t woken him.

The others were right behind me. “I thought … since Dusk hatched him, Dusk should raise him,” Celestia said.

I gave a very horse like snort. “You’re asking a child to raise a child?”

“He’ll have help,” Night Light added quickly.

“Yes, from me too,” I said with finality. “None of you know anything about dragons, and books only help so much.” I grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled a slightly complex equation. “This is a fireproofing charm; you’re going to want to apply it to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. He sneezes? Fire. Burps? Fire? Hiccups? Three guesses. A dragon with colic is a nightmare. Dragons can eat and enjoy the same foods ponies do, but they also need gems of varying types for nutrition, it’s why they hoard them. Potions use low-grade gems as ingredients, I buy them wholesale from a dealer, it’s … uh... mostly above-board,” I said quickly with a wary glance at Celestia. “They should serve as food while not breaking your bank.” I scribbled some more. “Here’s my gem dealer, I’ll let him know you’re going to be calling him. I’ll pack up my office when it’s safe to go in, you should have somebody cast a couple of wards over the whole area. Thanks, it was fun while it-”

“Maroon,” Celestia said, snapping me out of it.

“Yes?”

She sighed. “You’re not fired.”

“OH. Well, I guess I’ll have to find a way to disappear once I break out of prison…”

Celestia facehoofed. Hard. “Oh, good grief! You’re not fired, you’re not under arrest!” She sighed. “I did test how powerful Dusk was, yes. I was very intrigued, I wanted to push him to his limits, and he passed with flying colors. You’re right. I didn’t think it through. I should have known better. Are your students OK?”

I nodded. “Through one of those inane miracles that keep cropping up in my life, yes. Is everyone else?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes.” Her mouth turned up in an impish grin. “You are quite possibly the only pony in Equestria who would call me out like that, I … could use that for a bit longer.”

“Hmph. If I’m going to be your conscience on top of everything else, I want a raise.”

“Are you … all right?” Celestia asked in a worried tone. “You haven’t been doing well for a week.”

“Today isn’t a good day for me, it hasn’t been for a while. Good luck gluing the school back together.” With that I took my leave.

Celestia glanced at a calendar. “Oh, stars, I’d forgotten…”

I was in the Royal gardens, slumped down and leaning against the base of Discord’s statue. Hey. It’s me. One of Celestia’s students broke the school today with a surge of wild magic. You’d have found that hysterical. Well, not the part where ponies were in danger, I hope, I’m not sure anymore…

I sniffed, and then tears started to run down my face. There was a clap of thunder and it began to pour rain out of nowhere surprising the entire city.

Happy birthday son…

My Brother's Teacher's Keeper

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One of the nice things about a world with ridiculous amounts of magic was that a magical accident like a school exploding was fairly easy to fix. That said, the freak thunderstorm that day had led to lots of accusations against the weather service. The ability to manipulate reality is not always all it’s cracked up to be, case in point, manipulating the weather by having an extreme emotion.

Now that the star of the show was a student at the school, I was curious to see what would happen. Once summer break was over, I still had my job, a universette to run, and one or twenty surprises to deal with…

I had an odd dream; I was in some sort of wood-paneled office. The person behind the desk was an and cream blur, I couldn’t make out anything else about them except for the fact they were humanoid … with yellow eyes? Hey, He said cheerfully. Just checking up on you. You haven’t killed anyone in years, you haven’t blown up a planet for a few millennia, you must be getting better!

I groaned. I recognized the voice. Hello, Smug.

Smug chuckled warmly. I’m surprised you haven’t figured out my name yet, you’ve had plenty of time. … I’m worried about you; you tend to spend too much time alone. May I check up on you?

Only if it’s been a really bad day and seeing you would actually improve it. Wait. Can you physically manifest in my universe?

In a way, I am your universe. See you soon!

I woke up, sat up, and groaned. I glanced over at the Thorax plush Smug had gifted me and my amazing, mostly empty castle.

Go ahead, say it… I groaned.

“Only if you do,” Apep said, placing a paw on my shoulder.

I buried my face into a pillow. I’m incredibly lonely. Don’t get me wrong, you two are good company… I’ve never really been interested in a relationship, outside of a best friend I could spend the rest of my life with.

Apep chuckled and handed me an arrow and an ace of spades.

Har, har.

“You’re not broken, Boss. Just a little different. With all due respect, you’ve been alone for billions of years. There is such a thing as a queerplatonic relationship, you know, and you are deserving of love, no matter what you think.”

I rolled my eyes. Oh, sure. My soulmate is out there in the universe right now, facing his older brother in single combat in a misguided but well-meant attempt to toughen him up.

“That’s … weirdly specific,” Alexis commented.

I just mean that if there was someone “out there” for me, I would have met them by now.

“That would involve actually looking for them,” Alexis commented. I threw a pillow at him, naturally missing. My aim wasn’t much better, even after all this time. Alexis sighed. “Why don’t you go and see the stars? You could use a chance to talk to somebody besides the two of us.”

I nodded, and headed out.

I was walking in space, a thin crystal bridge underfoot stretching off into the distance. Things like time and space could change on a whim here, and it wasn’t my whim. I could spend five minutes walking to get where I was going, or five hundred years. It was very much a case of “we get there when we get there.” How long it took depended on how much my hosts wanted to see me or not, and they weren’t overly fond of me at times.

I finally came to the City of Stars, it hadn’t taken very long to get there this time, they must be in a good mood.

The gates of the city had a definite stellar theme to them, and opened smoothly and soundlessly to welcome me in. I stepped through. I still loved this place, no matter how many times I came here.

It was amazing. The architecture was frankly impossible in three dimensions, with impossibly tall towers corkscrewing and leaning through each other, each spanned by bridges and catwalks. Most of the buildings looked like they’d been designed by M.C. Escher, with stairs that led nowhere or everywhere, and columns that disappeared and reappeared as you counted them. There was an open-air bazar with wares from across the universe being hawked for equally fantastic prices. The night sky was ablaze above us in all its glory, for as much as the city had an “up.” Directions got mixed up and randomly changed, the floor might in fact be the wall, ceiling, or even a door that didn’t look like one.

The … people who lived here were flocking towards us with interest. Some were humanoid, some weren’t at all. They were all various shapes, sizes, and colors, but the one thing they all had in common was that it looked like they were made out of fire. They were all chattering excitedly, they didn’t exactly get many visitors.

I waved at them. Stars were flaming balls of gas moving through space and dragging planets along with them. But they’re also born, they have a predictable lifespan. They develop … quirks, personalities. They have minds, and sometimes their minds … wander. So, they come here. To gossip, shop, … have … relations. Just normal people thing…People watch the stars, but the stars watch back. We’re sort of their soap operas, I thought with a chuckle.

An Alicorn made of yellow fire approached me. “Hello, Trickster…” the former mage said with a grin that light poured out of.

Hello Midas. Enjoying your wish?

Midas nodded. “It’s a pity you turned me into a star, I went from living in my basement to living in the universes penthouse.

Midas, you are the only person in this universe to screw me over twice, I said with a laugh.

I spent some time there wandering and talking, taking in the sights and sampling some of the food.

“Oh! Before you go!” a red dwarf called. “We have a gift for you, for your prophecy. You might not want to make too many of those.” The stars held out their hands, and a stream of light flowed from each of them and formed a long thin object in front of me. It bent at a few right angles and was made of dark metal.

A … crankshaft? I asked in confusion.

“So that you can wake Nightmare Moon.”

My jaw dropped. You want me to BEAT her awake?!

The stars laughed. “It will make sense at the time. Thanks for visiting. Don’t hurry back…”

I nodded. The stars have good reason to not want me around. Among my many other titles is ‘Starsnuffer.’ I create stars, but I also destroy them on rare occasions. I also invented black holes near the beginning of time. A black hole is essentially a dead, inside-out star. Instead of projecting light and warmth, it consumes everything around it. Despite the fact it’s dead, it still exists, and it’s in pain. From a star’s perspective it was horrifying.

When I was done visiting the stars, I wandered through my castle, admittedly feeling better for the social interaction. I would up in my family gallery. There was a portrait of Discord and I on one wall.

Opposite that wall was a wall crammed full of lots of smaller portraits. They weren’t pleasant to look at. On first inspection, they all looked a horse skull over and over again, but on a second look, it wasn’t quite a skull. Some had patches of flesh on them, and all the eye sockets had a glowing red star in them. Each skull had a long curved red horn, and teeth like a mouthful of razor blades. Where there was flesh showing, these things had fluffy dark grey fur, black manes, and red eyes. They were all incredibly similar to each other, but there were slight differences.

Each portrait had a plaque underneath bearing a single word. “Hope, Joy, Youth, Peace Rest, Life, Dust, Ashes, Waste, Want, Ruin, Despair, Madness, Death, Cunning, Folly, Words, Wigs, Rags, Sheepskin, Plunder, Precedent, Jargon, Gammon, Spinach, and Tulkinghorn.” Discord’s older brothers. I meant to create Discord and formed him from a piece of my soul. I didn’t mean to create them. They just … happened. I did think of them as my sons, but they’re about as close to pure evil as you could get, and if I never saw them again, it would be too soon.What they did is unforgiveable…

Tulkinghorn’s portrait had a very large red X through it that made it hard to see anything of the portrait, but Tulkinghorn seemed to be the largest and strongest. Tulkinghorn’s eyes burned with hatred.

There’s was one final portrait. This equine wasn’t partly skeletal, he was all flesh, with a set of fangs that could exist outside a nightmare and green eyes instead of red. The plaque underneath started with the letter “S.”

After work at Celestia’s school the next day, Celestia came into my office. She looked me dead in the eye, and asked, “Were you ever going to tell me who you really are?”

“What do you mean?” I tried.

Celestia sighed. “Arachnos … you are a terrible actor,” she said with a laugh. “You only know how to be yourself. It was obvious. I knew who you were when I first met ‘Maroon.’”

“So why did you hire me?!”

“Because you really were the most qualified, and you wouldn’t take a day job on a whim. Something like that is anathema to you. Your students and coworkers love you, you’re quite brilliant at your job.”

I blinked. “Thank you. … Does this mean I still have a job?”

Celestia nodded. “Of course! Provided you don’t screw up too badly for a while again.”

I nodded. “Hopefully…”

It was a Saturday. I didn’t sleep, but I still objected to being pulled out of my home at some ungodly hour of the morning for a “Staff Assessment and Training Session.” Especially considering the pony doing the assessing.

I’d long ago tuned out Chancellor Neighsays presentation, my brain would have turned to Swiss Cheese. He’d wanted us in the Staff Lounge of Celestia’s school at 6 in the morning, and he hadn’t stopped droning on since.

He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one had a chance to interrupt; it was really quite hypnotic…

I glanced at the clock. Three P.M. I’d been here almost 12 hours!

I glanced at Celestia, who as the official head of the school had been required to put this on her schedule. Her normal, practiced, serene smile had been replaced by a frozen rictus grin and her eyes were slightly glazed.

I’d spoken telepathically to Celestia before, but not as Maroon. Still, since I knew that she knew who I really was…

‘Want me to fake a heart attack? Small earthquake? I haven’t turned into a werewolf in a few centuries…’

Celestia blinked at the interruption before replying back on the same mental channel. ‘Uh. No, thank you. I’ve got this…’

“Thank you for that incredibly detailed and informative presentation, Chancellor!” she said brightly. “I’m sure we’ve all taken it to heart.”

The Chancellor blinked owlishly, clearly not happy to be interrupted. “I’m not finished…”

Celestia nodded. “I know, and I apologize. I completely forgot that I scheduled a dental appointment for 20 minutes from now, and I can’t wait to be rescheduled for six months from now. Perhaps you could send us your lecture summed up as a memo? I know the perfect place to stick it!” she said sweetly with a genuine smile.

Somehow I managed to disguise my laugh as a nasty coughing fit. “Sorry. We haven’t had a water, or a bathroom break today…”

The chancellor nodded. “I suppose the rest can be summed up. Thank you all for your – attendance,” he said with surprise at the instantly empty room.

“Oh, thank the Weaver that’s over!” Celestia groaned. She sputtered at winding up with a face full of salt.

I blinked. “Whoops. Sorry, your Highness, I meant to toss that over my wither, got a bit carried away.”

She could tell it was a genuine accident. “I suppose I’ll recover. May I treat you to lunch?”

I shook my head. “No, thank you. I haven’t been hungry lately, and I wouldn’t want you to miss your vital dental appointment. I’ll talk to you later.”

She nodded and left.

Early Monday morning I visited the campus greenhouse to collect supplies for my classes that month. I always paid fairly for what I took, was careful to not overharvest, and made sure to not touch too many plants. It was an arrangement the Botany/Herbology professor and I had reached.

I headed for my usual section. “Hello, babies!” I called to the plants and a few spiders hiding in the corner. They all waved at me.

As I got the clippers ready, I was interrupted by a sniff, and then a sob.

I turned. Sitting on one of the workstations was a perfect, single rose in a pot.

“Hello?” I called. No response. I sighed. “I know you’re in here. My heat-sensors can detect your presence…”

A 12-year old foal crawled out of his hiding place, dusting himself off. He was wearing a collar so starched you could have used it as a razor blade, and his cutie mark was a single red rose, drooping over.

“Hey there,” I said softly.

“Hi…” It was barely a whisper.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” he replied too quickly. “Just … allergies.”

“Hmm. Is that yours?” I asked pointing to the rose in the pot.

He nodded proudly. “Yeah!” He pointed at his flank. “I can make anything bloom. I just … only do roses. That’s all my parents want me to do. And they have to be perfect… But it’s fine! Everypony loves roses, right?” He gave me a bright smile.

I sighed. “It’s scary what a smile can hide…” I muttered to myself.

“What? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Nothing. No, roses are wonderful. And you do great work! Please excuse me.” I wandered off.

The young floramancer sat down and glanced at his rose before slumping down. He yelped when I slammed a pot down in front of him.

“Hey. Sorry for scaring you. … Everything I touch warps, which means plants die almost instantly. Would you mind making this grow for me?”

“Uh … sure …” His horn lit up.

He stared at what grew in front of him. Bright green, bulbous, and it quickly sprouted nasty-looking thorns. Finally, the cactus bloomed, putting out perfect scarlet flowers.

He just stared at it, and I didn’t dare break the silence. “It’s … beautiful!” he breathed.

“Yeah, it is…” I said with a grin.

He glanced up at me. “What do you mean that everything you touch warps?”

I sighed. “Best if I just show you…” I wasn’t actually an Earth Pony, but in an Earth Pony body I did have Earth Pony magic. I just never used it…

I walked over to a fruit tree. I concentrated, and my right hoof briefly glowed red before I touched the ground.

What looked like vines put out shoots around the bigger tree, quickly wrapping around it for support. They inched their way up and thickened quickly, draining the soil of nutrients. They wove over each other, forming a latticework as a crown formed above the host.

It normally took years for this kind of plant to grow, but in under a minute, I’d made a fully-grown … “Strangler Fig,” I said with a sheepish grin.

“Whoa!”

I grinned. “If you think that’s cool…” I took him over to where they kept the more interesting plants. A fly landed in one of them, and the plant snapped shut. “Fly traps. Carnivorous plants are fun…” I gave him a look. “Flowers aren’t meant to be in boxes…”

“But … what if…”

“There are so many different kinds of plants to nurture, sticking to just one is a waste of your talents. Your parents shouldn’t shoehorn you into doing something that makes you so miserable just to make a quick Bit. You could open your own flower shop and grow whatever you want!”

He nodded. “OK…” He glanced at the plants surrounding us and his horn lit up. Every plant instantly quadrupled in size and kept speeding up. I glanced up, let out a word that you shouldn’t say in front of a 12 year old, and cast a quick spell.

Celestia was visiting the school, meeting with a group of senior staff.

“How are you today, Princess?”

Celestia smiled. “It’s nice to come here to get away from the troubles of court for a while. Just a nice, quiet place without something going horribly awry every few seconds…”

There was a brief but powerful earthquake. The group stared in shock as every plant they could see grew to a massive size almost instantly. Celestia’s eyes widened. “Greenhouse!” she shouted before charging in that direction.

There was no longer a greenhouse. There was a small forest of various plants and a large amount of sand that moments ago had been falling glass shards.

From up in a tree, Celestia heard a groan followed by a familiar voice. Ugh. Yep, your talent is definitely floramancy. If you ever become a villain, you’d be terrifying… I half slithered and half fell out of my perch and dusted myself off. My eyes widened in horror when I saw Celestia looking at me with her mouth hanging open. “Uhh … I can explain!”

“This had better be good,” the Solar Princess growled.

I had explained my point of view, but I was currently explaining it to Chancellor Neighsay. Apparently Green Hoof’s parents wanted my head, and so my butt had been understandably hauled in for a hearing.

When I was done, the Chancellor sighed. “You … have a blatant disregard for any and all authority figures, and you seem to have the Princess wrapped around your little finger. … I can empathize with your reasoning for the actions that led to this incident. However, the students, their parents, and most of all, the student’s safety must come first at this school. I know firsthoof how good you are at what you do, since you helped me with my sleeping troubles, but … I can only come to one decision in this case…”

I walked in my front door, undid my bowtie and collar, and slammed the box holding my office down.

Apep was making something wonderful for diner. The wolf asked, “Hey. How did work go?”

I’m fired… I muttered.

Apep seemed to stretch, growing longer, and thinner, and … were those feathers?

I tried to not scream. Apep had warped into a full-on body horror cross between himself and Discord. He opened his mouth and in a mix of their voices said, “As if anyone could love you!”

I backed away, the kitchen walls closing in. The mix between my son and Id roared, “You let me fall!/You’re worthless!” at the same time. “IT’S YOUR FAULT!”

“N-no … I didn’t…” I protested feebly… “I’m not…”

My front door slammed open. Luna’s voice called out, “Arachnos! You are having a nightmare! Come with us and we will help you!”

I ran to her, only to rush into the vice-like grip of Nightmare Moon. “SIKE!” the villainess called out. Her mouth opened impossibly wide to reveal Sombra’s entire head in it.

“What she said!” Sombra cackled evilly.

I woke up screaming.

There was a knock at the door. I opened it to see Celestia to my shock. No regalia, no flying coach, just … her.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

I sighed. “I could have really hurt someone, I’m lucky I didn’t.”

“It wasn’t you, and you were just trying to help Green…”

“‘I was only trying to help’ is the single longest paving stone on the road to Hell.” I gave an annoyed snort. “I was so close to watching Dusk grow up, too… I’m going to miss everything, my students, my club…”

“So. Dusk was your reason for working at the school,” Celestia said with a small, sad smile.

“You have plans for him too. My plans were just to help with your plans.”

“Aren’t you going to ask for your job back?”

I groaned. “Chancellor Neighsay outranks you at the school, and his decision was final.”

“So, what will you do?”

I shrugged. “Get a cat. Go exploring again. Wait to see my family… My time as Maroon is over, I guess…”

“And yet you’re still living in Maroon’s house, and wearing his face…”

“No one likes a know-it-all, speaking as one. And don’t you go and cause some crisis at the school that only Maroon could solve.”

“I wasn’t going to do that!”

I snorted. “Then if I were you, I would sue my face for slander.” I slammed the door closed.

Celestia was right, I didn’t enjoy working, but … I did. I liked my job, and it gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Without it, I was bored, and I was usually dangerous when I was bored. Worse than bored, I was moody.

It wasn’t even a week later that I got a panicked phone call on a certain number of mine…

I recognized the custom ringtone, the Let the Sunshine In segment of Aquarius by the Fifth Dimension. “Hello, Celestia…”

“There’s a Boggart in the school basement, and before you ask, no, I did NOT put it there, I swear on my mother’s grave!”

“You want me to deal with a Boggart?!” Before she could reply, I sighed and said, “I’ll do it, but it won’t be pretty…” I teleported to the school, looking like Maroon.

Boggarts weren’t inherently evil, but they fed on fear and could force you to relive your worst memories, so they weren’t exactly nice either. Even I didn’t know their actual form, on sight they turned into a physical manifestation of the viewer’s worst fear. If multiple people were looking at a Boggart, it would choose the strongest fear in the group. The really old, really nasty Boggarts developed a taste for the fear of children, which could then metastasize into a taste for children’s flesh. A Boggart in a school was certainly cause for alarm, no matter how young or sweet-tempered it might be. I hadn’t seen one for a few hundred years…

I nodded hello to my cowo – former coworkers and headed down. “Don’t open this door until I come out…”

They locked it behind me. I glanced at what form the Boggart had chosen; my human self.

That’s a low blow, I growled.

There was a snap and its form changed. Looking like my father is just going to make me kill you harder…

It changed again, this time to a pair of humans in dress shirts, dress pants, and ties on bicycles with black name tags and frighteningly bright and cheery smiles.

OK, anthropophobia, you’re getting warmer … Try agoraphobia…

I was surrounded by humans, cramped into the room like sardines. The boggart blinked with all its eyes in surprise when it found itself in a club.

“You’re enjoying this!” it said with shock through multiple mouths.

I don’t get scared, I get angry… My older sons used to pull the ‘your worst fear’ schtick all the time. It didn’t work then either.

“I can hurt you!” the Boggart snarled.

Hmm. It’s not that I’m too kinky to torture, in fact I have a very low pain tolerance, but my messed-up brain interprets EVERYTHING as pain, so you’re talking to someone who’s in constant agony, and omnicidal-maniac level pissed at the world. Anyway, you actually can’t touch me unless I’m scared of you, I said with a grin as I booped it on the nose.

The Boggart growled again, changing into a white artificial Christmas tree with blue and silver ornaments.

I breathed out a stream of rainbow fire and the tree let out comical yelps as it scooted away. They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming… I said in the shape of a green-furred Krampus.

“You can shapeshift too?!” the Boggart asked in shock once it had put itself out.

🎶Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you! 🎶

“Oh no. You’re him aren’t you? The First…”

I grinned wickedly. So, monsters still tell stories about me?

Quite a crowd had assembled outside the doors leading to the basement. Even Chancellor Neighsay had shown up, at Celestia’s insistence.

“He’s been down there for three hours! I mean … it has to have killed him by now, right?”

“He’s … tougher than he looks…” Celestia said.

At that moment, the door blew open, and Maroon, and … Arachnos walked out?! Celestia knew I could be in two places at once, but this was a bit odd, given the circumstances, and … Arachnos was drunk. She’d never seen me drunk.

Maroon gave her a manic, cheerful grin. “Finally found the form or what scares me most. He drank, we fought, it made its progenitors proud, I agreed to relocate it. If that’s all, it’s been a long day, and I’m going home…”

The Boggart chuckled. “You are without doubt, the most messed-up person I’ve had the misfortune of encountering, Daddy-O… Have you ever considered counseling?”

I sighed. “Ain’t nobody got time for that…” We headed off.

“Maroon is terrified of … the Weaver?” another teacher said uncertainly.

That explains a lot… Celestia thought to herself. She glanced at Neighsay. He nodded and walked off.

I was rather shocked when hours later the Chancellor was knocking on Maroon’s door.

“Did I leave something in my old office?”

“You … talked … to … a Boggart. Most people would have killed it. You are … a very unusual stallion…”

I grinned, my teeth looking slightly sharper. “You don’t know a tenth of it…”

“You don’t follow any rules but your own, and even those I’m pretty sure you make up and discard as you go… I cannot begin to convey to you how aggravating I find that. You’re frankly reckless, but … you care.”

“I don’t care about anyone,” I said a little bit too quickly.

Neighsay gave me a piercing look. “If anything, … you care too much. Anyway, if you can find a way to make restitution to Green’s parents, I’m offering your job back. If you’d still like it. I’ve been told it … keeps you saner.”

I blinked in surprise. “Thank you…”

“Well, whatever else you are… you’re damn good at your job,” the Chancellor said with a small smile. “And you care about your students more than most people in their lives. I think … we need that. I’m just going to need to stock up on aspirin.”

“I’ll send you a pallet…”

He nodded and walked off. “You’d better not give me another ulcer!” he called over his withers.

I smiled.

I got a surprise my first day back. A purple and green blur was suddenly wrapped around my foreleg. I chuckled. “The only reason you missed me is because I feed you,” I told Spike.

“Maybe, but he did miss you…” Celestia said.

“Mmm. He’s growing like a weed! C’mon you, I’ve got an Opal with your name on it…”

I was surprised that it had only been 2 years since Dusk had joined the school, it seemed much longer. Dusk was now ten, which meant a certain somepony was 15. I could deal with a 15 year old. I’d left him alone for over ten years from his perspective for one thing, but time’s a funny thing…

A brown earth pony with a slightly darker brown mohawk of a mane wiped the grease off of his hooves on his overalls. He hadn’t developed a talent for gardening, or for caring for animals, but at 15, there were few ponies in Ponyville who knew more about how machines worked than he did. He’d always had a deep dislike of magic, though he couldn’t say why, but give him a broken clock or car and he could make it sing. Lucky for him his adoptive father was a car mechanic…

He noticed a small spider dangling from its thread. “Hello, there…” he said softly, extending a hoof. The spider landed on it, and he set it on the ground. It quickly scuttled away and wound up at the hooves of… The pony screwed his eyes shut and hissed.

“What’s up, Doc?” I asked.

“My name is Time Turner, not Doctor,” he replied in his Trottingham accent. “Anypony who went around calling himself ‘The Doctor’ would be silly.”

“You’re just an ordinary Earth Pony, huh?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

I walked over to the counter and pulled a slim metal rod out of a coffee mug on the counter, switching it on. “An ordinary Earth Pony who made a sonic screwdriver when he was seven…” I concentrated. A car started up and hovered over. “… and who builds flying cars.”

“Oh, no, not again!” Time Turner shouted, not realizing he’d “fixed” the fan belt that well. Again. He looked at me with a nervous grin. “Sometimes I just fix things a little too well, that’s all.”

“Right. And the fact that you have two hearts and breathe with no lungs is just a birth defect, right?”

“H-how do you know about that?!”

I sighed. “I brought you to Ponyville when you were just a foal. Your, uh, quirks are perfectly normal, just not for a Pony.”

“I’m not a Pony?” Time Turner muttered weakly.

“No, you are Pony-shaped though. … You’re a Time Lord.”

“A what?”

I grinned. “It would be better to show you…” I held up a small black metal orb and pressed a hidden button. It whirred to life as a holographic display started up.

The planet Gallopfrey appeared before us, along with circular Gallopyfreyan script providing more knowledge than could be read in one sitting.

Time Turner blinked. “I can read that! What’s ‘Gallopfrey?’”

“Where you’re from. Originally.”

“I’m from another country? Before I was adopted?”

“More like another planet. You might want to sit down for this…”

“So … Time Lords are aliens from the planet Gallopfrey. They were incredibly advanced, and the first species in existence, as well as the first species to master time travel. And yet somehow, I’m the last one, because they wiped themselves out?” Time Turner said in disbelief.

“Do you remember them?”

“No! I don’t remember anything before waking up in the Ponyville Orphanage!”

“They … removed themselves from history. I’m the only person who does remember them. They were led by the Lord High President, who somehow got it into his mind that it was the rightful destiny of the Time Lords to merge with all of space and time. So, he ordered them to do just that. Problem is, it worked. They’re everywhere, so from the perspective of the rest of us, they’re nowhere. You’re walking through them right now. It also had the side effect of working backwards through history, so they never existed at all.”

“And you just let it happen?!” Time Turner shouted.

“No, I didn’t want it to happen at all!” I said, shocked at the accusation. “That level of spell is catastrophically powerful, and by the time I got there, it was already being cast. If I had tried to stop it, I could have unraveled the entire universe. Or worse!”

Time Turner blinked. “So, they were an acceptable loss?!”

“NO! I didn’t want to lose ANYONE! I’m trying to explain! Do you think I haven’t tried to get them back?!! I just can’t!”

“Then you’re a miserable excuse for a whatever-you-are! I HATE YOU! DON’T EVER COME BACK HERE!”

“Please take it easy on Weyan’a, he did his best, believe me,” a voice broke in. “We’re lucky to exist.”

Time Turner glanced over, and his mouth dropped open. Doctor Whooves was looking at his younger self with a patient smile. “Hello. Pretty sure I don’t need to introduce myself. I would shake your hoof, but that causes … issues.”

Time Turner swallowed. “How?” was all he managed to get out.

Doctor Whooves grinned. “Time Lords. It’s in the name. Not magic, science. … Just a little more advanced than what you’re dealing with right now. I won’t force the issue, since heavens knows I remember being your age, and even this conversation, but please. Just give him a chance. Because despite what he may think, when you get to know him, he isn’t so bad.” The Doctor walked off.

“What just happened?”

“Your future self came back in time to give you some advice, a very useful skill to have, speaking from experience. And no, that doesn’t mean you’re destined to become him. It’s just a possibility. But I think you would be amazing, and there’s a whole universe waiting for you to explore up there.”

“Tell me everything.”

“I will, but why don’t you graduate high school while I do?” I said with a grin. “Lord knows ‘everything’ will take more than an afternoon to tell.”

True to my word, I did indeed tell the Doctor as much as I could and was willing to about his people. It helped that I could teach him how to use his touch-based telepathy to share the memories he had lost. I even got invited to a few family diners, which was … nice. Time Turner’s family were all wonderful, and I was happy he had ended up in that good of a home.

It wasn’t my place to tell his family who and what Time Turner really was, but when his adoptive father brought it up, I realized he was OK with telling them. His father joked, “It honestly makes a lot of things make a lot of sense…” He glanced at me. “Thanks. For … bringing him here. I never could have gotten to know him otherwise. Would you consider being his godfather? You know more about him than I ever could…”

“Hey. You are a great father, OK? He never shuts up about you once I got him to talk to me. If you would like me to, I would be honored, but I could never replace you. … I just wanted you to know that.”

He smiled and nodded.

I grinned. “And I’ve got the perfect graduation gift in a few years…”

The Doctor wasn’t the only Ponyville resident I checked up on that year. I had a hankering for apple fritters, so, two birds, one stone.

A small orange colt gave a squeak of alarm and ducked behind the food stall when I came up.

“Applejack!” Granny Smith shouted. “Where are your manners?”

“Sorry, he’s just scary…” Applejack replied.

“I appreciate the honesty. He’s fine, I have that effect. Must be the way I move. Two apple fritters please.”

She smiled. “Absolutely!” as she bagged up the pastry, her expression turned thoughtful. She then laughed. “Ah never thought Ah’d see the day…”

“Pardon?”

She smiled warmly. “We’ve never met, but Ah owe you my thanks. You rescued ma grandfather when he was a foal. Our family was looking for a place to put down roots, and he wandered off from the camp one night. Got mighty lost and was sure he’d be food for the ca-yotes. Then he says the strangest thing happened. A stallion made of light appeared and sang the stars out to guide him home. I always told him, ‘Grandpappy, nopony can sing the stars out!’ but he always said that day changed him. He said if I ever met you, I could tell it was you just by looking at you. He said you’d have a tell,” she said with a slightly mischievous smirk.

I tried to hide my red right hoof. “Oh, well, I uh…”

“Your eyes,” Granny Smith said with finality.

I blinked. “My … eyes?”

She nodded. “Grandpappy said you would have the oldest eyes of any living thing, but that they’d be sad from all the things you’ve seen. He’s right. … I’m sorry for whatever loss yer gettin’ over, but yer eyes are so heavy.” She passed me the bag. “On us. As a ‘thank you’ fer helping our family even be here. Ya probably don’t even remember that night…”

I smiled. “No. I do. I remember everyone. I just didn’t know who he was at the time.” I took the bag. “Many thanks. And next time I’m paying!”

Granny Smith chuckled. “Do ya think Ah’m running a charity here?! Come back and see us any time!”

I was busy giving a lecture on the ethical sourcing of reagents when the room seemed to shift. I blinked.

“Are you OK, Professor?”

“Nnnooo… Uh. Food. Could one of you call an ambulance? Why are you all spinning? I think I’ll go to sleep now, Bon Appetit!” Before I hit the floor, I shouted, “SAVE THE LIVER!”

I woke up in Canterlot General.

The Doctor walked in. No, not that Doctor, a medical doctor.

He gave me a reassuring smile. “Good evening. Do you know where you are?”

“Hospital.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“Low blood sugar?” I guessed.

“Extremely low. Mr. Flask, when was the last time you ate? Everything about you says you’re starving…”

I thought about it. “A little over a year ago…”

The clipboard dropped to the floor. “You haven’t eaten … for a year?!”

“I had some tea… One. Cup. It … slips my mind.”

The Doctor groaned. “Well, we’ll have to keep you for observation, and get you some nutrients.”

“And a talk with your on-staff psychiatrist?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“I understand.”

The Doctor left, and I banged my head against the bed a few times. “IDIOT!” I swore to myself.

I managed to talk my way out of a psych hold. Luckily the shrink understood that while I was certainly troubled, I wasn’t a danger to myself. Just … extremely absentminded.

Once I was released, I was in my office during lunch, catching up on my grading. Someone cleared their throat to get my attention. I glanced up and saw a member of the Royal Guard. He was awfully young, I thought to myself.

“How can I help you?”

“I’m supposed to escort you to lunch, and make sure you eat, sir.”

I blinked. “On whose order?”

“Princess Celestia, Sir. She’s … concerned about you.”

“So, she assigned me my own Guard? To make sure I eat?”

“Yes, Sir.”

I faceplanted on the desk and let out a stream of curses in multiple languages that ended with, “THAT FEMALE!”

“If you’ll accompany me, Sir?”

“Don’t call me ‘Sir,’ I’m not your Capti – SHINING?!” It finally clicked why he was so familiar to me.

“Sorry?”

“You’re Shining Armor, right? Dusk Shine and Spike’s older brother?”

Shining’s jaw dropped. “You’re that crazy professor who broke the door down!”

I nodded. “In person! Have you caused the Princess extreme stress or harm to get yourself assigned to me?”

He cleared his throat. “Permission to speak freely, Si-?” he caught himself in time.

“Granted.”

“The Princess’s exact words were, ‘If you can deal with him, you can deal with anything.’”

“She’s not wrong there…” I glanced at him. “You’re awfully young to be a Guard, have you even finished High School yet?”

Shining cleared his throat. “Yes. I’m 18. They did let me in a bit early though. I passed the exams with flying colors.” He grinned. “Something that runs in the family, it seems…”

“Proud of your little brother?”

Shining smiled fondly. “Absolutely!”

“Mmm. I can’t wait to see what the three of you grow into…” I muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Cafeteria?” He nodded.

I grabbed a daisy sandwich, something I always had to choke down anyway, pony or not pony. “Right, I’m eating, your work for the day is done. I believe a certain someone would like to see you,” I said, pointing out a purple colt who looked like he was trying not to explode with joy.

“Hmmf. You should have more….”

“One step at a time, kiddo…”

“If you’re sure…” A cafeteria half made of teenage mares with a cute Royal Guard walking through it? I’m pretty sure those swoons were practiced. I mean, sure, Shining was good-looking if you were closer to his age but get a grip!

The three brothers had a fun little reunion, which I watched with interest, I’d never observed their family dynamic. Lord, I just sounded like a stalker again…

Life returned more or less to normal, with the addition of a white Unicorn sticking to me like a shadow for a few hours each day.

Truth to be told … I liked Shining. I was hoping we could be friends … a tall order given my first impression, the fact he was being taken away from real work to essentially foalsit me, and the fact that the only reason I was even a teacher at this school was technically to manipulate his brother’s upbringing, even if it was for good reasons.

…

God, no wonder I didn’t have friends…

To my surprise, one afternoon Shining stuck around long after the lunch hour. When I asked why, he told me that Celestia had said I had a surprise for him. I wracked my brains before I realized the date. Yeah, he’d like this…

I led him to a certain room that was my domain twice monthly.

Shining’s jaw dropped. “My brother’s nerd school has an Ogres and Oubliettes club?”

“We’re not a nerd school!” I protested. “We’re THE nerd school! This is the club I sponsor. It’s … surprisingly popular…” I grinned. “Care to sit in?”

Shining wandered over to the shelves of minis and supplies. “I shouldn’t… I have things to – SWEET CHEESE CURLS, THIS SOURCEBOOK ISN’T EVEN IN STORES YET!”

I grinned. “I know a guy…”

Shining cleared his throat. “Um. One … quick session couldn’t hurt, right?”

4 Hours later…

“Sorry, all, I have to kick you out, it’s way too late…”

The students and Shining all groaned. “There aren’t enough hours in the day to fit any story in…” one grumbled.

“Sorry. See you next time!”

“Does that include me?” Shining asked with a smirk.

I chuckled. “See what Celestia says…”

“OK, just tell me something about yourself…” Shining pressed again.

“I’m a very private person…” He rolled his eyes. I laughed. “OK … let’s see, what can I tell you without having to silence you?” I joked “… I taught myself to read when I was 3. By kindergarten I was reading on a college level. So, at the age most children are reading Go, Jane, Go! I was reading Bradbury, Pratchett, Gaiman, Lovecraft, and Poe. … Which admittedly colored my outlook on life…” I sighed.

Shining chuckled. “Sounds like Dusk…”

I nodded. “There are absolutely similarities…”

“Anything else?”

“My family is … strange. We haven’t spoken for quite some time. My fault. What about you?”

“Well, you know my brothers. My family is lower-middle class in Canterlot, so … we tend to get looked down on by the Snobs. Dusk has the brains, I guess that makes me the brawn. My cutie mark is for protecting what I care about, actually. I’m not as good a spellcaster as Dusk, but I’m better at shields and wards than he is…” Shining said with a proud smirk. “So … I joined the Royal Guard. I enjoy it. I’m learning a lot, and I’m making good friends. I’m hoping to move up through the ranks as I get older.”

“I’m sure you’ll go very far. Is there a special somepony in your life?” I asked with a grin.

To my surprise, Shining actually blushed. “Y-yeah. But … she’s a little out of my league. She’s not rude about it though, but … I mean. I’m basically the Royal Guard’s equivalent of an Intern, and she’s …”

“Pretty?” I asked with a grin.

Shining nodded. “Beautiful, inside and out! … You’ll laugh, but I have dreams of living in a Crystal Castle with her someday.”

“Crystal Castle, huh? Pretty lofty goal, but … no, I won’t laugh at that.”

Shining gave an annoyed snort. “I don’t even know why I have that dream! There’s no such THING as Crystal Castle…”

“Not for a long time,” I muttered with a wince.

“What was that?”

“Nothing important… Don’t give up on your dreams, OK? That’s coming from someone who believes Hope is poison, so if I say it…”

Shining nodded. He then looked concerned. “What happened to-?”

I sighed. “Life. Life happened, and it completely broke me. Reality SUCKS. … Even a reality made out of fantasy… It’s nothing you need to worry about, I just have issues.”

“OK. What kind of music do you like?”

“Hmm. Do-wop, oldies, classical, I LOVE jazz… I don’t like a lot of modern music, but some pop is OK… Hate rap, hip-hop, and R&B … funnily enough, music that’s designed to hurt you like acid techno actually relaxes me… Again, I have issues.

“How come you’re asking so many questions?” I countered.

“I want to get to know someone important enough for Celestia to assign a personal guard, I guess. Do you have someone special?” Shining asked with interest.

I shook my head. “No, I don’t like anyone like that. I don’t think I can.”

“Don’t let Cadence hear that, she’d take it as a personal challenge,” Shining joked.

“‘Cadence,’ huh?” I said, managing to sound like I didn’t know who she was. “Oh! Tomorrow for lunch, can we go to the Castle Sculpture Garden?”

“Why?”

“I have an appointment to keep, and it can never be predictable. I haven’t done it on a Friday yet this month.”

“OK…” Shining said in a confused tone.

The next day, I walked with Shining to the Gardens. I wasn’t interested in most of the sculpture, but…

“Discord, this is Shining Armor. Celestia assigned him to me to get me to eat, because … well, you know how I get. He’s a bit young, but I hope he grows up well! He’s in love with a Princess…” I “whispered” loudly with a wink.

“How do you know that?!” Shining shouted. “Wait… why are you talking to a statue?”

“I like to keep him updated…”

“Shining!” a voice called. A pink Alicorn walked into view.

“Speak of the Ram…” I muttered.

Cadence nuzzled her coltfriend before she looked at me. Her eyes widened and her pupils shrank to pinpricks as her wings fluffed up. She started to display all the typical ancient Pony body language when faced with a large predator.

“Cadence, what’s wro-”

“BACK, FIEND!” Cadence said, brandishing a small spider amulet at me.

I raised an eyebrow, and it burst into flames. Cadence shrieked and dropped it. “For future reference … don’t use the Weaver’s holy symbol against me, that’s just going to irritate me. Despite what you think, I’m not evil, though I can understand why you would think that. I’ll be way, way over here until you two are done. Thank you.” I slowly, carefully backed away, looking as non-hostile as possible to her.

Shining rounded on his marefriend. “The Hell was that?! I’ve NEVER seen you act like that!”

“That … thing isn’t a Pony! His aura was … negative. Like a black hole. It was horrifying!”

Shining gave an annoyed snort. “He’s a teacher, Cadence! How dangerous could he be?! For the Weaver’s sake, he teaches my little brother and helped teach us all how to raise Spike! … He’s … weird, yes, and even I think he’s crazy, but he’s not a monster!”

“I’m the Monster…” I muttered, although I was far away enough they didn’t hear me. Curse my supernaturally good hearing! Dang, they were close enough to Discord he could probably hear it all! … If he was listening. All my son could do these days was listen, but I’m certain he chose to tune me out…

I closed my eyes and managed to tune the rest of the argument out.

Finally, Shining walked over to me. “Sorry about that. I swear, I’ve never seen Cadence act like that! That was … very out of character for her. She’s convinced you’re some kind of demon or something,” he said with a nervous laugh. I didn’t reply. “You’re … not a demon, right?” Shining asked quickly.

“Demon? No. … Maybe something along those lines on bad days, it’s hard to tell anymore… … Please run along, I’ll catch up in a second.”

Shining did leave, even if he wasn’t certain he should. I sighed.

The breeze brought a familiar voice I’d been longing to hear for a very long time.

“My, a pony whose gift allows her to see straight through whatever mask you have on? That is just TOO wonderful! If only she knew just how close to the truth she was…”

My jaw dropped. In less than a second, I was in front of a certain statue. Discord?

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m still imprisoned. It’s taking quite a lot of my energy to even have this conversation. I just found that quite amusing. …

“The chains you built for me are loosening, I imagine I’ll be out of here in ten or so years…”

I’m not the one who put you in there.

“If you say so. You do know that once I’m free, I will make sure that each and every one of your PRECIOUS little ponies pays the price for what I’ve been through?”

A thousand years for you, much, much longer for me, and you’re still pissed. You DO take after me! I groaned. If you want to try for revenge again, I won’t stop you, or interfere unless I HAVE to, I’m just going to state for the record it won’t end well…

I sighed again. I love you, son… There wasn’t any response.

I walked away, before I heard a whisper of, “I know…”

On a whim, I shapeshifted to a Pegasus to visit Cloudsdale. It wasn’t long before I spotted two familiar faces. Lord, Butterscotch was a beanpole, even this young!

He and certain cyan pegasus were sneaking over to the weather factories.

“Are you sure about this, Rainbow?” Butterscotch asked. “I’ve heard that at night they chop up Pegasi who fail their flight tests here!”

Rainbow Blitz gave an annoyed snort. “Butterscotch, all those stories about the rainbow factory are just old mare’s tales they tell children. Besides, I’m here! What could happen?”

My hero, I thought with an eye roll.

“I always say, you’ve got to stick by your friends!” Rainbow continued.

They both crept in. I followed, unseen and unheard. I quickly worked out that Hoops and Dumb Bell had dared the two in here to scare them. Well, fair’s fair…

Something wet dribbled onto Hoop’s whither. He glanced up and let out a horrified scream. Some … thing with far too many eyes and teeth grinned down at him from the ceiling, still drooling over the tasty treat below. Hoops nudged Dumb Bell who also screamed, and the two colts sped out of the factory, running straight into Rainbow Blitz and Butterscotch.

“Woah! Hey, what’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrible monster in there!” Hoops screamed.

Rainbow puffed out his barrel. “I got this. Follow me guys!”

The remaining three followed him nervously. As they got deeper into the factory, something clanged nearby. Hoops looked about ready to pass out … until a black cat trotted out.

It glanced at them. “Meow?” it said in a confused tone.

Rainbow let out a snort of laughter. “Ooooh, so scary!” he teased.

“I’m telling you; it was there!” Hoops protested as he poked around. Nopony here but us shadows…

Butterscotch walked over to the cat and held out his hoof. The cat gave a cautious sniff, before butting his head against Butterscotch, who began to pet him.

Ohhh, yeeeahhh~ A little to the left… There! Right there! Was I purring? Yes, but this colt knew just how to make me melt.

Eventually, all four of them left, still bickering, and I headed out as well.

I was busily stocking supplies when I heard a pitiful whimper from behind me, informing me that an abused child had been left to starve.

I chuckled. “I’m not a food pantry, you know…” There was only a dying gurgle. “Use your words, please…”

“PLEASE FEED ME!”

I laughed and turned around. Spike was only a few years old, but had grown like a weed, and was speaking and thinking on the level of about a ten-year old at this point. Dragons were weird; instant childhood, normal teenage years, then centuries as an adult…

“Well, thanks for saying ‘please.’ What do you want today?”

Spike thought about it. “Emeralds?”

“I think I have some in stock…” I walked further into my supply closet. “How are you all doing?”

“You hang with Shining more than I do…” Spike grumbled.

I winced. “Sorry about that. … I’m not trying to take him away from you or anything. I’ll try and get him to be with you more when he’s … managing me.”

“Is it true you don’t eat unless he makes you?”

“Noooo…yes. I’m … sick in the head most days. It helps if someone reminds me of basic stuff like that. It won’t be forever.” I found the requested gems. “Ah! Here we go…” I reached up to get them, slipped, and fell flat on my back, the tray and gems flying off the shelf.

“OOF! Sorry, I’m extremely klutzy, it runs in the famil-” My eyes widened. The tray and gems were floating gently in a lime-green aura shaped like small flames.

Spike was holding his claws up his eyes wide as well. “Am … am I doing that?” he asked.

“… I’m not…” I replied slowly. “Levitation is almost instinctual…”

The tray and emeralds clattered to the ground. “Hoo, colt, I’m praying I’m wrong…”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No! Not at all! It’s just…” I crouched down. “Hop on!”

Spike climbed aboard, and I dashed down the hall, arriving at the Enchantments classroom. “Give me a thaumometer!”

“Uh, what?”

“A thaumometer I know you’ve got spare; I’ll pay you back if I have to!”

I examined the small glass cube. I eyed Spike. “Could you levitate this for me?”

Spike glanced at his claws. “Uh, I don’t know how…”

“I got you. Catch!” I threw it as hard as I could at him.

Spike instinctively raised his claws to block the attack, and green flames licked into life around it. The thaumometer began to whistle like a teapot as it quickly pulsed different colors.

“Sorry…” I took the device out of harm’s way. “Uh. Am I reading this right?” I passed the other professor the thaumomoter.

His jaw dropped. “SWEET MOTHER OF – daffodils,” he finished, remembering Spike was a baby dragon.

“I was reading it right.” Spike understandably looked nervous. “You didn’t do anything wrong, OK? You’re a Sparksoul, Spike.”

“I’m a what?”

“A Sparksoul is a Dragon capable of casting magic the way a Unicorn does, only a lot stronger. They’re … unbelievably rare, less than one in a million Dragons are Sparksouls. There hasn’t BEEN one in over two-thousand years. If you were in the Dragonlands right now, you’d have just been decreed Dragon Lord, and been raised to take that position. It’s tradition, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Oh, and in terms of raw power … you’re off the scale. You’re basically a Dragon Alicorn, if that helps.” I grinned. “You’re not a reincarnation of anybody, are you?” Seeing his blank look, I said, “Never mind. … I’m going to have to have a parent-teacher conference about this…”

“Spike’s a WHAT?!” Everypony shouted.

I thought of how to put it in terms they’d understand. “A Sorcerer? His bloodline gave him magic. It’d be interesting to trace, but we can’t…”

“Ohh!” Shining Armor, Dusk Shine, Twilight Velvet and Night Light said when the Ogres and Oubliettes reference clicked for the entire family. Celestia just looked confused.

I chuckled. “Verse 25: And Nerd Begat Nerd, and it was good…”

Dusk was thrilled. “I can teach Spike magic!”

“Actually, Dragon magic is very different from Unicorn magic. Dragons don’t have horns, so they channel their magic through gestures and words. In Draconic, is the problem. Do any of you speak Draconic?” Everyone shook their heads. “… I’m fluent… I also know the gestures for most of the spells …. I spent a lot of my youngers years in the Dragonlands. I can teach him after school? With supervision, since I’m certain you’d require that. I’ll do it for free too, it’s actually an honor to meet a Sparksoul, even a young one…” That last part was true for me.

“May I speak with you in private?” Celestia cut in. I nodded. She practically dragged me to an empty classroom. “What do you think you’re doing?” the Princess of the Sun hissed.

I blinked. “I just thought it would help if I taught him magic, since none of you know how it works for dragons. I – do you think I’m going to manipulate him for my own ends or something? I’m a bad influence, but-”

“Have you forgotten what happened to the last child you raised?”

The atmosphere got frosty, literally as the temperature plummeted and the room got covered in ice. YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE WITH ME. Celestia stammered something out. I would pick your next words VERY carefully if I were you, but as long as we’re laying our cards on the table…

A tarot deck sprang into existence and shuffled itself, appearing in an arch before a selection shot out at her. My evil plan is just to help with your evil plan. Or were you going to pretend you don’t have plans for the entire family?

Celestia stared at the cards. The Sun, with a picture of her; followed by the Moon with Luna; Starswirl as the Magician; the Stars with Dusk ascending to Alicornhood; the Lovers with Shining Armor and Cadence in their wedding clothes in the pose they banish Chrysalis with; the Elements of Harmony (the gems, not the Bearers) as the Wheel of Fortune; Sombra as Death; Discord as the Hanged Man; an older Spike as the World; Yours Truly as the Devil; and finally an older Dusk Shine on the Throne of Equestria as the Emperor.

Look familiar?

“How … do you know all of that?”

My maternal great-grandmother was Fey, remembering the future before it happens runs in the family…

“Arachnos…”

Saturday-morning television? I tried.

Celestia sighed. “I won’t get a clear answer, I’m used to that with you. Yes … I have … hoped such a future might be possible since Luna…”

I nodded. And the last few pieces just so happened to click into place when Dusk hatched Spike?

Celestia chuckled. “Yes. Does it … happen?”

I shrugged. Speaking as the person who invented time travel in this universe, the past is more or less immutable, but the future is never certain. I know a future, that doesn’t mean it’s the future, it’s just a possibility. But it’s the one I like best, trust me, I’ve looked at many others.

“So, your offering to teach Spike the way dragons cast magic was…?”

What I said, out of you lot, I’m the most qualified. I don’t manipulate kids for my own evil ends, give me some credit…

Celestia grinned. “No, you just become their potions professor, and a major pain in my flank…”

Haven’t I always been a pain in your flank? Since you were, what, eight?

“I think twelve.”

OK, slightly manipulative then.

“How old are you now?”

Too old for most of this…

That got a chuckle out of Celestia. We walked back into the room where Dusk’s family was waiting. “My most sincere apologies for that,” the Princess said. “After a bit of discussion, I agree with Maroon that he should teach Spike to use these abilities. Provided he does it on his own time, pays for any supplies needed, and does not take away from Spike’s duties to and relationship with his brothers.”

I rolled my eyes. “Deal,” I said with the speed of a striking snake. I grinned. “And, for my first trick… Can you copy what I do with my hooves?” I made a fairly complicated gesture. It took Spike two tries, but he managed to replicate it perfectly. “OK, you’ll need to repeat this, I can say it as many times as you want…” I said a phrase in Draconic, and the assembled ponies winced at the harsh sounds that sounded like they were shredding my throat.

Spike got that on the first try.

“OK, now say that while making that motion with your claws.”

Spike did, and to his amazement a really tasty looking sandwich appeared in his claws.

“Congratulations, Spike, you’ve learned your first spell! I expect you to put it to good use,” I added with a wink. “We’ll work out a day and time for me to teach you more.”

Spike almost unhinged his jaw to swallow the sandwich in one gulp. “Yum!” He gave me a sideways glance. “Uh … what exactly can I do?”

“Well, like I said, you’d be Dragon Lord under normal circumstances, the reason being that at your full strength you could wipe an army off the map with a single spell. I’m not exaggerating when I say that you’re going to be one of the most powerful mages in the world. Not just Equestria, the world.” I paused to let that sink in. “Might take you a few centuries though, so don’t let it go to your head just yet.”

“How do you know so much about dragons?” Shining asked.

“In the words of the Beach Colts, ‘I get around…’ If you’ll all excuse me, I need to go brush up on my Draconic, it’s been quite some time.”

Cadence was lying on a couch, her eyes narrowed, the tip of her tail occasionally twitching. “He gives me the creeps. There’s something seriously wrong with him. You don’t see that?”

Blueblood looked thoughtful. “Maroon Flask? That name is famili – Ah. About yea high?” as he held up his hoof. “Fur a hideous shade of red? … Seems insane?”

Cadence blinked. “You know him?”

Blueblood shrugged. “Aunt Celestia has brought him to the Grand Galloping Gala a few times, I suppose as a novelty. He is her employee. He … certainly livened the event up.”

“What happened?!”

“Oh, nothing bad. He was ignored, undeservedly so, so he slunk off and found the organ in the basement. We all thought the castle was haunted. In hindsight it was amusing. He always looks like he knows more about you than you know about yourself. Every time he looks at me, he bursts out laughing, which is concerning, but I’ve been assured that’s normal for him. His mind is … unusual, and he’s just remembering something funny.”

Blueblood sighed. “Maroon is … odd, to put it lightly, but I don’t think he’s evil, like you’re suggesting. I trust Aunt Celestia’s judgment, I doubt she would hire a demon,” the Prince said with a small smile. “Now, don’t you have somewhere important to be, my cousin?”

Cadence glanced at the clock and her eyes widened before she quickly said her goodbyes and literally flew out the door.

Across town, I was walking with Shining Armor. “But what if I mess this up?”

“You like her, she likes you. It doesn’t need much more than that. I somehow doubt this will ruin your friendship. May I give you some advice?” The younger stallion nodded. “Either give a relationship a shot, or you’ll spend your entire life wondering what could have been until you’re hit by a car in your mid-twenties, die, and wind up in charge of a miniature universe.”

“That’s … oddly specific…” Shining commented with a furrowed brow.

“Oops. I just mean it’s best to give this a shot, otherwise you’ll never know if it could have worked out. It’s your first kiss, so just be shaky, and rubbish, and miss the first time.”

“Why?”
“Because you’re going to do that anyway, so best to plan for it. You got this! Otherwise, I’ll have to teach you bird mating dances…”

“What?!”

“GO!” I said, shoving him into the open before ducking behind a bush.

Shining met an equally out-of-breath Cadence, tucking a strand of his mane behind his ear.

They both chuckled. “Sorry, I was talking with my cousin, and I lost track of time. How have you been?” Cadence asked.

Shining chuckled. “Busy. Apparently Spike is some sort of Dragon Wizard. Well, Sorcerer, but still."

“Wait, what?!”

I gave them some space. There was not a surprisingly mobile bush with a pair of binoculars sticking out of it. I didn’t spy on them at all, actually, I had not a clue what happened until Shining tracked me down much later.

“How’d it go?”

He nodded eagerly, blushing furiously.

I chuckled. “Nice to see she makes you speechless.” We started walking in no particular direction. My stomach growled; I’d forgotten to eat again. “Sheesh. I’m so hungry, I could eat a-” I glanced at the wall of muscle that was Shining Armor. “Never mind. Let’s get some hayburgers. My treat.”

I walked through a door; Shining close behind. He smacked into something and fell down. A few seconds later I realized he wasn’t behind me still and stuck my head through the door. “Oh. Right. Doorknob.” I pulled my head out of the door and opened it. “You really do forget the little niceties after a while…”

Shining’s jaw was almost on the floor. “What are you?”

“Absentminded, apparently. … Cadence is … pretty close to the truth. I’m not a demon, but my aura is incredibly messed up and wouldn’t read like a pony’s at all.”

“And you can walk through walls?”

“It’s a useful skill. Hayburgers? Yes? No?” Shining mutely nodded.

15 minutes later, around a mouthful of fries my Royal Guard foalsitter asked, “Are you a pony?”

I liked Shining. He was… a friend. I didn’t want to lie to him, and anyway, a few billion years had only improved my ability to lie so much.

“This body is…”

Shining’s eyes widened. “Holy Weaver, you’re possessing him?!”

I winced. “Don’t call the Weaver holy or swear by him, ok? Never do that in front of me! And, no, I’m not possessing anypony! You can’t possess a sapient being without their express permission, it’s hard enough to drill an idea into someone’s head, overriding free will is definitely out. This is my body. I made it. … It just isn’t always a pony…”

Shining looked like he had a headache. “Are you dangerous?”

I nodded. “Incredibly… Yes, Celestia is fully aware of what I am, yes she’s fine with me teaching students, and yes I am reading your mind. I just try to avoid it. I don’t want to read my own mind most of the time… Sit back since you feel like you might pass out…”

Shining did. “Will you ever tell me what you are?”

“Will you ever figure it out?” I countered with a smirk. “I’ll give you hints. Just not today.”

“Are you evil?”

“I’m not qualified to answer that. I can’t judge myself, I’m too prejudiced. I want to say no. In all honesty, I’m probably an anti-villain, and my family is … interesting.”

“Anti-villain?”

“… Someone who does evil things for good reasons. An example is solving a famine by … uh … lessening the population to decrease the demand for food. Not that I’ve done that. Good and evil is a little too black and white. I’m just … me. And no one judges me harsher than I judge myself. That’s all you get for today, ask me more tomorrow. Now, my turn, how did your date go? Using words this time…”

“You’re certainly nosy…”

I grinned. “I should probably be doing everything in my power to stop you and Cadence from getting together, no, I won’t say why, but … Twu Wuv is hard to stop.”

Shining chuckled. “It’s not true love.”

I shrugged. “Eh… Might get there someday.”

“Why should you stop us?”

“Nothing bad. Just … well … we’ll get there when we get there. If I tell you, it will only make things worse. You and Cadence are good for each other, and I’m not going to get in the way of that.”

And so, on it went. I honestly wasn’t sure how long Celestia planned to have the poor kid glued to my side. I was certainly eating better…

Spike was learning magic at a decent rate. He wasn’t quite the magical prodigy Dusk was, but he was mastering some basic useful spells.

For me at least, life went on pretty much as normal until one winter morning something went wrong. For being the Sire of Chaos, I liked things like routine and predictability.

So, when somepony who had been there every day rain or shine didn’t show, I naturally had a massive freak out.

After school I headed over to the Canterlot Barracks. I didn’t find who I was looking for but watching a few of the guards train I suddenly had bigger problems.

“What the-? No.”

One of the Guards turned to look at me. “I’m sorry?”

“Who taught you how to use a sword?! Your form is entirely wrong. You’ll get knocked down if you try and swing that! You’re also holding the wrong part.”

“Who are you?!”

“Marron Flask. Teacher.”

“And you know how to sword fight better than the Royal Guard?” By this point a crowd of other trainees had gathered and where watching with interest.

“If that’s the way they teach you to sword fight, I could beat all of you with my bare hooves.” They all died laughing. “That wasn’t a boast. If you’d like, I’d be willing to prove it…”

“Well, seems you’ve been challenged, Solar Shield. You going to back out?” That stallion’s armor was that of their commanding officer, who had heard the whole exchange. Welp. I was dead. Except … he was … smiling?

“I think I can handle myself, Sir,” Solar replied. Solar looked at me. “You sure you don’t want a weapon?” I shook my head. “Right.” Solar grabbed a wooden practice sword instead and took a stance that looked like it was off the cover of a comic book. I had to physically stop myself from rolling my eyes. “Uh … I don’t want to hurt you…” Solar said.

I gave him a foxy grin. “I wouldn’t worry about it…”

Solar blinked, and then his eyes widened. “Wait, where did-?” *WHUD. Solar went flying and landed face down in a snowbank.

Another guard asked, “What just hap-?” Before he went flying as well.

In a shape that would have looked like a pinball’s motion, other guards got knocked down as well.

One yelped as I stopped in front of him. There wasn’t a jump scare, between one instant and the next I was just there, my nose almost touching the tip of his sword. “What’s the matter?” I asked with an evil smirk, “Can’t hit what you can’t see?” By the time he swung the sword I was long gone, and in another moment he joined two of his friends.

In less than a minute, the entire group of trainee guards was incapacitated. I stopped in front of their commander, and my eyes widened. “Whoops.”

Before he could get a word out, a voice called, “My office! NOW!”

I turned and suddenly felt very, very afraid. What I had just done was incredibly stupid and had been witnessed by the Captain of the Royal Guard. I was toast.

I followed the smoke grey stallion in. He took off his helmet and placed it on his desk with a loud thud. I wasn’t speaking.

To my shock, he started to snicker. He glanced up at me. “I always knew physically fighting you was a stupid idea, but that proves it. Mind you, what you did to me was worse, Weaver.” My eyes widened. He chuckled. “Sorry, would you prefer I call you ‘Maroon?’ Your secret is safe with me, though I hear you’ve been pretty blatantly dropping your current mask around a certain recruit of mine. I can’t see the future, but it’s a pretty safe bet that someday Shining Armor will be behind this desk. Will you do to him what you did to me?”

I swallowed. “Y-you asked me to, when your time came…”

He chuckled. “‘Show me my worst fear come true.’ Ah, the arrogance of youth. I still sleep with a nightlight. But, after therapy, I think I’ve forgiven you. It was just an illusion, and it did make me a stronger guard and leader, which is why I asked you to do it. A word of advice, if you’re trying to pass as a mere mortal, work at it a little harder. At least you’ve never done anything I’d have to arrest you for!” he joked.

I sighed. “In your lifetime… which from my perspective these days is no time at all…”

“Hmm. Well, I’ll let you off this time with a warning to act like a pony, since to be fair, those colts were still wet behind the ears and having their butts handed to them on a plate was good for them. Take care of yourself.”

I nodded and headed out. I finally spotted Shining Armor, furiously writing into a notebook. He spotted me. “How fast ARE you?!”

I sighed. “I can move as fast as I can think, so … pretty fast. I can’t do it for very long, mind you, but sunbeams seem slow. The speed of thought is much faster than the speed of light. You have an entire notebook for me? I’m flattered, but maybe find a new hobby?”

“Oh, HUSH!” Shining snapped. I had a feeling I would be hearing those words in that exact tone from his family for eons to come… “I’m just interested. Let’s see … you’ve got super speed, super strength, you’re telepathic apparently, you can walk through walls, you don’t eat normally, you melt holy symbols by being close to them, you act like you’re hundreds of years old and have the knowledge to back it up, and you detest sunlight from what I’ve heard, and can control snakes and spiders… You’re a vampire, right?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Shining, I’m a vampire. Celestia is my chief bride. We’re planning to turn the country over to communism and usher in a glorious age of night. No. I’m not a vampire, though I have met a few…” I sighed. “As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, I’m not an Earth Pony, I can just look like one. I’ll tell you some day, but first, where were you?!”

“Huh?”

“You weren’t there today! I thought you were dead for a second!” I took a deep breath. “Sorry. I consider you a friend, and that means I can get … kind of possessive,” I explained nervously. “It’s one of the reasons I don’t really have friends.” I cleared my throat. “Also, if I have an established routine that gets interrupted or doesn’t happen, I … don’t handle it well. I’m working on it.”

“Sorry, I got called in for extra training today.”

“Not your fault, just … glad you’re all right.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t eat today?” I shrugged with an embarrassed grin. Shining sighed. “Since you’re apparently loaded, want to buy us a pizza from that place near Celestia’s School?”

I nodded. “Sure!” I grinned. “Race ya!”

Shining blinked and I was gone. He grumbled, “Son of a-”

A voice said in Shining’s ear, “Actually my mother was an accountant, though I’m sure most people would say same difference…” Shining yelped and leaped about five feet in the air.

“DON’T DO THAT!!!!” Shining screamed.

I winced. “My apologies. In fairness, most people don’t notice me when I’m not moving quickly, so that’s the pretty standard reaction to my clearing my throat to get their attention… I’ll walk with you, quietly, so you know where I am.” Shining nodded, and we snagged a great pizza to split.

“Sorry for the way I got. You’ve been better to me then I deserve. Is there any way I could repay you?” I asked.

Around a mouthful of mozzarella, Shining said, “Nah, I’m good.” He swallowed and gave a chuckle. “Unless you can show me the future… That’d be neat…”

Shining’s eyes widened at the rictus grin I had at that request. “Are you sure? There are things I’d much rather give you… Does it have to be seeing the future?”

“Wait, you can do that?”

I nodded, “Yes, but it always goes poorly. Sure, it starts out well, but then there’s the horrified screaming and the cutting my head off because you didn’t like what I showed you…”

“WHAT?!”

I shrugged. “Doesn’t slow me down, just hurts like you wouldn’t believe. All right. I need some sand… can you meet me at the park on seventh tomorrow morning at nine?”

“Uh, sure…”

Shining was very punctual, and met me at the sandbox, which I’d cleared of snow. “What’s this for?”

“So, you can see what I see…” I pulled out a blindfold. “I’m already regretting this…”

“What’s the blindfold for?”

I tied it around my head. “Sensory processing issues when I’m staring at one point of spacetime, and my eyes get … freaky when I do this, so it’s for your benefit too. Please be quiet.”

Shining sat and was silent. To his shock, the sand began to whip up around us before forming into a tornado. Flashes of color appeared throughout the maelstrom. Over the wind, I shouted, “Right, I’m going to narrow this down to focusing on your family for say … thirty years from today.”

Images and sounds formed faintly before disappearing until they strengthened in detail.

A slightly older Dusk Shine was lying in a bed, shouting, “No! All the ponies in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?!”

The image blurred to a black and blue smear and a voice shouted, “Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!”

The image blurred again as a group sang out, “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap, Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer!”

Dusk was backing away from a hole in the ground screaming, “SNAKES! SNAKES!!!” before he backed into a cave and ran out screaming as a swarm of bats chased after him.

A frightening visage appeared “on screen,” with vaguely goatlike features and mismatched horns. Frightening red eyes sat over an evil grin as whoever this was cackled, "Looks like we might be due for a big old storm of chaos!" to a theatrically timed flash of lightning.

Next, Dusk had a slasher smile as he cackled, “If I can’t find a friendship problem, I’LL MAKE A FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM!”

As the image blurred again, Dusk’s voice said, Hi, my name is –"

A voice replied, “Star Swirl the Bearded. Commendable costume! Thou even got the bells right...”

You could hear Dusk’s beaming smile as he said, “Thank you, finally! Somepony who gets my costume!”

A gigantic purple and green dragon roared, “SPIKE WANT!!!”

Shining was screaming, “If I were you, I wouldn’t show up to the wedding!”

Dusk said, “I just lost a brother…”

The scene changed again; it was a wedding. Dusk was singing, “Love is in bloom, A beautiful bride, a handsome groom, Two hearts becoming one..”

The “camera” panned over the crowd, and Shining spotted a very freaky looking creature in attendance at this wedding. He was some sort of taur, with the lower half of a lion. His upper half was very strange, with white fur, six arms, a goatlike head with fangs and a rainbow mane, and four large wings covered in dozens of eyes. He was wearing a tux, and the eyes in his face and eyes in his wings were bleeding. He turned away from the crowd of partying ponies and quietly stepped through a portal before disappearing.

Next a dark stallion who looked like he was made entirely of smoke except for a terrifying head shouted, “That is mine!”

A purple and green dog was saying, “Wait … so you look like you’re talking to a dog?”

A voice replied, “Eh, I’ve looked like I’m crazy too long to care. Let’s see if I can find us a place to stay. Oh. And Spike? … Who’s a good boy?”

“Oh, gosh! Me, me, it’s me!” … Spike shouted ecstatically.

An older version of Dusk that had wings now said, “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

A voice replied, “It's just... you were mumblin' to yourself...”

A second voice added, “Ooh! And don't forget the uncontrollable sobbing!”

A soft voice said, “We were really worried about you.”

A very distinct voice Shining had heard a few moments ago said, “I for one found it delightful. Sort of a one-pony theater piece, if you will. You should really consider taking it on the road!”

Blur. Dusk and a massive black and red Centaur were having a magic fight of anime-level epic-ness. The world around them was reduced to a blasted wasteland.

Blur. Shining and Cadence were at another wedding, Shining sobbing uncontrollably. “He … always cries at weddings,” Cadence explained, sounding strained. The view panned to a group of children in the back staring in horror at a black, insect-like equine.

The strange creature cleared his throat. “Uh, I’m just here for the food…”

Blur. Dusk was standing on dark, hateful looking stone. A voice asked, “Where are we?”

Dusk glanced around. “I think we’re in Hell…”

The first voice yelped, “WHAT?!”

As the scene changed, a chorus sang out, “In Our Town, in Our Town, we work as a team, you can't have a nightmare if you never dream…”

Blur. A heart made out of crystal shattered to the sound of a high-pitched baby’s crying.

Blur. Spike was pulling a red crystal scepter out of a stone.

Blur. Shining was shouting, “Spike! What are you doing?! Get away from that thing!”

Blur. Grogar, the embodiment of evil, was grinning, and saying, “Thanks for bringing a whole army kiddo, I’m STARVING!”

Blur. Dusk was on a rooftop, in a decaying city. Something was talking to him. Shining realized it was a Mind Flayer from Ogres and Oubliettes, though it was bipedal instead of quadrupedal, and … it looked like a child? Good grief, a Mind Flayer child. That was horrifying… It’s tendrils moved in an approximation of a smile, and it said to dusk, “Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about…” It then shoved Dusk off the roof.

Blur. The shadow pony from earlier was now more solid and reclining on a crystal throne. “Ah! Long live the King…” he purred evilly.

Blur. A statue, of three creatures, two cowering, and one flying with an enraged snarl.

Blur. The shadow pony was back, and at his hooves was a baby alicorn? How was that a thing, and who in their right minds would let him near a baby?!

He growled at the filly lightly, more a lightly annoyed growl than a dangerous one. “Your attempts to manipulate me won’t work…”

The filly giggled and hugged his leg. His red eyes widened in fear. “RELEASE ME!” he ordered. She just hugged tighter. The stallion flailed the leg with the filly still attached so quickly it was a blur. “Sunburst? Sheepskin? HEEEELLLLPPP!!!” he shouted as the miniature demigoddess dragged him away to her lair to snuggle him to death.

The scene blurred again and the same Alicorn filly was surrounded by a group of … of … well, nightmares. That was the only appropriate word for what they were. They were made mostly of smoke? No, shadows. The shadows flowed and ebbed away, revealing bare yellowed bones. In their eye sockets shone red stars, and oh, those teeth. Teeth like those couldn’t exist in the real world. The fact that they all had butterfly wings didn’t help them to look cuter, since the wings were all monochrome with markings that looked like goat eyes.

The evil looking Alicorn stallions were tossing the baby back and forth like a hoofball, and singing something, though Shining couldn’t make out the words. The filly was having the time of her life, though, whooping with laughter.

---

I tore the blindfold off, my eyes returning to normal. “The heck are THEY doing there?!” I shouted.

I glanced at Shining. Under his white coat he was even paler than normal. His mouth was open, and his eyes were wide as his left ear occasionally twitched. Massive freakout incoming…

“Uh, I know most of that looked incredibly awfu-”

“YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Shining screamed.

I winced. “Every time…” I muttered. Shining continued screaming. “Listen, you just got snapshots that for whatever reason focused on the bad, there’s a lot more that … Do you maybe want to inhale before you pass out?!” I snapped. Shining continued screaming. I rolled my eyes. “Oh, for my sake…” I gripped his head. “Hey, Shining? Look at me… Forget…”

Shining was confused by the way my voice echoed, but as he stared into the pretty swirling colors all his worries drained away, along with ... something else. He was completely at peace, perfectly safe, and happily floating in a mental fog.

I snapped my fingers, and he snapped out of it. Shining shook his head. He blinked. “You hypnotized me!”

I sighed. “Yes, because what I showed you broke you. Oh, look, I get to say, ‘I told you so!’ I didn’t do anything else to you or plant a posthypnotic suggestion or anything. I showed you the future most likely to happen as of this second, but for whatever reason it mostly showed the bad stuff. There’s far, far more good. Also, the past is for all intents and purposes immutable, but the future is anybody’s guess. That was a future. You could trip and break your leg on your way home and in 20 years Equestria will be conquered by evil alien quesadillas or something. The future is weird like that. So don’t worry about what you saw, odds are it probably won’t happen anyway.”

There was suddenly a magenta sword hovering directly in front of my nose. “I get you like being mysterious, but if you don’t tell me what you are RIGHT NOW, SO HELP ME I’LL-”

“I thought you just did shields!”

“It’s a hard-light spell, it does pointy things too.”

“Duly noted.” I carefully scooted out of melee range and reached behind Shining’s ear. With a theatrical flourish I produced what looked like a business card and carefully passed it to him.

Shining’s eyes narrowed as he read it. “What’s this?”

“I assume they still teach you what a library reference number is? If not I’m REALLY going to need to complain about the state of education in Equestria these days. That’s a book in the Canterlot Library that will tell you far more than I want to.” I sighed. “Pity. I … enjoyed being … close to your friend.”

“You still are!” Shining said in a confused voice.

“When you find out what I am, you’ll hate me. It’s … inevitable. Happy reading… Come and find me when you’re done, I can manage on my own for a few days…” I stood up and stretched, dusting the sand off of me.

By the time Shining opened his mouth to object I had vanished. “Son of an accountant…” he muttered.

Shining took the number I’d given him to the library. He showed it to the librarian, who looked like she was about to have heart failure just from seeing the card. She led him through the maze that made up the stacks into a smaller, very old looking room with a hoofful of books.

“I … didn’t know this section of the library existed…” Shining said in awe.

“It doesn’t,” the librarian muttered darkly. “Your book is that one there, if you touch any of the others, we’re not liable for any curses or possession you may encounter.” She quickly left.

Shining gently scooted a spider out of the way and blew the dust off the red leather bound volume. The Lonely God: Comparative Mythology of Arachnos the Weaver by Shadowed Quill.

Curiosity burning, he cracked it open to the Preface:

“The best kind of lie is that which is based almost completely in truth. What we call Mythology may have been early creature’s ways of speaking universal truths we have since lost, forgotten, or denied. The book you are holding is one of only two copies in this universe, and the other is inaccessible. It is the result of one pony’s lifetime of near obsession, and a desire to separate the Myth from the Fact, when they were not in fact the same thing. I tried telling Shadowed to get a better hobby, but he refused. I did not want this book published, and could have destroyed it and him, but relented and allowed the two copies to exist.

I have many names and many faces on many worlds across this soap bubble I built. I am a God to some, a Demon to others. Many have spent their lives going nearly insane in an attempt to figure out who I am and why I do what I do. There’s so much I will never tell. You, my dear Pony reader, would call me Arachnos the Weaver, though even in the history of Equestria I have had other, worse names and faces.

While these are retellings of myths surrounding me on the world of Equus, Shadowed did his work well, and they are all in fact true, if at times exaggerated. I ask that you reserve whatever judgment you have for me and my deeds until the last page.

-Arachnos. Demiurge.”

Shining blinked. “Wait. The Weaver is real?!” He turned to the Introduction:

“How do we as his creations judge a god? Though the Weaver always heavily insists he is in fact not a god, in terms of power, there’s very little difference. The oldest stories of him have been lost to time, and whatever his origins, multiple versions exist, many no doubt created by him to throw us off the truth.

These things we know for certain: The Weaver created our own small universe, and reigns supreme in it. He is from somewhere else, and older than time. His power is nearly limitless. His acts have been the greatest of good and the most horrific of evil. Above all else, the Weaver is a troubled soul, who simply wishes to be left alone rather than worshipped.”

Shining read on.

“There are thousands of versions of the creation story of our world across the various cultures that live on it. Whatever his motives or method, the Weaver created our world almost at the end of his creation of our universe.

Some say he created us as his playthings, and others maintain that we are his favorite world, and each species holds a special place to him. More obscure stories that have been deemed heresy claim that our world and universe are in fact a test for the Weaver, placed upon him by a being even he knows nothing about, and that he does not know the nature of the test as well.

He has shaped the history of every species and country in the history of Equus, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. He has been a nurturing father figure or a wrathful burning flame.”

The book continued with various creation stories from across the world, and then led into stories of my shaping early history. As Shining continued reading a specific section really caught his attention.

“No creature is an island, no matter how much we may wish to be. The same holds true for even the Weaver. Though most living things are all too temporary to him, he does indeed have a family. Of sorts.”

There was an illustration of a long, noodley creature that looked like someone had put several creatures in a blender, pushed “puree” and stuck the best bits together.

“Perhaps the Weaver’s most famous, or infamous, offspring is Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. If we would call the Weaver a god, his son would be a demigod.

“There are many stories surrounding Discord and his deeds, and in nearly all of them he is painted as the villain in our history. He has certainly caused a great deal of pain and suffering in early Equestrian history. Discord’s motives for doing so are known only to him, but perhaps causing misery is simply a part of his nature.”

Shining was staring at the illustration of Discord, wondering why he looked so familiar, until he realized he’d seen a statue of Discord. A statue that Maroon Flask spoke to like a child that could still hear him. His blood chilled.

“No,” Shining muttered. He turned the page. There was an illustration of the two Princesses giving Discord a taste of the Painbow as he turned to stone. “They … they wouldn’t!” Shining shouted.

The next page was even more horrifying. It was prehistoric Pony art of a group of living shadowy nightmares that were partly skeletal, with teeth like razors and red horns. They were hunting Ponies.

“What if our Inner Demons could live outside our minds? What if our nightmares walked into the waking world? Ponies were not the first living creatures to walk Equestria. Though “living” is perhaps the wrong word for the first beings to inhabit the northernmost corner of our country. Every living thing has an innate fear of the dark that can at times seem irrational, but it isn’t. In the earliest days of Pony society, nightmares made real could use any shadow in the world as a door to any other shadow. Even in broad daylight, a horde could pour into your village with no warning and consume everything as they broke your mind for their enjoyment.

“After these creatures were apparently banished, parents would still tell stories to their children of these fiends to frighten them into good behavior. Nearly every story of them has since been lost to time, but we call them-” The book was old enough that whatever their name was was now illegible.

Shining continued reading. From there the stories were tamer, such as the founding of Labyrinthos or trickster stories from Zebrica.

Then it got to the Mare in the Moon.

“A figure we know even less about than the Weaver. By some accounts, the two were once great friends. Other accounts state that the Mare in the Moon was once an Alicorn similar to Princess Celestia, jealous of her sister’s glory. What must Celestia feel if that is true? What must the Weaver? To lose a friend is difficult, but to lose a sister to her inner darkness must be unbearable. Every night, to look up and see a scar in the night sky that reminds you of your failures…”

“As to what the Weaver has done, or where he has been in the centuries since the Mare became trapped on the Moon, only he can say…”

Shining put the book back on the shelf, not noticing the spider waving him goodbye. He was … well, “In shock” wasn’t a strong enough phrase. His entire world and worldview had turned upside down.

“So … he’s saying he’s the Weaver?” Shining asked himself, not caring that he was talking to himself.. Shining knew who Arachnos was, but he was more of a story than a person! For Maroon to say he was the Weaver, well, he’d be insane. He’d essentially be saying he was God. Celestia wouldn’t let somebody that unhinged teach children. This required further research…

Shining glanced around the locker room. Most of the guards in here were his seniors. What’s the worst that could happen, he’d look crazy?

Shining cleared his throat. “Uh. Have any of you ever heard the name Arachnos?”

“We don’t talk about Arachnos,” the older guards all said in unison.

Shining blinked. “Wait … he’s real?!”

The guard next to him slammed his locker closed, glaring at Shining. “Oh, he’s real. And he wrecks EVERYTHING.”

Another guard said, “He’s twelve feet tall, and is crawling with spiders!”

A third added, “He’s got like a hundred eyes that stare into your soul. And he’s utterly insane.”

The leader of Shining’s unit nodded. “My great-grandfather was second-in-command of the entire royal guard. He knew Arachnos personally and considered him a friend. He even invited the Weaver to his wedding. He and his wife came out for their dance and Arachnos started bleeding out of all of his eyes. Ten seconds later, a bunch of clouds swoop in out of nowhere and pelt everypony with hail and lightning and thunder. The wedding was ruined, and everypony had to run for it! Arachnos didn’t show his face for 3 years after that.”

“He’s got the Princess hypnotized or something, none of us know why she hasn’t sent him to Mares or something for all the trouble he causes! If you’re a part of the Royal Guard in Canterlot, sooner or later, you’ll meet him, unless you’re lucky and he just stays away for your entire lifespan. That’s pretty rare though. We’ve got a whole day of training devoted to him.”

“How to fight him?” Shining asked.

The room brook into hysterical laughter. “No, that’s suicide. He’s not violent normally, but if you did have to fight him, all you could really do was lay down and pray he’d make it quick and painless. Luckily if he’s in a good mood and you ask him to leave you alone, he will. He’s more of a really frightening pest than a danger, but if he ever snaps, we are all completely doomed. We more teach how to deal with him on the mental side of things instead of the physical.”

Shining wasn’t happy with that, but it made sense. He didn’t sleep much the next week, pouring his free time into more research and winding up in the backrooms of the internet.

He discovered that Arachnos actually had a coat of arms in Equestria. It was relatively simple, a 4-paneled shield with a gold border and a scroll. At the top center of the shield was a stylized spider, and at the bottom center was a golden ball of yarn with knitting needles stuck into it above a flowing scroll which read, “Weave & Warp.”

The upper left panel had a glass of chocolate milk and a fluffy pink cloud over a blue, yellow, and pink striped background.

The upper right panel had a red pawprint over a grey background.

The lower left panel had a depiction of the planet Equus in front of a golden spider web.

The lower right panel was just a pure black void.

Shining spotted something, squinted, and zoomed in on the image. They were hard to make out as they were tiny and almost the same color gold, but there were letters hidden in the gold border that surrounded the main body.

Shining spent a few minutes figuring out what order they should be read in and figured out that it was in Pony Latin. His Pony Latin was rusty, to put it mildly, and he didn’t want to bother Dusk with it. Luckily, there was a Pony Latin to Ponish translator just a click away.

Shining’s blood ran cold at the translation, “I break those around me, those spared are very few.”

Shining came into my classroom on the lunch break, mane frayed and dark circles under his eyes.

I was busy playing with a spider. Before I could get a word out he asked, “Are you evil?”

I blinked. “That’s a little bit of a personal question… Figure it out?”

He nodded. “I was convinced that you are either insane or a blasphemer, but it actually makes sense that you’re the Weaver.”

I grinned. “The correct answer is ‘D: All of the above…’ As to if I’m evil…” I thought and glanced down at the spider in my hooves. “I hated spiders when I was a child…”

“Aren’t they your sacred animal?”

I nodded. “Sure, now. But they reminded me of … memories I’d like to undo.” I held out the arachnid for Shining to inspect. “Most intelligent creatures have an irrational fear of spiders, due to the fact that some of them are poisonous, and they have an alien-looking physiology. They’re really quite fascinating. For one thing, they’re deaf. The can’t hear, they experience the world through vibrations, not sound. Which is why their webs are so useful. They also can’t see more than about a foot around them. Which is an impressive distance given how small so many of them are. They can also see in a nearly 360° sphere around them.

“They’re also rather stupid. Pretty basic predatory cunning, but not much else. They are absolutely cannibalistic, but a mother spider will go to extraordinary lengths to protect her young. If you tear down a spider’s web, it will simply spend days making a new one. They protect the natural world from being overrun by insects and other vermin. Some of the larger species will happily take on a snake for lunch and win, though that’s in places like Oatstralia.” I chuckled. “Can you tell I tried to research away my fear and gave myself LOTS of exposure therapy? … I suppose these days I feel a kinship with them.”

“So … what you’re saying is that you’re not evil, but ponies think you are…”

I shrugged. “Not just ponies, it’s a big planet and universe. I’m the sort of person who will spend 15 minutes carefully untangling a bee from a spider’s web, who cries if I take a spider outside only for it to instantly be eaten by another spider, who feeds all of the stray pets in my neighborhood, and who can’t bear to see any living or even undead thing in pain. That said, I invented necromancy. I’ve never actually killed anyone besides one person, but I don’t mind people thinking I have a body count in the billions. I’ve done horrible things, Shining. … And yes, I do wreck everything I touch.”

“So why teach here?”

I chuckled. “Let’s just say I’ve looked ahead at the script of Equestria’s future, and your family has a role to play that would astonish you. Dusk … reminds me of myself, and I wanted to help him to turn out better than I did. And as introverted as he is, he has. Spike’s gift for magic was a surprise, but given who I am, I do know quite a bit about Dragon magic, and Dragon Lords…”

“And me?” Shining asked.

I grinned. “Let’s just say that being a Knight in Shining Armor will help you go a long way very quickly on the road to happiness. I would just appreciate it if … when you meet a shady chapter of Equestria’s history … don’t kill him too hard. Because speaking from experience, just because you come back from dying doesn’t mean it didn’t HURT.” Seeing Shining’s confused look, I sighed. “It’ll make sense if it happens, but if I tell you, it probably won’t.”

Shining sighed wearily. “I guess you have a point…”

I grinned. “Most people need me to prove I’m the Weaver. I’m amazed you just accepted it."

"Proof would help, just so I know you don’t have a god complex…”

“Ah. A god complex is a belief you can do no wrong, to oversimplify. Actually thinking you’re god is filed under ‘delusions of grandeur.’ … My friends growing up all bonded in part because we were every flavor of neurodivergent, so mental health is important to me. Hmm… How do you prove you’re a Demiurge? I’m open to suggestions.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Just something only the Weaver could do…”

“Well, since you’ve asked so nicely…” You all meet in a tavern… I snapped my fingers. There was a flash of dark light and the sound of a hole being punched in the universe.

Shining groaned and opened his eyes. The smell of ale hit his nose, which wrinkled from the assault. He could hear nearby chatter, though he couldn’t make out the words, as well as the sound of clinking glasses, a fireplace, and … a lute?

Once the blurs around him solidified into actual shapes, Shining saw that he was indeed in a tavern. He was wearing a chainmail shirt and had a large sword slung across his back.

An earth pony stallion with thick green fur and tusks waved at Shining. Shining realized it was an Orc. He glanced to the bar and yelped.

I was there in my liontaur Draconequus form, polishing a glass and wearing a bowtie, playing the part of the barkeep. I gave him a friendly wave.

Shining headed over. I grinned. Welcome to the World Serpent Inn. May I take your order? The food is free, but the drinks aren’t, though as you’re still underage…

Shining nodded. “OK, I’m convinced. Please take me back!”

I snapped my fingers again, and we were back in my class with no time having passed. … Please don’t tell your brothers who I really am, it would lead to … complications.

Shining sighed. “Not an easy secret to keep.”

No, but please. I’m begging you. I’ll tell them when the time comes, just not now.

Shining nodded. “All right. If you put it that way. Keep in mind that if you cause trouble, I’ll kick your flank, I don’t care how strong you are…”

Then I’m in your debt…

“Just remember to eat, OK? Apparently this body needs it…”

I nodded with a smile.

Even though he wasn’t a student at the school, I was able to finagle Shining’s being allowed to join the O&O club.

He gave Celestia a favorable report of my eating habits, and so was finally allowed to stop watching over me and get back to proper Royal Guard duties. Funnily enough, he never asked me to show him the future again, but the two of us parted friends, which is better than how most of my relationships parted. We even promised to keep in touch.

It had been 3 years. Dusk was now 13, and would be in my class next year, and I had a certain promise to live up to.

“Why are we going into the Everfree?” Time Turner asked nervously.

No one ever comes here, so it’s the perfect place to hide something…

I pulled aside a bush, and we were in a clearing. I carefully unfolded a pinch in space to show a mostly healed crater. In it was a blue police box.

I gave a theatrical flourish. Ta-da! Happy Graduation! I got you the Universe…

He blinked. “You got me a … phone box. I didn’t know they still made those.”

Trust me, they don’t make them like this anymore. After you…

“We won’t both fit!”

Just trust me…

The TARDIS had been locked, but the door opened for Time Turner when he tried it. He headed in, and I squeezed after him.

Time Turner was staring in shock at the console room. “Oh. My … GOD!” he shouted
Yes? I oozed.
“It’s bigger … On the inside … than it is … on the outside?!”
You've certainly grasped the essentials, I replied
“My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever…” Time Turner finished dramatically.

I chuckled. Thank you, Peter Capaldi for being such a ham…

“What?”

Nothing. Did I mention it’s a time machine?

“WHAT?!”

Oh, just hold onto something. Allons-y! I shouted as I flipped the main switch. She roared to life, thrilled to be taking a trip after all this time.

Time Turner did indeed hold on for dear life. In a few minutes it was done. I flipped a few other switches. Try the door, I said with an excited grin.

Nervously, he did, and his breath was taken away. “Oh, my…”

No matter how many times you see that view, it never stops amazing you…

“And this is traveling in time?”

Nah. That was just a short jump in space. This this traveling in time…
One more switch did the trick. Time Turner stared openmouthed as the universe rushed backwards in front of him.

The galaxies shrank further into themselves as the TARDIS gave a shuddering groan. You can do it…

Eventually there wasn’t any more time to travel through, and we ground to a halt. I pointed. See that little red star way off there? I’m there right now, just having made this universe.

I handed Time Turner a wrapped package. He opened it to find a large, heavy book full of tiny Circular Gallopfreyan. The cover read, “TARDIS Type 40 Owner’s Manual.”

Please don’t throw that into a supernova! I begged.

“Why would I throw it into a supernova?!”

You might disagree with it… I pressed a button, and a holographic map of the universe filled the console room, orbiting gently. I rubbed all six paws together with glee. So. All of time and space to choose from, where do you want to start?

I didn’t just hurl Time Turner into the void and say Good luck. I spent months traveling with him, informing him of various dangers to be found across the universe. I absolutely informed him that just because he could regenerate, he was not by any means immortal. I told his adoptive father what he was getting into as well. Both of us made Time Turner swear to not travel too far or too often until he got older, and to avoid certain times and places I warned him about.

I made quite a few mental notes to check up on his present and future selves to see how he was progressing.

A year later, Dusk excelled in my class, the same as he did in all of his classes. I wasn’t surprised, I just had to remind him to let the other students answer some of the questions so that they could learn it, since he already clearly knew it.

I was neither surprised nor hurt by the fact he chose to not continue to advanced potions, as he was choosing to focus on pretty much every other area of magic instead.

A year after Dusk had gone through my class, he was 15, and it was 5 years before the thousand years had passed and all Hell would be coming home again…

I was walking through the streets of Canterlot and was so distracted the city around me that I didn’t see a stallion until I’d crashed into him.

We were both knocked back onto our hindquarters, rubbing our heads. “I am so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention to …” My voice trailed off. He’d said exactly the same thing.

The stallion was staring at me in shock, and then in recognition. He looked like an Earth Pony, but I recognized the Wanderer on sight. I grinned sheepishly. Well, this is hockward, I said in my “God” voice.

That joke’s pretty untimely, he replied. I helped … me … up to his hooves. We circled each other.

“So that’s what my mane looks like from the back!” I said in amazement. I’d never checked back when I was the Wanderer.

Wait. If I was visiting myself as the Wanderer, that meant I had used the TARDIS from Galloprey, which meant it wasn’t wiped from the timeline? NO. Don’t hope, never hope…

“You look like a teacher,” he said uncertainly.

“Spoilers,” I replied with a grin.

He shook his head. “What are the odds I’d go time traveling and wind up crashing into myself?”

“You’d have to ask the TARDIS,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“Mind if I ask what my current alias is?”

“Maroon Flask,” I replied. “It’s surprisingly workable as a pony name.”

He gestured at the city around us. “This is not what I was expecting! It’s … I don’t know…”

“Too modern?” I said with a grin. “It was a surprise, but it’s not that bad in all honesty. Don’t try to change anything, I like things the way they are now. Just let things happen on their own. Anyway, we’ve reached the point in the conversation where I say you shouldn’t explore too much, so you should probably hop back into the TARDIS and head back. Interfering with the future, you know.”

“Of course I remember this conversation perfectly,” I said with an eye roll.

“Yeah, perfect memory isn’t as fun as it sounds. Best of luck. Be you in … oh, about five billion years. Have fun!”

“Couldn’t I just see a bit more?”

“NO. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

He sighed. “All right, all right. Try not to get hit by a car!”

“What’s it going to do, kill me?” I said with an evil grin.

He growled, “Still too soon,” and headed back the way he’d come … possibly to the TARDIS.

I wasn’t sure what to think. I could have asked him, but he would have asked things I didn’t want to reveal either.

One year to go. At the beginning of the year, I made an appointment to speak privately with Celestia, since the just popping in when I felt like it was rude.

“So. You excited? Nervous?” I asked.

“Yes. How will this work?”

I fished a scrap of paper out of my coat pocket. “Oh, trust me, I’ve been working on this. There’s a way to counteract the Element’s work, but it will bring Nightmare Moon back, not Luna. Luckily, I think there are some new Bearers already taking their positions, even if they don’t know it,” I said, thinking about my previous visits. I’d only visited a few of them, but things seemed to be headed in that direction.

Celestia examined a remarkably simple spell. “This … will bring her back?”

“Yes, with a slight hitch. The spell requires Love. I am … very fond of your sister, but I don’t love her in the required way. You do. I’ve got a plan; you’re just going to hate it.”

“What do I have to do?”

“For starters, Dusk Shines needs friends … and you have to get foalnapped.”

The Return of Old Friends...

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The Summer Sun Celebration wasn’t the next day, so I had a while. Celestia and I rehearsed every step of my quite frankly insane plan. She was understandably upset by the fact that for all the time I’d had to work on this, I only had a few basic contingencies in case it all went wrong.

To her surprise, I wanted to stay on as a teacher even after Dusk graduated, at least for a few years. I said I liked the work, which was true, and that it gave me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, again true.

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “You’re plotting something, aren’t you?”

“Who, me?!” I asked in shock, radiating pure innocence. The extra halo was probably overdoing it. She snorted, but let it pass.

Dusk had turned out … exactly the way I’d hoped he hadn’t, which was to say he absolutely matched canon. I don’t think he had a single friend aside from his brothers, and to make it worse, I don’t think he even noticed he didn’t. These days I hardly saw him without his muzzle stuck in a book.

Spike walked into my office with a downcast look. “H-hello?” There was a thump from inside a cupboard. He nervously opened it.

“Ah. Hello there,” I said cheerfully, my head upside down from his perspective. “Would you mind closing your eyes and covering your ears for a second? This can be … unsettling to watch.”

He did, and with a few cracks and pops I unfolded as I made my way out of the cupboard. “You can look now,” I said loudly enough for him to hear, but still trying not to spook him.

Spike glanced at the dark, small space I’d been contorted into. “How do you fit in there?!”

“One piece at a time.”

“… Do you not have bones?”

“Eh, bones are weird. I’m just pretty flexible, and I’ve had a lot of practice. As a foal my favorite place to play was the cabinet under my mother’s bookshelf, and to this day I still like squeezing into tight dark places. It’s comforting, as weird as it is. What can I do for you?”

Spike sighed. “Dusk … didn’t need me again today. So, I’m just on my own, while he works through a stack of books that almost goes to the ceiling. I don’t want to go home in case he does need me, but … I’m bored.”

“If you think about it, it’s actually amazing that we’ve invented boredom when we live in a place full of such amazing wonders and terrors, but yes, that’s absolutely relatable. Are you asking to spend the day with me?”

“I guess. … I don’t have a lot of friends either.”

I blinked. “We’re friends?”

“Yeah! … Wait, you didn’t know that?”

“No, I didn’t. Thank you, Spike, that means … more than you could know. Well, since you’re spending the day with creepy old me, then I can show you my favorite obsession,” I said with a toothy grin.

“Uh…”

“It’s nothing bad. Once you get over your brain exploding, it’s actually REALLY fun!”

“Uh … I would STRONGLY advise you to not play a spellcaster your first time,” I said with growing concern. “In the first place it adds like six more layers of complexity and stuff to remember, and in the second place they are FRIGHTENINGLY squishy. Seriously, a cat could sneeze on you, and you’d die at first level.”

“I’m sure Garbunkle will be fine!” Spike replied.

“Wait … Garbunkle?”

“Yeah? Something wrong with that name?”

I smiled. “No. It’s a good name. … So, Garbunkle the Enchanter. All right. It’s been a while since I’ve done a one-on-one, I can usually bribe two companions of mine into playing. OK. 1 player, first level, full-caster so extra squishy, good Constitution score though, just need to tone my sinister plot down so I don’t kill you, shouldn’t do anything too traumatic, and…” I set the pencil I’d been scribbling with down. “That should do. So, Garbunkle, are you prepared to enter the world of Ogres and Oubliettes?”

Shining’s lesson had stuck, I was actually eating in the cafeteria one day when I noticed a small filly alone by herself. Something about her seemed … off. Again, not something I liked to do, and probably an act of evil without permission, but I gently probed her mind. The table snapped under my grip.

“Uh, are you OK?” Silver Quill, the Ponish teacher asked me.

“Fine,” I croaked. “Just need to pick an appropriate mask. Please excuse me, I need to go boil my eyes.”

“Wait, what?” Silver Quill asked in confusion as I headed off.

It was four minutes past midnight. A stallion sat up panting and sweating as a nightmare trickled out of his memory. Whatever it was had been awful … and it wasn’t over yet…

Some … thing was on top of him, pinning him down. It was bipedal but stretched far too thin. It was covered in shaggy black fur. Its head was just a fleshless skull. Long, thin arms lead up to the stallion’s neck. Lengthy claws were wrapped around his neck. Just gently enough to inform the stallion that they were there, though he got the impression that this thing could snap his neck with ease. The monster’s right hand was a bloody red from fur to the tips of his claws. Eyeless, lightless sockets were staring into the stallion’s soul and putting marks around the parts it didn’t like.

I’ve removed your voice and soundproofed the room so there’s no point in screaming, it rasped. It paused to let that sink in. I don’t handle being around children well, it said evenly, without any malice, Ironic given my current career. However, if you give your daughter another reason to fear you, if she ever flinches from anything you do to her or a memory of how you treat her, I will let something out of my head to hunt you down. It will scoop out your insides and wear your skin like a suit. And it will be a better you, so nopony will notice or care that you’re gone. Nod if you understand! it snarled.

He frantically nodded.

Good. And believe me, I am going to have eyes on you at all times for the next few years. Have a good night. I’ll be watching. It snapped its fingers and disappeared.

The stallion turned over and screamed into his pillow to avoid waking his daughter.

To my surprise, Dusk’s family invited me to his graduation, since I’d been his teacher and was friends with his brothers.

It was filled with about as much Pomp and Circumstance as any other high school graduation (Those poor cellists...) but you could manage to survive it. I was pulled back to memories of practicing my graduation, when every single time a student passed out from the heat because we were going to make it perfect no matter how much we had to suffer.

Luckily Canterlot wasn’t where I grew up, so that wasn’t a worry. To no one’s surprise Dusk graduated with about every single honor there was.

Just a week later, Shining got a graduation ceremony of his own, though it was to be made Captain of the Royal Guard. Celestia knighted him with the grace and dignity the ceremony required. It was hilarious to see just how smitten Cadence was with Shining in his uniform. She still let out a small squeak of terror whenever she laid eyes on me…

I hung near the back, not wanting to get in the way. When the floods of well-wishers had stemmed a bit, Shining trotted over to me. “May I speak to you in private?” I nodded and he led me to a small chamber. “So. As the head of the Canterlot Chapter of the Royal Guard, I’m supposed to know about current threats to our national security. You absolutely qualify.”

I sighed. “I’m perhaps the biggest potential threat, yes. I try not to think about what would happen if I went evil.” Again, I mentally added. “Was there some point to that?”

Shining slashed his sword near where my head had been a second ago. “FIGHT ME!” he shouted with a playful grin.

“Uh…”

“Oh. I mean holding back, obviously, don’t wipe me out of existence or kill me.”

A look of horror passed across my face before it came back and set up camp for the night. “You would be AMAZED what you can live through, or how many of your organs can be made redundant in an emergency. Including large parts of your brain. And ‘alive’ doesn’t mean ‘living’ it just means you have exactly enough brain activity to have a pulse or have machines doing it for you. It even counts for a brain in a jar. Please narrow down your instructions.”

“Oh. When you put it like that…”

I sighed. “If it helps, give me instructions the same way you would a computer. I will wind up doing exactly what you tell me to do to the letter of what you say, no more, no less. And like with a computer, if you accidentally leave an important instruction out…” I let that sentence hang for emphasis.

“Got it…” Shining gave me much more detailed instructions on how to not harm, maim, mutilate, scar, dismember, kill, or otherwise endanger him beyond the bounds of a friendly sparring match.

“OK, that was honestly a bit too much, but I appreciate it. Obviously repair your fragile mortal body so you don’t start work tomorrow with busted ribs or worse, and have us back before anypony notices we’re gone?” He nodded. I chuckled. “Well, I mean, there’s a school of thought that says you don’t truly know someone until you’ve fought them, but this is just a national security check, right? Not because you’ve wanted to do this ever since you found out who and what I was?”

“Stop reading my mind!” Shining huffed.

“Didn’t have to,” I said with a grin. I snapped my fingers.

Shining blinked and found himself in a gladiatorial arena that was definitely not part of standard Canterlot architecture. If he was still in Canterlot. Or even on Equus. He glanced nervously at large doorways that were blocked by portcullises. “Lions aren’t going to come out of there and attack me, are they?”

Ha. No. Though technically, I am half lion and know how to use the claws… Shining turned and saw Maroon Flask unfold into my Draconequus form, the lower of which was indeed a lion. I stretched. Ah~ It’s cramped being a pony for months on end… Shining shuddered. Uh, sorry, I tried to shapeshift in the least body-horror way I could…

“It wasn’t that, that form is just … creepy.”

I smiled. Thank you. It was supposed to be. I just … got attached to it. I don’t really have a true form, but this is probably my favorite. It’s the wings, right? I didn’t do those, they just … happened. Can I offer you a weapon? Sword? Daggers? Lance? Laser Pistol? Lightsaber? Gone? Anti-life Equation?

“Wait, you know that?”

I’ll never tell…

Shining sighed. “I get the feeling no matter what weapon I use it won’t make a difference, but sword, please.”

I nodded and a brand-new sword materialized beside him. You can’t kill me for very long, and I agreed to not kill you, so … first to yield? I suggested. Shining nodded.

Shining then very slowly, very hesitantly levitated the sword over and gently poked me with the tip. My mouth dropped open. Oh, no! Not my secret vulnerable point! I said with horror before I dramatically dropped dead. I chuckled and stood back up. For reference, I have been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, electrocuted, burned, beheaded, starved, been reduced to free-floating atoms, been crushed by a falling outhouse, and have jumped into black holes for fun. I wouldn’t have agreed to this if I couldn’t handle pointy objects, I said, driving the sword through my heart with a wet squelch. Shining flinched. I snapped my fingers, and it appeared back by him, blade cleaned and the hole in my chest gone. Hit me if you can… I finished with a taunting grin.

Shining’s eyes narrowed at that, and he charged forwards. I effortlessly dogged it. *what? you think I’m just going to stand there and take it?

Shining growled and swung again. Hey, I nearly felt that one! I said with a grin. The blade swung through where my head had been a second before.

Shining began to chase me, growing more and more furious. Swing. I held a rose out to him with a grin. Swing. I was waving a red cape. Swing. I was laying on my side with my chin on my hand in a “draw me like one of your Prench mares” pose with a Cheshire Cat grin.

Shining was panting. “How are you so fast?!”

I sprang and tackled him, and we tumbled over a few times before I pinned him. Well, do you really think it has anything to do with my muscles? I climbed off of him. I gave a leisurely stretch. My turn, I said with a smile that made Shining’s blood freeze.

Hmm … What to do? I held up the rose from a moment before and began to pluck petals as I thought up ideas. Thunderbolts? Lightning? Snakes? Ice?

Shining’s eyes widened in horror. “You swore you wouldn’t harm me!”

I did, yes. I’m a demon of my word, after all. Oh! Got it!

Shining yelped as minute rainbow fireballs began to rain down, missing him by a hair’s breadth. “Hey!” he shouted.

You aren’t harmed yet, I pointed out. Give me a minute, I’m working on it. If I genuinely wanted to hurt you, I'd just sing.

"That bad, huh?" Shining teased.

I gave a six-armed shrug. Eh, I’ve been told I have a nice voice, I just can’t match pitch to save my life. My poor choir teacher … I did enjoy it though. Hey, stop me if you’ve heard this one before… A priest, a rabbi, and a minister-

“Wait, what?”

Oh. Right. Shining teleported behind me and tried again to behead me; I ducked out of the way. Thanks for cutting me off there. Sometimes I forget the point of what I’m doing… My best ideas tend to bomb…

Something exploded in Shining’s face, temporarily blinding him.

Still, life made certain to teach me to always be mindful of the gravity of a situation.

Shining could only manage to scream as he rocketed into the sky. He glanced down at the city shrinking away below him. Yep, that definitely wasn’t Canterlot. He was miles above the ground. He began to feel woozy from lack of oxygen as he plummeted back the way he’d come. He crashed back into the arena, leaving a perfectly Shining shaped hole in the ground.

We can suffer crushing defeats, but it’s important to stay grounded.

Shining pulled himself out of the hole and glared. “I’m begging you. Please. Stop.”

But I’m just getting warmed up! Fire streaked towards Shining; he was just able to dodge it. You really want me to put a sock in it? A boxing glove sailed past him. Am I bugging you that much? A roach skittered past his legs.

Shining gave a growl that belonged to a large predator, not a Pony. Magenta lightning sparked along his horn.

He gave a scream of pure fury at both the fact he hadn’t landed a single blow and the atrocious puns and disappeared.

Shining didn’t know what he had expected. But he was surprised to find himself in a city. He didn’t recognize it; the architecture was a lot more blocky and less colorful than anything on Equus. It was nighttime and freezing. His breath was crystalizing in front of him. It was pitch black, and foggy. He glanced up and couldn’t see the sky, just dark fog clouds with a band of light pollution along the horizon. Way off in the distance were flashes of red lightning.

“He-hello?” he called, suddenly nervous.

“Woah! Tall, bright, heroic, and looks good enough to eat? You are certainly ticking my boxes…” a voice purred.

Shining turned around and whimpered. He couldn’t actually see them, and for that he was grateful. They were ponies. Maybe. Alicorns? All he could make out were large shadowy shapes. They were stallions, and slightly larger than the Princess. They had curved, almost wicked-looking horns, and … were those … butterfly wings? In some of their eyes were red lights like distant stars, though those would periodically wink out and reappear. The edges of their bodies seemed to blur like smoke.

Shining did a quick headcount, there were 25 of them, and he didn’t want to fight one.

The one who had spoken said, “Dang. I could bounce a coin off those flanks. What’s your workout routine? I’m mostly bone, but I’m a quick learner!”

Another of them sighed wearily. “Forget it, Madness, only straight guys wear that brand of cologne.”

“Oh.”

Yet another snickered before saying, “Hey, Plunder, do you want to plunder that boot- OW! HEY! NO BITING BROTHERS!” he snarled.

“What … are you?” Shining asked, filled with a fatal level of curiosity.

“Shadows, searching in the night!” they sang.

“What?”

“You Ponies still communicate mostly through song, right?”

“I guess?” Shining replied.

“Perfect!”

They flowed into a black cloud and lunged at him before they began to rapidly circle around him, leaving him trapped in a swirling smokey tornado.

“Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight

And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright

We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight

You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night

Let's try to make it right, don't wanna start a fight

And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright

We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight

You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night

In this world, we play

We hope that you will stay

And we will throw a most

Electrifying soirée

Formal attire is required

For you to take part

You've got some skin that needs

Removing before we start!”

The cylinder of black cloud surrounding Shining stopped the scary song it was singing and was rotating slowly. The occasional limb or bone would momentarily appear.

“We call ourselves the Heirs of Equus, since we were the first intelligent life on your world, and we’ll outlast all of you. The Time Lords called us ‘Vashta Nerada’ which means ‘Shadows that Melt the Flesh’ since I could strip you to your bones in about 5 seconds. Of course, you Ponies called us-” The ground shook violently. “Oop. Dad’s home…”

The cloud flowed away at breakneck speed, though Shining made out distant singing.

“I'll be forever blue

That you gimme no reason

Why you make-a-me work so hard

That you gimme no

Soul, I hear you calling…”

A hand grabbed Shining and forcefully yanked him back Out.

Shining blinked in the suddenly harsh light.

I SURRENDER! I shouted. I gripped his withers with a frightened look. Are you OK?!

“I’m fine.”

Unconvinced I gave him a thorough look over, peering into his soul as well. I sighed in relief. You know, I’ve met … 5 Wizards who can walk into someone else’s mind like that. It’s a hellishly impressive bit of magic. You still sure Dusk is the only magical prodigy in the family? I asked with a grin. Remind me to not piss you off again if I can help it. I snapped my fingers and Shining’s injuries mended and his energy came back.

“What were those things?”

…

Something you never want to meet. You are incredibly lucky to still be alive, though they do like to play with their food… You're also lucky to be in one piece, my mind would have happily eaten you if it could.

Hmm, you just did this to see how much of a threat I am to Equestria, so … A planet appeared in the sky above us before it exploded. That sum it up? Shining mutely nodded. Enjoy your party, I think it’s best if I leave you alone for a while…

“Do you always … overdo it like that?”

Usually, yes. I’m old enough and cynical enough to recognize when somecreature is exceptional enough that they actually will grow wings on the way down if I give them the right shove off the right roof. I’m sorry for … overdoing it. Like always.

“You can … come back too. If you want,” Shining replied with a grin.

Thanks, that means a lot to me. I snapped us back to Equus, but not to the party. I pointed at the sun directly above us. Don't go spreading this around, but I don't like light and heat.It ranges from mentally draining to physically painful for me. Seriously, just stick a strobe light in my face and I’ll be curled up in the fetal position. I snapped my fingers. There, I temporarily got rid of most of my magic. I figured after all I've put you through I owe you one fair shot at me. You can punch me; Lord knows I deserve it. Just don't maim me or anything.

Shining raised an eyebrow and gave me a hesitant look. “Are you sure?”

I nodded and spread my arms. Yep! No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up the sleeves I'm not wearing, you've always wanted to fight me, so I'll let you actually land a blow.

Shining gave a grin that made me nervous before throwing a heckuva punch. I clutched my stomach and collapsed, groaning in pain. “Wow. You’re a bit of glass cannon…” Shining commented.

Without my magic, I’m basically useless, I confirmed. Let's get you back to your party, Captain. Again, I'm really sorry for overdoing it.

“I get a feeling that’s pretty mild for you,” Shinning admitted.

You have no idea… I said, standing up.

“Woah!”

What’s up?

“All of your eyes are … bleeding …” Shining said nervously. “I didn’t think I’d hit you that hard!”

I chuckled. Oh. Nothing to worry about. You should see me at weddings… It looks horrifying, but it isn’t remotely harmful or painful for me. Unless you count the emotional damage that caused it…

“I still don’t get how someone who can build an entire universe and do what you can do doesn’t qualify as a god…”

I sighed and slit one of my wrists with a claw. Golden liquid briefly dripped out before the wound instantly healed. Shining looked understandably traumatized by that. Generally speaking, Gods don’t bleed, I said matter-of-factly. No blood to bleed with. Sorry for scarring you even more, but that’s really the best demonstration I have.

Shining nodded, getting the point, even if I’d shown it in a gory way. With that, we returned to his party.

I was surprised to find Spike knocking at my door early one morning. “Hey, what's up?” I asked the young Drake.

He sighed wearily. “Dusk has his head buried in books all day today, and Shining is busy at the barracks. Could I hang with you today?”

“Huh. I didn't think I was your next option after family. Sure, I'd love to. Forgive the mess, I don't usually have guests. Come on in!”

Spike headed in. “This is the time of day I usually wind my clocks. I know it's a little boring, but you're welcome to help! We could watch some TV, play a board game, or some Ogres and Oubliettes!” Or we could go out and have some fun, Canterlot isn’t entirely made up of snooty aristocrats…”

Spike chuckled. He’d heard rumors this house was haunted and while it couldn’t be called tidy, it looked homey. There were stacks of paper and books everywhere, and various crafts-in-progress. He also spotted the charred and twisted remains of what might have once been a violin in another life.

There was indeed a grandfather clock in the hall, ticking loudly. The pendulum looked more like an axe blade than a clock’s pendulum though. It looked like something out of a horror film.

As I was winding it, Spike noticed something on the mantle. It looked like a cube, but it was blurry. He rubbed his eyes. No, still blurry. It was like he couldn’t quite see what it actually was. “What is that?”

“Oh, it’s a tesseract,” I said.

Spike’s eyes lit up and he dashed over and picked it up. After a few moments, he let out a disappointed groan.

I chuckled. “A tesseract is just a 4^th-dimensional cube. They don’t inherently have magical properties or grant superpowers, science fiction and fantasy authors just think it’s a cool word, which it is. You’re just holding a very fancy sculpture, sorry.”

“Oh. Oh, hey! I think I’ve invented a new spell!” Spike said proudly.

I grinned. “Already, huh? Show me what you’ve got!”

Spike spread his claws and green fire leaped between them before he began to shape it into something smaller that required more fine control. I bent forward to see the small crystalline shape he was making, before Spike’s eyes widened. “Uh, oh… WOOOAAAHHH!!!” He lost control of the spell, which exploded in my face.

Spike came too a few minutes later in the kitchen, his ears ringing. “Oh, no. Professor Flask!”

“I’m not deaf, you don’t need to shout.”

Spike whirled around and his jaw dropped. There was a very large hole in my chest. He didn’t see any blood, bones, or guts though. Instead, it looked like a window into space, with tiny lights that might have been stars, or might have been something entirely other. He could have sworn he saw a black tentacle quickly slither out of view before the hole sealed up. “Close your mouth before something flies into it,” I said with a teasing grin.

Spike let out a sob and covered his mouth. “I … I thought I’d … You were…”

“You can’t kill me, it’s OK. My living room will need to be replaced, but that’s not a problem. Maybe work on that spell in a more controlled environment. I’d like to see it when it’s more stable. You’re fine. I’m fine. OK?” Spike slowly nodded.

“Would you like something to drink? I have water, milk, juice, tea, spiders, Mountain Mist-”

“Spiders?” Spike asked in confusion.

I nodded. “Spiders it is then.”

“No, wait, that’s not what I-” But I was already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders.

I set it down in front of Spike, who let out a whimper at the sight of the arachnids attempting to escape their cylindrical prison. I chuckled and set a second glass down, pouring the first out safely. “In Oatstrailia, ‘spiders’ is the name for what you’d call a soda or lemonade float. I just never get tired of that joke. Enjoy.”

Spike’s eyes lit up at the sugar coma in a glass I’d given him before he began to greedily guzzle it down. Once he was done, his eyelids started to droop.

“Hey, I’m going to make up a nest for you to grab a nap, you’ve had a long morning…” Spike nodded sleepily. He then fell out of the chair. I dove to catch him. “Jeeze…”

I made up a nest of blankets and set Spike down in the middle of it, adding a few stuffed animals. I sighed. “I’m still rubbish with children. Nice to know some things never change… Hopefully I can convince him parts of that were a dream, but I hate gaslighting creatures…” I grumbled.

I don’t know if it was the shock, the sugar, or the fact that he was still a growing baby despite his mental age, but Spike slept the rest of the day. I texted the relevant parties, and come sundown, there was a knock at my door.

I gently shook the sleeping Drake. “Hey,” I said gently. “Your brothers are here…”

Spike bolted to the door and into Dusk’s embrace. I’d had to pull quite a few strings to get them both to come, but it was worth it.

Shining hung back to walk with me. “Sorry we were both busy.” He shot Dusk’s back a glare. “Some of us need some more fresh air it seems if we don’t notice Spike’s missing.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to them about it. Was he too much trouble?”

I shook my head. “Not at all.”

Shining sighed in relief. He was about to say something more when he let out a horrified scream.

I turned and found myself booped against my will. Ah, no wonder ponies didn’t like that.

A clown was staring at me with a manic grin and the fires of insanity in his eyes. “Hey, Grumpy-pants, it’s a beautiful day outside! Turn that frown upside down!”

I rolled my eyes. I slowly tilted my head to the right and kept right on tilting. With snapping and crunching sounds, my head was soon upside down. I asked the horrified clown, Is this satisfactory? In a deeper version of my “god voice.”

He screamed like a filly and ran for his life. I snickered before it quickly devolved into manic laughter. Oh, god, I couldn’t remember laughing that much in a long time…

Shining stared in horror. “What is wrong with you?” He finally asked. “Like … what is actually WRONG WITH YOU?!”

I quickly snapped my head back into place and sighed wearily before I rattled off a list of reference numbers to a book. Shining blinked. “What’s that?”

The diagnoses I know about. Besides, it’s not like he said “Smile…” Have a good one! I said in a frighteningly chipper tone.

I considered Dusk not carting me away to vivisect me For SCIENCE!!!! within a few days to be a sign that Spike hadn’t mentioned my blatant immortality. That was … surprising. But I figured it was fair of me to not mention the fact part of my house was now dimensionally sealed off to avoid the sight of a smoking crater. He was just a baby, just … an extremely powerful one. Again, Soulsparks usually grow up in the Dragonlands, not a major Pony city…

Speaking of Pony cities, it was time for some reconnaissance…

Now if only I were remotely capable of subtlety…

“Ah, I love the smell of Bits in the morning!” Filth Rich chuckled as he made another sale. That lovely warm feeling of greed put enough of a spring in his step to go and buy himself a cup of coffee.

On his way back, the entrepreneur passed the flower trio’s stall. He stopped at an odd sight. Was this some sort of living statue? Another stallion was frozen in front of the stall, staring intently at a rose with an expression of awe. He didn’t even seem to be breathing. The flower trio were staring at him nervously, but there weren’t any exclamations of, “The horror, the horror!” so it wasn’t anything too bad…

“Uh, may I help you?” Filthy asked.

The stallion started, then looked at him. “Oh. Sorry for spacing out there. I just … it’s such an amazing color, isn’t it?”

Filthy glanced at the rose. It was … a rose. Nothing that separated it from billions of others. “Uh, sure.”

“I’ve just … always wondered what it’s like to feel in color, or what colors taste like. I mean, I could ask someone with synesthesia, but even if you can taste color, it tastes different to everyone, so there’s no universally correct answer.”

Filthy chuckled. He’s crazy… the businesspony realized. “So,” he said brightly, “what color is they sky on your world?” He meant it as a joke.

“I don’t know. It’s always night and usually stormy. Plus, I’m normally too busy running to look up…”

Filthy got the impression he was on the edge of an impossibly deep pit, and quickly backtracked before it sucked him in. “Uh. Who are you if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Nobody important,” the stallion replied.

A third voice cut into the conversation. “Blimey, that’s amazing! Do you know, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before…”

The odd stallion gave a laugh mixed with a sob. He turned around and grinned when he saw Time Turner. “What’s up Doc?”

“How have you been, Weyan’a?”

“Getting incredibly old, same as always… How are you?”

“Got a day job I love. And … I might have a special somepony,” the Time Lord said with a blush. “It’s a bit uncertain, but that adds to the fun. She’s … wonderful. A tiny bit klutzy, but in an endearing way.”

Filthy Rich had managed to sneak away while I was distracted. “Well, that’s good.”

The Doctor shifted nervously. He used his adoptive name as an alias in Ponyville, but by this point he’d firmly accepted who he was. “Uh … if it ever got to that point, am I,” he winced. “Compatible, with a mare?”

I blinked. “Uh, externally you’re a stallion, so for the act itself, absolutely. If you’re talking about having children, I haven’t got a clue. Time Lord DNA is … interesting. But it’s not like trying to crossbreed a mouse with a cantaloupe, you’re not that much of a different species from Ponies. There are more similarities than differences, but … I couldn’t say. I’m also not sure if your children would survive, since you don’t have lungs and she only has one heart. That would send confusing messages while building a baby. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I don’t want to crush any hopes. I’m just saying it would be fascinating to see. It’s definitely probable, not just possible,” I finished with a smile.

The Doctor chuckled. “Well … I should probably not get ahead of myself anyway. Thanks.”

My next sentence was cut off by a horrified scream. On instinct, the Doctor and I both charged in that direction. A very familiar trio of fillies were being menaced by … something. It had a long serpentine body and looked like someone had stuck various monsters together just to see what would happen, but there the resemblance to Discord ended. For starters, parts of this thing were melting.

HEY! It looked up, recognizing that voice. Its pupils shrank to pinpricks. All five of them.

Prance. December, 907. I’ll bet you needed a month of Sundays to regenerate from that. Want to go round two? I asked.

It let out a sound like metal in a blender. I don’t care if they’re Bite-Sized, I raised you better than that! I snapped. Don’t eat food that can talk, sing, or do interpretive dance! It whimpered slightly as the future Cutie Mark Crusaders scrambled away to safety.

I reached up to give it scritches. You’re OK, just … don’t eat Ponies, OK? It nodded rapidly. I spotted a toy that had been left behind in the scramble. Good boy… It beamed at the praise and let out happy pants.

I was startled by a horrified scream of, “MY BABY!” I glanced up and saw an Earth Pony filly hurtling towards the ground from a pram while her Pegasus mother looked on in horror.

Several emotions ran through my head before I sighed wearily. “My kids are going to love this town…” I muttered. I dashed towards the falling child and leapt up to catch her before I was slammed into the ground.

Finally, the rest of the adults made it to the scene and spotted a crying filly cradled in a mangled corpse. There was no possible way he wasn’t dead; limbs weren’t made to bend like that…

They scooped up the filly and just stared. “Should we burry him?” a mare finally asked.

To answer that question, the creature that had been terrorizing the town moments earlier grabbed my corpse and hauled it into the Everfree.

The Doctor watched with his mouth hanging open. He’d seen things most ponies thought only existed in nightmares, but the Everfree gave even him a bad feeling. The entire forest radiated a feeling of, “Stay Away, Danger Here…” It helped that he knew that it was just a constant low-level psychic projection, but it still affected him.

“I wish you wouldn’t be so scary just for kicks,” the Time Lord sighed, knowing better than to follow me in there.

That evening a thunderstorm swept in unexpectedly, staying located directly over the Everfree.

Apple Bloom shivered in her bed as she listened to the Timberwolves howling.

Her second-oldest brother stroked her mane reassuringly. “Nothin’ to worry about,” Applejack said, “Jus a thunderstorm. This happens every Zap Apple season, it’s just … not this time. Try an’ get some sleep.”

Apple Bloom nodded as her brother left her to sleep. A particularly loud crash of thunder caused her to let out a squeak and dive beneath the covers. She stuck her head back out and looked out the window.

She tried to not scream. There was some … thing on the hill that marked the border of the Apple Family farm. It was gigantic. Its lower half looked like some sort of cat, it had a weird looking upper half with four massive wings and lots of limbs like a spider. A horned head was staring right at her, and a flash of lightning lit up black eyes and showed off eyes in its wings.

Apple Bloom dove beneath the covers again, shaking. A while later something knocked on her bedroom window in a rapid four knock pattern.

“Go away!” the filly shouted.

A pause, and then the same pattern of knocks. Apple Bloom stuck her head out and looked at the window.

A … face was looking back at her. It looked like a goat’s, with white fur and a long red goatee. Long fangs stuck out the corners of its mouth. It had bushy black eyebrows, long black horns and a white horn in the middle of its forehead riddled with holes. Its eyes showed space and stars slowly wheeling by.

It was holding … a cue card? The card read, “Hi. I’m technically trespassing (please don’t sue!) but I have something of yours to return. Would you mind opening the window? I know I’m scary, so I won’t come in.” It did not remotely pass Apple Bloom’s vibe check, but she was curious…

Apple Bloom grabbed a heavy object to hit it with if it tried anything funny and held it up to show the creature. To her surprise, it grinned and gave her a thumbs up. Those teeth screamed “monster…” it was like looking at a shark.

Painfully slowly, Apple Bloom opened the window just a crack. The thing held out a paw and opened it and a rainbow aura formed around its white horn and paw; then the doll Apple Bloom had lost that morning floated into her room and set itself on the floor. A second later, a paper plate covered in foil followed. The filly uncovered it with a stick. It was a plate of still warm chocolate chip cookies.

The filly turned to the monster in the window who had changed cards to one that read, “No, they’re not poisoned.”

“Are ya reading ma mind?!” The filly snapped.

It grinned and held up the next card in the series. “No, but when you get to be my age, people are … predictable. Night.” Apple Bloom blinked and it was gone.

She sighed. “Ah’m not telling anypony about this…” she groaned. She bit into a cookie and her eyes lit up. “Hey! This is great!”

It was the three days before the Thousandth Summer Sun Celebration. Before dawn, I checked in with Celestia.

Got the spell ready? She nodded. Hey, you’ve got the hard part, I just have to wake her up, I said with a grin.

“I feel as though I’m tricking my subjects,” she said lowly. “Though in all honesty … I’m not sure if I will be safe with Nightmare Moon. She has good reason to wish me harm. … Our subjects … don’t even remember Luna,” Celestia said lowly. “Every year, I have to put on a happy face and commemorate sending my sister to…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

Then let’s get Luna back and remind everypony who she really is. Got that letter for Dusk?

Celestia levitated over the scroll. “I wrote it, but … it doesn’t quite read like me. I would like to think I wouldn’t simply dismiss my student’s worries…” Her eyes narrowed. “And you just rolled your eyes out loud again.”

Sorry.

“Will I be … dismissive of Dusk?” Celestia said with worry.

Depends on which future we’re making, but … sometimes you can be, yes. Not normally. I tried not to think about Trollestia. Thus far, she’d been a prankster, but not that. You are a wonderful mentor to him.

“And yet it takes a once-in-a-thousand-year’s event to get him to get his muzzle out of a book and go make friends,” Celestia said drily. “I think I may have failed him in one or two small regards.”

Celestia, his family can’t make Dusk go get some fresh air! Lord knows I never could when I was his teacher. You are fine. Please don’t beat yourself up. … You really care for him, don’t you?

“Well, yes, of course. I don’t take on a new protégé every year. What’s with the grin, do you know something I don’t?”

I know lots of things. But … nothing is set in stone.

“Tell me!”

I laughed. Well, in a rather large number of possible futures … I become quite sick of the color blue.

“What?”

It’s an old rhyme, I believe it carried over to this universe as well. You certainly own plenty of old things and have no shortage of friends to borrow from.

“Must you be so cryptic?” Celestia grumbled.

I grinned. I enjoy it, and if I spoil the future beyond being cryptic, it tends to not happen. The other party ends up negating it by panicking over it. I’ve even caused things to happen by trying to prevent them. Knowing possible futures isn’t as fun as it sounds, if I wasn’t already crazy, I certainly would have become so, I finished with a grin.

“Can you even wake her up?”

I shrugged. It was my spell that put her to sleep. … I meant it as a kindness, but … it’s going to cause her issues. Seeing Celestia’s expression, I sighed. I didn’t want her to spend a thousand years alone going crazy. I also didn’t want her to have nightmares. She’s been having the best of dreams for a thousand years running. Dealing with reality after that … … And she’ll also have trouble telling what is real, I sighed. But, with counseling, she might forgive me. In an eon or two. Maybe. See you tomorrow, then! With that, I bowed out to set my 1,000-year plan into motion.

Even without needing sleep, I was not by nature a morning person, but pre-dawn in Ponyville was a beautiful time of day.

In the Apple Household, everything was not perfectly fine.

“Darn piece of overfangled … BIG MAC!” Granny Smith shouted as she banged on her television set again. “I don’t want to miss my game show tonight, but I’m just picking up a blizzard!”

Big Mac looked at the screen showing a field of static with apprehension as Granny Smith trotted off. While he was the farm’s designated fix-it pony, and quite good at it, television repair was a bit past him. He swallowed nervously and delicately picked up his tiniest screwdriver.

As he approached the outdated set, the screen suddenly changed to an ominous glowing green and Big Mac’s fur stood on end. The set then began to change channels on its own with the sound of someone changing a radio.

An old-fashioned radio announcer’s voice came on, “Saw your fiasco on the picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance!”

It switched to a voice asking, “Named after a weaver with an intense case of hubris, this is one of the most common fears in existence.”

“What is arachnophobia?”

A voice sang, “Can someone tell me please, why I’m switching faster than the channels on TV?”

An announcer’s voice, “Welcome to Race the Devil, or as we call it, You Bet Your Afterlife!”

Singing again, “He ain't what he seems, you’ll see him in your head, on the TV screen, and hey buddy, I'm warning you to turn it off.”

More singing, “These simple parts of mine are interchangeable, unlimited connections when you’re digital…”

The TV screen switched off. Big Mac let out the breath he’d been holding. “What in the-?” He was cut off by a blast of force. When his eyes opened again, the TV was picking up the usual station – with high-definition crystal clarity. Big Mac flipped through the channels, it was all the same crisp image and sound, and … he was pretty sure they hadn’t gotten some of these channels before.

Big Mac glanced around the room and saw he was the only one who’d witnessed … whatever that was. Also, a plate of apple fritters was missing two fritters which had been replaced with scrupulously exact change, plus a hefty tip.

Big Mac shook his head to get over the weirdness he’d just experienced and went to load up his apple cart for the day.

After helping Apple Bloom get to school, Applejack headed into town for his own errands. He ran into Bubble Berry who was trembling slightly. “Ya OK pardner?”

Bubble nodded. “Yep, just kind of a twitchy morning.”

Applejack’s eyes widened; he knew about Bubble’s senses. “Uh, twitchy?” he asked with a nervous grin.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad. The way my right eye and left ear are twitching means we’ll be getting a new friend soon, and the cavity in my back molar acting up again means that something huge and invisible will be following us around for a few days!” Bubble said with a wide grin. He frowned. “I should probably go to the d-d-d … that place,” he whined slightly.

Applejack chuckled. “Ah’ll go with ya, if it helps.”

“Thanksies!” Bubble cheered before pronking off.

“Huge and invisible, huh?” Applejack pondered with a shake of his head.

In the farmer’s market, Big Mac was hawking his wares. To his shock, an apple floated up on its own before the money he’d be owed for it landed on his stall counter. A bite was taken out of the apple is it floated away, a voice whispering, Thanks. Have a great day!

Big Mac shook his head rapidly and screwed his eyes shut. If somepony walked over his grave one more time today, he might wind up in it prematurely. “Nope,” he muttered in response.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur of preparations.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony, Ah-ah-ah!

I was walking down the streets of Canterlot as Maroon Flask when a lilac blur rocketed by. “Hey, slow down kiddo! It’s not the end of the world!” I called.

“Yes, it is!” Dusk shouted.

I rolled my eyes. I was then approached by Curtain Call, who gave me an unamused glare. “Want to tell me why I got a note from the Princess this morning to cover your class as well as mine?”

“A sort of reunion I’ve been invited to in Ponyville.”

“Sort of reunion? What’s that?”

“An old friend who is currently an old enemy is getting released today, and I’m the one who has to spring her. I’m so excited! I’ve missed her SO MUCH!”

Curtain was about to say something else but was cut off as I shifted from my Pony disguise into my preferred liontaur form. I was taller than Discord, and had a proportionate lower half for a taur, so I was far larger than your average 3-foot-tall Pony mare. I knelt down, stretching each of my arms and wings. It felt so good to have a torso again!

I grinned at my shocked coworker and the rather astonished crowd. Well, there goes my cover... You wouldn’t believe how cramped being a pony feels…

Curtain finally remembered why I looked so familiar to her. “Oh … my … God,” she muttered as she worked out who and what I was.

I sighed wearily. No, just Demiurge… I said in the tone of voice of someone who’d had to explain the very slight difference one too many times… Please inform my only class of the day that just because they’re watching a movie, I’m not letting them slack off. I expect a two-page report of their opinions on my desk in the morning!

“But-”

I most certainly did not shout, High-ho, Silver! before I took off. I did think about it however…

I was still early, so I parked myself on a nearby cloud, closed all of my eyes, and began to concentrate. My inner eye navigated to Dusk’s tower…

Spike was walking towards the door with a beautifully wrapped present, when Dusk flung the door open into the young drake, knocking him back with an “Oof!”

“Spike! Spike!” Dusk called. “Spike?” Dusk glanced down, noticing his little brother in a daze. “There you are!” Dusk dashed into his library. “Quick! Find me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies!” Dusk noticed the present that the tip of Spike’s tail had impaled. “What’s that for?”

Spike reached around and took the package off of himself. “Well, it was a gift for Moondancer,” he sighed, “But…” A teddy bear fell out of the mangled box with a sad squeak.

Dusk rolled his eyes, already tossing piles of books around. “Ugh! Spike, you know we don’t have time for that sort of thing!” the stallion groaned.

I opened my eyes. I have utterly failed both of you, I groaned before tuning back in.

I saw Spike picking himself up from the faceplant Dusk’s telekinetic yank had made him perform, sighing as he saw all the books he’d have to pick up. Spike was very surprised as all of the books suddenly levitated themselves neatly back into their assigned places in a rainbow aura.

“Aw, thanks Dusk!” Spike cheered.

“Hmm? For what?” Dusk asked, flipping pages. “E, E, E … Elements of Harmony. … See … ‘Mare in the Moon?’”

“Isn’t that just an old pony tale?” Spike asked.

Dusk didn’t hear, already flipping to the relevant section. “Mare in the Moon – Myth from Olden Pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned on the moon. Legend says the Mare and the Weaver were close friends.”

“The Weaver?” Spike cut in, curious.

Dusk rolled his eyes again. “Just some hokey old god invented by ancient superstitious ponies who didn’t know any better. In his myths, he was a pretty nasty piece of work…”

On my cloud, I pulled a dagger out of my heart, trying to stop the bleeding. Ouch! I mean … I’m not exactly comfortable being worshipped, but that was a little harsh… I can’t take anymore, I’m cutting to the next scene, I groaned before taking off again in the direction of Ponyville.

Even though I wasn’t observing anymore, Dusk continued his research. “Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal!” Dusk gasped. “Spike! Do you know what this means?!”

“Uh, no…?”

Dusk passed a quill and scroll. “Take a note, please. To the Princess,” he said, assuming a more regal pose. He began narrating his note at breakneck speed, Spike’s quill a blur. At least until Spike ran out of words he was able to spell. He was still a baby… Once Dusk was done dictating, he wound up snapping at Spike over the urgency of this note, causing the dragon to fly back into the shelves.

Spike sent it. “There! But I wouldn’t hold your br-” He belched out a response. He blinked in surprise. “That’s the fastest she’s ever replied!”

Dusk nodded. “She must want to take immediate action!”

Spike read the reply. Dusk felt the bottom drop out of his world when his beloved mentor told him to stop reading so many dusty old books.

In a royal chariot pulled by two Pegasus guards, Dusk sulked as Spike smugly reread the reply. Dusk had been ordered to go to some backwater town to deal with a party, and to make friends! How was this important?!

As the two discussed his assignment, a gust of wind sped past the chariot, too fast to see.

The chariot touched down in Ponyville, the guards whinnying majestically. “Thank you, sirs!” Dusk said gratefully. The smiled proudly. Dusk dashed off. They glanced down and saw a water bottle apiece had seemingly materialized from thin air. They glanced at each other, shrugged, and gratefully rehydrated.

Spike was telling Dusk that maybe the residents of Ponyville had interesting things to say as Bubble Berry trotted up, humming cheerfully.

The young dragon pointed out the pink stallion. “C’mon, Dusk,” he urged, “just try!”

Dusk gave an awkward smile. “Uh, hello?” he tried.

Bubble gasped deeply, shooting into the air, and hanging there before zipping off in a pink blur.

“Well, that was interesting all right…” Dusk grumbled at the waste of time. Spike groaned and pulled out Dusk’s checklist.

They were interrupted by a voice. “Lyra, there is no way on Equus the Weaver used to be a human!”

A very familiar voice answered back. “Then why is there so much incontrovertible evidence, hmm? Explain that Bon-Bon!”

“Where is all of this evidence?! Lyra, have you been lurking around on 4Pone again?”

“Uh, nnnnnoooooo?” came the nervous reply.

Dusk and Spike finally came to the argument between the two mares. Dusk blinked at the sight of his … classmate.

“Oh, hey Dusk!” the mint unicorn waved cheerfully.

“Didn’t I just see you in Canterlot not an hour ago?” Dusk asked.

Lyra shrugged. “I get around. Lots of ponies in this town do. Nice to see you! Where was I… Oh! There are cave paintings, Bon-Bon!” Lyra said, whipping out her phone. “Our ancient ancestors knew the truth about humans!”

“Lyra … that’s just graffiti…” Bon-Bon groaned.

Figuring that this argument could comfortably go on for years if the two mares were willing, Dusk and Spike headed off.

The first item on the Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer’s Checklist was the banquet at Sweet Apple Acres. Even Dusk had to smile at the beautiful sight as they reached the top of the hill overlooking the homestead.

Once they were down in the orchards proper, a voice gleefully shouted, “Yee-haw!” at a loudness that could have broken eardrums, before an orange blur thundered down the lane before a large stallion stopped and almost delicately bucked an apple tree, causing a bounty to fall into the buckets below. Dripping sweat, the farmpony took a moment to rest by the tree.

Dusk sighed. “Let’s get this over with…” He put on a practiced smile and approached. “Good afternoon,” he said regally. “My name is Dusk Shine, and-” *Crunch!

The stallion had Dusk’s hoof in a death grip, shaking with great enthusiasm. “Well, howdy Mr. Shine!” he cheered. “It’s a real pleasure tah make yer acquaintance! Ah’m Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like making new friends!”

“Friends?” Dusk questioned. “Actually, I’m here to…”

Applejack released Dusk’s hoof, grinning excitedly. “So, what can Ah do ya for?”

Dusk’s leg was still waving rapidly in the air. Spike gripped it to steady it, before letting out a chuckle. Dusk shot him an unamused older brother look.

Dusk cleared his throat. “Well, I am in fact here to help supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. And I believe you’re in charge of the food?”

Applejack nodded. “We sure are! Would ya care to sample some?”

Dusk blinked. “I suppose? As long as it doesn’t take-” Applejack zipped away in an orange blur. “Too long…” Dusk concluded.

Applejack rang the dinner triangle. “SOUP’S ON, EVERYPONY!” he shouted. Dusk yelped as he and Spike were swept up by a stampede of Earth Ponies who dropped them at a long table.

Applejack was grinning excitedly. “Now, why don’t Ah introduce y’all to the Apple family?” he asked pleasantly.

“Uh, thanks, but I really need to hurry,” Dusk tried feebly. Somepony dropped a piece of dessert in front of him as Applejack began to reel off the family names. As each family member was named, they left a food item related to their name in front of Dusk and Spike to sample.

Applejack was listing names at breakneck speed. “This here’s Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious… …Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple… … Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp…”

By that point, the stack of food had grown so tall that Dusk and Spike had to climb up to see over it.

Applejack popped up again and took a huge breath before continuing, “Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom …aaaaand…”

He stuffed an entire apple into Dusk’s open mouth before dashing off to fetch the last family member.

“…Granny Smith,” Applejack panted.

Granny was dozing in a rocking chair, Applejack had simply brought over the entire chair with her in it.

“Up and at ’em, Granny Smith! We got guests!”

Granny started awake with a snort. “Wha—?” She began shambling over, mumbling to herself. “Soup’s on…I’m a—here I come, I’m comin’…”

Dusk’s mouth was still stuffed full of apple, but he flinched at how loudly the elderly mare’s joints creaked as she joined her family at the table.

Applejack patted Dusk’s back. “Why, Ah’d say they’re already part of the family!” he said proudly.

Dusk’s eyes widened at that, and he spat out the apple, letting out a nervous laugh. “Okay, well, I can see the food situation is handled, so we’ll be on our way!”

“Aren’t you gonna stay for brunch?” the filly introduced as Apple Bloom asked, giving Dusk a look that would have put a kicked puppy to shame.

Dusk gave her a nervous grin. “Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do…”

The entire Apple family let out a lengthy, disappointed, “Awwwww…”

Dusk sighed. “Fine…” he grumbled as the family cheered.

Spike was walking cheerfully along a path, his checklist pulled out, quill in hand. “Food’s all taken care of. Next is weather.”

Dusk was waddling along with a belly that made him look pregnant, groaning in mild pain. “I’m never eating again…”

Spike gave him a curious look. “Really? I was hoping for seconds. Hmmm…there’s supposed to be a pegasus stallion named Rainbow Blitz clearing the clouds.”

Dusk glanced up at the almost overcast sky. “Well, he’s not doing a very good job, is he?”

A multicolored blur bowled them over and knocked Dusk into a mud puddle. A cyan pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane and a lightning bolt coming from a cloud for a cutie mark was on top of Dusk.

“Oh, sorry dude!” he said in a slightly raspy voice. He gave a nervous chuckle. “Uh, here! Let me help you!” He zipped off, Dusk barely having time to stand before he returned with a cloud in tow. He stomped up and down on the cloud, soaking Dusk completely.

“Whops. I totally overdid it. Um… …uh…how about this?” He flew in a quick rainbow tornado around Dusk, causing him to be dried.

“Ta-da! My very own patented …Rainblow-Dry! Drives the mares wild,” he said with a wink. “No, no, don’t thank me. You’re quite welcome.”

Rainbow then caught sight of the frizzy mess he’d made of Dusk’s mane. He snickered before falling over he was laughing so hard. Spike was snickering as well.

Dusk took a deep, calming breath, managing to stop his ears from twitching. “Let me guess… You’re Rainbow Blitz.”

“The one and only!” Rainbow was now hovering directly in front of Dusk like an over-excited hummingbird. “Why? You heard of me?” he asked, clearly craving the attention.

“I heard you’re supposed to be keeping the sky clear,” Dusk groaned. He tried again, wanting to make a better first impression. “I’m Dusk Shine, and the Princess sent me to check on the weather.”

Rainbow was busy lounging on a cloud. “Oh. Yeah, yeah, that’ll be a snap. I’ll do it in a jiffy,” he said dismissively. “Just as soon as I’m done practicing.”

“Practicing? For what?” a confused Dusk asked.

“The Wonderbolts!” Rainbow proclaimed dramatically, pointing at a nearby poster of the legendary group. “They’re gonna perform at the Celebration tomorrow. And I’m gonna show ’em my stuff!” he said proudly, looping from cloud to cloud.

Dusk gave a smirk, knowing just how to manipulate his new ~~fri~~ acquaintance. “The Wonderbolts?”

“Yep!” came Rainbow’s reply.

“You mean the most talented flyers in all of Equestria?” Dusk asked innocently.

“That’s them!”

“Ha! Please,” Dusk oozed, earning a glare from Rainbow. “They’d never accept a pegasus who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day.”

“Hey, I could clear the sky in ten seconds flat!” Rainbow boasted.

Dusk shot back a cocky grin of his own. “Oh, yeah? Prove it,” he challenged.

Rainbow gave an annoyed snort before rocketing into the sky, doing fantastic arial tricks as he busted every cloud in exactly ten seconds. He then dropped back into view. “What’d I say? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I’d never leave Ponyville hanging!” he said with a proud grin.

Both Dusk’s and Spike’s jaws had fallen open at the genuinely amazing display.

Rainbow gave a hysterical laugh. “You should see the look on your face! You’re a laugh, Dusk Shine. I can’t wait to hang out some more! Later!” He zipped away.

“Woah,” Spike said. “…he’s actually amazing!”

Dusk nodded wordlessly. Spike grabbed a section of frizzed mane and snickered. Dusk glared and headed into town proper.

“Hey, it’s not too bad once you get used to it!” Spike shouted as he tried to keep up.

Once they were inside the town pavilion, Spike pulled out the checklist again. “OK…Decorations…” He then gave a start at something he saw. “Beautiful…” he breathed.

Dusk nodded approvingly. “Yes. The décor is coming along nicely. This oughta be quick. I’ll be at the library in no time. Beautiful, indeed…” he said with a smug grin.

“No, not the décor…” Spike protested. “Him!”

Dusk glanced at where Spike was pointing, seeing a white unicorn with an elegantly curled short purple mane levitating up ribbon samples as he muttered to himself. “No…no…no… absolutely not…”

Dusk stared in shock at the hearts in Spike’s eyes. Spike quickly began to preen, small hearts floating above him. “How are my spines? Are they straight?”

“No…” Dusk choked out. “Not straight at all…” Mentally he was having a breakdown over this. Spike … likes ponies?! Spike likes guys?!! IS HE EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT ATTRACTION IS?!! Dusk mentally screamed. He took a deep breath. It’s probably just a childhood crush. A really, really early one, though Spike is older mentally than physically, I need to remember that. I’m sure it won’t cause any problems… Dusk thought nervously. I’m just going to sort through this … later.

Dusk took another deep breath and approached the object of Spike’s desires. Even Dusk had to admit that the stallion was good-looking, from a purely aesthetic standpoint.

“Good afternoon,” Dusk said politely.

The other unicorn spared him the briefest of glances. “One moment, please,” he said calmly. “I’m in the zone, so to speak. You know how us creative types can get… Ah, yes!” he cheered as inspiration struck. He tied a glittering red bow around a nearby post. “Glitter seems quite appropriate for the occasion, though it must be in moderation. The horror stories I could tell you about my sister’s craft nights,” he finished with a laugh, finally turning to properly greet Dusk. “Apologies for cutting you off. Now, how can I help you— Oh. My. It’s not my business, but what on Equus happened?!”

Dusk blinked before it clicked. “Oh, you mean my mane? Well, it’s a long story,” he sighed. “I’m just here to check on the decorations, which are magnificent so far, and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

The unicorn grinned. “I think it’s your hair that needs more attention. Just because we’re stallions doesn’t mean we can’t look nice, after all! Now come along and I’ll help you, my treat!” he beamed, forcefully pushing the shocked Dusk along.

“Wait! Where are we going? Help!” Dusk shouted. Spike floated after the two using his tail as a propeller, hearts continuing to appear around him.

The stallion who had introduced himself as Elusive had dragged Dusk to his boutique and was giving the other unicorn a full-on makeover. “No…no…no…” Elusive muttered. He was busy wrangling Dusk into different outfits, ranging from a cowpony to a punk rockstar. However, even Elusive didn’t think that any of them “fit” the lavender stallion. While Dusk had to admit they were very nice outfits, he hadn’t come to this town to play dress-up!

“Ah, my apologies,” Elusive said in a reasonable tone. “You were telling me where you’re from?” he asked politely.

Dusk sighed. I’ve been sent from Canterlot to-”

“Hmm?” Elusive asked in surprise. “Oh, Canterlot?” he said, starstruck. “Oh, I am so envious! It’s one of the most trend-setting cities in the nation! I’ve always dreamed of living there!” he sighed. “I can’t wait to hear all about it!” He beamed. He then leaned in uncomfortably close, causing Dusk to quickly back up. “We’re gonna be the best of friends, you and I,” he whispered.

Dusk swallowed nervously. “M-my family is lower-middle class,” he tried, hoping that would work. He was very careful to not even think about the fact that his brother was the head of the royal guard, and that he was Celestia’s personal student. This stallion would probably have heard it if he had… “I like hayburgers, not escargot…”

“Oh. Oh! I’m so sorry. I must sound like quite the elitest snob,” Elusive said with a nervous grin. He thankfully backed away, allowing Dusk to breathe. “No, the reason I’ve always wanted to live there is-” Elusive trailed off when he saw Dusk was currently dressed as a ship’s captain. “Oh. I certainly got carried away. If you’ll permit me, I do have one last outfit to try, be back in a tick!”

Dusk made a wild break for it, stripping out of the outfit and picking up Spike before he galloped for his life. “Quick! Before he decides to dye my coat a new color!” he shouted.

“Wasn’t he wonderful?” Spike sighed dreamily.

Dusk set him down and poked him in the snout. “You and I are going to have an unbelievably long talk about this at some point. Focus, Casanova. What’s the next item on the list?”

Spike checked the list. “Oh…uh…music. It’s the last one.”

“Thank the Weaver,” Dusk groaned.

“I thought you didn’t believe in him?” Spike asked.

“It’s an expression…” Dusk grumbled.

As they approached the cottage, they heard a fanfare being whistled. Both Dusk and Spike hid in some usefully placed bushes and stuck their heads out to watch. They spotted several birds in a tree singing as a butter-yellow pegasus hovered in front of them, conducting.

One of the birds was painfully out of tune, causing the pegasus to fly closer. He cleared his throat.

“Um, excuse me, sir. I mean no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny tiny bit off.” The pegasus backed up. “Now, follow me, please,” he said with an encouraging smile. “A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three,” he began to lead.

Dusk called out, “Hello!”

The shout not only startled the conductor but scared the entire vocal ensemble out of the tree.

The pegasus turned to see Dusk was now out of the bushes. Dusk gave a nervous chuckle. “Whoops. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten your birds. I’m just here to check up on the music, and it’s sounding beautiful!” he complimented.

The pegasus touched down, barely glancing at Dusk, carefully avoiding eye contact as he scuffed the ground with a hoof. A few moments later, Dusk broke the painfully awkward silence. “I’m Dusk Shine. … And you are?” he prompted.

“Uh. I – I’m Butterscotch,” the pegasus mumbled.

“Oh. It’s nice to meet you!” Dusk said quickly with a large smile, meaning it. One socially awkward stallion to another, he knew when he was intruding. “Well, um, it looks like your birds are back. So, I guess everything’s in order. Keep up the good work!”

Butterscotch just nodded, apparently having gone non-verbal.

Dusk just nodded back, slowly backing away. “Oo-kay,” he tried. “Have a nice day!” he called as he left. Once he was reunited with Spike, Dusk muttered, “Well, that was easy…”

Butterscotch let out a loud gasp at the sight. “A baby dragon!” he said in amazement. He zipped over to Spike, completely bowling over Dusk. “Oh, I’ve never seen a baby dragon before! He’s so cute!” Butterscotch cooed.

Spike gave Dusk a smug grin. “Well, well, well!”

Butterscotch’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow! He talks! I didn’t know dragons could talk. That’s just so amazing l …I just don’t even know what to say!”

Dusk grabbed Spike and practically suplexed the baby dragon as he threw his baby brother onto his back. “Well, in that case, we better be going!” Dusk noticed that Butterscotch was trailing them.

“Oh, wait! Wait! What’s his name?” Butterscotch called.

“I’m Spike,” Spike gallantly introduced himself.

“Hi, Spike. I’m Butterscotch. Wow, a talking dragon! And what do dragons talk about?”

“Well, what do you want to know?” Spike asked.

“Absolutely everything!” Butterscotch said with literal stars in his eyes.

Spike knew that his heart had already been claimed, but this stallion was also adorable, just in a different way. Spike leaned back and got comfortable. “Well, I started out as a cute little purple-and-green egg…”

“And that’s the story of my whole entire life!” Spike concluded. “Well, up until today. Do you want to hear about today?”

“Oh, yes, please!” Butterscotch gushed with an eager nod.

Dusk did an abrupt turn, coming to a complete stop and nearly throwing Spike off his back. “Hey!” Spike complained.

“Sorry!” Dusk called.

They’d arrived at the Golden Oak Library, which was built into a beautiful living oak tree, hence the name.

“Wow. How did we get here so fast?” Dusk asked. “This is where I’m staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby brother needs his sleep.”

“No, I don’t!” Spike protested. Dusk proceeded to throw Spike off his back, giving Butterscotch a large phony grin.

Dusk leaned over, wrapping an arm around the squirming Drake. “Aw, wookit that. He’s so sweepy, he can’t even keep his wittle bawance,” he said in sympathetic baby-talk.

Spike snorted flame before summoning a ball of green lightning in his free claw. “Call me a baby one more time…” he threatened.

“Oh, of course!” Butterscotch said, gently picking Spike up. “I’m sure I’ve tired him out with all of the questions. Here, I’ll put him to bed!” Butterscotch quickly flew the two of them into the library.

Dusk’s eyes widened in horror as he realized his ploy had backfired and caused the other pony to invade his home. He quickly dashed in and politely yet forcibly ejected the yellow pegasus from the premises.

“Yes, yes. We’ll get right on that,” he panted. “Well, good night!”

Dusk quickly slammed the door in Butterscotch’s face. Butterscotch was very confused by the entire interaction. Butterscotch noticed a dazed spider that had been thrown out of Dusk’s mane. He gently scooped it up. “Oh, poor thing,” he sympathized. “C’mon, let’s get you somewhere dark and quiet…”

Inside the library it was pitch black, though Dusk’s and Spike’s eyes were gleaming in the shadows.

“Wow. Rude much?” Spike huffed.

Dusk sighed, knowing his little brother was right. “Sorry, Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming, and we’re running out of time. I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time. Now where’s the light?”

That question was answered when the light suddenly snapped on, revealing a beautiful main entry room packed with books and bookshelves … and ponies prepared for a party, if the streamers and noisemakers where anything to go by…

“SURPRISE!!” The crowd shouted as confetti rained down.

That strange pink stallion with the apparent ability to levitate popped into view.

“Surprise!” he shouted. “Hi. I’m Bubble Berry, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised?!” he asked with a grin that nearly split his face in two, never quite staying entirely still.

Dusk sighed. “Very surprised. Libraries are supposed to be quiet,” he grumbled.

Bubble gave a polite laugh at that. “Well, that’s silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet? It’d be boring!” Dusk groaned and walked off, not losing Bubble in the slightest, who continued to ramble on. “You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all, ‘Hello,’ and I was all—” he gasped dramatically. “Remember? You see, I’d never seen you before, and if I never saw you before, that means you’re new. I know everypony, and I mean everypony, in Ponyville.”

Dusk decided to try some punch as a way to alleviate the beating his ears were taking. Most of the bottles were green, Dusk simply grabbed a red one and poured himself a glass.

Bubble continued on. Apparently, he was not limited by mere mortals’ need to inhale. “And if you’re new, it meant you hadn’t met anyone yet, and if you haven’t met anyone yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don’t have any friends, then you must be lonely, and that made me sad. And I had an idea, and that’s why I gasped, because it was a really good one!”

Dusk rolled his eyes as he put a crazy straw into his glass. He took a deep sip.

“I knew that I should throw you a great big welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville!” Applejack, Butterscotch, Rainbow Blitz, and Elusive joined their friend. “See? And now you have lots of friends!” Bubble finished excitedly.

Dusk’s eyes grew wide, and his face turned fire-engine red as he began to sweat.

“Are ya ok, partner?” Applejack asked nervously.

Dusk jumped into the air as steam whistled from his ears and he let out a long breath of fire. “GAH!” he shouted before he ran off to find something to drink.

Spike picked up the bottle that Dusk had just guzzled and read the label. “Hot sauce…” he said in surprise.

“Whoops…” Bubble said with a flinch. “I thought he’d seen the label…” He then gave a shrug and poured some of the sauce over a cupcake, taking a good-sized bite. “Hey, not bad!” he said with a smile. His friends all shook their heads with a smile at his usual antics.

Dusk was in the loft that had been converted into a makeshift bedroom for him, with his head under a pillow to try and block out the thumping party music from below. He glanced up at the clock and groaned when he saw the insanely late hour.

“Hey, Dusk!” Spike called as he walked into the room with a lampshade on his head, still grooving to the dance music. “Bubble Berry is starting a game of Pin the Tail on the Pony! Wanna play?”

“No!” Dusk shouted. “All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!!!!!” he screamed with an eye twitch.

Spike grinned and folded his arms. “Well, you’re a pony in this town now.”

“Do NOT use my words against me!” Dusk yelled. “Do you have any idea what time it is?! And I’m the king of all-night studying!”

“Aw, c’mon, Dusk! It’s the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration,” Spike protested. “Everypony has to stay up, or they’ll miss the Princess raising the sun. You know that! You really should lighten up, Dusk. It’s a party!”

“I hate parties,” Dusk muttered before Spike simply shrugged and headed back into the fray.

Dusk groaned. “Here I thought I’d have time to learn more about the Elements of Harmony. But, silly me, all this ridiculous friend-making has kept me from it! What is the Princess thinking?!” He looked out the window to the full moon where a silhouette of Nightmare Moon’s head could clearly be seen. Knowing he wouldn’t sleep tonight, Dusk got up and headed towards the window.

“Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year …the stars will aid in her escape …and she will bring about everlasting night.” He sighed. “I hope the Princess was right. I hope it really is just an old pony tale.”

Still wearing the lampshade, Spike called, “Come on, Dusk It’s time to watch the sunrise!”

I had to agree with Dusk in one regard, I wasn’t overly fond of parties either. I also was not the greatest at pretending to be a pony, my time as Maroon Flask notwithstanding since there were several occasions where I’d blatantly broken character.

I still would have enjoyed parts of mixing it up in the library. But I had a long-standing previous engagement that night, starting right at sundown…

For the first time in eons, I was genuinely nervous.

Hey, I said awkwardly. I cleared my throat. ‘Hey?’ That’s a little casual. Greetings, then, Nightmare Moon. … I’m here to wake you up. Which is going to hurt you so much more than it will hurt me, I sighed. Someday I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve put you through.

She honestly looked peaceful there, stretched out and deeply dreaming. The stars were breathtaking from up here as well, and Equus took up the entire horizon behind her.

I hope this doesn’t go like last time… I said, remembering the last time Nightmare Moon and I had decided to pay each other’s minds a visit. With that, my physical form dissolved, and I walked into her dreams…

I’d been expecting scenes of all of Equus shrouded in eternal night, Nightmare Moon reigning supreme. Maybe her slowly torturing her enemies, and I knew I was heavily featured on that list…

I was not expecting to wind up in the middle of a ball. Actually, it was a masquerade. I grinned excitedly. I loved masquerades! I’d been quite put out when they fell out of fashion in Equestria a few centuries ago, though they’d been making a comeback.

It was a stunningly gorgeous night out, and I recognized this as a place from Luna’s childhood. There hadn’t been the gigantic castle in the past though. I was however distracted by another sight.

You could see entire arms of the galaxy out, stars slowly wheeling by with the occasional shooting star. The moon was enormous and a beautiful pale yellow. There were the faintest hints of pinks and purples in the cosmic masterpiece.

Oh, Luna… I said with a big smile. I have to admit to being prejudiced, but Celestia can’t begin to compare with this…

Knowing I should try and blend in, I assumed the shape of a pony in a dark cloak, wearing a grinning fox mask. What? I like foxes. It’s not like I was showing up dressed as the Red Death… To my surprise, the guards at the door let me in with no issue. Inside it was a whirlwind of color, noise, music, laughter, and activity. Wanting to observe, I made my way to a buffet table, overflowing with foods from across Equus. I sampled the cheese board. Oh, wow! I can even taste the food! When you dream, you dream well...

I glanced around the party. I had time to find her, but my main priority was finding a way to wake her up…

Slinking along the shadows I explored the castle. In a courtyard was a tall clock tower, the clock wasn’t running, though it was only 10 minutes to midnight. I glanced up at the stars above me, which suddenly all flashed in a sequence.

My cloak hadn’t had pockets, but now it did, and there was a familiar object in one…

Back when I had visited the City of the Stars, the stars had given me a crankshaft, explaining that it was their part in my prophecy that the stars would aid in Nightmare Moon’s escape.

I glanced at the frozen clock, then back at the crankshaft. Oooooh! I said as it finally clicked. Hindsight, right?

The tower wasn’t locked, and there was indeed a spot that the crankshaft slotted into. I wound up the clock and ducked as it slowly wheezed to life.

That part of my work done, I crept back into the party to try and find Nightmare Moon or Luna…

Where could she be? Alicorns tend to stick out… Oh. Oh, my…

I’d been expecting Nightmare Moon’s dream to be of her conquering Equestria and finally getting the recognition she craved. I hadn’t been expecting it to be Luna simply enjoying a party. Though “Luna” might not have fit…

In the middle of a small crowd of ponies was a laughing tall, deep blue Alicorn with a familiar starry mane and cutie mark… That was definitely Luna … so why was she a stallion? … An extremely good-looking stallion…

I’d been staring, surprised by this turn of events, and Luna turned and locked eyes with me, his eyes widening. He quickly walked over. I backed away, pressing into a wall. Crap, crap, crap, Princess of Dreams, she knows I don’t belong here!

“Uh, pardon?” I asked, not hearing what he’d been saying.

He gave a warm laugh. “We asked if we may have this dance…”

I nodded mutely.

He gently pulled me onto the dancefloor, and we began a waltz together.

“Yo- Thou art staring,” I said.

“Ye remind us of … somepony from long ago. Someone perhaps from a dream…”

I grinned under my mask. “Surely ‘twas a nightmare then…”

Luna shook his head. “Nay. ‘Twas a good, long dream. A dream of … friends.”

I felt flattered at that. Before I could reply, the clock began to strike midnight. The guests began to scream in horror. I looked away and saw that they were crumbling into dust. The castle was as well, though more slowly.

Luna was staring at the grisly scene in shock. The world she’d known for the last thousand years was literally crumbling down around her. Well, him, at the moment.

“But … but we were … happy,” he whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek. “What … what is this?!”

The dream is over. Time to wake up…

He turned and saw that his dance partner looked more familiar. I was in my multi-limbed liontaur Draconequus form.

“You!” Luna shouted. He was full-on sobbing at this point. I simply nodded in reply. “This is your fault!”

Yes… Dark cracks were appearing along Luna’s body, and he was slowing turning back into Nightmare Moon as her armor appeared on her.

In a combination of both voices, Luna screamed, “I HATE YOU!!!!”

I sighed as I dissolved as well. Take a number. I was here first…

And then she woke up.

Nightmare Moon sat up slowly, her joints practically creaking due to how long it had been since she’d used them. Her mouth was painfully dry as she smacked her lips. Yet she was alive after a thousand years in space with no food or water. That had been somewhat tricky to do, even Alicorns aren’t that immortal…

Her brain hadn’t quite finished waking up, but she knew that she had been happy, and someone had taken it away from her…

She wanted vengeance! She wanted pain and suffering! She wanted her subjects to acknowledge her as the rightful ruler of all of Equus! And then maybe the universe!

What she really wanted was about a dozen aspirin and a pot of coffee…

As she stood up, she saw a summoning circle appear around her hooves and slowly begin to spin. “What?” she asked.

Being banished to the moon had hurt. The reversal also hurt, but thankfully less.

When her vision cleared, Nightmare Moon found herself in a decrepit castle. This was the Castle of the Two Sisters! … What had happened to it?!

A voice broke her thoughts. “Hello, Sister. I assume you’re still in there… And to Nightmare Moon … well, you have quite the hostage now…”

Nightmare Moon turned and saw Celestia kneeling before her. She grinned wickedly. This day was going to be perfect…

In Ponyville, before dawn everypony had gathered into the town square pavilion whose windows were ablaze with light. It was packed full of ponies in front of a raised dais in front of and below a curtained archway.

Spike was riding on Dusk’s back, having finally taken the lampshade off. Despite how crowded the pavilion was, it was almost reverently silent.

At least it was until Bubble Berry zipped over to Dusk. “Isn’t this exciting? Are you excited? ’Cause I’m excited, I’ve never been so excited, well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town. But I mean, really, who can top that?” Dusk rolled his eyes yet again.

A spotlight shone upon the curtained archway before dropping down to the dais below. A middle-aged matronly mare stepped up to a podium, adjusting her glasses and clearing her throat before beginning her speech. “Fillies and gentle colts! As Mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” Everypony cheered except for Dusk and Spike.

Th Mayor continued. “In just a few moments… our town will witness the magic of the sunrise and celebrate this, the longest day of the year!”

Celestia was behind the curtain, and she nodded as her horn lit up. One thousand years later, and it was finally time…

Love, she thought to herself. Arachnos said the key is love. … I don’t love Nightmare Moon at all. But I do love Luna. Oh, I should have seen how unhappy you were, sister. I should have listened to you, not dismissed you. I never should have thought it was my place to outshine you.

Even when you became Nightmare Moon, I should have listened to your – to her complaints, as they were truly yours. I shouldn’t have sent my sister to the moon. I hope you can forgive me for how badly I have failed you…

Mayor Mare continued her speech. “And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land…”

Dusk glanced up at the moon. There was a miniscule explosion of red on its surface, and the silhouette of Nightmare Moon that had stood there for a thousand years wavered and vanished. Dusk’s mouth dropped open. This wasn’t good…

Oblivious to the shakeup happening in the heavens, Mayor Mare continued. “…the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day…the good, the wise… …the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria…”

Butterscotch got his bird choir ready.

“…Princess Celestia!” Mayor Mare finished dramatically.

As he had been the one to prepare the decorations, Elusive pulled the curtain to reveal the spotlight shinning … on absolutely nothing. He blinked. “Huh?”

Dusk was fearfully trotting in place, “Oh, this can’t be good…” he muttered.

The mayor asked the assembled ponies to remain calm, assuring them that there must be a reasonable explanation.

Bubble was excitedly jumping in place. “Ooh, ooh! I love guessing games! Is she hiding?”

“No, she’s gone!” Elusive called. The crowd gasped in shock.

Bubble said conspiratorially to Dusk, “Ooh, he’s good…” He then glanced at the balcony and let out a fearful cry.

Deep blue-violet clouds of vapor with twinkling lights like stars had begun to envelop the balcony like a genie being summoned from a bottle.

“Oh, no…” Dusk murmured.

The thickening clouds burst away, revealing the blue-armored, winged unicorn figure of Nightmare behind them, her wings spread dramatically.

“Nightmare Moon!” Dusk shouted. Spike moaned in shock and fainted, toppling off his back. “My hero…” Dusk muttered.

Nightmare Moon gave a sinister chuckle. “Oh, my beloved subjects. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”

“What did you do with our Princess?!?” Rainbow Blitz shouted. He started into a flying charge, but Applejack grabbed his tail in his teeth to stop him.

“Whoa there, pal!” Applejack shouted.

Nightmare Moon gave an amused chuckle. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?”

Bubble Berry started waving a leg excitedly to get her attention. “Ooh, ooh! More guessing games! Um…Hokey Smokes! How about…Queen Meanie? No…Black Snooty! Black Snooty!” Applejack gave Nightmare Moon an embarrassed grin as he cut Bubble off by shoving a whole cupcake into his mouth.

“Does my crown no longer count, now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” Nightmare Moon asked in shock. She got in Elusive’s face, cradling it in a lock of her intangible mane. “Did you not recall the legend?” She began gently slapping Elusive. “Did you not see the signs?!” she shouted.

“I did!” Dusk shouted back. “And I know who you are! You’re the Mare in the Moon—Nightmare Moon!” The crowd gasped at the revelation.

Nightmare Moon gave a delighted yet still terrifying grin. “Well, well, well. Somepony who remembers me,” she said softly. “Then you also know why I’m here.”

Dusk nodded, growing nervous. “You’re here to…to…”

Nightmare Moon finally let go of Elusive, spreading her wings again as she proclaimed, “Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!” She let out a wild cackle as lightning tore through the pavilion before a blast of mist shot through the pavilion.

Mayor Mare shouted, “Seize her! Only she knows where the Princess is!”

Three of the pegasus Royal Guards flew up and began to close in on Nightmare Moon.

“STAND BACK, YOU FOALS!” she shouted.

Her eyes burned white, producing more lightning that hurled the guards backwards.

Really? a voice muttered. You’re channeling Maleficent now? You do you, I guess…

If Nightmare Moon heard that, she didn’t respond. She simply cackled more, and she wrapped her mane and tail around herself and vanished into a cloud of mist. The blue-violet mist made a beeline for the open front door, snaking through the panicked crowd and the dazed guards.

Applejack had kept his teeth locked on Rainbow Blitz’s tail ever the entire time, Rainbow finally snaped it loose and charged after Nightmare.

“COME BACK HERE!!” Rainbow bellowed.

Nightmare was too fast and had too great a head start. Rainbow could only hover and watch as she cleared the edge of town.

“Nighttime…forever?” Rainbow said in horror. He then spotted Dusk galloping out of the room with the still unconscious Spike slung over his back. “Where’s he going?” Rainbow asked.

Spike was asleep in his basket in the Golden Oak Library. He bolted awake and shouted, “We gotta stop Nightmare!” sounding half-dazed.

Dusk was standing watch and draped a blanket over his younger brother. “You’ve been up all night partying, Spike,” he murmured. “I know you don’t like to hear it, but you are a baby dragon, after all.”

“No, but I can HELP!” Spike protested. He tried summoning a ball of green fire which fizzled out. “Oh, come on!” he said with a small roar, trying again and failing.

Dusk gave a small chuckle at that. “I know what a fighter you are, Spike, pretty sure you got that from Shining. But right now, you’re in no condition to fight anypony, least of all something like her. And … you’re too important for me to lose. I … I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough. Please, rest, and get your strength back. If I need you, believe me, I’ll find a way to tell you.”

Spike accepted that and nodded, drifting off. The lights went out and he snored quietly—right through a commotion that shook the entire room for a moment. Its source was the fully lit reading room, where books are scattered all over the floor and being flung into view.

Dusk was frantically sorting through them. “Elements, Elements, Elements…” He let out a frustrated groan when he couldn’t find a reference book. “How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?!” He let out a yelp when an enraged Rainbow Bltiz flew into his face.

“And just what are the Elements of Harmony?” Rainbow yelled, causing Dusk to slowly back up. “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy?” Rainbow was yanked back, hard. “Whoa!” he shouted.

Applejack once again spat out his hotheaded friend’s tail, earning a dirty look from Rainbow. “Calm down,” the farmpony said in a reasonable tone. By that point, Bubble, Elusive, and Butterscotch had come in as well. “Ah know it’s mighty strange that he showed up the same day as Nightmare Moon, but he ain’t no spy.” The orange stallion gave Dusk a piercing look. “But he sure knows what’s goin’ on—don’t ya, Dusk?”

Dusk sighed and nodded. “I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her. But I don’t know what they are, or where to find them. I don’t even know what they do!”

Bubble had been inspecting a bookshelf and read off the title of one of the books: “The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide by Aaron K. Noss.”

Dusk practically flattened him as he streaked across the room to see. “How did you find that?!” he shouted.

“It was filed under ‘E’!” the pink stallion said with a smile.

“Oh,” Dusk said flatly.

He levitated the volume over. “‘There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are historically documented,’” he read aloud. ‘“Kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty, and loyalty. These six artifacts have helped to shape the history not only of Equestria, but of all of Equus, often by banishing dark and dangerous creatures....’” Dusk was momentarily distracted as he tried to remember something. “‘Aaron K. Noss’. Where do I know that author from?!” He simply let it slide and continued reading.

Outside the window, Nightmare Moon’s vapor form was hovering unseen, clearly listening to the helpful plot exposition.

Dusk continued reading. “‘The sixth Element’s name and nature has been lost to even legends. It is said the last known location of the five Elements was in the ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, where they were hidden after the Banishment of Nightmare Moon.’”

Nightmare Moon quickly zipped away to claim her prize.

Dusk read out the last of the section. “‘The castle is located in what is now…’” He shuddered.

“‘…the Everfree Forest?!?’” the group finished together in horror. In the distance, a wolf howled mournfully, right on cue. If anypony had ever bothered to actually check, they would have discovered that several generations of local wolves had had special training for these thematic moments.

Bubble was the first to break the silence. “Alright!” he cheered, “Let’s go!”

“Not so fast!” Dusk shouted. Bubble skidded to a halt. Dusk sighed. “Look. I appreciate the offer. But I’d really rather do this on my own.”

Applejack shook his head. “No can do, partner. We sure ain’t lettin’ any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone.” Dusk flinched a bit at being called “friend.” Applejack continued as the group headed out. “We’re stickin’ to ya like caramel on a candy apple!”

Butterscotch, Rainbow, and Elusive all nodded in agreement.

Bubble excitedly said, “Especially if there’s candy apples in there!” Dusk gave him a funny look. “What? Those things are good!”

Dusk noticed that the other five had all already headed into the forest. He sighed and followed in after them.

In the library, a shape faded into view. Its lower half was a lion with cream-colored toes and a bit of brown at the end of the tuft of fur on the end of its tail. Its upper half was roughly humanoid, with white fur, six arms ending in clawed paws along with four very large wings with dozens of eyes at the tops. Its head was vaguely goat-shaped with a mouth full of shark-like teeth and long fangs sticking over its lips, along with a deep red goatee. It had 3 horns and instead of normal eyes, its eyes showed slowly-moving scenes from space. It was also far too tall to comfortably fit into the room, it was very hunched over.

It picked up the book Dusk had just been reading in a red right paw, giving it a quizzical look. Why wouldn’t it be filed under “E?” This place doesn’t use the Dewey Decimal system yet, so how else would you file things? The author’s middle initial?

It shrugged and made the mistake of standing up. OW! it yelped as its horns hit the ceiling. The pain shot down to the tip of its tail which protested by knocking a lamp off of a table.

The thing moved in a blur, managing to catch it just before it hit the floor. It let out a sigh of relief. It then wondered why in the age of electric lighting, the previous librarian still used oil-based lamps inside of a library that was in a living tree. Wouldn’t an electric lamp be less of a fire hazard? Still, it could have been worse…

It set the lamp back down and turned to speak. You aren’t screaming, it said in a surprised tone.

Spike shrugged. “I’m still asleep. Anything as strange looking as you can’t be real, so I must be dreaming. I was going to get a sandwich; do you want one too?”

Several expressions passed over the thing’s face before it finally said, I don’t really have ti- You know what? A sandwich would be great actually. I’ll make them.

It headed into the kitchen. Spike was surprised that it knew where it was, and even more surprised to be given a ham and emerald sandwich, his favorite. His odd companion elected for turkey and black pearls, crunching down with no apparent dental distress.

You’re staring…

“Sorry. Um. What … are you?”

It’s easy to explain but hard to understand… Most creatures categorize me as a god for simplicity’s sake, but I’m really not. Just close enough that from everyone else’s perspective, the difference doesn’t matter. Good turkey, I’ll have to look up where it’s from… it … he said, switching topics suddenly. It’s late, and your battery is low, you should rest up for tomorrow.

“Will there even be a tomorrow? I mean, eternal night kind of says otherwise…”

The not-god smiled at Spike, taking care to keep his teeth hidden. I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I might have to actually do my job, and no one wants that… I’m a pessimist, but I am quite confident that it will turn out all right. Your brother just needs a bit of a nudge. Hopefully not off the side of a cliff.

With that he literally inhaled the rest of his sandwich. Spike ate quickly as well. The not-god’s fingers were drumming.

Good night, Spike. Let’s hope it’s not the last one…

Spike waved goodbye and went up to his basket. A few minutes later, I came in to check on him. He was shivering in his sleep. My horn lit up and his blanket tucked him in. I passed him his teddy bear as well, feeling … something … as he curled protectively around it. I was on a tight timetable, but I simply watched the sleeping dragon for a few moments.

You got me to care about you. I don’t like giving people that kind of power over me, I hope you realize how special that makes you. And I hope that more importantly, you never understand those feelings. Because that would mean you were as broken as I am, and I wish that on very few people…

Well, time to go make a pest of myself, I said with a sharp-toothed grin before fading out again.

Inside the Everfree, Dusk tried making conversation to steady his nerves. “So… …none of you have been in here before?” he asked.

Elusive shook his head. “No, definitely not. This is one of the gloomiest places in Equestria!”

“And it ain’t natural.” Applejack added. Unseen by the entire group, a certain Alicorn’s mist form had flowed into the cracks along the edge of the cliff they were walking on. Applejack continued. “Folks say it don’t work the same as Equestria.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dusk asked.

Rainbow emerged from the shadows and said in an ominous tone, “Nopony knows. You know why?”

“Rainbow, quit it!” Applejack snapped, knowing his friend well enough to know where this was going.

Rainbow continued anyway, dragging out the suspense. “’Cause everypony who’s ever come in has never…come…OUT!” He’d been creeping up while saying that and leapt up menacingly on the very last word.

The real scare, however, came when the edge of the cliff crumbled away and took all four non-winged ponies screaming with it. Butterscotch and Rainbow managed to get airborne just in time.

“Butterscotch, QUICK!” Rainbow shouted before diving down.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no!” Butterscotch kept muttering as he followed his friend.

From a clifftop across the ravine, I was watching four of the Mane Six plummet to their doom. I knew how this went in the show, but seeing it happen in-person … I should help them! I thought with horror.

To my shock, an arm wrapped around my chest, and a Voice whispered in my ear, Can’t let you do that, Starfox… I recognized the voice. “Smug?!” I asked in shock.

He chuckled. Glad you recognize me, though I’m not overly fond of that name, accurate though it is. You know it doesn’t count if you solve it for them. Have a little faith…

I glanced at the arm that was lightly restraining me out of curiosity. I’d never seen Smug in the flesh, part of me had been thinking he didn’t even have a body. It was an anthropomorphic red fox’s arm. That was … unexpected. It lightly tapped me to get my attention, then pointed back at the in-progress disaster. Right, priorities.

As everypony was falling down the cliff-turned rockslide, Rainbow hoisted Bubble clear of the danger and Butterscotch snaped his teeth onto Elusive’s tail to stop him falling as well. Applejack stopped himself by biting down on an exposed root, leaving Dusk alone to skid toward the edge of a very long drop. Dusk wound up with his hind legs dangling over the precipice; Applejack quickly sized up the situation, then let go of his root to slide along and help.

“Hold on! Ah’m a-comin’!” Applejack yelled. Once at the edge, he gripped Dusk’s front hooves to hold him up.

“Applejack! What do I do?” Dusk yelled, clearly out of his bookworm depth.

There was a long tense pause as Applejack looked all around before looking back at the purple unicorn. “Let go,” he said flatly.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” Dusk screamed at the suggestion.

“No, Ah ain’t,” Applejack said simply. “Ah promise you’ll be safe.”

“That’s not true!” Dusk protested.

In a calm and reasonable tone, Applejack said, “Now listen here. What Ah’m sayin’ to ya is the honest truth. Let go, and you’ll be safe.”

Dusk’s survival instincts battled against his wanting to trust the pony who literally held his life in his hooves. Finally, he let go and plunged over the side, screaming the whole way to his death. He suddenly came to a halt in midair. With a bewildered expression, he saw that Butterscotch and Rainbow Blitz had both caught him.

“Phew!” Dusk breathed with relief.

A sudden weight shift caused him to nearly slip out of their grasp with a yell, before they compensated for it and lowered him gently to the ground.

Butterscotch flopped down, panting heavily. “Sorry, sorry, I keep meaning to hit the gym, but..." he gulped air.

"Are you kidding?" Rainbow asked, “That was awesome! You powerlifted two fully-grown stallions!” Butterscotch smiled at the rare praise from Rainbow that wasn’t all about him.

Applejack leapt down from one protruding ledge to another, so nimbly that he might have been part mountain goat, finally joining his friends.

I let out a shaky exhale.

See? Not everyone lies, Smug told me. See you in a bit~ The arm pulled away from me.

Wait! I protested. Come back! Don’t … leave me… I sighed. Honestly, he’s as bad as I am…

If your first attempt at murder doesn’t succeed, try, try again. Nightmare Moon found a nearby monster to use.

Five members of the Mane Six were walking through the forest again, except for Rainbow Blitz who preferred to touch the ground as little as possible when he could fly. The pegasus was excitedly recounting his heroic deeds. “And once Bubble and Elusive were safe…whoosh! Me and Butterscotch looped the loop around, and wham! Caught you right in the nick of time.” He demonstrated the move while describing it and landed next to Dusk on “wham!”

In an irritated tone, Dusk said, “Yes, Rainbow, I was there.” Dusk did manage a small smile. “And I’m very grateful. But we gotta—”

He stopped and let out a gasp as a creature dropped into view. “A manticore!” Dusk shouted. It let out a mighty roar. “We’ve got to get past him!”

Butterscotch was hovering nervously nearby. The manticore leapt up at Elusive, taking a swipe at his face with its paw. Elusive ducked and countered the attack with a buck to the face that knocked the manticore back.

“Take that!” Elusive shouted.

The manticore responded by a roaring loudly directly into his face, leaving his mane a frizzed-out shambles due to the moisture in its breath.

Elusive chuckled nervously. “Uh, my sincerest apologies?” he tried diplomatically.

The manticore’s lips drew back and it gave a low growl. Elusive nodded, message received, and beat a hasty retreat past Butterscotch.

“Wait!” Butterscotch yelled.

The manticore started chasing after Elusive but suddenly stopped because Applejack had jumped right onto its head.

Applejack gave a delighted shout of, “Yee-haa!” The manticore started desperately trying to buck her off. “Get along, little doggie!” Applejack called.

“Wait!” Butterscotch yelled, louder this time.

The manticore managed to send the Earth Pony flying. As he sailed over Rainbow Blitz, the orange stallion called out, “All yours, partner!”

Rainbow gave his friend a salute and shouted, “I’m on it!” He zoomed past Butterscotch.

“Wait!” Butterscotch yelled again, again uselessly.

Rainbow Blitz spun a rainbow tornado around the manticore, but with surprising accuracy, the manticore targeted him and knocked him towards the trees with its tail.

“Rainbow!” Dusk called, genuinely worried for the pegasus.

The manticore was now facing Dusk. Dusk was not Shining Armor, he was not by nature a physically active pony, but if he was going to die, he wouldn’t go down without a fight… He braced himself for the oncoming battle.

Five ponies began to charge towards the manticore who began to charge towards them as well. As an epic battle was about to begin, Butterscotch threw himself in between the two charging sides.

“WAAAIIIT!!” the normally meek pegasus yelled loudly enough that it echoed off the trees.

Both sides stared at the yellow pony in slight shock. Butterscotch glanced at his friends, then at the manticore. He walked towards it, it raised a clawed paw, apparently ready to disembowel the butter-colored pegasus.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Butterscotch said softly.

The rest of the group saw Butterscotch sniffing at the paw not lifted for a strike. The manticore uncertainly un-clenched it to reveal a large thorn stuck in the pad. It let out a soft whimper.

“Oh, you poor, poor little baby,” Butterscotch crooned.

“Little?!” Rainbow said in shock.

“Now this might hurt for just a second,” Butterscotch told the manticore in a caring tone. He plucked the thorn out carefully. The manticore gave a deafening roar directly in his face.

“BUTTERSCOTCH!!!!” the group screamed in horror.

They then saw that the pegasus was not only alive and unharmed, but he was actually being cuddled and licked by the now joyful manticore.

Butterscotch laughed. “Aw, you’re just a little old baby kitty, aren’t you?” He began to baby-talk the gigantic monster. “Yes, you are. Yes, you are.”

The rest of the group had been staring in shock, but simply smiled when they saw that their friend was all right. The manticore gave Butterscotch a hearty lick across the mane that swept it up into a massive cowlick.

Applejack gave a warm chuckle. “Ah know ya have a way with critters, but yer definitely goin’ to die tryin’ to pet something you shouldn’t, Butterscotch,” he teased lightly.

Butterscotch gave the manticore’s neck a hug goodbye. “Yep,” he said with a smile. “Isn’t it great?” He then unlatched from the manticore, which set him down, the two giving each other a small wave goodbye.

As Butterscotch walked by, Dusk asked him, “How did you know about the thorn?”

Butterscotch shrugged. “I didn’t. Sometimes we all just need to be shown a little kindness.”

Dusk pondered this for a second, smiled to himself, nodded, and followed the group.

The thorn that had been in the manticore’s paw began to rapidly spin before it turned back into Nightmare Moon’s cloud form which zoomed after the group.

They found themselves walking through a boggy part of the forest.

Elusive sighed. “My eyes could use a different sight…” he muttered. The trees got so thick that nopony could see in front of them. “Well, I didn’t mean that literally!” he exclaimed.

Nightmare Moon’s cloud form snaked past the group.

Dusk groaned. “That ancient ruin could be right in front of our faces, and we wouldn’t even know it!” he grumbled.

Nightmare Moon crawled into a tree ahead of the group.

Applejack said to himself, “Oh, wait. Ah think Ah stepped in somethin’…” Butterscotch screamed, but Applejack just rolled his eyes and kept walking. “It’s just mud, Butterscotch! Honestly…” he grumbled.

Applejack stopped when he spotted that the tree in front of him had a horrific face with a toothy maw and glowing eyes. Applejack bolted back with a shout and the others stared in horror at the creepy, snarling faces all the trees around them now sported. They then burst into terrified screams.

As the rest of the sextet cowered, they were surprised to find Bubble Berry laughing uproariously. “Huh?” they collectively asked.

Bubble laughed at one of the horrid faces and made a few goofy ones of his own in response to the sight.

“Bubble, what are you doing?! Run!” Dusk shouted.

Cheery percussion music began to play out of nowhere.

“Guys, don’t you see?” Bubble called in a chipper tone.

Dusk’s ear turned to follow the music. He knew where this was going. “Oh, no…”

Bubble began to keep time with his hooves as he began to sing. In an exasperated tone, Dusk said, “Tell me he’s not…”

Elusive nodded. “He is,” he confirmed.

Bubble led the group in a song about dealing with fears by laughing at them to make them disappear, even Dusk enjoying himself a smidge. They let out a good long laugh at the fact they’d been so scared by a bunch of trees.

Still laughing as they walked, the stallions came to a sudden halt at the bank of a raging river, some of them crashing into Bubble as they weren’t paying attention. They craned their heads to get a good look at the rushing water.

Bubble stated what everypony was thinking. “How are we gonna cross this?” In the distance was the sound of eerie moaning and wailing. “Huh?!” Bubble asked in surprise.

The group took cover in a clump of bushes, and saw a long, purple, scaly tail thrashing about. Their eyes followed it until they saw what it was connected to, a massive purple sea serpent with skinny arms and blond hair with a small purple beard. Half of a magnificent mustache had been raggedly cut, and he was sobbing hysterically in a very effeminate voice for such a large guy. “Oh! What a world! What a world!”

Dusk called out, “Excuse me, sir. Why are you crying?”

The sea serpent sat up at the sound of unexpected company. “Well, I don’t know. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just whisked past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off!”

In a nearby grove, Nightmare Moon was laughing wickedly while villainously twirling the stolen mustache that was now above her upper lip. This was great! Why had she never done this before?!

…

Oh. Right. She was a mare. Mares couldn’t grow facial hair without the use of magic, and she’d been raised to be a “proper” mare, so something like that would never have been allowed.

Nightmare Moon’s head hung low, and she let out a weary sigh as an uncomfortable but familiar prickling settled under her skin. Her eyes narrowed. No matter! She had better things to do! She discarded the moustache and flew off the enact the next phase of her ~~desperate~~ brilliant plan!

A red paw picked up the mustache half. Huh… a voice muttered to itself before it too vanished.

The sea serpent who had introduced himself as Steven Magnet continued his hissy fit. “And now, I look simply horrid!” he moaned. He flopped into the river, causing a wave to soak the group of ponies who all groaned at that.

“Oh, gimme a break!” Rainbow Blitz grumbled.

“That’s what all the fuss is about?” Applejack complained.

Elusive nodded. “Why, of course it is! How can you two be so insensitive? Just look at this magnificent creature!”

Elusive continued as he stroked Steven’s snout. “Such beautiful luminescent scales.”

Steven sniffled. “I know!” He glanced up at his hair, clearly acting like a dog in need of praise.

Elusive got the message loud and clear. “And your expertly coiffed mane.” He stood up.

Steven nodded, patting his hair down. “Oh, I know, I know!” he said with an eager grin.

Elusive nodded. “Your fabulous manicure.”

Steven gasped and cradled his face in his talons. “It’s so true!” he confirmed.

“All ruined without your beautiful mustache,” Elusive summarized.

Steven began sobbing again. “It’s true, I’m hideous!” he wailed.

Elusive resolutely proclaimed, “I simply cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!” He grabbed one of Steven’s scales in his teeth and yanked it off the

“Ow! What did you do that for?” Steven complained.

Elusive lifted the scale’s razor-sharp point towards the night sky like an odd sword, with a very determined expression.

“Elusive, what are you—” Dusk tried to ask.

There was a sudden slashing noise, and Steven fainted dead away. The group stared in shock at what Elusive had cut: his own tail was nearly entirely gone, and it wasn’t the cleanest cut in the world. Elusive tossed the scale away and levitated the cut portion of his tail over to Steven, affixing it above the sea serpent’s lip.

Steven came round, and when he saw what had been done let out a delighted laugh. “My mustache! How wonderful!” He looked at Elusive with shining eyes. “Thank you,” he said, giving the white stallion a small bow.

Elusive gave a satisfied grin and a small nod. “You look smashing.”

“Oh, Elusive, your tail!” Dusk said sympathetically.

Elusive shrugged. “It’s perfectly fine. I’d been meaning to get it cut anyway. Anyway, short tails are in this season. Besides, it’ll grow back. I have rather fast-growing hair, something I can thank my father for.”

Dusk smiled and nodded.

Rainbow softly groused to Dusk, “The mustache would have grown back too…”

Dusk noted that now that its resident was no longer upset, the river was completely calm. He happily threw himself in and shouted, “We can cross now! Let’s go!”

A coil of Steven’s body picked him up, and Dusk saw he was using himself as a line of steppingstones for the smaller creatures. The sea serpent gave the group a salute. “Allow me!”

Once on dry land, the group pressed on. There was a sudden whooping sound, and the group screamed as something jumped onto a tree stump in front of them. It was a red fox with yellow eyes, looking at them with interest.

Applejack breathed a sigh of relief. “Just a fox…” he chuckled.

“Well, if it lives in the Everfree, it must really be a horrible monster in disguise!” Elusive said. The fox gave him an extremely offended look.

Rainbow Blitz got in between the vulpine and his friends, forelegs making karate-chopping motions. “Yeah? Well, whatever it really is, I can take it!”

The fox proceeded to wash his paw, then stretched like a cat, showing off not insignificant fangs. He then looked right at Rainbow and to the group’s immense shock said, You really couldn’t, but I genuinely admire your admittedly suicidal bravery. Try working on that…He gave the group a grin that was slightly horrifying to see on a feral fox’s face. Be seeing you…He hopped off the stump and walked behind a tree, not coming out from behind it.

Dusk shook his head like he was trying to clear an image from an Etch-a-Sketch. “Moving on,” he muttered to himself. He then glanced up and his eyes lit up. “There it is!”

“It” was the ruins of a castle on the other side of a cliff whose bottom was obscured by mist. There were the remains of a bridge, but no way to cross.

Dusk gave a laugh that was partly excited and partly relieved that this was almost over. “The ruin that holds the Elements of Harmony. We made it!” He began galloping for it.

“Dusk! Wait for us!” Applejack called, the rest of the group trying to keep up.

“Come on, guys, we’re almost there!” Dusk cheered. Not paying attention to where he was trotting, he nearly fell off the side of the cliff, luckily Rainbow was there to drag the lavender stallion back to safety by the tail.

Rainbow chuckled. “What’s with you and falling off cliffs today?”

“Now what?” Bubble asked, as they were unable to cross the chasm.

“Duh!” Rainbow said happily. He gave his wings a large stretch and lifted off.

“Oh, yeah!” Bubble said, surprised he hadn’t thought of that himself.

Rainbow dove down into the mist and came back up a moment later with the bridge ropes in his teeth. As he tied one of them down, an echoing female voice made him stop what he was doing.

“Rainbow…” it called out. He dropped the other rope and gasped as Nightmare’s cloud form drifted up unseen from below him.

“Who’s there?” Rainbow called out.

“Rainbow…” the voice called again. The mist started to thicken around the Pegasus, hiding him from his friends.

Rainbow punched at the air. “I ain’t scared of you! Show yourself!” he shouted.

“We’ve been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the best flyer in Equestria,” the voice informed him.

Rainbow blinked. “Who?”

“Why, you, of course,” the voice purred sweetly.

Rainbow grinned and eagerly asked, “Really?!” He managed to catch his ego running away from him and coughed. “I mean…oh, yeah! Me! Hey, uh, you wouldn’t mind telling the Wonderbolts that, would you? ’Cause I’ve been trying to get into that group for, like, ever!” he finished with a wide grin.

In an almost weary tone, the voice said, “No, Rainbow Blitz. We want you to join us.”

Three pegasi, two stallions and a mare galloped towards Rainbow. All three were wearing outfits similar to the Wonderbolts, yet edgier than thou.

“The Shadowbolts!” the mare proclaimed dramatically. Rainbow looked confused as he had never heard of them. The mare continued. “We are the greatest aerial team in the Everfree Forest, and soon we will be the greatest in all Equestria.” She leaned in closer to Rainbow. “But first…we need a captain.”

Rainbow’s eyes went wide, and a huge smile graced his face as the mare who was the only one to speak began to fly slowly in circles around him, assessing him.

The mare proclaimed, “The most magnificent…”

Rainbow nodded. “Yep.”

The mare continued. “…swiftest…”

“Yes,” Rainbow said eagerly.

The mare finished. “…bravest flyer in all the land.”

Rainbow chuckled. “Yes! I mean, it’s all true…”

Mercifully hidden beneath her flight goggles, the mare rolled her eyes as Nightmare Moon realized that she couldn’t possibly lay it on thick enough. She took a deep breath and continued. “We need…” She leaned over to whisper in Rainbow’s ear, “…you.”

Rainbow leapt up and cheered. “Woo-hoo! Sign me up!” He moved a bit to get the rest of the loose rope. “Just let me tie this bridge real quick, and then we have a deal!”

The Shadowbolt mare zipped across to stop him, shouting with a far more menacing tone. “NO! It’s them or us!” Rainbow recoiled slightly.

Having trouble seeing through the murk, Dusk called out, “Rainbow!” “What’s taking so long?” he asked himself. The mist cleared just enough for Dusk to see that Rainbow was surrounded by another test “Oh, no.” He then shouted, “RAINBOW!”

The mare’s eyes blazed yellow behind her goggles, causing the visibility to drop to zero in a lot less than ten seconds flat.

Rainbow heard Dusk’s voice, which was muffled by the now much thicker fog. “Don’t listen to them!” the unicorn shouted.

Rainbow’s brain was working overtime as he tried to come to a decision.

“Well?” the Shadowbolts’ leader asked impatiently. There was a lengthy pause.

Finally, Rainbow, “You.” The mare smiled victoriously, but Rainbow shook his head. “Thank you…for the offer, I mean.” In one blur of movement, he whipped back to the bridge and tied off the other rope, leaving three shocked Shadowbolts gaping at him. “But I’m afraid I have to say no,” Rainbow finished with an apologetic shrug.

With one last malevolent glare, the other three “pegasi” disappeared in three puffs of blue-violet smoke that came together and slunk away, seeming to pout. Rainbow flew across the repaired bridge as the fog dissipated to the sound of the others’ cheering. All six stallions headed across, with Rainbow flying ahead to lead the way.

Rainbow turned to Dusk and gave him a small, unexpectedly humble smile. “See? I’d never leave my friends hanging.”

In the chasm below, a certain Alicorn was currently extremely pissed off. Nightmare Moon shot off a volley of small stars that ricocheted off the walls, letting out an enraged scream.

She flew back and forth fast enough to become a sparkling blue blur, until she skidded to a halt with a sound of screeching brakes at the sight of … was that a face? Oh, it was upside-down. So was the … thing it was attached to.

Hanging from a large thread like a Lovecoltian spider was a multi-limbed centaur of sorts. Its upper body was humanoid with short white fur over well-developed muscles. Its lower half was that of a lion with rainbow-colored fluff where its torso met its lower half, as well as a bit of rainbow at the tip of the tuft of fur on the end of the tail. It had six arms that ended in clawed paws, its right paws were a cherry red. It had four massive wings that were white at the top and black at the bottom, with blue eyes nestled among the feathers towards the top of each wing.

The most horrifying part of the creature was honestly its head. It was vaguely goat-like, with a long brown mane that trailed all the way down its back. It had a long unkempt goatee that was a pale blonde right by the chin before most of it turned blood red. It had two long black horns and from its forehead sprouted a third horn; this one was white, grew at crooked angles, and was riddled with holes like a Changeling’s. Long fangs stuck out from the sides of its mouth, and a pair of very thick bushy black eyebrows were set over two inky black voids. It was … technically smiling, but there was no warmth at all to it, so all the smile did was put thousands of shark-like teeth on display.

Hey, it said in a male voice which echoed slightly. Want to play a game? You looked like you were having fun playing pinball there. You’re probably too busy to play, of course. I guess I can understand that, he sighed. Worlds to conquer and all.

Nightmare Moon only vaguely recalled this creature. Something to do with … spiders? Nightmares? She knew that it was a very bad sign if he was smiling and asking to play a game, though.

If you try and kill them again, I’ll get you. Eventually, I have all the time in the world. No need to rush. How about a deal? Rather than try and kill them behind their backs, face them directly. If you beat them, I’ll leave you alone to rule Eternal Night, because the consequences of that are honestly worse than what I’d do to you. He stuck out a red right paw.

Nightmare Moon got the distinct impression she was making a deal with the Ram. “And if they beat me?”

The creature gave her a chilling grin. Pray that they don’t… he whispered Be seeing you… He then turned right-side-up, clambered up his thread and disappeared in a flash of dark light.

Nightmare Moon shuddered but decided to take the good advice. These meddling foals had passed every obstacle she had thrown at them, it was time she dealt with them herself. She flew on.

The Not-Quite-Mane-Six-Yet stood inside the entry hall of the castle. Before them stood an apparatus consisting of six round stone tablets mounted at the ends of long shafts, with a larger orb at the center. The entire thing was heavily overgrown with moss and vines. It bore a resemblance to the framework that held the Elements of Harmony that Dusk recognized from his story.

Applejack broke almost a millennium of silence. “Whoa…come on, Dusk. Isn’t this what you’ve been waitin’ for?”

Dusk gave an excited grin. “The Elements of Harmony. We’ve found them!”

Butterscotch and Rainbow flew up and slowly began to take the tablets to the floor.

“Careful…careful…” Dusk cautioned out of habit more than necessity.

Bubble began counting. “One, two, three, four…Hey, there’s only five.”

“Where’s the sixth?” Rainbow asked.

Dusk laid down and furrowed his brow as he tried to remember. “The book said, ‘When the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed.’”

Applejack blinked. “Well, what in the hay is that supposed to mean?!” the cowpony exclaimed.

Dusk sighed. “I’m not sure, but I have an idea. Stand back,” he warned. “I don’t know what will happen…” He closed his eyes and began to charge up his horn.

Applejack nodded in understanding and began to lead the others away. “All right, come on now, y’all. He needs to concentrate…”

In her mist form, Nightmare slipped into the chamber, and gradually enveloped the five stone tablets before her. As the Dusk began to increase his efforts at the sudden resistance, she formed into a whirlwind that lifted the tablets off the floor.

Dusk opened his eyes and let out a yell when he saw the now-familiar colored cyclone, cutting off his magic in case it made her stronger.

From the bridge leading into the castle, the others heard his scream echoing.

“DUSK!” the group shouted.

Inside the room, the tornado grew in size and power, reaching nearly to what remained of the ceiling.

“The Elements!” Dusk cried in horror at the realization his enemy had them. He dove for them, and the storm shrunk to nothing, teleporting the unicorn and the Elements with him just as the others raced in.

The other five glanced around. Applejack inhaled deeply and shouted, “DUSK! WHERE ARE YA?!”

Elusive pointed out the window to another window in a tower in another part of the castle. A tell-tale flash of white light indicated teleportation at work.

Applejack nodded. “Come on!” he cried, the others racing along with him.

Dusk spent a few moments coughing from the dust and glanced up to see Nightmare Moon standing on a crumbled dais across the room. The mare chuckled wickedly as the 5 Element tablets floated leisurely in the grip of her mane and tail, clearly taunting Dusk with them.

Dusk’s eyes narrowed and he let out a bull-like snort as he lowered his head and pawed at the ground to work up the steam for a charge.

Nightmare Moon set the elements down, and in an almost amused tone, asked, “You’re kidding. You’re kidding, right?”

Dusk was in fact not kidding. With a war cry he charged straight for her. Nightmare began to charge as well, but Dusk disappeared with a flash before the two of them collided. Nightmare glanced around, seeing Dusk re-materialize on the dais he’d just tricked her off of. Dusk gave a loud pant, he’d done a lot more physical exertion that day than he was normally used to, and having not slept wasn’t helping his magical reserves.

Dusk pointed his horn at the Elements. “Just one spark,” he muttered desperately as his horn charged up again. “Come on, come on…”

Within their tablets, the Elements began to glow as well. With a snarl, Nightmare turned back into a tornado and flew onto the dais, throwing Dusk and the tablets across the floor. “No, no, no!” she shouted.

Dusk smirked, knowing that he finally had the upper hoof – and then to his shock, the Elements winked out.

“But…where’s the sixth Element?” he asked the universe in a desperate plea.

Nightmare Moon was laughing hysterically. She reared up and stomped dramatically, the force shattering the tablets. She laughed again. “You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your Princess—or your sun! The night will last forever!”

As Nightmare prepared to land her killing blow, Dusk’s friends charged into the room.

Dusk had a well-timed epiphany.

With a confident grin, he turned back over his wither and addressed the Dark Mare. “You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you’re wrong—because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!”

The stone shards gathered at Nightmare’s hooves began to glow and float free of the ground.

“What?!” Nightmare asked, shocked that this was happening.

“Applejack…who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of honesty!” Dusk said with a grin.

Shards of light began to circle around the orange stallion.

Dusk continued. “Butterscotch…who tamed the manticore with his compassion, represents the spirit of kindness!”

Shards started to orbit the Pegasus as well.

“Bubble Berry …who banished fear…by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of laughter!”

Bubble had an excited grin as his element began to circle him as well.

“Elusive, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift, represents the spirit of generosity!”

“And Rainbow Blitz, who could not abandon his friends for his own heart’s desire, represents the spirit of loyalty!

“The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!” Dusk finished with a proud grin.

A panicking Nightmare shouted, “You still don’t have the sixth Element! The spark didn’t work!”

Dusk shook his head. “But it did. A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you—to see you. How much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all…are my friends!” he finished with confidence.

A sixth tablet appeared above Dusk’s head and began to give the sixth Element to its new bearer.

“You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the…the spark that resides in the heart of us all…it creates the sixth Element. The Element of magic!”

A brilliant white light enveloped the six stallions as it spread along their bodies, forming into golden armor along their barrels and legs. At the throat of each stallion an ornate golden collar formed, each containing a gem that was tellingly shaped and colored like the stallion’s cutie mark.

“Ooh, I like this!” Elusive said with a wide grin.

Two rainbow-striped shafts of light emerged from the group as a double helix and shot towards the ceiling before joining into a single broad ribbon that swoops down on Nightmare.

“NOOOOO!!” she screamed as the light spiraled around her. “NOOOOO!!”

Each of the mane six was floating in white light, standing upright on their hind legs. Their eyes were also glowing a bright white. With one last bright flare, the light faded away completely.

As they’d all been knocked out by the force of the Friendship laser, they didn’t see a dark shadow be blasted out of their foe. From a shadow on the wall behind her, a long arm with thin white fur that ended in a red right paw tipped with sharp claws snatched the shadow, and a voice called out, Got you! before dragging it back into the shadow it had emerged from and disappearing.

The group started to come around gradually, groaning, and rubbing their heads.

“Everypony okay?” Applejack called.

Elusive noticed his tail had magically grown back. “Well, how about that?” he asked with a thankful smile.

The group was busy admiring the armor they’d been granted. “Sick!” Rainbow said with a grin. “Feel like I missed out a bit not joining the Royal Guard…”

“Ya got the work ethic for it?” Applejack asked his friend with a teasing grin. Rainbow took a playful swipe in protest. Applejack then sighed. “In all honesty, Dusk, Ah thought you were just spoutin’ a lot of hooey. But Ah reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.”

“Indeed, you do,” a voice that was very familiar to Dusk called.

The sun began to rise, and in a beam of light, Princess Celestia appeared before her ponies. Everypony except Dusk kneeled before her.

“Princess Celestia!” Dusk called ecstatically. He dashed over to the Princess, and the two nuzzled each other affectionately.

Celestia chuckled. “Dusk Shine, my faithful student. I knew you could do it.”

“But…you told me it was all an old pony tale!” Dusk protested.

Celestia smiled. “I told you that you needed to make some friends—nothing more.” She nodded at the other five stallions and motioned for them to stand. Celestia continued speaking. “I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon’s return, and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her. But you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart. (Now if only another will as well…”

The group glanced across the room where a second Alicorn was passed out among the smoking remains of Nightmare Moon’s armor.

“Princess Luna,” Celestia called softly.

The smaller, blue Alicorn woke up with a gasp. Celestia laid down to be at eye-level with her.

“It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this.” Luna cringed slightly at that. “Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister.” Luna reacted like the word “sister” was a slap in the face.

“Sister?!” Dusk and Rainbow said in unison.

Celestia stood up. “Will you accept my friendship?”

Luna faced away as she pondered everything, Dusk and his new friends leaning in expectantly to hear her reply. Bubble leaned a little too far, toppling to the floor with a shout of, “Whoa!” before the pink stallion stood back up.

Luna stood up, and nuzzled against Celestia’s chest, nodding as both sisters began to cry. “I’m so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister.”

Celestia smiled and wrapped her leg around Luna. “I’ve missed you too.”

There was the sound of a nose being blown loudly, and the group turned to see Bubble sobbing loudly into a handkerchief before he brightened up. “Hey! You know what this calls for?! A p-”

“Woah, Nelly!” Applejack shouted as he accidentally interrupted his friend.

Dusk turned and tried not to scream. With a skittering sound, what he had thought was a shadow rushing towards the group turned out to be thousands of spiders with glowing red eyes. With a single-minded purpose they flowed around the ponies, leaving a respectful distance before they picked up Nightmare Moon’s discarded armor and ran towards a wall, melting into a shadow and disappearing.

Applejack’s jaw had dropped. “Tell me Ah’m not the only one who saw that,” he managed weakly.

Celestia cleared her throat. “No. That was … somecreature who hates loose ends helping in his own way…”

“Anyway, as I was saying,” Bubble continued, “this calls for a party!” He gave an “Ooh!” as his golden armor folded in on itself until it was just a necklace that popped off.

The other five elements followed suit. Celestia laughed. “I have to admit to a bit of jealousy, I got a tiara when I wielded the Elements.”

“You wielded the Elements?!” Dusk asked.

Celestia nodded. “I … have a lot to tell you,” she admitted.

I a Ponyville meadow, a party had been set up seemingly from nowhere in that way Ponies were great at. A chariot bearing Celestia and Luna arrived as streamers and confetti rained down.

Spike bulldozed his way through the crowd to give Dusk the biggest hug he can manage, given his size, and everypony bowed to the sisters once they leave the chariot.

Celestia smiled gently, while Luna seemed a bit uneasy before the crowd. Two pegasus fillies flew up to place a wreath of red and white roses around her neck. She gave Celestia an uncertain, slightly teary-eyed little smile, not entirely understanding how these complete strangers could forgive her but accepting it all the same.

Celestia searched the crowd for a certain someone, but there was not a red right hoof in sight. A lick of rainbow fire appeared momentarily to deposit a scroll the way dragon fire would. In familiar writing it said, “Not my place or scene, I just helped a bit. I’ll see you two tonight, I have a lot of catching up and apologizing to do.” The letter then crumbled to ash.

Celestia noticed how downcast Dusk appeared. “Why so glum, my faithful student? Are you not happy that your quest is complete, and you can return to your studies in Canterlot?”

Dusk shook his head. “That’s just it. Just when I finally learn how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.” The rest of the group was very saddened by that news as well.

Celestia nodded in understanding, before calling, “Spike, take a note, please.”

Spike whipped out his quill and scroll. Celestia began to dictate. “I, Princess Celestia hereby decree that the unicorn Dusk Shine shall take on a new mission for Equestria. He must continue to study the magic of friendship. He must report to me his findings from his new home here in Ponyville.”

Dusk’s facial expression had started out as uncomprehending before giving way to a huge, grateful smile as the other five stallions mobbed him and shouted their congratulations.

“Oh, thank you, Princess Celestia! I’ll study harder than ever before!” Celestia rolled her eyes and laughed at that as the entire town cheered.

Much later that night, Luna tossed and turned, completely worn out. It wasn’t the time she slept, but she had been hoping to at least rest. A knock in a quick staccato of four pulled her out of her thoughts and she groaned and buried her head under a pillow.

“Go away,” she shouted, “We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!” she said, thinking of a nephew she’d been introduced to and had loathed on sight.

From the other side of the door, a voice called, And what about very old friends?

Luna pulled out from her cocoon at that and opened the door to find me there holding a bakery box. I proffered it to her. I worked hard on this, but if you want to smash it in my face or shove it in uncomfortable places, you would be entirely within your rights.

She opened the box to find a simple one-layer cake with a dark blue mirror glaze. In white icing the constellations had been depicted, and a large yellow moon was in one corner. In familiar cursive, the cake read, “Welcome Home!”

Luna cracked a smile at that. “Thy baking art has improved.”

I shrugged. It’s been … longer for me than it was for you. I’ve had a lot of time to practice…

Luna laughed at my strange speech, but she was used to it, and the meaning came through. May I come in? If you say no I will happily leave you alone until you wish to speak to me.

Luna shook her head. “We could use thy brand of madness, to be honest.”

As I entered her room, I stared at her. Huh. You’re smaller than the last time I saw you as you…

“Thou art just unnaturally tall!” Luna protested, wings fluffing up defensively.

I chuckled. True… There was a reason, but it makes living on this world interesting at times…

Luna laughed. “We cannot count the times thou hit thine head on the ceiling in our youth…”

I snickered at those memories. And those awful chandeliers! Now there was a hazard!

“They were hideous!” Luna agreed with a laugh. “Why did we not replace them sooner?” She pointed at a lamp that had been brought into her room in her absence. “Our sister tells us that ponies have now bottled lightning to allow them to have light at all times of day. And that two ponies may communicate no matter how far apart they are! Such marvels…” She looked downcast.

I nodded. Much has changed in the past thousand years, it’s true. But the important things remain the same. Which reminds me of my second gift! I pulled out a rectangle wrapped in brown paper and tied with black yarn.

Luna opened it to find a leatherbound book. The title was, “Arachnos’s Guide to Modern Equus for the Temporally Displaced.” She opened it and began to thumb through it.

You are the first to return, but a surprising number of creatures will be at least a thousand years out of date. Including some of my children. I thought this might be useful to have a guide for all of you.

Luna nodded. “We thank ye. ‘Tis a thoughtful and useful gift. May we partake of yon pastry now?” she asked with a grin.

I nodded and began to slice the cake and plate it. As Luna bit in she let out a moan. Oh? I didn’t know it was that good, I teased her.

Luna blushed. “Our apologies. Thy baking has … improved remarkably. We cannot remember experiencing flavors such as these.”

You haven’t eaten in some time before today. Everything will seem more intense. I … am so sorry for … what I did, and more importantly did not do. I should have stood up for you. Defended you. Let you know that you were not and are not alone, and that you are most certainly not unloved. Luna stared in concern as I dug my claws into my arm hard enough to draw golden blood. Perhaps I could have prevented this from happening. I felt a forehoof lightly touch my shoulder and saw Luna hovering before me.

“What is done, is done, my friend. Do not torture thyself with ‘What could have beens.’ As for the dream thou locked us in, that was meant as a kindness, we know that now. A thousand years of isolation would have driven us mad, and thou gave us the best dreams thou could. In truth … we have dreamed of this day more times than we can count, and we are still expecting to wake up any moment to the next dream. But we believe we are now awake, thanks in no small part to thee, according to our sister. Thou hast our everlasting gratitude for returning us to ourselves, Arachnos, know that.”

I sniffled at that. Luna chuckled. “Ah. We had forgotten what thy tears looked like. Thou art an odd one, for certain…”

I wiped the dark red liquid off my face. Thank you. You know, don’t tell Celestia this, but you were always my favorite. Luna smiled. The day is glorious, but for me it is painful. The nights are cool and for solitude, and the sky was the most amazing canvas every night thanks to you.

Luna sighed. “A pity we could not help thou with thine dreams…”

A panicked look crossed my face. Please stay out of my head, I croaked. It’s not safe in here…

Luna nodded. “We can remember everything we did as the Nightmare, and indeed remember our travels to your mind. We … worry for you from what we have seen. We had often wondered what goes on in thy mind…”

Nothing that I want to be a part of… Watch. My head tilted to the side. I am in Misery [Reses Puffs! Reses Puffs!] There ain’t nobody who can comfort me! [Eat ‘em up, eat ‘em up, eat ‘em up eat ‘em up!] My head straightened as an electroswing version of the Cantina Song from Star Wars began to play. My head tilted to the other side. The sounds of flames, evil laughter, and the tortured screams of the damned.

But mostly, I hear this, I concluded. Tock-tick tock-tick, tock-tick tock-tick, tock-tick tock-tick…Luna covered her ears. A ticking clock shouldn’t have been that overwhelmingly loud. I find patterns of four comforting, so I suppose that’s my brain trying to be kind and calming me down while also being cruel and reminding me how horribly temporary everything is, I finished with a hollow grin.

“So, thou hast not changed as much as we had hoped,” Luna concluded. “Thy wings are a recent addition.”

I nodded. Not by my choice, they just happened, and I cannot get rid of them, as with this, I finished, holding up a right paw. I do enjoy them though, though bright lights can be painful with this many eyes.

Luna nodded at that. “We can still remember when thou showed us the face thou wast born with.

At her insistence, I had explained to a young Luna what a “hoo-men” was, even showing her the face I’d been born with. I wasn’t overly fond of it.

I took a bite of the cake. Hey, it really is good! I should leave you to your duties, but I won’t leave you alone again. After all, “I love you” means “You’re never ever, ever gettin’ rid of me!” I said with a bright grin. Seeing Luna’s expression, I sighed. I was quoting “Waitress,” I try to avoid stalking. Have a good eventide! I disappeared.

The next morning as I walked into work, the door to the staff room burst open and to my shock I got literally lassoed into the room. Curtain Call spat the rope out. Everypony who worked at the school was there.

“What’s going on?”

“Don’t make us use your stash of truth serum!” the Ponish professor shouted.

“What stash of truth serum?!”

He held out a small potion bottle labeled “Truth Serum.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s vinegar I labeled truth serum as a joke. And you’ve been through my stuff?!” I growled.

The assembled teachers backed away quickly, knowing that touching my stuff without my permission tended to set me off.

Curtain Call sighed. “Are you Arachnos? Because I saw what you turned into before you flew away,” she said pointedly. “And after a very sleepless night, I got the rest of us together to try and figure out what you are, and …” She held out a scroll. “An obscure version of the legend of Discord had it.”

I stared at the stylized artwork of myself.

I sighed. Yes.

“Wait, really?”

I nodded. I would change into that, but that form is 12 feet tall. I’d punch a hole in the ceiling, and having done that before, it hurts. But yes, the name I’m best known by in Equestria is Arachnos the Weaver. The lasso uncoiled itself from around me, transformed into a ball python, and curled around my neck as the rest of the teachers gasped. I like you all too much to try and gaslight you or mess with your memories, but does anypony else know? They all shook their heads. I sighed. Small mercies in this day of smartphones. Please keep it that way, otherwise everypony will start asking me to solve all of their problems for them. There’s a reason I don’t act like a god. If you’ll all excuse me, I have a class to get ready for. I stalked out of the room.

“Is he bluffing?”

“Why would he bluff being the Weaver? Besides, you just saw him do a bit of transmutation without a horn, and he made it look effortless.”

“I … think Arac- Maroon wouldn’t want to be treated any differently. The being who invented magic got a job at the nation’s premier school of magic … as an Earth Pony. What does that tell you?”

“He’d rather be the target of racism than have ponies fawning all ov-? Ooooh…” It had finally clicked.

“So, we’re just not supposed to acknowledge the fact that the Potions Professor is God?”

“A god who chose to have a day job. You’ve seen what he’s like when he’s managed to get himself fired, do you really want to take it away from him?”

“It helps Arachnos to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, yes,” a new voice cut in.

“Princess Celestia!” The teachers bowed to the new arrival. “At ease, my little ponies,” she said with a smile.

“Wait, did you know who Maroon was?” Curtain Call asked.

Celestia nodded. “I knew Maroon was Arachnos the day I hired him. He’s … not exactly capable of subtlety. To clarify, he is rather insistent that he’s not a God, he prefers the term ‘Demiurge.’ Arachnos is frighteningly powerful, but he has pointed out limitations he has an actual God wouldn’t.”

“Why did you hire him?!”

“It amused me to do so,” Celestia said. Princesses did not have shit-eating grins, but her smile was wide and very mischievous. “And I knew from experience that he is actually quite gifted at potions. You couldn’t call Arachnos ‘mentally stable’ to his face on one of his good days, but he means well. He’s mostly … self-harming in his mind. I’ve only worried about him actually hurting somecreature a few times. He’s an old, dear friend, though I don’t think he knows that at times. His son and I…” Celestia paused. “We weren’t lovers by any means, but with hindsight, we did absolutely love each other, in our own ways. Even if we didn’t know it at the time. As you pointed out, this job gives Arachnos structure and stability, something that he desperately needs. Though I get the feeling he’s hoping to retire soon. I do hope he finds something else to fill his day…”

Celestia pulled herself out of her musings. “Arachnos is partly responsible for the reason I’m here today. May I introduce my sister, Luna, Princess of the Night and Moon, and the Guardian of Dreams?” Celestia motioned for the younger Alicorn to come into the room, and Luna did, a bit hesitantly. “Luna’s been away for a bit, but I’m happy to announce that my sister has returned! I wanted to show her what I’ve been up to in her absence. The school is one of my greatest prides and joys, and I expect you all to make her feel welcome.” The last sentence was said with a meaningful glance at the rest of the staff. They nodded.

Celestia gave her sister the grand tour before ending it in the basement. She felt a slight shaking through her hooves. “Uh, oh.” The lights were flickering, never a good sign.

Celestia threw open the door to my office and her jaw dropped. I was levitating and slamming back and forth between the front and back of the room. Luckily, there weren’t any potions I was in danger of knocking down and accidentally mixing.

“ARACHNOS, STOP HURTING YOURSELF! … I should put that on a t-shirt,” Celestia grumbled.

“Not in control of it, one second!” I called. “Hi, Lune-bug!”

I dropped to the floor a minute later, miniature books flying around my head making tweeting noises. “Ow, ow, ow…”

“What happened?” Celestia asked.

“Anxiety attack won. I just … I’ll be OK, just give me a moment… Luckily, after more than 20 years working with them, I can trust my coworkers to not disclose who and what I am. They’re … good ponies.”

“I only hire good creatures,” Celestia said in an attempt to reassure me.

“Hmph. I don’t think I qualify as ‘good.’”

“Come, now Arachnos, how bad could you-?”

Celestia’s eyes widened at the sight before her. The Ram himself was sitting in my office, giving her a glare.

Seemingly out of hammerspace, Celestia whipped out a spider amulet, which crumbled to dust.

Grogar’s glare increased. Again, using my own holy symbol against me is just going to annoy me at best…

“He sounds like Arachnos…” Celestia said.

I am Arachnos! I said, holding up my red right forehoof and wiggling the fingers ominously. Though if you want to be linear about it, Arachnos is me since I wore that mask first on this world. But yes, I still hold the title of “most evil being to walk the world,” since I brought evil with me when I came to this universe.

“Why would you … why?”

I shrugged. Ponies were not always as harmonious as they are now. There is no way the Three Tribes would have united on their own. But, if you give them a horrific threat to unite against… I let that hang. It did wonders for helping you to realize you are all ponies, at the end of the day. If it helps, the stories of Grogar’s evil are exaggerated, often by me when I was Grogar, but I was definitely evil. And quite good at it, actually. That worries me… I have to live with what I did forever. You don’t. I am what parents use to frighten their children into good behavior, I finished with a strained grin that looked especially scary on the face of this world’s version of the devil.

I shifted back into Maroon. “So being able to remember what I did in crystal clarity no matter how long it has been, I can’t think of myself as ‘good.’ I hope I’m not evil, but I am definitely a shade of grey. I am not fit to judge myself; I dislike myself too much.”

I turned to Luna. “Hello, Lune-Bug,” I said with a smile. “With Celestia’s permission, I have been masquerading as the Potions Professor at her school.”

“You’ve been the Potions Professor. Or do I need to take back the salary I’ve been paying you?” Celestia said with a teasing grin. “Weaver knows you don’t need it. Oh. It’s strange to say that phrase to your face.”

“I’m used to it. Thank you.”

“You … haven’t done anything like that since you’ve been Grogar?”

“… It’s a big enough universe. I’ve absolutely had to do things I’m not proud of to keep some worlds spinning. Or … stop some worlds spinning. Though I haven’t killed nearly as many creatures as I let everyone think I have. But being the monster in the dark works better on some worlds than being the angel. I try to avoid it though unless it’s time for a last resort.”

“One of the reasons you took this job is you knew Dusk would be a student and would one day be a wielder of one of the Elements,” Celestia said. It wasn’t remotely a question. I nodded. She sighed. “Your lack of ethics in manipulating a foal for your own ends, noble as they were, aside, you should tell Dusk and Spike who and what you really are. And sooner rather than later. They deserve to know. And I certainly used him for my own ends as well…”

“All right. But I won’t enjoy it, and they will likely enjoy it even less, even if I’m nice about it. You know how I get about it. I also refuse to do it today; I left a whole load of laundry in the wash at home and my mane needs cleaning.”

Celestia chuckled at that. “All right, Arachnos. Just do it this year, all right? I know that’s a rush order for you…” I nodded at her order.

“Nice to see you, Luna, I hope to see more of you in the near future.” Luna worked out the meaning and nodded. With that, the two Alicorns left me to continue their day and their tour.

The next day I got a letter from Celestia.

My Dear Friend,

I understand what you have told me of your time as Grogar, and your reasons were logical, though your actions were extreme. Looking back on what I know of that time, I can absolutely believe you wore Grogar as a “mask” as you always put it.

I … am not comfortable thinking of … Him existing. As you put it, it has been three thousand years and yet most ponies are still afraid to even speak the name Grogar.

I suppose I could use a bit of reassurance that the Ram is dead.

Yours,

Celestia

I sighed and quickly wrote back.

Celestia,

It is not a time I enjoy thinking about, let alone speaking of. It was quite easy for … me to conquer the fledgling nations that would one day become Equestria. I am capable of feats of magic and evil most ponies can’t conceive of.

I was absolutely a tyrant. I wanted to make certain that it was known that Grogar was a Dark Lord and a threat to all of Equestria. I caused as much misery and suffering as my conscience would allow. I created monsters that I remain proud of to this day, and it has been much longer than a mere three thousand years for me since I last wore that face. I let them loose upon an unprepared world.

The sun rarely shown in those days, and there were shortages of food. The Three Tribes continued their pointless infighting, even as some of them starved.

And yet … sometimes a farmer would find his crops unexpectedly bountiful. Or a village would discover an ore that had not existed there the previous day. I worked in secret to undo my own work while maintaining my image as pure evil.

I invented necromancy, which on Equus is considered extremely taboo. I actually have a degree in it from a planet where it is not a forbidden form of magic. Necromancy itself is not evil, merely what you do with it. As Grogar, I would raise the dead of an army to make the corpses fight their former comrades, which is absolutely an act of evil.

I have killed, but never in my time as Grogar. I would simply imprison, curse, or transform my enemies instead. I always dealt non-lethal blows, seeking to disable, not destroy. It amuses me to remember the number of failed assassination attempts and attempts to overthrow me, until Gusty the Great came along. You know what happened from there.

Yet even that was not enough, and eventually I created the Windigos and unleased them. Despite what Ponies think of them, they are not actually evil. They merely feed on hatred and other negative emotions in order to reduce them. They do freeze their food, but you refrigerate a cake to keep it fresh for the same reason. They’re actually an endangered species these days…

The peace and harmony that unified Equestria has enjoyed the past two thousand years can be attributed to my actions, which were purely motivated by an attempt to unite Ponykind. A common enemy seemed to be the best thing to cause them to unite against. I cannot say it was worth it, or that the ends justified the means. But that is why I did what I did. I caused stories of my acts of evil to be exaggerated, to become the monster lurking in the dark all Ponies would fear.

In truth, I cannot tell you that Grogar is dead. He is writing this letter. He is a part of me, and he never “died,” he merely was not needed anymore. He is one of the darker parts of my psyche, and I truthfully enjoyed being feared and hated at the time. I always figured I would make a better villain than hero, and sadly, I was correct.

These days, I do not enjoy being feared or hated, and I look back on what I did with hatred for myself. I know that if I needed to, or if I wanted to, I could likely do it again. Or even worse acts.

Yet I genuinely do not believe that Grogar will be needed again. I enjoy scaring others, but not hurting them.

Forgive the long-winded explanation, but it is a lot to unwrap. I do not know how this will change your opinion of me, but I know it will. If you hate Grogar, you hate me. If you like me, you like the parts of Grogar that silently helped. We are not different people, I am me.

Yours,

Arachnos the Weaver of Creation

AKA

Grogar the Terrible, Father of Monsters.

I sighed and sent it off using my own version of Dragon-fire, not expecting a reply right away. It understandably took Celestia some time to process my revelation. Yet I hadn’t been forbidden from my visits with Luna, which Celestia clearly knew about.

When the Solar Princess finally did invite me back for a quick lunch, she didn’t bring it up, and she didn’t treat me any differently. She actually spent most of the lunch allowing me to carefully read Dusk’s multitude of letters detailing his adventures. I laughed uproariously at most of them.

Celestia seemed to be quietly letting me know that she accepted me, all of me. For that I was grateful.

As I walked through the gardens, a voice interrupted my thoughts. Literally, as it was being relayed telepathically.

So, Luna’s back now.

Yes, I mentally replied back.

Hmph. Well … I suppose that’s all right. She was always more fun the Celestia. I responded with a flash of agreement, not wanting to use words. Of course, it means another Alicorn could try and stop me. And I felt those blasted Elements bond to new ponies as well…

They do have new Bearers, yes. I don’t think Celestia or Luna will face you unless you force them.

And you?

I sighed. I won’t step in unless it’s absolutely necessary for me to do so. But if I have to, I will. Don’t make me fight you, Discord.

Why? We’d tear the planet apart?

Yes, but I don’t want to fight you. I would rather let you “win” if you thought it would make you happy for a bit. Despite what you think, you tearing Equestria apart won’t make you genuinely happy. And I do love you more than the Ponies. They are descendants of my creations, and in some cases friends, but you are my favorite son.

I actually preferred speaking without using my mouth, but the problem with telepathy is that emotions can leak through no matter how careful you are. Discord’s surprise flooded my mind. He managed to close it off.

A thousand years in stone is a very funny way of showing it…

Even locked out of Equestria, I could have killed you, Discord. A brief mental flash of snow and ink-black blood before I yanked the thought back.. But I knew that this would be punishment enough. It’s almost over.

Yes. I can feel my bonds. They’re nearly broken. You won’t stop me?

I pray I won’t have to try. I sent Discord something he had missed more than he would let on, all of the sensory information I was experiencing just from being outside.

Mentally, Discord was trying not to cry at the feel of the sun on his fur, the sound of birdsong, the smell of the flowers and grass. He gave the mental equivalent of a sniffle. Thank you … for all the stories and gossip the last thousand years. It helped. But … I’ve been wanting to turn this place upside down for the last thousand years.

I chuckled. I’ll have some matches ready to pass you. Equestria could use a bit of shaking up. But want the consequences of what you want, Son. See you soon.

Discord accepted that.

I thought about what Celestia had told me, and decided to reveal myself to Spike first, since I had more of a connection with him than with Dusk. That way if Dusk had a, uh … huh. The fandom had correctly coined the phrase “Twilighting” for whenever Twilight Sparkle had had a panic attack, but “Dusking” didn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Anyway, that way if Dusk had a massive freakout, his two brothers would be in the know and could back me up.

Look out Ponyville, I’m coming back…

Despite the bit of unexpected gender-flipping, Dusk Shine was in fact a great deal like Twilight Sparkle. Neither of them could ever remotely be called a morning Pony, but they luckily both had a dragon slav-, er, “Number One Assistant” to help with the morning chores.

Spike was actually well-paid in comics, gems, and had a sizeable allowance, but it was definitely more of a servant’s relationship than a sibling’s, he often grumbled during his inner monologuing. Still, it was a beautiful morning out, and he’d really gotten to enjoy his new home’s daily farmer’s market, something that definitely hadn’t existed in Canterlot. Honestly, the food was just generally better here…

As he walked from stall to stall, Spike was only slightly surprised to hear bluegrass music from nearby. Spike joined the crowd of ponies and ducked and wove his way to the front. He was surprised to see a familiar Maroon Earth Pony on the banjo, fingers flying across the strings and eyes closed, lost in the music. When the song was done, the crowd cheered.

Spike was nervous upon seeing Maroon, he’d been sure that he’d caused a massive explosion in the professor’s house one day, even blowing a hole in the pony. But both the teacher and the living room were fine, so it must have been a dream…

Maroon waved to him and made his way over, Caramel Apple taking over his spot in the impromptu band. “That was … fun!” the Earth Pony said. “Hi, Spike. How are you?”

“I’m OK. What are you doing here? Sorry, that was rude,” Spike added quickly.

“No, it’s a valid question. I’m actually in town to speak to you.”

“You could have just called…”

I shrugged. “It’s actually not that far a distance for me, and this is something that needs to be done face to face. May I buy you brunch?” Spike’s eyes lit up at the bribe of food, and soon we were each munching on a breakfast burrito. Spike was amazed at the level of spice I could handle; he was the only creature he knew who could take that much…

“So,” I said, not sure where to begin… “You remember when you tried out a new spell in my living room and caused a small nuclear explosion?”

Spike nodded. “But that was just a dream, right?”

I shook my head. “No. You did blow quite the hole in my house and in me. Which is fine, I can easily repair both. Not sure how to say this … have you ever heard of Arachnos the Weaver?”

Spike nodded. “The creator of the universe and everything in it, according to Pony legends. Also, a jerk, from what I’ve read.”

“A-heh. … Uh. Soooooo…” I gave the young dragon a nervous grin. “I’m Arachnos. I’ve just been playing the part of Maroon Flask since a little before you were born.”

Spike started dying laughing. “You are NOT God! The universe isn’t that badly run!”

“Because I don’t actually run it, I just trim the worst parts out of existence…”

“Please, I didn’t think you were that full of yourself…”

I sighed. “Every time someone asks me to prove it, I wind up scarring them for life.” My eyes narrowed. “I am not doing something like tearing the planet apart and putting it back together, because no matter how careful I am, at least I will always be able to feel the cracks even if no one else can. It itches in my brain.” I racked my brain. “What’s your current favorite comic?”

“Uh, I’m really into Batmane?” Spike suggested.

I nodded. Spike watched in growing shock as I reached up and punched the air, and the air itself cracked. A glowing hole appeared where my hoof had connected. I reached into it and withdrew a single comic book issue, the portal quickly sealing up.

I passed the comic to Spike. His eyes widened at the issue. “Did you just … punch a hole in space and time to get me a comic issue that won’t be released for a month?”

I nodded and shrugged. “Try not to think about it too hard.”

“Uh, thanks,” Spike said. “That was … nice of you. Also, definitely beyond normal magic… I still don’t think that you’re Arachnos though…”

I chuckled. “Fair. What feat may I perform that will convince you that this is genuine and not a symptom of my insanity?”

Spike thought it over. “Bring my comic to life?” he asked with a hopeful grin.

“Nah, Unicorns can already do that. Besides, Batmane isn’t the most survivable comic world depending on the issue, and the current run is taking a pretty dark turn...”

“You read Batmane?!”

“Sir, I am a nerd, first class. Of course! OK, why don’t I do … this?” I asked with a grin.

Spike noticed the light changing through the windows of the diner. Cautiously he walked out, and his jaw dropped.

“Welcome to the Equestrian Capital on Mares,” I said cheerfully. “The Maretians initiated First Contact roughly a hundred years ago, and the citizens of Equus have slowly been moving to the new city in search of new opportunities.”

Spike stared at the crystal spires and lush vegetation of a planet he knew contained no life at all. He stepped back and bumped into something.

Spike glanced up to see my liontaur Draconequus from. I didn’t say anything, and kept my teeth hidden, but I did give a small friendly wave. Spike recognized the form as the thing that had had a sandwich with him the night of Nightmare Moon’s return. I snapped my fingers, and we were back in normal Ponyville. Well, as normally as Ponyville got…

The Doctor walked up to the Maroon Stallion he recognized, rubbing his temples. He chuckled. “I would appreciate it if in future you didn’t warp reality on that scale quite that close to me, Weyan’a, I can only keep so many conflicting histories in my head at once.”

Apologies, Doctor. Just proving who I am to a friend.

The Doctor glanced at Spike and chuckled. “My sympathies. Weyan’a is … interesting. And sometimes dangerous to be around but … he usually means well.”

“Way Ann a?” Spike asked in confusion.

The Doctor chuckled. “In the language of my people, it means ‘He Who Fashioned Starlight. It is one of our titles for the Weaver.” The Doctor glanced at me. “There’s really no way to get them back?”

I sighed. “There is, actually, and it would be stupidly easy, if not for the way they wiped themselves out. I’d just need a bit of stasis art, but since they never existed, that’s all gone as well. The last time I checked, I don’t have a friend who lives outside of time and who would collect something like frozen moments. I’m so very sorry, Doctor.”

The Doctor nodded, having anticipated such a reply. “Still, at least I’m here, and for that I am … usually grateful,” he said with a sad smile. “It’s nice to see you again Spike, I hope you’ll like living here.” He chuckled. “This town is bonkers at times, no doubt due to him,” he said, pointing at me. I could tell he meant it teasingly. “A good day to you both!” the Doctor wished us before trotting off.

Spike glanced at the retreating stallion. “Is he an alien?”

I chuckled. “Well from his and my perspective you’re all the aliens… Oh! I have three gifts for you.” I held out a slip of paper. “My cell phone number, if you ever need or want to text, though I can certainly chatter on a bit.” With growing horror Spike watched me pull out one of my teeth. It shifted into something resembling a shark’s tooth. I quickly performed a very complicated spell, binding myself to Spike as a glowing circle of rainbow runes surrounded the tooth before it and the tooth disappeared. “Neither me nor any of my children will be able to physically harm you now. Though there are other ways to injure that spell didn’t cover…” I pulled out a very old piece of parchment. “Lastly, and with great regret…”

Spike glanced at what appeared to be a very complex summoning ritual. “Please burn that the minute you’ve memorized it.” He saw the venom in my gaze at the page. “That’s the summoning spell Midas used to trap me. Yes, that Midas. It creates a summoning circle that forcibly yanks me into it and then traps me there until you give me permission to leave. Even your death wouldn’t free me. I destroyed all of Midas’s work on it, but it has since been recreated on other worlds, so I’ve had to learn to live with it. I react … badly to it being used, so please only use it in an emergency. Also, maybe don’t give it to Dusk just yet… I trust you to use it better than him…”

Spike nodded. “Uh. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Ever.” Spike shivered at my tone. I sighed. “Sorry. I just … don’t like creatures knowing who and what I am. It … causes issues for them and for me. If you are willing, I would be happy to continue to teach you more about Dragons and Sparksouls.”

“Explains how you know so much about them.”

I nodded. “I have some rather good memories in the Dragonlands. Despite what Ponies think, Dragons really aren’t very bad at all, just a bit rough around the edges.”

Spike gave me something almost resembling puppy eyes. “Could … you maybe find out who my parents were and why I wound up in Equestria?”

I chuckled. “You’re surprisingly good at that for being a reptile. … I’ll do what I can… No promises, I don’t like making them.”

Spike nodded, accepting that. I vanished before he could say anything else.

Spike spent his free time the next day examining the spell I’d given him. He was surprised to find that parts had been crossed out and re-written in small block print with annotations and comments. “Did he … correct a spell he hates?” Spike got out a magnifying glass and squinted through it. He knew enough about magic to realized … “He made it more efficient… Why?”

While it absolutely had parental controls turned on, Spike had proven himself responsible enough to have his own phone, and his family was grateful for that in case of an emergency. “Weird area code…” the young Dragon muttered as he punched in my number to his contact list.

He sent an experimental

Hey.

What you miss me already? Has it even been 12 hours yet? It’s hard to tell…

About 15.

Oh, well that’s alright then. :P

XD.

What do I call you?

Maroon? Arachnos?

Eh, it’s a big enough universe and I have a lot of names across it. As long as I know you’re not being purposefully insulting, it doesn’t really matter to me, the faces and the names are all me at the end of the day.

Faces?

Oh, yeah. I call them “Masks” although they’re more of a full-body costume I wear to blend in.

Spike was sent a series of slightly blurry selfies. Maroon, Arachnos, a grey Minotaur with starry eyes and gold horns in a red toga giving him a peace sign with his tongue sticking out. Spike had never seen a minotaur with fangs, though he looked more goofy than scary.

Sometimes I pick them, sometimes the culture I’m trying to interact with does. I’m a very weird goat on one planet actually, named Loki. That form wasn’t my choice at all. Oh! If you’d been raised in the Dragonlands, this is what I’d look like when interacting with you!

There was a suspiciously long pause.

You OK?

Yeah. I just … forgot how small the room I was in is, kind of broke it and wound up hitting my heads. Also crushed my phone. I’m fine now, and everything’s fixed. Here’s an image from an old book, since I wouldn’t have been able to fit in the frame anyway.

With a ping, a photo of a yellowed manuscript page showed Spike an ancient illustration of a five-headed dragon the size of a mountain. It was spitting fire, lightning, darkness, and ice at a cowering group of ponies.

For the record, that never happened! It’s a book on dragons written by ponies in a more prejudiced era.

Spike had a very basic grasp of Olde Ponish, though nowhere near on his brothers’ level. He squinted at the name at the bottom of the page. “Kal’ez … I can’t begin to pronounce that…”

So, you’ve always been a god?

What? Oh, good grief no! I … here…

Spike had not a clue what he was looking at. Another Minotaur? No, the head was all wrong.

Uh. Why did you send me a shaved monkey in a t-shirt and glasses?

Very faintly as though it were coming from the next room and underwater, Spike heard someone laugh so hard they began to wheeze and choke before they suddenly stopped. He could have sworn the sun shone a bit brighter for a few seconds.

That’s the body I was born with and died in. It’s called a human.

YOU’RE DEAD?!!

Nyes. It’s … complicated.

I was a very boring, unremarkable person before I died and found myself in what would be your universe.

Got granted God-LIKE power, but I am FAR from an actual god. I would hope gods are more mentally stable than I…

I’m basically just a very powerful immortal reality warper. Not a god. Huge difference, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I have shamelessly pretended to be a god at times to make things less complicated.

I am not all-powerful, I have eons of knowledge, but I’m not all-knowing. I can be killed, though I always come back. …Eventually. As the spell I gave you shows, it’s even possible to trap me against my will, though it is difficult. Definitely beyond your average Unicorn’s capabilities.

Sorry… Must be running up a heck of a texting bill. Would snail-mail work better? I can still send it instantly, a bit like Dragon-fire mail.

Probably.

A scroll appeared in a flash of rainbow fire. In neat block print were the words:

Did it work? Just write your answer and I’ll see it.

Spike grabbed a quill and scrawled, Yeah, I see it.

The ink faded before my reply faded in. Great! You can keep the scroll. It’s a bit slower, but it’s free… Can’t do pictures though… Any other questions?

What do you look like without a mask?

It’s not something you can see with physical eyes, and it would scare you if you could…

Oh.

Uh. Weird question, I know you’re not a God now, but … is there an afterlife?

Actually, yes! I’ve done a bit of necromancy to talk to people who have crossed over. I’ve never seen it myself, but I’ve been assured that it’s a very nice afterlife.

You … you do NECROMANCY?!

It’s not taboo everywhere!

Spike could read the annoyed growl in between the line of text.

Yes, I do necromancy. Mostly use it to talk to the dead, but I have absolutely raised undead minions and other evil stuff with it. It’s really just another branch of magic, no more good or evil than what you do with it. I consider it a form of true recycling. Beats being fungus food…

IDK what to even think of that…

Talk to me after Apple Bloom’s fourth rabbit dies… Spoilers!

Uh …

Oh, is there a Hell?

Hell is something you carry around with you, not a place you go, and you make your own Hell brick by brick. You’re fine. 😊 Oh, am I holding you up?

Spike sighed.

Yeah, I’m supposed to be reorganizing the shelves. Third time this week.

There was a flash of magic, and the bookshelves were all organized perfectly according to Dusk’s preferred system.

TTYL!

Spike spent a few moments chuckling at that. The scroll then gave a light ping sound as one more message faded into existence.

Oh! Sorry, don’t mean to give you extra homework but if you are willing to, could I hear your version of the adventures and misadventures you and your friends get up to? It doesn’t have to be every week or every adventure, just whenever you’re able and willing. I’m just very interested in your side of the stories.

Spike thought it over.

OK. Why me?

I like you. You’re smarter than you know, with some of the common sense Dusk and I lack. Dusk needs you more than he knows.

Spike was touched by that. He then came to a realization.

I’m one of the only friends you have, aren’t I?

There was another pause.

Ha. Yes. I am … difficult to get along with. I’m a taker, though I prefer to give, and my personality doesn't win many popularity contests. So, for me to have a genuine friend, somecreature who can see past me to me is … a rare and special gift. And if he likes Ogres and Oubliettes, that’s just icing on the cake.

Spike chuckled at that.

You’re not as bad as you think you are. And don’t say, “If you knew the real me.” I do. You hide him, but … he’s actually a pretty good not-pony.

…

Thank you. Better let you go…

Spike carefully folded the scroll up for future use.

I was in the Canterlot marketplace trying and failing to avoid being stepped on. I didn’t like crowds, they gave me panic attacks at the best of times. Unfortunately, my magically conjured supplies didn’t always satisfy me, which meant I had to go outside.

“Excuse me, I-” *WHAP. “Please just let me-” *SMACK. “Hey, why don’t you watch where you’re-” *WHAM.

I inhaled deeply. MOVE!!!

With a sound of screeching breaks, the crowd ground to a halt, a walkway parting through the sea of bodies.

I sighed. Thank you… I trotted through the crowd of staring ponies, eyes fixed firmly on the sidewalk as I ground my teeth.

A familiar voice broke me out of my thoughts. “Wow. Can you teach me that power?”

I glanced up to see the Captain of the Royal Guard grinning at me.

I chuckled. “Not really, no. It’s pretty unethical for me to use it, actually. I just hate crowds.” Shinning nodded. “How are you and your loved ones?”

“Oh.” Shining sighed. “Actually, Cadence and I are…” He didn’t finish the sentence.

“Are what?”

Shining sighed again. “I just don’t know if she loves me or not,” he huffed.

“Oy, vey… Kid, you two are in frankly dangerous amounts of love. Love that’s strong enough to fight monsters.”

“Then why doesn’t she ever have time for me anymore? Her last few texts felt like somepony else wrote them!”

“She’s young, but she is a Princess, that’s like two full-time jobs. Shining, I swear, she loves you more than can be put into words. Don’t let a lapse in communication mess up a great relationship!”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t feel great lately…”

Teenagers… I’m surrounded by teenagers! I grumbled. I then sighed. I’m very sorry…

“You didn’t do anything.”

The horrified screams made Shining turn and look, and his jaw dropped when he saw what I’d turned into. I was apologizing in advance… I lunged.

Cadence was silently praying this meeting would end before she had to do something like jump out the window.

A plume of rainbow smoke flew in the window and a scroll appeared in her hoof. It was a message made out of cut and pasted magazine letters.

“I have something of yours. If you want him back, come and find me in Central Park.

“Do not involve the Royal Guard or I will react badly.

“You cannot find us.

“You cannot trace us.

“Respectfully yours,

“Arachnos.”

“Wait, what?” A lock of cyan-colored mane fell out of the scroll. Cadence knew the scent of that conditioner anywhere.

To the assembled advisor’s shock, the young Princess forcibly tore a nearby spear off the wall and swan dived out the window, her wings catching her at the last second as she sped towards the park.

There was a shimmer in the air near all around the edge of the park, like a heatwave. Cadence noticed the crowd and the concerned guardsstallions.

“What’s going on?”

“Everypony was just teleported out of the park, and then this barrier happened. We can’t get through!”

Come on in, the water’s great! a voice called, seeming to address Cadence directly.

Cadence stepped towards the main entrance of the park. She could pass through the barrier with no issue … and stepped into a blizzard. She shivered at the sudden temperature change. Dark clouds prevented any sunlight from reaching the ground.

Cadence was especially sensitive to other ponies’ emotions, and there was a pervasive sorrow in the air that made her shiver as much as the storm.

“I’m here!” the Princess of Love shouted at the storm. The only response was the wind. Cadence set out into the howling storm.

As she walked, Cadence spotted sculptures that hadn’t been there the day before. Some were made of ice; some were made of a strange black crystal. The sculptures were of couples, mostly ponies, but some combinations of other species. There was even a griffon throuple. All of the creatures were in poses of happiness and delight.

Cadence had to genuinely admire the artistry, though she had no idea why they were there.

As she got to the center of the park, she heard voices.

“Why are you doing this?”

Maybe I’m trying to help you in a very twisted way. Maybe I’m just jealous. Or perhaps it’s just Tuesday and I’m bored. Ah, company…

The voice sent shivers down Cadence’s spine. She found what she was looking for. Shining Armor was strapped to a table in … was that a Rube Goldberg Death Machine? Seriously? All she had to do was … Cadence kicked a chute out of the way that would hopefully stop the entire process.

She then spotted what had done this.

Arachnos. Well, he was as terrifying to look at as the stories she’d heard said. Why would he foalnap the Captain of the Royal Guard? Everything Cadence had heard said that Arachnos was more or less an ally of Equestria.

Cadence blinked and he was gone. Behind you, that horrible voice said softly, almost like he was trying to not spook her.

Cadence whirled around and brandished the spear.

Arachnos’s mouth full of shark teeth were on full display. It almost looked like a smile, but he was clearly baring his teeth. His eyes were inky black voids.

He was effortlessly hovering without using his wings, slowly circling her. She wasn’t sure if it was to intimidate her or to make him a moving target.

Sorry about this, just got an urge to do a bit of villainy.

“Give him back,” Cadence snarled.

This time Arachnos was actually smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement. Do you own him?

“Give. Him. Back.”

Why?

“He’s … very important to me…”

Don’t lie to my face. Say those words, Princess of Love…

Cadence snarled and charged. In a blur, Arachnos reached down and grabbed the spear, driving it through his neck.

He laughed. You can’t kill me, but I can turn you inside out with a snap of my fingers… He brought one of his paws up in a pre-snapping gesture to emphasize the point.

Cadence was very good at reading ponies. Under the bared teeth and intimidation, Arachnos was … afraid of her? It was subtle, but it was there. He just stared at her, daring her to move.

Cadence bowed her head. “Please,” she whispered.

Arachnos chuckled. He then clutched his sides and began to howl with laughter. Blood began to stream from the eyes in his face and wings and Cadence was worried he was suffering from a ruptured artery before she realized he was just laughing so hard he was crying. He laughed like this was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

He then drew the spear out of his neck and turned to address Shining. She came to rescue you by fighting me with a sharp stick. Only love makes you that crazy, and that damn stupid. Still, worse to have never loved at all. Arachnos turned back to Cadence with a much friendlier grin. Nicely done. Good work stopping the death trap, too! Next time, please just talk to each other before you get me involved…

“Wait, what?!” Cadence shouted.

Arachnos snapped his fingers.

Cadence was sitting in a café with Shining and … Maroon Flask? Why was she with a teacher? Correction, being treated to lunch by a random, very scary teacher.

Maroon took a sip of his tea and glanced at her. In Arachnos’s voice, he said, I know it hurts you, and I’m sorry, but would you mind taking a proper look at my aura? And try widening your view a bit this time…

Cadence squinted. It was painful, a negative aura, like a black hole. That meant the pony was pure evil. What did “Widen your view” mean?

Cadence expanded her senses a bit and gasped. She’d only been seeing part of it. It was huge! And it was … twisted around in on itself, like it was in the fetal position. Cadence couldn’t even see the edges of it, it took up her entire field of view. It was a horrible, twisted thing, turned in and collapsing on itself. It was like some huge monster digging its claws into itself as it gave itself a hug.

Cadence understood.

She walked over and slapped Maroon. Shining’s jaw dropped. Cadence wrung some life back into her hoof. “That is for foalnapping Shinning because he apparently needs reassurance I love him,” she said with a growl at Shinning who shrank in his seat. Cadence then wrapped Maroon in a tight hug. Maroon’s jaw dropped this time. “And this is for my not understanding. You’re not evil, you’re just in pain. Who hurt you?”

Maroon chuckled. It was a long time ago. I should be over it by now, but I’m not. Uh, thank you. You slap a lot nicer than my mother did… and there goes my mouth again… Uh… Maroon just disappeared.

Cadence’s jaw dropped.

Shining sighed. “He does that. He runs away from confrontation, even though it’s mostly just with himself. And now you know, Maroon Flask is actually Arachnos the Weaver. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t think the fact you got him to foalnap you means you’re getting out of this,” Cadence said as she folded her forelegs and glared. “I’m much worse than he is…”

Shining swallowed, accepting his fate.

I was surprised that Spike did indeed occasionally write me about the shenanigans the Mane Six got up to. It wasn’t as regular as Dusk’s letters to Celestia, but he was rather busy, and unlike Dusk they weren’t required. I loved reading his exploits of rescuing Elusive from the Diamond Dogs, only to discover the stallion had things well in hoof. Spike absolutely embellished one or ten details, but it was like reading an epic poem in letter form. I liked Diamond Dogs, I made a note to go check up on them … while carefully avoiding taking physical form. My Mask for Diamond Dogs tended to spook the poor canines. In their mythology, I was a fairly demonic housecat…

I usually wound up dying laughing at the young Dragon’s version of events, and Celestia enjoyed “comparing notes” with me.

To correlate to the show, it was roughly Season One, and while events didn’t happen in the exact order the episodes had aired, events were almost identical.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were terrorizing Ponyville with their infectious enthusiasm, and Ponyville had been nearly devoured by a swarm of Parasprites. The Great and Powerful Trixie had accidentally unleashed an Ursa Minor on the town before fleeing in disgrace. Poor Butterscotch nearly had heart failure when he thought he’d killed Philomena. Speaking from centuries of experience, that bird was a menace…

Right. One last member of the family to reveal myself to…

“Uh, I get you want to apologize, but did the rest of us need to come with you?” Rainbow Blitz asked.

Dusk rolled his eyes. “I feel like we all owe Zecora our apologies for, well, being racist, if I have to be honest,” he sighed. He brightened up. “Besides, I have so many questions for her!”

“No, I get that, but did we really need to come into the Everfree with you?” Rainbow said, definitely not looking nervous. “I don’t get why anycreature would choose to live here…”

“Apparently there are lots of rare reagents that can only be found in the Everfree!” Dusk said with an excited grin. “My old potions professor would love it here!”

“Would he also love the monsters?” Elusive asked with a slightly snarky tone.

Dusk’s brow furrowed. “Actually, yes, he would. The Everfree is exactly the kind of biome Professor Flask would design if he could…”

Bubble Berry let out a scream.

Dusk whirled around. “What is it?!”

Bubble just pointed. Dusk turned and looked.

He’d never seen anything like that before!

Its lower half was a lion, the upper half was a bit like a white-furred Minotaur with six arms and four large black and white wings full of extra eyes. It’s head was vaguely goat-like with a mouth of razor sharp teeth and large fangs sticking out the sides. It had 3 horns, two of which were long, black, and curved back, and the third in the center of its forehead was white, grew at sharp angles, and was riddled with holes that made it look diseased. Its eyes were a slowly moving view of space.

It was digging its claws into one of its arms hard enough to draw golden glowing blood, and its expression was severely distressed.

With a yell, Applejack charged forwards to defend his friends, leaping up to kick the monster in the chest. It disappeared in less than a second. Applejack yelled as he went sailing through the empty space where it had been, until his motion was gently halted and he was set on the ground.

Applejack turned around. The creature had its wings expanded to make itself look bigger, but its expression was terrified.

“Yer fast,” Applejack commented.

“Not as fast as me!” Rainbow shouted, coming in for a death blow.

The creature turned.

A portal opened in Rainbow’s way, which he flew through. “What the – Hey!”

The creature moved the portals it had conjured so that they were vertically oriented instead of horizontally in a space off to the side. That cyan blur endlessly falling through them must have been Rainbow… Dusk calculated quickly and realized that the Pegasus was falling at twice his terminal velocity, which shouldn’t have been physically possible…

The creature could do magic, and casually violate the laws of physics without breaking a sweat. That was definitely reason to stop attacking it. Especially since all it had done was approach them.

“Um. Excuse me?” a voice called softly.

The creature turned with a loud snarl to see Butterscotch. The yellow Pegasus was gently hovering near chest height of the monster, trying to make himself look as small and nonthreatening as possible, something Butterscotch had a lot of practice at.

The creature’s head tilted to the right in apparent confusion. It closed all of its eyes and just spent a few moments breathing, trying to bring itself out of fight or flight. There was a flash of dark light and Rainbow was safely on the ground, his eyes rolling together from dizziness.

Slowly, carefully, Butterscotch crept forward an inch at a time. His outstretched fingers made contact with the monster’s chest.

Its eyes shot open, and it let out a snarling shout at the physical contact. Apparently, it did not like to be unexpectedly touched.

To the group’s surprise Butterscotch held his ground. “I’m sorry,” the Pegasus whispered. Butterscotch didn’t seem to be apologizing for the touching, or even for his friend’s actions. He was apologizing for something about the creature his instincts had picked up on.

He slowly began to pet the creature.

It blinked. Wurf? It was surprised but didn’t object to Butterscotch’s actions.

Butterscotch continued to pet it. It began to let out a deep, rumbling purr. It bent down and gently began to bat Butterscotch with its head, letting out a needy sounding whine, taking care to not poke the Pegasus with its horns.

Butterscotch chuckled and began to scratch behind its ears. “Who’s a good boy?” he cooed.

The creature looked up at him with a confused expression. Merp? it asked.

Butterscotch chuckled and booped the monster. “You are!” the Pegasus proclaimed.

A few drops of red blood poured from the corner of its eyes, and it gave Butterscotch a surprised, grateful smile. It brought a paw up and gently stroked Butterscotch’s check letting out another purr. Merf, it said gladly. It then disappeared.

“What the hay?” Rainbow Blitz asked.

Butterscotch gave a small shrug. “He didn’t seem evil, just scared. We attacked him, not the other way around. Besides, he didn’t actually hurt us…”

“Uh, how do you know it’s a ‘he?’”

“Just a guess. There actually wasn’t anything between his legs.”

“You check that?” Rainbow asked in surprise.

“Habit from working with scared or injured animals.”

The group made their way to Zecora’s cottage. Inside they saw a recently used tea set and a second mug. The mug was extra-extra-large with a spider and skull pattern. Butterscotch knew enough about tea to tell that it was an anxiety reducing blend. At triple strength.

Zecora smiled at the group of stallions. “Ah, hello my friends! I’m glad your fear of me is at an end. I have to say, it’s a delight to have company twice in one day!”

Dusk nodded. “I know you can handle yourself, Zecora, but you should probably be careful the next few days…”

“Oh? What reason have I to fear? Some new creature to my home draws near?”

Dusk nodded again. “Actually, yes. I’ve never seen anything like it… Him. He’s part lion, part minotaur, part … something. He’s huge! He’s got the nastiest teeth I’ve ever seen, and red paws on the right side of his body. Three of them!” Zecora chuckled. “What’s funny?”

“Ah, it seems you are not a believer, that was an old friend, Arachnos the Weaver. He drops by sometimes to check up on me, and always loves to share a good cup of tea.”

“Wait. That thing can talk?!” Rainbow said with astonishment.

Zecora gave him a teasing grin. “Quite well, though sometimes the words get stuck. His mind is cruel to him and gives him bad luck. He built my house for free as a gift, as I live on his land, and often work the night shift.”

“His land?” Dusk asked.

Zecora nodded. “The Everfree is his retreat, a place like his home, though it has more monsters than he can fit in one tome. A place with no Ponies to say what should be, where nature can roam, wild and free. He built it to relax, as well as to hide. Some things in this place should remain locked inside…”

Zecora continued. “When I was a child, I crossed the wide sea, and the Spider God in disguise did travel with me. In Farasi we practice magic of which Ponies do not approve, but with his guidance, my skills did improve.”

“What kind of magic?” Dusk asked, curiosity overtaking fear.

Zecora held up a dead rat. In a flash of green fire, its flesh quickly vanished, and the skeleton sat up and scurried away. “Ponies dislike the revival of the dead, but in Farasi, it has prevented bloodshed. Magic is not black or white, it is what you do with the knowledge that becomes wrong or right.”

Zecora gave Dusk a piercing look. “He wishes to speak with you, young one. He has much to discuss, and you will learn much when he’s done. His appearance is frightening, but then, so is mine, treat him with kindness, and you shall be fine. Listen to him, and teach him in turn, of your future, he has great concern. As an ally, you can have no one more outstanding, though Arachnos can often cause a misunderstanding. His mind is unlike ours; he thinks in strange terms, yet it is because of him our universe turns. He will be waiting nearby to have a chat, if it helps, imagine you are speaking to a large cat.” Zecora nodded towards the door. “I will keep your friends safe until you come back, please help him down from his panic attack.”

Rainbow blinked. “Do you like have these all pre-written on flash cards or something?”

Zecora merely chuckled at that.

“How do I find him?”

Zecora grinned. “Follow the snow, and you’ll see where to go…”

“Snow?”

Zecora pointed out the door.

Dusk hesitantly stepped out. He wandered for a bit, not seeing anything resembling airborne frozen water. Eventually he saw a single flake drift by. Dusk glanced down and saw a peacock spider in his path. The spider waved its forelegs a few times with some urgency. Either it was trying to get his attention, it was doing a mating dance, or it was having a very small single-spider rave. Dusk decided it was the former.

The spider scuttled a few feet away and turned back to look at Dusk expectantly. Dusk followed it managing to give the much smaller creature a decent enough lead to show him where it was taking him.

As Dusk followed the colorful arachnid, more and more snow began to blow through the air as the temperature dropped noticeably. The journey ended in front of the entrance to a grove. The spider stopped and waited.

“In there?” Dusk asked, feeling silly.

To his surprise, the spider nodded.

Dusk chuckled. “Um. Thank you,” he said. The spider seemed to beam.

As Dusk entered, he heard singing. It was a fairly nice baritone voice, though it had an odd echoing reverb.

I'm sick of hurting, sick of thinking it's all I do
I break those around me, those spared are very few
But the bright sun is burning, and my sky shines ever blue
Friendships surround me, I'm becoming a part of you
I try my best to block out the screams
But they're haunting me in my dreams
Please break my shackles, I want it to stop.

I've stoked the fire, seen more pain than you can know
The tears of the broken have washed away my soul
Pushed by desire to change the way my stream will flow
Now I've awoken, and I'm taking back control
I try my best to block out the screams
But they're haunting me in my dreams
Please break my shackles, I want it to stop.

The clearing was full of snow, and … lions? No, that was a cheetah and a tiger… It looked like a big cat snow day. And there was the creature that Dusk’s friends had attacked.

He gave Dusk a small wave with his red right paw. Hey.

Dusk cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. “I’m an agnostic, but should I bow down or something?”

I’d really rather you didn’t… And I’m not a God, so my being understandable does not invalidate your agnosticism, Arachnos said with a smile, keeping his teeth hidden. If I ever meet a God and survive the experience, I’ll let you know. I’m just the oldest and most powerful thing in the universe. There’s a big difference, but not from everycreature else’s perspective. Arachnos gave the unicorn what was meant to be a friendly grin, but with those teeth it was terrifying. Heh. You’re all grown up. It seems like the day before yesterday you hatched Spike, and yesterday you were the insufferable know-it-all who thought my class was a waste of time.

“Your class?” Dusk said, not understanding.

Ah. Let me slip into something less comfortable… Dusk watched in amazement as Arachnos shrank into…

“Professor Flask?!”

The red stallion gave him another wave. Yes, and I’m also Arachnos. As Celestia said, I can change faces on a whim, but I only really know how to be myself. A worried look crossed his face. I actually started teaching purely because I knew you would one day be a student. I’ve been waiting for you to be born for a long, long time. Luna is … an old friend, and I hoped that you and your friends would one day be the new Bearers of the Elements. So … I … essentially manipulated you down that path, from the sidelines as one of your teachers. I didn’t do much, and I found that I enjoy teaching, but I need to ask your forgiveness.

“Why didn’t you just bring Princess Luna back yourself?”

Maroon chuckled. I’m not all-powerful, and the Elements have sealed away someone I love even more than her. My going against them … ends badly, as they are now tied to the very fabric of this world. And I’m fairly generous, I love making others laugh, I am kind rather than good or nice, I’m loyal to a fault, I am … terminally honest, and I invented magic, yet my mind cannot exist in harmony with itself to answer why I don’t just wield them myself. A thousand years isn’t very long anymore to me, I’m actually a few billion years old right now.

“But the universe is only-”

I exist outside of time and can create “save points” like a video game to come back to if I want to wander off in the middle of a conversation and spend a few hundred years doing something else. Around me things like science stop applying. Reality is, sadly, whatever I want it to be at the current moment. Luckily for everyone else, even with my mental instability, I don’t like making changes.

“Uh, instability?”

Maroon gave Dusk a toothy grin. Oh, you and Shining have got to get together and compare notes sometime. I’m … four or six different flavors of crazy, depending on how you categorize things. And I know I’m crazy, but that only helps so much… My dad … didn’t for most of his life, until I came along, and my family realized exactly how many of us have the same diagnosis. I know what’s wrong with me and I’m miserable, I can’t imagine not knowing. Of course, he was also a narcissistic ass, so he likely thought everyone else was the problem… Maroon shrugged. Family is weird sometimes… Oh, speaking of family, my sincerest apologies, my family is going to have a regrettable habit of constantly trying to kill yours, Maroon said with a wince. It’s nothing exactly personal, you’re all just some of the only creatures in existence that can challenge them. They’re … not as nice as Ponies. You should all be fine though!

There was a rather desperate grin on the red stallion’s face as he said that. He sighed and went back to petting a lion as though it was an oversized housecat, lost in thought. If fragments of me are such as that, then what is the whole? Is there a whole? Am I a “me?” There are times I don’t wish to know… It must be horrible… He was clearly talking to himself before he snapped back to the present. I … do not expect your forgiveness, though I hope to ask for it one day.

“Well, if I hadn’t come to Ponyville, what would have happened to me?”

Maroon grinned; his teeth slightly sharp for a Pony. Ah, “What If?” and “Could have been,” a dangerous, infinite sea, so easy to drown in. And one of my specialties… I sometimes gaze into alternate timelines for fun, though I always need to carefully reel myself back in. If we stick to universes that are the most similar to our own, in most cases, you would have been a brilliant academic with a long, distinguished career. You would have revolutionized both magic and many of the sciences. You also would have died utterly alone, not knowing why you felt … empty. There are also a surprising number of timelines where you turned evil and conquered the known world before moving on, but thankfully they are relatively few. You usually had a fairly justified reason, anyway…

Dusk coughed nervously. “Um. Any happy alternative versions of me?”

Maroon shrugged. Happiness is relative, especially if you don’t know you are unhappy. His head tilted to the right, a bit like a dog, as his eyes seemed to search something only he could see. But … yes. In about 200 cases you are able to make friends and live a happy life without my trying to make you an Element Bearer. However, with having to find a replacement set of Element Bearers, Equestria, and Equus … suffer. Sometimes the whole planet burns. It is rare but not unheard of for the course of history to depend on a single individual, in this case … you. Your existence determines the fate of the world, that’s responsibility…

“If you’re real, why haven’t you ever…?”

Revealed myself? Dusk nodded. Would you want Ponies to think you were a God, only to have to explain you’re a fraud? I am not comfortable with being worshipped, and they’d never stop asking me to solve all of their problems… I am often the cause of said problems, even if it’s a few hundred years removed! Maroon sighed. Celestia and Luna know who I am, as does Shining Armor, Cadence, Spike, my children, and Time Turner because I owe him… Now that you are on that list, I pray it ends there…

Dusk grinned. “Who do false gods pray to?”

Maroon chuckled. Someone listens, trust me, I get the feeling they’ve been covering all the prayers I’ve been slacking on. Hope they never call in my tab…

Dusk sighed. “I don’t … feel like you manipulated me. I mean, you were just my teacher. And yes, I’m sure you and the Princess conspired to send me to Ponyville in order to help free Luna, but … I’m the happiest I remember being in a long, long time.” Maroon blinked in surprise. Dusk continued. “And the Princess is back! If we hadn’t helped her, we’d be living in eternal night right now… I liked living here enough to stay instead of going back to where I’ve lived my whole life. This town is kind of crazy, but … it really grows on you.”

Maroon grinned. Like fungus… Believe it or not, one of the first times I died on this planet, it took me a week to come back, and I left a body, so ancient Ponies buried me under what would become the town square. When I woke up, I stayed buried another week, it was … soothing. Explains a lot about Ponyville, doesn’t it? Maroon finished with a grin of shark teeth.

Dusk’s jaw had dropped.

Maroon shrugged. It’s not like I cursed the site or anything, I was actually grateful they’d buried me, it’s nicer than some creatures have been…

“Do you … die a lot?”

You would be amazed… I always come back, usually instantly, sometimes it takes longer. To date the most embarrassing way I’ve died was being crushed by a falling outhouse.

“Does that happen often?”

If you go walking in the middle of a tornado, yes… Maroon sighed. It was an amazing experience right until I looked up and swore…

“Will I be seeing you after this?”

Maroon shrugged. I’ll likely be wearing this or another face, I don’t like to just walk down the street as Arachnos. If it’s all right with you, I would very much like to continue to see and speak with you. It would be nice to have a … someone to speak with magical theory about, I would very much like to hear how your adventures go, and I can tell that I am endlessly fascinating to you, Maroon finished with a teasing grin. Oh! Are you going to this year’s Grand Galloping Gala? Dusk nodded with an excited grin. Me too, Maroon groaned. I will see you there, and hopefully you won’t see me…

“Why do you say it like that?” Dusk asked with growing concern.

Maroon peered at the stallion with a strange expression. Uh. Maybe don’t get your hopes up too high…

Dusk grinned excitedly. “Why wouldn’t I? I was never invited to it the whole time I was in Canterlot, even as Celestia’s student! My friends all have so many exciting plans, we can’t wait for it. It’s going to be the best night ever!”

No matter what form he was wearing, Arachnos did not remotely have a poker face, and there was an expression of growing horror on Maroon’s face.

“What’s wrong with the Grand Galloping Gala?!” Dusk asked, worried it was some sort of cult now.

Nothing! Maroon said a little too quickly. It’s a very nice, somewhat stuffy upper-class annual soiree. From the point of view of the regular attendees, it is indeed the best night of the year. I just hate it, personally. I hope you’ll all … sur … uh, enjoy yourselves.

“You were going to say ‘survive,’ weren’t you?”

Maroon sighed. I am not the most social creature in existence, and I really do not enjoy the Gala. It can actually be quite pleasant if you go in with the right mindset. I look forward to seeing you at it.

“How do I get in touch with you?”

Maroon gave that sharp-toothed grin again. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you…” he said with a wink before disappearing slowly, starting with the tip of his tail and ending by leaving his grin hanging in empty air for a few seconds before it too chuckled and faded.

Dusk gave a laugh at that before he carefully made his way back to Zecora’s hut to join his friends, once again shown the way by a helpful spider.

When Butterscotch returned to his cottage, he let out a horrified scream. “I’VE BEEN ROBBED! Wait. No. What’s the opposite of robbed?”

He didn’t know what the term would be, but it applied. While he had been out, somepony had let themselves into his cottage. If Butterscotch had been paying better attention he would have seen that the door was still securely locked, so it seemed his anti-burglar could walk through walls. All of the Pegasus’s chores for the day had been done, his animals seemed to be extra-well cared for, and well out of reach was a platter of baked goods and a large sack of bits. Tucked into the bag was a scroll.

Expecting it to explode, the Pegasus unfurled it. In neat block print, it simply read, “Thank you for being nice to me.” It wasn’t signed.

“Huh…” was all Butterscotch managed to get out.

It was the evening of the Grand Galloping Gala. I had agreed to go on behalf of Celestia’s school, but I’d never said I’d be wearing a body. It’s much easier to tolerate some things when you’re an intangible spirit. Celestia couldn’t see me and was going to think I’d ghosted her, pun heavily intended, but the wrath of an Alicorn was easier to deal with than this mess by this point…

I laughed when I saw the At the Gala song begin to start. There were some minor differences, Elusive was not there to find a Prince Charming, he was hoping Prince Blueblood could provide him with business connections he was in more desperate need of than he wanted to admit.

I never really joined in with these spontaneous musical numbers, as much as I enjoyed them, but saw no reason not to. Still bodiless, I joined a line of stallions near the back, mimicking their dance rather clumsily. At a good moment, I added my own lines,

At the gala, all these nobles, how they make me want to shout! All this boredom, all their hatred, wish I could tear my mane out! These happy days are ending soon, if Ponies only knew, but enjoy yourselves tonight, right here at the Gala! It didn’t line up at all, but I’d been on the spot.

With that, we all headed in.

…

It was an utter disaster. I couldn’t even find it funny. It made me wish that I had shown up in the flesh, just so one thing could have gone right.

Bubble Berry’s attempts to liven up the party ended with every single attendant but his friends either ignoring him or treating him with contempt.

Rainbow Blitz didn’t impress the Wonderbolts at all, and his messing with events in order to perform a daring feat in front of his idols wound up breaking most of the Canterlot Castle ballroom. I was beginning to see why his canon counterpart eventually wound up with the nickname “Rainbow Crash…”

Applejack wound up tripping an innocent bystander in an attempt to sell his baked goods to the poor stallion. He eventually wheeled an entire cake into the ballroom in a desperate attempt to make money to help his family. The only ponies who bought anything were Soarin, who was technically family anyway and always loved the Apple family pie, and Applejack’s friends.

Elusive laid the charm on extra-thick in an attempt to get in with Prince Blueblood’s circle of contacts. Blueblood treated the other unicorn stallion like an annoyance at best and was almost cruel at worst in his attempts to shake Elusive. Elusive was having none of it.

Dusk was distraught to find that Celestia did not have time for one-on-one personal time with her student as she had in his youth. He attempted to help her with the endless line of Ponies attempting to greet her, but wound up regretting it and nearly got his hoof crushed by the well-wishers.

Unseen, I carefully trailed after Butterscotch. He’d always been interesting to me, ever since he and Rainbow had snuck into the supposedly haunted Rainbow Factory as foals. That had been a fun evening for me…

The yellow Pegasus was not having much luck attracting critters to befriend, as the Canterlot Castle Menagerie was notoriously skittish, a fact that the Pegasus had not been informed of beforehand. As much as I loved animals, in all the centuries I’d been visiting the Castle, neither their ancestors nor the current generation had exactly warmed up to me…

I watched with interest as the Pegasus wound up resorting to setting traps in order to make a new critter friend, all of which backfired with Wile E. Coyote levels of pain and humor.

Butterscotch finally tried rigging a net, swearing that the instant a creature touched it, they would be all his! With a maniacal laugh, he somehow summoned a flash of dramatically appropriate red lightning before getting caught in his own net.

Well. He’s going to fit right in, assuming Discord likes likes him, I thought with the disembodied equivalent of a grin. Though I’d honestly be thrilled if they were just friends, Gods know Discord needs one…

Butterscotch gave a surprised yelp as an unseen force sliced through the net and gently lowered him to safety before swooping away like an oversized bat.

In the ballroom a combination of the mane six’s actions caused utter havoc. Bubble Berry attempted to help Applejack show how yummy the cake he was trying to sell was, while Rainbow Blitz proceeded to up his tricks becoming desperate to be noticed by ~~Senpai~~ the Wonderbolts. Bubble Berry was doing a rather acrobatic dance and accidentally crashed into the cake Applejack was trying to sell, causing it to go sailing directly towards Blueblood and Elusive.

The Prince proceeded to shove the “common” unicorn into the path of the pastry projectile, only for it to somehow miss Elusive entirely and wind up smacking directly into the Prince. That had either been a heck of a gust of wind, or something large and invisible with a warped sense of humor…

Blueblood attempted to wipe away the frosting coating him while Elusive let out a delighted cackle at the unexpected bit of karma. Blueblood attempted to back away, knocking over the centerpiece statue.

Seeing yet another opportunity for a heroic feat, Rainbow Blitz swooped down and managed to grab the statue … which knocked all of the columns over like a row of dominos.

At that point, Butterscotch kicked the doors down as animals fled for their lives into the ballroom to get away from the crazed Pegasus. With an ominous flash of lightning, the normally meek stallion roared, “YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE ME!!!” in a voice loud enough to shake the walls.

Blueblood let out a horrified scream at that and ran for it, Elusive not even bothering to chase after him.

Dusk asked the Princess what he should do to help, and with a teasing smile, Celestia shouted, “RUN FOR IT!” The Princess the galloped off into the night, Dusk and his friends right behind her.

The guests had also had enough of the chaos and fled for safety and relative sanity as well.

All that was left was a wrecked ballroom, a lot of frightened animals, and some of the Thestral members of Luna’s night guard.

One of the Batponies sighed and looked at his fellow guard. “This is going to take all night to clean,” he groaned.

To his surprise, he heard music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74yb9E3WY1I&ab_channel=EdSheeran

As the song continued, the room began to repair itself, the messes and wrecked food vanishing, and small portals gently chasing animals and safely depositing them back home.

In moments, the ballroom was sparkling, and in a swirl of rainbow fire, I appeared in my liontaur form dressed in a tux, playing the piano and singing along with the song as it finished.

I grinned at the pair of guards who had been joined by five others. Hello, Nocturne, nice to see you again.

The Batpony sagged in relief that his schedule had just been cleared. “Thank you…”

I waved a paw. Don’t mention it. Under the piano, I snapped one of the fingers on my lower paw. The next morning, Bic Macintosh would plow the field with the old worn out plow that had needed replacing for years. It would break, he would grumble, and the rock he thought had broken it would turn out to be an ownerless treasure chest filled with a sizeable sum.

I dispensed with the tux and teleported over to the Batponies and saw Luna coming downstairs as well now that it was quieter in the castle.

I rubbed my paws together gleefully. So, now that the rabble are finally gone, how about a real party?

“Ha! Mine speed hath been doubled!” Luna called gleefully.

I let out a mild curse and tried to catch up to her character, only to crash into a wall. I tried to turn my cart around, fumbling with the controller.

“For having so many eyes and arms, you are terrible at this!” Nocturne said with a delighted grin.

I shrugged and grumbled as Luna won the third race. I sighed and held up my controller. Right. Who was next up?

Flitterwing raised his hoof nervously and I awkwardly tossed it to him, which he caught magnificently.

I walked away from the tv and racing video game competition to the table of snacks I’d conjured. Did anypony want the last slice of jalapeno and pineapple? There was a chorus of “nos.” I shrugged and ate the pizza, downing a swig of root beer and grabbing some gummy warms.

Blueblood came downstairs and swallowed nervously when he saw me giving him a glare. He’d been around me enough to not have an outright panic attack at the mere sight of me, but he knew what I thought of him…

You were an absolute ass tonight, and I don’t mean a donkey! I growled.

To my shock, the Prince sighed and nodded, folding his ears back. “I know. I … really overdid it this time. I should send that stallion an apology note if he ever cools down.”

I blinked. I think Elusive might want to make a coat out of you right now, I wouldn’t count on his “cooling down.” I sat down on the floor, still towering over him. Wait. So, you’re … not normally like that?

Blueblood scoffed. “Only every time I’m around somepony I don’t know.” He sighed. “I’m Canterlot’s most eligible bachelor, and most Ponies want to use me to get closer to the Princesses. I cannot count the number of mares who have simply thrown themselves at me simply for my fortune and status.”

“Especially as it is not mares whose company he prefers,” Luna said with a grin.

“Aunt Luna!” Blueblood shrieked.

I laughed. I knew you preferred males before you did, it’s fine. So, your tactic to avoid gold-diggers is to just be an absolute jerk to everypony?

Blueblood groaned. “It works, doesn’t it? Some of us have to stay firmly closeted for the foreseeable future due to tradition and station…” he grumbled. “I suppose I can be quite selfish, I have very exacting standards, and I enjoy a lavish lifestyle, but I am not the stallion Elusive spent the evening with.” Blueblood sighed. “A pity, he was rather cute. And good company. Well, if not a note, I at least owe him some anonymous patronage, I’ll see what I can arrange.”

My jaw had dropped.

Luna chuckled. “We were surprised to peel back his layers and find a rather kind stallion. Our first impression was not favorable, but Blueblood is a good stallion. … Underneath it all. We believe thou could do him some good, Arachnos… How wert thou able to identify his preferences?

I sighed. Magic. If I want to, I can see an aura that tells me that.

The guards all grinned and called out for me to “scan” them. I sighed. Almost all of you are straight, Starshine Nova is bi, Blueblood prefers the rougher sex, and Luna … I squinted. It just says, “Work in Progress.” Happy now?

“You have magic gaydar?” Blueblood said in surprise.

Not constantly, but yes. Saves me some trouble, given my mouth.

Blueblood chuckled. “Is there a spell for that? Not accidentally hitting on somepony straight would be … helpful.”

I shook my head. No, but … I suppose I could invent one. Don’t go spreading it around, though…

At that point, Celestia came back into the throne room, after a long night out with the Mane Six. She was not used to being up this late, but she’d finally managed to enjoy herself. She had explained to Dusk and his friends that the Gala was always miserable, so their disasters had actually been an improvement over centuries past. The group had profusely apologized to Spike for being so caught up in their dreams they hadn’t included him and promised to include him in future events. They had all ended the night gorging on doughnuts and swapping stories.

Celestia stared at her sister wiping the floor with her guards at video games, me hanging by a snack table, and asked, “Sister? What are you doing?”

Luna turned back and gave Celestia the happiest smile Celestia had seen her with in some time. “Ah. Arachnos suggested that as the castle was empty, we and the Night Guard join him in a … ‘Guy’s Night.’ We have never played these kinds of games before; we greatly enjoy them!”

You can keep the game set, it has about a hundred games on it, and I’m terrible at all of them.

Luna’s jaw dropped. “Thou offers this to us freely?”

I shrugged. Didn’t cost me anything.

“Thank you. We have been freed from our time as the Nightmare and could use … enjoyment. In the place of a Dark Mare, you would have a queen of games! A destroyer of Noobs! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as a beloved NPC! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”

Well, I’ve created a monster, I said with a sharp grin. I look forward to seeing Gamer Luna. Goodnight, everypony, I look forward to seeing you soon.

I willed myself back home, in a surprisingly good mood. Things were really looking up, and not even my mental health could mess with that.

…

Right?

Author's Notes:

*A hunched figure stands on a darkened street in a thunderstorm, waving a laptop around. They appear to be trying to be struck by lightning. They raise their free arm to the sky and shout: "KLAATU! VERAT - uh, I mean BARADA! N- .... I really should have written it down..." *Coughs loudly. *The earth begins to shake. "THERE WE GO!"
This story:

https://gfycat.com/radiantdifficultdogfish

Good grief, I should have split this chapter! ... I just couldn't think of a place to do so. It's almost a hundred pages, which explains why it took for-freaking-EVER to write...

I'm still alive! 3 years later, and we've finally gotten to the start of the show... Your patience has been imensenly appreciated! Nine months in between updates as well... In the wee hours when my brain is torturing me, it likes to remind me that at the geological pace this story updates, people have died while it collects dust... *A-hem, anyway...

So, I finally have my degree! I'm not ready yet! I'm busy with work, and usually in the middle of 12 projects, but I should have lots more time to write now!

I got quite a few requests in the comments for "Crazy Lyra Heartstrings." Are ... you all OK? I hope this is a satisfying start to it! Ironically, she's entirely correct, but those theories are the kind of thing that float around the Pony version of 4Chan.

Hmm... Shadowy figures that apparently live in Arachnos’s mind, love scaring Ponies, and call Arachnos "Dad?" What's up with that?

He knows he went completely overboard, but the foalnapping Shining was because Arachnos knew Cadence would come rescue him, and anyway, Shining was never really in danger. If Arachnos wanted to hurt somepony he wouldn't use an elaborate death trap that can be easily dismantled with a single kick.

And as Butterscotch has discovered, if you show Arachnos the slightest bit of kindness, he turns from terrifying abomination to loving housecat.

Here's some art that is the closest to how I picture the Mane 6 in this story! (They do have fingers on their front hooves though...)

Credit to Orin331 on DA!
Hang on, I'm counting 7 in that picture... Might another heavily-requested character show up eventually? 😉

Here is how I picture the armor the Elements forms for the Stallion Six:

Art by jaquelindreamz

Hopefully this story won't update

But ... it might...

EDIT: I've edited this chapter to have Arachnos be Ace. If there are any grammar or spelling mistakes, please let me know! When I actually break down and write, I speedwrite, so I miss stuff.

"Of course I'm out of my mind; it's dark and scary in there..."

View Online

Princess Luna was grateful to have returned to her duties of creating masterpieces of the evening sky and shepherding Ponies’ dreams while guiding them through nightmares. It gave her a reason for being, and guiding Ponies through their traumas and fears in a way helped her to deal with her own.

She was thankful beyond words to find that her subjects appreciated her work far more than they had in her youth. Astronomy was enjoyed by Ponies of all ages and walks of life, from scientists to amateur hobbyists. Her work as the Princess of Dreams was still done on a quieter, more intimate level, but still appreciated by those who had been its beneficiaries.

A few nights after the Grand Galloping Gala, Luna fell through the Dreamscape, arrayed before her like a galaxy of crystal balls of bubbles. She could observe snapshots of the Ponies’ dreams through them, but it was mostly their color that informed her as to the dreamer’s state of mind. A normal, pleasant dream was simply clear, allowing her to peer at its contents. A bad dream would be tinted an angry orange, while what was or would become a nightmare was a dark red.

Luna spotted something she had never seen before. This sphere was far larger than the typical dream, and pure opaque black. She couldn’t see or sense any of it at all. If a nightmare was red, how bad must a dream be to be black? Curiously, it wasn’t connected to the rest of the web that made up the Dreamscape. It simply floated slightly ominously off to one side, with no other dreams orbiting it.

Knowing what they said about curiosity and cats, Luna still entered the dream. If somepony needed her help, it was her duty as a Princess to ensure they got it.

She was in a long, darkened hallway. She couldn’t make out the walls, or if there was anything on them.

At the far end of the hall was a door, which Luna cautiously made her way towards. The door was painted a dark blue with eight small rectangular panels arranged in two columns along it. The paint was cracked and flaking and the doorhandle was once a bright brass but was now a corroded green with black flecks. The door had long cracks running vertically throughout it. Above the door was a party banner made from a sheet of butcher paper. Someone had painted the words, “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here…” in an eyewatering assortment of bright, cheerful colors surrounded by splotches of colorful paint. Definitely sending mixed messages there…

From under the door, Luna could see and hear flickering flames and smell smoke, which carried up through the cracks in the door which faintly glowed with an angry, orange light.

Luna got a definite feeling she shouldn’t be in here. Do not open this door… her survival instincts insisted.

Luna opened the door anyway and stepped through.

Luna had been expecting flames, instead it was painfully cold, cutting through her short coat and directly into her bones. It was at least freezing if not below, and foggy out. She could only see a few feet ahead of her, and each streetlamp had a blinding bright halo that further obscured her vision. She could make out shadowy shapes that were far larger than her lurking almost out of sight.

“Hello?” she called nervously. She wound up inhaling some of the fog, which burned her throat and lungs. She let out a hacking cough and tried again. “Hello?” Her voice was deeper. The shadows didn’t respond to her calls, simply drawing back into the fog and out of sight. Luna was somewhat grateful they hadn’t responded or attacked her. Some sort of instinct from Luna’s ancestors told her that making noise in this place was a good way to get eaten or killed.

Where was she? It wasn’t some place from Equus that she recognized from Ponies’ dreams, the buildings were square and cement, though an attempt had been made to paint them brighter colors which didn’t show up well in the night.

Luna couldn’t see the stars or the night sky at all, the fog covered the entire sky. Being cut off from the moon in another Pony’s dream was concerning to her. It was her door back out of them.

There was nopony around but her, and there didn’t seem to be a crisis that she could see. Luna simply set out walking, feeling far more lost than normal in a dream. There were faint overlapping whispers whose words she couldn’t make out. Not a friendly environment.

She eventually heard music. It might have been useful to her to know that it was Queen’s Under Pressure. Following her ears eventually the fog cleared a bit. It was a sort of circular clearing in the middle of the street, and a shaft of sunlight made everything much brighter, almost harshly so.

The buildings were brighter and more colorful, though dark vines sprouted from the street and seemed to be strangling them. Luna could see cars parked neatly along the side of the road, they were organized by size and color. In the middle of this, a tree sprouted from the asphalt as though it were dirt. It was a very large, very old apple tree. The apples were a beautiful metallic gold that glinted in the sun. Wrapped around one of the branches of the tree was a massive red and black snake with yellow eyes hidden behind sunglasses, just vibing to the music that continued. Luna wasn’t overly fond of snakes, though she also didn’t outright hate them, but this one seemed content to nap in his tree.

Luna moved on.

It was when she started hearing voices she began to panic.

You know, you wreck everything you touch. Why not try and make something for a change?

You won’t ever let anyone love you because you don’t think that you’re worth loving!

Breathe, just breathe…

Knowing that this is all in my head doesn’t make it hurt any less.

You’re coming back … right?

How come even together, there can be loneliness?

You’re just like your father you selfish bastard!

We're all hostages to what we love. The only way to truly be free is to love nothing. And how meaningless would that be?

We get the broken ones…

I am the Good Boy and I rule over the dark, wet caverns of Hell. I want Nothing, Nothing at all. And I will have it…

Give in, give in, I want you back…

Once upon a time, I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart…

There was a horrible static in the air, something you felt, not heard. Beneath that there was a deep, repeating beat. It would change patterns periodically, but it was always based around groups of four.

Luna felt panic clawing its way up her throat from her stomach and tried to keep from screaming. To her shock, something actually did leave her mouth a cloud of dark blue smoke with twinkling lights like stars.

Familiar evil laughter filled her ears. “Oh, no…” Luna muttered her voice still hoarse from the toxic fog.

“Ah, I’ve missed you too…” Nightmare Moon purred once she was fully formed. She blinked. “Are you … taller?”

Luna gave an enraged scream and fired off a blast of magical energy, which had no effect on her evil counterpart.

Nightmare Moon cackled. “Oh, sweetie, I’m part of you! You are NEVER GETTING RID OF ME!” she screamed.

Before Luna could retaliate, a third voice broke the silence as snow blew through the fog. It was a rich baritone singing in an almost lilting sing song.

Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y’all’s neighborhood

The demons squeal in sheer delight
It’s you they spy, so plump, so right
For though the groove is hard to beat
Yet still you stand with frozen feet
You try to run, you try to scream
But no more sun you’ll ever see
For evil reached from the crypt
To crush you in its icy grip

The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzly ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Can you DIG IT?

A shadowy shape stepped into view and then passed harmlessly through the fog. Nightmare Moon let out high-pitched whimper like a frightened puppy and even Luna had to force herself to not scream.

Art by BijutsuYoukai!

No matter where you looked at the stallion, your eyes kept being drawn back to those teeth. There were far too many of them, and they were like knives sticking out of a drawer. Teeth like that couldn’t exist outside of a nightmare; they’d cut the owner to ribbons.

The fact that he had a large gossamer pair of butterfly wings did not make him any less scary, especially as the wings had markings that looked like monochrome goat eyes.

His flesh shifted blurred like smoke revealing yellowed bones underneath. There was never any blood or viscera showing, merely bone and a pitch-black void that contained it. Whenever the flesh would disappear from over his eyes, there would be a small red starlike mote of light in the socket. Rather than the hooves a Pony’s fingers ended in, he had curved wicked claws like a raptor hinting at a predatory nature. That curved red and black horn was also very familiar…

The … thing gave a weary sigh. “I’ve spent centuries practicing that and I still don’t sound like Vincent Price,” he complained.

“Sombra?” Luna asked hesitantly.

The stallion gave her a shocked expression. “Sombra? No, I’m… Oh.” His face became wooden. “Oh, OK, I see. I guess we all look alike to you oligarchs, is that it?” the dark stallion spat. “Why not just give me a papercut to the raw nerve and squeeze some lemon juice on it? I mean, it’s not like I call you ‘spareribs’ or anything despite the fact you do look good enough to eat!”

“We aren’t food!” Nightmare Moon countered.

The Sombra look alike gave her a blood-freezing grin. “Yes, you are, you’ve just gotten fat and lazy and forgotten that fact…” He paused. “Are you afraid of the dark? Do we still haunt the darkened corners of your mind? Was there something you couldn’t make out in the shadows when you were a filly? Did you never leave your hooves outside the covers when you slept? You are our prey, our lambs for the taking. The world is our hunting ground and you are our meat.” He tensed as though he were going to spring any second. “I haven’t had anyone real to eat in longer than you can conceive of,” he whispered. “At least make it fun for me and run… No? Well, more for me then…”

He sprang, and let out a yelp as something grabbed him by the neck.

In icy tones, a familiar voice snarled, That is quite enough, Jargon…

Luna and Nightmare Moon turned to see me with my teeth bared at the dark stallion as I held him by the back of the neck. The scary stallion had gone completely limp in my grip like a kitten being picked up by its mother. He was also unusually silent.

I turned and gave the two Ponies a sharp-toothed grin. Hello, Lune-bug. I thought I told you to stay out of my head… I sighed. And hello to you, too, Nightmare. Not nice to see you again…

Luna pointed at the stallion I was holding. “Who is that?”

This is Jargon. He’s an Umbrum. A creature of darkness from pre-historic Equus. Also called the Vashta Nerada as they travel through shadows and eat Ponies. They’re the reason Ponies are afraid of the dark. Any and every shadow was a door into your home for them. He’s also my son. Technically. He and his brothers crawled out of my head and into your world one night and made themselves very much at home. … Discord is my middle child, actually. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

“Who’s the youngest?”

If you have to ask, you clearly don’t already know. Figure it out…

Nightmare Moon was eyeing Jargon. “He’s … terrified of you…” she worked out.

The Umbrum are Amortal. They can’t die due to never having been alive in the first place. Like me, they just come back. However, I can kill them off permanently, which is a horrifying prospect to them, so yes, they’re afraid of me.

“You cut Tulkinghorn’s head off, made him explode, and locked us in your mind behind ten thousand firewalls!” Jargon snapped.

And look how much you’ve mellowed out since then! Right, scram.

Before Jargon could flee, Luna had to ask. “Tulkinghorn?”

I grinned. Ah. When the Umbrum were very young, they asked me to give them names, so I counted them and named them after the birds from the novel Bleak House because it amused me. Their names are Hope, Joy, Youth, Peace, Rest, Life, Dust, Ashes, Waste, Want, Ruin, Despair, Madness, Death, Cunning, Folly, Words, Wigs, Rags, Sheepskin, Plunder, Precedent, Jargon, Gammon, and Spinach. The strongest and most evil of them who kicked his way up the ranks to become their leader I named Tulkinghorn because it seemed appropriate to name him after the evil lawyer character. As Jargon mentioned, there was a rather nasty case of infanticide once I realized that he was never going to stop eating Ponies and would they then spread to the rest of the universe. I shrugged. Definitely an act of sufficient enough evil that I could have gotten the Kindly Ones called down on me, and I have to live with it for all Eternity.

“How comforting,” Jargon muttered.

I still have that sword, kid…

Jargon’s eyes widened. “No, I’m good! Thanks, love ya, Dad!” He dissolved into shadow and quickly flowed away.

I … tolerate you, too, Jargon… I sighed, knowing he’d hear. I glanced at the two Alicorns of the Night. I’m not dreaming, I just felt something that shouldn’t be there moving around in my mind. Not a pleasant sensation. I came in to have a look, and luckily got to you before Jargon did. How did you get in here?

“I was in the Dreamscape and thought this was a nightmare. I’ve never seen anything like it…”

Ah. Not a nightmare, no. I spread my arms and gestured at the foggy, eerie city. Welcome to Hell! Seeing Luna’s expression, I quickly added, This isn’t your Hell, it’s mine. The universe inside my head. I spend most of my time in here, and it’s grown quite a bit, but given how … uh, loco I am, it’s not safe for me, let alone a Pony. Was there a door? In here, a doorway you came through?

Luna nodded. “Yes, at the end of a hallway. It was blue and … warped.”

Cracks? Peeling paint? Old doorknob? Luna nodded. Ah. The front door to the apartment I grew up in. That would be … hidden, but it seems that if that’s how you got in, that’s the only way you can get out. I pointed in a vague direction. Shall we try and see where it’s gotten to?

“How many places could there be?”

Picture the biggest thing you can think of, larger than all the stars you can see in the sky. Are you picturing it? Luna nodded. Good. Now forget that entirely, because in here is infinite. With infinite hiding places.

“And you don’t know where you put the door?” Nightmare Moon sassed.

I didn’t move the door; you did by entering. And this place is my mind, things like location and geography are immaterial and very changeable. If it wants the door hidden, I could search a thousand years and not find it. Still, best to try, neither of us would last a thousand years here. Well, I have, but it’s not an experience I want to repeat. I stuck my tongue out and tasted the air. Mmm. Deeper down. Of course. I’ll lead the way then… With that, I started walking in a seemingly random direction.

“You make it seem like we’re going to be attacked at any second…” Nightmare Moon said, Luna surprised to find herself nodding in agreement.

Frankly I’m astounded we haven’t been while having this conversation. I must be in a good mood or something. What happens to you if you die in somepony’s nightmare?

“’Tis not pleasant, but we both merely wake up, and I must attempt to help them another night.”

Hmm. The sound had a very deliberate feeling to it. Since I’m not dreaming, and since this is me we’re talking about, I think that if you die here, you die in the waking world… All of my eyes widened and began to scan around me with worry. Shit. I wish I hadn’t realized that. Now my mind will definitely try to kill you…

“Arachnos…” Luna called softly. I turned and stared at the pair. “Why are you so afraid? You’re not dangerous or anything!” With those words, blackened vines sprouted from the asphalt, ensnared the two versions of the Princess of the Night, and dragged the screaming through the street as if it were water.

I turned and beat my head against a nearby light post. You just HAD to tempt fate! In here! I snarled. It was odd to think of my mind racing whilst I was inside of it, but I had very little time. OK, if I were me, where would I drag Luna and … Night … Mare … Moon. Oh, shit… With that realization, I began to tear the street up with my claws as I began to dig my way down after them.

Luna woke up and coughed, feeling like she was hacking up water almost. Luckily, she was no longer tied up. She slowly stood up. A familiar voice groaned. Luna spotted Nightmare Moon a few feet away, almost mirroring her movements, an act she wasn’t comfortable with.

Nightmare was rubbing her head.

Luna sighed. “Why are you here?”

“You’re the therapist, you tell me. Why’d you change your look?”

“What?”

Nightmare squinted at her. “Something’s different about you, I just can’t work out what yet. More importantly, where are we?”

Luna glanced up. She had thought the fog was bad. This “sky” was cement with the ends of roots poking through cracks. She hadn’t felt so cut off from the moon and stars in some time. A small mercy was that it was far enough overhead that she could comfortably fly without crashing, but it was very oppressive.

The rhythm of four she hadn’t quite been hearing was gently shaking the ground and rattling her bones.

1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4

The speed and pattern would change seemingly without rhyme or reason, but it was always themed around a base of four in some way.

Taking a look at the ground now, Luna realized they were in what looked like the world’s biggest scrap pile. It was mounds of rusty, discolored junk that seemed to have fallen at random and been piling up for eons. Toys, faded and torn books, clothes that were more hole than fabric, a bicycle, a large poster with the words “Zuckerberg is Watching You,” and just piles and piles of refuse.

Not knowing what else to do, Luna set out walking, Nightmare reluctantly following.

“You know we’re being watched?” Nightmare asked, her tone almost conversational.

Luna nodded. “Yes, I feel it too. I don’t think I want to know by what. At least there’s no fog so I can see…” She wished she couldn’t. It was a depressing sight at best.

They came across a bridge spanning … it might have been a river in another life. It if hadn’t been fatally polluted it was a river of crude oil with garbage floating in it. The black sludge oozed slowly along underneath them and gave a chill that went to the bone.

“Don’t tell me you want to see where that goes?” Nightmare griped.

“It’s like you can read my mind.”

“I’m part of you, remember?”

“I try not to,” Luna groaned. “Yes, that might lead us somewhere.”

“If we die, I’ll kill you…”

“Fair,” Luna said with an amused snort.

They followed the river of toxic-looking sludge until a newer type of fog began to choke the air. It was easier to breathe but was oddly rainbow-colored instead of one single color.

The ground began to shake with a rhythmic pounding as if a gigantic hammer was driving a pony-sized nail into the ground every … four seconds.

Eventually the fog cleared to reveal … a factory. It was like some mad confectioner’s dream: all smoothly turning cogwheels and towering smokestacks pumping out thick clouds of rainbow smoke. It looked like a clockwork fantasy castle, complete with a portcullis and a moat of that blackened sludge. Glass pipes lead from the inside of the building down to the moat, noisily slurping up the ooze.

In cursive neon above the door was the name of the building, “The Rainbow Factory.”

Luna was confused. “Is this supposed to be Cloudsdale?”

Nightmare glanced at the nightmarish landfill surrounding them. “No, far too earthbound for Pegasi. Unless the city fell somehow. But why would he have that in his mind?”

Not remotely wanting to, Luna headed in as it was the only stable structure or sign of life she’d seen since falling down here. It was indeed a factory with a full-scale assembly line system stretching clear out of sight.

To the two Alicorns’ right a series of pipes spat out the toxic sludge from outside directly onto a conveyer belt. Luna heard a buzzing of large wings. Changelings? She turned right as a gigantic wasp flew into view, overshooting the two ponies entirely. Its forelegs had been encased in serrated metal blades that it used to quickly slice the sludge into smaller blocks.

As the sludge was whisked further down the line, a roach quickly pulled and shaped it like it was some sort of taffy. Luna stared in amazement as both color and texture started appearing in the mix. In moments it had been turned into a living, breathing anthropomorphic fox.

A pill bug grabbed the fox who let out a yelp at the contact before dragging him away. Filled with a morbid curiosity she knew would likely get her killed, Luna followed the vulpine, Nightmare Moon trailing after.

She nearly instantly regretted it. Further back was like a slaughterhouse, with various living beings having things done to them that would haunt her dreams for the remainder of her life. Someone had seen way too much horror at 3 a.m. …

Once the unfortunate victims had been sufficiently mutilated, they were stuffed into boxes with no regard for the way they were folded, clearly violating physics in several cases. All of the assembly line workers were over-sized insects, and most of them had instruments of torture embedded in their flesh that they used to carefully sculpt the black goo into … Victims? The insects were incredibly chipper as they worked, acting like an artist sculpting a block of marble into something beautiful rather than doing something like ripping a pony’s teeth out. The boxes were tossed to a giant spider hanging from the ceiling who tied them together in silk before tossing them onto a forklift. They were then driven to the back rooms…

Each box had a label. “Naked at School or in Public.” “Weeping Angel Attack.” “End of the World (And it’s Your Fault!).” “Family Reunion.” “Your Children Escaping.” “Your Death.” “Witches.” “Being Turned into Hamburger.” “Bugs Laying Eggs in You.” “Big Test You Failed.” “Giving a Loved One Cancer.” “Your Mother.” “Your Father.” “Christmas.”

“They’re … they’re making nightmares,” Nightmare Moon realized. “It’s an entire factory to make nightmares, and quite efficiently.” She glanced at some of the boxes and shivered at what she’d seen going into them. “I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again…”

“No…” Luna agreed. On the wall were two posters, one of which read, “Zero Days Without a Dismemberment,” and the second read, “You don’t HAVE to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” Those were definitely Arachnos’s blackened sense of humor at work.

The factory PA system suddenly crackled to life. A male began to sing to the workers.

‘Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding, no more falsehoods or derisions, golden living, dreams of visions. Mystic crystal revelation, and the mind’s true liberation, Aquarius, Aquarius…’

The tone suddenly became much more threatening as the song continued, ‘Let the sun shine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in!’

Luna could see light begin to pour through the windows and the fur on the back of he- his neck began to stand up as he had a panic attack. Daylight meant pain, noise, suffering, heat, life … people. He wasn’t safe during the day, make it stop, please put the sun out! Luna blinked. Those weren’t his … her feelings. Were they how Arachnos felt about daylight? It explained a lot…

The insects working at the factory were all chatting nervously. “That’s not possible,” a large ant said with fear clearly in its voice.

Luna stared in alarm as the walls began to bubble like a liquid. Some of the bubbles burst, oozing yet more of that black sludge. As beams of light began to break through, the insects began to burn and shriek where it hit them.

As the entire building began to rapidly crumble to ash, a wasp wailed, “BUT I JUST GOT PROMOTED!”

In seconds, it was over, and the sludgy remains oozed into the moat and floated on downstream.

Luna heard a sound at the edge of her hearing, Ehhehehhehheh… He’d heard it before, in the forest as a filly, a fox’s laughing bark. It sounded very pleased with itself…

The endless junkyard had apparently burned away as well, leaving clean cement sparkling in the harsh, bright light. Luna screwed her eyes shut; it was really quite painful.

Ow. That shouldn’t be possible, there’s no sun in here… Luna cracked an eye open to see me, sunglasses covering all of my eyes. I held a pair out to her and Nightmare, which they both gratefully took.

“I … felt feelings that weren’t mine when the sun rose. Were they yours?”

Ah. “Snuff out the sun to feel safe?” Yes. Those were mine. My apologies. If I’m transferring memories or emotions, even unintentionally, that’s not good… Might even be dangerous for you.

“Where are we?”

I gave a multi-limbed shrug. My subconscious. Part of a song I enjoyed a long time ago dealt with a Rainbow Factory “Where your fears and horrors come true.” So, my mind turned it into an actual location to create my nightmares. They’ve got quite a backlog due to the fact that I’m terrified to go to sleep. Whatever you saw, they aren’t actually evil or even sadistic. Their function is to give me nightmares, and they excel at it. They view their work as making art, and in a way, it could be seen as such, if you view horror and fear as art.

“Why insects?”

I grinned. Bedbugs. They didn’t bite you, did they? I added quickly with concern.

Luna stopped in his tracks, feeling a little more of his sanity fray away. In the deeper voice that hadn’t gone back to normal, he seethed, “I just got mentally scarred for life … and it was a PUN?!”

I gave him an apologetic grin. Would I be me if it wasn’t? I twirled my fingers as if I was wrapping yarn around them, pulling a near-transparent line out of Luna’s mind before I ate it. There. No more body horror keeping you awake the rest of your life.

“What about me?” Nightmare Moon snapped.

I shrugged. Sorry, it doesn’t work on dead parasites…

Nightmare Moon gave an enraged scream and lunged at me. I caught her by the tail, swung her around multiple times, and let go. She flew off into the bright cement wasteland and landed miles away from us, causing a mushroom cloud to form.

I turned to Luna with an embarrassed smile. Sorry. Should I not have done that?

Luna chuckled. “Glad you did. Gods, I was insufferable. ‘Look at me, look at how evil I am, eternal night, bleh, bleh, bleh…’” Luna finished, sticking his tongue out playfully.

I laughed. You know vampires don’t actually say ‘bleh, bleh, bleh’ right?

Luna laughed. “I know. I visited Transylmaneia and accidentally nearly got engaged to the vampire king shortly after becoming an Alicorn. I didn’t know who he was, but … well, I staked him pretty well before returning home. It was enough to convince him to leave Equestria alone.”

I laughed. You as a vampire bride would have been … interesting. As the Father of Monsters, your monster-hunting skills always terrified me, and I was always thankful I never had to face you on the battlefield.

Luna nodded. “At least my youth was not all ballgowns and tea parties. I was as good as any stallion in command.”

I’ve talked to the spirits of the soldiers who died facing you in battle. You were … terrifying. Not that I’m not… I glanced at where I’d thrown the physical manifestation of Luna’s trauma. Well, both the factory and Nightmare Moon will be back, the latter much sooner. Best to put some space between us, yes? I snapped my fingers and teleported us to a new location in my mind.

We were thankfully out of my subconscious now, on a dark street lined with doors that stood upright without being in a wall or a building. Thankfully there were streetlamps.

Luna glanced up at the foggy sky, glad for at least something that was visible. “No sun? Ever?”

I thought about it. On … very rare occasions, I have good days. It’s possible then. But growing up, I never liked the sun as it meant I’d suffer. Dark is cool, quiet, and safe.

“Where’s this place?” Luna asked.

I pointed at a stop sign that had the name of the street: “Memory Lane.”

Luna shot me a look that said, Seriously? I had the good grace to look embarrassed. I pointed at the doors. Not every memory I have, since that’s quintillions, but behind each of those doors is a memory of mine. If it’s not locked, you can look, but you might not like what you see…

Luna nodded and walked over to one of the doors. The address plaque made no sense whatsoever. “What is that?”

Space/time coordinates so you know exactly when and where the memory was formed … if you can read them. Ah, no, not that one please, too angsty. Try across the way.

Puzzled, Luna nodded and crossed the street. This door was a dark red. Luna opened it and stepped through. He was in a library and spotted a familiar face.

Honestly, Starswirl, being the greatest wizard in the history of the world has its advantages, but you have no social life. And that’s coming from me, so believe me, it’s a serious concern.

“I am trying to keep this world you made balanced! Do you not care?!”

Of course I care, but at what cost are you maintaining the balance? When was the last time you checked in on your friends?

“What is your obsession with my social circle?!” Starswirl erupted.

Being starved for love and approval can cause resentment that builds in the shadows. I hope you don’t come to regret your pursuit of knowledge above all else…

With that, Luna found himself on Memory Lane again. He tried another door. He was now in a vast dark cavern filled with hundreds of ponies of all three tribes holding candles. From behind Luna, my voice cut into the memory, Oh, I like this one, this was Grogar’s funeral.

The eulogy was in progress. “We gather here not to mourn, but to celebrate this loss. It was hard-won and should never be forgotten. It was thanks in part to Grogar that the nation of Equestria has been founded. His evil will live on in our legends for all Eternity. … Well, he ain’t gettin’ any deader! LET’S PARTY!” The cavern erupted into cheers as the party began.

There was an amused snort. Ponies… I muttered.

Once we were back in my mind proper, I stretched. I did honestly enjoy that one, if I’m being honest. Still, it could have been- My eyes widened. Say, do you want to play hide and seek?

“What?”

Great! I’ll seek, and YOU HIDE! Before Luna could protest, I’d shoved him through a portal as a sound like rushing wind passed over just where he’d been.

The portal snapped shut. It was even darker and foggier down here. There was the occasional streetlamp providing light, but it seemed like Luna was the only thing there. There wasn’t even the faint whispers and four-based patterns he’d almost gotten used to.

Luna sighed. “My duty since I ascended has been to help guide ponies through the worst of their dreams, and I am trapped in the mind of one of my only friends with no way out, and a high probability that I’ll die.” He kicked a stone. “Delightful,” he grumbled. “Why is my voice not back to normal?”

I’d get used to it, if I were you, I’m amazed you haven’t figured it out yet… But then it can take others a while to catch up with my point of view…

Luna turned and saw eerie green light as something was stepping out of the fog. He crouched down and spread his wings, prepared to charge or flee as needed. It was a fox, larger than he was, and walking on its hind legs. They were shaped more like a human than a fox, with bushy black eyebrows and faintly glowing yellow eyes. They were wearing a loose white kimono that had a scales, stars, and dragon pattern with yellow edging. Small planets orbited their neck like a solar system as a necklace, and they were wearing a grey conductor’s cap with the word “Guide” on it. On their right middle finger was a thin black ring and on their left middle finger was a thin white ring. They was carrying a black lantern in which green ectoplasm and small spirits swirled while serving as a light source. In their other paw was a white and red fox mask with a gold spiderweb in the corner. Light radiated from their head.

Art by BijutsuYoukai!

Hello, Lune-bug, they said with a smile, using Arachnos’s nickname for the Lunar Princess.

Luna was very nervous, expecting whatever this was to be a trick or to attack her.

The fox was hovering a foot off the ground and small plants and weeds would sprout under its paws where they walked.

You won’t believe me, but I have no intention of hurting you, I’d like to help you get back to Arachnos so you can get out of here. I apologize for them shoving you down here, they saw something coming to kill you and figured this was the best way to keep you alive. Take your time, but whenever you’re ready, we can head out.

“Who … what are you?”

The fox grinned. Arachnos calls me ‘Smug,’ though that’s not my actual name. I’m the person who gave them their powers and status as a Demiurge and set them up with a small universe to build and run. So far, they've been doing a decent enough job, though that may change. They have certainly made mistakes.

“Why do you keep calling Arachnos them?”

Ah. You aren’t the only one who will be needing some new pronouns at the close of this chapter. It will make sense in time, most things do. Though, what fun is there in making sense? the fox finished with a grin. You will have to trust me if you want to make it out of Arachnos’s mind alive, the fox finished.

Luna sighed and nodded, setting off after the fox. The fox’s voice was masculine, though strangely light, and somewhat lilting, and she couldn’t get an idea of their body shape under the kimono. It seemed curvaceous. “Are you a mare or a stallion?”

I’m a fox!

“But what is under your robe?”

The fox gave Luna a manically cheerful grin. Void. They handed her the mask, which dissolved on contact. For next time.

“‘Next time?!”

You’ll get there when you get there. Shall we?

“Do you even know the way?”

Of course, I know everything. There are shortcuts in here Arachnos doesn’t know about.

The two set off in a direction of the fox’s choosing. It was strange to see, the fox physically made the motion of walking, but continued to hover about a foot above the ground. Small plants and flowers bloomed underneath each step, leaving a convenient trail to follow should anything be tracking them.

To Luna’s surprise, the fox started to sing. Loudly. “All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey, I’ve been for a walk, on a winter’s day, I’d be safe and warm, if I was in L.A., California dreaming, on such a winter’s day!”

It grinned as the ground began to shake. Time seemed to slow down as a huge shape charged out of the fog towards them.

Luna’s mind raced as he began to crouch into a defensive position. I’m going to die alone down here with a strange creature, and we’re both unarmed.

Almost lazily, the fox reached up and grasped their halo, bringing it forward and hurling it like a discuss. The halo expanded and the beams of light seemed to grow sharper before it cut the charging monster cleanly in half, returning to the fox’s head like a boomerang.

The fox gave Luna an almost chilling grin. What makes you think I’m unarmed? They flexed their cooked-spaghetti arms to make the point. They then held out the lantern. The bloody grey shape dissolved into green mist and was sucked inside, and the lantern glowed brighter as another ghost joined the horde. We were being hunted, I thought it would work best to bring it into the open.

“Are you reading my mind?”

No more than I’m reading everyone else’s. And their internet history, the fox added, looking nauseas. Nothing personal, I just can’t turn it off. The pier is this way. The sidewalk dissolved under their hooves and paws, and they were on a rickety looking pier with a gondola tied to it. All aboard! The fox said cheerfully. Their transport looked like it would sink to the bottom of the river and had a distinctly gothic look with black wood and a skeleton carved into the front.

After Luna reluctantly climbed on board, the fox hung their lantern in the front of the boat and followed, untying the rope and taking the oar. Please keep your hooves and wings inside the ride at all times, in case of emergency, there is no exit. As they shoved off, the fox began to sing yet again. “There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going, there’s no knowing where we’re rowing, or which way the river’s flowing, is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a-blowing?”

Luna tried to distract himself from his unwelcome companion by examining his surroundings. He was thankful to see a clear and starry night overhead, though there still was no moon to serve as a way out. There wasn’t any noticeable scenery, just what appeared to be rolling hills speeding by them. The river began to become choppy with large rocks in it. The fox expertly steered them around the obstacles even as the ride became rougher.

The boat approached a bridge, and the fox ducked as they went under. When they passed through, the river had turned to blood. The fox took them left at a fork in the river and under another bridge. This time the river was chocolate before a third bridge changed it back to water. The fox was rowing a frantic pace and Luna noticed with horror a distinct lake of horizon and the rushing of water growing louder. There were no hills ahead, just an expanse of sky.

“I think there’s a waterfall ahead!” Luna yelled.

Yep! That’s what I’m aiming for! You should probably hold onto something!

Luna could only scream as they went over the edge. The stars rushed past turning into linear streaks before spinning in a way that made him want to vomit. He closed his eyes well before the crash.

Luna groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He was on solid ground again, for that he was grateful. He glanced up at the sky and stared in awe. Far too close for comfort in the sky was a black hole. He glanced around. He seemed to be on a floating island adrift in the night sky, slowly orbiting the black hole. Rising out of the ground were hundreds of standing rectangular slabs of rock, all the same size. He squinted before hobbling over to one. Carved into the dark rock were the words: YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.

Luna tried another. NO ONE COULD WANT YOU.

HUMANS ARE INHERENTLY EVIL, THOUGH THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.

NO ONE LOVES YOU.

EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG.

YOU ARE A COSMIC MISTAKE.

HOPE IS EVIL AND A POISON.

IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU DID NOT EXIST.

Luna’s heart was pounding, he closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly to drown out the accusing writing.

When he was done, a voice softly said, Hey. Sorry for the detour, but you needed to see this.

Luna opened his eyes. “What is this?” He pointed up at the black hole.

Arachnos’s heart. Not literally, the fox added quickly.

“And these?” He pointed at the … gravestones or whatever they were that told him his existence was a crime.

Arachnos’s core beliefs.

Luna’s eyes widened and he stared at the monument to self-hatred. “Oh, gods,” he breathed.

Yes. The fox gave Luna an almost pained look. You are … special to Arachnos, I am hoping you can help to pull it out of here.

Luna’s heart hurt. There were so many of them… He sniffled. “I don’t know if he’ll listen.”

The fox gave a gentle smile. They will.

“I don’t know. I’m scared, I’m alone, and my body feels like it’s the wrong shape.”

Actually, it may be the right shape. Look.

A mirror formed in front of Luna. He blinked. “I’m-”

A stallion. And rather a handsome one, as far as I am able to judge such things.

“Why did Arachnos turn me into a stallion when I entered his mind?”

Barks of soft laughter. They didn’t, you did. That is your soul made manifest, what it is is the truth of you.

“You … you mean I. No. I can’t … that’s completely absurd! I … I’m a stallion? Inside?”

Mmm-hmm. You can unpack that once you’re safely out of here, but you, my sweet Lune-bug are a Prince, not a Princess.

Memories surfaced in Luna’s mind, of preferring to wrestle the castle colts into submission as a filly than attend tea parties, preferring battle to suffering through etiquette lessons, of his mother having to force him into hatefully frilly dresses, of bonding with his generals almost as if he were one of them.

Luna let out a small gasp. Slowly, the corners of his mouth turned up. “I’m … a stallion?” he tried again, less hesitantly. A long-buried part of him screamed for joy, it was almost taboo, but it felt so right to say, to think, to feel. He chuckled. “I’m a stallion.” This time there was no question. He touched the glass. “Is this what I would have looked like?”

Yes.

Luna nodded approvingly. “I … do look good. What now?”

The fox grinned. Go find out. The way up and out is over there. A small circle was carved into the stone.

Luna stepped into it. “You are … more real than anything in here. What’s your name?”

The fox smiled wide as the moon. Oh, that’s simple, it’s- The portal activated, and Luna was gone.

There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I called gratefully. I found the door while you were gone! It’s just across that bridge there!

The door was indeed across a bridge over a looming chasm. Luna sensed a trap. I crossed it with no problems and beckoned him over.

Luna cautiously stepped onto the bridge and the earth began to rumble. Curse his instincts…

A massive shadow erupted from the chasm, nearly knocking Luna off the bridge. It unfolded into a familiar visage. “YOU LITTLE FOAL!” Nightmare Moon shouted. “YOU CAN NEVER BE FREE OF ME!” Luna took a step back. Nightmare Moon cackled. “Nothing to say from the sweet little Prince?”

Luna closed his eyes and grit his teeth. Breathe, just breathe, a voice whispered, you’ve got this.

Luna opened his eyes and stared at the part of himself he hated the most, the embodiment of his resentment of his sister, the being who had caused so much suffering, and his own monument to self-hatred. In a level voice, Luna said, “I do have something to say, and these are the last words I will ever say to you.” He took a deep breath. “FUCK YOU!!!!” he screamed. His horn crackled to life and Nightmare Moon glanced up. A sword the size of a city block made of night sky descended and cleaved her apart before she dissolved away into faint whispers.

Luna panted and grinned. “Ha!”

I understandably had an expression of fear on my face at that display. Remind me to never piss you off. Glad you’re feeling better…

Luna un-summoned the sword and nodded at the door. “Please be in my room in five minutes, it’s very important.” I nodded, and Luna stepped out of my mind and back to safety.

In his room, Luna shivered slightly as the feeling he didn’t know was dysphoria settled over him again now that he was back in the body he’d been born in. There was a light knock at the window, and Luna let me in.

Luna took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I have a lot to discuss with you, Arachnos. For tonight, I will deal with one matter.” My spine nearly broke as he telekinetically dragged my ear down to his mouth to yell into it. “YOU’RE GOING TO THERAPY IF I HAVE TO DRAG YOU THERE BY YOUR-”

I don’t have genitals, I interrupted.

“Mane,” Luna finished lamely. “And since I know that you will put it off, I will make the appointment for you for next Monday at 2. Be there, or I will hunt you down. The practice is in Canterlot, on the corner of Briddle and Hay. You no longer have the option to avoid this, is that perfectly clear?”

I nodded mutely. Luna continued. “After what I have just gone through, I will need extra therapy now, so you get to join me. I will be checking up on you to make sure that you are attending your appointments. Please let me know if you prefer another practice but give it a few weeks to make sure.”

I nodded. “Good night, Arachnos,” Luna said testily. “Please make sure that if I ever wind up in your mind again that it is a less hazardous environment. I will call you on Monday.”

I flew away and Luna collapsed into bed. “I may never sleep again,” he groaned. “Good gods is there a lot to unpack in there…”

I was tending to my garden the next morning when my phone rang. It had a very distinct ringtone. ‘Let the sunshine, let the sunshine, the sunshine in, let the sunshine, let the sun-’

I picked up. Hello, Celestia. What’s up?

There was a pause. “My … brother has been up all day excitedly talking to me. It will take some getting used to, referring to him as such. But … it honestly explains a lot. He won’t tell me how he figured it out, and he’s asking to speak to you.”

Ah. I … it does explain a lot, actually, Luna being a he instead of a she. I’ll be right over. By the time I’d hung up, I was in the castle foyer. The guards showed me to Luna’s chambers. Hello, Lune-bug.

Luna blinked. “It’s strange, it sounded exactly like… Never mind.” Luna set his cup down and cleared his throat. “I haven’t slept in some time; I have been doing research. I believe I am … trans? Is that the word? I am a stallion in a mare’s body.”

I nodded. Yes, trans is the correct term. How did you come to this realization? I blinked. You were a stallion in my mind last night, and in your dreams when I woke you up. I didn’t even notice you were a stallion instead of a mare last night.

Luna chuckled. “Neither did I, I … met someone in your mind last night who pointed it out to me, a strange fox shaped like a human, with a personality very similar to yours. Was that you?”

I blinked. Possibly. Or a part of me, anyway, I’m not sure. Once I’d shoved you through that portal, you were … hidden from me. I think it helped keep you alive.

“The fox referred to you as ‘they’ instead of ‘he.’”

I grinned. I’ve often felt more like a they than a he, gender is … odd to me. Very fleshy, and the constructs around it are baffling. What may I do for you?

“Is it possible to turn me into a stallion? Permanently?”

I nodded. You are certainly not the first nor the last trans stallion in this world, there is indeed complicated magic to permanently help a pony of any gender transition. In your case, however, there’s a problem. Luna frowned. Your magic is permanently tied to the cycle of night and day on this world. Changing your shape involves using and altering your magical signature since your physical form is a part of that signature. Altering it would have consequences to the physical nature of the world. The moon may stop orbiting, or worse. To perform that spell on you, you would need someone who has beyond an expert grasp of magical theory, especially transformative magic. Someone who has routinely performed that spell, and who often casts high-level, complicated magic. Someone like … me.

Luna blinked. “You would do it for me?”

I nodded. It would be an honor, but I will not do it right away. You need time to adjust to this, and the world needs time to adjust to you.

“How so?”

How do you think the nobles of Canterlot would react if you became a stallion this exact second, with no warning or announcement? Luna’s expression looked like he had swallowed a lemon and said it all. I nodded. Exactly. You can of course begin to transition immediately, but take it slowly. Let others get used to the new you as well. Begin by living and dressing as a stallion, and see if you desire a new name. I promise I will cast that spell well before the year is out, but I ask for your patience.

Luna nodded. “I have been thinking of taking the name Lune.”

I like it! And it is not too great a change from your deadname, just a more masculine version. I will report my progress in therapy to you no more than an hour after my session, agreed?

Lune nodded. “I expect a full report, but only what you are willing to share.”

I gave a slow bow. “Talk to you then!”

Monday came. I went to my appointment in the shape of a stallion to make things easier. Out of lifetimes of habit, I was chronically early to my appointment, which was a good thing as I was stuck outside the door rereading the brass plaque with a growing sense of horror. The office for the therapist I had been signed up for read, “Dr. Frank N. Furter, Therapist.” I blinked. No, it hadn’t changed.

I sighed. If I open this door and find Tim Curry singing “Sweet Transvestite,” I am burning this city. After he finishes.

I headed in. Well, no Transylvania convention in sight, it just looked like a typical therapists office with encouraging posters on the wall and soothing paintings. I went to check in. “I have the two p.m. appointment? It’s under ‘Aaron Noss.’”

“Of course, take a seat an I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”

Moments later, a light blue stallion with green eyes and a pad and pencil cutie mark stuck his head out of his office. “Mr. Noss?”

I headed in and sat down on the couch, fidgeting slightly.

“How are you today?”

“Fine. Nervous. I … have a lot of issues, but I want to work through them. I … know they’ll never fully go away, but hopefully they won’t destroy me as much.”

“Where would you like to start?”

“May I change into something more comfortable?”

Dr. Furter blinked, but nodded.

I stretched out into my liontaur Draconequus form, ducking so I didn’t puncture the ceiling with my horns. To start with, the name I most commonly go by is Arachnos. I’m an immortal demiurge, I created this universe, and I’m also crackers, but I usually make it work for me, I finished with a grin. I sighed and continued. I have … a lot of self-hatred, rather severe depression, I have Autism, I’m extremely anti-social even though I know it would help, I’m a disasterist, and I’m very self-sabotaging. When I was alive, a neighbor thought I might be bipolar. I really don’t understand the way ponies and other creatures think and have difficulty relating to them. Where would you like to start unpacking that?

“Let’s start with why the neighbor thought you were bipolar.”

A lot of the time, I get so depressed that I can’t move or do anything for weeks, and everything is hopeless, and I’m convinced that there’s no reason to live. But then rarely, I get so happy that I feel like I’m full of electricity, and everything’s wonderful, and I have to run around and do everything at once. I didn’t sleep when I needed to, and I lose my self-control and inhibitions.

“Well, that does sound a bit like Bipolar II, but I’d need to meet with you for at least a month before I could begin to diagnose you.”

That’s fair. May I ask a question?

“You just did, but yes.”

Your name. Frank N. Furter? Not exactly a typical name.

“My father ran a very large hot dog empire, all the kids got hot dog related names. My brother Hot Link is a model, and my sister Brat Worst runs a deli. I am a licensed Doctor, but I put ‘Therapist’ on the sign because it has warmer connotations.”

That all makes sense.

“May I ask a question?”

I grinned. You just did, but yes.

Dr. Furter gestured at my lower half. “Why don’t you have …?”

A penis?

“Yes, that. It’s a bit obvious since most creatures don’t wear clothes.”

I haven’t had one since I died and came to this universe. I didn’t enjoy having one, and often wanted it removed. It’s easier to just not have a physical sex. I mean… I shapeshifted into a stunningly gorgeous mare, and then a movie-star handsome stallion. Neither gender feels like me. I’m more feminine than masculine, but I don’t feel like there’s a gender there. I just got shoehorned into being male by genetic lottery, and I’ve been trying to act that way ever since. Often failing. I don’t get why your body dooms you to a certain role in society, and why you can never cross over and mix roles.

“This is something only you can determine, but it sounds like you may perhaps be nonbinary? It’s something I’d be happy to explore with you in future sessions.”

Is that your way of trapping me into coming back for more? I said with a smile.

Dr. Furter smiled back. “Yes.”

I sighed. I’ve avoided this because I knew a therapist’s lifetime would be much shorter than mine, but … I’m looking forward to trying. I can at least do that.

“That’s all I’ll ask for. Just try the things we work on.”

I smiled. I can do that.

Thing were looking like they might get better, but I still thought it best not to press my luck.

After Death, Creation

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

At the end/in the Beginning

Time After Time

"You're next of kin to Chaos..."

"That must have been one heck of a year..."

I'll see you in a thousand years, kid.

Adder's Fork, Blind-Worm's Sting, & Cherry-Flavored Cola

My Brother's Teacher's Keeper

The Return of Old Friends...

"Of course I'm out of my mind; it's dark and scary in there..."