Adder's Fork, Blind-Worm's Sting, & Cherry-Flavored Cola
I sighed and looked in the mirror. This has bad idea written alllll ooooveeer it…
Staring back at me was an earth pony with blue eyes and a brown mane tied into a ponytail. My fur all over was the same cherry red as my right forehoof, and I had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. I was wearing a pair of outdated glasses. I didn’t need them to see, but I felt it added to the character.
I sighed again. I’d been wondering how to solve this, then realized I already had the answer. Time travel still gave me a headache. “OK, your name is Maroon Flask. You grew up in Califoalnia, where you studied potions. You were passing through Canterlot and saw the ad in the paper, and this seemed like the amazing opportunity it is.”
I gave myself the once-over again. “OK. Fur: combed. Mane: Passable. Teeth: brushed. Bowtie: cool. Barebones resumé: in hoof. … Here goes everything. Besides, it’s not like I’ll get the job!” I said with a laugh as I locked my front door. I ducked into an alley and teleported to Canterlot.
I glanced up at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Didn’t you tell Celestia you’d never teach here? Alexis asked from inside my mind.
I nodded. Yes, but that was almost a thousand years ago, and you can change your mind thousands of times in a month. Anyway, maybe I can help Dusk. A job would be good for me, I need something to do. I’m bored. Anyway, like I said, it’s not like I’ll actually get this job, I thought as I pointed to a line of nervous but hopeful applicants stretching out of a door. Any one of them are infinitely more qualified than I am.
Yes, but you’ve been practicing for much longer then they have, Apep thought with a grin.
Yes, I’ll be sure to mention that ‘Maroon Flask’ has been making potions for over a thousand years, I thought with an eye roll.
I seemed to be the last applicant; nobody joined the line behind me. I was finally called up. Celestia’s secretary Raven Inkwell looked at me. She didn’t mean to be rude, but it was obviously the end of a long day and her nerves were frayed. “Name?”
“Maroon Flask.”
She jotted it down. “Resumé?” I passed it over. She didn’t look impressed, but it wasn’t impressive in any way. “Right. Go ahead when you’re ready.”
My nerves catching up with me, I walked in, and I nearly ran away when I saw Celestia sitting at the other end of the room. It was her school, why hadn’t I thought she’d hire the teachers?! I started having a panic attack. This was stupid, there was no way this would work! She’d know what I was right away, and I’d be laughed out of the room.
I took a deep breath. I’d come this far, might as well finish it. I walked over. There were two of the Royal Guard in the corners, presumably as bodyguards. They weren’t glaring at me, that was a start.
Celestia radiated benevolent calm, as always. I couldn’t imagine the strain that not being able to appear upset would cause someone over the centuries. I pushed that thought aside. Job interview. Eye contact!
“Hello, Mr.-?”
“Maroon Flask, Your Highness.”
“Nice to meet you. Why do you want to teach potions at this school?”
I thought about it. To my surprise, my lie had a great deal of truth to it. “The students at this school are the brightest and the best in Equestria. No matter what career path they choose, any of them can influence the world in ways I can’t picture. They can be a force for great good, or great evil. Teaching students with that kind of potential would be a great honor. In my own small way, I’d have helped shape the future of Equestria, and hopefully helped others along the way”
I grinned. “You might have noticed my lack of horn. I’m an earth pony, but I can do things with potions that would impress your top students. Potions are often overlooked as a ‘valid’ form of magic by unicorns, if I can, I’d like to change that. I’d also like to show that not only unicorns can be gifted in their type of magic, but that any creature can. I’ve … got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that,” I admitted with a grin. “I’m not going to burst into singing I Believe the Children Are Our Future, though,” I said, my grin widening slightly. “I believe it to an extent, but I’m not the bursting into song type. Anyway, I can’t carry a tune.”
Celestia seemed amused, but it was hard to tell under her masterful poker face. “Well, thank you for your honesty. I ask all of the applicants to demonstrate their skills, if that’s all right with you?”
I gave an amused snort. I was being interviewed for a job in her school, and she made it sound like the requirement to show that I knew what I was doing was a personal favor to her. “Of course.”
A simple set of potion ingredients and tools was wheeled out in front of me. “I know it’s a rush, but I can only spare each applicant 5 minutes to make something. If you’re good enough to teach here, you can impress me in that time,” she said with an encouraging smile.
I nodded, and she flipped over a timer on the ground next to her. I glanced at the ingredients my mind whirling. In five minutes, this set would normally make a tooth fixing potion, but …
I first poured in the rainbow and quickly diced the mint leaves. I ground up a dried stag beetle and poured the dust in. Celestia’s head tilted in confusion, I wasn’t following the recipe. Next came lemon rind, a bit of starshine, a crushed pearl, and lastly water from a spring. The mixture fizzed and started to gently pulse with green light. I poured it into a flask and held it out to one of the guards.
He looked uncomfortable. I grinned. “If I was going to poison you, I would have the decency to not do it to your face.” He looked apprehensive, but Celestia nodded and he took a drink. There was a blinding flash of light. There was a loud clattering sound as his armor fell off. When the stars cleared from our eyes, he dropped his spear in surprise. Instead of a grey earth pony, a pegasus was standing in front of me. Aside from the addition of wings and feathers above his horse tail, he looked identical. Growing a large set of wings had burst his armor off of him.
My grin widened. “Sadly, that’s only good for an hour, but if your boss grants you permission, I hear flight is an indescribable experience if you’ve never done it before,” I said glancing at Celestia. “Maybe he could have an hour’s break?”
Celestia chuckled and nodded. “Go for it Bright Shield.”
As he ran out of the room in glee, I shouted, “Remember, that’s 50 minutes and then the wings disappear, so FOR GOD’S SAKE, LAND BEFORE THEN!!!”
The other guard yelped as something scuttled over his hoof. He glanced down and saw a large spider. He raised a hoof to smash it but was shocked as a red blur snatched it away. “Sorry about that,” I said, trying to calm it down. I looked at Celestia. “Thank you for this opportunity. I’m not expecting to get the job when there are so many other, more qualified applicants, but I enjoyed this.” I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted something down. “This is my email address, it’s the best way to reach me and let me down gently. Thank you again.” I gave a quick bow. Taking the spider with me, I walked out of the room.
Celestia grinned. She then began to chuckle, before it turned into hysterical laughter. The remaining guard stared at her in shock. When she’d managed to calm down, she said, “I wondered where you’d been the last few decades, I thought you’d given up on us. I think we’ll both enjoy this, O spider god. With all the years of practice you’ve put in, you’re the most knowledgeable about potions. You as a teacher should be interesting.” Her eyes widened. “Raven!” she called. Her faithful secretary walked into the room. “Make a note that I am setting aside funds for potential lawsuits regarding my new teacher. I don’t think he would cause harm, but he’s a bit accident prone, so better safe than sorry.” Raven nodded. Celestia began to chuckle again.
I stared in shock at the screen. How the – I stopped the swear in time. Did I get the job?!!! There had to be 30 other applicants, and that was on the last day!
Apep leaned on my head and grinned. “You’re going to be a teacher! In a school that combines middle school and high school,” the phrase a demonic snarl. He was smiling as he said it. “I’ve seen your memories of those happy, happy days. There’s no shame in bowing out now and running away to Prance.”
Oh, god… I sighed. You know how stubborn I am. I’ll stick it out. It’s only … 23 or four-ish years. I can put up with it that long, and maybe I won’t even murder my students! I said with a grin. I mean, it would be a good opportunity to learn how to deal with actual, real-life people. I – My eyes widened in horror. Oh, crap! I’m going to have to move to Canterlot! CANTERLOT!!! I screamed at the heavens in rage.
Alexis chuckled. “I’m pretty sure those pompous, upper-class piles of pus will mostly leave you alone. It’s just the parents you have to worry about. You’ve dealt with it before.”
Not for more than twenty years…
“Yes, for over twenty years. Cheer up! You get to mold young minds and show that a subject you love is a valid form of magic, and that earth ponies are as valid as unicorns,” Alexis said encouragingly. “You get to influence an entire generation! Including a pony who will hopefully one day lead Equestria!”
Sure, from 9-11:30 every weekday, Potions 2A from 1:30-3 two days a week, I said with a snort. How does a required class only have one period?!!
“Smaller school, and the students there literally study a bit of everything. There aren’t enough hours in the day for students to take potions twice. Anyway, you have to be at least 14 for 1A so you don’t burn down the school.”
I would never!
Alexis chuckled. “I didn’t mean – Actually, you get scary on Bad Days. Could you rein yourself in?”
… I’ll do my upmost to not cause death, injury or damage to property.
Apep chimed in. “You are the sort of person who would subtly curse someone you don’t like when their back is turned. I’m supposed to encourage that, but … You’re pretending to be an earth pony; you shouldn’t have anywhere near the amount of magic you have.” He thought. “Is there a way you could get rid of your magic, so you don’t misuse it and to blend in?”
I thought. In theory, yes. I snickered. Hark how the bells, all silver bells…
“Ah. I’d forgotten. That’d do it.”
I thought some more. I mean, I couldn’t get rid of all of it. I need it to function, and on some level it keeps the universe ticking. Anyway, if I got rid of my magic, you two wouldn’t be able to physically manifest, and I’m not having you two not driving me crazy for over twenty years, I said with a grin. Where else am I going to find the cutest gay wolf couple in this universe?
“I’M NOT GAY!!!” they both shouted.
My ears drooped. I’m so sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea of you being a couple. Please forgive me.
Alexis folded his arms. He pointed at himself with his tail. “In case you’ve forgotten, I can’t even HAVE – I wouldn’t WANT to anyway; where do you think I got THAT from? I just like him because he makes me laugh and we get along.”
Apep booped Alexis on the nose with his nose. “You might not have any ‘fun bits,’ dear, but you’re great in bed. You’re the best cuddler.”
I might throw up in my mouth. I’m sorry for assuming. If it’s any of my business, what are you two?
“Ace,” Alexis said with a shrug.
“I take after your son,” Apep said.
Ah. So your orientations are “Nope” and “Yes,” in that order.
“Pretty much,” Apep said with a grin.
Again, sorry. Right then. Let’s go get an apartment. I’m assuming you two cuddlesluts will want your own room?
“Yep!” Apep said with a grin.
“Did you have to put it like that?” Alexis groaned.
You two can’t go a night without being in each other’s arms. Anyway, I love threesomes with you guys!
Apep started to die laughing. Alexis sputtered.
The three of us cuddling! I said innocently with an evil grin. What did you think I meant?
“What did I ever do to deserve this?” Alexis groaned.
Apep and I shrugged. You’re cute and fluffy? I suggested. Apep nodded. With that, we headed out.
“So, what do you think?” the realtor asked as I looked at the front of the house. “For your budget and wish list, this is probably the best fit.”
I looked at it carefully. It was a bright yellow with a white picket fence and an overgrown garden and a wrap-around porch that begged for a set of rocking chairs. Lots of big windows, it seemed like a great house. “I was hoping to get an apartment, but this is nice! Can I see the inside?” He nodded and unlocked the door. I let out a whistle. “This is very nice!” I walked from room to room. It was perfect. “This is an amazing house, why is it so cheap?”
He gave a nervous grin. “No one’s lived here for almost twenty years.”
“Why not?”
“Oh, it’s nothing bad!” he said quickly, “People are just superstitious about the address.”
“The address?” I asked in confusion.
“666 Gate Way,” he explained, “The street number is-”
“Grogar’s number,” I finished. “It’s like the 13th floor of a building, right?”
The realtor nodded. “It’s funny that people are still afraid of a creature of myth who died almost 2,000 years ago.”
“They said Grogar was defeated, but they never said he died,” I said with a grin. I glanced around the house once more. “I’ll take it,” I said firmly. “Let’s go back to your office and draw up the paperwork!”
I had bought a 3-room house and bought furniture and supplies to go in it. The master bedroom was mine; the second bedroom was for Apep and Alexis to share if they wanted to physically exist, and the 3rd, smallest room was used for storage/crafts/a small library.
Apep and Alexis got a double bed to share because they tended to spend every night cuddling/spooning, and I got a very large bed in case all three of us wanted to spend a night cuddling together. Ponies didn’t wear many clothes, but I moved my scarf and bowtie collections in, and got the necessities for my kitchen, along with a few sofas, a rocking chair, a desk, and a TV and computer.
It didn’t feel homey yet, it just felt like a house with stuff I’d bought in it. It didn’t even feel like my stuff. Before I broke the house in, I had something important to do.
“Hey. So … I live here now. I’m not sure if dis towne is beg enough fer the both o’ us. I’ll be visiting you a lot more. I’m sure you don’t want that, but I will be. I’m sure you still hate me. I can understand that.” I sighed. “God, I would give anything to let you be able to talk back, even if it’s just to scream at me until you’re a little horse like the rest of the city. Heh. I can’t stop making puns even now,” I muttered. “I guess it’s a defense mechanism. Time didn’t go any faster for me than it did for you, but I’m not in my own personal Hell like you are. I forgave you a long time ago, I would have lashed out too, worse than you did. I guess neither of us are fit to handle our emotions well,” I said with a grin. I sighed. “I just want you to know I love you. I still love you. I never stopped loving you, I wish I could convince you of that. I’ll be back tomorrow. I got a job working for Kay-Kay believe it or not. I’ll let you know how it goes. See you soon!”
I got some odd looks for saying what could be interpreted as a love confession to a statue. I shrugged them off. He was my son for God’s sake, looking crazy was worth letting him know I still cared.
Right, I thought, I need to come up with textbooks, lesson plans, and 2 syllabi. I’ve got a lot of work to do, better get started tonight. I’m lucky I don’t need to sleep, I’m a teacher now, I wouldn’t be sleeping anyway… I gave a chuckle. Me. A teacher. Look out world, you’re in trouble now…
My first day of work, my future victims er, I mean students walked down into the basement. Potions was held in a classroom in the basement that looked like it had been turned into a bunker over the years. There was a good reason for that. Chemistry could cause explosions and noxious fumes, but Potions did it much worse when it did. In addition, the effects were magical. Luckily good ventilation had been put in.
They opened the door and saw me standing in front of my desk in a collar and bowtie, although I’d cut the ponytail off. It had been bugging me. I’d try again another time. “Morning!” I said cheerfully. “Come in!”
They filled in, still chatting.
The room was large and well-lit, and was set up like a chemistry lab, with work stations instead of desks, sinks and counters to clean and store supplies, and supply cupboards stretching around the room, along with a supply closet near my desk.
“No assigned seating; just take what’s comfortable. Store your belongings under the back counter in case of accidents, just a habit I want you to get into.” One everyone had gotten set up, I wrote my name on the blackboard in my slightly loopy cursive. “Right! Welcome to Potions 1A. I’m Professor Maroon Flask. The ‘Professor’ is at Celestia’s insistence, but you can call me Maroon or Mr. Flask.” I started walking around the room and handing out the syllabus. “This is the syllabus, I’m assuming you all know how to read, but I’ll be going over it anyway. Beneath that is a waiver that you have to sign because this is a potentially dangerous class. Just take it home and go over it with your parents or guardians and all of you sign it.”
“What if we don’t have a parent or a guardian?” called a voice. The entire class, including me turned to look. A snow-white unicorn with a light grey mane and green eyes slunk slightly in his seat, his face burning. “I live on my own, with some help from the government. I don’t want to talk about it.”
I nodded. “Sorry for prying into your business. Meet me after school in the library on a day that works for you, and I’ll go over it with you.” He nodded. “What’s your name?”
“Mask Note.”
“Nice to meet you. Stay with me after class and we’ll work out a time to meet up. Any other questions or concerns regarding the waiver?” The class was silent. “Going once … going twice … ok then. The first week is just lecture without labs, so the only way you could injure yourself is if your head hits your desk from falling asleep from boredom,” I said with a grin.
“Right, let’s get some ground rules out of the way,” I said as I walked up to the board. “You’ve noticed I’m an Earth Pony, teaching at a School for Gifted Unicorns. I have an excellent grasp of the subject and can teach it without the use of unicorn magic. Any of the three tribes, as well as many other races, can craft potions, and it might be an interesting experiment to perform on your own initiative to see how you do without magic or levitation. If I hear phrases such as ‘Hay Humper,’ ‘Dirt Pony,’ or ‘Muddyhooves,’ even if they’re not directed at me, even if it’s while I pass you in the hall, I will see to it that you’re expelled. The same goes for slurs against Pegasi. Got it?” They nodded. “You’ve also probably noticed the blackboard rather than the smartboard your other classes have. I’m that old-fashioned, but electronic fields can interfere with certain potions, and you do not want to drop your phone in your work, so I will have a stricter ‘no phone’ policy than your other teachers. You get one strike. That’s it. As with Chemistry, no food or drink except bottled water. Bring only the supplies you need for notes or your work out of your bag, in extreme cases we might have to evacuate the room in about a minute, so we’ll be running drills.
“Now that I’ve made myself sound like a monster; I hope you will enjoy this subject as much as I do and learn something as well. If not, you still need to pass it anyway. Sorry, not my rules. I’ll take roll, and then we’ll go over the syllabus and get started!” I said with a wide smile.
I met Mask Note early that week. “Thanks for meeting me, I’m sure you’re busy.”
He shrugged. “A little, but school’s important. It was hard to be accepted here, if I didn’t have a scholarship, I couldn’t go.”
“Well, I’m glad you get to be here, and I hope you find my class not to terrible.” I frowned. “If you don’t mind my asking, I’m kind of worried…”
He sighed. “I ran away from home a few years ago. My situation was … pretty bad. That’s an understatement. I managed to apply for citizenship in Equestria, and I became an emancipated minor. I miss my brothers and sisters a lot, but I hope to never meet my mother again.”
“Thanks. Well, to sum this thing up, it says that you’re taking a class that can have dangerous consequences if you’re not careful, but if you follow directions you should be safe. If an accident occurs and it’s your fault, you give up the right to sue us, but if it’s our fault, you can still sue. I’ll go over each clause with you, and then you can sign it in front of me. Mask Note is kind of an unusual name, isn’t it?”
“So’s Maroon Flask,” he said with a grin.
“Touché.”
“I’m a theater kid, I’m good at singing and putting on different masks.”
“Maybe I can see you in something. OK, the very first part says-”
The first week went well. To my surprise, the students actually seemed interested in the subject. It took me a while to warm up to people, people I didn’t know tended to scare me for a few months, but my coworkers seemed very nice, and each was as passionate about their subject as I was. The school accepted students starting at the age of 8 to the age of 18, and almost all of them went on to college. The school was famous for many of its alumni going on to excel in their chosen fields.
One morning in mid-September I was having my students make a simple sleeping potion. Easy recipe, harmless potion, very unlikely to explode. Unfortunately, there was the “human” equation. I was surveying the students. A grey colt stirred his potion with a look of intense concentration. Once he was satisfied it was stirred, he moved his spoon to place it on the table, taking a quick taste as he did so, not even thinking about it. There was a “THUD” as he hit the floor.
“Oh, good grief.” I dashed over and slapped him awake. He jumped awake with a shout and I pulled him to his hooves. “You cook?” I asked. He looked at me with confusion. “You just tasted your soup or your sauce without thinking about it,” I said with a grin. “It’s a habit of people who cook a lot.”
He nodded. “It’s my talent,” he said, pointing at the cast iron skillet that adorned his flanks.
“Good for you. Right! Everyone!” I called. “That’s a good lesson for all of you! NEVER TASTE A POTION UNLESS YOU’RE 115% CERTAIN IT’S SAFE!!!!” I shouted. “You’re lucky I don’t teach poisons. OK, let’s get back to work!”
The last Friday in October I wrapped up my lecture for my 1A class. “One last thing: do any of you have any food allergies at all?” The class looked at each other and shook their heads.
“Great! See you Monday! Have a great weekend!” The fact that every class my students streaked out the door still kind of hurt, but it was due to intense schedules instead of not liking me. I think. Mostly. Now to plot…
My class was surprised to find the door to my class shut but unlocked and the lights out on Monday morning. One of them flicked the switch. Several students screamed. The room looked like a Halloween store had exploded in it. My desk had somehow been replaced with a casket, which hadn’t been easy or cheap. A projector was sitting on top of it, along with a large screen in the front of the room. The supplies had been carefully packed away. In the front of the room a cauldron simmered with a bubbling lime green liquid that smoked. Plastic cubs were in neat stacks around it, and a ladle stuck out of it. Above the casket a spiderweb spelled out, “Happy Nightmare Night!” Spiders are terrible spellers, so it had taken them 3 tries, but bless them for putting in so much work. Paper ghosts and skeletons hung on streamers from the ceiling, and the walls were splattered with fake blood stickers. What had made everyone scream was the fact that the entire room was crawling with hundreds of harmless spiders. A large constrictor snake lazily slithered across the floor at the back of the room.
The back counter was the second thing to catch everyone’s eye, it was covered in platters. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, roasted pumpkin seeds, rice krispies stuck together with marshmallows, lemon bars, pecan pie bars, a very large worms and dirt cake designed to look like a graveyard, caramel apples, apple pie, the stacks of fall-themed treats were enormous. A sign read, “Spider Bake Sale. All proceeds go to real spiders! ^^” I hadn’t been much of a baker when I was alive, but I’d had a long time to practice, and was … decent. I knew I’d never been one of those astonishing bakers you saw on tv or Pinterest, even with all the practice in the world.
“Well, are you going to take your seats?” I asked from behind my students, making some of them jump since I made no noise when I walked. They stared at my outfit. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and my face was painted to look like a smiling skull. I was wearing a threadbare blue hoodie with white fur trim over an undershirt that the hoodie was open to show. A pair of pink fuzzy slippers guarded my back feet. “Well?” I asked.
The students quickly got to their seats. The sound of loud farts broke throughout the room. “Heh. Sorry about that, a real weirdo must have put whoopie cushions on some of the seats. Too bad you didn’t look. The spiders are all completely harmless and more afraid of you than you are of them, so just be gentle and please don’t squish them. Same for the snake. Since the week starts on Nightmare Night, I thought we’d do something different today. We’re going to watch a movie.” The class cheered. “Since we won’t likely finish it today, we’ll finish it for class tomorrow.” The class cheered again. “You’ll have to write a two-page essay on it due a week from today.” The class groaned. “Oh, come on! It’s a fun prompt, you’ll like it. Feel free to move around to get snacks but clean up your own messes as best you can, I don’t need the janitor to be any angrier at me for this.” As the students rushed for a sugar high, I fired up the projector. The movie I had didn’t open to its menu, instead I saw an anime version of me as I’d looked as a human wearing an undertaker’s outfit and holding a noose. He appeared to be in the middle of a song. “All you need is a piece of rope, AND TO NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, NEVER CONSIDER SELF-ABUSE, THIS IS HOW YOU TIE A NOOSE!” The projector switched itself off. “Uh, did anyone else see …?” Nobody was looking. When the class was settled with their snacks, I tried again, and the movie started playing. “Right the prompt for the essay is seemingly simple: how to survive a horror movie! Let’s begin…”
The next day was the beginning of November, and I noticed my coat was longer and fluffier. Most ponies grew winter coats, but this level of fluff meant your family was from near the Frozen North, and apparently the family Maroon Flask didn’t have was. Which meant I wouldn’t be very cold in winter, which made me sad, but more distressingly, I was going to shed like crazy in the spring. Great. Oh well.
Apep flew up and switched off the smoke alarm. Alexis and I uncovered our ears. Apep shouted. “THERE! GOT IT!” Alexis hurried off to open windows. Apep landed back down and gave me a look like I’d grown another head. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “OK. I’m only going to ask this once. I’ll regret it, but I have to know. HOW IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU SET A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH ON FIRE?!!!” He roared, baring his teeth and claws.
I wish I knew…
“You can cook!” he shouted in astonishment, “Like, actual food! How did you DO that?”
I wish I knew… was all I could say again.
Mask Note puzzled me; I wasn’t sure why. He was incredibly personal and kind for a 14-year-old, nearly always had a spring in his step, and the rest of the class had trouble keeping up with him. If this was potions, I dreaded to think how far he was exceling in drama, since that’s where his special talent lay.
But … every time I looked at him, I knew I wasn’t looking at him. That’s the best way I could describe it, like all of him was a projection. Back when I was alive, people joked that I was psychic, because my gut feelings were almost always right. Mask wasn’t hurting anyone, he didn’t read as dangerous, he seemed like a genuinely good person, but he was hiding something. Lord knows how many skeletons I had in my closet, and my entire persona was a lie, so it wasn’t my business to pry, but it itched in the back of my head.
When I finally figured it out, all I could do was laugh.
The teachers took it in rotations to hold detention. This was only my third time, but the fact that I apparently already had a reputation as a ruthless taskmaster warmed my frozen heart.
I only had one student this afternoon, and I couldn’t believe it. Mask was the kind of person for whom “on time” meant “late.” If he didn’t have at least a 4.0 GPA I’d eat my hat, and he avoided conflict like the plague, so …
“How in the world did you get detention?” I asked in an exasperated tone.
He gave a sheepish grin. “I tripped over a paint bucket and wound up covering about half the hall.”
“They gave you detention for that?” I asked in surprise. “If being klutzy is a crime around these parts, I won’t last long.”
“Uhhh … there may have been a fight. With a janitor who didn’t appreciate the mess.”
I sighed. “That’ll do it. Well, you can help me prep ingredients and clean supplies. I’m sure you know to be careful by now. I’ll go get the stuff.” From inside the closet, I called, “Incidentally, do you speak Changeish?” in Changeish.
“Not since I left the Hive,” he replied in Changeish automatically. There was the sound of something dropping and breaking. “Z’irak!” he swore, the Changeling version of the f-bomb.
I walked out, carrying supplies. “Watch your language, please,” I said sternly. Mask had a look of pure terror on his face. “Easy, I’m not going to hurt you or turn you over to S.M.I.L.E. or anything. I don’t care that you’re a Changeling, I just care if you do well in school.”
Mask’s breath was hitching, and his ears were pinned back. “Ho-how did you know?” he managed to get out.
I set down the flasks and ingredients. I smiled. “Well, you didn’t seem … real. No, that’s not putting it right. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I could tell that you were an act. It’s … instinct, I guess. I also knew you weren’t going to harm anyone, so I didn’t see the need to confront you about it. You mentioned a ‘bad home life’ and your mother, but not a father. You don’t appear to have any family looking for you. You’re a talented actor, you’re supernaturally empathetic, and you read people better than I do. You’re very friendly, but you don’t actually have friends, like you don’t want people to get close to you. It honestly clicked when I remembered that you spend your free time trailing after the high-school age students who are in nauseating amounts of love. You’re a rogue, right?” He looked confused. “Sorry, that’s what Chrysalis calls Changelings who run away and never come back. Well, she usually says, ‘traitor,’ but rogue fits better.” He nodded, seeming like the fight or flight instinct was dying down. “Mind if I see the real you?” He looked hesitant. “I promise I’m not going to hurt you, I just know that being stuck in one shape for years can be draining for a Changeling, so I thought you might like to stretch your wings.”
I walked behind him and locked the door. He glanced at me, but all he read of my emotions was good will and curiosity. A flash of green fire later, and a Changeling was in my room. He sagged in relief, buzzing his wings rapidly. His voice had the slight buzzing timbre a Changeling always has. “Ahhhhh…” he practically moaned. “You’re right, that does feel better!” Going off the pitch of his voice, he was still male. Gender was kind of optional for Changelings, but most stuck with what was familiar. Checking between my student’s legs was just wrong. He glanced at me with his slightly alien eyes. “You’re … you’re really fine with the fact I’m a Changeling at a unicorn school!” he said in shock.
I nodded. “I figured you got in here on your own merit. I hope so anyway. Do I have to go looking for Mask Note? Because that would cause problems,” I said in a warning tone.
He quickly shook his head. “No!” he squeaked. “I didn’t copy anypony! I don’t have the resources to keep someone under.” I relaxed. “How do you know so much about Changelings?” he asked in curiosity. “Most ponies don’t know we exist.”
“I’m not exactly a pony,” I said with a grin. Fair’s fair, I said in my “God voice” as Celestia called it. I erupted into a large alicorn stallion made of rainbow fire, grinning at him.
His eyes widened. “Calbrax!” he said in awe.
I could tell where this was going. If you bow to me, I will make you scrub the floor with a toothbrush for your detention, I growled. Twice. I don’t like being bowed to!
“But aren’t you-?”
Yes, I snapped, It’s all, regrettably, true. Doesn’t mean I want special treatment. What’s your actual name?
“M-Mandible!’ he squeaked.
I smiled. Nice to meet you, M-Mandible. To you, I’m Calbrax. To others, I’m Arachnos the Weaver, The Architect of Reality, The Dreaming, Aardan Whose Horns Pierce the Sky, among others, I said, stopping myself in time. I have thousands of names and titles all across the universe, but at the end of the day, I’m really just me.
“And … you’re a teacher?” Mandible asked with a raised brow.
I nodded. I have my reasons, I’m even enjoying it, which is a shock, as long as I avoid the middle-schoolers at all costs. I think this might –
There was a knock on the door, and it opened. Mask Note was shocked to find himself a unicorn again up to his elbows scrubbing out a sudsy cauldron while I was Maroon Flask again. There hadn’t been any time or special effects between the change. A mare peeked into the room.
“Oh, Maroon! I didn’t think you’d wind up with my best student,” she said cheerfully, “How are you two getting along?”
“Fairly well. You’re the drama professor, right?”
She nodded. “Curtain Call, I’m sorry we haven’t met properly…”
“I’m a recluse, it was most likely my fault. Did you have something to tell Mask?”
Curtain nodded, looking crestfallen. “Our pianist has the flu; we might have to cancel!”
“WHAT?!” Mask yelped, almost dropping the cauldron.
“Careful with that!” I hissed.
“Sorry!”
Curtain said, “I know, and we only have two weeks to go!”
I thought about it. “I play piano. Whether I’m any good is for others to judge.”
“Can you learn the score to an entire musical in two weeks?” she said disbelievingly.
“You’d be amazed,” I replied.
“All right,” she sighed, “worst it can do is not work. We meet after school tomorrow. I expect the lead to be there,” she said with a pointed look at Mask. He nodded quickly. “Right then. See you both then!” She walked out.
“You’re the lead?” I asked with a grin.
He nodded sheepishly. He then looked at me. “How did I turn into a pony and you turn into one as well in less than a second?”
I shrugged. “I can make reality roll over and play fetch if I want, I just avoid doing it.” I glared at the door. “I know I locked that…”
“I think there’s a spell that automatically unlocks them if there’s people in a room,” Mandible explained.
“That makes sense.” I glanced at him. “I have quite a few cauldrons to clean, plus prepping ingredients for next week. Do you know cleaning spells, so I don’t keep you here ‘til Tuesday? Do they even teach cleaning spells anymore? I don’t want to do the ‘In my day!’ thing, we’ll be here all day,” I said with a laugh.
“No, not really…”
“Well, let me teach you! That way chores at home will go faster. You just want to be careful, or else you’ll bring your brooms to life and they won’t stop sweeping or fetching water.”
Once I was done, he said, “You’re right, that would make things a lot faster.”
“Mmm-hmm. … I can’t keep a secret or lie to save my life, it’s going to be difficult to not call you Mandible by mistake,” I said with an apologetic grin.
“Well, it’s nice to have someone use my real name, you can use it if we’re alone together.”
I gave a snort. “No one in their right mind would be ‘alone together’ with me. Thanks though. Try not to get detention again for a while.”
Mandible nodded.
I got out a chopping board and a knife as well as a mortar and pestle and got out the ingredients. “Oh, shut up,” I snapped. Mandible gave me a worried look. “Sorry. I talk to myself a lot. My conscience doesn’t like me to handle sharp objects given my track record, but I really shouldn’t chop this stuff with my teeth.”
Once the supplies were cleaned and the ingredients safely stored for later, I said, “Thanks so much for the help, even if you had to. See you tomorrow! Room 2B, right?”
Mandible nodded and walked out.
That afternoon I walked into the drama class. I was impressed, I’d taken drama in middle school, but this was on a different level. The classroom was fully of masks, props, and fliers and posters from various plays, it was a kind of visual candy land for the easily distracted. I stuck my head into room 2C, and practically started to drool. The entire room was a giant wardrobe of costumes, and it was HUGE! Discord came by his love of dress-up from me, that one I knew.
Mask pulled me away. “We’re heading into the auditorium to practice.”
I nodded. Curtain spotted me and handed me a binder of sheet music. “Here’s the piano parts, we’re starting with scene 8 today, so the song is ‘Heart as Dark as Winter.’” I puzzled at the name of the song but flipped to it and began to quickly scan. I got only the piano part, if there were lyrics, I didn’t know them.
When we walked in my jaw dropped. “This is amazing! You guys have an orchestra pit! Do we have an orchestra for plays?!” I asked with a manically wide smile.
Curtain stepped back slightly, before she said, “Often, yes, but this is a new play, so it’s only been written for piano. I don’t expect you to be able to play it today, but if you could-”
I sat down at the piano, whipped open the lid, and played Heart as Dark as Winter. Flawlessly.
Curtain’s mouth fell open. “Are you some sort of prodigy?” she asked weakly.
I shrugged. “I’m most likely off-the-scale genius, but I’m shiftless, I suck at math and science, and I have less than no common sense, so it hasn’t done me much good,” I said with a smirk. “But… I learned piano, finally, and practiced hard enough to be good at it. What’s the name of the play?”
“‘Winter for Grogar,’” Mask supplied, “It’s a musical retelling of Gusty the Great’s overthrow of Grogar.”
“Grogar? Musical?!!” I asked in shock. I glanced at Mask. “And, you’re Grogar?” He nodded. “This I have to see…”
“Is something wrong with the play?” Curtain asked, puzzled by my overreaction.
“No, but somewhere ‘Out There’ quite a few people are laughing at me,” I groaned.
Mask hurried off to get changed. When I saw him in costume, my tail started swishing back and forth slowly and my eyes narrowed. “Passable,” I said, not explaining. I glanced at Curtain. “Please give me my cue when it’s time.”
Once the rehearsal got underway, Curtain nodded at me and I played the opening to the song. When Mask began to sing, I got six notes wrong and then stopped playing, my jaw hitting the floor. Mask trailed off.
“Is there a problem?” Curtain asked sharply.
I shook my head. “No, no! Sorry.” Wow, I muttered softly, switching voices by mistake. I played the intro again. The song and scene went flawlessly.
After the day’s work was done, I went up to Mask and said, “Has your voice finished changing yet?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I’m fourteen,” he deadpanned.
“Sorry, stupid question, you’re right. Umm … you could go very, very far with a voice like that. That’s a serious gift, don’t waste it. You shine when you’re on the stage. You made a good Grogar, and that’s not a compliment I give lightly. I … should go get to work, bye!”
I no sooner got to my classroom than I felt Mask behind me. “Yes?”
He gave me a funny look. “You’re thousands of years old, right?”
I nodded, “Is there a point to that, or are you just going to insult me?”
“Did … you ever meet Grogar?”
I started putting bottles back on the shelves and locking the cabinets. “No, but I knew him quite well.”
“What does that mean?”
“What it means. Anything about him you want to learn from a living fossil?”
“Did he really eat children’s souls?”
“WHAT?!!” I yelled, dropping a bottle which smashed on the counter. A lime green liquid ate through the counter and partway through the floor before it fizzed out. “Thank God that wasn’t anything dangerous,” I sighed in relief. “That’s going to be an interesting talk with Celestia…”
I looked at Mandible. “Grogar was an insane, evil tyrant who made it his mission in life to make everyone else’s life a living hell, but even he had standards! He might smack a kid for being too loud, hyper, or aggravatingly happy, but he’d never actually hurt one! Adults were fair game though…”
“So, what did he like to eat?”
I thought about it. “Pears. He didn’t like them when they were ripe, they had to be crunchy. Ripe fruit’s just mush,” I said with distaste. “Where did you here that he ate children’s souls?!”
Mandible shrugged. “It’s what ponies tell their children apparently.”
“Joy. What do Changelings say about him?”
“We’re honestly a lot more afraid of you, sir.”
“Double joy. That’s all I’ll say for today.” Mandible grinned evilly. “What?”
“Does this mean I can cheat on my history tests off of you?” he oozed.
“Find a different immortal for that. Good thinking, but I’m not going to promote cheating. Now scoot.”
Mandible nodded and headed home.
That evening I couldn’t stop thinking about Grogar. I hadn’t thought about him in years. I sighed and headed into the bathroom to comb my mane. I glanced up. Instead of my reflection, Grogar stood in the mirror, grinning wickedly with his sharp, sharp teeth, evil burning in his red eyes. Before my heart beat again, I’d smashed the mirror as a reflex.
You’re. Dead. I snarled at the ghost of the Father of Monsters.
“Yeesh. That’s bad luck,” Apep commented.
I rolled my eyes. A pair of beat up sneakers landed on the kitchen table, spilling the salt. I walked over to the door, pulled my umbrella out of the stand, opened it, and held it over my head. I teleported into the city, limboed under the first ladder I saw, teleported to the nearest black cat and spent a few minutes petting it, teleported to the woods and trampled on a circle of mushrooms, then popped into an actor’s dressing room on opening night. Good luck with Macbeth! I said cheerfully. The actors screamed in horror as I teleported out. That oughta do it… I spat, winding up back home.
Alexis rubbed my back. “Breathe. It’s ok…”
Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to jinx myself so badly, because that night I slept, and more importantly, I dreamed…
I was walking on a relatively new planet. I was shaped like I had been when I was human. I hated the way that shape felt, had ever since I’d been born into it, but it was … familiar. I was invisible, but there wasn’t really anybody to see me. There was life, but nothing more intelligent than animals. Although the list of what qualified as “intelligent” life grew shorter and shorter the older I got. Maybe they had it better than we did. Missing the feeling of fur, I shifted into a human-shaped lion and sat in a field, watching the clouds drift overhead.
A soft yipping sound drew my attention. A red fox walked over, giving me curious sniffs. He wasn’t afraid of me, but he didn’t know any better, and I’d gotten along supernaturally well with animals even when I was alive. Becoming a demiurge made them trust me unquestioningly. I scratched the Todd under the chin, earning happy barks. He had the prettiest green eyes. Oh, what the hell, I thought, I guess it was inevitable knowing me…
I reached out and gripped one of the fox’s forepaws. It morphed into something much more like a hand the limb gaining muscle and shifting as well. I stood up, and pulled the fox to his hindpaws as well, his body stretching and shifting. By the time we had both gotten up, I was holding hands with an anthropomorphic red fox, who was a head shorter than me. He was in pretty good shape, and newfound intelligence blazed in his eyes. Instant evolution is probably cheating, but I was there, and so was he, so why not? He wiggled his fingers in amazement, looking further down his new body. His eyes widened, his ears flattened, and he clapped his hands over his crotch, letting out an embarrassed whine.
I chuckled. I waved a paw, and he was wearing a primitive set of pants. I didn’t say a word, I wasn’t sure if he could speak yet…
He opened his mouth. “Kcckk… graaa’k… What … you?” It wasn’t English, or any other language I’d learned, but I was able to understand it, and reply in the same language. Magic rocked.
A friend, I replied.
“Friend?” He was confused.
I’ll teach you. What’s your name?
“No … name…”
Well, let’s find you one, and make sure you’re not the only person here. There’s lots of animals here, I can make others like you. I put an arm around his shoulders and began to walk with him…
My dreams shifted…
A lone stallion struggled through a blizzard; unaware he was being watched. Finally, he came to what he was looking for, a massive stony building that resembled a skull. To his surprise, there were no guards, and the door was open. The inside of the structure resembled a cave that had been carved into a home, but it was dry, and more importantly, it was warm! He spent a few minutes feeling the life flowing back into his bones before he set out, uncertain of where to go. In a large room he saw what looked like a throne against the wall, made of rock carved to look like bones.
As he stared a deep voice behind him made him jump and squeak in surprise. “It’s even less comfortable than it looks, but sometimes aesthetics take precedence…”
He turned and saw a large blue ram with dark blue horns, blood-red eyes, a white mane and goatee, and teeth far sharper than any ram had a right to. He was wearing a large red collar which a large bell hung from. “You – y-you’re – you’re…”
“Grogar,” the ram replied coolly. “Current ruler of Equestria, although some might say ‘tyrant’ is a better word. Apparently, they call me ‘Grogar the Terrible’ behind my back. What brings you to my lair?”
“My name is Silver Blade; I am from the town of Haycart. This blizzard has frozen our crops. I was sent to plead with you to provide food to my people!”
Grogar nodded. “Ah. Yes. I apologize; you’re no use to me dead, and I have no quarrel with your town to make them suffer. I will send food and supplies to them. You are a long way from home, Mr. Blade, and you look half dead. Please spend the night as my guest, I will have food brought and have you shown to your room. We may speak more in the morning, after you are rested.” With that, the evil ram seemed to vanish into thin air.
Silver shivered, although not from cold. Someone cleared the throat politely. He turned and screamed. An animated skeleton in a torn jacket was staring at him eyelessly. “Itttsssaaaliivvviinggg….” The skeleton said in one slow, dry breath. “Follllowwwmeeeesssssirrrr…”
No magic could truly bring back the dead, such feats were on the levels of gods. Necromancy did exist, however, but you only got a crude copy of life. In the best cases, you simply got a servant or a pet out of something’s corpse. In the worst cases, what you made tore you apart before becoming inanimate once again. It was the ultimate taboo in magic, so for Grogar to have animated corpses for staff…
Silver was shown to a comfortable guest room and brought a warm bowl of very good soup, and a large piece of bread, with butter & honey! Such luxuries were beyond the common folk at this point. All the more reason for tonight…
Late that night, Silver crept through the lair. No one seemed to be about, not even the servant who’d shown him to his room. He found Grogar’s room, the ram sprawled out on a large bed, snoring loudly. Making no noise, Silver pulled a dagger from his cloak, raised it above the sleeping tyrant, and …
He was suddenly thrown against the wall. Grogar chuckled darkly. “I don’t sleep much; I tend to have bad dreams. ‘Silver Blade’ is an unusual name for a farmer, but not for an assassin,” he said flatly. He got out of the bed and walked over to Silver, who was pinned to the wall by an invisible force. “I knew what you were coming here for before you did. You told mostly truth, you really are from Haycart, and your village desperately needs food. I’ll keep my word and provide for them. You on the other hoof…”
“Please,” Silver gasped, “Don’t kill me!”
Grogar smiled. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m not even going to harm you. In fact, I’ll make sure you’re well taken care of.”
“T-thank you, my lord.”
Grogar booped Silver on the nose. “Beep, beep, you’re a sheep.”
“What?” Silver blinked in surprise. “I’m not a – aaaaah!” he bleated, his fur and face shifting. He began to shrink. In less than a minute a lamb was against the wall, his cloak having slipped off of him.
Grogar picked him off the wall and began to stroke the frightened thing. “Shh… it’s ok,” he whispered soothingly. Silver was now no more intelligent than an average sheep and had no memories of his former life. Pretenses aside, Grogar knew he was an evil being, but he always kept his word.
Grogar stepped into a shadow and arrived at a farm he’d been to before. When the farmer spotted him, he yelped. “Lord Grogar!”
Grogar held the lamb out. “I’ve brought you a lamb. His wool is of the finest quality, it will fetch you a good price with each shearing. You may have him as a gift, on the condition that you treat him like a prince and allow him to die of natural causes. Preferably old age. I do not want to find out that he wound up in a stew.”
The farmer nodded hastily. “Thank you, my lord!”
Grogar simply nodded and vanished once again.
My dreams shifted yet again.
Grogar stepped out of his lair, red lightning forking down from the permanent storm that surrounded it. An army of unicorns surrounded him, led by a certain Pegasus.
Grogar raised an eyebrow. “So. My little ponies finally grew backbones. Only took you three years to work up the nerve to rebel. But how brave do you truly feel?” A circle of dark magic blasted out of Grogar, hitting every pony around him.
Each pony began to scream, whimper, plead, or go numb as they experienced their worst fears. Gusty shook herself out of it first, and noticed smoking tendrils flowing from each pony into Grogar. “He’s feeding on your fears!” she shouted. “It’s only an illusion! Together we are safe, and we can defeat him!”
“I’d like to see you try,” Grogar scoffed, looking more powerful by the second. Eventually, the ponies rallied themselves out of their fears. “Your move,” Grogar said, without malice or joy. He looked … tired.
“NOW!” Gusty shouted. The assembled unicorns fired a beam of magic stronger than a thousand armies.
When it was done, Grogar applauded slowly. “Excellently done. That’s harmony, something you’ve lacked until now. Unfortunately, all that did was make me angry.” He held out a hoof and a sword made of darkness appeared in it. He threw himself into battle.
Accounts of the battle would inevitably vary, but if you asked Gusty, Grogar seemed interested in simply disabling his enemies in ways that would heal. He didn’t deal a single lethal blow. Gusty had heard stories of Grogar, and of the prize around his neck. She crept up on him, inching closer and closer … until she quickly unhooked the Bewitching Bell from his collar. Grogar’s sword vanished. The storm disappeared almost instantly. Grogar looked around in confusion.
“YOU!” he shouted. He readied himself to fire a blast of power at her. His eyes widened when nothing happened. He tried again. “I’m … … POWERLESS?!” he said. It almost came out as a squeak.
“And I’m not!” Gusty shouted.
With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff She looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. She walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.
In the shadows at the bottom of the canyon, Grogar dusted himself off. “Ingrates. I add a little strife and darkness to their lives to toughen them up, and all they do is complain. I wonder how history will regard me. ‘Father of Monsters’ has a nice ring to it. Shame about the Bell, though. … Well, I’m sure someone will find a use for it.” He grinned wickedly. “After all, evil artifacts are half the fun of any game…” Grogar dissolved into shadows, and then faded into legend.
The next thing I knew my alarm was blaring, my dream-memories fading. I sat up and covered my face with my hooves.
Musical… I groaned.
The two weeks passed quickly. Opening night was a huge success. After the last curtain calls, we all walked out, I was trying to slink away. Curtain Call was walking next to Mask, who was still in his Grogar costume and practically glowing. Being able to feed on the support and love of your fans would make acting a rush. He’d been amazing in the role and made Grogar surprisingly sympathetic. When he fell to his death, your heart ached, before you remembered who he was, and cheered that he was dead.
“Nicely done, piano player,” Curtain said with a grin.
“I can’t feel my fingers,” I groaned, trying to rub life into them. “I’m just glad it worked.”
“Well, future plays we should have more than just you to carry us.”
“Future-?”
Curtain smiled. “If you’re willing, I’d like to hire you as the drama club pianist. I’d be a fool not to use something right under my nose. It’s only a little extra pay, and adds to your schedule, but-”
“I’ll do it.”
“Thank you. Right, I think there’s some hot chocolate in the lobby, you’ve earned it.”
I nodded and dashed off.
Curtain slugged Mask’s shoulder playfully. “Way to go, freshman! He’s right you know; you could probably be on Bridleway with your talent and looks. I expect you to keep it up.”
Mask nodded and opened his mouth. There was a sound like the tick of a clock that dragged out and died, and Curtain froze. Mask waved his hoof in front of her face and snapped his fingers a few times. “Professor Curtain?!!”
“She can’t hear you,” a deep voice rumbled. Glowing red eyes shone in the shadows. Mask squeaked as a creature of legend and nightmare stepped into the light. Grogar would have looked a lot more intimidating if he wasn’t holding out a Styrofoam cup of hot chocolate. “Here,” he said, giving it to Mask. “It’s quite good.” He gave a sharp-toothed grin, eyes glinting with wicked mischief. “You did a good job of playing me, and I would not say that to many. The story was almost entirely poetic license, it didn’t happen that way at all. I enjoyed it though. Keep up with your studies, you could rule the world if you wanted to. And for My sake, don’t get detention this week!” Grogar finished with a wicked smile before he dissolved into shadows.
Time started again. I walked back into the room from the lobby, sipping on a cup of chocolate. “I think they put vanilla in this! It’s amazing!” I glanced at Mask. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” I said with a smirk.
Hearth’s Warming that year was interesting. I’d been resting in bed when I heard hoofsteps on the roof. They stopped and there was a clanging sound before there was a loud thud downstairs. Now wide awake, I grabbed a metal baseball bat and crept downstairs.
A voice was grumbling, “Someone’s never heard of a chimney sweep…” There was a loud sneeze. I peeked over the stair railing. A stag wearing a soot-covered red suit with white trim was dusting ash off himself. He was wearing a very familiar red hat with white trim and a white pom-pom on the end.
I dropped the bat in surprise, and he glanced up. Nicholai? I asked in shock.
Nicholai stared at me like a deer in headlights. “You can see me?” He blinked. “Wait … Arachnos?! Is that you?”
I nodded. How have you been?
“The job is going well, thank you.”
I’m glad I could give it to you all those years ago.
Nicholai grinned. “No one’s called me by my birth name in years. These days I’m called ‘Santa Hooves.” The job has some nice benefits: immortality, the ability to travel the world in one night, granting wishes.”
I nodded. That lonely scared fawn I found in the snow has turned out very well.
Santa grinned. “Well, you phrased it in a way I couldn’t exactly refuse. I-” The room began to shake.
“Oh, no!” Santa and I said in unison.
There was a scream of, “SAAAANNNNTTTAAAA!!!!” A black bullet knocked into Santa knocking him down.
Apep, get off of him! I snapped.
Apep did, tail wagging furiously. “I haven’t seen you in years! It’s so nice to see you. I’ve been a VERY good boi this year!”
He has, surprisingly enough, I confirmed.
Santa looked nervous. “You didn’t ask me for a thermonuclear smart missile again, did you?”
“That was a joke!” Apep said, looking offended.
Santa sighed and pulled out a book labeled, “The List.” He opened it, flipped through it and found a particular page. “Apep … you made the Nice List. Barely. You asked for … oh, Lord…” Santa glared at Apep. “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THOSE KINDS OF ‘TOYS!’’
Apep shrugged. “What? I’m an adult.”
I felt nauseous. “You two sort it out. I’m going to make you a thermos of cocoa for the road, bring it back in the morning.” Santa nodded.
Alexis had slipped out of bed to join the conversation. “Couldn’t you have asked for a board game?”
“I have needs and wants the same as anyone…”
There was a bit of shouting as I worked, I tuned it out. Let’s see … cinnamon, vanilla, bit of peppermint, whipped cream… I bottled it up.
Here you are! Did you three figure it out?
None of them looked happy, but they nodded.
Then I really don’t want to hear the details. Safe journey, Nicholai!
Santa nodded, took the thermos, and disappeared back up the chimney. There was a decent sized pile of presents for 3 under the tree.
Right! Bed for you two!
The next morning, I glanced at the tree. My Hearth’s Warming tree wasn’t exactly traditional. The ornaments were different festive spider ornaments, ornaments from geeky interests I’d had when I was alive, as well as 3D-printed holiday versions of Ogres and Oubliettes monsters. Not exactly cheery, but very me, and I liked it.
Out of morbid curiosity Alexis and I craned over Apep’s shoulders when he opened his main gift.
“Oh, good grief…” Alexis muttered.
“Well! I’m going to enjoy that…” Apep said.
“Not in our bed you’re not!” Alexis snarled, baring his fangs.
What did you get Alexis?
“Some more painting supplies!”
Great, I look forward to another work to add to your gallery!
Apep grinned. “Let me guess. Books, knitting supplies, and Ogres and Oubliettes stuff?”
Oh, how well you know me!
Alexis sighed. “You know you’re going to have to find an actual group of real-life people to DM for, right?”
I nodded. Yeah … One day. I pulled them into a hug. Happy Hearth’s Warming guys.
It was still Hearth’s Warming break at the school, so I was sitting in the Canterlot Zoo, watching the tigers pacing back and forth. I’d spent entire days just watching the tigers, and I most likely would again. To my shock, my phone rang, the ringtone a remix of Spider Dance from Undertale.
I had two phones, one for my life here, which had a fairly generic ringtone. The one that was ringing, however, had been from my life on Earth, and the number of people who could call it wasn’t very high. I hadn’t even brought that phone with me. I reached into my bag and pulled it out. Instead of a number, the person calling showed up as an emoji version of the Eye of Providence. There wasn’t really a way I could call that back…
“H-hello?”
“Good morning, Mr. Phelps,” came the reply.
“What.”
An image of me appeared in the air before me, mostly translucent like a hologram. “The individual you are now seeing is known by many names and titles. Today is a special day, it is his birthday.”
I thought about the date. “Son of a gun. I forgot my own birthday.”
“Mmm. Yes. Your mission, should you choose to accept it,” the voice on the other end snickered. “I love how they always make it sound like they have a choice.” He cleared his throat. “Your mission is to help this Good Boy have an amazing birthday. Equipment you may find useful has been place at your castle. If you feel a need to dramatically look through photographs and pick the same team members you do every episode, be my guest.”
The voice was familiar, I didn’t know why. “Who is this?!”
“My code name is Smug. We have spoken before.”
I remembered. “At the beginning of the universe, and in ancient Anugypt, right?”
“Yes. Oh, one more thing.” In the tone of voice one would use to sing a funeral dirge, he sang, “Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday. Misery in the air, people dying everywhere. Happy Birthday…” The last note was deep enough it went into a vocal fry.
I started laughing, that was my family’s favorite birthday song.
“Have a good one! I’ll be seeing you soon! This message will boop in ten seconds.”
A spectral hand appeared and booped me on the snoot. I scrunched my muzzle up at the contact. The call ended. I pulled up my phone history, but it hadn’t shown up.
“That’s … weird… Something at my castle, huh?”
I glanced around to make sure that no one was looking and teleported home. Walking into my hall, all I could say was, Good grief. Did Bubble Berry get in here?!
A large banner screamed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” in Comic Sans. There were so many balloons I could barely see the walls or ceiling. They were all blood red. I pulled one down. In white font, it read, “I ♥ Derry!”
I shuddered. Oh, boy. Please tell me nobody hired Pennywise as my birthday entertainment…
I spotted a note taped to the wall. It read, “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Your home is still 100% Lovecraftian Horror disguised as evil clown free. 😉 P.S. Try the kitchen…”
Feeling nervous, I headed in. There were a few small boxes on the counter, and another note. Opening it, I read, “If I wanted to give you a number of candles equal to your age, your castle would most likely have burned to the ground. Serious fire hazard that, one of the downsides of immortality. Fear not, cake has been provided! Cake is sacred, after all. Praise be to cake. Don’t let Apep and Alexis swipe it off of you. They have their own.”
Inside of one box was a piece of tomato soup cake, and inside the other box was a piece of carrot cake, both with cream cheese frosting.
My favorites! I cheered.
Under the box of carrot cake was yet another note. This is starting to feel like a scavenger hunt… I thought. I unfolded it. I nearly spit out my cake. “Well, if I wanted to do a scavenger hunt, I would have, but that’s more fun with more people. Making you run around and freaking you out by leaving notes that seem to read your mind is much more fun! Bedroom’s next!”
Who IS this guy?! Who can break into my castle when I’m not looking and leave gifts and decorations everywhere?!
Not knowing what to expect I entered my bedroom, a school of fish swimming by the window. There were a few boxes, each with a note attached. The wrapping paper was a festive spider pattern. I opened one at random. Inside were two smaller boxes, a small DVD collection, and what looked like the boxed set of a complete manga. I read the note that went with. “I know you where never really into manga or anime, but you’ll like this one, I promise! Beastars is best stars. Plus, it can’t turn you into a furry, you already ARE one. You’re going to get a crush on the main character, it’s inevitable, he is Best Boi. You’re going to wind up screaming at the two main characters to get over each other and kiss. They can pry Lougosi out of my cold, dead hands. We were robbed.
Oh. Wait. I’m already dead, and my hands are always cold, even when I was alive. Never mind. Just enjoy it.”
OOOOkkkaayyy… I said, feeling like I should back up slowly to get away from the crazy.
The next box had a very large graphics tablet and a book of digital painting tutorials. The note read, “You enjoyed drawing, get back to it! Well, free will, but…”
I blushed when I opened the third and largest box. Inside was an adorable, extremely huggable life-sized plush of Thorax when he was the Changeling King. The note read, “I figured you’d like this better than a body pillow … 😉. There’s a reservation for you for 6:00 at a great seafood restaurant in Manehatten. I suggest you put on a tie.” There was an address.
I wondered out loud, Who could know all this stuff about me?
I spotted a piece of paper sticking out from under my pillow. It read:
“OMNISCIENT - adjective
om·ni·scient | \ äm-ˈni-shənt \
Definition of omniscient:
1: having infinite awareness, understanding, and insight
an omniscient author
the narrator seems an omniscient person who tells us about the characters and their relations
2: possessed of universal or complete knowledge
the omniscient God.”
I snorted at what felt like a joke. Something that had been bugging me in the back of my mind finally clicked. I held up all the notes. This … this is my writing! Except neater. Who’d bother to fake my handwriting?!
There was a distant sound of somebody beating his head against the wall in aggravation at my cluelessness, but I may have imagined it.
Thank you! I shouted, not knowing if Smug or whoever he was could hear me.
That birthday was one of the best I’d had.
The rest of my first year at the school went fairly well, and at the end I walked into my classroom for 2A one sunny summer morning since finals week had a funky schedule. The students were all chattering happily. I sniffed a few times and made a face, seeking out a scent. “What’s that?! Do I detect the disgusting stench of self-esteem and confidence in your abilities?!! ON FINAL DAY?!! Well, we’ll soon fix that!” They knew me well enough to know that I was joking, and a few even laughed. I sat down. “Right If you’ve shown up and even slightly paid attention the last 2 months you know what the assignment is. Get your recipes out, you have 3 hours. Please try not to blow anything up, I don’t want to end my first year by sending one of you home in a mason jar. Clock is ticking!” There was a mad scramble to get supplies and ingredients before they were gone, and they got to work.
After I’d finished cleaning up and locking my room and office, I was surprised to find Celestia staring at me. “Yes?”
“Your first year went well,” she said with a serene smile in the tone of a proud parent.
I nodded. “Nobody died. Thank you for hiring me, am I tarnishing the reputation of your school yet?”
She laughed. “I’ll be the first to let you know if you do.”
“I’m sure. What do you want?”
She looked nervous. “Well, every summer I ask one of the staff here to attend the Grand Galloping Gala, and-”
“And I’m the new guy so I drew the short straw,” I surmised flatly.
“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” Celestia said, sounding mildly offended.
“The Gala used to be fun! You’d have fire-eaters and sword swallowers, and wild dancing until dawn. Now it’s just sycophants, fawning laughter, and snooty food that’s four pieces to the mouthful.” Celestia blinked in confusion. “I’ll go,” I sighed, “but I’m not exactly ‘high society.’ More ‘high anxiety,’” I said with a snicker.
“You’ll need a tux,” Celestia said.
“What do you take me for? Of course I have a tux! When is it?”
“June eighth at sunset.”
“See you then!”
The dreaded day arrived. All the fancy mares and stallions in their thousand-bit suits and carriages made me feel very out of place, even though I was technically richer than all of them put together. I still thought poor, I guess.
Pulling myself together, I headed in.
The night went all right for the first few hours. It was about what I was expecting at least. Nobody paid any attention to me and walked away with their noses in the air if I tried to talk to them. It really grated on my nerves after a while.
Not sure what to do, I came up to Celestia. “I think I’ll leave early, unless there’s something you need me for.”
“Please stay,” she said with a hint of pleading in her voice. “I’m sure you can find some way to entertain yourself. I sighed and nodded, I owed her that much.
I wandered the halls of the castle. Nobody was really around, but that was fine by me. In the lower levels, I spotted a door that made me pause. I’m going to get in trouble for this. To hell with it… I headed in and closed the door.
Upstairs in the ballroom, the party was droning on when everyone was shocked by slightly creepy music coming from downstairs.
“Wh-Where’s that coming from?!” A stallion nickered nervously.
“Downstairs,” a mare replied.
“It must be a demon!” shouted another stallion.
“Let’s drive it out!” shouted yet another.
Celestia was doing her best to bite back a smile, and slightly failing, she knew exactly what that was. She cleared her throat. “I think this bears further investigation!” She pointed dramatically skywards. “Down then!”
The entire Gala rushed downstairs two levels to what was almost the basement. Here the music was much louder. They found the source of the noise behind a door with a plaque next to it that read, “Music room.” The walls were shaking.
A mare glared at Celestia. “What’s behind this door?” she snapped.
Celestia couldn’t help it, the corners of her mouth turned up. “Possibly an organ?” she suggested. She wouldn’t be able to keep it in much longer.
The assembled stallions glanced nervously at each other. Each wanted to be seen as protecting his mare, and nopony wanted to lose face, but nopony wanted to possibly die, so…
“You go first,” a stallion said, shoving another slightly closer.
“Oh, no, no, I insist, you go first,” he replied.
“My company is worth five times what yours is!” the first stallion snapped.
Sensing that this could go on all night, Celestia sighed wearily. “I’ll open the door.”
They got in at about the key change. They stared in shock as I played the organ with a wide grin of evil satisfaction. Dust and plaster were raining down on me, along with the occasional shocked spider. A large red lever attached to the organ labeled, “Do Notte Pull” was firmly in the “On” position.
When the song was done, Celestia applauded.
I turned around. “Whoops. Wow. You, uh, brought the whole party…”
“I think they thought the castle was haunted,” Celestia said with a grin. She pulled the lever back into the off position. “I forgot this thing had a volume control. The sign’s there for a reason,” she said with a slight glare. “I’m surprised you can hear me after that…”
“Sorry?” I said with a nervous grin. There went my job.
She sighed. “Well, I think that’s all the … excitement … I can stand for one evening, thank you for coming everypony, and I hope to see you all next year!”
The nobles were just smart enough to get the hint and trickled out.
I sighed. “I’m fired, aren’t I?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, I appreciate you livening up a dull evening in a safe way, but … I don’t think I can invite you back for a few years.”
“Woe. Agony. I can’t live with that knowledge.”
Celestia chuckled. “It is pretty miserable, isn’t it?” Her eyes narrowed mischievously. “Don’t think you’ve gotten out of it, I will be inviting you back in a few years, so try and show some self-restraint next time. By the way, what song was that?”
“Oh, just one of my favorites from growing up. Good night, your majesty.”
“Good night, Maroon.” She snickered. “You might want to get that suit cleaned…”
I glanced at the mess I’d made. “Possibly,” I said with a grin. “Hope you can take some time to visit us at the school soon!”
“I’ll do my best; it certainly beats holding Court.”
My second year went about the same. Hearts and Hooves Day rolled around in early February, and I felt myself growing nauseous at the amounts of love on display. In the staffroom, I asked Bunsen Burner the Chemistry professor, “I’m feeling pretty sick, do you have any of those heart-shaped antacids with corny messages on them? No, never mind, I hate Pepto Bismol.”
“What’s wrong?” he said, looking confused.
“There’s too much mush in the air,” I said, pointing at a couple rubbing noses in the hall.
Bunsen chuckled. “Don’t you have any romance in you?”
I nodded. “Sure, but I got rid of it.”
“I’ll bet you don’t believe in soulmates either, do you?” Curtain Call asked with a grin.
“No, I definitely believe in those, I’ve seen them. Some people are just made for each other. I’m just an old fart who doesn’t have one. I would have met them by now…” A random spike in my brain chemistry pulled up a relatively recent memory: ‘Oh, yes, I am the father of tickle monsters!’ and a squirming, laughing Changeling.
“Well, luckily you’re heartless, you’ve got detention this afternoon,” Bunsen teased with a grin.
“I’m not heartle- oh, fine! Anyway, what trouble could a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers possibly get up to on a day like today?” What sounded like a battle raging began in the hall, along with horrified gasps and cheers. As the rest of the staff streaked out, I sighed. I shouldn’t have said that…
To my surprise, the fight had been between Mask Note and Forward Pass, the school’s hoofball champion. They’d been patched up by the nurse and were both sitting in my classroom, arms folded, burning a hole into the wall in front of them with their gaze. They were NOT looking at each other.
I was busy pacing. “Of all the idiotic -! You do know you should be getting at least a suspension for calling him that, right?!”
Forward growled. “Why? He is a-”
I cut him off. “Unless you’re talking about a type of kindling, that’s a serious slur, and I’m not going to stand for it, I don’t care HOW many wings your family donates!”
I glared at them. They had one chair in between them, and I noticed something unusual.
Pony body language was similar enough to human body language that I rarely had trouble with it, but ponies had additional limbs to express themselves with, most notedly a tail. “Talking” with your tail was usually not even a conscious thought. My tail tended to swish like a cat’s when I was upset, I managed to calm it down.
Mask and Forward were sitting as far away from each other as possible … except for their tails, which were laying on top of each other over the chair in between them, occasionally flicking with contentment.
Are they … holding tails?! That’s something couples do. Why would he call him that, beat the daylights out of him, and then unconsciously practically cuddle him? Why doesn’t Mandible mind? It clicked. I grinned and chuckled deviously.
The two teens looked up warily. “What?” Forward snapped.
“Pots and kettles,” I said with an evil grin.
“Uh, Professor Flask, what are you-?” Mask started.
I grabbed Forward’s face and examined his pupils. “Mm-hmm.” I put my fingers on his neck.
Forward swatted me away. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“Taking your pulse.”
“Why?”
“To see how fast your heart’s beating.” I walked over to the shelves and searched. I found a bottle labeled “Hopes & Dreams.”
I pulled a water balloon out of my desk drawer, poured the potion into it, and tied the knot. I glanced up and saw that Mask and Forward were edging towards the door. They froze.
I sighed. “Please understand this is for your own good.” I tossed the water balloon at them.
It exploded, but instead of liquid, smoke poured out. The two coughed. When the smoke cleared, they were surprised. Instead of my classroom, they were in a cozy home. The front door opened and a version of Forward who looked to be in his early forties walked in, setting down a briefcase and unloosening his tie.
“Are we in the future?!” Forward asked in awe.
I laughed. They looked but couldn’t find me. “No. There isn’t a potion for time travel, and even if there was, time travel isn’t something I mess around with. You’re still in my classroom. The Hopes and Dreams potion creates an illusion of your ideal future. It can also be inhaled for the same effect. Two can share the effect, seeing the same future.”
The older Forward called out, “Honey, I’m home!”
Mask’s jaw dropped as an older version of him walked out and nuzzled the other Forward. The real Forward’s face was beet red. He cleared his throat. He grinned. “So, your ideal future is being married to me, huh? Shoulda known you had a crush on me…”
“… This isn’t my ideal future,” Mask replied. Forward’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. Mask grinned. “Is it yours?” he asked.
“Well, it’s certainly not mine!” I called.
Mask’s eyes flashed green for a split second. He chuckled. “Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Yes. WHAT?! NO!”
Mask’s grin became almost predatory. He didn’t currently have fangs, but he was a bug on the hunt. “So … you want to marry me? Are you gay? Is that why you beat me up? You don’t like what you are?”
“No, where’d you get a crazy idea like that?!”
Mask lightly brushed Forward’s mane. “It’s OK,” he said soothingly.
Forward started stammering. “Listen, we don’t have to tell anybody, all right? I’m sorry for what I did. We don’t have to ever talk about this again, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of your life, I’ll pay anything you want, just please-”
Mask leaned in and gently kissed him.
Forward’s eyes widened, his pupils changing to light pink hearts as heart bubbles formed around him. Kid had it bad.
As the kiss ended, the illusion of future domestic bliss faded out and the two found themselves back in my classroom.
Mask grinned smugly. “How was that?”
Forward blinked. “Hurr der werp?!”
I chuckled. “It might take a bit for his brain to reboot…” Forward nodded, blushing furiously. “So, you kissed another male. You’re not any less of a stallion, you’re not broken, you’re not an abomination, you’re just gay. It’s been known to happen. The next time you have an identity crisis severe enough to try and bash someone’s brain in, DON’T LET ME CATCH YOU! You two are in my classroom for detention, and in here, I’m God. You’re both going to write a one-page paper on what you like about the other, and how you both could have handled things differently. After that, you’re free to gallop off into the sunset or whatever. I need some water…” I stalked out.
Forward looked at Mask. “I’m, uh. Sorry. For everything. Teach was right, I was taking how I felt about myself out on you. I had no right to do that.”
Mask grinned wickedly. “That’s ok. You can just date me, and we’ll call it even.”
Forward’s tail starting wagging furiously enough to stir up a breeze.
When I got back inside, I rolled my eyes. “Oh, brother.” I held a textbook above my head and let it drop to the floor. The two students jumped in surprise at the thud. “Detention now, epic make out session later, ok? Start writing, and as always, use proper spelling and grammar.”
As the two pulled out notebooks and pencils, Mask was surprised to hear my voice in his mind. ‘You know you’ll have to tell him what you are if you want to be a serious couple, right? Doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but if you fall in love with him, you owe him that much.’
Mask nodded, figuring I would hear his reply. ‘I know. He’ll probably hate me, but I think you’re right. For now, I just want to savor this.’
‘Well, you two do make a cute couple…’
After the two had left, seeing as it was Hearts and Hooves Day I sighed and pulled my heart out of my body. Nothing, it wasn’t even beating. I’m not heartless, it just got broken one too many times… I put the damn thing back where it belonged.
Early into my third year of teaching, a traveling pony promoting the Harry Trotter series visited the school. To get the younger students interested in the books, he had a genuine Sorting Hat he’d enchanted to act like the real thing.
I was the oldest person in the line to the rest of the staff’s amusement, but I couldn’t resist. After sorting everybody in front of me, I sat down and awaited the verdict.
The hat barely touched my head for half a second before it screamed, “THERAPY! Oh, DEAR GOD, THERAPY!!!!”
The marketing pony quickly yanked it off my head. “I’m so sorry! It’s not supposed to do that, I swear!”
The hat was trembling like a leaf. “It’s so dark … and cold…” it whimpered.
I sighed. “I think it got that right actually,” I said without amusement. “Thanks anyway…” I slid off the stool.
“Oy, vey…” I muttered. “I didn’t need to be told that by a hat!”
That year’s Hearts and Hooves Day, to my surprise, after school Mask and Forward walked into my classroom. Mask was sweating nervously. “C-can you make sure nobody comes in here?” he croaked. “I’m not sure where else to do this…”
I had some idea what might be going on, but I locked the door and disabled the antilocking charm.
Mask took a deep breath and faced Forward. “OK, just remember I’m still me, and I still love you. Try not to freak out too much. Not everybody has to come out of the closet twice,” he joked.
A flash of green fire, and Mask’s disguise fell away. If you’d never seen a Changeling before, they were pretty alien, and you would freak out.
To Forward’s credit, he didn’t freak out or run away, he just asked, “What?!”
Mask sighed. He stuck out a hoof, his leg full of holes. “Hi, Forward. My name’s Mandible, and I’m a Changeling. We’re a pony-like species that can shapeshift and that feeds on love. Almost nobody trusts us, so when we’re not around other Changelings, we live as other creatures. I disagreed with the way my Queen ran things, and ran away from home at a young age, and I’ve been living as Mask Note ever since.” He shifted back into Mask. “I’m also stupid levels in love with you, and I don’t want to lose you. But you need to know who and what I really am…”
Forward took a few moments to process all this. “Can you go back to the other way?” Mandible nodded and did. Forward circled him. “You’re like … a bug alicorn?”
Mandible chuckled. “Basically…” Forward stuck in finger in one of the holes in Mandible’s legs. Mandible squirmed and giggled. “Hey! That always tickles a Changeling, don’t do that without permission.”
Forward chuckled. “You’re pretty cute babe.” A light blue dusted Mandible’s face as he blushed. “So, this is who you really are?” Mandible nodded. “Do you have to hide it?”
Mandible sighed. “It’s for the best, trust me.”
“Well, when it’s just us, you can be yourself. I kind of like it.” Mandible grinned, showing off his fangs. Forward leaned in and kissed him. He blinked. “Huh.”
“What’s wrong?” Mandible asked nervously.
“Nothing, I’m just not going to enjoy a kiss without fangs ever again,” Forward admitted, his face burning. Mandible chuckled. Forward pulled him into a hug and started stroking the fin on his head. “I love you babe, thanks for trusting me this much…” He pulled away. “Can you fly?!” Mandible nodded with a wide grin. “Oh, I’ve gotta see that!”
“Maybe not on school property…” Mandible said with a nervous grin.
I chuckled. “You’ve really grown, Forward, I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah, I guess I have …” He glanced at me. “You knew Mas – uh, Mandible was a Changeling, huh?”
I nodded. “I have for a little over a year, yes. I figure it’s his secret to tell people, not mine. I’ve got secrets of my own,” I said with a mischievous grin. A horn sprouted from my head with rainbow magic surrounding it. I sighed, changing to my other voice. Ironically, I’m the only being in existence with a rainbow aura, and I’m not gay. Surely that should have gone to someone who deserves it more…
“… What … are you?” Forward asked nervously.
Mandible started to speak up. “He’s-”
I’m whatever I want to be, that’s all. Don’t you two have a hot date or something? I asked with a grin. It’s Mush Day.
Mandible chuckled. “You’ve never had a date for Hearts and Hooves Day?”
I haven’t dated in … quite some time. I’m pretty sure the temperature and climate of one version of the afterlife would have to drastically alter before I attempt to do so again… Anyway, get going!
The two dashed off.
That spring, I was surprised to be approached by Celestia. “What can I do for you?”
“We were able to hire a pianist for the drama club. Curtain says you were good, but you probably shouldn’t be working two jobs. That said, I’d like to ask you to open a club. You’ll have to pay for supplies and see about funding for activities, but it can be anything you want!”
“Anything?!” I asked, my eyes lighting up.
Celestia’s eyes widened in horror as she realized what she’d just done. “YOU ARE NOT BUILDING A TORTURE CHAMBER IN THE SCHOOL!”
“OK, that was my second choice,” I said with an eye roll. “Relax, it’s nothing to worry about, there’s no Satanism to blame here!” Celestia looked on in worry as I pronked away with a newfound spring in my step.
Celestia had assigned my new club a room, and she stood outside the door, feeling nervous. “OK, Arachnos, what horrors have you got in store for me this time?” She plastered on a smile and opened the door. “Hey! How’s it… OH, MY GOD!!!”
I hadn’t even noticed her come in. I was staring at a salad bowl full of small plastic objects with a crazed gleam in my eye and a smile that would make Pennywise cross the street. “YYeesssss…” I hissed reverently, “Cllliiiccck cllllaaaccckkks…”
That bowl of dice was one of three, totaling about 2 & 1/2 thousand dice. Ten enormous cabinets along the walls were filled with hundreds of 3D printed miniatures, and a 3D printer was set up with a program to make custom minis, along with a pricing guide. Bookcases held sourcebooks and add-ons along with tactical dry erase maps. There was a banner for each Ogres and Oubliettes Class hanging from the ceiling, and a sign.
The sign read, “RULES:
1. The DM is always right. Anger them not.
2. Murderhobos shall be hunted down and strung up by their intestines.
3. Give everyone at the table a chance to shine, it’s a GROUP activity!
4. Return materials when finished.
5. Deface my books and they’ll never find your remains…
6. HAVE FUN!”
Celestia managed to close her mouth. “You … uh … you don’t teach for the money, do you? How much was all of this?!”
“It’s an investment,” I said with a shrug.
Celestia nodded. “An Ogres and Oubliettes club? I should have thought you’d do something along those lines. I think that’s a good idea, given our usual student population. I just have one request.” She pointed at the rules. “Please make that sound like something that wasn’t written by an ax-murderer!”
I gave a laugh. “Done, Tia…”
It was the last day of school, and my last class of the day was holding their final. As always, advanced potion making was busy brewing.
A student raised a hoof. “Professor Flask? Do I put the porcupine quills in before or after the-?”
I cut him off. “It’s your recipe, you tell me!” He thought for a few seconds, nodded, and went back to work. Thankfully there wasn’t an explosion.
The testing went well, at least until all hell broke loose.
There was some kind of shockwave we felt even in the basement, followed by a MASSIVE magic surge that had all the unicorns in the room gripping their horns in pain and made me go cross-eyed.
“What the Hell was-?!”
The entire school shook in some kind of explosion. Every bottle, flask, and cauldron toppled to the floor and all the potions in the mixed before they began to sizzle. “Oh, BUCK! RUN!!!!” They didn’t need to be told twice. Once all my students were out, I slammed and locked the blast door. I got to demonstrate why it was designed the way it was, something I’d hoped never to do. The hall shook as what sounded like rockets and fireworks went of in my classroom, with lots of flashes of light. Acrid green smoke oozed out from under the crack, but safely dissipated.
I looked at my students with no small amount of alarm. “IS EVERYBODY OK?!!”
They gave themselves the once-over. They nodded. “Oh, thank God. Right, you experience ANYTHING out of the ordinary, run to a magical accidents ER and tell them you were exposed to at least a dozen mixed potions.” I thought quickly, remembering the room before the blast. “OK, you’ve all passed your final. Congratulations! Go celebrate somewhere safe!” They streaked out. I made it up the stairs.
A rather large chunk of the school was missing. “What HAPPENED?!!”
“A dragon!”
“A dragon attacked the school?” I asked in disbelief. No sane dragon would do that.
“No, a student hatched a dragon, and he grew so big he broke the school!”
Oh. It’s been 8 years… The way time worked for me, it was honestly hard to keep track of the rest of the universe. “Are they … alive?” I asked weakly.
“Yes, he’s in Celestia’s office with his family.”
I dashed off. Celestia’s secretary for the school always annoyed me, but I could live with her. I tried the door. “You can’t go in there!” she shouted.
I rolled my eyes, ripped the door off its hinges, and leaned it against the wall so it could be repaired quickly. I stalked into the room.
Dusk Shine and Shining Armor were quite a bit bigger than the last time I’d seen them, but they were eight years older. Celestia had been in the middle of a conversation and was staring at me in shock.
I turned to Dusk’s family. “Hello. Congratulations on being accepted, I look forward to having you in my class in about 6 years. Well, I’m about to be fired actually, so…”
I rounded on Celestia like an enraged hydra. “ARE YOU INSANE?!!! I shouted loudly enough the room shook. “What possessed you to have a child hatch a dragon for his entrance exam? Did you bother to check how strong he was before then?! His levels are off the chart, even I felt that in the basement! My students nearly DIED, half the school is unusable now, and Arachnos knows if parents will let their children back here!”
“I – I’m sorry…” Dusk whimpered.
I turned to him with concern, my anger draining away. “Oh, no, I’m not mad at you at all. You did what was asked of you, and what you did? That was epic. I’m very impressed, which doesn’t happen often. It’s just that some ponies need to remember that sometimes boredom is safer than excitement,” I said with a glare at Celestia. “Is he alive?” I was met with blank looks. “The dragon you hatched? He’s OK?”
“He’s in the next room,” Celestia said softly.
I went to look. In a large and slightly frilly crib was a teeny purple dragon with small green spines. “Hello,” I said softly. Through some miracle, my outburst hadn’t woken him.
The others were right behind me. “I thought … since Dusk hatched him, Dusk should raise him,” Celestia said.
I gave a very horse like snort. “You’re asking a child to raise a child?”
“He’ll have help,” Night Light added quickly.
“Yes, from me too,” I said with finality. “None of you know anything about dragons, and books only help so much.” I grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled a slightly complex equation. “This is a fireproofing charm; you’re going to want to apply it to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. He sneezes? Fire. Burps? Fire? Hiccups? Three guesses. A dragon with colic is a nightmare. Dragons can eat and enjoy the same foods ponies do, but they also need gems of varying types for nutrition, it’s why they hoard them. Potions use low-grade gems as ingredients, I buy them wholesale from a dealer, it’s … uh... mostly above-board,” I said quickly with a wary glance at Celestia. “They should serve as food while not breaking your bank.” I scribbled some more. “Here’s my gem dealer, I’ll let him know you’re going to be calling him. I’ll pack up my office when it’s safe to go in, you should have somebody cast a couple of wards over the whole area. Thanks, it was fun while it-”
“Maroon,” Celestia said, snapping me out of it.
“Yes?”
She sighed. “You’re not fired.”
“OH. Well, I guess I’ll have to find a way to disappear once I break out of prison…”
Celestia facehoofed. Hard. “Oh, good grief! You’re not fired, you’re not under arrest!” She sighed. “I did test how powerful Dusk was, yes. I was very intrigued, I wanted to push him to his limits, and he passed with flying colors. You’re right. I didn’t think it through. I should have known better. Are your students OK?”
I nodded. “Through one of those inane miracles that keep cropping up in my life, yes. Is everyone else?”
Celestia nodded. “Yes.” Her mouth turned up in an impish grin. “You are quite possibly the only pony in Equestria who would call me out like that, I … could use that for a bit longer.”
“Hmph. If I’m going to be your conscience on top of everything else, I want a raise.”
“Are you … all right?” Celestia asked in a worried tone. “You haven’t been doing well for a week.”
“Today isn’t a good day for me, it hasn’t been for a while. Good luck gluing the school back together.” With that I took my leave.
Celestia glanced at a calendar. “Oh, stars, I’d forgotten…”
I was in the Royal gardens, slumped down and leaning against the base of Discord’s statue. Hey. It’s me. One of Celestia’s students broke the school today with a surge of wild magic. You’d have found that hysterical. Well, not the part where ponies were in danger, I hope, I’m not sure anymore…
I sniffed, and then tears started to run down my face. There was a clap of thunder and it began to pour rain out of nowhere surprising the entire city.
Happy birthday son…
So, like I said, very slow updates, but not canceled.
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Well, if you have inconsistent updates of THIS size, i see no reason to complain. Overall, a very enjoyable chapter.
HOLY HES NOT DEAD.
Yay more story to enjoy and by the fact that the rainboom happed things won’t year skip as often yay
10743043
No, it should be following cannon a bit more now, although Dusk's childhood won't take up a whole chapter.
Yay!
So the man has returned, and with another great chapter.
Very well done
Good lord that's a lot to work through. Also, was this world always Anthro? Did they always hand fingers and stuff, cuz I could have sworn they were the default versions...
10743120
There's an art example in the author notes of the 1st chapter.
No, they're not anthro, Arachnos just gave ponies paws with fingers for their front hooves cause he couldn't figure out how hooves could hold stuff.
10743028
I'm too stubborn to die!
10743134
Oooooh that's right... I forgot about that. Been too long.
To play This Organ, you need an Orangutan?
I got confused and thought Smug was Pinkie.
Or Kryten.
10743190
Nope, Smug is someone else!
An update! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sAXZbfLzJUg
Was a good chapter to read too
Objective, infiltrate into Sunbutt's school; Succeeded.
Objective, conceal identity; Horribly failed.
10743409
Celestia's not an idiot, and I've been described as having all the subtlety of an atom bomb, and I'm a horrible actor...
She thinks it's funny enough to let it happen...
Thanks Celestia, I am not the only one with this problem.
So not only he is well-verse in Creation, but also Shipping? I wonder if he is Cadance's mentor later.
10743439
I'm usually a good cook, but sometimes the house nearly burns down. I've never made pancakes again.
He had a shipping board all set up for the Mane Six.
Trust me, he's a shipper...
10743276
TY!
Yes!! The Great One rises once more!
10743520
Misread that as "Great Old One," lol
Huzza! An update! He's not dead!
Also great chapter, I really enjoyed it.
Sigh
I keep pressing the like button but it won’t let me do it more than once.
In all seriousness though, glad to see you’re still alive! Still one of my favorite stories on this site.
10743556
If you update this in just the right pattern, you might end up ascending to Elder God status eventually. Who know what would happen then?
Yeees.. Mooooreee..! Also lol.. he went as Sans for Halloween.. So I almost forgot that Chrysalis is also his daughter... that will suck.. soo.. wait he's cuddling a plushie of his potentially grandson? Awkward XD
10743819
Old great one ahhh
10743876
He planted a tree that created Chrysalis & the rest of the Changelings some time later, but the only person he considers his actual child is Discord, because Discord is sort of a part of him.
Holy shit that's amazing
10744861
Meme, I can't take the credit, but that's what would happen...
Love the 'I'm not dead yet thing. Also, MC is a dice goblin, nice choice.
10746121
And those are just the cheap, plastic dice he bought in super bulk for his students because at least half of them will roll under a table & disappear forever to another Plane of Existence every year. 😆 HIS dice are epic!
...
I'm definitely a dice gobbo IRL ... 😅
10746207
same
Ah, I still really enjoy this story. Poor God, he tries so hard.
10746353
He's honestly lucky he's only lost the one planet, although that one wasn't his fault...
I don’t know if you simply want the chapters long, but so we can read it quicker, I think you could split some of the chapters into smaller chapters. That way we could receive chapters at least slightly quicker. An example of that could be just because the latest chapter *spoiler warning* was the beginning of the teaching career doesn’t mean we had to read it all the way to Twilight’s acceptance(there could have been a slice of life chapter or 2). However, it is still your call at the end of the day, but thanks anyway
I'M NOT A DEAD YETI!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Well its about freaking time this story got an update. I thought for a while it was completely dead.
Does this mean that you can dance and sing and do the highland fling?
10822655
Awesome chapter.
It's a terrible day for rain..
But... what about Sunset Shimmer in this?