A pony with a very odd and unique look returns home to find his farm waiting for him. He thinks back, recalling how he ended up leaving home and changing his name, destiny, and sex.
Joker's my name. I'm a herbalist, farmer, and would-be adventurer. All those strange herbs that ponies need for medicine have to come from somewhere, and it isn't every farm that is willing—or able—to grow a crop of poison joke. So get comfortable, and let me tell you about what Spring means for me.
Contains: TF (Pony to plant, and back), TG (stallion to mare-like hermaphrodite), and a very silly pony.
The afternoon sun was heavy in the sky, and the light of Celestia's gift weighed down upon Equus like a warm, loving hoof. I couldn't help but pause and look up, my eyes alighting directly on the ball of bright, life-giving energy and study it. Love welled inside me for the simple gift that only Princess Celestia could give.
I got distracted, looking at the sun, but when the last sliver of it disappeared beyond the horizon, I felt a shiver and was broken from the spell. That was how I always ended a day, ever since I became Joker.
Luna's light streamed down, and I had no trouble trotting along towards home. The walk from Ponyville wasn't a long one, but being the last leg of a journey that spanned Equestria made it seem to be much greater.
Home was a farmstead just west of Ghastly Gorge, and south of White Tail Woods. The house itself was dark—it was only me living here most of the year—but I could already hear the sounds of animals. Picking up my hooves, I trotted quickly the last bit of distance, but was careful to keep clear of the wooded area where most of my crops grew.
"Hazel! Clucks!" At their names, my two pet chickens came rushing out. They weren't chickens now, of course. With the plants I grew, and the woods as around them dense, strange magics often took a grip on critters. "I hope you both found plenty of snails while I was gone?"
Two clucking cockatrices rushed up to me and scolded me as only a hen could. "Oh come on, I was gone for one month!" My horn lit with blue magic and I reached to rub each of the "monsters" around their comb and neck. "Anypony sneak in while I was gone?" All I got in reply was more clucking, not that they could tell me anyway.
I reached my front door and opened it. A slightly musty scent greeted me, but it was one I was used to. Long trips were common in my business, but now that I was home I could relax for Spring. I froze in place at the thought of what was to come. A whole quarter of the year spent tending to just one plant: my namesake.
Reaching towards the little lamps one by one, I lit them with my magic. The lights burned blue until they had used up the little burn of my own power, then they lit up a nice, warm yellow-orange. The front of my home was a shop front. Small display cases held various dried, powdered, or resinous herbs, but it was the larger case to one side to which I felt pulled. Stepping over, the perfect blue flower of poison joke was held inside a time-stasis effect.
Just gazing upon it built a kinship inside me—a bond that once it had been forged would never be broken. "Just as I left you." I lifted a pale yellow foreleg up and lightly touched the glass case with my hoof. "Tomorrow, I promise."
Pulling away from the cabinet, I walked in a little daze towards the back of the room, and ducked into the main part of my house. A large mirror faced me, put there deliberately to remind me of who I was, and what I was. I was not just a joker, I took the slang term as my name. I am Joker.
A unicorn with soft yellow fur gazed back at me with the most intense blue eyes in existence. The blue coloring had just one peer in the entirety of Equus: poison joke flowers. A messy, unkempt mane and tail, colored a shade of green a little too light to be the foliage of a plant adorned my head and tail. I barely resembled the pony I had been when I left my parents' home.
"Evening Glitter? Are you still in there somewhere?" I looked at the mare in the mirror, and tried to match her shape to the stallion who had run from his coddling parents' home, desperate to see what his life could be. With a bark of laughter at my shape, I trotted towards the kitchen. "Life is too fun to worry!"
I floated a bowl down, and filled it with rolled oats. Next, a kettle filled with water and positioned over my little stove. A small puff of magic lit the kindling already laid in, but no sooner did I have the water heating, than there was scratching at my back door.
"That had better be you, Scruffy." I walked to the back door, not bothering to light all the lamps. No sooner did I unlatch the door than a timber wolf leaped in at me. Tumbling to my side, I gave no struggle against the huge monster that was busy licking my face. "Scruffy! I wasn't gone that long!"
Despite my protests, I wasn't going to be getting up until Scruffy had made sure he licked me "enough." Finally, the big canine jerked back from me and barked sharply. "Are you done?" My question got another bark, and set me to laughing. "It's good to see you too, boy." Rolling to my belly, I pushed my legs down and regained my footing.
"I don't suppose you saw anypony poking around?" All my question got was another bark. "I could never stay here all year, I would go crazy talking to you lot." I reached out with my magic and ruffled the twigs that made up Scruffy's neck-fur.
The kettle whistling interrupted our moment of bonding. "Just give me a moment, I could eat a whole field of clover right now…" Floating the kettle away from the stove, I poured the boiling hot water over the oats, using a spoon to stir it through. A dollop of honey mixed in, and a dusting of nutmeg and the porridge was complete.
The oats, hot and tasty, went down as well as ever. It wasn't what I normally ate for dinner, but tonight wasn't about putting on something fancy; I just wanted a quick meal so I could sleep. Settling at the table, I started to spoon up the porridge. It was too much, of course. I always made a pile more than I could eat. "Here you go, Scruff." For his part, Scruffy might have been nearly twice my size, but he always waited until I put the bowl on the floor to eat from it.
Gazing out the rear windows of my kitchen, I could see the soft blue glow in a grove of trees. "Tomorrow." I smiled at the promise. My thoughts wandered as Scruffy ate, and I remembered the first time, when I had first become a joker, and when the bane of herbalists became my salvation.
I was running. Of course I was running, my parents had demanded I put on a magic show for them and their guests. After all, their son had passed through his first year at Princess Celestia's private school, and none of their guests tonight had a foal in attendance.
My hooves took me far, clear across the city. Walking right up to the cliff edge, I sat there and let my back legs dangle off the edge. My years were planned out for me. I would continue at Princess Celestia's school (which I actually enjoyed, when my parents weren't showing up to check my grades) until I graduated. Mom had gotten an application already approved for the Canterlot Society of Wizardry, and I would start rising through the ranks there.
"My cutie mark is a vine coiled around a heart, and I got it while working in the school garden, but noooooo…" Using my magic, I lifted a nearby pebble and launched it off the side of Canterlot. At that exact moment a high-pitched scream cut through the air, one that was well-known in the big city. I turned my head to the railway station, and the idea hit me like a thunderbolt.
Standing up like I was in a dream, my hooves took me towards the train. My destiny had a firm hold, or so it felt, and when I walked to the top of the steps I stared at the side of the train.
"Where you off to?" A gruff, middle-aged pony was behind a counter; obviously the ticket counter.
My mouth moved automatically, and I looked up at the stallion station-master. "Where does this train go to?"
"Well now, you have to understand it is late. Normally this train would run clear through to Apple Loosa, or Dodge City, but tonight it stops in Ponyville."
I was reaching to my pouch—school pouch, of course—and plucked out the small bag of bits that held my entire allowance for the month. "A ticket, please?" My head was starting to take back control of my body, but that part of me was telling itself a lie that was so wonderful: just for a night, maybe two, I will be away from Canterlot. Collecting my ticket, I boarded the train for Ponyville.
The ride was short, and entirely downhill. It was full dark by the time we stopped in the little village—only little compared to a city. There was a lot of houses in the town, and I already felt my hooves carrying me from the station, through the town, and right up to the edge of the huge forest.
Geography had been a big class for me, I could tell every part of Equestria just by looking around, not that I had ever had the knowledge actually tested like this. My brain reasoned, "This is either White Tail Woods or the Everfree Forest. Dark trees. Foreboding. Definitely Everfree."
I don't even know why my hoof kept moving. I took a step. Then another. Finally, my head poked between two ancient trees and I could feel the weight of the forest pressing down around me. It was great.
The name of the wildest magic area in Equestria had never made sense before, but to my young, stallion mind it was perfect. Nopony would chase me into here, not at night. Even my parents would not come for me in the Everfree Forest. I had a whole night to spend where only I could decide what to do. Half of me was still outside the forest, but with a laugh and a jump forward, I embraced the wildest of wild lands.
My heart danced along with my hooves. I was free in a way I had never been before, and on the early Spring night the world was both more intense and less worrying than it ever should have been. I skipped and pranced, trotted and gamboled.
From one moment to the next, with my eyes closed, the forest around me dropped to silence. I froze and quickly snapped my eyes open. No huge predator stared at me. No monster that wanted to turn me to stone, or worse. Blue flowers. Soft, pretty, blue flowers were all around me. The moonlight somehow filtered through the dense canopy, lighting this one patch of greenery up.
Leaning down—careful not to step on any of the vivid flowers—I inhaled their scent and shivered. It was a beautiful sight, and one that gripped my plant-focused heart and squeezed. I took a step, or tried to. My back legs seemed caught on something.
Opening my mouth, I dared to speak in the silent glade. "What's going on?" Turning, I gently brushed the green leaves of one of the plants aside to see my hooves pressed to the soft, loamy soil. Pulling up on one back leg, I felt and saw the problem; something was anchoring my hooves to the ground quite firmly. Reaching down carefully with my foreleg, I touched the hard hoof, then pressed down into the soil and could feel the strange flesh below the ground. "Is that a root?"
My legs seemed to have pulled closer together, and I could feel an odd tingling in them. Searching around the dirt to work out how to free myself from the ground, I didn't notice the changes in my legs until I looked back up at them. My back legs had started to fuse together.
Real panic started to grow in me, and I could feel the tingling sensation running up my stifle. When it reached my groin, the entire world changed in an instant. Heat radiated out now, the tingling still spread, but the pulsing waves of pleasure and happiness overwhelmed any of my fears. My back legs stiffened and straightened, and I felt my body tilted and lifted up into the air.
The tingling spread onward, but I was no longer worried. The part of me that could still move—above my croup—trembled in anticipation. I looked down and saw my legs had melded together from hoof to flank. It wasn't strange anymore, it was just how things should be so that I could keep feeling happy and good.
The tingling, and a new stiffness, reached my shoulders and suddenly poured down my forelegs like an avalanche. I watched in delighted surprise as my forelegs tucked in against my body, then slowly merged into my barrel like they were melting and made of taffy. My neck stiffened next, and against my desires of watching my well-stimulated body change, I was forced to tilt my head upwards.
The moon was visible through the trees, and I felt my mouth curving into a smile. Laughter started for a moment, and I couldn't resist the tickling that seemed to spread over me for a few moments. Mid-laugh, with my tongue poking out, I felt the stiffness spread over my face. I was locked in that mad, happy smile, tongue poking out at the world as if everything was the biggest joke of all time.
My eyes rolled upwards, vision locking and fixed on the moon. I could see the dark shape of a pony head on it, but I didn't care. The laughter inside danced through my head, and I felt my body firm up a little more.
I was locked in place. I couldn't move a muscle—part of my mind even tried to argue if I had muscles anymore. Soon, though, the laughter inside filled me so much that even stray thoughts of worry, or confusion couldn't intrude. I relaxed into my new condition easily, kept staring upwards and grinning like a loon, but when the golden light came an explosive rush of happiness washed even the laughter away. The sun rose.
As ever, Celestia lifted it quickly from the horizon, settling it just within range of my eyes. For the first time in my life I could look upon the sun without pain, without soreness, and without the ability to look away. It was beautiful, amazing. I watched it spray its life-giving energy into the world.
The day passed easily. Nothing, it seemed, wished to disturb the plants I was stuck in. When the sun finally set, I felt the white-hot happiness of day lift, and was plunged into a cool pressure of the night. Before the moon could even rise, however, a blue glow above me flared.
For a whole day my vision had been filled partly with my horn, but now it was changing. I stared in mute fascination as the velvet of my horn peeled back like a banana skin, the widening splits revealing the glow inside. Without pain, without panic, I could only watch with that silly grin on my face as my horn blossomed like a flower.
My days drew on through spring. At first, I counted the hot-bright and cool-soft periods, but numbers were hard to think about. Eventually I just didn't care what was happening, so long as I felt either hot-bright or cool-soft. The hot-bright, however, seemed to skip a beat. It should have been hot-bright, but it was still cool-soft. Around me, noises cut through the silence of the forest, and I suddenly fell forward with a cracking sound from below.
I squirmed like a worm in the flowers. I had no usable legs, but I was able to think again. Cool-soft had run on too long, and not only were the plants around me confused, but so was I. All through the cool-soft, I squirmed and wriggled, until just as hot-bright started again, my back legs parted from each other, and I could feel my forelegs coming back together.
I relaxed for a few days, my mind slowly recalling what the hot-bright (day) and the cool-soft (night) meant, and by the time my forelegs had grown enough to carry me even my horn had reformed. I looked around at the glorious blue flowers, and felt a kinship for a plant unlike any I had ever felt before. Plucking one of the big flowers, I tucked it behind my ear and started trotting for what I hoped was Ponyville.
The memory of my first time frozen by the poison joke made my smile grow. To most, poison joke was a terrible weed that was to be avoided or destroyed. To me, it gave me freedom and the life I always wanted.
Closing my eyes to the glow of the joke, I thought about that first day back in civilization. The ponies hadn't treated me like baggage that is only unpacked for special occasions, they also didn't send me away. "Tomorrow." I looked down at the bowl Scruff was chasing around the floor with his snout. "I think it's gone, buddy." The bright blue glow of my magic levitated the bowl up, and the adorable sight of Scruff trying to lick it more make me giggle.
I washed the bowl, then set about preparing to wash myself. Topping a big pot up with water, I set it on the stove and searched for my tin tub. "It's been a while Scruff, where did I put the bath?" Though it didn't get my pet "dog" searching for the tub with me, uttering the hated word did scare the timber wolf into running clean out of the house and into the night.
With more room, I spotted the tub and lifted it down. Filling the tub was much slower than the pot, but it gave the water on the stove time to heat. With the tub almost half full, I reached a hoof in and swished it around the glacial water and sighed. Water always felt good, ever since that day. Some ponies might run and hide from the rain, but I often found myself just standing still, looking up at the sky with my eyes wide open.
The sound of boiling water pulled me from my contemplation. I turned to the pot and lifted it from the stove in my magic, and poured it into the tub. Frosty water met blistering, and they combined into a warm bath that wouldn't boil me alive. Climbing into the tub, I settled my legs into the water and folded them under me. I groaned in delight, and my muscles lost their knots one by one to relaxation and heat. Sinking as low as I could, the water was just shy of covering my spine.
I closed my eyes, not needing to look to know which cupboard my bathing accouterments were in. Bath salts were first, muscle-relaxing minerals that would bring me down from the long journey even further. I next dumped in some of the special soap that was a small concession to luxury. My mane and tail shampoo was set to one side, but I levitated my scrubbing brush up without hesitation.
The problem with traveling long distances and rough-housing with ponies who cared little for personal hygiene was that their less desirable level of cleanliness rubbed off, literally. Road dirt, along with all the smells of each place I had been in search of this latest treasure. That had been quite the find, and would be an important part of my week now.
Visitors weren't very common—normally I only got either a regular mailmare, or customers—but today somepony who was neither was flying along the path from Ponyville. She looked like a homely mare, gray mane and tail, and a light gold fur told me little about her, but when she landed at the front door and I caught sight of her cutie mark—a compass rose—I knew it was my pen-pal.
"Hi there, welcome to Jokers Wild." My voice seemed to change in steps, and today it was between octaves, making me sound like a colt on the verge of gaining his deeper, stallion voice. "How may I help the distinguished writer, A. K. Yearling? Or are we going by Daring Do today?"
"Oh come on, I am that recognizable?" My friend rolled her eyes. "What gave me away?" She strode forward and lifted a hoof, getting a reply from me in kind.
"You were flying." I gestured out the window, pointing to the sky. "As far as most of Equestria is concerned, A. K. Yearling is an earth pony. I don't know why, of course, it would be like me trying to not be a joker. Would you like some tea?"
"Tea would be nice, but the reason I was flying is that this is urgent. There is a tribe in southern Maretonia who worship a crazy plant. I didn't do so good at making friends with the tribe, but the plant seemed friendly… Too friendly by far!" Daring blushed, and I got the idea it had been quite the intense "friendship."
"So why urgent?" Despite my questions, I was already using my magic to pluck up a backpack, stuffing things into it I thought might be useful: trimming shears, machete, some packets of herbs I knew would calm an overly active plant, and others that did the opposite.
Daring sighed. "Caballeron." The name was known to me mostly from Daring's writing. "There was a reward posted for the artifact shortly after I left to find it, apparently. He didn't catch up to me before… before I ran into some trouble, but he will have a head-start now, and despite being unscrupulous, he is competent."
"Right. So some sort of crazy plant in the way…" My brain mused on the thought as I packed some rope and other gear for "adventuring," but as I was slipping in my magical unfolding stasis tank—for specimens, of course—I had a revelation. "Wait a second. You said the locals revere the plant as a god?" Daring nodded. "And it is stopping you from getting into some place where something shiny is?" Another nod. One. Two. Three. Four. Five… I was calm. "How big is this plant?"
"Well…" Daring trailed off, her eyes darting to the side. "You remember Daring Do and the Cursed Onyx?" It was my turn to nod. "The plant that—"
"That had overgrown the temple in vines and pods, animus grabbus. That was the book that made me contact you, remember?" I finished packing my essentials, and then grabbed another two packets of the calming agent. "What does this one do?"
"Not… not as such…" Daring trailed off.
I stared at the "ceremony" going on in the dawn light. My bright blue eyes ignored the wrath of Celestia's sun—right behind the temple from our position—but Daring was having to shade her eyes with a hoof. I watched as nubile young mares, decked in beads and gold, walked into the mass of vines with beatific expressions—expressions that soon turned to shock. The mares' sudden lapses into convulsions looked worrying.
We were hidden in the jungle just out from the foot of the temple, and we knew we weren't alone. Somewhere in the forest around the temple Dr. Caballeron also waited.
"So what do we do?" I turned to look at Daring, needing no change to my vision except to refocus on my friend. "Are we going to go charging in and join them?"
Daring Do's blush told me everything I needed to know, that she hadn't told me already. "N-No!" Daring's exclamation almost gave us away, so we both huddled a little lower to hide. "No. I… I don't want to go through that again. I need you to neutralize the plant just there." She pointed at the temple.
I leaned in against Daring's shoulder and sighted along her foreleg. "That is some of the thickest part of it!"
"It's the only place the natives don't go. There are some huge pods in there too." Daring adjusted her hoof to guide my sight to them. "Come on Joker, you are the best at this. I wouldn't come to you if you weren't."
Pride. It was a tool to some, a weakness to others. "Daring, look at what the plant is doing to those mares."
"I would rather not." Daring cut in before I could continue, almost derailing my thoughts.
I waved a hoof. "We are not going anywhere near that!"
Lifting the little blow-gun to my lips, I puffed on it again. Another tiny dart flew towards its target. No sooner did the yellow-stained tip of my dart sink into the plant's vine than it stilled. "You are getting the bill for all this. I am going to be completely out of snoozus dreamus powder at this rate."
I dipped another sharp-tipped dart in the goo I mixed up from the snoozus powder and loaded it into the gun. Stepping carefully over any vines that were asleep, the two of us neared the spot where Daring needed to get in.
"These pod things…" Daring lifted a hoof and reached up to touch one. I was about to shout a warning to her, but it was not needed.
"Do not touch that. Their pods release a cloud of dust that I have heard will have you in a state like those mares." Caballeron's voice was smooth as silk, and the stallion was cut from the same sort of cloth. Unshaven, but stylishly so, he was standing right behind us with a group of five big goons. "Daring Do, who is this delightful creature you have brought with you?"
I couldn't help the blush that hit my cheeks. Being a rather liberal stallion, at least at heart, I could certainly recognize Caballeron was handsome, but he had a genome that I didn't find attractive. "Joker. And don't look at me like that."
"My dear filly, I will look as I please." His tone would have been warm honey to a mare, but it was closer to a horn on a chalkboard to me. "Now, clear the way and I will pay you what Daring promised."
"Two thousand bits." It was the first thing that came to mind, and probably a lot more than I was going to get. I shrugged at the gasp from Daring. "What? You expected me to get captured. I am a businesspony, you contracted me to do a job. Now, you don't seem able to pay, so I guess I will find a contract of opportunity."
Daring's voice was full of scorn. "You are the worst, Joker."
I raised an eyebrow. "You aren't going to kill her, are you?"
"Daring Do? Of course not. That would be against the law." Caballeron drew a bag of bits from his jacket and tossed it to me. "That is half. Half when we get out."
"Oh, oh no!" My voice wavered. "And look at that, I am all out of plant sleepy-sleepy… If I had another half now I might have some more…" I looked at Caballeron with a half smile. The game was on, and if I were to ever betray a friend it would only be for a lot of bits.
"Ah, you really are a professional. Very well." Caballeron tossed me another bag.
Stowing the second bag, I started moving forward again. The first vine that snaked out towards me got a dart in it. I began mixing more of the stuff up, but I made sure nopony saw me change the mixture. "This is a bit silly. Daring was going forward so I could put anything that grabbed her to sleep. If I am going in front, and get grabbed, nopony can help you reach your destination…"
Caballeron stared into my eyes for a few moments, and I hated seeing admiration in his gaze. "Heavy, Thick, up front."
Having cleared most of the vines, the two point-ponies were unmolested all the way to the entry Daring had chosen. The trip through the temple was simple, not a single trap… that Daring didn't disarm. She was forced in front, made to deal with everything.
The statue was just as gorgeous as anypony would hope, and I could see why Daring wanted it out of the hooves of anypony seeking to keep it hidden. The way back to the surface was predictable, and not a trap remained to catch us.
Outside, the vines were starting to squirm groggily, the sleeping mix I used starting to wear off. "Okay, this isn't good." I looked right at Caballeron. "We run, okay?" He looked startled. "I mean it. I don't have enough of this stuff to get us out, and if it wakes up too much we won't make it out of here un… caught." I finished a little lamely.
"I must say, Miss Joker, I have met a lot of ponies, and could read each of them like a book." The charming stallion's mouth curved into a smile. "But I cannot read you." A moment passed, then another. If he was hoping to sweat the truth from anyone, a pony who spent up to three months a year motionless was not a good target. I looked back at him levelly. "Very well. Make sure the prize is lashed down well…" Once the assigned task was done, Caballeron laughed. "We run!"
I was right, of course. I didn't lie to a stallion who could pick a lie. I was completely out of the calming dust, so there wasn't enough to get out. The dozy vines wouldn't have been quick enough to catch us, as we ran. My blue magic floated my dart gun up, and I gave a puff.
Caballeron turned his head as the dart slammed into the dust-pod beside him. "Oh dar—" He didn't finish. The powder I had loaded the tip of the dart with surged through that clump of vines, and suddenly they were everywhere.
"How does this help?" Daring gestured forward with a hoof while I was unbinding her wings. "Now the statue is in the mass of… I can't watch this." She turned to look away as Caballeron and his cronies were caught by the vines.
"Simple. The drug I used will supercharge a plant's metabolism, for nearly ten minutes. After that, boom, out like a light!" I clopped my forehooves together. "So you grab the stuff and fly away. But my fee doubled."
"What? But Caballeron already paid you extra!" Daring was shielding her eyes from the already convulsing stallions. "Why do you need extra?"
"Because I can't fly. I have to walk through that, and I won't make it." My sigh that followed would have won an acting award. "I'll try to toss it back to you." I shucked off my saddlebags and stepped forward.
Vines found me quickly, coiled around my limbs and restrained me. It wasn't anything near as efficient—or magical—as poison joke, but it was passable. "Those mares mustn't have been told about this stuff." I grinned wide, chuckling a little. "They all looked so… so surprised." I giggled now, and charged my horn with magic. As the vines started to work on me, I grabbed the statue and heaved it back and through the air to where Daring was trying to avert her eyes. I saw her blush as my laughter increased.
The vines ran over the frogs of my feet, tickling and made me twitch. But it was when a flower-bearing vine reached up and puffed their dust in my face that I lost control. Peals of laughter rang from my throat, as "the giggle vine"—as it was known—started soaking up the happy feelings like the emotivore that it was.
Laughing and laughing, I couldn't get away from the dust, from the ticklish places the vines found, or from my own sense of humor.
"I just really don't like laughing like that." Daring Do walked beside me. She carried the statue while I carried my pack and my sample. "Losing control like that… I can't believe you are going to grow it!"
"Well, it was a great way to let off a little steam. I haven't laughed like that for…" I trailed off, pondering. "Forever. This, I think, will be quite a good payment." I heard Daring's sigh of relief. "But don't go thinking it will be my only payment. You told me, remember, how much you make from royalties."
Daring's reply was not suitable for T rated stories.
I woke to the first rays of sunlight coming through the window. Warmth filled me instantly, and I couldn't help but remember how it was to be more plant than pony, when the sun came up. A sloshing sound broke my focus, and I finally looked down and realized I hadn't made it from the tub.
"This is less than ideal." Standing up, I felt nearly twice as heavy as I should. A drying spell caused a flood of water to pour from my fur and tail, then another actually got me dry. Stepping free of the tub, my mind started to drift again, back to the first time I had entered Ponyville after the Summer Sun Celebration.
The not-quite-a-little-town-anymore had been cleaning up after a multi-day party, but spirits were high. That had been the first day of me being a joker, and had been when I chose my new name to reflect the changes in me.
A pink earth pony bounced right up to me. She seemed to vibrate from her hooves all the way to the tip of her snout. "A new pony!" Like a shot, she screamed and was suddenly gone.
"That was strange." I blinked at the cloud of pony-shaped smoke as it slowly dissipated. Walking further into town, there was ponies everywhere who were cleaning up the inevitable mess of a party. Without thinking twice, I lit my horn and started helping.
I froze at the change in color of my magic. From the first time I managed to make sparks from my horn, my magical aura had been a soft yellow. The intense blue surprised me, but not in a bad way. The plants I had become part of in The Everfree Forest sprang to mind. It wasn't uncommon for a pony's magic to change color as they got better with it, or with life-changing events, so my magic was just one more proof that the young colt who caught the train to Ponyville was no more.
"That flower is gorgeous!"
"Look at how perfect the petals are, and so intense."
"It's poison joke, you shouldn't touch it…"
I turned my head and blinked at the three mares staring intently at me. Well, two were staring, the other looked a little more worried than infatuated. "Uh, hi! Wait, poison joke?" I fumbled with a hoof in my shock, reached up and plucked the flower I had put in my mane. "Huh…"
"So what did it do to you?" The intensely magenta mare with lime-green mane seemed to step to the side, and continued to walk around me at a good distance.
A second, sporting a more pink fur and dirty gold mane, circled the other way. "Was it those petals around your neck? That isn't very funny…"
"You girls are the worst." The third mare, of yellow fur and raspberry mane/tail, was quick with her teeth, grabbing her compatriots by the tails and pulling both back to her. "My name is Roseluck, you can call me Rose."
Both the other mares suddenly blushed. "Oh! My name is Lily Valley." Lily seemed a little air-headed, but her beautiful smile wiped away any hint of ambivalence I might have had. "You can call me Lily."
I looked to the last of the three, and couldn't help but jump in on the introductions. "My name is,"—the blue flower on my hoof caught my eye, and I smiled wide—"Joker. My name is Joker." I lifted the flower back up and hooked it just behind my ear.
"Well, Joker, my name's Daisy. Just Daisy. Like yours is just Joker." Daisy looked at me with a smile that was both a little ditzy and hungry-looking at the same time. "Are you new in town?"
I knew this was a set up, they seemed to know it was a set up, but the rigid and unbreakable laws of small-talk required me to reply to the completely rhetorical question. "Yup, I got here… just today. Kinda figured I would help with cleaning up, it must have been quite the celebration?"
"The Summer Sun Celebration!" Rose's voice caused me to examine her more. She looked at me in a way that was more evaluating than desirous—something I could appreciate. "It got scary this year, when Nightmare Moon attacked, but then the new mare in town saved the day… literally."
"Her friends helped too." Lily gestured towards The Everfree Forest with a hoof. "Princess Celestia said as much." My attention, however, was drawn to Daisy.
"They will argue like this for hours." Daisy seemed about to step closer and put a foreleg around my withers, but then her eyes flicked to the poison joke tucked behind my ear. "We could leave them to it for… oh, an hour oughta do it. Do you like… flowers?"
A tiny alarm bell rang in my head. For just a moment the voice of common sense spoke to me crystal clear: "She is a mare, you are a stallion." Opening my mouth, however, spurred another voice inside my head to take control of my vocal equipment. "Not as much as they like me." It was cheesy, but suddenly I couldn't help but live up to my new name. "Was there a flower in particular you wanted to show me?"
The mare's giggle was more than enough to have my full attention, and I found my hooves pounding the ground, carrying me after Daisy. She wove between houses, and it wasn't until I almost ran into her that I realized the house we had walked behind must have been hers.
A huge greenhouse—almost as tall as her actual house, and about twice as long—dominated the mare's back yard, and I stood in awe of it. My cutie mark, and my destiny, seemed to burn to see inside. "Wow…"
"You should see inside." Leaving me to gawk a moment longer, Daisy trotted to a door into the glass sanctuary for all things sprouty and leafy.
I shook my head and trotted after her. "I would love to!" But something had changed about Daisy. She stood in the doorway looking back at me. "What?"
"The cost of entry… is the seeds from that flower." She pointed at the flower behind my ear. "I don't know how, but you seem to be immune to it, and I would really love to grow some…"
A major fact finally snapped into shape: she hadn't been staring at me, she had been staring at the poison joke flower. "Sure, but I think these flowers are male… the ones that grow on the plant, that is." I had no idea how I knew that, but it just seemed right. A shifting pressure deep in my belly had me go cross-eyed, however.
"Is something wrong?" Daisy guided me inside the greenhouse, and ushered me to a chair. The spot looked like it had been carefully chosen so that whoever was seated there could see the whole garden.
Sitting felt right, but there was some measure of restlessness about me. I stood up from the seat, and following my intuition, I moved onto a freshly tilled flower bed.
"What are you doing? I just…" Daisy trailed off as I sat down in the soft, loamy soil.
A rolling sensation poured through me, and I screwed my eyes shut as pressure built inside me. A good, hard shove down relieved the strain, and left me feeling very peculiar. "I… I am not sure what just happened…"
"Let me look." I was shoved aside by an excited Daisy, and while she looked at the ground where I had sat, another build up of pressure began.
Tensing, I pushed again, and once more the pressure went down. "What is going on? I keep feeling like I am going to…" I strained and the feeling happened all over again. "There! It happened again!"
"It's a seed!" At Daisy's voice, I turned around. "Look, Joker. I don't know what you are doing, but your belly is getting smaller too…"
"The heck… I am laying seeds!" I wanted to run, to get away, but I had the oddest feeling inside. I had to do this. I had to lay all the seeds somewhere nice, somewhere they would be taken care of. The warm greenhouse was probably the best place within miles, so there I stayed. Every time I laid one, I had the urge to move, to find another spot.
"Why are you laying seeds?" Daisy walked around the flower bed and looked me in the eyes. "And what plant are they from?"
Rolling both eyes up and into the same direction—the flower on top of my head—I gave the mare a droll look. "I will give you three guesses. This is crazy! Did you know poison joke did… did this?" I gestured at the soil behind me, disturbed only by my hooves and plot, and the seeds that lay within its embrace.
A sudden loss of the repeating pressure caught me off guard. I stood up carefully, and turned. There was no more urge to sit on the ground. All told, nearly a dozen seeds lay in the soil, plus the one Daisy was holding.
Daisy seemed excited. "Poison joke seeds? This is… this is amazing! Where did you get them?" She did a cute dance in place. "How did you get them?"
I opened my mouth, and was about to tell Daisy everything, when a sudden urge made me close my snout again. It wasn't the strange need to lay seeds this time, but my destiny calling. "That would be telling. But… next year, how much would you pay for more seeds?"
The door of the greenhouse swung open, and a struggle broke out between Rose and Lily over who would be first to storm in. "What are you two doing?! Leave our sister alone you…" Both mares trailed off their shouts at the same time.
"What are you doing?" Rose looked between me and Daisy, then down to the seed Daisy was holding. "And what's that?"
I reached out and took hold of my destiny. "That is yours, but the rest are mine." I traced back my drag marks in the soil and plucked up the seeds I had laid myself. Feeling roguish, I strode up to Daisy and leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll drop by when I can, we can swap seeds."
All three mares seemed stunned to silence. Taking the advantage, I strode up and stole a kiss on Rose and Lily's cheeks too. "Until next time!" Trotting out the open door, I heard three nervous giggles come from the greenhouse behind me.
I was just done brushing out my mane when I heard the front door bell tinkle. Blinking in surprise—and to clear the afterimages of my past—I trotted out to meet my latest customer and visitor. No sooner did I enter the storefront of my house than I beamed brightly. "Zecora! It's wonderful to see you!"
"Joker my friend it is good to see, and a new friend I have brought with glee." Zecora gestured behind her, where a young yellow-coated and red-maned filly stepped out.
The filly's eyes were wide with excitement, and she strode right up to me and lifted a hoof up. "Hi there. I'm Apple Bloom!"
"My name's Joker, as I am sure Zecora would have told you. Would you both like some tea? I have the most wonderful rose hips you have ever tasted." For Zecora, for a friend of Zecora's, my home was open. I led the two through to my kitchen. "Have a seat while I make something warm to drink."
"My visit is both to my friend, and to follower of horticulture trend." Zecora wore that smug smile I always caught her using when she made particularly complicated rhymes. "Your skills are most momentous, and to you Apple Bloom will apprentice."
I stopped in my tracks, but I didn't look at Zecora. I studied Apple Bloom even as she looked at me. No words came to mind for the filly, so I turned back to make the tea. "You need to test her first. I can't take on an apprentice who isn't a joker."
Curiosity was a powerful thing, and it was something that I still let possess me from time to time. Right then, however, it was Apple bloom who I could almost sense trembling with questions.
Apple Bloom couldn't keep the big one back. "What's a joker?"
"Catch." I reached up to the drying rack with my blue magic, and plucked out a half-dry duller blue flower. A toss and it winged its way to Apple Bloom. "Smell it. Explain the scent."
Carefully, she grabbed it out of the air with a hoof. I looked to Zecora with a raised eyebrow, but the zebrican just shook her head, not giving anything away. Looking back to the filly, I watched her close her eyes and press her little snout to the dry flower carefully.
I approved of her closing her eyes. With some magic I started the kettle boiling on the stove, and thankfully didn't have too long to wait. Apple Bloom's eyes opened and she looked right at me. That she had spent more than an instant to put her thoughts together was promising.
"It smells sweet, but there is somethin' more. Mint! It smells of mint!"
"And what does it taste like? Wait!" I held up a hoof and gestured to the flower. "Tell me what you think poison joke should taste like?" I had the satisfaction of seeing the filly gasp and start to throw the flower. Just when I thought her hoof would loose it across the room, she hesitated.
"Zecora told me dried herbs can be expensive…" Apple Bloom trailed off her thought and looked down at the dried flower in her hooves. "And that it was very potent like that. What is going to happen to me?" She walked over and carefully passed the expensive bloom to me.
"Don't you think it is exciting to find out? Everypony has their own… joke. For a prideful unicorn it might be a droopy horn, or a pegasus with a huge ego it might make one of their wings huge." I prepared the teapot. "But for some… for some ponies touching and breathing in the pollen of poison joke has no effect at all."
I held my breath and looked between the two adult ponies. Zecora had a curious smile, and I could see no sign of panic in her eyes. I let out my held breath and turned back to the strange unicorn who I only knew as Joker. "Uh, I guess it is excitin'."
My mind raced back to what had happened to my big sister and her friends; poison joke's effects had ranged from hilarious to disturbing, but Zecora had cured them all in the end. Deciding that whatever happened, at least Zecora could cure it, I turned my full attention to Joker.
Joker was an average height mare, with a ready smile and dancing, vivid-blue eyes. Pale fur, and a green mane were normal enough, but there was just something about her that seemed odd. It was like every pony in Equestria was an apple tree, and Joker would be a peach tree. The way my brain ran, using apple trees as a metaphor.
"Joker's methods are not usual, but I think you showed you are suitable." Zecora's voice couldn't make me break my attention from Joker. I watched as she lit her horn up and worked at brewing tea.
"Suitable? Ah don't understand." I looked down at my hoof, and the dried blue flower I held. "Zecora, you said I would be her apprentice?"
"His apprentice." Joker's feminine voice confused me more, and my raised eyebrow prompted him further. "I am still a stallion, no matter how I look. You could call this my joke, but it isn't really. Let me tell you the story of a young stallion—only a little older than you—that left his home to make his own life. Zecora vouched for you, so I guess I will tell you the story of a joker. The Joker."
I listened to his story, and it seemed fantastic. I had read all about poison joke in one of Princess Twilight's books, but they had mostly dealt with side effects. It came back that it takes nearly eight hours in some cases, to be affected, but that once the curse had hold there was only one cure for it, and it wasn't cheap.
Joker pointed to his chest. "It took years to reach this point, but despite all the changes I still think of myself as a stallion." The rose hip tea had finally finished steeping, and I watched as Joker poured it out into three cups. Something surprised me about everything he did, and I finally put my hoof on it; Joker treated me as an adult.
The reason I had trusted Zecora to come on this trip was because I wanted to find a job I could do. Apprenticing to her hadn't gone the greatest, I just couldn't get the hang of some of her potions. When Zecora had told me she would take me to somepony who would train me, I hadn't realized somepony as strange as Joker even existed.
I snapped from my contemplation as a cup and saucer floated to me. Reaching up, I took hold of the offered china. In the porcelain teacup was a rich red tea that looked every bit like the roses it was brewed from. "Thank you." The words came automatically; they were good manners.
"You are very welcome, Apple Bloom." Joker studied me for a moment. "Would you be offended if I used Bloom? If we are to work together, having to shout such a long name might prove… untimely."
The question surprised me because nopony—even my friends—had ever used that as a nickname, and I had never thought of my name as changeable before. In a moment of introspection, I turned and looked at myself. Except for the apple—almost hidden—on my cutie mark, there was nothing that marked me as a member of the Apple family.
"Zecora, Apple Bloom is the single most interesting pony I have ever met." Joker's tone snapped me from my contemplation. "I asked her for a shorter version of her name to call her by, and she looks like she suddenly had to reevaluate her place in the cosmos."
I felt the need to defend myself. "Ah was just thinkin'. You know the Apple family, right?"
"I think it would be hard to live in Equestria and not know the Apple family. They—and I suspect you might be a member, given your name—spread all over Equestria in search of the perfect soil to grow orchards in." Joker looked much pleased with himself. "That Apple family?"
"Uh… yeah." I lifted my cup up and sipped at it. The flavor of rich and delicious roses filled my palate, and swept my senses away in a rush of relaxation. "Wow that's good. Anyhow, my brother and sister work on the farm, an' they manage it just fine. I… I haven't told Applejack yet, but I want to work with herbs and plants more'n just apples."
Joker seemed impossible to read. Compared to my friends, my family, and their friends; he was an enigma. "Tell me, what do you know of rose hip tea?" His voice was mellow, smooth, like the tea.
"Rose hip tea is good for keepin' a pony… regular. And it helps with kidney problems. It weren't Zecora who taught me that, Granny Smith drinks it." I sipped more of the tea and felt the warmth of it spreading through me. I couldn't help but wonder if the feeling was the curse of the poison joke, but the logical part of my brain recalled that it would take most of the day for it to show.
"Those are two excellent uses. These particular roses also help you relax, and will ease foaling." Joker sipped his tea again, his eyes watching me over the cup. "It also tastes really good! Depending on how things turn out, I could take you as my apprentice, but you will have to continue to show me the things you already have, and I want to see more. Are you prepared to do that?"
"What've Ah shown you?" Confusion reigned, all he had done was throw a single herb at me.
"You caught and wouldn't risk damaging something you knew could be valuable, despite its negative effects. You trusted me—something that is very uncommon. And you show a willingness to gather knowledge from more than one source, and apply it. You also show personal interest in this trade, regardless of your cutie mark."
"Helpin' ponies with cutie mark related problems isn't exactly a paying job. It might make you popular, but it just…" I let out a sigh. I loved helping ponies with their cutie marks, it was what gave me the greatest and most wonderful feeling in the whole world, but… I realized my mental train of thought trailed off just like my voice had. "Ah'm good with plants, with herbs, and basic potions. Ah like helping ponies, and while this isn't exactly for cutie mark problems, I know potions and medicines do help everypony."
"Alright. Zecora,"—dramatically, Joker turned to look at Zecora—"why aren't you teaching her? She is smart, she wants to learn, she has talent… What's wrong?"
When I looked at Zecora too, she looked stricken. I had never seen her quite this distressed. "Her skills, grand as they may be, cannot help when zebrican magic she cannot see." She lifted a hoof out towards me and brushed my cheek. "Apple Bloom's talents are great, but of shamanistic talents she doesn't partake."
The words stung. They hurt more than any I had heard before from my friend and mentor. True words could always cut deepest. I dropped my drink—ignoring the lack of sound that proved it didn't hit the floor—and tried to run. I hated the words, I wanted them to be a long way away.
Before I could get a step, a leg wrapped around my shoulders, and I couldn't stop myself from diving into the embrace. "Ah jus' wanted t' help ponies!"
"There-there. You will help ponies, a lot of ponies." The voice of the pony hugging me shocked me a little, Joker had his legs around me, hugging me to him. "I'll teach you a different way. You will still make potions, work with herbs and other plants. Whether or not you are a joker, or even able to work with poison joke at all, you can be my apprentice."
I looked up at Joker's face. The lines of his jaw and his features might be soft, he might be the strangest pony I had ever met, but it was obvious he actually cared, and that meant a lot. "You can call me Bloom."
"A wonderful name for a mare who will work with plants. Bloom, let me show you around my little house." Joker gave a little squeeze to the hug and then started to let go. I felt conflicted now, but when I looked at Zecora—my first teacher in potion-making—I saw her wearily smile.
It occurred to me that she was really worried as to how I would react. She cared for me more than I realized, and it gave me a warm tingle, almost like when I thought of my mom. I had been brought up in a "huggy" family, so when I saw Zecora's reaction I barely thought about it, and rushed up to her to give her a hug. "Thank you."
I hadn't been hugged by Zecora before, and it was strange even now, but it was right at the same time. I owed her a lot, even more if Joker did apprentice me like he promised.
"It has been a pleasure, Apple Bloom. With the herbal arts, you were an honor to groom. But now I must leave you to your teacher, I have neglected my attentions to a very special creature." With a double rhyme given, not a common thing from Zecora, the zebra made her way to the back door of the house and opened it.
Stepping outside, I saw Zecora immediately tackled to the ground by a pouncing timber wolf. I was almost ready to yell, until I heard the zebra giggling. "W-W-What the—"
"That's Scruffy. He and Zecora go way back, don't worry." Joker's words did nothing to make the world seem balanced. I must have looked as confused as I felt, because I felt a hoof poke my shoulder. "Come on, Bloom, time for work.
Working in a shop proved a lot different to Zecora's hut, or even Princess Twilight's castle, although the latter was nearest to how neat and well laid out Joker's wares were. I had been told to straighten up all the jars in one corner, and to dust them.
Everything wore a label, indicating both the substance, and its age. I recognized a few, mostly outright cures for a lot of illnesses, and general herbs, but there were some dangerous ones. "What's this one do? Salacious succor?"
Joker turned, for what wasn't the first time. "It… it is not something a filly should look into, but you need to know. It calms a pony who is overexcited. Dried, it can be inhaled. It can also be steeped in water, then evaporate the water to produce a mild calming effect. It is addictive only in its dried state."
I blinked a few times, letting the information sink in. "Sorry if this—"
"Don't apologize. If you remember half of what I explain, this will all be worth it. How do you feel?" Joker's words reminded me that there was a magical curse slowly taking effect on me.
"Uh, nothin'. Is it meant to tingle? Should I feel anything?" I looked down my forelegs, then back and along my body. No blue spots. No strange shapes. I didn't have wings to affect, but nothing looked out of place.
"I don't have first-hoof experience, being a joker, but most people report a slight tingling… at least those with large effects do." Joker was pushing a broom around the room, cleaning up a strangely thick amount of dust. He must have noticed my attention on the clouds that kept appearing. "I am often away for long periods of time. While it would be grand to be able to spend all my time here, I often need new cuttings and seeds."
"You talked about what happened to you, is that all…" I gulped. "Is that going to happen to me, too?" Polishing the next jar, I noticed it was another dried bunch of leaves. My eyes flicked over the tag, and I recognized a pain-relieving herb.
"If you want it to. If you become a joker, I can promise one thing: it will make you closer to the plants than you would have ever dreamed. When you are bound in a field of poison joke, you become part of it. The sun gives you life, the water feeds your roots." The look of longing on Joker's face, as he spoke, surprised me. "It will be your choice, but you will be welcome in my grove."
Watching Joker, trying to see if he was living up to his namesake in regard to the description, I hadn't noticed how close my tail got to a jar, and it started to wobble in place. Spinning with a gasp of shock, I lifted a hoof up and steadied it.
"Quick reflexes. A surprisingly helpful trait in our line of work." Joker, done with sweeping the floor, floated a cylinder of opaque crystal up onto the workbench before him, and had my full attention. "This," he must have realized I was watching, "is giggle vine. I was on a bit of a forage, and a friend happened to help me get a piece."
My cleaning forgotten, I wandered closer to the work bench. "Why is it called 'giggle vine'?" Before I could react, Joker flicked a little of the dust in the bottom of the crystal canister up at my face. I snorted, then chuckled, then started giggling and laughing. It wasn't like it hurt, or felt bad; the giggle vine's spore did just one thing, it made you exceptionally happy. I had to wonder how addictive it could be.
Fighting down the bubbling laughter that didn't want to stop, I schooled my expression into as serious a big grin as I could manage. "That is,"—I couldn't keep a little titter from my lips—"really strong. It makes you actually feel happy. Is it really just a poison, or is it affecting something else?"
"That's what we need to find out. But first a viable cutting is needed; I am not going back to where I got this from." Joker was smiling just as wide as I was, but I could feel a serious tone underpinning his words. "Being a vine, we take lots of little lengths. I tasted the soil up there, it is moist loam, and a little acidic."
I blinked at the information, and filed it away as important; I had to assume everything Joker was saying was important in some way or another. "So we need to make some soil acidic for it? How much?"
"Good questions. It didn't taste too strong, so we could add a little special moss to the mix, or even use some vinegar. It was a tropical jungle around the plant, so warm and wet." A pair of cutters—floating in Joker's magical aura—hovered towards the vine he was manipulating.
"You have a greenhouse, Ah saw that when we were walking up to your house. That will keep any frost off it, too." I watched as small lengths were cut from the vine. "Does it need anything else?"
Joker finished cutting up the thinnest vine, stacked the small cuttings to one side and set his cutters down. "Happiness, near as I can tell. The vine is a little like a changeling: it feeds off emotions. Lucky I have an apprentice to regale with my jokes, right?"
I couldn't help it, I giggled at the prospect of having Joker telling bad jokes to get me to laugh and feed the vines, and to my surprise the cuttings he had just made seemed to squirm a little. "Wow!"
"Quite reactive to laughter." Joker tickled a vine with the tip of one hoof, and it curled up and tried to latch on. "I particularly want a seed pod, they seemed to have the most potent effect. Let's get these planted, and you can see what other things you can identify."
Walking out to the greenhouse behind Joker's house, I noticed Zecora carefully walking around the plants that were in the open, gingerly taking a leaf here, or a seed pod there. I glanced to Joker.
Joker raised an eyebrow at me.
I pointed to Zecora, who was walking along a row, carefully plucking just a single leaf from each of the plants. "You let ponies come and pick what they need?"
"I don't let just anypony do this. I trust Zecora more than most." Joker walked up to the greenhouse, and his horn glowed vivid blue. "There are rules in here: nopony but you or me may come in, don't touch anything unless you know exactly how to harvest from it, don't inhale anything, and avoid leaning into the garden beds." At my nod, he led the way.
Inside the glass-walled building was warmer than the spring air outside. Plants of all kinds grew in here, and I could start to spot why Joker had been so emphatic about his rules. "Sleep well, fever-few, is that…?" I pointed a hoof at a ball of what looked like goop, keeping my limb from straying anywhere near the actual gardens.
"A changeling pod. Despite their appearance, they are plants. Changelings cultivate them, and they grow within the changelings' mucous. King Thorax told me I could have this one, so long as I never shared a cutting of it." Joker turned and looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "You have a question."
"Why do you have it? What is it good for?" I watched the thing pulse and tremble, the goo containing nothing.
Joker's face brightened from its serious aspect. "It is a filter. All kinds of feelings go into the plant, and it expels good feelings into the goop. Happiness and love are waste products. I don't feed it enough, but maybe together we could get a more substantial crop." His sudden, wistful sigh caught me off guard.
"What's wrong?" I turned all my attention to Joker, ignoring the changeling pod.
"All of this—this apprentice thing—comes down to one thing: will you have a bad reaction to the poison joke?" Joker was staring into my eyes, and I couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious at his blue-eyed stare. "You really like the plants, don't you, Bloom?"
My brain had to connect the nickname with me before I realized he was after a response. "I do, but there is more than that. I like helping ponies, and that means potions, poultices, philters,"—I couldn't help but giggle at the look Joker gave me—"and more… I was on an alliteration roll." My explanation got a chuckle from Joker. "The point is, growin' plants, even dangerous ones, helps everypony. And as I said, I like plants."
Joker turned back to his garden, and with his head turned away I heard him mutter something softly under his breath, "Please." An empty row in the lines of plants was his clear target, and I watched as he used his magic to start turning the soil over. "As I said, the soil where it was growing was acidic, which means some peat would help." He nodded to a bag to the side.
I walked to the bag and looked inside. The coarse sack had a rich smelling moss inside. Grabbing up the bag in my mouth, I heaved it up onto my back. Stepping closer, I saw Joker's look of astonishment. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I am just not used to working with an earth pony." Joker used his magic to reach into the bag and pull some rich mixture out. Packing it down onto the garden bed, I was not surprised when he took a nibble of the stuff, screwed his face up, but nodded at his work. "Did you hear the joke about Doctor Caballeron?"
I blinked in surprise. "The-The stallion Daring Do always had to deal with?" He nodded. "Nope. I read the books'n all, but I don't remember any jokes about him."
"Good thing it wasn't, Daring probably hasn't told anypony else." Plucking one little vine out at a time, Joker started off licking the tip of the first, and pierced the special soil mix with the little twig.
"Hold on. Are you saying you know Daring Do? She is a made-up character!" I narrowed my eyes. "Is that the joke?"
Joker set the second little twig into the ground. "Daring Do is as real as you or I, where do you think I find some of these things?" He waved a hoof in the air, sketching a circle. "Anyway, where was I…? Oh yes, Caballeron. What is the best way to get away from Caballeron?"
I thought back to the books, and all the ways Daring Do had beaten him. "Was it throwing four shiny things at him?"
"A good one, but no. The trick to escaping him is his henchponies. After telling them where the treasure is buried, you point to a pile of shovels, and tell them to take their pick." Joker set another of the little vines in the dirt.
"Pick…Shovels…" I started giggling, my lips curling up into a smile. "That isn't very-very funny." I stumbled over my words as I struggled not to lose my composure. A moment later my laughter pealed out in the greenhouse, and I told myself it was probably some left over dust from the giggle vine.
Joker quickly planted the rest of the vine cuttings, and in the midst of my laughter I spotted them all squirming, and could visibly see little roots sprouting from the end of each. The sight sobered me. "Wow…"
Joker heaved a sigh. "I think a joke a day should do the trick. I would tell them to myself, but I have heard all the good ones already."
I tried to cover my mouth with a hoof, but I was giggling past it already. "Stop!" I tried to make the word sound important, like I meant it.
"Stop telling jokes? But that would,"—Joker pointed to the timber that was bordering the garden bed—"be terrible!"
"No!" I shook my head and backed up a step. "Not puns!" My grin was just as big as Joker's. "Please don't tell me you are branching out to puns!"
Joker froze for a moment, then I was grabbed up by his forehooves and spun around. "That was terrible, and great! Please never leaf!" Twirling around, he laughed as loudly as I did, and I couldn't believe how silly the situation was.
Giggling and spinning, we each gave the occasional pun to keep the laughs going. A soft knocking on the door of the greenhouse caused both of us to stop almost dead in our tracks. Lifting his hoof up to indicate silence, Joker crept to the door and opened it a sliver. "Yeeeeesssss?" His drawn out question rode up the scale, then back down again.
"Though things appear to be alright, your laughing gave me quite the fright." Zecora's tone spoke more of curiosity than real concern now, and I realized I had never heard her quite so interested in finding something out in the five years she had been teaching me.
"We were planting giggle vine." Joker sounded so casual about the action that moments ago had been an almost reverent ceremony. "I guess we wanted to give them some fertilizer. How are they doing, Bloom?"
Again, I took a moment to remember that it was Joker's nickname for me, before I looked at the garden bed. The change was amazing. Not only had the little vine plants taken root, but I could see leaves growing on them, as well as some that had nearly tripled in length. "Uh… they are doing well." I fished for an explanation, but nothing really came to mind. "I don't think anything will stem the tide of their growth."
I blinked rapidly at the silly pun. It was so completely unlike me, but considering Joker's infectious nature I smiled more.
Joker, on the other hoof, started giggling like a loon again. "S-S-Sorry Zecora, I need a moment." He closed the door in Zecora's face, and turned to me. "What put that-that seed of a pun-in your head?"
Clamping my mouth closed, I lifted both forehooves up to try desperately to keep from laughing. Staring at each other for several moments, I finally got my mouth under control. I lifted back my hooves, and gave a slow sigh. "I don't know, but it's starting to bear fruit."
Joker's eyes widened in shock, and together we fell to the ground and started rolling around with laughter. This time the knocking at the door was more insistent, and the tone of it wouldn't let us ignore it. Together, we both struggled to our hooves and while Joker walked to the door, I straightened up the bag of peat.
When Joker opened the door to find Zecora, he just held up his hoof in gentle reproof. "Please, don't even think of working a plant pun into a rhyme. I don't think either of us could survive that."
Zecora didn't look annoyed, but gestured back towards Joker's house. "Come inside you loon, you missed lunch, it's after—" Zecora seemed frozen in place, her rhyme not finished. She was looking over Joker's shoulder, right at the changeling pod. "A cocoon?"
"It's a plant." I trotted forward, giving both Joker and Zecora the impetus to move away from the doorway. "Oh, what's for lunch?" I fell in beside Zecora and Joker, and together we walked towards the house.
"I might have some apples, and there is always some porridge on." Joker almost seemed to prance. "This would be about the earliest a poison joke effect would start." He looked at me meaningfully.
"I don't feel any different. Hungry though." I just shrugged. "Maybe I am immune?" I froze at the sight of a cockatrice at the back door of Joker's house. Eyes wide in terror, I started to yell.
The scream died in my throat when Joker walked right up to the wicked beast, and tickled its comb. "How are you today, Hazel?" The cockatrice clucked a few times, weaving around Joker's legs with its long tail. "Haven't you eaten yet? There should be plenty of snails in the garden."
"My fault that may be, at my presence they did flee." Zecora took the chance to inspect one of the more wild creatures of the Everfree Forest. Reaching out a hoof to touch the former chicken, Zecora almost made contact when Joker knocked her leg to the side.
"Hazel gets a little upset when anypony but me touches her." Wrapping the cockatrice in his magic, Joker lifted her carefully to the side. For her part, the hen glared at him and gave a few scolding clucks, but nopony was turned to stone. "And if she gets upset, I get statues."
With the path clear, we all headed for the back door. On my way inside, I felt something brush my leg and looked down. Panic and terror froze me in place.
"Well that is odd. Hazel seems to like you, Bloom." Though his words were meant to comfort, I was too busy trying to deal with having a cockatrice tail wrapped around one of my legs. "Go on, give her a pet. The worst that happens is I brew some stone-b-gone."
The cockatrice clucked up at me, just like one of the chickens back on our apple farm. "D-Don't turn me to stone, please?" Reaching a hoof down, I stroked the monster's crest, and was surprised at how soft it was. The flesh on top of the cockatrice's head felt just like a regular chicken's, but their feathers seemed even softer. "Wow. You feel amazing." My hoof continued, stroking down to the animal's back, and over the minuscule, leathery wings.
I looked directly into the cockatrice's eyes, but no magic blasted me. "You just wanted some scratching?" It clucked at me, as if my question had an obvious answer. "I bet Zecora stirred up a snail or two in the gar… den." Before I finished the word, the cockatrice was off, clucking for all it was worth. "Hungry, too."
"Lunch!" Joker's cry was followed by an apple flying towards me.
Grabbing it in one hoof, I bit into one of the Apple Family's finest. And gagged. "What is this?!" My mouth puckered up, and my tongue recoiled in abject horror at what I was tasting. Spitting the apple out, a yellow lump lay on the floor.
"Huh." Joker tilted his head to the side, though I barely noticed it. "Here, have another apple."
This time I barely made the catch, but hoping that the taste of apple would rid me of whatever gag Joker was playing, I bit into it. Bitterness intensified, and my face seemed to screw up as all I could taste was the most horrible flavor imaginable. "Why do you keep giving me lemons?!" I spat the yellow lump of nastiness beside the first.
"I'm not." Joker looked to be having a great time now. "Bloom, I think we just found your joke."
"My what?" I looked from Joker to Zecora. "What do you mean my 'joke'?" The moment I asked, I realized the answer. Lemons. Lemons were my joke. They were the curse the poison joke inflicted on me. I slumped down onto the floor, and stared down at the horrible yellow fruit.
I could vaguely hear Joker describing the exact revelation I had just had, but it wasn't until I heard him say something about "hours" that I realized there was more to it. "S-Sorry, I was a little distracted. What was that again?"
Joker pulled a silly face at me, rolling his eyes to the side and sticking out his tongue. I blinked in shock at it, but started to laugh. "What're you doing?"
"Pulling you out of whatever mindset made you ignore me." Joker's words were shockingly insightful, and I couldn't help but be impressed by how he had manipulated me. "As I was saying. I can give you the cure now, if you want."
I struggled not to speak, waiting for him to finish.
Continuing, Joker plucked a lemon off the ground and studied it. "There are two cures for poison joke. The bath mixture—"
"Your apprentice already knows of that brew, she would be more interested in option two." Zecora bit into an apple to hide her grin, and I just knew she was butting in because I wouldn't.
"Right. The second mixture is an oral potion. Simpler to make than the bath mixture, but it takes up to a day to kick in." Joker raised an eyebrow in my direction. "There isn't much of a choice, the bath mix takes a complex mix of herbs, and is not cheap to make. So I will teach you how to brew the potion."
"Hold up!" I narrowed my eyes at Joker. "You mean to say I have to put up with this for a day?" I was about to add more, in anger, when I saw a warning glance from Zecora. I froze where I was, mouth open, ready to say more.
"Or you could travel back to Ponyville and gather the things for a bath. Either way, it would be goodbye." Joker tossed the lemon into the air, and then caught it in his mouth. Chewing away, I could see that while he didn't enjoy the fruit, he was getting it down.
Once more I was about to say something, but my brain warned me that I had missed what was said, for what I thought was said. I aborted giving an answer, and ran back over what Joker said. The choices were a bath mix or a potion. Both options were "goodbye."
I shook my head to clear any confusing thoughts, and looked at Joker. " 'Goodbye'? I don't understand?"
"I work with poison joke every day. There is exactly one commercial farm for it in Equestria, mine. The rest of my herbs are part of my business, but you will be working with poison joke every day." Joker's eyes seemed to flash with intensity, and I made sure to focus on the meaning behind his words.
"So if I can't put up with my joke,"—I took a deep, forced breath—"I can't work here."
"It would be a shame. You are a very clever mare, and I am excited to see how well you take to the profession. But you are correct; I have no use for a pony who cannot ignore the effects of poison joke." Leaving off, Joker turned to grab another pair of apples with his magic. "So, are you hungry?"
An apple flew towards me, propelled by Joker's magic. I stared at it before catching it with my hoof. Lifting it up, I put the fruit between my teeth. The moment when firm apple skin changed to soft lemon was obvious, and without further thought I bit down.
The lemon was so sour it made my lips curl, and my tongue retreat in terror. I screwed up half my face before I was able to chew a second time. The sound of Joker and Zecora laughing cut through my acid-borne terror. Part of me wanted to rage at both of them, but I realized the face I was pulling really was funny. "Yeah, laugh it up." I chewed again, and again, fighting past the sourness.
"You know me well, and my rhyming speech, but Joker's lesson to myself I did teach." Zecora's words distracted me from the flavor of the lemon, a little.
I gulped the bits of lemon down, and found myself licking my lips. Another apple floated towards me, and I sighed. "I'm never gonna get used to this." I caught the fruit, and bit into it. Again the sourness of a lemon hit my tongue like a lightning strike, and I realized the only reason the first one ended up going down so easily was that it had lost some potency in chewing.
"What Zecora would say—in rhyme, and if we gave her all day—is that this is her curse." Joker passed me a third apple, and reluctantly I took it. "Poison joke binds to a pony's body so readily, and without affecting their mind, that it is the best affixing agent for any potion."
Chewing on the third former-apple, I felt the flavor of it break apart the warring ideas in my head and bring me to a focused conclusion. "I wanna help ponies. I wanna work with plants. And I wanna work here." Stepping forward as boldly as I could, I grabbed up another apple and tossed it into my mouth. Sourness poured over my tongue, and each tastebud cried out in terror at what was happening to it. Chewing on the lemon, I dared the world to throw another thing in my way.
"You're not a joker, but I can confirm you have the constitution of one." Joker grinned widely, and his smile reached to his eyes and made them shine. "So how about you help me tend to some poison joke?"
Memories of the bright blue flowers swirled in my head. I remembered what happened to my sister and her friends. But I already knew what it would do to me, I could totally deal with it. I nodded and grabbed another apple enthusiastically.
Four days. It had been four days of working with Joker, and all I could taste was lemons. Every bite I took turned whatever it was into a lemon. Every sip of water, milk, or… anything; was lemon juice.
I couldn't deal with it.
The dinner before me looked wonderful; Joker had made a stir-fry of vegetables with some hay through it, but every mouthful I took felt like chopped lemons. For lunch, I had eaten some lemons, and breakfast had been lemon porridge. Every meal was the same, sour taste.
"Just about done-in by it?" Joker's voice startled me. I had another helping of lemon stir-fry on the thin chopsticks, and didn't even realize I was putting it into my mouth until he said something. I simply nodded. "The poison joke is just about ready to propagate, so you don't have much longer. There was something I have been looking at, however."
His statement perked me up; when Joker looked into something, it was always interesting. "Oh?" Chew, chew, chew. Swallow. Fetch some more lemon. It wasn't lemon until it entered my mouth, of course, but food just looked like lemons now—all of it.
"The potion isn't going to work. In your case the joke would turn all the careful work into lemon juice. How would you like a special bath tomorrow?" The words confused me at first. I tried to wrap my brain around what Joker had said. Thankfully, he clarified. "I'll make up the anti-joke bath tomorrow. But before you bathe I…"
His voice trailed off, and I could see real worry on his face. "What's the matter, Joker?"
"Tomorrow will be the start of the poison joke season. All the flowers will shed their pollen for a female flower to be painted with. The season lasts two months." Joker's words were more about poison joke propagation than I had ever heard in my life. "I need to explain some things about it, Bloom."
When Joker got serious, it meant very serious and personal things were being discussed, and he was very serious. I listened as he explained everything this time. He told me about the seed laying, and the long days spent swaying in the breeze, no more a pony than the plants around him. While he talked, I continued eating.
By the time he was finished—explaining how he had set up the farm with money from the first seed sales—I was finished with my food—my lemons. He was silent for nearly ten minutes before I thought to say anything. "You want some help with it?"
"I do, but I also have a task for you, Bloom, a quest." His words made my ears perk forwards in surprise and intrigue. Joker smiled a little. "Your joke is a powerful burden, and I am sure there is a way to gain temporary relief. Spend every second day in Ponyville, I am sure you could find most of what you need there."
"Relief?" I turned the word over in my thoughts. "Stop it turning things into lemons. Make it turn things into something else. Or make lemons taste better." I stole a glance at Joker, and saw him smiling. "How long do I have again?"
"As long as you need. But when I wake up and plant my seeds, we will have a lot of work to catch up on." Joker tapped the table with his chopsticks. "And there is more. There is something vitally important you need to know, Apple Bloom."
The first time in a week my full name had been spoken, I was a little shocked. "W-What is it?"
"It's your turn to do the dishes." Giggling with glee, Joker jumped up from the little table and strode to the hallway leading to our bedrooms. "I'll see you in the morning." His tone was cheery, of course, since he didn't have to clean a wok.
The sun was warm, and I was preparing the bath mixture for all I was worth. I watched Apple Bloom working in the glasshouse, and could admire the care she took with each of her tasks. I would rather have spent a year training her before leaving her to work on her own, but it wasn't like I had a choice. I could smell the pollen on the air, and each time I moved I could feel my tiny rootlets pull free of the ground under me. There was a full ten treatments in my cauldron, bubbling away; a small fortune of poison joke treatment simmering.
Reaching for a bottle with my magic, while stirring the pot with a hoof, I added the last ingredient to it, a few shredded pieces of poison joke itself. Potion making was like chess, and would take dozens of moves before you got it just right. The slightest mistake, or letting things go without attention, and your pot was full of gunky water, but nothing more.
Lifting down the ten jugs I had been preparing over the week, I began ladling the mixture into each. By the time I was half done, I had a spectator. "Hiya Bloom. You will probably want to get the tub ready. I'll just finish filling these, and then we can go out to the grove."
"I got the last of those giggle vines sprouting up. I might be going crazy, but some of them have specific tastes in humor. Some like the kind of laughs that physical humor brings, but others seemed to like more intellectual jokes. Well, the laughter from the jokes." I watched Apple Bloom set the joke book down on the counter beside me, with a bookmark in it.
"When you are in Ponyville, could you drop in to Princess Twilight and hire out a new book? That isn't going to tide you over for months." I decanted the final portion into the tenth bottle and set it aside. "Now, would you like to see a magic trick?"
Apple Bloom looked at me, expecting the trick right away. I shook my head and laughed. "Not here, come on out to the grove. It's time." Walking slowly, I made my way accompanied only by the sounds of nature around me. Apple Bloom, I had been delighted to find out, could hold her tongue when she thought the moment was right.
The trees loomed up around the little grove. I walked between them, even stopped and lifted a hoof to brush along the bark of one. Each step I took let me feel the earth under my hooves, and it was getting harder to make each step. At last, I broke from the trees into the clearing, and my heart soared. "Welcome to my home."
"It's beautiful. They're all blooming so bright." Apple Bloom's voice was soft, hesitant, maybe even reverent. I could have hugged her for acting so.
I got four steps past the edge of the treeline, my legs surrounded by glowing blue flowers, when my left rear hoof wouldn't lift again. I felt my roots plunging into the rich soil, and gave a happy little sigh. "Watch carefully."
My back legs started to slowly pull together, while my forelegs tucked against my barrel. It felt so right, so good, and I was surprised at how easy it was to share this moment with another. I couldn't turn my head to look at Apple Bloom anymore, but my mouth was still mine. "I can barely move. Soon I won't be able to speak. Here it co—" My tongue thrust forward, and my lips pulled into a silly grin.
Eyes locked on the sun overhead, I could no longer even think about my apprentice staring at me in surprise. Plants simply don't care about such things.
I pulled my tongue in and took my first breath of air in what I knew would be months—plural. Laying in a field of blue, I rolled to my back and stared up at the sun. Celestia's gift was wonderful, and just as powerful for me as Luna's was at night. I basked for a time, because I literally couldn't do anything else.
Not having forelegs didn't cause me to panic, nor did my horn looking like the wilted stigma of a flower. My brain was slowly taking control again, reaching out for nerve endings long ignored, and beginning the process of waking me from my time with the poison joke.
The air tasted beautiful, and while I could still feel plenty of energy in my body, my belly was starting to "wake up" as well. The day was slow, and passed into night.
When Celestia's sun came back again, it heralded a young mare leaning over me to look down into my eyes. I couldn't focus on what she said, so I just stuck my tongue out at her and giggled. She was the only thing that marked the day as different from all the rest. Night came again, and then another day.
When the mare leaned over me, and I blew a raspberry, she held something down to my lips. Confused about what to do, I tried opening my lips, and tasted amazing sweetness; what she splashed on my lips was pure water. I cried in joy at the amazing taste, and could have been in love with the mare for the moments she poured the life-giving liquid into me. She left again, of course, but she was a pony.
The days passed, and each day a little of my old self came back. It wasn't a fast process, but over the two weeks I lay in the field of poison joke, staring up at the sky, my limbs and horn regrew, and the pony known as Joker woke up fully.
"There ya are. Getting some of ya pep back, huh?" Apple Bloom's voice caused my ears to twitch in delight. They were the same language I had been hearing from her every day, but now I could actually piece them into something real. "Still not talking?"
"I can talk now." I smiled, and stuck my tongue out again regardless. "Thank you for the water, I—" I stopped myself from saying too much, the taste of the water had made plant-me think things that pony-me wouldn't. "It was very nice." Rolling to my side, and then my belly, I pushed up onto wobbly legs, and stretched.
Apple Bloom reached into her bag and pulled out an acorn. "You really tune out when you're—you're like that?" I watched in surprise as she tossed the hard nut into her mouth, bit on it, and then chewed the resulting lemon up with every indication of enjoyment.
"I become a plant, plants don't care what ponies do, we just want the sun, the rain, the soil." I narrowed my eyes on Apple Bloom, and watched her eat another lemon. "Your quest?"
"Ah got it sorted. Took a bit." Apple Bloom munched away happily on the lemon. "I'm not sure if it's exactly what you meant, but I can deal with everything being lemons now."
"Great work, Bloom." Each step was a wobbling fight with gravity, but so far I was winning by attrition. Getting up after a light tumble, I laughed. "How is the farm doing?"
"The tickle vines are growing in well, although I had to cut back on their feeding." As she walked beside me, Apple Bloom finished chewing another lemon and gulped down the whole thing. I was intrigued as to what she had done. "I think Scruffy is pregnant."
I stopped moving and blinked at Apple Bloom. "I can't even think how he did that. I admit I didn't really check in on him too much after he changed, but I figured he was still male." I rolled the idea around, and realized how close to a similar situation I was. "I am sure they will be a hooful." I waited a moment, and finally couldn't hold back any longer; I needed to know about her quest. "So, what did you do?"
Apple Bloom just shrugged. "Ah got her a nice comfortable spot to sleep in the woods."
"I meant about the lemons." I rolled my eyes and hoofed at the dirt a little. When I looked up at her, Apple Bloom had a smile a mile wide; I realized I was the target of a joke. I couldn't help it, I broke into laughter.
"Well…"
Watching my mentor turn slowly immobile and stiff, I couldn't believe what I had just seen. "Get a grip, Bloom. Joker said this would all happen." Realizing I had used his nickname for me was a bit of a surprise, but it felt right.
The first day without Joker involved me tending to the farm. I took care of the plants in the hothouse, following the instructions Joker had left for each. Feeding the chickens was as simple as dragging a wooden fence—that was on a stand, able to be pulled around—to a new patch of the back garden, and watering it. In minutes the fattest and juiciest looking snails climbed up the fence. Clucks and Hazel fell upon them.
The ferocious clucking made me smile, and it was impossible not to love the former chicken's for the simple existence they had. When Scruffy trotted up beside me, and leaned into my side, I had to push back with nearly every bit of my strength. I picked through his side with one hoof, plucking out branches that shouldn't have been there. "Where'd you get a blackberry bramble?" Removing the prickly branch caused a little pain, but it had to be done.
"Just like muh family's farm." The realization wasn't exactly hard to reach. What Joker had here was definitely a farm, and like my sister and brother he farmed plants. I walked to a tree near the pond of water that was used for nearly everything on the farm, and ran my hoof along the ancient willow's hanging leaves. Pure notes rang out on the air, soft and smooth. "Singing willow."
Returning to my chores, I made a point of feeding the emotivores extra, in preparation for my time away from the farm. A full week passed, and the cuddle vines were so big that when I reached a hoof out to them they all reached out to tickle my frog. Cute as they were, I knew they were in the greenhouse for a reason.
Trotting into the house, I hefted up my saddlebags and grabbed an extra apple up from the basket they were kept in. I didn't know what Joker had done to that basket, but fruit never went bad, so long as they were eaten quickly after removing them.
Trotting from the house, I made sure the doors and windows were all closed, and headed east. The sun was at my back for the whole journey to the town where I had grown up: Ponyville. The path took me past The White-Tail Woods, and even as I walked along the path, I remembered that my sister had run through the forest in races.
Picking up my hooves, I trotted all the way into Ponyville as if I had never left. Ponies were about their afternoon task, but one noticed me right away. I returned Scootaloo's wave. "How're you doin', Scootaloo?"
"Apple Bloom!" Scootaloo's face lit up as she trotted over to me. We shared a quick hug. "I'm doing awesome! What about you? Zecora came back and said you had found a new mentor!"
I grinned at my friend. Scootaloo always took life as fast as she could, and it showed in a kind of energy around the mare. "Well, she found him. His name's Joker, and he owns a farm a few hours walk away. Really nice unicorn, and he—"
"A unicorn farmer? I remember you told me a joke about that once." Scootaloo tapped her chin, looking lost in thought. "Something about upside down carrots being good for nothing on a farm, wasn't it?"
The lyrics of the limerick came to mind, and I blushed at how inaccurate they were. What hurt a little more, however, was that I remembered hearing the joke from my sister, first. "Joker knows more about plants than anypony else I know." It was true, after all. Despite family loyalty, who could know a plant better than somepony who turned into a plant?
Scootaloo's eyes went wide, then she laughed and wrapped one of her wings—that had grown in a spurt at last—around my withers. "Come on, I want to see what happens when you tell that to Applejack and Big Mac."
"Actually…" I pulled out a list of ponies to talk to from my saddlebags. Top of the list was not any of my clan. "I need to go see Princess Twilight, first." My eyes ran down the list.
"Who else was on the list?"
"Ah'll get to that."
"I need to see Princess Twilight first." I tucked the list away again. Turning back to Scootaloo, I saw her face had fallen a little. I suddenly realized that the walk to my family's farm would have given us a lot of time to catch up, and that Twilight's castle was a lot closer than Sweet Apple Acres. "Race you!"
I didn't wait for Scootaloo's reaction. I ran. My hooves flew like thunder as I galloped further into Ponyville, and it wasn't until a familiar shadow swooped overhead, that I knew I had picked right. "Of course you would fly! No pegasus could ever beat an earth pony in a run!"
"Yeah?" Scootaloo's voice was indignant.
"Yeah!" The moment I shouted my reply, Scootaloo dove to the ground at my side. "That's better, show me how much you have been neglecting runnin' now you can fly!" I pushed my gait wider, the drum-beat of my hooves eating ground even faster. Scootaloo, however, kept up.
"I,"—Scootaloo sounded so smug—"do not ignore leg day!" With the pace we set it was no time at all before we reached the castle doors. Despite Scootaloo's defense, I could see her panting at the impromptu race.
"Looking a bit tired there, Scootaloo. What's the matter, is Rainbow Dash teaching you all the comfortable places to sleep?" We both broke into laughter at my jab, which was how Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship found us.
The doors of the castle swung open, and Twilight, my sister, and their four friends; were all bracketed by opening. Twilight's smile widened, and as she opened her mouth to say something I was tackled to the ground.
Applejack clung to me as tight as could be (which was really tight), and for the life of me I couldn't help but hug her back. A soft cough broke into our world, and I looked towards Twilight. We were, of course, blocking the doorway, and now that my eyes had adjusted to the dimmer light inside, I could see Princess Luna was just behind Twilight.
"Uh, s-sorry, Your Highness." It was hard to bow and pull out of a hug at the same time, but I managed it.
"That's al—" Luna and Twilight had both started talking over the top of each other. Luna was the first to gesture a deferral to Twilight. "This is your castle, Twilight."
Years had passed since I had seen Twilight's ascension. It had been the single biggest event in the town ever. And yet despite the time having passed, I watched the Princess of Friendship blush up a storm and nod to Luna. "Thank you, Luna." She turned to face Applejack and I. She opened her mouth to say something, when a gasp came from her side.
"W-W-W-Welcome back party!" Pinkie practically jumped a pony-length into the air, and seemed to teleport away.
"You take too long to tell a story." I huffed my breath out, remembering to call on more senses than just sight and sound. Synesthesia wasn't uncommon after my time in a field of poison joke, and on more than one occasion I woke up thinking I could taste sunlight.
"What?" Apple Bloom glared at me for a moment before rolling her eyes. "Ah just want to get it all right. Do you want to know everything, or not?"
"Bloom,"—I reached out with my magic, its glow extra brilliant after my time in the field, and ruffled her mane—"you tell the story you want to, besides, we have plenty of time!"
"Well…" Apple Bloom reached up with a hoof to fix the damage I had done.
As you can probably guess, as soon as Pinkie Pie heard there needed to be a party there was one. A huge one, at that. I lost pretty much the entire day to it, and after everypony left the castle I finally got to talk to Princess Twilight.
She was pushing a broom around with her magic, humming some kind of tune under her breath. "Princess Twilight?" No matter how many times she asked me, I still couldn't bring myself not to use her title.
"Apple Bloom, how many times have I told you, just call me Twilight." Her tone held both humor and a little hint of weariness.
"Well, if you call me Bloom, I'll call you Twilight. Deal?" I held out my hoof, and caught real surprise in Twilight's expression as she clopped her own hoof against mine. "Got nothin' to do with my family, my new mentor calls me that, and Ah—Ah think it fits me."
Twilight tapped her chin with a hoof and nodded. "It does have a certain ring of harmony to it, for a herbalist. Okay, Bloom,"—I could see her mentally tasting the name—"I think you have a question for me, or you would probably be visiting your family."
"Yeah, it's about a little problem I have. You could say an aspect of my work is leaving a sour taste in my mouth." I suddenly realized how much Joker had been having an effect on me. Lifting one hoof up, I tried to hide my giggle.
"A sour taste in your mouth? Why's that?" Twilight straight reply made me giggle more, but I managed to make my way to where the last of Pinkie Pie's cupcakes were.
"Watch." I picked up a cupcake, the most wonderful of scents pouring off it. I knew exactly what it tasted like, it would be the most amazing, moist, sweet, and delicate of foods. The moment I put it into my mouth and took a bite, however, the cupcake became a rather sizable lemon. I looked at Twilight, chewing the bite I had taken and swallowing it down.
"What just happened? How did it turn into a lemon?" Twilight stared at me, and to my surprise plucked the bulk of the lemon from my hoof and floated it closer to her in her magic. "I can't feel any magic here, and it doesn't seem like a spell, even if you could cast one."
I sighed. "It's because—"
"It isn't like it's something Discord did." Twilight's magic turned a murky black for a moment, then was her regular purple again. "And it isn't shadow magic."
"That's because—"
Twilight, predictably, cut in on me again. "I will need to study this more. There is no telling what is at work that could turn—"
"Twilight!" My shout, loud enough to actually get a particular Princess' attention, echoed around the castle. "It's because of poison joke. This is what it does to me." I finally had her attention, and I could see dawning realization setting in. "The thing is, I need—"
I didn't expect the Princess to reach out to me and teleport us both to the Royal Bathroom. She levitated up a bottle of shampoo and was about to dump it in the bath. "I have just the thing!"
"Wait!" I backed away from Twilight. "Please don't waste that, I know how hard it is to make." I raised a hoof and grabbed at the bottle, plucking it from the purple magic field it was floating in, and sealed it back up. "I need to be affected like this for my job."
Twilight's look mirrored what mine was like when I first asked about it. "I don't understand. Why would you need to turn things into lemons?" Her confusion was evident in her words, tone, and expression.
"It has to do with what we do. Most of our work is growing and tending to rare and sometimes dangerous herbs." I tried to explain as best I could. "And the one that is only purchasable from one farm in Equestria is poison joke. It's Joker's farm."
"Hold on. You mean to say that when anypony needs to buy poison joke, they buy it from Joker? I thought he just grew a few herbs…" Twilight walked away from her apparently forgotten tub, and led the way out of her bathroom. "Wait, so if you needed to have something so mild as your poison joke… joke, wouldn't it have been bad if you had something like your sister?"
"Yeah. That was a bit nerve wracking. And if you think this is mild—well, try eating lemons every day for a week." I followed the Princess through her bedroom and into the castle's library. I stared agog at all the books, and couldn't help but think how many of Twilight's former libraries could fit in its place. "Wow…"
"You came to me for a reason, and it isn't to cure the joke." Twilight gestured to her library. "All my knowledge is yours, Bloom, but if you tell me what you want I can help get you started."
"Joker said that I'm meant to find a way to make it easier to live with the joke." I scuffed a hoof on the floor without thinking. "So either I need to find some way to bypass it, maybe something that it doesn't affect, or I can try to make it so lemons don't taste so bad."
"Are they really that bad?" I only had to give Princess Twilight a single look to quell that line of reasoning. I could see her get my message and continue. "Is there anything that doesn't turn into a lemon?"
The question surprised me, and I started to mull it over. "Well, everything from acorns to cupcakes." I shrugged. "I started collecting pine cones and acorns, if I'm going to be turning things into lemons, I didn't want to waste food."
Twilight looked around, and I saw her horn flash with magic. A single pea floated between us. Opening my mouth, I let Twilight feed it to me. The moment the tiny legume was in my mouth I got the bitter taste of lemon. I shook my head.
"It's getting repetitive again." I looked at Apple Bloom. Spending months as a plant gave one a great appreciation for time, and how much most ponies waste it. "What did you end up finding out from Princess Twilight?"
"Ah'm gettin' to that!" Apple Bloom's exclamation, loud as it was, didn't phase me in the least. "Where was I?"
"You were just getting to the point." I couldn't help myself. "But if you must know, the Princess was testing out various sizes of items."
"That's right!" Apple Bloom grinned.
I watched the Princess of Friendship writing furiously. There was lemons all around us, dozens of them. It was bad enough I had to eat them, but now I apparently had to fraternize with them too. "Are we done?"
"Of course not!" Twilight, I had found out, had an inexhaustible amount of energy when it came to baffling problems. "I wonder, have you tried eating an actual lemon?"
The question stumped me. I just hadn't considered eating an actual lemon. My look of surprise and confusion must have tipped Twilight Sparkle off that I hadn't actually tried it. I watched her horn flash, again, and this time an actual lemon floated before me. I looked up at Twilight and groaned.
Taking a bite of the offered, yellow fruit, I blinked in surprise. "That isn't so bad."
"It doesn't taste like a lemon?" Twilight's excitement was overflowing.
I bit off another pieces and kept chewing. "No, it still tastes like a horrible, sour mess. But now it tastes like a really well grown horrible, sour mess. Of all the lemons I have eaten, this is the least horrible."
Twilight stood in surprise, and watched me eat the whole thing. When it was done, I actually licked my lips clean. "I could swear you look like you enjoyed it." Her accusation made me think for a bit.
"I guess I did? If you had to eat lemons for a week, most of them coming from pinecones and acorns, you might appreciate something actually grown, too." I kept licking my lips, the taste of the lemon nowhere near as jarring as most I had been eating.
"Okay then, next we will try some specific tricks…" Twilight's voice sounded no less eager to explore experimentation, and I could do nothing but sigh in response. She lifted down a huge tome from the shelves, and opened it up. "First, Melachio's Magic reMover."
"Okay. Even I admit it gets boring here." While Apple Bloom spoke, she pulled out another acorn and bit it, and was soon munching another lemon. "Do you want the long story, or the short story?"
"Look," I said. "I am invested now. I want to know what you learned from the Princess that helps you…" I gestured at her calmly eating a lemon.
"Oh? Would you like one?" She offered me half of the horrible yellow ball of death. Though I took a step back, she approached me, waving the lemon before her. "Come on, Joker, just a bite?"
"Just tell your story!" The moment I relented she popped the uneaten lemon in her mouth, and chewed it up as if it were the sweetest apple.
Twilight mixed the fine powder with the contents of a grape. It took a few moments for the sparkling powder to mix completely. When she was done, she levitated a drop of it up and floated it towards me. "This should do the trick."
The moment the globule touched my tongue, unlike the dozen other tests before it, I tasted… nothing. Blinking, I looked at the Princess. "I don't taste anything? Is that right?"
"Well, it hasn't turned the grape juice into lemon juice." Twilight's wings flew up in excitement, and it was an easily catching emotion. "If you can find something to counter the taste of the lemons, we can use this powder to stop it becoming a lemon itself."
"Yee haw!" I kicked my hooves in the air. "It's a shame the other ideas didn't work." In the midst of my celebrating, I glanced aside to the pile of lemons, and one small, potted, lemon tree. "I hope your book turns back like the other things."
While we both looked at the pile of yellow, a pair of acorns popped back into their original shape. The curse undid, it seemed, but it took some time.
"So what are you going to do next?" Twilight sounded like she was ready to teleport me across Equestria if I asked.
Looking at the clock, I smiled. "Ah think Ah'm gonna go visit my family."
"Stop!" I yelled. "Before we go any further I need to eat." The hungers of a plant were not those of a pony, and I was pony again, which meant I needed my stomach filled.
"You don't look like you need anything." Apple Bloom pointed a hoof at my swollen midsection.
Rolling my eyes, I shook my head. "Those are seeds. I don't need to lay them for a while. Maybe another full day or two." I used a hoof to gently rub my belly, and felt the tightness of my flesh over the seeds. "You can tell me more in the morning, anyway."
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Next up is Zecora. I went to her for information. If anypony but you knew what I wanted, it was going to be her." She looked so smug, of course, because she had found a solution.
It pinched at a place inside to know she had solved her problem, and wouldn't just tell me. "What did Zecora say?" I began to prepare dinner, lifting a large wok onto the stove, and tipping in some oil.
"Well, as I was leaving home the next morning…" I groaned as Apple Bloom started her next story almost right at the boring bit.
I trotted along the path towards the one common trail into the Everfree Forest. Applejack and McIntosh had spent most of the morning saying goodbye, as if they would never see me again. The farm still felt like home, but leaving the little town of Ponyville had taught me just how big Equestria really was.
The forest reached huge branches up and over the path, and seemed to clutch at the darkness like a filly with their favorite doll. I shivered as I passed under the first branches, expecting something to leap out and attack me. Each step of my hungry, ground-eating pace took me deeper and deeper.
Memories of many times, where I visited Zecora to learn potion making, poured through my head, but I didn't relax, or start to hum a tune. It was one thing to be reassured, and quite another to call out and tell everything in the forest that I was alone.
The trail opened up on my left, and I could smell the flowers before I could see their blue petals. "Poison joke." The surrounding forest had dropped to silence, and I couldn't sense birds or any other critters nearby. It wasn't because of a predator that the Everfree was still here. I walked into the field of blue, almost luminous flowers. A gap in the canopy above let beams of bright sunlight down.
I walked into the middle of the clearing and lay down among the large flowers.
"Clever. If there was anything hunting you, it would leave you alone rather than chase into there." Stirring the sizzling vegetables with a wooden spoon, I kept both ears cocked on Apple Bloom.
"Ah thought that. But it was also soothing and calm." She looked so longingly at the wok that I resolved to give her some days off from her joke.
I splashed in some soy sauce. "Any other jokers there?"
"No. You are still the only pony I have ever met like this." She looked so exasperated with the fact.
"Well, we aren't exactly common." Lifting out a bean, I sampled the taste of it and nodded. "What happened next?"
I rolled to my back and reached out to one of the big flowers. It bent down until it brushed my nose. A dusting of pollen tickled inside my nose, and I barely managed to let go of the flower in time to sneeze.
Movement on the edge of the clearing stole my attention from the flowers. I sat up and studied the cloaked figure who walked into the field of poison joke. Slightly larger than most ponies, the figure stood proud and tall, and almost completely in the darkness of their cloak.
I watched as one of the stranger's hooves lifted a touch, then rubbed at the dirt. Jumping up and standing, looking at them, I repeated the gesture that was a how the zebra greeted each other. "Zecora?"
When Zecora flipped back her hood, I spotted the big grin on her face. "Greetings and well met Apple Bloom, glad I am to be seeing you so soon." She moved through the poison joke, barely disrupting the flowers, until we could hug.
"I've only been gone a week." I squeezed Zecora, then slowly let her go. "And while Joker is—is busy, I have my own task." Having spent years in proximity to Zecora while she taught me, I knew she wouldn't reply unless she didn't want to hear. "I hate lemons already."
Zecora turned and gestured to her hut, letting me continue talking while we walked. "He said I should find a way to be able to live with my joke, and he explained why it was important I could. So this is my quest. I identified two ways to bypass the joke itself, although while I have solved one, it isn't very effective."
I walked along beside Zecora in silence for a little bit, in case she wanted to ask anything. Eventually, I continued. "So I have a concoction from Princess Twilight that will let me coat really small things and stop them turning into lemons. I thought it would be wonderful and be what I needed, but there is no flavor, and it isn't really that easy or cheap to make."
"Into my brain you wish to peek? It be my knowledge that you seek." Zecora looked proud of her gag, and I had to roll my eyes, but nod. "To my home we must turn, for the solution you are to learn. There are many herbs and potions to try, so come on, Apple Bloom, don't be shy."
We continued along to her house, and showing the proper respect to the spirit masks, I followed her inside. The ritual was repeated inside; bowing to each of the masks, I lifted my hoof up and touched it to my chest.
"You remember well what I taught, a good student as you aught." Zecora walked around her hut, and the fire still burning under her big cauldron flared brightly with soft, blue light. I barely even saw the gesture she had made to cast the flash powder into the flames. "What you seek is the spice of sour, it will teach your tongue not to cower."
I followed Zecora, ignoring the little party trick with the fire. "Spice of sour? What's that?" I knew the moment I said it that Zecora would not outright tell me. I should have known before I said it. Taking a deep breath, I ignored the half-grin on Zecora's face. "You know, but you want me to learn."
"In this room is the knowledge you need, but a lack of focus will cause time to bleed." I knew the moment Zecora swapped to using rhetoric in her rhymes, that I was not going to get more out of her, which is why I almost missed the important bit. "So search through herbs, spice, and berry; from jungle, forest, or prairie."
Glancing at Zecora, I could see a smug smile on her face. I knew that last phrase held some important information, and focused my search down. Looking along Zecora's shelf, I ignored the books on using leaves, or flowers; Zecora had pitched her rhyme around berries.
"You can keep talking about that if you want, but I am eating." I served up just one plate of dinner, assuming that Apple Bloom would be content with her lemons. "How did you work out about Scruffy?"
I watched Apple Bloom reach into her pack and pull out a lemon. The look of satisfaction when she bit into it still puzzled me. "I was actually going to get to that soon." She chewed on the lemon, an expression of bliss covering her features; she was really enjoying it. "Are you going to listen, or are you going to complain all the way through?"
"Oh, I was thinking of complaining, but if you insist…" I trailed off, and saw an exasperated smile on Apple Bloom's face that almost matched my own. "I still can't believe you actually remember all her rhymes, let alone Princess Twilight's technobabble."
"It's not technobabble. Princess Twilight knows what she is talkin' about, and Ah happen to like Zecora's rhymes." I couldn't believe Apple Bloom could lie like that, given the popular notion of her sister. When I looked shocked at her statement, she continued. "Well, I like some of them. I don't know why I can always remember that kinda stuff."
"Did you know your drawl gets thicker when you are flustered?" I couldn't resist the poke at her countryisms.
Apple Bloom looked ready to boil over. "Poop eater!"
"Only when I'm a plant, but a fair observation. Why don't you go suck on a lemon?" Both of us held in our giggles for nearly ten heartbeats, and then both broke out laughing together.
"Snail food."
"Sour puss."
"Lunch."
We tossed insults back at each other for a few moments before regaining our composure. I proved I could keep my trap shut by shoveling food into my mouth.
The howling snapped me out of my study. At the exact moment I heard it, I knew it was the howl of a timber wolf. Safe as I was in Zecora's hut—guarded by the spirit masks—the primal fear of a predator that everypony possessed was hard to deny.
I slipped a bookmark into the old tome, closed it, and got up to investigate. Meeting at Zecora's side, we both looked out the hut's window. Outside, the timber wolf we had both heard was standing at the edge of the clearing, and in the shadows of the trees, more could be seen.
"Ah've never seen 'em this close before…" The pack melted from the treeline, revealing six big wolves. Green, glowing eyes seemed to focus on Zecora and I, and I felt frozen with terror.
"This isn't good!" Zecora's voice shook, and it was one of the rare moments when I heard her speak without rhyming. The big wolves prowled closer and closer, and one was just about to pounce—coiling its back legs—when a new growling started from right beside the hut.
I watched while a new timber wolf stalked out. This one was bigger than the others, better fed, and familiar. "S-Scruffy?!" We both said the name at the same time, and the only indication we got that we had guessed right was Scruffy's tail wagging a few times. As Scruffy interposed themselves between us and the wild wolves, I watched the pack back up.
"Scruffy!" I raced outside, ignoring Zecora's attempts to stop me. As I ran up beside Scruffy, the world seemed to slow down. I watched as the lead wolf of the wild pack started to run forward, eyes locked on me.
Like the magic of an alicorn, Scruffy reached over at the charging wolf and plucked them from the ground moments before they reached me. A toss of Scruffy's head sent them flying away into the forest, yelping. "Yeah! You rock, Scruffy!"
Speaking around my mouthful, I used my magic to point my fork at Apple Bloom in an accusing manner. "It's a mating fight?"
"Ah didn't know that!" She blushed and hung her head, but she must have realized I wasn't going to push, because she took up recounting her tale where she had left off.
One by one, Scruffy dealt with the other timber wolves. It was amazing to watch. The last one, however, seemed to be too quick for Scruffy. I watched the remaining wolf dodge Scruffy's attempts to grab them, but I was confused at the wolf apparently ignoring Zecora and I.
Zecora finally reached my side, and the world went black.
I couldn't see what was happening, but I knew why I couldn't see: Zecora had covered my eyes with her hooves. "What're you doing? What're they doing? Did Scruffy win?" I tried to shake loose for just a moment, but Zecora proved to be quite strong.
"To see these things you are a bit young, but Scruffy's victory will not go unsung." Zecora pulled, turning me away from whatever happened with Scruffy and the other timber wolf. Once back inside the hut, Zecora freed my eyes, but dashed to close the shutters on the windows.
"You're sure Scruffy was alright?" I looked at my former mentor with as serious face as I could summon, only to have Zecora blushing and trying to hide a smile, but she did nod. "Well… okay…"
"So Scruffy is a bitch? Huh!" I finished scooping up the last of my dinner, while Apple Bloom stared at me aghast. "What?"
"That word isn't a nice one!" Apple Bloom, I realized, may have had a bit of a sheltered life.
"It means 'female dog.' " I could see skepticism plain on her face. "Oh come on! You can remember all these little details, but you have never studied Equish?"
I saw her musing things over in her head. "Well… It might mean that, but Ah still ain't usin' it!"
"But it's the right word!" Wiggling a little, I felt two kinds of full with the seeds inside me and a good meal too. "Anyway, what did you find?"
"About Scruffy?"
"No." I lifted a hoof and smacked it against my forehead. "About whatever these berries are Zecora wanted you to investigate?"
I ran out of books, but then I noticed a small, hoof-written notebook crammed into the middle of the row. Reaching up for it, I heard the strangest noises coming from outside. Lifting the book free, I turned to look at the window, and saw Zecora peeking outside. "What're they doing?"
"This is something I have never before seen, Scruffy is sprouting with leaves of green." Zecora quickly closed the window again the moment I showed interest in trying to peek. "Your search has brought you a wealth of new knowledge, that book is my own, a journal I acknowledge."
That perked my interest right up, and I started with the first page. It was almost as dry as the other books had been, but it was full of descriptions about plants in Zecora's homelands. I started to flick, skipping most that I saw—because they weren't berry bushes—but at last my hoof stopped flicking on one particular entry. "Synsepalum dulcificum. Miracle berry?" I read about a plant with slightly waxy leaves, and plump red berries.
"A sweet, tangy berry that when consumed makes sour things sweet?" I couldn't believe the description, and looked up at a blushing Zecora, her head pushed partway out the window. "This is it! Native to—to your homeland. Berry, prairie. This is what you meant?"
Zecora pulled her head back in and nodded. Her blush wasn't fading, however. "Y-Yes Apple Bloom, this is the berry, and it does indeed grow on the—"
"But she didn't have any." I scrubbed my bowl in the sink, using magic of course. Behind me I knew Apple Bloom would be staring at me in surprise. "You want to know how I know?"
A herd an exasperated sigh come from Apple Bloom. "Yer gonna tell me anyway."
"Synsepalum dulcificum needs a warm, acidic climate. What Zecora has in the Everfree Forest is almost the exact opposite. Her soil is soft and full of rich mulch. The Ph is neutral, and it gets mighty cold in there." Putting my bowl to the side, I washed my knife and fork.
"Yeah, I transplanted two into the greenhouse. Some peat for the soil made it acidic enough." Apple Bloom stirred a little in her chair.
I couldn't help but smile, I knew what she wanted to do. "Why don't you tell me the next bit while you show me these bushes?" Her face lit up, and I let her lead the way out to my greenhouse.
I read over the letter—once I was out of the Everfree Forest—and was surprised all over again. Zecora had written it for me, and told me I needed to take it to Ferny Growth in Canterlot. Not that she had told me where the mare in question was, it would have made things too easy if she had.
It was addressed to Ferny, and though the first part was mostly just a greeting, the second asked if she had any of the miracle berries I was looking for. Folding the letter back up, I lifted my head and saw terror. Not something terrifying, but actual terror. Fluttershy looked at me, her eyes wide and wings spread.
Before I could say a word she rushed forward and shoved me behind her. "Get back, Apple Bloom, I'll deal with them!" Despite the times I had seen her stand up against the biggest evils ever to visit Equestria, it still surprised me when the timid friend of my sister's snapped into action mode.
I turned to see what she was facing, and for a few moments I drew a blank. "What's wrong?" Then it dawned on me; Fluttershy was glaring at Scruffy. "Whoa there! Hold on! That's just Scruffy!"
At her name, Scruffy dodged around a surprised Fluttershy and came right up to me. I held out a hoof, and rubbed your pet under the chin. Scruffy looked pleased with herself, and kept nuzzling me for treats.
"Scruffy?" Fluttershy blinked at the pair of us, then I saw her eyes widen even further. "You have a pet timber wolf?!" It was the softest yell I had heard from her yet.
Scruffy had no idea what to do. Suddenly there was a yellow pegasus in the timber wolf's face, and she was asking all kinds of questions. "He—She's not really mine. She lives on Joker's farm, just west of Ponyville."
"Oh she is amazing! I have never seen a timber wolf so gentle. Is it alright if I pet you?" Fluttershy was impossible to deny, and neither Scruffy nor myself had any hope of proving that statement false. Before I could try to respond, Scruffy barked and rolled onto her back.
I watched as Fluttershy began rubbing Scruffy's belly with both forelegs, her wings ruffling in excitement. "You could come out to the farm and talk to Joker about her, if you want? All I know is, she used to be a regular dog, but some kind of magic made her into this."
"You invited somepony to visit? Just like that?" I stared at Apple Bloom incredulously.
She was just getting into the glasshouse, and stared back at me with a droll expression that I recognized as one of my own. "This is Fluttershy. You don't say no to Fluttershy, and you give Fluttershy whatever she wants. Joker, I doubt you could even interrupt her."
Following her inside the warm glasshouse, I couldn't help but smile at how well the tickle vines were doing. "Is that a challenge?"
"Don't. You. Dare!" I watched her reached a hoof out to the tickle vines, and Apple Bloom giggled as they each found her offered frog. Taken as a whole, giggling after the dramatic statement ruined her serious delivery.
Walking past Apple Bloom, as she giggled due to further tickling, I found the bushes she had transplanted. Reaching down with my magic, I plucked up a small clod of soil, and examined it. "They seem happy. How long ago did they last produce fruit?"
Pulling back from the vines, Apple Bloom giggled for a bit longer still. I could appreciate the desire for a good laugh, and was looking forward to making friends with the vines myself. Under control once more, she sighed. "They were picked four months ago, but Ferny said they would probably flower again quickly if we keep them warm and dose them with good fertilizer."
I popped the little clump of dirt in my mouth and let it spread over my tongue. "It's definitely acidic, and I can taste the fertilizer you used already. You got it from Sweet Apple Acres, didn't you?"
"Of course!" I had to smile at the pride in Apple Bloom's voice. "It's the best ah could find!"
"It's not the best, but it is certainly the best around here." I spat the dirt back out around the plants. "So after you got free of this crazy pegasus?"
The nerve I poked immediately got a response from Apple Bloom. "She's not crazy. Fluttershy just really likes critters."
"I visited the farm, of course. You were still happily staring upwards at the sun. That is really creepy, you realize?" Apple Bloom turned to look at the changeling pod, and I could see the plant inside the goop visibly tremble at whatever emotion she was feeding it.
"The sun is everything to a photosynthesizing plant. If I ever met Princess Celestia, I—I would probably kiss her!" It wasn't complete hyperbole, some of my plant-self always bleeds over, and being my first day back in full pony mode meant there was still a fair bit of plant in my head—not physically, of course.
Apple Bloom's head nearly spun around fast enough to give her whiplash. "Really?"
The look I was getting from her made me suspicious. "Why?"
"No reason." I was absolutely sure she was planning something, but there was nothing that I could think of, short of having Princess Celestia turn up at the farm, that I could think Apple Bloom could do to exploit my little flaw. "Where was I?"
I decided I had plenty of time, and rather than get the train from Ponyville, I would walk. The sun was growing higher in the sky as I trotted, and not for the first time in my life I was thankful I was born an earth pony. My stride ate up the countryside, and it wasn't long until I was climbing the long switchback at the base of Canterlot.
Scruffy was, thankfully, back at the farm, and I thought I was completely alone when I heard a cluck from below. I knew the owner by the pitch of it, and I didn't need to look over the side to the lower path to realize it was Hazel. "You didn't follow me!"
Denial was as effective, it seemed, as begging. "Oh come on, can't I go anywhere without one of you following me? I did the snail thing, just like Joker said, so why are you here?" Of course, all I got from the cockatrice was an inquisitive cluck. For a moment I remembered that wild one that Fluttershy had saved my friends and me from, and I shuddered.
The sound of flapping wings preceded the sensation of claws on my back. I almost jumped when Hazel's tail curled around my belly like the girth of an ornamental saddle. Taking a deep breath, I turned my head to see the hen looking back at me. "Comfortable?" She clucked back to me.
"We aren't going to be able to get in now, you know?" I resumed my trot up the mountainside, and although my conversation with Hazel was fairly one-sided, at least it passed the time.
I had just reached the top of the switchback, and was taking in the view, when the sound of clopping hooves that weren't my own—accompanied by a sharp voice—seemed to come from my right. "Halt!" On my back, Hazel tightened her grip around my belly, but seemed calm.
"H-Hello? I have an important letter here." I started to take a step forwards when I saw the guard-post, and two Royal Guard glaring at me from the side of the road. "Uh, hi there! Ah'm here to see—"
"What are you doing bringing a monster to the city?!" The speaker was a tall, gray unicorn. I looked up at him and judged him a little shorter than my brother. I decided immediately that I didn't like Gray, not with how he talked about Hazel.
"What?" My brain didn't even follow Gray's question, it didn't make sense. It was only me and Hazel. An earth pony and a cockatrice. I blinked, and his surprise started to make more sense. "She followed me from home! I was already on the path and I couldn't turn back this cl—" The sound of flapping wings cut off my explanation, and another Royal Guard hit the ground beside the first. I looked at the newcomer and smiled as I recognized him. "Flash!"
"Is this young mare causing problems, Sergeant?" Flash winked at me with the eye Gray couldn't see.
There was a click of metal horseshoes. "Sir! She is carrying a class X proscribed monster. We can't—"
My heart raced, but again Flash Sentry winked to me. "Good work Sergeant! I will escort this one directly to trial!" I saw pride show in Gray's eyes, and it suddenly dawned on me that he was actually doing the right thing. Flash Sentry fell in beside me. "I will see the Captain hears about this."
I began walking at Flash's side. Once we were a little bit away from Gray, I couldn't help but give a sigh. "Thank you so much. Ah know he was jus' doing his job 'n' all, but—"
"But you have a dangerous creature that can disable even an alicorn princess." Flash rolled his eyes, and I felt a moment of resentment build, then evaporate. He was still my savior, after all. "Although this one seems fairly tame. Is it? Tame—that is."
"Hazel? She is quite tame. Just treat her like any other chicken." It felt good to be able to act so brave, particularly when I had been just as worried when I first saw Joker's pets, and still had her digging her claws into my back. "Just try not to startle her."
"Any other chicken that could turn me to stone. Right. You are going to have to come to see the Captain, and if she checks you out okay, you can do what you need to. Standard stuff." The itinerary Flash set made my heart sank a little, but I ignored the worry in my barrel and showed instead pulled out a pair of pinecones.
"Hey, you want to see a magic trick?" I grinned.
Flash Sentry squinted at me. All around us, on the streets of Canterlot, ponies were shying away. "Is this something that will cause even more of a panic than everypony is in already?"
I shook my head. "Nope! But how about we make it a wager. Ah bet Ah could eat this pinecone before you."
"You're a strange mare, did you know that? Just show me the trick, I'm not stupid enough to bet bits on it." He watched me tuck one of the pinecones away. I lifted the other up to my mouth, opened up, and bit down on the lemon. "What?!"
I kept up my snack, munching away on bites of the lemon. "What do you mean, 'what'? It's just a snack."
Flash waved a wing in my direction. "What did you do with the pinecone? And how can you stand to eat a lemon?"
"What do you mean? It was always a lemon." I continued eating, slurping up the juice that had started running down my hoof. "And they are delicious. You should try one!" Pulling back out the second pinecone, I repeated the trick for Flash.
"You have to be doing something sneaky. I have seen ponies who could trick your eyes with quick hooves, but this is ridiculous! Why don't you use an apple, or an orange?" I could see that he thought he had seen through the trick, so I ate the second lemon quickly.
"Well, why don't you pick something for me to eat. Anything at all!" My smile was wide, despite the sour taste in my mouth. He looked around and picked up a rock from the side of the road. "Well? Go ahead." I opened my mouth and closed my eyes.
"You're mad." Flash's voice was quiet until I felt the touch of something in my mouth; it was another lemon. Biting down on the juicy, yellow fruit, I forced out a sound of gastronomical delight. "How are you doing that?!"
Opening my eyes, I caught the poor-tasting lemon half that I had bitten off. "Magic." I chewed while Flash stared at me, then tossed the last of the fruit in my mouth.
Flash led me to the Royal Palace, but before going inside he took me to a large compound just inside the castle grounds. Unlike the majesty of the palace, this building was squat and bore the blue star of the Royal Guard.
Following Flash inside the front door, I looked around the main entrance and saw a dozen ponies suddenly go stiff at the sight of Hazel on my back. For her part, Hazel was keeping relatively quiet, almost as if she understood the gravity of the situation.
Stopping, Flash looked around all the alert faces. "Stand down. I am escorting Apple Bloom—"
"Just Bloom." I tried to look as sheepish as I could, which was helped by the fact I felt sheepish.
Flash raised an eyebrow. "I am escorting Bloom and her pet to see the Captain." He gestured to a hallway with a wing. "Follow me, Bloom."
I kept close to Flash, walking down a short hallway before following him into an office. As I stepped out from behind him, I froze. "P-P-Princess Cadance?" I stared in shock, and in the silent moment when my brain didn't want to function, my memory supplied that he had referred to the Captain as a "she" earlier.
"Captain Princess Cadance." Flash, I could tell, was doing a good job of not laughing at his joke. On the other hoof, Cadance glared at him. "Or Princess Captain Cadance? I can never remember the right way to—"
"Flash Sentry, shut your snout before I bust you to Private." Cadance looked right at me. "Now. Why is one of my bridesmaids being escorted in here like a criminal?"
I saw Cadance's eyes flick to Flash, but I jumped in first. Turning sideways, I revealed Hazel. "I was coming from my new teacher's farm, and one of his chickens followed me."
Princess Cadance raised one eyebrow suspiciously. "That's a cockatrice, Apple Bloom. There are slightly different laws involved for them, as opposed to a chicken."
"Just Bloom, Your Highness, and I know that now, but Hazel is really a chicken that turned into a cockatrice. She wouldn't hurt a fly!" I puffed out my chest to defend Hazel's fowl honor, but realized an error in my words. "Well, she would hurt a snail. She really loves to eat 'em."
"Flash. Remind me again how long I have to go?" Cadance lifted a wing up to rub her forehead.
Snapping a sharp salute, Flash grinned about as wide as any stallion I had ever seen. "Your Highness, you have seven months and two weeks remaining of your duty." There was a joke I wasn't getting, and I still didn't know why the Princess was Captain of the Royal Guard.
"Are you going to get on with the story? Does it really matter why a princess was Captain of the Royal Guard?" I reached out to the tickle vine and offered it my hoof. Giggles bubbled up almost immediately, and I was reminded of my trip to collect the plant.
"It's important to the story!" Apple Bloom glared at me. "An' if you don't let me finish I ain't never gonna tell ya!"
I blinked at my apprentice. "You wouldn't!"
Apple Bloom glared at me. "Jus' try me!" At the same time we narrowed our eyes, glaring at each other. Unfortunately for me the tickle vine found my hoof again, and I broke the stare-off in a fit of giggles.
"Ah win!" Apple Bloom tilted her head up, and pointed at the ground. "Now you lay down an' listen."
"Just tell me why, first. Then you can move on to the story." Nonetheless, I did as instructed. Life was a game, and it would be unsporting of me to break the rules enacted by a staring contest.
"Shining Armor complained about how much easier it seemed, just taking care of running the Crystal Empire, and Cadance told him that if it was so easy, he could do it. For a year."
I blinked at the synopsis Apple Bloom gave. "So they swapped jobs? A princess and the Royal Guard Captain?" She nodded to me, and even without the vines both of us started to giggle.
Princess Cadance wouldn't let me take Hazel into the castle, but she did make sure there was a pen to put the hen in, and even promised to find her some food. Hazel, for her part, was not happy about being left alone—but I managed to persuade her to un-petrify Flash.
With the letter opening the doors to the castle, I trotted through the front gates with Flash beside me. "So, what's it like getting petrified?"
"It was strange." Flash Sentry looked more introspective than upset. "Startling to feel happening, but when it finished it was relaxing. I imagine it would be a lot worse if you weren't at least partly expecting it."
"You did poke her tail. I am not an expert on either chickens or cockatrice, but I don't like anypony poking my tail. You deserved it." I ignored his sputtering, and looked around the huge garden the inner courtyard opened to. It was amazing, and it stole my heart.
Flash got control of himself. "First time seeing the garden?"
"No. But it's the first time Ah got to see it without distraction." When last I had been in the Canterlot Palace Gardens, Discord's statue had been here. "It feels more—more relaxed now. I wonder if Discord was havin' some kinda effect on the place?"
"That's something we always suspected. It was why some plants just wouldn't bloom here, no matter what we did." The new voice startled me, and I spun to the side to see a pegasus with the dirtiest feathers ever. "Head groundsmare Ferny Growth." She held out a hoof.
"Well, this is as far as I needed to bring you. Have fun!" Flash Sentry shot into the air, flapping his wings for all he was worth. I stared after him before realizing I was being disrespectful to Ferny.
"Sorry, ma'am. I'm App—" I cut short, and cleared my throat. "Just Bloom. Zecora sent me here, said I should give you this." Reaching into my saddle bags, I pulled the letter out and passed it over.
"Zecora sent you? Well that's a nice surprise. Are you a student of hers?" Ferny took delivery of the letter and unfolded it. I watched her lips quirk upwards as she read, and despite my careful handling of the letter, she used her dirty wings.
"I was. It didn't work out with her. She said I needed to be a zebra to really master what she could teach." There was still a little pain when I thought about it. Even if I had a cutie mark for herbalism, it wouldn't have been enough. "I am apprenticed to a friend of hers: Joker."
I watched as Ferny Growth lowered the letter and stared at me. "You are apprenticed to Joker?" She took a step back and narrowed her eyes.
"Y-Yeah. What's the matter?" I was actually worried; she seemed shocked and a little scared.
"Just so's you know. If you try any pranks, I'm not going to help you until he comes and apologizes himself." Ferny's eyes were hard. "Anypony who spends more than five minutes with that stallion ends up with their sense of humor twisted all sorts of crazy ways." Her lips started to pull back up.
"So she remembers me." I grinned wide, remembering Ferny Growth.
Apple Bloom glared at me. "She told me some of the things you did, and what she did when with you. They had to actually throw that bath tub out, you realize?"
"They did? Wait a second…" I tapped my chin in thought, bringing back the prank in question. "Was that the time I filled the pipes with black mane dye, or when we replaced all the shampoo in the Royal Guard bathrooms with itching grease?" When Apple Bloom's eyes widened, and she shook her head, I was puzzled. "Well, it's all behind us now. What happened next?"
"I have this plant." Ferny Growth smiled at me. There was something in the smile, something that worried me. "And you can have one of the younger specimens, as well as a few jars of berry conserve."
"There's a but here, ain't there?" It was so obvious I couldn't help but ask. "You want me to do something to get back at Joker? Ah'm not going to do anything nast—"
"What? Of course, it won't be nasty. But you have to listen closely. I will prepare a powder that you need to slip into his food. He absolutely won't notice it at first, and don't worry, it won't hurt him." Ferny grinned widely at me.
"You poisoned me?!" I jumped to my hooves and reached for a small bucket of water. Knowing how well diluting poisons could work, I drank down every drop of it, then rounded back on Apple Bloom. "What did she have you put in my food?"
Apple Bloom looked entirely too smug. "Essence of Pink Lace flower. She boiled it until it was sludge, and then—"
I cut in, knowing how to prepare the particular substance. "You're going to turn me pink?"
"Let me finish!" Shouting loud enough to shock me to silence, I stared at Apple Bloom. "Now, as I was going to say, she wanted me to put it in your food, but I told her there was a better prank. Having you eat the powder unawares was less funny than, say, having you drink it. In particular: having you drink it, hoping the water it is in will dilute what you thought was already inside you."
I stared at her. "You came up with that on your own?" She nodded. Looking down, I could see the tips of my forehooves already turning pink. "I should have known. It acts a too fast for it to have been in my meal."
A flash startled me, bright light causing me to shrink back a little. "And Ah need to get some photos. Ferny Growth was particular about that." Another flash had me advancing on my apprentice.
"Give me that camera!" I made a lunge for the device, but Apple Bloom jumped backwards with it. When I dove to try to grab it, the light bulb on it flashed again. "Stop taking photos!" I was stretched out on the ground, and watched as the fur on my legs slowly turned a bright pink. "Ugh… You are the worst apprentice ever!"
She took more photos, getting the last when even my horn turned pink. "Are you at least going to finish the story?"
Apple Bloom laughed, put the camera back in her saddlebags, and sat back down. "Well Ah can now. An' don't worry, I cut the mixture down to half strength, it will wear off before morning."
I embellished on Ferny's original plans, as you know, and when she heard how I was going to prank you, she offered me two bushes, and four big jars of jam. I had to head back to the Guard headquarters, and what I found inside surprised me.
"Oh good, you're back." Princess Cadance was defending the doorway to the cells—where I had left Hazel. "Would you mind asking your chicken to please turn the idiots back?" Her tone implied she was angry, but I could tell it wasn't aimed at me.
"S-Sure. What happened?" I walked up, and she let me slip past.
Giving a long-suffering sigh, Cadance followed me in. "It seems somepony spread a rumor among the newest recruits, that we had a secret mission to guard one of Princess Celestia's cakes, and that it was stored inside the cells."
I looked inside, and found Hazel clucking in the middle of the cell, with a bevy of stony Royal Guard around it. "Didn't any of them think it was a prank?!"
"Apparently not. When I find out who spread the false rumor…" Cadance trailed off, leaving a sense of ominous vengeance hanging thickly.
"Hazel." I clucked my tongue in my mouth, and the hen raced over to the side of the cage. "Sorry I took so long, Hazel. Would you mind turning them back to normal?" I gestured to the statue garden with a hoof.
Cadance opened the cell door and let Hazel out. Leaping to my back, and coiling her tail around my midsection tightly, I heard a few relieved clucks a moment before the room erupted in shouting.
"Thank you, Hazel." I reached around with a hoof to tickle Hazel's wattles.
One of the guards managed to recover enough of his senses to spot Cadance. "Captain! Somepony put a c—"
"Fifty laps of the practice field, now!" Cadance's yell was enough to upset Hazel again, but more attention from my hoof was enough to keep her from anymore stonings.
"Okay, okay…" I reached a bright pink hoof up to my chin and tapped it. "You can have a C plus."
"You are grading me on this?!" Apple Bloom's yell caused me to fold my ears back, and wish I were a plant again. "I did what you told me, I should get an A!"
"So? Do better next time." I grinned at Apple Bloom. "I expect great things from my apprentice."
