Chapter 1 - "The Everfree Danger Zone"

Confeatheracy of Dunces

As the school bell clanged proudly, it rang loud enough to momentarily drown out the cheers of the students of Ponyville Elementary – all twelve of them – as they poured out of the small, one-room building. Such a scene was replicated all over Ponyville in the other schools sounded off for the last time that semester, only the other schools took much longer to clear out because unlike Ponyville Elementary, they were actually built to handle the capacity of a town long since having outgrown its purely agricultural beginnings.

However, even though the shackles of the public education system would no longer restrain the youthful for the next three months, for some teachers the ending of the semester was as no more significant than the changing of the season. Especially for the one-mare faculty of Ponyville Elementary.

“Just like a long, multi-act play,” mused Cheerilee, the last remaining occupant inside the schoolhouse. “Every semester an act, every summer in-between another intermission.” She chuckled at the comparison, namely because had any of her students been around, they would have probably not liked to hear their teacher happily state that she considered their brief freedom nothing more than a short respite to prepare for more learning. Or maybe they would have just chalked up the flowery wording as just another oddity about her, much like how they’d just dropped asking about how she’d been turned into a pegasus for a week some time back as soon as they noticed their teacher had reverted. What an experience that had been!

Indeed, the mere idea of a full seven day period where her entire lifestyle was thrown into confusion simply because she’d turned into a winged pony, still seemed so crazy that it felt more like a delusion than reality whenever Cheerilee thought of the incident. Especially when she’d suddenly turned back only to find out it had been Discord’s doing and he’d gone and swapped the subspecies with her brother and sister-in-law. Ultimately, the whole ordeal was revealed to have been entirely unintentional and Discord had in the end set things right, but for what it was worth Cheerilee felt much more self-confident than she had been for months. She also had decided to stop trying to get hired on at other schools as the constant rejections certainly had increased her self-doubt.

Now that school was out for the summer, though, Cheerilee was certain she would still have work to do. For some students that had underperformed in the Ponyville education system, they would need additional schooling to meet the country’s standards. The number of underperforming youngsters, however, was never that large so there wasn’t much of a budget set aside beyond upkeep on the buildings. The teachers would need to volunteer their time, but Cheerilee was always willing to use her free time to assist somepony when it came to learning. She couldn’t imagine doing anything else during the upcoming summer holiday.

“This is not how today was supposed to go!” growled Rainbow as she angrily kicked a small stormcloud into oblivion. Just the previous week, she had promised Scootaloo that the weekend after school let out that they would hang out at her cloud mansion and have the most awesome weekend ever. Right now, Rainbow was going to possibly break that promise instead, something that she absolutely hated to do.

Yet, fate had decided to intervene, such that all the awesomeness that was certain to occur during that weekend was, in fact, not going to happen. Its method of choice was the sudden formation of a large thunderhead above the Everfree that was heading slowly towards Ponyville. Normally, had this been a typical thunderstorm brewing, it would only have existed had Rainbow’s weather team made it in the first place as according to the schedule. Then, even if things did get somewhat out of control, Rainbow knew she could count on Twilight’s near-limitless magic to protect the town under a large dome of magic or something. But this particular storm, due to forming over the untamed Everfree Forest, was not nearly as controllable and due to the dangers of working in such conditions, Rainbow had already needed to call in help from the weather teams of nearby towns to ensure the storm was dismantled well before it got close to any populated area. As it was closest to Ponyville, Rainbow was designated as the one in charge of the coordinated effort, but that meant she was spending the time meant for Scootaloo on something that wasn’t Scootaloo.

At least we’re making good time, mentally noted Rainbow, so there might be a chance I can salvage this day yet. While the number of pegasus ponies attacking the storm was a mere fraction of the virtual airborne army Dash had led the one year she’d been tasked with moving the Ponyville reservoir up to Cloudsdale’s weather factory, the danger of freak thunderbolts striking somepony not used to intense weather control was too risky. Only the most experienced pegasi were skilled enough and right now they were giving it all they had. After a tense first hour where it seemed like the storm simply wouldn’t be stopped in its progression, eventually the ponies fought back hard enough to hold the line right at the Everfree’s borders. Half the storm was already gone and-

“It’s a rumbler!” shouted out one of the ponies, one of the pegasi from Ponyville’s neighboring town of Fairfilly Heights. Rainbow’s heart sank, the term “rumbler” was used by weather pegasi to denote stormclouds that grew agitated enough such that they could potentially lash out with lightning at anypony nearby. They were going to need to slow their pace, awareness was going to be key to avoiding any casualties.

“You heard the pony!” relayed Rainbow to all the other ponies under her command. “We got a rumbler now, so everypony keep an ear out for any warning signs! Group leaders, make sure you have your headcounts!”

“Easy Mark group all accounted for!” shouted a mare several yards away.

“Berrywood group all present!” shouted another.

“Fairfilly Heights group is all here!” finally hollered another stallion.

Rainbow herself did a quick headcount of her ponies. “Ponyville group all here, so let’s keep going!” Taking wing, she soared a quick line inspection to make sure everypony was still able to keep up. After being satisfied with what she saw, her actions then turned toward helping beat back the storm.

For the next fifteen minutes, the only sounds anypony heard were the grunts of the hard working weather ponies, the continuous low rumbling of impending thunder, the punctuations of poofy noises, and every once in a while somepony going “YEAAAHHHHH!” for some unknown reason. Rainbow soon bolted up to take a look at how everypony was doing, just for a brief second, and she beamed upon seeing the clouds starting to disperse on their own on the end opposite the pegasi.

“Alright, keep it up, everypony!” she exclaimed loudly as encouragement, “we’re almost-LOOK OUT!”

One pegasus, distracted by a particularly durable cloud that was proving difficult to obliterate, failed to notice the rapid flashing in the dark mounds behind her, the telltale sign of an impending bolt about to strike. Rainbow cut herself off, racing down to knock the unaware pegasus out of the way, but had acted fast enough only to effectively swap places with the formerly endangered pony. There was no time for Rainbow herself to clear the spot before the bolt lashed out and made contact with the blue pony. All Rainbow felt from that point on was the pain of high voltage electrocution amidst a scattered viewfield, before the pain stopped and her sight had grown hazy. A sound, maybe one or more pegasi shouting at her, she didn’t know, sounded before suddenly a hard surface like the ground had placed itself in the path of Rainbow Dash, the impact knocking her out cold.

“Is she going to be okay?!” shouted Pinkie Pie, her hooves wrapped in a death grip around the neck of the unfortunate hospital aide who had done nothing wrong other than be on front desk duty when the party planner nonpareil dramatically flew through them.
“C-can’t….breathe…” was his response.

“Pinkie! Stop choking the poor pony to death!” chastised Rarity, who, despite looking like she was the picture of calm, was displaying the signs of outright panic to those who knew her best. “Making sure he’s not okay isn’t going to do anything for Rainbow!”

“Oh, right.” Pinkie’s hooves left his windpipe. “Sorry~!”

Just then, Pinkie and Rarity were joined by Fluttershy, Applejack, and Twilight. “Have any of you seen Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy.
“Unfortunately not,” replied Rarity. “Pinkie and I only just got here.”

“Ah’m still in the dark as to what happened!” testily exclaimed Applejack. “All Ah was told was Dash got hit by some kinda weird lightnin’ and was brought here an hour ago.”

“An Everfree bolt,” answered a voice off to the side. As the five friends turned to look, they saw it was Nurse Redheart. “From what the ponies that brought her here, they were clearing that big storm coming in when Rainbow Dash knocked another pony out of the way of getting hit by lightning. Between that and her nosedive straight into the ground, she was knocked out cold.”

“But, Rainbow’s been hit by lightning many times,” pointed out Twilight, “I know storms that form over the Everfree are supposedly different, but while it’s fortunate few ponies have ever been hit by their lightning, those few cases don’t indicate the Everfree storms are any different than regular storms in terms of overriding natural pegasus weather insulation to a level beyond minor singing.

“Yeah!” suddenly came the ever-recognizable voice of Rainbow Dash, followed by her slightly singed form storming out from the doors separating the waiting room from the rest of the hospital. “Seriously, I had more harm done by Derpy accidentally demolishing part of the town hall on top of me! I appreciate all of you girls coming to see if I’m alright, but you all should know it takes more than a simple lightning bolt to ground me! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a storm to go see destroyed!”

“Hey, you can’t just leave!” hollered out a doctor giving chase – the same doctor, the girls noted, as the one who treated Rainbow after she broke her wing – behind the blue pegasus. “You need to have your bill of health cleared first!”

“All of Ponyville needs that storm cleared,first!” retorted Rainbow, who launched into the air as soon as she was out the door…only to crash down when her wings wildly flapped about uselessly.

“I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash,” stated the medical expert, walking up to the crash landed flyer, “but you’re obviously not in any condition to take flight.”

“What are you talking about?! I feel fine!” Without missing a beat, Rainbow jumped into the air with every intention to ascend higher. However, she suddenly found herself flapping her wings uselessly, barely able to hover before having to touch back down. “N-no, I…I shouldn’t be having this much difficulty taking off! How can this be?”

“Because it was an Everfree storm that hit you, Dash,” said Twilight, leading the rest of the girls outside to Dash, “and given the last time something from the Everfree hit you, it was the Poison Joke that screwed up how your wings worked.”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

“Rainbow…the lightning that hit you…I think it’s given you memory loss. You can’t fly…because you don’t remember how.”

The Sunday after school had let out, Cheerilee found herself heading to visit the town hall. Unlike practically every other teacher in Ponyville, her assignment as the sole teacher to Ponyville Elementary only applied to the normal school year. When it came to volunteering for summer school duty, she needed to get her assignment to whichever of the three other public elementary schools she would be working at: Whitetail Elementary, Forest Edge Elementary, and Lakeside Elementary.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Cheerilee!” came a haughty voice, the embodiment of everything Cheerilee hated about this day. As if waiting for her, three ponies – all of them unicorn teachers from the other schools - stood in front of the town hall’s front doors, and Cheerilee was only too familiar with them. The one who had addressed her: a mare of dingy yellow coloration with a blue-and-orange mane, was a teacher from Forest Edge named Breakfast Club, her cutie mark a detention slip superimposed over a red X shape. The other two were Tough Love, the trio’s representative from Lakeside who had a soft red coat matched to hair colors of white and gray and a bandaged heart for a cutie mark; and Failing Grade, Whitetail’s most notorious teacher as illustrated by her cutie mark of a test slip marked all over with red marks, her coat a pearl gray and mane of mixed red and brown stripes.

“Hello, ladies,” replied Cheerilee, keeping her composure for the sake of professionalism. “You here for your summer school assignments, too?”

“Oh, like we need to be told where to volunteer our time,” scoffed Tough Love. “I mean, we’re at actual schools that have more students than just twelve colts and fillies. Schools that actually think we’re good at our jobs.”

“Pfff, yeah!” laughed Failing Grade. “At least we’re not like somepony who only got the job at that ancient walk-in closet because her best friend from high school just happens to be the mayor and is going to be booted the absolute second the district scrapes together enough funds to build an appropriate fourth school campus to replace that tool shed once in for all.”

“Hey, let’s be fair, ladies,” chastised Club, though Cheerilee only knew too well that Club was not, in fact, suddenly defending her. “If nothing else, Chickadee here can get a job as the schoolhouse museum’s tour guide!”

“For Celestia’s sake, the name calling got old back when we were all in middle school,” deadpanned Cheerilee. For whatever reason, Club, Love, and Grade had been a trio of friends who seemed determined to bring Cheerilee down as far back as the days just after elementary and they’d gone to Ponyville Middle. Back then, the three had come from Forest Edge, as it was the second oldest of Ponyville’s four primary schools given Lakeside and Whitetail hadn’t been built at the time, while Cheerilee was Ponyville Elementary alumini. Maybe they just thought her place as a teacher was out of line because she was an earth pony and had come from “the hick school” as they’d called it, with the continued harassment the result of having to even acknowledge years later that she was a colleague of theirs. Or maybe it was the fact she’d gotten the scholarships that they believed had belonged to them way back when. Whatever the reason, Cheerilee had no way to figure out what it really was and to that end, the three still had more clout in the educational community and it was all Cheerilee could do to simply hold onto her position in it now that she’d stopped applying to get out of it.

“School really never does end for you teachers, does it?” interrupted a fifth voice. As the four teachers turned, Mayor Mare stood in the now open doors to Town Hall, shaking her head. “Honestly, I just don’t get how any of you think you can set examples for your students when you behave just as badly as they do when you’re not in front of a chalkboard!

“Actually, we don’t use chalkboards at Whitetail anymore,” boasted Grade, “since that’s the only school in the area selected to help field test the new dry-erase boards that are supposed to be more economical and easier to use.”

“You mean those chalkboard-like things that use markers instead of chalk?” asked Cheerilee in her deadpan. “Funny, I would have figured you would like it just so you can sniff the marker fumes.”

“You take that back!” Failing Grade instantly assumed a crouch as if she was going to tackle Cheerilee. But the Mayor suddenly putting herself between the two stopped any chance of that happening.

“All of you!” she barked, “In my office! NOW!”

After a brief, private meeting – or more like “chewing out” – in Mayor Mare’s office where the politician berated the four teachers for their behavior, the four crestfallen educators sat in uncomfortable silence as the usual pattern for the day resumed. One by one, the mayor would call them in, usually in alphabetical order, to individually give them their assignments for summer school volunteer work. Normally such a task would instead have been handled internally, with each teacher simply going to their school’s principal for the same purpose. However, the Ponyville Summer School program had been designed with the idea of “loaning” teachers between schools if need be, so it was easier for the mayor to do the job instead as it was more convenient for teachers to go to the center of town than visit each school to find out their assignment was in another building. Cheerilee, of course, didn’t have the option to visit the principal of her school instead of the mayor, because Cheerilee was the principal.

Except this time, it was Cheerilee who was left as the last mare waiting while the other three got their information.

“Well, look who’s at the bottom of the pile this time, eh?” taunted Tough Love, waving her little packet of info as if trying to make Cheerilee jealous.

“Come on, Toughie,” groaned Failing Grade. “I’m not letting you get us dragged down with her because you wanted to keep picking that fight. Some of us actually have jobs to do.”

“Heh, yeah!” agreed Club, “I’m sure we don’t want to be around whatever shitstorm’s about to befall our dear colleague!”

Cheerilee pretended to not hear as the three other mares faded out of earshot, leaving the building. Then she took in a deep breath. “Alright, Mayor, what kind of shit am I in now?”

“Look,” sighed the fake-color-maned pony, “just step in, there’s a lot I need to discuss with you.” Wordlessly, Cheerilee complied, using her tail to close the door behind her.

The teacher wasted no time; “I knew it - Ponyville’s finally building that larger school and I’m basically fired, aren’t I, May?”

“Well, I haven’t heard that in a long time,” noted the Mayor. Or, as she was really named: Pinkamena Mayline Mayre. Her namesake was her true mane color, which was a hot pink; but after a certain Pinkamena Diane Pie moved to town, the mayor decided it would be better to just go by “Mayor Mare” and dye her mane gray to avoid any confusion. However, the only pony other than her parents who ever called her “May” was Cheerilee, as the two had been quick to befriend one another in their early days back at Canterlot University. “But no, Cheeri, you’re not fired. Celestia knows you’re the best teacher Ponyville’s got at its disposal.”

“Phew, that’s a relief! Though if I’m not fired, what am I here last for, exactly? Is there something about my assignment as a summer school teacher this year that’s of a private nature?”

The mayor sighed. “Well, yes and no. The key thing is…you’re not going to be teaching regular students. There simply aren’t enough to justify having to burden you with working this year.”

“But what about-“

“You and I both know those three only do that because they have their sights set on higher administrative positions, not because they honestly care about doing anything more than their jobs requiring of them. They didn’t need to know I’m pulling some strings to get you out of the program this year.”

Cheerilee chuckled as she shook her head. “Well, thanks May, but-“ Whatever the mulberry mare was going to say next was cut off when the Mayor raiser her hoof.

“Don’t thank me yet; getting you out was more of a necessity than me simply abusing my station. You’re not going to be doing summer school teaching because you’re uniquely the only pony the town can turn to right now for a completely different matter.”

“Oh?” asked Cheerilee, confused. “What would that be?”

“Potentially one of national security,” the mayor stated gravely. “You’re the only pony with a degree in physical education in all of Ponyville that’s currently not laid up, retired, or otherwise unavailable.”

“You…need me to be a gym teacher? And what’s this about ‘national security’?”

May just shook her head. “No, Cheeri, I…no, everypony needs you to be a physical therapist.”

Cheerilee blinked. “I’m sorry, you want me to do what?” Plus, there was still that national security part to be explained….

“A few days ago, Rainbow Dash got hit by a bolt of lightning from that storm over the Everfree. Apparently, she’s fine in the physical sense but…she’s forgotten how to fly. Her insurance covers costs for flight retraining via a physical therapist in such an event, but since all the physical therapists in town are, as I said, unavailable, we need you because you’re the only pony left with any qualifications for the position.”

“May, I’m pretty sure a physical therapist needs more than just a Phys. Ed. degree.”

“Well, yes, erm…” Mayor Mare turned to ruffle through some papers before finding the one she wanted. “Ah, yes, here we go; along with the degree, a physical therapist – or substitute in this case – also needs to be well educated in being a nutritionist, have paramedic skills, and experience with therapeutic care.”

Cheerilee was silent for a long time, the indignant look on her face still glued to her features when she finally spoke up; “So you’re saying my brother is going to need to be brought in on this.”

May just nodded. “And there is the other thing, too….”

“Great, so I have to ask my brother - the doctor-”

“I always thought he was cute,” Mayor Mare admitted.

“He’s married. Quite recently too,” Cheerilee grunted. “Anyway, you’re asking me to have him come help me teach a pegasus how to be a pegasus simply because I suddenly need to use my otherwise useless Phys. Ed. degree, in addition to whatever else there is now?”

“Well, the only reason the council went along with this in the first place was, erm, you know what it’s like to be a pegasus, and I kinda, sorta told them it wasn’t a one time deal with you.…”

“You what?!” shouted Cheerilee, aghast. “Why the heck did you tell the council I can turn back into a pegasus?!”

“Because it would look good for the public image. Rainbow is a Wonderbolt reservist, so of course if it isn’t a pegasus doing the bulk of the work in getting her back in the air, most of the council thinks it would look bad. But like I said, you’re the best hope Rainbow has of relearning how to fly and-“

“What makes you think I know how to fly?! I was doing my damnedest to stay on the ground, flying was the farthest thing from my mind!”

The mayor took a deep breath, knowing she was going to have to play her trump card. “Cheeri, look, I know how much your job means to you, that’s the entire reason I throw as much support as I can into keeping Ponyville Elementary running and not simply turned into a museum piece. The fact you can run that place completely by yourself while still having class all day is the main reason the council keeps agreeing to keep it open, since otherwise there’s no point in having a building where only twelve students go when none of the other three larger elementary schools are close to reaching maximum capacity. And of course the support of both the Rich family and the Silver family since their children attend your classes goes a long way as well, but the point is I stick my neck out for you and your little schoolhouse far more often than I would like, and I only do it because you’re my closest friend. So, please, help me out here.”

Cheerilee sighed deeply. “Okay, fine. I’ll grow wings again…somehow…and have Mom teach me how to fly so I can then teach Rainbow. Please tell me there’s at least one decent benefit from all this.”

“Well, since Rainbow’s insurance is footing the bill, you’ll be paid for your trouble instead of simply volunteering, and doing this will be a significant boost towards lobbying to raise your salary and the funding to keep Ponyville Elementary more than just a monument to the old days of education.”

“Those are rather nice, so…I guess I better take my silver linings where I can find them. Though I can’t promise results and you are so going to owe me by the end of this.”

“Yeah, I know,” said the mayor. “I just hope for both our sakes we don’t regret this.”

“I’m already regretting it.”

Chapter 2 - "Playing with the Girls"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 2 - "Playing with the Girls"

“You want me to what?!” exclaimed Twilight, shocked at the proposition put before her.

“I know it sounds bad, but I’m sure you understand why,” reasoned Cheerilee. “Trust me, I’m not happy about it myself, and I know my brother isn’t going to be happy about it either.”

“Do you want me to send a royal carriage to get him? Unless he’s desperately needed, I can issue a royal edict so he’ll be on paid leave while he’s working with you and with the carriage he’ll be here by tomorrow.”

“That sounds great!” After a split-second, Cheerilee added, “Make that two edicts, actually; if what you’ve told me about Rainbow’s learning habits, I’m going to need Dusty’s help as well.”

“Consider it done. But the fact is you still want me to give you back the wings. You had them for a week and you went through a mid-life crisis.”

Cheerilee nickered. “Yeah, like I could turn the town on its head over a doll like when you had yours.”

The alicorn scowled in response. “That wasn’t a mid-life crisis. It was just a…rough patch. Besides, now that I’m the Princess of Friendship, that can’t happen again. But the last time I gave a pony wings? Rarity’s ego got the better of her and she nearly killed herself and the three most important Wonderbolts!”

“You were also still merely a unicorn, too,” pointed out the teacher. “You’re an alicorn now; heck, you did that thing where you turned yourself and the others into Breezies – an entirely different species! – so the idea you can’t turn me back into a pegasus is far less risky.”

“I dunno…” Twilight sighed. “Okay, look, give me a day to figure it out, I know you’re supposed to begin this retraining with Rainbow tomorrow, but I can lend you some books on flight theory that I used when I was still getting the hang of my wings; maybe those could help?”

“Better than nothing I guess, though I hope my backup plan for exactly this problem doesn’t fail….”

“You want me to what?!” exclaimed Swiftsprinter, shocked at the proposition put before her - by her own daughter, no less!

“Look, Mom, I don’t really have a choice-“

“Honey, you just told me in no uncertain words you wanted me to help teach you how to fly. After what you ended up telling us from last time, you sound like you’re going right back into that funk about how you couldn’t get that job at Canterlot U. for the longest time. What is this even for, again?”

Cheerilee sighed. “Okay, can I come in? You’d best be sitting down for this.”

Swift nodded, allowing her daughter to enter the house. “Will this be a long talk? Should I get drinks?”

“I’ll get ‘em!” a stallion from inside hollered out.

“Thanks, Dad,” replied Cheerilee, before taking her seat. “And yes, Mom, this is probably going to feel like a very long talk.”

“Oh? I very much doubt that, dear,” responded Swift as she took a seat across from her daughter. “After all, even if I was inclined to try and teach you for any reason, the fact is that you don’t have wings.” A moment of horrified realization came over Swift, then. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to get them back, are you?”

“Um, you see…”

“Are you okay, sweetie?” asked Stronghold, carefully walking in with a tray of three glasses filled with iced tea. “This isn’t like you, not at all. What in Equestria makes you want to go back to having to be something you’re not?”

His daughter looked at both him and his wife with a flat expression. “Because the government is literally begging me.”

Cheerilee’s parents blinked in perfect sync. “C-come again?” ventured Swift.

“Okay, you guys remember that big thunderstorm that allegedly was going to be a major disaster if it moved past the Everfree?” They nodded. “Well, I was told that Rainbow Dash was the only casualty-“

“Oh my Celestia, she’s dead?!” exclaimed the pegasus, her wings flaring out as if in emphasis.

“No, I think what our daughter means is the other way that word is used,” interpreted the unicorn, putting a foreleg around his wife’s neck. “As in wounded, not killed.”

Cheerilee nodded. “Yeah, she got hit by a stray bolt…or rather, she took the bolt after shoving another pony out of the way.”

“How badly was she hurt?” questioned Swift, her tone going serious out of habit. She’d had to deal with ponies of all kinds getting hit by stray bolts and this was sounding no different.

“She’s actually completely fine, except…” As she trailed off, Cheerilee tapped her forehooves together nervously, “…it appears the lightning strike gave her some kind of planar dystonia. Specifically speaking: She’s as flightless as a chicken.”

“Well, er…” stammered Strong, “that still doesn’t explain your role in all of this. Yes, yes, it’s clear enough you want to be the one to teach her how to fly, after your mother somehow does that to you, but you’re not a-“

“Personal trainer? I know. However, for whatever reason it seems that every single one of Ponyville’s personal trainers are unavailable.”

“What about ones outside of Ponyville?”

Cheerilee looked at her parents. “They tried that, too. Short of the Wonderbolts’ personal on-duty trainer - who’s with the team while they’re on-tour in Bitaly - every single physical trainer in Equestria is overworked, on vacation, or otherwise unavailable. How do you think I got into this mess?”

“But you’re not qualified to be a personal trainer anyway…are you?”

Cheerilee shook her head. “The big three requirements for being a personal trainer are something about being a nutritionist, basic paramedical skills, and have a degree in physical education. I’ve only got one of the three, but you both should be able to guess what that is.”

“Honey, all that’s telling us is they want you to do a job because…you can be a substitute gym teacher?” Swift looked at her daughter skeptically. “Or did May have something more to do with this?”

“She told the town council I could be a pegasus again, and, given the lack of any present physical trainers, apparently they think it would be for the public image if it’s a pegasus teaching Rainbow to fly.”

“How in Tartarus did she convince them you were a better possibility for that job than Princess Twilight?”

“Because the princess has doctorates and maybe a PhD in a variety of academic subjects, but nothing in terms of a physical education degree like I do. That, and because she’s a princess, she might have royal duties or something necessary to attend to. On the other hoof, I’m not even needed for summer school this year, so I’m the best bet for this.”

Stronghold cleared his throat before saying his piece. “I’m sure that makes sense to you – somehow – but isn’t it still cutting corners, possibly illegally, to just have you teaching Rainbow?”

Cheerilee shook her head. “No, as long as there’s somepony else who can provide the paramedic skills and whatever it is a nutritionist does, things should be okay.”

Swift furrowed her brow. “So…you need me to not only teach you how to fly, despite you not having wings, and also be an on-site paramedic? The fact I still have a job to go to notwithstanding, I’m not qualified to be a nut-“

“No, mom, I don’t need you to use up vacation days for this, I just need you to teach the flying and all.”

“But, who is going to be-“

Cheerilee took a very, very, very deep sigh before cutting her mother off. “Silver.”

Meanwhile, in a hospital bed, Rainbow lamented the end of days;

“MY LIFE IS RUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!”

“There, there,” comforted Fluttershy, the only one of Rainbow’s friends that had been able to stay this late into the night, as everypony else had things that needed to be done. “Just because you need to learn how to fly again doesn’t mean you need to learn to love it again, right?”

“But I suck at learning!” wailed Rainbow, acting more like Rarity in “drama queen” mode than was really necessary for the moment. “And how am I supposed to learn something that I was practically born doing?”

“Don’t be so dramatic, even I was able to flap around when I was a month old,” pointed out the soft-spoken mare. “As is true for everypony who is born with wings, it’s natural instinct for pegasi infants to try flying without understanding how to control themselves. You know, the whole ‘latent wellspring’ thing we were taught back at Cloudsdale Elementary?”

Dash looked at her lifelong friend with an unamused frown. “Did I not just say I suck at learning? I don’t even know what ‘latent’ is supposed to mean!”

“Nevermind,” sighed Fluttershy. “The point is that for somepony who practically is more bird than pony like you, relearning to fly isn’t going to be nearly as bad as you think. Besides, I checked with the doctor and he said your insurance will cover the costs of a physical trainer. Someday in the future we’ll all look back on this as a minor inconvenience and laugh about it.”

“You might,” retorted the athlete. “After all, you’re not the one whose dreams of being on a Wonderbolt main squad are so close to happening and yet are now in danger of being destroyed because of something as stupid as a lightning bolt!”

“Well, it’s not like you haven’t been through worse, right?”

“Excuse me?” questioned Rainbow. “You wanna explain how not being able to fly because I forgot how is not the worst thing to ever happen in the history of Equestria?”

Uncharacteristically, Fluttershy’s mouth slightly smirked as she replied, “So you’re saying that being grounded for a little while is worse than what poison joke did to you a few years back which involved Spike using that old nickname of yours?”

Rainbow opened her mouth to say something, but then thought better of it. “Fine, you have a point there,” she snorted. “I just hope whoever gets the job of teaching me how to be a pegasus again at least knows what they’re doing.”

“What are they doing?!” exclaimed Breakfast Club, aghast at what she had just heard. “They let her get that job?!”

“Well, she does have that Phys. Ed. degree,” reminded Tough Love. “Guess she’s getting the last laugh on us for once since all that mocking we did of her in getting that useless thing just got thrown in our faces.”

“I raise 300 bits,” said Failing Grade, tossing a few plastic chips into the middle of the table. “And I wouldn’t put too much stock into it, girls. Red Tape is kind of a jackass – I should know, given I’m happily married to the son of a bitch after he stole my heart – and he knows we kind of have it in for that “drain on the education budget” or so he calls or mutual annoyance. No way would he approve of such a thing but he’d tell me it happened anyway just to piss us off.” She then sighed dreamily. “Oh Celestia I can’t help but love that stallion for that - keeps me on my hooftips, y’know?”

“I call,” said Love, pushing a stack of her own chips into the center of the table. She did so roughly, causing the pile to spill over when she stopped moving it with her hoof. “I’m sure you two have fantastic angry sex, but that’s not the point.”

“Fold,” sighed Club, pushing her five-nine offsuit away and writing off her losses from being the big blind. “I agree with Toughie, as much as you wish Tape was the boss of town, he’s still just one pony on the advisory council to the mayor, who as we all know is one of Cheerilee’s closest - if not quite honestly one of her only -friends. What else did he say about what happened?”

“Well, Tapie said that in light of there being no available physical therapists,” the unicorn recalled as she dealt out the community card trio, “the fact that Cheerilee had a phys. Ed. degree wasn’t the only reason she was a good substitute, since Rainbow’s pretty much one of the most important ponies in town and is a Wonderbolt reserve member, so the fact that this local teacher who qualifies as a substitute gym teacher was also a pegasus at-“

“Whoa whoa whoa!” interrupted Breakfast Club, her attention snapping back into the conversation full time. “Cheerilee actually got turned into a pegasus that one week I was vacationing in Los Pegasus?”

“You still don’t think we were telling the truth about that?” questioned Tough. “Oh, uh, check,” she added, tapping her cards twice.

“Check,” answered Grade, flipping the fourth card on the table. “But yeah, we said it back then and we’re telling you now: Cheerilee randomly gained wings for a week and her life was utter hell!”

“Bet.” Tough Love pushed 500 bits worth of chips into the pot.

“Good thing I got lucky at the roulette tables that week,” groaned Club, “since for whatever reason Princess Luna won’t be merciful on me and stop giving me nightmares of that one night with the four hookers and the tuba, and I honestly can’t believe I ended up living through that crucible instead of watching that upstart harridelee flit about like an idiot.”

“Call, and I swear to Celestia on her throne if you talk about that damn tuba one more time,” growled Grade, “I’m gonna make you feel as lightheaded like a pegasus – without wings.”

“Fine, but only because I might be able to see her try to teach a pegasus to fly, and they don’t teach earth ponies how to fly at Ponyville Elementary.”

“Well, you might get better than even that,” replied the dealer mare with a smirk as she flipped the fifth and final card. “I don’t recall exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of Cheeri being a pegasus wasn’t a one-time thing.”

“So are you saying that she’s not only going to be trying to teach Rainbow Dash something she doesn’t know how to teach while serving in a position she legally isn’t qualified for, but she’s going to basically be learning that stuff so she can fly at the same time?”

“I don’t know about you, Club,” commented Tough Love as she pushed all her chips into the table, “but this summer might be worth having a stay-cation for that embarrassing spectacle! Oh and All-In, Grade.”

“Call, now flip ‘em!” grinned Grade, “and yeah, summer school duty sucks but at least one of us won’t have to deal with that ‘inspirational’ hick who they gave an entire school to for her to run, decrepit old shack or not.”

“Yeah, maybe this whole situation might even get her out of our manes for good, y’know?” Breakfast Club laughed lightly, before frowning at the cards on the table. “You went All-In on that, Toughie?”

Love scowled, “Hey, I wasn’t going to last three more rounds of blinds, and a pair of 2’s is better than nothing!”

Club could only facehoof. “I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: the fact you went all in on a pair of 2’s when none of the five community cards give you anything decent…or the fact you beat Grade’s Ace-King off-suit because she didn’t match anything on the table either!”

“You would have done the same thing in my position. Oh, wait, you are in my position, shortstack!”

The pseudo-ringleader of the trio looked at the three chip stacks on the table, realizing she was in fact now in possession of the smallest amount as Tough levitated the pot to her end of the table. Then, as if to rub salt in that wound, a timer went off behind her.

“Ah, that would be the signal that the blinds just went up - 200 bits for small blind, 400 for big,” said Grade, placing her ante into the emptied pot. “So pony up, Club, you’re small blind.”

“Fine,” snorted Club, tossing her forced tribute to the Sunday Hold’em game she was hosting in her abode, but she quickly cheered up after reminding herself of what she’d just learned. “But at least I’m not like Cheerilee, who is going to be just as blind as the pony she’s teaching.”

“And here we are once again,” groaned Dusty as the little innsmouth of Ponyville came into view.

“And when we go back home, we know not when!” half-sang her husband Silver. He earned a glare for his trouble. “Okay, sorry, but the rhyme was too easy to make, hon.”

“Make it again and it’s the couch you’ll be making when we get back.”

“Yes, dear.”

“We’ll be landing in about ten minutes, Dr. Sutures and Mrs. Chalkboard,” announced the pegasus guard pulling the chariot.

"So I wonder what adventures await us?" Silver said softly, almost as to himself. In turn, as if almost to answer him, Dusty looked at him with a gentle smile, then at the ground below. She said a multitude of words in that sole glance, and far more than she would ever voice.

A second later, she followed ideas with words: "Whatever it is, at least we'll have time to spend with Cheeri. I still worry about her after that last time."

The grin on Silver's face as the chariot began its descent was one of anticipation. "Whatever happens next, I'm sure it's going to be grand, love. I'm sure it will be."

Cheerilee rocked from side to side uneasily, knowing she was going to be asking a lot of her brother and sister-in-law…maybe more than she had last time, even. “Well, this time he won’t be involved, right? I just know they’re going to not be happy about having to deal with me switching sub-species again, but the idea of having to handle working with Discord for any reason is probably a no-go for Dusty. She really did not react well to being a unicorn for all of a few hours, if the extensive detail of her headaches in the letters she sent me afterward were any indication.”

“Nah, he’s got his plate full. Celestia asked him to be in charge of designing a new Royal Maze Garden that’s gonna be implemented in time for this year’s Nightmare Night.”

The teacher raised an eyebrow at that. “Is that really a good idea? I mean, didn’t he do that thing with the gardens way back when he broke out of his stone prison and decided to rewrite existence?” She shuddered at the memory. Like everypony else, she’d been “Discorded” at the time and her behavior influenced to be the complete opposite of her normal self...which horrifyingly ended up meaning she turned into as much of a bitch as Breakfast Club and her compatriots were on a daily basis. There might also have been something going on with everypony’s colors losing all color and shifting to monochrome gray shades, but given Cheerilee didn’t want to think about being like her professional pain in the ass rival, she chalked up any possibility of darker-colored ponies to Discord making it constantly overcast. Which made sense as he had some weird fixation on chocolate rain happening every hour or something, too.

“I thought the same thing, but apparently Discord finds the task of designing a maze that doesn’t break the fabric of reality a refreshing challenge, or so he told me,” said the princess as she shrugged. “Apparently, he’s never tried to design a maze that has a linear path to the exit before, at least one that doesn’t involve moving walls that keep blocking it.”

Just then, the chariot touched down gently outside the schoolhouse, coming to a stop just short of the building. The unicorn and his wife disembarked, evidently glad to be on solid ground once more.

“I trust your trip was pleasant, Dr. Sutures and Mrs. Chalkboard?” asked Twilight.

“Well, for a two hour trip in nothing but a carriage, I must say it was very…interesting,” answered Dusty. Having met the princess on their previous trip to Ponyville, neither she nor Silver made to bow – as per Twilight’s request, as she felt it unnecessary when she was not doing princess type work.

“First time in the air?” piped up the pegasus still hitched to the cart, noting Dusty being a little shaky, “or are you just not the flying type?”

“Both.”

“Ah, well, it takes some getting used to. I wouldn’t know of course, since I’m on the other end of this thing, but I’m sure you two can take the train back since chariots aren’t used by civilians unless it’s by royal order, and that’s usually when speed is of the essence.”

“Indeed it is,” said Twilight. “After a flight like that, I’m sure you need some rest, so I’ve arranged for you to spend the night at the local garrison before you take the chariot back to Canterlot tomorrow.”

“Thank you, your highness,” replied the pegasus, bowing, before he took off with the chariot towards a warm bed and a filling meal.

“So, now what’s really going on here?” asked Silver once the guardpony was out of hearing range. “The last time Dusty and I were here, we had to save you from yourself, Cheerilee.”

Cheerilee laughed nervously. “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.” I hope, she added in her thoughts.

“Dr. Sutures-“ began Twilight, but he held up a hoof before she could continue.

“Please, just ‘Silver’ will be fine, princess.”

“Ah, er, okay, Silver. Anyway, I had you and your wife brought back to Ponyville, on Cheerilee’s recommendation, because we are in need of a pony such as yourself with your skills.”

“But, I’m a doctor…”

“And a health nut,” added Cheerilee with a smirk. “You are still qualified to be a nutritionist, are you not?”

"No, I turned in my nutritionist badge ages ago. Now I subsist on nothing but Burger Princess and Cheetos."

“Well, I do make a mean tofu patty,” grinned Dusty.

Cheerilee just nickered in response, “Okay, better question: Silver, the only thing keeping you from being a physical therapist is having a Physical Education degree, right?”

Realization struck the doctor unicorn like a sack of bricks. “Cheers, you need me to help you be somepony’s physical therapist?”

“Um…yes?”

Silver just stood, mouth agape, at the mere idea of what she was suggesting. “Ok, before you tell me whatever else is going on that’s going to make the general idea of this look like a good idea, how in the world did you get Princess Twilight to abuse her-“

“Please, let me explain,” interupted Twilight. “Yes, I am aware that under normal circumstances, this would be seen as a violation of numerous stipulations for both your occupation and Cheerilee’s. However, every possible physical therapist in the realm is unavailable for various reasons, and…” the princess sighed. “It’s Rainbow Dash who needs therapy.”

Dusty gasped. “OhmiCelestia…she was the one who got struck when that giant thunderstorm was around here? We heard about it back in Manehattan but a name was never given. Of course, now that we do know, that kind of information would be received…poorly since she’s saved the world countless times with you and the rest of your closest comrades.”

The princess nodded solemnly. “Yeah, Rainbow took a lighting bolt when she pushed another pegasus out of the way. She’s actually perfectly fine…except she forgot how to fly.”

“Well, it sounds like she needs to simply be retaught, not physically retr-Cheerilee you did NOT!”

Cheerilee shook her head, “Nope. I didn’t volunteer myself for this.”

“Okay, phew!” The Manehattan mare sighed in relief. “After last time there’s no way you-“

“May pretty much volunteered me instead because of last time.”

Silver shook his head in disbelief. “No, don’t go into the specifics; I don’t think I’m hammered enough for whatever the hell May was thinking to be explained to me right now. But how have things even gotten this far? You aren’t a pegasus anymore, sis!”

“Not yet, I’m not,” replied the mulberry mare, kicking a forehoof idly back and forth. “But, if I’m going to be teaching Rainbow Dash how to fly again, I pretty much need to know how to fly myself, and there’s only one way to do that.”

“And that’s have me teach today, apparently,” suddenly came the voice of an older mare, to which Silver instantly recognized.

“Mom!” Silver turned to see the descending form of his mother from on high, landing right next to him and dispensing a nuzzle of welcome. Chuckling nervously, Silver turned to his sister while his mother went over to give a welcoming hug to her daughter-in-law. “This was just a joke on our part, right? Mom’s gonna be the-“

“Nope. Gotta be Cheeri. Who knew that having that physical education degree was so important to the law in these kinds of matters?”

“The idiot who wrote them,” grumbled Cheerilee. “Trust me, folks, I’m not a fan of having to go through Hell Week all over again, but May has been my best friend since Canterlot University and she’s calling in a few favors I still owe her on this one, something about how it would be good for the ‘public image’ or some line of crap she’s feeding the town council. Plus, it’s been set up that I’ll be paid for my services with a personal trainer’s salary, which would be a nice supplement to my salary instead of unpaid volunteer work as a summer school teacher as usual.”

“Well, that’s great and all, but…what are we doing here, exactly?” asked Dusty. “I mean, unless Rainbow Dash is coming, which despite it being Monday the lack of wings on you, Cheerilee, suggests…not?”

“No, the lesson plan for today is mainly mom just lecturing at me about flight basics. Twilight says she’ll be ready later tonight to…*gulp*…turn me back into a pegasus.”

“Meanwhile,” piped up Swift, “you two lovebirds can move your stuff into the guest room at my and your father’s place. At least, what’s still left from your father going ahead and trying to move your stuff in even though I told him not to.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right,” remembered Dusty, “I forgot other pegasi had taken our luggage. But why aren’t Silver and I there, again? We’re not getting ourselves turned into pegasus ponies…right?”

“No, I just wanted two you here for the lecture so you’re just as on top of what Cheerilee’s trying to teach herself. In case anything goes wrong and I’m off at work, of course, so Silver knows what parts are going to inevitably get sprained, and so you can try to help keep Silver and everypony else sane during all of this.”

“Indeed,” agreed Twilight, “and on that note we probably should get started.”

Later that night, Cheerilee was finally starting to realize just what challenges she was going to have to face in learning to do something earth ponies were not meant to do.

“Come on, once you get going, it’s easy to get the hang of!” comforted Twilight. Following Swift’s excessively detailed lecture on Flight Basics 101, the fine degree of motor control required had made Cheerilee’s stomach get tied up in knots just thinking about it. As the only pony of the group who even remotely had been in a similar position as Cheerilee, Twilight had brought her back to Golden Oaks for reassurance and, hopefully, getting the ball rolling on Cheerilee truly knowing how to fly.

“I know, I know! But I hadn’t even managed to get my wings fully under control last time before Discord came around to restore me to having four limbs!” exclaimed Cheerilee, clearly stressing out. “ I’m supposed to master something that looks insanely harder in less than a day so I can at least prove I know what I’m talking about! Even you couldn’t get the hang of flying when you first got your wings and you’re an alicorn!”

“Yeah, I don’t disagree on the difficulty,” admitted the princess, rubbing the back of her head with a foreleg. In truth, she would have argued she’d at least had a better start on flying education from at least understanding how to ride air currents, plus alicorn wings were a completely different structure compared to normal pegasus wings (and she didn’t even want to get started on how changeling wings couldn’t possibly work with magic due to the forces and her limited understanding of how bumblebees could fly), but Cheerilee was already suffering from information overload. “But it’s not like you’re trying to teach, um….”

“Scootaloo?” Cheerilee’s eyes widened as that can of worms became a possibility. “Oh, Celestia, she’s going to see me trying to teach Rainbow Dash to fly, so she’ll want me to teach her how to fly, but if those medical records-oh! Forget I said that, I’m not supposed to disclose that kind of information without consent!”

“I was going to say Fluttershy, since she tends to get vertigo in varying degrees of severity and has extremely weak wingpower output anyway,” said Twilight. “Plus, I already know why Scootaloo can’t fly. Believe me, I already tried looking into that and she seemed a little too eager to explain when I suggested I try some strengthening magic on her. Plus, between you and Rainbow Dash, she’d rather learn from Dash since you’re normally her teacher for everything else, while Rainbow is her big sister figure.”

“Oh, y-yeah, you have a point there.”

The alicorn just shook her head. “Anyway, I know you’re not at all eager to do this, but…I’m ready to work my magic whenever you are.”

“O-okay, just give me one s-second…” replied the schoolteacher, taking a very deep breath to calm her nerves. It’s not going to be that bad! She thought, because even though the last time this happened it sucked horribly, in the end it helped you be more reassured with yourself as a pony – an earth pony. Besides, if the worst comes to bear, there’s always the cider reserve hidden behind the medicine cabinet, or in the secret panel under the couch, or in the stash concealed up in the attic crawlspace, or-

“Cheerilee, you okay?” asked Twilight, concerned at the sudden silence from the previously shaking mare.

“Wha-?” she quickly replied, as if snapping out of a daze. “Uh, yeah, okay, let’s do this!”

“If you say so. Now, just hold still, and relax…” Twilight charged her horn, illuminating it in a bright violet glow. Cheerilee caught her breath, more than slightly intimidated, but she forced herself to moderate her breathing lest she start hyperventilating. Closing her eyes, she thought of the ultimate reward that awaited her once this was all over.

There is booze waiting for you, Cheerilee, just hang in there. It will be over before you know it…

Five minutes later, the tingling sensation stopped, but Cheerilee only was gifted when it came to typical academics and not the finer details of magic that changed a pony’s subspecies, so she didn’t dare move – much less open her eyes - until Twilight said so.

“Okay, Cheerilee, you can open your ey~eeeep!” came the voice the teacher had been waiting for, but the high pitched squeak at the end was not promising. Cautiously, almost exactly like she’d done that morning a while back, she opened her eyes and looked to where her wings should now have been. On the left side, the plumed appendage looked as if it had never gone away in the first place. But on the right…

“Twilight…” ventured Cheerilee, the horror slowly building in her voice, “...this isn’t a pegasus wing!”

Chapter 3 - "Great Furballs of Ire"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 3 - "Great Furballs of Ire"

Deep within the library of Castle Canterlot, Discord was creating quite a stir. Not a frequent visitor to places of order, the fact he was capable of even existing as a spirit of chaos in a location built around the Hoofy Decimal System had set everypony else on edge. For those who managed to look past that, it was even more of a shock that he wasn’t causing chaos beyond his presence being totally unusual in ways such as making books constantly change locations and render them impossible to find without searching every single title, or just changing the titles around on books so novels about castle building would instead be titled How to Protect your Filly from Bad Social Groupings and the like.

Rather, if he was causing any kind of chaos, it was ordered chaos. Several books and charts slowly floated around him, the only distinction of Discord’s magic on them being the lack of an aura around them. In front of the draconequus lay several large drafting sheets, the designs on them varied and yet similar, plans for what looked like a very complicated puzzle in the style of H.Y. Thresher. Many of the patrons of the library were concerned, not quite sure what to make of the relatively unchaotic nature of Discord’s current activities.

“I must admit, I didn’t think you’d take to something so, well, simple compared to your more notorious endeavors,” commented Celestia as she approached the chimera.

“Oh, come now,” chided Discord as he drew with his forepaw/talons on one sheet and his tail making a circle with a compass on another, “making elaborate mazes is basic elementary for one such as myself. No different than a sphinx only being as good as their riddles, or a chef when it comes to how many ways they can cook an egg, or even how many ways Pinkie Pie can throw a party. It’s a core skill of mine and a refreshing exercise such as this is tantamount to me staying on the top of my game, especially since this whole ‘reformed’ shtick you have me under isn’t really an encouragement for more…elaborate methods.”

“Uh-huh,” was all the princess said, eyeing some of his designs. “Though, while I did put you in charge of designing the new hedge maze for this upcoming Nightmare Night, I’m not quite sure that is going to be received well.” She gestured with a hoof to what looked like a Mobius loop that, if it functioned at all like what it looked like, would have ponies standing upside down at the top of a loop with nothing to stop them from falling to the ground except magically restricted physics. “Please don’t tell me you got the idea of upside-down ponies from that one book…oh, what was it called…”

Discord looked up with a bemused grin. “Yes, I admit I got the idea for that from Flames of Disaster, absolutely rubbish book but the amount of problems it had were pretty amusing, to me at least. Besides, what fun would there be if I just left it as a totally flat maze? I already did that with Twilight and her friends a few years back and given what I did then wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for little fillies and foals going through this, I think spectacle over outright scares in terms of focus will work.”

“But some ponies have some pretty bad cases of vertigo, so it would be kind of limiting if they come up to see the maze only to be scared off by the presence of being flipped over with their sense of what direction is up all wibbly-wobbly.”

“My dear Celestia, even though I am trying to make myself a better individual these days, the mere fact my name is associated with this as the designer is going to intimidate a large number of ponies. Plus, by the same token, being the go-to chaos spirit means I do have a reputation to keep up.”

Celestia shook her head and chuckled. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you the one who said ‘what fun is there in making sense?’ and yet here you are, doing exactly that?”

Discord shrugged. “Hey, neither of us actually figured we’d ever see as close to eye-to-eye as we are now, either.”

“Point. Anyway, the real reason I’m here is to give you this,” Celestia said as she conjured up a letter. She kept talking as Discord plucked the letter from the air, unrolled it, and then proceeded to read it while holding it upside down. “Apparently, Twilight needs your help urgently.”

Discord nodded. “Indeed, it must be disastrous if she needs to call me in. Or…” he then grinned mischievously, “…it’s somehow a matter I was already involved with in a way.”

Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Explain.”

“It was back when I went off to go pester Twilight and Cadence in the pretense of me being sick, of course all I succeeded in doing was actually getting sick, but I did unintentionally turn the local schoolteacher into a pegasus.” Celestia made to talk, but Discord quickly raised a paw to silence her. “Oh, it’s not a problem from me not having fixed it, I did so as soon as I learned what the bunny had accidently made me do. What actually is the case here is your faithful ex-student decided to try doing the same thing I did, only with certainly more chaotic style than I honestly wouldn’t have expected from the little bookicorn.”

Suddenly, Celestia realized why Twilight’s last letter had been saying that Rainbow’s condition was “being treated to the best of her abilities” while the actual wording and frantic pen strokes had suggested anything but. “I don’t think I want to know…” she groaned.

The chaos spirit laughed good naturedly, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not like that one time I heard about where Twilight decided to make the whole of Ponyville’s population maul each other over a toy like it was the Hearth’s Warming shopping season six months early. I’ll cover this one, truth be told I actually want to run some ideas by Pinkie Pie and maybe pick up some sweets while I’m at it. I’d get some for you, too, Princess, but since you’re on that diet thing I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I didn’t bring back as much when I return.” Before Celestia could react, Discord snapped his avian digits and instantly disappeared, leaving floating books and drawings to fall to the floor, only for a select few to suddenly rise up and vanish in a cloud of smoke.

“This is all kinds of wrong,” groaned Rainbow.

“Oh, come on now, you sleep on the ground all the time!” ribbed Fluttershy with a warm smile. “Did you not just spend a few nights in a cot at the hospital, anyway?”

“Yes, but that’s different and you know it!” retorted the displaced pegasus. “Hospital beds – or any kind of bed that isn’t private, come to think of it – have spells put on them so they’re equally comfortable for all pony kinds. But this…this isn’t even a cloudbed mattress!” To prove her point, Dash immediately jabbed a hoof into the cushion before her. “Oh, uh, so it is a cloudbed. I, um, didn’t know they came in futon style.”

Fluttershy just shrugged. “I had it custom made. To be perfectly honest, I only have it simply so I can sleep on it.”

“But you have a bed upstairs, don’t you? Or is this somehow supposed to mean you would give up your own bed if somepony was to stay over?”

The timid mare rocked side to side uneasily. “Well, yes, though this was back when you were helping me move to Ponyville all that time ago, before either of us had even met Pinkie, and I just thought it would be good if I had a spare bed around for whenever you needed to use mine.”

Rainbow looked at her fillyhood friend with a raised eyebrow. “And you never told me of this? Wait, no, don’t answer that, I can get a good enough idea given how long I’ve known you. Still, thanks for letting me crash here seeing as how I can’t even get to my house anymore.” With an irritated growl, Rainbow unfurled her wings and flapped them up and down to highlight how she couldn’t even make them generate any lifting force from a static position.

“Of course, what are friends for if they aren’t loyal to one another?” Fluttershy then opened her mouth wide, but only quietly yawned. “Anyway, it goes without saying that you’re free to make yourself at home, you’ve been here enough times to know where everything is anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t need the grand tour, Fluttershy. You, though, clearly need some sleep.” As Rainbow turned to look at what would be her bed for the foreseeable future, her gut involuntarily wrenched a little as she wasn’t sure if sleep was going to come as easy as it usually did during her daytime naps.

If there was one good thing about Discord’s one action since his arrival, thought Twilight, it was that he’d been laughing so hard for so long it had gotten both her and Cheerilee to stop freaking out about what had happened. Now the pair just looked unamused at the contorting snake-like creature who rolled about in the air in fits of laughter.

“Oh…oh the looks on your faces!” guffawed Discord, desperately and fruitlessly trying to keep back the tears. “I must admit I knew you would try something of this nature, Twilight, but…nothing quite like this!”

“Well, we all can’t be changing pony types willy-nilly,” pointed out Twilight with a half-growl, “need I remind you of what you did to me and my friends back when we first met face-to-face?”

“Hey, I thought that was all water under the bridge at this point, no? Besides, all I did back then was simply ‘remove’ your horns and their wings, I didn’t go so far as to change your biology. And I certainly didn’t accidently turn part of any of your into a changeling!”

At that remark, Cheerilee shrank back a little, hiding her deformity. Where a purple feathered wing should have been, there was instead something quite different; a blueish-green insectoid appendage instead appeared to have been grafted into her midsection, where on the opposite side an actual wing had sprouted on a regrown extended scapula – the term given to the appendage bone linking the wing to the rest of a pony’s skeletal system.

Twilight noticed the chimera’d pony’s discomfort and nickered out of stress. “Look, can you fix this? I’d do it myself, but…I’m afraid I would only make it worse.”

Discord finally stopped moving around in his airborne spot, a raised eyebrow facing the diminutive alicorn. “Did my ears deceive me? Did the great and powerful Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship, admit she was bad at something with magic?”

The princess sighed. “Yes, I’m asking for your help to deal with my mistake, I may take pride in my magic abilities but I’m not too prideful to admit when I screwed up.”

Discord laughed. “And here I was thinking you were never going to say that to my face!” He then snapped his fingers and Cheerilee was momentarily engulfed in a pure white light. When the light faded, two purple wings proudly fanned out from the teacher. “I won’t lie, the news about Rainbow’s little problem did trickle down to my ears when news reached Canterlot, and I would expect Fluttershy would insist that I do what I can to help out her fillyhood friend. And while I myself know a thing or two about flying,” Discord then changed into his familiar, well-dressed unicorn disguise only with pony-sized versions of his normal wings tacked on with what looked like scotch tape, “it would appear that fate has conspired to make that task fall to you, dear Cheerilee.”

“Uh, thanks?” Was all that the properly-winged pseudo-pegasus could manage. Cheerilee couldn’t tell if Discord was commending her or what, it was impossible to tell what he was really feeling, emotion wise, at any given time in general. Unless Fluttershy was involved, for she was the only one who had managed to crack Discord’s shell. To her, the chaos entity couldn’t pose any defense against for some reason.

“Ciao, bella!" the draconequus said, symbolically kissing Twilight on the sides of her muzzles, while suddenly sporting a green beret with a red puffball on it. Twilight broke away, shocked at his actions...only to find candy chocolate kisses stuck to each cheek. Grinning - and where did that wire thin mustache come from? - he got into a gondola and bowing, said "But I really must be going, as I do have a maze to plan and since I'm here in Ponyville, I might as well run some ideas by Pinkie. Arrivederci!" With that, he suddenly stepped into a gondola - which, inexplicably was somehow in the original gondola he’d stepped in already - and somehow managed to pole himself away, the small boat sailing off into the distance while organ grinder music lilted in the air.

“That’s…probably the most helpful Discord’s ever been, frankly,” stated Twilight, “in terms of direct help, anyway.”

“Where…where did he go?” asked Cheerilee, trying to understand what just happened. “He just sailed out of here…but not out the door…how…?”

Twilight opened her mouth to explain, but thought better of it. “I’ll be perfectly honest: you don’t want to understand how he did…that. Truth be told? Your brain is probably going to start reeling in about half an hour and you’ll collapse from confusion. Plus, you’ll most likely want to wake up early tomorrow to get reacquainted with your wings and the material you’ll be teaching Rainbow. Class starts tomorrow, no?”

“Y-yeah, you’re probably right,” agreed Cheerilee, who already was starting to feel lightheaded. She barely remembered walking home and managing to get to her bed. The fact she’d forgotten to change out her mattress, let alone ask Pinkie Pie to loan her that spare cloud mattress like last time, didn’t register in mind or body as the exhaustion of trying to explain how Discord had left Golden Oaks in the manner he had done. She’d briefly looked at mass-folding theory during college, before changing her major from physical science theory to education, and just as it had back then, the whole idea of whatever that stuff had been led to her effectively having her brain shut down from trying to comprehend it all. Flying was going to be a breeze in comparison.

“So, this is the big day, huh?” chirped Dusty, who was looking around the small interior of the Ponyville Elementary schoolhouse. “It’s been years since I’ve been in an elementary schoolroom, but I’ve forgotten how bright and cheerful things are at the start of a young pony’s education!”

“The way you make it sound, your own classroom is about as colorful as the grave,” remarked Cheerilee, who was seated at her usual desk and reviewing her notes from the impromptu class her mother had given her the day before.

“Oh, believe me, when I say my students are the brightest thing in my classroom aside from myself, I’m not talking about their intelligence. Though at the same time, I’m not like my husband who virtually blinds himself by staring into bright lights all day like a dentist.”

“Just because dentists are also called doctors doesn’t mean I’m a dentist, honey,” snarked Dr. Silver as he entered the tiny institution. “Plus, when I stare into the bright lights, I save lives, not just teeth!” He then turned to Cheerilee. “And how the heck can you stand working here when the bathrooms are in a separate building? I mean, they’re nicer than outhouses by far, but is making young ponies hike outside to do their business really a good idea? Especially during the winter months?”

The teacher not married to Silver looked up with a small smile of amusement. “We’re covered in fur, brother, dear; we don’t wear heavy winter clothing like other species. Besides, while I would be fired on the spot for saying this to any students or their parents, there is some logic in the idea that the colder weather would mean the kids have more incentive to…you know…”

“Ok, first thing I’m going to do when we get back to Manehattan,” suddenly declared Dusty, “I’m gonna write a request for Manehattan U. to implement outdoor bathrooms during the winter months.”

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment, Dusty.”

“No, it’s called payback for the cruel and unusual punishment of having to try and teach kids who don’t give a damn about the history of their country!”

“Now, Dusty, I’m sure there’s more…legal ways of getting revenge without forcing them to freeze their crotches off when they-“ ribbed Cheerilee, before the yelling of the dubious “guest of honor” started to come into earshot.

“Look, I appreciate the sentiment, girls,” loudly argued Rainbow, hovering in the air in front of Twilight and Fluttershy, “but I don’t need lessons to learn how to fly again!”

“Be reasonable, Rainbow,” chided Fluttershy. “Even you weren’t born flying out of your mother’s womb, so for all your skill you had to learn it.”

“So? Nopony’s born with their cutie mark, or know what their special talent or whatever it is our butt brands are connected to. But you’ve known me since Camp Youngflier and I was already outdoing the instructors when I was five!”

“Are you forgetting how pegasi need more than just bumblebee physics to fly?” countered Twilight. “It’s your inherent magic that keeps you up, but how it channels through yourself is key. And right now, you need to relearn how to do that.”

Agitated, the blue pegasus rolled about in the air without really moving from the same general spot in front of the princess. “But…but…they didn’t say anything about doing unicorn type stuff back at camp! We’re ponies with wings, but not wings that shoot lasers or whatnot!”

“Says the one pony that influenced the cutie marks of six ponies, including her own, because she had to just go faster?”

Rainbow, disarmed, merely grumbled and folded her forelegs over her barrel, resigned to merely float in her wine-hued magic prison, held within Twilight’s mental grasp.

Victorious, the princess grinned. “Besides, you know you need help relearning to fly, and your insurance covers physical therapy so you aren’t being forced to pay for what’s necessary for you to get back to your job, unless you want me to throw some of my royal clout around and make it so I’m the one who’s going to get you back in the air.”

After the frustrations Rainbow had been subjected to courtesy of Twilight the last time the alicorn had tried to teach her – in that instance, the history of the Wonderbolts via flash cards – and the fact Rainbow herself had helped instruct the then fledgling princess on how to utilize her new pair of limbs, the pegasus was none too eager to relive that humiliation. “Uh, no, no, what’s you’re doing right now is good.”

“Besides,” added Fluttershy, “if you really are as much of a natural at flying as you seemed to be, you shouldn’t be flightless for more than a week, tops, since you just have to reacquaint yourself with the basics, right?”

“Yeah,” shrugged Rainbow, “I guess you’re right. Hey…hold on, why are we going to Ponyville Elementary?”

“Oh, that’s where your therapy is going to take place.”

“But it’s a schoolhouse. A small schoolhouse. How in Equestria am I going to get therapy inside a building where the ceiling is shorter than most of the homes in Ponyville proper?”

Twilight bit her lip before replying, “Well…it’s going to be a very unorthodox style of therapy, honestly.”

As the magic around her began to dissipate, Rainbow waited until she was fully on the ground before taking a deep sigh. “Please don’t tell me it’s Bulk Biceps inside this building. I’m not sure I can handle hearing ‘YEAH!’ shouted at the top of his lungs every five minutes for potentially a whole week at the least! Sure, I get the idea it’s supposed to be him being motivational and all, but you know what they say about too much of a good thing, right?”

“Uh-huh,” the princess answered as she walked past Rainbow to the schoolhouse door. “Because even Rainbow Dash thinks there can be too much Rainbow Dash, is that what you’re saying?”

The flightless pony nickered, though she knew it was just a playful jab at her ego. “Hey, I’m the exception, not the rule, your majesty.”

“Suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrreeeee…”

Rainbow then followed Twilight into the schoolhouse, intent on getting the last word in on Twilight’s good-natured assault on the disabled pony’s pride. But when she saw the three other ponies already waiting inside, she stopped dead in her tracks.

On the far side of the wall were two of the three ponies. The one on the right was an earth pony mare, her red-and-rose mane styled into medium-length lengths running down from her cowlick and complimenting her ecru coat (or at least “ecru” was what Rainbow could recall Twilight saying that particular shade of off-white, almost tan coloration was normally called), from which her bright emerald eyes stood out along with her cutie mark; a typical image of a schoolroom blackboard with a stick of chalk having drawn most of a heart shape. Rainbow immediately got the impression she was a teacher, especially from her cutie mark, but Rainbow hadn’t ever seen her around town. She wondered if she’d been called in for some reason relating to this “therapy” that supposedly was going to take place.

Rainbow then put that line of thought on hold as she looked to the stallion next to the chalkboard pony. He was a unicorn, slightly taller than the norm and slightly resembled the famous travelog writer Trenderhoof. It was the glasses that gave that impression, mainly, though the similarities went further, what with this stallion’s beige coat and the yellow-brown mane coloration. Unlike the travel writer, however, the style of the mane and tail were somewhat curlier, bearing slightly more than a passing resemblance to how Cheerilee’s typical mane style appeared, and his eyes were a brilliant icy blue. He was also wearing what looked like a white doctor’s coat, which coupled with his cutie mark of a stethoscope – which had the tubes leading up to the earpieces positioned such that the vague shape of a heart could be made out in the negative space – obviously implied he was a doctor of some sort.

And then Rainbow looked to the third pony, the one sitting anxiously at her desk, and Rainbow’s entire world was turned on its head. The pony looked like Cheerilee, had the same colors as Cheerilee, the same mane style (which a quick glance at the doctor pony almost immediately confirmed they were related based on the hair alone), and presumably the same trio of smiling flowers as a cutie mark. The only problem was it couldn’t be Cheerilee, because the schoolteacher wasn’t a pegasus. Unless…

“Hi, Rainbow,” greeted Cheerilee with a smile that wasn’t entirely natural and not-forced out of anxiety, “I’m sure you have a lot of questions as to what is going on here, and we’ll explain it shortly, but essentially…I’m going to be the one teaching you to fly again.”

Rainbow blinked, and then slowly looked at each pony in the schoolhouse in turn, including Fluttershy who as usual had been so quiet in entering that nopony had noticed she was there at all. The nervous smiles copied on all their muzzles confirmed the worst.

“Twilight…please tell me this is your attempt at a prank at my expense…” she said, her voice weighed down with trepidation as she could feel it in her gut that this was actually happening.

“I’m afraid not, Dash,” answered the princess. “The truth is that there wasn’t a single personal trainer who could be brought in to help you learn to fly, so because of that and some rash action on part of Ponyville’s committee, we’ve had to…improvise.”

Cheerilee sighed before she picked up where Twilight left off. “Apparently, I’m the only teacher in town who was both available and had a Physical Education degree, so combined with how everypony knows about my previous stint with wings, I’m legally the only one remotely qualified to get you airborne again for those reasons.”

“Um…ok…” was all Rainbow said, before looking at the still unnamed ponies in the room. “But why are they here?”

“They happen to be my brother and sister-in-law,” replied the teacher, a little annoyed at Rainbow’s attitude to her family. “Dr. Silver Suture, T.H. M.D. is, obviously, skilled in medical aid and also is a qualified nutritionist, so essentially he’s going to be filling the role of a personal trainer who does everything except actually instruct you do to things.”

“Hello,” said Silver, doing his best to be courteous in an awkward situation.

“And next to him is his wife, Dusty Chalkboard, who is here for…moral support, basically.”

“A pleasure,” piped up Dusty, who was already thinking about treating Dash as she would one of the more rowdy and “troublesome” students from her classes.

“And of course Fluttershy and I, along with Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack, will try to help best we can,” added Twilight.

At the mention of Rarity’s name, Rainbow turned pale. “Oh no…don’t tell me she’s handling my job of weather management while I’m out!”

“Actually, Ponyville General and every other medical center in town have politely requested her to be banned from ever handling weather again. Evidently, frostbitten sunburns on most of the town’s population is preferably something to be avoided at all costs, or so I hear.”

“Oh, I actually forgot all about that. I was just worried she was going to try dressing up the entire team in matching outfits and try to stage some kind of choreographed pegasus ballet.”

Cheerilee then laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Rainbow, you and I are probably going to be flailing around all over the sky before this is over with. Sticking Bulk Biceps in a tutu isn’t even necessary in light of the performance we’re going to end up giving the town whether we like it or not.”

Chapter 4 - "Cheerilee and her Mighty Wings"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 4 - "Cheerilee and her Mighty Wings"

“Ow, ow, ow!” whimpered Rainbow as she felt the bandage tighten around her left wing, the nerves sending her brain rapid signals of minor pain.

“And…there…we…go!” declared Silver, tearing off the roll of medical bandages from the coil now around the grounded pegasus. “You’re lucky you only have a moderate sprain, it’ll hurt for the rest of the day but as long as you don’t put pressure on it or, more likely, try to fly again, you’ll be right as rain tomorrow.”

“More importantly,” added a slightly miffed Cheerilee, “you’ll actually do exactly what I say you should do and not attempt to immediately take off into the air after only two hours of reviewing proper take-off practices.”

Rainbow nickered. “Hey, I had airtime, so no disrespect meant, Cheerilee, but I think I’ve gotten the hang of take-off now.”

“Uh, no, not really,” Twilight interjected. “Right from the start you tried to do a standing take-off from inside the doorway, immediately banked hard to your left because you had no control other than happening to lean that way, and then managed to glide in an arc over the roof of the school only to hit your left wing on the gutter on the way down on the other side.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, I get it that was a bad idea, given I’m going to be in pain for the rest of the day and not able to even try flying again. It’s a pretty annoying reminder I’ve got attached to my back so I’d appreciate it if ponies quit bringing it up!”

“Ahem!” grunted Cheerilee, attempting to regain control of the situation. “While it is important that, above all else, you don’t be the judge of whether or not you are back in top condition and are ready to try flying like you used to, I would like to point out that you’re able to get off the ground fairly easily, so that’s already significant progress inside the first day of your therapy!”

Cheerilee smiled when she saw Rainbow become less tense at the fact she wouldn’t need to go through more hours of “learning how to jump in the air while flapping your wings” which initially had been planned to be the subject of the whole day. While Rainbow was the first pegasus to lose her ability to fly from a freak Everfree lightning strike, she wasn’t the first pegasus who needed therapy to regain flight for whatever reason. Twilight had thus acquired a published guide for flight training therapy that, combined with what Cheerilee’s mother had briefly explained the day before, at least gave Cheerilee a rough lesson plan to work off of. Of course, the guide assumed the reader was both a natural-born pegasus and a licensed physical trainer, of which Cheerilee was neither, but if she could do a three-hour lecture on the finer details of discrete mathematics in college when her instructor had only given her a single-sentence lesson plan of “your subject is discrete mathematics”, having a full guide was foal’s play in her hooves.

“So,” asked Rainbow, “what’s next? After lunch, I mean.”

“Well, since it is lunchtime, maybe we can talk about your diet and nutrition?” suggested Cheerilee.

“And by we, you actually mean me I’ll bet,” chuckled Silver. “Trying to make me become less relevant in the long run already, dear sister?”

“Like you weren’t already going to lecture me about my eating habits at some point, Silver.”

“What, you mean after the part where I tell you that having multiple secret caches of hard apple cider-“

Rainbow’s ears perked up and she involuntarily throttled Silver, pinning him to the ground with a slightly crazed look in her eyes. “What did you say about ‘secret caches of hard apple cider?!’”

Shocked at Rainbow’s sudden grapple, Silver could only babble has he tried to figure out what had set her off. “I…who…cider what?”

“He’s joking, Dash,” quickly explained Cheerilee, but when Dash had closed her eyes in a sigh of disappointment, the teacher’s eyes shot a nasty glare at her brother that only too clearly carried the message of Don’t you get the point of why they’re secret caches? and a very understandable message of what she might do to him if he ever accidently forgot that again in Rainbow’s presence.

“Okay, Silver?” a very annoyed voice suddenly sounded, “you have three seconds to explain why you are in that position and there is a mare who is not me on top of you.”

“Huh?” Rainbow suddenly realized the very compromising position she’d put both herself and Silver into. “Oh, jeez! Look, Ms. Chalkboard, this isn’t what it looks like!”

To everypony’s surprise, Dusty immediately dropped the angry face and was laughing heartily. “I’m just messing with you all! Fluttershy and I were close enough to hear enough of the context having involved something about apple cider, and she was kind enough to explain you have quite an addiction to the stuff, or so it seems.

Rainbow’s face immediately turned as red as the streaks in her mane as she stepped off the stallion. “I am not addicted to it, thank you very much!” Then as Fluttershy herself stepped into view, the bandaged pony turned to look at her fillyhood friend with an expression of disbelief. “And why would you say such a thing about me, Fluttershy? I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends, Rainbow,” calmly replied the butter yellow pegasus, “but you have no problem dragging me out of bed at five in the morning – before Celestia even raised the sun – that one time a year or two ago just to drag me to wait in line for the Apples to start selling cider, and you still somehow barely got a mug of the stuff by the end of that whole episode with the Flim Flams, which until things got so bad to the point Applejack and her family nearly-“

“Okay, okay! Fine, so maybe I do have something more than a little unhealthy fixation for cider, given it’s my favorite drink in the whole world. Is that so bad?”

“Well…” began Silver, extremely wary of what Rainbow might do to him after hearing what he was going to say. “Given that you’re supposed to be undergoing therapy, as your interim nutritionist I have to insist you refrain from consuming any drinks that have alcohol in them or could otherwise impair your physical and mental capabilities for a short while.”

To his – and generally everypony else’s – surprise, Rainbow just shrugged. “Meh, no big deal. I rarely ever get the chance to drink it anyway. It wouldn’t have looked good for me back when I was still trying to get into the Wonderbolts Training program if I had a medical report that had me getting drunk way too much, so I only limit myself to one drink a month outside of cider season – because you’d have to be crazy not to get as much as you can of that liquid gold during its prime time – and I stick to that more than ever seeing as how I’m in the reserves.”

“Then why did you react so suddenly when I-“

“Did you know apple cider actually ages like wine? The longer it’s kept in storage, especially proper storage, it gets better over time. The idea that somepony has a whole stash of aged cider just makes my mouth water, and if it wasn’t obvious already I have some pretty bad impulse control, so cut me some slack, ok?”

The good doctor could only sigh. “Why do I have a bad feeling about what that says about your regular eating habits?” If there had been anything Silver had wanted to add, he refrained from doing so as the arrival of Fluttershy and Dusty got everybody’s attention.

“Lunchtime!” chirped Fluttershy as the pair began to unload their saddlebags and pass out boxes full of food. The original plan had been for everypony to head to the nearby Burger Princess, but when Rainbow decided to make her ill-advised latest attempt to fly, Fluttershy and Dusty had opted to just bring back food while Silver treated Rainbow’s latest injury. While hayburgers with select condiments and a pouch of horseshoe fries, plus medium soda, wasn’t the greatest of local cuisine, it was fast and cheap. Though Rainbow once again surprised the group when Fluttershy handed over her lunch. “And here’s yours, Rainbow; one large salad with a side of apple slices, plus water.”

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” acknowledged Rainbow, taking the box and taking no time to begin consuming the contents, halfway through chewing a bite of leafy lettuce and tomatoes before realizing she was once again the center of attention. “Fervioufsly?” she mumbled through her food-loaded mouth, before swallowing it down. “What’s wrong with me getting a simple salad?”

“Well,” said Dusty, “to be perfectly honest I thought Fluttershy was joking when she got a salad for both herself and you, since you seem to be the kind of pony who would go for the Double Harmony Haybacon Cheeseburger combo.”

“Are you kidding? Those burgers are loaded with carbs – the bad kind! No athlete on the fast track to Wonderbolt stardom like myself is that confident in their metabolism! Seriously, you’d need to be an alicorn princess to be able to keep one’s figure and still eat even a Princess Supremeburger on a regular basis!”

While nopony intended it, Rainbow’s mention of “alicorn princess” had them all look toward Twilight, who they realized was eating a Princess Supremeburger and a Double Harmony Haybacon Cheeseburger. Rather sloppily, too.

“Well, Silver, looks like you have your work cut out for you!” jested Cheerilee, lightly ribbing her brother in the side.

Just then, Twilight realized everypony was looking at her. “Um, do I have something on my face?” she asked, before promptly wiping her face…with the burger.
“Ineed, sister,” groaned Silver. “Evidently Rainbow Dash isn’t the only one who needs my services in one manner or another.”

“WhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” wailed Rarity, unable to control herself as she was dragged all over the immediate area at rapid speed.

“Well, gee, Rarity,” chuckled Applejack, “Ah’ll readily admit Ah don’t know the first thing about lookin’ fer gems with magic, on account of not havin’ a horn stickin’ outta mah skull like you unicorns, but Ah don’t think yer doin’ it right.”

“No, Applejack, I quite assure you that I – WHAAAA! – have everything complet-EEK!-ly under controOOOOOAHHHHHH!”

Applejack just shook her head, and then picked up the lasso she’d brought out purely on gut feeling, a feeling that evidently had been correct. With well-honed skill, she easily lassoed the airborne unicorn, but unexpectedly she found herself now pulled along for the ride. Together, the two ponies went flying all over with no idea how to stop.

“Uh, Rares?” hollered Applejack, holding onto the rope for dear life, “ya mind exercisin’ some of that control and stoppin’ this buckin’ bull ride?!”

"Dear, I might have...erred a bit. A slight mistake. Slight, you understand."

"Y' mean t' say yer wrong?"

"I...yes. I am not too proud to admit it...though it is not as though I make errors often. It would just not do for a lady to be erroneous, you understand."

“Oh fer…Look, Rares, Ah know you’re always wantin’ to be th’ ‘girl on th’ go’ or whatever, but Ah’m more concerned about gettin’ back to bein’ stationary than anything else right now!”

“Well, er…when I figure that part out, I’ll let you know!” The audible squee from Rarity’s apologetic grin only made Applejack roll her eyes. This was not what either of them had expected to happen when the farmer had asked for the fashionista’s help. Apparently, while plowing the fields for non-apple crops to be sown, Big Mac had accidently discovered the fields had become embedded with gems, probably having risen from the surface by some means after all these years of use. Thus, Applejack had figured Rarity’s gem-finding spell would be able to rapidly pluck the gems out, as leaving them in would only damage equipment and hurt the soil’s ability to support crops.

The spell backfiring and ultimately leading to Rarity –and now Applejack, too – flying all over the field while gems randomly shot up from the ground had made a simple but time-intensive task into a potentially harmful flight exercise neither unicorn nor earth pony could figure out how to leave.

Or at least not until Big Mac suddenly showed up out of nowhere and intercepted Rarity mid-flight, grappling her in a bear hug. The combined weight of Rarity and the most massive stallion in Ponyville immediately brought them to a slightly hard landing, leaving Applejack no choice but to let go of the rope and tumble through the air over them before making her own rough landing a few feet away.

“Ah thought you two were clearin’ the field of rocks,” said Big Mac, mild amusement in his voice, “not tryin’ to learn how t’ fly yerselves!”

“Trust me, Mac, the latter was unintentional,” nickered Applejack, who strode over and gave a weak knock onto Rarity’s still illuminated horn. Instantly the light died, and with it all the floating gems that had been raised out of the field fell back to the earth below.

“Ow!” whimpered Rarity, her head reverberating from the force applied to her horn. “Honestly, Applejack, do be careful, you should know any kind of blow to a unicorn’s most well known feature can be more harmful than you think due to the physical and cultural taboos of such a thing!”

The cowpony just chuckled, knowing Rarity was just whining for the sake of her bruised dignity. “Like Ah said, Rares, Ah wouldn’t know anythin’ about that kinda stuff, since Ah don’t have an extension of mah brain an’ skull comin’ outta mah forehead. Plus, better that Ah stop the spell before you up and go off flyin’ once more.”

Rarity sighed, knowing she had to admit defeat. “Oh, fine, I’ll excuse it this time, but only because you’re my friend, Applejack.” As she stood up once Big Mac was off her form, she surveyed the field. “At the very least I managed to accomplish what I said I’d do for you, albeit in an unusual way. All the gems, or at least the majority of them, should now be pulled from the ground and be ready to be collected. I’d also be happy to appraise them, provided I get to take some for myself and…” she glanced down at her coat, now ruined with dust and dirt marks, to say nothing of her mane, “once I tidy myself up with a quick trip home.”

“Don’t go flyin’ back, though,” jested Big Mac, “Ah’m sure the town’s already kind of uneasy having one non-pegasus trying to do that given what Cheerilee is doin’.”

“Ah still think she’s crazy for wantin’ to go back to bein’ a pegasus,” said Applejack. “Ah myself can’t imagine what it’s like havin’ an extra set of limbs on their back and tryin’ to coordinate legs and wings at the same time.”

“Applejack, do you really think so little of Cheerilee?” scolded Rarity.

“Of course Ah don’t! Ah said she was crazy, not that it was the wrong thing t’ do! B’sides, didn’t Twilight say somethin’ to us the other day about how Cheerilee didn’t really have a choice in the matter, anyway, ‘cause of somethin’ Mayor Mare did?”

“I do recall something about that being said, but I do hope it doesn’t have to do with the possibility of her losing her job. The town council has been trying to make Ponyville Elementary a historical landmark museum for years now, I suspect just because they want the tax credit on the education budget.”

“But if they shut the school down, what’s gonna happen to Cheerilee?” asked Big Mac, his sudden interest not escaping notice of the two mares. “Ah mean, we all know what our little sisters get into – Celestia above knows Ah know better than most – but is there anypony else who would have the patience to handle those three as much as Cheerilee?”

“Or Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara’s antics as well,” added Rarity. “I think Cheerilee’s managed to get into a position of respect from those two that nopony else, except maybe their own parents, can get from them. Letting her go from the education system would be a terrible mistake.”

“One not easily corrected, either,” agreed Applejack. “Chances are that she’d probably move out of town soon after, given Ah don’t think Ponyville’s educational system is in need of more teachers.” She suddenly caught the virtually unnoticeable change in Big Mac’s stance. “Okay, big brother, is there something about this you’re so interested in that you’re not tellin’ us?”

“Eeee-nope” said Big Mac with a straight face.

“Applejack, whatever are you…ohhhhhhhhhhh…” Rarity’s eyes gleamed. “Well, I’m certain that potion has worn off after all this time, so if what I’m starting to see is true, then maybe the Crusaders were more adept at playing matchmaker than anypony gave them credit for.”

“Come again?” asked Applejack, pretending to not know exactly where Rarity was going even as the beginnings of a wide grin began to form at the corners of her muzzle.

“Oh, don’t be so coy, darling,” continued the unicorn, playing along with Applejack much to the bewilderment of the stallion in their presence. “You know just as well as I do what a stallion is like when he’s got the hots for somebody.”

“Ah thought we agreed to never speak of the Trenderhoof affair again,” snorted Applejack, mildly annoyed even though she had to agree with Rarity’s assessment that lately, Big Mac had been acting somewhat oddly similar to how Trenderhoof had been around Applejack.

Big Mac, realizing what his sister and her friend might be up to, tried to make his way back to the safety of the house, but immediately failed when Rarity dashed over and draped herself over his neck. “And surely even you noticed how Cheerilee simply swooned over your performance that one time when Fluttershy was providing backup for your missing voice in the Ponytones concert?”

“Ah, er…” stammered Big Mac, a blush starting to appear on his cheeks which, given his natural deep red coat, meant he was blushing furiously. “Ah don’t think that’s proper to be judging her, since that wasn’t actually me singin’ then.”

“Big Mac, darling, just because your sister is not the most adept at lying because she’s the Element of Honesty doesn’t mean you can’t be able to get away with one or two…modifications of the truth. Your real singing voice is why you’re with the Ponytones anyway, so it’s not even that much of a stretch to begin with, we could simply say you had a cold or something! But yes, I can see it now, you two really do have an attraction to each other!”

“Well, Ah can, um, see you two have a lot to talk about, so…if y’all need me Ah’ll be pickin’ up gems on the other side of this here field!” Then with the speed of Pinkie Pie, Applejack raced off, her contained laughter released along the way.

Big Mac barely even registered his sister’s departure, his primary concern being just what he’d been dragged into. Ah knew AJ was going to pay me back for all those Trenderhoof jokes at her expense, he thought, just never thought it would be by leaving me at the mercy of one of her friends.

Cheerilee was at odds with her situation. On the one hoof, here she was, late at night, reviewing notes for reasons that ultimately had nothing to do with her, to pass an exam that was more of a self-administered test on herself than to prove to anypony else her worth. More specifically, she was reviewing a book full of tips and tricks meant for pegasus younglings who were ready to take to the air for the first time. She certainly was a young pegasus about that age in terms of skill in flying – which is to say, she’d managed to hover, but actual, sustained flight was still beyond her. Normally, as a schoolteacher, she only stayed up late this long when grading tests. And Celestia knows how much she needed her sleep these days, even with the cloudbed mattress.

On the other hoof, here she was, late at night, reviewing notes for reasons that ultimately had nothing to do with her, to pass an exam that was more of a self-administered test on herself than to prove to anypony else her worth. It was just like her college days, the sleepless and long nights of reinforcing concepts that to this day she still remembered but never used. Her hair was a lot less frizzy and she had long since stopped wearing the “rebellious” clothes of her younger late teens, but this…this was a harkening back to the days of yore. This was learning’s element, this was where she thrived.

Taking a deep breath, she finished her five-chapter run in the five-pound text, marking the spot before closing it. Rising from the stool, she trotted outside so she stood just a bit from her door, the light from inside still bathing her.

“Now or never,” she whispered, concentrating hard. She’d long since gotten the hang of her new wings, furling them out evenly and controlled like it was second nature. Then, applying what she’d spent the last hour-and-a-half reading, she slowly left the ground with the whisper-quiet flaps of her wings. It was an unsteady rise, she leaned almost too far to her left once or twice, but it didn’t take long to ascend to the height where she could easily step onto her own roof. While fifteen feet was hardly a milestone worth crowing about, it was the highest she’d ever gotten thus far. She breathed deep, swelling her chest out with confidence, then with absolutely no forethought immediately tried to take off from her roof.

By the time she realized she had executed a takeoff that relied on a wind to her back, from the top of her roof on a night where the wind was still, there was no time to recover before she careened into the ground.

“Back to the drawing board…” she groaned, dizzy and stumbling back into her house, failing the first time by half-walking, half-falling into a faceplant on her door’s frame. She succeeded the second time, managing to cling to her kitchen table at long last and shook herself back into focus. She then looked at the clock, “1 AM? I’ve still got time…” She then reached toward the floorboards and lifted up a false panel, gingerly setting it aside. Revealed to the world now was a concrete-lined miniature wine cellar, but it held no wine. Instead, it held about fifty bottles of Sweet Apple Acres cider, each one individually labeled with the year as to identify its vintage. She’d need to do a recount soon to remember how many bottles of the ‘good stuff’ she had remaining, but at the rate this night was going, she was going to need a little boost. Making sure to take a bottle that was only maybe a year or two old, she placed it on the counter before resealing up the hidden alcohol stores. Once it was back in place, Cheerilee then stood atop her hidden treasure as she opened up the one on the counter. “Bottoms up,” she said with a grin, then downed the whole thing in one swig. If this was going to be a revisit to the glory days of college, she might as well make it as authentic as possible by including the only thing she had that was better than a 6-pack of Ruby Minotaur.

The next morning…

“And so, in 957, King Minos XVI led his army personally in the ill-fated ‘Minotaur Invasion’ of Equestria,” droned Breakfast Club, not really trying to hide the fact she was just as bored as her hoofful of students were. “Traitors to the crown had sent him word that Princess Celestia had come down with a serious case of ponypox, crippling her such that she supposedly was confined to her bed. Without the matron of the sun and moon, King Minos was certain that his minotaur army was stronger than any individual pony in a hoof-to-hoof conflict, and his ranged forces had many more crossbows that, he claimed, could ‘blot out the sun’ in terms of how many arrows could be loosed at once.” She paused for a few moments, letting the students jot down notes before continuing. “Of course, the information he had been given was wrong, and the princess’s sickness nothing more than a bad head cold that had long since passed when she met the might of the minotaur army head on. King Minos had been correct in that his archers temporarily darkened the sky with their arrows, but they were powerless to stop her highness from simply using the sun’s heat to incinerate the arrows before they ever could pose a threat to the ponies below. Angered that the king was so petty as to willingly break the peace treaty between Equestria and the Minotaur Kingdom, Celestia channeled all her rage into ancient, terraforming spells that when unleashed forever would scar the battlefield into a wrecked landscape that we know today as the Badlands.”

One colt raised his hand, “why do we call it the ‘Badlands’ when their creation was what helped save Equestria from the minotaurs and forced them into the next peace treaty that has lasted to this day? Shouldn’t they be called the ‘Goodlands’ in that case?”

“I have no idea, Sweet Tooth,” replied Club, “I’m just telling you as it…is…one moment, children.” She wandered over to the window, where something moving fast had caught her eye.

“Is everything alright, Ms. Club?” asked another student.

“Yes, yes, everything is fine, just thought I…no…” The blue-and-orange maned mare couldn’t help but gasp when the thing that had caught her eye reappeared. There, in the distance, was an unmistakable mulberry colored speck soaring through the air.

Cheerilee.

She’d done it, somehow, that haridelle had actually managed to learn how to fly.

“Ms. Club?”

“Wha? Oh, sorry, sorry!” she profusely apologized, “just got distracted, that’s all!” Her students didn’t entirely buy the act, especially not with the slight twitch in her left eye and the miniscule signs of her calm smiles being possibly forced, but really as long as they didn’t talk if they knew what was good for them, Club didn’t care all that much. For the rest of the day, she was internally livid at having to watch her eternal bane soar through the air.

This is the final straw, mentally growled Club, feeling just as every bit pissed off as Celestia had been against the idiot minotaurs, for years that hick teacher has been overstepping her place, it’s time me and the girls put her back in it once and for all!

Chapter 5 - "Lead Me On (Because I Don't Have a Clue)"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 5 - "Lead Me On (Because I Don't Have a Clue)"

Growing up in Cloudsdale, Rainbow’s lineage virtually had determined that she would be one of the greatest flyers in Equestria during her prime time. Her father; Rainbow Strike, had been a minor league cloudball champion until he’d resigned in protest over questionable changes to the league’s ethical code and had since been Cloudsdale’s weather manager. Her mother, Firefly, was even more reason for why Rainbow had virtually flown out of her womb as opposed to being born conventionally; the mare had been a Wonderbolt reservist herself and could have made the team someday had she not gone and been married before regulations against married ponies being allowed in the Wonderbolts had been lifted.

As their only foal, Rainbow had come into the world with both all the love and the expectations of her parents, but they only set the bar as high as they believed their daughter could truly achieve. A bar they couldn’t set higher after she had only been the tender age of eight and, in the defense of a weaker pony she later befriended against some hardheaded bullies, smoked them all in a race by performing a legendary Sonic Rainboom. While she had not been the first to do so, the Sonic Rainboom being a trademark of the Prism Family bloodline which Dash inherited from her father’s side, it was only one pony every few generations of the Prism heritage that could pull it off even in their prime…at least until young Rainbow Dash immediately proved to be a flyer of such caliber that even the instructors at the flight camp were beneath her. While this had the unfortunate side effect of forever establishing her ego at a large enough size to be one of her major faults later in life, it had also given her the confidence at that young stage of life she needed to aim for the most vaunted place in the world as far as she cared: a spot on the Wonderbolts.

But in forever surpassing any degree of expectation her parents could realistically set for their child, Rainbow in turn unintentionally became the one who she had to prove herself to. Her insecurity about not living up to her own expectations, her ego of course having no small part in this false confidence streak at times, tended to get the better of her, especially after having met the five ponies who had become her closest confidants and, in one way or another, all had played key roles in even getting her to her spot as a Wonderbolt Reserve. And while Rainbow’s parents were thrilled at how much their daughter had accomplished at such a young age, the bridges she’d had to burn along the way still ate at her conscience in the back of her brain, her insecurity now forever bolstered by the looks of anger and betrayal from Gilda Griffin and Lightning Dust, two individuals Rainbow had been forced to cut ties with in the name of staying true to her real friends. Someday, she hoped, she could repair those friendships (and maybe they, in turn, would pull the sticks out of their plots because they were kind of jerks even when they had been on good terms with Rainbow), but until then all she could towards achieving that goal was to eventually surpass her mother and become a full Wonderbolt. And then marry Soarin’ because he was pretty damn hot, but while he had totally been hitting on her at the wedding of Twilight’s brother and sister-in-law, she needed to prove herself worthy to him now as well as herself.

And right now, she barely could hover for even five minutes after a week or so of therapy. In comparison, Cheerilee was doing aerial loops and other basic airborne tricks like a pro – and she wasn’t a naturally born pegasus! That worrying thought bellied an even worse concern: What if Rainbow wasn’t able to be as good a flyer as she had been before the lightning strike? Sure, she’d still keep her place as a Wonderbolt Reserve no matter what, her self-confidence dictated she would regain that much flying ability, but the difference between “reservist” and “main squadron flyer was like comparing how Twilight Sparkle could organize a party…to how Pinkie Pie could organize a party.

“Damn, sis!” exclaimed Silver as his sister touched down in front of the schoolhouse. “You really have quite taken to this whole flying thing, haven’t you?”

“Well, I don’t recall anypony saying this old pony couldn’t learn new tricks!” boasted Cheerilee with pride.

“Pity the same can’t be said for any of our students,” snarked Dusty. “Present company aside, of course.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if Cheerilee’s point was to prove that if she can learn how to do the basics of flight, then I should be able to be back in the air full-time in no time, right?” asked Dash, hiding her sense of dread about what else she could interpret.

“Yes, you should,” agreed Cheerilee. “Especially since Twilight has told me how much you like to boast about your accolades that came with being born to a pair of extremely athletic ponies and, much to my brother and sister-in-law’s chagrin, already have been eating very healthy as well.”

“But wouldn’t rushing things also be a bad thing?” countered Dash. “After all, if anypony should know how doing things too fast can make a problem worse instead of better, it’s me, right?”

“Just get in the schoolhouse,” nickered Cheerilee, to which Rainbow snickered past and into the door. But when Cheerilee tried to follow, she found Silver suddenly blocking her way.

“How many?” he asked in a stern tone.

“Huh? What are you talk-“

“How. Many.” He intoned again with slightly less patience.

Cheerilee sighed, no point in hiding it. “Two.”

Dusty, on the other hoof, was totally out of context. “Huh? Two what now?”

The doctor just grumbled. “By which my sister means three bottles of cider were consumed by her last night as she was doing something I thought she’d gotten over after college…or so she had informed me.” He turned back to look at his sibling with worry. “Cheeri, you know how easily you go downhill once you start going back into these binges of yours.”

The schoolteacher looked down and pawed at the ground nervously. “I know, Silver, but…while I know Rainbow trusts me- no, all three of us to get her back in the air, I’m the one who has to do the actual teaching and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to do the things I just did in the air myself if I hadn’t raided the cache last night.”

“So you do have a cider cache? Or is it more than one?” Cheerilee kept avoiding Silver’s gaze, to which he could only sigh again. “I’ll be perfectly honest, sis: I was surprised alcohol wasn’t involved the last time Dusty and I came up and you had wings. But now that you have wings and started drinking those bottles again? Even if I didn’t have a medical degree, I know it’s only going to make you crash harder than you did last time if you keep this up.”

“I know, I know, frankly I think both Rainbow and I were aware that I wasn’t really going to do much good since I hadn’t really known the sensation of flight, which now that I have flown, I can certainly tell you changes everything about how I need to teach her in order to get her through therapy. Plus, she really should be improving faster than she is given her history; hopefully that will kick in before a repeat of my last set of wings happens. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to start that ball rolling.”

Dusty said nothing as Silver let Cheerilee enter the schoolhouse to do her job. Once that had happened, though, she had to investigate. “Silver, does Cheerilee…does she have a drinking problem?”

Instead of answering, he simply took her head in one of his hooves and brought her in close for a muzzle-to-muzzle kiss. “I’ll tell you later, it’s…complicated, and not in the least what you think is going on, I can assure you of that.”

“So, what do we want to do today?” asked Sweetie, quickly adding “Besides getting our cutie marks, if it’s okay with you girls I wanna just do something fun as friends. Crusading for cutie marks is cool and all, but I think we need to give it a rest for a while.”

“Are you sure?” said Apple Bloom. “Ah’m not sure we’ve gone through the list yet.”

In response, Sweetie levitated over a thick book – the effort making her furrow her brow as her latent natural birthright was still developing in her young age – and let her mental grip release the book while it was still hovering. The tome hit the ground with a loud thud in front of Apple Bloom, the cover bearing the title Cutie Mark Acquisition Ideas. “Yes, we’ve done everything.”

“Even th’ Chrono Jump?” The yellow filly opened the book and took out a paper that had been clipped to one of the pages that indicated some kind of dance routine – named the “Chrono Jump” for whatever reason - that started with a hop to the left, then a skip to the right and a jump in place.

“Yes, and then we did the Chrono Jump again, too!” said Sweetie, rearing on her hind legs and putting her hooves on her hips to look a bit more imposing. However, she only accomplished throwing her center of balance off, her knees buckling in tightly and her arms flailing only to accomplish preventing her from falling forward and instead landing on her backside.

“Ya always had problems with th’ pelvic thrust, now that I remember the last three times we tried it. It just drove you crazy.”

“Gaaaah!” cried out Scootaloo, who had been off sulking at the window and evidently had no more tolerance for the Chrono Jump discussion. Walking over to her compatriots, she jabbed a hoof to the paper. “Now if you…” she glanced over to Apple Bloom, then Sweetie, before continuing, “look closely, you’ll see how you’ve been doing it wrong the whole time!”

“So you wanna do it again, then?” snarked Apple Bloom. She immediately found the Chrono Jump sheet instantly scrunch up into a crumpled ball aglow with a mint green aura that launched into her head and bounced off without much fuss. “Hey, it’s better than nothing, right?”

“Not as good as how Rainbow promised to have been spending time with me this summer,” nickered the pegasus, turning away to go sulk at the window some more. “I don’t blame her for not holding her promise, wasn’t her fault for the storm or that lightning bolt, but it seems all her time is dedicated to either her flying therapy with Ms. Cheerilee, or work!”

“Wait, work?” Apple Bloom was surprised. “But, Ah thought she couldn’t work because she couldn’t fly t’ push clouds around or stuff?”

Scoot shook her head. “No, that’s probably the worst part, moreso than even not being able to fly: She has to do paperwork.”

Twilight groaned. As the local tetrarchy representative of the country’s government, her various duties as a princess required various things to have to pass her approval. Things like the weather plans down to the exact day of weather team operations.

As written by weather manager Rainbow Dash.

If there had been anything Rainbow had somehow gained from being struck by magic lightning other than flight amnesia, it had sadly been not a significant improvement in her hoofwriting.

Maybe Cheerilee can teach her better writing, wondered Twilight as she tried to figure out what ‘shoot tweety caffeinated mounds dover sony hale’ could have possibly been intended to be, and not the sky kind, either…

“Scoot, we know how much you value her being your big sister, given you’re an only child,” said Sweetie in an attempt to comfort her friend. “But there’s nothing making this different from, say, Rainbow going off to Wonderbolts Camp a while back.”

“Wonderbolts Academy,” corrected Scootaloo. “And it is different because she and I had already planned ahead for her being gone that week far in advance by a few months!”

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. “But AJ told me she’d only got the acceptance letter minutes before taking off for her house to stuff that one gym bag full a’ toilets she needed. An’ no offense, Scoot, but if a pony needs t’ take multiple toilets and nothing else to some training day camp, ya gotta question her sanity.”

“I think Applejack said toiletries, things like toothbrushes, color crayons, and other basic health necessities.” corrected Sweetie Belle. “Rarity needs a whole ‘wheeled amore’ luggage…thing…larger than possibly Princess Celestia full of toiletries whenever she travels. For Rainbow? I figure she’d need only a toothbrush and toothpaste and maybe soap on a rope.”

“Why ‘on a rope’ exactly?”

“Because she wouldn’t want to drop it.”

Apple Bloom looked slightly horrified. “Sweetie, did you just say that-“

“What? What did I say? Isn’t it obvious that a pegasus using a raincloud shower wouldn’t want to drop his or her soap? It’s a long way down to the surface and soap doesn’t fly so much as it would fall through the cloud and plummet down.” The tiny unicorn then put a hoof to her chin in ponderance. “Or does it?”

That’s it!”

“What’s ‘it’?” asked Apple Bloom and Sweetie in unison, with a slight touch of wariness in their voices. While none of the three fillies would admit that any ideas they had come up with were bad in their own eyes – at least until they inevitably failed in the execution attempt – the non-winged fillies were in mutual agreement that Scootaloo’s ideas tended to have an even lower success rate along with usually having the messiest end results.

“I’ll take flying therapy with Rainbow Dash!” The young mare beamed happily, certain she’d worked out how to make Rainbow be able to live up to the promise of big sister time by simply making the therapy be their activities.

Her fellow two crusaders merely exchanged worried glances and wondered what they would be covered with at the end of this latest escapade. Apple Bloom made a mental bet she’d have to clean chalk dust out of her fur. Sweetie meanwhile was making plans to get high strength taffy remover to clean out her mane.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a much different kind of class was in session.

“Now hold still, dear,” said Rarity while levitating an uncomfortably large number of needles and pins…as far as her subject was concerned, at least. “You act like you’ve never had a fancy suit tailored for you.”

“Uhhh…nope,” replied Big Mac. He was perfectly honest, too. When it came to the Apple Family, formal attire was usually a luxury even for the mares among the farmers. He himself, though? Few stallions were as big as him, so even standard sizing measurements were beneath his mass. To him, the only thing he ever felt the need to wear was his trademark yoke, for whatever reason his immediate family all wore some kind of accessory, and since he’d inherited the thing from his late father, he only felt it was right to wear it as much as possible. Oh, and also on occasion his Ponytones sweater – which Rarity had also made – when the choir group did their usual performances during the cooler autumn months. But, much to his chagrin, Rarity was going all the way in helping him woo Cheerilee. And apparently that meant not only getting another article of clothing made, but it had to come with pants, too!

“I don’t see why not, at least not until now. You’re the brother of one of the closest confidants of a princess, after all, and if I could get Applejack to put on something nice every once in a while plus your other little sister Apple Bloom to do the same for Cadance’s wedding, it won’t kill you to put on something nice for when you’re ready to give Cheerilee the best night of her life!”

“Ah understand, but…pants?”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake…” grumbled Rarity, who only half-unintentionally jabbed a pin into the suit taking shape on the red stallion a bit too hard, causing him to wince in pain a little. “If my own mother can get around wearing pants with ease, then I can make you a pair of trousers that will feel so comfortable that you’ll forget you’re even wearing them! Besides, it’s not like you can complain about a free suit: I’m doing this au gratis partly because your sister happens to be virtually a sister to me as well as a friend, but also partly because having your measurements for a stallion your size will do wonders for Carousel Boutique in being all-inclusive towards stallions and mares who seek dresses, no matter their size!”

“Er…Ah’ll take yer word for it. Though Ah don’t see th’ need fer a suit, since Ah’m pretty sure Cheerilee won’t take to me tryin’ to be fancy when Celestia knows Ah don’t-“

“Oh, but you must!” she exclaimed, taking both hooves and putting them on Big Mac’s cheeks. “It’s virtually every mare’s dream to have a big, mighty stallion in a fancy suit sweep them off their hooves and off to utter bliss! Well, mine’s a bit more elaborate, admittedly, but it’s more or less the same, d’ accord?”

“Ah’d bet,” he said nonchalantly, eager to get this nightmare over with. Unfortunately, he realized too late that he’d just given her permission to extend this delusional moment for much, much longer.

“Oh, you have no idea, Big Macintosh!” chimed Rarity whimsically. She began cavorting around as if dancing or something, Mac noted, and…was her magic lighting up? Not daring to move lest he damage the unfinished suit, he could only warily look around as the enchantments spewing out of her horn began to drape a tapestry of illusion all around, transforming Carousel Boutique into some kind of dark, evil looking cave. Suddenly, a fancy dress shot in from what he guessed was a closet and somehow attached itself to Rarity, who then promptly collapsed onto a chaise longue that also had shot into the room, only from the other direction. “It would be just like the grandest fantasies of yore: the fair maiden, captured in a trance by a hideous haridelle!”

Just then, the image of some horrible mockery of an alicorn appeared. This was no pony, however, as instead of fur, the creature was clad in gnarled, black organic armor of some kind, its core wrapped in what looked like a jade-hued saddle, from which transparent blue wings were attached though they were tattered as if Rarity’s cat had gotten too close to them. From both its head and hindquarters were the suggestions of a mane and tail, but they were of a sea green shade and hung limply, like rotting seaweed. Atop the monster’s head sat a ghastly, contorted shape like that of a tree branch, right behind it a laughably small crown with four spikes on it that could possibly be mistaken for tiny antennae. But most telling of all was how the creature’s limbs ended with chunks apparently cut out as if from a hole puncher, like the creature was rotting away.

Quite frankly, Big Mac wasn’t so much alarmed at being so close to a fake Queen Chrysalis as he was wondering if this was at all accurate to the real one, and his sister’s recounting of meeting the changeling queen had been far kinder. Which didn’t make any sense at all given Applejack certainly wouldn’t have lied about describing something as hideous as Chrysalis.

Rarity, having “fainted” onto her couch, kept on talking, there being no brakes on the Rarity’s fantasy train. “Yes, the damsel has no hope of being saved, until her gallant hero rises to the occasion and bests the foul rapscallion, banishing it to the very depths of Tartarus itself!’

Big Mac had been paying too much attention to Rarity when he suddenly realized that “Chrysalis” had been sent flying through the air, her facial expression unchanged in an almost comedic manner as the magic caricature slammed back down into the ground and exploded in a cloud of magic dust. Turning to see Rarity’s hero, he saw…Spike the Dragon.

“Yes, I’ll be the one to save you, Rarity!” the young drake boasted proudly.

Evidently, that had not been the words Rarity had been expecting to hear, as she sat bolt upright from her couch and the dark cave of fantasy dissolving away instantly. “Oh, uh, Spike! What a surprise!” she said, a slight blush of embarrassment at having shown something she did admittedly know as being silly to a baby dragon, who not too long ago had been more of a monster toward her (albeit he couldn’t have helped it at the time) than Chrysalis ever had. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“Oh, Twilight said I could have the rest of the day off, so I decided to come help you!”

“I see! Well then...I, er,” the unicorn replied, slipping back into a more casual tone of voice. “As a matter of fact, I could use your help! See those bolts of fabric over there? If you could be a darling and haul those upstairs for me, that would be fabulous.”

“But of course, your prettifulness!” Spike bowed, then rushed off to do the assigned task. Naturally, each bolt was about three times wide as he was tall, and fairly heavy as well, so he quickly found the only means to get them upstairs was to haul them one at a time, slowly.

“Are you sure about that, Rarity?” asked Big Mac, not wanting to be left standing around in an unfinished suit for any longer than necessary.

“Big Mac, believe me, I know Spike’s help to anypony other than Twilight can be…disastrous, but at the same time, as long as Spike doesn’t get anywhere near my plumbing he does alright by me as well. But how rude of me, you still need a suit!”

“That makes one of us…” the farm stallion groaned.

The next day saw Rainbow waking up back in the confines of her own home. And boy was she happy to be back in the clouds. Her therapy with Cheerilee had been going great so far, the previous day having helped the recovering pegasus get enough strength that she could now get back into her own house instead of having to be a deadbeat at Fluttershy’s place.

Yeah, I love Fluttershy to bits, almost like an older sister who is only older by age, Rainbow thought as she stepped into the shower, letting the warm raindrops from the replaceable cloud ceiling – more efficient than the normal showerheads needed by unicorns and earth ponies - run down her fur and stretched feathers. But damn if I can’t stand that stupid rabbit of hers, who she treats like a deaf, significantly younger brother. Admittedly, Rainbow had her own surrogate sibling with Scootaloo, but unlike the rascally rabbit, the younger pegasus never did anything that would get on Rainbow’s nerves.

About half an hour later, Rainbow found herself wondering if she was going to be eating those words when she found more than her mail waiting at her mailbox.

“So, can I? Can I can I can I?” begged the orange filly, bouncing up and down like a ball of energized fur and feathers – like a tiny Pinkie Pie except orange and with wings.

“I…er…have you asked your parents about this?” asked Rainbow, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.

“Well, uh, not really,” admitted Scootaloo, “but since I want to do therapy with you, they’d just see it as big sister, little sister time, like usual, right?”

“Um, in a way, I guess?”

“Yeah, plus since you’re being taught how to fly, if I do the therapy too, maybe I can go flying with you for real even sooner!”

Dash could only sigh internally. Somehow, Scoot still couldn’t get it through her head that her…condition…wasn’t going to be something that could be rushed to stop being a detriment to her flying abilities. But Rainbow knew that, at the same time, it would crush Scootaloo’s heart and soul for her idol and big sister to tell her that no, she could not attend therapy with aforementioned idol and big sister. Furthermore, Rainbow knew there was a lot of promised sibling playtime that had needed to be postponed thanks to her workplace injury, playtime of the like which Scootaloo’s parents had told Rainbow Dash was good for countering the short episodes of cripplingly low self-esteem their daughter occasionally had about not being able to fly.

The blue pegasus could only gulp nervously. She could not possibly say no to Scootaloo in this matter, both because of her relationship, and because she had to live up to her role as the one who represented the Element of Loyalty. I just hope I don’t have to worry about Applejack’s honesty streak rubbing off on me, worried Dash, because this is going to require me to be anything but honest all day…

Chapter 6 - "Are You Ready for the Hot (Summer) Nuts?"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 6

If there was one aspect of teaching – as in regular teaching, not the loophole exploiting insanity of this whole “therapy” thing Cheerilee had been dragged into – that Cheerilee was still inexperienced in, it was the inevitable confrontation with the parental figure of one of her students. She’d only had the job as Ponyville Elementary’s sole faculty member for three years out of college and generally the only filly she knew of who had not been in her class those three years had been Namby Pamby, simply because her family had moved to Easy Mark. As a result, she’d not had to deal with any of the parents without the luxury of knowing them as local neighbors.

But this time, she needed to confront one of her own students…on the matter of another one of her students.

“Rainbow, you know this isn’t going to work!” the educator argued.

“I know it won’t, but I’m not like Applejack in being the Element of Honesty!” countered a flustered Rainbow Dash. “I can’t tell Scootaloo she can’t learn to fly!”

“Well, I certainly shouldn’t be the one to tell her! It’s bad enough that the fact I’m a fake pegasus gives her reason to believe that under normal circumstances, if an earth pony can learn to fly, a pony born with wings can do even better!”

Rainbow glared at Cheerilee. “Scootaloo isn’t Trixie Lulamoon, so let’s make that clear right now. Plus, shouldn’t she learn that there’s more to flying than just having wings? Don’t you cover that kind of thing in your curriculum anyway?”

Cheerilee, in turn, gave a flat stare to her “student” of sorts. “You’ve seen Scootaloo’s grades. Do you really think she would pay attention to that kind of thing?”

The older sister figure nickered. “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t tell Scootaloo no. I dunno, call it the curse of being the Element of Loyalty, of being a role model for somepony who worships the ground I trot on, but she’s not going to hear her learning to fly a lost cause right now from my lips.”

The teacher just facehoofed. This was supposed to have been an easy day: Rainbow’s progress was slightly behind where Cheerilee had estimated where they’d be, but that was from a book. A book that assumed she was a licensed physical trainer not trying to teach a pegasus from the basics on up. Thankfully, the book was written such that even she, a pony who had no clue about teaching pegasus ponies how to fly, could easily teach as if they-

“That’s it!” she exclaimed.

“What’s it?” Rainbow asked curiously.

“How much do you trust Dusty Chalkboard?”

“Your sister in law? I…I guess?”

“Rainbow, ‘guess’ is not a percentage, or a number, or anything that answers the question.”

“Oh, right, er…well, she’s a teacher, too, right? I figure since you and her get along well that she’s trustworthy enough, but she doesn’t know anything about flying, or have your wings.”

“Right, but I also have to be the one teaching you since I have a physical education degree, clearly one of the rarest things in all of Equestria. However, that’s only because I’m your supposed ‘therapist’ and this is all being covered by your status as a Wonderbolt Reservist. Scootaloo is not in any form of the Wonderbolts, or undergoing therapy, and it’s the summer.”

Rainbow shrugged. “Well, if you think she can do it.”

“Think she can do it? I’m positive she not only can, but will be happy to!”

“You want me to what?”

Cheerilee sighed. This…was not going entirely to plan. “I don’t think I misspoke Dusty, we can’t outright tell Scootaloo we can’t teach her to fly. She looks up to both of us and to do that would crush her hopes and dreams.”

“I’m still not entirely sure on the why she can’t fly,” intoned Dusty. “Seriously, at the very least, she should have some flight capability at her age since wings aren’t…um…well, there’s something you pegasi have that’s more than just wing power, since I did see that giant white one with the tiny wings fly around without issue earlier.“

“Why don’t you consult with your doctor husband, then?” snarked Rainbow.

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” admitted Dusty, who then immediately left the interior of the schoolhouse to go consult with said doctor husband, who at the moment was the only one watching over Scootaloo. Five minutes later, Dusty returned, an unreadable look on her face and upon taking her spot from a few minutes before, merely said “huh.”

“See what we mean?” reiterated Cheerilee. “As much as I hate to do this to one of my own students, we need to basically teach her to fail.”

“You mean I have to in order for both of you to save face.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Dusty sighed. “The things I do for family…”

The grateful sister-in-law immediately grabbed up Dusty in a big bear hug. “Oh, thank you thank you thank you! I swear to Celestia I’ll make this up to you!”

“How about you start with not…crushing…milungs…” Dusty couldn’t help but be worried that despite having been turned into a pegasus by Discord himself, Cheerilee still had enough earth pony strength to deliver barrel-crushing hugs.

Cheerilee immediately backed off and blushed. “Eheheh…sorry.”

Rainbow meanwhile just sighed as she went to the door. “Well, we’ve taken long enough; might as well get this over with and let Scoot know what the game plan is…” But when Rainbow opened the door to let in the doctor and the filly, the only two ponies kept waiting outside, she found the latter eagerly bouncing up and down right in front of the door.

“Rainbow! Are you guys done discussing the awesome flight therapy plan for today?”

“Uh…yeah, about that…” Rainbow averted her gaze from Scootaloo and put a hoof behind her head. “There’s some complications about this whole arrangement that you aren’t going to like…”

From inside, Dusty and Cheerilee watched Rainbow explain how Scoot was not going to be with Rainbow for most of the therapy, and as Scootaloo’s eager smile slowly drooped into that of a horrified frown, Dusty could only shake her head. “This is going to be a long, long day…”

“No,” corrected Cheerilee, who despite the situation couldn’t help but smirk a little. “This is going to be your opportunity to see what it’s like teaching a hyperactive filly whose attention will be on everything except the subject she should be focused on.” She then gave an “encouraging” pat on Dusty’s withers. “Welcome to my life as a teacher at Ponyville Elementary, Mrs. Chalkboard.”

Tough Love groaned, her boredom reaching almost intolerable levels. “Remind me again why we’re sitting out here pretending to be having coffee at Star Buck’s?

Failing Grade nickered in annoyance. “I already told you, we’re here to keep watch on anything that might pose problematic for Club. If anypony figures out what she’s up to and that we’re tied into it up to our withers, losing our tenure as teachers will be the least of our worries given what she needs to do.”

“No, I got that part, what I want to know is why she’s the one doing the dirty work while we’re here trying to participate in faked conversation.”

“Uh, because of the three of us, only Club has the kind of charisma to hide what she’s doing in plain sight? Seriously, didn’t you ever wonder how she – a pony whose name also is synonymous with ‘Saturday morning detentions’ – never actually served one?”

Love shrugged. “Because she was always striving to be more of a teacher’s pet than she thought Cheerilee was? I never saw her doing anything that ultimately would end up with her living up to her name, honestly.”

Grade looked at her colleague dumbfoundedly. “You’re telling me you never heard about…oh, yeah, you were off in Neighpon that month because of some wedding in your family.”

“What?” asked a shocked Love. “You’re telling me she actually did that?”

“Yep. How she managed to sweet talk her way out of the tar incident when it backfired on her is beyond me, but according to Club, it was Cheerilee who somehow moved the bucket from Wind Whisper’s locker to hers.”

The burgundy coated mare grinned slightly. “Oh, yeah, that incident. Now that I think about it, wouldn’t good ‘ol Cheeky-lee be a prime mark for being the recipient of that now that she’s got wings?”

The other gray mare tapped a hoof to her chin thoughtfully, “That is not a bad idea, Toughie. Granted, I don’t think we’d be able to covertly move a bucket of tar around without it being obvious of our intentions, but I think I could sweet-talk my husband’s re-election committee into giving me a spare jug of poster glue with no questions asked.”

“Glue? Seriously?” questioned Love. “Your husband is Red Tape. Didn’t he do the whole thing last election with all his ‘vote for petro’ crap being posted around town with actual red tape and it brought in some more good public opinion or whathaveyou?”

“His PR consultant advised against it, something about how doing it again might backfire since now that Tapie is actually in office, having the public see so much red tape from a governing official could be twisted by opponents into showing how much metaphorical red tape there is in the government. So this year his whole theme is about how he is going to be the only ‘red tape’ in the government or some other nonsense.”

Tough Love just shook her head, then seemed to notice something as she looked up. “Speaking of ‘red,’ what’s going on with those two?” She pointed with a red foreleg toward a pair of ponies having walked behind the far side of Golden Oaks in relation to where the two scheming teachers were sitting. There was no mistaking the appearance of the smaller mare’s painstakingly conditioned purple mane curls on her pale gray coat, no was there anypony else in Equestria who was like the larger red stallion with the cross section of a green apple for a cutie mark.

“No way in Tartarus those two are together for some simple reason like Big Macintosh wanting a suit,” theorized Grade, now leaning forward in her seat to see the odd pairing. “And after Rarity’s attempt to impress Trenderhoof actually made her into an ivory pig in overalls by the end of that disaster, I didn’t think the mare wanted anything to do with farmer stallions.”

“Generosity or not, I always have thought of that pony as being something of a gold digger,” came a third voice from behind, startling both Tough Love and Failing Grade out of their seats. As they quickly got to their hooves, they saw their compatriot Breakfast Club looking at them with an unamused expression. “I also thought you two were keeping a look out for me, no?”

“Let’s be realistic, here,” nickered Love. “You wanted us to stakeout the public library.”

“Yes, the public library where the third most powerful magic using pony calls home-”

“Third?”

“You know what I mean!” growled Club, following up with a facehoof. “Do I need to explain the plan to you two dingbreezies again?”

“Honestly? I think you’re just making a big deal about this, since…well, are you actually going to be doing anything illegal anyway?”

Club was about to give a reply, but then mulled it over. “Touche. Besides, it’s just getting information supposedly available to anypony in town. But at the same time, this is the big one in terms of putting Cheerilee in her place.”

“So, uh, what do you want us to do in the meantime?”

“While I’m doing…this thing, you two go figure out what that stud of a stallion is doing with the gold digger. If I remember correctly, Cheerilee’s got the hots for him and Rarity just loves the lovey-dovey crap, so if anything she’s trying to get them back together.”

“Wait, they were a thing?” asked a surprised Love.

Failing Grade just groaned. “Is there anything you were actually around to see within the past few years, Toughie?”

“I have a lot of family all over this planet, okay?”

“Ugh!” interrupted the irritated leader of the trio. “You two, go! Now!”

With sheepish grins, the other two unicorns quickly apologized before departing to shadow Rarity and Big Mac. Club could only shake her head. “Idiots! Can’t believe they’re what I have for best friends…”

“Look, Rarity, Ah ‘preciate you goin’ to the lengths that y’ done for mah sake, but Ah don’t think bein’ a hunnerd percent formal is going to work.”

Rarity nickered lightly. “Oh come now, Big Mac, you want to impress the mare, do you not?”

Mac nodded cautiously. “Eeyup, that Ah do, but Ah also know that Cheerilee’s not had th’ best luck when it comes to love.”

“Present company included?” teased Rarity.

Big Mac nickered. “As much as Ah don’t like how mah sister an’ her friends drugged Cheerilee and Ah into nearly gettin’ hitched like we were in Las Pegasus by makin’ the two of us fall into some fake-kinda love, the fact she and Ah keep schedulin’ trips to th’ market at the exact same time and seem to have agreed without words to meet at the exact same place where we just waste an hour or two just talkin’ before realizin’ we need to head home…well, Ah’d like to think that’s both of us tryin’ to make a step to findin’ real love between us.”

“I see. At least I know that if this does work out and you really do finally hit it off with Cheerilee for real this time, it’s not going to make your sister try to play matchmaker with my life. Goodness knows I worry she’s going to end up in some bizarre, multi-decade on-off relationship and never…well, enjoy marriage’s benefits.”

“Uh, arentcha single?”

“Oh, um, yes, that is true,” replied Rarity, blushing from having been caught off guard with such a remark. “But a lady can fantasize how having their true love to spend the rest of their lives with in a happy home, can she not?”

“Eeyup” was all the stallion said, not wanting to go into the details of the next level of what Rarity would consider “intimate” given that at the rate of insanity her concepts of close relations, it wouldn’t surprise him in the slightest if complex, obscure unicorn fertility rituals were the height of her wildest fantasies. In fact, he already would have told Rarity to stop helping him after she’d revealed how elaborate her plans for a simple date were going to be, but her natural Generosity had kicked in and she’d offered to reimburse Big Mac for how much this plan was going to cost him simply for dinner. After all, when the first words out of the mare’s mouth to describe the restaurant she’d picked out for him to take Cheerilee was “only the most high-class establishment in all of Ponyville,” the actual air inside the building probably was going to be valued as being worth more than the entire acreage of Sweet Apple Acres.

Pleasant Demeanor hated his job. As the maitre d’ of Le Cheval Epicurien - “The Epicurean Horse” to the peasants that didn’t know Prench, as his employer would often lament - he basically was the second impression ponies got when they entered the restaurant...the first being the giant brass door that reputedly had been imported from Bitaly and was worth more than his house. Having to stare at the damn thing all day when not running around dealing with rich bigots who were outraged that they got two or four pieces of garlic toast for their overpriced bowl of spaghetti instead of the three exactly specified on the menu, Pleasant was of the opinion it was a waste of money. As was the fountain that continuously ran behind him and probably sought to destroy his bladder control; and the hideously expensive - and in his opinion, gaudy as could be - crystal chandelier that the owner of the restaurant always claimed had been recovered from the ruins of the former castle of Unicornia, when in truth it probably was a cheap fake like most of the other things of “value” in the restaurant. For whatever reason, this establishment existed solely to give middle-class ponies the impression they were dining in the lap of luxury, no different than if they were at the ritziest diners in Manehatten or Canterlot. Unfortunately, it did the job a little too well as while the majority of the clientele were well-mannered (enough) average working ponies, there always was the occasional snob who believed the hype and just had to make a show of coming down to quaint little Ponyville to inevitably give their rave review of the restaurant because as Demeanor had come to realize, the size of a pony’s brain was directly inverse to the amount of money they could throw around like confetti.

There were exceptions to this rule, of course: the first was two of the most well-to-do ponies in Canterlot high society, Fancy Pants, and his ladyfriend Fleur Dis Lee. When they had come to sample the restaurant’s fare, they’d treated everyone within the place practically as peers, comporting with a style and grace that Pleasant wondered if he could bottle and sell to etiquette teachers in Canterlot. If he could, he could retire as rich as a dragon. The second case was the local Princess, Twilight Sparkle, and her retinue. Though they didn’t come often, their status as some of the most well-loved ponies in the land and the veritable embodiments of friendship had shown through in their own courtesy and kindness...even if Lady Pinkie Pie was a bit more rambunctious than what the restaurant was used to.

For everypony else, though, well…he wasn’t named Pleasant Demeanor for nothing. As evidenced by the yellow circle on his flanks bearing a simple, smiling face, his special talent was being able to keep a professional calm no matter how dire the situation. Sure, inwardly he could be screaming bloody murder out of raw frustration due to snobs trying to question the smallest things nopony in their right mind would care about, but outwardly he would be the picture of calm. He’d always thought being able to keep a straight expression in the worst of situations would have made him prime material for a political office, but after his brother turned himself in for trying to con an entire town some time back, PD’s job prospects quickly dropped from those lofty ideals and so he had to take what came his way. Unfortunately, between a restaurant maitre d’ for occasional snobs and a position as an entry-level insurance salespony, PD often wondered if he’d chosen the wrong job.

All thoughts of the benefits of a career change were quickly dashed, however, when the giant brass door started to creak. Since the lunch service had just wrapped up and dinner was not to begin for another few hours, it was rare that somepony came to dine between those times. Of course, those ponies who did defy normal considerations of when to eat tended to be the most stuck-up and problematic.

Then PD really saw what he was going to have to deal with and immediately put on the biggest, authentic-looking fake smile he had. While Rarity was, surprisingly, down-to-earth when it came to respecting others, she was more than simply known around town for her dramatic “episodes” and her devotion to living the high life. She’d also been the reason for several Canterlot elites having come to town to visit her shop…and inevitably be total pains in the plots when they wanted to dine fine.

But it was the presence of the large stallion – Big Mac was his name, right? – that confused PD. What was the polar opposite of a pampered pony stallion doing coming to a restaurant with the local diva? The answer was not evidently to actually dine with him, for PD instinctively reached for a pair of menus only for Rarity to raise a hoof.

“I do apologize, but my friend Big Macintosh and I are not here to have a late luncheon at your establishment, my good sir,” explained the alabaster mare.

“I see,” cooly replied PD. “I presume you wish to make a reservation, madame?”

“Well, to be fair, I’m not the mare who the reservation will be for, I’m simply helping this stallion set up the perfect date for his special somepony. Is there an availability for a party of two this Saturday night?”

“There is, but I’m afraid there is a minimum dress requirement, this establishment does have to keep up a reputation, you know. The kind of clientele who frequent our tables normally don’t wear…” he glanced over at the strange harness the big red pony had fastened around his neck, “…draftpony attire.”

Big Mac’s eyes seemed to harden a little at the dismissive comment, the beginnings of a scowl forming at the ends of his muzzle. Fortunately, Rarity quickly took control of the situation lest her plans of matchmaking assistance crumble before they’d even been set up. “Sir, I would recommend you pay my friend a little more respect. He is the elder brother of Applejack, one of Princess Twilight’s court, as much as I am.”

Great, so he’s a draftpony and related to somepony with a lot of social clout, internally grumbled the maitre d’. This was a nightmare in the making, the worst case scenario: having to deal with somepony who clearly was going to be out of place in any situation, but had enough going for them that they were in a way somepony that everypony was going to want to know. The only means of survival PD knew to get through this kind of problem was, essentially, kissing as much plot as possible.

“Oh, then I presume he will have proper, formal attire when he and his hopefully-also-formally-dressed companion will be making good on this reservation?”

Rarity nodded eagerly. “But of course, with attire designed by yours truly, as you might have realized. Ah, I see you have an opening late Saturday night right here…” She leaned in close to the podium to point out the open reservation slot, but subtly positioned herself such that all Big Mac could see was her backside. PD, for his part, was suddenly wide eyed as the hoof on the podium suddenly produced what appeared to be a magnificent red ruby the size of a robin’s egg. “Make this stallion have the best night of his life,” whispered Rarity, knowing she had the maitre d’ attention, “and I’ll make sure you’re rewarded properly.”

“And you’re trying to bribe me because…?” quickly replied PD, eyes narrowing slightly.

“Because I’ve heard what can happen to ponies that upper class restaurant staff like you deem improper patronage and since I’m going to be footing this stallion’s bill out of generosity, I’m being a little generous in the interest of covering all the bases.”

“And if I refuse?”

Rarity’s hoof clenched, crushing the illusionary ruby into dust. “I’m not afraid to get my finely-pedicured hooves a little dirty by asking a party-planning friend of mine I’d like my next birthday party to take place here. I’m sure you heard what happened at Princess Twilight’s party a while back, no?”

“Eh, well, that shouldn’t be necessary, I’ll make all the arrangements, Miss Rarity, for your friend and his date!” blurted PD.

“Actually, make that two reservations for parties of two, since you’re being so accommodating to me, I may as well eat the food I’m paying for with a friend of my own.” She then glanced over to Big Mac and gave him a wink. He merely smiled in response.

PD, on the other hoof, knew his hooves were tied. He’d have to micromanage everything while that stallion was here with his date and whatever sinister plan Rarity was suddenly pulling on him, too. And it wasn’t the chance something could go wrong that scared him so much as it was the thought of Twilight Sparkle’s infamous birthday party happening in an enclosed area instead of the open air garden party that had been destroyed in the aftermath. He was never going to be prepared for that kind of apocalypse.

“I must admit, it is refreshing to have somepony come in here and want to talk to me like a regular pony and not shower me with the kind of worship the other princesses deserve,” confided Twilight Sparkle, bringing out a pink tea set for both herself and her guest.

“To be quite honest, aside from the fact you can fly,” said Breakfast Club, levitating one of the cups in a pale gray aura, the matching teacup plate following suit, “there doesn’t seem to have been any lasting effect of you attaining such a prestigious title, your majesty.”

“Please, no need to be so formal. I get enough of it from everypony else.” Twilight then sat down at the table across from Club. “But you said there was something only I could provide the help you needed?”

Club donned a beatific smile. “Indeed, if it’s not too much to ask. There’s just a general subject coming up for the class I’m teaching over the summer and, well…”

Twilight’s ears perked up as she visibly started to take a great interest in what was being suggested. “Well, I do take some pride in my ability to be a walking encyclopedia on many subjects, though it’s rare somepony needs my wellspring of knowledge.”

“Oh, don’t sell yourself so short, you are Celestia’s prized understudy for a reason after all. Furthermore, if there was anypony I could reliably go to for a refresher on the history of magic, it’s the pony whose cutie mark is all about magic knowledge.”

“The history of…magic?” It was immediately obvious that the young alicorn was resisting the urge to immediately explode and flood the immediate area with historical jargon. The grin on her face already looked like it belonged on another physics-breaking pony. “Like…what part of magic history?”

Club shrugged. “Oh, just in general, I guess. The curriculum just has ‘Magic History’ listed for the next subject but to be honest, I normally just teach civics courses. Magic History isn’t a subject I normally need to cover so I figure a full, if brief, refresher from the virtual authority of the subject would help me get ‘into the zone’ so to speak. So…why don’t you just start from the beginning?”

The gleam in Twilight’s eyes signaled that if there was any hope of this being a short review – short being “within the next five hours” – that such hopes were to note the proverbial “abandon all hope, ye who enter here” sign now hanging above Twilight Sparkle’s head.

“Well, in that case, it would be best to start at the beginning. For all of recorded pony history, as well as the truly early era of when the pony tribes of earth, pegasus, and unicorns formed their uneasy understanding that they each needed the others to survive as each subspecies had a connection to the natural energy that runs through all living creatures. But we ponies have a higher level of magic that our sapience allows us to directly manipulate to our will, though that’s kind of a misnomer since only unicorns or, obviously, the rare alicorn among them such as myself, can control the magic forces through our natural cranial endowments of our horns. For earth ponies, their magic is mostly passive in that they’re naturally the most durable of the three pony types and tend to specialize in artifice or agromancy. Then for pegasi, they can innately use their magic to fly like birds and manipulate the very clouds right down to their density between firm enough for them to stand on or thin enough to vanish at the slightest touch. It’s actually kind of a shame that many ground-bound ponies can’t easily visit the great cloud cities of Cloudsdale or Stratusburg. Admittedly, I’ve only been to Cloudsdale once, by use of my old balloon of course, but now that I’ve got some pegasus magic myself with matching wings I hope to visit there with my friends sometime soon.”

“Fascinating, really,” said Club as she feigned a level of actual interest. Truth be told, she didn’t need a refresher on things ponies learned in middle school, or “secondary school” as it was called in Trottingham for whatever reason, but so long as she kept the princess thinking she was legitimately interested in the verbal vomit coming out of her muzzle, it would give Club the cover she needed for the real business she was at the library for.

To Twilight, it wouldn’t seem like anything funny was going on outside of Club keeping her teacup perpetually levitated. But to anypony who knew Club’s tricks, it was only to draw attention away from the similarly colored aura of light gray stealthily making its way around the shelves of the library. It was an unusual spell that Club happened to naturally be adept with, what as a teacher she would describe as a magical twist on sneaking glances at cheat sheets. With enough focus, she could generate a magical wisp of energy that, in effect, acted like a third eye that could remotely project what it saw into her mind. She’d often used it to get a leg up on tests she hadn’t studied for because she’d had better things to do, her wisp hidden in her saddlebags where the textbook would yield all the info she needed and its existence hidden by her simultaneously using her magic to levitate her writing utensil. In class as the teacher, she used it as a stealthy means to watch the students if her back was turned, often living up to her name by dealing out detentions to fillies and foals who thought they could break the rules when she wasn’t looking. Now? It was her tool of choice to browse the catalog of Golden Oaks to try and find a particular book necessary to her ultimate plans.

Years ago, she’d heard that Twilight Sparkle had used a spell in a book she’d found in the library to grant one of her friends temporary wings and, more importantly, the ability to fly like a natural. Why she hadn’t brought this up and decided that turning Cheerilee into an actual pegasus who had to learn to fly on her own seemed…strange, to put it mildly, for a pony whose accomplishments already had begun to outstrip the famous Star Swirl the Bearded. All the better for showing her up, Club mused, as a smile came to her muzzle. Of course, she’d need to find the bloody book with the spell first, assuming it even was still in the tree library after all this time. And since she didn’t know the title of the book, she had to skim through potentially every last tome in the place to find the spell. An extremely daunting task that under normal circumstances would have been obvious to an observer. And especially somepony like Twilight who truly was so powerful that it was likely her veins ran hot with raw magic than actual blood.

But as long as Club kept Twilight distracted and talking, she was in the clear. All in all, noted Club, it’s not that much different than talking to my therapist. Or one of those kinds of parent-teacher meetings.

“You have been taking up all of Rainbow Dash’s time that she was going to spend with me and you can’t even really teach her how to fly again!” raged Scootaloo, who for the whole day had been fruitlessly trying to rush through the basics as explained by Mrs. Chalkboard. Naturally, she failed to do more than sustain a hover no more than four feet off the ground. And her plan of using the time to at least have sister experiences with Dash failed miserably and so she needed to blame somepony for all the frustration.

“Now, Scootaloo, please…” began Cheerilee, the recipient of the verbal outpouring as of the second she landed back at the schoolhouse.

“That’s why you have somepony else trying to cover for why you can’t teach us both at the same time! You’re a terrible teacher!” Out of words, Scootaloo decided to just turn and run home, the tears beginning to flow freely.

Rainbow sighed. “I’ll chase after her, but don’t take it too hard, Cheerilee. She’ll get over it and be back to trying to put you on blind dates in no time.” The recovering pegasus then galloped off after her younger counterpart, glad that the thunderstrike hadn’t robbed her ability to rival Applejack in land speed.

Dusty looked apologetically at her sister in law. “Sorry, Cheeri, I guess I screwed that one up, didn’t I?”

Cheerilee shook her head. “No, no, it’s not your fault Dusty, it was just a bad situation all around. Especially when it involves the one filly pegasus in the whole town wanting to learn to fly alongside the pony she views as being important to the existence of reality as the Princesses.” The schoolteacher then put a hoof to her head. “Just wish it wasn’t true about how she’s also one of my regular students, either…”

Silver’s ears twitched as he registered something in Cheerilee’s voice that didn’t seem right. “Hey, sis, you okay? Given lessons are done, apparently, we probably should get home for some R&R.”

The younger sibling waved off the former. “Yeah, I guess. I’ve got some things in the schoolhouse I need to set in order, but I’m okay. I can get home by myself.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” replied Silver, before walking off with his wife toward his parents’ house. Cheerilee watched them for a brief second before turning back into the school and closing the door behind her. She needed to be alone after what Scootaloo had said, because while she knew ultimately the filly would beg for forgiveness for meaningless words having been thrown, the bliss of fillyhood ignorance would blind Scootaloo to what meaning had been held by Cheerilee. The self esteem issues she thought she’d buried started to rise again, not invincible but there was a lot for a lot of ponies riding on her ability to get Rainbow back to prime condition, meaning there was a lot of accompanying stress as well.

And then, of course, was the inevitable effect of having partaken in some of her booze stash over the past few days as what promised to be a killer migraine started to rise in her head.

“Unnnhhh…” she moaned, unused to the feelings of a pre-hangover again. “Maybe I’ll just lay my head on the desk for a little while instead of doing more work.” The second her forehead touched the polished oak of the table, however, Cheerilee was out like a light with a head swimming in a sea of self-doubt and stress and worries of the troubles she would need to face.

Chapter 7 - "Destination Unknown"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 7

By the time Club got back home, she almost regretted having to go through the crucible she’d subjected herself to. Fearing that she’d blown her cover while secretly trying to search through the library’s inventory of books, Club had to split her focus between her searching the shelves and actually paying attention to the blabbermouth princess. Unfortunately, Club had gravely underestimated the amount of magic history that Twilight knew like the back of her hoof; whole sections of history that the entire rest of the country’s populace didn’t care in the least about, so half the info had been things Club already knew by heart and the other half actually brand-new material she needed to pay attention to. While a part of her mind was trying to move a bright light all over the room just out of view of the princess. And then several times she had to outright kill her searching spell whenever Princess Sparkle’s pesky pet dragon was around, lest he see it.

“Why does somepony with a brain as full of obscure information as hers think it’s a bright idea to keep a fire-breathing dragon in a library full of flammable literature and also a tree?” sarcastically questioned the mare, passing through the doorway into her home and sealing it behind her. For almost four hours she’d had to ensure that mind-rending agony, but somehow she’d actually managed to pull it off. With her magic reserves already starting to wear down to nothing, her magic having begun to flicker alongside the telltale sign of magic exhaustion like a migraine concentrated right at the base of her horn, the book in her saddlebags might as well have weighed a thousand pounds for the effort it took to lift it across a five foot distance simply to drop it on the table with an anti-climatic soft thud.

But even though she had to physically walk to the fridge, as well as use her hooves to take out a bottle of orange crème soda and remove its cap, the moment of weakness was negligible as the weathered tome lay tantalizingly close on the counter. Glittering Glory's Guidebook to Gallant and Guileless Grand Greatness in Geomancy clearly hadn’t been in print for the better part of a century but after going through every single book – and she would kill anypony who suggested she hadn’t on sight – it was the only tome that had the spell she needed. A little lying to the clueless librarian-turned-princess painted a believable story that Club had come looking for that book “purely for research” and absolutely no mention about the one thing it contained she actually wanted it for. Even better was the fact Twilight seemed to have forgotten all about the book or its most notable spell, which explained why it hadn’t been mentioned in whatever talks had gone on with Cheerilee. But it’s going to make that wannabe pegasus look so bad.

Suddenly, the sounds of other ponies emerged from the general direction of the dining room amidst the noise of something falling. While unexpected, Club had a pretty good feeling who had entered her house uninvited…well, not exactly that, either, given who the only other ponies who had the clavial spell to her house.

“Toughie, how many times have I asked you to not lean back so far in my chairs?” asked Club, slightly exasperated in her tone both because of her state of being but also this being far from the first time Tough Love thought it a good idea to try using static chairs as recliners.

“Not enough, evidently” chuckled Failing Grade who sat at the other end of the dining room table. “Don’t know why she keeps doing it, they’re crap chairs from HAYKEA anyway.”

“Force of habit, alright?” snapped Tough Love. “When going over papers I’m usually at my desk with the big red chair Tapie got me that glides on that rocking mechanism like greased butter and I love the crap out of it!”

“I’m going to pretend that I understand what the heck ‘greased butter’ is supposed to mean,” replied Club. “And as much as I appreciate you guys using my house to do your homework in-“

“You didn’t set a place for us to meet when either you got the book or when we were done spying on Rarity and Big Mac, we got bored, and figured you’d have to come home at some point,” countered Grade. “Besides, why else let us have the key spell to your house if you didn’t want us coming in here for cases like this?”

“Whatever, I’m too tired to argue right now. Point is, I got the stupid book and Princess Twilight is none the wiser to what we’re gonna do with it – book’s in the kitchen, finding it in secret burned all my magic I had left for today – so I’m interested to know what you two have been doing as it doesn’t appear you’ve been grading those assignments for more than half an hour.”

Love – now back on top of her righted seat – laughed. “Oh, we got some good stuff to tell you, Club! Turns out Rarity was taking Big Mac to that Prench place because – get this – she’s trying to play matchmaker between him and Cheerilee!”

Club looked as if she’d been smacked. “You’re joking. Didn’t her kid sister and the other two brats try to do the same with that dangerously unstable love potion thing a while back?”

“Yeah, well, apparently the feelings between the two didn’t quite settle,” said Grade. “So, being the town’s hopeless romantic, she’s apparently planning her ‘dream’ date except it’s for Mac and Cheerilee.”

“Well, that’s going to need fixing.”

“Already got a lead for that, too. From what we could see behind that dumb-ass brass door, Rarity really laid it on thick to the greeter guy.”

“The maitre d'?” corrected Love.

“Yeah, sure, whatever the title of the pony who grabs the menus and seats you at a restaurant, I don’t teach Prench much less need to know it properly, ‘kay? Anyway, it was obvious he’s not happy about somepony as ‘hicksville’ as Big Mac setting hoof in that house of snobs, and it’s likely the town freak that’s his date is going to be as warmly welcomed out of pure hospitality.”

“So, what you’re saying is we might have a pony on the inside?” proposed Club, the hint of an evil smile at the ends of her muzzle. “Do we know when this date is going to happen?”

“Saturday, I think around 8 or something. Plenty of time for you to ‘work your magic’ on him.”

Club reared and whinnied in excitement. “Oh, this is gonna be so good! Just the kind of thing I – er, I mean we – always wanted to do to that know-it-all hick back in our school days.”

Love and Grade then exchanged a knowing glance. “Oh, about that…” started Love, an impish gleam in her eye.

It was relatively silent in the house, with both Stronghold and Swiftsprinter off taking care of whatever business they’d needed to take care of. Right now, Dr. Silver Sutures didn’t really have any concerns about that beyond his parents not being in the house right now. The air carried the scent of sweat but punctuated with pockets of warm, dark chocolate. It didn’t help that the sheets on the bed were a rich, caramel brown, and the silly part of his brain made the comparison to him, holding his beloved wife after his efforts to alleviate her stress led to making them both more exhausted than before (but in a good way), inside brown covers like the two of them were at the center of some sort of extremely passionate tootsie pop.

“Well…” murmured Dusty, rubbing her head into the cook of Silver’s neck. “So much for making me feel less tired, huh?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t like it,” he jokingly chided, kissing her on the head.

“Hey, it landed me here in your warm embrace, so why should I complain?”

“Because we’re in the middle of a passion-derived tootsie pop?”

“A what?” Dusty backed off a little if only so she could look her husband in the eyes more squarely. “The heck does chocolate candy have to do with making love exactly?”

“Well, I, uh…” Silver’s brain raced for something he could use to salvage the mood he’d just killed. “You’re…you’re my tootsie pop?”

“That is a terrible save and you know just as well as I do it didn’t work here,” scolded Dusty, before moving in to kiss Silver deeply. Love and passion filled her eyes when she broke off, commenting “but damn if I don’t forgive you anyway because you’re my husband.”

“Careful, dear, you’re making it sound like we’re trying to have a meaningful and revelatory post-coital conversation in some poorly written romance novel.”

“Romance novel? Silver, honey, we’re married, remember? We can’t be in a love story when we’ve already tied the knot that comes at the end of those stories, right?”

“Do you really want the answer to that?”

Dusty laughed. “No, I guess not, since we’re still young and Celestia above if there was anything to be learned from today, it’s that I’m not ready to have kids yet.” She then
went back to snuggling to Silver’s side and enjoying the siren’s call of his body warmth. “I really don’t know how you sister manages to handle them so well.”

“Because…” Silver sighed. “Because Cheerilee’s married to her job. Or rather, she’s married to her calling.”

“I do need to ask her to explain what her cutie mark has to do with teaching, admittedly,” said Dusty, turning around on the bed so she could easily glance down at her own mark, the chalkboard bearing a chalk heart outline leaving nothing to speculation. “Since she does, admittedly, kind of stick out from the rest of her immediate family.”

Oddly, Silver chuckled. “Actually, that’s kind of how she got her cutie mark. I’m the sibling who ended up taking cues from our parents, since dad’s a unicorn and mom’s also a medical expert, so being exposed to that in my early colthood set me on the path to being a doctor right out of the gate. But Cheeri? Well, I know she’d never admit it to anypony, but she had a case of cutie mark obsession like nopony’s business. She was so jealous of me getting my mark so early that she was determined to get hers too.”

Her libido for a fifth round of making love now subsiding in light of her interest in the story, Dusty sat up. “I bet being an earth pony was real interesting for the rest of your family, being so active and energetic.”

Silver then sat up and lightly kissed her on the lips. “Given the past two hours? It’s a wonder I actually could keep up with the earth pony I love.”

“Oh, stop it, unless you want to go again~” she cooed teasingly.

“Anyway,” quickly continued Silver, wanting to spare his hips another round of his wife’s energetic tendencies, “yes, Cheerilee was quite a hyperactive filly, which doesn’t make it surprising that when she finally buckled down in her studies as she wanted to excel in those, too, it wasn’t until she’d finally gotten the hang of being the smartest pony of her class during the neighties – no, a few years before that, actually – that she finally ‘sprouted’, so to speak. Her words, not mine, on the ‘sprouted’ bit, by the way.”

“Ah, so lame comparisons run in the family, it seems.”

“You always told me you liked how I compared things!” Silver groaned.

Dusty smiled. “I didn’t say I minded lame comparisons, did I?”

“Fair enough. Though unfortunately, because Cheerilee’s cutie mark is actually kind of vague, everypony misinterpreted it as being from her simply being the Twilight Sparkle in her social grouping. She was able to skip sixth grade so she’s always been a bit younger than her usual peers, but at the same time that made it a bit hard for her to make friends. So, naturally, Cheerilee started to develop her addiction to work and when college rolled around she…she inadvertently discovered she has a weird connection to alcoholic beverages.”

“Y’know, talking about your sister’s alcoholism after we rocked the bed as hard as we did isn’t the most romantic thing,” pointed out Dusty. “But you already killed the
mood by saying I’m a tootsie pop so might as well get this white elephant out of the room.” Suddenly, a large, white elephant spontaneously appeared in front of the bed, blushed, then hurried out of the room, comically squeezing its mass through the tiny door. Dusty merely turned to look at her husband with a look of slight irritation.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist!” apologized Silver, his horn’s glow powering down. He then took a deep breath, growing serious in an instant. “My sister’s problem with alcohol isn’t that it immediately inebriates her, rather it will do the complete opposite.”

“Oh, so it’s kind of like that weird drug they’ve been cracking down on at Manehatten U.’s campus, er, I forget the name but it was something like ‘Work Hard yes, Play Hard yes’ and one of the students was the drug dealer and…sorry, you were saying?”

Silver raised an eyebrow. “Actually, it’s funny you mention that drug – it’s WHYPHY or “Whippy” in case you were curious, unfortunately I’ve had several cases in the past month dealing with overdose complications resulting from abusing that drug when combined with vibrasnopam, apparently it’s a big thing in the underground scene – because the ‘work hard’ part generally describes the effect controlled consumption of alcohol has on her. If drawn out over time, she becomes laser-focused and will quickly master any new subject that’s the subject of her attention.”

“Like flying,” concluded Dusty.

“Exactly. She just needs one bottle of alcohol, which isn’t hard since her house is actually loaded with secret mini-stashes of locally produced hard apple cider which she says is the best alcohol ever, but that one bottle will get her through a single night of study without any detrimental effects,” he sighed. “But if she does it for several nights in a row, the effects can be…disastrous. Thankfully, she’s never been pushed to go binge drinking, the closest she’s come is probably when her life was utter chaos and we had to come that first time to her rescue.”

“Don’t remind me,” interjected Dusty. “I do not want to remember those awful headaches because your horn got teleported to jam right into my brain thanks to Discord’s ‘prank’ so to speak.”

“I didn’t intend to; sorry. But still, I’m glad the weekend is just one day away for her, since she was showing signs of reaching her limit of that cycle, the very idea of what could happen if she ever goes over the edge would-“

Suddenly, there was knocking at the front door.

“COMING!” shouted Silver, who then immediately looked pleadingly at Dusty. “Please don’t make that joke I know is on the tip of your tongue.”

“We already had sex, Silver, any more and it’s likely you couldn’t even walk right now.”

“Lucky you, then, since in that case you would be the one greeting the door and smelling like-“ the door echoed the knocks again, this time in a slightly more hurried manner. “I SAID I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” With a quick cleansing spell to mask the musk of love, Silver quickly threw on one of his father’s robes he was borrowing and made his way to the door.

He opened it right as the pony on the other side was about to knock again. “I’m sorry, Stronghold and- Cheerilee?!”

There, standing with hoof raised to knock, was his sister. Clearly she’d been dozing with the slight rings under her eyes being the main clue, but more worryingly was the fact she was shaking from hoof to eartip and her wings looked like they were coated in white glue.

“H-hey, Silver,” she said, clearly trying to not look like she’d been the victim of a nasty prank, “you know anything about getting glue off of feathers? They…didn’t mention this in the books…”

The door to Sugarcube Corner creaked slightly, the noise mostly masked by the cheerful jingle of tiny bells attached to the door signaling its opening.

“Pinkie, is anypony at the counter?” somepony – probably Mrs. Cake – called from above, followed by the subsequent appearance of a pink blur moving so fast it was as if it materialized at the counter.

“I am, Mrs Cake!” happily called up Pinkie Pie with a giggle before turning to greet the customer. “Oh, hi, Rarity!”

“Hello, Pinkie, I’m sorry to be calling on you so late in the day but do you have a free moment?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Nope, fresh out of those, sorry. But I’ve got lots of free time right now, if that will work for you instead!”

The unicorn shook her head good-naturedly, “Oh, Pinkie, just can’t say the affirmative ‘yes’, can you?”

“What’s the fun in that?”

“Just…formalities, my dear, something that I need to make a request of you about.”

Pinkie merely blinked, unsure of what Rarity could possibly be suggesting. “You wanna go up to my room so we can talk about this?”

Rarity shrugged. “It wouldn’t hurt.” She followed Pinkie up the steps to the room she rented out from the Cakes on the second floor of the bakery, greeting Mr. and Mrs. Cake along the way as they were tending to their infant children. “Tell me, Pinkie, are those baby Cakes still a hoofful to deal with all by yourself?”

“Nah, they’ve calmed down considerably since that time, and their magic is starting to fade away too since they’re over a year old now.” Pinkie sighed, as if reminiscing a fond memory. “They’re going to think I’m making up silly stories when I joke about how the things they did as babies are difficult for them as young ponies in the prime of
their foalhood.”

“Well, there’s always the possibility you’ll have your own husband and kids by that point, no?” Rarity asked in her usual manner of implying romance in just about anypony’s life. She then grew wide eyed as she realized her mistake.

“Rarity, you’re not asking me out on a date are you?” asked Pinkie, having misread Rarity’s statement and implied intentions in the exact manner the fashionista didn’t want to convey.

“No, no, that wasn’t…”

“Because my Pinkie Sense told me somepony was going to ask me out to dinner and then you showed up so I-“

“But, Pinkie, I-”

“I’m sorry, Rarity, but I like you as a friend only. You’re pretty, but...I like stallions, sorry.”

Rarity blinked. “Huh?” she voiced in a rare non-elegant form.

“Weren’t you going to-”

“No! I mean, yes, but as friends, darling,” cut off Rarity, not wanting to further trip over words in a direction she hadn’t intended to go in the slightest. “See, I’ve actually been helping Big Mac set up the perfect dinner date to which he and Cheerilee can hopefully encourage the flames of passion between them into something neither of them are currently willing to admit.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “So what does asking me to have dinner with you got to do with any of that?”

“Well, truth be told I don’t entirely trust that the staff of the Epicurean Cavelier-“

“That fancy Prench place with the fake chandelier?”

“…Yes, that one.” Rarity wasn’t about to launch into fussing over the details; she’d long since learned that was a lost cause when it came to Pinkie. “The point is, Big Mac and Cheerilee have a date set for dinner there next Saturday at eight in the evening. I want things to go perfectly for them and as I said, the staff there makes me suspicious enough to think they’d try sabotaging the affair. So, I reserved a table for two for dinner at the same time, and given your unique foresight through, er, ‘Pinkie Sense’, I would appreciate your company as well as being there to help prevent any significant disaster from occurring.”

“Hmmm…” hummed Pinkie, assuming a look suggesting deep thought and scratching a hoof to her chin, wagging the attached toothless alligator on the raised foreleg as if she was oblivious to him. “Okay!” she chirped.

The suddenness of Pinkie’s acceptance caught Rarity off guard momentarily, but she was readily back to form just as fast. “Marvelous, though I should also mention there is a dress code there…”

“I’ll just wear my gala outfit!” declared Pinkie. “If it’s good enough for that Toity Hoity guy, it’s good enough for a simple formal dinner, right?”

“Y-yes, I do believe so,” nervously agreed Rarity. The dress was not of concern, specifically, after the disaster that had been its predecessor, Pinkie’s old Gala dress was a true masterpiece. The problem was that the only other time Pinkie had ever worn the dress beyond the fashion show was at the actual gala that she tried to co-opt into being a much more lively affair. If anypony at the restaurant recognized the dress and pony combination, it could turn the staff’s suspected ire on both Pinkie and Rarity.
But at the same time, considered Rarity with a small smile, it more likely will be a warning of the trouble they’ll get if they screw up Big Mac’s big chance with Cheerilee. It was a risk worth taking, in her book, all in the name of love.

“Honestly, Silver, you’re telling me you never learned this?” questioned Swiftsprinter. “Especially after all we paid for you to go to medical school?”

“I’m a general practice doctor, mom!” he called out. “I know how to remove glue from pegasus wings, especially since I have to do it at least three times a week!”

“So why did you have to get me out of work early?”

“Because he’s my brother, not just a doctor, and if there’s anything we learned from you having wings, mom,” piped up Cheerilee, “it’s that wing cleaning is kind of a very private thing because pony wings are sensitive – which he probably understands more than I do because it’s his job to know - and since this isn’t life threatening, it would be extremely awkward for him to be getting all touchy-feely with his own sister.”

“And I bet he also thought your mother having lived with wings all her life would have a more experienced touch instead of the rush job he’s conditioned to do when prepping patients for surgery or whatever,” suggested Slipstream. To which she noted he was correct, even if partly the reasons for it were unknown to him as more than once, Slipstream had herself been subjected to sticky substances on her wings by means of a juvenile prank. As a result, she’d developed her own homebrewed method of cleaning the gunk off of pegasus feathers painlessly and efficiently with an exacting mixture of soap, alcohol, and mane shampoo (the ones that claimed to make manes shine brighter worked the best). But when she’d gotten notified her services were needed at her own home, hadn’t expected the patient in question to be her own daughter. “Honestly, how did you even-“

“Club, Love, and Grade,” replied Cheerilee, knowing she need not elaborate on the culprits or their identities.

“Now Cheerilee, you’re not serious, are you? Surely those three have something better to do - like their jobs - instead of coming around to do pranks like dump glue all over somepony.”

The victimized teacher just sighed. “They’ve been out to get me ever since I kept proving to be smarter than them on a regular basis even though I don’t have part of my brain erupting from my forehead like they do and the old stereotype they worship of unicorns being better than everypony else except maybe - maybe - alicorns.”

“That’s only because it’s true, hon,” piped up Stronghold, who had since come home and overheard that choice bit of the conversation, to which he stuck his head inside the door to add his two bits. “We all know you got your brains from my side of the family after all.”

“Yes,” droned Slipstream, “the recessive chromosomes of genius, since the only reason we ever met in the first place was the inevitable result of you trying to win a drunken bet about trying to prove thin ice wouldn’t break if you drove a fencepost into it, if I’m not mistaken?”

“Hey, it led me to meeting you, so I’d say in retrospect that was the smartest thing I ever did next to asking you to marry me,” chuckled the unicorn as he moved from the door.

“I don’t remember either of you mentioning he was trying to drive a fencepost into that ice,” mentioned Cheerilee.

“Dear, I was the first pony on-scene at the time and all I saw was your father demonstrating the swimming skills of a paraplegic bear while trying to hold onto a sledgehammer with his magic for whatever reason. And I love him too much to admit he ever was stupid enough to accept a bet while intoxicated that ice doesn’t break if you hit it directly
with a sledgehammer.”

“Still sounds more believable than an earth pony trying to be a pegasus.”

Slipstream glared at her daughter. “Don’t you dare go into that self-depressive state again over being a pegasus.” Taking the younger mare’s face in her hooves, the mother brought her daughter’s face into full view. “There have been some bumps along the way, that much is true, but even though the odds were unimaginable when you
let yourself agree to May’s stupid decision, you’ve gotten this far, haven’t you? From what Dusty and Silver say, Rainbow Dash is well on her way to being fully recovered, which in of itself is a mighty accomplishment.”

“Yes, but-“

“And yes, they told me about what happened today with Scootaloo, but if I get the gist of her relationship with Rainbow, you’ll do more for that filly in helping her big sister figure regain what was lost, then trying to get Scootaloo to do something she quite possibly isn’t ready to do.”

Cheerilee looked up to her mother with an appreciative smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right, mom. Just…just gotta hang in there a few more days, light at the end of the tunnel and all that, right?”

Slipstream nodded. “Uh-huh. Soon Rainbow will be back in the air, you’ll be free from having to ever teach flying again, and-“

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” called up Silver, followed by the opening of the door. Oddly, there seemed to be a moment of utter silence that followed, before he followed up with “Uh…it’s for you, Cheerilee!”

“For me?” asked Cheerilee, “I’m not expecting anybody, plus how would they know I’m at my parents’ house and not at my own home?”

Slipstream shrugged. “I don’t know, but it would be best to see to whoever it is, no?” Cheerilee nodded and, five minutes of toweling later, the now un-sticky-winged pony went to meet the pony requesting her presence.

“Er, H-hi, Cheerilee,” greeted Big Mac, “Ah was…was wunderin’ if you would, um, like t-to allow me to take y-you dinner next Saturday, if that’s alright.”

Chapter 8 - "Can't Fight These Feelings"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 8 - "Can't Fight These Feelings"

The next day was rather subdued in tone, the feeling of awkwardness still permeating the atmosphere around Ponyville Elementary and its immediate airspace. For the most part, Dusty and Silver ended up spending most of the time in the schoolhouse reading, as unless either Cheerilee or Rainbow found themselves hurtling to the ground uncontrollably and in need of a doctor, it was mostly just the two winged ponies doing aerial maneuvers above the building.

For the teacher-turned-therapist and the student, things weren’t much better, either. Cheerilee, true to form, had been waiting with a soft, warm smile that morning when Rainbow showed up for what was quickly becoming a routine interaction. However, she didn’t make much small talk outside of simply instructing Rainbow on what to do, and not just because of the echoes of an angry filly from the previous day.

“Ok, Cheerilee, spot me!” called out Dash as she zoomed past. It had taken a lot of dedication and hard work, but after only two weeks, she was able to go from being as flightless as a chicken to almost reaching her maximum critical speed, the only thing holding her back being her difficulty controlling the finesse of her wing twitches to stabilize herself upon approaching transonic speeds. Unfortunately, Cheerilee couldn’t do anything to help with the problem, as Rainbow simply was naturally able to accelerate faster than nearly all pegasi of the same age and physical state. And nopony could do Rainbow’s ultimate signature move, the Sonic Rainboom, much less hit the necessary transonic speed to break the visible light spectrum from a ground launch in ten seconds flat like she could. At peak condition, of course.

So, instead, the alternative plan was to work on Rainbow’s basic repertoire of aerial maneuvers that in theory would prove good exercise to those same minor motor functions she needed to work on. Right now, Rainbow was working on re-mastering the outside loop, something she was having notable difficulty with since unlike a regular inside loop, her stomach was on the inside of the imaginary circle and her vision pointed at the ground when entering the loop.

“Watch your entry!” cautioned Cheerilee. True enough, Rainbow immediately seemed to bleed speed rapidly as she tried to dip her wings against the naturally generated lift from their shape. Luckily, this was only a momentary concern as the pegasus quickly regained control and proceeded to make an otherwise perfect outside loop, even if her exit into level flight looked extremely unsteady. “Alright, Rainbow, you did it!”

“Y-yeah!” called back the shaky acrobat, “though I kinda wish I didn’t!” Uneasily, Rainbow flew over next to Cheerilee with an expression that resembled the local town postmare.

“Odd, I wouldn’t think you would have this kind of reaction to pulling that many Gs. I guess we better go get my brother.”

“I’ll say, because either I’m totally loopy or Luna just brought out the stars several hours early to declare war on Celestia again - and I know her well enough to know it’s not the latter.”

Carefully, Cheerilee guided Rainbow back to the ground. It wouldn’t look good for anypony if the nearly-ready weatherpony suddenly did an accelerated nosedive into the ground and ended up getting flight amnesia all over again. Not like I need that concern on my plate right now, Cheerilee internally noted, thankful that she was able to get RD safely to the ground.

“Cheeri, why does your student have crossed eyes?” asked Silver, who by pure intuition had sensed he was needed and was already going through the door when the two winged ponies landed nearby. “Or have you replaced Rainbow with a changeling trying to impersonate her and the local mailmare simultaneously?”

“Heh, I wish I had Derpy’s brains,” Rainbow snarked in return, still proving unsteady even when all four hooves were landbound. “Right now mine feels like mush.”

“She was doing an outside loop,” explained Cheerilee, “had a little trouble in the entry, so I think she might have pulled too many Gs too fast.”

“I doubt that,” answered Silver as he trotted over to examine Rainbow. “I’ve read what little documentation there is on that Sonic Rainboom maneuver, quite frankly if she suddenly lost the endurance between then and now to the point she’s getting dizzy from normal Gs, she’d be dead the second she actually started a Rainboom.”

“What?!” exclaimed Rainbow, horrified at the prospect.

“Easy, Rainbow,” calmed the doctor. “I’m just saying that’s what this would have to be if you’re dizzy from too many Gs. Which like I said I doubt because the only damage that happened to you was significant memory loss from cranial impact and magical electrocution to the part of your brain that handles flight motor impulses. Your physical state and endurance are unchanged, meaning it can’t be a fault with those unless you haven’t been eating properly – which I also doubt since you’re in excellent shape…”

“Are you hitting on me, Doctor?” asked Dash with a leering grin.

“Only if I wanted to commit suicide-by-angry-wife” fired back Silver without missing a beat. “Fortunately for you, I still have vested interest in staying alive so that’s not happening. What is happening, though, is I suspect a mixture of fatigue from pulling a physically demanding stunt like an outside loop after a few hours of similarly straining exercise and the blood rushing to your head.” He then turned to Cheerilee. “As it stands, I recommend you call it a day for therapy flying. You look like you need a break yourself, sis.”

“Yeah,” sighed Cheerilee, realizing she was also more tired than she had initially thought. Of course, worrying about Big Mac having nearly committed suicide-by-having-her-father-interrogate-him-on-the-spot probably had a lot to do with it.

The previous evening;

“Isn’t this the same stallion whose little sister and her accomplices tried to drug at the same time they drugged you into marrying each other – without even letting your mother and I know about it?”

“I already told you, Dad,” explained Cheerilee with a tone somewhere between exasperated, flustered, and embarrassed all at the same time, “that was an isolated incident where my offhanded mention to my three most, uh, ‘focused’ students that I didn’t have a special somepony was interpreted to be a problem I needed help solving and…got out of hoof, admittedly, when I figured out what they were doing but stupidly asked Big Mac to play along and…well, Princess Twilight’s said she won’t lend books with dangerous potion recipes to fillies anymore.”

Stronghold seemed unmoved. “So this is the same stallion you nearly married in a pit in front of Rarity’s house?”

“No…I mean, yes, but the pit actually was part of how the Crusaders stopped us from being blind to all but each other, something to do with the love poison’s effects breaking off if the affected ponies don’t make eye contact with each other for an hour and so the pit was for Big Mac to fall into so when I came out of Rarity’s house with the wedding veil, I wouldn’t see him until that hour had passed.”

Worryingly, Stronghold narrowed his eyes even further. “I thought you said you destroyed the entire front of Rarity’s house, not simply left it, and didn’t this stallion,” a steel gray foreleg raised up to gesture at the red monolith of a pony still in the doorway, “somehow end up moving Berry Punch’s house halfway across town by dragging it with a rope at the same time?”

“Ah still don’t know how Apple Bloom managed to get me tied to that mare’s house,” interjected Big Mac, “but if it’s all the same Ah helped push that cottage back and Berry didn’t seem to mind after Ah apologized and explained the whole thing.”

“You also gave her a free keg of apple cider,” added Cheerilee, a small smile coming to her muzzle. “And fixed Rarity’s house before I even got the chance to offer fixing it myself.”

“Well, Ah had ‘ta. ‘Lest mah sister and her friends decided to try making that up and while Ah know Bloomie actually is eventually gonna realize she’s one gifted craftspony, if she’s tryin’ to fix somethin’ with her friends in tow…well, Ah’d say they woulda made Rarity’s house look like it got attacked by a Cerberus or somethin’ if ya’ll know what Ah mean.” Suddenly, Cheerilee noticed a gleam of something in Big Mac’s eyes, as if he realized something, but she decided not to push it. Calming her father down before he for whatever reason vetoed Cheerilee’s one shot at actually having a love life was more important.

Amazingly, Stronghold did seem to calm down slightly after seeing how his daughter was immediately comfortable with the large stallion – who looked like he could take on several guardponies at once and win purely from his well-toned, massive body. Certainly no question that if things do work out and they really do have a spark between them, he thought, I couldn’t ask for better assurance that he would protect my little filly as much as I could. Taking a deep breath, Stronghold decided to let his concerns over how much the previous “drugging” incident might be at work drop. “Alright, er, ‘Big Mac’ is it?”

“Eeyup,” replied Big Mac. Strong hold noted the stallion said it as if it was something he said often, like a catch phrase.

“Where exactly are you going to be taking Cheerilee-“

“DAD!” she exclaimed, mortified. “I’m over thirty and I live on my own, so why are you acting like this is taking place back more than a decade ago?”

Her father grinned. “Let your old man play hardball now that he’s got the chance, especially if it means sizing up my potential future son-in-law.”

Big Mac was thankful that his deep red coat probably hid the blush on his face right now, much more than Cheerilee’s mulberry coat only muted hers as her face largely turned crimson. To say she looked adorable – more than usual, really – was an understatement. “Ah, uh…Ah was hopin’ it wouldn’t be too much to ask her to join me next Saturday at, er, eight, at the Epicurea…Epicure…um…” Now he was certain his blush could be seen, he couldn’t even remember how to pronounce the name of the stupid restaurant.

But mercifully, salvation quickly came. “The Epicurean Cavalier?” asked Cheerilee, her eyes lighting up. “As in, the place with the big brass door and the giant crystal chandelier and is the highest profile restaurant in town?”

“Eeyup.”

Stronghold had intended to draw this out a bit longer just to play around, as concerns over this suitor’s inability to pronounce the very name of the restaurant he wanted to take his daughter to did not initially leave a good impression. However, when Cheerilee seemed to understand exactly what Big Mac was saying, almost as if his slight mistake only made him more endearing to her somehow, the father knew he’d lost the fight. “Not like an adult like you needs it, Cheerilee,” he began, “but you can-“ He never got the chance to finish as she launched into him with a big bear hug, but he wasn’t done with Big Mac. After prying his loving daughter off his body, he turned to face the apple farmer. “But as for you, Big Mac, if anything happens to her such that I need to get involved, so help me Celestia I will break-“

“-Scootaloo.”

“Wha!?” exclaimed Cheerilee, wondering why her father was threatening to break the orange filly in half if something went wrong during her and Big Mac’s date. He certainly hadn’t said anything about that last night.

“Oh, good, you’re back with the living,” dryly commented Silver, who somehow had gotten a bottle of water since the last time Cheerilee remembered seeing him. He then offered it to her. “Seriously, I’m betting that was last night’s little episode with Big Mac getting to your head because you haven’t had enough to drink.”

“Thanks,” she replied, removing the cap with her teeth, then as if second nature brought one of her wings forward to hold the cap while she held up the bottle to her mouth and consumed half of its contents in one go.

“Big Mac?” asked Rainbow, her interest piqued. “Oh, so he did ask you out on a date, didn’t he?” The sudden glare from Cheerilee made Rainbow realize she’d been a little too on the money, and so now needed to save face. “Ok, truth be told? It’s no secret with the weather ponies that you and he totally have a thing for each other, given how often you two try to pretend bumping into each other on a schedule so precise it’s like clockwork. There’s actually a fully detailed chart of your regular interactions back at the weather team office I had somepony make simply to stop everypony else from reporting the same thing over and over like it was new.”

“You’ve had the entire weather team spying on us?!” cried out Cheerilee, aghast at the violation of privacy.

“Hey, you and Big Mac are in public so everypony can see it, and we weatherponies can’t exactly help getting a bird’s eye view of everypony’s activity when we’re doing our job moving clouds and stuff. Besides, they’ve held true to my request that they not go around spreading unfounded rumors – a number of them needed to be reminded of everypony’s favorite editor ‘Gabby Gums’ proving how that is a very dangerous thing in this town - but since you are obviously going to go out with him, I can give full disclosure about the little betting pool that inevitably popped up about the question if you and he were finally going to become an item.”

“What side did you bet on?” Silver smugly asked, already knowing the answer.

“Silver!” Cheerilee wasn’t sure if she wasn’t going to implode from embarrassment at how everypony seemed interested in her love life all over again.

“Easy, Cheerilee, if you must know I actually put my bits for you two really becoming each other’s special somepony.”

“Well, uh, thanks for the vote of confidence, I guess?” Cheerilee just sighed, not wanting to talk about it anymore but to do so, she needed to give Rainbow what she wanted. “Look, since you’re going to keep pestering me if I don’t just tell you this, he’s taking me to dinner tomorrow at eight, to the Epicurean Horse. Yes, the one with the chandelier.”

“The Prench place Rarity likes so much?” Rainbow seemed oddly skeptical. “Huh, that’s expensive isn’t it? I have to wonder how…ooooooohhhhhhhhhh…” The speedster’s grin took on an impossibly wide width across her muzzle. “Well, that explains…actually, you’ll find out in time. Don’t worry, I’m certain it’s going to be an absolute blast for you if my suspicions are right, but no point in spoiling what he might be leaving in reserve.”

“Yeah, great, just…what was that about Scootaloo, earlier?”

Dash blinked, her brain decidedly not being as fast as her flying speed. “Scoot? Oh! Yeah, you must have caught the end of what I was telling your brother. See, I was actually hoping if we could take the weekend off from this therapy thing, since tomorrow is going to be a Wonderbolts Derby up in Canterlot that, as a Reservist, I get free admission to. Since Scoot really seems torn up about not spending any time with me, I was gonna take her as well since I do feel part of yesterday was my fault by not keeping her on the same page with me about this therapy stuff. So, tomorrow I’d be giving her what she wants and yeah, I’m going to give her the in-depth talk about her misbehavior from yesterday. Her parents probably already read her the riot act but she needs to know she can still rely on me as a big sister figure, too, y’know?”

Cheerilee nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m going to work myself into all kinds of fits early tomorrow over my date with Big Mac anyway, so…having one less thing to worry about would be beneficial.”

“Aw, c’mon,” chuckled Rainbow. “He’s taking you to dinner and you two already have gone through the embarrassment following the Crusaders trying to play Matchmaker Rarity a bit too hard, what possibly could happen that’s worse than being caught in a wedding dress at the bottom of a mattress-lined pit?”

That evening, behind the Epicurean Cavalier, one annoyed staffer found himself in the unenviable position of taking out the garbage.

“The management has a half-dozen busboys and several waiters,” grumbled Demeanor, “and yet they have the maitre d' take out the smelly refuse? The heck do they even pay the busboys if all they do is run around collecting stuff from the tables and nothing else?” He absent mindedly wondered if this wasn’t somehow a minor punishment from on high, his boss having discovered the “special” reservation with the half-billion “special requests” made by one Lady Rarity for two ponies who were decidedly the kind of local blue-collar residents that the rich pricks didn’t like seeing as dining companions in the same location. Either it was that or the fact it was that and nothing could be done about it because Rarity had social connections actual nobles and duchesses would kill to have, and not just the ones involving palling around with royalty either.

“I’m guessing they don’t pay you enough?” suddenly came a sultry, feminine voice, her hoofsteps echoing slightly in the alleyway behind the fashionable restaurant.

“What’s it to you?” snapped back PD as he hefted the bags of trash into the dumpster, not in the mood to keep up appearances. Plus, he figured if there was some mare trying to talk to him in a stereotypical alley way’s privacy, she wouldn’t be the kind who actually frequented the place.

“Well, a little birdie told me that you’ve got some…problematic, shall we say, customers due for dinner tomorrow, and that right now your hooves are somewhat tied on the matter.” As PD turned to face the source of the voice, he was surprised to see a mustard yellow mare with a blue-and-orange manestyle that looked vaguely like something the upper class usually preferred. But there was something in the mare’s gray eyes that told him she was here on some business she wanted to keep on down low. “Fortunately for you, however, I might be able to provide a way out.”

“Look, lady,” he began, “I don’t know what you think you know, but unless-“

“Rarity’s made a reservation for a big red farmpony and another mare who you have not seen,” interrupted the mare. Evidently she did not wish to waste time. “Now, I’m not one to pay attention to the kind of normal clientele that usually is served here, but I have a good feeling that the stallion alone is somepony you’d rather not be in your fine establishment. No?”

PD rolled his eyes. “Look, let’s cut the whole ‘dancing around the subject’ thing. You have some stake in this date night Rarity set up being utterly ruined for some reason and I’m guessing you’re going to bribe me to be the one to ruin it.”

The mare nodded. “Fair enough, yes, that’s why I’m here. I’m also aware that Rarity already has tried to bribe you to ensure that the night goes off without a hitch, but tell me, did she make a down payment?” Before PD could respond, the mare produced a nice little sack of bits out of thin air and held it out to him. “A thousand bits, no strings attached, with another thousand if the night goes south like we both want it to. Deal?”

PD eyed the pouch carefully. A thousand bits was a lot, and doubling it could really make a nice little nest egg on the side. Sure, he’d get Rarity angry, but by this point he didn’t see himself keeping a job at this snob stand of a restaurant the way he got treated, so when Pinkie inevitably would come to destroy it with one of her most insane parties, he himself would be long gone.

He took the pouch, his mind already working on how to set up the night for maximum disaster. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do, miss…”

“Trouble,” was all the mare replied, giving him what was clearly a false name. “Also, before you start doing any heavy lifting, take this.” She then pulled out a small manila envelope – sealed – and gave it to PD. “That’s all the basic info about the two diners, including the mare of mystery, but still should be enough for you to work your magic.”

PD nodded. “Thanks. I guess I’ll be seeing you soon, then?”

“Let’s hope so, for your sake,” she replied before turning and walking off.

The next morning, Cheerilee was struck with the horrible realization that could derail everything. That realization was, simply, that she didn’t have one dress to wear.

“Oh, c’mon, c’mon!” she whined as she tore through her closet trying to find something that would look half decent and she could quickly modify to accommodate her wings, seeing as how the only time she’d ever actually worn clothes was with the intentions of hiding her wings, and that had been months ago, so the only clothing she had on hoof was for non-winged ponies. She also realized she had a lot of clothes, not just her Winter Wrap-Up vest and foreleg accessory, but a bunch of other clothes she couldn’t even remember having actually acquired. The only alternative possible was that they were all gifts from family and friends over the years, though why she would have kept getting clothing that she never had need of wearing only confused her more. After all, she wasn’t some simple filly’s toy whose intended play pattern was to have realistic, brushable mane and tail hairs and be dressed up like a fashion model over and over, even if her implausibly large wardrobe suggested otherwise.

Eventually, she gave up when the last thing she found remaining in the closet – everything else having been thrown to the opposite side of the bedroom – was a dress of sorts…except it was the dress she’d worn to her senior prom and even if she could still fit in it, the neckline was cut alarmingly low that revealed almost all of the entire forward portion of her barrel. Back in the neighties, that had been the cutting edge of social style. Now? Slut.

“Why do I even still own that?!” she exclaimed, making sure that it was deftly hidden from view as she’d sooner have it be publicly known her house had enough alcohol hidden in total to be eligible for an alcohol sales licence then for anybody to think she ever even considered owning something that daring. Then again, Cheerilee mentally admitted, I also didn’t think I’d really end up being a teacher.

However, the problem remained that she still didn’t have a dress for the evening. As much as I hate to admit it, I might need to borrow one of mom’s dresses. As weird as it is to use my own mom’s dress to go on a date, at least hers are already pre-fabricated with wing holes.

But right as the dress-deprived mare opened her front door to leave, she instead found Fluttershy of all ponies standing in front of it, hoof raised as if about to knock. “Oh, uh, good morning!” said the flustered visitor, who had spent most of her available willpower to not jump back a few hundred yards when the door opened right as she merely thought of knocking.

“Hello, Fluttershy, did you need me for something?” Cheerilee noted that the other pony seemed to have something on her back, the absence of a saddlebag to hold it leaving some questions about what it was.

“Well, no, I don’t, but Rarity said you had ordered this the other day and since I was heading into town if I could deliver it for her.” Carefully, as if she was trying to move the most delicate thing ever created, she gave Cheerilee the thing on her back. It was a semi-glossy box, silver all over but on the top was a logo; a bright purple spiral that in the middle sat a pair of blue eyes with fancifully styled eyebrows.

“Ordered? But, but I didn’t….” sputtered Cheerilee. Even if she’d known about that night’s date with Big Mac a year in advance, she never would have ordered something from the best seamstress in town. When it came to luxuries she could afford on her annual salary as a teacher, high-end designer clothes were simply out of the question. “There must be some mistake, I…I can’t take-“

“Oh! She said you also might have forgotten you ordered it,” interrupted Fluttershy, as if reciting a scripted line, “so she included the receipt inside.”

“If I forgot I ordered a dress from Carousel Boutique, I doubt I have much longer as a teacher,” nervously chuckled Cheerilee as she beckoned Fluttershy inside, as it would be rude to just dismiss the mare by closing the door in her face. Putting the box on her dining room/kitchenette table, Cheerilee gingerly removed the top. The playful part of her mind compared it to a scene from a Daring Do novel, where the heroine was opening the Ark of the Covneighant.

But unlike the novel, the box did not contain the crystallized skull of an alien pony race with freakishly large heads. Rather, inside was exactly what one would expect from a dressmaker; a dress. But to call this article of clothing a “dress” was about as accurate as Celestia saying “my wings are so pretty” for this was a Rarity-crafted dress. As it was removed from the tissue wrapping, the one-piece garment seemed to unfold by order of its own will, each newly-revealed stitch making it all the more beautiful.

Once fully removed, Cheerilee had a hard time looking away from the masterpiece in her hooves. Its jet-black fabric sparkled in the light by some kind of enchantment or just the nature of the fabric itself, with the small sleeves ending in gentle, folded curves as did the bottom opening. The neckline was in a “V” shape but did not cut down anywhere remotely as far as Cheerilee’s unmentionable dress of shame did, only far enough that wearing the dress would not conceal any jewelry also being worn, which was good as the dazzled pony knew she had a simple ruby necklace that would match this outfit perfectly. Completing the solution to her dress problems were the two openings on the garment’s back, obviously for her wings.

“It’s…it’s perfect,” was all Cheerilee could say. But while she was not one to look a gift from a horse in the mouth, the timing was almost too perfect. Looking down, Cheerilee realized that she’d been so preoccupied with admiring Rarity’s hoofwork that the receipt had fallen to the floor. Carefully folding the dress back into the box, Cheerilee then reached down to pick up the slip of paper, finding it inscribed with nothing but a simple message:

The only payment I’ll accept for this is that you use it to impress somepony special in the near future, consider it on the house otherwise.
~R

Immediately, Cheerilee recalled Rainbow’s odd answers as to what she had realized the day before. “Of course - Rarity’s trying to play matchmaker as if she’s Princess Cadence,” said the unnaturally winged pony. “At least this time there won’t be any love poison involved…I hope.” But when she looked up, she discovered another detail she’d initially overlooked; there was a butter yellow feather caught inside the dress, near the trimming on one of the wing holes. The teacher turned to ask Fluttershy, but the pegasus already blushed furiously in knowing the question as she’d noticed it at the same time.

“Yeah…Rarity couldn’t get your measurements, so, uh, she used me as a stand-in to try it out. That…that’s not a problem, is it?”

Cheerilee laughed. “Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to get Big Mac for yourself.”

Fluttershy blushed harder, “Wha? No, I wouldn’t, I couldn’t! Not after that one time when he lost his voice and-“

“-Cheerilee thought Fluttershy’s deeper voice was your voice and, admittedly, did a very good faux swoon faint right in front of the stage!” Rarity paused to catch her breath before continuing, “I do wonder what her reaction was later when Fluttershy accidentally revealed herself to the crowd, given where we all are now.”

“Ah can’t say Ah know, either,” replied Big Mac, “but Ah doubt Ah’ll be askin’ her anytime soon. Normally, Ah don’t take pride in foolin’ ponies like that and, really, this whole fancy date night kind of-OW!”

“Sorry, sorry!” apologized Rarity, “I’m not used to working on clothes that require as much wool fabric as your ensemble has proven to need, it’s not easy to put needles through suffice to say. Though if it had to happen to anypony, you’re the best candidate with your years of hard labor hardened skin, no?”

“Don’t mean Ah don’t feel no pain like a regular pony does.”

“True.”

Big Mac took a deep breath to try and calm himself. It wasn’t like him to get butterflies in his stomach. And while he stood in the middle of Rarity’s workshop, playing the dual role of part fitting dummy, part mildly annoyed pincushion, and for all the world’s cares looked absolutely out of place, that wasn’t what was worrying him.

No, as childish as it was, it was nerves, pure and simple. Truth be told he’d never had an interest in pursuing a relationship, he’d had to put such ideas for his future away after the death of his parents and assume the role of the big stallion on the farm…because he was the only stallion on the farm. He had to be the unbreakable support holding up the farm and, more importantly, his grandmother and younger sisters. He’d sacrificed most of his time to personally making sure the farm’s daily workloads got done and that there was enough profit to put food on the table that wasn’t apples and apples alone. All in all, his life was actually kind of dull, but it was the routine he was used to.

And that might have been why he was so anxious for a change this day. He was a farmer, born and bred, and often relied on as few words as possible to convey his thoughts. She…well, she was a pony who was everything he wasn’t and yet somehow didn’t mind his awkwardness when it came to his comparatively small knowledgebase of words. Made even smaller, really, as he never, ever wanted to use that embarrassing “shmoopy-doo” baby talk he repeated like a broken record the last time he and Cheerilee were on a “date” of any sort.

“Big Mac?” asked Rarity, snapping him out of his mental trance. He glanced over to the seamstress, and for all the hammy, over-the-top, impossibly fantastic romantic nonsense that had fueled her brain that got him into this, her look of genuine concern at that moment reaffirmed in his mind that she was only doing these extremely generous things out of a desire to help two ponies hit it off properly. “I know that this whole thing is somewhat overbearing, my...theatrics and enthusiasm most likely not helping in the slightest, but please remember that in the end, all I’m doing is set dressing on the stage for you to impress Cheerilee.”

“And paying for the most expensive dinner for two in town?”

Rarity nickered. “Oh, as if I was going to go to all this trouble to help young love blossom between the second and third most workaholic ponies in this town only to let them waste it all by trying to light the fire of passion in Beet O’ Brady’s.”

Big Mac raised an eyebrow. “You say that like you have some experience with such a date.”

“Don’t even get me started, though at the same time it was back during high school and I’d yet to taste the finer parts of upper class society as being more to my personal liking, so I had to learn the pitfalls of love searching at some point. Seriously, though, I’d be hard pressed to believe that for any romance starting that would lead to my hoof in marriage, it would involve my beau having our first dinner date be in that questionable chain of restaurants.

“But that’s getting off point. What matters now is that you, Big Mac, have the confidence to be you around her. That’s what she likes, what she has to like about you after all this time, since while I’m not one to spread rumor around I did overhear a pegasus from the weather teams telling another about a betting pool over if and when you and Cheerilee would finally become an item. As much as I disapprove of Rainbow letting such a thing exist at all, the fact other ponies know that there’s a connection you two share should make it clear there is chemistry going on.” Then as if flipping a switch, Rarity slid right back into her usual mannerisms. “Besides, if nothing else, I am buying you a free dinner. After all, I’m at least that generous enough to spare you the indignity of eating one of those ghastly ‘Double O’Burgers’ later today.”

Oddly, with Big Mac’s confidence going up with Rarity’s version of a pep talk having just occurred, he also couldn’t help but wonder what a Double O’Burger even tasted like. To his knowledge, nopony he knew had ever eaten there.

Chapter 9 - "Heaven (that place with the Chandelier) in Your Eyes"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 9

Scootaloo hungrily bit into her delicious Junior O’Burger like a famished timberwolf...if timberwolves ate crappy, but cheap, tofu-based fast food, that is.

“Just sayin’, Scoot, those things are a heart attack on a bun if you keep inhaling them at the rate you’re going,” advised Rainbow, who had opted to ruin her own diet a little for the sake of enjoying the moment by way of two large tofu chili haydog coneys. Unlike the filly sitting on her back, however, Rainbow would have to wait to eat until she got to their seats in a private skybox toward the top of the seating structure. In fairness, it wasn’t really “private” as it was “special invitation” as the seats were in front of a relatively large covered deck often occupied by the well-to-do upper class of Canterlot for typical, short derbies.

Today, however, was different. This was the Triple Feather Derby, the biggest showcase the Wonderbolts would put on all year. A mix of performance competitions in both aerial agility and raw speed, the “TFD” as it was called by both its participants and fans, it served as a high water mark for the Wonderbolts main performance season. In a practical sense, it also served as a way to “break-in” the rookies who had made it to the primetime but had little experience performing in front of a crowd, the hope being that the raw energy and excitement of the whole affair would in turn motivate them to get over any lingering stage fright. Thus, the normally stuffy private viewing area was reserved only for audience members with some connection to the Wonderbolts, ranging from retired Wonderbolts and their families to the ponies working public relations duty and the reservists, the latter not being allowed to participate as they were not true Wonderbolts just yet.

Having become something of a public figure herself (much to her secret chagrin), Rainbow wasn’t too awestruck by being in the presence of legends like Crafty Netti, who had been so popular among the ranks as a squad leader that to be able to claim one could “Run With Netti” could be marked as a highlight of one’s service record, and of course the one and only Seamuffin who in her time with the ‘Bolts had set the record for the most consecutive derby wins.

“Wow, there’s a lot of awesome ponies, here!” gushed Scootaloo, who wasn’t certain that she had not in fact died and gone to Worship-what-Rainbow-Worships Heaven. “Of course, they’re not as cool as you, Dash!”

“Of course not, you gotta remember that I’m technically a second generation Wonderbolt myself, given my mom was one in all but official capacity.”

“I thought you said your mom quit the reserves to get married?”

“Yeah, but that was because she found my dad even more awesome and, naturally, all that awesome combined led to me, so truthfully? The only thing holding me back from being on the field today is the process of climbing the ladder, so to speak. Oh, hey, they’re about to start the first race!”

For about the next hour, the two pegasi were truly like sisters and anypony who wasn’t aware of Rainbow being an only filly would have immediately assumed they were sisters by blood. In fact, several ponies did come up to the pair simply to ask Rainbow why she never mentioned the fact Firefly had given birth to another daughter, expressing surprise when the Wonderbolt hopeful corrected the misconception as the idea somepony who was so lazy when not doing flying related things moving heaven and earth to be one filly’s big sister figure seemed to hit them out of left field. And it brought Scootaloo more and more pride every time Rainbow made sure to mention how a sibling relationship like theirs didn’t need a bloodline connection to be as strong as any true family relation.

“At this rate, I might need to ask my parents to outright adopt you, Scoot,” suggested Rainbow after explaining their story to what must have been the fifteenth pony to ask.

“Hey, it beats how everypony thought I was an orphan for some reason a few years ago when my parents were on some trip lasting months and I had to stay with my Aunt Mistral and Uncle Sundowner over in Easy Mark.”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow at that. “Easy Mark? But you were still going to Ponyville Elementary?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Uncle Sundowner flew me back and forth, it was only for the last month of school I needed to get frequent flyer miles. Though between you and me? I was just glad to get out of the house, I really don’t like my cousin Monsoon.”

“Why?”

“He decided to try making me some test subject involving electric magnets and spouted things he called ‘memes’ or something, namely while trying to shock me or something.” Scootaloo then leaned in closer to Rainbow as if to tell a secret. “He’s not a pegasus so he doesn’t get how we’re immune to that kind of thing.”

Dash just stared indignantly at her pseudo-sibling. When Scoot finally realized her mistake, she shot back in embarrassment.

“Oh, sorry, sorrysorrysorry! Totally forgot about…yeah, sorry!”

To her relief, Dash’s mouth just melted into a smile as she got drawn into a one-legged hug. “Ah, it’s no biggie. Not like anypony gets struck by lightning at random, I’m just awesome that way, too.”

“I wouldn’t say the most gifted individual in the reserves getting grounded by a freak lightning strike is awesome,” came a new voice, “in fact if I’m not mistaken, isn’t getting struck by lightning a bad sign?”

“Better than getting knocked out by a falling unicorn,” replied Rainbow with a smirk. “Which I do believe the act of saving you and the other Wonderbolts got me on the fast track into the reserves in the first place, no?”

Spitfire shook her head as she got within proper talking distance of her subordinate. “Guess that bolt really did only make your brain think you could fly like a penguin, though I hear you’ve been well on the upswing for recovery?”

“Yeah! I’m almost at the point I can do a Sonic Rainboom again, just working out the kinks in the minor details, y’know?”

Spitfire shrugged. “Not really, I can’t do a Sonic Rainboom. My thing’s [X], remember? Or did the lightning fry that bit of your birdbrain too?”

"[X]?" Rainbow gasped, her brain literally unable to grasp the word Spitfire had said, as though her neurons had somehow censored the word.

“Rainbow, what’s an [X]?” asked Scoot, having never heard the word before.

“It’s what I’m good at,” explained Spitfire.

"Yeah, I'll say!" Soarin' called out, having overheard the conversation. "Spitfire's the best damn [X]-specialist the Wonderbolts have ever had! Even better than Ol' Rocketfuel himself!"

Rainbow blinked, not sure if her brain had suddenly fantasized the whole thing.

“Uh, you okay, Rainbow?” asked Spitfire.

“Y-yeah, what were you saying?”

“I was just saying that I’m got at-“

“Ah, yes, okay, good!” interrupted Rainbow, much to Spitfire’s confusion. Was there a problem with what she did for a special talent?

Meanwhile, Scootaloo was getting into the excitement of the moment. "So, Spitfire, can anypony do [X], or is it tied to your special talent?"

"Well, kiddo, anypony can do it with enough practice," the Wonderbolts leader said with a wry smile, "but it takes years of training and talent to pull off the really high-class [X]es, you know?"

"Oh, so Rainbow can do a better [X] than you, Spitfire?"

Rainbow blanched slightly, as insulting her superior officer in the ‘Bolts wasn’t a good idea. "Uh, Scoots, not knockin' anypony, but I'm...uh...sure that Spitfire's own talents are the best at what she does, especially her, um...skill. And while I can probably do it, I, um...still need to work on my flying and recovery, which is why it's important that I keep training with Cheerliee."

At the mention of the teacher’s name, Scootaloo started to pout. That in turn told Spitfire that there was currently unresolved issues that the two sisters needed to work out. “Er, I’ll catch up more with you later, Dash, gotta go see Fleetfoot about a thing.”

Rainbow saw off Spitfire, before taking a deep breath and facing Scootaloo over the proverbial white elephant between them. “Scoot, you know I need to get airborne for the sake of Ponyville not getting destroyed by weather.”

“So, what, are you saying ‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few’ or something?” angrily asked Scoot.

“No, because that saying gets said so often and isn’t really even what this issue actually stems from,” answered Rainbow. “I know I promised we would spend time together, which last I checked is exactly what we’re supposed to be doing right now, but the truth is that promise was made without knowing I was going to be suddenly limited in flying ability. The importance that I get back to being the fastest thing in the sky is something I can’t emphasize enough, Scoot. I need to fly for my job, I need to fly if I’m ever going to be more than a Wonderbolt Reserve, I need to fly because this picture on my butt sides tells me that’s what I’m really good at doing. And so that’s why I’ve been spending all my free time with Ms. Cheerilee and her, uh, assistants; so I can get back to being awesome in the way I know how as fast as possible.

“I will admit, I was so focused on getting through this therapy thing that I didn’t give as much consideration to how you felt about the whole affair. The time you and I spend together is something I can’t even begin to describe how much I value. But at the same time, I knew the faster I got through therapy, the faster things would get back to normal and the sooner we would be able to have the sister time like I promised. Obviously, I needed to do a better job of balancing my time management as you felt I was being neglectful by keeping out out of the loop. That wasn’t at all my intention, Scoot, and it never will. “

“What?” Scootaloo was surprised that Rainbow thought she had been the one at fault. “No, I knew you wouldn’t be doing this therapy thing if you had a choice, but Ms. Cheerilee’s been-“

“Been what? Stealing me, I think you accused her of?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “Scoot, think about it; why in the world would your teacher scheme to take up all my time such that I had none left for you? If anything, she’s the one being hardest hit because of this whole nonsense.”

“How? She’s the one doing all the teaching! For all you know, she could be intentionally keeping you from ever regaining your full flying talent!”

“Again, Scoot, I ask why she would ever want that?”

With her chest puffed out, Scootaloo raised a hoof to deliver her evidence. Except she then realized she had none.

Dash smirked. “Thought so. I get the feeling you were just jealous that she was getting to spend time with me when you weren’t, but to tell the truth, nopony who is tied to my therapy really wants it to go any longer than it needs to. I already told you my reasons, but you also need to realize how much this is impacting their lives, too. Dr. Silver and his wife Mrs. Chalkboard? They’re only in town simply to help provide the requirements for physical therapy that Cheerilee herself can’t.”

“So? I still don’t see why Ms. Cheerilee is the one you say has made the biggest sacrifices over all this. She was a pegasus for a whole week of school several months ago, too, so it’s not like this is anything new to-“

“Scoot,” intoned Dash, becoming more stern and serious than Scootaloo had ever seen her be. “Do you know what life is like as an earth pony?”

“Wh-what do you mean?” questioned the filly, sort of horrified at what Rainbow might be saying.

“No, I don’t mean to be asking it like that!” retorted Rainbow with an eye roll. “I mean in the simple details, things like…okay, how about this: what if you woke up one day and your wings were gone, but instead you had a horn on your forehead? What would you be unable to do in that situation?”

“Well…I don’t think my helmet would fit anymore, but more importantly, without my wings, I couldn’t go fast on my scooter, or be as athletic since aren’t unicorns usually the slowest compared to earth ponies and pegasi?”

“I don’t know if that’s true entirely, but the other stuff about the scooter is sort of on the right track. With that in mind, imagine what it must have been like for your teacher, who has to spend every day of her life right now with an extra set of limbs attached to her back. Limbs that require learning how to preen, something we natural pegasi practically know how to do from birth but she probably had to learn from her mother.”

“Cheerilee’s mom is a pegasus?”

“Yeah, she actually gave a lecture the first day of therapy on flight basics to me and Cheerilee, but that’s beside the point.”

“Which is that Ms. Cheerilee isn’t trying to steal you, but instead has to live with weird physical complications all in the name of your well-being?”

Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, but when I’m eventually cleared as fully therapized, she gets to go back to being an earth pony.”

“Oh.” Scootaloo then finally began to understand the gravity of what she’d done two days prior. “I bet I hurt her bad when I accused her of trying to keep us apart, didn’t I? Rainbow, when we get back to Ponyville tomorrow, remind me I need to apologize. I shouldn’t have been so judgmental.”

“Will do. I’m sure that while Cheerilee is doing fine right now, showing her you understand you’re not the only one whose summer is being ruined by this therapy business will cheer her right up!”

The number of times Cheerilee had needed to go to her parents’ house for things she really should have known how to do herself in the past month was rapidly approaching double digits, which was exponentially more than the number of times she’d visited for any reason in the preceding year. The fact she’d considered using one of her mother’s own dresses for the evening had been bad enough, but even with the dress, Cheerilee found herself at the mercy of her mother’s touch once again, though for a much more delicate matter.

“So you have that awful atrocity of a dress you got for the sole purpose of rebelling against more contemporary styles of the time, and a ton of other dresses in addition to that, but the only makeup you have is as recent as Silver and Dusty’s wedding from last year?” Swiftsprinter just shook her head in disbelief. “Do you have some aversion to looking good, to the point Rarity had to make a custom dress for you in secret?”

“Mom, I’m a teacher, not a secretary or a trophy wife or any other kind of pony who slathers on stuff that’s essentially glorified grease on their face. You’re a emergency response pony, too, you of all ponies should know that grease on fur is going to end in disaster!”

“Only for ponies who don’t practice. It’s like a delicate art in how makeup should be applied. Plus, I don’t know why you still have that impression that good makeup should be caked on like a mud pie; the intention is to be a collection of subtle colorations that bring out your natural beauty.”

Cheerilee sighed as the powder was lightly padded against her cheeks. “Fine, just…no mascara. Even if I don’t know makeup all that well, I know enough about how you always overdo it, mom. I don’t want to go out tonight looking like my eyes are straight out of a hoof-drawn cartoon or something.”

“Of course not, dear, not after Pinkie made it illegal to have more than half an ounce of the stuff in any household.” The incident of Pinkie Pie’s “Boutique Party” still manifested itself around town as Pinkie’s sudden fixation on the color black had not ended well for anypony after she discovered the “joys” of the eyeliner formula.

Suddenly, a familiar knock was at the door, sending the house into silence.

“Guess he’s picking this flower as fresh as he can,” joked Swift, before putting a reassuring hoof on her daughter’s withers. “It’s going to be fine, Cheerilee, honestly you’re no better like this then your own students. Big Mac doesn’t have cooties.”

“Mom, that was something the Equestrian Department of Education came up with to encourage kids to stay away from kids with Mane Lice when you were in school,” corrected Cheerilee. “But…I don’t want this to just end up with us being good friends like the last time.”

“And it’s not, you know what your father said he was going to do if things-“

“I know he played his retired guardspony card and both he and you are going to be playing stakeout at a table in the same restaurant.” Disarmed, Swift couldn’t come up with a justification or much less a reason to dissuade her daughter of such a notion, which brought a smile to Cheerilee’s muzzle. “What, you don’t think I didn’t expect him to do something like that, what with all the stories of him doing that kind of work when he investigated changeling hives?”

“No, I think you’re proving that you’re still quick-witted enough that even if something bad happened tonight, you’d be able to make it one of the evening’s positive highlights. Now go meet your date before I whip out what mascara I do have!”

The mock-argument continued out of the master bathroom, down the stairs, and finally ended with no clear victor just before reaching the front door. Before Cheerilee could properly ready herself, however, a distinct silver aura illuminated the doorknob and threw the partition open without any warning. She didn’t bother looking around; Silver would already have bolted away with victory at having pulled that old trick again. She’d get him back later.

But currently, her priorities were to the other stallion of her interest, one she wanted in an entirely different manner. There, standing in the largest tuxedo she’d ever seen, was Big Mac. How Rarity managed to cram him into formal wear must have involved making the clothing conceal some sort of pocket dimension to hold all of the large stallion. But she didn’t care about the how, she cared about how Mac had clearly gone to great lengths that extended well out of his comfort zone for no reason other than to impress the town’s simple schoolmarm.

"Pleasant evening we're having, madame, are we not?" Big Mac asked a surprisingly mellifluous voice that stunned Cheerilee.

“B-Big Mac?” stammered Cheerilee, “When…when did you-“

“As I’m sure you’re aware, our mutual friend Rarity has had her hoof in much of tonight’s affairs. Including, shall we say, ‘accent lessons’ to make me sound more refined for this night’s dinner plans.”

“It’s…it’s not permanent, is it? Not to say I don’t like it, but…Trottingham just doesn’t seem to fit you.”

Big Mac sighed in what seemed to be relief. “You have no idea how pleased as punch I am to hear such. If I may be so bold, I hope you don’t mind if I continue this at least for our eve, as it was a rather ghastly affair with Rarity drilling me into sounding like this and I fear if I were to, ahem, ‘release it’ I shall revert back to my normal voice, which I have been assured is an occurrence that simply won’t do for tonight.”

Cheerilee smiled, before walking forward and weaving one of her forelegs into Big Mac’s. “Well, if that’s the case, then we might as well get it over with, shall we? Or should we tell the Crusaders they can get their cutie marks by trying to be fancy dining food service employees?”

“As long as we don’t need to use those awful pet names like last time.”

“Ah, yes, we’ve been…expecting you,” greeted Pleasant Demeanor to the odd couple. Against all odds, that Rarity had managed to take the absolute hick she’d walked into the restaurant two days before and turned him into a virtual Shorn Cannery, complete with the Trottingham accent. It wasn’t perfect, the appearance had obvious cracks in a few spots, but in general the tux-garbed stallion wouldn’t raise too many eyebrows. It almost made Demeanor feel bad about accepting that one mare’s money.

But he didn’t feel bad enough about his date. This “Cheerilee” individual, according to that little info packet he’d been given, was the very definition of the average “commoner” the restaurant disliked having, which by extension he was not too fond of either. Why that one mare wanted him to utterly ruin a common schoolteacher’s fancy dinner date was beyond him, but he suspected it had something to do with how the images in the effective dossier (the questions raised about why there was a dossier on her full of no incriminating info whatsoever were pushed into the back of his mind) depicted an earth pony when clearly the mare who had shown up was a pegasus. Apparently the discrepancy was somehow tied to unconventional transfiguration, or what basically amounted to mean “freak of nature” to PD. To the mare’s credit, she looked dressed just as well as her companion in a fetching little black dress, but unlike the possibly brainwashed tuxedo clad one, she very much lacked the finesse expected of the patrons of the establishment. Such a problem would need to be corrected indeed.

But the two had no idea of his thoughts, his perfectly serene expression masking the reality. He grabbed up two menus before beckoning them to follow. “As requested, you have the honor of being at the best table in the restaurant.” The night of trials had begun, PD noted, as the already seated patrons occasionally looked up when they noticed the new comers, but he was able to seat them without much fuss. Why are those two even together? the maitre d’ thought as he handed them their menus before heading back to his normal station at the front of the house, the first part of his plan needing to wait before being executed.

Suddenly, he heard the voice of Armageddon when he saw who was next to be seated.

“Oooh, shiny!” chirped Pinkie, wearing a baby blue dress that anybody familiar with her wardrobe would have noted looked strikingly like her old gala dress only with less candy-themed décor.

“Indeed, they certainly spared no expense to blind whoever enters, didn’t they?” commented Rarity, who outright just wore her gala dress wholesale and without change.

PD revised his previous thoughts. This is when his trials would begin.

It was an awkward atmosphere at the table where the two ponies with the most unusual love lives sat across from one another. They’d finally managed to get over the awkwardness of how they’d been effectively mind-controlled into the same physical position a year before by Cheerilee’s elementary students.

Now they just had to get over the awkwardness of breaking the ice, a task neither of them were having much success with as they hid behind their menus.

“So, um…” ventured Cheerilee. “You see anything that sounds good?”

“I’m assuming everything on the menu is good, dear lady. why, it would be simply beyond the pale were they to serve anything that any decent pony could construe as ‘bad’,” replied Big Mac, avoiding having to outright say the fanciest thing he’d ever eaten had probably been the birthday cake at Apple Bloom’s last birthday, since Pinkie had gone all-out and made a five flavor ice cream cake. Naturally, Big Mac had refused a slice, citing it wouldn’t be right for him to eat something meant for his little sister, but it had been in vain when he suddenly found a Pinkie-foreleg-propelled super-sized slice shoved into his gullet the second he opened his mouth to repeat his refusal. He was certain it had been so good that it almost had killed him from pure sugar overload.

Behind her menu, Cheerilee giggled. “A fair point, though the pasta al burro e parmigiano with the broccoli spears sort of calls to me.”

“Sort of? Does it only send you half a telegram?”

The sudden, light thump told Big Mac he probably said something bad. Gingerly, he lowered his menu to see a nonplused expression on his date’s face.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” she replied in perfect deadpan. “But I don’t know why all it ever tells me is ‘stop’ without telling me what I should ‘stop’ in the first place.”

Big Mac was at a loss as to what to say, his mouth slightly agape as his brain raced to try and comprehend what was going on. Mercifully, his companion’s expression shifted to an amused smile. “It’s a joke, you don’t seriously think that was at all serious did you?”

“Depends on if you’re aware of the time my sister and her cohorts got so bored they actually tried talking to fruit.”

“What? They did not!”

“Well, it might have been because I told them to try talking to some conveniently sleeping ‘fruitbats’ they hadn’t seen me buy from the market earlier that day.”

“You did not!” Cheerilee put a hoof to her mouth to stop herself from bursting into laughter. “I can’t believe you’re the one who was responsible for your sister bringing in that giant strawberry and claiming it was a hibernating fruitbat!”

“Oh, so that’s what she did with it?” Big Mac proceeded to launch into a very British-accented recounting of the time when the CMC tried to get their marks for agricultural science by making things grow faster, except they only managed to make their experimental crop grow three times larger than natural size. All the while, neither of the two noticed that they still hadn’t decided what to order for dinner.

“I’ll leave you two to decide what you want to order, a waiter will be along soon to take your drink requests. I hope you have the utmost delightful dining experience here at the Le Epicurean Cavalier!” The unicorn and pegasus couple nodded politely and PD left to go kiss the plots of whoever else had shown up while he waited to act. As he glanced over, he noticed Big Mac and Cheerilee only just now placing their orders, a good twenty minutes after having been seated. While he was glad he had the chance now instead of them ordering up while seating Rarity and the pink nightmare herself, the delay was grating on his psyche. At least the party of two who he seated after the cause of his initial problems – an ex-guardspony veteran and his wife who carried herself like a seasoned field medic – had been much more accommodating to his temperament and at no point had asked where the bathtub full of ice cream was hidden. Honestly, a bathtub full of ice cream of all things! Scoffed PD, mentally, where does that air-headed blob of sentient cotton candy think she is? Beet O’ Brady’s?!

Taking the opportunity to head to the staff area next to the kitchen, PD let himself flex his face – wearing that fake smile was so straining sometimes – before noting the server who had taken his mark’s orders having returned and putting up the order slip on the line to be prepared. Acting quickly, PD slipped into the kitchen and momentarily took the script down.

“Hey, what do you think-?” retorted one of the line chefs, before being silenced by PD’s raised hoof.

“The table that ordered this notified me that there was to be a slight change, that’s all,” reassured PD. The line cook grumbled before turning back to the vat of soup he was dishing up. While it was an extremely rare occurrence, it was not unheard of that the maitre d' on duty being asked to slightly alter an order at a patron’s request in lieu of the waiter’s availability. Obviously, no such thing had happened in this instance, but nopony really cared to question it since it wasn’t that much a secret about how PD was almost as disliked by the actual chefs as much as he hated the clientele. Besides, he thought with a smirk as he made his slight alteration to the order ticket, it’s not like Rarity can complain, this is something normally reserved for only the most important of ponies. And for good reason.

“…so I’m trying to find Lugnut and somehow, I keep ending up not only having to play all these kinds of carnival games but also consecutively winning them, but I really don’t need any of the prizes I’m winning so I keep handing them off to ponies around me. It wasn’t until later when I learned it was somehow not only the same pony each time, but that it was the same Wonderbolt who had crashed into me a little while earlier. Apparently she thought me shoving all these cheap prizes in her direction was me showering her with gifts of affection!” Big Mac chuckled. “Honestly? The fact she was sort of stalking me was really off-putting and from what I recall of Rainbow telling me about her, she’s not my kind of mare.”

“Wait, you shower a mare who you don’t like, but when it comes to the mare you do like, you don’t shower me with gifts?” Cheerilee mock-pouted, hoping Mac didn’t take offense and think he could buy her affections with material goods. Except maybe more hard cider but she wasn’t going to risk something that could make her seem to be an exploitive alcoholic.

Fortunately, Mac took it in stride. “Of course, isn’t my plan of giving ponies I don’t like so many things that they’re buried in useless junk obvious? How else would I have enough time for the ponies I do like?”

Cheerilee laughed. “You know, it’s a shame you don’t talk more often, you’re much more witty than anypony really gives you credit for.”

Mac shrugged. “I…rarely get the chance to show it: on the farm there isn’t much use for long conversations and, if you’ll allow me to admit, I’m still not good with using the more complicated words in the dictionary, especially the ones I don’t really even understand.”

The college graduate mare blinked in confusion. “I don’t follow.”

Big Mac took a deep sigh before replying. “You probably already know simply from our usual interactions when we pass each other in the street, but…I’m not quite as smart as you are.”

To his surprise, Cheerilee shook her head in disagreement. “I can assure you, Big Mac, that you know far, far more about how to run an apple farm than I ever will.”

“No, it’s not like that,” replied Mac, “it’s-“

“Dinner is served,” interrupted the Prench-accented server, a crème’ coated unicorn with a well-cared-for mustache, as he levitated two large covered trays in front of the two diners, then removed the domed covers to reveal the finest Prench cuisine in all of Ponyville. “Bon appetit!”

“Thank you,” both Mac and Cheerilee said, their server nodding in acknowledgement before departing.

the meal looked succulent, with glazed carrots in a honey-spiced drizzle, accompanied with neatly-scallloped potatoes and grilled Brussels sprouts. On the other plate, a well-braised tofu-steak sat, crusted with mushrooms and almonds, and accompanied by a three-rice paella.

“Before we begin,” started Cheerilee, a slight blush coming to her cheeks,” I feel I have to tell you that you didn’t need to do all this just to impress me, and while I understand why, it’s just-OH!” Almost absentmindedly, she’d started trying to use her cutlery to prepare the food for her consumption, but somehow she’d ended up launching a small portion of it on a trajectory right in the middle of Big Mac’s muzzle.”

“Cheerilee, if you wanted to feed me,” joked Big Mac, partly of the opinion she’d actually done that on purpose as she simply licked the food off his face as if it was the most natural thing in the world (and causing at least one other diner who had noticed to faint at the blatantly poor table manners at play), “you just had to-“

SPLAT

Somehow, purely by accident, Cheerilee had launched an even bigger portion of her food onto Big Mac’s face. “I…I’m so sorry, I don’t know what…” she stammered, now trying desperately to figure out why she suddenly couldn’t control silverware to direct food into her mouth and not Big Mac’s face.

From a distance, PD watched with an almost serene lack of care, though inside he was grinning wildly. His plan had paid off – for whatever reason, that dossier had included what looked like a school textbook’s simple description of the differences between pegasus, unicorn, and earth ponies. Among the details, he noted that there were implications that earth ponies had more dexterity in their hooves compared to the other subspecies, though in most cases this difference was a negligible detail for pony interaction. But he played a hunch that, if Cheerilee really had become a pegasus despite being otherwise a naturally born earth pony, she would be used to her hooves being more sensitive than usual and, more importantly, having a better grip. So, he’d had the serving staff be accommodating of his added “request” that she be given a set of extra polished silverware – made from real silver, of course – and were thus extremely difficult to manipulate if a pony’s grip was…lacking.

As the increasingly panicky mare tried to salvage the situation and only ended up shoveling more of her food into her date’s face, PD was certain he was in the clear.

Or at least until Big Mac, trying to stop his date from giving him a Prench cuisine facial mask, leaned forward and evidently upset the table’s balance. It promptly snapped at the base under his weight, causing him to fall to the ground and what was left of both dishes to fall on top of him.

Then, the miniature quake that came from the massive stallion hitting the floor managed to shake the whole building…just enough for the chandelier’s mounting to come loose. Fortunately, the fixture had been hung over a large fountain, so as it fell nopony was in danger of being crushed under it, but it still made quite a spectacle of noise as parts of it broke upon hitting the surface.

PD had no time to react as the next thing he knew was a mulberry blur racing past him and out the door, a barely perceptible trail of tears in its wake. He couldn’t help but grin maliciously but for a moment at his success.

“It was him!” suddenly rang out a high-pitched voice, which as PD turned to face apparently had produced a deerstalker cap and a pipe that blew bubbles. And with her was two very angry looking stallions, one of them the still food-coated Big Mac, and the other the ex-guard.

“I…beg your pardon?” replied the maitre d'. How could they even know he was-

“I found this in that pedestal thing you stand in front of all day!” declared Pinkie, holding up an evidence-bagged manila envelope with CHEERILEE printed on it in large block letters. A few of the pictures had already spilled out, ending any chance of trying to claim it was a different Cheerilee as if there was one.

Suddenly, the sound of flushing came from the conveniently nearby door to the ladies’ restroom, followed by a brief use of the sink, and finally by none other than Rarity choosing that exact moment to emerge, the whole disaster evidently occurring while she was doing her business.

Whatever was about to happen to him at the hooves of two pairs of angry ponies, one set horned and the other not, PD decided it was not ultimately worth the promise of a thousand bits.

The door slamming shut behind her, Cheerilee finally allowed herself to collapse against it, a pathetic excuse of a pony weeping in her place. She’d managed to absolutely screw it all up, at the worst possible moment. Not only that, but she probably embarrassed Big Mac to an exponential degree since if it wasn’t for her epic fail of trying to simply use cutlery, half a restaurant wouldn’t have been destroyed and…and…

Desperate to get some kind of relief, even though she knew she deserved it, she unconsciously moved toward one of her secret hard cider stashes. She had multiples all over her house, stocked for the occasion when she might need to be absolutely hammered, and as she prepared to crawl into the bottle, now was as good a time as any.

Chapter 10 - "Take My Booze Away"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 10 - "Take My Booze Away"

In the utter chaos that broke out from a crowd of panicked ponies inside the Le Cavilier Epicurien from the sudden collapse of its centerpiece adornment, it was very hard for anypony who knew better and keep cool to figure out what actually was going on. Such was the case for Swiftsprinter, who unfortunately had made the mistake of getting up the absolute second she realized what was going wrong with Cheerilee’s sudden lack of cutlery control, as the mad crowd of diners swept her away before she could get to her daughter in time. Resigning herself, she called to mind what military training she’d gotten rubbed off from her husband as while her daughter would be nursing some bitter wounds of the heart tonight, Swift couldn’t allow for this accident to injure any other ponies who had just come for a dinner at a fancy restaurant.

“Where in Tartarus is the manager!?” she demanded after getting the help of one or two other still level-headed ponies to calm the crowds and assure them that, no, the building was not actually going to collapse on top of them. “And where is my husband?!”

“I-I’m the manager,” said a unicorn who had appeared almost like a servant would when summoned by its master, probably because he was obviously kind of timid and was intimidated by her. “Glass Me-Menagerie, at your ser-“

“Look, I shouldn’t be doing your job, ok?” she interrupted, not in the mood for all the formality anymore. “You are the one who represents the restaurant, you should be the one handling the floor and your patronage, got it?”

“Y-yes, m’am!” he replied. There was a fifty-fifty chance that he was going to pass out the moment she turned her back on him, but she didn’t care. After thanking the other ponies who had helped control the crowd, the angry momma bear of a pegasus went to the ruins of the table where her daughter and her date had but minutes ago been dining. From a distance, it was obvious that the silverware given to her daughter was suspiciously different from what Big Mac had gotten, purely on how shiny they reflected the light. Picking up her daughter’s fork, Swift found the utensil surprisingly difficult to move around while maintaining her grip. The knife was the same story. With a sigh, she bundled up Cheerilee’s fork and Big Mac’s fork – which she was entirely unsurprised to find was much easier for her to handle – in the one napkin from the table that wasn’t covered in food. Her husband was going to need to see this.

At the other end of the restaurant, Perfect Demeanor regretted not having read up on Cheerilee’s listed parentage, as had he realized the guardspony veteran he’d seated earlier was in fact her father, he wouldn’t have sabotaged the dinner. But as the large unicorn’s unblinking gaze bore into him, the only thing he could think of as being a worse form of torture was the one time he’d lost a bet and had to listen to a mare named Maud attempt freestyle poetry the last time the town had its poetry slam night competition. At least then he had the excuse of being put to sleep from that mare’s rather impressive unemotional deadpan. The giant horned monster staring daggers into PD’s soul would probably kill him if he even so much as thought of fainting.

And he didn’t even want to think of the trouble coming his way, that he was certain, from the even larger stallion whose date he’d ruined. Big Mac was capable of superequine feats of strength and PD was half convinced the farmer’s tail was strong enough to snap his neck, short as it was.

“So, you gonna tell me why there’s an intel profile on my daughter in your podium?” growled Stronghold, leaning over PD with every bit of his guardspony ambience at the forefront.

“S-sir, are you really going to believe the pony who has pulled more pranks on everypony in this entire town, over me, a stallion who simply works here?” PD tried putting his calm smile back on, but all he managed was a large, nervous cringe.

“Really?” asked Pinkie, suddenly looking all around. “Nopony told me Whoopie Cushion was here!”

“Pinkie, darling,” said Rarity, “I think the brute is referring to you.”

“Me? The best prankster in town?” Pinkie giggled. “I’m good, but not as good as Whoopie. Why else would he run the Ponyville Prank Emporium?”

“Certainly not because he likes plantin’ fake evidence,” suggested Big Mac, who had decided to completely drop the fake accent. A glance from Rarity followed by a nod reassured him he no longer needed to pronounce the full sound of -ing words instead of holding the long n sound. “Which he seems t’ think is givin’ him an excuse by blamin’ you.”

“Yeah, too bad I’m not buying it,” grunted Stronghold, who at this point had already unbagged the envelope and was levitating its contents in front of him while he scanned them. “Sweet Luna, that’s her yearbook photo from high school! And…is this a copy of a school textbook section about the differences between earth ponies and pegasi?” He refocused his sights onto the cowering PD. “There’s easily enough here to prove you’ve either been stalking my daughter or have been trying to hurt her - which you already did.” He then leaned right in the maitre d’s face and added in a subdued voice that sounded all the more dangerous for it, “And that does not make me a very happy stallion.”

Deciding to try cutting his losses, PD had a little more success with his false smile. “So, what, are you trying to make a deal for information out of me?”

“I don’t cut deals. I cut enemies.” Stronghold’s eyes narrowed. “And right now, you fit the profile of one. So if you want to keep your tail and other appendages attached, you will tell us everything and in return I won’t personally beat the snot out of you for what you did to my daughter when I hand the pulp that is your broken body to the authorities.”

PD sighed a note of relief.

That was a trap, as Stronghold proved a second later: “Oh, wait, I misspoke: You will tell us everything and I’ll make sure that when the authorities get you and this evidence, you will not have been personally been used for apple bucking practice after I beat the snot out of you.” A very ladylike throat clearing prompted the fuming father to add with a slightly evil grin: “And I don’t even know what Rarity’s gonna do to you, but I have faith it’s going to make you rue the day you decided to hurt my little filly!”

“Oh, I don’t have to do a single thing, sir,” Rarity said in a sickly sweet tone to Stronghold. “Now, Princess Twilight, on the other hand, who is currently your daughter’s employer, as well as who I am a member of her court….” The white mare casually brushed a dainty hoof against her chest and added, “I understand that she’s also a friend of Cheerilee’s as well. That won’t bode well, either.”

PD sneered. “You can’t prove I had anything to do with what happened to your daughter. She-“ he gestured toward Pinkie “- may not have planted it, but how can you prove it wasn’t somepony else trying to frame me?”

“So, you’re accusing another member of the Princess’ court?” Rarity asked, and PD suddenly gulped. He could accuse Pinkie of theft in front of Princess Twilight with Pinkie holding the stolen goods and the alicorn wouldn’t likely believe him.

“Also, you literally have given it to us in hoofwriting,” said a new voice as Swiftsprinter came into the group. “Rarity, dear, can you compare these forks I have in this napkin? You’re good with the most minute details of fine dining, right?”

“Uh, sure, though I’m not quite clear on where this is going,” said Rarity as she took the napkin from Swift in her magic, then subsequently the two forks from within. Almost immediately she confirmed Swift’s suspicions simply from the look of horror on her face. “Swift, darling,” the alabaster unicorn began, “I presume these were the utensils used by Big Mac and Cheerilee.”

Swift nodded. “I don’t think I need to explain whose was whose to you.”

“Well, given one of these is a regular fork and the other isn’t meant to be handled with hooves but with magic, and…” glancing up, Rarity plucked one of the textbook pages still hovering in the air and skimmed over it. “Aha! Yes, so that’s what happened. Our little troublemaker here had Cheerilee’s silverware swapped with the extra fine cutlery normally reserved for only the highest upper class unicorns, they’re far too smooth for anypony to reliably use their hooves to use like most ponies. And how convenient that this little bit about how earth ponies have a stronger grip with their hooves than unicorns or pegasi is encircled in highlighted yellow ink, and our wounded lovebird is an earth pony temporarily playing the part of a pegasus.”

“And look what I found in the pile of completed order tickets,” added Swift, pulling out the slip of paper with the orders given from Big Mac and Cheerilee. On the bottom was clearly hoofwriting different from the server who had initially written it out, with the initials “P.D.” signing off the “request” to change out Cheerilee’s silverware.

Stronghold was not easily pushed over the edge. He could stew over something at the brink for days at a time, something he’d mastered during his enlisted days. But where terrible conditions of fighting during his service that would break lesser ponies never quite could make him budge an inch, this treachery toward his daughter was an entirely different thing. Except...he didn’t get the chance to act on those feelings as Big Mac beat him to it.

As for PD, the only thing he remembered happening next was a red hoof making contact with his muzzle’s left side and the momentum carrying him to crash onto the floor. Then, he felt the other, presumably red as well, hoof grip around his throat, slowly lifting him up while simultaneously choking him, the eyes of rage burning into him almost at temperatures to ignite spontaneous combustion. If PD had thought the unicorn was terrifying, Cheerilee’s date was effectively a demon from Tartarus itself, Big Mac’s nostils flaring and his teeth barred as he uttered one word.

“WHY.” It was not a question. It was not a request. It was a demand.

Oh, buck this, thought PD as he tried to gulp. Mac didn’t allow it, but when PD’s face turned from its natural coat color to having pronounced bluish accents, the unicorn let him drop. Gasping for breath, PD knew trying to weasel his way out of this was going to get him killed. “Somepony p…paid me off, alright?”

“WHO.”

“I don’t know…some mare sought me out in the…alley in back, gave me…the dossier and a pouch of a thousand bits. Said…she’d pay me another thousand to…ruin her date.”

“What?!” cried out a scandalized Rarity. “Of all the low life, dirty ponies in this town – of which I should mention are very few in number! – never did I think somepony could stoop to such a low as taking money to destroy young love!”

“Well, Rarity, he ain’t exactly fans of either Cheerilee or mahself, we bein’ ponies of much less means an’ all,” pointed out Big Mac. “But he was still paid off, so Ah wanna know who really wanted all of this.” He gestured to the half-destroyed dining area behind him.

“Didn’t…get the name,” piped up the still wheezing PD. “But she was…yellow, maybe dirty mustard coated or something, with some pretentious blue-and-orange mane-do.”

“Oh Celestia and Luna on their thrones,” gasped Swift, realizing with horror what was going on. “After all these years, that bitch Breakfast Club still has it out for Cheerilee!”

“Hey, wait a minute,” said Pinkie. “If some meanie is out to get Cheerilee…shouldn’t we be trying to find her before she does something really bad?”

With a speed rivaling Rainbow in top condition, Swift took off from a standing launch and hit subsonic speed right before she would have faceplanted into the restaurant’s brass door. The force of impact bent the door, broke it off its hinges, and sent it spiraling away into a nearby lamppost.

Inside the now slightly more broken restaurant, PD couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. “I never did like that door.”

Stronghold, on the other hoof, was struck by how protective Big Mac had been. The fact he made an utterly ridiculous look of a food-covered stallion in a tuxedo be something out of the scariest Nightmare Night haunted houses, all because the idiot maitre d’ had hurt Cheerilee’s pride...the unicorn couldn’t help but think he’d make an excellent son-in-law.

As has been proven many times in the town’s past, news of the previous night’s chaos was already widespread and the hot topic of the following morning. Mayor Mare couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty when she groggily read the morning edition of the Ponyville Express with her breakfast of cheese viennoiserie and coffee.

Local Teacher Accidentally Destroys Restaurant being the headline, above-the-fold story was bad enough. She was grateful at the article writer – one Namby Pamby – clearly having gone out of her way to make the article as unbiased as possible, some points even trying to defend the troubled teacher from blame by focusing on the ample evidence she’d been set up by a paid-off employee, though to most ponies it would still leave the hanging question of “Why would anypony pay off the maitre d' to ruin a couple’s fancy dinner date?”

Not even remotely in question when you know who won’t let old grudges die, thought May, deeply sighing. The worst part of it all, however, was what was not in the article: the aftermath.

“Did Cheeri ever have something even remotely this embarrassing happen when you and her still went to school?” asked May’s breakfast guest. Silver Sutures had been waiting on her doorstep with the morning paper when the Mayor had dragged herself to the front door as she usually did for the Sunday paper.

“Hard to say,” confessed the pink-haired pony. As the older brother of her best friend, May considered Silver one of the few ponies around whom she could comfortably skip her disguise around. “She had a few bad dates in college, but if it was because she just couldn’t find a guy she could connect enough with, or because she obviously isn’t a filly who has a new stallionfriend every few weeks, I couldn’t tell you. All I have for comparing how bad her latest escapade in the romance scene might be is what she did when she got home.”

Silver sighed. “When Mom got to her house, Cheer…it couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes between her getting there and mom catching up, but….” It was clearly hard on Silver, May noted, which immediately told her whatever happened involved booze. But when May started to get up to comfort Silver, he gestured her to sit. “I appreciate it, May, I really do, but….” he took a deep breath to steel himself before going over the edge. “Four. Not even half an hour and my sister had already drained four bottles of hard cider. Mom had to rip the fifth out of Cheerilee’s hooves. By the time everypony else got there, it was obvious my sister was dangerously drunk. She was hiccupping while snoring, something I can’t wrap my brain around happening without breaking some law of nature, but she…I don’t know if she’s going to recover from this. And all because of Celestiadamned Breakfast Club and her cronies, too!”

“They’re tenured, so I can’t even suggest having them fired, not to mention the fact we can’t prove anything, either,” groaned May.

“I don’t even know why they hate my sister so much!” The stress from everything crashing down around his sister, May noted, was having it own ravaging effect on Silver. No doubt the rest of his family was struggling to stay level headed much in the same conditions. “After seeing Cheeri nearly destroy herself the first time she got turned into a pegasus to the point I shudder to think of what would have happened had Dusty and I not happened to just pop by for a visit and been there to support her, but now? It’s the same thing happening again except she’s already gotten to the point of crawling into those damn bottles!” At that point he finally broke down, weeping into his hooves. “My sister’s turning into a drunk and there’s nothing anypony can do about it now!”

Oddly, May realized Silver hadn’t mentioned possibly the most important pony in the equation. “Silver…I know this is rough, but….” she got up and nuzzled him, silently becoming the thing whose fur coat was soaking up his tears. “There, there, let it all out, but Silver…”

Sniffling, the disheveled doctor, wiped his eyes and looked up to May. “Yeah?”

“I need you to tell me what Big Mac did.”

Almost immediately, Silver’s eyes hardened in anger. “That two-timing bastard? Sure, he came along with the rest of us to see my sister a drunken wreck, but do you know what he did? He just took one look and then suddenly ran off back to his farm! I can’t even believe the audacity of him trying to woo my sister and then right when she needs him, he up and-“

“Cheeri was as drunk as a skunk trapped in a barrel of century-old wine. You think it would have been a good idea for her to be in that state and then see the stallion she probably thinks hates her guts right now, the one she thinks she humiliated in public?”

The unicorn blinked, spending a moment to process, then realized May was right. “Y-yeah, you have a point, but still, why did he run off like that, without even telling anypony?”

A sly smile came to the Mayor’s muzzle, but before she could say anything, there was a knock at the door. Her expression quickly turned to that of horror as her hair wasn’t dyed gray and she had no time to do it. Or, at least until Silver worked a little magic and turned her hair gray in the blink of an eye. With a look of gratitude, the Mayor went to answer her door.

“Good morning, Mayor,” greeted Breakfast Club, the smile on her own muzzle holding no warmth. Behind her, the pale red and gray pony cohorts of Club’s held similar ricti.

“It is, isn’t it?” answered the Mayor with equal lack of warmth. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“There’s some…business that my colleagues and I need your help with, if you would be so kind?” asked the trio’s ringleader, her tone implying that whatever “business” was afoot, it was neither anything that bode well for anypony nor was she going to divulge any details. It was obvious to May that they intended her to be the messenger for whatever nightmare they’d planned next for poor Cheerilee, but where they almost certainly figured their prey was still weak from the previous evening, May knew their undoing would be the unaccounted role of her beau.

“Certainly, give me five minutes to finish my breakfast and I’ll be with you shortly.” The sudden cheeriness of her voice and outright eager acceptance caught the three unicorns off guard, followed by the mayor slamming the door to her house in their faces and subsequently cackling evilly.

“May, what’s going on?” asked Silver, half concerned for what new hell awaited his troubled sister, and half concerned over what May still hadn’t told him.

“Oh, you’ll see,” replied the tan mare with a sly smile. “I know if I hadn’t suggested Cheeri being a pegasus again, none of this would have happened, but if Big Mac’s up to what I think he’s up to, then everything is going to turn out fine.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Silver, I never would have even suggested she do something as stupid as being a physical therapist substitute to the point she would need to become a pegasus herself, just to get Rainbow back in the air, if I hadn’t put complete faith in my best friend from the start. But while she’s done the impossible many times already, she’s only a pony and can’t do everything herself. She needs somepony who will be there to give her that support when she needs it, since obviously as much as you, your parents, and Dusty want to fill that role, you can’t always be there.

“But Big Mac? He’s always ready to support those he cares for and what I think Cheerilee realizes that most ponies never even get an idea of is that Big Mac’s preference for actions to speak louder than words makes him far more capable than most ponies give him credit for. Being tied to a house could not stop him when he was madly in love with her the first time, what makes you think he’s incapable of helping her get out of this drunken stupor when the only alcohol she drinks is the stuff his family is the sole producer of?”

Several hours earlier…

Apple Bloom groggily descended the stairs, her sleep rudely interrupted by the loud clattering of pans and sheet metal instruments being repeatedly thrown into each other.

“Wh-what in tarnation is going on?” she asked nopony in particular as she half walked, half stumbled into the family kitchen. Her eyes widened at what she saw.

For whatever reason, her brother was wearing both a tuxedo and copious amounts of food on top of the tuxedo as well as his head. Evidently not bothered by pasta and creamy sauce still dripping down his face, he had commandeered the entire kitchen, with several pans going at once and what appeared to be the old Apple Family distillery assembled on the kitchen table.

“Ah better not be findin’ this to be you tryin’ to get your cutie mark in midnight snackin’ again, Bloomie…” came the voice of Applejack, woken up for much the same reason as well as being flabbergasted as to what exactly was going on in the kitchen. “Mac, why are ya wearing-“

“The date went south, my dear sister,” came a Trottingham accent from what looked like Big Mac’s mouth as he quickly whisked something in a pot he’d brought to boil. “Long story short: it was sabotaged, my lovely date thinks she’s humiliated both her and myself, that fancy restaurant place is half-ruined after I broke a table which also happens to be the reason why I’m coated in what had been our dinner orders, and Cheerilee…” he glanced over to his sisters, noting that telling Apple Bloom that her teacher had turned into a depressive alcoholic would simply not do. “Well, she’s not in the best of places right now and so I must help her.” He’d switched to his faked accent purely to screw with their heads, the only application he could think of having any use for virtually having become fluent in a second language.

“Who the hell are you and where the hell is my grandson?” came the voice of Granny Smith, who had somehow perfectly navigated her way down from the upstairs to the kitchen without having taken off her sleeping mask. When she did, though, one look was all she needed before what was going on was made crystal clear. “Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah, Granny?”

“Git mah big rollin’ pin.”

“Huh?”

“Ah know ya heard me clearly the first time!” When Granny Smith got stern, the younger Apples knew not to ask questions and do as they were told. Once Apple Bloom as off getting the giant rolling pin from the barn, Granny turned to Applejack. “And Applejack, when Bloomie gets back, Ah need ya both to go milk the cows. Two buckets.”

“Milk the cows?!” retorted Applejack, “it’s practically midnight, the fact Ah don’t know what this is all about aside, I’m sure the cows won’t-“

“Tell the cows we need to get somepony out of the bottle, they’ll understand.”

“Ok, fine,” surrendered Applejack. “Berry Punch overdone it again?”

“Don’t tell Bloomie, because Ah suspect her teacher is currently drunker than your father was when he proposed to your mother. What we’re doin’ here? We’re makin’ wake up juice.”

“Swift, you need to get going!” reminded Dusty to her mother-in-law. “I can handle things by myself until Silver gets back, but you’re needed at your job! You heard the messenger pony!”

“I know, I know!” fretted the pegasus. “But I need to help Cheeri, too, and I just don’t know what-“

“Swift!” shouted the daughter-in-law, snapping the pegasus out of her panic. “Silver will be back soon. Don’t forget the last time Cheerilee was like this; Silver and I knocked some sense back into Cheeri. I know you don’t feel comfortable about leaving her side, but you don’t have to worry about leaving her in good hooves. We just need to keep her away from the booze for a while until she gets over what happened.”

“Yes, you’re right, I suppose,” conceded the elder pony, before taking Dusty into a tearful hug. “I can’t tell you how much your presence here has helped, this whole ‘turn Cheeri into a pegasus’ nonsense has just run ramshod all over our lives and I should have believed Cheerilee when that glue prank was attributed to those harridelles she has to call her peers.”

“Hey, we teachers gotta stick together…at least, the ones who aren’t perpetually shoving their heads up their butts, right?” Whatever was going to be said next was cut off when there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it, chances are it’s probably Silver.”

Indeed it was, complete with a worried expression on his face. “Those three teachers showed up when I was talking to May, no doubt they’re up to something because they wanted her to do something.”

“May?” asked Swift as she walked into the room. “Why would they need May? Sure, she’s the mayor, but the only difference that role has from a lesser public servant is things she has enough clout to outright refuse doing.”

“Because they’re trying to send a message: They want Cheeri to know something bad is about to come down.” Silver didn’t mention the vague hinting on May’s part about what Big Mac being some kind of ace-in-the-hole, not knowing much, if anything, about it anyway.

“Well, just…make sure your sister is away from the alcohol,” sighed Swift. “I’m just glad she doesn’t need to do that therapy with you and Rainbow today, she needs rest.”

“Like always,” added Silver, before hugging his mother. “We’ll keep her dry, don’t worry. You go save lives, Mom.” Swift nodded and without further ado took off to her work station. When his mother disappeared behind some clouds, Silver just shook his head. “So, Dad’s helping the local guards figure out what the hell actually happened last night, Mom’s off to work, Rainbow’s in Canterlot for the rest of the day, and now it’s just the two of us back having to deal with my sister’s latest self-derived hell.”

“You forgot the part where now we know this house is loaded down with secret booze vaults,” dryly added Dusty, who walked over to where Cheerilee was beginning to stir again. Almost instinctively, her hoof reached out for one of the unopened cider bottles she’d left out from the night before and nopony had bothered hiding away. She was about to pop it open, but had it immediately snatched out of her hoof by Dusty.

“Cheeri,” started the sister-in-law with concern, “you’re burning through these bottles like how you described that rumor you’d heard about Rarity guzzling down entire gallons of ice cream whenever she’s particularly distraught.”

“That’s not a rumor!” angrily retorted the semi-drunk schoolteacher. “Nopony imagined that mountain of emptied ice cream containers half the size of her house, and that’s in the wake of everything else she screwed up around town!”

“Really? Based on your letters, she tends to get melodramatic so much, I’d think she’d be buying ice cream by the cartload at that rate. Though, given what she looks like, I have to assume that she’s somehow burning off all that fat from the ice cream through crying at such an absurd level, the physical exertion being some form of physical exercise that allows her to retain her lithe figure.”

“You don’t seriously believe that, do you, hon?” flatly questioned Silver. “Because as the only pony in this room with actual medical training, I can assure you that there is no way Rarity could cry hard enough to replace physical exercise. She’d need to be crying for an entire week straight just to put a dent in the fat she eats from just one gallon!”

Dusty thought about her husband’s words before replying. “But then…would she be using the ice cream as some sort of special source of magical power?”

Cheerilee – now calmer – nodded thoughtfully. “That would sort of explain, on the heritage level, why Sweetie Belle has taken to all those ice cream milkshakes ever since her magic finally started developing….”

Silver facehoofed. “Are we really about to have a discussion about how unicorns apparently get magical power from ice cream headaches?

Dusty shrugged. “Well, to be fair, sweetie, you yourself are a unicorn and so your enlarged forehead is directly connected to your brain, which is where headaches happen, right?

Silver’s other hoof joined the first in a double facehoof, the magnitude of ridiculousness making him sit down. “Oh my Celestia, we are having this discussion. Okay, since everypony is in agreement that I would know how magic works on the most basic level because I am a unicorn, I am certain that any idea of a misnamed phenomenon involving the cerebrum and my inner magical nexus implies a connection that does not exis-“

“That actually would explain a lot about what I’ve seen when it comes to the most powerful magic users” said Cheerilee, cutting her brother off. “It’s no secret Princess Celestia tends to be an absolute glutton around cake of all kinds. What if she needs to eat all the cake in order to have enough power to keep raising the sun? Same with Princess Luna, though in her case it’s overcaffinated coffee, and with Princess Cadence…well, she takes after her great-to-the-nth-power aunt in a shared love of cake, too. And Princess Twilight? You both have seen how she wolfs down those giant hayburgers, maybe now that she’s ascended she needs to power herself with grease? Or maybe even cholesterol?”

Suddenly, Dusty found the bottle of apple cider she was still holding snatched away by Silver. “Okay, here’s what I’m going to do,” he said matter-of-factly, popping the top off the bottle with his magic. “I’m going to go outside and drink this, in the hopes it will help me forget I even listened to my sister suggest the most powerful ponies in the country run off of the worst possible things for ponies to eat massive amounts of.”

“Well, actually…” began Dusty, a slight blush coming to her face. “I also heard rumors that Prince Consort Shining Armor has a really bad fixation for tofu corndogs, especially those soaked in hayonnaise-“

“LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” said the flustered nutritionist, who immediately made good on his word to leave the building, the floating bottle of booze following.

“Well,” smirked Dusty, “guess I have a new weapon to tease him with.” The immediate sound of sobbing killed the small touch of good humor, though, as Dusty turned to see Cheerilee bawling her eyes out again. The married teacher just sighed, it was going to be a long afternoon.

Big Mac hadn’t slept in over 24 hours at this point, but he didn’t care. It had taken all night to prep the magic elixir from the old Apple Family recipe for “wake up juice” or, more simply put, the ultimate anti-hangover cure. Because when your family is the biggest locally owned and producer of a popular apple-based alcoholic beverage, having a well-tested formula to treat any passed out, heavy drinkers during cider season was a must.

In fact, the only thing that had stopped him from taking the first full bottle of the potion was Granny’s insistence that he at least bother to show up looking like he had some self respect for his image. Which amounted to a heavy, 15 minute shower and then carefully removing the heavily ruined tuxedo as he was sure Rarity would want it back if only because she could use its remains to make a new set for her next fashion line. Big Mac doubted he’d ever need a tuxedo again, unless…

Easy there, boy he chided himself, don’t want to go rushing off to the altar like last time. It’s already not looking good that anything made by an Apple apparently makes her crazy. If anything, he felt like he was going to collapse at any moment, but after seeing the state Cheerilee had drunk herself into, he had to keep going.

After what seemed to have taken an eternity, Mac reached town and made a beeline for Cheerilee’s house, made easier by Silver standing outside for whatever reason and naturally, drinking apple cider as well.

“Ah only have enough fer one of ya!” he declared as he started to slow down, lest he brake too late and demolish the front wall of Cheerilee’s house. “And Ah thought doctors weren’t supposed to drink?”

“Huh?” Silver lowered the bottle and looked for the source of the words. “Big Mac?”

The large stallion skidded to a halt right in front of the unicorn. “Where is she?’

Silver shook his head. “Mac, I don’t know what you think you’re doing here, but considering my sister’s current state I don’t think seeing you wi-”

Before the doctor could react, he suddenly found his face almost touching a giant red forehead with green eyes looking down at him like telescopes. “Ah know yer a doctor and her brother, an’ Ah respect that, but unless you know a way to get her to stop bein’ drunk in the next five minutes, Ah’d like to prove to Cheerilee she doesn’t need to hurt herself like this all on account of last night.”

Intimidated, Silver’s brain was scrambling to recover as he involuntarily backed up to let the earth pony through. He also noted that on Mac’s back was a bottle delivery saddlebag, except there was only one bottle in it, with a reddish-brown mixture inside of it.

Mac hadn’t gone farther than one step before he heard the weeping.

“He doesn’t even want to look at me anymore!” wailed the distraught pseudo-pegasus, sniffling and blowing her muzzle on a nearly depleted box of tissues. “I’m just one large walking disaster!”

“No, you’re not,” reassured Dusty, who looked like she’d been talking in endless circles and getting nowhere. Neither mare had noticed Mac, who let the duo play out their little routine for about five more minutes before clearing his throat to announce his presence.

“EEEP!” Squealed Cheerilee, horrified at what she thought was her heaping more disrespect toward the stallion. “OhCelestiayou’reherewhyareyouhereI’msosorryIdon’tknowwhathappenedohImustlooklikeatotal-MNHPH!”

As he had intended to the previous night, Big Mac now succeeded in reaching over and plugging Cheerilee’s mouth with his hoof. “Cheerilee, yer stressed, yer still in the middle of the hangover, and yer thinkin’ last night only happened ‘cause you somehow decided yer food looked better on me than on yer actual plate. Before anypony does anythin’ else, Ah want you to do exactly as Ah say, got that?”

Cheerilee nodded.

“Alright, now…” Big Mac reached back for the bottle. “Ah want you to drink all of this, Ah spent all night makin’ it ‘cause Ah knew when Ah saw yer...appreciation of mah family’s cider, you were gonna need a fixer-upper. Then, after you’ve drunk this, we’re gonna settle everythin’, alright?”

Big Mac’s hoof left her muzzle, but she was too stunned to manage to say anything except “A-alright.” Cautiously, she removed the lid to the bottle and almost gagged from the smell.

“Oh, jeez!” exclaimed Dusty, backing away and covering her nostrils with a hoof. “That’s nasty!”

The hungover mare would have agreed, but said nothing. Instead, she looked into Big Mac’s eyes, where she found nothing but an almost pleading look for her to trust him. Gulping, Cheerilee moved quickly and put the bottle’s opening to her mouth. It tasted just as bad as it smelled, but she dared not stop even though it was bad enough to illicit tears. Somehow, she managed to drain the whole bottle, slamming it onto the table top.

Almost immediately, she went cross-eyed and keeled over onto her side.

“You... you killed her!” accused Dusty, horrified at the twitching corpse of her sister in law.

“Funny, Ah’m still standin’, and Ah drunk a whole bottle of that same batch,” replied Big Mac, “Ah wouldn’t make her take anythin’ Ah wasn’t perfectly willin’ to take mahself.”

“But...why are you putting yourself through more pain for my sake?” asked the implausibly-now-awake Cheerilee, who in the span of several seconds was acting as if she’d never taken a swig of alcohol in her life. “That was horrible!”

“Cheerilee, Ah…” Big Mac took a deep breath. “Last night? That weren’t your fault, ‘parently you were slipped a fork ‘n knife that weren’t meant for handlin’ though Ah must admit Ah actually found it kind of amusin’ how you managed to make all yer food only land on me.”

“Oh, I made us look like utter fools, didn’t I?” groaned Cheerilee.

“Ah’m sorry, the only one who looked foolish was me. Do Ah really look like Ah belong in a tuxedo and speakin’ like somepony Ah’m not? Ah thought you were the prettiest damn thing in the whole restaurant and Ah woulda punched somepony who disagreed. In fact, Ah did actually punch the gelding who done framed you.”

“Oh, you’re just trying to be nice,” said Cheerilee with a fierce blush.

“Why shoudln’t Ah be nice to the mare Ah want to be mah special somepony?” Cheerilee immediately was about to protest, but only ended up with Mac’s hoof keeping her muzzle shut again. “Please, just let me get this off mah chest. Ah don’t know if it’s ‘cause o’ whatever that potion mah sister and her friends spiked into our drinks way back when that made us think we were madly in love, and the last thing Ah wanna do is go through all that nonsense again, but Ah’d be a fool not to recognize how much Ah like you. Sure, we still do the flirtin’ and the teasin’ everytime we pass each other while in town, simply assumin’ it’s that magic liquor crap lingerin’ in our bloodstream. But it’s been more than enough time for that stuff to finally wear off, over a year at least, so the fact what Ah felt under its effects are still around now when they should have vamoosed already only makes it more clear to me why Ah find you so special.”

Cheerilee blushed furiously, but her eyes never broke contact, one pair of emerald eyes locked with the other. “B-but…how? After last night-“

A big, red hoof suddenly moved to gently place itself on the mare’s muzzle. “Last night weren’t yer fault, it was one o’ the staff. ‘Perently your fanclub paid him off t’ make everypony think what went wrong was all ‘cause of you. ‘T be perfectly honest, Ah never shoulda let Rarity rope me into agreein’ to try bein’ fancy like that.”

“Wait, the whole dinner affair was her idea? Like, I knew she was heavily involved, but from start to finish it was really all her all along?”

Big Mac nodded. “Yeah, she sorta figured out Ah was takin’ a shine to ya and made the whole date try to follow what she thought was romantic. Ah don’t know how AJ can stand bein’ so formal for things like that, wearin’ fancy clothes and being so-fis-ti-cahted isn’t what Ah’m supposed t’be.”

At that, Cheerilee had to raise an eyebrow. Everypony in town was well aware that where Applejack was stubborn enough to put the mule stereotype to shame, Big Mac’s ability to be stubborn was the textbook definition of the proverbial immovable object or irresistible force, depending on the situation. “Then…why did you even go through with it? You’ve made it clear that you’ve been aware of the romantic tensions between us ever since the love poison incident, but that should also mean you were aware I wasn’t desperate to see you in a handsome tuxedo.”

Now it was Big Mac’s turn to blush, visibly not as bright as the one still on Cheerilee’s face, but given his dark red coat it was obvious how deep his blush went for it even to be seen that brightly. “Well, it’s just that…Ah’m not sure that Ah’m really the kind of pony somepony like you deserves to be with.”

Cheerilee was shocked. “I don’t deserve…what?!” She quickly reared to her hind legs, fore legs outstretched perfectly perpendicular to her torso. “Just look at me, Big Macintosh, I’m a small time teacher who has hidden caches of high proof alcohol hidden all over this house which I’m probably still drunk off of, I’m underpaid for doing the work of an entire school faculty in a dead-end job, I publicly embarrassed both of us last night, and I’m an emotional wreck because one of my regular students probably still hates me and I was sure that you did as well but you’re here now and…and…“ Sniffling, she returned to a normal pony posture and looked up at the stallion with teary eyes. “You’re Big Macintosh, half the reason your family’s farm is still in business is because you’re able to do so much to support it and your family. No stallion in town can come close to having your kind of strength both physically and morally, since you probably could push mountains like greased carts but are still the kindest stallion I’ve ever met. And your sister is Applejack, putting you only two steps away in association to a princess which makes you virtually a celebrity in your own right! No, you’re not the pony I deserve to be with, because you deserve better than me.”

Normally, Big Mac was not a very talkative pony simply because he rarely had a lot to say. After hearing Cheerilee, however, he was truly at a loss for words at time he knew he needed them. Or rather, he did have them, but he was massively unsure in his ability to express them properly. But Ah already tried to change how she sees me, he thought, and that just ended up in causin’ her pain. She did say that just bein’ who Ah am somehow makes me out of her league, so even if Ah do botch this, she needs to know what Ah see that she just takes for granted.

Taking a deep breath, Big Mac knew this was possibly the biggest risk in his life. “Ah really can’t say if you’re right or wrong about that, Cheerilee. Everythin’ you said are things Ah just do naturally, ‘cept the movin’ mountains bit since Ah know Ah’m not that strong. But that’s where Ah see the beginnin’ of all the reasons why Ah don’t see how somepony like you could like me.”

“I…I don’t understand…”

The stoic stallion smirked, a most uncharacteristic expression for him. “Ah’m strong, sure, but that’s all Ah can do. If it ain’t physical labor, Ah’m useless. Everypony knows mah parents died when Ah was just a colt, but somehow nopony connects the dots to figure that also means Ah had to help Granny run the farm full time, even with some relatives. Ah’m good enough with numbers to keep the farm afloat but…Ah was pulled outta school in sixth grade and Ah never went back.”

The teacher was stunned. “You…never even finished elementary school?”

Big Mac nodded. “Ah was unlucky enough that mandatory public education hadn’t been fully enforced until a few years after Ah was needed on the farm. Ah’d tried to keep up on mah learnin’ in mah free time, but Ah had t’ give up that path as Ah just couldn’t teach mahself, wasn’t what Ah was meant to do. Nopony’s noticed Ah’m probably dumber than a diamond dog, no need for whatever calculus is supposed to be for when all anypony really expects of me is raw strength and to harvest food.

“That’s why Ah just can’t understand yer habit of overlookin’ how special you are, Cheerilee. For you, learnin’ and teachin’ and bein’ plain ol smart is your place in life. You’re probably the second smartest pony in town, next to Twilight Sparkle of course but she…she’s not you. The princess doesn’t have your gift of bein’ able to know things and then explain them easily enough for somepony as dumb as Ah am to start to understand as well. Heck, even she knows that, which is why you’ve got wings to teach Rainbow Dash how to fly again and why Dash’s best friend isn’t. Which leads to why Ah think Ah’m in love with you.

“There has not been anything Ah’ve not seen you put up against that, no matter how difficult the task is or unteachable a subject, you will allow yourself to fail as a teacher to meet that need. You never let anypony under your tutelage down on any fault of your own, to the point you overwork yourself so much that you end up with a house fulla alcohol to drown your sorrows in. You do so much for your students that you don’t even acknowledge you’ve pushed yourself so hard again and again past the breakin’ point, to where you don’t value why you’re able to keep doin’ this but you still do it. That, in mah opinion, is a job far harder than movin’ mountains or simply watchin’ plants grow. It’s enough to make anypony mad in the head, but even with no end in sight you just charge right into that insanity with a smile and a personality that brightens anypony else’s day. How could Ah think that somepony with so many appealin’ qualities, with a character as strong as yours, would want some simple, uneducated workhorse like me who does nothin’ but say ‘eeyup’ and ‘nope’ all day?”

The silence and tension in the air was thick, so much that Dusty had backed out of the room to give the two ponies some space. As they gazed into each other’s eyes, they slowly started to drift forward toward the inevitable. Then, right when their muzzles were almost touching…

...the moment was utterly ruined by a panicked Mayor slamming the door open. Spooked, Cheerilee ended up launching forward and, had Big Mac not been twice her size and weigh about a ton, would have tackled him to the ground. Instead, he just caught her and brought her into a tight hug, which was enough for both of them. For now.

After a few moments, Dusty came back in after deeming the coast was clear, noticing the Mayor having realized what she’d jumped into and clearly trying to patiently wait for the proper moment to speak. The whole cliche’ kissing sequence having been ruined, Dusty figured she might as well grease the wheels to get things going again. “So, May, is it? What apocalypse is threatening Ponyville this week?”

“It’s those three troublemaking teachers,” stated the Mayor, whose existence was finally recognized by the ponies still in the middle of the room. “They’ve...somehow convinced the council to hold a flying race, Cheerilee against them.”

“Now, Ah may not know the first thing about fancy flyin’” replied Big Mac, “but Ah think somepony needs wings to fly, which none of those three have last Ah checked.”

“Last you checked indeed,” repeated May, who then stepped aside to reveal Twilight Sparkle, who had an equally dour face.

“Twilight?” Cheerilee blurted. If the princess was involved, it wasn’t going to be pretty. “What’s going on?”

“I...may have lent Breakfast Club the spellbook containing that glimmer wing spell I cast on Rarity a few years back to give her wings.” Twilight gave an apologetic, sheepish grin. “I’d forgotten about that spell entirely and she claimed the book was for research purposes.”

“They’ve also convinced the council that this stupid race should be held tomorrow,” added May. “A district wide day off from school because Club managed to spin the affair to sound like it would be good for pushing next year’s education budget by turning the education system into Wonderbolt wannabes. And I’m betting they’ve got something also planned to make the whole Rainbow Dash therapy thing go south, too.”

Cheerilee could only sigh. “Like I needed more reason to hate Mondays.”

Chapter 11 - "Through Trial's Fire"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 11 – “Through Trial’s Fire”

Failing Grade reread the section in Glittering Glory's Guidebook to Gallant and Guileless Grand Greatness in Geomancy and every successive read through just made her mind recoil more and more.

“Celestia on her throne, Club, this is the spell you want us all to use?!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, Grade,” sighed an exasperated Breakfast Club for what felt like the thousandth time. “I tell you once more, this spell is infamously difficult even for ponies who have the magic strength to pull it off, but we can-“

“Have you looked at this?!” Grade shoved the ancient writings of mystical scribbles into Club’s face. “This involves contiguous runic intertwining, you idiot! Who in their fu-“

“Hey!” interjected Tough Love, who was getting a little sick of Grade’s hysterics. “If you’re going to cuss up a storm, at least for my sake be a bit more original than just swears, ok?”

Grade glared at Love, but rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she acquiesced. “But Club, what you’re asking is going to require a level of magic so powerful that it would take the three of us and Princess Luna achieving a higher plane of existence through screwing her entire lunar guard – the stallions and the mares – simultaneously with the three of us as well, and all that tantric energy converted into magic energy with a zero energy loss coefficient, and that would barely be enough to sufficiently leave us able to have magic tomorrow!”

Club merely smirked. “I’m aware of that, just not in less…soiling Princess Luna in sacred ways…but we can easily still do it with the three of us. The loss of magic for a week is a small price to pay to shame Cheerilee out of town.”

Grade was aghast. “You would have us all suffer Corneal Expendive Burnout?!” For unicorns, they could pull out significantly more from their inner magic pool, a remnant of primitive survival instincts, but doing so would make their horn inflamed and sensitive. A state that left them unable to use any magic and generally was described as having the monthly inconvenience only less messy and attached to the forehead instead of under the drapes. It also lasted on average about a week, so it was rare a unicorn ever needed to burn that much magic in one go, rarer still if it wasn’t a life-or-death situation.

Club furrowed her brow. “We’ve gotten this far already, so don’t you dare bug out now!”

“Look, I’m all for putting Cheerilee and her new birdbrain out of business, but this is going to backfire horribly! Even if you’re right and the three of us burning our entire collective magic pools to get wings, we’re going to be extremely irritable and for all we know, that could end up backfiring on us and she gets the win while we’re bickering even more than we are now!”

“High risk, high reward, just like poker,” replied Club with a shrug.

Love, noting the heating tensions, opted to make an alternative suggestion. “Y’know, there might be a better way to go about all this. What if we just pool our normal magic, which should be enough to give just one of us wings.”

“And reduce the odds of winning down to fifty-fifty odds?” Club scowled. “I’m not giving that haridelle a furlong of slack: she’s wormed her way out of anything we’ve thrown at her in the past if given the tiniest opening! We can’t-“

“I didn’t say that,” impishly grinned Love. “I say that the one pony who gets the wings is you, Club, since you clearly have far more personal interest in destroying your all-time nemesis than either Grade or myself and so would get the most out of being the winner of this idiotic race. But she’s going to be off her game thanks to that incident you had staged Saturday night, so during the race it would be ea-“

Club raised a hoof to silence her colleague. “In any other circumstance, I would agree with you on that, Toughie. But one of the risks is that Princess Twilight is going to be around for this and she’ll know if we try to pull a fast one by sabotaging Cheerilee. As much as it pains me, this needs to be cheating-free, with the three of us against the one of her in order to stack the deck as much as possible. And yes, while I would like to be the winner overall, the entire point of this was to humiliate Cheerilee to the point she can’t show her face in this town again, and I care more about that than I do about winning first place!”

Grade sighed in defeat. “Well, when you put it like that, we really don’t have a choice then, do we?” She lit up her horn with a pink aura. Nodding in agreement, Tough Love lit up her bright auburn aura.

Levitating the spellbook in her own light gray aura, Club grinned. “Well, time is fleeting, so better get this party started now, huh?” From the trio’s horns, colorful beams of magic radiated out and met at an equidistant point; the spellbook that now hovered between them. Defying the nature of color mixing, the three sources of magic blended into a metallic blue, which then radiated back out in three streams and rapidly encircled the three unicorns. “Let’s show Cheerilee once and for all she doesn’t have what it takes to do a unicorn’s job!”

“Rainbow!” hollered Scootaloo. “Rainbow!”

Groggily, the spectrum-maned pegasus stirred. “Ungh…two more hours, Mom…”

“RAINBOW!” This time, Scoot had gotten onto Rainbow’s bed and was bouncing up and down.

“Ngh, fine…” Dash forced herself to sit up, lifting a foreleg to shield her eyes from the bright sun coming in through the hotel room window. She didn’t remember asking for a farmer’s wake-up the previous evening…but she didn’t remember what day it was, either.

“Rainbow, we gotta go!” The attachment of an orange filly to her foreleg and subsequently trying to drag her off the bed did little to budge the notoriously sleepyheaded pegasus. “We gotta get back to Ponyville or Mom’s gonna kill us both!”

“B-but Mom’s in Cloudsdale, not…” Dash’s eyes bolted wide open as her head got back into working order. After the Derby, Spitfire had found Rainbow again and explained that while she was in Canterlot at the same time as the Wonderbolts before the latter broke up for a week’s leave break, she wanted to have the Wonderbolts’ official physical therapist give her a look-over to ensure she was going to be ready to be an active reservist again. They’d agreed on a quick check-up for Dash the next day, which gradually turned into a full day of Dash and Scootaloo hanging out with Spitfire’s team when Dash wasn’t being put through her paces or flirting with Soarin’. Naturally she’d gotten teasing flak from everypony – Scoot included – but at the same time it allowed Scoot to feel like she was getting true VIP treatment with the ‘Bolts when Rainbow wasn’t around. By the end of the epic day, Rainbow had been sure her little sister was so over the moon it would require Princess Luna’s help to get her down.

But amidst all the fervor, they’d forgotten they also were supposed to have been back in Ponyville by Sunday evening. It was now Monday morning, and while Rainbow was sure she could patch things up with Scoot’s parents (it hadn’t been like Rainbow had up and left their only filly alone without parental supervision the whole time), she had a feeling Cheerilee would be less than enthused at Rainbow skipping class without prior notification.

“Oh, jeez, forget your mom killing us, Ms. Cheerilee is going to skin us alive!” Unconsciously, Rainbow launched herself into the air and was hovering a foot off the bed. Scoot didn’t mention anything, but was secretly overjoyed at this latest sign of progress, the further implication that things would return to normal very soon.

Or at least that was the thought at first. Rainbow, in a dead panic now, landed without even thinking about it and threw open the hotel door to go get tickets for the first train back to Ponyville, but was stopped by the sight of the newspaper. Instead of being like normal newspapers left in front of hotel room doors, this one had already been opened with an arrow drawn on an inside page, pointing to a specific article. If Rainbow was already addled in the head from what she thought was going to happen, just glancing at this tabloid news sent it into overdrive.

“Flight Race in Ponyville between local feuding teachers?! And Cheerilee didn’t tell me about this!?”

“I hate politics,” groaned Twilight, a freshly-vomited-by-Spike letter hovering near her head in a magenta-hued aura.

“What’s the matter?” asked Cheerilee. After a full day of resting after Big Mac’s big save of her constitution and at the insistence of Silver, Cheerilee had gone to the library first thing Monday morning to try and help the alicorn locate any notes she might have made about the artificial wing spell that Club and her cohorts were almost certainly going to use to get the edge on Cheerilee. “You’re a princess, so while I’m not saying you should abuse your position as a virtual demigoddess that everypony worships to get this dumb race mandate lifted… I’m asking you to abuse your position as a virtual demigoddess that everypony worships to get this dumb race mandate lifted.”

Twilight shook her head. “Unfortunately, in an effort to prevent any nobles from doing the same, the provincial outline of Ponyville’s charter explicitly makes the first priority for questioning all matters involving the actions of the town council be a power invested in the mayor – not applicable in this case since even though the mayor voted against it she was overruled by majority vote – and then it can only be escalated by a member of nobility through sending a letter of request to the council to alter or undo the motion.”

“Okay, and…?”

The purple princess sighed. “This letter – which is far too informal for somepony working in a public office to be writing to me about this matter – is reminding me that the council has twenty-four hours to do a recount vote and either agree or disagree to follow my request as of when I made it. By the time a full day has passed and I’m allowed to exercise my authority…”

“…the race already would have happened.” Cheerilee facehoofed. “Seriously, how did those three convince those idiots on the council that this race was somehow good for the town?”

“Charity,” flatly replied Twilight. “The whole thing is going to be spun as some kind of public awareness support drive, with the raised money being put into the next semester’s budget divisions that is split proportionally between the four schools. It goes without saying that there might be a slight bias in favor of the teachers who place better than the others in terms of where the extra money goes.”

Cheerilee nickered. “Go figure they’re trying to make this something I have to absolutely win, if that’s the case. Ponyville Elementary is in bad need of a restorative overhaul.”

Twilight cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Really? The place always looks pretty sturdy whenever I visit it.”

The teacher shook her head. “Just because it’s one of the oldest buildings in town and one of the few that has never had to be rebuilt – the parasprites gave it a wide berth for whatever reason – doesn’t mean the years have been kind to it. That is after all partly the reason why there are some ponies who want it taken out of service, no point in maintaining an aging structure when the max capacity is only twelve students and one teacher.”

“Cheerilee, Ponyville Elementary isn’t going to be left to rot, don’t put that burden on your back because you think only you can save it.” Twilight then grinned impishly, “Plus, once this is all over, I can look into having the building declared a historical landmark, which will allow for annual grants and other line items to come from the Royal Historical Chancellery.”

“Twilight, you don’t…” began Cheerilee, before letting her brain catch up and really think about what the situation was. Too many times she’d let herself speak ahead of her brain and thus get herself worked up to fits of hysteria. The events of the past weekend were potent reminders of that. “Alright, I see what you are saying, but don’t think I’m not going to push myself to win this anyway.”

“But why?” asked Twilight. “There is nothing you-“

“Stop right there,” interrupted the pseudo-pegasus, raising a hoof. “This isn’t about me; in truth it never fully was about me at all, I just ended up making it seem like that because I’m a naturally over-emotional wreck. This race? Club and her cronies are trying to prove that the solution to Rainbow not learning how to fly wasn’t best solved by turning me back into a pegasus and having to give a crash course both to Rainbow and myself on how to leave the ground. Not when that stupid Glitter Wing spell existed the whole time.

“If they beat me such that they are clearly better flyers, losing my credibility in this town is the least of my concerns. Anypony even remotely associated with me is going to be ostracized by the community – my friendship with may would spell the end of her political career, my students would be looked down upon for having the most incompetent teacher in town, and I’d bet even you would suffer in some degree, Twilight.”

“Me? But how? All I did was give you wings! Well, sort of, at least.”

“That’s just it: Because you were the one who enabled me to be a pegasus again, Discord-required intervention or not, you also pulled off the Glitter Wing spell, so if everything goes to pot, ponies are going to question why you didn’t use the book that has been in this library the whole time instead of making me a pegasus outright. And saying you forgot is not going to be a popular answer.”

Cheerilee took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know I’m doing exactly what I shouldn’t be by outlining in detail everything that’s going to go wrong if I fail, but…but this time, failure isn’t an option. Cheesy as it sounds, those three haridelles have simply gone too far. When they went after me time and time again, the only one who had to deal with their shit was me so I avoided having to bring others into those messes. But whether or not they even realize it, this time they’re going after not just me but ponies I care for simply to ensure whatever trouble they cause will impact me no matter what. And it’s all because I was given a pair of wings.”

Twilight chuckled. “Yeah, trust me, I know exactly what that’s like.”

“What do you mean the train is late?!” shouted an irate Rainbow Dash.

The stationmaster seemed unimpressed. “There was a rockslide on the tracks coming into Canterlot from the northeast on the Saddleseat Pass. It’s prevented the train in question from leaving Fillydelphia Station as the pass is notoriously hard to reach and there isn’t a direct route around it. I apologize, but the fact is I don’t know when the train will be arriving as this disaster has thrown the entire rail network from here to Fillydelphia out of whack, could even be days before that train actually gets here.”

Rainbow’s jaw was only prevented from reaching the ground by virtue of it still being connected to the rest of her skull. “Of course it could be days…well, thanks anyway, I guess.” She turned and trotted over to meet with Scootaloo on the station bench.

“Bad news?” rhetorically asked the filly, having overheard the entire conversation.

“We’re not getting back by train, that’s for sure.” With a huff, Rainbow hopped up onto the bench next to Scoot. “I know Doctor Silver would talk my ears off if I tried to just fly us back since I’m not supposed to be ready for that just yet, but short of a royal chariot hauling all our stuff back, we’re tied to these steamer trunks.”

“Let me guess: my mom?”

“Your trunk is full of bedding material, since somehow your mom refused to believe our hotel room came with cloudbed mattresses. Because it makes perfect sense that a free hotel room given to a Wonderbolt Reservist for a Wonderbolts event wouldn’t accommodate for the fact I’m a pegasus.”

“Maybe she was assuming the second bed in the room wasn’t a cloudbed?” suggested Scoot. “After all, you are Rainbow Dash, your circle of friends are among the most well-known ponies alive in the country. And three of them aren’t winged, so it would be sort of embarrassing if Pinkie, Applejack, or Rarity tried to sleep on a cloudbed and felt only springs since I’m pretty sure clouds work differently for other ponies than for pegasi like us, right?”

Rainbow put a hoof to her chin in deep thought. “That is a good point, Scoot.”

Scootaloo laughed. “Now if only Ms. Cheerilee’s classes were that easy!”

“Yeah, or the question of how we’re going to get back to Ponyville on time.” Suddenly, it dawned on Dash. “Of course!”

“Of course…what?” asked Scoot.

“Just wait here for a moment, ok? We might be able to work this out yet!” Hurriedly, Rainbow dashed off to what looked like an everyday patrol of guardponies.

It was high noon in the town of Ponyville, but nopony was all that interested in having lunch as they usually did on Mondays at that time. Instead, the entire populace of Ponyville was evenly spread across the settlement with their eyes looking up to the sky, waiting for the spectacle to begin.

At the agreed upon starting line, which happened to be Ponyville Elementary, the crowd was no less sparse and only held back by guardponies from the local garrison. Within the clearing were few ponies aside from the racers themselves, but already the two unequal camps were separated by a mutually observed no-pony’s land.

On one side was Breakfast Club, Tough Love, and Failing Grade. Upon their backs were identical pairs of butterfly wings, blocks of reddish-pink, cyan, light green, and orange-gold nestled in thin wing frames of a semi-transparent lilac hue.

On the other was Team Cheerilee. Consisting of the teacher herself and the support crew that was her family, Twilight, May, and somehow the rallied student body of Ponyville Elementary sans the absent Scootaloo. Whatever Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle had done to get all their fellow classmates, including their usual archnemesis duo of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, into a cheering mob with a crude-but-endearing banner of support was beyond Cheerilee’s comprehension, but it was touching nonetheless.

However, she was growing ever more concerned as to why Big Mac was absent. True, he hadn’t actually said he was going to be there, for all she knew, Mac was stuck doing farm work to keep his family fed so he couldn’t avoid doing that. All the same, the fact they’d pretty much finally became each other’s true special someponies just the day prior made his absence that much more pronounced.

“He’ll be here, Cheeri,” reassured her father. “He moved heaven and earth for nothing but the assurance of your well being. And you know as well as I do that he’s here in spirit, whatever his story is right now.”

“Thanks, Dad,” she replied, a small blush on her cheeks. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she thought she caught Club giving her a momentary, nasty glare. All that did was make Cheerilee smile a bit more, as she knew what any of those three unicorn changeling-wannabes were just dying to shout in her face as insults or whatever to get under her skin. But the presence of the schoolfoals meant any such behavior would only make the trio look bad and thus undermine everything they’d wanted through this silly “charity derby” they’d managed to set up.

“Alright, racers to the starting line!” declared Twilight, her station of royalty automatically putting her in charge of starting the competition. “You four already know the course; simple five lap race that starts here and goes to Lakeside Elementary, then from there you will turn and cross over Town Hall to reach Whitetail. Then to Forest Edge Elementary, followed by crossing over Town Hall again to back here to finish the lap. The first of you to complete five circuits and cross the finish line will be the winner.” She then narrowed her eyes at the three butterfly winged unicorns. “And if there is anything that happens during this race that can be attributed to cheating, not that I suspect any of you would stoop that low to win a fundraising event, you will be immediately disqualified. Everypony in agreement?” The four winged ponies nodded in confirmation. “Alright then, on your marks…”

As if choreographed, the four all assumed prone running stances, which immediately proved to be the first warning sign for Cheerilee’s enemies. They hadn’t remembered she had a physical education degree, which evidently required knowing how to prepare for a sprint like a professional athlete. Something they hadn’t thought to do.

“Get set…”

As the things she’d had to memorize to later regurgitate in the hopes Rainbow would learn them all flowed back into her head, Cheerilee remembered to adjust her wings to tuck into her body tightly. Almost immediately she could sense the quizzical looks from her competitors and probably some of the onlookers, but she didn’t break focus.

“GO!” Twilight fired a beam of magic into the air, which after a split second exploded with a loud retort.

At first, it seemed like Cheerilee was at a disadvantage as she was simply running forward while her opponents had instantly taken flight. Then, after a short distance where it looked like she wasn’t going to take off, Cheerilee flared her wings out just enough to catch the updraft she’d made by running forward. Her form effortlessly lifted off the ground, gaining height as she continued to unfurl her wings, reaching full length when she simply glided past the stunned unicorns.

“Teaching the fastest flyer in Equestria works both ways!” she taunted with a grin before finally flapping her wings to maintain her speed and position in the race. Pity Rainbow wasn’t here to see me use one of the tricks I picked up from her, mused the mulberry mare, because then after all this I could have had her explain to everypony what I learned from her.

The sound of the magical retort was heard all over town, especially Sweet Apple Acres.

“Granny, what are ya doin’?” asked Applejack, worry laced in her voice. She found herself in the unusual position of having to speak on Big Mac’s behalf, as even though he usually was a stallion of small words, he tended to totally clam up when he got worked up over something. And right now that “something” was not being there to support Cheerilee because Granny wanted him to have some unspecified object with him.

“Ah’m tryin’ t’ hurry in findin’ the blasted thing!” came back the muffled answer, the elderly Apple half-submerged in the master bedroom’s closet that was inexplicably full of oddball things.

“The race is gonna be over at this rate by the time you find whatever it is you’re tryin’ t’ find!” Applejack couldn’t help but wonder if there was some kind of portal linking Granny Smith’s closet of junk to Pinkie Pie’s scalp, given the kinds of things the hyperactive pony could pull out of her cotton candy hairdo. AJ wished Pinkie was here now, truthfully, since at least then Pinkie could pull out the mystery item without even looking where she stuck her hoof.

“FOUND IT!” declared Granny, stepping back in victory and holding her prize. It was the slightly beat-up megaphone from when Sweet Apple Acres had hosted the Sisterhooves Social events.

“What am Ah supposed t’ do with that?” asked Big Mac.

“Y’ shout in it!” flatly declared Granny as she shoved it into her grandson’s hooves. “And Ah know you’ll thank me later when you know the time t’ use it. Now get goin’, yer special somepony needs ya!”

Big Mac needed no more incentive to take leave of his grandmother’s oddities. If nothing else, he figured, at least the megaphone would make sure Cheerilee heard his voice. He didn’t give anything else Granny had said much more thought.

Two laps later, things were still close, Cheerilee having worked hard to maintain her lead but it had gradually eroded away, the three glitter winged unicorns hot on her tail.

“Give it up!” taunted Tough Love. “The sooner you do, the sooner this will be all over!”

Just ignore her internally noted Cheerilee.

“You shoulda stuck to gardening!” added Failing Grade. “At least you can’t royally screw up sticking things in the dirt!”

Keep ignoring…

“You think winning is going to change anything?” shouted Breakfast Club. “You’ll still be a washed up teacher who nopony will see as anything but the reject left running the most decrepit building in town!”

Cheerilee said nothing but pushed herself even harder as she took the turn above Whitetail Elementary.

“Club, I don’t think it’s working!” said Grade

“Au contraire,” smugly replied Club. “She’s exerting herself too hard now just to beat us. Forget finishing last, she’s spending so much energy in trying to flap her feathers that she might not even make it to the end!”

“It looks like they’ve already started!” called back the pegasus guard. Somehow, by sheer convenience, one of the pegasi at the train station who Rainbow had approached had been the same pegasus who had brought Silver and Dusty from Manehatten to Ponyville. A two-minute conversation later and he’d agreed to let Rainbow abuse her standing with the crown and comendeer his chariot such that he’d take both of them to Ponyville as fast as he could, with his companion handling the luggage.

“That “bang” we heard earlier must have been the starting pistol or something,” hypothesized Rainbow, “but they’re still so far off, it’s hard to tell what’s going on!”

“We’re not going to get there for another fifteen minutes,” the guard replied, “I’m not able to go any faster without risking the chariot becoming unstable.”

“What are we gonna do?” asked Scootaloo, who had a feeling in her gut that somehow, her angry accusations from a few days ago would play a part in hurting Ms. Cheerilee even more.

Rainbow gritted her teeth, looking around, then suddenly down below the chariot. A gleam in her eye signaled to Scootaloo that she had an idea. The spectrum-maned mare then turned to the guard. “Is it safe if Scoot and I jumped off right now?”

“Do what now?” exclaimed the guard out of surprise. “I mean, yes, it’s safe enough at this height, but I thought you were still in therapy because you couldn’t fly?”

Rainbow flashed a signature smirk. “Then I guess my therapy is over.” Without warning, she lunged toward the back of the chariot, wrapping Scoot in her forelegs, then dived straight down off the back of the airborne cart.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed Scoot, unused to the ground approaching her that fast from that angle, but gradually she calmed down when she saw Rainbow’s face. The blue pegasus wore a mask of determination, of assurance, of getting her adrenaline addiction filled after weeks of denial. She flared her wings out fully, whereupon Scoot thought she saw faint white outlines start to close in on the two pegasi.

“Wh-what are you doing?!” wailed Scoot, partly out of fear but also partly out of anticipation. When Rainbow Dash got this fast, things got exponentially more awesome.

“Getting my ‘Most Awesome Pegasus in All of Equestria!’ card back,” grinned Rainbow. Then Dash adjusted her gaze forward to the rapidly approaching ground. Her grin widened slightly as she felt the airflow on her wingtips act in a way that she hadn’t experienced for what felt like eternity but at the same time was as familiar as breathing.

It was time to make all that therapy stuff pay off.

By the end of the third lap, things had changed dramatically. Now trailing, it was all Cheerilee could do to simply keep pace and hope to finish. She could only figure that there was something to those magical wings from the Glitter Wing spell that didn’t burn their user’s stamina, at least not as fast as real wings did. Had that been their plan all along? She worried, trying to put the thoughts of having been beaten before the race even began out of her head. But try as she might to do that while remaining focused on staying airborne, her sensitive self-esteem started to crack under pressure once again. After all, even after proving the dinner incident had done nothing to deter Big Mac’s feelings for her, he remained unaccounted for in every crowd search that she did for him. Rainbow and Scoot were still missing as well even though they were supposed to have been back the previous day, were they too ashamed of knowing she was going to inevitably fail that they couldn’t even come back to town? That maybe in the end, Club had been right and-

No! Cheerilee screamed within her head. She’s been trying to wreck my life all these years, only stepping it up so much because she knows she isn’t as good a teacher as me. She needed to use a book to give her flight abilities, she didn’t do any of the work I had to do, and she isn’t trying to help anypony! Gritting her teeth, Cheerilee pushed even harder and found her workload becoming slightly easier to bear. Shouldn’t be a surprise, she realized, even if I was turned into a pegasus, I’m still innately an earth pony, too, and earth ponies have the most stamina of all three tribes!

Suddenly, a thunderous CRACK tore through the sky, catching everypony’s attention, and as Cheerilee dogged behind her rivals around the last turn to end the lap, what she saw could have brought tears to her eyes if she had the chance to do so. It was a considerable distance away from Ponyville, but the full spectrum radiating out from a single point was unmistakably a Sonic Rainboom, with the rapidly approaching streak of rainbow hues not possibly being anypony other than Rainbow.

Crossing what had to be several kilometers in a time span of seconds, the rainbow streak seemed to be trying to cross paths with Cheerilee, but overshot and couldn’t manage more than an overhead pass. But bizarrely, what should have been Rainbow Dash instead seemed to cry out “I’M SORRY MS CHERILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“ in the voice of Scootaloo of all ponies. Maybe Rainbow was holding the filly in her forelegs? It was the only possible way, but that train of thought left Cheerilee’s head relatively quickly upon what she saw next.

There, having somehow gotten his way on top of Town Hall, was an exhausted Big Mac holding a megaphone. “COME ON, SUGARCUBE!” he virtually screamed into the cone, “AH BELIEVE IN YA!”

A tear finally escaping her eye, only to quickly be seized by the rushing air past her face, Cheerilee knew she could finally put all her worries to rest. She’d already succeeded as far as she cared, nothing Club, Love, or Grade did could make anypony think otherwise, but if Cheerilee was sure of anything else, it was that the three ponies in front of her needed a taste of their own medicine.

“What just happened?!” cried out Tough Love to her compatriots. Grade just shrugged, unsure of what to make of the situation.

Club, however, was nearing boiling point. Everything was coming undone at the worst possible moment. She didn’t have time to tell Grade and Love they were idiots for not knowing that a Sonic Rainboom had just occurred – meaning Rainbow Dash was now back at her full flight abilities – but that the inexplicable presence of Big Mac in a place where he didn’t belong with a megaphone meant they’d been wrong about the success of the diner sabotage the whole time as it seemed to have done the opposite by bringing Mac and Cheerilee together. She didn’t even know what all the screaming behind her was about, but given the theme of the other two occurrences, it wasn’t hard to guess they’d not contributed to Cheerilee’s humiliation.

Glancing over her shoulder, the piece of chalk that broke the blackboard’s back was seeing Cheerilee having been reinvigorated and rapidly coming up to take the lead. With half the final lap to go, there was plenty of time for her to pass them and claim victory. Once again, Cheerilee was somehow going to defy what was expected, what was supposed to be mandated by natural law, and prove superior to her unicorn betters.

Club, fully consumed with rage, decided enough was enough and played her secret trump card. Earlier, when she had united her magic with the other two unicorns, she’d actually fudged the spell in the book with an illusion cantrip to seem like it would require more magic than it really needed for three simultaneous castings. But by not telling Grade or Love, they had ended up burning out their magic but Club merely pretended to have suffered the same effects. In reality, she still had enough magic for one strong spell to make Cheerilee “accidently” spiral out of control, and with everything having gone against her plans, it was the only thing she could think of doing.

“Go back to dirt where you belong!” she screeched, firing off a magic blast right at Cheerilee. The speeds involved ensured a direct hit…but to everypony’s shock the obvious didn’t happen. To Club, the spell she thought – correctly – was a slowing spell that should have at least made Cheerilee move at the pace of a snail. However, as was the case with every single unknown factor she’d failed to account for that day, Club’s plans were undone by the fact Cheerilee’s matched set of wings were courtesy of Discord. As a precaution, Discord had opted to weave a little countermagic into the wings he’d given Cheerilee this time but didn’t mention it to either her or Twilight. This secret failsafe was to prevent anything that would inhibit Cheerilee’s use of her wings from affecting her, instead applying the opposite effect.

Thus, Club was at a loss when her slowing spell only ended up making Cheerilee exponentially faster. In fact, right as Cheerilee got right next to Club and the others, she even hit mach speed, the resulting sonic boom propelling her forward at insane speed and leaving a three-tone-pink streak in her wake, a similarly colored radial aura expanding from the point of hitting mach speed. The “Sonic Cheerboom” also momentarily ignited the area around Cheerilee – the same area Club, Love, and Grade were in – from air friction to reach a temperature similar to direct exposure to the sun. Thus, by the time the three unicorns were able to comprehend they’d lost their wings somehow, they found themselves crashing into the roof of Forest Edge Elementary, leaving the barely-in-control Cheerilee to complete the final lap in under ten seconds…and unable to slow down to avoid plowing headfirst into the ground after crossing the finish.

The world slowly started to reform around Cheerilee, who was sure that she hadn’t gotten dangerously drunk again, regardless of what her throbbing head insisted.

“Cheeri? Cheerilee!” exclaimed a voice Cheerilee recognized, but couldn’t put a name or face to just yet. But when she suddenly found herself lifted out of the Cheerilee-sized rut in the ground next to Ponyville Elementary, that question was answered for her. As was her next course of action.

For his part, Big Mac was not expecting Cheerilee to shove her muzzle into deeply kissing his, but he sure wasn’t adverse to it.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” immediately went the entire Ponyville Elementary student body. All except one, that is, as Scootaloo charged forward with worry on her face.

“Ms. Cheerilee!” she exclaimed, though she was too busy looking at the ground while panting heavily. Rainbow was quickly by Scoot, chuckling.

“She’s alright, Scoot,” she said, before leaning in to whisper, “I think it was your apology that helped the most.”

“Actually, I’d say it was that sudden burst of speed from nowhere that did it,” corrected Twilight, who quickly gave an apologetic cringe when met with a patronizing look from Rainbow. “Seriously, where did that come from?”

Cheerilee took that as her cue to disengage muzzles and answer. “I honestly don’t know, all I remember is Breakfast Club suddenly looking behind her and firing some kind of spell at me. Probably trying to make it look like I was cheating somehow, but…” the teacher then giggled. “I’m not Rainbow Dash, am I?”

“Yeah,” grumbled Rainbow under her breath, “because you have a coltfriend now and I don’t.”

Chapter 12 - "Elements of a Good Cheer(ilee)"

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Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 12 – “Elements of a Good Cheer(ilee)”

Freedom.

The freedom to move in any direction at the slightest thought.

Oh Celestia how Rainbow had missed the simple, unbound glory of just soaring through the air, without resistance beyond what little was put up by the air to hopelessly block her from speeding into the wide blue yonder! Sure, it wasn’t precisely like it used to be, there was that super tiny detail that was forever, irreversibly altered from the moment that lightning bolt had struck Dash. But the only time she ever cared about the small details was when she was subconsciously watching the ground while flying. She would get used to whatever tiny thing it was that had changed in time, at which point she’d forget what was different at all.

“Hey, keep up your altitude!” hollered out Soarin’, waking Dash from her moment of self-introspective in time to sharply gain height such that she avoided colliding with a tree. The cerulean stallion quickly caught up to his female counterpart once she leveled out. “You may be flying again, Dash, but you sure haven’t improved your ability to pay attention!”

“Hey, I got you paying attention to me, no?” She giggled, before zooming off. With a mischievous grin, Soarin’ bolted right after her.

From the ground, Rainbow’s former flight therapist gazed up in satisfaction.

“Feels weird to be back on the ground, watching her fly around after being up there with her for so long, doesn’t it?” said Silver, who along with his wife Dusty were once again with Cheerilee in case their own services were needed, but only as a precaution.

After the eventful teacher flight-off and its suspenseful final lap, Rainbow had proven that she was fully capable of being back on the active shortlist of the Wonderbolts Reservists. To be fully cleared, however, she needed to be put through a strenuous multi-day battery of flight tests to ensure she was truly back in action, as administered by an active-duty member of the Wonderbolts. To nopony’s surprise, Soarin’ literally volunteered before the question was even asked of him, as it was clear to everypony there was a spark between him and Rainbow.

Of course, with Soarin’ around to help Rainbow on the final steps to recovery, there was no need for her team of therapists to collectively make up for the lack of one real physical trainer. Indeed, in the aftermath of the flying race Cheerilee had won against Breakfast Club, Tough Love, and Failing Grade, the council suddenly had found themselves under pressure by Cheerilee, Mayor Mare, and Twilight Sparkle to not only pay Cheerilee for her services as Rainbow’s trainer but give her a significant pay raise for her position as the one-mare faculty of Ponyville Elementary. It wasn’t as much as the collective sums of an entire faculty, but it was still significantly more money being paid than before and ensured Cheerilee would not be leaving the Ponyville school system anytime soon.

The same, however, could not be said of the three unicorns who had gone to such insane lengths to bring her down, all on account of old school rivalries. Cheerilee sighed as the memory of Club’s “justification” of her behavior came forward:

When Cheerilee and friends finally got to Riverview Elementary to see what had happened to the other three teachers, it was not a pretty sight. The hole in the side of the main building was significant enough that the whole upper floor possibly would need to be closed off such that repairs could be made over the summer in time for the fall semester. It had been very fortunate that it was a day off of summer school or else there would be a much higher count of injured ponies, possibly even worse. As it was, there were only three ponies being escorted by guardsponies who had gotten to the scene first.

“What happened to their wings?” asked Dusty, confused.

“When Cheerilee spontaneously hit mach speed, she must have caused enough heat from the air friction to disintegrate their magic wings” explained Twilight. Dusty looked over at the princess with a skeptical look, to which the alicorn could only shrug. “Hey, that’s what happened to Rarity’s wings all those years ago when she flew too close to the sun, only difference in her case that it was direct heat from sunlight.”

“So the spell’s that unstable?” Dusty asked.

Twilight shook her head. “No, it’s fairly stable, if you don’t apply large amounts of heat to it. It’s not like it requires volcanic levels of heat to undo glimmer-type enchantments, after all.”

“Probably because the wings are more for show and not true high flying,” theorized Silver. “After all, natural pegasi use most of their innate magic to fly as conventional physics proves ponies would need wings over twice their body size just to fly. Those magic butterfly wings put more into getting the pony off the ground than in the density of the wings themselves.”

“Cheerilee, how on earth did you manage staying sane with your brother in the house?” asked Dusty, facehoofing.

“I’d tell you, but since you’re married to him, it would ruin the fun of you figuring that out,” winked Cheerilee. Any more small talk was cut off when Club finally noticed Cheerilee was present and within shouting distance.

“This isn’t over, you good-for-nothing excuse of a pony!” she screeched, held back from simply attacking Cheerilee outright by the guardponies flanking her.

“Ok, enough of this,” nickered Twilight, who then walked over toward the raging unicorn. “Breakfast Club, as you have aimed to do nothing but continuously interfere with Ms. Cheerilee’s ability to help rehabilitate Rainbow Dash, I want to know why your actions to hurt at least two ponies who I am very good friends.”

“You want to know why I’ve gone to all this trouble, princess?" CIub snarled, having passed the threshold where she had she been slightly more sane it would have been obvious being snappy to the local alicorn ruler was only going to make things worse. Ignoring the horrified looks on Grade’s and Love’s faces, Club fully intended to give a piece of her mind on the matter: “It’s because I hate her with every breath of my being! I can't catalog the number of reasons I hate that Faustdamn mudpony, but if for nothing else she has no right to thinking she’s as smart as the unicorn she is not! She has been a fucking thorn in my side since the first day I saw her, and if that mudpony knew her place, maybe - just maybe - she would be tolerable!"

“What?!” Now it was Cheerilee’s turn to be outraged, boldly charging forward to get up and personal with her eternal nemesis. “You mean to tell me you’ve been trying to ruin my life for decades because of nothing more than simple tribalism? Because of the simple fact you want to prove you’re somehow better than me?”

Club snorted, as if tiny cartoon puffs of air came out of her nostrils. “I wouldn’t expect somepony like you to understand that there are three separate pony races for a reason. Especially not one who doesn’t respect the social class she’s bor-“

“You actually think anypony gives a damn about that anymore?” interrupted the purple schoolmarm. “I don’t know what’s worse: the fact you are the only pony who does or the fact I used to think almost the same thing! But if nothing else, having been turned into a pegasus twice has only served to remind me that ultimately it doesn’t matter what kind of pony you are born as, only who you are as an individual.

“So yeah, I may not be able to move things around with my mind or other things I normally need my hooves for, and I may not be anything more than the lone teacher at Ponyville Elementary, but you know what?”

Club never broke her glare into Cheerilee’s green eyes. “What?”

“At least I don’t need to be somepony who has never grown up from being a school bully.” Suddenly, Cheerilee grinned. “Though at the same time, if it hadn’t been for you trying to get my date wrecked, things wouldn’t have turned out they way they have. So, if anything, I have that much to thank you for.”

Club moved her head back a bit in shock. “E-excuse me? What on earth are you thanking me for doing?”

“This.” With nothing further to say, Cheerilee turned and trotted away in confidence. To Club’s further shock, she saw her life’s greatest enemy stride right up to the suddenly present Big Mac, kissing him on the lips chastely before turning back around to face Club, only now with Big Mac’s foreleg draped around the back of her neck.

Club looked on in shock, but that didn’t last long as a shadow suddenly covered her face. That shadow belonged to one literally royally-irate princess. She fanned her wings open, both for effect and to increase the surprisingly menacing look.

“While we’re at it,” Princess Twilight Sparkle said to her humiliated subject, “let’s discuss a little thing you just committed called lese majeste.”

“Helloooo, you there Cheeri?” asked Big Mac, waving a hoof in front of her face.

“Huh, wha?” quipped the educator, blinking as her mind snapped back to reality. “Sorry, uh, I zoned out there.”

“I’ll say,” chuckled Silver. “Soarin’ and Rainbow left for her place five minutes ago. Dusty says she can already hear the wedding bells in their wake.”

“Ah ya sure she was hearin’ weddin’ bells and not…” Big Mac didn’t finish his sentence, instead smiling and waving his forehoof in circles.

“I should smack you for that,” laughed Cheerilee, who chose to kiss her stallionfriend on the cheek instead. In turn, Big Mac simply ran his foreleg down his marefriend’s wingless back.

“Sure was nice of Discord to take yer wings off,” idly commented Big Mac, “though Ah’m guessin’ he was in a really good mood fer some reason?”

“Well…” replied Cheerilee with a wink, “let’s just say the go-to chaos spirit in all the world needs assistance sometimes.”

“C’mon!” hollered out an exhausted Failing Grade. “Salvation is only five hundred feet away!”

“I…I think we can make it!” added Tough Love.

“Oh Celestia my back!” cried Breakfast Club, dragging herself by her forehooves to the maze exit. Of all the cruel punishments that could have been leveled on her and her co-conspirators, it would have been enough to not only suspend them from teaching for a full year, but revoke their tenure and force them to go through whatever retraining they would need to be allowed to teach again.

But naturally, that hadn’t been the end of it: On top of all that, it was determined that they also should have to learn to appreciate pony special diversity like Cheerilee had done by temporarily becoming a pegasus. Thus, for the same amount of time that Cheerilee was a pegasus, the three unicorns were to spend their lives as earth ponies, without horns and all their natural magical abilities for a few weeks.

And then to add insult to injury, they were not only joined by none other than Perfect Demeanor who had simply just been fired from his job for effectively causing incalculable amounts of damage in his part played in wrecking Cheerilee’s life, but the quartet collectively were put at the mercy of Discord as his proverbial lab rats, their sentence period to be spent testing out his Nightmare Night maze prototypes.

The ultimate punishment, however, was the fact Perfect Demeanor ability to perfectly hide his emotions was only surface-deep. They hadn’t even passed the first real jump scare before he passed out in pure fear and thus forced Club to carry the deadweight pony on her back through the entire maze...or else they’d be teleported back to the maze beginning, twenty miles back, and forced to start over

As the three pseudo-ex unicorns and the dead-to-the-world stallion dragged their bodies over the threshold of the maze’s exit, they found a draconequus clad in a spotless white lab coat, comically taped –together-bridged spectacles, and a clipboard he was jotting notes on.

“Honestly, you can’t even handle hauling him around?” chided Discord. “Back when I subjected the then-regular Twilight and friends to one of my mazes, I made Rarity think some random boulder that happened to be in the gardens at the time was a diamond as large as Princess Celestia. Both she and Twilight – the latter knowing it was a rock the whole time, I might add – hauled “Tom” around and combined those two whined less than you! And Tom weighs four times as much as that prissy prissy pony!”

“Do…you have…any…idea…how heavy…this jerk is?” grunted Club, unceremoniously dumping Demeanor off her back as she struggled to her hooves.

“About a quarter of a ton, not all that different from the average weight of a pony,” nonchalantly answered Discord, who finished writing on his clipboard and flipped it around so that his notes were visible to the ponies in all their mockery-of-fine-art doodled glory. “Anyway, other than your disappointing weight bearing capacity, you all did fairly well so I think a break for the rest of the day is called for.”

“OH THANK CELESTIA!” cried out Grade, Tough Love merely nodding as she was too tired to answer.

“I wouldn’t be so hasty about that giving of thanks,” cryptically commented Discord. He then snapped his fingers, a flash of light changing everything around both him and the ponies. When their blindness faded away, the ponies saw they were now seated in Canterlot University’s lecture auditorium. Specifically the front row.

“Unh…somepony get the license on that mailpony?” asked the now-stirring Perfect Demeanor.

“You mean that weird, apple-shaped cart thing with wolf-ponies in it?” sarcastically answered Club. “Oh, you also owe me that thousand bits back for having to haul your sorry plot through that maze.”

“Mouths shut, eyes forward!” interrupted Discord’s voice, now coming from a slightly older looking brown unicorn. “Now, as you need to be retaught how to be good teachers, during your, ahem, ‘sabbatical’, I figured it would be a good time to brush up on your lecture skills. Fortunately, a good friend of mine directed me to a very bright university student who is working on her masters in geology. So, I’ve invited her here to give a lecture as she would love the practice and the glowing feedback from experienced teachers such as yourselves.”

“Sure…” cautiously commented Tough Love, “and just who is this pony, exactly?”

Discord grinned widely – which immediately put everypony on edge as it had just the tiniest bit of chaotic insanity to it that couldn’t mean anything good was in store. “Ladies and gentlepony, it is my greatest pleasure to introduce…Ms. Maud Pie!”

On cue, a slate-gray earth pony dressed in a eggplant-hued dress walked in from one of the stage doors, her violet mane and tail done up in straight, no-nonsense lengths. “Hello, everypony, I am Maud Pie, and I appreciate you being here to help me practice my thesis for my rocktorate.”

Perfect Demeanor knew exactly what was in store and wished he was still out like a light. “What kind of a monster are you?!” he wailed, pointing an accusatory hoof at Discord.

“Oh, I wish I could take credit for this one, but…” He then snapped his hoof – the fact snapping a hoof was physically impossible – and in a flash Fluttershy was now beside him. “You know what they say about the quiet ones.”

The four entrapped ponies looked among each other in disbelief. “You…you can’t be serious!” laughed Club, her guffaws hollow as she hoped this was all a bluff.

“Oh, I’m as serious as you were trying to hurt Cheerilee,” flatly said the chiffon-haired pegasus. “Because apparently you didn’t even care how that was going to impact Rainbow, who was the only reason Cheerilee had to become a pegasus simply to teach her to fly again. So you were hurting my friend as if she didn’t exist, and if there’s one thing I don’t tolerate, it’s those who hurt my friends.”

A loud ringing then sounded out, prompting Discord to check his watch. As he rolled his sleeves back, a tiny clock tower emerged, strapped to his foreleg and sounding off an entire orchestra’s worth of bells. “Ah, we’re running late for afternoon tea, my dear Fluttershy!” He then looked over to the speechless audience. “I’m sure you’ll all be ready to resume maze testing when tea time is done, won’t you? Ciao!”

Before anypony could respond, Discord and Fluttershy vanished in one last flash of light, leaving the four troublemakers at Maud Pie’s tender mercies.

“Well then, shall we begin?” Asked Maud, before apparently recalling something important. “Actually, before we start, there is something else I need to do first.” She then pulled out a small notepad from her dress. “Perfect Demeanor, is it? My sister Pinkie said you were a huge fan of my poetry, so I wrote one to lead into my thesis presentation. Hope you don’t mind.”

As the most monotone-narrated poetry ever heard by ponykind was read off, Club finally re-evaluated that she had been wrong about earth ponies being inferior. What they lacked in magical feats, they more than made up for with their ability to be completely evil when it came to getting their revenge.

Meanwhile, back in Ponyville that evening, it was anything but torture by poetry at the house owned by Cheerilee’s parents.

“A sponsorship deal?” asked Stronghold, “Really?”

“Yeah, apparently they want me and the girls to appear in some short commercial in front of movie features for an award for Owlolicious - I think they called him a ‘Superb Owl’ or something - or something,” explained Rainbow. “Twilight, in particular, loved the idea.”

“They want the princess in that?” scoffed the older unicorn. “Who exactly is making this request of royalty again?”

Rainbow shrugged. “Some toy company named ‘Hansen Bronies’ though what they have to do with hoofball events is beyond me.”

“I’ve never even heard of those ‘brony’ things their name is based off of,” interjected Swiftsprinter, who had brought over more tofu burgers for her husband to grill up on the backyard cooker. “And ‘Hansen Bronies’ is a bit of a mouthful, why don’t they call themselves ‘Hansbro’ or something easier to say?”

“Because somepony would get their tail tied into knots over it,” suggested Rainbow. “Seriously, these are the kind of ponies who think they can make anypony into an alicorn princess.” The two pegasi mares and unicorn stallion had a good laugh at that.

Cheerilee saw her parents and Rainbow laughing – what they were laughing about she didn’t know, but she didn’t really care, either. She was just happy, closing her eyes and breathing deep.

“Feels like forever since we all had a tofu cookout as a family, doesn’t it?” asked Silver, walking up and nuzzling his little sister.

“Well, we haven’t had much occasion to do so since somepony decided they were better than the rest of the family and went off to Manehattan to go save lives or something boring like that.”

“It’s nice to know what you really think about me, sister-in-law,” mock-growled Dusty who strode up alongside her husband. She then dropped her faux-anger as she smiled. “But really, you should turn into a pegasus and have mid-life crises more often.”

“And you want me to repeatedly damage my psyche because…?”

“Then every time Silver and I leave, your parents will have awesome tofu cookouts!” squeed Dusty. “Truly, your dad is a fantastic griller on these tofu burgers and if this is all because we gotta go back to our crappy jobs back in the Big Apple, then we need a reason to come back to Ponyville just to leave and have more parties thrown!”

“Well, sorry ‘ta disappoint,” said Big Mac from behind the trio, “but Ah think Ah’d prefer if mah girl didn’t keep goin’ insane simply so Stronghold has to make more tofu patties.” He then copied Dusty by walking up alongside Cheerilee, feeling her lean into his side almost immediately. Reaching back, he produced four bottles of Sweet Apple Acres cider and passed them out to the others.

“Because it’s been such a good idea for my sister to get wasted,” semi-joked Silver as he popped off the bottle cap. “Because somehow, Sweet Apple Acres has the magical ability to produce alcohol that gives ponies wings.”

“Well, then we might as well get high together!” laughed Cheerilee, as the two couples clinked their bottles together before throwing their heads back and downing their bottles in one go, drinking for a happier, cheerful future for them all.