Chapter 10 - "Take My Booze Away"
Confeatheracy of Dunces
Chapter 10 - "Take My Booze Away"
In the utter chaos that broke out from a crowd of panicked ponies inside the Le Cavilier Epicurien from the sudden collapse of its centerpiece adornment, it was very hard for anypony who knew better and keep cool to figure out what actually was going on. Such was the case for Swiftsprinter, who unfortunately had made the mistake of getting up the absolute second she realized what was going wrong with Cheerilee’s sudden lack of cutlery control, as the mad crowd of diners swept her away before she could get to her daughter in time. Resigning herself, she called to mind what military training she’d gotten rubbed off from her husband as while her daughter would be nursing some bitter wounds of the heart tonight, Swift couldn’t allow for this accident to injure any other ponies who had just come for a dinner at a fancy restaurant.
“Where in Tartarus is the manager!?” she demanded after getting the help of one or two other still level-headed ponies to calm the crowds and assure them that, no, the building was not actually going to collapse on top of them. “And where is my husband?!”
“I-I’m the manager,” said a unicorn who had appeared almost like a servant would when summoned by its master, probably because he was obviously kind of timid and was intimidated by her. “Glass Me-Menagerie, at your ser-“
“Look, I shouldn’t be doing your job, ok?” she interrupted, not in the mood for all the formality anymore. “You are the one who represents the restaurant, you should be the one handling the floor and your patronage, got it?”
“Y-yes, m’am!” he replied. There was a fifty-fifty chance that he was going to pass out the moment she turned her back on him, but she didn’t care. After thanking the other ponies who had helped control the crowd, the angry momma bear of a pegasus went to the ruins of the table where her daughter and her date had but minutes ago been dining. From a distance, it was obvious that the silverware given to her daughter was suspiciously different from what Big Mac had gotten, purely on how shiny they reflected the light. Picking up her daughter’s fork, Swift found the utensil surprisingly difficult to move around while maintaining her grip. The knife was the same story. With a sigh, she bundled up Cheerilee’s fork and Big Mac’s fork – which she was entirely unsurprised to find was much easier for her to handle – in the one napkin from the table that wasn’t covered in food. Her husband was going to need to see this.
At the other end of the restaurant, Perfect Demeanor regretted not having read up on Cheerilee’s listed parentage, as had he realized the guardspony veteran he’d seated earlier was in fact her father, he wouldn’t have sabotaged the dinner. But as the large unicorn’s unblinking gaze bore into him, the only thing he could think of as being a worse form of torture was the one time he’d lost a bet and had to listen to a mare named Maud attempt freestyle poetry the last time the town had its poetry slam night competition. At least then he had the excuse of being put to sleep from that mare’s rather impressive unemotional deadpan. The giant horned monster staring daggers into PD’s soul would probably kill him if he even so much as thought of fainting.
And he didn’t even want to think of the trouble coming his way, that he was certain, from the even larger stallion whose date he’d ruined. Big Mac was capable of superequine feats of strength and PD was half convinced the farmer’s tail was strong enough to snap his neck, short as it was.
“So, you gonna tell me why there’s an intel profile on my daughter in your podium?” growled Stronghold, leaning over PD with every bit of his guardspony ambience at the forefront.
“S-sir, are you really going to believe the pony who has pulled more pranks on everypony in this entire town, over me, a stallion who simply works here?” PD tried putting his calm smile back on, but all he managed was a large, nervous cringe.
“Really?” asked Pinkie, suddenly looking all around. “Nopony told me Whoopie Cushion was here!”
“Pinkie, darling,” said Rarity, “I think the brute is referring to you.”
“Me? The best prankster in town?” Pinkie giggled. “I’m good, but not as good as Whoopie. Why else would he run the Ponyville Prank Emporium?”
“Certainly not because he likes plantin’ fake evidence,” suggested Big Mac, who had decided to completely drop the fake accent. A glance from Rarity followed by a nod reassured him he no longer needed to pronounce the full sound of -ing words instead of holding the long n sound. “Which he seems t’ think is givin’ him an excuse by blamin’ you.”
“Yeah, too bad I’m not buying it,” grunted Stronghold, who at this point had already unbagged the envelope and was levitating its contents in front of him while he scanned them. “Sweet Luna, that’s her yearbook photo from high school! And…is this a copy of a school textbook section about the differences between earth ponies and pegasi?” He refocused his sights onto the cowering PD. “There’s easily enough here to prove you’ve either been stalking my daughter or have been trying to hurt her - which you already did.” He then leaned right in the maitre d’s face and added in a subdued voice that sounded all the more dangerous for it, “And that does not make me a very happy stallion.”
Deciding to try cutting his losses, PD had a little more success with his false smile. “So, what, are you trying to make a deal for information out of me?”
“I don’t cut deals. I cut enemies.” Stronghold’s eyes narrowed. “And right now, you fit the profile of one. So if you want to keep your tail and other appendages attached, you will tell us everything and in return I won’t personally beat the snot out of you for what you did to my daughter when I hand the pulp that is your broken body to the authorities.”
PD sighed a note of relief.
That was a trap, as Stronghold proved a second later: “Oh, wait, I misspoke: You will tell us everything and I’ll make sure that when the authorities get you and this evidence, you will not have been personally been used for apple bucking practice after I beat the snot out of you.” A very ladylike throat clearing prompted the fuming father to add with a slightly evil grin: “And I don’t even know what Rarity’s gonna do to you, but I have faith it’s going to make you rue the day you decided to hurt my little filly!”
“Oh, I don’t have to do a single thing, sir,” Rarity said in a sickly sweet tone to Stronghold. “Now, Princess Twilight, on the other hand, who is currently your daughter’s employer, as well as who I am a member of her court….” The white mare casually brushed a dainty hoof against her chest and added, “I understand that she’s also a friend of Cheerilee’s as well. That won’t bode well, either.”
PD sneered. “You can’t prove I had anything to do with what happened to your daughter. She-“ he gestured toward Pinkie “- may not have planted it, but how can you prove it wasn’t somepony else trying to frame me?”
“So, you’re accusing another member of the Princess’ court?” Rarity asked, and PD suddenly gulped. He could accuse Pinkie of theft in front of Princess Twilight with Pinkie holding the stolen goods and the alicorn wouldn’t likely believe him.
“Also, you literally have given it to us in hoofwriting,” said a new voice as Swiftsprinter came into the group. “Rarity, dear, can you compare these forks I have in this napkin? You’re good with the most minute details of fine dining, right?”
“Uh, sure, though I’m not quite clear on where this is going,” said Rarity as she took the napkin from Swift in her magic, then subsequently the two forks from within. Almost immediately she confirmed Swift’s suspicions simply from the look of horror on her face. “Swift, darling,” the alabaster unicorn began, “I presume these were the utensils used by Big Mac and Cheerilee.”
Swift nodded. “I don’t think I need to explain whose was whose to you.”
“Well, given one of these is a regular fork and the other isn’t meant to be handled with hooves but with magic, and…” glancing up, Rarity plucked one of the textbook pages still hovering in the air and skimmed over it. “Aha! Yes, so that’s what happened. Our little troublemaker here had Cheerilee’s silverware swapped with the extra fine cutlery normally reserved for only the highest upper class unicorns, they’re far too smooth for anypony to reliably use their hooves to use like most ponies. And how convenient that this little bit about how earth ponies have a stronger grip with their hooves than unicorns or pegasi is encircled in highlighted yellow ink, and our wounded lovebird is an earth pony temporarily playing the part of a pegasus.”
“And look what I found in the pile of completed order tickets,” added Swift, pulling out the slip of paper with the orders given from Big Mac and Cheerilee. On the bottom was clearly hoofwriting different from the server who had initially written it out, with the initials “P.D.” signing off the “request” to change out Cheerilee’s silverware.
Stronghold was not easily pushed over the edge. He could stew over something at the brink for days at a time, something he’d mastered during his enlisted days. But where terrible conditions of fighting during his service that would break lesser ponies never quite could make him budge an inch, this treachery toward his daughter was an entirely different thing. Except...he didn’t get the chance to act on those feelings as Big Mac beat him to it.
As for PD, the only thing he remembered happening next was a red hoof making contact with his muzzle’s left side and the momentum carrying him to crash onto the floor. Then, he felt the other, presumably red as well, hoof grip around his throat, slowly lifting him up while simultaneously choking him, the eyes of rage burning into him almost at temperatures to ignite spontaneous combustion. If PD had thought the unicorn was terrifying, Cheerilee’s date was effectively a demon from Tartarus itself, Big Mac’s nostils flaring and his teeth barred as he uttered one word.
“WHY.” It was not a question. It was not a request. It was a demand.
Oh, buck this, thought PD as he tried to gulp. Mac didn’t allow it, but when PD’s face turned from its natural coat color to having pronounced bluish accents, the unicorn let him drop. Gasping for breath, PD knew trying to weasel his way out of this was going to get him killed. “Somepony p…paid me off, alright?”
“WHO.”
“I don’t know…some mare sought me out in the…alley in back, gave me…the dossier and a pouch of a thousand bits. Said…she’d pay me another thousand to…ruin her date.”
“What?!” cried out a scandalized Rarity. “Of all the low life, dirty ponies in this town – of which I should mention are very few in number! – never did I think somepony could stoop to such a low as taking money to destroy young love!”
“Well, Rarity, he ain’t exactly fans of either Cheerilee or mahself, we bein’ ponies of much less means an’ all,” pointed out Big Mac. “But he was still paid off, so Ah wanna know who really wanted all of this.” He gestured to the half-destroyed dining area behind him.
“Didn’t…get the name,” piped up the still wheezing PD. “But she was…yellow, maybe dirty mustard coated or something, with some pretentious blue-and-orange mane-do.”
“Oh Celestia and Luna on their thrones,” gasped Swift, realizing with horror what was going on. “After all these years, that bitch Breakfast Club still has it out for Cheerilee!”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Pinkie. “If some meanie is out to get Cheerilee…shouldn’t we be trying to find her before she does something really bad?”
With a speed rivaling Rainbow in top condition, Swift took off from a standing launch and hit subsonic speed right before she would have faceplanted into the restaurant’s brass door. The force of impact bent the door, broke it off its hinges, and sent it spiraling away into a nearby lamppost.
Inside the now slightly more broken restaurant, PD couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. “I never did like that door.”
Stronghold, on the other hoof, was struck by how protective Big Mac had been. The fact he made an utterly ridiculous look of a food-covered stallion in a tuxedo be something out of the scariest Nightmare Night haunted houses, all because the idiot maitre d’ had hurt Cheerilee’s pride...the unicorn couldn’t help but think he’d make an excellent son-in-law.
As has been proven many times in the town’s past, news of the previous night’s chaos was already widespread and the hot topic of the following morning. Mayor Mare couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty when she groggily read the morning edition of the Ponyville Express with her breakfast of cheese viennoiserie and coffee.
Local Teacher Accidentally Destroys Restaurant being the headline, above-the-fold story was bad enough. She was grateful at the article writer – one Namby Pamby – clearly having gone out of her way to make the article as unbiased as possible, some points even trying to defend the troubled teacher from blame by focusing on the ample evidence she’d been set up by a paid-off employee, though to most ponies it would still leave the hanging question of “Why would anypony pay off the maitre d' to ruin a couple’s fancy dinner date?”
Not even remotely in question when you know who won’t let old grudges die, thought May, deeply sighing. The worst part of it all, however, was what was not in the article: the aftermath.
“Did Cheeri ever have something even remotely this embarrassing happen when you and her still went to school?” asked May’s breakfast guest. Silver Sutures had been waiting on her doorstep with the morning paper when the Mayor had dragged herself to the front door as she usually did for the Sunday paper.
“Hard to say,” confessed the pink-haired pony. As the older brother of her best friend, May considered Silver one of the few ponies around whom she could comfortably skip her disguise around. “She had a few bad dates in college, but if it was because she just couldn’t find a guy she could connect enough with, or because she obviously isn’t a filly who has a new stallionfriend every few weeks, I couldn’t tell you. All I have for comparing how bad her latest escapade in the romance scene might be is what she did when she got home.”
Silver sighed. “When Mom got to her house, Cheer…it couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes between her getting there and mom catching up, but….” It was clearly hard on Silver, May noted, which immediately told her whatever happened involved booze. But when May started to get up to comfort Silver, he gestured her to sit. “I appreciate it, May, I really do, but….” he took a deep breath to steel himself before going over the edge. “Four. Not even half an hour and my sister had already drained four bottles of hard cider. Mom had to rip the fifth out of Cheerilee’s hooves. By the time everypony else got there, it was obvious my sister was dangerously drunk. She was hiccupping while snoring, something I can’t wrap my brain around happening without breaking some law of nature, but she…I don’t know if she’s going to recover from this. And all because of Celestiadamned Breakfast Club and her cronies, too!”
“They’re tenured, so I can’t even suggest having them fired, not to mention the fact we can’t prove anything, either,” groaned May.
“I don’t even know why they hate my sister so much!” The stress from everything crashing down around his sister, May noted, was having it own ravaging effect on Silver. No doubt the rest of his family was struggling to stay level headed much in the same conditions. “After seeing Cheeri nearly destroy herself the first time she got turned into a pegasus to the point I shudder to think of what would have happened had Dusty and I not happened to just pop by for a visit and been there to support her, but now? It’s the same thing happening again except she’s already gotten to the point of crawling into those damn bottles!” At that point he finally broke down, weeping into his hooves. “My sister’s turning into a drunk and there’s nothing anypony can do about it now!”
Oddly, May realized Silver hadn’t mentioned possibly the most important pony in the equation. “Silver…I know this is rough, but….” she got up and nuzzled him, silently becoming the thing whose fur coat was soaking up his tears. “There, there, let it all out, but Silver…”
Sniffling, the disheveled doctor, wiped his eyes and looked up to May. “Yeah?”
“I need you to tell me what Big Mac did.”
Almost immediately, Silver’s eyes hardened in anger. “That two-timing bastard? Sure, he came along with the rest of us to see my sister a drunken wreck, but do you know what he did? He just took one look and then suddenly ran off back to his farm! I can’t even believe the audacity of him trying to woo my sister and then right when she needs him, he up and-“
“Cheeri was as drunk as a skunk trapped in a barrel of century-old wine. You think it would have been a good idea for her to be in that state and then see the stallion she probably thinks hates her guts right now, the one she thinks she humiliated in public?”
The unicorn blinked, spending a moment to process, then realized May was right. “Y-yeah, you have a point, but still, why did he run off like that, without even telling anypony?”
A sly smile came to the Mayor’s muzzle, but before she could say anything, there was a knock at the door. Her expression quickly turned to that of horror as her hair wasn’t dyed gray and she had no time to do it. Or, at least until Silver worked a little magic and turned her hair gray in the blink of an eye. With a look of gratitude, the Mayor went to answer her door.
“Good morning, Mayor,” greeted Breakfast Club, the smile on her own muzzle holding no warmth. Behind her, the pale red and gray pony cohorts of Club’s held similar ricti.
“It is, isn’t it?” answered the Mayor with equal lack of warmth. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“There’s some…business that my colleagues and I need your help with, if you would be so kind?” asked the trio’s ringleader, her tone implying that whatever “business” was afoot, it was neither anything that bode well for anypony nor was she going to divulge any details. It was obvious to May that they intended her to be the messenger for whatever nightmare they’d planned next for poor Cheerilee, but where they almost certainly figured their prey was still weak from the previous evening, May knew their undoing would be the unaccounted role of her beau.
“Certainly, give me five minutes to finish my breakfast and I’ll be with you shortly.” The sudden cheeriness of her voice and outright eager acceptance caught the three unicorns off guard, followed by the mayor slamming the door to her house in their faces and subsequently cackling evilly.
“May, what’s going on?” asked Silver, half concerned for what new hell awaited his troubled sister, and half concerned over what May still hadn’t told him.
“Oh, you’ll see,” replied the tan mare with a sly smile. “I know if I hadn’t suggested Cheeri being a pegasus again, none of this would have happened, but if Big Mac’s up to what I think he’s up to, then everything is going to turn out fine.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Silver, I never would have even suggested she do something as stupid as being a physical therapist substitute to the point she would need to become a pegasus herself, just to get Rainbow back in the air, if I hadn’t put complete faith in my best friend from the start. But while she’s done the impossible many times already, she’s only a pony and can’t do everything herself. She needs somepony who will be there to give her that support when she needs it, since obviously as much as you, your parents, and Dusty want to fill that role, you can’t always be there.
“But Big Mac? He’s always ready to support those he cares for and what I think Cheerilee realizes that most ponies never even get an idea of is that Big Mac’s preference for actions to speak louder than words makes him far more capable than most ponies give him credit for. Being tied to a house could not stop him when he was madly in love with her the first time, what makes you think he’s incapable of helping her get out of this drunken stupor when the only alcohol she drinks is the stuff his family is the sole producer of?”
Several hours earlier…
Apple Bloom groggily descended the stairs, her sleep rudely interrupted by the loud clattering of pans and sheet metal instruments being repeatedly thrown into each other.
“Wh-what in tarnation is going on?” she asked nopony in particular as she half walked, half stumbled into the family kitchen. Her eyes widened at what she saw.
For whatever reason, her brother was wearing both a tuxedo and copious amounts of food on top of the tuxedo as well as his head. Evidently not bothered by pasta and creamy sauce still dripping down his face, he had commandeered the entire kitchen, with several pans going at once and what appeared to be the old Apple Family distillery assembled on the kitchen table.
“Ah better not be findin’ this to be you tryin’ to get your cutie mark in midnight snackin’ again, Bloomie…” came the voice of Applejack, woken up for much the same reason as well as being flabbergasted as to what exactly was going on in the kitchen. “Mac, why are ya wearing-“
“The date went south, my dear sister,” came a Trottingham accent from what looked like Big Mac’s mouth as he quickly whisked something in a pot he’d brought to boil. “Long story short: it was sabotaged, my lovely date thinks she’s humiliated both her and myself, that fancy restaurant place is half-ruined after I broke a table which also happens to be the reason why I’m coated in what had been our dinner orders, and Cheerilee…” he glanced over to his sisters, noting that telling Apple Bloom that her teacher had turned into a depressive alcoholic would simply not do. “Well, she’s not in the best of places right now and so I must help her.” He’d switched to his faked accent purely to screw with their heads, the only application he could think of having any use for virtually having become fluent in a second language.
“Who the hell are you and where the hell is my grandson?” came the voice of Granny Smith, who had somehow perfectly navigated her way down from the upstairs to the kitchen without having taken off her sleeping mask. When she did, though, one look was all she needed before what was going on was made crystal clear. “Apple Bloom?”
“Yeah, Granny?”
“Git mah big rollin’ pin.”
“Huh?”
“Ah know ya heard me clearly the first time!” When Granny Smith got stern, the younger Apples knew not to ask questions and do as they were told. Once Apple Bloom as off getting the giant rolling pin from the barn, Granny turned to Applejack. “And Applejack, when Bloomie gets back, Ah need ya both to go milk the cows. Two buckets.”
“Milk the cows?!” retorted Applejack, “it’s practically midnight, the fact Ah don’t know what this is all about aside, I’m sure the cows won’t-“
“Tell the cows we need to get somepony out of the bottle, they’ll understand.”
“Ok, fine,” surrendered Applejack. “Berry Punch overdone it again?”
“Don’t tell Bloomie, because Ah suspect her teacher is currently drunker than your father was when he proposed to your mother. What we’re doin’ here? We’re makin’ wake up juice.”
“Swift, you need to get going!” reminded Dusty to her mother-in-law. “I can handle things by myself until Silver gets back, but you’re needed at your job! You heard the messenger pony!”
“I know, I know!” fretted the pegasus. “But I need to help Cheeri, too, and I just don’t know what-“
“Swift!” shouted the daughter-in-law, snapping the pegasus out of her panic. “Silver will be back soon. Don’t forget the last time Cheerilee was like this; Silver and I knocked some sense back into Cheeri. I know you don’t feel comfortable about leaving her side, but you don’t have to worry about leaving her in good hooves. We just need to keep her away from the booze for a while until she gets over what happened.”
“Yes, you’re right, I suppose,” conceded the elder pony, before taking Dusty into a tearful hug. “I can’t tell you how much your presence here has helped, this whole ‘turn Cheeri into a pegasus’ nonsense has just run ramshod all over our lives and I should have believed Cheerilee when that glue prank was attributed to those harridelles she has to call her peers.”
“Hey, we teachers gotta stick together…at least, the ones who aren’t perpetually shoving their heads up their butts, right?” Whatever was going to be said next was cut off when there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it, chances are it’s probably Silver.”
Indeed it was, complete with a worried expression on his face. “Those three teachers showed up when I was talking to May, no doubt they’re up to something because they wanted her to do something.”
“May?” asked Swift as she walked into the room. “Why would they need May? Sure, she’s the mayor, but the only difference that role has from a lesser public servant is things she has enough clout to outright refuse doing.”
“Because they’re trying to send a message: They want Cheeri to know something bad is about to come down.” Silver didn’t mention the vague hinting on May’s part about what Big Mac being some kind of ace-in-the-hole, not knowing much, if anything, about it anyway.
“Well, just…make sure your sister is away from the alcohol,” sighed Swift. “I’m just glad she doesn’t need to do that therapy with you and Rainbow today, she needs rest.”
“Like always,” added Silver, before hugging his mother. “We’ll keep her dry, don’t worry. You go save lives, Mom.” Swift nodded and without further ado took off to her work station. When his mother disappeared behind some clouds, Silver just shook his head. “So, Dad’s helping the local guards figure out what the hell actually happened last night, Mom’s off to work, Rainbow’s in Canterlot for the rest of the day, and now it’s just the two of us back having to deal with my sister’s latest self-derived hell.”
“You forgot the part where now we know this house is loaded down with secret booze vaults,” dryly added Dusty, who walked over to where Cheerilee was beginning to stir again. Almost instinctively, her hoof reached out for one of the unopened cider bottles she’d left out from the night before and nopony had bothered hiding away. She was about to pop it open, but had it immediately snatched out of her hoof by Dusty.
“Cheeri,” started the sister-in-law with concern, “you’re burning through these bottles like how you described that rumor you’d heard about Rarity guzzling down entire gallons of ice cream whenever she’s particularly distraught.”
“That’s not a rumor!” angrily retorted the semi-drunk schoolteacher. “Nopony imagined that mountain of emptied ice cream containers half the size of her house, and that’s in the wake of everything else she screwed up around town!”
“Really? Based on your letters, she tends to get melodramatic so much, I’d think she’d be buying ice cream by the cartload at that rate. Though, given what she looks like, I have to assume that she’s somehow burning off all that fat from the ice cream through crying at such an absurd level, the physical exertion being some form of physical exercise that allows her to retain her lithe figure.”
“You don’t seriously believe that, do you, hon?” flatly questioned Silver. “Because as the only pony in this room with actual medical training, I can assure you that there is no way Rarity could cry hard enough to replace physical exercise. She’d need to be crying for an entire week straight just to put a dent in the fat she eats from just one gallon!”
Dusty thought about her husband’s words before replying. “But then…would she be using the ice cream as some sort of special source of magical power?”
Cheerilee – now calmer – nodded thoughtfully. “That would sort of explain, on the heritage level, why Sweetie Belle has taken to all those ice cream milkshakes ever since her magic finally started developing….”
Silver facehoofed. “Are we really about to have a discussion about how unicorns apparently get magical power from ice cream headaches?
Dusty shrugged. “Well, to be fair, sweetie, you yourself are a unicorn and so your enlarged forehead is directly connected to your brain, which is where headaches happen, right?
Silver’s other hoof joined the first in a double facehoof, the magnitude of ridiculousness making him sit down. “Oh my Celestia, we are having this discussion. Okay, since everypony is in agreement that I would know how magic works on the most basic level because I am a unicorn, I am certain that any idea of a misnamed phenomenon involving the cerebrum and my inner magical nexus implies a connection that does not exis-“
“That actually would explain a lot about what I’ve seen when it comes to the most powerful magic users” said Cheerilee, cutting her brother off. “It’s no secret Princess Celestia tends to be an absolute glutton around cake of all kinds. What if she needs to eat all the cake in order to have enough power to keep raising the sun? Same with Princess Luna, though in her case it’s overcaffinated coffee, and with Princess Cadence…well, she takes after her great-to-the-nth-power aunt in a shared love of cake, too. And Princess Twilight? You both have seen how she wolfs down those giant hayburgers, maybe now that she’s ascended she needs to power herself with grease? Or maybe even cholesterol?”
Suddenly, Dusty found the bottle of apple cider she was still holding snatched away by Silver. “Okay, here’s what I’m going to do,” he said matter-of-factly, popping the top off the bottle with his magic. “I’m going to go outside and drink this, in the hopes it will help me forget I even listened to my sister suggest the most powerful ponies in the country run off of the worst possible things for ponies to eat massive amounts of.”
“Well, actually…” began Dusty, a slight blush coming to her face. “I also heard rumors that Prince Consort Shining Armor has a really bad fixation for tofu corndogs, especially those soaked in hayonnaise-“
“LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” said the flustered nutritionist, who immediately made good on his word to leave the building, the floating bottle of booze following.
“Well,” smirked Dusty, “guess I have a new weapon to tease him with.” The immediate sound of sobbing killed the small touch of good humor, though, as Dusty turned to see Cheerilee bawling her eyes out again. The married teacher just sighed, it was going to be a long afternoon.
Big Mac hadn’t slept in over 24 hours at this point, but he didn’t care. It had taken all night to prep the magic elixir from the old Apple Family recipe for “wake up juice” or, more simply put, the ultimate anti-hangover cure. Because when your family is the biggest locally owned and producer of a popular apple-based alcoholic beverage, having a well-tested formula to treat any passed out, heavy drinkers during cider season was a must.
In fact, the only thing that had stopped him from taking the first full bottle of the potion was Granny’s insistence that he at least bother to show up looking like he had some self respect for his image. Which amounted to a heavy, 15 minute shower and then carefully removing the heavily ruined tuxedo as he was sure Rarity would want it back if only because she could use its remains to make a new set for her next fashion line. Big Mac doubted he’d ever need a tuxedo again, unless…
Easy there, boy he chided himself, don’t want to go rushing off to the altar like last time. It’s already not looking good that anything made by an Apple apparently makes her crazy. If anything, he felt like he was going to collapse at any moment, but after seeing the state Cheerilee had drunk herself into, he had to keep going.
After what seemed to have taken an eternity, Mac reached town and made a beeline for Cheerilee’s house, made easier by Silver standing outside for whatever reason and naturally, drinking apple cider as well.
“Ah only have enough fer one of ya!” he declared as he started to slow down, lest he brake too late and demolish the front wall of Cheerilee’s house. “And Ah thought doctors weren’t supposed to drink?”
“Huh?” Silver lowered the bottle and looked for the source of the words. “Big Mac?”
The large stallion skidded to a halt right in front of the unicorn. “Where is she?’
Silver shook his head. “Mac, I don’t know what you think you’re doing here, but considering my sister’s current state I don’t think seeing you wi-”
Before the doctor could react, he suddenly found his face almost touching a giant red forehead with green eyes looking down at him like telescopes. “Ah know yer a doctor and her brother, an’ Ah respect that, but unless you know a way to get her to stop bein’ drunk in the next five minutes, Ah’d like to prove to Cheerilee she doesn’t need to hurt herself like this all on account of last night.”
Intimidated, Silver’s brain was scrambling to recover as he involuntarily backed up to let the earth pony through. He also noted that on Mac’s back was a bottle delivery saddlebag, except there was only one bottle in it, with a reddish-brown mixture inside of it.
Mac hadn’t gone farther than one step before he heard the weeping.
“He doesn’t even want to look at me anymore!” wailed the distraught pseudo-pegasus, sniffling and blowing her muzzle on a nearly depleted box of tissues. “I’m just one large walking disaster!”
“No, you’re not,” reassured Dusty, who looked like she’d been talking in endless circles and getting nowhere. Neither mare had noticed Mac, who let the duo play out their little routine for about five more minutes before clearing his throat to announce his presence.
“EEEP!” Squealed Cheerilee, horrified at what she thought was her heaping more disrespect toward the stallion. “OhCelestiayou’reherewhyareyouhereI’msosorryIdon’tknowwhathappenedohImustlooklikeatotal-MNHPH!”
As he had intended to the previous night, Big Mac now succeeded in reaching over and plugging Cheerilee’s mouth with his hoof. “Cheerilee, yer stressed, yer still in the middle of the hangover, and yer thinkin’ last night only happened ‘cause you somehow decided yer food looked better on me than on yer actual plate. Before anypony does anythin’ else, Ah want you to do exactly as Ah say, got that?”
Cheerilee nodded.
“Alright, now…” Big Mac reached back for the bottle. “Ah want you to drink all of this, Ah spent all night makin’ it ‘cause Ah knew when Ah saw yer...appreciation of mah family’s cider, you were gonna need a fixer-upper. Then, after you’ve drunk this, we’re gonna settle everythin’, alright?”
Big Mac’s hoof left her muzzle, but she was too stunned to manage to say anything except “A-alright.” Cautiously, she removed the lid to the bottle and almost gagged from the smell.
“Oh, jeez!” exclaimed Dusty, backing away and covering her nostrils with a hoof. “That’s nasty!”
The hungover mare would have agreed, but said nothing. Instead, she looked into Big Mac’s eyes, where she found nothing but an almost pleading look for her to trust him. Gulping, Cheerilee moved quickly and put the bottle’s opening to her mouth. It tasted just as bad as it smelled, but she dared not stop even though it was bad enough to illicit tears. Somehow, she managed to drain the whole bottle, slamming it onto the table top.
Almost immediately, she went cross-eyed and keeled over onto her side.
“You... you killed her!” accused Dusty, horrified at the twitching corpse of her sister in law.
“Funny, Ah’m still standin’, and Ah drunk a whole bottle of that same batch,” replied Big Mac, “Ah wouldn’t make her take anythin’ Ah wasn’t perfectly willin’ to take mahself.”
“But...why are you putting yourself through more pain for my sake?” asked the implausibly-now-awake Cheerilee, who in the span of several seconds was acting as if she’d never taken a swig of alcohol in her life. “That was horrible!”
“Cheerilee, Ah…” Big Mac took a deep breath. “Last night? That weren’t your fault, ‘parently you were slipped a fork ‘n knife that weren’t meant for handlin’ though Ah must admit Ah actually found it kind of amusin’ how you managed to make all yer food only land on me.”
“Oh, I made us look like utter fools, didn’t I?” groaned Cheerilee.
“Ah’m sorry, the only one who looked foolish was me. Do Ah really look like Ah belong in a tuxedo and speakin’ like somepony Ah’m not? Ah thought you were the prettiest damn thing in the whole restaurant and Ah woulda punched somepony who disagreed. In fact, Ah did actually punch the gelding who done framed you.”
“Oh, you’re just trying to be nice,” said Cheerilee with a fierce blush.
“Why shoudln’t Ah be nice to the mare Ah want to be mah special somepony?” Cheerilee immediately was about to protest, but only ended up with Mac’s hoof keeping her muzzle shut again. “Please, just let me get this off mah chest. Ah don’t know if it’s ‘cause o’ whatever that potion mah sister and her friends spiked into our drinks way back when that made us think we were madly in love, and the last thing Ah wanna do is go through all that nonsense again, but Ah’d be a fool not to recognize how much Ah like you. Sure, we still do the flirtin’ and the teasin’ everytime we pass each other while in town, simply assumin’ it’s that magic liquor crap lingerin’ in our bloodstream. But it’s been more than enough time for that stuff to finally wear off, over a year at least, so the fact what Ah felt under its effects are still around now when they should have vamoosed already only makes it more clear to me why Ah find you so special.”
Cheerilee blushed furiously, but her eyes never broke contact, one pair of emerald eyes locked with the other. “B-but…how? After last night-“
A big, red hoof suddenly moved to gently place itself on the mare’s muzzle. “Last night weren’t yer fault, it was one o’ the staff. ‘Perently your fanclub paid him off t’ make everypony think what went wrong was all ‘cause of you. ‘T be perfectly honest, Ah never shoulda let Rarity rope me into agreein’ to try bein’ fancy like that.”
“Wait, the whole dinner affair was her idea? Like, I knew she was heavily involved, but from start to finish it was really all her all along?”
Big Mac nodded. “Yeah, she sorta figured out Ah was takin’ a shine to ya and made the whole date try to follow what she thought was romantic. Ah don’t know how AJ can stand bein’ so formal for things like that, wearin’ fancy clothes and being so-fis-ti-cahted isn’t what Ah’m supposed t’be.”
At that, Cheerilee had to raise an eyebrow. Everypony in town was well aware that where Applejack was stubborn enough to put the mule stereotype to shame, Big Mac’s ability to be stubborn was the textbook definition of the proverbial immovable object or irresistible force, depending on the situation. “Then…why did you even go through with it? You’ve made it clear that you’ve been aware of the romantic tensions between us ever since the love poison incident, but that should also mean you were aware I wasn’t desperate to see you in a handsome tuxedo.”
Now it was Big Mac’s turn to blush, visibly not as bright as the one still on Cheerilee’s face, but given his dark red coat it was obvious how deep his blush went for it even to be seen that brightly. “Well, it’s just that…Ah’m not sure that Ah’m really the kind of pony somepony like you deserves to be with.”
Cheerilee was shocked. “I don’t deserve…what?!” She quickly reared to her hind legs, fore legs outstretched perfectly perpendicular to her torso. “Just look at me, Big Macintosh, I’m a small time teacher who has hidden caches of high proof alcohol hidden all over this house which I’m probably still drunk off of, I’m underpaid for doing the work of an entire school faculty in a dead-end job, I publicly embarrassed both of us last night, and I’m an emotional wreck because one of my regular students probably still hates me and I was sure that you did as well but you’re here now and…and…“ Sniffling, she returned to a normal pony posture and looked up at the stallion with teary eyes. “You’re Big Macintosh, half the reason your family’s farm is still in business is because you’re able to do so much to support it and your family. No stallion in town can come close to having your kind of strength both physically and morally, since you probably could push mountains like greased carts but are still the kindest stallion I’ve ever met. And your sister is Applejack, putting you only two steps away in association to a princess which makes you virtually a celebrity in your own right! No, you’re not the pony I deserve to be with, because you deserve better than me.”
Normally, Big Mac was not a very talkative pony simply because he rarely had a lot to say. After hearing Cheerilee, however, he was truly at a loss for words at time he knew he needed them. Or rather, he did have them, but he was massively unsure in his ability to express them properly. But Ah already tried to change how she sees me, he thought, and that just ended up in causin’ her pain. She did say that just bein’ who Ah am somehow makes me out of her league, so even if Ah do botch this, she needs to know what Ah see that she just takes for granted.
Taking a deep breath, Big Mac knew this was possibly the biggest risk in his life. “Ah really can’t say if you’re right or wrong about that, Cheerilee. Everythin’ you said are things Ah just do naturally, ‘cept the movin’ mountains bit since Ah know Ah’m not that strong. But that’s where Ah see the beginnin’ of all the reasons why Ah don’t see how somepony like you could like me.”
“I…I don’t understand…”
The stoic stallion smirked, a most uncharacteristic expression for him. “Ah’m strong, sure, but that’s all Ah can do. If it ain’t physical labor, Ah’m useless. Everypony knows mah parents died when Ah was just a colt, but somehow nopony connects the dots to figure that also means Ah had to help Granny run the farm full time, even with some relatives. Ah’m good enough with numbers to keep the farm afloat but…Ah was pulled outta school in sixth grade and Ah never went back.”
The teacher was stunned. “You…never even finished elementary school?”
Big Mac nodded. “Ah was unlucky enough that mandatory public education hadn’t been fully enforced until a few years after Ah was needed on the farm. Ah’d tried to keep up on mah learnin’ in mah free time, but Ah had t’ give up that path as Ah just couldn’t teach mahself, wasn’t what Ah was meant to do. Nopony’s noticed Ah’m probably dumber than a diamond dog, no need for whatever calculus is supposed to be for when all anypony really expects of me is raw strength and to harvest food.
“That’s why Ah just can’t understand yer habit of overlookin’ how special you are, Cheerilee. For you, learnin’ and teachin’ and bein’ plain ol smart is your place in life. You’re probably the second smartest pony in town, next to Twilight Sparkle of course but she…she’s not you. The princess doesn’t have your gift of bein’ able to know things and then explain them easily enough for somepony as dumb as Ah am to start to understand as well. Heck, even she knows that, which is why you’ve got wings to teach Rainbow Dash how to fly again and why Dash’s best friend isn’t. Which leads to why Ah think Ah’m in love with you.
“There has not been anything Ah’ve not seen you put up against that, no matter how difficult the task is or unteachable a subject, you will allow yourself to fail as a teacher to meet that need. You never let anypony under your tutelage down on any fault of your own, to the point you overwork yourself so much that you end up with a house fulla alcohol to drown your sorrows in. You do so much for your students that you don’t even acknowledge you’ve pushed yourself so hard again and again past the breakin’ point, to where you don’t value why you’re able to keep doin’ this but you still do it. That, in mah opinion, is a job far harder than movin’ mountains or simply watchin’ plants grow. It’s enough to make anypony mad in the head, but even with no end in sight you just charge right into that insanity with a smile and a personality that brightens anypony else’s day. How could Ah think that somepony with so many appealin’ qualities, with a character as strong as yours, would want some simple, uneducated workhorse like me who does nothin’ but say ‘eeyup’ and ‘nope’ all day?”
The silence and tension in the air was thick, so much that Dusty had backed out of the room to give the two ponies some space. As they gazed into each other’s eyes, they slowly started to drift forward toward the inevitable. Then, right when their muzzles were almost touching…
...the moment was utterly ruined by a panicked Mayor slamming the door open. Spooked, Cheerilee ended up launching forward and, had Big Mac not been twice her size and weigh about a ton, would have tackled him to the ground. Instead, he just caught her and brought her into a tight hug, which was enough for both of them. For now.
After a few moments, Dusty came back in after deeming the coast was clear, noticing the Mayor having realized what she’d jumped into and clearly trying to patiently wait for the proper moment to speak. The whole cliche’ kissing sequence having been ruined, Dusty figured she might as well grease the wheels to get things going again. “So, May, is it? What apocalypse is threatening Ponyville this week?”
“It’s those three troublemaking teachers,” stated the Mayor, whose existence was finally recognized by the ponies still in the middle of the room. “They’ve...somehow convinced the council to hold a flying race, Cheerilee against them.”
“Now, Ah may not know the first thing about fancy flyin’” replied Big Mac, “but Ah think somepony needs wings to fly, which none of those three have last Ah checked.”
“Last you checked indeed,” repeated May, who then stepped aside to reveal Twilight Sparkle, who had an equally dour face.
“Twilight?” Cheerilee blurted. If the princess was involved, it wasn’t going to be pretty. “What’s going on?”
“I...may have lent Breakfast Club the spellbook containing that glimmer wing spell I cast on Rarity a few years back to give her wings.” Twilight gave an apologetic, sheepish grin. “I’d forgotten about that spell entirely and she claimed the book was for research purposes.”
“They’ve also convinced the council that this stupid race should be held tomorrow,” added May. “A district wide day off from school because Club managed to spin the affair to sound like it would be good for pushing next year’s education budget by turning the education system into Wonderbolt wannabes. And I’m betting they’ve got something also planned to make the whole Rainbow Dash therapy thing go south, too.”
Cheerilee could only sigh. “Like I needed more reason to hate Mondays.”
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Oh? More reasons to strongly dislike Breakfast Club and her pals? I'll just add it to the pile.
Big Mac, on the other hand? I love your version of him. And that moment in the kitchen was pretty priceless too.
Why does this make so much sense?
5791534 This has been my headcanon for years.
Wait, I'm confused: The maitre de deliberately over-polished the silverware, and gave Cheerilee a pair that's meant to be used only for unicorns. That's nasty, but why are they talking about bringing in the guard? The only actual crime committed was when Big Mac punched that dude. Is Perfect Demeanor not knowledgable of the law, or does he think that friends of Twilight Sparkle will be held above it?
The speech between Big Mac and Cheerilee was really sweet, by the way.
Argh! Curse you, Mayor May Mare, and your unconscionable interruption of cliché kiss scenes!
Love how you write Big Mac and Cheerilee's dad. And now you've given me the headcanon that different users of unicorn-style magic have different, shall we say, dietary needs.
Regarding Twilight: Grease for the Grease God! Books for the Book Throne!
I wouldn't feel reassured by that. Big Mac's a freaking mountain. He probably needs to drink manticore venom just to get a good buzz going.
And Twimac has been out of style for like, two seasons anyway.
So he says at the end of his big, chatty, extremely eloquent "you're awesome and you just don't realize it" speech.
How the blazing hay did the antagonist ponies convince the council to council to set up a (presumably mandatory) three versus one competition that has absolutely nothing to do with their curriculums while Cheerilee is in the middle of sensitive and super-important therapy classes?
5791534
Because those are the only things we ever really see the princesses eating.
5795121
The guard is, as far as I can tell, the closest thing to a provisional police force that exists in canon.
And thanks!
5797755
Well, after Rarity chugged down enough ice cream to quantify an entire aisle from my local grocery store (she's still a horse so just ONE of those containers was probably equal to several gallons to a human), you gotta wonder how she retained her figure...
5797962
A cockatrice one used its Medusa Stare on Big Mac. After three days of agonizing pain, the cockatrice died.
And as for the council, you gotta remember these are the same idiots who thought that making Cheerilee go through changing pony subspecies again all to help Rainbow fly again - despite the fact Cheerilee knew jack squat about flying and doesn't even fully qualify for being a physical therapist - was a good idea. That, and one of the unicorn teacher trio is married to a pony who is on the council so they have a bit of additional influence there.
5798805
Okay, I get that the council is being strung along by the three bad pones, but the "three-on-one" aspect kind of threw me for a loop (unless I misinterpreted that part). A team competing against a lone individual would be bizarre under ANY circumstances, but the fact that the plot has to have a veneer of legitimacy makes it extra weird. They're hardly even trying to disguise their harassment at this point.
5801696
The part where it's three-against-one isn't immediately obvious at face value - nopony not involved with Cheerilee's life directly for the past few weeks wouldn't see the race as anything but a friendly challenge between four teachers in a public spectacle that probably would be a slight tourism boost.
You gotta remember, this is the same town that constantly keeps buying into the con-jobs Flim and Flam bring around occasionally and unintentionally end up screwing over the Apple Family multiple times as a result. They're slightly more than a little naive, if nothing else.
First thing I thought of was...
And I was so hoping for the rest of that scene...
If that doesn't tip you off, I'm a fan of Back to the Future.
9752795
Heh, that was a reference to BTTF!
Shouldn't this be earth pony? Because unless I misunderstand what's going on, it's Big Mac letting go.
I do like to head cannon that unicorns burn magic with calories