When Eric Cartman goes to Equestria, the ponies must learn that they can't change him.
Eric Cartman, the reason why everyone watches South Park, has somehow popped up in Equestria. He immediately starts being a dick to everyone. The ponies react typically.
Crossover with South Park. Rated M for Eric Cartman pattern foul language.
It was just another average day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the grass was green. The Elements of Harmony just apprehended a genocidal war god who wasn’t genocidal, had nothing to do with war, and certainly wasn’t a god. All in all, everything was normal. That would change, because Ponyville had some sort of supernatural attraction to the ridiculous. Perhaps the ridiculous was normal.
There was a flare of bright light in the main square, blinding all those in the vicinity. In the Tree House-Library, Twilight Sparkle sensed a disturbance in harmony. The light spat out a roundish, tubby figure that screamed at the top of its lungs. The ponies flinched at the sheer outlandishness of it.
“Goddammit!” it screamed, “Goddamit! Goddammit! Goddammit!”
The light disappeared, and the thing rose to its feet. The ponies blinked in horror. It was bipedal like a Diamond Dog (who died lacking slaves, incidentally), but was slightly shorter than a full grown pony. Flab hung off of it like blubber of a whale. It wore a light blue hat, overlaid with yellow. Its teeth gritted in what appeared to be overwhelming rage and hatred.
It looked around at its surroundings, rage burning in its eyes, chubby body threatening violence to any who came close. The ponies blinked. It tilted its head at the heavens.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” It screamed, “You just had to drop me off in fucking hippie land! This goddamn place makes me sick enough when I see it on the fucking TV!”
It started bashing its head against the ground. When it looked back up, it was with a shocking degree of malice and horror in equal measure. Demonic emotion seemed to pour off of it. Naturally, the ponies didn’t catch the fucking clue. A mint green one with a lyre for its cutie mark rushed at it.
“Human!” it screeched, voice deafening all those in the vicinity.
At the same time, the Element of Laughter, the ever annoying Pinkie Pie, rushed the figure to the ground screaming something incoherent as parties. Yes, it was still a normal day in Ponyville, all things considered. The human screeched in anger, lashing out with its fists and feet. It managed to push Pinkie and the slathering Lyra off.
“Get the hell away from me, or I’ll make you eat your goddamn parents!” the creature yelled at the top of its lungs.
This caused Lyra to blink, and Pinkie to giggle. Pinkie, naturally, was oblivious to the implications of threatening to make one “eat their parents”. If anyone looked close enough at the creature, they would see veins popping out on the side of its head, and pulsing in rhythmically. As Twilight Sparkle came down from her tree house, she saw the rage literally boiling off of the creature. She blinked.
***
Eric Cartman was pissed off. Really, really pissed off. He hadn’t been this pissed off since Scott Tenorman sold him pubic hair. Why the hell was he here? One moment, Cartman had been smacking around a bunch of faggot bronies, and now he was here in fucking brony-hippy shit land. It was not a good feeling. If Kyle could see him, he’d be laughing his ass off. Like on that time Cartman caught aids.
“Stupid kike,” he muttered to himself.
Why the hell was he here, anyway? An answer quickly appeared when a letter poofed into his hand. Cartman opened it and read it briefly.
“Cartman, It has come to my attention that you are a dick. A really big dick. A throbbing dick, like a boner. A dick…I digress. Anyway, stop acting like a dick and get your shit together, or you’ll be stuck here forever. Signed, Wouldn’t You Like to Know?”
He threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Screaming a list of expletives, “fuck”, “shit”, and “son of a bitch” featuring heavily in this one sided, foul dialogue. The sound of a clearing throat interrupted his tirade. He glared at the source of the sound, a purple faggot unicorn.
“Stop swearing,” she said firmly.
A middle finger extended off of Cartman’s hand in her direction. The pony, having no fingers, did not understand the rude gesture. Assuming it to be a gesture of compliance, she continued.
“Allow me to introduce myself. I am Twilight Sparkle,” she said.
Cartman glared at her, middle finger still extended. Rage somehow embedding itself deeper into his features. The pony waited until it became apparent that Cartman wasn’t going to respond.
“What’s your name?” she queried.
“Go Fuck Yourself,” Cartman responded.
Twilight paled visibly. In response, a multi color blur shot its way in front of Cartman, to reveal the gayest fucking thing he had ever seen. A blue, winged pony, with a Rainbow mane. Cartman did what was natural. He pointed, laughed, and fell over.
“What’s your problem?” it snapped.
Cartman continued rolling around laughing, tears streaming down his face. He constantly repeated “gay pride pony” on a cracking voice. Rainbow Dash, the newly christened "gay pride pony", turned red as a beet and slunk away from the helplessly giggling Cartman.
“I say! What an uncouth brat!” a high class British voice sounded.
It reminded Cartman of the nanny with the dried out uterus that his mother hired to deal with his behavioural issues. Cartman grinned at that. He had always enjoyed playing with other people’s minds. It almost took his mind away from the ridiculous amount of irritation he was currently feeling.
A white pony, that incidentally reminded Cartman of a giant marshmallow with purple hair, trotted up to him. Her nose was annoyingly high in the air. That pissed Cartman off even more. The bitch though she was better than him!
“You will clean up your mouth if it is the last thing you do!” she snapped.
Cartman grinned. He would enjoy breaking her. His rage subsided when he considered how much fun he would have fucking around with these ponies. He could already judge by this one’s actions that she was a prissy bitch who cared about her looks.
“Mule,” he grunted.
“I beg your pardon?” she hissed in response.
“I said you look like a fucking mule, you dumb bitch!” Cartman snapped, “Clean out your fucking ears!”
The crying lasted the rest of the day. Cartman fed off of it like wine. This was starting to shape up for him.
“What should we do?” one of them asked, “He has no home!”
The voice was annoyingly soft.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! He can stay with me!” shrieked an annoying voice that grated along Cartman’s nerves.
He saw the pink one jumping up and down, oblivious to the pain he had brought to her friends. Great, Cartman thought, a crack addict. His heart lurched when the other ponies nodded. The pink druggie leapt up next to him.
The pink druggie led Cartman to a garishly pink building that made him feel like vomiting. It was no exaggeration. It took every fibre of his being to hold back the acidic bile that threatened to spew from his throat. He was almost tempted to do it, but didn’t, remembering Stan and that damn liberal bitch, Wendy. He puked on her on a routine basis. Cartman personally found the expression on Wendy’s face hilarious, but didn’t want to try it himself. Mostly because of the implications. Cartman hated implications. A lot.
When they got inside of the vomit inducing building, Cartman found the pink druggie handing him a party hat. Cartman quirked his eyebrow up, and then glared at her balefully. He didn’t take the hat, instead uttering six words.
“What the fuck is this for?”
The pink crack smoker grinned, unphased by the foul mouthed hostility presented to her. She grinned wider and pushed the hat into Cartman’s hands. He purposely let the hat fall to the ground.
“It’s for your ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party!”
Cartman loved having parties thrown in his honor. This was mostly because of the phrase “in his honor”. When it came to self-centeredness and egotism, none could compare to Cartman. Cartman loved parties as well, simply to troll people. This gave Cartman momentary pause.
“A party for me…okay…I guess that would be okay…” Cartman muttered.
“What does fuck mean?” Pinkie queried, too innocent to understand a curse word we she heard one.
Cartman was going to tell her exactly what it meant when an idea sprang up in Cartman’s mind. A delightful idea fueled by insanity and an atypical sense of schadenfreude. He grinned malevolently, although the hyped up hippie was in no way cautioned by it.
“It’s something you say to friends,” Cartman grinned, “it works best when you say ‘fuck you’, or ‘fuck yourself’.”
The pony’s eyes bulged from their sockets in a fashion that reminded Cartman of beating a dog to death. PETA only stopped harassing him when he force fed said dog to their leader. The leader killed himself, as far as Cartman knew. That had been extremely satisfying.
Before Cartman knew it, the pony had burst out of the window and was running down the street screaming “fuck you” and “fuck yourself” to every pony she found on the wayside. This was met with a great deal of blinking, and much shaking of heads.
In the distance, Cartman heard the stuck up bitch berating the drug addict. He smiled to himself wolfishly. Too easy. The ponies here were so easy to toy with. He was beginning to enjoy himself, against all that he believed was true. It was more fruitful here than in his home. Cartman realized he could try all sorts of shit here.
A bird hit the window and died. Cartman’s laughter terrified everypony in a three mile radius. In the clouds, a twisted form grinned. Perfect.
***
Cartman hated hippies. He truly and fully hated hippies. He hated them to the point where he had tried to exterminate them. It seemed obvious that the yellow one with the disgusting name that sound similar to butterfly was a hippy. All of the ponies had gathered together for the party, and everyone was now settled down.
Cartman had laughed until his eyes nearly bled when he saw the banner: “Welcome to Equestria Party! Fuck You, Friends!” It was too bad that it had to go down when the one doing drugs realized that the word was actually an insult. It almost made her cry that she had been lied to. Cartman savored the tears. He loved wrecking the world of the show that he hated most.
My Little Pony: a show for faggots and little girls. That was Cartman’s opinion, and he stuck to it.
All of the ponies regarded him with hostility now, except the little yellow hippie. She had rolled herself into a ball and was gently crying from when Cartman had told her exactly what he thought of her and her “goddamn faggot animals”. That didn’t win him any points with the ponies. Not that he cared.
By the time the “party” was over, a mob had already gathered in front of the house with torches and pitchforks, seeking to banish Cartman from Ponyville. He glared out the window, before grinning. He grabbed a stick and tore out of the building.
“Fuck your party!” he screamed, “Respect mah authoritah!”
Glorious battle was joined. A corner of Cartman's heart squeed with joy.
Cartman, now disarmed and held in a glowing aura of lavender magic, rolled his eyes sardonically. For half an hour he had ceaselessly struggled against the glowing field. With his luck it was probably going to give him cancer or some shit like that. Fucking radiation. It was only funny when other people got it.
“What did I do wrong?” He asked.
Twilight, completely ignorant to his sarcasm, continued. “What did you do wrong? Hmmm…Let’s see…First you insulted everyone in sight. Then you taught Pinkie Pie that the ‘F-word’ was good-“
“It is!” Cartman interjected.
Twilight continued regardless, “You somehow made a bird crash into a window (that mess is going to take a long time to clean up, not to mention therapy for Fluttershy), Then you insulted my friends (again) and me. Then you assaulted thirty different ponies with a stick shouting ‘Bad pony! Bad pony!’ repeatedly. Not to mention traumatizing Fluttershy by stomping Angel (be glad he isn’t dead), and so on.”
Beside Twilight, a previously silent Apple Jack spoke up, “Not to mention the fact that ya tried to set mah orchard on fire!”
“Oh, shove your orchard up your ass, you goddamn hick!” Cartman snapped.
Applejack looked like she wanted to buck him. She probably would have if Twilight hadn’t placated her.
Twilight had convinced the other Six Broad-mules that it was good idea to call over some sort of “princess” (a gay term for little girls, especially Wendy Testaburger) who was apparently a bitch-queen in all but name. Apparently she was all sparkly and shit. A moment before all of the ponies had been gathered, but had since split up.
“Purple Horn Fucker” was guarding him with “Orange Inbred Hick”. In the meantime, “Gay Pride Pony” was off comforting “Yellow Goddamn Hippy”. “Prissy Marshmallow Bitch” was apparently off being a whiny drama queen (like Kyle), and “Pink Crack Addict”… well, he had no idea where that crazy thing was. Fucking eldritch. Either way, the “Princess” was coming soon. In fact, according to “Purple Horn Fucker”, she was going to be there in
“A minute,” Twilight said randomly.
A minute passed, in which the Ponies stared uncomfortably at Cartman, who was consumed with his own thoughts and definite sociopathic insanity. The Princess finally arrived in a flash of bright golden light that damn near blinded Cartman.
“Bitch likes to make an entrance,” he noted to himself.
To tell the honest truth, Cartman was pretty disappointed with what he saw. He saw a white pony, with wings and a horn. Albeit a longer horn. Cartman’s gears turned, and he promptly named her “Bitch-Queen Long Horn!” This caused no shortage of spontaneous laughter from him, gritting of teeth from Twilight, and a quizzical blink from the Princess.
“I am Princess Celestia of Equestria-“ The Princess began.
“Bitch-Queen Long Horn!” Cartman interrupted.
Celestia sealed his mouth before continuing, “I am one of the Two diarchs ruling this land. My sister is absent, unfortunately. First, though, we must get down to business. You are a guest here in my land. That does not, however, give you the right to insult or assault me or my subjects. Nod if you understand.”
Cartman nodded, eyes pleading.
Celestia smiled appreciation, “Good. Now I am going to remove the silencing spell, and you are going to answer some questions.”
Cartman breathed deeply as the seal was removed. He glared at Celestia, then applied a façade of reverence.
Cartman had what was called a photographic memory. He recalled things exactly as they happened as far back as he was six, unless he had consciously altered his memories. He could remember hearing what those bronies talked about regularly. Before it had been a torture. Now, it was useful.
They had said that Celestia was immortal.
“May I ask you a question first, Your Highness?” Cartman asked as politely as he could.
Celestia nodded hesitantly.
“How old are you?” Cartman asked, his face giving an absolute impression of pure innocence.
Celestia paused, weighing her options. She shrugged in her mind. “Eight-thousand years, give or take.”
“Hmm…” Cartman nodded thoughtfully, “That is a lot of generations.”
Celestia nodded, “Three-hundred and twenty”
“And I suppose you had a lot of friends?” Cartman inquired.
Celestia blinked.
“They all died, didn’t they? They left you behind. Friends, advisors, soldiers,” he paused, “lovers?” Celestia gaped at him.
That had hit a soft spot.
“Perhaps time has accelerated for you. Perhaps several hundred of those generations blurred by, stealing your sanity as everyone you know dies in a heartbeat. Perhaps so many have died that you don’t remember them anymore. Friends are precious and temporary things for you, aren’t they? The key word there is temporary.”
Celestia’s eyes began to well up with tears.
“Poor Queen, you sit upon your throne without friends because they are all dead!” Cartman laughed.
Cartman wasn’t sure if it was the words or the laughter that got to the princess. Perhaps it was both. Either way, both he and Twilight had first time experiences.
This was the first time Cartman was propelled through a wall, and the first time that Twilight saw her former mentor truly crying.
Before he blacked out, Cartman got a distinct and intense feeling of satisfaction.
Luna stared at the rotund, bipedal creature that lay on the bed before her. It had suffered several broken bones, and an almost pulverized internal system. Only the wonders of magic accounted for its continued survival.
Luna was puzzled. This creature looked innocent, harmless. It seemed beyond her sister to simply try to murder another sentient being, and Celestia had not been able to tell Luna what had transpired. What could have caused such a violent reaction? This so called “Eric Cartman” seemed to be merely a child.
Dreams held answers to everything, Luna believed. While she certainly could not peer into her sister’s mind, she could easily assert her will over this creature. She was certain of it. She had paused, considering what Celestia would say, before realizing that Celestia was in no condition to go against it. Luna closed her eyes and appeared to relax. What actually happened was the severing of a series of complex bonds that held her soul to her body. Now, her mind could truly drift. She forced her way into Cartman’s mind, even as he dreamed dreams.
At first, all was dark. Then, there was pleasant light. There was childlike laughter that made Luna want to smile. How could a creature that dreamed such nice dreams be evil? She felt some of the tension leave her, and she considered have a conversation with the child, who surely must be hiding. The laughter stopped. The light was extinguished.
Screaming. That was the first thing that sounded to break the brief silence that had followed. Screams of agony, of fear, rage, horror. Luna recoiled. The light returned, only it was now harsh and merciless. She was in a jungle. Bipedal, olive uniformed creatures stood holding nozzles that spat liquid fire. Plain uniformed individuals within the forest screamed in pain as the flames engulfed them.
“Die gooks!” The soldiers were yelling.
Death. Fear. Pain.
Now she was in the air, a silver machine cruising along above her. Two doors opened underneath, and elongated conical items fell. Luna looked down, stomach clenching as she saw a city burning as hundreds more of the flying machines pounded the metropolis. Figures that looked like ants from such a height ran about, and were annihilated by massive explosions.
Death. Fear. Pain.
A mouse, eating another of its kind.
A vaguely pony-like creature whinnying in fear as its foal was torn away by wolves.
Bipedal bodies, hanging from a tree, stomachs opened to the air. Luna held back bile that now threatened to expel itself from her body.
A dead child, glassy eyes staring into the distance, a crimson hole bored cleanly through her head. Luna realized with a shock that the entire back part was blown apart, and that the grey matter splattered against the wall behind the body was the girl's brain.
Death. Fear. Pain.
Grey uniformed creatures, shooting other creatures kneeling in the mire, regardless of age or gender. Luna was now trying to bash her way out of the dream, but it seemed to constrict around her, forcing her to stare into the horrors that swirled in the small demon’s mind. Luna saw the grey uniformed creatures dumping the murdered bodies into a pit in the earth as a cylindrical object spat objects into the pit at the speed of sound. The bodies twitched spasmodically.
Death Fear Pain.
A body, being cut open.
A pony, desiccated and disemboweled.
DeathFearPain.
Ponies, eating each other, laughing as they did so. A maniacal pink pony, cutting open the Bearer of Loyalty as balloons made of body parts blew in a non-existent breeze. Luna realized with a start that the pink pony was Pinkie Pie.
Deathfearpain.
“No!” Luna was screaming.
Ponyville, burning, a shadow made of malice and evil pouring itself into ponies’ minds, killing them in fits of madness.
Deathfearpain.
Luna was now pleading, “Let me out!”
Now her voice was warping, turning into a monstrous, growling parody of itself. The voice was laughing, independent of her control. She looked down, seeing the unmistakable form of Nightmare Moon leering back at her, reflected in a puddle of blood. Celestia’s blood. Her sister's eyes had been cut out of their sockets, her mouth was opened in a death scream.
Deathfearpain.
Luna was whimpering, now, beyond even the ability to speak.
Suddenly, the creature that possessed the dream was standing before her. It was grinning up at her, its eyes flooded with unbelievable murderous emotion. Luna found herself terrified by this creature, an emotion that she had only felt when the nightmare had possessed her.
“What kind of nightmare is this?” She screamed at the creature.
“Nightmare?” The creature responded, seemingly puzzled, “This is what I always see when I close my eyes.”
Madness.
“Release me from here at once, monster!” Luna tried to yell, the insanity of the place pressing down like a pillow used to strangle a victim of murder. Her attempt at commandment came out as the terrified begging of a little girl.
A smug grin, an evil eye, “Have it your way, bitch. But there is one last thing before you go.”
“What is it?” Luna queried, her mind sagging under the pressure.
Luna now realized that her mouth was filled with meat. Her eyes widened as she saw that it had been taken out of Celestia’s throat. Celestia’s eyes were frozen open in fear, pain and horror in equal measure. Her angelic wings had been crudely hacked off, and blood marred her porcelain coloured form. Celestia in turn had her mouth wrapped around the neck of a dead Twilight Sparkle. This time, Luna did vomit.
Death. Fear. Pain. Madness.
“You’re going to eat your sister before long, Luna. She is going to eat her prized student as well.”
“Why would you do this?” Luna screamed, blood weeping from her eyes.
“Because I hate this fucking place, and I might as well have fun!” Cartman snapped, “Now get out!”
Luna’s eyes rolled back in her head, and she collapsed forwards. All she saw before unconsciousness embraced her was an insanely grinning Eric Cartman, eyes blazing with amusement.
“Sweet dreams,” Cartman’s voice echoed in her mind, laughter marring the words.
