Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

by Sorren

First published 24th of March, 2012

After an accident, Niko Bellic finds himself in Ponyville with no Knowledge of how or why.

After an incident with the heart of Liberty, Niko Bellic finds himself awake in an unusual hospital. He quickly learns that he is no longer in Liberty City. His rough, gravely world is about to be turned upside down.

Part 1

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part One Niko sat upon the deck of the helicopter as it circled the Statue of Happiness. He had heard stories of the heart before, dealers on the almighty streets of Liberty speaking of the statue itself being alive. He had never believed them of course, but now he was starting to wonder.

He turned to the helicopter pilot. “Take me in close,” he said to the pilot, his voice tinged with a heavy Serbian accent.

“I’m not exactly sure this is safe!” the pilot yelled back over the whirring of the blades.

“I said take me closer,” Niko replied evenly.

“Whatever you say! It’s you funeral, not mine!” The pilot brought the chopper around until it was hovering over the upper railing of the statue.

“Hold her steady!” Niko called. He stepped out onto the skid of the helicopter and hung over the edge, contemplating the jump. It wasn’t that far, he’d had worse falls. “Thanks for ride!” he yelled to the pilot, and jumped. He landed hard on the balcony.

Slowly, he got to his feet and brushed the dust form his well-worn jeans. He looked up at the pilot and gave him a brief nod. The pilot replied by sporting Niko his middle finger. Niko returned the favor. The pilot veered away and in mere minutes was barely a spec on the horizon.

Niko turned his attention to the door behind him. He tried it, nothing. He walked back to the rail and looked down “Shit,” he muttered. “I realty never thought of way to get down.” He turned back and walked around to the other side of the square balcony. The coffee cup of Lady Happiness reflected the late afternoon sun and the entire statue seemed to gleam brightly. There was another black door on the other side as well. A golden plaque was mounted on the wall to the right of the door.

Niko read it aloud. “Nothing secret hidden here.” He chuckled. That obviously meant the exact opposite of what it read. He reached out a hand to touch the door. But instead, his hand plunged right through it. “What the hell?” He withdrew his hand quickly, inspecting it. Slowly he reached out again and watched in awe as his arm disappeared through the door. Tentatively, he stepped forward. So far, his arm was still there, he just couldn’t see it. With a deep breath he stepped through the door. He was now inside the statue. Ahead was a single ladder spanning the vertical length of the statue. It led up into a small square hole in the roof.

“Well this is big secret,” Niko scoffed. He looked at the ladder. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to try. He clasped the ladder in his hands and began to climb. He climbed up past the hole in the roof and entered yet another part of the statue. Now he could see the metal framework of the monument. Big spanning rusty beams encircled him and slowly grew in tighter as he progressed upward.

His phone started ringing. Niko sighed and stopped climbing. He linked an arm through one of the rungs and pulled out his phone with the other. The caller ID read Brucie. “What?” he answered.

“Hey hey! Niko, what do you say we go and—”

Niko hung up the phone. “Not now Brucie,” he muttered and continued his ascent. A quick helicopter ride and he would get over being butthurt. He could hear something now, a steady thumping, not only that, but the space around him was now starting to turn red. “It is not a heart,” Niko said to himself as he climbed on. “It is just big machine to scare pigeons.” But his doubts were increasing as he climbed higher. He reached the top of the ladder. He could hear the steady thumping directly behind him. He could feel it in the ground.

Niko took a deep breath, and turned around. “Holy shit!” He took a rapid step backwards. In front of him was, in fact, a giant heart. It was suspended my many chains and hung out over the abyss. He blinked; it was still there. He rubbed his eyes and opened them again; it was still there. “You have got to be shitting me,” he chuckled to himself. “This evil city actually has heart.” He looked at it for a minute, then for another minute, and another, and another.

“Maybe I can touch it,” he wondered aloud, experimentally holding out a hand. He stopped himself. “Don’t be moron Niko. It is big giant beating heart. What do you think will happen if you touch it?” He shrugged. Niko reached out an arm, but he couldn’t reach the heart. It was still a good four feet away. He looked at the chains supporting the massive organ. “Perfect,” he said. Cautiously, he climbed over the railing of his little platform and placed his feet on one of the metal chains supporting the heart. He found a place for his hands on a higher chain. Slowly he worked his way towards the heart until he was close enough to touch it.

Niko hesitated. “If you want to stop being moron, now would be the time,” he said to himself. But he shrugged off his warning and reached out to touch the beating shape. The second his fingers touched it, the most excruciating shock was sent through every part of his body. He screamed and drew his hand away. But he lost his balance and fell backwards. He managed to catch one of the supporting chains before he fell. He hung there.

Niko chuckled. “You are moron,” he said idly. He screamed out again, more electrical shock running through his body. The chain was shocking him. Panicking, he let go, and he fell, and he fell, and fell.

* * *

Slowly, Niko opened his eyes. He was in a hospital room. Of course, he thought. If he got hurt that’s always where he would wake up. He sat up in the bed, which he noticed was much too small for him. His feet stuck off the end. “What did they put me in child infirmary?” he wondered aloud. Something was off about the room. It was too colorful. Every color was over contrasted. And, was it him, or was the ceiling really low.

“What is this some kind of joke?” he asked himself. His eyes fell upon a picture on the wall ahead. A yellow mini-horse-thing looked back at him. The most bizarre thing was that it was wearing hospital garments and sported a hat with a medical cross on its head.

“Whoa.” Niko rubbed his eyes, but the poster was still there. “I must have fallen asleep at Jacob’s,” he chuckled. “This is some trippy shit.” There was a little cord next to his head. Without thinking, he reached out a hand and pulled it. A bell jingled somewhere in the next room.

He looked down at the gown he was wearing. “Where are my clothes?” he wondered idly. The gown looked patched and mismatched as if someone had sewn a bunch of fabric together in a hurry. “Probably in some shrinky-dink hospital in underground.” Niko shook his head. He really had to stop getting himself into messes like these. The smaller-than-average door opened and a… Niko rubbed his eyes. He didn’t know why he kept doing it, that trick didn’t seem to work. A white horse-thing was walking towards him. She had a pink tale and pink hair ran the length of her neck.

Niko raised a disbelieving finger and pointed at the little horse. “You are little horse.” He chuckled. “Holy shit Jacob what the hell did you do to me?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know who Jacob is,” The little horse replied.

Niko blinked. “Did…” he pointed at the horse-thing, then to himself. It nodded. “Little horse is talking to me.” He chuckled again. “I haven’t been this out of it since the stuff from the old country.”

The creature rolled its eyes. Its eyes, they were huge. “Oh, you’re one of them,” she said dully. Well, Niko figured it was a she. She certainly sounded like a girl.

“I am talking to little horse,” he said, disconnected. But it didn’t even really look like a horse. Its head was rounder, not like a horse’s elongate muzzle. The thing seemed to possess mild human-like features. But it still looked like a horse-thing.

“Look,” the thing said, sounding flustered. Niko found it very hard to concentrate. “At least stop calling me little horse, that’s rather insulting. I’m a pony.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” Niko spun his fingers in the air. “I am talking to a pony. But that is no problem. In little while I will wake up with really big headache. And then this will be all better.”

The white pony shook her head. “Sorry, but you really are talking to a talking pony.”

Niko’s mind froze. He looked at the pony, then around the room, then to the pony. She smiled at him. “Bah!” he yelled. The pony shrank back and gave him a sour look. Niko pinched his arm, hard. Nope, the pony was still staring at him. His mind was reeling. If this all was a dream, then it wouldn’t hurt to play along. “Okay,” he asked. “If I am talking to ponies, then where am I?”

“Equestria, or more precisely, Ponyville,” the pony replied evenly.

Niko had no idea what, these places were, or where they were. “Why am I in hospital?”

She shrugged. “We found you just outside of town, face down in a ditch.”

Niko was having trouble believing any of this at all. A thought struck him. If they were ponies… “Okay, if you are ponies, then why are you not scared of me? I am big scary murderer from old country.”

The pony rolled its eyes again. Niko really wished she’s stop doing that. “It’s not like you’re the first human I’ve seen.”

Niko scoffed. “So, do you things, like, abduct people.”

The pony chuckled, “Oh no, not at all. No, humans poof into existence here all the time. They normally don’t stay very long though. Mostly they’re all just a bunch of wimpy kids who stop after the first chapter because nobody liked their self-insert. But once we had Ellis here for almost a week.”

Niko shook his head. “Look pony lady, you are confusing me. You are saying that humans come her all the time. Then why do we not know about…” He made an arm gesture towards the white pony.

She shrugged. Niko didn’t even know how a pony could shrug but it did.

“Look,” Niko rubbed his temples. “Could you go get me my things? I need to get out of here.”

“Let me get right on that.” The pony turned and left the room.

“What the hell is this shit?” Niko muttered to himself. “I am talking to ponies in hospitals.” He laughed. “I am completely losing it. I am going to kill Jacob when I wake up.”

The pony trotted back in with his folded clothes balanced on her back. “Here you are,” she said, laying them down on the nightstand.

Niko reached out and picked up his attire. Not much. Some old work boots, genes, a brown undershirt, and an old leather jacket. He searched through his pockets and produced a wallet and his phone, but nothing else. “Where are guns?” he asked.

She shook her head. “Toys like that are a big no-no here. Some human thought it would be funny to show us what they did. They aren’t here anymore but the rule remains. No human stuff is to be used by humans here. Bad things usually happen. I had to empty your pockets of all the guns you had. Wasn’t very easy. How do you fit a gun as big as me in your pocket?” she asked, looking puzzled.

Niko shrugged. “Big pockets,” he suggested meekly. He dug into the inside coat pocket and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He chuckled happily to himself.

“What’s that?” she asked him.

Niko looked up; the pony was staring at the bottle in his hands with unmasked curiosity. “Um, apple juice,” he improvised. She looked skeptical but dropped her guard. “Now when can I leave hospital?” he asked.

“Right now actually,” she replied.

Niko shook his head, still not believing a word of it. “Get out of here so I can get dressed.” He motioned for the door.

The pony obliged, and headed for the door. She stopped and tuned to face him. “Oh and, one thing. A lot of you guys manage to do something stupid, please refrain from doing so.” Niko gave her a brief nod. The mare left.

After getting fully dressed, Niko stood up. He banged his head on the ceiling. “This is ridiculous.” He groaned. “Am I actually going to believe I am talking to ponies?” He stepped across the room and pulled open to lower-than-average door. The white pony stood outside waiting.

“Follow me,” she said, briskly setting off down the hall. Niko grudgingly followed. She led him down the hall, past various other rooms. Finally they came out into a lobby. Where yet, another pony was sitting behind a desk. This one was brown.

“Checking out our most recent guest,” the white pony said to the brown.

The brown one looked up and his eyes widened a little at the sight of Niko. “Is it the best idea to let him go tromping around the town?” he asked. Niko could barely tell the female ponies from the male ponies. The only way he knew the difference between a he and a she was their voices. But the male one did have more of a boxy shape to him.

She shrugged in response. “I don’t want him here. Besides, he’ll just go out there, wander around for a little while, probably do something stupid, and then he’ll be gone the next day. It’s what happens to all of them.”

“I can hear you,” Niko muttered. The white pony ignored him. “Look, you ponies are starting to make me angry.”

She turned to face him. “Do us all a favor and don’t go throwing a hissy fit, okay.”

Niko glared. Anybody who talked to him like that would get a fist right to the nose. But he couldn’t hit one of these things. He was twice as tall them. Hurting one of these things would be like hurting a puppy. Besides, he didn’t know where he was. Hitting things right now would be a bad idea. He just continued to glare at the pony.

“Fine, do what you want.” The brown one said. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He went back to shuffling papers. Niko froze, his gazed fixed on the papers that were floating on their own.

“What is that?” he asked cautiously, pointing a finger at the floating papers.

The brown pony deadpanned. “Um, papers.”

Niko scowled. “No shit, why are papers floating?”

In turn, the brown pony glared at the white one. “You tell him, I have work to do.”

Niko fixed an expecting glance on the little pony. She looked up him. Niko noticed she looked the slightest bit intimidated. “He’s a unicorn,” she said. “He can perform magic and spells.”

Niko threw his arms out in exasperation. “Great, so now the pony things can do magic too.” This was beyond bizzare.

He must have hit his head on something really hard. He didn’t remember anything. All he remembered was liberty city and everything about it. He had no idea why, or how, he was here.

“Oh there are pegasi too,” She added. “They can fly.”

Niko rubbed his temples. “Why do I find you so annoying?” He wondered aloud.

She just shrugged, again. “Now get going.” Niko shot her one last glare and started towards the front door.

“Think he’s going to do something stupid?” The brown pony asked when he was out of earshot.

She nodded. “Probably.”

<So one night I got really bored and thought, “hey, what would happen if some violent video game character ended up in Ponyville?” And Niko Bellic immediately popped into my mind. I plan on making this either a 3 or four part story. Nothing long, just a little project.

…..

<Yeah, I’m going to go write about zombie ponies for a while.

~Sorren

Part 2

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Two Niko stepped out of the hospital into the late afternoon sun. “Holy shit,” he said to himself. There were ponies everywhere. Pink ones, orange ones, blue ones; it was like a parade of rainbow colored animals. “Jacob, what the hell did you do to me?” He walked forward. Ponies looked cautiously at him and gave a wide berth.

A blue pony even smaller than the rest of them eagerly started towards him. But what Niko could assume was its mother, stopped the smaller pony before it would reach him. “Stay away from it,” she scolded. “That one looks dumber than the rest.”

“Hey,” Niko held out his arms. “What is that for?” She ignored him, and instead scooted her child away. The ponies here seemed to accept the fact that he was here. But they didn’t seem to like it one bit.

“Hi there!” A voice beamed cheerily from below him. Niko looked down to see a pink pony looking eagerly up at him. The face was round-ish so he assumed it was a girl. This pony had crazy hair. Like really crazy hair.

“You look like cotton candy afro that got caught in hurricane,” he cracked.

The pink pony continued to smile at him. “My name’s Pinkie Pie. What’s yours?”

“Pinkie pie,” Niko mimicked. “What kind of name is that?”

“Why it’s mine silly! What’s your name?”

“Um, Niko,” he replied tentatively. The pony wouldn’t stop smiling at him.

The pony started bouncing, literally bouncing so that her eyes rested at his level for a moment before she fell to the ground again. “Well it sure is nice to meet you Niko,” the pink pony said happily. “Do you like parties? Cause I really love parties and I was thinking of throwing you a surprise welcome to Ponyville party but then I told you about that party so now it won’t be a surprise anymore and here we are now…” She stopped to breathe. Niko had barely understood a word she said. The pink pony was talking a mile per minute.

Niko tried not to cringe. This pony’s voice made his head feel like someone was driving nails into it. He was talking to a pony. He was talking to a pink pony. “Um, I guess I like—”

The pink pony cut him off. “So maybe we can go throw a party. Oooooooh, maybe I can go get my party wagon and we can have a really big surprise but this time I’ll make sure not to put the cake in the confetti cannon and the confetti in the cake cannon because last time that didn’t work out too well.”

Niko took a step back. “Can you stop bouncing? It is really distracting.”

Pinkie pie bounced closer to him. “No silly, why would I want to stop bouncing? Bouncing’s fun see.” The pony continued to bounce, abbreviating every peak of the bounce with a “Wheeeeee.”

Niko backed up further but the pink pony kept with him. “Maybe you can go throw somebody else party. I’m just trying to find way out of here so I can—”

“Why would you want to find a way out of here? This is the best place ever, I mean, who would want to leave.”

“Would you stop interrupting me?” Niko demanded. The pink pony nodded her head, still bouncing.

“I just need to find a way to get back to Liberty City so I can—”

“Oooooooh, Liberty City, that sounds like a cool place. I’ve never been to it before but I would love to because you’re from there and if you’re from there then it must be a cool place because—”

“Would you shut up!?” Niko yelled, a little louder than he had intended. “You are going to give me aneurism!”

The pink pony froze in mid bounce. She hovered in the air in front of him, her eyes starting to tear up. Her fluffy hair seemed to deflate like a balloon. A thought struck him, horses do not have hair, they have a mane. Her mane deflated like a balloon.

“No, nonono, don’t cry,” Niko pleaded. “I did not mean it.”

She sniffed once and dropped back to the ground. The pink pony let out an earsplitting wail before darting away like a pink bullet.” All the ponies in the square glared at him. “What?” he called. “She wouldn’t shut up.” The ponies were starting to really creep him out. Their big colorful eyes seemed to bore right through him. He started off down the street, no clear location in mind. Ponies dodged out of his way as he walked.

After a while he noticed that a cyan pony was following him. He stopped and looked back. The pony chuckled nervously at being caught. Niko noticed two things. One, the pony was flying. And two, the pony looked like a rainbow. Her mane was rainbow colored, along with her tail. “Why are you following me?” he asked, gazing coolly back into the pony’s pink eyes.

She shrugged. Niko really wished ponies would stop doing that. “Just watchin.’”

“Well go watch someone else,” he growled.

“But what if I wanna’ watch you?” she asked. The cyan pony did a little summersault in the air and landed in front of him.

Niko looked down at the rainbow pony; she didn’t seem daunted by his size at all, which made it all the more creepy. “Look, if I get mad and yell, you better not run away screaming like crazy pink pony.”

“Oh don’t worry, nothing scares me.” She replied haughtily, bringing a foreleg across her front.

“Look, why are you talking to me?” Niko asked dully. “I am just guy tripping in… some weird land of ponies.”

The rainbow pony shrugged again. “Cause you’re different than the other ones.”

“Different?” Niko asked sarcastically. “Of course I am different, everybody else here is pony.” A purple female pony shot him a glare as she walked by. “Stop looking at me like that you purple pest!” he yelled after her.

“No no,” rainbow pony said. “Like, different from the other humans I’ve seen before. You’re like, the only one who hasn’t been eyeballing my flank the whole time drooling.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah,” the cyan pony added. “I’m Rainbow Dash.”

He scoffed. Rainbow Dash glared up at him. “Sorry,” he chuckled. “I am still getting used to name thing.” He looked around at the other ponies, who were still giving him a wide berth. “Niko,” he said, holding out a hand to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash glared at his hand. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” He withdrew his hand quickly. He continued to gaze down on the rainbow colored pony. A thought dawned on him. “I am talking to a rainbow pony,” he muttered absently. He looked up, around at all of the different colored ponies trotting to and fro. “I am talking to a rainbow pony and she is talking back.” The color drained from his face. This was really happening.

“Are you okay there?” Rainbow Dash asked, sounding somewhat worried. “You aren’t looking too good.”

“No,” Niko choked. “I am in land of ponies, talking to ponies…” He looked around at the surrounding town, horror slowly setting in his mind. “And I am not dreaming!” he yelled. Niko made a fist and brought it down hard on his head. The ponies were still there.

“Hey, take it easy.” Rainbow Dash said. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

Niko pointed an accusing finger at the rainbow pony. No!” he yelled. “You are not real!” He spun around in a circle. All the ponies around him were now looking at him. “Stop looking at me!” he bellowed. “You are not real! None of this is real!” Niko turned and ran. He had no idea where he was running or why; but he ran. He sprinted from the main street of the colorful town and into a small alley between two buildings. He looked back. The rainbow pony was following him. “Stay away!” he yelled. Niko turned back in time to see a wooden balcony. The deck was directly at his eye level. Before he could even think about stopping, Niko ran face first into the balcony. He immediately lost all sense of current being.

When he opened his eyes again, he was on the ground. Two rainbow ponies looked down at him with concern. “Now there are two of you!” he yelled in horror. He tried to stand up but was overcome with a sudden wave of dizziness, and was forced back to the ground. Slowly, he pushed himself to a sitting position and propped his back against the wall of a building. He was in a kind of alley, between two shops. The near-evening sun shone down the narrow alley, turning the already bright colors of the town even brighter. He wondered how the sun had seemed to go down so fast. Maybe he had wondered the town for longer than he had thought. He wasn’t sure of anything right now.

His eyes found their focus, and to his immense relief, there was only one Rainbow Dash. “Are you okay?” she asked. “Looks like you hit your head pretty hard.”

Niko only chuckled dryly. “I am not dead. So I must be alright. On the other hand, I am talking to ponies, and I am not dreaming. So, I am not alright.”

“So what, you’re talking to ponies,” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Big whoop, I’m talking to you and you don’t see me yelling and hitting my head on things.” Rainbow Dash sat down beside him. At least, he figured it was stiing. It was the same way a dog or a cat would sit, but he had never seen a pony do it.

It felt weird looking at the rainbow pony from this angle. Niko wasn’t quite so sure about it. When he had been standing, all the ponies had been below him. But now when he was sitting, Rainbow Dash’s big pink eyes were at the same level as his.

“Do you like, need to go to the hospital or something?” she asked skeptically.

“No,” he waved a hand in her direction. “I just have bad headache.” Niko reached into his jacket and felt the familiar square shape. He pulled it out. “Perfect,” he exclaimed.

“What’s perfect?” Rainbow dash looked curiously at the bottle in his hand.

Niko brandished the whiskey bottle happily. “Pain killer.” He uncorked the bottle and took a swig. The strong liquid warmed his throat all the way down to his stomach. Rainbow Dash shot him a questioning glance. “Whiskey,” he clarified.

“kinna’ looks like apple juice to me,” the rainbow pony mused.

Niko laughed. “This is a little different from apple juice.”

She still looked curious. “Mind if I tried some.”

Niko shrugged. “Sure.” He looked around, realizing he had nothing to pour the liquid into. “Have you got cup?” he asked Rainbow Dash. She deadpanned. “Okay, no cup… whatever.” He held out the bottle to the rainbow pony, who clasped it between her front hooves. He was already in the weirdest situation of his life. Sharing a bottle with a pony wasn’t really that strange anymore. “Take little drink,” he warned. He laughed again. He was calling ponies ‘who’s’ and ‘they’ instead of them and that. He really was losing it.

Rainbow Dash raised the bottle and took a sip; she coughed deep in her throat. “That’s not that bad.” She made a face suggesting mild surprise. She took another sip. “Why don’t we have this stuff here?”

Niko took the bottle back. She muttered something in protest but he didn’t hear. “Because if you drink too much you get funny.”

Niko took another swig. Rainbow Dash flew over to him and pulled the bottle from his grasp. “Hey,” he protested. “That’s mine.”

Rainbow Dash landed next to him and took another drink. “You can share,” she said.

“I don’t think you drinking that is best idea,” Niko warned.

The rainbow pony scoffed. “Why, what’s gonna happen?”

* * *

“So listen to this,” Niko chuckled. He flew the empty whiskey bottle in front of him like it was a toy plane. “Back in Liberty City, we have popular video game. All the kids think is best game ever. It called Grand Theft Auto.” He laughed out loud again and Rainbow joined in. “And all you do in this game is drive around in cars and shoot people! And all the kids love it.” Both he and Rainbow broke out in hysterical laughter.

“That game sounds boring,” she slurred. She fixed her gaze on the bottle in his hand. “Hey is there any more of that stuff?” she asked.

“No,” Niko replied. “I think that you drinked it all.”

“No I didn’t,” Rainbow scoffed. “You did. You’re lying, it’s not empty.” She lunged towards him but Niko pushed her away.

Niko looked at his hand and broke out laughing again. “You feel like a marshmallow,” he said.

“What’s that mean?” Rainbow shot him a prying glance.

Niko threw his arms out. The bottle flew from his grasp and broke on the ground. “I don’t know,” he scoffed. “I touch you…” he trailed of, staring at the moon. Niko gave his head a quick shape. “I touch you, and you feel like marshmallow.” Niko stumbled to his feet and stumbled around in a circle.

Rainbow Dash tried to get back at him. “Well you look like a… a mule, that… that walks on two legs. Like a human.” She unfurled her wings and hovered up to level her gaze with his. She lost control and crashed to the ground.

He pointed a finger at Rainbow; she was on her back, staring up at the sky. “You are pretty messed up. I do not think you should be flying.”

“I think I’ll stay here a minute,” she muttered absently, staring up at the sky. Every star reflected in her large eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Niko reassured. “I will carry you.” He bent down and picked up the rainbow pony. He held her in a way so as she was still looking up at the sky, cradled in his arms. He grunted. “You are heavy.”

Rainbow Dash glared at him. “Am not!”

“Are too,” Niko shot back. He took a few steps forward and lost his balance. He lost control of the rainbow pony in his grasp and she fell to the ground. She rolled like a log into a trashcan. Niko stumbled and fell flat on his face.

They picked themselves up, Rainbow giggling madly, and staggered out to the street. “Let me call us cab.” Niko slurred. He pulled out his phone. “Damn,” he swore. “I have no service in ponyland.”

Rainbow Dash giggled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. But you’re funny.”

A yellow pony was passing by pulling a wagon. Niko stuck out an arm, “Hey! Yellowpony!” The pony pulling the cart quickly changed direction. “Yeah! Screw you then!” He hollered after the departing cart. Niko spun in a circle, looking around at the dark town. “I need place to sleep.”

“Oh, I know!” Rainbow said cheerfully. “We can stay at Twilights place. I don’t think I can fly up to my house anyways. I’m feeling a little tipsy.”

Niko’s eyes grew wide. He pointed a finger up to the sky. “You live in the sky?” he asked, dumbstruck.

“Yep,” Rainbow Dash replied proudly. “I live in a cloud home.” Niko broke out laughing. “What’s so funny?” she asked defensively.

“That is why you have your head in clouds.” He gasped in between spurts of laughter.

“Come on.” Rainbow stumbled a few steps down the road. “I’ll take us to Twi’s.”

“Let me guess.” Niko held up a finger. “She is a pony.”

“How’d you know?” Rainbow Dash asked in awe.

“I read your mind,” he answered seriously.

Rainbow scoffed. “I doubt that.”

The two staggered down the street, Rainbow leading them to whoever Twilight was.

“You know what’s funny?” Niko slurred.

The rainbow pony cast him a serious glance. “What?”

“We are going to see pony named Twilight, and right now, it is twilight.” He finished with a hearty laugh. “It is like some sort of irony or something.” Niko laughed and Rainbow joined in. They staggered onwards. About five minutes later Rainbow Dash stopped in front of a tree fashioned as a house.

“Here we are.” She announced.

Niko pointed a disbelieving finger at the tree. “Twilight lives in a tree?” he asked.

“Yep,” she replied, staggering up to the front door. Niko followed, gazing up in awe at the tree house.

“Tree house,” he chuckled to himself. “It is tree, and house.” Rainbow Dash reached out a hoof and banged on the front door. A light flicked on somewhere upstairs. It took a minute for the pony inside to reach the door. When it finally opened, a purple pony with a purple mane stood in the doorway, looking rather aggravated.

“Hey Twi, what’s up.” Rainbow started awkwardly.

Twilight deadpanned. “Rainbow, it’s the middle of the night, what could possibly be so important that it couldn’t wait until morning?” Her gaze looked over rainbow to Niko. “And what’s he doing here? I thought he was still in the hospital.

“They let me out for good behavior,” he slurred.

Rainbow cast a questioning look back at Niko “You were in the hospital,” she slurred. Rainbow turned her attention back to Twilight.” We need a place to stay the night,” Rainbow pleaded. “Please Twilight?”

The purple pony groaned. “Fine, just tonight.” She pushed open the door and stood aside to let rainbow cross into her tree house. Niko chuckled at the thought and followed. As he was entering, he hit his head on the top of the door frame. Rainbow pointed a hoof at him and laughed. Twilight shut the door and turned to face them both.

“Are you okay rainbow?” she asked. “You seem a little… funny.”

“Yeah,” rainbow replied absently, staring up at the ceiling. “Hey Twi?” she asked.

“Yes?” Twilight prodded.

“Does your ceiling always spin like that?”

Twilight looked puzzled. “How could my ceiling be—” She was cut off when Rainbow flopped over on her side. The winged pony snored loudly as Twilight rushed over to her.

She looked worriedly at Niko. “What’s wrong with her?” Twilight demanded.

Niko chuckled. “She had a little too much apple juice.” Twilight glared at him. “It is okay,” he reassured. “She will wake up tomorrow with big headache.” He looked around the room. All around the walls were lined with shelves of books. “Where do I sleep?” he asked. “Because books do not make a good bed.”

“I’ll go get you some blankets.” She muttered, exasperation seeping into her voice.”

Niko shooshed her. “We are in library, you are supposed to be quiet.” He frowned, realizing she had answered his question. “The floor? Okay.” He staggered over to a corner and sat down hard. The floor was good. He lay back and closed his eyes. “Ponies are crazy.” He chuckled to himself.

<Please don’t hurt me.

~Sorren

Part 3

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Three Niko awoke late the next way with a fair headache. He had slept where he had dropped, in a corner against a bookshelf. Someone had thrown a blanket over him. He shrugged the blanket away and pushed himself to his feet. He must have gone out drinking with Roman. “Where is Roman?” he wondered aloud. He was definitely not in the apartment. This was some kind of library. The room was circular. Bookshelves lined the walls and in one place a wooden staircase led to a higher level.

He thought back to his dream. “Ponies,” he laughed to himself, looking around the deserted library. “You are losing it Niko.”

His attention was drawn to footsteps from above. He watched as the person started down the stairs. Niko rubbed his eyes. No, not a person, a pony, a purple pony.

He rubbed his eyes again, hoping for the sight to disappear. He opened his eyes to see the purple pony crossing the floor towards him. Niko threw his arms out at his side and spun in a slow circle. “Great, I am still in dream.”

“Oh good, you’re awake,” the purple pony said in mock-cheeriness. “Now maybe you can tell me why Rainbow Dash is drooling in my bed!” The purple pony kept her voice even until the last four words, which she yelled.

Niko leaned up against a bookshelf, shielding his eyes from the light cast into the room from a nearby window. “I do not know why you would sleep with rainbow pony.” He waved his arm at her dismissively. “I am still trying not to run away screaming because you ponies will not stop talking to me.”

Niko remembered this pony now, the rainbow one had called her Twilight. Twilight glared back at him. “I slept on the floor,” she shot back.

“Oh so you have back kink too?” Niko rubbed a spot on his back.

Twilight shook her head. “How are you handling this pony thing so, well?” she asked curiously. “Honestly I expected a lot more screaming and hitting things from someone like you.”

Niko shrugged. “I don’t know. I am pretty sure this is crazy dream. But running and screaming only get me a headache. So I will just pretend that everything is alright.”

Twilight cocked her head and shot him a curious glance. “I guess that’s one way of dealing with things. But won’t you eventually have a nervous breakdown?”

Niko shook his head. “Already did that yesterday. Now…” he trailed off. “Now I know this is not dream, maybe.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and turned around. “Spike!” she yelled. “Wake up!”

For the first time since he had poofed into existence here, he realized that all the ponies had marks on their flanks. He assumed it was a flank, because so far they were just like horses, but smaller, and softer. He raised a finger and pointed it at the mark on the purple pony’s side. It looked like a star crossed with another star, with sparkles all around it. “Why do you have design on your flank.” he asked her curiously.

Twilight looked back at where his finger was pointing. “Oh that,” she replied simply. “That’s my cutie mark.”

Niko scowled. “You are joking right?”

The purple pony shook her head. “No, not joking. Everypony gets a cutie mark when they find out what makes them unique. It makes them who they are.”

Niko frowned; this was getting way to sentimental. “To me it just looks like ass tattoo.”

Twilight didn’t respond. Instead, she raised a hoof and dropped her face into it. Niko watched her curiously. Horses couldn’t turn a hoof around like that. Maybe it was more pony magic nonsense.

Niko heard the sound of more footsteps and looked for the source. His mouth fell open at the sight of a purple dragon walking towards them. He wasn’t sure whether it was a dragon or not. The thing was only about two feet tall. It didn’t have the features of a dragon Niko had heard of before. Like the ponies, its face was much more rounded with human-like features.

Niko stomped his foot. “No, I am not even used to ponies. Now there are tiny dragon things?”

“Baby dragon,” Twilight corrected.

He waved an arm in her direction. “Whatever, it is midget dragon.”

Niko’s mouth almost dropped clean to the floor when the little purple dragon opened its mouth and began to talk. “So twilight,” it said in a higher pitched voice. “About that letter to Celestia you wanted me to….” He trailed off looking at Niko. The ‘baby’ dragon pointed the quill he was holding at him with a questioning glance. “What’s he doing here?”

Twilight shrugged. “I’m not quite sure, Rainbow brought him here.”

The dragon Niko assumed was Spike shot Twilight a tentative look. “You really want another one here? Remember what happened the last time you had a human here?”

“Yes, yes, I know.” Twilight responded dismissively.

Niko looked up to see Rainbow Dash staggering down the stairs. She reached the bottom and held a hoof to her head. “What did I do last night?” she groaned. Slowly she made her way over to them.

“Hi Rainbow Dash,” Spike greeted cheerfully.

The rainbow pony cringed. “Don’t do that?”

“Do what?” Spike asked.

Rainbow cringed again. “Quiet down a bit,” she replied. “Your voice is driving nails into my brain.”

Spike huffed indignantly. “Well alright then,” he grumbled.

Niko looked around. Well this wasn’t strange at all. He was talking to a unicorn, a flying rainbow pony with a hangover, and a talking baby dragon. Movement from the window caught his eye. A head popped into view and disappeared a moment later. It did it again. Niko squinted to get a better look. The head bobbed into view again. This time he caught its features. It was a teal unicorn pony. It also had teal hair and a single white streak. The head popped up again. Its eyes were focused directly on him.

Niko pointed towards the window. “Who is creepy pony watching me?” he asked.

Twilight looked back at the window and gasped. Her horn glowed purple and the blinds were drawn over the window. “Nothing,” she replied hastily. Niko shot her a prying look. “You don’t want to know,” she added in a ‘don’t ask any more questions’ voice.

Rainbow Dash sunk to the ground and clasped her head in her forehooves. “Did you like, poison me or something?” she moaned.

He held his arms out in a gesture of self-defense. “Do not worry,” he reassured. “You will have headache most of day. But then you will be all better.”

“I sure hope so.” Rainbow stood back up, squinting in the light.

Niko’s stomach growled. He realized he hadn’t had anything to eat since he had been in Liberty. “Do you have food I can eat?” he asked.

Twilight shook her head. “No, not here. You’re going to have to go out to eat.” Niko tried to focus on Twilight, ignoring the baby dragon. This place, it made him want to pull out every hair on his head one by one. Right now he wanted to do nothing more than steal a car and drive down an Alderney sidewalk, listening to easy music to cheer himself up.

“Great,” he scoffed. “So now I have to go out and try to ignore angry looks from all of the ponies outside.” He looked around at them and laughed. “I am actually calling you ponies.” he pointed at Twilight. “And I am talking to you like you are people.”

Twilight gave him a wry look. “We are beings capable of intelligent speech and interactions. So in your case, we would count as people.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Right, three foot tall people who look like ponies.”

“So Twilight, about that letter,” Spike prodded.

“Right,” she levitated the baby dragon onto her back. Niko chuckled at the sight. She looked back at him. “Go out and find yourself something to eat.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” he asked scathingly. “I do not know how crazy-pony-town works.”

“Don’t worry,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’ll show you around.”

Niko frowned. “Are you sure? I know you have big headache.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, swallowing hard. “I’ve hit my head plenty of times. Trust me, I can handle a headache. I’ll be fine.”

He shrugged, still feeling a little uncomfortable. “Okay, I will let you show me place to eat.”

* * *

Niko walked through the town with Rainbow Dash. This part of the town was lined with shops and stores. Various ponies of all different colors trotted to and fro. Niko tried to keep his head down and act inconspicuous, which wasn’t very easy considering he was almost three feet taller than all of them. He looked around at the various booths and concession stands. “I’m guessing you have no burger joint?” he asked the rainbow pony to his left.

She replied with a curious glance. “No,” he said for her. “Okay, what do you think?”

Rainbow thought for a moment. “Well I know you humans don’t really like our food. I guess you could try Sugarcube Corner. They do baked goods and stuff.” Niko shrugged. “Come on, let’s stop by. Pinkie works there, maybe we can say hi.”

“Wait one minute.” Niko held out a foot to stop the rainbow pony. She glared for a moment then unfurled her wings and hovered up to his level. “You mean crazy pink pony with cotton candy afro that got in fight with desk fan?”

Rainbow frowned. “That first part fits but I don’t know about the second. But yeah, that’s her.”

“I do not want to talk with pink pony. If I do, I may accidently throw her through a wall.”

Rainbow laughed. “So I guess you’ve already met her. Don’t worry,” she reassured. “I’ll keep her in line.” She flew ahead and gestured for him to follow. Niko cut around throngs of ponies following Rainbow Dash. He wished they’d all stop looking at him. Pretty soon he was going to get mad and kick one. Then things were going to get nasty. He missed his guns. Niko picked up the pace to keep up with the rainbow pony. He had to jog just to keep up. It was like the pony didn’t know how to slow down.

Niko looked down at his pocket in surprise when his phone started ringing. He pulled it out and checked the caller ID. “Hello?” he answered.

“Hey cousin, it is your cousin. How about we go bowling?”

“What? Roman? How did you call me?” Niko slowed down to speak. He wanted to keep jogging but it felt like some unknown force was preventing him from doing so.

“Well I picked up my phone and I dialed your number. How the hell else would I call you? So would you like to go bowling?”

Niko scowled at the phone. “No Roman I cannot go bowling right now. I am stuck in land of ponies.”

Roman laughed on the other end of the line. “Okay, I see, you are a Jacob’s. It is okay. Me and Brucie are having too much fun anyways. We are sitting here on the street, laughing at fat American girls when they walk out of the Burger Shot.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Roman, now is not the time.”

Niko heard Brucie’s voice over the phone. “Yeah baby, shake that bacon! You’re gonna have to run a marathon to work off those cankles!”

“See how much fun we are having!” Roman exclaimed. “You should really join us…” He trailed off. “Oh shit Brucie that one has a knife.”

“Roman, I need your help.” Niko pressed urgently.

He heard Brucie’s voice again. “Oh what are you gonna do piggy? Fall on me?”

“Brucie I do not think we should be taunting her. She looks angry.” Roman replied nervously.

Niko stood listening. “I’m going to gut you fat boy!” He heard a woman yell.

“Holy shit Brucie run!” Roman yelled.

“Oh yeah! Look at that piggy shake the bacon roman! Yeah!” came Brucie’s voice.” Niko could hear their footfalls and romans labored breathing over the phone. He could hear shouted insults from the lady as well.

“I am sorry Niko, I’m going to have to call you back!” Roman yelled into the phone.

“No wait Roman!” the line went dead. “Shit!” He went to redial the number but there was no service.

Rainbow Dash had stopped to wait for him. “Who was that?”

“Roman,” he replied angrily. A couple ponies had stopped to look at him curiously during his conversation with Roman. “What are you looking at? Go on, get out of here!” The ponies shied away. One of them muttered something under their breath that Niko didn’t catch.

“Friendly one aren’t you.” Rainbow chided.

Niko shot her a glare. “I do not like it when people look at me funny. When ponies look at me funny, their eyes are even bigger. It makes me want to throw grenade at soccer mom mini-van.”

“Take it easy,” Rainbow Dash nudged his shoulder with a hoof. “It’s not like we’re going to eat you or something.” She hesitated. “Unless of course you look tasty enough.”

“What?” Niko gawked at her.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” She added hurriedly. “You aren’t very good with jokes are you?”

Niko threw his arms out. “Look, I am in land of ponies. This is all one big joke. So jokes look serious.”

“I guess that kinda makes sense.” Rainbow mused. She pointed a hoof ahead of them. “Look, Sugarcube Corner is right up there.”

Niko laughed, pointing at the building ahead. “It looks like giant gingerbread house. There is no witch inside to eat me is there?”

The rainbow pony shot him a questioning look. “Was that supposed to be a joke?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Yes, but it was bad joke.”

They walked on to the bakery in silence. When they reached the house, Rainbow Dash led him into the store.

“Oh why hello.” A blue pony with a pink mane greeted them. Her eyes fell on Niko and they brightened a little. “I’m taking it you’re to try my cakes.”

Niko shrugged. “Sure,” he replied, digging his hands into his coat pockets.

“Hi Mrs. Cake,” Rainbow said. “Your cakes are the only things humans like,” she said jokingly.

“Oh I know,” she replied cheerfully. “But after all, everypony likes my cakes. I guess humans aren’t any exception, even if we only have had a couple of them here.”

“Where’s Pinkie?” Rainbow asked. Niko just watched awkwardly as the ponies spoke, not wanting to intrude, or even be a part of it. One day he had been shooting mobsters and stealing cars, the next he was listening to ponies talking about cakes. It was a funny thought, and terrifying thought.

“Oh, she’s locked herself in the bedroom. Doesn’t really surprise me,” Mrs. Cake replied.

Rainbow nodded in understanding.

“Hurray,” Niko cheered sarcastically. “I do not have to throw pink pony through wall.”

Mrs. Cake looked a little skeptical while Rainbow Dash laughed. She lowered herself down to the floor and folded her wings. “I think I’m here to get something too. I’m starving.”

Niko stepped forward casually to look at the food selection. From what was at the counter he had the choice between cakes, muffins, cupcakes, or more cupcakes. “Is this all you ponies eat?” he asked.

“For sweets, mostly,” Mrs. Cake replied.

Niko chuckled, again. He noticed he seemed to be laughing and chuckling at everything. “No wonder you all feel like marshmallows,” he murmured. He continued before any of the two ponies could respond. “I will take the cupcakes, two please.”

“That’ll be three bits,” she replied formally

Niko dug out his wallet and sorted through the contents. “Um, can you break hundred?” he asked hopefully.

Rainbow Dash snorted and trotted over to him. She butted him in the leg. “I forgot, you don’t have money. Don’t worry, I got this.” She looked over to Mrs. Cake. “Throw in another cupcake.”

“Sure thing Rainbow Dash,” the catering pony replied. “Since it’s for you and our new visitor, I’ll knock off two bits.”

“Hey thanks,” Rainbow replied. She produced two golden metal coins and set them on the table. She nosed them over to Mrs. Cake.

Niko shot a confused look at Rainbow Dash. He pointed a finger to the coins, and then to the cyan pony. “Where did you get coins from?”

She just shrugged. “Don’t try to figure it out, we’re ponies.”

Mrs. Cake passed them a tray with three white frosting cupcakes on it. “Enjoy,” she smiled at them.

Skeptically, Niko picked one of them up. “So if I eat this, I’m not like going to turn into a pony or anything, right?”

“No,” Rainbow Dash laughed. “Just eat it, it’s good.” She picked up the tray in her mouth and carried it over to a nearby table.

Niko took a bite of the cupcake. He nodded approvingly. “This is good cupcake.”

The front door jingled and Niko turned to see a white mare walk in the door. He had found out that female ponies were called mares, just like horses. Her purple mane actually looked like it had been curled. Did ponies curl their hair?

“Hey there Rarity,” Rainbow Dash greeted.

The white mare turned to greet Rainbow but froze at the sight of Niko. Her eyes traveled his body’s length and she shuddered. “That is absolutely ghastly.”

Niko inspected himself before shooting a glare at the newcomer. “What is wrong?” he asked, motioning towards himself. He took another bite of the cupcake.

“Those clothes,” she replied. She approached him and trotted around his legs in a little circle, clicking her tongue in disapproval. Niko felt the strongest urge to slap the unicorn away. She examined his jacket and gasped. “Is that leather?” she asked in disbelief.

Niko cocked an eyebrow. “Yes, is there problem?”

“Yes,” she replied as if the answer was obvious. “You’re wearing an animal.”

Rainbow Dash stopped midway through a bite of cupcake. “Wha?” she mumbled.

“Leather is the dried skin of an animal.” Rarity replied repulsively.

Rainbow spit out the chunk of cupcake she had been chewing and looked at Niko. “Dude,” she balked. “That’s not cool.”

Niko looked back and forth at the two mares. “It is popular human thing.”

Repulse shone in the white mare’s face. “I knew humans were foul but, wearing animals? That’s terrible.”

“Look I’m sorry. I did not think leather was big deal.” Niko was starting to get angry. Reprimand was the last thing that he needed right now. He shoved the rest of the cupcake in his mouth.

Rarity lifted her chin indignantly. “I simply must take you back to my place and get you out of that abominable attire.”

Niko shook his head. “You are not touching my clothes.”

“No,” she replied forcibly. “If you are going to be stomping around Ponyville you aren’t going to do it looking like a walking abomination.”

“So now I am ugly!” Niko raised his voice, causing both Mrs. Cake and Rarity to cringe.

The white mare lowered herself down. “No,” she said, putting on an unconvincing smile.

Niko took an intimidating step towards her. “Let us play game of kick the pony.” He bashed his head on a roof beam. “Shit!” he yelled. He doubled over and held his forehead with both hands. “Why do I always hit my fucking head on things!?” He stomped around in a circle, swearing. “Fucking ponies! Build bigger roofs!” He bellowed at the ceiling.

“Hey man, take it easy.” Rainbow Dash said nervously.

Niko pointed a finger at her. “You shut up! I will not hit you because you are kind of cool.” He glared around at the little store. He heard footsteps somewhere above him but didn’t acknowledge them. He looked back to Rainbow. “If a drug addict found coloring book and box of crayons, you are his drawing!”

The cyan pony unfurled her wings to fly up to his eye level. “What’s your problem?” she asked angrily.

“My problem?” he asked, laughing. “My problem is that I am trapped in ponyland and the only reason I know I am not dreaming is because I have hit my head two fucking times and I am still awake!” He screamed the last eight words at the top of his lungs. A green pony who had been entering the store slowly backed away. He pointed at the retreating green mare. “That’s right! You get out of here you moldy marshmallow!”

The whole bakery rang with a loud bwong and Niko swayed. He keeled over and flopped face down on the floor. A pink pony stood behind where he had fallen on the serving counter, a cooking pot in her mouth.

Rarity took a step away from unconscious human. “Well,” she huffed. “I’m glad that’s over.”

Rainbow touched down next to the counter and folded her wings. “Pinkie, you knocked him out,” she said to the pink pony.

“Well duh!” she replied. The pot fell from her mouth and clattered to the floor, causing Rainbow to cringe. “He was going all crazy and stuff and I could see that things were going to get nasty. And they did.” She pointedly sat down on the countertop.

“I don’t know,” Rainbow prodded the unconscious form with a hoof. “He really hates getting hit in the head. Are you sure hitting him in the back of the head with a pot was the best idea?”

Pinkie Pie hopped down from the counter. “I don’t know. But I’m going to go back to hiding in my room before he wakes up. Bye!” And with that she darted off back into the store.

Rarity nervously looked down at the unconscious form of Niko. “Well now what?” she asked skeptically.

Rainbow looked thoughtful for a moment. “Anypony got a rope?” she asked.

Wow, I never expected this to get so popular. I have done nothing but smile for the past two days. Thanks everypony! ~Sorren

Part 4

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Four Niko opened his eyes find himself once more in a library. The very same library he had left earlier today. “My head hurts,” he mumbled absently to himself. He went to raise his hand to rub the sore spot on the back of his head. But his arm didn’t move. He tried with the other, it didn’t move either. “What the hell?” he wondered aloud. He was sitting on a cushion, up against a bookshelf.

He moved his hands experimentally and realized they were tied. His hands were tied around his back through the rungs of a ladder. “Hey,” he called out. “Why am I tied to ladder?” There was no answer. The library was completely quiet.

He looked around at where he was sitting. A single white frosted cupcake sat on a plate by his side. The word ‘Sorry’ was stenciled on the top in rainbow colored frosting.

There was something smaller below it written in pink frosting. Niko had to squint to read it. ‘I’m really sorry I snuck up behind you and hit you in the back of the head with a cooking pot. But you were like totally freaking out and stuff and scaring my friends and then I got scared so I thought I’d hit you in the back of the head with a cooking pot. Sorry! ~Pinkie Pie.’ The sentence was finished with a little smiley face.

“What the fuck?” he voiced aloud. “Whole sentence is written on cupcake.” He realized he was still hungry, considering he hadn’t had time to finish eating at the bakery.

Niko reached out to grab the cupcake. Or at least, he imagined himself reaching out to grab it. What really happened was his hands coming to a stop against the wooden frame of the ladder. “Hey!” he yelled. “Untie me! I can’t eat my fucking cupcake!” Still no response. He pulled hard against the ladder behind him; it didn’t budge.

The front door opened and Niko snapped his head around to see who it was. A yellow pony stood in the doorway; her pink mane obscured half her face.

“Oh, am I intruding?” she asked quietly, looking quite nervous.

Niko shook his head. “No, I am just sitting here tied to wall.”

“Oh, okay,” the yellow pony said hesitantly. Niko could see now that she was a pegasus. “Is Twilight here? I wanted to talk to her about something?”

“You mean purple pony?” Niko drawled.

She gave a tiny nod, stepping a little further into the room. She closed the door behind her and gave him a worried look. “Yes,” she replied quietly.

“I do not know,” he replied evenly.

She looked at him for a minute. Niko was just about to say something. Her eyes were really starting to creep him out. “Um, may I ask why you’re tied to a wall?” she asked hesitantly. “If that’s okay.”

Niko half chuckled half snorted. “I do not know. I get mad in bakery, get hit in head, and wake up tied to a wall.”

The yellow pony blushed. “Oh well that sounds…. bad.” She finished lamely. She looked around the room awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Niko.

“So what is your name?” Niko said dully, poking at conversation to keep him occupied. That and away from the unreachable cupcake by his side.

The pony stated her name but all that Niko could make out was “Flu.” The rest of it was just gibberish.

“I did not hear you,” he pressed.

“Fluttershy,” she answered, this time loud enough for him to hear.

Niko rolled his eyes. Of course it would be that. “Nice to meet you Fluttershy.” He nodded towards her, considering he couldn’t reach out his hand. “I am Niko.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Niko.” Fluttershy blushed harder and turned her head away, examining a very interesting section of bookshelf. Niko went back to glaring at the cupcake he could not reach.

The door opened again. This time four ponies entered the library-house-tree-thing. He recognized three of them as Twilight, Rainbow, and the evil pink one. But there was a third orange one he didn’t recognize. She was wearing a cowboy hat.

Niko hung his head and laughed at the sight. “You ponies wear hats too?” He looked around at all of them in turn. Anger surged through every nerve in his body but he covered it up with laughter. “Do you guys wear fancy dresses to ball to?” he laughed pointing his accusing finger like a gun.

“Well,” Rainbow started slowly.

Niko laughed once; it was more a taunt than a laugh. “You do! Ponies wear clothes!” He laughed until tears filled his eyes and he was forced to look down into his lap. He looked up at Pinkie Pie, pure rage filled his mind. “I am going to kill you!” he bellowed. Fluttershy squeaked and lowered herself to the ground. The pony wearing the cowboy hat took a defensive step forward. “You hit me in head with frying pan!” He pulled hard on the ladder, hearing the wood creak.

The pink pony giggled. “Well actually,” she drug out the word actually so that it took her a whole four seconds to say it. “I hit you in the head with a cooking pot. But yeah, sorry about that. You were being a meanie.”

Niko trembled with anger. This pony had hit him in the back of the head with a pot. And now she was laughing about it. He threw his whole body forward and the ladder came free from the wall with a splintering crack. He stood up slowly, trying to put as much intimidation into his angry gaze as possible. The ladder fell over sideways and thudded to the ground. The bottom half was held in the air by his arms. “Now you have made me angry,” he spoke lowly. Now that he was free he felt that he didn’t have to yell.

The orange pony with the cowboy hat stepped between him and Pinkie “Ya’ll need to calm down.”

He stepped forward; the ladder dragging behind him. “You shut up redneck pony!” he yelled. Never mind, he was still yelling. “I have business to settle with the pink one.”

Pinkie Pie took a step away from him. Niko lunged at her. With his hands still tied behind his back, he chased her around the room, dragging the ladder in his wake.

Rainbow Dash flew up into the air jeering at the two of them as they ran circles around the library.

“Come back here,” he gasped. “I just want to choke you with apology cupcake.”

“No way,” she called back. “You can’t hurt me with a cupcake!” she chortled. “Maybe broccoli, but never cupcakes!”

“Fine then!” he improvised. “I will go to get vegetables and choke you with broccoli!” As he made another round around the room, the cowboy hat pony jumped on the ladder he was dragging behind him, adding significant weight to his load. He looked back angrily, still trying to run. “Get off of my ladder!”

“Not until ya’ stop chasin’ Pinkie Pie!”

He slowed to down so he could glare back at the orange pony, which was hard because she was directly behind him. “But she hit me with pot.” He turned to scowl at the pink pony, who was no longer running. Niko stopped running, sensing the stupidity of what he was doing. He flopped stood, regaining his breath.

“Look,” he said dully. “I am sorry for chasing crazy pony and threatening to kill her with broccoli and cupcakes. I have just had really shitty day.” He laughed at his own suspense. “I promise I will not try to kill pink pony again.”

The orange pony on the ladder looked into his eyes for a second. She nodded once. “I can tell ya’ are tellin’ the truth.” She hopped off his ladder and trotted up to him. “Name’s Applejack.”

“Niko,” he replied in monotone. He gave an annoyed tug on the ladder and the rung broke free. Niko pulled his hands in opposite directions and the ropes came unraveled. He rubbed his wrists. “Of course, now the ladder breaks.”

Rainbow landed next him and nudged his waist with a hoof. “That was awesome,” she laughed.

He looked down at her curiously. “Why are you only pony that does not make me angry?” he asked her.

She shrugged. “Not sure, maybe I’m just that cool.”

Niko’s phone started ringing. “One second,” he said to the five ponies in the room. He turned his back on the curious looking ponies and crossed to the other side of the room.

“What’s that noise makin’ thing?” Applejack asked.

“I think he likes, talk to people on it,” Rainbow replied

The caller ID read Jacob. “Hello?”

“Aye Niko mah bruddah how’s ah hangin?” The voice of Jacob exclaimed.

Niko laughed. “Not so good my friend. I have been walking around in strange land talking to ponies.”

Jacob was silent on the line for a minute. “Aye Niko ave’ ya’ got inna’ my stuff mon?”

Niko laughed again. “I do not know, but shit is pretty fucked up. But I do not know how to get out of here.”

“Niko mon, it be okay, I mean I go a blah bleh blah blah, ya know ababidaba blah Niko mon an then ya go an bawalah blah. Cause wit da bilop ahabach mah blah heabah. Ya get what ahm sayin Niko mon?”

Niko nodded in understanding. “Yes Jacob, thank you for advice.”

“Look Niko, I got ta go, a blah meh cheka habbal a smoke while drivin.”

Jacob hung up on his end. Niko looked at the phone, then to the little X over the service bar. “This is making my head hurt.” He pocketed his phone and clapped his hands together. He turned to face the ponies. “Okay, I have had good talk with my friend Jacob. And I will try not to get angry. But if pink pony hits me again, I will get angry.”

Pinkie Pie nodded and smiled. “Don’t worry I won’t.”

“And stop smiling at me,” he commanded. “It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Now what?” Twilight murmured. “We can’t just let him sit around all day. I don’t want to see what happens if he gets bored.”

“I am standing right here,” Niko casually informed. “Talking about me as if I am big trouble does not make me feel good.”

“Maybe we could put im’ to work on something?’” Applejack suggested.

Niko shrugged. “I can work.”

The five ponies murmured their approval. “Do I get paid?” Niko asked.

“Sure, if you like pony money.” Applejack replied. “We don’t have none of your paper money stuff.”

“So what?” Niko rolled his eyes. “Do I just walk around town asking for job?”

* * *

“Excuse me,” Niko asked a blue unicorn. “I need job. Do you have job for me?” She shook her head at him and trotted away. Niko spun in a slow circle, looking around the market. That was the fourth pony who he had asked. So far she had been the one to turn him down in the nicest way. He was giving it all he had not to lose his temper. They were just ponies. There is no good reason to get mad at colorful mini horses. Niko spotted another target. It was a pink mare with a darker pink mane and tail. Her cutie-mark-thing was of a vine of grapes and a strawberry. She was struggling with a basket full to the brim with grapes. The mare overbalanced and almost fell on her face. She set the basket down and looked around.

Niko walked up to her. “Do you need help with basket?”

She looked up at him nervously, then around the square of ponies, then back to him. “Sure,” she said, sounding somewhat surprised.

Niko picked up the basket, which was surprisingly heavy. “Say,” the mare said. “Aren’t you that human that Twilight found in a ditch a day or two ago?”

Niko nodded. “Yes,” he replied evenly. He shifted the basket of grapes in his grasp. “Why do you need so many grapes?” he asked. “Is there going to be some sort of grape extermination?”

She laughed at that. “No, I use them.”

Niko hefted the heavy basket. “For what?”

“Stuff,” she replied defensively.

Niko would have held up his arms, but he was carrying the basket. “Okay,” he instead replied. “I was just wondering why pony would want so many grapes.” Niko felt awkward. The mare wasn’t quite being friendly towards him. “You are not going to like, bathe in these, are you?” he asked half-jokingly.

She shot him a wry look. “I may indulge in them; but I certainly don’t plan to take a bath with them.”

Niko frowned. “What is your name?”

“Berry Punch,” she replied hesitantly.

“I am Niko,” he replied lamely.

“Well um…” Berry punch looked around awkwardly. “Nice to meet you… Niko.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Look, I am carrying heavy basket for grape bath. You could at least not act like I am going to steal your grapes.” Niko looked down at Berry Punch. Something in her gaze told him that he would not be stealing her grapes, even if he wanted to. “I am carrying grapes for berry pony.” Niko chuckled to himself. His phone started ringing. “One second,” he told the mare.

He set down the basket and pulled out his phone. Berry Punch tapped her hoof impatiently. “Hello?” he asked the phone.

“Hey Carl, it’s Sweet, I’m in a lot of trouble here man, I need your help!”

“I am sorry,” Niko replied. “I think you have wrong number.” He hung up the phone. Niko bent down and picked up the basket again. “Sorry,” he apologized to berry punch. “It was phone call.” She shot him a curious look and they set off again. Niko let the pink mare lead, due to the fact he had no idea where he was going.

“This way,” She said, turning of the main street and heading down a walkway. Niko looked at the house the mare was approaching. He rolled his eyes. He couldn’t even tell the difference between a house and… whatever else it was that ponies had for buildings. He had no idea what the building in front of him was. Berry Punch held open the door for him. Niko ducked down, making sure not to hit his head on the roof, and entered the house-thing.

“Thanks for the help,” Berry said.

“Do not mention it,” Niko replied, looking around the small room. “You do have knack for furnishings.” On the far wall of the dank room was a shelf stocked with bottles. Niko walked over to the shelf, intent on examining its contents.

“Oh, don’t mind those,” she said dismissively.

Niko looked at the deep red liquid in one of the bottles. “You have wine?” he asked in surprise.

Berry turned towards him. She looked both glad at being addressed yet annoyed at it. “Yes,” she replied casually.

“I did not think ponies had alcohol.” Niko picked up a bottle and examined it. It had no label.

“Yeah well, most don’t.” She trotted up to the shelf and pulled out a bottle filled with a more purple liquid. She crossed to a table, already set with a glass, and poured herself a generous ration.

Niko remembered the whiskey of his first night in ponyland. He missed it quite thoroughly. He pointed a curious finger at the shelf. “May I ask,” he started, attempting to sound casual. Berry turned to gaze curiously at him. “If I help you rest of day, can I have a bottle… or two?”

The pink mare looked thoughtful for a moment. “I don’t see why not,” she mused. Niko silently thanked himself for asking. “You can help me in the winery. Normally I do it all by myself, some help would be nice.”

Niko nodded. “It sounds like fair deal.” He anticipated drinking the alcohol. Maybe he would even see if the rainbow pony wanted some.

<I got around to writing this next part. Sooner or later I'm going to have to find a way to wrap it up. I'm starting to run out of ideas. <Please, feel free to comment. I like to know what ponies think about my stories. <I urge you all to check out my other stories. This is not the only thing i have put effort into.

Part 5

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part Five

Niko and Rainbow walked along the outskirts of town, near the edge of the forest. Despite the amount of wine he had consumed, Niko only had a slight buzz. While Berry’s wine was, to his surprise, very good, it wasn’t very high on alcohol. It seemed more like slightly alcoholic grape juice than wine. It was good, but nothing like the whiskey on his first night here.

Rainbow however, proved to have been more affected by the sweet drink. She walked, slightly unsteadily, by his side.

She looked up at him and frowned. “Why do you have to be so tall?” She wondered. “Look at you.” She waved a hoof at him and almost lost her balance. She staggered forward clumsily to regain herself. “You’re like two ponies, then another one cut in half, all stacked on top of each other.”

Niko shrugged. “What can I say? I am big guy.”

“You got that,” she agreed. “You and your dead animal jacket.”

“Look, I am sorry for wearing dead animal. But I have to say, it is comfortable.”

Rainbow gazed up at him intently for a minute before bursting out in laughter. “You’re weird.” Niko joined in, although he didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he was in one of his better moods.

“Okay, I have question for you.” He looked curiously at the rainbow pony, who nodded for him to continue. “I have seen color of every pony all around town. But why are you every color of pony in one?”

Rainbow looked thoughtful for a minute, seriously contemplating the question. She stood up tall and brought a forehoof across her front. “Cause’ I’m Rainbow Dash,” she replied haughtily. “I’m just cool like that.”

Niko nodded slowly. “That is understandable.”

A loud boom sounded from the skies above. Niko jumped. Rainbow let out a startled yell and tripped. Niko held out a quick hand and managed to fasten it in her mane. It kept the mare form landing on her face. Instead she half-fell to the ground and rolled onto her side. Niko released her mane, not wanting to pull out any of the rainbow strands.

She scrambled to her hooves and looked around frantically. “What was that?”

Niko looked around. “You mean big boom in sky?” He glanced up curiously for the source.

“Yeah, that one.” Rainbow looked up at the starry sky. She pointed a hoof to a patch of sky over the forest. “What are those lights?” she asked.

Niko looked to where she was pointing. He could see both red and green blinking lights against the night sky. That and they were rapidly moving towards Niko and Rainbow. He could hear a certain unnatural sound now. A dark silhouette formed, blocking out a section of starlight.

“What the hay is that thing?” Rainbow wondered aloud.

Niko figured out what it was. He knew that sound well. “It is helicopter,” he answered.

Rainbow cast him a curious glance. “Heliwhatnow?”

The sound of the enclosing flying machine was now almost deafening in the quiet night air. The unique “thwacka thwacka thwacka” of the rotor blades sliced through the air. He could also identify the high pitched whine of the rotary mechanism and the lower, more guttural roar of the engine. The shape came close enough to be viewed and Niko saw that it was, in fact, a helicopter. A blue Maverick to be precise.

The helicopter blared by, no more than ten feet over their heads. It banked around, curving through the air and sending a groan of protest through the rotor blades. Niko had no idea why a helicopter would be here of all places. He was slightly worried. Something was wrong with the helicopter. It flew by to their left, heading back towards the forest. Niko got a good look at it. The whole machine turned sideways in the air and dropped dangerously towards the ground. It regained control and lifted back up to about fifty feet.

“That is not good.” Niko muttered.

Rainbow Dash shot him a worried glance. “Why, what’s wrong?”

“Helicopter is going to crash.” The tail section was badly bent and black smoke billowed from the exhaust vents above the engine. Flame licked the edges of the motor casing. Niko could hear the misfiring of the engine. “Come on,” he said hurriedly, running after the crippled helicopter.

“Hey,” Rainbow called out. In a bolt of rainbow color she was by his side. Niko had to awe at the sight. He had never seen her do that trick before.

The helicopter drifted almost lazily out over the forest to be hidden from view by the dense foliage. Niko ran into the trees, tracking it by sound rather than sight. A moment later, he heard the runners brushing the treetops. This was followed by a deafening crash. The sound of breaking tree limbs and carnage filled the air.

A six foot shard of rotor blade whirled through a gap in the trees and embedded itself in a tree trunk.

He skidded to a stop to marvel at the sight. “Holy shit,” he whispered to himself.

“Hey!” Rainbow waved a hoof at him. “Didn’t you hear me? I said you probably shouldn’t go running out into the Everfree forest at night.” Niko was amazed at how well the mare had seemed to sober up in a state of urgency.

“Why not?” Niko asked. He doubled over, refreshing his breath. Feeling slightly less winded, he set off again.

Rainbow flew at his side. “Because,” she replied importantly. “Bad things live in here.”

Niko smirked. “I thought you were not scared of anything.”

“Yeah, well…” Rainbow struggled for words. “Well… most ponies are scared of the Everfree forest.”

Niko didn’t reply. He could see the wreck through the trees. Ahead, lodged up against the trunk of a monster tree, was the mangled body of the Maverick. The tail section was caught in a branch fifty feet above. The nose of the helicopter was up in the air, propped against the tree. One of the runners had been torn off, along with half of the aluminum paneling on the underbelly. Smoke still poured from the damaged engine. A vital beeping came from the cockpit. Both front windows had been shattered.

“Jeez,” Rainbow said. “That thing crashes harder than I do.”

The door to the cockpit swung open and a human shape flopped out onto the ground. Niko ran over to help, but the man was already climbing to his feet. He wore tan slacks and a black shirt patterned with various squares and circles. He had short, brown receding hair that had previously been combed. He also sported a goatee.

“Roman!?” Niko gasped.

“Niko!” he called cheerfully. Pain tinged his voice. Niko thought he looked pretty good for having just climbed out of a crashed helicopter.

Niko looked around in confusion. “Roman, what are you doing here?”

Roman scratched his head. There were several small cuts on his face and his left eye was slowly going red. “I do not know.” He laughed once but it ended with a moan. “It is hard to explain.”

“Here.” Niko took his cousin’s arm and led him away from the crash. Rainbow watched silently all the while. “Sit down before you fall over,” he commanded. He helped Roman take a seat against a tree and sat down to face him.

“Shit my head hurts,” Roman groaned. He was caressing his arm as if it were hurt as well. “I must be dizzy. All of the colors look like coloring book.

Rainbow trotted over curiously and sat down beside Niko. Niko still felt awkward when he was at the same eye level of a pony.

Roman looked at the cyan pegasus and his eyebrow disappeared into his hairline, which was quite a task, considering it had receded a few inches in the years. He tilted his head to the side and his jaw fell open.

“Do not say anything,” Niko whispered to Rainbow. “He is in shock. Talking pony might kill him.” She nodded and said nothing.

Roman continued to balk at Rainbow Dash. Finally, he waved his good arm dismissively at her. “Bah!” he exclaimed. “I must have hit my head.” He chuckled. “Right Niko?”

“Roman?” Niko persisted.

“Yes cousin?” Roman shot another look at Rainbow Dash, probably wondering why she was still there.

“What happened? Why were you flying helicopter?”

Roman raised a finger like a college teacher about to begin a lecture. “It is funny story actually, that I will tell you.” He waited, finger still poised.

Niko made an impatient gesture for him to continue.

“Okay, okay.” Roman held up his arms defensively. He winced and quickly caressed his injured arm. “Let’s see, how should I put this? Oh yes.” Roman positioned himself in a more comfortable position. “It all started early this morning,” he began. “Brucie calls me on cellular phone and says, ‘Hey Roman, let us go for helicopter ride with prostitutes,’ but not like that. He says it the way Brucie would say it. So of course, I say yes.”

Niko looked over at Rainbow. She scrunched her face curiously and mouthed, “prostitutes?” Niko waved a dismissive hand at her and focused back on Roman’s story.

“So I drive over to Brucie’s place and we go up in helicopter. We were flying around big fat green lady with coffee cup when the controls went all crazy. I know this because Brucie started screaming at the helicopter. So I sit in passenger seat and scream while Brucie screams trying to fly broken helicopter. Then Brucie gets really mad because it will not work and hits his head on steering wheel and passes out.” Roman laughed once. “I am sorry,” he apologized. “This should not be funny.” Roman took a minute to regain himself. After a moment, he continued. “So Brucie is asleep in pilot seat, the girls are in back of helicopter screaming, I am screaming. So now I am stuck in broken helicopter with two screaming hookers. The helicopter starts flying funny and we crash into coffee cup. Now this next part is pretty bad. One of the girls comes out of helicopter and gets her head in the propeller on top. Next thing I know blood is spraying all over the place and other hooker is screaming even louder and Brucie is drooling on steering wheel.”

Rainbow gasped. Niko looked over at her. The cyan pony seemed to be rather unnerved by Roman’s story. He reached out a hand and patted her on the head. She frowned for a second then shot him a thankful glance.

Roman paid them no attention, not even bothering to stop his story. “…so I scream to other hooker, ‘Get out of here and stop screaming in my ear!’ So she grabs Brucie and they both fall out of helicopter.” He paused. “But this is where things get weird. Helicopter comes back around and flies at big statues boobs. And all I can think is, ‘Oh my god I am going motorboat the fat ugly boobies of this ugly green piece of Liberty City propaganda in a helicopter and die.’ So helicopter hits fat boobies and I close my eyes. But instead of crash, I hear big boom. But I do not die. So I open my eyes and it is all dark out. Then I fly around here for a minute and crash.” Roman clapped his hands together with satisfaction, then winced. “The end,” he finished climactically.

Niko looked over at Rainbow, who looked like she didn’t know whether to be shocked or confused.

Roman had started to gaze off into space. He put on a false smile. “This is really bad.” He chuckled. “Isn’t it?”

Rainbow stood up and stretched her wings. Roman pointed a slightly irritated finger at her. “Niko, please tell me why pony with Brucie paintjob is still here?”

Niko sighed and looked at rainbow. She looked back. He nodded.

She turned and addressed Roman. “Because I’m real.”

Roman blinked in surprise. “It speaks!” he exclaimed. “The midget horse speaks!?” Rainbow glared.

“It is okay,” Niko reassure Roman. “After little while you get used to it.”

“You know,” Rainbow said persistently. “We really shouldn’t be hanging around the Everfree forest, especially at night.”

Roman laughed. Niko assumed he still wasn’t taking the situation seriously. “What?” he chuckled. “It’s not like there are any big scary monsters or something.”

Rainbow laughed nervously. “Actually, there are.”

Niko raised an eyebrow at her. “Ponies have monsters? I thought all ponies do is eat vegetables and be nice to each other.”

Rainbow laughed sincerely this time. “Oh no, we have monsters. Let’s see…” She rolled her eyes to the top of her skull, thinking. “There are dragons, Minotaurs, water serpents, Timberwolves, Discord; but there’s only one of him. Parasprites are kinda’ like monsters… Yeah.” She finished. “We got plenty of monsters.”

Roman pushed himself to his feet. “Niko,” he said, rubbing his head. “Could you please tell me what the hell is going on? We are standing in the middle of forest talking to rainbow painted mini-horse.”

“She is a pony,” Niko corrected. “They do not like being called horses.”

Roman looked at his cousin as if he had gone crazy. “Niko, you are talking about it as if it is a person.” He snorted. “Did you get into Jacob’s stuff?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “No Roman, you know I don’t like Jacob’s stuff.” To make a point, he bent down and picked up Rainbow.

“Hey!” she protested.

“I am trying to make point,” he reassured. He hefted the indignant pony and walked over to Roman. “See, look.” He held out Rainbow Dash like one would a gift basket. She still didn’t seem too keen about being held by him. “She is real. She talks like person. She acts like person. She has feelings like person. She is person.” Niko could hardly believe what he was saying himself. Only two days ago he had been acting the way Roman was now. He knew now that ponies were people. Well, they weren’t actually people, but the human equivalent of people. It was crazy, only two days with the little ponies and he was treating them just like he would a kind hearted person.

“Niko,” Roman said seriously. He paused for a minute, looking him in the eye. “It! Is! A! Little! Horse!” He waved his arms around. Annunciating his speech and pausing after every word.

Niko sighed. “You will understand eventually.”

“Could you put me down now?” Rainbow asked, sounding mildly irritated.

He hurriedly set her down and clapped his hands together. “Okay,” He looked around. “Let us get out of forest before we are eaten by big scary monster.”

* * *

“I think we are lost,” Niko said aloud. They walked through the dark forest, Rainbow in the lead.

“Yes,” Roman put in. “We have been walking for at least an hour; I agree with cousin.”

Rainbow Dash, who had been hovering above the ground, landed and turned to face them. “Look, I’m sorry,” she said, sounding frustrated. “I’ve never been in the Everfree forest alone before. It’s kinda’ hard to tell where you’re going.”

Niko frowned. “It is okay, you know more than me about this place.” He paused. “I have idea.” Rainbow cast him a curious glance. Niko pointed his finger at the dense foliage above. “You can fly up and see which way town is.”

“So what?” Roman butt in. “Are you just going to pretend I do not exist?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “That was plan.”

Roman pointed at Rainbow Dash. “How about rainbow pony?”

Rainbow looked uncomfortably to the left and right. “Actually,” she answered slowly. “You kind of come off as really annoying.”

Roman scowled and stomped his foot. “Great,” he scoffed. “I crash helicopter in crazy land of colorful drug addicts and even rainbow pony does not like me.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you,” she reassured. “I just think you’re annoying. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you.” She thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t exactly like you, but I don’t hate you either.”

Roman spun his finger in the air. “Oh, so the feeling is mutual.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow agreed.

Niko couldn’t help but smirk to himself at Roman’s suspense. Roman may have been his cousin; but he was such a joke. “So will that work?” he asked, drawing Rainbow’s attention away from his sulking cousin and back to the situation at hand. “Flying up to look for town?” he prodded.

She unfurled her wings. “Yeah, it’ll work.” She looked up at the thick foliage of the trees above. The sky couldn’t even be seen. “Yeah,” she said in reassurance. “I can do that.”

Niko watched as she sprung into the air and circled up to the leafy ceiling. She squeezed through a gap between two branches and disappeared from view.

“Niko,” Roman said quietly. “Please tell me this is not real. I just crashed in helicopter and hit my head, right?” He clasped is head in his hands and walked around in a flustered circle. “How do we get back to Liberty? We can get back, right?”

Niko shook his head. “I do not know Roman.”

“Where are we anyways?” Roman asked.

Niko shook his head again. “I am not sure exactly. All I know is that this is called Ponyville, and it is in land of Equestria. But I do not think humans are supposed to exist here.

His cousin listened disbelievingly “What about Liberty?” Roman went pale. He stumbled backwards into a tree and slid down the trunk until he was sitting. “What about the depot? What about Mallorie?”

Niko could do nothing but watch Roman fret. He was never much for supplying confidence or support. He tried to ignore the sound of his cousin making worried and confused noises to himself. He figured he had to at least try something.

“Look Roman,” he began awkwardly. “If we cannot get back to Liberty, there are plenty of friendly ponies here. Besides…” He hesitated. Niko looked up at the tree line, then to the surrounding forest. “What if we do not need to leave?” he finished quietly.

His cousin looked up. “What?”

“I mean, what if it is not that important to get back to Liberty City.” Niko tried to speak as casually as possible, but to no effect.

Roman balked. “You crazy Niko Bellic!”

Niko sat down in front of Roman. He felt crazy himself. “I know you do not understand.” He sighed, still not believing he was about to say this. “My whole reason of leaving old country was to start new life. I wanted to get away from shit back home. I thought I would find that in Liberty. I thought I would be able to start over. Then you get in trouble with loan sharks. And I try to help you… Vlad was a dick. He was going to hurt you. You know why I killed Vlad, to end it. But, killing Vlad pissed off every mob boss in city, and their grandmothers.”

Roman shot him a look. “I never wished for you to kill Vlad.”

Niko ignored him. “Whole point is. I came to new country and fucked it up. I made it almost as bad as old country.” He paused, thinking. He had never poured his heart out like this before. “In Liberty, people are always killing, hating. I have been here with ponies for two days now. They have no gangs, no guns, no killing, no hate. This is happy place. This is what I was looking for in liberty. Some of the ponies do not like me. But they are nice, not like people from the city of opportunity. Even the mean ones are mean in nice way.”

Roman laughed disbelievingly. “Cousin, listen to yourself! This is crazy talk!”

Niko stood up. “I know it is crazy. But look at way I see it. It is nice here.”

He was interrupted by a yell and the sound of breaking branches. He looked up in time to see a rainbow streak plummeting directly down at him from above. With reaction alone, he leaned back and raised his arms, but they came up too late. Rainbow struck him in the chest like a sack of flour. He was thrown off his feet and landed hard on his back.

Niko gasped as the air was knocked out of him. The forest above was spinning due to the fact his head had met the ground rather generously. He lifted his head to glare at the cyan pony on his chest.

She furled her wings and chucked nervously. “Hey there…” Rainbow’s eyes gleamed with barely suppressed laughter. “You okay?”

Niko reached out an arm and rolled the pony off of his chest. She landed awkwardly on the luscious forest floor.

Roman pointed a finger at him and laughed. “She used you as landing pad.” Niko marveled at how quickly Roman could change moods. One moment he was having a panic attack, then the next he was laughing.

Niko stood up and brushed himself off. He looked down at Rainbow, who was snickering quietly to herself.

Niko scolded her like an angry college professor. “Why did you not land on Roman?” he asked in a firm tone. “He is fat and makes good cushion.”

“Hey!” Roman exclaimed indignantly.

Rainbow shrugged. “Because I know you better.”

Niko frowned. “I thought you were good flyer.”

She glared at him. “I am, but the branch broke under me; and you can’t exactly unfurl your wings when you’re falling through a bunch of trees.”

She unfolded her wings and gave them an experimental flap. “Thanks for breaking my fall Niko. Probably saved me from having to go to the hospital again.”

“Again?” Roman asked. “You ponies have hospitals too?” She nodded in response.

“So you are pony who falls a lot?” Niko asked.

“Hey,” she said defensively. “For the amount of time I spend flying, I don’t crash that much.” The cyan pony flapped her wings and flew up to his eye level. “After all, I am the best flyer in all of Ponyville.”

“I am not so sure,” Niko teased, putting on a mock thoughtful look. “When Roman landed helicopter up tree he showed good flying skills.”

Roman waved an arm at him. “Bah! Shut up.”

Rainbow flew next to Niko and whispered. “Is he always this annoying?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” he replied.

“What are you two whispering about?” Roman asked.

“Nothing,” they replied in unison.

Niko remembered why she had been flying in the first place. “So did you find way to go?”

“Yep,” she replied proudly. She did a summersault in the air. Niko had grown used to this movement by now but Roman scoffed as if he found it funny. Niko had also thought it funny the first time as well. “We were walking totally the wrong way. We’re like a mile away from Ponyville.”

Niko shrugged. “I am good at long walks.”

Roman rather clumsily pushed himself to his feet. “I’m guessing I do not get rest?”

“Not unless you want to get left in dark forest.” Niko replied.

Rainbow pointed the way they needed to go and they set off. Roman really must be annoying, Niko thought. If he could annoy a friendly pony, he could annoy anybody.

* * *

Roman froze. “Did you hear that?”

Niko turned back to face him. “Hear what?”

“I heard stick break.” Roman was looking around at the dark forest nervously.

Rainbow Dash, who had just noticed they had stopped, flew over to them, landing neatly next to Niko. “It was probably some woodland creature. We’re pretty close to Ponyville now; there’s bound to be some of Fluttershy’s animals near here.”

“Maybe you stepped on stick Roman,” Niko suggested.

Roman spoke quietly, with both fear and irritation. “No, I did not step on stick. Right now, I am in weird colored place with my crazy cousin and a talking rainbow horse. I am going to get scared if I hear a sound in the woods!”

Rainbow trotted up to him. “Okay, jeez, calm down.”

Roman pointed frantically at her. “No! You do not tell me to calm down.” He spun around in a frantic circle, eyes clouded with fear.

Niko stepped towards his panicking cousin, “Roman.” He froze; his planned words wiped from his mind. He could see a pair of yellow eyes over Roman’s shoulder. They were glowing, literally glowing. He raised a finger and pointed at the dark shape. “What is that?” he asked worriedly.

Rainbow followed the path of his finger. She tensed. Slowly, she turned to face whatever it was and began slowly backing away. “Nopony make any sudden movements,” she whispered with quiet urgency.

Roman turned like he was mounted to a turntable. His gaze fell upon the so far unmoving eyes. Rainbow grabbed his shirt in her jaws and tugged him back. “What is that?” he squeaked.

“I think it’s a timberwolf,” she whispered.

“Well that is okay then,” Niko added. “Wolves are more scared of people than people are scared of them.”

“Yeah sure,” Rainbow shot back sarcastically. “The only problem is that I’m a tasty looking pony and wolves here don’t even know what humans are.”

“I see problem,” Niko muttered dejectedly.

The creature stepped out of the dark shadow of the trees. The moon cast it into eerie detail. Niko balked. It was made of wood. It was a wolf made out of assorted branches and logs. And he had thought the idea of talking ponies was crazy.

Roman opened his mouth wide, eyes popping. Nothing but a choked squeal escaped his mouth. He gasped and took a rapid intake of breath.

Niko’s eyes widened, realizing what his cousin was about to do. “No Roman—”

“Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!” he bellowed. The wood-wolf-thing to a step towards them, its wooden limbs creaking menacingly. It growled deep in its throat.

In one quick movement, Rainbow was off the ground and hovering ten feet up in the air. Roman turned and ran. Niko, with no other options, did the same. He ran after Roman, who had a good ten foot head start. He could still hear his cousin screaming at the top of his lungs.

Rainbow appeared next to Niko as he ran, flying at head height. “You should probably run faster,” she said urgently. Niko didn’t need to be told. He could hear the heavy footfalls of the monster behind him. He followed Roman through a gap in some bushes and a moment later heard the sound of the beast tearing through them like cobwebs. He was never scared of people. But this was a big wooden wolf. How were you supposed to fight a wolf made of wood?

Niko was finding it rather hard to concentrate with the wooden beast barking and snarling behind him. Roman screaming his lungs out ahead of him wasn’t helping either. If only he had his guns, a quick grenade and the problem would be dealt with. He understood completely why he didn’t, and shouldn’t have his weapons. But he really missed them.

Roman ran out of breath and his scream trailed off. He inhaled heavily and stared again. With every exhale of breath he would scream, only stopping to inhale. Niko could see slivers of light from the distant town poking through gaps in the trees. The edge of the forest had to be near now.

He dared a look back. To his terror, the beast was no less than feet behind him. It lunged forward, its splintery teeth ready to remove a generous chunk of his back. A cyan blur collided heavily with its head and the wooden beast crashed to the ground.

The timberwolf tumbled a good ten feet before coming to a stop. Rainbow sprung away, simultaneously unfurling her wings. Before she could clear herself of the beast, it snapped its heavy jaws down on her tail and she was pulled back to the ground.

Without thinking, Niko slid to a stop and ran to Rainbow’s aid. Roman’s cries faded into the distance as Niko neared Rainbow. She tried to pull herself away but the wolf tugged hard on her tail and she was yanked backwards to land on her back. Her soft underbelly was exposed to the creature. If it could have salivated, Niko guessed it would have been doing so now.

She tried to roll to her hooves but it placed a scrabbly paw on her belly. “Let me go!” she demanded angrily, to no avail from the beast. Niko didn’t know how the creature could digest anything, due to the fact that it was wood. But he certainly didn’t want to wait and find out.

He sprinted with every bit of speed he could muster and closed the remaining distance between him and the two. He swung his leg and planted it hard in the creature’s side. There was a splintering crunch as his foot sank into its wooden hide. He pulled his foot out of the beast. A few splinters stuck out of his boot. The wolf let out a guttural roar of anger and pain and toppled sideways. Rainbow scrambled to her hooves and backed up hurriedly.

The wolf picked itself up and fixed its murderous gaze on Niko. “Maybe, that was not best idea,” he said worriedly, backing away. Roman’s faint screams could be heard somewhere in the distance. He figured Roman was still heading the right way. He turned as quickly as he could and sprinted away, towards the faint sound of his cousin’s voice. Rainbow flew by his side. She could have easily overtaken him. Niko knew this. But instead, she was flying by his side.

“Thanks!” she gasped. She whirled in the air to avoid a low tree branch.

“You saved my first,” Niko said back with what little breath he had.

“Yeah,” she replied. “But you saved me second.”

He could hear the sound of the wolf tramping along behind them once again. Niko got an idea. He grabbed the thick bough of a tree as he ran. It snapped off in his hands. Rainbow gave him a look that seemed to ask, What was that supposed to do? “I was going to pull it back and let go like in Scooby Doo,” he replied to her implied question. He examined the branch as he ran. It was about the thickness of a pony’s hoof and the height of him. He hefted it like a javelin and hurled it at the inclosing timberwolf.

Niko was pleasantly surprised by his aim. The thrown branch stuck the beast in the right eye. Instead of it bouncing off, as Niko had anticipated, it stuck in its head. The head of the wolf literally fell apart, followed by the rest of its body. Sticks and branches tumbled everywhere as the once menacing beast disintegrated.

“Yeah!” Rainbow jeered. “Nice throw Niko!”

Niko slowed his pace, no longer feeling the need to run. “It was lucky throw,” he replied modestly, looking back at the heap of sticks that had been a timberwolf

“I didn’t even think you could kill a timberwolf,” Rainbow awed.

They walked the rest of the way from the forest to find Roman waiting for them at the edge of the tree line. “Holy shit!” Roman exclaimed. “Niko, I thought you were dead.”

“And I thought you would be passed out screaming by now,” he replied sourly.

Roman flushed. “What are you talking about? I was not screaming. I was exercising my lungs.”

Rainbow stumbled around in a little circle before sitting down hard. “I’m feeling a little dizzy,” she moaned.

“Well, you probably are still drunk,” Niko replied. “Now that adrenaline has stopped you probably feel the booze again."

She rolled onto her back and gazed up at the stars. “Tonight has been totally awesome,” she said quietly. She chuckled and rolled over onto her belly.

“Maybe we should go find place to sleep?” Niko suggested.

Rainbow nodded from the ground. “Yeah, but I don’t want to walk anywhere.”

“You sound as lazy as Roman,” Niko laughed.

Rainbow, only half-willingly, pushed herself to her hooves. “Fine,” she sighed. “I’ll take us to Twi’s… again.”

<Sorry about the delay on this one. Writing Undead Equestria, this, and What’s Under the Ground all at the same time may not have been the best idea. And for you MOAR capslocking+Pinkiesmile+flutterscream ponies… I love you too. Even if you do make me want to facepalm until I bloody my nose.

<The tenth of april is my birthday. So tomorrow I am going to take a break from reading and have a "Magic the Gathering" party with my friends. <<Not even joking

~Sorren

Part 6

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part Six

“What?” Twilight exclaimed in surprise. “Another one?”

The three of them had arrived at Twilight’s house during the late night. This would be the second time for rainbow and Niko. They stood in the open doorway, their shadows cast out onto the walkway.

“Do all the ponies in this crazy place talk?” Roman whispered to Niko.

“Yes,” he replied.

Twilight looked at the three of them with unsuppressed annoyance. “Rainbow,” she said irritably. “Stop bringing humans here.”

“Well where else am I supposed to take them?” she shot back. “Unless humans can fly, I can’t take them to my place. I don’t think Fluttershy would take to well to two humans. Pinkie stays that the Cakes’ place; I can’t take them there. Applejack is way out at sweet apple acres. And to tell you the truth, I don’t think I could stand staying with Rarity. I don’t think they could either.” Rainbow took a step towards the purple pony. “Please Twi, help us out here.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she groaned. “But I don’t want them here if they’re angry. I don’t want my ladders pulled out of the walls again.”

“I am sorry for that,” Niko stated. “I was angry. I do not like getting hit with things, or tied up. I have bad experiences with both. But do not worry, Roman does not get angry. He just complains a lot.”

“Hey,” his cousin protested.

“See, it’s all cool,” Rainbow reassured.

Somewhat grudgingly, Twilight stepped out of the way to allow them into the dwelling. Rainbow entered first, followed by Niko.

Roman looked skeptical, but followed nonetheless. His head banged against the top of the doorframe. “Shit!” He doubled over, holding his head in his hands.

Niko laughed goodheartedly. “You have to duck for pony doors Roman.” He walked over to his cousin and patted him on the shoulder. “You get used to pony doors too.”

“Stupid door.” Roman glared back at the door, which Twilight then shut. He poked his arm gingerly. “I do not think it is broken,” he commented worriedly. “But it does not feel so good.”

“What did you do to it?” Twilight asked curiously.

“I hurt it in helicopter crash,” he replied.

Twilight frowned. “Helicopter?”

“It is human flying machine,” Niko clarified.

Her lavender eyes lit up. “Humans have flying machines?”

Niko nodded. “Yes.”

“Self-sustained flying machines?” she pressed.

Niko nodded again, a little skeptically. “Yes,” he replied cautiously.

The unicorn seemed to tremble with excitement. “Tell me how it works,” she demanded.

Niko thought for a moment, not sure how to explain a helicopter to a pony who barely even knew what a human was.

“Um,” he started dumbly. He barely even knew how a helicopter worked himself. Twilight levitated a pen and sheet of parchment over to her. She awaited his description eagerly. “It is big machine with big blades on top.”

Twilight scribbled furiously on the scroll before looking back up at him. “Go on,” she urged.

Niko fought for words. “Motor turns big blades and helicopter flies.” He held out his arms apologetically.

Twilight glared. “Is that it?” she asked in a condescending tone.

Niko shrugged. “I do not know how to explain helicopter. And if I did, it would take hours.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something but Rainbow cut her off. “Take it easy egghead.” Rainbow trotted over to the unicorn mare and prodded her with a hoof. “You can’t harass them about things they barely even know.”

Twilight nodded but still looked curious. “Wait a minute.” She turned her gaze to Roman. “You crashed a helicopter here?”

“Yes,” Roman replied. “Why? Did you think I crashed helicopter in other messed up world with ponies?”

She ignored his sarcastic remark. “That’s odd,” she mused. “I know of humans ending up here. But I’ve never seen them arrive here with anything other than their clothes. Your friend Roman here brought a whole flying machine.”

“Could you keep it down!” a voice called from upstairs. “I’m trying to sleep here.”

“Sorry spike,” Twilight replied. She turned to the rest of them. “I think everypony, and human, needs to get some sleep.” Niko silently agreed.

“Do you have any bandages?” Roman asked.

Twilight shook her head. “Sorry, not here.” She shot a concerned look at Rainbow. “Are you feeling okay?” she asked. “You look a little woozy.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rainbow blushed slightly. She was a terrible liar. Niko didn’t even know all the pony expressions yet; and he could easily tell she was lying.

Twilight wasn’t convinced. “Did you have some more of that special apple juice Niko was talking about earlier?”

Niko answered for Rainbow. “No, she has not been drinking special apple juice. This time it was grape juice.”

Rainbow snickered. “Grape juice,” she breathed heartily.

Niko laughed along with her. Roman and Twilight watched them, looking rather puzzled.

“What is so funny?” his cousin asked.

Niko froze, suddenly remembering something very important. “Roman?” he asked slowly, turning his head to face his cousin. “Doesn’t Brucie always take a cooler full of booze in helicopter?”

Roman’s expression froze on his face. Slowly, his eyes rolled in his skull to fall upon Niko’s. “Yes,” he replied cautiously.

“Did Brucie take booze in cooler this time?” Niko maintained a straight face and monotone expression. There was hardly a sound apart form that of their own breathing.

Roman nodded his head vigorously. “Yes.” His eyes clouded with worry. “Cooler was on helicopter.”

“Wait a minute,” Rainbow cut in. “Are you telling me there’s more of that good stuff on the crashed thing?”
“Yes,” Roman said.

She balked at him. “And you left it there!?”

Roman held out his arms defensively. “I am sorry,” he said hurriedly. “I was not thinking about booze when I crashed.”

“What?” Niko gasped sarcastically. “Roman was close to booze and it is still there?”

“You better have saved some for me,” Rainbow added.

“What?” Roman looked flustered. “I did not drink helicopter beer!”

Niko sighed. “I told you not to drink and fly helicopter Roman. It makes you crash.”

Roman’s face trembled. “I do not know how to fly helicopter!”

Niko waved his arms, signifying that Roman was getting the point. “That is why you should not drink and fly. If you do not know how to fly, booze makes it harder.”

“I wasn’t drinking Brucie’s damned booze!” Roman shouted.

“I doubt that!” Rainbow shot back.”

The room fell completely silent. Roman glared at all of them. Niko was suppressing a smile. Twilight just looked confused.

They all broke out at once. “This is why you are fat Roman,” Niko yelled over the ruckus.

“I did not touch the cooler!” Roman bellowed, clasping his head in his hands.

“If there isn’t any left…” Rainbow was saying.

Twilight stomped a hoof. “Would one of you please tell me what’s going on!?” The last six words were shouted in a high pitched, flustered tone.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on!” An angry voice shouted from the top of the stairs. “A tired dragon is trying to sleep!” He hurled a thick-backed book at them from the top of the stairs. Niko turned in time to see it strike him in the side if the head.

The room fell silent once again. Even the crickets outside seemed to stop chirping.

Slowly, menacingly, Niko turned his angry gaze to the baby dragon. The left side of his face where the book had struck him was going red.

“You okay there?” Rainbow asked nervously. She reached out a hoof and prodded his waist. “Hello there?” she insisted. “You okay?”

Niko took a moment to reply. “Baby dragon hit me with book,” he stated slowly, his voice dangerously level. The tension in the room was building. It was only a matter of moments before something exploded. Niko looked up at Spike. “Why would you hit me with book?”

The little dragon went pale. “B-b-because,” Spike stammered. He pointed hurriedly at Roman. “Because I was aiming for him.”

Niko walked a slow circle around the main room, his hands clasped behind his back. “It did not knock me out,” he finally said, attempting to sound cheerful despite the still sustained anger. “I guess I am okay.”

Everyone but Roman breathed a sigh of relief. “I-I’m going to bed now,” Spike said hurriedly.

Niko started laughing. He walked back over to the group by the door and pointed an accusing finger at Roman, looking for someone to take anger out on. “Why do you always have to be such a douchebag?”

“Hey,” he protested. “I am not douchebag.”

“What’s a douchebag?” Twilight asked curiously.

Niko stopped laughing. Roman looked down at her and snickered. “It is thing that women—”

Niko drove an elbow into his side. “It is not word for ponies,” he corrected.

“Okay?” Twilight still looked curious, but dropped the topic.

Niko looked over to Roman to shoot him a dirty look. But he appeared to be having some sort of a fit. His face had gone white and his right eye twitched. He was wearing the largest fake smile Niko had ever seen.

“Roman?” he asked. “Are you okay?”

“I am talking to coloring book horse,” he said distantly.

Rainbow prodded Roman in the leg. He didn’t respond. “He doesn’t look too good,” she stated.

“What’s he doing?” Twilight asked. Roman took a stiff-legged step forward. Niko shot a glance at the lavender pony. “Get rope,” he commanded.

“Rope?” she scrunched her face curiously.

“He is about to have breakdown like I did on first day.” He nodded towards Roman, who was now staring up at the ceiling, giggling. “We should tie him up or he might do something bad.”

* * *

“Help!” Roman yelled again.

“Stop yelling!” Niko shouted back. Roman was tied to an upright ladder, used for climbing a bookshelf.

Roman strained against the ropes binding him. “Help me!” he bellowed. “They have me tied to books!”

“Is there something wrong with him?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah,” Rainbow added. “He’s been screaming for like, an hour now.”

Roman had fallen asleep shortly after being tied up. Upon awakening, Roman had begun screaming. They had all been woken early to the sound of Niko’s panicked cousin. So far, the screams had not subsided. Spike was, out of all of them, the most annoyed. The baby dragon was currently lying in bed, a pillow clasped firmly over his head.

“Roman,” Niko said with great exasperation. “The ponies are not going to hurt you; or shoot you in stomach.”

“You’re lying!” Roman strained even harder against his bindings. “They want to cut out my kidneys and sell them on internet!”

Niko was starting to lose his patients. “Ponies do not even have internet!”

“Besides,” Twilight added helpfully. “Humans have a totally different anatomy than us. Even if we did take your kidney.” She shuddered at the prospect. “There’s no way we could actually use it.”

Roman’s reply was to scream again.

Niko stalked threateningly towards his cousin. “If you scream one more time, I will hit you with book.”

“Is that necessary?” Twilight asked.

“I think so!” yelled Spike from upstairs.

Niko cringed as Roman screamed again. “I said I would!” he snapped. He reached for the bookshelf and pulled a hardback purple book from the shelf.

“No, wait!” Twilight exclaimed. The book in his hand was enveloped in purple magic and pulled from his grasp. He still didn’t think magic was fair. Unicorns could move things without even touching them. She passed him a much larger brown book. “I don’t want you to ruin the other one,” she said sheepishly.

Niko hefted the new book experimentally. The title read,

Gummy

By: Steedson King

Niko flipped open the front cover to read the description.

Gummy is a two pound alligator, the beloved pet of Pinkemina Pie. One day Gummy pursues a balloon into a bolt-hole--a cave inhabited by some very sick parasprites. What happens to Gummy, and to those unlucky enough to be near him, makes for the most heart-squeezing novel Steedson King has yet written.

“No! No please, don’t hit me!” Roman pleaded.

“Will you stop screaming?” Niko asked in a bargaining tone.

Roman nodded vigorously.

“Will you stay calm if I untie you?”

“Don’t listen to him!” Spike yelled.

“I will behave,” Roman begged sincerely.

Twilight stepped forward. “If he doesn’t stop screaming ponies are going to think I’m torturing some poor animal in my library,” she muttered apprehensively.

“Does Roman always do this?” Rainbow asked.

“Yes,” Niko replied. “He screams a lot.”

“Tell me about it,” she groaned.

Niko approached Roman and began to untie him. “What do you say?” he asked. “Once you are untied we go see town?”

Roman nodded. He still appeared to be somewhat panicked. “Sure.”

“But if you scream,” Niko warned. “I will find something to hit you with.”

* * *

“Niko, I do not like this,” Roman whispered worriedly. “They are all looking at me.”

Niko looked around. All of the ponies were in fact looking at them. Some glared, others just looked curious. They were in the market. So far, this proved to be the busiest place in Ponyville.

“It is okay,” he reassured. “Ponies are just not used to humans here. You get used to stares.”

“Well I’m not used to them yet,” Roman shot back. “And they are making me feel uncomfortable.”

Niko spotted Berry and gave her a friendly wave. She nodded in his direction. This time, the pony did not have any grapes with her. But she did have several tinted bottles in a saddlebag. She nodded towards them and winked.

Roman held out his arms, having seen their exchange. “What the hell was that?”

“Me greeting yesterday’s friend,” Niko answered.

Roman snickered. “Niko Bellic, you have friends? I thought you hated all people?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “I don’t hate people Roman. I just don’t like how people are. Ponies are whole different thing from people. They aren’t great big assholes.”

Roman looked around again. “Then why are they all glaring at me?”

“Maybe because your shirt looks like it was made of old clown suit.” Niko spotted a familiar pink pony in the crowd. Her frizzy mane resembled cotton candy without the stick. Her blue eyes were fixed excitedly on them. Niko froze. He held out a hand to stop Roman.

“What?” his cousin asked.

Niko turned him away from the prying eyes of the psycho pony. “We will walk other way now.”

“But why?” Roman asked in misunderstanding. “We were going that way.”

Niko looked back; he couldn’t see her right now. “Because, I want to go new way.”

Roman looked back as well. “What are you looking at?”

Niko pulled his head back around and gave it a small shake. “Nothing,” he dismissed. “I just thought I saw something.”

Roman followed. “Are you feeling okay Niko Bellic?” he asked.

Niko spotted the same pair of blue eyes behind a booth ahead. He grasped Roman’s arm and spun him around.

Roman let out an exclamation of pain. “What the fuck Niko?” he gasped. “That was hurt arm.”

Niko grabbed by the other arm and pulled him away from the booth where he had spotted the eyes. “Sorry,” he apologized insincerely. He spotted a tuft of pink mane through a crowd of ponies to the left. Before he knew it, he was sprinting through the market, dragging Roman in his wake.

“Niko what the hell is wrong with you?” Roman asked. He almost lost his balance but Niko tugged him upright.

“I do not want to meet crazy pony!” he replied. Niko slid to a stop and looked around frantically for the frizzy pink shape.

“What crazy pony?” Roman asked. “Niko, are you sure I am the one having bad time coping?”

Niko looked down to see Pinkie gazing up at him with anticipation. He nearly jumped a foot in the air. “That one!” he exclaimed, backpedalling quickly.

“Hi!” Pinkie greeted cheerfully.

Niko regained himself and cleared his throat. “Good morning Pinkie,” he replied levelly.

“Hello Niko,” she bounced, literally. Roman went cross-eyed to look at the pony as she rose to his head height, then dropped back to the ground again. Her head would pop up again in a hypnotizing repetitive motion, like that of a steam piston working. “Isn’t today a wonderful day?” she started. “I mean, the sun is out, the birds are chirping and everypony is having a really great time because the day is so nice. It was so nice that I decided to take a break and come out here to enjoy the beautiful day because, like, who wouldn’t want to enjoy a day as great as this?”

Roman just stared blankly at the bouncing pink pony. “Um, yes,” Niko replied hesitantly. “It is nice day.”

Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly. “What were you two doing out on such a beautiful day?” At the peak of her bounce she turned her head upside down in midair to peer up at Roman. “And what’s he doing here? I thought one human getting here was hard to do but then two of them and they both look the same but this one is wearing a clown shirt.”

“Don’t you run out of breath?” Roman asked confusedly.

“No,” Niko groaned. “She never stops talking.”

Roman pointed to his clothes. “By the way, this is not clown suit. This is most popular fashion back in Liberty City.”

Niko snorted. “More like guy magnet.”

“Hey, I like his clothes,” Pinkie protested.

Roman smiled at Pinkie. “You know,” he mused. “I like pink pony.”

Pinkie giggled. “I like you too. My name’s Pinkie.” She bounced up to his eye level to state her name. “What’s yours?”

“Roman,” he replied cheerfully.

Niko clasped his head in his hands. “Oh no, now there are two of them.”

“What do you want to do Roman?” Pinkie asked happily. She gave an extra high bounce.

Roman thought for a moment. “I do not know,” he finally replied. “I do not know what you ponies do.”

“Oh I have a wonderful idea!” Pinkie beamed. “I can show you my party cannon!”

“Does it shoot stuff?” Roman asked delightedly.

“Yeah!” Pinkie replied with even more enthusiasm that before.

Roman clapped his hands. “Alright! Let us go see party cannon.”

Pinkie turned to lead him away. Roman looked back at Niko. “Are you coming cousin.”

“No,” Niko replied hurriedly. Roman just shrugged. “I think I will go help Berry Punch or something.”

“Fine by me,” his cousin replied.

“You coming Roman?” Pinkie asked persistently

“Yes!” he replied. The two ran off towards wherever they were going. Niko fought the urge to scream. How had the most annoying person in the world somehow managed to meet the most annoying pony in the world?

He set off to look for Berry. He wanted to get the thought of Roman and Pinkie out of his mind. He did not like the sound of his cousin around anything that exploded.

<........Yeah.

have a chapter or something

~Sorren

Part 7

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part 7

<=A pre-story note. Please forgive me for the profanities. But i believe they are essential to Brucie's charecter.=>

Brucie revved the engine of his custom Sabre GT. Four hundred horses roared their approval.

He patted the black vinyl dashboard affectionately. “We got this baby.” Brucie adjusted the rearview mirror so as he could glare back at the racer in the car behind.

He took the moment of suspense to admire his custom paintjob. The sleek bodied Sabre was painted cyan blue, apart from the chrome paneling and bumpers.

Orange dual racing stripes ran down the center of the body. Lining the orange was a one inch stripe of green. The colors of the vehicle were perfectly balanced, leaving the paint gleaming with colorful symmetry. Deep red stripes ran down the far upper facing sides of the vehicle, all the way to the deck lid. A streak of purple ran down the middle of the red. The brilliant paint was finished off with yellow pin striping along the doors and fenders.

Brucie goosed to pedal and the engine growled in response. The other seven racers revved their engines around him, doing best to make themselves heard.

A bikini clad girl strut out to the center of the city street. She stopped, and waved a red flag at the drivers.

Brucie tightened his grip on the steering wheel, causing the leather to squeak. He took several deep breaths to allow the adrenaline to wash over him. “It’s on,” he whispered venomously over the grumble of the engine. He shrugged his shoulders in his leather jacket, attempting to shed some excitement, while all the while keeping his hands in a vice grip on the wheel. A little helicopter crash wasn’t going to stop him.

Brucie had the exception of third row in the lineup. He had the right-hand side; a yellow Dukes took the left.

She waved the red flag again. Green was next up.

Brucie revved his engine up to four thousand as the green flag waved. He stomped the clutch and slipped the shifter to second. The transmission whined its disapproval and a gear slipped. But he was off, smoke billowing from his fresh tires. The front axle started to lift and Brucie backed off to regain control.

He eased the wheel left to avoid the driver of the car ahead, who had not been as on-the-gun as Brucie.

He made a clean transaction to third gear and a moment later, to fourth. The Saber cut between the third and fourth place cars, having gained more speed on the get go.

“Yeah!” he jeered. “That’s how it’s done, Brucie style!”

The green Turismo holding second moved to block his advance and Brucie was forced to tease the brakes. “Bitch!” he swore at the car ahead. “Don’t you go pulling none of that shit on me!” He squeezed the wheel harder. “Let’s say we have a little fun.” He spared a second to make a reach for the radio. He was given the satisfaction of the high-end sound system blaring to life. The song ‘Crazy Train’ came through half way through the chorus. “We’re going off the raaaaails on a crazy train!” Brucie sang along.

He made the final transition to fifth. There was still one more gear, but that wouldn’t be needed for city streets such as this. He glanced triumphantly at the speedometer. “Zero to sixty in five seconds flat!” he cheered. “Beat that shit!”

Brucie went for the pass. He feigned left. As soon as the Turismo took the bait, he pulled right and the pedal met the vinyl. He pulled up beside the driver of the green car and shot him the middle finger.

The driver, a young man with short, spiked red hair, leered and pulled the wheel right. The right front fender of his car collided with the door panel of the Sabre.

Brucie cringed. He rolled down the automatic window. “Hey you stupid white trash bitch!” he bellowed. “Don’t you go ramming your shitty ass Pinto into my car! I will fucking end you!”

The driver of the Turismo shot him a dirty look and pulled left, intent to ram the Sabre again.

But Brucie had it this time. He tapped the brakes and dropped back. As the Turismo leered right, Brucie met the corner of its bumper with that of his own. Brucie had him locked. He nudged the wheel to the left and spun the rear end out from behind the green car. It careened off the road into a bus stop. Shards of metal and car parts littered the road as it went into a summersault.

Brucie hung his head out the window. “Yeah bitch! Cops aren’t the only ones who can do that shit! Fuck you and your Pinto!”

Brucie turned his attention back to the road ahead. The only thing between him and the lead now was a red Sultan. They were nearing a sharp left-hand corner. Brucie decided he would pass there. Ninety degree corners were his thing.

The Sultan’s brake lights lit up, preparing for the corner. But instead of slowing, Brucie gassed it, topping his speed at sixty. He overtook the sultan. The driver of the red car gaped at Brucie as he passed. The moment he was clear, Brucie locked up the rear axle. The Sabre dropped down to fifty and turned diagonal on the road. Timing for the next part was essential. He jerked the wheel hard to the left and pushed the pedal to the floor. The tires squealed and billows of smoke trailed behind. The Sabre turned almost completely sideways and he pulled the wheel right.

The drift couldn’t have gone any better. He slid clean out of the corner with a speed of fifty. He was now on the coastal road. The land dropped off sharply to the right, where bay could be seen. The Statue of Happiness stood out in the wake. Brucie jeered aloud and reached for the shifter, intent to switch to sixth for the costal stretch.

The whole rear of the Sabre spun out to the left as the Sultan came into contact with his rear fender.

“Hey!” Brucie yelled indignantly. He found the nose of his car looking into the oncoming lane, tires squealing for grip. He pulled the wheel to the right in an attempt to regain control, but to no avail. The tires had lost traction and were out of sync with one another. At this speed, there was no recovery.

Brucie screamed out in anger as he overcorrected and sent the nose of the vehicle facing the seaside. To his horror, the tires were still holding enough traction to propel him forward as he slid sideways. At one point, a guardrail had run the coastal route. But the particular section he was had been torn off, instead replaced with much more sturdy traffic cones.

“Fuck!” he bellowed, drawing out the u to a long note.

The Sabre batted the cones aside and sailed from the tarmac. Brucie screamed and held his arms over his face as the sea rushed up to meet him. The radio blared. “We’re going off the rails, on a crazy train.”

* * *

“There you are!” Rainbow called.

It was late in the afternoon. If this place had clocks, he would have guessed it was about six o clock.

Niko looked up from the crate he was carrying to see the cyan pegasus flying towards him. He set down the crate he was carrying. For the past few hours, he had been helping various shop owners with heavy lifting related tasks. Ponies didn’t seem too fond of moving things.

Rainbow landed on the crate in front of him. Here pink eyes met his at an adjacent level due to her elevated perch. “I’ve been looking for you all day. You left with your friend Roman without me.”

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I did not know you wanted to come.

Rainbow scoffed. “Why wouldn’t I want to come? It’s boring around here. There are only so many clouds to push around all day.”

Niko shrugged. “Because Roman is so annoying?”

Rainbow frowned. “Say, where is Roman?”

“He went off with pink pony.” Niko shuddered.

Rainbow faked an urgent tone. “Don’t worry, It’ll be alright,” she joked. “Just let them entertain themselves. Pretty soon, one of them will manage to put themselves into a coma.”

Niko laughed. “I do not want to know what they could possibly do together. Annoy a state?” he pondered.

“So what have you been doing?” Rainbow asked, sitting down on the crate.

Niko motioned towards the crate she was on. “Moving things for shopkeepers.”

Rainbow tapped a hoof on the crate. “You getting paid?”

Niko shrugged. “If they want to. Money does not seem very important here.”

Rainbow unfurled her wings and flew around him in a lazy circle. “Do ya’ wanna’ go do something?”

Niko frowned. He had been working all day. “Yeah sure, just let me finish with this crate.”

He bent down and picked up the crate. He carried around to the front of the booth and set it down. This was one of the food stands at the market. It was a fairly quiet day. Only ten or so ponies filled the market. Then again, it was nearing dark.

“Thanks Niko,” said the yellow mare running the fruit stand. She produced two bits and nosed them across the table to him.

Niko pocketed the bits. “Thank you.” He turned and started down the street with Rainbow, no real direction in mind. “You know,” he mused. “I think most ponies here are starting to like me.”

“Well why wouldn’t they?” she replied. “Apart from that breakdown in the bakery, you’ve been pretty cool.”

“Hey,” Niko returned. “You are one that made it fun. You are cooler and more open than other ponies.”

Rainbow shrugged. “I try.” She dusted off from the ground and did a summersault in the air. “The other ponies were just scared of you. You always wear that scowl all the time. You should really stop. It makes you look scary to ponies that don’t know you.”

Niko stopped walking. Something felt odd. He looked down at his arm. Every hair was standing straight up.

He looked at rainbow, who was shooting him a curious glance. “Something wrong?”

“I do not know.” Niko looked down the street both ways. He spotted the shape of Roman back at the market.

There was a loud crack and a blinding flash of white light about ten feet ahead. Niko stumbled backwards.

Heavy mist filled the area where the flash had been. A wisp of air dispelled the cloud after a moment. A blue sports car came into contrast. Water ran from the cyan paint and tinted windows. A large dent filled most of the rear quarter panel.

Rainbow gasped. “What is that?”

“A car,” Niko replied. He took a cautious step forward. “Why the hell is there car?”

“It’s huge!” Rainbow gasped.

Niko realized just how big a vehicle would look to a pony. She was only about as tall as the hood

“Why’s it the same color as me?” Rainbow asked, taking a step closer. Thick fog filled the inside of the vehicle, obstructing their view of the interior.

The driver’s side door opened. Fog poured from the vehicle, sinking to the ground and fanning out like a scene from ‘Back to the Future.’

A bulky figure emerged from the shell of the vehicle. The fog cleared enough for Niko to take in his features. He was a rather muscle clad man. He sported a shaved head and a gold chain around his neck. A brown shirt stretched tight over his chest and a black, unzipped leather jacket covered that.

Niko balked. “Brucie? What the hell?”

Brucie propped himself up in the crook of the door. “Man, I have a headache,” he complained.

“What are you doing here?” Niko asked disbelievingly. First Roman and now Brucie, what was going on?

Brucie closed the car door and walked over to greet Niko with a fist-bump. Niko declined the motion. “I’m at your place,” Brucie said, making sound like Niko was the confused one. Brucie looked around curiously; eyes squinted against the late sun. “Aren’t I?”

Niko clasped his hands to his head. “No, this is not my place. This is Ponyville. You should not be here.”

Brucie’s eyes widened. “Ponyville?” He looked around again, eyes widening in surprise.

“Geez Niko,” Rainbow said, hovering beside him. “Are you going to teleport every friend you have over here?”

Niko glared. “I did not make him come here.”

Brucie turned his head to the new voice. His eyes shot open so wide that his eyebrows threatened to be eaten by his nonexistent hair. His jaw dropped and his whole body went stiff as a board.

Brucie?” Niko asked. He did not respond. Rainbow hovered where she was, looking slightly confused. Niko walked up to Brucie and waved a hand in front of his face. Brucie didn’t even register that the hand was there.

“Great,” Niko scoffed. “You broke him.” He directed the comment at Rainbow.

A high pitched squeal escaped Brucie’s lips. He brought his hands to the side of his head, gasping for breath. He doubled over and looked up a moment later.

“You’re Rainbow Dash,” he squeaked.

Niko shot a questioning glance at Rainbow. “How does he know your name?” he asked. “He just got here.”

“You’re Rainbow…” Brucie squealed again, trailing off for loss of breath before he could finish.

“Hey cousin!” Roman said cheerfully. He walked up to Niko and pointed a backwards thumb at Brucie’s car. “What is Brucie’s car doing in middle of road?” His eyes fell on the spluttering Brucie. Random bits of gibberish tumbled from his mouth whenever he gained enough breath to speak. “Is he alright?” Roman asked.

Niko shook his head. “I do not think so.”

Brucie leaned against his car, finally gaining control of his breathing. “I’m dreaming,” he gasped. “Either that, or I died in the car crash and went to heaven.”

He pinched his arm hard. “Ouch,” he gasped. “Not dreaming.”

“Hey Brucie!” Roman greeted happily.

Bruce ignored Roman. Instead he stuck his hand out and pointed in awe at Rainbow. “You’re Rainbow Dash,” he declared.

She flushed. “So I heard.”

Brucie looked around. “Am I in Ponyville?” he asked.

“Yes,” Niko and Roman both replied in unison

Brucie clasped his head in his hands. “Holy shit,” he gasped. “Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.”

Roman chuckled. “Brucie, have you been juicing again?”

“Wait a minute?” Niko interjected. He turned to Brucie. “If you just drove sports car here, then how do you know Ponyville and Rainbow Dash?”

Brucie looked up at him, face going red. “The show man…” he trailed off. “The show.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and folded her ears. “Great,” she groaned. “He’s one of those ones.”

Niko looked at her. “What is that?”

Rainbow spoke with exasperation. “Sometimes, we get a human here that seems to know everything about us; and they act really crazy.”

Niko remained curious. “How could he possibly know all about you?”

Rainbow shrugged. “Don’t ask me. But it’s really creepy when a human you’ve never seen before knows everything about you.”

Brucie shielded the sun from his eyes and looked around. “Where are the others?” he asked insistently. “Like Twilight, and Pinkie?”

Rainbow looked at Niko and deadpanned. “See.”

Roman leaned up against Brucie’s car. “So why is Brucie here again?” he asked.

Until now, Brucie hadn’t noticed Roman. He looked at Roman, a puzzled expression falling on his face. “Why are you here?” He looked at Niko. “Why are both of you here?”

Roman looked angry. “Because after you got in fight with helicopter steering wheel I crashed! Somehow I crashed here.”

Brucie brought his hand to his chin thoughtfully. “Oh, so that’s what happened.” He shrugged, looking back at Roman. “So you’ve been here for two days?”

Roman nodded.

“Four for me,” Niko added.

Brucie threw out his arms and bumped his palms against his chest. “What the hell you guys? You were here and you didn’t tell me?” Brucie’s face showed genuine anger.

Niko scoffed. “What was I supposed to do? Call you on telephone and say, hey Brucie, I am in colorful world of little ponies, come down and join me?”

Brucie waved his arms around wildly. “That’s exactly what you were supposed to do!”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Look,” he said. “Next time I end up in strange unknown colorful world, I will call you.”

“Look at the bright side,” Roman broke on. “We are all here and having wonderful time!”

Rainbow cleared her throat loudly. “You know, I’m feeling left out of this conversation.”

Brucie let out a little squee of excitement as she spoke.

She glared at him. “Would you stop doing that?”

Brucie coughed nonchalantly. “Sorry.” He raised a finger excitedly. “We need to celebrate.”

Roman cocked his head. “Celebrate what?”

Brucie ran around to the driver’s side door and pulled it open. “Me having the best day of my life,” he replied. He emerged with a set of keys and circled around to the back of the vehicle.

Niko walked over as he was inserting the key in the trunk-lock. “What is in trunk?”

“You’ll see,” Brucie said happily. He lifted the lid and produced a bottle of vodka.

Niko peered into the trunk to see not only vodka, but whiskey, other hard liquor, and a whole pallet of binge beer. “Holy shit Brucie,” he exclaimed. “Do you normally carry this much beer in trunk?”

Brucie half scoffed, half chuckled. “Well yeah. You never know when you’re going to meet a couple of hot bitches ready to party.”

Niko jabbed Brucie in the shoulder. “Do not use that word in front of ponies. It is not good.”

“Hey,” Brucie protested. “You used shit.”

“It is not the same. Bitch is worse than shit if you use it on person.”

Roman interjected. “Look at you two. Stop arguing about naughty words. Let us just drink beer.” He reached into the trunk and pulled out a bottle of whiskey.

Niko raised his hand in a dismissive gesture. “I think I will hold off on the booze tonight. I want to stay sober at least one night I am here.”

“Come on Niko.” Brucie insisted. Rainbow and Roman joined in on the protests until all three of them were yelling at him. “Fine!” he yelled back. “I will have couple beers.”

* * *

“To friends,” Roman slurred. They all tapped their beer bottles together. Seven more beer bottles for each of them littered the floor of the Sabre, along with a couple whiskey and vodka bottles as well. Brucie sat in the driver’s seat and Niko the passenger. Roman sat behind Brucie in the back seat. Rainbow was behind Niko.

“You know what,” Brucie said. “This is boring, just sitting here. Let’s go for a drive.” He upturned an empty vodka bottle, looking up the neck.

“Yeah!” Roman jeered.

Niko nodded. If he had been the least bit sober, he would have declined. But right now they were all having fun.

Brucie lit the ignition and the powerful sports car roared to life. “Wooooooo!” he called. “Where’re we going?” he asked, looking back at them.

Roman shrugged. “I do not know. Let’s just follow road.”

“I agree with Roman,” Niko put in. “Let us follow road.”

Rainbow looked around in awe. “This thing moves on its own?”

Brucie looked back at her and smiled. “Hell yeah! It moves so fast that it…” he trailed off. “I could like, win a race with this thing.” He slid the car into first gear. The transmission ground angrily as Brucie fumbled with the gearshift. It was dark out, so Brucie turned on the high beams, casting the dirt road ahead into proportion.

They started forward. Roman and Brucie whooped. Niko laughed and thumped the dashboard with his hand. “Another bottle,” he requested from Roman. Roman reached back and tossed him another bottle.

“Gimme’ another one too,” Rainbow said.

Roman looked at her. “Are you even old enough to drink booze?”

In the front seat, Brucie switched to fourth gear.

“Yeah!” she said.

Roman shrugged. He passed her a bottle as well. “Go at it.”

“We need some music!” Brucie yelled.

“Yeah!” Roman implied.

Brucie hit a button on the stereo and the speakers blared to life. Niko recognized the song, but did not remember the name

<=This is probably the only time I will ever interrupt the story. To experience this scene at full effect, please start the song “Tik Tok, by Ke$ha” now.=>

“What is this shit?” Niko protested.

Brucie glared at him. “Hey, this is a rockin’ song!”

“It is new age crap!” Niko yelled over the subwoofer.

“Uhoh!” Roman jeered. “She has her glasses!”

“Woooooooo!” Brucie called. He jammed the accelerator and the car powered forward. He took a heavy swig whiskey and wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve. “Let’s get this party started!”

“This is a weird song!” Rainbow yelled.

Niko looked back at her. “It is made by humans. What do you expect?”

Brucie started head-bobbing. Niko couldn’t help but to join along. Brucie shrugged his shoulders to the music, moving his whole body to the beat of the song. “We’re having fun now!” His hands tapped rhythmically on the steering wheel.

“I love this song!” Roman exclaimed. “Turn this shit up Brucie!”

Brucie complied by cranking up the dial. The entire car vibrated as the sound became deafening.

Niko found this all rather fun. The song was catchy.

Brucie looked over at him and shot a drunken smile. He started singing along. “Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up, tonight I’mma fight till we see the sun light! Tick tock, on the clock, but the party don’t stop no!” He slurred the next part, laughing hysterically.

Roman joined in and the two sang the next verse in unison. “Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up, tonight I’mma fight till we see the sun light! Tick tock, on the clock, but the party don’t stop no!” Niko looked at the two as if they were crazy. This was all crazy! They were singing along to…. This!

“You are all crazy!” Niko yelled in exasperation.

“We got beer!” Roman jeered.

“What the hay is going on!?” Rainbow asked. She looked between three humans in the car with unmasked confusion. “Are you singing!?”

“Hell yeah!” Brucie bellowed.

“Come on Niko!” Roman patted him on the shoulder. “Sing along. It’s fun! This is a party!”

Niko fought the urge to join this. Even drunk, this was almost too much for him.

“Come on Niko!” Rainbow prodded. “I would do it but I don’t even know the words!”

Brucie moved his entire body rhythmically to the music. Roman attempted as well, but was failing due to his state of intoxication.

Brucie made himself heard over the subwoofers. “We’re goin’ till they kick us out, out!”

“Or the police shut us down, down!” Roman added.

“Police shut us down, down!” they both sang.

“Po po, shut us down.” Brucie made a stiff movement like a robot.

What the hell, Niko though. He joined in. “Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up, tonight I’mma fight till we see the sun light! Tick tock, on the clock, but the party don’t stop no!” Niko found himself dancing in his seat to the music as well, the alcohol giving him motivation to power on.

Brucie laid on the horn for the next verse. “Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up, tonight I’mma fight till we see the sun light! Tick tock, on the clock, but the party don’t stop no!”

Rainbow jeered. “This is awesome.”

Niko turned to look at her. Roman and Brucie continued singing. Niko didn’t know this part. “Having fun!?” he asked jokingly.

“Yeah!” she yelled. Rainbow had had her fair share of alcohol too. Niko was surprised at her tolerance.
Brucie rounded a sharp corner on the dirt road. Billows of dust glowed red in the taillights behind them. The high-beams cut through the night.

Roman tossed Niko a flask. Without even checking the contents, Niko took a swig. He gagged. “Brucie, what the fuck!” he swore. “Who drinks peppermint schnapps!?”

He waved his arm, breaking off from the song and leaving Roman to go it alone. “Not mine!”

“Sure thing!” Niko tossed the flask back to Roman, who examined it for a second before tossing it out the window. They blew by a sign labeled, ‘Sweet Apple Acres.’

“Get ready,” Brucie warned. He held up a finger, waiting for a point in the song.

“Now the party don’t start till I walk in,” he lip synced perfectly.

They started the chorus. “Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up, tonight I’mma fight till we see the sun light! Tick tock, on the clock, but the party don’t stop no!”

Niko clapped his hands to the beat, singing to the music. He looked around the car, still singing. Brucie was doing a full body dance. Roman waved his arms wildly, barely even matching the words. Rainbow nodded to the music, despite not knowing the words.

Niko looked ahead. He pointed a finger frantically out the windshield. “Tree!” A large oak loomed in the headlights.

Brucie turned to look at him. “What!?”

“Tree!” he repeated. Brucie looked forward in time to jerk the wheel. The car replied sluggishly. Brucie covered his face

Niko grabbed the handle to his right for what it was worth. The car swerved slightly to the right, but it wasn’t enough.

The Sabre sideswiped the tree at an even seventy miles per hour. The world started to spin.

<= ______________

<= yeah, I don't really know either.

<= I'm serious this time. Please don't hurt me

~Sorren

I want to thank Spirit Shin for making this awesome model. I prides me to think that somone would actually take the time to go do something this awesome.

Part 8

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part 8

“What in Celestia’s name happened here?”

A voice rang in Niko’s head. His whole body ached. He opened his eyes to early morning sunlight.

He heard the voice again. “Just what the hay do ya’ reckon this thing is?”

Niko squinted against the light, trying to find the source of the voice. It sounded female, female and rural. He turned his head to examine his surroundings. Shattered glass lay all around him. There was a seat above him.

Niko took a moment to process the sight. With a painful grimace, he pushed himself to a sitting position. He was in a car, to be specific, an upside down car.

The limp shape of Brucie slumped beside Niko on the floor, or in this case, the roof. There was cut on his face. The blood had since dried and the wound scabbed over.

Niko prodded him. “Brucie?” he asked. “Are you okay?”

Brucie’s eyes shot open. He looked around sluggishly. “Man, my head hurts,” he groaned. “What happened?”

“Hello?” the unknown voice called again. “Somepony’s in that thing,” it declared.

“Look Applejack!” called another disembodied voice. “There’s something over here!” The new voice was very similar to the first, but much more shrill.

“Big Mac, go see what she’s talkin’ about.”

Niko turned to look into the back seat. Rainbow was sprawled on the vinyl roof of the sports car. A thin trickle of blood ran from a lengthily cut on her flank. Roman was nowhere to be seen.

“Rainbow?” Niko asked worriedly. She didn’t reply. “Rainbow?” he insisted.

She rolled onto her side to look at him. Her magenta eyes were unfocused and bloodshot. “What the hay happened?” She reached up a forehoof and rubbed a spot on her head.

Niko looked around. “I think that we crashed Brucie’s car.”

There was a tinkering of glass as Brucie drug himself out the shattered driver-side window.

“Who’re you?” the female voice asked.

“Oh my god!” Niko heard Brucie squeal. “You’re Applejack!”

“Um, yeah?” she said confusedly. “An’ yer’ a human,” she stated levelly.

Niko turned and drug himself out the passenger window. Rainbow followed right behind. He pushed himself to his feet and surveyed the scene.

They were in what appeared to be an apple orchard. An orange pony looked at him with a mixture of confusion and worry. Ironically, her tail and mane were fashioned in a ponytail. Her head sported a brown cowboy hat.

That made Niko wonder. What would a cowboy hat for ponies be called anyways. Cowmare hat? No, mare meant female. Cowbuck? Cowpony? That just sounded stupid.

“Hey, ah remember you,” she mused, breaking him out of his wandering thoughts. “aren’t ya that fella’ that wanted ta’ kill Pinkie with a cupcake?”

Niko nodded. “Pretty sure.”

Applejack’s eyes strayed from Niko to a spot behind him. “Rainbow? What’re you doin’ here?”

Rainbow stepped forward, looking a little tipsy. “I was with them.”

The orange pony’s gaze fell upon Rainbow’s flank. “Tarnations girl!” she exclaimed. “Yer’ bleedin.’”

Rainbow looked back to examine her own flank. “Whoa,” she awed. “I don’t think I’ve ever got a cut this big before.”

Niko bent over and examined the wound more closely. “It is not deep,” he reassured. “It will heal in few days.”

Rainbow shrugged. The cut really didn’t seem like much of a concern for her.

“Shit,” Brucie breathed heavily. He looked down at his car, or at least, what was left of it. “I knew that roll bar would come in handy.”

Niko silently thanked the roll bar as well. The Saber couldn’t even be portrayed as a car anymore. Cyan colored car parts were scattered along the improvised path they had taken through the orchard. He spotted the tree they had hit. Unluckily enough, it was the only oak in the sea of much smaller apple trees.

The only part of the vehicle still intact was the passenger area. The engine block had rolled an extra thirty feet and lay up against a tree. From the path they had left in their wake, it appeared as if they had rolled the car right through the middle of the orchard.

Applejack glared up at Brucie. She pointed a hoof angrily at the mangled wreckage of the vehicle. “Is this here yer’ contraption?”

“It was.” Brucie chuckled disappointedly at the wreck. “Good thing I have another one of these babies back in Liberty.”

Applejack pointed towards the spot where they had come off the road. “Just look what y’all gone an’ did!”
Several apple trees had been flattened in the vehicle’s wake.

Brucie took a sharp intake of air. “Oh, these are your trees,” he muttered.

Applejack raised her head proudly. “Yes. An’ ah don’t appreciate y’all crashing yer metal wagon into em. That’s like a hundred ruined apples.”

“Sorry AJ,” Brucie replied meekly.

Applejack shot him a curious look. “Now just how do ya’ know my name?”

“Applejack, look!” the shrill voice called. Niko spotted the source of the sound. It was a yellow-ish filly with crimson hair and a pink bowtie.

“What is it Applebloom?”

Applebloom motioned towards a larger red stallion. He was carrying a bundle of fabric in his mouth. He trotted over to them and set it down, taking careful eye of the two humans.

They were clothes. Niko examined them closer. They were Roman’s clothes. “What the hell?” he wondered aloud?”

Brucie looked on curiously. “Are those Roman’s clothes?”

“Yes.”

“So what?” Brucie scoffed. “He climbed out of the car, stripped off all his clothes, and went running around an apple orchard in the nude?”

Niko frowned. “Sounds like something Roman would do.” His phone started ringing.

Brucie laughed. “You get reception here?”

Niko pulled out his phone. “Only incoming,” he replied, checking the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Who is it?” Brucie whispered.

Niko waved an arm at him. Applejack was looking rather confused.

“Niko, it is your cousin!” came Roman’s cheery voice.

Niko rolled his eyes. “Yes Roman, I have caller ID. Now where are you and why are you naked?”

“What are you talking about?” Roman asked. “One, I am not naked. And two, I called to find you. I thought you were coming home to penthouse last night.”

Niko scowled at the phone. “Roman, what are you talking about? I have not been in Liberty City for days.”

“Do whatever you want,” Roman said impartially. “Oh, yes,” he added. “On totally unrelated note, I had crazy dream last night. I dreamed that I crashed helicopter in forest near a place called Ponyville. You and Brucie were there too. I think I may have gotten into Jacob’s stuff.”

“Let me guess,” Niko drawled. “Rainbow colored pony was there too?”

Roman was silent for a moment. “How do you know that?” he asked nervously.

“Roman,” Niko changed topics. “Are you in Liberty City right now?”

“Yes,” Roman replied impatiently. “Now tell me, how do you know my dream?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Because it was not dream Roman.” Rainbow waved a hoof to get his attention.

“Are you talking to Roman on that thing?” she asked.
He nodded.

Roman laughed. “Very funny Niko. But really, how do you know my dream. Did I call while I was sleeping and tell you?”

“I am not joking,” Niko persisted. “I am at land of ponies right now. Rainbow pony is here too. Say hi Rainbow Dash.” He held out the phone to the cyan pegasus.

“Hey Roman, what’s up?” she said coolly. Niko took the phone back. “Did I do it right?” she asked quietly. Niko nodded.

“See,” he said to Roman. “I am in Equestria hanging out with Brucie and Rainbow Dash.”

Roman moaned on the other end of the line. “It was not dream.”

“Roman?” Niko persisted. “How did get back to Liberty?”

“I do not know.” Roman sounded flustered. “I just remember riding with Brucie in car. Then I wake up in bathtub.

“If I did not know better, I would say you had long night of drinking with Brucie. But Brucie is here with me. If you were not here with me last night as well I would think you got drunk and met American girl at Burger Shot.”

“Niko,” Roman’s voice deadpanned. “You are not funny. Can’t you see I am under severe emotional strain?”

Niko felt it was time to wrap up the conversation. “Look at bright side,” he said in a dismissive tone. “You are back in Liberty City with Mallorie.”

“Yes,” his cousin replied. “I am at least glad for that.”

“I will speak with you later cousin. Right now, I have an angry orange pony wondering what happened to her apple trees.”

“All right Niko, I will speak with you later then.”

Niko ended the call and pocketed the phone. “Roman is back in Liberty City,” he declared.

Brucie scoffed. “Sucks for him.”

“I know right?” Niko added. He remembered that there were still four ponies watching him.

“How’s Roman?” Rainbow asked.

Niko chuckled. “He woke up back in Liberty City in bathtub.”

Applejack looked the two humans over in turn. “I know yer’ Niko,” she stated, pointing a hoof at him. She then turned to Brucie. “Who’re you an’ why did ya’ break my apple trees?”

Brucie held out his arms in a gesture of defense. “Hey, I didn’t mean to.”

Applejack examined the carnage. “How could ya’ get a wagon goin’ fast enough ta’ do that much damage anyhow?”

Brucie facepalmed. “This thing isn’t…” He paused. “Wasn’t a wagon. I could have hit a hundred fifty in that thing easy.”

Applejack cocked her head. “Pardon?”

Brucie thought for a moment. “Okay,” he explained. “Take a wagon as fast as you can pull it, and then multiply that by ten.”

Applejack rolled her eyes to the right of her skull, going over the numbers in her head. “That’s pretty fast,” she mused.

“Yeah,” Brucie smacked his lips and looked around. “So yeah, sorry about killing your trees.”

The orange pony shrugged. “Don’t worry none. I got hundreds more of them.”

“What are you things?” the little filly named Applebloom asked the two humans.

“We are humans,” Niko replied, knowing by now that that always passed as the best answer. “My name is Niko.” He motioned towards Brucie, who was marveling at a very uncomfortable looking Applejack. “And this is Brucie.”

Applejack took a nervous step back. “Uh, does he always… stare?”

Niko reached over and tapped Brucie on the side of the head. “It is rude to stare. Stop it, you are scaring orange pony.”

Brucie tore his eyes away from Applejack and gave his head a shake.” Sorry, zoned out there for a minute.”

Niko changed the subject. “We need to get back to Ponyville.”

“Can they come to our house?” Applebloom asked excitedly.

Niko and Brucie exchanged a glance. Brucie nodded vigorously.

“They can walk back to Ponyville,” Applejack insisted. “It ain’t too far. ‘Sides, ah doubt they’d want ta’ stay out here.”

“I would not mind,” Niko implied.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah see no harm in em’ stayin’ with us for a night.”

Brucie made a fist and pumped his arm triumphantly.

Niko looked around. “Do you live in tree like Twilight Sparkle pony?”

“No man,” Brucie corrected. “She lives on a farm.”

Applejack glared at him. “An’ just how the hay do ya’ know that?”

Brucie laughed and shook his head. “Sorry, I’ll stop.” Niko got the feeling that Brucie was purposefully refusing to answer the question.

“Applebloom,” her older sister instructed. “Go off an’ play with your friends for a while. We have older pony… and human things to talk about.”

Applebloom made a pouty face. “Aww, do I have ta?’”

“Yes,” Applejack made a hoof movement, suggesting the filly leave them be. “Ya’ can talk with em’ later.”

“Fine,” the little filly grudgingly turned and stalked away.

Applejack motioned towards Rainbow Niko and Brucie. “Y’all can come with me. We’ll talk while we walk.”

“Okay,” Niko said impartially. Brucie on the other hand seemed ecstatic.

Applejack set a swift pace through the orchard.

“So, where are we going?” Niko asked.

“My farmhouse,” she replied.

“Sweet,” Brucie did a little skip as he walked.

Applejack threw a backwards glance at Brucie. “Now from what ah’ know of humans, I ain’t got no reason to dislike em.’ But you gotta’ stop tellin’ me things about myself. Ah don’t like it one bit.”

“Just ignore Brucie,” Niko told her. “He is just a little weird.”

“I agree with Niko,” Rainbow put in.
Brucie looked over at her. “Hey,” he protested, a hurt look in his eye.

“I mean you’re cool and all,” Rainbow added quickly. “But really, you painted your car the same color as me. Don’t you think that’s just a little creepy?”

Brucie thought for a moment. “I guess, if you put it that way…”

“Come on.” Applejack said on a cheery note. “Ah’ll show you all the farm. But I got some questions to ask ya’ first.”

* * *

“There you are!” Scootaloo exclaimed from the tree stump. “It’s about time you got here.”

“Take it easy,” Applebloom replied. “Ah’m here now, ain’t I?”

“Finally,” Sweetie Belle groaned. “I’m tired of sitting around this boring old orchard.”

“What took you so long?” inquired Scootaloo.

“Some weird thing crashed in the orchard an’ ah went with Applejack ta’ go see what it was.”

Sweetie Belle looked curious. “What was it?”

Applebloom shrugged. “I’unno, some wagon thing.” She didn’t want to tell her friends about the two humans right now. They would be asking her questions from here until sundown.

“What do we have planned for today?” Applebloom asked her two friends.

The two fillies exchanged a glance. “We thought you would have something,” Sweetie Belle said.

Applebloom glared. “You were the ones with all this time ta’ sit around an’ think. Why haven’t you all thought a’ something?’”

“Hey, I have an idea!” Scootaloo exclaimed. The other fillies’ ears perked curiously. “Let’s go into town and see if we can find Rainbow Dash.”

Applebloom shook her head. “Rainbow isn’t in town.”

“How do you know?” Scootaloo asked defensively.

Applebloom almost told her that Rainbow was with Applejack. But she remembered her sister had asked for some time alone. “She said somethin’ about bein’ in Cloudsdale today,” she improvised.

Scootaloo threw a sideways glance at her wings. “Dang,” she muttered. Her enthusiasm perked up. “I know! We can go into town and mess with Rarity’s cat!”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Doesn’t bother me.”

Applebloom nodded. “Good idea Scoots.”

The little pegasus cantered over to her scooter. She motioned towards the wagon hitched to the back. “Come on!”

The two fillies ran to the wagon and hopped in.

Scootaloo mounted her means of transportation and looked back at them. “Hold onto your horseshoes girls.” Her wings buzzed to life and the wagon shot forward with a sudden burst of speed. Scootaloo may not have been able to fly, but that didn’t mean her wings weren’t powerful. She just didn’t seem to have the ability to produce upward lift. She would get it eventually.

The three fillies shot out of the clearing and onto the road, Scootaloo making a fast pace towards town.

“Do ya’ think Rarity’ll get mad if we mess with Opalescence?” Applebloom asked Sweetie Belle.

“Not sure,” she replied. “But it’s going to be fun.”

There was a heavy jolt that rocked the whole wagon. Scootaloo let out a surprised yell as she was sprung from her scooter into the air.

Without their driver, the two fillies could only brace themselves as the wagon turned sideways and rolled.

Sweetie Belle was the first to pick herself up. She glared at Scootaloo, who had landed a few feet away. “Why’d you have to go and crash you dodo!?” she reprimanded.

“It’s not like I tried to crash,” the orange filly replied. “I hit something in the road.” She rolled to her hooves and trotted back the way they had come.

Applebloom rubbed her head. “Wha’ happened?”

Sweetie Belle was examining a scuff on her flank. “We crashed,” she replied moodily.

Scootaloo trotted back over to them with a shiny piece of silver metal in her jaws. “Shee,” she spat the container onto the ground. “This is the thing that crashed us.”

Applebloom turned it over with her hoof. “What do ya’ reckon it is?”

“Looks like some sort of drink container,” Sweetie Belle implied. She picked it up and shook it in her forehooves. She was rewarded with the sound of liquid sloshing in its depths.

“See,” she said triumphantly. “I told you so.”

Scootaloo snatched it from the white filly’s hooves to examine it herself. “How do you open it?”

Applebloom pulled it from Scootaloo’s grasp. “It looks like the top comes off. She held the container out to Sweetie Belle. “You got magic; you open it.”

Sweetie Belle took the container in her magic, and with some experimentation, screwed the lid off. She peered down at the liquid inside.

“What’s in it?” Applebloom asked.

Sweetie Belle levitated it over to the yellow filly. “I don’t know. Some sort of liquid.”

cootaloo rolled her eyes. “Well somepony needs to taste it to see what it is.”

Sweetie Belle glared. “I’m not tasting it.”

“Fine,” Applebloom interjected. “Ah’ll taste it.”

Tentatively, she grasped the container and brought it to her lips. She took a small sip and scrunched her face.

What’s it taste like?” Scootaloo asked.

Applebloom cocked her head, thinking. “Tastes kinna’ like a candy cane.”

“What?” Scootaloo snatched it from her. “No it doesn’t.” She took an experimental sip as well. She frowned. “It does taste like a candy cane.”

“Let me try some!” Sweetie Belle said eagerly.

* * *

Applejack leveled her gaze with the three of them. “So y’all are tellin’ me…” She pointed at Niko and Brucie, excluding Rainbow. “that you two magically teleported here? The hairless one brought his metal wagon thing. Then y’all got drunk on apple juice an’ crashed it in the middle of my apple orchard?”

Niko looked casually around the barn, trying to ignore the orange pony’s prying stare. “Yes,” he replied. “That is about right.”

Applejack cocked an eyebrow then scratched a spot on her head. “Ah didn’t even think ya’ could get drunk off’a apple juice.”

Niko gave her a serious look. “It is special apple juice.”

Applejack frowned. “Well then, tha’s different.’” She looked tentatively around the room. “Say,” she muttered under her breath. “Ya’ wouldn’t happen ta’ know how ta’ make that special apple juice… would ya?’”

Niko shook his head. “Sorry, no.” He leaned over to the orange mare until he could whisper in her ear. “But I think Berry Punch might be able to help you with key ingredient.”

Applejack threw him a glance. “Berry punch, really?”
Niko nodded

Applejack returned the nod, looking thoughtful. “Well, ah’ guess ah’ll have ta’ ask her about that.”

The barn door burst open to reveal a very disgruntled Applebloom. She stumbled towards them, giggling. “Hey AJ,” she breathed heavily.

Applejack balked. Rainbow prodded Niko in the side. He stooped over for her to whisper in his ear. “Did you give her some of the apple juice?” she asked quietly.

Niko shook his head. “I do not think so.”

“Applebloom, are ya’ feelin’ okay?” Applejack asked her sibling worriedly.

“Yeah,” she slurred casually. “Me an’ the girls just been out drinkin’ a candy cane.”

Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “Drinkin’ a candy cane?”

“Yeah,” Applebloom replied. “Tastes kinna’ like what granny Smith drinks on Hearths Warming Eve.”

Brucie gasped at the mention of the name ‘granny Smith.’

Applejack kept her prying gaze on her little sister. “Ya’ wanna’ tell me exactly how yer’ s’posed ta’ drink a candy cane?”

Applebloom thought for a moment. “Oh it’s real easy,” she eventually replied. “Ya’ just put it in yer’ mouth an… you know, drink it.”

Applejack turned a knowing glance on the Rainbow pony and two humans behind her. “What was that y’all were sayin’ about special apple juice?”

Niko held out his arms defensively. “Hey, do not look at me. I just got out of car crash.”

Applejack trotted over to her sister and put a caring hoof around the tipsy foal. “Come on Applebloom. Let’s get ya’ to bed.” She turned and shot a reprimanding glance at the three fugitives in her barn. Both Rainbow and Brucie lowered their eyes to the ground. But Niko kept his eyes fixed firmly on the cowpony’s.

“Ah’ll be havin’ another, more serious talk with y’all later.”

* * *

Two men waited in a dark alley. Each of them sported a black hoodie. The hoods on both men covered their heads and most of their faces. The African American reached into his pocket and felt a roll of twenties. The Caucasian to the right caressed a pistol inside his hoodie pocket.

Both men looked up as an SUV came to a stop at the mouth of the alley, the headlights cutting like knives in the dark night. Two black males exited the vehicle and made their way over to the two men in the alley.

“You got the stuff?” the man with the twenty roll asked.

The bulkier of the two dealers motioned towards his bulging coat pocket. “Depends,” he replied coolly. “What’re you carryin?’” The dealer greatly resembled Biz Markie

The buyer produced the tight roll of twenties. The dealer nodded and produced his own package.

They made the transaction and the dealer tipped an imaginary hat. “Pleasure doing business wit’ you.”

He turned to leave, but froze at the sight of flashing blue and red lights. Tires screeched outside the alley as multiple cars pulled up to the entrance.

The buyer pointed angrily at the flashing colors. “The fuck is this shit!?”

The dealer raised his arms in a defensive gesture. “I don’t know nothing about this man!”

The Caucasian pulled his gun. “That’s bullshit man!”

The dealer’s protection drew his own piece. “Put that shit away!” he demanded.

The four men could hear shouted commands from the street. Tires screeched and a single siren wailed for a moment as another police car pulled up.

“They were working for the fucking cops!” the buyer’s protection said accusingly.

The bulky dealer motioned towards himself frantically. “Do I look like the kinna’ guy that’d be workin’ for the damn cops?”

“We know you’re in there!” Boomed a voice amplified by a loudspeaker. “You have thirty seconds to put down your weapons and surrender or we will use force!”

“Shit!” the dealer stomped his foot and put his hands on his head, spinning in a flustered circle. “If I get caught with this much shit I’m never gonna’ see daylight again.”

The dealer’s protection threw down his weapon. “Man, fuck this shit!” He turned and bolted from the alley.

“Freeze!” bellowed the voice over the loudspeaker. “I said freeze, or we will shoot!” Gunfire filled the air.

“Shit!” yelled the dealer.

The buyer’s protection trained his pistol on the dealer. “This is your fault,” he growled.

The dealer raised his hands and backed up. “Whoa man, take it easy.”

The protection jabbed at the dealer with his gun as if it were a knife. “Don’t you fucking tell me to take it easy!” he bellowed in the dealer’s face. “I’m about to go to jail! For a really long time!”

“Ten seconds!” the loudspeaker boomed.

The Caucasian pocketed his gun and lunged at the dealer. He slammed the bulky man up against the wall of the alley, hands fastened firmly in his throat.

There was a blinding flash of white light and the two men disappeared.

The buyer stared dumbstruck for a moment. He waved his arms frantically at the spot where the two men had been, his face contorted with fear and confusion. “The fuck!?”

“That’s it!” the loudspeaker informed him. “We’re coming in!”

Uniformed officers began to pour through the mouth of the alley. The buyer got down on his knees and put his hands behind his head. The only evidence he had to prove that the other two men had been there was a pocket full of cocaine.

<=I am really disapointed with myself. I cannot rely on nothing but getting everyone drunk. I think this will be the last of the booze stuff. It's getting way too... repetive. I can't believe i let myself do it for so long already.

~Sorren

Oh, and for those of you that cannot relate to biz. Here is a reference.

Part 9

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part Nine

Niko lie awake. He couldn’t sleep. For the past two hours he had found himself staring up at the barn roof. Brucie snored loudly by his side. Rainbow wasn’t here. She had decided to sleep at her own place tonight.

He couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong. Somehow, he had been transported here. He had no idea how or why, but there had to be some reason. Then somehow Roman had ended up here. Then Brucie of all people.

Niko wasn’t much of a person to go seeking out the bad side of things; but he couldn’t help but wonder. What if he and his friends weren’t the only ones that could end up here? What would happen if Liberty’s more corrupted began to show up here? These were ponies. They had no means of defending themselves. He doubted more than a few of them even knew what death was.

Niko was on edge. These were ponies. And it seemed a little awkward, but his friends too. He didn’t want anything to happen to them. They weren’t like people. People were mean and brutal. No matter what, humans would find a way to fight. Humans would hate and kill each other just for being different.

Niko couldn’t deny it. He had done a lot of killing in his life. Not because he wanted to, but because he had to. For his country. For his safety. For peace.

Ponies did not fight. They did not have wars. They were all nice to each other. All that radiated from the little colorful creatures was kindness and joy. Even the mean ponies were nice. The meanest pony here could easily amount to the nicest person in Liberty City.

He sat up. There was no point in trying to sleep anymore. Bright moonlight filtered into the barn from a window in the hayloft. “Ponies,” he muttered. Niko chuckled lightly “So much better than humans. I do not care if there is no cheap American television or fast food."

Niko pushed himself to his feet and walked to the barn door. Leaving Brucie and his raucous snoring behind, he set out into the cool night air. Despite the weather always seeming to be nice in Ponyville, the nighttime air had a biting chill to it. Niko hugged his jacket close to him and set off for a destination he did not yet know.

A white flash emanated from somewhere near the edge of the Everfree forest. Niko stood, wondering whether or not to investigate. He figured ponies didn’t have many things that would be able to create a bright white flash of light. Of course he would have to go investigate it.

Niko set towards the spot where he was pretty sure the flash had been. As he neared, the sound of movement could be heard in the undergrowth, behind a patch of trees.

“What the fuck did you do!?” said a panicked voice.

A much deeper, worried voice replied. “Man don’t point that shit at me!”

Niko crept closer, avoiding noisy patches of undergrowth that could signify his presence.

“Where the hell are we?” the first voice insisted.

There was an awkward silence between the two men. Finally, the deeper voice replied with heavy exasperation and irritation. “Man, does it look like I know where the fuck we are!?”

“You’re a drug dealer. You’re supposed to know about this shit.” The lighter voice replied. Niko figured he was most likely Caucasian.

The so called ‘dealer’ struggled for words, in shock from the sheer arrogance of the other man. “When does me being a drug dealer make any o’ this shit make sense?”

Niko crept around a tree to spot the two arguing men. One was a rather husky black man. The other, a white male, dressed in punk clothes and a black hoodie. He held a shaky pistol in his hand, directed at the black man, who’s hands were poised in the air.

The gun wielder’s back was to Niko. He stepped out from behind the tree and slowly crept towards the two arguing men. The husky man spotted Niko over the gunman’s shoulder and his eyes widened. Niko held a finger to his own lips to signify the man stay silent.

“You did something weird to me,” the white man growled.

“Hey man,” the other replied. “You need to calm down.”

Niko was now right behind the gunman. “Don’t you know you should not point guns at people?” he asked casually.

The hoodie clad man jumped and attempted to turn the gun on Niko. Almost casually, Niko grabbed his wrist and twisted it. The man cried out in pain and fell to his knees, dropping the pistol. Niko gave a hard shove that sent the man sprawling on his chest. He bent down and picked up the dropped weapon.

“Now I have gun,” he declared with a threatening tone. He pointed at the man still on the ground. “Now get up and go stand next to big man or I will use gun.”

The thick black man lowered his hands and stepped forward. “Hey man, thanks. I thought that—”

Niko trained the weapon on him “You too burger shot!”

The man’s jaw dropped. He looked around in confusion. “The fuck is this?” he asked angrily. “I thought you was savin’ my ass.”

“No,” Niko corrected condescendingly. “I am wondering just why the hell you are here.”

The dealer spread his arms. “Me too!”

The punk stepped forward intimidatingly. “Just who in the hell do you think you are!? I should—”

Niko trained the pistol. “You, shut up. I am talking with burger shot.”

Niko gave an exasperated sigh and looked the two men over. “Okay, we are going to play game.” He stared at the two menacingly. “Game is, you walk ahead of me and I tell you where to walk. If you do it wrong, I use gun to help you. Understand?”

They both nodded.

Niko motioned towards the barn in the distance. “Go,” he instructed. They complied and set off. Niko walked five feet behind them, pistol at the ready.

“Where are we?” the man with the strong resemblance to Biz Markie asked.

“A place you should not be,” Niko replied flatly.

The two stopped in front of the barn door. Niko prodded the hoodie punk with the pistol “Open it.”

He complied. Niko led them into the barn and closed the door. He reached up and lit the oil lantern that hung from one of the rafters, casting dull yellow light around the barn.

Brucie still had not moved. Loud snores came from his curled form as be burrowed his head into an improvised hay pillow.

“Brucie, wake up,” Niko called out. “We have visitors.”

Brucie sat up with a grunt, blinking sleep from his eyes. A few stray strands of hay clung to his mostly hairless head. His gaze fell on the new arrivals and his expression darkened. “Niko man, what the hell is this?”

Niko shook his head. “I am not sure. Liberty City scum?” Niko kept the weapon trained, pondering the two men in front of him. “Go get rope,” he told Brucie.

The punk dresser glared at Niko. “Hey man,” the black man stated. “I’m just a dealer. I do what I gotta’ do.”

Brucie hurried over to a trunk against the far wall and began to dig through its contents. A moment later, he emerged with a coil of rope.

Niko exchanged the gun for Brucie’s rope. “Cover me,” he told Brucie. “If they move to fast, shoot them.”

He walked over to the two men and tied them together at the waist, much to their indignation. Then he tied their feet separately together.

The punk dresser pulled angrily on the ropes. “Can I ask why the fuck you’re tying me to this fat bastard?” he asked with sarcastic anger.

“Because,” Niko replied, finishing a knot. “I do not want Liberty City scum walking around in Ponyville. It will end badly.”

The dealer shot Niko a look over his shoulder, his face contorted in disgusted confusion. “Ponyville?” he asked with condescending criticism. “What kinna’ shit you on?”

“What are you going to do with them?” Brucie asked, lowering the gun.

Niko shrugged. “Leave them in the barn and tell farmpony not to open door.”

Niko looked down at the two angry men, tied up and lying on the floor. “We have problem,” he declared.

Brucie looked up. “Problem?”

“They will not be only ones,” Niko stated matter-of-factly. Brucie just raised an eyebrow. Niko sighed. “I came to Equestria somehow, then Roman, then you, now them. There will be more soon. Watch, it will happen.”

Brucie scrunched his brow. “That sounds like it could be a bad thing.”

Niko nodded solemnly. “Could you image how bad it would be if some of the bad people from Liberty got here?”

Brucie shot him an understanding look. “The ones from Liberty, yeah.”

Niko sighed. There was nothing he could do about this. Slowly, he turned to Brucie. He had an idea. “Brucie?” he asked.

Brucie tore his gaze away from the two angry men to peer at Niko. “Yeah?”

“You seem to know everything about ponies,” Niko stated. “Is there like, head pony I can talk to or something?”

Brucie nodded almost immediately. “Yeah dude, that’s Princess Celestia.”

Niko shot him a flat look. “Princess Celestia?”

“I’m not joking,” Brucie persisted. “She’s the princess of Equestria. She runs everything.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Okay, how would I speak with Princess Celestia?”

“Talk with Twilight,” Brucie replied simply.

Niko nodded. He set off towards the barn door.

“Where’re you going?” Brucie asked.

“To see Twilight,” Niko replied over his shoulder. “Watch our new friends while I am away.”

“But Niko,” Brucie protested. Niko waved his arm in a sign of dismissal and left the barn.

* * *

“Twilight!” Niko called, banging on the door of the tree house-combo-library-thing. The walk from Sweet Apple Acres to Ponyville had taken less than an hour and the moon still shone brightly in the sky. “I have to speak with you! It is important!”

The door flew open to reveal a very annoyed looking lavender pony. “Can’t you ever talk to me during the day?” she asked with heavy exasperation. “This is a library, not a check-in-any-time-you-want motel.” The purple unicorn sported bags under tired eyes and her two-toned mane was disheveled from sleep.

“Tell him to go away!” Spike called from within the domain. “I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in days!”

“What do you need Niko?” Twilight asked, trying her best to sound eager to help. “And where’s Roman?”

“Roman found way back to Liberty,” Niko replied

Twilight looked curious. “Well that’s odd. How’d he do that?”

Niko shook his head. “I do not know.”

“Oh, well here, come in,” Twilight added generously. Niko ducked through the doorway into the house. He heard Spike’s indignant groan from upstairs. There was really nowhere for him to sit so he plopped down in the middle of the floor, propping his feet and resting the crook of his elbows on his knees.

Twilight addressed him with forced patience. “Now what was so important that you couldn’t wait until daytime to tell me?”

Niko thought a moment about how to put it. After some thought, he started. “Have you noticed how people keep magically appearing here?”

Twilight nodded. “Of course. They don’t come here too often. But when they do, they always seem to find me to talk to of all ponies.”

Niko continued. “Well I think it is becoming big problem.”

Twilight furrowed her brow at him. “Why’s that? Humans haven’t ever done much harm here.”

Niko dismissed her comment with a wave. “Here is where we have problem. I am from Liberty City. Roman is my cousin; he is also from there. Brucie got here yesterday with a whole car. And now, just an hour ago, two people I do not know appeared at Applejack’s farm.”

Twilight frowned. “Where are they now?”

"Tied up in Applejack’s barn.”

The lavender unicorn maintained her curious gaze. “Why are they tied up?”

“Because they are bad people,” Niko replied. “This is why I am worried,” he added. “Most people in Liberty City are bad. And if some of those bad people get here, we will have big problem.”

She nodded. “Okay? So what do you want to do?”

Niko rubbed his chin. “Friend of mine told me that you can talk to Princess Celestia. Can we take the problem up with her?”

Twilight pondered the thought for a moment, rolling her eyes to the top of her head. “I don’t think she’d appreciate me sending her a letter in the middle of the night.”

Niko groaned. “But it is important.”

Twilight shot him a look that suggested he was a child begging for food in the grocery store. “Honestly, how important can it be?”

Niko stood up. “You want to see how important this is?” he said irritably. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the pistol he had seized from the hoodie-punk. “See this?” he said, brandishing the weapon.

Twilight looked skeptical. “Yeah,” she said slowly.

Niko pointed to a stack of books in the corner of the library. “Watch books,” he commanded.

He took quick aim with the pistol and fired. The weapon discharged loudly and shards of paper flew like party confetti. The stack toppled over, scattering hard back books across the floor.

Spike bolted down the stairs like a purple blur. “What happened!?” he asked urgently.

Niko tucked the weapon back into his jacket pocket. “It was just little demonstration.”

Twilight ran over to the toppled stack of bucks and pulled out a shredded hardback. “What the hay was that!?” she balked. “You put a hole right through ’Caneighdia: A History.’ I was hoping someday somepony might actually want to read that.”

“That… is a gun,” Niko said, putting as much intimidation in his voice as possible. “Almost every person in Liberty City has one of these. Some of them have even bigger ones. More bad people, with guns, will end up here; and they may not like ponies.” Niko motioned towards the shredded book Twilight levitated by her side. “Guns will do that to ponies too. Now do you see problem?”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Yeah,” she murmured, eyes lost in thought. “Spike,” she said commandingly. “Take a letter to the Princess.”

Spike, who had been heading for the stairs, stopped to look back at her. “Right now?”

Twilight trotted up to the baby dragon and waved the book in his face. She shot Spike an urgent look through the hole in the center. “Did you just see that?” she said insistently. “This is urgent!”

Spike held up his hands. “Alright, alright.” Spike ran over to a nearby desk and produced a quill and scroll. He dipped the quill in the inkpot and poised the utensil over the paper. The baby dragon rolled his eyes up to look at Twilight, such as an important interviewer would do.

“Dear, Princess Celestia,” Twilight started, trotting back and forth around the room. The baby dragon began scribbling furiously on the paper. “I have caught wind of an upcoming crisis. The details are extensive and would be much easier to explain in person rather in forms of a written letter. I would like to schedule a chance for us to speak as soon as possible. It is unknown to me when this upcoming crisis may occur but I can assure you that disaster may be imminent.” She paused for effect. “Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike made an over exaggerated movement of dotting the last sentence and looked over the scroll approvingly. “And done,” he declared.

Twilight nodded. “Good, send it.”

He watched as the little dragon raised the scroll, and to Niko’s surprise, breathed a heavy wisp of green flame on it. The scroll went up in smoke.

Niko raised a confused finger and pointed it at Spike. “What?” he asked confusedly.

“That’s how he sends letters to the Princess,” Twilight clarified. “it’s a lot faster than letting the mail ponies get around to it.”

Niko was still slightly confused, but nodded. “So it is kind of pony e-mail?”

Twilight sat down and looked at Niko ponderingly. “What’s so bad about humans?” she asked. “So far, the one’s I have met haven’t been too bad. Sure, they’re always strange. But you’re talking about other humans as if they’re all scum.”

Niko thought a moment about how to reply. “Liberty City is different from other places. It is filled with worst kind of people possible. There are hundreds and hundreds of drug dealers. There’s thieves, criminals, murderers…” Niko hesitated. “I do not know of way to describe to a pony what those people do.”

Twilight listened intently as he spoke, her impression both intrigued and worried. Niko continued. “Humans, will hurt other humans for being different. They will do the same to ponies.”
Spike interjected. “There’s no way anyone can be that bad, even a human. Even if they are weird and crazy, but not like that.”

Niko leveled his gaze with the baby dragon. “Trust me; I know what I am talking about.”

“How are you so sure?” Twilight asked, a prying tone in her voice.

Niko hesitated. “Because,” he finally answered. “I used to be like them.”

Twilight’s eyes widened in surprise. “Did you… kill people?”

He exhaled deeply. Niko met the unicorn’s gaze and gave her a single, slow nod. “I am not proud of it. It is one of the many things I wish I had never done.”

Twilight shuffled her hooves nervously. “Well, you don’t seem like that now.” She cast a nervous look around. “Isn’t that right Spike?”

Spike, who had been pretending to intrigue himself with something on a bookshelf, looked up. “Yeah, right.” He went back to pretending to focus.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well thanks for the support, Spike.”

Spike didn’t look up. “Don’t mention it.”

Twilight turned her gaze back to Niko. “If you really do know what you’re talking about, and I’m pretty sure you do. Then we need to find a way to prevent this. This could be a major—”

Niko held out his hand in a gesture for silence. He dug in his pocket and removed the phone. “Hello?” he answered.

“Niko, it is your cousin!” came a familiar cheery voice.

“Hello Roman,” he replied. “How are things going back in Liberty?”

There was a moment of silence on the line. “Niko,” Roman said seriously. “You are not going to believe this.”

<= Sorry about the long wait for so little chapter. I have been very busy lately with a lot of other stories and some stupid thing called life. I'll try and pick up the pace in the future.

~Sorren

Part 10

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part Ten

Niko chuckled. “What am I not going to believe Roman? I have been living with ponies.” Roman tried to say something but Niko cut him off. “No no no, let me guess. You are actually calling with something important to say?”

“Yes, Niko, I am,” Roman replied irritably. “Now can you please let me speak?”

Niko allowed himself a satisfied smile. “Yes Roman. Okay, now seriously, tell me, what is so important?”

Roman took a deep breath. “Okay, you are not going to believe this cousin. There is big—”

“Hold on one second Roman,” Niko cut him off. “Let me put you on speaker phone.” He leaned down to Spike. “Could you go get Brucie for me? He is at the farm.”

“All that way, at night?” Spike asked skeptically.

“Yes,” Niko replied firmly.

After receiving an insistent look from Twilight, the baby dragon left to fetch Brucie.

Niko switched the phone to speaker.

Roman’s voice bellowed from the speakers. “Would you shut the hell up!? I am trying to talk to Niko!”

Twilight cringed away from the phone.

“What is going on Roman?” Niko insisted.

“Sorry about that,” Roman replied. “So I am standing here, looking out apartment window at the fat American lady statue. I do not know what is happening. But there is like… big bubble around it.”

Niko raised an eyebrow at the phone. “Big bubble?”

“Yes. It is like some big electrical storm. But it’s around a bubble that is around the big statue. The police have all the waterways shut down. They won’t let anybody near it.” Roman paused. “Niko, I think something really bad is happening.”

Niko shot a look at Twilight. “Why do you think that?” he asked Roman.

“Because inside bubble, I can see magical colorful world like I was in yesterday. And there is obnoxious pink pony in my house!” He bellowed the last sentence at the top of his lungs.

Twilight’s head jerked upward. “Wait what!?”

“Hi… everypony!” came a very familiar voice. Niko dropped his face into the palm of his hand.

Roman’s voice could be heard over the phone. “Would you stop bouncing!? You remind me of a fucking pogo stick!”

“Roman,” Niko said levelly. “You need to calm down.”

“You are right cousin,” he replied after a minute. “I have just been flustered. I have not slept since I woke up last morning in bathtub wondering why I was in bathtub. Now it is morning in Liberty City and there is big portal thingy to pony world and pink pony in my penthouse. You can say it has not been best day.”

“Roman,” Niko said urgently. “Did you just say portal?”

“Did he just say portal?” Twilight asked more insistently.

Roman took a moment to reply. “Oh shit Niko. Sorry, I will have call you back.”

“Roman, wait!” The line went dead Niko swore and pocketed the phone. He turned to Twilight. “What could possibly be so important?” he said mockingly.

* * *

“Oh shit Niko. Sorry, I will have to call you back.” Roman ended the call and pocketed the phone.

He turned to the pink pony bouncing by his side. “What are you doing here!?”

“What are you doing here!?” Pinkie replied with joyful venom in her voice.

Roman brought his arms out to his sides and motioned around the living room. “This is my house.”

“Well what am I doing in your house!?” she replied accusingly.

Roman had to stop to think about the question. He stepped backwards and flopped down on the couch. “You are fun to hang out with for first hour,” he said, exasperation lining every syllable. “Then you turn into annoying pink blob!”

Pinkie’s smile froze on her face. It hovered there a moment longer before slowly contorting into a fat lip. “You… you don’t like me?” she whimpered.

Roman hurriedly waved his arms in front of him. “No, I-I did not mean it like that.”

To his horror, the pink pony burst out in tears. “No, stop crying!” he insisted frantically. “Please, it will be okay.”

“No!” she yelled at him, darting like a bullet into the open kitchen.

Roman stood up and chased after her. “Wait!” he called. “Stop running from me! We can still be friends!” He chased the pink bullet around the kitchen. But she poised herself on the other side of the island, always keeping her distance from him.

“No!” she yelled. “Apologize first!”

“I am sorry!” he yelled back.

“Not good enough!” Pinkie pulled open a cupboard drawer and began throwing pots and pans at him. Roman stuck up his hands defensively. One of the pans struck him in the shin and he hobbled backwards on one foot. Metal clattered loudly on the tile floor.

“Stop ruing my kitchen!” he pleaded, voice barely heard over the racket.

There was a knock on the door. “Roman? What’s going on in there?”

“Shit,” he silently swore to himself. “Nothing Mallorie! The TV is just up really loud! Just give me one second!” He turned his gaze back to the pink pony. “Would you stop it?” he whispered angrily.

“I’m coming in there Roman!” came Malliorie’s voice through the door. Roman heard the lock working.

Roman dashed forward. Taking the pink pony by surprise, he grabbed her up in his arms and shoved her in the cupboard. “You stay here,” he told her, closing the door in her face.

The front door opened and his girlfriend entered the penthouse. “What is going on in here Roman?” she asked in an exasperated tone.

Roman hurriedly flipped around and poised himself in front of the cupboard door. “Nothing,” he said nervously.

She fixed her gaze on the pots and pans strewn about the kitchen. “Right,” she swayed to her left hip and bore her eyes into his. “Why are my pots all over the floor?”

The door behind him slammed painfully against the back of his legs. Mallorie pointed to it angrily. “Roman, what is that?”

“Oh, um that.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It is a cat.”

She deadpanned. “Why is it in the cupboard?”

“Because it has rabies,” he suggested meekly

Mallorie strode towards him determinedly. “Yeah, I don’t think so. Move,” she demanded.

Roman held out his hands as she approached. “I do not think that is best idea.”

She pushed him out of the way. “I want to find out what’s going on.”

Roman backed away hurriedly. Mallorie knelt down and slowly opened the small door. “I don’t see anything in here,” she said irritably. “Roman, are you going crazy or something?” She stuck her head into the dark space.

There was a bloodcurdling scream, followed by a pink explosion. Mallorie keeled over backwards to land painfully on a cooking pot. Pinkie bolted out of the cupboard and made like a pink streak out of the kitchen.

“I don’t like this place!” she screamed. Roman couldn’t tell whether or not she was having fun or completely terrified, or both.

The pink pony ran to the front door, and to Roman’s immense surprise, managed to get it open.

“No, don’t go out there!” he bellowed. “You are a pony!”

Pinkie ignored him, instead, bolting out of the penthouse.

Roman ran to the door, and hesitated. Did he really want to go chasing a pink pony down the streets of Liberty?

“Roman! You have a lot of explaining to do!” growled Mallorie, picking herself up off the ground.

Roman made up his mind. Chase the pink pony. “We can talk later,” he said to her. “Bye honey.” He closed the door and sprinted down the hall, after the fleeing pink shape.

* * *

The five of them sat around Twilight’s library. There was really nothing to do but wait. Brucie stretched with a loud groan. Niko shot him a glare for breaking the silence while Rainbow sat in a corner reading a book titled ‘Daring Do.’

Spike sorted books on the shelf and Twilight paced the floor anxiously. “She should have replied by now,” the lavender unicorn said worriedly.

“Relax,” Spike said reassuringly. “She’s probably just busy with something.”

Rainbow looked up from her book. “Maybe she’s trying to teach you some sort of self-dependency lesson Twi,” she teased.

Spike hopped down from the ladder. “There isn’t that much to worry about,” he stated calmly. “It’s not like…” he paused. The baby dragon belched loudly. A wisp of green flame emanated from his mouth and a scroll, seemingly appeared from midair.

Twilight bolted over to the baby dragon and snatched the scroll out of the air before it had even reached the ground. “Mine!” she declared, challenging any of them to tell her otherwise.

She excitedly unrolled the scroll with the use of her magic and held it in front of her face. Her exited expression changed to that of worry and anger as she read the parchment.

“What is it?” Spike asked.

Twilight glared at the paper. “On vacation, brb, two weeks… What’s that supposed to mean!?” she said angrily.

Brucie stood up. “I’m pretty sure that means we’re screwed.”

Twilight balked. “How could she just blow me off like this?”

Rainbow marked the place in her book and set it aside. “Hey, if I were on vacation I’d do the same thing. No offense.”

Twilight hung her head and turned to Niko. “Well that puts a big hole in your plan, whatever it was.”

Brucie looked around at them all. “So, what are we gonna’ do now?”

Twilight started towards the door determinedly. “I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to Canterlot to talk to the princess right now.”

Brucie hurriedly got to his feet and rushed forward to intercept her. “Whoa, hold it there Twilight,” he said quickly. “If she has reason not to help I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want you showing up on spot.”

Twilight paused to shoot him a skeptical look. “How do you even know who the Princess is?”

He tugged on his collar and cleared his throat in a rather unorthodox manner. “Cause, I just do.”

The unicorn continued past him and pulled open the door, her horn glowing as she did so.

Niko was expecting her close the door behind her. Instead, she froze in the doorway. He waited for her to move but the mare stayed almost perfectly still. After a moment, Niko got to his feet and paced over to her.

“Are you okay?” he asked the frozen pony.

Twilight shook her head slowly. “We have a big problem.

Niko rolled his eyes. “That is what I have been trying to tell you.

Twilight raised a hoof and pointed to something outside. “Look,” she said.

Niko stooped down to peer through the low doorway. His jaw dropped. Over a row of houses, he could easily see the top half of a large round shape. Electricity crackled around it on the outside and mist swirled within. Inside the bubble, he could very faintly make out the top half of the Statue of Liberty.

“It’s a portal,” Twilight whispered.

Ponies in the street were beginning to take notice as well. Now that the sun was rising, the bubble was becoming noticeable.

Niko caught patches of two ponies’ conversation.

“What the hay is that?” one asked worriedly.

“I’m not sure,” the other replied. “But we should go see what it is.”

Niko pushed past Twilight and ran over to the small group of conjuring, worried ponies. “No,” he said insistently. “If you go near the big electric bubble you will die.” This may not have been entirely true; but there was no way he could let ponies go anywhere near that thing.

The group stared at him like he was some unknown being for a second before breaking apart in indignant mutters.

Twilight trotted up to meet him. “Well that was smooth,” she criticized.

Niko shot her an angry look. “I tired, okay.”

She changed topics. “So how are we going to deal with…” She trailed off, motioning towards the giant electric bubble.

Niko shook his head slowly. “We are going to have to find way to keep ponies away from it.”

Twilight nodded. “I’ll go get the others and tell them to start warning everypony.” She left him in the dimly lit street.

Niko’s phone started to ring. He pulled it out quickly and read the caller ID. It was Roman. He answered. “Roman, what is going on?”

“It will take me long time to explain right now cousin.”

Niko turned and began walking back to Twilights house. “So why did you call?”

“I hope you do not mind if I borrow your car.”

* * *

“Come back here!” Roman yelled to the fleeing pony.

She ignored him and charged out of the penthouse lobby. The doorman shot Roman a look and his jaw nearly dropped clear to the desk.

Roman charged out the front door and swung his head left and right. He spotted Pinkie running right. She was now charging down the sidewalk, drawing the eyes of everybody she passed.
Roman hurriedly pulled out his phone and called Niko. His cousin picked up on the first ring. “Roman, what is going on?” he asked.

“It will take me long time to explain right now cousin.” Roman ran for the black Hummer parked on the curb. He circled around to the driver’s side and pulled open the door.

“So why did you call?” Niko asked.

With a small amount of effort, Roman climbed into the high cab. It only took him about three seconds to find where Niko kept his keys. “I hope you do not mind if I borrow your car.” He would need two hands for this part. Roman ended the call and returned the phone to his pocket.

He jammed the key into the ignition and cranked the starter. The engine churned but didn’t turn over. Roman pounded the steering wheel, watching as the little pink pony gained distance on him. “Damn it, start!” he screamed at the vehicle. “This is not some shitty horror movie where car always sucks! Now fucking start!” He cranked the starter again and the engine turned over.

“Thank you!” Roman stomped on the gas pedal, very glad that the Hummer was an automatic. He chased after the pink pony, who had managed to amass a crowd trailing behind her. He weaved in and out of traffic, dodging both civilians and vehicles. He had never driven this fast in his life. And being in the cab industry, that was saying something.

A group of civilians began crossing the street in front of him. Roman slammed on the brakes and crammed his palm against the horn. The crossing people glared at him and hurried across. All but one of them.

An old white-haired lady with a walker stopped to give him the middle finger. “I’m walkin’ here!” she yelled at him in a raspy voice.

Roman threw a glance at the pink pony, who was now leaving him in the dust, again. He rolled down the window and hung his head out of the vehicle. “Hey, lady!” he yelled. “Get the hell out of the way!”

She raised the walker and thumped it against the bumper of the hummer. “I’ll move when I’m good and ready asshole.”

Roman waved his arms wildly about in the front seat. “Move your fat crippled ass before I run it the fuck over!”

The woman turned, startled, and hurriedly cleared him a path.

Once again he was speeding down the street, pink pony and the entire mob behind her growing in the windshield. Roman watched as she turned down a small alleyway, the mob hot on her tail. From what he could tell, the mob of people consisted of druggies and whatever else street scum could be found in Liberty.

It took Roman about fifteen seconds to reach the spot where she had turned. By the time he reached it, everyone else had already pursued the pink pony into the alley. He turned the monstrous vehicle and pointed it down the dark alleyway. He flipped on the high beams, bringing the group of people inside into proportion.

The alley was a dead end. From what Roman could see, at the end of the narrow drive was a larger square clearing, big enough for many garbage cans to be stored. On top of a dumpster against the back wall of the alley, surrounded by grabbing hands, was Pinkie Pie. “Get away you big meanies!” she bellowed, pressing herself up against the brick wall of the apartment behind her.

Roman had no idea why, but that was all it took to set him off. He stomped on the gas pedal and the behemoth of a vehicle barreled forward. The crowd turned as one, caught in the bright white headlights. “Get away from my pony!” Roman screamed form the driver’s seat, spittle spraying the windshield. The many druggies and hobo’s dodged out of the way as the Hummer shot down the alleyway.

Roman slammed the breaks at the last moment and vehicle slid to a sideways stop, inches from the dumpster Pinkie was poised on. “Holy shit,” he whispered to himself. “That was awesome!”

The top of the dumpster was almost the exact same height as the Hummer’s passenger window. He and Pinkie exchanged a knowing glance with each other. Roman smiled pleadingly and she returned it with a cheery nod, her cotton candy mane bobbing as if on a spring.

“Come on,” he said cheerfully, motion for the pink pony to hop in. She jumped forward. There was a loud thud as Pinkie smacked against the window.

“Oh shit.” Roman hurriedly reached to his left and rolled down the passenger side window. “Sorry!” he called to Pinkie. “I forgot to roll down the window. Try it again.”

She scrambled to her hooves and hopped into the vehicle. “Thanks,” she said happily. “For a while there I thought I was like, totally in trouble.”

“What do you say?” Roman asked. “Still friends?”

Pinkie smiled. “Definitely.”

“Hey man,” a stoned voice interrupted. “Are you like, going to share the pink thing?”

Roman turned to look into the face of a rather baked man. “No, go to hell. This is my pony.”

Roman looked around. He realized that they may be in a bit of trouble. The Hummer was completely surrounded by weary eyed men and women. They all gazed absentmindedly at the pink pony in the passenger seat.

Pinkie looked around nervously. “They’re zombies!” she declared fearfully. “Run!”

Roman stomped on the gas. He turned left and brought the vehicle back around to leave the way they had come. People jumped on the hood and onto the roof. Roman hit the door lock button as the mob assaulted the vehicle. “Get away!” he yelled. He turned to Pinkie. “Why are we getting attacked by stoner zombies?”

She shrugged.

A man leered through the driver’s side window and fastened his hands in Roman’s shirt. Roman screamed and gassed it; the man held strong and fastened his feet on the footplate. “Give me the horse!” he demanded.

“Never!” Roman yelled back. He reached his hand over and rolled up driver’s window. The man was caught by the head and the mechanism jammed. He hung from the side of the Hummer as they barreled back down the alley.

Even more of the crazies barred the way out. Roman didn’t slow down for them. They jumped on the hood, pressing their anxious faces against the glass. “Get off my car!” he yelled at them. Reaching down below the steering wheel, he turned on the windshield wipers. “Eat windshield wiper!”

Roman watched in horror as the crazies battled with the windshield wipers. He couldn’t see where he was going. They were all over the Hummer. He mashed the button for the glass cleaner and sprayed the hood-riders with the cleansing blue liquid. Roman screamed and pushed the accelerator to the floor.

He and Pinkie exchanged a look, both screaming as they were forced against the back of the seats as the Hummer sped forward. Roman kept an eye on where they were going through a spot between someone’s legs.

The Hummer emerged into the street and Roman yanked the wheel hard right. He was rewarded with the loss of a few drug-zombies.

The man rolled up in the window gurgled and spouted illiterate nonsense into the vehicle. “Shut up!” Roman yelled at him. “I am trying to drive!”

He pressed the horn and swerved back and forth, trying to shake as many people as possible. He blew by a police car, which pulled a U-turn and flipped on its lights.

“What’s that?” Pinkie asked, all traces of fear gone.

“It is police car,” Roman replied. Now he was staring to get angry. He rolled down his window. The man caught in the window fell onto the road. Roman stuck his head out the vehicle and yelled back at the police car. “Help! Get these crazy people off of my car!”

The police officer spoke into the loud speaker. “Pull over!”

Roman glared. “Well fuck you then!”

He pulled his head back into the vehicle and rolled up the window. With the adrenaline wearing off, he was now feeling rather panicked. He took a heavy right turn. Two more junkies fell from the roof and tumbled to the road. He took the corner too fast and demolished a newspaper stand.

Pinkie started going through a weird series of spasms in the passenger seat. “Twitchy leg,” she declared. “Itchy mane.” She threw an urgent look at Roman. “We’re about to be crushed by a giant water tower!” she yelled.

Roman turned to her. “What?”

“Hurry! Turn left!” she insisted.

With no reason to protest, Roman jerked the wheel left. There was a large bolt of electricity and a white flash. In the air to the left of them, appeared a large water tower. It crashed to the ground, turning the police car into a pancake.

Roman hopped up and down in his seat, at a loss for words. A wall of water rushed towards them and engulfed the vehicle. Roman screamed all the while as he battled to keep control of the vehicle. Water ran in torrents down the windshield. The windshield wipers, having been used as weapons on the druggies, were bent out of proportion and no longer worked.

“Shit!” Roman swore, trying to make out the world ahead through the distortion if the water. “The crazies broke my fucking windshield wipers!”

After a moment, the water subsided and Roman allowed himself a deep breath.

He turned to pinkie, jaw slightly agape. “How did you know about water tower?”

She shrugged. “Pinkie sense.”

Roman looked around. There were no longer any crazies on the Hummer. He assumed it safe to turn the windshield wipers off. He pulled off the main road and into a small parking lot.

He and Pinkie exchanged a shocked glance. Roman cracked a smile. “That was awesome!”

* * *

Two ponies and two humans stood looking at where the Ponyville water tower had once stood.

Niko crossed his arms and cocked his head to one side. “So, where did water tower go?” he wondered aloud?”

Twilight shook her head. “Not sure. Spike and I have both taken it before…” She trailed off. “I have no clue.”

Niko raised a contemplative eyebrow. “Well it had to go somewhere.”

Part 11

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part: Eleven <--sweet Celestia

Niko sat expectantly in front of Twilight, arms crossed over his lap. “Well, what have you found out?”

The unicorn shook her head. “Nothing,” she declared angrily. “I’ve got nothing. Out of every single book in this library, there isn’t a single thing on… whatever it is out here.” She made a motion towards the window, where the large abnormality remained. The shape of the statue could be seen vaguely through a swirling mist.

Niko rolled his eyes. “I thought you were supposed to be super smart pony with all the answers.” He spun his fingers in the air to add emphasis.

She deadpanned. “The sarcasm doesn’t help.”

He held up his arms. “I am sorry. I am just getting little bit irritable.”

The front door banged open and a rather angry orange earth pony stalked into the library. “Does somepony wanna’ tell me why there’s two humans tied up in my barn?” she asked with annoyance.

Brucie, who had been sitting in a far corner, looked up. “Oh damn, you found that?”

She planted a hoof on the wooden floor. “Yes, ah did. Why do y’all have to go seekin’ out my farm? First ya have ta’ go crash your metal thing there an’ kill my trees. Then y’all intoxicate my little sister. And now, I’m findin’ angry humans tied up and hidden around my farm like candy on a scavenger hunt.”

Twilight turned to glare at Niko and Brucie. “You didn’t even tell her about the two humans?”

Brucie spluttered for a reply but Applejack intervened, instead turning her gaze to Twilight. “You knew about em’ an’ you didn’t even tell me?”

“Sorry,” Twilight replied, only sounding mildly sorry. “I was a little preoccupied with the giant portal in the middle of the Everfree forest.”

Applejack dropped the annoyed expression and scratched her head. “Yeah, I was gonna’ ask you about that… So what’s the giant bubble thingy doin’ in the middle of the Everfree forest?”

Twilight brought another book forward and furrowed her brow at the cover. She set it aside and levitated another stack beside her. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. So far nothing in any of my books has anything about it.” She raised her voice for the few final words and clasped her head in her hooves.

Applejack frowned. “Well, somethin’ needs to get done. Just an hour ago ah saw some flyin’ thing come shootin’ from that thing an’ crash into the forest.”

Niko, Brucie, and Twilight all exchanged knowing glances. “See,” Niko declared with settled anger. “I told you it would get worse.”

“Rub it in why don’t you.” Twilight gave him a stern look for a moment longer before returning her gaze to the farmpony. “There isn’t anything we can do about it right now. But please, stay away from it. And tell everypony else to do the same.”

Applejack nodded and lowered her gaze, but returned it to the lavender unicorn a moment later. “An’ just what the hay am ah supposed to do with those two humans tied up in my barn? I think that black one is right fixin’ to start eatin’ the white one.”

“Leave them tied up,” Niko answered. “We do not want them getting loose.”

Brucie walked up to the window to peer out. “Yep,” he declared. “Something definitely crashed out there.

There’s smoke coming from the Everfree forest.”

There was a brief pause where all of them looked at Brucie curiously. In a flash, a cyan shape barreled through the open window. It took Brucie by surprise and the two crashed to the floor.

Rainbow stood up on Brucie’s chest and shook her head. “What’d I hit?” she asked confusedly.

“Me,” Brucie groaned from the floor.

Rainbow looked down at him and furrowed her brow. “What are you doing down there?”

Brucie looked up at her but didn’t seem at all upset. “You kind of jumped on me,” he said with as much intimidation as possible, which right now, was very little.

The pegasus flushed. “Oh uh… sorry.” She put on an embarrassed smile and patted a scuff on his jacket. She sprang from his chest and trotted over to the rest of them, putting on an urgent tone. “You guys gotta’ come. There’s some crazy stuff going on in town.”

Twilight’s ears perked. “What’s going on?”

“Well for one, ponies are starting to notice the water tower is gone.” Rainbow rubbed her chin, thinking. “Oh yeah.” She grabbed twilight on both sides and shook the lavender unicorn up and down. “Sweetie Belle got electrocuted and there was this big flash of light and now she’s gone!”

Twilight shoved the cyan mare away. Her eyes spun in her sockets for a moment and she shook her head to right them. “Slow it down,” she eased. “Now, what happened?”

Rainbow took a deep breath. “Sweetie Belle’s gone. All the ponies in the town are freaking out.”

Twilight’s mouth fell agape. “Of course they’d be freaking out! They just watched a filly get electrocuted and disappear!”

“Hold it!” Applejack yelled. “Why in the hay are ponies gettin’ electrocuted and disappearin’!?”

Niko pointed out the window. “Big portal thingy.”

Brucie picked himself up and dusted his pants. “Think we should go, you know, stop all the ponies from going crazy? They don’t even handle seeing zebra’s very well. How do you think they’re reacting to a filly disappearing?”

Twilight cocked her head at him. “How do you know this!?”

“Ah know, right?” Applejack added.

“It is because Brucie is weird,” Niko cut in. “Now let us go help townsponies.”

Twilight nodded vigorously, obviously unsettled. “Right. Let’s go and tell them that there is a giant portal teleporting ponies to a place where humans want to kill everything they see. That’ll go over well.”

Niko shrugged. “It is better than letting them panic.”

“Never mind,” Twilight declared, levitating a book up from the ground. “I have research to do. You four go and tell the townsponies why things are disappearing… while I try to find out why things are disappearing!”

Niko started towards the door and made an arm movement for the rest of them to follow. He jogged to the door and held it open for the others to exit. When Applejack, Rainbow, and Brucie had crossed through, he followed himself.

The sense was knocked out of him as he bashed his head on the door arch. “Shit!” He stooped over, holding his forehead. “Fucking pony door. Gets me every time!” He staggered out and closed the door behind him. “Okay,” he declared, rubbing his eyes. “Let us go find panicking ponies.”

“Niko,” Brucie said levelly. “I think that we have a problem.”

Niko closed his eyes, rolling them under the lids. “What could possibly be worse than big bubble transporting ponies to Liberty City?” he asked with deep exasperation.

Brucie squeaked. Rainbow answered for him. “Guess.”

He opened his eyes. “Okay what…” He trailed off. The patch of ground they were standing on was slowly lifting into the air, a translucent blue bubble of electricity encircling them. “Son of bitch,” he awed.

“Can ah just go back to the farm?” Applejack sank low to the ground, looking around frantically.

Niko’s jaw trembled. “I have good feeling this is happening at farm too.”

The bubble around them began to pulsate and crackle with energy, filling the small space with a low hum. Niko looked back at the library, which appeared fine. “Well shit, this is going to suck.”

* * *

“Why are those things with the flashy lights following us?” Pinkie asked, looking out the back window of the Hummer.

“Because!” Roman called back over the roar of the engine, sounding flustered. “I sped through a stoplight and hit a hooker!” He took a heavy lefthand corner and Pinkie bounced off the passenger side window.

“Well why can’t we just stop and tell them to leave us alone?” she asked, rubbing her head.

Roman’s eye twitched. “Because if they catch us bad things happen.”

Pinkie bounced in her seat. “Ooooooh! So it’s like a game of tag?”

“Yes,” Roman replied quickly as he swerved around a taxicab. “Only they cannot catch us or there is big trouble.”

Pinkie smiled in semi-understanding. “Okey dokey!”

Roman took off the side mirror of a taxicab as he barreled by. “Sorry!” he yelled back. Roman’s attention was suddenly drawn away from the road. He spotted something resembling a cat as they passed a side street. His mind skipped a beat. There weren’t cats in Liberty City. If Liberty didn’t have cats, then what was that in the alley?

“Little pony!” Roman bellowed, eyes going wide. He stomped the brake pedal and the monster of a vehicle slid to a stop. He cranked the wheel left and pulled the Hummer back around. Police cars banked left and right as Roman charged them head on. One wasn’t quite fast enough. The bumper of the Hummer clipped the rear fender, sending the police car into a roll.

Pinkie stuck her tongue out and pressed it to the window. “Tathe thath!” she yelled happily.

Roman turned onto the side street and pulled pinkie away from the window by the tail. “Don’t lick the glass. It leaves smudges.”

He eyed the white and purple shape he had spotted from the street. “Ha ha!” he jeered. “I knew it!” Roman slowed the hummer as he approached the small shape.

“Knew what?” Pinkie asked.

Roman pointed out the window. “Little pony… What is little pony doing here?”

The filly spotted the Hummer and froze, eyes widening in fear. She turned and bolted.

“Wait!” Roman hollered. “I am here to help you!” The filly didn’t stop, and why would it? He turned to Pinky. “You tell little pony; it will listen to you.”

Pinkie bobbed her head and rolled down her automatic window with a forehoof. “Hey, Sweetie Belle! Heeeeey! Hey you! It’s us! Pinkie and Roman! Stop running!” The little shape stopped and turned back on them. “Come on!” Pinkie yelled, gesturing towards the hummer.

“Damn it,” Roman growled. “This is taking too long.” He pushed open his door and hopped out. “Come on!” He ran towards the little pony, who shrank back. Sirens wailed as police cars filed in behind the Hummer. Roman scooped up the little pony and sprinted back to the Hummer, his lack of exercise starting to become apparent.

He tossed Sweetie Belle in the back seat and climbed back up into the cab. Roman crammed his foot down on the accelerator right as the lead police car was reaching them. He hopped up and down in his seat, eyes popping and breath coming in quick gasps. “Go, go, go,” he urged.

At the T in the intersection ahead he mashed the brakes. The hummer slid and the hood turned to the left. Roman pressed the gas and started forward. A police car that had not had taken the preferred action of braking slammed into the left front fender from the side. Roman bounced sideways in the seat and his head smacked against the window. His eyes rolled to the top of his skull and his head flopped onto the steering wheel, setting off the horn.

Pinkie watched with horrified excitement as police cars encircled the vehicle. She prodded Roman in the side. “Wake up,” she insisted.

“What’s going on?” Sweetie Belle panicked from the back seat. “Where am I? How’d I get here!?”

Pinkie swung on her. “We’re playing tag, and if the thing with the lights catch us we lose! And they’re about to catch us!”

Sweetie Belle looked around out the windows frantically. “This isn’t tag!”

“Hurry!” Pinkie commanded. She pushed Roman off of the steering wheel. His head rolled to the left to rest against the window. Pinkie hopped onto his lap and poised her front hooves on the steering wheel. “I saw Roman do it! It’s easy, but I need your help.” She looked back at the little filly. “Come on!”

Sweetie Belle shook her head, attempting to clear it. “What do I need to do?”

“Get out of the car and place your hands on your head!” blared a loud voice from the police megaphone. “You have ten seconds!”

Pinkie motioned towards the floor panel. “You see those pedal thingys?”

“Ten!” the man yelled over the megaphone.

Sweetie Belle nodded. “Uh hu.”

Police cars completely encircled the Hummer. Officers hopped out of their vehicles, taking aim with pistols and shotguns over the hoods and trunks of their vehicles.

“Nine!”

“Climb down there and hop on the metal thingy on the right,” Pinkie instructed.

“Eight!’

Sweetie Belle did as she was told. She hopped over the center console and down to the floor. She pressed her hooves to the pedal and the engine of the vehicle roared. The Hummer didn’t move.

Pinkie thumped the steering wheel. “Come on, go!” she commanded. The engine continued to roar as the filly pressed down on the gas pedal, but they weren’t moving.

“Five!” the voice yelled nervously. “Turn off the fucking vehicle!” he added.

Pinkie noticed a small lever to the right of the steering wheel. Roman’s hand was poised on it. She nuzzled his hand away and examined it. The device appeared to move. It was in the middle position. On either side was a picture of a cartoon car going forward and another going backwards.

“T-two!”

A wide grin crept across her face. “Let’s get ready to paaaaarty!” She shoved the lever forward with a hoof and there was a heavy clunk as the engine changed pitches. The whole vehicle jerked forward as it was shoved into gear and the tires threw up billows of gray smoke. Police officers dodged as the monstrous vehicle barreled forward. The front tire struck the hood of a police car and the Hummer flattened it, rolling over the top of the smaller vehicle.

Gun muzzles flashed to life as the officers opened up on the vehicle. The windshield shattered and pinkie was forced to shield her eyes. When she opened them again, they were heading directly for a wall. She screamed and jerked the wheel to the right. The vehicle swayed and returned to the center of the road.

“What the hay is going on up there!?” Sweetie Belle called.

“I think we’re winning!” Pinkie replied joyously. A few bullets pinged off the heavy rear bumper as they left the devastated police cars in the dust. “Yeeeeehaw!” she jeered. “Take that you big meanies!”

Roman’s head lolled to and fro as the Hummer rounded corners. Once or twice Pinkie misjudged a corner and bounced the vehicle off a wall or clipped another vehicle. “Hey,” she commented idly. “I’m getting pretty good at this.”

“Can you still see the lights?” Sweetie belle asked, peering up at Pinkie between Roman’s legs.

Pinkie glanced at the rearview mirror. “Yep!” she declared cheerfully. They blew by a few shapes on the sidewalk. Pinkie did a double take. “Wait!” she yelled to the filly on the gas pedal. “Hit the other thingy, I think I saw somepony I know!”

* * *

Niko blinked in the bright sunlight that hadn’t been there a moment ago. He looked around. They were in Liberty City. He and Brucie were in Liberty City with two ponies. This was not good. He looked down at the patch of grass sporting a cobbled walkway the four were poised on. Around it sat concrete sidewalk.

“Whoa,” Brucie awed absently.

Rainbow looked around at the surrounding building, eyes lighting up like headlights. “What is this place?” she balked.

Niko swallowed hard and clasped his hands to his head. “No, oh no, no, no. I am back in Liberty City… and there are ponies with me.”

Applejack flinched as a blue car passed by on the street. “Gah,” she cried. “Hide the apple trees!”

Another vehicle passed, this one red. The taillights lit up and the vehicle slid to a stop. The one behind it smashed into the back. The two drivers didn’t even seem to notice the accident. Instead, they were gaping at the two ponies on the sidewalk.

“Niko,” Brucie said quietly as a jogger slowed and began to jog in place, staring openly at Rainbow. “We need to get them out of here.”

“Right.” Niko looked around. There were streets everywhere. “Let us just move before too many people start to build up.”

Brucie looked around. “Niko man, that’s not gonna’ work. Liberty City is packed.”

Niko held out his arms. “Well what the fuck do we do?”

A pedestrian hopped out of their crashed vehicle and pointed at the odd group. “Nice dog man!” he jeered.

“Quick,” Brucie hissed, Scooping up Applejack. “Hide a pony in your jacket!”

“What in tarnation are ya’ doin’!?” Applejack protested.

Brucie brought the indignant earth pony up to his chest and folded his jacket over the mare, covering everything but her head. “Hiding you,” he replied. “Just until we get away from this place.” He pulled her hat down to cover her face.

Niko looked down at Rainbow, who glared at him for a moment before hopping up into his arms. “Fine,” she groaned. “But you have no idea how much I don’t want to hide in your animal skin jacket.”

Niko folded his jacket over the cyan pegasus so that only her ears poked out. He and Brucie walked hurriedly off before the conjuring crowd of onlookers could follow.

After about five minutes, they had left that street behind, and were now walking hastily down a side street. Apart from a few curious glances and chuckles from passing pedestrians, everything was going fairly well.

“You smell like Winona after she’s been rollin’ in the mud,” Applejack complained to Brucie.

Niko scoffed. “Is that new aftershave?” he asked sarcastically.

“Hey, what’s this thing?” Rainbow wondered aloud, her voice muffled inside the jacket.

Niko frowned. “What is—” He was interrupted by a loud bang as the side of his jacket blew out. “Shit!” he swore. He let go of the folds of his jacket and the rainbow mare tumbled onto the sidewalk. He hurriedly reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol, smoke still flowed in thin wisps from the barrel.

He glared down at Rainbow, who appeared to be trying to sink through the ground. “You almost shot me!” he yelled.

“Sorry,” she replied hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to.”

Niko sighed, returning the gun to his pocket. He couldn’t stay mad. He could hold a grudge with anyone but that rainbow colored mare.

A black Hummer blasted by, followed by seven police cars, sirens blaring. Niko pointed angrily. “That is my car!”

The brake lights lit up and the hummer pulled a one-eighty. Police cars dodged as the Hummer raced back at them. Niko’s mouth fell agape. “No,” he awed. There was a very familiar pink pony behind the wheel.

The monstrous vehicle screeched to a stop beside them and Pinkie hung her head out the window. “Get in!” she yelled. “Before they catch us. I don’t want to be it!”

Niko continued to balk. “Why are you driving my car!?”

Pinkie motioned towards Roman, who was still in the driver’s seat. “Because somebody fell asleep! Now get in the thing before we lose!”

Niko picked up Rainbow and ran around to the passenger side. He tossed the mare in the back seat and climbed up into the passenger seat. Brucie climbed into the back as well and let a rather flustered Applejack out of his jacket.

“Punch it Sweetie Belle!” Pinkie yelled. The engine roared and the Hummer shot forward.

“How the hay did you get here Pinkie?” Rainbow asked, trying to maintain her balance while standing on the back seat.

The pink pony shrugged and pulled the wheel hard to the left. “I don’t know. I just woke up at Roman’s house and I didn’t know where I was so I got scared and ran away then Roman saved me from a bunch of zombies and now we’re playing tag.” The turn succeeded and throwing Rainbow against the door.

Roman’s head rolled back and forth as the Hummer took corners at speeds even Niko wouldn’t attempt. “You are going to get us killed!” Niko yelled to Pinkie.

She turned angrily to him. “Nuh uh!”

Niko reached over and slapped Roman. “Wake up!” he yelled.

Roman’s eyes shot open and he flailed his arms wildly. “Wha, what is it!? What is going on!?”

Niko pointed at the pony driving the hummer. “Why did you let psycho pony drive!?”

Roman’s eyes widened and he looked at the pink pony on his lap. “Why is pink pony driving!?”
he balked.

“Well you tell me.” Niko crossed his arms over his lap expectantly. “You steal my car and let crazy pony drive it…”

Roman glared. He raised his arms and bashed them on the steering wheel, setting off the horn each time as Pinkie continued to steer. “I did not let pink pony drive! I hit my head and passed out. Then you wake me up and she is driving!”

Niko threw his arms around as well. “Well then why—”

Pinkie turned a furious gaze on both of them, fire shone in her eyes. “If you both don’t stop arguing I will turn this thing around!”

They both quieted. Roman pointed an accusing finger at Niko. “He started it.”

Niko pointed a finger out the window, only managing to get off a gruff yell before it was too late. The Hummer hit the upturned slab of asphalt and took a leap into the air. The police cars skidded to a stop behind them. The officers watched, dumbstruck, as the Hummer took to the air team rocket style and disappeared behind the treetops. For some strange reason the entire scene seemed to take place in slow motion.

“We’ve lost sight of them!” yelled one officer.

Another replied on the radio. “Well if we can’t see them they must be gone. Call off the chase, pretend we didn’t run over any pedestrians, and arrest some hobo and say it was him.”

<= I can't believe this is at 11 parts.

<= I really hate to be a self advertising butt. But I have put a lot more work and a lot more time into another story that I have much more passion for, Undead Equestria. If you like really long stories and light hearted grimdark about zombie ponies, then I would recommend this fic to you.

Thanks for following me this far.

~Sorren

Part 12

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part Twelve

Niko opened his eyes to find his head resting on the dashboard. Glass littered the floorboard and seat; some of the square shards rested in his lap as well. Groaning, Niko lifted his head to look around. Trees filled the area and bright sunlight filtered between the green fronds from above, casting a light down upon him. Birds chirped all around him. A squirrel skittered up a tree somewhere off to the right.

He noticed the hummer parked up an oak tree. Niko cocked his head, examining the smashed hood and shattered windows. “Shit,” he swore silently. Roman was not going to have nice words spoken to him.

Niko applied little effort into trying to sit up, which proved slightly difficult due to the vehicle’s front being much higher than the rear. He spared his right hand to reach for the lever for the automatic seat recliner. He hit it and the seat began to rise with a low hum.

“Heh,” he chuckled. “Automatic fat person seat still works.” There was a clunk from the mechanism and back of the seat gave way, plunging Niko into the back seat. He regained himself and sat up. “Never mind.”

Niko raised his hands and pressed them to his temples. “Are all the ponies in the car alright?”

“I think so,” he heard Rainbow mutter. “I really don’t like riding in these things though,” she added. “Do they always crash like this?”

Niko allowed himself a light chuckle. “In Liberty City, yes.”

The Rainbow mare balanced her way across the back seat to Niko and poised herself on his lap. The pegasus sported a new cut on her forehead.

“Is pink pony and stupid cousin okay?”

Roman groaned from the driver’s seat. “Yes cousin, I am fine… although Pinkie is drooling on my lap.” Roman squirmed in his seat. “Hey, wake up,” he ordered Pinkie. “We are done driving up tree, you can wake up now.”

Pinkie lifted her head slowly and looked around. “Did we win?” she asked.

A small white filly that Niko had not yet seen popped her head up from the floorboard. “What were we trying to win again?”

Niko brandished a curious finger at the filly. “Who is little pony?”

Brucie, who had been stirring, cocked his head to follow Niko’s finger. “Oh, that’s Sweetie Belle,” he answered simply.

The filly scrunched her face at him. “How do you know my name?”

Brucie cleared his throat loudly. “I heard it from the…” He coughed once, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “…from the pink one.”

“Don’t mind Brucie,” Applejack muttered. “He’s all weird like that… say, anypony see my hat?” She pushed herself to her hooves and hopped down on the floorboard near Brucie’s feet. She emerged a moment later sporting her hat. "Found it," she declared happily.

Niko moved over on the seat and braced his shoulder against the door. The hinges groaned as be pressed his weight against it. After a moment, it budged. Taken by surprise, he spilt out onto the ground, Rainbow with him.

The others exited shortly after, minus the falling. Niko picked himself up and dusted his pants. Rainbow lay on her back, wings unfolded and staring up at the sky. Niko reached down and picked the mare up, placing her on her hooves.

“You okay?” he asked, steadying the mare as she swayed.

Rainbow raised a hoof to rub her head. “Yeah, kinda.’ All this stuff’s just starting to get to me a little. Everything looks way too… dimensional.”

Niko reached down and messed up her mane. “Now you know how I felt in pony world.”

Rainbow shot him a glare and shook her head. Somehow, this returned her mane to its original look.

Taking on a new initiative, Niko turned to Roman, putting on an antagonizing expression. “Roman,” he said lowly—dangerously. “Do you want to tell me why you stole my car, let pink pony drive it... then drive it up a tree?”

Roman laughed nervously, holding out his hands in a form of subsidence. “Well, it is long story cousin. You see, pink pony appeared in the penthouse. Then Mallorie came and pink pony ran away and then I had to take car and find pink pony, but when I find her, she is surrounded by drug zombies and I hit them with the car and they broke the windshield wipers. Then I ran over a hooker and things just sort of went downhill.” He paused for a moment, before stooping down and scooping up the indignant white filly. “Then we found Sweetie Belle.”

“Would you put me down?” she protested.

Roman hurriedly placed her on the ground next to Pinkie Pie. “So now we are stuck in the park with three ponies and a broken car.”

Niko dropped his face into his palm. “Car is little more than broken cousin.” He lifted his head, looking around. “We need to find way to get ponies to a safe place.”

Roman spun in a circle, looking around. “I see nothing cousin.”

“Can’t I just fly out of sight?” Rainbow asked.

Niko shook his head. “No. There are helicopters and high buildings, and all the clouds have acid in them.”

Rainbow, who had unfurled her wings restlessly, quickly folded them and looked up at the sky skeptically.

“Acid clouds…” Applejack muttered. “Something about that just ain’t right.”

Niko cast another look around, this time spotting a brown shape amongst the trees. “I will be right back,” he told them, before dashing off into the trees.

It was exactly what he had thought it to be, a cardboard box propped up against a tree, accompanied by a hobo. Niko walked up quietly and grasped the box.

The hobo, who had been sleeping, sat up hurriedly. He rubbed his eyes and wiped a few leaves from his thick brown beard. “Hey,” he murmured, still woozy from sleep. “That’s my box.”

“I need it,” Niko said, turning away.

“I said that’s my box!” the hobo called.

Niko spun on him. “Well now it is my box!” he bellowed back. “Go find a new one!”

The scruffy man blinked. “Okay man... keep the damned thing.”

Niko pulled out his wallet and tossed a twenty on the ground. “Thank you. Now go buy yourself a hotdog or something.” Turing, he ran back to the others, who had been watching his interactions with shocked expressions.

“Niko,” Roman said slowly. “You just stole a box from a hobo.”

“That’s harsh,” Rainbow added.

Niko ignored them. Instead, he threw the box down on the ground. “I have idea,” he stated. He bent over and picked up Rainbow, who tensed for a moment and sighing apathetically. He lowered her down and set her in the box. “See look. Pony in a box—no one will ever know.”

Roman peered into the box to look at cyan mare in its depths. “It could work.”

Rainbow glared up at them. “So you’re putting me… in a box.”

Brucie looked down at Rainbow and rubbed his eyes. Looking back at the mare again, his jaw lowered. “Dude,” he whispered. “This is reminding me of something.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Brucie, honestly? What could a little rainbow pony in a cardboard box possibly remind you of?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure, but it’s making me really sad.”

Niko spared another glance at the pony in the box, wondering why a rainbow mare looking up at you from the depths of a cardboard box would seem strange. He shook his head, clearing the thoughts. Nothing made sense with ponies. Bending down, he scooped up Pinkie Pie and Sweetie belle as well, dumping them into the box with Rainbow. Applejack, not wanting to be handled, jumped in on her own accord.

He clapped his hands. “Okay, we have four ponies in a box. Let’s go try and figure out what to do next.”

* * *

Twilight ran through the streets of Ponyville, rallying startled townsponies and doing her best to prevent havoc. She had no idea where the humans and her three friends had gone, but things had gotten bad here really fast. If Discord wasn’t still a statue in the Canterlot gardens, she would have guessed this to be his doing. Celestia was still nowhere in sight, apparently, still on ‘vacation.’

She passed Lyra and Bon-Bon, who were both standing in the street, transfixed with a vertical piece of colored metal spraying water into the air. A group of terrified fillies ran from a burly bearded man wearing tattered clothes and pushing a shopping cart.

Twilight’s attention was drawn by a loud shriek. She turned to spot Rarity, who was gaping at the bearded man, her whole body trembled and one hoof was brought up in a show or repulse. She wobbled once and flopped over, unconscious.

“Everypony calm down!” Twilight yelled, trying to gain some control on the situation. There was a bright flash of light and a large yellow vehicle, similar in size to Brucie’s, appeared in the center of the street.

“This not Chinatown!” an angry figure with a scrunched face yelled from the back seat.

The one in the front turned back angrily. “Chinatown, Japantown, crazy colorful horse town! What’s the difference!?”

“I think you took wrong turn,” a woman in the back next to the man said worriedly.

The man in the front seat looked around, lowering his head over the wheel while his jaw slowly began to lower. “You been smoking LSD in here or something?”

“You idiot!” the other scolded. “You no smoke LSD!”

The driver pounded his hands on the wheel. “Well you been jabbing needles in my neck or something!? Cause I’m seeing some crazy shit right now!”

The man in the back rolled down his window and watched in awe as a pony ran by. “It is colorful horse,” he muttered.

“Screw this!” the driver yelled. The yellow vehicle blared forward and knocked over the vertical piece of metal that had had Lyra and Bon-Bon transfixed. The machine blared away and slid around a corner, taking out a vegetable cart on the way.

Lyra and Bon-Bon continued to stand next to the toppled piece of metal, staring blankly at one another. Twilight gave her head a shake and ran over to them. “Girls!” she yelled. “Get out of the street!” Who knows what else could appear!?”

She led the two ponies out of the middle of the street. “I have to do something,” she gasped as a hooded white human sprinted by.

“Help!” he screamed, throwing rapid glances at the large black man behind him, who was surprisingly keeping up, despite his mass. “This fat bastard’s trying to eat me!”

Lyra tracked the man as he ran, eyes wide as orbs.

“I ain’t gonna’ eat you!” the other yelled back in a much deeper voice. “I’mma just kick yo’ ass!”

“Hands,” Lyra whispered quietly.

Bon-Bon turned to her friend. “Lyra, please don’t—not now.”

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, the teal unicorn bolted, galloping after the two humans.

“Lyra wait!” Bon-Bon called, taking chase.

Twilight suppressed a scream of frustration. She had to find a way to stop this before things got any worse.

“That’s it!” she jeered, a thought striking her. The Canterlot archives! There had to be something there, in the restricted section; that’s where Celestia kept all the really important books and documents, although she never allowed any ponies there.

A wide grin crept across Twilight’s face. Right now, Celestia wasn’t here. “Oh, I don’t think she’d mind,” she said reassuringly to herself. “It’s only the entire fate of Equestria. That’s a good reason to go digging in the princess’s most private archives.”

But how could she get to Canterlot in time? The city was miles away.

The distant chime of a train whistle met her ears. With a sudden realization, Twilight set off at a gallop for the train station. The Canterlot express would be passing through on its way to Fillydelphia. It wouldn’t be stopping at the Ponyville station though; it was an express—no passengers. It ran through here once every week; it was right on schedule!

She had to beat it there. A wagon overtook her, pulled by two frightened shop owners fleeing the shopping-cart-human. Twilight teleported herself onto the back deck, allowing herself a moment to breathe and effectively hitching a ride.

“Wait!” the human with the shopping cart yelled. “Let me have some of those apples!” The front wheel of his cart hit a pothole and stuck fast. The man was sent careening over the front of his cart to land in a pile of spilt tin cans.

Lucky enough for Twilight, the wagon carried her all the way to the train station. She hopped from the deck and made for the platform, just in time too. As she was emerging onto the platform, the freight train rounded a corner at full steam, whistle howling and steam pouring from the stack like water from a hose. Twilight jumped down onto the tracks, motioning frantically with her hooves for the locomotive to stop.

A pony wearing a striped hat hung his head out the window. His eyes widened as he spotted the unicorn in the tracks and he turned to yell something back into the cab. Next came the audible screech of the brakes locking up and the banging of the cars striking one another with the sudden deceleration. When the train had nearly slowed, Twilight teleported herself to the cab, taking the firestallion and conductor by surprise.

“Are you crazy girl!” a gruff looking stallion yelled. “Ya’ll can’t just go stoppin’ a train like that!”

“We have an emergency here!” she shot back, looking frantically around the cab. “I need to get to Canterlot, now.”

“Sorry,” the other of the two stallions laughed. “We can’t help you there.”

“Look,” Twilight declared, flustered and angry. “There are some really bad things going on right now! We are on the precipice of disaster and it is imperative that I get to Canterlot right away!”

“Sure thing,” the gruff stallion scoffed, wiping some soot from his brow. “What could possibly be so important?”

There was a flash light from the platform and a pale man in a pink button up shirt appeared next to the train. He looked around for a minute, as if stunned. After a short moment, he turned and fixed his sickly gaze on the three ponies in the train.

“Oh hi!” he said cheerfully with a giant smile. “My name’s Eddie Low, have you seen my friend Niko anywhere!?”

“Put the train in reverse,” Twilight said quietly, shooting an urgent look to the two trainponies.

The man took a step forward and held out his hand. “I’ve never seen a pony before!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Think we could have some private time together!?” his head jerked rapidly to one side and his right eye twitched dangerously.

“Now!” she commanded, stepping away from the terrifying figure. Humans were strange, but something about this one chilled her bones.

The conductor threw the locomotive into reverse and the blastpipe roared. Eddie walked alongside the train, smiling all the while. “But I want to talk with you!” he cried, making a lunge for the cab. Twilight enveloped him in her magic and threw the sickly human back onto the platform.

“We can’t take this locomotive up the Canterlot track in reverse, not with this many cars,” the gruff stallion told her, working his way past the jitters cause by Eddie. “We’ll spill em’ over the edge.”

Twilight turned to him, determination seeping from her like water through a ruptured dam. “Well then we spill them. There’s something I’ve got to do.”

* * *

“Niko,” Roman whispered, casting a nervous look around. “Don’t you think three men walking next to a cardboard box sliding down the sidewalk might draw some attention?”

Niko frowned, looking down at the box. The edges skimmed the ground so as whatever was inside could not be seen. The box slid along the sidewalk beside them as the three men made for Brucie’s place. “No. I do not think so.”

“Yeah Niko…” Brucie added. “It looks pretty conspicuous man."

Niko spread his arms. “Why? Other video game character hide under box all the time. Do you see him getting caught? I do not think so. As Brucie would put it, ‘chill bro’s’.”

“Never do that again Niko,” Brucie commanded, his voice layered flat.

“What’re things looking like out there?” Rainbow asked, poking her muzzle out through one of the hand-holds on the box.

Niko continued to look on ahead. “Not much. We are almost to Brucie’s place.”

“You know, Niko, I have been thinking,” Roman butt in. “What are we going to do about the big portal thingy and all the ponies appearing in Liberty City?”

Niko shook his head slowly. “I do not know… What do you think Brucie?”

Brucie held up his hand. “One second, I need to make a call.” He dug in his pants pocket, but emerged with nothing. He tried his back and coat pockets next. “I can’t appear…” he fretted, digging through his front pockets again. “…to find my phone.” He turned to Niko. “Did you take my phone bro?”

“Sure,” he scoffed. “Like I would want to take Brucie’s phone, and maybe pick up some of his imaginary hot women.”

Brucie was about to respond, but was cut off by the single wail of a siren. The three men jumped at the sound. Behind them was one of Liberty City’s Finest. A rather husky uniformed officer with a pudgy face crammed the cruiser into park and stepped out of the vehicle to stalked over to them.

“Okay, what’s in the box?” he demanded in an incredibly authoritative voice for his appearance.

Three of them smiled rather unconvincingly. “Cat with rabies?” Roman suggested.

Niko drove a hard elbow into his side.

The officer hooked his fingers in his belt and stepped forward. “Okay, you three look funny. I’m checking the box.”

“No, wait!” Niko stepped forward hurriedly. “My cousin, Roman, has a niece nobody knows about.” He motioned towards the box. “She does not like to be seen in public because her face is all messed up.” He allowed himself a nervous chuckle. “Her face looks like Barbie doll that got hair stuck in paper shredder.”

“Screw you Niko Bellic!” Roman yelled, stomping his foot. “If I had a niece she would be pretty!"

The officer nodded slowly, his face thoughtful. “I see what’s going on here.” He leveled his gaze with the three men, shooting them all a condescending glare. “You guys are just trying to sneak a girl back to your place, hoping his guy doesn’t see.” He spat at the ground. “You three make me sick.”

“Stop it!” snapped Rainbow’s voice in a loud whisper from inside the box.

“What was that?” the officer said damagingly.

Niko, Brucie, and Roman all exchanged short glances, shrugging their shoulders and moving their arms in motions suggesting they weren’t aware of anything.

“Stop what?” Pinkie replied, voice muffled. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re stepping on my tail!”

“Am not!”

“Are too.”

“Girls,” Applejack whispered. “Now’s not the best time.”

“Well then tell Pinkie to stop stepping on my tail.”

“Yeah right!” Pinkie scoffed.

“What the hay is going on down there?” Sweetie Belle asked skeptically.

The officer’s jaw began to drop. “How many girls do you have in there?”

“My niece has multi-personality disorder,” Roman said quickly, tugging at his collar.

Judging by the look given by the officer, he was not convinced. “That’s it!” he declared, stepping forward. “I’m checking the box!”

“No wait!” Niko added urgently.

He groaned and stomped over to Niko. “What do you want!?”

Niko sent his reply with a heavy swing to the nose that sent the officer keeling over backwards. He landed in the street with a thud and his hat rolled from atop his head. He tried to sit up but his eyes rolled to the top of his head and he fell back to the asphalt.

“Niko!” Roman exclaimed. “You just punched a cop!”

“Yes cousin, I did!” Walking over to the box, he picked it up and turned it over, upsetting the ponies inside. It would be faster for him to carry them anyways. “Not let’s get to Brucie’s before he wakes up and we have to actually show him your niece to get him to go away!”

<= Sorry for wait. I have started too many stories and been dealing with that useless thing called family. (friends are better)

<= About that Undead Equestria link I threw at you last time. I just looked back at the first chapter and, as it was almost the first thing I had ever written, naturally, it was written like poo. I fixed all of that now. If you want to try and brave it now that it is better, be my guest.

<= Thanks you for sticking with me this far.

~Sorren

Part 13

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

By: Sorren

Part 13

“Yeah!” Brucie screamed, flailing his arms from the couch of his penthouse. He pointed at the television. “Did you see that shit!?”

Roman bounced up and down. “I know! Those guys are a bunch of idiots!” He dropped his beer and it thudded down on the carpet, foaming out of the top. “Shit! I dropped my beer.”

The three of them sat on the couch within Brucie’s penthouse. The place was nice, so to speak. There was a couch big enough to seat four and television big enough to be in a theater. It was a joint operation, so the kitchen was off to the left of the couch, and a set of bedrooms to the right. It was small, but it was nice. It was also situated directly above an auto garage, but that wasn’t exactly an issue.

“Pinkie!” Roman yelled off towards the kitchen.

There was a resounding crash and the clatter of several pots. “Yeah?” she called.

“Could you get me another beer from the fridge?”

There was another crash and a zip, then the pink pony was in front of him, a white and blue can held in her mouth. Roman took it with a smile. “Thanks.” He tapped the top twice and pulled the tab. There was a crack and a hiss and the contents of the can spewed out like water from a geyser. Hurriedly, he tried to stop the flow with his mouth, but only managed in receiving a squirt of beer in his eye.

Niko held his hand up to avoid the spray of beer from the can. Brucie jumped up and pointed a rigid finger at Roman. “HA! Nice one, Pinkie!” He held out his hand in a gesture at a high-five to the pink pony.

Pinkie frowned. “What did I do?”

Roman coughed and wiped his face on one of the couch pillows. “You shook it up.”

Niko glared around the room, spotting everyone, and everypony but one. “Where is Sweetie belle?”

Applejack poked her hoof in the air from the other side of Brucie on the couch. “She’s under the couch.” She waved it away. “She’s still a little in shock. Don’t worry, she’ll be over it in a bit.”

“Hey, Brucie!” Rainbow yelled from the kitchen, she poked her head around the corner with a pot over her head. “Where do you keep that booze stuff. You know, the amber ones.”

Brucie blinked. “Whoa there, take it easy. You don’t want to start making mixed drinks until at least six o’clock.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and trotted over to the couch, tossing the pot off her head. “I don’t think I’ve had this much fun in a long time.” She hopped up onto the couch and shoved Roman aside to sit between him and Niko.

Roman frowned. “Hey, I was sitting next to Niko.”

Rainbow glared at him for a minute, then snatched the beer out of his hand with her forehooves. “I want a drink of that.”

“Wha—” He gave up. “Whatever, it was half empty anyways. Pinkie, another beer, but don’t shake it this time.”

The pink pony made a quick salute, then dashed off back to the kitchen.

Niko found himself with little to do. There wasn’t much to be said at the moment and there was no need to say anything. He found it bizarre that drinking beer with colorful ponies from another dimension didn’t seem the least bit strange to him anymore. He looked over to Brucie, who was now having a rather interesting conversation with Applejack.

“So, you see, I’m at this bar right, and I see this smoking hot babe at the counter, so I go up to her, but she’s got like, all these other men around her, right?” He laughed and flexed his muscles. “So I walk up to her, and I’m all like, hey, do you want to see a real man, heh, you know?”

Applejack shook her head. “I ain’t followin’.”

“So these other guys are all like, hey, back off man, and I’m like, pshaw, yeah right! So this biker guy pulls out a knife and I take it from him and throw him into a wall, just as these two junkies land oh my back. So I’m all like, no way, so I grab them and throw them at these other guys who’re like—”

“Um, Brucie,” Applejack muttered, cutting him off. “Ah really wish ah knew what you were talking about.”

“Hey, Brucie,” Niko chipped in. “Tell her about your funny balls.”

Brucie jumped up. “I don’t have funny balls bro!”

Niko grinned and waved him away. A ringing filled the air and he pulled his phone from his pocket to check it. “Hello, Jacob.”

“Me berah aba wabba wabba smokin’ and drivin’ blah blah.”

“Whoa, hold on, Jacob, what do you mean?”

“Shabba alab blah blah blah rabbah bipidy bop brah brah Niko mon, an ah blip rammah hemp sha sha shoo be doo ramahah.”

He glared at the phone. “Yes, Jacob, I know that there is a giant portal in the statue.” He stood up and walked around behind the couch. “No I do not know.” He listened to Jacob as Rainbow jumped up and flew over the couch. She floated over to Brucie and poked him on the top of the head before darting away.

Brucie smacked himself on top of the head. “I think there’s a fly in here guys. Watch out.”

Niko’s eyes widened. “What, Jacob? What do you mean you are coming up?”

The elevator behind them dinged and the doors slid open. It was like some distorted scene from an alien movie as the Jamaican man stepped out of the elevator in a cloud of smoke produced from the rolled appendage sprouting from the tip of his mouth. He snapped the cell phone closed and looked around the apartment. “Tink ya can jus’ ditch me tha’ easy, Niko.” His eyes traveled to the rainbow pony floating in the air and the joint nearly fell out of his mouth. He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes, then put them back.

“Niko me bretha... you seen this?”

Pinkie shot out of the kitchen, literally jittering with excitement. “Ooh lookie, a new person! What’s his name? Who is he? Why is his face on fire? Do you like ponies too?” The rapidfire of questions was nearly unintelligible.

Niko rubbed his neck, trying to think of what to say. Brucie and Roman both looked at him expectantly. “Um... Hello, Jacob...” He reached up and grabbed Rainbow, who had been hovering beside and above him, and pulled her down to hover beside him. “This is Rainbow Dash.”

Jacob pulled the joint from his mouth and pointed it at the rainbow-colored pegasus. “That a flyin’ ranbow pony?” He pointed towards Applejack, who was peeking at him over the couch. “That a cowboy pony?”

“Remember last time I called you, and said I was in ponyland?” He spread his arms. “I was not joking.”

Jacob just blinked. “Yeh blowin’ me side’ays Niko.” He shook his head. “I came to say people is riotin’ San Andreas style down there, Niko. People gettin’ pulled in’a that portal.”

“Look, Jacob,” Roman intervened. “Right now, I do not care about big portal things. I am drinking a beer and watching cheesy American television with borderline nudity.”

Jacob shrugged. “Badman said I an’ I were lookin’t end o’the world.” He walked around and plopped down on the couch next to Applejack. “Pass me a beer me bretha.”

Pinkie Pie practically teleported to his side, still jittering. “Hey you what’s your name my name’s Pinkie Pie but you can just call me Pinkie because that’s what all my other friends do and if they do it you can do it too so—”

“Whoa ‘dere.” Jacob held a hand over her mouth. “Me ‘tink you need to breathe.” He pulled the joint from his mouth. “Here ra’, take a drag n’see breth.” He held it up to her.

“Do what?” she asked, cocking her head.

“Puch’ur mouth on it an’ a just take a deep breath.” He demonstrated, giving a sigh before letting out a long breath from his nose. “You trys it.” He held it out to her.

“Jacob,” Niko warned. “Maybe giving pony weed is not best idea.”

Jacob waved him away. “Nonsense bretha.” Skeptically, Pinkie took the roll and took a long, deep breath.

“You are not freaking out about ponies?” Niko asked Jacob with a frown.

“Ba.” Jacob waved his arm in a dismissive gesture. “Me seen crazier tings at ex parties.” He looked back and his eyes widened as over half of the paper burned away, leaving only ash. Hastily he pulled the monster roll away from her. “Whoa dere’, ye can’t jus’ go’an do the ‘ole thin’ ya’ firs’time.”

Pinkie coughed and hacked, smoke pouring from her nose and mouth. “Well, why not?”

“You fly ‘igher n’a kite mon.”

As they all watched, Pinkie’s jitters slowly subsided. After a moment, she looked around, eyes wide and bloodshot. “Whoa,” she whispered. “Have any of you ever just.. just stopped, and looked at colors before?” She giggled.

Jacob sat back and laughed. “You in for a wile’ ride me pony.”

Pinkie just grinned. “Heh... Cool.”

Niko clapped his hands. “Great, now we have buzzed Rainbow and stoned Pinkie. We should be doing something about portal, instead we are sitting in penthouse, getting messed up.”

Rainbow dropped down on the couch beside him. “Relax. Everything’s going to be fine. It’s not like anything bad’s going to happen in one day.” She closed her eyes and leaned back with a little sigh. “Just have some fun with things for once.”

“Alright,” he gruffed. “But I still feel like something is happening.”

* * *

“Undo those couplings or we’re gonna’ get pulled off the hill!”

The engine chugged heavily as it forced its way backwards up the hill. The cargo being pushed up behind it creaked and groaned as they rounded a bend.

Twilight took the driver’s words and ran to the back of the footplate. She pulled the release lever for the couplers and there was a click from below, just in time too. The middle car on the load behind them squealed as it was lifted up on one end from the weight of the train. The wheels on the engine slipped as the car caught the tracks and lifted into the air. It plunged sideways, pulling the other cars with it in a deafening clatter of steel and stone. The engine jerked as the first car was pulled out of the coupler, and it rocked on the rails.

“Sweet Celestia...” The driver looked on in awe. “I am so fired.”

The last car whipped over the edge and crashed down the hill, leaving only the engine. They had now stopped, halfway up the mountain on the way to Canterlot.

Twilight blushed. “Well, now we can go.” There was a resounding crash as the cargo hit the ground far below.

Both stallions in the cab with her gave her a dirty look. The driver reached back and racked an overhead lever forward. The engine gave a jerk and was off, running backwards up the hill. “We’ll be to Canterlot within the hour,” he gruffed.

Twilight let out a sigh and sat back, watching as the mountside flashed by. “I just don’t know what to do.” Celestia was gone, and so were half her friends. She was basically left with all of Equestria hanging around her head, and if Niko was right, and the city of Liberty really was as bad as he said it was, then they were in a lot of trouble.

Her ears perked at a peculiar sound from her bag. She frowned at the jazzy tune. “That’s odd.” She levitated out the contents of her bag, looking them over. After a moment, she found the source of the sound. It was one of those things Niko had had, a phone. She read the display, but made no sense of it, the text being in human. Thinking hard, she tried to recall how to work it. “That’s it!” she exclaimed, levitating it up beside her and flipping the device open. “Hello?”

“Hello, who is this?” Niko’s voice asked. “Brucie had me call his phone to see if he lost it in the couch.”

“It’s Twilight.” She blushed as the train ponies gave her strange looks.

“What are you doing with Brucie’s phone?”

She heard a voice in the background. “Nicky, who is it. Tell me who took my phone so I can pound the shit out of them, Brucie style.”

“It is Twilight,” Niko replied.

“Hey, Twilight,” said Pinkie in a calm voice. “How are you doing?”

“Pinkie... are you feeling— Nevermind.” She racked her brain. “Niko, things are getting really bad here. There are humans popping up everywhere and all of Ponyville is in chaos. I’m almost afraid to see if the same is for Canterlot.”

“What are we supposed to do?” Niko asked. “I do not know how to get back to where you are, and I have a bunch of ponies with me.”

She growled. “Well we have to think of something. If this goes on for much longer, things are going to get really nasty.”

“Somebody get me another drink!” Roman yelled in the background. “I’m dying of thirst here!”

“Make that two!” Rainbow yelled after him, her words followed by a hiccup.

“Um...” Niko hesitated. “We are not exactly in shape to come help.”

Twilight wanted to scream. “Well right now, I’m heading to the Canterlot archives to try and figure out all this nonsense. I need you to make this phone thing ring again in a few hours.”

“Right, Twilight, I— No, Brucie, you can not lift the couch!”

“Go, go, go, go!” Rainbow chanted.

“Woohoo,” said Pinkie duly.

“Wooo!” screamed Brucie. “Roman, I can’t lift the couch if your fat ass is on it!”

Niko muttered something in a foreign language. “Wait, brucie, no! Don’t—” The line went dead.

“Hello?” Twilight asked irritably. “Hello, Niko!?” She cried out in frustration and snapped the phone closed.

The two train ponies looked at her with mixed expressions. “Ah think she’s crazy,” one whispered.

“Shhh, don’t say that!” the other replied. “She could turn you into a frog or something. You see that magic of hers? She’s the one that banished that ursa.”

They both nodded to each other, then put on big, cheesy smiles.

Twilight hung her head. “Give me a break.”

* * *

The phone thudded to the carpet as Rainbow Dash tackled Niko to the floor, the battery that never dies popping out. “Gotch’ya!” the mare declared happily, pinning his shoulders.

Niko grabbed her around the middle and lifted her off him. “Why did you do that?”

She flailed her hooves in the air, beating her wings to try and pull away. “Let go of me!”

He held onto her tight as she pulled, lifting him an inch off the ground. “You have had too much to drink. I think it is time we stop.”

“No!” she yelled shooting upwards with a burst of strength. At that moment, Niko released her, and she shot up into the ceiling, smashing her head against the plaster. She fell back and landed on the carpet with a thud. Slowly, she sat up, eyes spinning. “What happened?”

Jacob took a long drag on the oversized joint in the corner of his mouth as Niko picked himself up. “Ye’ hit your head hard-like mon.”

Brucie stood in front of the couch, shirt off, punching at invisible people in the air. “Yeah! Woooo! now that’s what I’m talking about!”

“Where’s that beer!” Roman yelled from the couch.

Niko held his head. There was too much going on. As he watched, Rainbow had already managed to pick a fight with Applejack, and the two were now rolling around on the floor, biting at each other’s manes. Pinkie was staring at the television, her eyes wide and empty as orbs. And Sweetie Belle was still hiding under the couch.

There was a knock at the door. With a groan, Niko dodged around Brucie and tried not to step on Rainbow and Applejack. He crossed to the door and pulled it open. “Yes, what is—”

“Here’s your pizza,” said a lanky man with a beard, holding out two greasy boxes.

Niko glared back at the inhabitants of the room. “Who ordered pizza?”

“Wasn’t I!” yelled Jacob.

Roman stood up and approached Brucie. “Hey, Brucie, you have your wallet, cause—”

Brucie made a sound that may have resembled a battle cry, and spun, driving his fist in Roman’s face. Roman spun comically and went down.

“Brucie!” he cried from the floor. “What the fuck?”

“You got in my way bro!” Brucie said apologetically, helping Roman up.

The pizza guy blew his hair out of his eyes. “Look man, I’m not leaving until...” He looked over Niko’s shoulder. “Is that a flying pony attacking another pony?”

Niko shook his head. “No, they are Roman’s niece's cats.” The man’s eyes continued to look over his shoulders. “They have rabies.” With a groan, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. “Look,” he said suddenly, drawing the man’s attention.

The man looked at him dumbly. “What?”

Niko snatched the pizza away. “It is one hundred dollars!” He threw two fifties over the man’s shoulder and slammed the door in his face. Before he had even turned around, both boxes were gone, taken by Rainbow.

“What’re these?” she asked, opening one of the boxes as she flew back over to the couch. “Smells good.”

“Give me some!” Roman yelled, jumping for her. He managed to catch the top box, but Rainbow pulled away and it burst open, throwing pizza over the two. The half that hadn’t landed on Roman’s head sailed away and splatted against the television.

Niko threw his arms up in the air. “Screw this!” He stomped away to the kitchen and pulled open the cupboard over the fridge. Inside was a square bottle of amber liquid. He read the label and laughed. “Brucie Buys booze aged fifty years.” He shrugged and uncorked the bottle, taking a long swig. “This is going to be a long night.”

He left the kitchen and went back to the living room, bottle hanging at his side. “You know,” he said, walking back to the couch, where they had finally seemed to sort the pizza situation. “I try to be responsible one.” He flopped down on the couch and offered Rainbow a drink. “But I figured, screw it, we will save whatever needs saving later.” He took another drag on the bottle and stole a piece of pizza from Roman’s plate. “Twilight pony says Equestria is in big trouble, but instead, you all are getting drunk!”

“Hey!” Roman said angrily, glaring. “Don’t take my pizza.”

“You can do what you want.” Niko said impartially. He motioned for Rainbow to sit beside him. “But me and pony are going to get drunk as shit.”

“You know,” Roman muttered. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

Applejack pushed herself off the couch, pulling Pinkie with her. “We’re all just gonna let you all be. Sweetie Belle?”

The white filly scuttled out from under the couch and ran to Applejack’s side. “Wow, someone with brains.”

“You can use the spare bedroom. “Brucie scraped the pizza off the television screen and onto a plate before returning to the couch.

Applejack looked at Rainbow expectantly. “You comin’ Rainbow Dash?”

“Pshaw!” She snatched the bottle away from Niko. “Are you kidding? I love these guys.”

Roman cracked a wide grin at Rainbow. “She’s awesome!”

Niko glared at him. “Back off, cousin! Rainbow is mine.”

Roman took a bite of pizza and washed it down with a swig of beer. “What the hell? Niko, you can’t just call dibs on a pony.”

Rainbow leered at him. “He just did.”

“What!?” Roman yelled. “Imagine how angry all those fanfiction people will be!”

“Yeah Nicky.” Brucie sat down beside Roman and grabbed up the television remote. “Everyone who isn’t insane loves Rainbow Dash. You can’t just call dibs on her all of a sudden.”

Niko sat back and closed his eyes. “Well screw the fiction people. I am calling dibs on Rainbow Dash.”

Brucie tugged at his collar. “I’m not so sure, Niko. I don’t think the readers are going to like that.”

Niko waved it away. “Screw the readers. This is my story, and Rainbow is my pony.” He patted her head.

Pinkie Pie poked her head out of hallway. “And I better not hear any complaining about how this chapter took six months to write!”