Part 2
Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Two Niko stepped out of the hospital into the late afternoon sun. “Holy shit,” he said to himself. There were ponies everywhere. Pink ones, orange ones, blue ones; it was like a parade of rainbow colored animals. “Jacob, what the hell did you do to me?” He walked forward. Ponies looked cautiously at him and gave a wide berth.
A blue pony even smaller than the rest of them eagerly started towards him. But what Niko could assume was its mother, stopped the smaller pony before it would reach him. “Stay away from it,” she scolded. “That one looks dumber than the rest.”
“Hey,” Niko held out his arms. “What is that for?” She ignored him, and instead scooted her child away. The ponies here seemed to accept the fact that he was here. But they didn’t seem to like it one bit.
“Hi there!” A voice beamed cheerily from below him. Niko looked down to see a pink pony looking eagerly up at him. The face was round-ish so he assumed it was a girl. This pony had crazy hair. Like really crazy hair.
“You look like cotton candy afro that got caught in hurricane,” he cracked.
The pink pony continued to smile at him. “My name’s Pinkie Pie. What’s yours?”
“Pinkie pie,” Niko mimicked. “What kind of name is that?”
“Why it’s mine silly! What’s your name?”
“Um, Niko,” he replied tentatively. The pony wouldn’t stop smiling at him.
The pony started bouncing, literally bouncing so that her eyes rested at his level for a moment before she fell to the ground again. “Well it sure is nice to meet you Niko,” the pink pony said happily. “Do you like parties? Cause I really love parties and I was thinking of throwing you a surprise welcome to Ponyville party but then I told you about that party so now it won’t be a surprise anymore and here we are now…” She stopped to breathe. Niko had barely understood a word she said. The pink pony was talking a mile per minute.
Niko tried not to cringe. This pony’s voice made his head feel like someone was driving nails into it. He was talking to a pony. He was talking to a pink pony. “Um, I guess I like—”
The pink pony cut him off. “So maybe we can go throw a party. Oooooooh, maybe I can go get my party wagon and we can have a really big surprise but this time I’ll make sure not to put the cake in the confetti cannon and the confetti in the cake cannon because last time that didn’t work out too well.”
Niko took a step back. “Can you stop bouncing? It is really distracting.”
Pinkie pie bounced closer to him. “No silly, why would I want to stop bouncing? Bouncing’s fun see.” The pony continued to bounce, abbreviating every peak of the bounce with a “Wheeeeee.”
Niko backed up further but the pink pony kept with him. “Maybe you can go throw somebody else party. I’m just trying to find way out of here so I can—”
“Why would you want to find a way out of here? This is the best place ever, I mean, who would want to leave.”
“Would you stop interrupting me?” Niko demanded. The pink pony nodded her head, still bouncing.
“I just need to find a way to get back to Liberty City so I can—”
“Oooooooh, Liberty City, that sounds like a cool place. I’ve never been to it before but I would love to because you’re from there and if you’re from there then it must be a cool place because—”
“Would you shut up!?” Niko yelled, a little louder than he had intended. “You are going to give me aneurism!”
The pink pony froze in mid bounce. She hovered in the air in front of him, her eyes starting to tear up. Her fluffy hair seemed to deflate like a balloon. A thought struck him, horses do not have hair, they have a mane. Her mane deflated like a balloon.
“No, nonono, don’t cry,” Niko pleaded. “I did not mean it.”
She sniffed once and dropped back to the ground. The pink pony let out an earsplitting wail before darting away like a pink bullet.” All the ponies in the square glared at him. “What?” he called. “She wouldn’t shut up.” The ponies were starting to really creep him out. Their big colorful eyes seemed to bore right through him. He started off down the street, no clear location in mind. Ponies dodged out of his way as he walked.
After a while he noticed that a cyan pony was following him. He stopped and looked back. The pony chuckled nervously at being caught. Niko noticed two things. One, the pony was flying. And two, the pony looked like a rainbow. Her mane was rainbow colored, along with her tail. “Why are you following me?” he asked, gazing coolly back into the pony’s pink eyes.
She shrugged. Niko really wished ponies would stop doing that. “Just watchin.’”
“Well go watch someone else,” he growled.
“But what if I wanna’ watch you?” she asked. The cyan pony did a little summersault in the air and landed in front of him.
Niko looked down at the rainbow pony; she didn’t seem daunted by his size at all, which made it all the more creepy. “Look, if I get mad and yell, you better not run away screaming like crazy pink pony.”
“Oh don’t worry, nothing scares me.” She replied haughtily, bringing a foreleg across her front.
“Look, why are you talking to me?” Niko asked dully. “I am just guy tripping in… some weird land of ponies.”
The rainbow pony shrugged again. “Cause you’re different than the other ones.”
“Different?” Niko asked sarcastically. “Of course I am different, everybody else here is pony.” A purple female pony shot him a glare as she walked by. “Stop looking at me like that you purple pest!” he yelled after her.
“No no,” rainbow pony said. “Like, different from the other humans I’ve seen before. You’re like, the only one who hasn’t been eyeballing my flank the whole time drooling.”
Niko rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah,” the cyan pony added. “I’m Rainbow Dash.”
He scoffed. Rainbow Dash glared up at him. “Sorry,” he chuckled. “I am still getting used to name thing.” He looked around at the other ponies, who were still giving him a wide berth. “Niko,” he said, holding out a hand to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash glared at his hand. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” He withdrew his hand quickly. He continued to gaze down on the rainbow colored pony. A thought dawned on him. “I am talking to a rainbow pony,” he muttered absently. He looked up, around at all of the different colored ponies trotting to and fro. “I am talking to a rainbow pony and she is talking back.” The color drained from his face. This was really happening.
“Are you okay there?” Rainbow Dash asked, sounding somewhat worried. “You aren’t looking too good.”
“No,” Niko choked. “I am in land of ponies, talking to ponies…” He looked around at the surrounding town, horror slowly setting in his mind. “And I am not dreaming!” he yelled. Niko made a fist and brought it down hard on his head. The ponies were still there.
“Hey, take it easy.” Rainbow Dash said. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
Niko pointed an accusing finger at the rainbow pony. No!” he yelled. “You are not real!” He spun around in a circle. All the ponies around him were now looking at him. “Stop looking at me!” he bellowed. “You are not real! None of this is real!” Niko turned and ran. He had no idea where he was running or why; but he ran. He sprinted from the main street of the colorful town and into a small alley between two buildings. He looked back. The rainbow pony was following him. “Stay away!” he yelled. Niko turned back in time to see a wooden balcony. The deck was directly at his eye level. Before he could even think about stopping, Niko ran face first into the balcony. He immediately lost all sense of current being.
When he opened his eyes again, he was on the ground. Two rainbow ponies looked down at him with concern. “Now there are two of you!” he yelled in horror. He tried to stand up but was overcome with a sudden wave of dizziness, and was forced back to the ground. Slowly, he pushed himself to a sitting position and propped his back against the wall of a building. He was in a kind of alley, between two shops. The near-evening sun shone down the narrow alley, turning the already bright colors of the town even brighter. He wondered how the sun had seemed to go down so fast. Maybe he had wondered the town for longer than he had thought. He wasn’t sure of anything right now.
His eyes found their focus, and to his immense relief, there was only one Rainbow Dash. “Are you okay?” she asked. “Looks like you hit your head pretty hard.”
Niko only chuckled dryly. “I am not dead. So I must be alright. On the other hand, I am talking to ponies, and I am not dreaming. So, I am not alright.”
“So what, you’re talking to ponies,” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Big whoop, I’m talking to you and you don’t see me yelling and hitting my head on things.” Rainbow Dash sat down beside him. At least, he figured it was stiing. It was the same way a dog or a cat would sit, but he had never seen a pony do it.
It felt weird looking at the rainbow pony from this angle. Niko wasn’t quite so sure about it. When he had been standing, all the ponies had been below him. But now when he was sitting, Rainbow Dash’s big pink eyes were at the same level as his.
“Do you like, need to go to the hospital or something?” she asked skeptically.
“No,” he waved a hand in her direction. “I just have bad headache.” Niko reached into his jacket and felt the familiar square shape. He pulled it out. “Perfect,” he exclaimed.
“What’s perfect?” Rainbow dash looked curiously at the bottle in his hand.
Niko brandished the whiskey bottle happily. “Pain killer.” He uncorked the bottle and took a swig. The strong liquid warmed his throat all the way down to his stomach. Rainbow Dash shot him a questioning glance. “Whiskey,” he clarified.
“kinna’ looks like apple juice to me,” the rainbow pony mused.
Niko laughed. “This is a little different from apple juice.”
She still looked curious. “Mind if I tried some.”
Niko shrugged. “Sure.” He looked around, realizing he had nothing to pour the liquid into. “Have you got cup?” he asked Rainbow Dash. She deadpanned. “Okay, no cup… whatever.” He held out the bottle to the rainbow pony, who clasped it between her front hooves. He was already in the weirdest situation of his life. Sharing a bottle with a pony wasn’t really that strange anymore. “Take little drink,” he warned. He laughed again. He was calling ponies ‘who’s’ and ‘they’ instead of them and that. He really was losing it.
Rainbow Dash raised the bottle and took a sip; she coughed deep in her throat. “That’s not that bad.” She made a face suggesting mild surprise. She took another sip. “Why don’t we have this stuff here?”
Niko took the bottle back. She muttered something in protest but he didn’t hear. “Because if you drink too much you get funny.”
Niko took another swig. Rainbow Dash flew over to him and pulled the bottle from his grasp. “Hey,” he protested. “That’s mine.”
Rainbow Dash landed next to him and took another drink. “You can share,” she said.
“I don’t think you drinking that is best idea,” Niko warned.
The rainbow pony scoffed. “Why, what’s gonna happen?”
* * *
“So listen to this,” Niko chuckled. He flew the empty whiskey bottle in front of him like it was a toy plane. “Back in Liberty City, we have popular video game. All the kids think is best game ever. It called Grand Theft Auto.” He laughed out loud again and Rainbow joined in. “And all you do in this game is drive around in cars and shoot people! And all the kids love it.” Both he and Rainbow broke out in hysterical laughter.
“That game sounds boring,” she slurred. She fixed her gaze on the bottle in his hand. “Hey is there any more of that stuff?” she asked.
“No,” Niko replied. “I think that you drinked it all.”
“No I didn’t,” Rainbow scoffed. “You did. You’re lying, it’s not empty.” She lunged towards him but Niko pushed her away.
Niko looked at his hand and broke out laughing again. “You feel like a marshmallow,” he said.
“What’s that mean?” Rainbow shot him a prying glance.
Niko threw his arms out. The bottle flew from his grasp and broke on the ground. “I don’t know,” he scoffed. “I touch you…” he trailed of, staring at the moon. Niko gave his head a quick shape. “I touch you, and you feel like marshmallow.” Niko stumbled to his feet and stumbled around in a circle.
Rainbow Dash tried to get back at him. “Well you look like a… a mule, that… that walks on two legs. Like a human.” She unfurled her wings and hovered up to level her gaze with his. She lost control and crashed to the ground.
He pointed a finger at Rainbow; she was on her back, staring up at the sky. “You are pretty messed up. I do not think you should be flying.”
“I think I’ll stay here a minute,” she muttered absently, staring up at the sky. Every star reflected in her large eyes.
“Don’t worry,” Niko reassured. “I will carry you.” He bent down and picked up the rainbow pony. He held her in a way so as she was still looking up at the sky, cradled in his arms. He grunted. “You are heavy.”
Rainbow Dash glared at him. “Am not!”
“Are too,” Niko shot back. He took a few steps forward and lost his balance. He lost control of the rainbow pony in his grasp and she fell to the ground. She rolled like a log into a trashcan. Niko stumbled and fell flat on his face.
They picked themselves up, Rainbow giggling madly, and staggered out to the street. “Let me call us cab.” Niko slurred. He pulled out his phone. “Damn,” he swore. “I have no service in ponyland.”
Rainbow Dash giggled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. But you’re funny.”
A yellow pony was passing by pulling a wagon. Niko stuck out an arm, “Hey! Yellowpony!” The pony pulling the cart quickly changed direction. “Yeah! Screw you then!” He hollered after the departing cart. Niko spun in a circle, looking around at the dark town. “I need place to sleep.”
“Oh, I know!” Rainbow said cheerfully. “We can stay at Twilights place. I don’t think I can fly up to my house anyways. I’m feeling a little tipsy.”
Niko’s eyes grew wide. He pointed a finger up to the sky. “You live in the sky?” he asked, dumbstruck.
“Yep,” Rainbow Dash replied proudly. “I live in a cloud home.” Niko broke out laughing. “What’s so funny?” she asked defensively.
“That is why you have your head in clouds.” He gasped in between spurts of laughter.
“Come on.” Rainbow stumbled a few steps down the road. “I’ll take us to Twi’s.”
“Let me guess.” Niko held up a finger. “She is a pony.”
“How’d you know?” Rainbow Dash asked in awe.
“I read your mind,” he answered seriously.
Rainbow scoffed. “I doubt that.”
The two staggered down the street, Rainbow leading them to whoever Twilight was.
“You know what’s funny?” Niko slurred.
The rainbow pony cast him a serious glance. “What?”
“We are going to see pony named Twilight, and right now, it is twilight.” He finished with a hearty laugh. “It is like some sort of irony or something.” Niko laughed and Rainbow joined in. They staggered onwards. About five minutes later Rainbow Dash stopped in front of a tree fashioned as a house.
“Here we are.” She announced.
Niko pointed a disbelieving finger at the tree. “Twilight lives in a tree?” he asked.
“Yep,” she replied, staggering up to the front door. Niko followed, gazing up in awe at the tree house.
“Tree house,” he chuckled to himself. “It is tree, and house.” Rainbow Dash reached out a hoof and banged on the front door. A light flicked on somewhere upstairs. It took a minute for the pony inside to reach the door. When it finally opened, a purple pony with a purple mane stood in the doorway, looking rather aggravated.
“Hey Twi, what’s up.” Rainbow started awkwardly.
Twilight deadpanned. “Rainbow, it’s the middle of the night, what could possibly be so important that it couldn’t wait until morning?” Her gaze looked over rainbow to Niko. “And what’s he doing here? I thought he was still in the hospital.
“They let me out for good behavior,” he slurred.
Rainbow cast a questioning look back at Niko “You were in the hospital,” she slurred. Rainbow turned her attention back to Twilight.” We need a place to stay the night,” Rainbow pleaded. “Please Twilight?”
The purple pony groaned. “Fine, just tonight.” She pushed open the door and stood aside to let rainbow cross into her tree house. Niko chuckled at the thought and followed. As he was entering, he hit his head on the top of the door frame. Rainbow pointed a hoof at him and laughed. Twilight shut the door and turned to face them both.
“Are you okay rainbow?” she asked. “You seem a little… funny.”
“Yeah,” rainbow replied absently, staring up at the ceiling. “Hey Twi?” she asked.
“Yes?” Twilight prodded.
“Does your ceiling always spin like that?”
Twilight looked puzzled. “How could my ceiling be—” She was cut off when Rainbow flopped over on her side. The winged pony snored loudly as Twilight rushed over to her.
She looked worriedly at Niko. “What’s wrong with her?” Twilight demanded.
Niko chuckled. “She had a little too much apple juice.” Twilight glared at him. “It is okay,” he reassured. “She will wake up tomorrow with big headache.” He looked around the room. All around the walls were lined with shelves of books. “Where do I sleep?” he asked. “Because books do not make a good bed.”
“I’ll go get you some blankets.” She muttered, exasperation seeping into her voice.”
Niko shooshed her. “We are in library, you are supposed to be quiet.” He frowned, realizing she had answered his question. “The floor? Okay.” He staggered over to a corner and sat down hard. The floor was good. He lay back and closed his eyes. “Ponies are crazy.” He chuckled to himself.
<Please don’t hurt me.
~Sorren
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"The pony chuckled, “Oh no, not at all. No, humans poof into existence here all the time. They normally don’t stay very long though. Mostly they’re all just a bunch of wimpy kids who stop after the first chapter because nobody liked their self-insert. But once we had Ellis here for almost a week.”"
That's so fucking true most of the time...
This is gold
Oh god I love it.
At first, I wasn't going to read this Fic. But then I thought:
myfacewhen.net/uploads/719-well-why-the-fuck-not.jpg
So I read it anyway.
This is filled with so much AWESOME!!
I've played GTA4 a bunch in my time, and the fact that someone made a fic to fit Niko's crazy lifestyle....scratch that off my bucket list.
:360528 i know right
Niko's so in character, it's not even funny.
...Okay, maybe it's a little funny.
...Or maybe it's the reason this entire story is comedy gold.
Either one.
A friend suggested I did this last year after a conversation. I rejected, thinking it would be far too silly and looked down upon.
...good job.
"Hey Cousin, I need a cab!"
"Niko you are my cousin! Why would I not send you a cab?"
And then Niko got a bowling cutie mark.
The end.
cool story, brony!
gamesprays.com/images/icons/holy-shit-that-was-awesome-1780_preview.jpg
The pony chuckled, “Oh no, not at all. No, humans poof into existence here all the time. They normally don’t stay very long though. Mostly they’re all just a bunch of wimpy kids who stop after the first chapter because nobody liked their self-insert. But once we had Ellis here for almost a week.”
*Looks at own fic that I'm writing.*
God bucking dammit!
360670 Lol well said with the used of an image, but it would seem Nikko knows that his world is a game.
Did i meantion that you win at life?
I laughed like an idiot the whole time, and my family was looking at me funny. Love it, love it, love it.
HURR. NO GUNS? NO FAIR! 'least let me have a pistol, what about this one? its so weak i could pull trigger when it points at your eye and you still live! no? Ugh
This story is brilliant. It's well executed, Niko's reactions and dialogue is believable and I find it funny that HiE stories were referenced as a fairly regular occurrence. I wonder if Ellis is still around or if he just stayed the week. It sounded like a reference to the story Name's Ellis.
That was awesome.
Niko just can't get a break huh?
No, Pinkie, I don't want to go ****ing bowling!360514 How funny that I saw your comment here today; my fic is a week old as of today, and it's a self-insert. And... nobody liked it. Well, six people apparently do.
Please don't hurt you? Why would anyone hurt you for writing this damn good story right here.
I can see Niko doing all of this. Plus we got Rainbow Drunk, and making fun of crappy self inserts. This is good stuff. Can't wait to read more good sir
361116
Self-inserts are painful to read, even when well-written. That's why only a few people thumbed it up, probably.
361189 I can see that being true. Makes a lot of sense.
361193
The only self-inserts I can bring myself to read are ones that are straight comedy. Any with romance, drama, or adventure are usually pretty uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY if the self-insert plays a pivotal/crucial/prominent role in the plot. Having that kind of stuff with the character on the side is alright when it's handled well. It's even more jarring for MLP fics, at least in my opinion, especially romance, and ESPECIALLY main characters (of any fiction).
361211 Yup, you won't like my fic then, it's an adventure in which a manifestation of myself plays a pivotal role.
361219
I'll pass on that, then. I looked at the tags, and I'm glad there isn't romance, at least. THAT leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth (har har).
GTA IV and MLP: FIM, not sure if brilliant of crazy
361228 I heartily agree with you on that.
GG
Oh, oh your good.
i can't believe I'm saying this but, you do Niko well. can't wait for more
"applejuice"
ha
Didn't even read it but rated a like anyways. Anything with Niko Bellic in it is most likely good.
Next up, a story of Drago, my nemesis
Rainbow being drunk... I believe we all can agree that it was made canon that she is a drunk in the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 episode.
Oh yeah another good crossover
I'm liking this idea
Ha Niko is so funny when he is drunk
Oh my! This is hilarious! xD Great job~
-Silver
What do you do with a Drunken Pegasus?
Tell her stories that she won't understand and then suggest that she not drink and fly, and then laugh when she tries anyway.
361952 That specific cheat code you are thinking of is from San Andreas. and the code is 0,0,L1,0,0,0,L1,L2,R1,Triangle,0,Triangle. Do not ask why i have that memorized. And no, i would prefer not to drop Rhino tanks out of the sky in the middle of Ponyville. Let's keep things at least partway on this side of farscape shall we.
I hope you forgive me for commenting without reading the story..But I just HAVE to say this...I actually had this idea like a month ago since I didn't see any Niko bellic in equestria fictions..but now....Thanks bro.
What is this a crossover of? *googles name* Ooh I have a bad feeling about this story...
So I'm going to read it.
362362
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/184/961/tumblr_lnvvueuSsj1qcj56b.png?1318394475
362362
Story is made for comedy purposes. Expect this type of shit since it is funny.
It wasn't even remotely that offensive to even need to be pointed out.
362514
I really have nothing to say to that.
Because in all honesty, I was never a comedic guy, so I can see why you can think that, I'm not very optimistic.
But that doesn't mean I have no sense humor.
Wait, I just realized I do have something to say.
i368.photobucket.com/albums/oo121/2005r6rider/facepalm_implied.jpg
Well got to go, ALiens vs predator game is starting.
Cod and mlp? kick ass
sweet this was pretty awesome you should write moar
Neko? Neko?! NEKO?! HOLY SHIT!!!
This is pure. Fucking. Gold!