Twilight Sparkle flipped through her books, the smell of dry parchment gave her a euphoric sensation every time she was graced with the opening of one of her tomes. Beautiful, calm strokes of ink glided across pages, giving windows into the writer themselves. Oh how she loved books, full of learning and information, full of life and interest. She would get lost in the simple immersion, the gleeful sensation of reading. She dove into them, becoming surrounded and immersed inside their beautiful, beautiful words. She pulled one from the shelf, a purple aura commanding the book to move as if by hoof. She let out a sigh of glee, placing herself upon the plush softness of her blue couch. She propped it open with her magic. Becoming one with her simple tomes. She gazed at the title.
“Basic animation , oooh, this is interesting.” She said, her voice flowing like fashioned silk. She ran her hoof along the paper, feeling the soft paper rub against her hoof, she smiled happily and began to read. However, after only the mere first sentence, s loud wooden thud invaded her ears. She groaned, placing her book down. She Trotted over to the door, her hooves rapping on the wooden floor. She briskly opened the library door to find pinkie pie, her mane in more disarray than usual. Her eyes were bloodshot and sweat was pouring down her pink coat.
“What in the name of celestia happened.”
“Need... GASP...help...GASP...Pumpkin...GASP...turned...GASP...Gummy...GASP...into... GASP... plush toy, now she’s...GASP...Chewing on his...GASP...head!” Twilight’s jaw dropped to the floor as she heard the news. Pinkie leaned against the rough brown bark of the tree, getting a precious moment of air. The cool air penetrated her lungs, filling and expanding, as she fed this precious oxygen through her blood to her brain, muscles, and other areas. She sighed, savouring this air as a pony savoured water from an oasis.
“In short, I need you to bring something unfamiliar to her that she’ll want to suck on more than gummy while I devise a plan.”
“Well...I was actually reading up o-” Twilight was met with a pink velvety hoof pressed against her lips.
“I can figure this out!”
“Ok...then?” She blurted vexingly, confused as to why pinkie was being so stubborn, yet, then again, she had been before the first time she foalsat for the twins. She sighed, and nodded approvingly. Pinkie jumped up, obviously back to her normal, energetic self. She burst into the tree, tilting her head this way and that, looking for a toy for the little foal. Her nervous hoofsteps echoed through the atrium of the large angel oak tree. She began biting her hoof, sweating profusely at the idea that even Twilight had nothing. That was when she saw it, a small grey burlap toy, with stringy hair and a quill in hoof. It was perfect.She raced up the steps without a second thought, while Twilight was still looking about for a teddy bear she swore she saw the other day. Pinkie went up to Twilight’s Memory chest and pulled the old toy out with her teeth, feeling the rough burlap against her lips.
“Ey Wiwigh, I Furnd Suming I Curld Uurse!” She said, her voice muffled by the toy.With that, she galloped out of the house, not even thinking about Twilight, or what the toy could possibly mean to her friend. Twilight turned back to the Library to find pinky gone, and sighed, plopping down on the soft reading couch. She sits back down, and props open the book, a sense of nerdy euphoria tingling up her spine. She begins reading the introduction, sinking into the beautiful ocean of language and words.
Meanwhile at sugarcube corner, pumpkin cake dropped Toy gummy to the ground, quickly picking up Smarty pants, the foal cooed, pressing the toy against her orange coat. She hugged the toy, and began to suck on Smarty’s hoof. Pinkie sighed and smiled, but then gazed at the gummy plushie, mouth open and eyes fixed in a fearful gaze. Pinke sighed and picked up gummy, his now felt scales softly touching her hoof. Pinkie skipped out of the room, leaving the twins to Carrot and Cup cake. Pinkie pie thought desperately for a way to turn him back, since pumpkin wouldn’t. Hey, twilight could! She thought as she bounced down the cobblestone streets of ponyville, confetti literally coming out of nowhere behind her. She bears a bright smile of pure elation. She knocked on the door with five sharp thuds. The door swivels open off of Pinkie’s hoof and Twilight gazed towards Pinkie.
“Hello.”
“Hey Twilight, I need help, can you turn gummy back into a living alligator again?”
“Course, In fact, I was just reading up on animation spells.” Twilight then realized what the worst case scenario could have been, and reeled back, heart pounding like a hummingbird behind her purple coat.
“Say, you found a stuffed animal, right, which one was it?”
“Oh, it was just some burlap things with button eyes and stringy hair holding a quill!” Twilights jaw dropped, and she seriously thought she was going to have heart palpitations. Her eyes squeezed up, and she only gazed at pinky, dumbfounded.
“Do.You.Know.What.That.Toy.Was.”
“Nnnnnnnnope!”
“Smarty pants.” Pinkie’s entire form deflated like a balloon to the stiff cobblestone street, she instantly inflated again, but looked down at her hooves, forlorn.
“Sorry Twilight, I didn’t know It was Smarty Pants.”
“Lets just turn gummy back, okay.” Pinkie nodded and looked up at her friend.
“Alright, let me see him.” Pinkie looked down again.
“One problem.”
“What is it?”
“I...I left him at sugarcube corner.”
“I don’t see that as much of a complication.”
“With pumpkin cake.”
“Oh.” Twilight muttered, and sighed loudly.
“Let’s just go.”
Twilight strained, trying to pull smarty pants out of pumpkin’s mouth with her magic, but pumpkin countered with her unfiltered magic and biting ability. The unicorn braced herself, continuing to pull, but soon, she gave up, slumping down. She plopped down of the carpet, saddened. Pinkie leaned down to pumpkin cake.
“Now pumpkin, you made auntie Twilie sad, do you like that.” Pumpkin just stared at her, loudly sucking on one of smarty pants’ hairs. Twilight braced herself, and pointed at Gummy.
"Alright, stand clear." She warned. Twilight began to perform the spell, a bright light emanating from her horn as she did so. Pumpkin cringed as the bright light met her eyes, she began to cry, confused at the situation going on. Her horn flared with a light blue aura, as she began to lift the nearest object to her, smarty pants. The burlap toy lifted from the ground. And Twilight, blinded by her spell, was aware of the crying foal, but not the toy floating in her vision. When her horn had channeled enough energy from the magical aura from the area to cast her spell, she thrust forward, focusing all of her energy at the point, which she thought was gummy. Her magic overtook the doll, spiraling like silk into a cocoon around Smarty Pants. Twilight fell like a stone to the floor, blackness overcoming her vision.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Twilight was awoken by a loud cry, she rubbed her eyes, and called out to pinkie pie.
“Pinkie, I thing Pumpkin needs a diaper change or something.” She muttered tiredly, her vision still blurry.
“Pinkie?” She called, She sighed, realizing she was probably gone partying. She found the blurred image of a bottle of milk and grabbed it with her magical aura, she found the source of the crying, and without thinking much of it, plopped the clear bottle into the foals’ suckling mouth, satisfied with the ending of the crying. She wiped her eyes, clearing her vision. She looked down at the floor to see what she expected as Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake, but instead of two foals, she found three. She gazed at the floor dumbfounded, as she saw gummy, still frozen in his wide-eyed gaze, sitting as a plushie, covered in the saliva of pumpkin cake. Pound cake was hitting his blocks gleefully, Pumpkin was sucking on her favourite butterfly. And another foal simply sat sucking milk from her bottle. She gazed, wide-eyed at this new foal. It had a grey-blue coat, brown hair sitting in three large clumps, and eyes differently colored, one blue and another magenta. With this and the absence of smarty pants, she could deduce what had happened. Smarty pants was now alive, there was no doubt about that. Twilight gazed down, frozen in the awe of what transpired. The door creaked open with an eerie sound and Pinkie Pie entered.
“Oh hey Twi, you finally woke up! Is gummy o-“ Pinkie followed Twilight’s gaze
“Well this is new.”
Nice Story start. I hope of more
A little too much wall of texty; but the idea of the story is promising, and if done right can become a really good story.
Given that Pumpkin's involvement in this tale's opening, shouldn't she be a character involvement as well ?
Still nice idea; keep up the good work.
Work on your grammar. Also try to split up the walls of text every four-five sentences, or when tou introduce a new thought.
Yes Pinkie ...
This is New!
Go on...
Wow, just uploaded yesterday and already there are seven comments! Sorry about my writing style, I tend to make large walls of text.
2445314
Pumpkin cake isn't a highlight able character, nor pound.
Biggest problem for me is the constant problem of names not being capitalized. I honestly didn't see many other issues though.
Hopefully I will see this again.
2445867
Thanks for the help, I have no editor so...yeah
Smarty Pants will need to borrow a cricket off Fluttershy, or something. I'll follow this, because the story idea seems neat.
This is a comment about the illustration and not the story.
Sorry.
Thanks Mr./Ms. Illustrator for NOT making Smarty Pants' eyes hang out of her head like a zombie.
Loved every word and am intrested to see where you will take this story!
A great start, I can't wait to see what happens next!
The story so far could use some editing for grammer and spell check, but it is excellent.
However, the fact that the chapter title was misspelled - Transformation - made me seriously hesitate to read. Glad I didn't let that stop me.
I guess you have this idea because of that Smarty pants- Mac idea?
Sorry for being an OCD nit-picker but I just don't know what to think when I pull up a story that looks like a great idea, and the very first sentence is a run-on.
dude, this really needs an editors touch. walls of text, run ons, terrible pacing grammer, I like the premise of this story, but it needs to be cleaned up before i can seriously read this :read later:
Idea and story looks good, gramma and punctuation needs some serious work though. See if you can get anyone to help you look over it before you post. I look forward to more this has good potential.
Randomly capitalized words that shouldn't be and character names that should, but isn't. Sentences with tense in present instead of past. Sloppy and/or missing speaker indications. And a couple minor typos. Not to mention a need for breaking the blocks of text into smaller pieces.
But the plot is good. This just needs some quick editing to clean up the quality; It's rather good quality for being bad.
Get a pre-reader or editor, and then this will be great. As is, it's... pretty good. Enough to follow, but the random capitalization and then lack thereof is fairly distracting, personally.
2452471 The Big Mac plushie in the cover art is a bit of a give-away.
Hmm, I wonder how he'll react to seeing Smarty Pants as a foal.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/042/b/7/big_macintosh__wut_by_perinigricon-d4pd4tr.png
I know there were plenty of comments like this before me, but I just want to point out a few flaws here.
The story pretty great. Fantastic even! But the main problem I'm having is with the dialogue Twilight and Pinkie are having in this chapter. They feel a bit dull. I don't really get the sense that they're really being themselves, and the words they share with each other are pretty much next to flat. Here is an example from the story:
Next thing you have to tackle is format the story a little bit better. What I'm seeing here is that sometimes you've mixed the dialogue with the paragraphs, which is a big no no in the writing community. The closest match I can compare this problem to is the dreaded Word Wall. Another example from your story:
Finally, you gotta focus on which words to capitalize and leave others un-capitalized. Pronouns are more specific than regular nouns (obviously) and have the privilege of making themselves look better with a capitalized letter at their beginning. However, you've done more than once to deny them of their rights to look like special nouns. What's even worse is that you're giving the "unimportant" words the right to look better, even though they shouldn't be capitalized.
Exhibit A here:
And Exhibit B:
I know you're trying your best, but if you're working by yourself with no editor, then you should take the time to double (or triple) check over your work to make sure if it's in publish-worthy quality.
Not that I'm saying your story isn't of course! I think the premise you've put out is really amazing! It just needs a little polish, and you'll be on your way to making a more fantastic story we can all enjoy immersing ourselves in.
...WAT.:
When I saw the picture, I knew the idea had the potential to be a great fic one day.
I'm still waiting for that day.
Great story premise, but maybe you should look into finding an editor. Aside from the already-noted problems of capitalization and possibly formatting, you switch tenses a few times. If you're having trouble finding them on your own, a fresh pair of eyes has a much better chance of catching stuff like that.
Get an editor.
Then this story will reach perfection.
As is, there are enough niggling little bits grammar-wise, and you also need to indent properly,along with fixing some of the speaking derps here and there, but the story itself is alright and the premise is interesting.
Blegh, run-on sentence.
Anyways, get yourself an editor or three, and you'll be fine.
The main thing I want to say is what everyone else has already said: I advise looking for an editor or pre-reader. Mostly I was only bothered by simple things such as errors in capitalization and puncuation, though the dialogue did seem a bit dull at some parts. And if you can take care of those minor issues, you'll have a great story on your hands here. I knew I was going to like the concept from the moment I read the description, and so far I'm happy to say I was right.
Also the paragraphs are sorta clumped together making it difficult to read...I really hope all these comments won't intimidate you from continuing this story because this is a cool idea just needs polishing
Curious! Several moments had some grammar problems such as capitalization of the letters, but other than that, cool story!
She Trotted
*trotted
Hey, twilight could!
*Twilight
Don't really like the pacing, so I stopped reading there.
This has potential, but it seriously needs a major overhaul like everybody else has pointed out.
What everyone else said.
The whole last part needs more logic.
Pumpkin is suckling on Smarty Pants'(you often forgot to capitalize the Pants) hair. Then, when Twi is casting the spell, Pumpkin levitates Smarty closer to her, bringing it into the line of fire. Seriously, was Twi aiming directly at Pumpkin or how did that work?
Also, why was Pinkie gone? Twi casts her spell, blacks out and suddenly Pinkie is gone. And if she left while Twi was unconcious, then she should have noticed Smarty, right?
I think this story is promising. However, it is in serious need of a proofreader. Or three.
Well, this shows promise. Then again, a lot of twimom fics show promise, especially when they're not twi taking care of foalified versions of other ponies she knows. WIll read on