Hard Love

by Julian McQueen

To Lustily Kiss

Batman and Derpy Hooves were celebrating a magical Valentine's Day together. Batman had cooked a disgusting dinner and they ate inside a vaseline-filled glove by candlelight.

"My darling," Derpy Hooves said, stroking Batman's chin, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Batman. "It is but an evil token of my hard love."

Batman opened the box. Inside was a throbbing Soul Edge! He gazed at it quickly. Then he gazed at Derpy Hooves quickly. "It's delicious," Batman said. "Come here and let me kiss you."

Just then, a cynical crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a rainbow that attacked his crotch. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a stinky voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Derpy Hooves read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other huskily as the crone cackled some more. Batman's arm began to tremble. Then Derpy Hooves shrugged, pulled out a Materia, and hit the crone on her chin. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Batman said and kissed Derpy Hooves happily. "This is a pink Valentine's Day!"

They deeply burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they licked each other all night long.