An Epitaph

by TimeSolidMetal

Chapter 2: A Dead Pony and Holy Matrimony.

"I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities,
we have done something to make others a little happier,
and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is the best we can do.
To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is
where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try."
-Roger Ebert

Chapter 2

Mixed Number carefully treaded down the cobble stone spiral staircase to the morgue. The stair case was dimly lit with a few torches, of all things, and felt unnecessarily wet and dank, like that of an old sea ship's brig.

"Oh, jeez..." He murmured to himself, carefully stepping down each step, his horn is glowing a cool blue again while he uses his magic to hold up the plastic tub for the jewelry. His hooves make a light clopping noise every time they come in contact with the cold cobble. "Could it be any more unsettling down here?" He looked around, squinting, trying to see into the dim lit area once he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Let's see..." He quickly spotted a wooden door, light was coming out from under the thick entrance way and a pony could be heard on the other end, although it's impossible to make out what he's saying. Mixed Number tried to shake off the damp feeling on his light blue hooves, but realized it was ultimately futile, and continued on towards the door.

"Body #1 is... oohhh, who knows how long he's been dead? One... two weeks?" A cheery voice piped happily from behind the door. "Let's see, what could have killed you...? Could it be THIS?" Mixed Number flinches lightly at a quick, wet, organic sound that emanates from behind the door. "Hm... that WOULD do it. Better keep looking."

"Uh... hello?" Mixed Number called out nervously, pushing the door open with his hoof and peering in. Inside was a small room, the walls were comprised of smooth stone brick and metal body storage freezers lined up the wall on the right and left side, and a single body furnace at the back of the room, with a small rectangular window in the top of the room to shine a bit of natural light in. In the middle of the room was an autopsy table with a bright posable lamp over it. Next to the autopsy table were multiple trays of medical items and some... miscellaneous items, like whisks and wooden spoons. But what was even odder than that was the pony on the autopsy table, who was alive and well, lying next to the corpse of a dead pony, who, unfortunately, was not in the same condition. The living pony seemed to have a video camera strapped to his grey hoof, aimed towards him and the body he's lying next to. He had ruffled dark gray hair and a light grey coat over his back, plus he wore a surgeons mask and lab goggles, which were idly resting on his forehead until they were needed. Besides, he wouldn't want to cover his beautiful light green eyes.

"Hm, yes. Hello?" The odd, cheery pony looked over at Mixed Number and smiled. "Aha! A visitor." He smiles even brighter and looks back up at the camera. He presses a button on the side of the camera with his free hoof, then smiles at the body next to him.

"Uh... Oh, boy. Um... Well, Gold Coin upstairs sent me to come down and collect the unclaimed jewelry." Mixed Number stuttered nervously, feeling a bit uncomfortable in the current scenario. "I'm guessing you were the pony he was talking about?"

"Oh, Gold Coin sent you? Wonderful!" The pony said with a smile, he hopped up off the table and clopped down onto his four legs. "I'm Phrenia. Schizo Phrenia. The Canterlot Coroner/Mortician/Medical Examiner, at your service." He gives Mixed Number a polite bow, then once again smiles brightly at him. "Oh, yes the Jewelry, I- Oh, for the love of- Give me one second." Schizo Phrenia gives him an apologetic smile, then turns and looks at a body furnace that's built into the wall, the metal door is slightly ajar. "Shut up already, honey! I can't give you anything right now, I'm not done examining the body. And also I'm not going to feed you when we have guests. Don't be ridiculous!" He walks over to the Furnace and shuts the door it tightly with his hoof. "Just let me talk to this pony, he's friends with Gold Coin." He cleared his throat and turned back around, facing the dumb founded Mixed Number. "I'm very sorry, my furnace and I love each other a lot, but she just doesn't know when to give it a rest." He said sincerely, even apologetically. "Mares, huh?"

"Er... Look, can I just get the jewelry so I can leave?" Mixed Number asks, his eyes a bit wide from the 'argument' he just witnessed. He hovers the jewelry tub over to Schizo Phrenia and wiggles it lightly.

"Oh, absolutely." Schizo Phrenia replies with a smile, walking over to one of the counters at the end of the room. "Let me just gather the box..." He swishes his tail as he searches under the counters, opening and closing several cupboards before finally pulling out a small cardboard box with his teeth. "Nf... Got it!"

Mixed Number let out a sigh of relief at the sight. "Phew, thank you..."

"Don't mention it, skip." He quipped back with a smile. Mixed Number walks over and begins to gather the few pieces of jewelry from the box and place them in the tub, but his eye catches the body that was lying on the autopsy table. "Wait... is that..?"

"Senator Iron Sides? Yep, he was killed by a sword wound to the chest. They found him in his apartment a few days after it happened." Schizo Phrenia remarks, he walks over to the metal autopsy table, which is lightly stained by blood and other bodily fluids. Mixed Number stares at the body for a few moments, he's never seen a dead pony before, and it's becoming hard to stomach.

"I-I should get going." He murmurs, picking up the tub of jewelry with his magic horn. Before Schizo Phrenia had a change to reply, Mixed Number hurried out of the room and shut the thick wooden door behind him.

"Huh... what a strange pony." Schizo Phrenia smiled, then looked over back at the Furnace. "Oh, quit hollering, I'm sorry I told you to shut it, it's just... Oo, you just get too 'pushy'." He trots over to the closed furnace and opens the door slightly. "There, better?"