No, wait…
Bi.
I meant bi. If I was actually homosexual, I wouldn’t have gone all head over hooves when I first saw Octavia. Bisexual.
I’m sorry, this is just hitting me hard.
See, I’ve always been very vocal about how pro-sexual diversity I am. I think that’s been well and truly stated, especially since I got here.
I mean sure, I freaked out about my orphanage founder’s confession to being… whatever the fuck she was, but only because her nymphomania coupled by her fetishes caught me incredibly off guard.
Besides from that, however, look what I’ve been doing. I’m supporting Rainbow Dash with her first try at batting for the other team, I was more than willing to lend a hoof to Apple Jack when she wanted me to help her talk to her grandma about Parfait; Shit, if it did turn out after her stint with Onderlandwah that Apple Jack was quite literally Apple Jack I’d be there telling her family and friends how that is fine and dandy. I’m even willing to go see Pinkie Pie someday and talk to her about her homophobia and maybe find some way to pack that shit in. I know for a fact that I love ponies being whatever type of pony they want to be.
But here’s the thing. As much as I love the ponies being whatever pony they want to be… I never thought I was one of those ponies. I thought what I thought I was is what I was, if that makes any sense. No experimentation needed. That I was just a straight-up straight stallion. Nothing special.
So now, at this moment where I realise that isn’t the case… this is throwing me through a hoop a little. Especially since it’s now.
Why now?
Why not when I was in puberty? Why not all the times I see a hoof-holds from homosexual couples when they’re roaming around the orphanage? Why not the first time I got myself some Captain Swash Buckler; or any other time I sail with the Captain out of deadly seas of sobriety for that matter… with his smooth, silky mane blowing through the air…
I smack myself in the face. Down, Woundsalt! This is not the time to fantasise over the pirate on the bottle! He’s probably not even a real pony! Even if he was, he wouldn’t respect you in the morning; he’s a fucking pirate!
Ugh… I’m so bucking confused! Why now? Why him? And most importantly, why is this new homosexual side of me coming at me so damn strong? I can feel my heartbeat in my neck, I’m sweating like a pig and down there… Do you really want me to talk about down there? This is horny! There is no denying it! I don’t even think a cold blast of water is going to cut it! I might need to be in there for at least ten minutes!
I need to talk to somepony about this. Maybe I’ll ask Vinyl when she comes back to me. She is what I think I’ve become, she should be a good pony to talk to about this. Wait, no. She’s at least an hour away and I’m not trusting myself to be left in this library with him. She found out she was bisexual thanks to Onderlandwah anyway, not like I’m…
That’s it! Onderlandwah!
I’ll talk to me about this. Inner me, I mean. He is all of me, right? If there is anyone who would know more about me is me. Can’t pretend I don’t need to check on Prin... sorry force of habit... Page Presser, anyway.
I head on up and open the door. He isn’t there. There is, however, A note. I'm guessing he already woke up and ran off.
Woundsalt,
Thanks again for giving me a hit of this stuff. It definitely did the trick… though it was really weird. I held up this magical sword and said some magic words that made me muscular, Satchmo became some kind of giant green beast, you were a skeleton with a silly voice for some reason… but as weird as it was, I feel like it confirms what I was worried about for a while now.
Hmm… okay. He said this has something to do about this Croissant filly… what is this confirmation?
As I was going to tell you, yes this was to do for Croissant… but that’s a nickname of her’s. Or much rather, his.
His? Croissant’s a stallion? Oh buck, he found his true sexuality before I did, didn’t he? Trust Printed Page to get his shit together before Woundsalt, the mother bucker! Ah well, all this proves is that me taking another hit of Zecora’s powder is the right thing to do. I might as well keep reading before I do, though. I kind of want to know this stallion’s name.
Baguette is his real name. Croissant’s the name he gives himself while he’s in public. I believe in some circles he would be known as a fishy-drag, meaning a colt who makes himself look like a filly in such great detail, he’s able to fool ponies around him as one. He had me fooled, I give him that.
Oh. Oh...
Oh, buck! I just realised! What did that note in Page’s wallet say again? ‘Let me know if you want to walk on the wild side’? Walk on the Wild Side is a song by the late and great Velvet Reed where a bunch of transgenders dress up as fillies and fuck stallions! How the buck did I miss that? I love Velvet Reed!
As you may have also guessed, Baguette came to me in his Croissant persona while I was on vacation in Prance. It was a fun time… although I have the feeling it wasn’t much of a holiday, what with everypony coming up to me. The book was released about a month beforehand, so naturally I wasn’t getting much privacy. They were bucking ruthless! ‘Can I have your autograph, Monsieur Page?’, ‘Can I have a photo with you, Monsieur Page?’, ‘Is Woundsalt with you, Monsieur Page?’; relentless. Bucking relentless. Croissant showed me a quiet cafe where nopony saw us.We were talking about a few things, like you, her work, how I felt when you had that interview with Satchel Mouth; that sort of thing. I was constantly buying her wine, knowing how happy
dadPrinted Mint would be if he saw me with a Prench filly under one of my front legs… I suppose I had my comeuppance.This led to her apartment and… well, that’s when Croissant realised that I didn’t know he was Baguette. She decided to break it to me. I, naturally, was stunned. However, at that point I noticed something about my holiday that I hadn’t noticed before;
DadMint wasn’t there to tell me no. To take me away from the ‘freak’. To scold me for even thinking about doing what I did next.
Oh goddess, he didn’t…
It was the greatest night of my life.
He did! He bucking did!
Unfortunately, we both knew it was only for the night. We couldn’t risk Mint knowing about that night, and she had work for the rest of my time in Prance. Croissant is a waitress… apparently her boss doesn’t know the truth. Anyway, the last time I saw Baguette/Croissant, she was kissing me on the cheek and slipping the note into my wallet. I never brought it up with anypony since. Since then, I have been wondering; who was I with that night? A filly named Croissant? A colt named Baguette? Both? The answer’s clear now, thanks to you and the powder.
He’s gay.
I’m gay.
… For me?
No, not for you. I’m not making all that fan fiction true. Seriously, I could be your brother, for buck’s sake.
Oh, thank fuck.
I’m off to Blue Curaçao’s. I’m hoping he and I might have a talk about this. He seems like the type of pony who could help me out with this new discovery.
Thanks again,
PrintedPage PresserPS: I saw the clock before going under. For future reference, I was out for half an hour.
Half an hour, huh?
Yeah… I got time.
I throw the note off the bed and jump on. Thanks for proving to me it works, Page. Now it’s my turn to use Onderlandwah to solve the mystery of my sexuality.
I put some powder in my hoof and licked it.
And then I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
“What the buck’s taking so-” Oop, there we go.
Huh. So Page is gay, Salt is questioning, and they both have no feelings towards each other. Why does this sound like a bad sitcom waiting to happen? Like Everybody Loves Raymond levels of bad sitcom? Or is that just me?
6156286 Oh, like we haven't been on that kind of level before...
Can't Wound's magic narrow down who the poosibilities of who his sibling is? It probably can't find any pony specific without more leg work from Wound himself.
Maybe Woundsalt just has a thing for pirates?
I mean, people generally don't just take a hit of rum and suddenly start craving dick. On the other hand, this is Woundsalt we're dealing with. I'm still waiting for the big reveal that Vinyl is his sister, Octavia is his evil twin from another mother, and Twilight is secretly his mother. Suddenly becoming bisexual would be pretty much par for the course by now.
6156286 two friends in the city. One is gay, one is bi. And everyone just wants to see them get together. Too bad they don't agree. Coming this summer to esquire network, a salty surprise.
6156333 you watch FAR too much bad telemundo
6156385 Too many Salts, too many salts...
6156385 Yeah, that kind of thing would be the ad. Now who is the biggest supporter of them getting together? Would it be the bi couple who want to add a third to their love life, the questioning girl next door, or the homophobe who wants every one happy? Oh wow, I just turned it into a quick one minute ad on TNT or something in my head.
6156292 Not recently, but fair enough. Then again, you usually set things up so its expected, and thus doesn't hit this level nearly as quickly.
need to get my straight on again after reading that, hang on, v=XSEesQzomE8
were good.
6156450
Ah. Would've thought she'd be more familiar with Canterlot Palace.
Seems like an interesting read so far.
The chapter title makes me think someone has seen the "you are a pirate" video on youtube
6157293
Oh, wow. Never saw the full version before.
6157293
This is a much better version.
6158109 Had to do it.
6158167 Never seen that version. After watching, I like the version I posted better.
6156333
PFFFT! The Vynal=sister reveal can only happen AFTER they have a wild night and she ends up pregnant with him reasonably convinced he's the father, so that the question can be hanging over his head right up until the denoument.
6158333
Everyone has their own taste, no biggie.
6158907 *their
Ech, silliness for silly moment. Got to play the shtick right. Otherwise, it won't be blunt enough.
Your version is okay otherwise.
6158903
Ooohh, I like it. But if not him, then who got her pregnant? Obviously, it has to be Hater D. They have drunken hate sex right after the competition and Vinyl finds out that the "D" in her name is more than just for show. But she doesn't remember it until later because she gets amnesia due to an unexpected head injury.
6159449 I really hate it when good fanfic ideas become nothing but a comment
6162740
Hey, if you want to write it it's all yours. I barely have the free time to read some stories and leave a comment here or there, much less write on my own, so if you've got the time and the inclination, have at it.
6162740 There is the Alternate Universe tag isn't there?
6164915 Don't worry... An answer will come to answer this.
6165575 I kind of agree with him, but you have been very clever so far and have always had some hidden explanation ready for all of your other twists. I am willing to sit back and see how this plays out.
i have a gut feeling... is... is wound becoming an extension of you? i mean, are you portraying yourself in his image? like a persona of sorts.
6169351 I'm... I'm not sure to be honest with you. I see some traits, but not all of them.
this story... it wont end any time soon. i can see this... my question is, as long as you have fans, is there a limit? would you dedicate to 500,000 or more words if it were to last that long? would you eventually do a "choose what happens next" and have the fans give input? raffles? guest stars? legit publishing and distribution? how dedicated are you? your fans are devouring every chapter. if you keep putting out, we'll keep reading. hell, i'd put money towards you if you have a Patreon. i look every day to see if you update and we are all ecstatic when you do. keep up the salty work,
your's truly, an over-enthusiastic fan
oh, and the plushie is still in the "holy shit how the fuck do i even make a 3-D thing out of cloth" stage. there's... i might just have someone do it for me cause i'll get bored and i'm stoopid.
6184262 Really, the only thing that could happen is a hiatus. Not some bad ideas, though... I wouldn't mind a bit of money... I'll run it by a SIDTT blog.
why in equestria have 56 people disliked this? seriously? it's probably like the aimbotting and DDoS attacks on pony servers... people fucking it up for those just trying to have fun... bastards.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker
Grammar score out of 10: 10 (Note: Grammar is not my strong suit. Assume this translates to no higher than an 8 because I miss things)
Analysis
It's rather difficult to come up with three pros and cons for this. This isn't because it's a particularly good or bad story, but because most of the pros and cons as I see them are rather interrelated and can be summed up with one giant pro that few writers seem to capture as well as you do in this fic.
Presentation is everything.
To that end, I'm dropping the usual three pros and three cons method in favor of pure analysis.
First, I need to bring up the number of items in this story that would generally count as cons to most other stories. The kinda edgey oc narrator with fantastical powers befriending all of ponyville being the easiest to come to mind. As I said before though, presentation is everything. There's something in how you portray the story that has me enjoying many of the things I'd probably find annoying in other stories.
It's hard to figure out why, but I believe it can be narrowed down to several things.
The biggest of these is your timing and your unique style of subversion of expectations. I call your method of subversion unique in that many authors subvert a situation only at it's conclusion. Someone with enough genre savvy can predict and see these subversions coming and possibly even predict a double or triple subversion. The way you subvert expectations I can only describe as quantum subversion. I'm not sure how intentional it is, but your diction often has me unsure of exactly what to expect. I might expect one thing only for a small almost insignificant phrase to have me switch camps. A couple paragraphs later and I might be back to my original expectations. You essentially keep my expectations flip-flopping back and forth until I don't know what to predict, I normally pride myself on being able to predict events in a story. Even when my primary predictions aren't right, I've usually at least considered the actual events that occurred as a plausible path. I find your story, however, to be delightfully unpredictable despite the number of tropes you're using.
The other reason you seem to be able to turn many potential cons into pros, however, is your tasteful use of meta humor. Meta humor is usually an acquired taste, and while I enjoy it I see why many people might find it annoying. In your case, however, the narrator is an author. It makes complete sense that his sense of narrative causality would land him in an existential crisis when his life starts to seem like a story to him. It's simply something that seems so in character for him that it's almost hiding the fact that it's meta humor. It was just another joke as far as I was concerned when reading it.
Last but not least is the little things you often toss in. The things I process a second later to go back and reread because they're just that amazing if out of nowhere. Lines like the one where he casually dismisses crying ink as odd, and the later follow up some number of chapters down the line where he realizes the damp patches of fur on Octavia's face are tears and he's just never realized when he's made somepony cry before. Having him literally suffer and cry to provide the ink for his own work was a particularly nice touch.
In conclusion, you have a remarkable story with the potential to completely blow up in your face. Slip up in your masterful presentation of things and it will blow up, but as is it's absolutely fantastic. The only thing I can really suggest to improve it is to make sure enough people preread it to make sure you don't slip up
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: dC/dt ≠ 0
6189995 Oh, hey! Thanks! I'll try and return the favour ASAP... Things be getting busy!
........
And then over the next ninety five years Ponykind went extinct except for the Alicorns because everyone tried a zebra drug and discovered that they found the same gender they were attractive afterwards, and then the Gryphons moved into an already-constructed country just ready to be filled with citizens once again.
Sniper's voice: "The End."
Besides the fact that every vision is a reference the powder only works when talking lmafo
preview.redd.it/scdutryyt6h51.jpg?auto=webp&s=5bcad232ebccc522e088542792e27465e32dbdda
Reference to He-Man.