Twisted trunks loomed over the two minuscule fillies as they gently walked along the cold dirt path. The leaves blocked out all sunlight and they had difficulty even seeing their hooves as they scuffed the dirt. Tree roots reached for their legs along the path, silently cursing as their hooves guided them out of its reach. Gnarled holes formed faces in the trunks, all snarling at the two fillies. Leaves gently fell down, silent and helpless.
The two fillies crouched low to the ground as they walked with their eyes darting about the darkness.A snap sounded to their right, the two fillies jumped, and a squeak came out of one.
The small glowing green moss that crept over the path was a beacon in the darkness. However, sometimes the glow would fade or cease completely. The two fillies would clutch each other, shuddering until, slithering out of the darkness, the glow would return. They were assured of their safety as long as they could see the path. But believing that sometime the glow might not return, the fillies quickened their pace.
Zecora had made a pact with the forest for the thin trail of safety the two fillies were following. They did not know if the monsters around them would accept the pact the and they were afraid to find out. As they made their way through the near-darkness, a blue glowing plant began to appear. At the sight of it, Apple Bloom’s shoulders slumped from alert to slightly wary and her legs picked up the pace again. Realizing they were nearly there, her concerned eyes became filled with hope.
The path curled around and they finally arrived. The green glow faded as a brighter source of light scared away the shadows; the ramshackle roof and wooden walls hiding the warmth inside away from the prying eyes of the forest. It lurked around the light, afraid to approach, but wary enough to continue to lurk. It wasn’t hungry for the warmth cradled inside its nest just yet, but one day it might be.
The dull thudding of Apple Bloom knocking struck through the silence. Hearing a branch snapping, the two fillies glanced behind them. As they turned, a shadow flew past a break in the trees. They began to edge close to the door.
“Apple Bloom, did you see that?” Apple Bloom nodded, not speaking at they both shivered. Another crack, as their heads turned toward the sound and were rewarded with another glimpse of the shadow. They were now pressed against the door, hearts thudding in fear. The shadow appeared, avoiding the blue flowers and moving toward the path that led to them. Fear, and darkness, made it impossible to tell what the shape was. They turned their backs for a moment to try the door but it was locked. The creature had taken their lapse in concentration as permission to get even closer. The fillies pinned themselves on the door and whimpered.
“Zecora open tha door!” Apple Bloom shouted, the fear making her voice sound very loud in this forest. The shadow inched closer, and closer and closer and finally—
“Argh!” Sweetie Belle fell backwards as the door opened inwards. Apple Bloom joined in, falling next to her. They quickly jumped up, eyes darting to where the shadow had been. However, all that could be seen was the light from the open door. The shadow was gone. They hesitantly turned to face Zecora.
“My dearest Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, I was not expecting you this soon.” Zecora moved aside to let the two fillies inside, closing the door behind them. The house was cluttered with masks depicting various expressions of fear and a boiling caldron in the middle. But it was warm, safe and they were relieved as they were shown to a seat near the head of the caldron.
“Sorry fer intrudin' on ya, Zecora, but Sweetie Belle wanted ta ask ya some questions and Ah had ta show her how ta get here.” Zecora smiled gently as Apple Bloom spoke, and brought two cups over to the fillies. They both sipped away at the drinks, not questioning what their contents were.
“'I am sure your intentions are pure and true. But shirking work will have consequences for you.” Apple Bloom wilted and glanced downward at Zecora’s words.
'Ah know Ah'll be scolded by mah big sis, but Ah couldn't leave Sweetie Belle ta walk here all 'lone.” Zecora nodded, and Apple Bloom watched her from the edge of her vision, avoiding looking straight at Zecora.
“I believe, dear Apple Bloom, leaving now will stop her gloom.” Apple Bloom’s head snapped to rapt attention at her words, leaping to her hooves in hope.
“Yah mean if I leave now I won’t get scolded at all?” Her hope was obvious, and Sweetie Belle giggled. Zecora gave a nod, a smile falling onto her face at Apple Bloom’s simple fears. The filly then turned to talk face to face with Sweetie Belle.
“Ah'm sorry ta leave ya like this, but ya know the way back now, and it's less scary comin' back”
“No worries Apple Bloom.” She cursed her high pitched squeak at the beginning of the sentence. Sweetie Belle gulped down her fears at having to go back alone. Of course, she was scared, but she also didn’t want her friend to get in trouble for helping her.
“I'll be sure to tell you what happens tomorrow.” They embraced, sharing a moment of friendship before separating, Apple Bloom heading for the door.
“If ya get scared, Ah'm sure Zecora'll be happy ta escort ya. Okay bye.”
Sweetie Belle waved goodbye to Apple Bloom as she opened the door. The warmth swept out of the room as she closed it behind her. Sweetie Belle assumed, due to her friend’s confidence that she took this trip regularly. She never even once considered her friend might get seriously hurt.
“So-Uhm…Is it okay if I ask a few questions, Zecora?”
Zecora paused in the pouring of her own drink at the filly’s words, and put the jug down. She walked over and sat down next to Sweetie Belle. The zebra looking into the unicorn's eyes and nodding once.
“Well I was listening on my sister and Twilight talking; I know I shouldn’t have been but…Well they mentioned some kind of prophecy, a ‘first sign’ and someone called the ‘Sweetest Belle.’ And I don’t want to ask them because they obviously don’t want me to know about it, so I thought I would come and ask you.” Despite her quick glances away from the zebra’s eyes staring at her as she spoke, she managed to get it all out without a single squeak or stutter.
Zecora blinked, and turned away for a moment, deep in thought, before turning back.
“Your sister and her friends have much to fear, but that is also why I am here. I can tell you the truth, which you seek, but once you hear it you must not freak. Let me first finish my tale, then if you wish you may wail.”
Sweetie Belle felt she should have been insulted by Zecora’s words, but she could also sense Zecora was speaking from experience, so she gave a hesitant nod. The filly was certain that the zebra knew what Rarity was hiding.
Zecora leaned back, her eyes closing as she entered a trancelike state and sat motionless. For a moment, Sweetie thought she was meant to do something. But then Zecora’s eyes opened, appearing as pitch black holes in the skull of an otherwise lively face. She reeled back in response, but didn’t get up or move away. Zecora began to speak, her voice hauntingly hollow.
“When the sweetest belle has green eyes, the world shall meet its untimely demise.
“Magic always tells the truth, malevolent eyes hidden by youth.
“Black and White will meet with green, to tell my words to ears so keen.”
Sweetie Belle felt a chill go up her spine and her mind went blank for a moment before coming back online. So this Sweetest Belle, who would cause the end of the world, had some kind of magic eyes and would meet with someone Black and White to hear these words? Suddenly it all clicked, and her mouth hung open in shock.
Her eyes were magic. That magic had been hidden by her youthful inexperience. She had met with Zecora, who was Black and White, and she had green eyes. She wasn’t the Sweetest Belle, but she was Sweetie Belle.
Could she…No, it couldn’t be true. She barely noticed Zecora come out of her trance. Sweetie Belle opened her mouth, and prepared to stand up to utterly freak out, and remembered what Zecora said. Her eyes met the zebra’s, and she held off freaking out until she finished, as promised. Zecora nodded in approval, and began to speak.
“There is more prophecy, that much is true, but that is something I cannot tell you. I can only see what has been, I cannot tell more to ears so keen. If you are this Sweetest Belle, do not fear the day, that fate decides to come and take you away. We still have two options you see, to save you from this destiny. However futile I feel it to be, I will help my Sweetest little filly.”
Sweetie Belle took a moment to absorb what Zecora said; it took a certain amount of skill to read her rhymes. From what she could fathom, Zecora could only say what had come true of this prophecy, not the full thing. If she is Sweetest Belle, there were two ways to stop this prophecy from happening. And Zecora was willing to help her. Now that Zecora was finished, she had something very important to do.
“WHAT THE HECK!? Oh my god! I can’t be this Sweetest Belle! This can’t be true! I’m not going to destroy the world! I have no reason to why would I want to-this can’t be right why the hell does it have to be me this can’t be true I am just a small filly with special eyes. It CAN’T be me tell me it’s not me Zecora!” Pausing to catch her breath, she allowed Zecora time to answer.
“I fear you have reason to feel very blue, because this prophecy is very true.” Standing up Sweetie Belle began to run in place at Zecora’s, glancing around rapidly for some way this could be wrong.
“Nonono this can’t be right, I can’t put up with such a fright.” She stopped running and blinked, wait, that wasn’t what she had thought. “How do you know you can protect me from danger? I want to know how much you will wager.” That didn’t quite sound right to her, there was something wrong, she should defer.
“I wager my life for your protecting, you will survive the mistake we are correcting.” Zecora continued settling the filly down, waiting for her to stop being such a clown. Sweetie Belle was so distraught at this, why did things have to be so amiss?
“Ok, panicking won’t stop this prophecy. Where are we going to in such secrecy?”
“We are looking for a special key to stop fate from acting so angrily.” Zecora replied. “This is a journey for two alone, taking you very far away from home.” Sweetie Belle sighed in sadness. There was one more question in this madness.
“Ok I have one last thing to ask. What are the two options? You described one task.”
“The first is death, which we will not do. The second is an adventure for me and you.” Sweetie Belle paused at her notes, this adventure sounded very remote. If she agreed to this quest, leaving her friends and family was probably the test.
“Zecora I have something to say, you know if that’s okay. Is the rhyme thing you do, able to be caught from contact with you?” Zecora laughed at the little filly, she was being very silly.
“Only for a moment in time, will you be forced to rhyme. I do this more for my own fun, I can stop-“ Zecora saw the filly nod and give a look that was quite odd, “-okay, it is done.”
“Are you sure it is done? I’m not very good at rhyming.” Sweetie exhaled in relief when she realized she could speak normally again. Zecora chuckled and waited for the filly to continue. “So wait, what option is my sister going to take if it turns out I am Sweetest Belle?”
Zecora put her drink down and sighed. “Your sister and friends only have one; let Sweetest Belle be killed by the sun.” A chill swept through the house as Zecora spoke, a howl sounded in the distance and Sweetie shuddered. Raising her head, she shook it boldly.
“You lie! My sister would never stoop to such measures! I’m her little sister! How would you know this? Sure, we may fight, and she might make me her slave sometimes but we still love each other! You said it yourself; you can’t see the future. How do you know that is their only option when you have said we have two?” Sweetie was quaking in fear and fury.
“I may not see all the future just as you said, but knowing the past can also show what is ahead.” Sweetie didn’t believe this, she could not believe this. It went against everything she knew about her sister, the generous Rarity.
“I don’t believe you! I’m going home, you can keep your stupid prophecy and stupid plans; I trust my sister!” Sweetie stood up and began storming toward the door.
“As you wish, you may leave. I will be here when you choose to believe. If you ever end up running for your life, come to me and I will save you from strife.” Sweetie rolled her eyes and walked out the door. SHE WAS NOT LISTENING NOPE NOT AT ALL. Opening the door, she paused to hear Zecora’s last words, before snorting again and leaving the zebra alone to her false words.
“Remember Sweetest when you leave, you have never spoken to me.”
2369193
Oh not much, and stop spoiling the story!
When the sweetest belle has green eyes, the world shall meet its untimely demise.
You have my attention sir. Added to read later. I'll get to this tonight.
2433414
yay~
2433661
I consider it more of if you spend enough time around someone their habits start to rub off slightly.
Kinda like catching a cold.
2433736
I try not to be confusing, but sometimes I fail.
2434661
WILL YOU MARRY ME
er
I mean be a nitpicky as you want, I NEED NIPICKERS.
2434736
Yeah I've got pre-readers now.
Her shoulders slumped from alert to slightly wary, feet beginning to pick up the pace. Concerned eyes filled with hope, they were nearly there.
Correction "hooves". I've been writing pony stuff so long writing hooves instead of hands and feet is almost second nature. Sometimes I screw it up when I'm writing with a human character.
"I can only see what has been, I cannot tell more to ears so keen."
This does not rhyme. I have no suggestions; I hate writing for Zecora. If you're okay with stretching it maybe, "I can only see what's already been seen, I cannot tell more to ears so keen." I still don't get what that means, but either way I chalk it up to Zecora being Zecora (aka criptic).
“WHAT THE HECK, oh my god I can’t be this Sweetest Belle this can’t be true! I’m not going to destroy the world I have no reason to why would I want to-this can’t be right why the hell does it have to be me this can’t be true I am just a small filly with special eyes. It CAN’T be me tell me it’s not me Zecora.”
Sweetie Belle just said "hell"...putting aside the fact that the mlp universe has the greek version of hell known as Tartarus...what the fuck man?
Not that I have any kind of problem with swearing (piss, shit, cocksucker, motherfucker, ect), I really don't think Sweetie Belle would curse...ever. Tartarus isn't exactly a curse word, and it's canonically correct, so please just change that one little word.
She stopped running and blinked, wait, that wasn’t what she had thinked.
Correction "wasn't" and "thought".
TOO MUCH RHYMING MY HEAD HURTS!!! (Minor complaint, in truth I think that's pretty impressive)
"This is a journey for two alone, taking you very far away from home."
Does not rhyme, no suggestions.
*********************************
Well that's all I got for the grammar department, and now for my official thoughts on the first three chapters.
The idea you present greatly intrigues me, and the added prophecy (in rhyming fashion) demands attention. So you have you hook and line, but the sinker is the story (figuratively speaking).
The idea of using eyes for magic makes a lot of sense out of the prophecy, which makes me wonder which came first when you were writing this. The stress that Sweetie Belle goes through following the revelations seems very real, and the rhyming thing I can only imagine is part of some pre-writing magic code or some blah blah written in her from the beginning in terms of the prophecy, which makes it all the more incriminating that this is real.
So sinker, I like where the story is going to be honest. Personally I like the "screw destiny I am my own man" ending, but I also like the "you all betrayed me; time to die" ending too. The former because it's empowering and epic, the second because I just love watching the cute and innocent being corrupted into a blood-lusting revenge driven monster. I'm even writing my own story where that happens, a spin-off of a friends story, but I digress. Either way I like where this story is going to probably end up, and if you somehow find a different ending (that isn't recalling the whole story like the battle at the end of the Twilight Saga) I'll probably enjoy the whiplash.
Watching the struggle or acceptance is going to be fun based on what I've seen so far, so I'm removing this from "read later" to my favorites. I await further reading material. (In other words) MOAR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MOAR!
2434816
Oh please, you give me too much credit.
And errors to fix
Honestly this is how I begin preparing to write.
Idea comes, jot it down and think over it for a few days, or if I'm really driven first chapter.
After the basic plot is ironed out, look for a picture and then once more check the plot is ironed out.
Write
???
Profit
2434828 When I get an idea for a story I normally put it off for a couple weeks. If I'm still coming up with ideas for it and it's evolved from the original starting point: I start writing. If it hasn't gone anywhere and I don't really like the idea so much: I trash it.
Personally, I let the plot drive me after a while. At that point I'm just putting up scenery . I really do like where your going with this, like I already said. Though I do have to say, out of the three, I think Scootaloo would be the most likely one to push that "doomsday button" .
As for the errors, truth be told I've never really been the guy that points them all out before...ever. I can see I didn't really need to, since most of that was just nitpicking (except for the hands hooves thing; I'm a stickler for that).
Finally, I think those question marks are supposed to say "publish". (That's enough rambling out of me.)
2434844
KK c ya next chapter!
feet beginning to pick up the pace
leaping to her feet in hope
If you are this Sweetest Belle, do not fear the day that fate decides that fate comes to take you away
that wasn’t what she had thinked
1. Mentioned earlier.
2. Mentioned earlier.
3. Uhh... I feel like the latter part of fate is repeated and not really necessary.
4. Mentioned earlier.
Now then, Sweetie will have to eventually choose... much like how DA:O has you to choose and how it will affect your future... battles, I guess. Though I can't help but feel that Sweetie will only destroy Equestria when threatened with death just to save herself... Call me cliché but yeah, my head thinks of very cliché stuff sometimes.
2450083
Kay thanks.
2450083
3 and 4 are rhyming purposes
2450234 Alrighty then! But that awkward moment where auto correct says wasn't is spelt wrong XD
2450256
Rule of the thumb: Don't rely 100% on autocorrect.
2454056 There are no wiser words