Ten years ago, Professor Clockwork, an amazing inventor and business stallion who lived on a farm on the outskirts of Ponyville, vanishes in the dead of night, leaving his grand daughters Sunshine, Gearheart and Scarlet to themselves. Where did he go? No one knows. Gearheart gets called to Canterlot by her parents to finish her studies and Sunshine finds herself inheriting Clockwork's the farm. Only hours after moving in, weird things start happening and she soon finds herself in possession of a book that cant be read. After finding strange drawings and notes made by her grandfather, she decides to investigate his disappearance, which will change her life forever.
Chapters (1)
Well, you got a nice sort of train of thought thing going on here, but that's not enough on its own. There really needs to be some sort of conflict established in the first chapter, and you didn't really do this. You told us a lot about the character's past, but we don't know much about her desires or how she reacts to things.
These are important for a reader to relate to a character. Generally if you start a story in the middle of some sort of event, you can have your characters reactions to this event serve as an introduction to their personality. Nothing happens in this chapter until about 2/3 through, and it makes the start seem kind of boring. Even when something does happen, it's a pretty isolated event, and we probably wont come back to it at any point. This section of the story is quite isolated, and doesn't give us a good idea of what the story is about.
You have the ability to write a story that makes sense, and is mostly free of errors, but you need to think about what is exciting to read.
I'd have to agree with FakeScienceMonthly. I really wanted to know who this character, sunshine was before the end of the chapter. Though it does promise to be a neat story. I'll give it a follow