"Twilight you ok?" asked a very concerned Rainbow Dash
After the ceremony, Twilight very stupidly tried to fly off into the sunlight. She got about two hundred feet, then crashed into an oak tree.
"Yea I'm fine. Dang wings! How do you and Fluttershy fly with these things?"
"I barely fly Twilight, but when and if I muster up my courage I just don't look down." said the timid voice of Fluttershy. She, Rarity, and Applejack ran as fast as they could to where Twilight crashed. Pinkie skipped the whole way, meaning she got there first.
"I was born with wings Twilight. I learned right off the bat, but if I was given these things right now I would be just like you. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it." said Rainbow Dash
"Those wings are marvelous darling! Don't worry honey, it will take time to learn how to fly. The only thing I hate about them is all the clothes I made for you have to be altered for the wings." said Rarity
" Let me pull you out Twi." Said Rainbow Dash
"Ugh! Your in there deep. Applejack mind helping me?"
"Sure howdy." replied Applejack
Applejack reared her back legs and bucked them against the tree to loosen Twilight. She did too good of a job, because Twilight fell hard and fast toward the unforgiving ground.
"Rainbow, Fluttershy!" screamed Twilight as she was falling
Right when Twilight was about to hit the ground, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy rushed to her rescue.
"Sorry Twi. You know my bucking skills." apologized Applejack.
"It's fine Applejack. I'm having a party tonight to celebrate my newly given wings. You girls still coming?"
"Darling! I always show up at parties looking my best! Of course I will go!" replied the always humble Rarity
"You know Pinkie never misses a party! Heck yea I'm coming!"
"Can Applebloom come? She feeling awful lonely since Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo went on that trip and forgot to ask her." asked Applejack
"Yea sure. Vinyl will be the DJ, and later her and Octavia will be doing a duet together. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy you coming?"
"Umm, if you don't mind Twilight."
"Why would I mind Fluttershy?"
"Oh sorry. Yes, I'm coming."
"Can I invite the Wonderbolts? Soaring and Spitfire would make this party 20% cooler!" The look on Rainbow Dash's face was that of hope and excitement.
"Yea, the more the merrier! Well, I gotta go get things tidy around the house. Spike and I are putting the books in alphabetical order! I can't wait!"
"Classic Twilight. You can give her wings, but she'll still be the egghead!" said Rainbow Dash.
"Princess Celestia. Code orange, we got a code orange!" exclaimed a black stallion guardian. "Go tell Celestia, now!"
"What do you mean? She has escaped? I thought we made all the safety procedures in place. Night guards, attack dogs just in case of escape. She forgot all her spells years ago. Everypony that witnessed this has either died, or we shipped them off to deserted island so nopony could ever speak of it again! How could this happen?"
"Somehow she just escaped! It was my turn to change positions with Jack, and when I got there Jack was passed out and she was gone."
"She was always a powerful pony. That Sunset Shimmer could always make her way out of a sticky situation. But why now? Why here? After fifteen years of solitude why did she strike now?"
Above Celestia's and the guard's heads their on the wall is a small black fly. Listing to every word they say.
The thing you don't know Celestia, was that after the incident I somehow kept one spell. And that was the shapeshifting spell. I transformed into a cobra and got out of my shackles, bit the guard to know him out. Good luck finding me you washed up princess.
"I have to talk with somepony. My student Twilight Sparkle. Don't tell anypony what you saw, or you will be in solitude to. Understand?" asked Celestia
Twilight hmm? So this is the pony that replaced me? I gotta she her. Know my enemy, and know when and how to strike.
"Yes princess. I will not tell anyone."
As Celestia walked out of the dungeon, she could hear the small voice of her former student
"Miss me Celestia?"
"Where are you? I know that voice anywhere"
"Maybe I'm your conscience, telling you you should have never replaced me as your apprentice."
"You would have killed countless ponies, and I couldn't have let you done that!"
"But you and me. We could have been the ultimate rulers. I could control the ponies, and you could be my sidekick. Well, sorry I gotta be flying off."
And Celestia saw where the voice was coming from. That little fly going away.
As Sunset was flying off, she heard her former teacher say "We'll catch you! Just wait and see! You filthy mule!"
Good luck catching something you can't identify.
"Great party Twi! Hope you don't mind me bringing my bass cannon."
"Anything to keep the party going all night long Vinyl. That duet with Octavia was awesome by the way. Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?"
"Yea, she's dancing with Soarin. Might as well not bother her, if you catch my drift."
"Ha! Gotcha. See later Vinyl."
"One last question, where's Fluttershy?
Outside the party a fly is watching a cute yellow pony with pink butterflies on her flank. From the looks of it, she loves animals because is currently pulling a thorn out of a beaver's tail.
'I bet this is the one they call Fluttershy. To get to Princess Twilight, maybe I don't have to directly attack her, but the most important thing in her life. Her friends.
"Now Mr. Beaver, how many times have I told you to stop using pine? That kind of wood is to rough on your tail. Now what do we have here?"
Just then a little injured orange kitten stumbled out of the bushes in front of Fluttershy.
"Why you cutie. It looks like you have an injured paw. Let me take you home and fix you up little cutie! But I should go tell Twilight I'm leaving."
"Twilight look what I found!"
"Why it's a little kitten. Can I pet it?"
Just as Twilight went out to touch the cat it hissed and scratched Twilight on the wrist.
"OW!"
"Now that wasn't nice! I'm so sorry Twilight!"
"It's fine. I'm guessing you gotta leave."
"Yes, I enjoyed the party. Have a great night Twi, and congratulations on becoming an Alicorn today!"
On the way to Fluttershy's cottage, she rubbed the little "kitten" behind the ears, talked to it, and even gave it a name, Citrus.
"Now stay here while I go get my medical equipment Citrus."
'This pony is awfully nice. It will almost pain me to kidnap her. But the rise to power is a slippery slop. It's a pony eat pony world out there.
"Citrus I'm back. Citrus? Where are you?"
When Fluttershy was gone, Sunset changed from her kitten form to an even bigger, and deadly form. An anaconda.
As Fluttershy looked behind her, Sunset leapt out and wrapped around Fluttershy. Just enough to knock her out, not kill her. She just wanted to kidnap all of Twilight's friends one by one to send a message to her. With Fluttershy unconscious, Sunset had to think of a plan to hide the body, and a place to sleep tonight.
'I could hide in a tree. But where would I hide the body? I can't hide in the clouds because only Pegasi can stay up there! And what do I do when she wakes up? Oh wait!
As she was thinking about a hiding place she remembered seeing something not even Celestia knew about. Back when she was Celestia's apprentice, she stumbled upon a a secret tunnel not know to pony kind for a long time. She guessed it was an old mining tunnel used to get jewels and other natural resources when the land was still plentiful. It was in the Everfree forest, about ten miles in. You had to lift a rock that was as big as a full sized clouds dale, then crawl ten miles underneath the ground to get to a huge opening of stalagmites.
Now she knows a place to hide and keep the unconscious pony, but what if she wakes up?
'I'll think about that tomorrow. It's getting so late, I gotta get some rest soon.
She transformed into a large bird and carried Fluttershy on her wings. She stirred a little, but stayed knocked out. With the flight power those wings had they got to Sunset's secret place in thirty minutes. She remembered it was hidden on that stump right over there. She unlatched the metal door she installed so many years ago and put herself and Fluttershy in. Tonight she'll take it easy, and tomorrow she'll find out how to keep her knocked out.
8:05 am the following day
'Back when studying, I remember hearing something about a pressure point right near the neck, and if you pinch it hard enough it should know her out for a couple of hours.
As she used the technique she just remembered, it worked. The shy pegasi was knocked out, and would not be bothering her for awhile. Sunset laid a clever camouflage of leaves on top of the door so it would look natural in the forest. Perfect.
'Now who will it be? Maybe that energetic pink pony at the party last night? I've always hated pink, to bright and annoying for my taste.
Interesting- MOAR!!
Okay, if you want some criticism...
1) Get a proofreader. Just have someone who knows English skim over your new chapters and point out very common, careless mistakes with spelling, grammar, and usage.
2) Write longer chapters. It's a bit jarring having only a few hundred words to each chapter. Flesh them out a bit and slow your pacing down. Things are flying by way too quickly. In the prologue, for example, things go from situation normal to Sunset Shimmer staging a coup and then back to normal again in just a few paragraphs. You could even just combine your three prologue chapters--I've never actually seen a prologue split up in the first place.
3) Stick as close to canon as possible. I'd recommend you give this an Alternate Universe tag anyways, but in any case we've never seen walkie talkies in canon. Try and eliminate any references to modern technology the likes of which would be unlikely to be found in Equestria.
Which brings me to 4) SLOW DOWN. All three shortcomings I mentioned previously are almost certainly related to the fact that you've been belting out one or two chapters an hour. Take your time and polish your work before you rush out there with it. It'll be of much higher caliber.
Is there anyway I combine chapters? Anyone who can help thank you.
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Basically, you just copy the content, save the expanded chapter, and trash the old one. This might require some editing on your part, but it'll be worth it. Also, try to be a bit more romantic in detail. Instead of "she pinched her neck and it worked," you could say something more like "she followed the technique as she remembered it, and immediately she saw that the shy pegasus wouldn't trouble her for at least a few more hours"
Mine isn't perfect, but it extends the chapter in a way that feels nice. When you use details like this, you can surprise yourself with how much you can write. (One time I hit 2000 words. Crazy stuff!)
The idea you've got here is very interesting. Another powerful unicorn before Twilight who would have become a princess if it weren't for her corruptness. That's pretty believable and you've got an awesome plot. Like, the story kind, of course!
Okay, now I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm a new writer like you, and I know I would a) welcome any constructive criticism and b) not want to read any meanie comments that bash my story w/o reasons.
So constructive criticism, here goes:
1. You've got issues with grammar - often confusing your and you're, missing punctuation, confusing to and too
2. Don't switch tenses! Unless you've got a TARDIS, you shouldn't be travelling between past, present, and future.
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Should be:
Although, imho, it'd be better to rewrite the sentence like so:
3. A comma should always follow a direct address:
Should be:
4. Sunset Shimmer seems a little "Mary-Sueish" to me.
I'm totally fine with her being Celestia's apprentice prior to Twilight. That's a pretty reasonable assumption. Then there was the lightning that hit Celestia, the spell-stealing, and her pretty much completely over taking Equestria in ten seconds flat. I do like the idea of her shape-shifting, but even that seems a little overpowered.
BUT.
Don't you stop writing. Ever.
EVER.
If writing is what you love, keep on doing it. I'm just suggesting that you get an editor (if you like, I'd be happy to do it for you!) to look your chapters over.
Seriously though, this was fun to read and I hope you'll update soon.
Woah, this comment is wayyy longer than I ever meant for it to be.
Anyways, happy writing and best of luck to ya, fellow author!
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