" LISTEN UP!" a yellow-orange mare cried. The chattering stopped. "IF YOU ARE TRAINING TO BE FAST, THEN I HAVE TO DISCIPLINE FAST!" the mare yelled. She slowly paced back and forth in front of the young pegasi. She went on and on, giving lectures on speed, agility, clouds, and pairs. All of this was in a very loud, disturbing tone, which scared a few of the young ponies.
"Now! I need a volunteer!!" She paced a few steps over to a bright orange mare. "You. What's your name?!" She screamed in her face.
This caused the mare to stand up straighter, to save her reputation. She gave a determined smile and said, "Scootaloo Dash ma'am" she said in a sharp tone. "What's your talent, Ms.Dash" The coach asked
Scootaloo frowned. "Riding scooter." She said, curving her torso to show a scooter cutie mark.
Spitfire covered her mouth to keep from laughing. "PONIES HAVE STRANGE TALENTS, BUT THIS IS THE WORST!" Spitfire cried in a fit of laughing.
Scootaloo frowned. "Got a problem with it, Spitfire?" A new voice cried. Over in the doorway stood a cyan mare.
Spitfire froze and her eyes shrank. "S-sorry Ms.Dash. I -I respect you and your sister." The Wonderbolt said, bowing to the mare. "You better be, you worthless little -" "Sorry I'm late, Mom!" A neon pegasus cried, interrupting Rainbow Dash's sentence
"Spark Heart! It took you long enough!" Spitfire said. "Did I miss anything important?" The mare asked. Spitfire smiled at her daughter. "No. Did you get our new members all settled in?" The yellow pony asked. "Yup. He's bunking with me, right?"
Spitfire gave a questioning glance. "Yeah? Why do you ask?" The mare said questioningly. Spark heart's jaw dropped instantly. "Mom! I'm living with a deformed nobody!?" She screamed. Her wings unfurled and she took off into the sky. Spitfire sighed. "I guess I'm not a good mom." She stated, hanging her head in shame. Dash trotted over to her. She shoved her face into her till they were nose to nose. "Darn right you aren't"
She pulled away and walked away. She stopped in her tracks and spread her wings. With one flick of her wings she rocketed out of the room in a streak of rainbows. Spitfire watched on awe at this feat of speed. She came back to earth when Scootaloo went "Ahem?!" She turned and walked over to her students. "Scootaloo. Step up, please." She said, her angry tone renewed. The orange mare stood up tall and took a step forward. "Give me 20 laps now!!!" She screamed at her. Scootaloo took of with amazing speed and was off. She was leaving behind a pink trail and her wings were moving so fast you could barely see them.
Even Spitfire was jaw-dropped. The students were stunned, and thats when things went wrong. A snap came from her wings and she fell. Spitfire payed no find to her student and looked to the others. She pointed to a pale blue mare. "Spectra! Twenty laps!!" Spectra did the same as Scootaloo, but did not break her wing. Spitfire kept going through the students until finally she had called upon all of them. And Scootaloo was left alone. Very, very alone.
***
"Spark Heart, stop! Augh!! Please no!!" A gray stallion screamed. Spark Heart was standing in her room, pulling on the deformed wing of the stallion. The pain to him was unbearable. A rip came from his wing... And it tore. Spark Heart let go and The stallion became dizzy. His vision blurred. He walked toward his bed, his eyes streaming tears. "You horrible monster..." He said, his eyes pained. Spark Heart had no pain in her eyes. She didn't care.
"SPITFIRE!! Listen to me! I want Storm Twist DEAD!! He must be dead by next week or you fired!!" Rainbow Dash screamed at Spitfire
"I'm sorry boss... He'll be dead, ma'am. Spark Heart is trying to maim him now..." Spitfire squeaked, not used to being the submissive one. Dash smiled cruelly. "Good. You better get it done, or you will loose your wings and eyes." Dash replied, somewhat calm with the crude statement. Spitfire pushed her chair away from the desk. "Yes Ms.Dash. He will be gone by the last week of camp." And Spitfire was out of the room
A lot had changed for Spark and Storm. They were now sitting together on the bed, playing a game of Blockus with Scootaloo and Spectra. Spark and Storm were on the same team and They were winning.
"Ha! Better watch out, Scoot!" Storm twist cried, blocking her in with a big blue piece. "Aw man! You got me." She spread one wing, and fanned her red pieces off the board. She counted her squares, and shouted, "56...?" Spark placed down a yellow piece, blocking Spectra. She screamed out "SHOOT! I never win!" A knock came from the door and Storm cried "I'll get it!" He leaped off the bed and trotted calmly over to the door. He grabbed the door knob with his hoof and twisted it. Standing there was his life-long crush, Spitfire. His chipped ears flattened and his irises shrunk. His cheeks flushed read and he forced a cute smile. H-hi M-ma'am." He chocked out. She smiled kindly at the colt and asked, "May I come in?
Storm Twist smiled and nodded. Spitfire smiled and walked in. "Hi guys. Did you know your late for lessons? BY TEN MINUTES!!!!" Spark gasped. "Don't just sit there!! MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!" At this order the pegasi stood to attention, wings apart. Spitfire raised her head and said these three words; "Ready. Set. Go!"
Chapter one on the way!
Rainbow is OOC as buck.
2441995
rainbow factory rainbow dash is OOC
Evil Dash, Super submissive Spitfire.
Evil Spark Heart? Storm Twist just gets over it?
Scoots sucks at flying still?
Rainbow Dash wants your OC dead.
This got really brutal really fast.
It's also really disjointed. What's going on?!?
2442101
This is unrealisticly OOC, an element of loyalty wouldn't do that!
2442599
i think this story is stating that the character ran from the rainbow factory, and rainbow is in this as the rainbow factory pony, making her OOC like this because of the rainbow factory being in this story
Okay, your proofreader has arrived. One, you need to give some background on Stormtwist and Sparkheart. The characters seem out of place and without personality. Then things are a little rushed. Also, when your characters are speaking, you need to use punctuation. One other thing, when a different character starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, or else it seems jumbled and unprofessional.
This is for StormtwistForever, because she asked me to proofread.
Yeah, did you even read the tags xD. It's grimdark, and yes, Factory Dash is in this. The next chapter will be on Storm's background. Spitfire is a worker, so she is scared of Dash
Okay, so you'll have Storm's background, but what about Spark Heart? And the other characters, people will wonder about Spectra, and what happened to Scoots since we last saw her. Details like that are important. Master Hunter and I don't mean to sound harsh, but we're just trying to help you.
Love ya like a sister.
Oh, and I'll be needing another chapter. Soon.
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Initiating reading sequence because why not.
Oh god you reminded me of full-life consequences
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Wut
Yes, we know Scootaloo am ride scooter good
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What in the shitting dick bananas
I'm going to put this very, very nicely. This is written rather erratically and most, if not all the characters are immensely OOC. There seemed to be multiple shifts of scenes without any proper indication of it happening, and I was lost throughout most of it.
Plus, the concept is there: Just another rainbow factory fic. I can't stress enough how badly these kind of stories turn out, and how they're hated by a fair number of people, for good reason. Try picking another story idea and starting anew.
Yes, this chapter will get a lot revealed.. Also, I am looking for someone to make me some art!
2447929
Being realeased at 1:00 tommorow!
That's great. But people aren't liking this because its really disjointed and hard to understand. Description, description, description! That's key in a story! And even if its factory Dash, there's no way Spitfire would be cowering in fear. That's not like her
It's 1:00, and I see no new chapter.
Oct, be quiet! I was busy yesterday, and secral people are following me and liking / faving this and Taking Flight, also, I do not care about nitpick stuff!
T.T. Dash=Factory Owner!
Spitfire=Factory Worker!
That + That= Spitfear.
Nitpick stuff can help your story. Just sayin.