Nature's Call

by Doc Crowl

Chapter 2- Threat Revealed

I woke slowly, fighting a losing battle to stay asleep. When I could no longer combat it, I opened one lazy eye to see that the sun was starting its upward journey. I stretched my arms as far overhead as I could, feeling a little tight from my sleep position. A sigh escaped my lips, and I scratched absentmindedly at my head.

I was a little startled when I heard a sigh answer mine. Looking to my right, I saw the head of a character that seemed straight out of a cartoon I liked. “What is that show again?” I asked myself groggily. I didn't get the feeling that she could or would hurt me, but it was a little disconcerting all the same.

Then it all came rushing back. The gun, the paper, Q, Twilight crying, hitting my head on the tree. I felt for the bump on my head to reassure myself it wasn’t a dream; the instant headache seemed to indicate that no, it wasn’t a dream, and no, you shouldn’t stand up in trees. Very bad idea.

I made sure the pistol was still tucked away in my back pocket, then stood and stretched my back. The satisfying cracking of my vertebrae echoed throughout the surrounding trees, and stirred Twilight from her sleep. I would have apologized, but I was too enraptured with watching a cartoon character move around in three dimensions.

“Huh? Wha?” she drooled, still in dreamland. Her half lidded eyes drifted around and settled on me, without blinking.

I smiled and waved a hand. “Good morning!”

She regarded me with suddenly wide-open eyes, taking me in with the full light of the sun.. “So it wasn’t a dream,” she mumbled to herself, almost too quiet for me to hear.

Twilight stood and stretched out her wings, then hopped to the ground to stretch her back- never taking her eyes off me once. It was weird seeing a sentient, technicolor pony stretching the same way dogs do, but I shook that thought away. Who am I to judge other species?

Achieving a satisfying couple of pops herself, she rubbed the last traces of the sandman’s work out of her eyes and looked at me. “So... what do undocumented bipedal monsters have in the way of morning routines?”

Not exactly a normal thing to ask someone as they wake up, the question caught me a little off guard. “Well,” I said thoughtfully, putting a hand to my chin. “First of all, not a monster. Definitely want to clarify that before you go hurting my feelings. As for morning rituals...” I thought back to what was apparently an entirely different world.

Smiling, I said, “‘I wake up almost every morning with a slap to the face from my generous roommate, Dustin. After that, I usually have Raisin Bran Crunch or a protein shake, and take a shower.”

Twilight looked utterly mortified, and backed up a few paces. “What a horrible culture you must have grown up in, to have to wake with violence! And I’m not sure I even want to know what this ‘Raisin Bran Crunch’ is!”

I laughed, which only seemed to disturb her more.

“No, no,” I giggled. “I’m just weird. I get used to alarms too fast, so I asked him to hit me every morning and make sure I get up. He didn’t like it at first, but now he enjoys himself.”

I walked over to where I had dropped the stick, and regarded it casually. “You know, we should probably get a move on pretty soon.”

Twilight looked between myself and the stick, confused. “What... Why?”

“Well, it’s harder to track anything- pony or human- when they’re constantly on the move,” I told her simply.

“Well then…” She sat in the dirt, looking pretty scraggly. She must have been roughing it for a few days now, or at least been under an incredible amount of stress. Either way, it looked like her scraggly coat and mane both needed a desperate brushing…

Or a shaving. There was always shaving.

That was one reason I had shaved my own hair pretty short: I have two cowlicks, these whorls in my hair, that are at odds with each other. If I let my hair grow out, it would look like two separate grenades had gone off on the back of my head.

Sucks to suck, let me tell you.

“Well, what?” I asked, walking over to sit beside her. She flinched, but didn’t run, which I took to be a good sign. “You’re not going to suddenly pull a shower or razor out of a magic hat, are you? Because it looks like we could both use ‘em.”

I could just imagine that: singing a capella in a shower in the middle of a forest in Equestria. It was every brony's dream, really... Or is that just me?

Shaking her head after giving me a glare, she informed me that no, she couldn’t conjure a shower, but that there was a stream on the other side of the clearing if I was interested. It was the same one that ran through my clearing back home, and I groaned.

It was clean, sure, but it wasn’t all that large or especially appealing. I was never one for 'roughing it' like that.

“Uh, no,” I said, pulling a face. “I would rather wait until a real shower is available. Besides, I took one just a few hours before I came out here. But you,” I said, looking at her hair. There were small flakes of wood and even a few creepy crawlies that were in there, which I flicked away before she could notice.

“You seem to need a washing more than I do, no offense.”

“I suppose,” she agreed, but looking herself over, quickly made up her mind. “Alright, I’ll go and run some water over my coat and mane, just to get it untangled. I don’t have any soap, so it won’t be all that cleansing, but it’s something. When I get back however,” and now she turned her fierce eyes on me again. Scary eyes are scary. “You’re going to explain to me what exactly you are, and where you come from. Ok?”

I nodded silently, and then watched her walk trot in the general direction of the stream I remembered from Earth.

“If this forest is the same as the one on Earth, how many other things are the same?”

I stood up once more, and the rumbling of my stomach told me I was long overdue for some breakfast. I hadn’t brought any snacks with me- after all, suicide didn’t build up all that much of an appetite, so I’d heard. Waiting for Twilight to return so she could conjure some pancakes or something, I decided to get my story right.

What would I say about Earth? About my family? The human race in general? But then one question left me especially frightened. “What if she asks me what I was doing in the forest last night?”

I made my mind up almost instantly I would lie. Suicide is one of those grim facts of human life I decided to add to my List of Things Not To Mention Around Ponies- a list which suddenly seemed much more important. So: Cursing, Disney, Sex, and now Suicide. Good to remember as a few simple guidelines for traveling in Equestria.

“And the whole ‘you’re a cartoon’ thing?” I reminded myself. Well, I couldn’t hide every bit of knowledge I have, right? She probably won’t believe me even if I told her anyway...

I figured I would answer her questions as honestly as I could for everything else, but if the subjects got too, shall I say, out of hoof, I would shut it down. She would just have to accept that.

Just as I was nodding to myself, finally in agreement as to what to say, Twilight came trotting back. She looked much better, if a little chilled. It was the middle of Fall on Earth, so I wasn’t surprised it was getting a little chilly here in Equestria. More surprised I was actually in Equestria itself, but that was the sort of otherworldly shock that takes a long time to reside.

“Before you say anything,” I said to her as she approached, “Let me help you warm up!” She didn’t object, so I walked over to the tree to get my thermal shirt. Walking back over to her, I went to drape it around her.

Instead, she grasped it with a bit of purple magic, laid it on her back, and tied the arms around her neck. It looked more like a large brown cape now, but it also looked quite warm for her, so I didn’t object. I had only meant for it to be a towel anyway.

I meandered out a few feet to a patch of comfortable looking grass, and plopped down. If I was going to sit through a Twilight questionnaire, I might as well be comfortable.

“Alright Twilight, go ahead,” I told her, indicating a spot across from me. When she instead sat down about ten feet away from me, I rolled my eyes. “Fine. But let’s make this quick, ok? I don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary.”

No amount of prior knowledge or training could have possibly prepared me for the interrogation I went through. The SAT has less questions on it than Twilight asked.

At first I had to explain Earth, and my life. I detailed my family, leaving out that my father was dead. I told her about attending NAU, and coming out to my clearing on an almost daily basis. I let out the fact that this bit of woods looked exactly like the ones I had been in on Earth, and that just set her off on a tangent I didn’t understand half of.

Something about multiverse, parallel universes, bubble theory, quantum mechanics, particles of matter, wormholes, time and space’s relationship with one another, etc. I was always fascinated by that kind of stuff, even watched Morgan Freeman host a show about it. But the speed at which she was going, the little calculations she did in the dirt, the crazy gleam to her eyes- they all just threw me for a loop.

When she had calmed down a bit, she asked me about my family. I had two siblings. Yes, humans like me. No, my size isn’t normal, but there were some much larger than me. Did I have any pets? Yes, before I moved out I had 3 dogs. What are dogs on Earth? Like semi-sentient wolves, but tame for thousands upon thousands of years, and all different breeds. Like sentient, but not sapient, Diamond Dogs.

Of course, I remembered that Applejack had a dog just a second too late.

“How do you know about Diamond Dogs if you’re from this 'Earth' place, and were only transported here last night?” she asked suspiciously,

I sighed, knowing it had to come up eventually. “See, you and your friends are a cartoon where I come from, a series of very short movies that we watch for entertainment. Usually every Saturday, a new episode comes on, and a lot of people get up early to watch. I swear, we didn’t know you were real; we just thought it was a little girl’s show.

“The Elements of Harmony are the main characters, and most episodes end with a letter to Celestia in which a lesson about friendship is learned. That, along with a few fairly adult themes and jokes, is why men like me love My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, despite it being intended as a little girl’s show. Although I like it more for the fans themselves. They’re very talented, very driven people who create fantastic artwork and music, just to name a few avenues of entertainment.”

After a few moments of stunned silence, she started laughing. Just like I thought- she didn’t believe me.

“No no, really?” she laughed, clutching at her sides. I didn’t even know you could clutch with hooves! “You like a little girl’s show? You, the large human with facial hair and obvious masculinity issues?”

“I do not have masculinity issues!” I sputtered. Being made fun of for liking ponies by my friends was one thing. Being fun of for liking ponies by a pony? That's just not alright!

“And so what if some people said I looked like a girl in high school?" I retorted. "That doesn’t mean I let it get to me!” I have no idea why I said those words. I wasn't even thinking those words.

Ever heard of a Freudian Mistake? It’s where your true feelings or thought processes come out by accident. Except… on purpose in a subconscious way. I could recognize one, even when it’s my own.

My cheeks flushed red so badly, I swear I could have passed for Big Macintosh right then.

Twilight, after she stopped laughing, was again overcome by an insane need for information, in this case about my flushing face- which apparently happens to ponies, just to a much lesser degree.

“But... What about you being a cartoon?” I asked, perplexed. “I’m pretty sure that would be more important than my blushing!”

“Oh, weird stuff like that is practically expected if two universes are connected,” she waved it off. “Now, go on about the reddening.”

So I had to go into great detail about my embarrassment, even down to the Freudian mistake thing. Which lead to psychotherapy. Which led to physical medicine... Which so happened to be what I had been majoring in.

I gave her just a taste of the knowledge I’d accrued from medical classes: terminology, the overall wellness of the body, how each system relates to another, et cetera. I felt very proud to have such knowledge they should have had anyway in Equestria, and to make Twilight’s mouth hang open like that was just a bonus.

“But why not just use magic over the course of treatment in order to rehabilitate the patient?” she asked, clearly confused.

“Oh yeah,” I mumbled sheepishly. “Guess I forgot about that. You see Twilight, the thing is, humans don’t exactly… have magic... per se…”

Oh boy.

If Twilight had been any more excited, I would have sworn that she’d hold me down and open me up just to experiment on my liver.

As it turns out, Twilight did want to experiment on me. Thankfully, not by cutting me open and turning my organs into baked treats of a certain variety that were not to be mentioned.

“Ok, you stand there!” she shouted, and galloped away. Standing where she told me to, I crossed my arms. “So, being a Princess, are you any less inclined to experiment with new creatures, or does Celestia just have to reign you in?” I asked sarcastically.

Twilight cringed, then put her head down and slowly walk back to me. “I forgot, Paul,” she said shamefully. “I was so caught up in learning all about you, and how you got here, I forgot my own troubles. Celestia, Luna, the Elements… my friends...” she sniffed sadly. “They’ve all been taken… or worse.”

“Alright Twilight,” I said, uncrossing my arms and bending.. “Your turn to spill the beans. Who or what is it you’re running from? What happened to the other denizens of Equestria? And why can’t you just magic us to a safer place than the woods?”

She shook her head. “I can’t use my magic much. These... things, I don't know what they are, can track ponies through their use of magic. They employ a lot of the Diamond Dogs as their troops, and the Princesses and I have no idea how to stop them.”

“So, that means when you threatened me last night, it was just a bluff?”

She nodded. “Yes. That light was about as much magic as I can use without them tracking me, and even the magic used to fly can alert them. That was how they found us Princesses so quickly; we’re the most powerful magical ponies I know of, and we didn’t understand they could track so well then. That was last week. I’d been hiding at Apple Acres with a lot of other ponies for this week, but those things and their Diamond Dogs attacked yesterday morning at dawn.”

Twilight looked away. “I can still hear my friends screaming for help as they were dragged away,” she said quietly. “I heard them last night in my dreams, too. They were telling me I abandoned them… That their deaths were on my hooves.”

She looked me in the eye, amazing me with the resolution I found there. “But you came. You told them I had done all I could. You promised we would be coming for them, wherever they were.”

After a moment’s pause, she continued. “Then you started saying some sort of verse... It was something about being there for us, protecting us during the night, and helping us with our troubles. They apologized to me, and I don’t remember anything after that but feeling happiness.”

“It’s nice to know my help got through to you,” I said happily. “You were tossing and turning, really disturbed about something. I remember my father doing that sort of thing for me when I had nightmares. And you should know, what was said in your dream is true- I will help you no matter what I have to do,” I added honestly, feeling all glowy inside to see her face brighten.

She smiled, happy to hear me join her cause. Like I would’ve ever denied that shining face!

“There are a few gaps in your logic, though.” I crouched down on one knee, still a little taller than her head when on one knee. “Your friends are not dead. Think about it- these things wouldn’t bother hauling ponies away unless they wanted them for something. And the Princesses will be fine, if I understand the physics of this world correctly. After all, don’t the sun and moon remain still if they aren’t controlling them?

She gasped. “That’s right! I didn’t even think of that” I could tell that doesn’t happen often. “You’re smarter than you look!” she exclaimed, and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW, PONY HUGS!

...Wait a minute.

“Exactly how unintelligent do I look?” I asked, pulling away. She blushed slightly, the color flushing just under her eyes and in her ears.

“Ah, Well, that is, I didn’t mean you look unintelligent or anything, I just meant you didn’t look sma- er, uh, I mean…” I knew she didn’t mean anything by it, and don't care if she did; it was just fun messing with her!

I looked at her sternly from arm’s length for a few seconds, letting her bumble and sweat her way through an apology, before grinning and hugging her again. “I know, I’m just joshin’ ya!” She relaxed, then coughed to get my attention after the hug had gone on a good 20 seconds.

Don’t judge me. You’ve never experienced the wonder of pony hugs, or even the ponies themselves. So there.

“Right, gotcha, that’s the limit. I’ll count next time,” I laughed, allowing her to slip out of my arms.

“Good!" she smiled, scratching one forehoof nervously. "But who is ‘Josh’, and what does he have to do with anything?” she asked. Alright, so maybe not all Earth lingo had slipped its way into the land of Equestria.

As I was about to explain, the breeze picked up and a single word came whispering through the trees.

“Run.”

Twilight’s ears perked up and she shushed me. Swiveling her head around to look at the surrounding forest, I could tell by her sudden jumpy demeanor that we were in trouble. “You heard that whispering too, then?” I asked, glancing around uneasily.

“What? No, listen.” She was on edge, her eyes wide as he ears pivoted.

“We need to leave. Now,” she told me, turning every which way. I ran over to the gnarled tree, sweeping everything I had brought with me into my pockets and tossing what I couldn’t carry into the tree. I hoped I would be able to come back and repair my guitar, but there were more pressing issues at hand.

“Where to?” I asked when the guitar was satisfactorily hidden, not really knowing what direction the danger was coming from.

She listened again, turning her ears (which made me incredibly jealous) in a general eastern direction. “The howling is coming from that direction,” she informed me with a nod. I was hoping Twilight would go with conventional wisdom and run in the exact opposite direction of the threat, and wasn't disappointed.

When I stopped to listen intently for a moment, I realized there was a noise just on the edge of my hearing; it sounded almost like the baying of dogs on a fox hunt, or the howling I had heard the night before as I had drifted off to sleep...

Uh oh.

Thankfully, the 'opposite direction' Twilight had started towards was where NAU would have been, and I knew the forest over there pretty well.

“Follow me,” I ordered, then took off at a run toward the stream. I had seen prison movies enough to know that a body of water could throw off a dog’s scent. And being plenty shallow, it wouldn’t be too hard to follow the stream in the direction NAU would have been in.

Turns out, in Equestria, I could really book it when I needed to! As expected, Twilight easily beat me across my clearing. I was running faster than I ever had in my life though, not feeling a single bit of strain, so I was fine with her winning a single sprint.

“Time to see just what Equestria has in store for me,” I thought, and pushed my legs to go faster.

I rocketed up to Twilight, even passing her a couple of times as we launched into the underbrush of the thick forest near the stream.

Jumping over bushes, diving under large fallen trees, we were taking everything the forest could throw at us. My bike riding was nowhere near this intense, so I didn't miss the two wheeled deadweight much. We kept dodging moss-covered behemoths, flashing from one beam of light to the next. We made fantastic time, and pretty soon, I saw that we had found the spot further in the forest where the stream ran.

Quickly, I turned along the stream, running in a general west by south western direction. Jumping into the edge of the stream, I didn’t even notice the splashes I was causing. Twilight ran right beside me, a little closer to the shore. I looked at her and smiled reassuringly- not easy to do when running for your life at around 30 mph in a stream, by the way!- and she smiled back.

We continued in silence, on and on. After miles of running, I decided we had gone far enough. Jumping over the steam at full tilt, I veered off into the trees.

This area I was not familiar with, and I slowed to a jogging pace to let Twilight take the lead.

Only then did I realize I had just jumped about twelve feet of water like it was nothing. And had run for miles, not even breaking a sweat. I was amazed; I'd never even been able to run one stinking lap back home without gasping like a fish out of water! "Whatever's in the air in Equestria, I want more!" I thought to myself.

When she caught up though, Twilight was panting. She gasped for breath and stood on shaky legs, shaking her head and blinking hard. I could tell the run had really taken it out of her, and started to walk to allow her to recuperate.

“You alright, Twi?” I asked, concerned. She nodded breathlessly, trotting along beside me for a while before stopping. I stopped as well, watching her for any signs of dehydration or heat exhaustion. I even put the back of my hand on her forehead, to see if maybe she was sick. She seemed fine based purely off what I could see, but was going on like she had just sprinted an entire marathon.

After a few more seconds of panting, she shook her head. “I don’t know what it is, but I just feel so drained. I guess you really put me through my paces- I don’t exactly have a lot of time to exercise when I’m busy studying,” she admitted. “Or hiding from an evil oppressive force.”

I could understand that. Looking around, I realized my forest was no longer my forest- it was a jungle. “Do you know this area Twilight? Is there anywhere around we could hole up and wait for night?”

She glanced around, then grimaced. “Yes, I know this area. Did that ‘cartoon’ of yours mention how the Elements defeated Nightmare Moon?”

“Duh,” I said exasperatedly. “It was the first episode! Why do you ask?”

She sighed. “The ruins where that battle took place are nearby. They're the only place I know of for miles around we could hide. But I don’t like that area- there’s something… off… about it.” She shrugged uncomfortably.

“Well, unless you know anyplace better to hole up for the day so we aren’t caught, I’m all ears.” After pausing a few seconds to listen to any counter arguments, I continued. “Alright then. Guide us to the ruins please, Twilight. And remember, I won’t let anything bad happen to you. No matter how ‘off’ the situation may seem.”

She nodded solemnly. I needed to lift her spirits, but couldn’t figure how to do so.

She turned and started trotting in the same direction we were headed before. After a few minutes through the forest, I noticed a mist had built around us. If memory served, that meant we were nearing the rope bridge that crossed a chasm.

Sure enough, after a few more minutes of walking, the forest fell away to reveal an open space of nothingness, the area taken up by the gorge.

Through the deep fog, I could just make out the outline of a couple of posts set in the ground on our side, rope tied around each. As we neared, I saw the bridge itself stretching into a seeming oblivion ahead. There was nothing but the lazy swirls of the fog itself to look at.

Twilight was really getting nervous now, which got to me a little. Every movement was a jerk, every sound was registered, and every nerve was on fire. Not exactly the sort of hyper vigilance I liked, but as long as we made it to the ruins alright I wasn’t going to complain.

Twilight was exceptionally quiet. The bridge was narrow enough I could have grabbed either side of it, so there was no way we could go side by-side. Twilight also couldn’t fly for fear of drawing the bad guys’ attention, so she was forced to walk.

“Hey there, Twilight? I forgot to mention something.”

“What’s that, Paul?” she asked, prodding the first planks of the bridge uncertainly.

I scratched my head. “Well, y’see, I’ve got this... kind of debilitating fear of heights.” When she looked back with one eyebrow raised, I shrugged. “I’ve heard enough to know it’s far from pleasant, and let’s be honest- I’m much more likely to cause a breaking of this damn thing than you!”

Instead of comforting words, she just nodded sagely. “Yeah, I suppose that’s true. Now come on, the Ruins were your idea!”

I gulped. “Y’know Twilight, your bedside manner could use some work!”

So she graciously went just ahead of me, testing every step to make sure the planks hadn’t rotted away. I moved just behind her, my hands firmly clasping each rope in a vain attempt to control my shaking. I had to keep telling myself, “Don’t look down! Look ahead! Don’t listen to that rushing water at the bottom!” It worked for the most part, though there were a few times Twilight had to pull me along when the occasional hyperventilation made my vision swim.

It took us what seemed like forever, but finally I started to see shapes solidifying on the opposite side. I relaxed my grip on the ropes, and tried to calm my breathing as best I could. “Alright, just a few more feet and we’re off this godforsaken bridge forever!” I announced happily.

We were about 20 feet from the opposite side, and I could just make out the life-sustaining posts. Then the worst possible thing happened: I heard a series of quick snaps come out of the fog, behind me.

I looked back to see some of the support ropes had broken, and three more popped from the strain of our combined body weight as I looked on in horror.

My blood chilled, and in an instant I had picked Twilight up to hurl her overhead as hard as I could. Her weight didn’t matter, the distance didn’t matter, the pure brute force I had to use didn’t matter. They didn’t even register. All I could think was to get her to safety.

I had made a promise, after all.

As I saw her slam into the ground a few feet from the edge of the bridge and roll into darkness, I started to run. Now that she was safe, I could try to save myself. I pushed forward as hard as I could, launching myself after her.

As my feet slammed into the rotted wood, though, it gave way. There was nothing between me and the churning depths of the gorge anymore.

I fell into open air.

Putting my Equestria- enhanced speed to use, my hands flashed out to grab the ropes on either side of me. But it wasn’t just me that was falling- the entire bridge’s support had given way, and the bridge itself became nothing more than a pendulum swinging back to its origin.

Unfortunately, that origin was the side of a cliff.

As I the bridge swung toward the rock wall, I tensed my muscles and threw myself upwards at speeds no human being could accomplish. Rocketing upwards, the bridge planks a blur, I shot toward the top of the cliff.

The look on Twilight’s face as I flew at her would have been laughable.

That is, if not for the fact that even with enhanced strength and speed, and with my adrenal glands working overdrive, I hadn’t been able to clear the edge of the cliff.

I came so close, the ledge just a few inches from my outstretched fingertips, but it wasn’t going to be enough.

As I paused at the top of my leap, I knew I wouldn’t make it. “Don’t use your magic!” I screamed as quickly as possible, starting the downward slide.

Her face became set, as I fell backwards into the fog. Her mouth snapped closed, her eyes squinted, and the last thing I could see was her horn beginning to glow.

The glow that surrounded my body filled me with energy to the point I felt like I was bursting, but did nothing to slow my fall. Just as fast as it surrounded me, the glow disappeared, leaving me alone in the fog. I couldn’t tell how deep the gorge was, but I’d already fallen for a good ten seconds and the sound of rushing water had begun to fill my ears.

As I closed my eyes, not wanting to meet my fate head-on, I felt myself jerked roughly to a stop. I still refused to open my eyes, because I didn’t want to give myself false hope only to realize I had actually misinterpreted the feeling of sudden splatting death for a jerking one.

When I heard a series of quick snaps, I looked up to see the now free falling bridge come rushing past me.

Kicking around desperately in the magical embrace of some purple glowing ropes, I tried to get out of the way of the falling bridge.. It flew past my face, hitting my lower leg even as I tried to bring it closer to my body. Pain shot through me, white hot, but I bit my tongue.

I had almost died- there was no reason to complain about a little booboo!

The ropes began to drag me upwards, and I couldn’t help but to feel ashamed for myself as I came face to face with Twilight. She held me before herself, the ropes still encircling my body. However, she seemed to be in a surprisingly good mood.

“Well hello!” She exclaimed, grinning widely. “I thought I’d lost you for a minute there, Paul!”

“Yeah, well, you should have,” I mumbled.

I know, I hate mumbling. My hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Looking up, I continued louder and more forcefully. “If they didn’t know where we were before, they definitely do now! You’ve only known me for a day, and your life here is worth so much more than mine! Why would you put yourself in danger like that?!?”

Her smile only grew wider.

“Because we’re friends now,” she said simply, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “What makes you think your life is worth anything less than mine?”

”Oh, damn it. Did I say that out loud?”

After thinking about it, I couldn’t say really. I had always put others first, but there was a deeper reason behind than just being nice. I had always felt like I was lesser than others, and that maybe by helping them- holding them when they cry, helping them out of a tough spot, or making them laugh- I could improve myself. That was one reason for the early attempts to take my own life, among others.

But how to explain that to a pony? I felt ashamed that she had put herself in such danger for me, and the accidental outburst wasn’t helping my mood.

“Just… don’t worry about it. Can you let me down now?”

She complied, letting me down a few feet from the edge. The ropes were unceremoniously tossed into what I referred to afterwards as the Horrifying Gorge. Rubbing my wrists, and without being able to look her in the face after my outburst, I said “Thanks, Twilight.”

Definitely had to add yelling at ponies to The List at number 6. I felt horrible, for a multitude of reasons. “If you hadn’t- ” that was as far as I got before Twilight jumped up against me, hugging me tightly.

“You’re worth just as much as anypony in Equestria,” she mumbled into my midsection. “You’re giving your help in the most dangerous situation I’ve ever been in without a care for yourself, and I just met you! You are the most noble and lovable human I’ve ever known.”

I couldn’t help a tear welling up as I put my arms around her in return. “I’m the only human you’ve ever know, silly filly.”

We both chuckled a little, and then she pulled me down to her level. As I crouched down, she wiped away the tear that had betrayed me by slowly running down my face. “You’re my friend, never forget that,” she repeated again, still smiling evenly.

“If you forget your friends, even in the worst situations, then you have nothing.”

I nodded, and then held out my arms wide for another hug. She laughed a little harder, shaking her head, and hugged me again.

Hugging a pony? Greatest pick-me-up I’ve ever come across!

“Alright,” I said, standing. We both knew the consequences of her actions, and we needed a game plan to deal with them.“First of all, now you know why I’m afraid of heights. Exactly that.” I jerked a thumb behind me.

“Second of all, if those things are coming, we need to either get the heck out of here or make a stand. Got any ideas?”

She thought it over for a minute, then sighed. “This is as far into the Everfree as I even went. I don’t know the area beyond. Ponyville and Canterlot are overrun. The only other place I can think of that might be safe is Zecora’s house, but we’ll never get there before we’re caught. As things stand, our best bet would be to hide in the ruins of the old castle ruins and hope they don’t find us. After they’ve gone, we can try to make the journey tonight.”

I had no objections, and we continued on our way to the ruins of the old Castle of the Royal Sisters. I’d seen pictures on Google of old and decrepit castles, and figured it shouldn’t be difficult to find a hiding spot. I decided it probably wasn’t even that creepy, considering it had been the source of joy and magic for centuries..

Boy was I wrong.

As we came into view of the castle ruins, I was amazed by the sheer magnitude of the place. Its footprint must have been at least the size of a few football fields set side by side, and rose a good ten stories above the mist- that is, where the walls hadn’t fallen down. The structures were ringed by the setting sun, and the silhouettes were so dark I couldn’t make out any features. The entire compound was overgrown, and it seemed like the only way to the interior was to walk through the building right in front of us.

It gave off an incredibly hostile vibe, like we were trespassing on the graves of countless dead- and they didn’t like it.

I'd seen Poltergeist. I know you don’t mess with the dead when they’re in that sort of mood.

“You sure we should hide here, Twilight?” I asked a little nervously. She seemed as ill at ease as me.

“This is the only place we have a chance to hide.” She glanced over at me then, worry creeping into her eyes. “If we get separated, promise we’ll meet back at the clearing?”

I nodded, glancing back the way we had come. “We won’t get separated, I won’t let that happen. The only issue would be getting back across the Horrifying Gorge.”

Thinking about the fallen bridge, I glanced at my shin. Despite being smashed by the heavy piece of architecture, I couldn't see any wounds. There was some dried blood, but not even a scratch remained on my skin. I figured the wound must be under the dried blood, shook it off.

“Whoever, or whatever, tries to chasing us will have to find a way past the Horrifying Gorge anyway,” I told her. “So we should have plenty of time to barricade ourselves. I always was pretty good at building forts out in the desert!”

She just shook her head, muttering something about all colts being alike, and started walking. I followed after looking back one last time, afraid I’d heard a faint howling, and called for her to wait up.

The first building of the ruins wasn’t all that large. There was a dais about thirty feet from the door, with five pedestals coming out of it. It seemed we had made our way into the place Twilight and the others had found the Elements of Harmony. Twilight looked a little sad, but kept pressing on through the room. We exited out of a side door, and I saw we were in a courtyard of sorts. There were larger halls and towers surrounding us, with black open spaces for windows.

I got that tickling sensation of being watched, and thought I saw movement in every window as soon as I turned my eyes away from any particular spot.

It wasn’t a good feeling.

“Where to, Twilight?” I asked, nervously clenching my hands. Twilight motioned to the largest hall, across from the tower Nightmare Moon had taken her.

“That’s the old ballroom. We should be able to find somewhere to hide among the rubble.” I didn’t know what she was talking about until I paid close attention to the building. There were huge windows every few feet that extended all the way to the top of the structure, and I thought this was the case all the way around it.

Then I realized that what I saw as windows were just the places where the walls had collapsed; there wasn’t supposed to be windows except every hundred feet or so. There must have been ten tons of stone we could hide under.

”PERFECT!”

We made our way over to the ballroom. Once we climbed over the remains of the wall I knew we had a fighting chance to evade the Diamond Dogs, and whatever else came after us. There was enough rubble for an army to hide under!

I pulled the lantern, iPod, and gun from my pockets to deposit them behind the largest pile, next to the back wall. The world was getting dark pretty quick, and I wanted to build some sort of hideout for Twilight and I before they came.

After a few seconds of scouting, I found a depression in the floor. I looked up and discovered an extremely heavy part of the roof had fallen in and rolled away. It was a good two feet below the rest of the floor, and seemed as good a place as any to make a cover.

I told Twilight to get into the hole, since she couldn’t use her magic to lift any of the rocks and didn’t have hands to do the same work. Besides, she seemed drained, and while she protested a little bit, within minutes she was asleep in the depression.

The sounds of the rubble being stacked atop one another echoed around the room eerily. While I put one down on a certain side, its noise seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

I continued my work eagerly, only becoming more energized as the igloo-like structure came into shape. It looked exactly like any other of the rubble piles, and wouldn’t draw any attention. I was just putting the last stone on top when I realized I had forgotten one little tidbit: a door.

As I stood there nervously, considering lifting the top rock off to squeeze down inside, I heard the baying of the Diamond Dogs from the Elements hall. It sounded like a few dozen at least!

There was no time to get inside the hiding spot without destroying the thing, and there was no way I was endangering Twilight for my sake.

Looking frantically around, I settled on the spot I had hid my stuff. It was behind an old pillar that had fallen, and was close enough to the corner that it looked like it was up against the wall anyway.

I scrambled up and over the massive fallen column, which had a good twelve foot diameter. Dropping down the other side and squatting, I awaited the arrival of the Diamond Dogs.

Their howling approached the outside of the ballroom, and then stopped. There was dead silence for a series of moments; I couldn’t hear a thing.

Curious, I decided to climb up the pillar and peek over to see what was going on. Just raising my head enough to allow me to see over to the side of the hall we came in on, I glanced through the open windows. Nothing.

Flicking my eyes toward the North side of the building, where no windows were broken, I could just make out shapes that looked like large, anthropomorphic dogs.

Well, that confirmed at least part of Twilight’s story.

The shapes moved around the building to the west side, where the last rays of the sun shone feebly. I was in the southeast corner, where there were no windows, and wasn’t worried they would see me. The windows that still stood were all stained with faded colors, not allowing a clear view inside.

There were a few gaps in the windows the shapes paused at during their perimeter check, but they didn’t come inside. They instead walked around the entire circumference of the building, finally ending up where I could see them at the gaping holes in the eastern wall. They stood milling around for a little bit, rumbling amongst themselves, when someone rode up.

Not somepony, but someone- a roughly human shape, sitting astride what seemed to be a Clydesdale.

I couldn’t tell, though; both the horse and its rider were cloaked in long black robes that shifted around them in a nonexistent wind. Each had a hood that hid its face, and the only thing I could see was a slight reddish glow coming from the horse’s hood.

“Jussst what do you idiotsss think you’re doing?!?” it hissed with the slightest Irish accent.

It didn’t talk: it hissed. That was a sign if I'd ever heard one, and the 'bad guy' alarms went off in my head. The Irish accent was also an oddity, but I dismissed it. There were Southern accented ponies, after all.

The weirdest thing, though, was that it sounded like there were two voices talking. Steam rose from both hoods at the same time, as if their breath was one and the same. If this guy wasn’t evil, you could color me pink, dress me up like a pig and call me Sue. Which would be extremely unpleasant for all involved.

The Diamond Dogs cowered, whimpering, except for one. He stood tall, and looked very similar to a mastiff. He strode up to the rider, staring straight into his hood.

I had no idea what he saw there, but by then I was itching to find out.

“These ruins reek of past!” he exclaimed, gesturing around the plaza. I have to say, his grammar immediately made me not like him. Call me a Grammar Nazi if you want, I wouldn't argue or be offended.

“Elders warn of places like this!” he continued. “Shadows shift in corner of eye, strange noises come from nowhere, and Diamond Dogs go missing without explanation! Ancient Ones here are restless, and Diamond Dogs not enter!”

The obvious leader of the bunch (despite his lack of grammar finesse), the mastiff stood with his arms folded across his chest. The other Diamond Dogs growled their agreement, no longer cowering but starting to stand tall just as he did.

If nothing else, I had to give the dog props: he had some balls standing up to a creepy, Nazgül looking freak.

The heads of both the horse and its rider tilted to the side, as if they were studying the Diamond Dog.

“Lassst chance,” it whispered menacingly in that weird double voice.

"What the hell is going on here?" I asked myself, perplexed. "Twilight obviously knows about this guy, but said I was the first human she’d ever heard of. So not human, but also Irish... what is he?"

The Diamond Dog shook his head, standing firm. Probably a bad move on his part, but I applauded his cojones. (That means 'balls', if you’re Spanish ignorant.)

The right arm of the rider rose slowly, and the Diamond Dog froze. He levitated into the air as the rider’s arm lifted, and then began trembling.

I saw the pale fingertips of the rider extend beyond the robes, and the Diamond Dog flew through on of the last unbroken pieces of wall left on the eastern side of the building. He continued flying right on through the western side, and judging from his screams, that side was where the Horrifying Gorge extended.

It was a good fifteen seconds before he faded beyond the range of hearing.

Turning to the other Diamond Dogs (who were cowering again, in case you’re wondering) he said, “Anyone elssse?”

No other Diamond Dogs was stupid enough to reply, and after pausing a few seconds he continued.

“Good. Now, get in there and sssearch the last ‘o thisss forsssaken place for the misssing Princessss, ssso we can return her to Canterlot!”

"Someone must not have told him he had a speech impediment as a kid," I thought to myself. "Otherwise, he wouldn’t be using so many words with “s” sounds."

I almost felt bad for him.

That is, until I remembered he was an evil, inhuman monster that was rounding up all of my favorite cartoon characters in order to do some dastardly deeds. I didn’t feel so bad for him anymore; I just wanted to point and laugh.

Viciously.

I know, I’m a real fighter.

Careening away, the horse and its rider galloped into darkness. The more I thought about it, the less he made sense. How did they get past the bridge-less chasm? What kind of magic was he using? Where did he get the Diamond Dogs? Do they have bridge-conjuring magic here too? I’d have to consult Twilight…

Thinking about Twilight reminded me that she was still passed out under the large pile of rubble in the middle of the room. As about twenty of the Diamond Dogs climbed into the ballroom, the rest dispersed throughout the ruins.

The ones in the ballroom didn’t seem all that frightening or even threatening; one even looked like a Chihuahua. As I looked at each in turn I realized they all had resemblances to dog breeds back on Earth: there were a few Labradors, Boxers, Cocker Spaniels, and Dobermans scattered around from what I could tell. Even one, smaller than most, who looked like a Bulldog.

The brunt of them weren’t that large, and I would still have a full head and shoulders on even the biggest among them. If it came down to a fight for Twilight, I was confident that I could take them.

As I glanced down to see if there were any good rocks close at hand, my foot slipped.

I scrambled to regain my grip, sliding down the pillar. I knocked a full chunk out of the side, which clattered down to the ground. The noise of me hitting the floor alongside it echoed around the ballroom loudly, and the sounds of dog nails clicking around the room came to a sudden stop.

I let out a silent prayer that the acoustics of the chamber remained true to what I had observed earlier.

“Where that come from?” I heard one of the Diamond Dogs whisper to another.

“Don't know,” they answered, “Seemed to come from everywhere.”

Another Diamond Dog called out “I got bad feeling about this!” to which another answered, “You always got bad feeling about something.”

It seemed some clichés are universal.

“Be quiet, you idiots!” a voice called. This one was more gruff, and probably came from one of the larger breeds. Strangely though, it also managed to be lighter in treble than the others. “I smell something!”

Panic set fire in my mind. I forced myself to climb up the pillar again as fast as I dared to see the majority of the Dogs smelling around the pile of rubble I had taken rocks from to construct Twilight’s hiding spot. They were sniffing around Twilight’s shelter itself as well.

My mind went into overdrive- they would find Twilight if I didn’t do something!

I took in everything I’d overheard or observed, scrambling for an idea. The acoustics, the Diamond Dogs, how they had reacted to entering the ballroom before that guy showed up. Then, I had a spot of what I could completely objectively call the most brilliant off-the-cuff thinking Equestria had ever seen.

A smile spread over my face as I thought of the chaos that would result. On top of saving Twilight and myself, it would make one hell of a story someday.

It was ridiculous.

It was stupid.

It was perfect.

Discord would be proud.

I dropped to the floor, on purpose this time, and glanced at my jeans. They were simply too dark, and despite a brief identity crises, I decided it needed to be done. So after a brief struggle with my tennis shoes, I had pulled them off. That left me in my white undershirt, white socks, and white boxer briefs.

Fruit of the Loom, naturally.

Taking a few deep breaths to get myself psyched, I moaned as loudly as possible. In any other context, those moans would have been misconstrued as being incredibly erotic, but I held high hopes that the Diamond Dogs weren’t in that particular mindset.

The Diamond Dogs once again stopped moving, but they didn’t speak. I heard my moans echo around the chamber eerily, and had to stop myself from giggling.

“WHY YOU DISTURB ANCIENT ONES?” I boomed, grabbing a few rocks to clack together.

The Diamond Dogs started whispering harshly to each other, probably thinking their ‘Ancient Ones’ wouldn’t overhear.

“Knew we shouldn’t disturb Ancient Ones!” one of them squeaked.

“All will perish!” another cried quietly in agreement.

“Shut up, you sniveling cowards!” that commanding voice shouted. “If they really were the Ancient Ones, they would not dare attack their only loyal followers in Equestria!”

At that, I jumped straight up to the top of the pillar, revealing myself to the Diamond Dogs. “I BEG TO DIFFER, DOG!”

As I stood there in my somewhat indecent glory, the moon’s first rays shone brightly through the open walls and bathed me in its opaque glow. In my white shirt, with my pale complexion, and the light shining off my boxer-briefs more than I could have imagined, even I would have thought I looked like a spirit!

The Diamond Dogs were grouped together, the fear evident in their bulging eyes and folded tails.As their focus was drawn to me, they each stiffened and gasped in horror. It brought a wicked smile to my face.

“FLEE NOW AND YE SHALL BE SPARED!!” I bellowed at them, raising my arms and doing everything I could to seem imposing. I thought the Diamond Dogs were going to have a heart attack, but they were frozen to their spot!

“THEN YOU HAVE CHOSEN DEATH!” I intoned ominously.

With that, I leapt off the pillar and started sprinting at them.Their outcries of terror mounted exponentially as I closed the gap, and I started laughing maniacally as they started slamming into each other in the frenzy to escape.

Most of the Diamond Dogs, after they had untangled themselves, ran screaming out of the ballroom on all fours.

However, there were about six who stayed long enough for me to start tearing into them. I lowered my shoulder into the closest one, and combined with my momentum it was enough to send the Labrador-looking Diamond Dog flying thirty feet.

Turning to the others, I looked down at them menacingly and laughed. Then, holding my arms out to either side to make myself seem even bigger, I leaned down into their collective faces. They were absolutely terrified, and I wanted to really freak them out.

“COME AT ME BROS!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Four of the remaining five turned tail and ran. The Lab I had knocked silly also ran, though with a noticeable dizziness which probably meant a concussion.

The last one, the Bulldog I had noted earlier, looked frightened. However, after seeing he was the last one, he stood tall and growled.

‘Tall’ is a compliment, though: he was shorter than most, standing only a little above my navel. But he was thicker than most as well. In fact, he closely resembled an American Bulldog I once had as a kid.

That dog was incredibly loyal, but exceptionally stupid- which seemed to be another trait they shared.

“Fine,” I growled back, swinging my closed fist down to knock him silly. Unfortunately, he was faster than he looked.

He stepped to the side and clawed at my arm as it swung down, causing me to yelp in pain. As I turned to him, clutching my now open forearm, he swept out my legs and jumped on top of me.

I had wrestled long enough in high school to have a better ground game than just about anyone I came across, and was quick to buck my hips and throw my left shoulder towards him. He went flying off in the opposite direction.

Flipping over, I leapt after him, grabbing a leg as soon as he landed face-down on the ground. Pulling the leg with me, I drove a knee down between his shoulder blades, causing him to howl aloud in pain. This was where weighing 265 pounds was a major advantage!

“Concede,” I rumbled into his ear, leaning down.

That was my mistake: I was too ‘high’ on his body, too far from his center of gravity.

Suddenly pushing against the ground with both his left limbs (Arm and leg? Both legs?) the Bulldog rolled me onto my back once again, this time pinning both my arms to the ground with his legs and sitting back onto my center of gravity. He was good!

“Never.”

That was when something dawned on me. A voice that high-pitched, no matter what universe you’re in, could mean only one thing: this Diamond Dog wasn’t a he. It was a she.

Awkward!

She raised her paw, and her nails flashed in the moonlight as she went to rip out my throat. A wild thought flashed through my head, and I wondered whether female Diamond Dogs went to get manicures.

Probably not.

As her paw descended, I scolded myself for having such a terribly unmanly last thought. ”Oh well," I mused. “At least no one will ever know.”

Just then, guess who decides to join the fight and save my philosophical ass?

“Paul!”

Twilight slammed into the Diamond Dog, throwing them both into a pile on the ground next to me. They started rolling around, but it became clear pretty quickly who held the upper hand.

I immediately jumped to my feet and, seeing the Diamond Dog slam Twilight onto her side, pulled out an old fan favorite: the Elbow Drop.

Tapping my right elbow, I jumped as high as I could and led my fall with that elbow.

As I collided sharply with the side of the Diamond Dog, I heard some cracking that could only have come from ribs breaking.

I guessed the Diamond Dogs hadn’t adapted against human elbows flying at them.

Screaming, she whipped around from Twilight and myself, making an attempt at getting her feet. Crying out again and clutching her side, she fell to the ground, shaking violently and coughing.

“I never meant to hurt anyone that bad, just to scare her off!” I thought to myself, growing concerned.

So I stood up and gave Twilight a quick glance over- she was breathing heavily, but not a scratch on her. I paced over to the Diamond Dog, and saw that she was coughing up a disturbing amount of blood.

That meant a punctured lung with internal bleeding, which could lead to a collapsed lung and eventually death. That is, if treatment wasn’t rendered ASAP.

Shit.

Thankfully, she didn’t seem to have much muscle or fat covering her bones. In fact, she seemed to just be skin and bones, despite being so thick. Obviously these Diamond Dogs weren’t being treated so well by their master.

I felt around for her ribs, hoping she had at least a close approximation of human physiology. She understandably didn’t like that, and tried to knock my hands away feebly while whimpering in pain.

“Twilight!” I called out to my friend, who stood staring at us a few feet away with concern. “Hold her down, and remember to do it without magic!”

Twilight trotted over, putting her two front hooves on the Diamond Dog’s upper arms to stop them from flailing around.

“What’s wrong with her?” she asked.

“At least one broken rib and a punctured lung. Probably internal bleeding as well,” I replied calmly, still looking for the deformities that would indicate an out of place bone. Thankfully, I had practiced enough on cadavers and with my friends who worked as EMTs to understand exactly what to do: I had to set the bone in its proper place, somehow check if her lung was collapsing, and inflate it if it was.

Finding the deformities with my fingers, I realized the bone setting would be fairly easy: It had only turned in a few inches, and hadn’t completely broken from the midpoint of the rib. Grabbing the offending piece of bone, I yanked it toward me and pivoted it back to where it should be.

Screaming and thrashing around, the Diamond Dog tried to get away, but Twilight was doing a good job of keeping her from moving. She didn’t pass out, impressively.

“Now to deal with the lung itself…”

Snapping my fingers, I got the Diamond Dog’s attention.

“What’s your name?” I demanded in my most authoritative tone.

Through squinted eyes and clenched teeth, she whispered “Deluge. Fantastic to meet you, horribly evil Ancient One spirit.” Obviously she was being sarcastic, but I was surprised by how well she spoke.

“I suppose not all Diamond Dogs are so stupid,” I mused before asking her some questions.

“Does it hurt to breathe?” She just nodded. That didn’t tell me much though; she had just broken a rib after all. “Does it hurt to breath in or out?” I asked, a little more forcefully.

“In!” she gasped, obviously in a lot of pain.

“Does it feel like your air is being pushed out by something else when you breathe out?” She nodded again. That, along with the blood, meant her lung was collapsing. I bent down to listen to her breathing as she struggled for air, and there was a definite force to her exhales that wasn’t there when she breathed in.

I didn’t think the air was escaping into her body cavity, and there didn’t seem to be a worrying amount of blood she was coughing up, but that lung needed inflation immediately.

I looked down at her, and snapped my fingers to get her attention. “Deluge!” She opened one eye to look at me. “I’m going to do something you really aren’t going to like now. Whatever you do, don’t fight it. You will die if you do. Understand?” She nodded again, and I sucked in air a few times to prepare myself.

In the absence of any needles or chest tubes, there was really only one thing I could do.

And it was going to be awkward, considering I had no pants on.

I tilted her head back to make sure her airways were clear. Taking a deep breath and holding it, I slammed my lips down on hers. Using my hands to form a seal, I blew as hard as I could into her mouth.

Talk about puppy breath!

She struggled at first, then calmed a bit as she got relief from the pain in her chest. I could feel her chest expanding beneath me, and blew as much of my air into her as I could.

Taking my head away and clamping my hand down on her nose and mouth, I shouted “Don’t let out that breath!” Keeping my hand there for ‘encouragement’, I made her hold the breath a good thirty seconds.

When I was going to take my hand away, I said, “Listen to me, Deluge. I need you to breathe out slowly, and only about half of what you have in your lungs. When you breathe back in, continue until you can’t breathe in any more, and then hold it again like you just did. Continue to breathe that way all night; it’s the only way you can possibly avoid a collapsed lung. Understand?”

She nodded again, and slowly let out half her breath when I took my hand away. Breathing in again and wincing a little from the broken rib, she let the air back out after holding it for the right amount of time.

“Good job,” I told her. “Now stay there. You don’t want to drive your rib back into your lung.”

Looking at Twilight, I said, “You can get up now. If Deluge here knows what’s good for her health, she’ll stay put. If not, she’ll die. It’s in her hands- er, paws, now.”

Twilight nodded, and I stood up to retrieve my jeans. Neither of the females had picked up on my reddening cheeks as I picked the decency-providing pants and shoes up. Twilight trotted after me, and spoke as I was trying to hop into them..

“What you just did was... nothing short of incredible. Are you sure humans don’t have magic?” she asked.

I laughed as I leaned against the wall for support. “Pretty sure, Twilight. I think we would have noticed if that were that were the case a long time ago. I just payed attention to my teachers when they taught me things I found interesting. I wanted to become a doctor anyway, so I really payed attention when I was in a class discussing physiology or trauma.”

Thinking for a second while stomping my foot into a shoe, I turned to her. “By the way, thanks for the save back there. You actually may have just saved my life.”

She blushed a little, and rubbed one foreleg with the other. “Oh, it’s nothing really. You needed help, so I just kind of... acted. What about you though?” she gushed. “You were crazy, tearing into them like that- but they all ran screaming!”

I laughed again. “Not really a sane battle plan, but it worked. Thank you, Twilight. You have no idea how close I was to being a goner.”

She seemed to accept that, but still had more questions. “Is it natural for humans to be so strong? And how did you learn how to fight like that? And why did you heal that Diamond Dog?”

“...Where are you going?”

I counted off the fingers on my right hand as I walked away from her, toward the hole in the wall that had come to be a door.

“One- no. I have no idea where all this strength, speed and stamina are coming from, but they’re nothing natural. Two- I took part in a sport where you wrestle against another person, with no punches, kicking, biting, or anything like that allowed. Most people don’t know the moves I was taught, and I’m not even that good compared to most wrestlers. Three- I never want anyone to die because of me. Especially not someone being used against their will for their loved ones.”

Twilight was observant, but apparently not all that observant. “What do you mean?” she asked me. I sighed, and changed my direction, walking over to Deluge.

“Elementary, my dear Watson!” I said in a haughty Sherlock Holmes impression. I’d always wanted to say that in-context!

I looked down at Deluge, and she opened her eyes to look back, cocking an eyebrow. Seemed she was surprised for me to figure such a thing out so quickly as well.

“Based off the cowering and the killing of your leader before your group walked in here, I’m guessing the Diamond Dogs are terrified of that… thing. Right?” She nodded, and I continued. “Based on your malnutrition, I would say that the Diamond Dogs are being kept in some sort of compound by whatever that thing is, and their companions if they have any.”

Deluge nodded, saying, ‘Right again!” before wincing.

“No need to talk, just keep breathing like I told you,” I whispered. Raising my gaze to Twilight again, I asked her, “Why would a group of sapient beings stay in a compound, while remaining almost entirely free to hunt down everypony in Equestria, or simply dig their way out of said compound?”

Twilight’s eyebrows came together as she considered the situation. “They would have to have an incredible incentive to stay with their masters…” Then realization dawned on her face. “Like held family members!”

I nodded once, and looked at Deluge. She nodded as well, and rasped, “They have my son. My little puppy…” A tear rolled down her cheek, pain unrelated to a broken bone obvious in her eyes. I patted her on the shoulder before standing and turning to Twilight.

“That’s why I helped her.”

I started walking out once more, but Twilight didn’t let the conversation slide. “You never told me where you’re going, though!”

I stopped, and smirked as I turned back to her. “Isn’t it obvious?” I asked. She shook her head, and my smirk grew into a full-fledged smile.

“I’m going to go find that thing, and make it talk.”

With that, I turned and jumped over the collapsed wall with ease.

I started whistling a merry tune- the Foo Fighters’ “Walk”. I found it hilariously appropriate.

There was a stunned silence before Twilight came galloping after me. “But… you can’t! It’ll destroy you!”

I laughed, and made mention of another observation I had been thinking on. “Remember when you tried to save me as I fell? And your magic didn’t affect me directly?”

She nodded, and I smiled as I kept walking. “I don’t think I can be directly affected by magic whatsoever here!” I stopped briefly to show her my leg. "My shin was smacked against that bridge as it flew past too, and healed on its own. That, along with all that extra stamina and strength, tells me I've got something up my sleeve to fight him with." I let my pants leg fall back into place and kept walking.

Twilight ran ahead, turned around, and her horn blazed brilliantly as she attempted to stop me. A bright purple glow surrounded me, and my skin seemed to almost absorb it. Twilight gasped dramatically, and I walked right past her like nothing had happened.

“But… but… that’s not possible!”

I was at the hall of the Elements, and turned around to give her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry; this won’t take long.” I walked into the hall, leaving a dumbfounded Twilight standing in the center of the castle grounds.

As I made my way outside, I saw the rider sitting there waiting for me. He was alone, in the center of the area between the former bridge and the castle. He didn't react, didn't even twitch as I mosied toward him.

I smiled as wide as I could, and let whatever was in my head free.

“What’s going on, Witch-King? Seen any hobbits lately?” Then I switched to my Gollum voice. “Hobbitses! Hobbitses! Dirty, theivin’ Hobbitses! We wants it, we needs it- we needs the precious!”

I laughed, stopping thirty feet from the thing and crossing my arms. “How ya doin’ this fine Equestrian night? And ain’t it a looooovely evenin’?”

Both the horse’s head and the rider’s head tilted, studying me.

“A human being,” it murmured. “How very interesssting. Ssseemsss the barriersss are falling fassster than we exssspected. No matter.” The rider and horse drew themselves up to full height, which I was impressed with. The horse’s head was actually a little taller than mine, but the rider towered above.

“You know not what you do, human,” it spat. “Your feeble attemptsss at insssultsss are no more than amusssing to me.”

I sighed, stretching as I spoke. “Actually, I know exactly ‘what I do’, you little Irish bitch.” It froze, seemingly shocked at my curse and the fact that I had guessed its origins correctly. There were no ponies around; therefore, The List was satisfied with my cursing!

“Yeah, that accent is pretty unmistakable, even a universe away. Listen, you potato-starved bastard...” I was angry. “You’ve come to a place nothing from our world deserves to be in- not me, and definitely not you. The land of Equestria isn’t any place for a corrupting influence, especially not a pathetic excuse for a Nuckelavee such as yourself.” Now I had it; the thing remained stock still, listening to what I had to say.

Good.

“And how did you dissscern our true nature?” it asked.

Uncrossing my arms, I began to advance on it slowly. Spying a large branch on the way, I broke it off easily as I spoke. “It was pretty easy really, figuring out what you were; that is, if you’ve studied mythology like I have.”

Another hobby of mine, coming to the rescue in Equstria!

Backing a little, the rider waved a hand, and the cloak dispersed. There, in all its bloody glory, was a Nuckelavee- a large horse with a human’s upper body growing out of its back. It had only a single eye between them, which was the large source of the red glowing from within the horse’s hood. Skinless, you could see the yellow veins pumping its evil blood to each individual muscle. The lack of lips was the reason for all the hissing. I was surprised it could form coherent sentences, really.

It was absolutely disgusting, an atrocity that had plagued travelers in Ireland for centuries.

And now it was troubling the farthest human traveler in history. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

“And what gave me away?” the two mouths asked in tandem. Creeeeepy.

“Well, the whole two heads talking from hoods was a pretty obvious clue. The fact that you had an Irish accent and no legs for that ugly mole on your back was just icing on the cake,” I mentioned offhandedly. “So, what do you call yourself, Boner? Or can I just call you 'Boner', and keep things simple?”

The two heads growled from somewhere deep inside. A little unsettling, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

“I am called Gomorrah, human filth, and while you know of usss Nuckelavee- a little unessxpected for an American, to be sure- you obviousssly know not what powersss thisss wonderful dimension hasss bessstowed upon usss.” With that, Gomorrah raised one bony human hand and tried to send me flying away like the Diamond Dog earlier. I felt a rush of energy, but other than that was unaffected.

I stopped, gasping my throat. “No, Lord Vader! Not the Force Choke!”

I fell to my knees and dramatically twisted, gasping, my gurgles turning to giggling and then outright laughter. Standing up and grinning, I looked back at it. The hand was still raised, as if patiently waiting for something to happen.

“Listen, Mr. Ugly Sonuvabitch Gomorrah, I don’t know who you’re trying to nail here,” I said, looking around confused. “I mean, it’s rude not to tell me when we have a guest to our little one on one! I’m hurt!” I then stuck out my lower lip and crossed my arms, pretending to pout.

It growled again, asking angrily, “Why are you unaffected?!?”

Shrugging, I said, “Your guess is as good as mine. Seems this ‘wonderful dimension’ has bestowed powers on me as well- but thanks for the pick me up!” Now, I was just a couple of feet from the Nuckelavee.

It smelled. Bad.

“Dude, you need a tick tack or something, ‘cause your breath STINKS!” I channeled my inner Donkey as my nose crinkled and I waved my hand in the air.

Very rudely, the horse snorted more breath into my face. Gag me!

“Fine, you are not powerlesss yourssself. But I have chasssed hundredsss of humansss to their deaths- even a few Americansss. I am not lacking in physssical violencsse. You will be no more than an interesting story when I return to Canterlot with the Prinsssesss.”

“Yeah, hold onto that idea,” I told it.

Finally close enough, I knocked the stick against my shoes a few times before taking up a batter’s stance. The horse and rider cocked their heads to the side, not sure what I was up to.

“BATTER UUUUUUP!” I screamed, and then swung forward to knock the thing’s horse head silly. It staggered with the force and unexpectedness of the blow. When the eye opened again, it was spinning in circles!

That was awesome!

“Cool party trick with the spinning, glowing eye Boner,” I said, dropping the thick branch. “Now, let me show you one of mine.”

With that, I reared back and punched the horse head as hard as I could. Don’t ask me why; I was pretty much running on autopilot at that point, doing whatever felt right. The inner, angry me was out in full force, and he wasn't going away anytime soon!

A grueling right hook, I punched so hard and fast that I apparently broke physics Rainbow Dash style- I saw a rainbow left in the air where my fist flew, and heard a tiny crack of thunder as it dispersed!

“This was gonna hurt!” I had time to think briefly.

When I connected, I swear it was an honest-to-God Rocky take. Spit came out of the other side of the mouth (no skin means holes for cheeks!) and I even saw teeth flying every which way. Grabbing the head, I reared back again and slammed our foreheads together, head-butting it.

Gomorrah was going to have one hell of a headache!

Whinnying in pain, the Nuckelavee reared back, trying to crush me under its forehooves.

Darting under the monster, I grabbed its midsection and lifted it into the air. Neighing in shock, the human torso tried to grab at me. I was too far under the horse section though, and my Equestria enhanced strength wasn’t failing anytime soon.

I started walking toward the cliff that lay only a few dozen feet in front of me. “Now,” I said, “Time to start talking, or time to start being thrown off cliffs by the aforementioned ‘puny human’.”

As I reached the cliff’s edge, the Nuckelavee stopped struggling and started shrieking, terror evident in its freaky double voice. “Okay okay, whatever you want! Just asssk and I will tell!”

“How many of you are there?” I asked.

“Nine! Nine including myssself!” I could tell the monster wasn’t used to being the one on the receiving end of manhandling by how bad his voice was cracking as he hissed. Sucked for him.

“What are your plans?” I asked “And for God’s sake, quit that cleft palate hissing! You’re a monster, not a speech impediment!”

“I don’t know! Lazaruss never told any of the others! We were jusst to collect the magical ponies, using Diamond Dogs! He wouldn’t tell us what he planned after that!”

Well, at least he was working on the hissing thing. “Alright, one last question, ugly. Where is your base of operations?”

He paused, seemingly reluctant to share that bit of information. A quick shake reminded Gomorrah exactly who was holding who over a cliff.

“We are all in Ponyville, keeping the magical beingss! All but mysself, and a few otherss who are attacking Cloudssdale! Lazaruss himsself iss holed up in Canterlot, planning!”

“Thank you,” I said politely, then thought about what to do. If these freaks were anything like the other mythological beings I had read about, then they had to hold to an oath, under pain of… something. Death? Pain? Who knew? But they had to keep it, and that was all that mattered. As I considered, I looked around, and finally realized what the fog was telling me.

A plan forming, I addressed Gomorrah once more. “Now, I’ll make you a deal: I’ll let you go if you swear you’ll never return to this place, and will no longer harrow myself or anyone I travel with. In fact, just go back to Earth if at all possible, and never return to Equestria. Understand?”

Both heads nodded hastily. “Yess! Yess! We sswear! Nuckelavee alwayss hold to their oathss, even to filthy humanss!”

“Good,” I nodded, finally satisfied with the situation. Gomorrah wouldn’t bother us anymore, and I didn’t have to kill him!

“Now, I’m going to let you down,” I continued. “When I do, you've sworn to leave. Just make sure to hold your breath; I’ve heard you Nuckelavee don’t like running water.”

“Thank you, kind human! I am eternally grateful, and will hold true to my- wait, WHAT?!?”

The last I heard from Gomorrah was his screams as he plummeted to the water running at the bottom of the cliffs. I knew there must be water, due to the fog in the air and the noises I’d heard as I myself fell; the only question was, how far? Judging by the time Gomorrah’s screams were cut off, I’d say at least a couple hundred feet.

I was entirely happy with myself. No pain received, information learned, and one of apparently nine Nuckelavee down.

“Not bad for my first full day in Equestria!”

Laughing and turning back, I saw Twilight standing there, her mouth hanging wide open. Deluge wasn’t far behind, with a similar expression on her face. At least, I think it was a similar expression. It'd been awhile since I studied doggy expressions, so she might just be thirsty.

“I know; I have that effect on females,” I said, smiling. “But try to hold yourselves together long enough to help me plan.”

Shaking her head, Twilight said disbelievingly “But… you just… I... what?!”

Behind her, Deluge started laughing. A weird, painfully wheezing laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. “And what, oh great conqueror, is this plan?” she rasped.

“Simple,” I told her. “I’m going to become a pony, you’re going to arrest me, and we’re going to start the biggest jailbreak in Equestrian history.”

Author's Note:

So, the threat - the ancient Nuckelavee (real mythological creatures, by the way!)- are now known. Plus, we've got a new crew member! Yay, Deluge the Diamond Dog!

Anyway, sorry this took so long. Had to remove quite a bit, and the next chapter requires almost an entire rewrite. sigh...

Shoutout to my new bud, ImJustAnotherBrony! He's a super chill dude, and you should all go check out some of his awesome artwork and other schtuffs.

Comments

[Maeroon]

“Simple,” I told her. “I’m going to become a pony, you’re going to arrest me, and we’re going to start the biggest jailbreak in Equestrian history.”

become a pony,

Ehhh.... Is that gonna be permanent?

[Doc Crowl]

2888521 Sorry, laptop died in the middle of my response.

Not permanent whatsoever!!! Let's just clear that out right now! It'll be in the story for two chapters, and then it's gone forever. Seeing as how this story's seemingly turning out to be over twenty chapters, only about 5% total of the thing will be ponified. Well, except one brief moment at the end of the story for the feels, but that'll be our little secret m'kay?

I understand it's cliche. I understand people despise it. I don't hold anyone's opinion against them. If you don't want to read it, then that's fantastic- and thanks so much for reading thus far!

[Narlepoax III]

That was how they found Luna and Celestia so quickly; they’re the most powerful magical ponies I know of,

I've got a problem with this assumption. Let me show you why:

Princess Celestia: Princess of the Sun.
Princess Luna: Princess of the Moon.
Princess Twilight Sparkle: Princess of Magic.

Now, which one of these characters is the most magically powerful? If you said anyone other than Twilight, you are retarded.

[Doc Crowl]

2889027 FTFY, m'lord.
Although, to be fair, the now edited version matches up better to the actual event itself anyhoo. So thanks!

By the way, you seem eerily familiar... yet I have absolutely no idea where I've seen you before.

[Narlepoax III]

2889065
I believe that you got confused as to why I favorited this story after you took all the chapters down.

[Doc Crowl]

2889087 Ah, that must have been it. Also, I think I've seen you around threads.

[Icudeadnow]

I... still... love... this. The lines Paul says are hilarious and the story is amazing. Keep up the good work! Although, I'm sure I don;t need to tell you that because you'll exceed my expectations yet again.

[Doc Crowl]

2900890 Thanks for the kind words!

Although I can't help but wonder what you deleted?

[Icudeadnow]

2902267 I can't remember...

[Doc Crowl]

2902274 Huh. Well, just remember you're one of the lucky ones; you never had to see what it was originally!