"When will thou arrive?" Luna shouted in impatience. They already created a portal to another world, a difficult task to do.
"Do not dread, my dear sister."
"But what about though prophecy? We are growing impatient!"
"Sister, the prophecy is a mysterious entity. What it tells us is always correct. He will come when he is needed."
"That might be for another thousand years! That alicorn must-"
"He is a pegasus now."
"..."
The video was done. Fans will love me! They'll be like, 'Your the best review in the history of YouTube!'. Well, that won't happen. They'll probably say, 'Your a fag.' or something. And I'll probably get like 10 views in a month. But, hey, it's not like the other video that got me hate mail filled in the mailbox on youtube. I got up and walked to my room. Messy as usual, with legos everywhere. I jumped in my bed and fell asleep. Tomorrow, I thought, I would finally have a real adventure with the Doctor. My eyes slowly closed. I drifted off to sleep.
I heard a boom outside. A image stuck in my head. Some color coated ponies from MLP: FIM, a show I like. I didn't know why. The alarms ran off.
"Connor!" My mom screamed. "What the f*** did you do!?!"
"I didn't do anything!" I said to mom. I ran downstairs to see my mom and my annoying brother stare at a blue portal.
"Equestria." I said, looking at the town, with the ponies, unicorns, and pegasi roaming around.
"Oh boy, it's you pony sh**!" my brother said.
"Oh, crap. The portal is sucking me in!" The portal dragged me out of my living room into the portal. I looked behind me and the portal is now closed. I felt something hug me. I looked down to see a brown skinned filly with pink hair.
"Yah came. I knew yah would come." Babs said.
"I know, Babs Seed. I know." I said, hugging her back.
Well, I guess I'll write a small review.
Remove the "said's" and "asked's". They are unnecessary because we know who's talking to who.
Another thing. The end of a quotation will end with a comma, not a period if: the following words are "he/she said" or are anything of the like.
Exhibit one. Luna's speech. Luna does not speak modern english; she still speaks Shakespearean dialect.
Exhibit two. "Your", and "you're". Your is possessive, while you're is a contraption of "you are". It is important to know what word is used in the situation.
Exhibit three. Numbers. In prose, the numbers are always written.
Exhibit four. Unnecessary detail. "focusing on the honest one". This is unnecessary because: AppleJack isn't important in this scene; there is no reason to include her.
Exhibit six. Keeping in character. Would Luna call someone an "arrogant douchebag?" There is no reason for her to say such words when she would never say this.
Exhibit seven. Names and capitalization. Names should always begin capitalized. All important titles, and names are required to have this.
Exhibit eight. Shouting. When shouting, capitalization of the entire word looks ugly. There is no reason to do this; instead, use italics. They are used for emphasis and look much better.
Exhibit nine. Self censory. You should never censor yourself. The text will look mangled.
Exhibit ten. Knowledge. How does he know a blue portal in his house leads to Equestria?
Exhibit eleven. Practicality. No person would go to their room to get clothes if they saw a portal. Another example of practicality is:
A mother would not let a child go into the unknown so willingly. You used the tag "Slice of Life". I don't think you realize what it means. Slice of life is everyday situations. Do you find a portal leading to another dimension in your everyday life?
Exhibit twelve. Gender. You called her a "him". Babs Seed is obviously a female. There is no reason to call her a "him".
Exhibit thirteen. Indentation. In a paragraph, you need to indent the beginning so people will know when it begins. A paragraph consists of everything about a general idea.
All in all, you need to work on grammatical structure and punctuation. I wish you the best of luck should you continue to write in the future.
.....Really?
........ HIM?!
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HER. Hugging HER back. GAWD, I really need a lot of help here.
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Thanks for the tips! But there was one thing I didn't get. Luna's dialogue. I cut out dbag in it, but how would she speak?
Welp, this is so random...
WHAT?!?!?!?! Oh christ I have to keep reading this is going to make my life.
sorry, not trying to be rude, but this is pretty bad. the whole thing is pretty boring itself and thats what comes after all the mistakes. also the name "Connor" brings back bad memories that i still remember almost every day at school. dont need to be reminded of them at home. not insulting the name itself, as i read that its your actual name (not sure you should give out that piece of info). it just reminds me of bad experiences that still get to me. even though the story is pretty bad, i wanna say good job. its probably better than the fanfic im working on
based on this description this was bad on purpose.
"I couldn't make this shit up if I tried!"-JonTron
You might possibly be the greatest writer alive. NOBODY ELSE COULD WRITE THIS CRAZY SHIT ON PURPOSE.