It was hard for me to read the clop scene, because I was crying so much. (I still enjoyed it though!) Damn. You sure know how to pull on my heartstrings. Whatever's left of them from the effects of your other stories, at least.
2281811 I shed my share of manly tears while both writing and editing this story, so I know how you feel. Tugging on heartstrings seems to be something I'm getting better at, but it's not only tears of sorrow that are felt, but also tears of joy.
Thanks for the 100th like! Appreciate it my friend!
Feels: WARNING: D'aaaa levels exceding 9000. What do we do captain? Me: ON WITH CHAPTER TWO! We shall utilize these feelings of D'aaaa while they are presant. Also, add a like and favorite. Feels: Aye aye captain!
"sorry Twilight, I hope you don’t mind, but I just wanted to see how your hair feels, now that I’m done. By the way it’s so soft,” you remark with delight.
If the circumstances were changed a little that might come off as a little bit creepy.
I've enjoyed the plot line so far, but I think I'll try to provide some feedback as to what I think could be improved in this story rather than comment on what I think was done well. The dialogue in this story is actually really distracting. It's as if you wrote it and then systematically went through and tried to replace every instance of "say" or "said" with some other word that means the same thing. There was "say" "remark" "whisper" "note" "breath" "mutter" "offer" "ask" "reply" "muse" "moan" "rant" "inquire" ect. More than any other instance, though, your continual use of "utter" really put me off. How many times in natural speech have you heard someone use the word "utter"? While certainly a valid word, it's really quite awkward to use it much. The reader shouldn't really notice when you indicate speech. The way you have written it here, I was almost more interested to see how the next line of dialogue would be indicated than I was what was actually being said.
There is one other thing I think is worth mentioning, but I don't really think is something that is wrong per se, and that is the way you characterize the interaction between your characters. I think you try too hard to show how deeply your characters feel for one another. Every interaction is so perfect, so absolutely chocked full of affection or longing or wonder that I think you've really over done it. The reader gets it, Twilight and our unnamed narrator really do love each other, incredibly so, but, at least for me, there is no need to remind me of this fact with every line of spoken dialogue between the two. Your style, and it was just as obvious in your Redheart series, is exceptionally affectionate, but I feel you're really going a bit too far. As the reader, I've been told how truly incredibly much the characters feel for each other, but I've been told so much so that I find it hard to believe it by the end. As with the way you have dealt with the speech of your characters, by the end it's just a bit too much I think. You've laid it on a bit too think. It's become a bit distraction from the actual interactions.
All that said, I do think the story is enjoyable so far, but it certainly has flaws, at least to me.
“Mmm,” Twilight moans faintly, feeling the knots in her muscles start to ease. “That feels really nice,” she mutters.
Clearly ponies have an inconceivably higher pain threshold than any humans', because whenever I get my neck massaged, it is met with sharp intakes of breath and many curses spoken. Same goes for the rest of my family. :P
2285217 There's no simple answer to that question. In a nutshell - I spent years practicing my writing, spent plenty of time reading, always find inspiration from all around, and the big part, I write from the heart. That and these ponies really bring out the extra tender side of me - so I really enjoy writing these romances.
Beautiful first chapter, I must admit, I was very impressed. And although I hate to be a grammar nazi, I must point out that in the third paragraph, you have "Ponyville Stationary Shop", when it should be "Ponyville Stationery Shop", as they are working with printing paper and such things. Again, sorry to point out mistakes, but don't feel bad as very few people know the difference.
Oh goodness, this is amusing. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but he's not asking a question. He's pointing out a spelling error in the fic :P.
And to be the bearer of further bad news: I'm one of those who gave this fic a downvote.
Why?
Several reasons: 1: Your prose is overly descriptive. It's understandable, expected and (I'd say) necessary when it comes to the intimate scenes, but other than that the descriptions need to be cut down. A lot can be inferred from the surrounding text, especially when it comes to dialogue. 1.2: Also: Try not to have "You" mention Twilights name so often when they talk to each other. That never happens in actual conversations, at least not when one on one. (In groups, however, it's fine.)
2: The "you" character is so horribly Gary Stue it's not even funny. Yeah, the Mane 6 all come to him and ask him to go bring Twi out of her funk? That bit really made me facepalm. If it had been written purely for clop, with practically no justification, then I wouldn't mind, but you try to make it all seem justified, and it falls somewhere in between and as such fall flat.
3: The dialogue overall is corny and cliché as heck. Seriously, it's like you've taken the corniest lines in history and are using them without a hint of irony. It's almost painful to read. (Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit that I've read enough romance stories to notice that. )
4: This one is more on a personal level of me just not liking the personality of "You". Ish, he rubbed me the wrong way. But that's not a real criticism since it's pure personal preference :P.
Anyway, that's it. I try to comment when I downvote, it's just common curtsey. Have fun writing though! :)
This is probably the cutest clopfic ever. I was d'awwing the whole time I read it. ^-^ The feels were present, the sex was hot, and this is just the first chapter! Godspeed on your writings jaydex! you now have a new fan!
This is one of like about maybe 3 fic that depict as straight most others depict her as lesbian don't believe me ha just take a look at about 10 random fics with twillight and sex 9 out of 10 would be shipping
Might need an editor for some of the minor hiccups that the comments have been pointing out though I think you have most of them now, just ask and you shall receive. Many bronies, skilled or not, wouldn't mind giving you a hand (or hoof) there.
I'm glad you've built up a little bit of a universe already and have gotten some clop in for those guys who just stop by to fap (I'll admit, occasionally, I'm one of them.) but it could use a bit more interaction between the main characters and the rest of the world. This tends to lead to some natural world development and the more you have them interact with the outside world, the better the picture we can get of it. So far, you've got a great start and it seems like this story has some good potential to be a bit more than "just another clopfic". I've yet to read the second chapter so maybe you have taken measures to fix some of these but to this point, those are my only words of advice.
I personally am decent at smoothing out ideas, spotting some logic gaps, and doing some decent fix ups as far as spelling (including getting rid of those annoying spell checker errors) so while I'm not about to force myself where you might not think it needed, I do want to let you know the offer stands.
This was a very cute read, as usual with your writings. Ya simply can't find this level of love anywhere else on this site except for right here. Another sweet, diabetes-inducing story, pal. Can't wait to read chapter two.
I felt awful for Twilight having to sit there with her feelings for "me" after every break up, especially after reading about what happened to Daisy. I request an alternate chapter where we take Daisy back!
Also, one last thing: Either I'm crazy, or there's a nod towards More than their Customer during the massage portion. Very clever if so. I wonder if all of your stories take place within the same world? You did mention that we were one of the few humans in Equestria...
After reading your Luna and Celestia stories, where the two pairs are more... well... I don't know how to describe it. Twilight and me are naughty in this fic, actually talking about poses and what would we do to each other. In the other two, though... it's like me and Celestia knows each others thoughts and we do 'things' as they come. I really don't know how to describe it. I can't say Twilight and I are more naughty than tender and I can't day that Celestia/Luna and I are too modest to say out 'thing'.
And that is exactly why I liked that change. Some naughtiness really fits Twilight and this is actually shows how much a 'researcher' she is. I really enjoyed it, thank you!
WELL IF THIS AIN'T TRUE LOVE THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
Seriously, that was beautiful. It almost became sickeningly cute. Some of the dialogue was pretty hammy and cheesy, but it was still ADORABLE. This is the thickest romance I've read in a while, and it's a nice change of pace. Well written and tastefully done. Have an upvote and fav.
So I gutsied up enough to read a romance... more like I forced myself into it, anyway I like it. Romance stories, especially yours, are a nice getaway from the violence and brutality that I usually read and write. Even though the more violent aspect of imagination entices me, romanticness is always a nice touch because it seems to set one's soul at ease. So thumbs up to you my man. I'll read the other chapter tomorrow after I get home from work
Mikey likey.
THE FEELINGS!!!!! THEY ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!
I hate to be a nitpicker, but I doubt that ponies would use parchment, considering what it's made out of...
so freaking amazing
The manly tears.....they burn.
2280691
Awesome!
2281092
Glad to hear it!
2281451
They sneak up on you, when you least expect it?
2280769
They get ya right here - , don't they?
Love this story so far.
ALERT: SPELLING ERROR
Sorry Jaydex apparently the Equestrian Grammar Police wants me to notify you of this error:
"form" should be "from"
MISSION COMPLETE.
2281604
No need to apologize. I knew an error was bound to pop up. Thanks for letting me know! It's been fixed!
It was hard for me to read the clop scene, because I was crying so much. (I still enjoyed it though!)
Damn. You sure know how to pull on my heartstrings. Whatever's left of them from the effects of your other stories, at least.
Oh, and the 100th like is courtesy of me.
2281451
No shame in admitting that! I'm getting teary just remembering the moment!
2281811
I shed my share of manly tears while both writing and editing this story, so I know how you feel. Tugging on heartstrings seems to be something I'm getting better at, but it's not only tears of sorrow that are felt, but also tears of joy.
Thanks for the 100th like! Appreciate it my friend!
Cute, now time for late night bacon before the next chapter
Feels: WARNING: D'aaaa levels exceding 9000. What do we do captain?
Me: ON WITH CHAPTER TWO! We shall utilize these feelings of D'aaaa while they are presant. Also, add a like and favorite.
Feels: Aye aye captain!
"It’s not like Twilight has a thing for you. Even if she did, surly she would have said so long ago, right?"
Apparently the narrator does not know Twilight all that well. Will say, a pretty enjoyable read. Onward!
2282186
Love the comment! I hope you like the next chapter!
2282090
Late night bacon is best bacon! Enjoy the second chapter!
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120228224012/mlp/images/e/ec/FANMADE_Twilight_Clapping.gif
Just 1 question: Why is "you" always on the bottom?
LIke I said a couple weeks ago, you are a fucking artist.
iambrony.com/gif/18655
That was good I liked it.
------------
If the circumstances were changed a little that might come off as a little bit creepy.
Well, not usually my cup of tea but credit where credit is due. You have a good grasp on this and I can appreciate that!
2283474 your name is metroid freak yet you have a picture of the arbiter
I've enjoyed the plot line so far, but I think I'll try to provide some feedback as to what I think could be improved in this story rather than comment on what I think was done well. The dialogue in this story is actually really distracting. It's as if you wrote it and then systematically went through and tried to replace every instance of "say" or "said" with some other word that means the same thing. There was "say" "remark" "whisper" "note" "breath" "mutter" "offer" "ask" "reply" "muse" "moan" "rant" "inquire" ect. More than any other instance, though, your continual use of "utter" really put me off. How many times in natural speech have you heard someone use the word "utter"? While certainly a valid word, it's really quite awkward to use it much. The reader shouldn't really notice when you indicate speech. The way you have written it here, I was almost more interested to see how the next line of dialogue would be indicated than I was what was actually being said.
There is one other thing I think is worth mentioning, but I don't really think is something that is wrong per se, and that is the way you characterize the interaction between your characters. I think you try too hard to show how deeply your characters feel for one another. Every interaction is so perfect, so absolutely chocked full of affection or longing or wonder that I think you've really over done it. The reader gets it, Twilight and our unnamed narrator really do love each other, incredibly so, but, at least for me, there is no need to remind me of this fact with every line of spoken dialogue between the two. Your style, and it was just as obvious in your Redheart series, is exceptionally affectionate, but I feel you're really going a bit too far. As the reader, I've been told how truly incredibly much the characters feel for each other, but I've been told so much so that I find it hard to believe it by the end. As with the way you have dealt with the speech of your characters, by the end it's just a bit too much I think. You've laid it on a bit too think. It's become a bit distraction from the actual interactions.
All that said, I do think the story is enjoyable so far, but it certainly has flaws, at least to me.
Good work, Jaydex. This Twilight story is just perfect and very well written. Added to my favs and liked.
Here's a present, courtesy of DeviantArt (as usual :P)
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/147/9/7/twilight_in_her_library_by_celebi_yoshi-d519jra.png
Peace and Brohoof!!!
2284745
Thanks for the pic of Twilight! That's a really cute one! Glad you enjoyed the story! Peace and Brohoof right back at you!
“Where did you lean to do this?”
Learn.
A great beginning to a new story. Onto Chapter 2!
Clearly ponies have an inconceivably higher pain threshold than any humans', because whenever I get my neck massaged, it is met with sharp intakes of breath and many curses spoken. Same goes for the rest of my family. :P
this fic + Love Bites = just a moment of pure happyness WHY THE F**********************UCK YOU ASK!!!!????
This Story Transforms My "DAWWW"s Into "CLOP"s
(Now Reading My Comment,Makes Me Realize Why So Many People Are Creeped Out Of Cloppers..........I'm A Sick Bastard)
2284745 DAWWWW That's Adorable
(I Kinda Over-Use Emicons Today)
2285217
There's no simple answer to that question. In a nutshell - I spent years practicing my writing, spent plenty of time reading, always find inspiration from all around, and the big part, I write from the heart. That and these ponies really bring out the extra tender side of me - so I really enjoy writing these romances.
Beautiful first chapter, I must admit, I was very impressed. And although I hate to be a grammar nazi, I must point out that in the third paragraph, you have "Ponyville Stationary Shop", when it should be "Ponyville Stationery Shop", as they are working with printing paper and such things. Again, sorry to point out mistakes, but don't feel bad as very few people know the difference.
2287644
Oh goodness, this is amusing. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but he's not asking a question. He's pointing out a spelling error in the fic :P.
And to be the bearer of further bad news: I'm one of those who gave this fic a downvote.
Why?
Several reasons:
1: Your prose is overly descriptive. It's understandable, expected and (I'd say) necessary when it comes to the intimate scenes, but other than that the descriptions need to be cut down. A lot can be inferred from the surrounding text, especially when it comes to dialogue.
1.2: Also: Try not to have "You" mention Twilights name so often when they talk to each other. That never happens in actual conversations, at least not when one on one. (In groups, however, it's fine.)
2: The "you" character is so horribly Gary Stue it's not even funny. Yeah, the Mane 6 all come to him and ask him to go bring Twi out of her funk? That bit really made me facepalm. If it had been written purely for clop, with practically no justification, then I wouldn't mind, but you try to make it all seem justified, and it falls somewhere in between and as such fall flat.
3: The dialogue overall is corny and cliché as heck. Seriously, it's like you've taken the corniest lines in history and are using them without a hint of irony. It's almost painful to read. (Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit that I've read enough romance stories to notice that. )
4: This one is more on a personal level of me just not liking the personality of "You". Ish, he rubbed me the wrong way. But that's not a real criticism since it's pure personal preference :P.
Anyway, that's it. I try to comment when I downvote, it's just common curtsey. Have fun writing though! :)
That was such a sweet story.
This is probably the cutest clopfic ever. I was d'awwing the whole time I read it. ^-^ The feels were present, the sex was hot, and this is just the first chapter! Godspeed on your writings jaydex! you now have a new fan!
This is one of like about maybe 3 fic that depict as straight most others depict her as lesbian don't believe me ha just take a look at about 10 random fics with twillight and sex 9 out of 10 would be shipping
Didn't need the clop; it was sweet and tender and honestly really cute.
"freeing your firm spire."
your firm spire.
firm spire.
spire.
A little to Cliche and Unbelievable for my taste...then again, we are talking about sexing up talking technicolor ponies.
You made her that way.
*Slap -slap
Just joshing with you.
I think I laugh at that and fell weird at the same time when I saw this.
I really have this feeling thatyourushit a bit.
overall I love/like it
Might need an editor for some of the minor hiccups that the comments have been pointing out though I think you have most of them now, just ask and you shall receive. Many bronies, skilled or not, wouldn't mind giving you a hand (or hoof) there.
I'm glad you've built up a little bit of a universe already and have gotten some clop in for those guys who just stop by to fap (I'll admit, occasionally, I'm one of them.) but it could use a bit more interaction between the main characters and the rest of the world. This tends to lead to some natural world development and the more you have them interact with the outside world, the better the picture we can get of it. So far, you've got a great start and it seems like this story has some good potential to be a bit more than "just another clopfic". I've yet to read the second chapter so maybe you have taken measures to fix some of these but to this point, those are my only words of advice.
I personally am decent at smoothing out ideas, spotting some logic gaps, and doing some decent fix ups as far as spelling (including getting rid of those annoying spell checker errors) so while I'm not about to force myself where you might not think it needed, I do want to let you know the offer stands.
I liked it
Next chaptah!
This was a very cute read, as usual with your writings. Ya simply can't find this level of love anywhere else on this site except for right here. Another sweet, diabetes-inducing story, pal. Can't wait to read chapter two.
I felt awful for Twilight having to sit there with her feelings for "me" after every break up, especially after reading about what happened to Daisy. I request an alternate chapter where we take Daisy back!
Also, one last thing: Either I'm crazy, or there's a nod towards More than their Customer during the massage portion. Very clever if so. I wonder if all of your stories take place within the same world? You did mention that we were one of the few humans in Equestria...
/sherlockhooves
You sir, have done it again. Another great story! I could really feel the love between "me" and Twilight. Now, onto chapter two.
2313488
Sweet! I spent a good deal of time working this story out! Hopefully you'll also enjoy chapter 2!
Okay chapter, words need a bit more 'tuning' for lack of a better term. They don't flow as nicely as they could.
Also, you should probably proofread your chapters before you post them, noticed a few mistakes here and there.
Good job, though. Enjoyed it
After reading your Luna and Celestia stories, where the two pairs are more... well... I don't know how to describe it. Twilight and me are naughty in this fic, actually talking about poses and what would we do to each other. In the other two, though... it's like me and Celestia knows each others thoughts and we do 'things' as they come. I really don't know how to describe it. I can't say Twilight and I are more naughty than tender and I can't day that Celestia/Luna and I are too modest to say out 'thing'.
And that is exactly why I liked that change. Some naughtiness really fits Twilight and this is actually shows how much a 'researcher' she is. I really enjoyed it, thank you!
Have a fantastic day!
~Adam
I had only one problem. you used "as of late" way too much. try changing or getting rid of some. It's too repetitive, but it's a really good read.
WELL IF THIS AIN'T TRUE LOVE THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
Seriously, that was beautiful. It almost became sickeningly cute. Some of the dialogue was pretty hammy and cheesy, but it was still ADORABLE. This is the thickest romance I've read in a while, and it's a nice change of pace. Well written and tastefully done. Have an upvote and fav.
True love.
So I gutsied up enough to read a romance... more like I forced myself into it, anyway I like it. Romance stories, especially yours, are a nice getaway from the violence and brutality that I usually read and write. Even though the more violent aspect of imagination entices me, romanticness is always a nice touch because it seems to set one's soul at ease. So thumbs up to you my man. I'll read the other chapter tomorrow after I get home from work