You aren't very good at writing Rainbow Dash are you? I mean you got my hopes up with the whole defiance over Fluttershy thing, but then you ruined it with the suicide act.
Shame that Rainbow Dash got cut out. I was actually hoping for some more from her, but we can't all get what we want. Oh well. At least it was interesting. Probably what makes it so... Unsatisfactory is that it seems thrown into the middle of the chapter. It was sudden, and hopefully this plays a larger part later in the story, or at least used as a way to get at Fluttershy's mind.
And all I can think is how stupid Rainbow's death scene was.
Are you sure you couldn't have just had it so that Flyo analed her into submission and then maybe some hardcore BDSM or something like that, reducing RD to a quivering servant with no freewill at all? That would have at least been consistant with both of their actions so far.
Sounds heavenly! Just let me take my dog for a walk first.
His collar is over by the shelf. I just need to grab the collar and wrap the collar to his neck. Afterwards, a leash will be attached to the collar so that he will fail attempts at escape, should he decide to run away. You see, since the collar is attached to the leash, and the leash is held by me; He will not get away.
To start this post off I am going to list off the crimes against fan fiction (or fap fiction depending on your goal here) that you have performed here, and hopefully in the future you can learn from them.
First of all Fylo at this point is borderline god tier mary sue. Requiring her to trick her victims into magically binding contracts before messing with their mind/body/soul was more than reasonable and would have made a very interesting aspect to expand upon and a weakness that could be exploited later. This recent chapter however showed she can bend any pony to her will at the clap of her hooves, it makes her far less interesting as a character because any challenge can be whisked away with a body or mind rape. No arrogance to exploit (discord is a god of chaos, and was arrogant as fuck which cost him) makes any future conflict even less believable.
character death or even implied death are usually jarring and climatic points. To produce this event at the beginning of a chapter, then focus completely on something else absolutely destroys the weight of it all together. The only thing you succeed in doing was to remove a character (survival or not Dash isn't going anywhere) out of the current story arc. At the very least, this needed to be a CLIFF HANGER.
And as a final note this is a clop fic trying to be a story. Get yourself a proper story board, proof readers, and plan it out before you add any more chapters if you wish to go that route (Xenophilia, Gentlemen for Mares for example). Otherwise stick with the clop, which is where you put most of your polish in this story.
3354917 Who the fuck are you? The fanfiction police? This is FANFICTION. I find the fact that insipid people seem to think that such things that are supposed to be written FOR FUN need an editor, proof reader or fucking committee. To answer one of your questions, Fluttershy is very shy and impressionable, why wouldn't she fall easily? Rainbow Dash was headstrong and proud, she needed to be broken. To answer another, what happened to Rainbow Dash was supposed to be a cliffhanger, but the previous chapter was running over too long. I'm trying to keep each chapter around 5,000 words. If I want to have porn with plot, I can. I don't need a group of people telling me what I can and can't do.
In short, FUCK YOU. If you want to be a literary critic then go find people who make money from their work to criticize, at least there you would have a point. Here, you're just a dick.
3355020 The point of highlighting flaws is so you can improve upon them, if this is how you react to criticism you will never improve on anything you write.
3356236 The two paragraphs in the middle were a critique, which is fine. In the first and final one you were telling me how I should write this story, how I should plan this story and the fact that I need to go through a borderline-publishing process just to write FANFICTION.
I don't know why people like you seem to think that something that is written for FUN and that no one will ever make money on needs such a process. To me, people like you are snobs trying to play at being publishers. I think you're full shit and need to go away. There is more than one way to write a story. Just because I don't write it in your specifications does not make it a "crime" (and FYI, starting out with that is going to instantly piss people off). A story (especially fanfiction) does not have to be perfect. I'm writing this for fun in my spare time and I'm certainly not going through a group of people like you who think they sit at the top of the fandom and dictate what people can and cannot write and how they should do it.
To be more polite than before: GO AWAY. I DON'T WANT YOUR KIND OF HELP.
3369230 I actually don't mind people's opinion. If you have a compliment or a critique that's fine (although I prefer that you have both). What I don't like is people telling me that I'm doing horribly because I'm not writing their way. I could go on and on about why this pisses me off (I mean like pages), but suffice it to say if you want to write a certain way, you can. If you want to have porn with plot, you can. Don't let anybody tell you that what you're doing is a "crime" (that's what made my blood boil). This is fanfiction and everybody needs to chill out. We don't need proofreaders, storyboards or committees. Just write, have fun and enjoy. If it makes sense then what's the problem? We're not writing novels, we're not submitting to publishers and we certainly don't need people lording over us telling what we can write (as a certain someone tried to do).
That was an abrupt end to Rainbow Dash...
Whew. Finally.
Best Rainbow Dash Death Ever.
I don't read sex stories for deaths
3172919 eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
thank you thank you thank you!
so awesome
Do go on
lol
3173762
The keyword here is "Dark."
rainbow is dead?
real bummer
will all of them die
Poor dashie
3175439
3175465
no no no no no Dashie...please no die
3178406
please tell me i don't have to wait another 4 months or more for the next chapter, I don't like rush perfection but damn the wait kills me bra.
I don't have a problem with killing off characters, but just, I don't even. Wasted opportunity
Oh well, gave me an idea for my own story, so that'll be fun.
3178900 ok ill admidt i laughed at tht
but thts still cruel dude, come on im dying to know, at least for sure...is dashie dead?
3180099
You may refer to this post:
3175902
Wow, Rainbow Dash... loyal to the end
ur an evil bastard
lol :D
3181544
images.wikia.com/elderscrolls/images/e/ea/Oh_stop_it_you.png
3182257im not sure i can reapond to tht :3
Huh...That sorta bums me out.
You aren't very good at writing Rainbow Dash are you? I mean you got my hopes up with the whole defiance over Fluttershy thing, but then you ruined it with the suicide act.
3187558
You may refer to this post:
3178900
Shame that Rainbow Dash got cut out. I was actually hoping for some more from her, but we can't all get what we want. Oh well. At least it was interesting. Probably what makes it so... Unsatisfactory is that it seems thrown into the middle of the chapter. It was sudden, and hopefully this plays a larger part later in the story, or at least used as a way to get at Fluttershy's mind.
img.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/119273/1241034575620-637x700.jpg
Thats i imagine Fylo entered the room.
And rainbow died.
funnypics.funnyanimalpicturescat.com/pics/29/And-Not-A-Single-Fuck-Was-Given-That-Day.jpg
And.... I'm out.
3201793
funnypics.funnyanimalpicturescat.com/pics/29/And-Not-A-Single-Fuck-Was-Given-That-Day.jpg
3203051
payload.cargocollective.com/1/0/6317/277840/IMG_0476.jpeg
And all I can think is how stupid Rainbow's death scene was.
Are you sure you couldn't have just had it so that Flyo analed her into submission and then maybe some hardcore BDSM or something like that, reducing RD to a quivering servant with no freewill at all? That would have at least been consistant with both of their actions so far.
Instead its just sucide.
Fail dude. Fail.
3215634
Would everyone fucking relax and be patient, please?
3216591 SHE LIVES!
3259763
....Um...in what way would that kill them?
3259342
i.qkme.me/3thnf7.jpg
3262066
Sounds heavenly! Just let me take my dog for a walk first.
His collar is over by the shelf. I just need to grab the collar and wrap the collar to his neck. Afterwards, a leash will be attached to the collar so that he will fail attempts at escape, should he decide to run away. You see, since the collar is attached to the leash, and the leash is held by me; He will not get away.
Oh yeah: COLLAR
3262030
Dunno.
'Site didn't gimme a notification when you replied either, damn hooligans...
I like this story though... s' a good story.
To start this post off I am going to list off the crimes against fan fiction (or fap fiction depending on your goal here) that you have performed here, and hopefully in the future you can learn from them.
First of all Fylo at this point is borderline god tier mary sue. Requiring her to trick her victims into magically binding contracts before messing with their mind/body/soul was more than reasonable and would have made a very interesting aspect to expand upon and a weakness that could be exploited later. This recent chapter however showed she can bend any pony to her will at the clap of her hooves, it makes her far less interesting as a character because any challenge can be whisked away with a body or mind rape. No arrogance to exploit (discord is a god of chaos, and was arrogant as fuck which cost him) makes any future conflict even less believable.
character death or even implied death are usually jarring and climatic points. To produce this event at the beginning of a chapter, then focus completely on something else absolutely destroys the weight of it all together. The only thing you succeed in doing was to remove a character (survival or not Dash isn't going anywhere) out of the current story arc. At the very least, this needed to be a CLIFF HANGER.
And as a final note this is a clop fic trying to be a story. Get yourself a proper story board, proof readers, and plan it out before you add any more chapters if you wish to go that route (Xenophilia, Gentlemen for Mares for example). Otherwise stick with the clop, which is where you put most of your polish in this story.
3354917
Who the fuck are you? The fanfiction police? This is FANFICTION. I find the fact that insipid people seem to think that such things that are supposed to be written FOR FUN need an editor, proof reader or fucking committee. To answer one of your questions, Fluttershy is very shy and impressionable, why wouldn't she fall easily? Rainbow Dash was headstrong and proud, she needed to be broken. To answer another, what happened to Rainbow Dash was supposed to be a cliffhanger, but the previous chapter was running over too long. I'm trying to keep each chapter around 5,000 words. If I want to have porn with plot, I can. I don't need a group of people telling me what I can and can't do.
In short, FUCK YOU. If you want to be a literary critic then go find people who make money from their work to criticize, at least there you would have a point. Here, you're just a dick.
3355020
The point of highlighting flaws is so you can improve upon them, if this is how you react to criticism you will never improve on anything you write.
3356236
The two paragraphs in the middle were a critique, which is fine. In the first and final one you were telling me how I should write this story, how I should plan this story and the fact that I need to go through a borderline-publishing process just to write FANFICTION.
I don't know why people like you seem to think that something that is written for FUN and that no one will ever make money on needs such a process. To me, people like you are snobs trying to play at being publishers. I think you're full shit and need to go away. There is more than one way to write a story. Just because I don't write it in your specifications does not make it a "crime" (and FYI, starting out with that is going to instantly piss people off). A story (especially fanfiction) does not have to be perfect. I'm writing this for fun in my spare time and I'm certainly not going through a group of people like you who think they sit at the top of the fandom and dictate what people can and cannot write and how they should do it.
To be more polite than before: GO AWAY. I DON'T WANT YOUR KIND OF HELP.
Leave the author alone. It is a good story. No one asked for your opinion, just like no-one asked for mine.
3369230
I actually don't mind people's opinion. If you have a compliment or a critique that's fine (although I prefer that you have both). What I don't like is people telling me that I'm doing horribly because I'm not writing their way. I could go on and on about why this pisses me off (I mean like pages), but suffice it to say if you want to write a certain way, you can. If you want to have porn with plot, you can. Don't let anybody tell you that what you're doing is a "crime" (that's what made my blood boil). This is fanfiction and everybody needs to chill out. We don't need proofreaders, storyboards or committees. Just write, have fun and enjoy. If it makes sense then what's the problem? We're not writing novels, we're not submitting to publishers and we certainly don't need people lording over us telling what we can write (as a certain someone tried to do).
I agree 100% with you sir.
please continue soon
3175069 I think your username and profile pic is a good response all by itself
Would really love to see this continued.
it has been two months
please post update
PLEASE I BEG U GIVE US MORE!!!