Chrysalis flicked her head to the side, her eyes gleaming with rage "what are you doing here?!" she hissed
"saving my little sister!" snapped Rainbow Dash, a Zebra entering behind her.
"Ha! Sister? You couldn't even keep her from losing her abilities to fly, did you?" the queen smirked, "OR stop her from going into the Everfree Forest..." Rainbow's face was burning, until the rage snapped the line. She launched herself forth at the giant bug, propelling her backwards. The Changeling screeched and whacked her hooves up to the mares chest, knocking her flying right back into a large rock.
"HA! You little fools! You really thought that would work? Oh, come on!" the queen looked cool and calm, like she wasn't even stamping on an ant in a joke like this. Zecora, from nature, is a character of more logic than vigor. And so, her features strained in concentration about her first move.
"What is going on, auntie Chrissie?" said Scootaloo, creeping out of the cave that separates Chrysalis' home from her sleeping quarters. Rainbow flew up again and right at Scootaloo for a close look.
"What have you done with my sister?! You worthless bug!" she pinned her to the floor, her hooves pressing deeply at her throat. "D-Dash... it's me!" the changeling filly said, struggling for breath. Rainbow looked into her eyes, seeing a familiar glimpse in those portals
"oh, Scoots!" she grabbed her whole and hugged "What have they done to you, Scoots?!" Rainbow held back tears.
"I didn't have a choice, I was scared that she would kill me if I refused!" Scootaloo wept into RD's fur "I didn't mean it!" she looked like the school filly she was only the year before. JUST like that: "I just wanted to fly. I wanted to be special; NOT worthless! And now, all my hopes and dreams have been snatched away from me! But... But she..."
Scootaloo's voice trailed off as she turned her head at Chrysalis "offered them back to me. And I, I didn't have you"
"Mutiny!" Chrysallis rolled her eyes "disgrace, young Scootaloo! Do you not understand?!" Chrysalis sauntered over, her head high "this is NOT a lesson in the magic of friendship!This is little Scootaloo's turn to stop being a scum and do something useful, in a contrast!" the queen gripped at Sootaloo's wing and ripped it like it was paper "that's why I gave you your wings!" Scootaloo was struck with savage pain, but after a little trembling, the muscles of her wings were still able to respond, and so she fired herself from the ground and hit the queen in the face like a bullet in the air "Serpent!" screamed the giant insect like mare, recovering her brain in her skull. When all was settled, she aimed and her horn released a devastating beam of destructive laser, pounding at Scootaloo with first shot. The formally majestic Scootaloo flopped to the floor like a leaf, crumbing away into a silent, still heap on the floor.
"SCOOTS!!" Rainbow sped towards the ground, "Scoots! wake up little sis! please!" Rainbow went from controllable shouting to a whine which seemed to break will all emotion that boiled in her stomach. Tears - the heavy rain upon the blue
plains of her face. Chrysalis, nowhere to be found. Optimism would say that this would be the point at which Scootaloo would open her eyes, but reality was only there to prevent that from happening.
Ah, oh, um, I'll get this out tomorrow Derpy
Well um, Very good work on this chapter,
Let's hope for another great chapter,
Orchid another great job on editing.
And yes, I have no CutieMark.
Not because I haven't found my talent but, Because
I chose not to be limited by a mark that tells me what to do
for my vast amount of talents.
I just started t make the audio to video so, this will go up in the morning
At 10:00A.M (U.S./Canada Mountain time)
It is up Story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXy2-NfrPy8&feature=youtu.be
2316427 thank you! thank you so much!
have a bug mac:
Let's see... your story has only a little over 2,800 words despite already having five chapters. Even ignoring the rating, that's a big red flag right there. After having read it, I must say this would have been an amazingly epic story if you had actually put some time and effort into it.
With as much story as you have, your word count should be at LEAST ~15,000 words (around 3,000 words per chapter, give or take a few). The plot wasn't just rushed, it was loaded into a gun and fired like a bullet. It's not nearly as hard as it sounds to write that much.
Now the grammar. Just because you have a proofreader doesn't mean your story has good grammar. Your biggest problem is capitalization. You and your proofreader don't seem to have even the slightest idea of how it's supposed to work.
You two need to read FiMFiction's writing guide.
I love the plot you have going here. That's why I'm so disappointed to see it mishandled so badly. I really want to see it turned into a REAL story. If you can make it happen, I'd be more than happy to come back with something much more positive to say.
2398471 well the reason it is rushed is just that I have nothing more to say, I babble too much...and believe me you would much less want to read my babbling.
2400418 Maybe you should give babbling a try. If you can get yourself to stay on topic, why not?
Derpy, I feel as if I've done bad with this fic, so I'm going to be rereading it. As well as that, may I help you with some grammar errors, I feel if I can give this a bit more polish, then I can help it a lot.
2400476 you are right! I will try that.
2416631 I am crap at grammar I know that so any help is GREATLY appreciated.