Well, this could have been a whole lot worse. Trixie could have been a violent psychopath, threatening us to play a piano or be killed...Yeah, I'm sure someone will pick up which Fic I'm talking about.
Hmm... Okay, first of all, a bit of advice for responding to comments in chaptered stories: If you want the commenter to see your response, as in, to get a notification of it, you'll need to go to that specific chapter when you "reply" to their comment. Naturally, you can always reply to multiple comments at once, but if you want to reply to the comment on the "Story Summary" page (Main Page), they'll only receive a reply if their comment is posted on the latest chapter.
I say all this, because before I continue reading the chapter, I HAVE to address this separately: It's a quote from the chapter, and I couldn't fit this anywhere else in my review or proofreading section. With that in mind...
allowing the embers to rain down
I’m so sorry about this… But Mares and Gentlecolts... The Great and Powerful Trixie... just...
SET FIIIIIRE TO THE RAAIII-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB!
... Trixie can't get the license for the real song due to also-great-and-powerful teams of lawyers. Tough.
2460185 Well, it's because most don't notice, I guess... But for someone new like me who likes posting something each chapter, from corrections and advice, to reviews and an analysis, I found out on my own that FIMfiction.net hasn't quite got the notifications system completely smoothed out, or at least, not yet. Even your reply here; I didn't get as a notification, because you were replying to something that had "Chapter 3" as the "where it was posted" location.
Thankfully, ALL posts appear on the main page, making it easy for you to keep track of who posts what, and it lists where they posted it, too!
I-I'll begin with this chapter, though! A hop, a skip, a read, a proofread, and a jump right into Chapter One! (Followed by a review. Heh...) But first, let’s see the tense… Looks to be past-tense in the first paragraph with a third-person narration, but… in the next ones, it’s in the present tense…? W-Well, okay, maybe one format will become more common.
… “killed!” both of your” – After the quotation mark, place ‘you shout, as’. If you don’t state that a character is speaking a quoted line, then you need to capitalize the word after the quotations. Also, if you are starting a new sentence after a quote, as done here, capitalize the first word that comes next. Both of the following lines are examples of this phrase, corrected: “killed!” you shouted back, as both of your…” and “killed!” Both of your…” … “precaution to insure your” – ‘insure’ should be ‘ensure’, as ‘ensure’ means “to make sure that something shall occur, or be the case”, while ‘insure’ does not mean the same thing. … “to me.” she crosses” – Capitalize ‘she’. … “into a frog anyway, ”” – Remove the space between the comma and the quotation mark. … “how?” you are starting getting annoyed” – Capitalize ‘you’, and change ‘getting’ to ‘to get’.
Note: As of now, I won’t address editing-related errors such as “capitalizing after quotations in sentences,” since it’ll take a while.
… “the hour long argument” – Place a hyphen between ‘hour’ and ‘long’. … “and the excuse of she thought you” – Replace ‘excuse of she thought’ with ‘belief she had that you’. … “And what seemed like” – Place ‘after’ between ‘And’ and ‘what’. … “She never said how or when did she?” – Erm… Can you elaborate on this statement? I think it’s discussing ‘putting the spell on the protagonist’, but I’m not even sure, given how vague and questionable the sentence structure is. … “day only improves only slightly however.” – Change ‘only improves only slightly however’ to ‘is slightly better, but just barely enough to be noticeable.’ … “tossed into the floor” – Ouch! Maybe you should change ‘into’ to ‘onto’. … “In a matter of fact” – ‘In’ should be ‘As’. … “necessities. As for” – There are two spaces between the period and ‘As’, so delete one of them. … “Teleportation and Alterations? Not” – Titles of books should be placed in italics. The rest of the sentence can remain in standard format. … “for tonight’s show stopping” – Place a hyphen between ‘show’ and ‘stopping’. … “performance,” Trixie then” – Replace the comma with a period or exclamation mark, since she doesn’t continue this sentence after she leaves. … “by the ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie,”” – Same as above for the comma: It should be either a period or exclamation mark. … “natural born” – Place a hyphen between the two words. … ” you and head into town” – Replace ‘and’ with ‘as you’. … “walk past by” – Remove ‘past’. … “and as long as long as nothing” – Remove a ‘long as’. … “Their looks are of curiosity” – Place ‘more’ between ‘are’ and ‘of’. … “Better just grab that book and just get back” – Remove the second ‘just’. … “back,” you pick” – Again, two spaces when there should be one, between the quotation mark and ‘you’. … “do double takes” – ‘double takes’ should be ‘a double take’. … “the stallion states” – Place a period at the end. … “Luckily, for you Trixie taught” – Move the comma from after ‘Luckily’, to after ‘you’. … “other side of the house as” – Isn’t it a caravan, not a house? … “who bumped into while” – Place ‘me’ between ‘into’ and ‘while’. … “into the couch” – ‘into’ should be ‘onto’. … “inevitable chewing out that” – ‘chewing’ and ‘out’ should have a hyphen placed between them. … “of your slip up” – Place a hyphen between ‘slip’ and ‘up’. … “from the towns folk here” – ‘towns folk’ should be one word: ‘townsfolk’. … “but also I also have” – Remove the first ‘also’. … “that i’ll have to” – ‘i’ll’ should be capitalized: ‘I’ll’. … “crossing your arms and sitting back in the couch” – Capitalize ‘crossing’ and replace ‘in’ with ‘on’. Also, place a comma after ‘couch’. … “unravel the clothes and” – Considering it’s just cloth, rather than some actual clothing, it should be ‘cloth’, or if it’s more than one variety of cloth, ‘cloths’. … “wagon that had set up” – Place ‘been’ between ‘had’ and ‘set’. … “on stage just yet thats why” – ‘thats’ should be ‘that’s’. … “to be well rested” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘rested’. … “making a small “Oof” to escape” – Change ‘making’ to ‘causing’. … “and hurry up!” she yells” – The exclamation mark should either be joined by a question mark, or replaced by one. … “those plain looking outfits” – Place a hyphen between ‘plain’ and ‘looking’. … “Trixie left to head” – ‘left’ should be ‘leave’ as this is in the present tense. … “You can’t expect me to even consider it, do you?” – Replace ‘can’t’ with ‘don’t’. … “couch. she then makes” – ‘she’ should be capitalized. … “Trixie’s demands!” she says” – There are two spaces between the quotation mark and ‘she’. Remove one of them. … “town has ever seen” – ‘ever’ should be ‘never’.
Before making a comment to review, I have to point this out:
You just pray nothing goes wrong for once.
Inversely, this means that something has gone wrong EVERY TIME PRIOR TO THIS!
Okay, so first we’ve got the story: It’s honestly a bit vague, but that’s because of how much it relies on magic as a plot device. An unknown spell keeping you with her, a spell that brought you to Equestria, several instances of magic being used with common actions… I’m not a big fan of magic being overused in the show, but I guess that for Trixie, she’d probably do that, as in, use her magic for all sorts of things.
Speaking of Trixie, she’s great in this story. The portrayal is accurate, which is a plus, but she isn’t quite annoying. Yes, she’s self-praising and bossy, but she does this consistently without going outright overboard. If it felt more like the protagonist was a slave, it would make her look much, much worse, but giving them decent banter through “verbal scuffles” helps her come across as more of an “anger-inducing older sibling” than an ‘owner’ of the protagonist.
Now’s a good time to mention how on occasion in A Core of an Apple, there would be instances that didn’t sound like they would be “said” by a normal individual, as though it was overly dramatic because it looked better typed that way. There’s little to no instances of that here, and I respect that immensely. Probably the only problem I can see outright, is just how quick things seem to go from scene to scene. There’s barely any time to cool down.
I guess I would’ve also liked a bit more descriptions of the clothing, both the ones the characters wear, as well as the clothing in the store. Most have an idea of a jester’s outfit, but you have to consider that if someone doesn’t, they should be told a little bit about it: Checkered with two colors (most common is red and black, but blue & yellow is also somewhat common), meant to be ‘ugly’ to look at so that it draws the attention of an audience.
This story lacks several factors of immersion that A Core of an Apple had, but this is only the first chapter! The smells of the town, colors of the stores and fireworks, tastes of various things (from air and food to, if the rating is any indication, Trixie! ), what the protagonist hears, and various feelings that would be especially present in a clop scene, though it should be utilized regardless, just to draw the reader more into the universe you’ve made with your story.
Now then, this seems rather tame... but that's because I'm looking to see how things change as the chapters continue. Well, nowhere to go but forward!
2460397 A lot smaller of a comment..Lol! (I know its the first chapter.)
Now, the magic as plot, well, as you've said, it comes with the territory so I'll skip that. But the part about being less descriptive, if this were 1st or 3rd person, then you'd be correct. However, this is second person and there for, it is my job to make sure I leave out what details I can without leaving you lost so you, as the reader, can fill in the blanks, to use your imagination to fill in what color, what they're wearing etc etc. That isn't my job. That's the fun of 2nd person, to give you more control over what they are doing, that way you can further connect it to yourself as to your likes and dislikes.
As for Trixie, well you already know you have been stuck with her for a few months prier to the beginning of this story, so she is more 'used' to you and your personality. So she wouldn't be to over bearing since you fight back with her orders, so of course she is...'tame'(?) compared to how she normally would be. Things will even out a little more when you read further on.
2462737 Well yeah, my reviews will either be smaller or bigger depending on the path the story takes. At the end, you'll likely get a massive critique of how the story had progressed, noticeable changes, plot points that might have had potential, etc. Again, it depends on how the story goes.
The problem with second-person is that A Core of an Apple was actually a bit more immersive than this, when it came to how the human had felt, yet the same style. Yes, this takes a more casual path to make the reader more 'involved', but sometimes you still need to give the reader a sense of direction, or describe something to make the reader feel a certain way. For example, if the jester's outfit looked hideous, take a moment to describe it as being painful to look at, so we have an increase of dislike for Trixie, who bought it. This way, the reader can feel more like the protagonist when it comes to how we see Trixie: As a 'ball and chain', essentially.
I'd go into this more, but I'll save a bit for the second chapter's review: I'm already on my way through it, so I can just go to it there.
2462805 I think the 2nd person bit is a bit of personal preference. So I don't really have a proper reply to your statement other then, it is all about what style you like. But yes, read the 2nd chapter and third and stuff will make a bit more sense. Also, as for the pace, think about it, unless Trixie has it shoved into her face, she wont understand it or change at all. That is why the pacing seems a tad fast.
2462875 Regarding the pacing, the problem is that the protagonist and Trixie have already been together for several months, but she still felt the need to explain her self-referral as 'The Great & Powerful Trixie'. Some of these are understandable, but other instances of learning new things, such as this, seem like they would've occurred well before that moment... unless you had literally spent a while with her without talking and without performances.
In fact, I'd imagine Trixie would have been telling you to call her 'The Great & Powerful Trixie' since the second day knowing her (the first day would have involved her DEMANDING it! ), but hey, everyone has a different view! Just remember that the suspension of disbelief is only that: suspension. Make sure not to stretch the disbelief too thin, or else you risk losing a reader.
Not ME, I'm just speaking for a general audience that might get lost. I'm LOVING this story so far! Of course, the pacing for Trixie isn't much of a problem, given the insults. If anything, I'm expecting her to crash and burn in a future chapter: getting berated by someone for so long will have much more terrifying effects than most physical injuries, given the time to simmer and the frailty of the sentient being's heart.
And for somepony with as much pride as Trixie, that frailty is increased tenfold.
“Think nothing of it; after all, it is the least Trixie can do for her fami- guest,” Trixie quickly corrects herself and gives you a small smile.
I'm suspecting that familiar summoning is illegal in Equestria and Trixie is trying to hide our guy's purpose from other ponies in fear of getting arrested.
So I know this is mostly because "LolClopficplot", but why doesn't the PoV character just walk right into the police station of the first town they get to? Presumably summoning a sentient being and placing them under a binding is at the very least frowned upon. Let the police sort Trixie out and then get some actually competent help from the authorities regarding the binding enchantment.
Interesting. Let's see where this goes.
Oh, and the second 'half' of the chapter is in italics all the way.
Slight problem, it suddenly turns to the rest of the chapter being in itallics!
Apart from the error of ittalics, the story strucure itself is awesome! =)
Transported from your world while walking down the road? By a "girl" who fails spellcasting?
I can't get Zero no Tsukaima out of my head.
I would like to see where this goes. Its pretty funny as well.
Brony19 enjoys this.
ONWARD, LOYAL FAMILIER!
You totally gotta let us get Trixie back for that tickling thing. Otherwise, good story!
Well, this could have been a whole lot worse. Trixie could have been a violent psychopath, threatening us to play a piano or be killed...Yeah, I'm sure someone will pick up which Fic I'm talking about.
Not really fan of Trixie but I'm liking the story so far.
2381704 Isn't that from Bioshock? Is there some sort of Bioshock/MLP fanfic. Am I going to look like an idiot for asking that?
it was... ok I think
hope this douse have clop thou
I Like This.
ANOTHER
Even if i'm not a big fan of Trixie, this story stills pretty cool!
so he never once thought to oh I dunno, tell other ponies hes being held in magical slavery by Trixie? what a dumb ass
2382815 Yes. Yes you-*Puts on sunglasses*-will.
Nah, just messin with you. I wouldn't know.
You pray, but celestia hates you.
and what, pray, is wrong with jester outfits?
2379269 I was thinking the same thing lol
I'm liking this fic so far, can't wait for some more.
2385299 they will probably think his just a disobedient familiar or something and he probably ready tried, i know i would have
2387678nothing, he just has no taste in fashion
2387678
Its evil and creepy. Just like clowns.
The scene is being set and I love it!
2393420 She wouldn't know what that is...
Love the story but.... "trixie snaps her fingers." Not sure if typo or intentionally put in there.
Hmm... Okay, first of all, a bit of advice for responding to comments in chaptered stories: If you want the commenter to see your response, as in, to get a notification of it, you'll need to go to that specific chapter when you "reply" to their comment. Naturally, you can always reply to multiple comments at once, but if you want to reply to the comment on the "Story Summary" page (Main Page), they'll only receive a reply if their comment is posted on the latest chapter.
I say all this, because before I continue reading the chapter, I HAVE to address this separately: It's a quote from the chapter, and I couldn't fit this anywhere else in my review or proofreading section. With that in mind...
I’m so sorry about this… But Mares and Gentlecolts... The Great and Powerful Trixie... just...
SET FIIIIIRE TO THE RAAIII-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB!
... Trixie can't get the license for the real song due to also-great-and-powerful teams of lawyers. Tough.
2460144 That's weird. I'll have to remember that. I wonder why no one else has mentioned this at all?
2460185 Well, it's because most don't notice, I guess... But for someone new like me who likes posting something each chapter, from corrections and advice, to reviews and an analysis, I found out on my own that FIMfiction.net hasn't quite got the notifications system completely smoothed out, or at least, not yet. Even your reply here; I didn't get as a notification, because you were replying to something that had "Chapter 3" as the "where it was posted" location.
Thankfully, ALL posts appear on the main page, making it easy for you to keep track of who posts what, and it lists where they posted it, too!
I-I'll begin with this chapter, though! A hop, a skip, a read, a proofread, and a jump right into Chapter One! (Followed by a review. Heh...) But first, let’s see the tense… Looks to be past-tense in the first paragraph with a third-person narration, but… in the next ones, it’s in the present tense…? W-Well, okay, maybe one format will become more common.
… “killed!” both of your” – After the quotation mark, place ‘you shout, as’. If you don’t state that a character is speaking a quoted line, then you need to capitalize the word after the quotations. Also, if you are starting a new sentence after a quote, as done here, capitalize the first word that comes next.
Both of the following lines are examples of this phrase, corrected: “killed!” you shouted back, as both of your…” and “killed!” Both of your…”
… “precaution to insure your” – ‘insure’ should be ‘ensure’, as ‘ensure’ means “to make sure that something shall occur, or be the case”, while ‘insure’ does not mean the same thing.
… “to me.” she crosses” – Capitalize ‘she’.
… “into a frog anyway, ”” – Remove the space between the comma and the quotation mark.
… “how?” you are starting getting annoyed” – Capitalize ‘you’, and change ‘getting’ to ‘to get’.
Note: As of now, I won’t address editing-related errors such as “capitalizing after quotations in sentences,” since it’ll take a while.
… “the hour long argument” – Place a hyphen between ‘hour’ and ‘long’.
… “and the excuse of she thought you” – Replace ‘excuse of she thought’ with ‘belief she had that you’.
… “And what seemed like” – Place ‘after’ between ‘And’ and ‘what’.
… “She never said how or when did she?” – Erm… Can you elaborate on this statement? I think it’s discussing ‘putting the spell on the protagonist’, but I’m not even sure, given how vague and questionable the sentence structure is.
… “day only improves only slightly however.” – Change ‘only improves only slightly however’ to ‘is slightly better, but just barely enough to be noticeable.’
… “tossed into the floor” – Ouch! Maybe you should change ‘into’ to ‘onto’.
… “In a matter of fact” – ‘In’ should be ‘As’.
… “necessities. As for” – There are two spaces between the period and ‘As’, so delete one of them.
… “Teleportation and Alterations? Not” – Titles of books should be placed in italics. The rest of the sentence can remain in standard format.
… “for tonight’s show stopping” – Place a hyphen between ‘show’ and ‘stopping’.
… “performance,” Trixie then” – Replace the comma with a period or exclamation mark, since she doesn’t continue this sentence after she leaves.
… “by the ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie,”” – Same as above for the comma: It should be either a period or exclamation mark.
… “natural born” – Place a hyphen between the two words.
… ” you and head into town” – Replace ‘and’ with ‘as you’.
… “walk past by” – Remove ‘past’.
… “and as long as long as nothing” – Remove a ‘long as’.
… “Their looks are of curiosity” – Place ‘more’ between ‘are’ and ‘of’.
… “Better just grab that book and just get back” – Remove the second ‘just’.
… “back,” you pick” – Again, two spaces when there should be one, between the quotation mark and ‘you’.
… “do double takes” – ‘double takes’ should be ‘a double take’.
… “the stallion states” – Place a period at the end.
… “Luckily, for you Trixie taught” – Move the comma from after ‘Luckily’, to after ‘you’.
… “other side of the house as” – Isn’t it a caravan, not a house?
… “who bumped into while” – Place ‘me’ between ‘into’ and ‘while’.
… “into the couch” – ‘into’ should be ‘onto’.
… “inevitable chewing out that” – ‘chewing’ and ‘out’ should have a hyphen placed between them.
… “of your slip up” – Place a hyphen between ‘slip’ and ‘up’.
… “from the towns folk here” – ‘towns folk’ should be one word: ‘townsfolk’.
… “but also I also have” – Remove the first ‘also’.
… “that i’ll have to” – ‘i’ll’ should be capitalized: ‘I’ll’.
… “crossing your arms and sitting back in the couch” – Capitalize ‘crossing’ and replace ‘in’ with ‘on’. Also, place a comma after ‘couch’.
… “unravel the clothes and” – Considering it’s just cloth, rather than some actual clothing, it should be ‘cloth’, or if it’s more than one variety of cloth, ‘cloths’.
… “wagon that had set up” – Place ‘been’ between ‘had’ and ‘set’.
… “on stage just yet thats why” – ‘thats’ should be ‘that’s’.
… “to be well rested” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘rested’.
… “making a small “Oof” to escape” – Change ‘making’ to ‘causing’.
… “and hurry up!” she yells” – The exclamation mark should either be joined by a question mark, or replaced by one.
… “those plain looking outfits” – Place a hyphen between ‘plain’ and ‘looking’.
… “Trixie left to head” – ‘left’ should be ‘leave’ as this is in the present tense.
… “You can’t expect me to even consider it, do you?” – Replace ‘can’t’ with ‘don’t’.
… “couch. she then makes” – ‘she’ should be capitalized.
… “Trixie’s demands!” she says” – There are two spaces between the quotation mark and ‘she’. Remove one of them.
… “town has ever seen” – ‘ever’ should be ‘never’.
Before making a comment to review, I have to point this out:
Inversely, this means that something has gone wrong EVERY TIME PRIOR TO THIS!
Okay, so first we’ve got the story: It’s honestly a bit vague, but that’s because of how much it relies on magic as a plot device. An unknown spell keeping you with her, a spell that brought you to Equestria, several instances of magic being used with common actions… I’m not a big fan of magic being overused in the show, but I guess that for Trixie, she’d probably do that, as in, use her magic for all sorts of things.
Speaking of Trixie, she’s great in this story. The portrayal is accurate, which is a plus, but she isn’t quite annoying. Yes, she’s self-praising and bossy, but she does this consistently without going outright overboard. If it felt more like the protagonist was a slave, it would make her look much, much worse, but giving them decent banter through “verbal scuffles” helps her come across as more of an “anger-inducing older sibling” than an ‘owner’ of the protagonist.
Now’s a good time to mention how on occasion in A Core of an Apple, there would be instances that didn’t sound like they would be “said” by a normal individual, as though it was overly dramatic because it looked better typed that way. There’s little to no instances of that here, and I respect that immensely. Probably the only problem I can see outright, is just how quick things seem to go from scene to scene. There’s barely any time to cool down.
I guess I would’ve also liked a bit more descriptions of the clothing, both the ones the characters wear, as well as the clothing in the store. Most have an idea of a jester’s outfit, but you have to consider that if someone doesn’t, they should be told a little bit about it: Checkered with two colors (most common is red and black, but blue & yellow is also somewhat common), meant to be ‘ugly’ to look at so that it draws the attention of an audience.
This story lacks several factors of immersion that A Core of an Apple had, but this is only the first chapter! The smells of the town, colors of the stores and fireworks, tastes of various things (from air and food to, if the rating is any indication, Trixie! ), what the protagonist hears, and various feelings that would be especially present in a clop scene, though it should be utilized regardless, just to draw the reader more into the universe you’ve made with your story.
Now then, this seems rather tame... but that's because I'm looking to see how things change as the chapters continue. Well, nowhere to go but forward!
... After sleep.
2460397 A lot smaller of a comment..Lol! (I know its the first chapter.)
Now, the magic as plot, well, as you've said, it comes with the territory so I'll skip that. But the part about being less descriptive, if this were 1st or 3rd person, then you'd be correct. However, this is second person and there for, it is my job to make sure I leave out what details I can without leaving you lost so you, as the reader, can fill in the blanks, to use your imagination to fill in what color, what they're wearing etc etc. That isn't my job. That's the fun of 2nd person, to give you more control over what they are doing, that way you can further connect it to yourself as to your likes and dislikes.
As for Trixie, well you already know you have been stuck with her for a few months prier to the beginning of this story, so she is more 'used' to you and your personality. So she wouldn't be to over bearing since you fight back with her orders, so of course she is...'tame'(?) compared to how she normally would be. Things will even out a little more when you read further on.
2462737 Well yeah, my reviews will either be smaller or bigger depending on the path the story takes. At the end, you'll likely get a massive critique of how the story had progressed, noticeable changes, plot points that might have had potential, etc. Again, it depends on how the story goes.
The problem with second-person is that A Core of an Apple was actually a bit more immersive than this, when it came to how the human had felt, yet the same style. Yes, this takes a more casual path to make the reader more 'involved', but sometimes you still need to give the reader a sense of direction, or describe something to make the reader feel a certain way. For example, if the jester's outfit looked hideous, take a moment to describe it as being painful to look at, so we have an increase of dislike for Trixie, who bought it. This way, the reader can feel more like the protagonist when it comes to how we see Trixie: As a 'ball and chain', essentially.
I'd go into this more, but I'll save a bit for the second chapter's review: I'm already on my way through it, so I can just go to it there.
2462805 I think the 2nd person bit is a bit of personal preference. So I don't really have a proper reply to your statement other then, it is all about what style you like. But yes, read the 2nd chapter and third and stuff will make a bit more sense. Also, as for the pace, think about it, unless Trixie has it shoved into her face, she wont understand it or change at all. That is why the pacing seems a tad fast.
2462875 Regarding the pacing, the problem is that the protagonist and Trixie have already been together for several months, but she still felt the need to explain her self-referral as 'The Great & Powerful Trixie'. Some of these are understandable, but other instances of learning new things, such as this, seem like they would've occurred well before that moment... unless you had literally spent a while with her without talking and without performances.
In fact, I'd imagine Trixie would have been telling you to call her 'The Great & Powerful Trixie' since the second day knowing her (the first day would have involved her DEMANDING it! ), but hey, everyone has a different view! Just remember that the suspension of disbelief is only that: suspension. Make sure not to stretch the disbelief too thin, or else you risk losing a reader.
Not ME, I'm just speaking for a general audience that might get lost. I'm LOVING this story so far! Of course, the pacing for Trixie isn't much of a problem, given the insults. If anything, I'm expecting her to crash and burn in a future chapter: getting berated by someone for so long will have much more terrifying effects than most physical injuries, given the time to simmer and the frailty of the sentient being's heart.
And for somepony with as much pride as Trixie, that frailty is increased tenfold.
The caravan echos with a scream and what sounds like lightning striking
something and then goes dead silent as the only sounds are birds flying away.
Just as I read the last part of that sentence, I heard birds fly by. Best. Timing. Ever.
RELEASE THE PIMP HAND!!!!!!
2462875
I THOUGHT THE AUTHOR'S NOTE WAS A LINK!
DAMMIT!
Hmmm....Familiar. That's from a anime that had Louise a Mage and her Familiar human Saito.
Good show just can't remember the name.
2460144
media.tumblr.com/16645bda49d536a0d32b4992d5aae628/tumblr_inline_mi8h1qMnrV1qz4rgp.gif
2383061
*does, dear friend
2893838 Twelve weeks later? *Checks*... Yep, still awesome.
"Trixie hits a switch making the wagon compact again and walks into the small living quarters."
Guess she bought a "Winni-hay-go?" "Whinnie-bago?" No? No Winnebago jokes allowed?
Also, INCOMING TSUNDER-STORM!
3116990 I once rolled up the rim of a coffee cup in a contest.
I thought I won a motorhome... turns out all I did was win a bagel.
...
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! Zero no Tsukaima!
I'm suspecting that familiar summoning is illegal in Equestria and Trixie is trying to hide our guy's purpose from other ponies in fear of getting arrested.
It says terixie snappes her fingers but isnt trixie a pony
So I know this is mostly because "LolClopficplot", but why doesn't the PoV character just walk right into the police station of the first town they get to? Presumably summoning a sentient being and placing them under a binding is at the very least frowned upon. Let the police sort Trixie out and then get some actually competent help from the authorities regarding the binding enchantment.
3333638 Please go read the Piano man,It should satisfy your complaint
If only it was more aggressive.
"You are now my servant!"
"Don't make me kill you, bitch."
If that were me, then after the first time I would simply kill her in her sleep.
Come to think of it, most HiE fics' problems would be solved in the human just killed his/her problems. But then we wouldn't have a story...
3287699
Anthro
Not sure if should Like and be the one who ruins 1337 likes.... I'll stick with favorite for now.
I loved it all so far and can't wait to see what happens next.They had me cracking up throw most of it.