Slightly confusing, but certainly interesting. Only thing I have my problems with are the heavy accents (Frankfurter in this case). It's not a bad thing, it's just difficult to understand sometimes. But maybe that's just me.
2598943 Thank you. The confusing nature is part of this style of writing. I, personally, am a fan of movies and books where I'm lost until one bit of information finally lets everything else come together. (E.g.: Watchmen, The Prestige, Serial Experiments: Lain, American Gods)
You are not alone in you difficulty in understanding characters like Raze and Grandma. Raze's accent is modeled off of the Philadelphian accent which I find quite amusing in extreme cases. My editors are none too fond of them, either. Needless to say, I'm trying to tone it down a bit for later chapters. Grandma's accent is very Brooklyn sounding, and that accent gives me the warm fuzzies when spoken by someone with a cute voice. But again, I'll be toning it down.
Hope you're enjoying it, so far. The story is beginning to tighten up this past chapter and will be in a lot more focus come chapter 9. That said, I don't intend for this story to be too terribly long. I'm not trying to be Fuzzy or Somber. We already have those cats, and they're very good at what they do.
First, my own apology to those who have been waiting for this next chapter. A fun combination of real-life events and forgetfulness, all on my part, delayed its timely release. For that I am sorry.
2598943 2600082 re: Accents: Yeah, they're tough. Most everyone's used to reading the Applejack or Calamity light southern by now, but others are trickier. Sugahcube.
2627222 Well thank you so much! YAP has been working closely with me in developing skills in making engaging scenes, and I'm glad to see it paying off. I'm still holding to the "no side missions" idea of telling this story. Everything has its purpose and place.
You like Solidarity? Yeah, I think Marrow likes her, too.
Just before jumping into this chapter I thought, "I wonder how all of these characters are going to get along when they finally meet." Welp I got a partial answer. Not very well seems to cover it pretty aptly. I can't really say I'm surprised Raze has gotten himself in this situation. Too bad he was drugged, he could've made a Bond one-liner without sounding hysterical. Not that he'd be making any witty comments after being kicked in the dick *SPOILERS*
More proof-reading ahoy!
"The earth pony levitated her binoculars and focused them on said fat-ass" Magic using earth pony OP plz nerf
"(Staggering to his feet, his mouth was now dripping continuously with blood dangling off of long, thick strands of dirtied saliva.)" Does this sentence really need to be parenthesized?
" Her eyes darted around, looking for anything to use as a weapon." Spacing issue. There's a few more examples of this in the same paragraph.
“With great care and attention to detail. I mean, we don't want her escaping and tearing apart families again, do we? Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The two Fire Stones meandered over to face Raze. The Mare in the plum suit spoke. Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The ghoul pegasus was dragged off to make way for the two Fire Stones. The mare in the plum suit spoke." Self explanatory...
Considering how long this chapter was, the rarity of these mistakes has to be commended. That all said and done, I am looking forward to more so that means...
2724653 Interesting. Once again, my hard drive version doesn't have these errors while the online versions do. Pretty big goofs.
Thank you so much for doing this. It's really, really helpful and thoughtful of you.
Raze will have something snappy to say in the future. He was just having a bad day.
Fate has reasons for her telekinesis. Besides, it's not all that powerful. Too much concentration for an earth pony. She's barely able to hold and shoot a weapon with it, let alone do anything close to what Littlepip could do.
Fate's a latent telekinetic? That's really cool. She's my favorite character so far.
And no sweat. If you ever get around to Clipped Wings I'd appreciate you pointing out goofs you come across. I've gone across the chapters a few times but I always have a nagging suspicion there's those few mistakes hiding in the sea of text, you know? Same for my other stories, really, now that I think about it.
Slightly confusing, but certainly interesting.
Only thing I have my problems with are the heavy accents (Frankfurter in this case). It's not a bad thing, it's just difficult to understand sometimes. But maybe that's just me.
2598943
Thank you. The confusing nature is part of this style of writing. I, personally, am a fan of movies and books where I'm lost until one bit of information finally lets everything else come together. (E.g.: Watchmen, The Prestige, Serial Experiments: Lain, American Gods)
You are not alone in you difficulty in understanding characters like Raze and Grandma. Raze's accent is modeled off of the Philadelphian accent which I find quite amusing in extreme cases. My editors are none too fond of them, either. Needless to say, I'm trying to tone it down a bit for later chapters. Grandma's accent is very Brooklyn sounding, and that accent gives me the warm fuzzies when spoken by someone with a cute voice. But again, I'll be toning it down.
Hope you're enjoying it, so far. The story is beginning to tighten up this past chapter and will be in a lot more focus come chapter 9. That said, I don't intend for this story to be too terribly long. I'm not trying to be Fuzzy or Somber. We already have those cats, and they're very good at what they do.
First, my own apology to those who have been waiting for this next chapter. A fun combination of real-life events and forgetfulness, all on my part, delayed its timely release. For that I am sorry.
2598943
2600082
re: Accents: Yeah, they're tough. Most everyone's used to reading the Applejack or Calamity light southern by now, but others are trickier. Sugahcube.
2604133
It's alright, YAP. You know we love you! Ya jerk!
2609450
Posting good information for me, too. Love hearing feedback from other people's perspectives.
By the way, if you're not familiar, Kippershy means the Cloudsville forums: http://cloudsville.forumotion.com/t997-fallout-equestria-fertile-ground
Please, converse... and I don't mean the shoe.
2627222
Well thank you so much! YAP has been working closely with me in developing skills in making engaging scenes, and I'm glad to see it paying off. I'm still holding to the "no side missions" idea of telling this story. Everything has its purpose and place.
You like Solidarity? Yeah, I think Marrow likes her, too.
Just before jumping into this chapter I thought, "I wonder how all of these characters are going to get along when they finally meet."
Welp I got a partial answer. Not very well seems to cover it pretty aptly. I can't really say I'm surprised Raze has gotten himself in this situation. Too bad he was drugged, he could've made a Bond one-liner without sounding hysterical. Not that he'd be making any witty comments after being kicked in the dick *SPOILERS*
More proof-reading ahoy!
"The earth pony levitated her binoculars and focused them on said fat-ass" Magic using earth pony OP plz nerf
"(Staggering to his feet, his mouth was now dripping continuously with blood dangling off of long, thick strands of dirtied saliva.)" Does this sentence really need to be parenthesized?
" Her eyes darted around, looking for anything to use as a weapon." Spacing issue. There's a few more examples of this in the same paragraph.
“With great care and attention to detail. I mean, we don't want her escaping and tearing apart families again, do we? Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The two Fire Stones meandered over to face Raze. The Mare in the plum suit spoke. Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The ghoul pegasus was dragged off to make way for the two Fire Stones. The mare in the plum suit spoke." Self explanatory...
Considering how long this chapter was, the rarity of these mistakes has to be commended. That all said and done, I am looking forward to more so that means...
2724653
Interesting. Once again, my hard drive version doesn't have these errors while the online versions do. Pretty big goofs.
Thank you so much for doing this. It's really, really helpful and thoughtful of you.
Raze will have something snappy to say in the future. He was just having a bad day.
Fate has reasons for her telekinesis. Besides, it's not all that powerful. Too much concentration for an earth pony. She's barely able to hold and shoot a weapon with it, let alone do anything close to what Littlepip could do.
2731162
Fate's a latent telekinetic? That's really cool. She's my favorite character so far.
And no sweat. If you ever get around to Clipped Wings I'd appreciate you pointing out goofs you come across. I've gone across the chapters a few times but I always have a nagging suspicion there's those few mistakes hiding in the sea of text, you know? Same for my other stories, really, now that I think about it.
2886952
Thanks a bunch!
I'm not entirely sure yet, but I'm aiming for around 30. Varying lengths, of course.