"That was really impressive magic." Twilight said, referencing the Patronus. Can you teach it to me?
"Are sure Twi"? Harry asked, concerned. "It's a really complex spell, the Patronus Charm, and I wouldn't want you to get too tired."
"Of course I am!"
"Okay okay. I'll teach you."
"Yay!"
A few Hours Later:
(P.S: Now it's the few minutes before Princess Celestia raises the sun)
"Okay Twilight. Ready to practice the Patronus Charm?" Harry was standing next to an old trunk, which had a boggart in it, ready for Harry to open it so it could turn into a Dementor.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"Okay then...." Harry then opened the trunk, and the boggart, already changed into a Dementor, flew out. It then glided to where Twilight was. Twi focused, trying to get the spell to work.
"Uhhhh..." Twilight groaned as she strained. Then, CRACK! Harry had whipped out his wand and turned the boggart into a balloon, which deflated and flew back into the trunk.
Harry and Twilight, both tired, flopped onto the bed in Twilight's room. Harry was going to have to share her bed, but he didn't mind at all
"How was that for a first lesson?" Twilight bragged.
"You didn't even do anything." Harry pointed out.
Twi didn't respond.
"I'll introduce my friends to you when we get up Harry." Twi said.
"How do you know my name?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Don't you know about your book series?" asked Twilight.
"Never mind. Add showing it to me to the To-Do-List."
Then, Harry not bothering to take his glasses off, they both fell asleep.
not to be a dick but, i mean its hard to read with all of the spaces and shit. not to mention you uploaded only 550 words with two chapters. I also had a lot of trouble following it when reading. I think the idea is brilliant, but without proper writing skills and thought development this will turn out to be garbage. I recommend taking it down scrapping it and starting over. Focus on adding a lot more detail to the story.
215956 agreed this has allot of potential just needs some more work
215956 Don't worry. I'm writing more as my brain thinks of more stuff to put in.
215956 in some cases i agree. Some times you can't read it, ill fix that
619289
could you pull this through Spell-Check and listen to the story so you can get a picture of what the story is like?
As promising as the story may be, as an idea; but it half by half reads as an unfinished draft.
Maybe these issues are reflected in your poor reception?