One Trip We Didn't Plan

by That Pegasus Over There

We're not in Mississippi anymore...

One Trip We Didn't Plan

It was just a normal day in a Mississippi forest. I was on a hike with my local Boy Scout troop. Before I get to the hike though, those reading this probably want to know what the hay Boy Scouts is and who I am. Boy Scouts a group of guys that go camping and do outdoors stuff like fire-bulding and knot-making. We have a 20+ group of guys that come together under an adult leader to go on trips that we normal couldn't go on in a city. Let me also say I'm a nerd. I'll be the first to admit it. I play the classic MMOs and I do the role-play games. I sound like a typical nerd right? Well... Truth is, I am. And because I'm the class nerd, Boy Scouts is usually the highlight of my month.

I was with my friend Kevin when we decided we would go on ahead of everyone else so we wouldn't be waiting on anyone. We decided to head off the trail and hike down the river. Thankfully, the river was low and there weren't too many fallen trees blocking our path. There were, however, lots of rocks we could jump on.So what did two boys in their teens do? We jumped from rock to rock thinking we were ninjas or playing Assassin's Creed 3. We were different high schools, but we were at the same grammar school since fourth grade. The hike went smoothly enough and we stopped in a rockier part of the creek to have our lunch of MRE's. Mine was Macaroni and Chili. Unfortunately, my heating packet didn't work, so I ate it cold. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. After our meal we decided to go find the primitive trails in the park and hike the 2-3 mile hike. The trails were barely more than a cleared path. It also didn't help that the trails went up and down the hills like crazy. That 2-3 mile hike felt more like a marathon. I think I need to get in better shape. We found ourselves slipping multiple times just to get down a hill. We stopped about an hour later to catch our breath and Kevin and I started talking.

"Hey Doug, you have your phone right?" Kevin said.

"Yeah, why?" I responded.

"You know what Time it is?"

"About...1430."

"Thanks."

We sat in silence for a few moments catching our breath until he said:

"Is it true you watch My Little Pony?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Yes, its true. I'm a brony. I watch the show, I read the fan fiction, and I look at the fan art. A typical run-of-the-mill brony.

"No reason..." Kevin said. We sat there for a few moments.

"You ready to go?" I asked.

"Yeah, we need to finish by 1600, so let's get going."

We got up, I got my unnecessarily large pack and started going. Before I continue my story, let me go over my pack. It comes in handy later in my adventure. It was a regular light green hiking pack that kinda looked para-military. It held my First Aid kit, black hoodie, my USMC sweatshirt, my extra T-shirt, extra socks, a pair of jeans, an apple, cup, utensils, rain poncho, space blanket, and a few other bits and bobs. It was warmer than we expected when we were driven to the forest. I expected it to be much colder-like in the 30's or something. It was January and I could wear a T-shirt and be comfortable. In fact that as just what I was wearing. Actually, three T-shirts, pajama pants (they make for great long johns without being too hot, but still providing warmth), official BSA pants, boots, a boonie hat, my bullet necklace, an emergency whistle, and my pocket knife. One could say I was prepared for anything. Except I wasn't.

As Kevin and I were walking down the hill toward a creek, just a normal hill like any other with just a normal creek at its base, I slipped. It wasn't a normal slip either, It was a full wipeout. Before I knew it, I took Kevin out with me. I slid right into his legs. It was pretty funny actually. Except that we hit the creek hard. I blinked. Kevin was on top of me. He told me about what I expected to hear:

"Doug! Warn me next time you do something like that!"

"Yeah, yeah... It's not like I intentionally did it..."

He got off of me and looked around. The forest looked more dense now. In fact it didn't even look like the same trees.

"Uhhh Doug, do the trees look different to you?"

"Yeah, yeah they do..."

I've seen these kind of trees before. I'm pretty sure I saw it in-

"Hey its snowing! Look snow!" Kevin shouted.

And sure enough there it was. Snow. Snow everywhere. We don't see snow a lot in the Southern US. So for us it's a big deal.

"You're right... Kevin, did we pass out?"

"I don't think so..."

We got up and started looking for the trail. We didn't see it. The sun was about the same place in the sky as it was before we slipped. Okay, before I slipped and took both of us out.

"Doug... check your phone."

I unslung my pack and pulled out my phone. The phone read 1444, but the peculiar thing was that the phone said it was charging.

"Kevin, come here... Get a look at this..."

He came over and his eyes widened.

"You have any idea why its charging?"

"No." He replied.

"Well..." I said. "I don't think we're in Mississippi anymore."

"Where the hell are we then?" He asked.

"You remember that show I watch..."

"Yeah... Wait don't tell me-"

"I think we're in Equestria now."

And with that he just looked at me. The thoughts he was having were probably along the lines of 'You've got to be kidding me.'

"And from the looks of it, we're probably in Everfree forest..."

"How could you possibly know where we are?!" he yelled. "Its not like we could just be teleported to another dimension!"

"You'd be surprised..." I looked around. "Well there are two things that tell me we're in the Everfree..." I said calmly. "One: there are only two forests mentioned in the show, that I know of; and two: that because the trees have leaves we must be in the Everfree." and with that he he just stared at me. "Whitetail woods gets its leaves knocked off..."

"How do you know we're even in the show?" He asked still clearly agitated.

"Well-" before I could finish we heard a roar, and smelled the worst smell I've ever smelled in my life.

"Oh shit... Timberwolves..." I squeaked.

"What?"

"TIMBERWOLVES!! RU-U-U-U-N!!!" and with that I started running, which isn't easy to do in boots with a heavy pack on. Kevin caught on once he saw them. He quickly caught up to me.

"Wha-... whats the... plan?" he asked.

"RUN!"

Luckily we found a path. It kinda looked like the trail from the Running of the Leaves race.

"THIS WAY!" I screamed before running toward what looked like stands. As it turns out, they were stands. I ran up the stands to get a height advantage. I knew we couldn't outrun them forever. I pulled out my tiny pocketknife knowing it probably wouldn't do me any good.

"Up Here!"

Kevin quickly came up and got out his knife. It was a lot bigger than mine. Must be compensating for something. We dropped our packs on the top bench as the wolves started to come up. What happen next all I can really describe as a lot of kicking and attempted stabbing. My knife didn't help me at all; so, somewhere in the fight, I had slipped it in my pocket. We ended up beating the timberwolves off... For now. The worst we were injured was some cuts and bruises. I had a particularly nasty splinter on my palm after I pushed a timberwolf away. Timberwolves really aren't as bad as the show makes them out to be. Kevin and I got out out our First Aid kits and treated our battle wounds. We had gauze and Band-Aids all over us. We looked like we had just come from a Fight Club and lost... That or a hospital. Either way we were still sore. So, we just sat and drank the water we packed with us.

It was getting late. We had no shelter, save for the benches. It was below freezing. I had gotten my black hoodie and put it on while Kevin took my USMC sweatshirt. We came to the consensus that one would have to sleep while the other stood watch. Then, it hit me.

"Kevin have we tried using our whistles yet?" I asked.

"You know what, we haven't... You want to do the honors?"

"Sure." I then pulled the whistle out from around my neck and blew. Hard. I must've woken up every animal on this side of the woods. I continued blowing the whistle every ten or so minutes. Nothing came.

It was dusk now and no help had come. We decided that in the morning we would continue our hike toward some kind of civilization. Then they found us. Two ponies... No, a pegasus and an earth pony. Two I knew from the show were looking at us with confusion. It was Carrot Top and Fluttershy. Kevin and I just looked at each other.

"What are you?" Carrot Top asked us.

I spoke up before Kevin could say anything.

"Humans. We're... humans."

They looked at us like they had just found the scariest thing in existence. We probably were. Two bipedal beings in a world where most things walk on four legs. Must be some culture shock or something. We could easily see them panicking.

"I'm going to guess there's stor-" I was cut off.

"RUUUUUUNNNN!!!" Carrot Top screamed as she took off. Damn she's fast. I wish I could run like that. Fluttershy just put her head on the ground and covered it with her hooves.

"What'd we do?" Kevin asked.

"I think ponies must have scary stories about humans." I answered.

Fluttershy spoke up, "P-p-please d-d-don't e-eat me...."

"Fluttershy, why would we eat you?" I asked.

"Well... b-bec-c-cause... there are l-le-g-gends..."

"About humans eating meat?" She nodded. I thought I may as well get this touchy subject out of the way now. "I hate to tell you, but those legends are true."

And with that she went wide eyed with fear. Then I spoke up, what I thought, were words of reassurance before she could say anything.

"We aren't going to hurt anybod-pony... We just need to find a way to get home." As much as I wanted live out the rest of my life in Equestria, I had a life back home. I would have been perfectly happy, except for the fact that ponies were scared to death of me. That, and my troop and family must be worried sick about me. I hate to make them worry.

"o-o-ok-k-kay..." she squeaked. She clearly didn't believe me.

Then I heard what could only be described as an angry mob approaching. I could see lights in the forest. It looked to be magical lights and fire. The first thought that popped into my head was 'Great now we have a mob after us... Can this get any worse?'

"Fluttershy," I started, "would you be so kind to ask the angry mob of ponies to, oh I don't know, not kill us?"

I looked over at Kevin. He looked like he has passed out. Poor guy. It was a wonder I hadn't passed out yet. Lord knows I should have. What with the hike and the fight, we were lucky to be alive, let alone awake.

Fluttershy answered me, "s-sure. I g-guess..."

And with that I decided all I could do was wait. Fluttershy went off to ask the angry mob of ponies to 'not kill us'. I should have said 'not hurt us'. Hopefully there were no lawyers in that crowd who would find that loophole. I hate finding loopholes that other people can exploit after-the-fact. I found myself drifting off to sleep soon after. I rested my head on my bag and fell asleep. In hindsight, that was a really bad decision.

Author's Note:

Don't know when I will be able to post again. Kinda have school 'n stuff. :/

Revised this a little bit. Probably not much better. But hey, its better than not putting anything up right?

Comments

[Daxn]

Punctuation errors, punctuation errors everywhere, and... well, first or late someone will say at you that your character is a Mary Sue, and this isn't an appreciation (http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/mary-sue here for info)

Btw, ze looks good, fix that errors and it's fine, and... next time try to disguise it more and do it in third person, because usually in first person isn't that easy to do.

Check out mine if you wish: i doesen't have great grammar, but storywise ( and write wise ) is basically what do you need .

[macoman1]

Even the title has a typo in it......This does not bode well.

[River Song]

Timberwolves are apparently the new manticore.

You spell Rainbow Dash correctly and then at the beginning you mash it into one word. Fix that.

Either only give us military time or standard time, not both.

The aside about MRE's is pointless.

Rainbow Dash is severely out of character. She wouldn't run away, especially not when she'd leave Fluttershy. She is the Element of Loyalty after all.

Either cuss or don't. Starring out the swear is amateurish.

The aside about YES YOUR NAME IS DOUG is also pointless. There is no one else in the scene aside from Kevin. We can tell.

The aside about you not being gay is also entirely pointless.

And fix that title. I was expecting gold panning and got nothing of the sort.

All in all you've made a dull, forgettable HiE fic. Like all the other HiE fics.
(´･ω･`)

[Jewbacca]

Unless this is '49 and "Story" is an old Chinese word for "Gold," I'd say that the title has a typo.

[Jewbacca]

Okay, let's look over this mangled body of a story.

For starters, the first thing that caught my attention was the constant use of author's notes scattered around the story, whether defining "MRE" or separating the 24-hour clock from the 12-hour clock as if we're fucking dumbasses. I mean, sure, not everyone notices it...but do you have to make it so important that it needs to be put in to break the consistency of the story?

Swearing, while you might think it adds "suspense" or "emphasis" to dialogue, you truly must realize that it just makes you look like an annoying twelve-year-old, no offense if you are of that age, that feels like it makes them cooler.

Trust me, I walked down that path and it didn't go well. I mean, certainly an occasional "hell" or "damn" is all right, but its output ratio shouldn't be too close. I have two crossovers that use such language, one based off of Metroid and one based off of Red Dead Redemption. A game like RDR, like any Rockstar game, has some swearing in it, the official manga of Metroid (This should be an English dub, as the original was in Japanese) contains a fair amount of swearing between the character I use, Ridley. Also, either use the full word or just use asterisks (The *'s) for everything, it looks pointless.

Your use of onomatopoeia disgusts me. Don't use aforementioned symbol, italics usually emphasize it better. Example:

Bad: He sweated as he diffused the bomb, he cut the wrong wire, and it made a loud *boom!*.

Good (At least for my standards): A bead of sweat found its way down his cheek as he squatted over the device. Shakily-though-precisely moving the wire-cutters over, he began to check the varying blues, greens and reds. He snipped the red wire.

A few turned around as they heard a loud HRAAACKOOOM!

Also, don't paint the one thing that annoying middle-schoolers usually denoted the fandom as, I know what that's like, but pointing it is unnecessary.

Grammar and spelling I can't really help you out, there, just pay attention in English, 'kay? Also, though making it vague, please explain what the Boy Scouts are, as not everyone here is from the United States of America, some are from Britain and other countries and may not be aware of it.

River pointed this out, too. Rainbow Dash is very out-of character, she is very stubborn, and cocky in the sense that she doesn't back down from anything. Also, she would never abandon Flutters or anypony in that matter, as she represents the Element of Loyalty.

"Wha *breath* ts *breath* the *breath* plan?" he asked.

This makes me want to wound you with something very blunt, covered in human fecal matter and lit on fire. Going back to onomatopoeia, this needs to be completely reworked, here's how you would fix it:

"Wha-...What's the...plan?" he panted.

Now, ain't that just great? A little bit of effort can go a long, long way.

Now, there's more errors, but if I were to give this a straightforward rating, I'd probably give it a maximum of 3.5/10.

In other words, you need some help, boy.

[That Pegasus Over There]

2008879>>2008575>>2008682Thank you the criticism is much appreciated. I know it sucks, I just wrote it without any planning... Oh well... Grammar was never my strong point. To be honest I wasn't expecting to story to get this many views already, so I'm just happy its seen. But again, thanks for the criticism.

[AnAnonBrony]

I can see the ideas in here. I know that this could be a great story.

It all comes down to the age old writing principle: Show, don't tell.

The lack of scenery and event description make this all feel so rushed. Slow down, pace yourself. Show us what's going on inside the character's head--what they're feeling, what they think about the events occurring. I know you can write this into a great story, but you have to slow down and elaborate the scenes to bring the reader into the place of the character, to share their experiences. Minor details make a story!