The Outsiders

by Caleb Roy

The Message

"To all empires fighting the Universal War, This is the Planet Armonia. We ask for your services, your services to defeat the Dragononian menace which has so quickly befallen our Armonian races. If you come to our aid, and protect us, and give us freedom, then we will gladly join the name of your glorious empire, helping you to victory. Please come quickly, we need your aid."- Message to all 42 major empires

It had been 11 months since the Dragononian occupation. Eleven months of slavery, death, and suffering for all Armonians, but with this-- this Dragononian intel, it seemed that Armonia might become the loving planet it once was. With this intel, it seemed Hope had risen, Hope had come once again, Hope.

After acquiring the intel from the Dragononians, Armonians immediately started to spread the word, with secrecy and intelligence. All over, Armonians were getting the news of the Dragononian's war with over 42 separate empires, which, for some reason, was a good thing. The one situation which had to absolutely get settled was which empire. There were over 42, giving Armonians a really good list, but this also gave Equestrians tons of options which meant particularly more time. All Armonians know that no matter ever gets settled in a day, especially in Armonia. It was quite ironic, a loving land could never seem to agree. I digress, however. Each day that we, as Armonians, waited would mean harsher and harsher punishments on our planet as a whole. The punishments were getting harsher and more enforced too. One punishment for the Pegasi Pony Equestrians was to be tied by the wings to a tree, and then to have a Dragononian slowly pull the Pegasi down until their wings were practically pulled off, and then they would waterboard the Equestrian until the Equestrian could no longer breathe, and finally, to finish the punishment up, they would burn the poor thing alive slowly. Something had to be done quickly, but Armonians did not want to bring upon themselves an empire the same or even worse as the Dragononians.

As time passed, our group, True Royal Army of Armonia, decided upon a deadline for the choosing which would be up within one month. The deadline went basically like this: the top three choice empires at that time, would be chosen as the empires to send the Armonian invite to, basically, come to war. From there, fate would decide. To the True Royal Army of Equestria, the plan seemed perfect.

Twelve days into the plan, something horrible happened. Me and Braeburn were going out to mine the mineral fields in Ponyville. Just as we were heading out, we noticed a commotion building up in the center of the city. This was very unusual because normally if any Equestrian did this, they would be, well, punished. Me and Braeburn knew something very important was taking place today. Getting lost in the crowd, we looked up to see the dreaded hanging and burning posts. Upon them were two human Dragononians and one Dragon Dragononian who was the Firemaster (the name given to the Dragononian executioner). Immediately the Firemaster spoke, and immediately every Equestrian shut up.

"The Dragononian Empire does not take kindly to traitors", the Firemaster barked with a horrendous, maniacal voice. "Nor do we tolerate them...You see when someone breaks the law in the Dragononian Empire, there is normally no mercy" he stammered with a voice that could rip the flesh from your measly bones. "First we give you kindness...IS NOT THAT WHAT YOU EQUESTRIANS BELIEVE IN!!!!!" he screamed, and every Equestrian flinched. He paused letting his words sink into our souls so deeply we almost drowned. "If you will not be thankful to us..." he spoke again after what seemed like eternity, "Then you will see what will happen..." he finished, and then stopped again. "Bring up the traitor!" he squealed.

Me and Braeburn looked up to see who this so called "Traitor" was, and we noticed, through all the torture and vile things that this poor Armonian had gone through, that it was one of the squad mates who had gotten shot in the leg when our squad was making our heroic escape. Me and Braeburn turned to each other...horrified.

"Tie him to the stake" the Dragon Dragononian barked to his two human Dragononian comrades. The two human Dragononians immediately did what was asked, but they did it in the roughest way they could. "Now... this is what happ--"

"You villainous losers...I hate you!!" some girl changeling yelped from the crowd. No Equestrian in the crowd said anything, but you all knew what they were thinking.

"GRAB THAT OTHER TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!" the Dragon Dragononian fused with anger, and the two human Dragononians rushed to the Changeling girl, and hit her so hard, you could hear the villainous crack of the skull. They then dragged the poor thing up to a hanging pole, but were stopped. "WAIT!!! Tie that girl to that pole right there!" he barked, and then he whispered something to the one of the human Dragononians after which the human Dragononian left. The Dragon Dragononian then grabbed the changeling girl by the chin and whispered just loud enough for the crowd to hear, "I'm going to make an example out of you." He then went to the first prisoner and said, "This is what traitors deserve!", and then he pulled out his pistol and shot the prisoner. Simple as that. Blood started to ooze from the penetrated skull of the now dead prisoner, and the entire crowd fell ghastly silent. It seemed like an eternity before the human Dragononian came back with something which read "flammable". The human Dragononian then gave the Dragon Dragononian the canister, and walked back to his position near the new, poor changeling girl, now secured in her bonds. The Dragon Dragononian then said, "Gag this one so that we don't have to hear her annoyingly, incessant screams". The two human Dragononians gagged the changeling girl, and moved back to their positions near the pole. "Now", crackled the Firemaster's voice, "Do it... Show Equestrians what happens to traitors". With that, the two human Dragononians poured a liquid from the canisters, and then they lit a match...and----and they burned this hero...to death.

Me and Braeburn stood there for a while,watching the poor heroes body become a mass of charred ashes. Eventually, we were all forced to leave by the Dragononians. We went to work in the minefields where we met Spike. He told us that there was going to be an urgent meeting tonight. We replied that we would be there, and remained silent for the rest of the day.

When night fall came, me and Braeburn with Apple Bloom snuck out of the house after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting. First, we headed to the corner of Bon Bon's house. I peeked my head over the corner to tell everyone to be ready to move. Turning my head slowly, so as not to be seen, I saw two guards waddling over to a stationary Dragononian Tank. The guards then started talking to the Top machine gunner. Both of them started to laugh, none of them noticed us. We sprinted over to Silver Gold's house. As we rushed into the alleyway, I heard some very loud footprints, followed by a loud thud. I then heard someone start to say, "Please stop hurting me. Please." Then, two others said, "Hush now, Hush... we're only going to kill you." At this, I thought that it must be Dragononians, but as I turned the corner, I found that there were two Armonians, one a Changeling, and one a Pegasus Colt. They were both hurting a poor Griffon girl. I was furious. I wanted to charge in there and attack them, but then I remembered I had Apple Bloom, and so I couldn't. I remembered those two Dragononians though, and I must say that it was at times like these that I was glad for this empire and their martial law. I turned to Braeburn.

"Braeburn, watch Apple Bloom, while I go over and get those two guards we saw."

"What? Are you crazy? Big Mac, we are trying to sneak out of here, why would you do that?"

"Look! That girl over there is being robbed, and might even be killed! I have to go, and risk it."

"We can take them... let's just do tha--"

"No! I can't risk that on us, Apple Bloom, or anyone else... Look, I know you're worried, but we will think of something, now let's go". At this, I quickly rushed to the guards, and yelled to them for help.

"What is it?", one of the guards snapped back, "Why aren't you at home?" he finished.

"Quick! Some Armonian is being beat up over there... a griffon... I think the culprits are going to kill her...Quick!" I shouted with a demanding voice.

"Quick, Someone is being hurt let's go", the Dragon Dragononian snapped to his human Dragononian companion. He then turned to the machine gunner on top of the tank, and told him to be ready in case they needed back-up. We all rushed to the site, where we found the Changeling and the Pegasus holding the Griffon to the wall, about to slice her throat.

"Stop right there!!", The Dragononians shouted, "Right Now!!". Immediately, the two dropped the Griffon, and started to run.

"Stop or we will shoot!", the human Dragononian shouted. The two didn't stop.

"Go silent and aim", the human one said to his comrade. They both flicked something on their weapons, aimed down their respective sights, and fired. The Changeling and Pegasus dropped, blood spurting out of their bodies.

"Alright, Lets go collect those bodies and get out of here". They started to go, but turned around to us. "As for you, you need to go back to where you live, and don't let us catch you out here again". They then turned to go collect the bodies, and we turned around and started to jog out of there. As we neared the house where we originally started, we again saw that tank, still plopped there waiting for anything big to happen. It had one spotlight at the front, but the spotlight was not moving...yet.

"Okay, listen up", I turned to Braeburn and Apple Bloom. We need to rush past that tank, but we need to do it quick, so when I say go, we run got it.", I turned to them for a reponse.

"Got it", said Braeburn. I nodded, and waited.

"Ready...set...". Just as I was about to say go, a Dragononian helioplane flew by with a spotlight brighter than the sun. My heart started to pace a million miles a minute. The thing continued to fly by, again out of sight. I wasted no time this time. "Go", I said, and we went. We made it all the way to the Everfree Forest the rest of the way without any other mishaps. We dodged a few guards, and nothing else major happened. We entered the Everfree Forest.

The Everfree Forest was a specially dangerous place at night, and especially now with the frequent Dragononian patrols which happened because the forest was a perfect hideout. I believe there was something else, though, that the Dragononians were hiding. Anyway, at first, the way there was going smooth. Except for the faint howl of Timberwolves, which Apple Bloom was terrified of, we made it without a scratch. When we made it to Gorshen Bog, an area infested with Dragononian Snipers for some reason, things really got close. As we passed Zorin Pond, a faint bark started up. Then I heard a growl. Looking into a bush where the growl was coming, I saw two glowing eyes open up. "Timberwolve", I thought, but it was to late.

The Timberwolve tackled me to the ground, trying to dig its razor-sharp claws and teeth into my neck. I only held it back with my hoofs, but the thing was way too strong for even me. Apple Bloom started to scream, as Braeburn went to help me. We both knew this was bad. I would rather take a Timberwolve than a Dragononian sniper anyday. Braeburn, then, had to rush back to Apple Bloom, and quiet her. The Timberwolve raised its claws and thrashed at my muzzle. It hit me one time, leaving a gash across my right side of my face. I felt the blood trickle down my face, but the adrenaline kept me going trying to fight this beast.

Again, it tried to attack me only this time it tried to dig its mouth into my neck. It was only an inch away from digging its foul smelling mouth into my neck when Braeburn hit the thing upside the head, knocking it back in a whimper of emotion. It regained its strength quick though and rushed back, this time at Braeburn. Braeburn, however, was prepared, and hit the thing right in its stomach, and then using his wrangling skills, he threw it into the mucky water near us. It was angry.

Full of mud, and other things which lurk in a bog, it started to climb back up to us. Then it looked at Apple Bloom. "NO!", I thought, "Not her". I started to scramble over to AppleBloom to protect her with my life. The thing, knowing this was my weakness, laughed. I swear it laughed. It was just at the edge of the pond, just about to leap to try to kill me and Apple Bloom, when a tentacle from the pond, grabbed it by its legs, and dragged it deep, deep, deep into the mucky beyond. The thing started to sink, and then it was gone, eaten by whatever grabbed it.

"Okay... let's get out of here... I have had enough of this", I said. I picked up Apple Bloom, turned to Braeburn who was fine, and we started to get out of there. Just as we were about to penetrate back into the final area where we were only a few miles off from our meeting place, a bullet whizzed into a tree not two feet from Braeburn. Splinters went flying out of it. Then another bullet knicked a piece of my mane straight off. I ducked for cover.

"Sniper!", Braeburn yelled.

"Obviously", laughed Apple Bloom. This was not a time to laugh.

"Braeburn keep your head down, and when I say rush... we rush. As for you Apple Bloom, do not, I repeat DO NOT lift that head of yours up for one second, do you understand?", I finished. They both gave their respective yes, and, as bullet particles, and tree parts, and muck was flying everywhere, I screamed RUN!

We all sprang up, and sprinted so fast to the cover of the woods, that I thought my heart was going to explode. It didn't. Just as we were two feet from the cover, I heard a loud KABOOM! Turning around, I saw the place we were not ten seconds ago blow up in a flash of heat, shrapnel, flames, and cordite. The Dragononians really didn't want anybody up there. Anyway, we made it nonetheless. The rest of the trip was smooth. It was smooth.

Finally, after who knows how long, we saw the building we were to meet at. It was an old, abandoned emerald mining facility used during the great Pony-Griffon War. It was nice for being really ancient. I'm surprised it still stood. Anyways, we went inside.

When we entered, after revealing the passcode which was "SUN" spelled with your hoofs or claws, I brought Apple Bloom to a spare room, and let her sleep. I then went over to where Spike, and a few others were discussing sudden events.For a while we discussed the matter of the event which had just recently transpired today. We also learned of many other executions which took place all over the planet not just in Ponyville. We must have discussed for what seemed like an eternity before some one brought up the intel.

"Listen up every Equestrian!! Why are we arguing about this topic of the executions when we should be arguing about what to do about it, and what to do about the intel gathered a few months or so ago." Doctor Hooves suggested this.

"Listen, Dr. Hooves... we can not decide upon an event as humongous as that, without first deciding who to pick. Now lets get back to the exe--"

"What the executions!? Listen, if we continue to babble like this, then so many others will be executed, we need to decid--"

"To decide?! Doctor Hooves, I don't believe you realize the shear statement to which you are trying to undertake... WE KNOW NOTHING...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about these other empires, except for the fact that they want planets... Do you seriously think that we should just go out, and invite everyone hear... Think about it, would you invite someone you didn't know to your home? Of course not, and so we must not make this decision too hastily."

"Oh really," replied Dr. Hooves, "and what will happen if we never try, we are discovered, and then we are all executed... or what if the Dragononians really do get the elements? What about then? WE ARE WASTING TIME!! We must act now for the sake of all of Equestria!".

Out of the boiling argument, my cousin Braeburn interrupted.

"I, for one, agree with Dr. Hooves. I mean it is true... do we seriously want to waste time, what if our time is almost up, and we don't even realize it... I mean Celestia never told us where she was hiding the elements just that she was. We must act now." After Braeburn finished, Lyra jumped in.

"Braeburn, that's crazy... do you not realize that if we do this, we are inviting empires to which, if they win, they could enslave all of us or worse... I mean what if those empires called the Wreckless win, what then?"

"Yes, but you saw their goals... they only destroy/infect those planets who do not supply ample supplies or who rebel against them, and their government seemed alright in all of our sights plus what if someone like the Brainiac Corps win? Then we will really be in for a great, healthy thriving empire... and what if somehow we are able to take our planet back, then we will rule, and be safe from these outside forces... We need to act now!"

The argument continued. Doctor Hooves and those that supported him were pushing their ideas against Lyra and those that supported her. We were practically getting another full grown war on our hoofs, and we hadn't even finished this one. This argument had us practically choking each other, and, if not for the random interruption of Spike's letter, we probably would have killed each other.

"BURP!" Spike broke the uncalmness with the receiving of a message from Twilight herself. He opened it and read.

"Dear Spike, You must act quick. The Dragononians are doing horrendous things over here in Canterlot, and they are torturing Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, and a heap of other dignitaries. We believe they found the elements recently because they are moving all of us to somewhere in Griffoni. Spike, if they get the elements it is over, I really hope you are doing well over there, because it is not so good over here."

Spike ended his reading, and said, "So who still wants to wait it out?" No Armonian raised there hoof or claw. The issue was settled. The message would be sent to every empire, and there would be no turning back. We drafted a message, sent it, and me and Braeburn collected Apple Bloom, and in the stillness of the night walked home. We all went right to bed, and hoped for the best. I even prayed, something I had not done in a very long time.

Author's Note:

You do not have to read about these empires but feel free to if you need a quick guide.
Wreckless: A parasitic alien race who has the only goal of turning every living thing into practically a mindless zombie controlled only by the Overious (a gravemind if you will).
Brainiac Corps: Founded in 1952, they have been a secret organization of super-soldiers who fight for Earth and her empire. They have the highest tech armor available to the Earth (if you will) empire.
X’au Empire: An alien race consisting of two alien races together; the X’au (a more technology based alien who is excellent at ranged fire) and the Krau (a more primitive (if you will) alien race who is excellent at melee). The X’au Empire fights for (as they call it) the Higher Goal.
Knights: An empire of humans who felt the old medieval ways could be adopted with the technology of the “now”. They also felt that the Earth government was too corrupt, and so they disbanded.
Elitorians: An alien race again consisting of two distinct alien races; the Elitorians (a reptilian like creature who is a humanoid bipedal) and the Skirmisher Elitorians (a more birdlike-reptilian humanoid bipedal). The Elitorians use mainly energy weapons.
Oracles: A darker alien race who look like phantoms and whose main goal is to destroy all of God’s beautiful creation, fore mostly humans. They use many dark magic/energy weapons.
Space Pirates: Once a group of pirates who roamed the universe, they eventually came to realize that there was more gold if they could take over the universe and use it for their own profit. They consist of all types of races spanning the galaxy who all have one goal in common: Money and Profit.
Scythers: An alien race that seems to be part machine, part life. These aliens have two very sharp spikes for hands. They are very tall, a typical Scyther soldier about 13 feet in length. They also resemble a species of insect.
Dragononians: An empire consisting of both humans and dragons. This empire felt that dragons and humans could live in natural harmony and work for each other, however, other humans did not like this concept, so the Dragononian humans left the Earth Empire and started their own with dragons.
Parasites: An evil spawn of the Wreckless. This empire has the same goal of the Wreckless except that it would like to be the dominant species. The Parasites are controlled by the Overlord.
Slovanian Empire: This Empire is the empire who was founded to accept those who did not like their empire or any of the other empires. It consists solely of the other empire’s warriors/civilians who did not agree with their empire or any of the other empires.
Monsterians: This alien race is, well, a group of monsters (such as orks, dwarfs, trolls, and so forth). They hate all of the other empires, especially the Knights and Dark Knights, and would like to enslave all empires who do not conform to their whims and wishes.
Rebellion: The Rebellion is a group of all the civilians of the empires who felt that the empires did not protect them and so they (the Rebellion) had to take matters into their own hands. They succeeded in rebelling and now fight for all civilians to show them that they do a better job of protecting than any other empire.
Wraiths: This dark alien empire came from the abyss, and just as well as the Oracles, they too want to destroy all living things, all of God’s wonderful creation. They just also want to destroy the Oracles and beat the Oracles to destroying every living thing.
Guardians: These robotic, crab-looking droids were once created by an ancient empire civilization to protect, however, once the empire was destroyed in a long-forgotten war, the Guardians had no ruler, and so they believed their creators had one goal in mind… destroy all life not seen as fit to live, hence the other empires.
Psychopaths: This Empire is, well, crazy. After the Brainiac Corps, failed to protect the humans of the planet Larona (which eventually became the Psychopaths home world, Asylum), the humans of the planet went insane and formed an empire built to destroy all other empires and rule supreme in well insanity. Their armor looks like an outfit from the 1800’s England.
Fear: An evil empire that form all types of evil monstrosities. This empire, like the Oracles and Wraiths, wants nothing more but to see all of God’s creation a nightmare of evil.
Virus 3/Prototype: This Empire was a failed cure gone wrong. The Virus 1 and 2 failed and were destroyed. The Virus 3 was to be destroyed and was placed on an abandoned planet. The Virus 3, however, consumed the planet, and then made themselves an empire bent on “eating” the universe. The Prototype was a form that per say evolved out of the Virus 3, and works alongside them.
Zombrians: The Zombrians were another cure gone wrong, but extremely wrong. The Zombrian strain broke out of the lab it was in, took out all of the people within it, and then conquered the rest of the planet. The Zombrians then went on to grow stronger, and eventually made themselves an empire. They are like zombies, and they hope to conquer and destroy all life not their own.
Dark Knights: The Dark Knights was an ancient curse put upon a planet one day many years ago. During one battle, a Knight warrior was lured into the zone of the curse, and became so corrupt that he changed appearance. The beasts within the area then served him, and finally the Dark Knights started their empire growing and expanding.
Shadowans: This Empire of shadow like aliens with three red eyes and pure black skin/armor is a much unknown race, however, they have a goal, to enslave all other empires and become the richest, most powerful empire in existence.
Akrains: This Empire is excellent in melee combat. They can grow from their hands bony claws which act as three daggers. They also use a ton of acid based weaponry which can horrify many races.
Darkrons: The Darkron Empire is a race of cyborgs. They have one claw hand which can act as a knife dagger hand, and on the other is their weapon. They are dark, and have one central glowing eye. They want to enslave all empires, and make every living thing only part living, a cyborg if you will.
Trierg: These bio based monstrous creatures want everything to bow to the mighty Trierg queen. They resemble a combination of insects, reptiles, and crustaceans, but more alien looking. They are very bio weapon based.
Krotoss: This Empire is very psychically based. They cannot tell the future, but they are able to make weapons with their minds. They do not craft many energy based weapons, but instead use their minds to make weapons.
Kronokrons: The Empire mentioned here is a skeleton looking race, except for the fact that they are totally machine, and glow a bright gold. They were in the Ancient war many millennia ago, but were destroyed (or so it seemed) by the race who created the empire of the Guardians. They have been in a slumber for countless millennia until they were awoken by the Universal War. They now hope to regain their lost empire.
Kronians: The Kronians are an empire that is part metal and part flesh; they glow a dark red and their weapons shoot out an unknown red energy source. They too were in the Ancient war, but were destroyed (or so it seemed). They were then awoken by the Universal War, and, just like the Kronokrons, want their former glory.
Cyclones: The Cyclone Empire was built by a rival empire to defeat the creators of the Guardians. The Cyclones are all shaped spherical drones who have two laser guns, and who can have a sharp, unknown energy spike shoot from their “stomach” area. They were restarted and now believe, just like the Guardians, that their goal is to destroy all life not seen fit to live. They especially hate the Guardians.
The Crazed: This Empire believes that their emperor is a god. They believe that surrendering is dishonorable, and that if you surrender you must be put to death. This attitude makes others think of them as crazed maniacs, but the Crazed are in fact very intelligent. The Crazed was a group of humans who broke from the Earth Empire in the year 10012 during the War of 10000.
Revolutionaries: This empire was originally under Brainiac (or Earth empire) control. However, the Revolutionaries saw the Brainiac Corps as destructive to their planet and people. After much pleading for the Earth empire to stop treating the Revolutionaries so inhumanely and with no response but more harm, the Revolutionaries rebelled, won, and started an empire of their own against all of the other empires. They want to bring peace to the Universe. They resemble Lizard-like humanoids.
The “True” Mafia/ Black Market: Once just a group of godfathers, mafia leaders, smugglers, arm dealers, and etcetera; this empire has now come to realize that, just like the Space Pirates, there is much more wealth, riches, and favor by uniting and taking over the universe. The “True” Mafia/ Black Market united and now run their humongous empire fighting for control of the Universe.
Macaranian Wolves: Once a planet of peaceful creatures until war struck. When the first sighting of the empires was seen, the wolves of the planet saw it as their chance to take over and form an empire (after many of the anthropomorphic animals of the planet rebelled against the empires). They then used their smarts and charisma and got many of the animals to get on their side. They only had trouble with the reptilians and the foxes of the planet (as they were the only creatures who were of equal intelligence to the wolves). After much convincing, the wolves got the reptiles on their side, but they could not win over the foxes (and because of this the Macaranian Wolves despise foxes and want to destroy all of them in the universe). They still, however, got enough support and began their conquest for the planet Macarania (the home planet of the Macaranian Wolves) and for its civilians. They are now a major universal empire.
Bloodthirsters: This alien race is an empire of shadowy origins. It uses “little bug looking aliens” to implant an alien larvae into the host, which then comes out and begins a process of growing. They are parasitic in a way. However, they were watching the war since the First Conflict, but did not join until the Third Conflict as they felt they had to get more “evolved” if you will. They now have an untold number of warriors ready to do battle. They are extremely excellent at stealth. They also use a ton of acid-based weaponry.
Carcades: This very technologically advanced empire was fighting the Bloodthirsters for years. One day, when fighting with the Bloodthirster Empire, they ran into the above mentioned empires, and so with that they too joined in the bloodbath which is the Universal War.
The Psychic: This empire does not have many psychic abilities (like the Krotoss), but instead uses Psychic based energy weapons. They use very powerful energy weapons which can obliterate many objects, but do use a ton of energy. They especially hate the Krotoss (as do the Krotoss especially hate the Psychic).
Tombmind: The Tombmind is another parasitic race which showed up on the outskirts of the LINOR galaxy. They saw all the life which they could steal and so joined in the fight that is called the Universal War. They fight for the Overmind which controls all of the Tombmind’s empire.
Tazons: The Tazon Empire came out of rebellion. They tried to rebel against the Brainiac Corps on the battle of Tazonia. However, their first attempt failed and so they continued to manufacture secretly their weapons of warfare, and when the perfect chance came again, they rebelled, succeeded, and went on to create their empire.. The Tazons are now an official empire fighting for Universal domination.
Tainted: This bug race empire is a parasitic race with psychic abilities. They came into the show after battling with the Comiczars for so long.. The Tainted succeeded in becoming an empire in the Universal War, and in taking other planets from other empires.
Comiczars: This Empire is practically a giant communistic empire leaded by the Czarcon himself. The Comiczars were actually a group of humans who were lost on a long-lost mission in space during the year 2341. They were forgotten until the day they would come back during the Universal War. The Comiczars were actually in a war already with the above mentioned Tainted and with another race that would join the Universal War called the Sanctum).
Animal Alliance: The Animal Alliance (led by a crazed rabbit named Dervin Hopper) is the empire which believes that animals should reign above man (a view which goes directly against God’s commandment). The Animal Alliance is a group of all animals who do not want to follow humans, the Macaranian wolves, or any of the other empires, but instead want to be the ruling class enslaving all who are not animals. The Animal Alliance hates foxes (the foxes believe that humans are a beautiful creature and they want to follow God’s commands), and they also hate the Macaranian Wolves (they believe the wolves are taking animals away from their true potential).
Sanctum: This Empire resembles gargoyles. They are very evil and want to destroy or enslave all of God’s wonderful creation. They hate Tainted, Comizcars, and now, once they joined the Universal War, all of the other empires.
The Rogue: This Empire is made up entirely of droids and robots. The Rogue wants to get rid of all life (except for some which they will enslave). They are led by their founder Droid- C304.

Comments

[Toothless the Night Fury]

New review! Sorry I was so late to this. I got caught up with a ton of stuff, and I needed to finish it first before editing.

To all empires fighting the Universal War, This is the Planet Equestria.

First, "This" is lowercase. Second, the "Planet" Equestria? Most people think of Equestria only as a single empire or country. There perhaps exist many other empires/countries on the same planet, such as one for the griffons or for the dragons. Perhaps you can make a name of a planet, and use "Equestria, planet of [Insert Name]", or simply use...

To all empires fighting the Universal War, this is Equestria.

(including Dragononians (if they were to repent, and treat all Equestrians right).

Like I said, you don't need many of these excessive parentheses, ESPECIALLY parentheses within parentheses. There is another symbol used for that, but we don't really need this information. Simply delete it. The Dragononians wouldn't give services to fight the Dragononians.

Just a couple nit-picking things. I'm not going to do this for the entire chapter, or else this review would be too long. I just focused on those because they started the chapter, and they need to be the best. If the beginning is bad, they wouldn't want to read the rest.

I noticed many capitalization errors. "PonyVille" is spelled "Ponyville", "AppleBloom" requires a space, and other places as well. Just go through with a fine comb and fix those up, or have an editor do that.

What I believe you need the most is "Show, don't tell." You skip over so many possible scenes, and yet you simply replace it with a line of inner dialogue.

When night fall came, me and Braeburn with AppleBloom snuck out of the house avoiding being seen by all of the Dragononian guards, tanks and ect. (every empire had martial law during wartime including this one). We had a peaceful journey, and no one noticed us. Finally, we made it to the meeting place.

Instead of telling us they snuck out of the house undetected, draw out the scene for us! Show us how Big Mac and Apple Bloom stayed up late waiting for the dark of night! Show us them sneaking out of the house and trying to avoid the guards! Show how they almost get caught, but his quick thinking gets him out of the situation. More like those would really make your story more interesting.

I really wish I can go over your story with a finer comb instead of simply skimming over. Perhaps we can get together and you can upload your story to Google Docs or something. Then I can comment it up, and show you all the places where I feel you should fix up, or replace with another scene, or whatever.

But in my opinion, I believe this story needs some major reworking, and is far from being a finished product.

[Caleb Roy]

2100869 I added more to the scene you thought I should go more in depth in hope you like it... Also, ya, I made naother story called Mr. Timn the Librarain... see what you think, but that one was more for fun