All equines are familiar with the celebration of Hearths warming. The celebration of when the three tribes, their respective leaders laughing and swapping stories, the heat of their friendship chasing away the windigo's. A lovely story, just warms the heart.
Its bullshit
Before even the first dragon clutch hatched, humans lived freely in the land that is now called Equistria. They lived and laughed, loved and raised their children, and freely and happily with other towns and tribes, basking in the gift of God, who they called Elohie. Their days were spent in happiness, tending the fields and crops, to live in peace and with Elohie was enough. But one day, strangers came. Odd beings with four legs and wide eyes, some with a single spike from there heads, some with the wings of birds, the others only fur and eyes and legs. But the strangers wore strange shells that shone in the sun, and sparks of lightning and fire from the horned ones lit huts and homes ablaze. And though humans tried pleading, and when that failed, fighting, they soon found themselves in chains and iron collar.
Years passed, and humans and the terra equines toiled endlessly in the fields and mines. But while the earth only lost the light in their eyes, a spark was lit in mans. Casting aside the innocence, and with heavy hearts in leaving the way of God, humanity rebelled. With hidden caches of weapons and supplies, and ever growing army, humans struck a crippling first blow. The winged ones, who now we know as pegasi, upped the punishments of rebellion, first with only lashings, then with impalement and crucifixion. Though these methods were brutal, they seemed only to steel mans resolve.
It all came to a standstill.
Though mankind had made great strides towards freedom, the equines had begun to get the upper hand. All would have been lost, either the genocide of one people or the other, but one night. a miracle.
While she slept, the first Magi was visited by Elohie, who whispered to her The Word. In the morning, the gift of her God still ringing in her heart and mind, the Magi knelt, and began to speak. In moments, as the Words softly left her mouth, the sky began to darken, the thunder clapped. And from the swirling nymbuses, a bellowing whiney. The windagos had been summoned.
For weeks the tempest of the snow spirits blew hard upon the equines holds and keeps, and in the confusion, Man left Equistria, letting the windigos go before crossing the sea.
Many winters have passed since then. In our new home, far from the whips and greed of our brothers and sisters, we are free. Life is hard, but we weather the storm as we always have. But in the last few winters, word has reached our shores. The return of our sister Luna has caused us much joy, and the return of our sad brother Discord much heartache, and the shock of our sister Cadence has brought more joy. It is time for Man's boots to make prints in the Equines sands once, and it is time for our scars to heal.
I would fucking love this if you had an editor. I am such a perfectionist, I can't stand the mistakes.
This is almost readable. The premise, while not completely original, is interesting. However, the continuous errors in grammar, word choice, spelling, capitalization, and formatting make it a chore instead of a pleasure to read. As people have been saying on all of your stories since they first posted, you need an editor/proofreader since you can't be bothered to do it yourself. However, you have a habit of only acknowledging the comments you like, which belies a distinct lack of care about improving yourself. If I thought you were serious, I'd offer to help you out, but we both know you're not interested.
Also, for the love of Faust, if I see that "^^" again, I'm going to scream. It's okay to write a comment without it once in a while. It makes you look like a six-year-old girl who just learned how emoticons work. Okay, I'm done venting.
my favorite part
:D hehe tnx
"story which just warms", or "that", alternatively, but the comma needs to go.
It's*, and you need a period.
freely and happily what? There's no verb in that fragment.
you could change "and" to "all".
the comma between "crops" and "to live" should be a semicolon, or possibly a colon, depending on intent.
their*
"and* others", and you should add the "with" for this mention too, otherwise it feels sorta lop-sided
.
I think that's supposed to be earth ponies? also, the second half of this needs a rework to actually refer to the eyes of men, something like:
"But while the earth ponies only lost the light in their eyes, a spark was lit in those of men."
"their* innocence"
"and an ever growing"
"mans" is possessive, thus: man's
Turn that comma into a period, ending the sentence. Change the first period to a comma, and change "But" to "Then"
Windigos*
"equine's"
"sands once again, and"
One thing you need to look at is capitalization of species. Are you going to make every instance of "Man", "Equine", ect. capital or not? It's technically not correct to capitalize them, but it can be a stylistic choice for these passages of legend-style storytelling.
An odd concept. Reading on.