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When Twilight is sent with Luna on a diplomatic mission to Draconia, they quickly find themselves somewhere that doesn't appear on any map, and Luna is lost in more than one way...
Thanks to RBDash47 of Pony Fiction Archive for formatting it for submission.
Title image by Valcron
A sequel to Off The Edge Of The Map
Also, Bpendragon is doing a ramble-reading here, though it's not complete yet.
I doubt Apotheosis is famous...
Anyhow, I kinda-sorta want to make a sequel but 1) I don't have the time at the moment and 2) All I can think of for it is how messed up Luna and Tia are emotionally, which is considerably heavier than what is implied by the epilogue.
Hmm, read this a while ago and had a kind of issue. The ending seemed to be very much of a dues ex machinma. Celestia shows up and says "lol, kidding. I was behind it all the time!" and everyone just instantly forgives her. They don't get angry, or hell even mildly irked.
The real fallout would appear in the sequel, yes, if I ever get around to writing it.
The fact that there isn't serious issue in Apotheosis is A) I didn't really have room for it and B) They're both riding a weird dual emotional/divinity high. That sort of manipulation is pretty poisonous for a relationship overall though and at the very least Luna and Tia need an emotional confrontation and catharsis. On the other hand, I don't know if Twilight is capable of thinking ill about Celestia.
Sounds to me like she'd play an excellent role of an anguished mediator then! Torn between her girlfriend and adored mentor :).
Either way I'll jump at a chance to read it should you ever write it.
Also: You're horrible for teaching me new words :P. I mean, "liminality", "quiescent" and "theopneusty". It's certainly words I hadn't come across before this fic. Well, quiescent sounds familiar, but the others are new.
You're making me want to beg annoyingly for a sequel more with every mention. The thought of real consequences to the end of this story is really appealing.
I can imagine Twilight would be torn between her love of Celestia and her feelings of protectiveness toward Luna. Though honestly, I can see her having every right to be very irritated by her mentor. Knowing Twilight though, not even she knows the extent of her feelings until it all explodes at once. With her newfound power, it probably won't be a quiet and private affair, either.
Luna... I imagine she's a wreck at the moment. I mean, she's definitely stepping in the right direction, but the mare has issues. I wanna give her a hug for most of this work. I think living and being accepted in Ponyville would go a long way, though.
That was wonderful, but I hate you now Daetrin. I sat in one spot for like 6 straight hours reading (I'm a slow reader) and now I don't want to move. 
Lol, JK, anyway, it was really good, and I'd love to see a sequel if you ever wrote one. It had me interested throughout the entire story, and that is definitely something to be proud of. 5 stars, nice work. Please write a sequel, because I'd love to read it. 
too me the luna and twilight coming to terms with their relationship seems rushed, and i can undertsand how there was buildup and how life or death situations tend to accelerate relationships. But i still think it's somewhat of an akward transition from luna more or less fearing twilight to becoming her girlfriend...
otherwise, really solid story, dont like the ominous celestia comment at the end, when celestia smiles like that, some poor fool was trolled. And i think you could have an interesting sequel going for you if you ever decide to milk this ratings cow series for all its worth, i know i wouldn't complain!
Honestly, this is probably my favorite part of the entire story, with the glass-ish(?) clock, and the shifting distances. Seems so surreal, but so sensible at the same time. I know that might be a bit confusing, but that's just the way it is.
Overall, this is one of the best fics I've read, and five stars to you when I login. 
So far, I am enjoying it very much. Love the mythology you are weaving into it.
But it could be better. When I begin reading each chapter, your writing is preparing me for a long, enjoyable ride. But then, it ends. I feel as though I've missed something, like there are paragraphs and whole scenes that have been omitted. I hate to compare stories, but in my opinion, in this story I should be reading something with around the length of the chapters from End of Ponies. Which happens to be one of my favorites.
Advice I would have for you is to be more descriptive, add more content and expand on the situations the characters find themselves in. More introspection, less rushing emotions. This certainly is a good story so far, don't get me wrong. But with more work, it could become quite epic.
Of course, these are only my initial musings. We'll see how things turn out.
i feel like i saw an aliens reference here XD
anyway... i've only read the first chapter and i'm a bit puzzled about something... luna said she still love celestia? then why did i get the feeling of everything else luna did and said more or less told me she hated her guts? perhaps luna was just lying to herself to make herself feel better about something? i dunno...
an interesting chapter, i guess with enough time to think and reflect everyone would come to see more clearly on ones own actions if they have nothing else they can do. but i must admit i almost find this tozo more interesting than the rest of the char so far and i would have liked to know more about him and the people that he destroyed and why. onward to chapter 3!
yeah okay... i didn't quite understand the ending, so celestia built a machine that could control the moon for all that time luna was trapped on the moon? and what was with that memory transfer thing? i guess i'll find out in a later chapter. but on its own a few things didn't make to much sense in this chapter.
For anypony that wonders, when they are talking about Everfree Forest it refers (loosely) to the events of http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/06/story-sun-doth-not-shine-moon-doth-not.html, which is not on FiMFiction.
>That sort of manipulation is pretty poisonous for a relationship overall though and at the very least Luna and Tia need an emotional confrontation and catharsis.
Given that Luna basically got everything she ever wanted out of this, I find it easy to accept she would appreciate the ends even if she didn't like the means.
>On the other hand, I don't know if Twilight is capable of thinking ill about Celestia.
Perhaps not, but it's still got to make for an interesting shift in the power dynamic. Celestia has probably been demoted to Twilight's second favourite princess... and at the very least Celestia is no longer 100% irreplacable.
In fact, since Twilight isn't fixed to either the sun or the moon, it means she could fill in for either of the sisters.
This means there are now three pony gods, and any two of them can handle Equestria. That's got to be a big change for the Celestia/Luna relationship, although I'd imagine it wouldn't really be felt until Twilight was a lot older.
Even in the short term, It would make a Nightmare Moon scenario less likely by virtue of having someone else to talk to... and any kind of war/major disaster/etc would probably be more likely to see a little direct 'divine intervention'.
I especially liked the word puzzles with the hungry winds. That was entertaining to try and work out.
Thanks for that! I had to look up ouroborus myself. It's actually misspelled in this story, oroboros is the correct spelling, but it's such an old word that it might have several spellings.
Well, there are a couple things that go along with this. Is Twilight's new status going to be kept fairly quiet, or shouted across the lands? Just because she's a goddess doesn't mean she has any political clout at all. Or any desire for politics, for that matter.
Also, the ponies who point and say "That proves unicorns are better." aren't going to have nearly as much credit if Twilight publically denounces them at every turn.
I LIKE THIS STORY BECAUSE OF REASONS.
I really do love it. I liked 'Off The Edge of The Map' so much, and this was just as great. Absolutely wonderful! I could imagine Twi getting tired of being a diving being and being able to see auras and such, though. I hope there's more, or maybe a sequel? :3
And when Celestia talked about her vacation, I instantly thought she'd visit the old palace of her childhood.
Technically, being the apprentice/protege of the goddess of ponies probably gave her some sort of official political ranking anyway. She is technically more important than any individual nobleborn.
In any case, -puts on J. Jonah Jameson outfit- I NEED SEQUELS. SEQUELS OF PONIES.
Apotheosis is my crack, it is the best TwiLuna out there, and a shout out to the ages of fanfiction when TwiLuna was more common and at its best. Need more...
As for the quick resolution of their relationship's beginning, I don't feel it was rushed as part of the story, so much as it was just rushed in-continuity. It didn't need six chapters when it's obviously being kind of forced upon them during the point their feelings would still be developing and too awkward to discuss openly. It was very understandable. Besides, it was only quick to -get them together-, they still have to work out how they go about their daily lives and handle their new responsibilities.
Also, I believe Twilight can easily make herself an alicorn at this point. The level of godhood here isn't so much "really powerful and immortal" as it is in reference to a true Fantasy-level godhood. Luna can split dimensional boundaries between the physical and the abstract, for goodness sake.
But yes, please. Continue this. Continue it hard. And before any other pairings in this continuity, like Rarijack or Pie-Pie or something. If we're being pushy, blame yourself for being such a good writer and leaving us wanting so much more. Best compliment I can give, honestly, considering all I do all day and every day is read ponyfics.
I'm glad that you liked it :) And yes, my idea of godhood is probably different than most people's. They are transcendentally powerful, but also extremely limited. None of them could do what Pinkie does, for example, and while Twilight can raise the sun and moon, she can't do it in the same way that Celestia and Luna do. If there's no spell that can fundamentally alter one's core nature (and I believe there is not), Twilight couldn't become an alicorn of her own accord - nor could she empower or immortalize or whatever anyone else. Of course, one of the flags that I'm waving is that god =/= alicorn. You have the dragon brothers (who are each half a god) and the ouroboros, the island god from OTEOTM, the Everfree Forest God, and now Twilight. All those gods work differently.
And yes, any continuation I do will be focused on Tia, Luna, and Twi (...though in some ways I hate neglecting the rest of the Mane cast, I'll probably have a smattering of them in there...). I've been pushing around ideas for it and it's tentatively titled "Main Sequence," but as I've said before, time restraints will probably prevent it from happening any time soon.
Haha, yes, you caught me. I wanted more of the basilisk 
But yes, on with the rest of the review.
I did not have too many issues with the rest of the story. Most problems I had were small and inconsequential. I still think you could be more descriptive and the emotions felt too rushed. I still feel this story should be longer.
But besides those small complaints, it was a very, very good read. I loved your mythology, and your take on godhood. Grammar was excellent, wording was excellent, pacing was good. Over all, a great story.
On another note, your characterization of Luna certainly changed how I write her in my stories. You are definitely right when you say she is "in a bad place" after she was freed from her banishment, and you captured that expertly.
Though many others have already stated it, and I'm sure you can intimate it from what I've said so far, i would most certainly enjoy a sequel to this. The way it ended, and the way you're treating talk of writing a third half, it's almost as if you have already decided you're going to, but you enjoy torturing us too much with this back-and-forth, might-write-it-might-not attitude. i can only hope you'll free us from this quagmire of "maybe" and throw out a definitive answer. I'll certainly be waiting for it with bated breath.
Here's the exact situation:
I really, really want to write it, and I have plenty of time to think about it - at work. That's where I read most ponyfic and make comments for the most part, but I can't write at work. Partly because I'm on mobile, partly because I'm...um...at work and while I can read piecemeal no problem, writing in that environment is difficult at best.
Right now I'm writing original fic, in an attempt to actually get some income and move away from the dead-end job that I have right now (and also because while pony is cool, it's not really mine), and I'm a terribly slow writer so I can really only do one story at a time. If some specific miracles that are lined up happen the situation may change, but it's a toss up whether for better or for worse.
I promise that if I have a burst of candy-coated awesome and manage to get a post-worthy amount done on a sequel, it'll go up. But until then it's mostly just disconnected thoughts and ponderings while I fiddle with something completely unrelated ponies in an effort to accomplish outside of pony. I have to give credit to pony for rekindling my love of writing though.
Oh, i definitely know what you mean. I am what amounts to a biological counting machine at my job. But while one hemisphere of my brain is crunching numbers and throwing together what I pass off as "work", the other side is usually churning out more interesting subjects. I find chicken-scratching notes helps quite a bit when I want to remember something for a story, but just don't have the time or the materials handy. Usually just snippets are enough to bring back the full idea. Usually.
Writing fiction commercially? Good luck. No, seriously, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to go down that road once, it's... rather rocky, and not really reliable... If you can make it work, more power to you.
Hey, don't feel rushed. We may pine and pine and pine for more right now, but mostly that's just wishful thinking given words. Good writing takes time, and you should definitely take as much time as you need. If I sounded like somewhat of an asshole in the last post, I do apologise for that.
And I can certainly relate about working on other things besides ponies. It seems I have to actually focus for me to write about something other than brightly colored horses. These things are like... heroin or something.
When you finish your original fiction, please let us know. I really enjoyed this read, because I simply ADORE the exact same concept and atmosphere that you used in this fic (Surreal, out-of-this-world journey forever changing the characters involved). For me, you struck all the right notes with this story. Even if there were some things that didn't sit right with me, I simply can't stop thinking about it and I'm simply dying to read another story with this atmosphere and vibe. I mean it, I need another story with such ethereal, mysterious climate. I shall now proceed to read OTEOTM, which I somehow didn't know of, and hope it helps my thirst somehow.
A work of art dear sir, looking forward to seeing more of your writing 
epic i finally read all my unread this was my last one now on to more reading and epic story
So... whoa. First of all.
I'm used to the Google Docs version, where you stacked multiple chapters into a single document. This feels surprisingly, almost alarmingly small. On the other hoof, this makes it far easier to comment on; it's less to keep track of all at once.
This first... well, I suppose it's always been a chapter, but I've never thought of it that way until now. This first chapter... I remember feeling fairly uncertain about when I first read it. I think, much to my shame, that if the document had ended here in the first place I may or may not have continued reading. Your style has a very... I'm not quite sure how to put it. It has an almost... clinical?...feel to it, I suppose; even though the narrators are very clearly identified and we are allowed to see inside their heads, for the most part, the story feels, especially in this first part, very objective and distant.
Don't misunderstand me, though--it works, especially here, especially for Luna, especially in retrospect. If she is trying so hard to hide herself from others, why should we as readers expect to see very much? We see enough--we see the underlying bitterness and the fear that she holds; and yet all the same Luna carries this distance about her, even from herself. As the story evolves, we see exactly why.
I hope you don't mind that I'm basically going through and depositing my thoughts on this story, chapter by chapter; I didn't have a chance to, before.
I find, looking back, that for me, personally, this chapter, and one later on that also happens to feature a... reptile, of sorts, are the most powerful.
There are close runners; but this entire story, from this chapter forward, captured my attention from the first and until I got to the end I refused to put it down, to divert my attention, because from this point forward every chapter, every event, every character, every word becomes fascinating.
At this point, to me, it ceases to be just a story and proceeds to become one of the most in-depth and deeply symbolic character studies I have ever seen. When I got here, I realized that I would enjoy this story, as long as the rest of the chapters were anything at all like this one.
And really, that's what it is: a character study, intertwined with adventurous overtones, yes, but the adventure is through Luna's own psyche--maybe?--or at least through places, things, echoes of the world that form up around her and reflect the pain she feels on the inside.
This chapter, out of all of them, hits me possibly the hardest--because Tozomuc is such a vast abyss, so much of him remains unknown, but what we learn hurts--hurts almost unbearably, and Luna understands. Luna comprehends, in a way that Twilight (and we, the readers) cannot, the bone-shattering agony of a measureless age of isolation. In a way, the basilisk also foreshadows her: he is still trapped in the desert until Luna frees him, but he has reached his conclusions, he has learned, he has understood in a way that Luna has not yet, and though he is bound in bitterness and sorrow and regret, he has accepted what he did and what he must do in a way that Luna has yet to grasp.
It is difficult to say, especially now that the fic is over and done with and you probably don't remember, how much of this is happenstance and how much of it is intentional, but though she tells a good portion of the story up to this point, Twilight still feels largely incidental. She has purpose; the story would not function without her present. But the story is so focused on Luna and told through Luna's own perspective, bitter and terrible and honestly frightening as it is, a lot of the time, especially in this chapter (although she gets better as the story continues, which is what makes me wonder how much of it is intentional) she feels like a child, standing back and watching a discussion between burdened, weary adults, knowing only that something's wrong and that she really can't help much but wishing, wishing desperately that she could.
And honestly? Seeing Twilight of all ponies in such a position is rather refreshing.
Glee, someone asking the questions to things that I agonized over when writing it!
Yes, this is in fact, a Luna character study. Every single thing is about Luna. Her various facets, and her slow reconstruction. Twilight is, as the ouroboros says, part of that pattern. In a literary sense, she's just a subset of 'what Luna needs to deal with' rather than a primary character in her own right.
Tozomuc is, indeed, a reflection of Luna, or maybe more a parallel. He was a monster, bested by Celestia, and punished with isolation. What he became - something broken and yet redeemed, though redeemed far too late - is meant as a terrifying insight. Not so much as a "my god what have I done" sort of realization, but more a "there but for the grace of god go I" sort of moment. In some ways I could have spent a lot of time on him, but I think the fact that the glimpse is brief, it makes him more emotionally compelling.
Insofar as conscious presentation of theme and symbology goes - yes, I put in a lot. I packed as much significance as I could, especially with Luna/Twi exchanges, anything and everything Scar says, and of course, the ouroboros being its weird self.
I'm a materials engineer by training. Also, it was a giant piece of clockpunk, so it seemed appropriate.
I figure I should probably keep going.
I admit, for me, personally, if the last chapter was one of the strongest, this felt like one of the weakest--and only because of my own weakness, I think; not due to any flaw in your writing. It's simply that no matter how I figure it, I can't imagine this... clock. I can't envision it. I don't, even now, quite understand what it means--and it's jarring, because while I'm not sure I'm right, never sure I'm right, I have my guesses as to what each obstacle Luna must pass represents.
This, though--this I cannot figure out. A clockwork, in this shadow-soul of the world.
I understand, in the end, what it accomplishes for Luna--I must, I think; if I were to lose my way here, the rest of the story would devolve into senselessness, and it doesn't, not for me. Tozomuc made sense, in as much as any allegory as bottomlessly-deep as this can make sense; the hungry wind, the castle of memory, the ouroboros, the spirit in the woods--they all make sense. And so I read this chapter, even now, for a third time, and I can't quite wrap my head around it.
Isolation, though--a common thread throughout these first three challenges, the basilisk, the clockwork, the hollow of the hungry wind--isolation rings true even here, and is, perhaps, the greatest hurdle that Luna must overcome. One thousand years of loneliness with only the darkest part of your heart to talk to, one learns to not trust--or perhaps, simply forgets how to trust in the first place. One can love and hate at the same time: they are not opposites; Luna loves Celestia but hates her, Luna longs for friends, for understanding, for camaraderie but cannot find it, cannot even realize that she herself is part of the reason.
It is not, and I will probably elaborate on this next chapter, until after the wind and the ash and the scathing of the shadows, when Twilight returns for her, that the mask that she has not acknowledged since the first chapter begins to break--although there are hints, subtle hints of that, even now--the donning of the persona of Nightmare Moon, and then discarding it. The power of a goddess--all the power that isolation brings, the strength born of bitterness--is not enough to prevent her from flinching, from opening, from showing that one tiny bit of weakness.
Next chapter is when things truly begin to change; but the seed of redemption for the princess is planted here, in the glass halls of the clockwork.
Here, here, here; Tozomuc's chapter is the deepest and hits the hardest, but this chapter, I think, will always be my favorite.
For one thing it is the most, pardon the terminology, abstractly literal; all of the other threats are things that can be seen, watched, followed, felt as something more than a passing, razor-sharp touch; but here, the threats in Luna's mind, the barriers between her and her deity, are shown to be what they are: shapeless, formless, meaningless things--things that cannot be perceived except by the actions they take. You cannot see the wind; cannot watch it. But you can see what it does; you can feel it as it whips the sand into your eyes and blows you off your feet and the cold cuts deeper than any knife. You cannot see depression, or fear, or anger, or isolation. But you can see what it does.
The way the words line up here is different than it was on the original Google Docs page; that may be a fault of formatting, or it may be intentional; but as far as the old format goes, I found it intriguing--the way the words branched off, two sentences, three, yet always only one. We will consume the unicorn; slowly; so you can hear the screams.
I am reminded, rather paradoxically, of Uhl Belk in The Druid of Shannara--a thing of stone that speaks only by force of will and magic, whose voice lacks any and all emotion and because of that it contains more malice and hatred and disdain than any inflected voice ever could.
And it is here, here, for the first time, that Twilight is treated--to me--as a character and not an extension of Luna, as her own being and not an obstacle for Luna to overcome. Here she stops being the uncomprehending child: here she stands up on her own four legs and takes the situation into her own hooves--and saves Luna, cutting through those intangible, unobservable threats, searing the wind and the shadows and obscuring them a more natural darkness. It is here, finally, that the seed planted last chapter begins to sprout, and grows through the rest of the story--no longer is it simply Luna versus the world, it is Luna and another, Luna and the friend she has wanted for a thousand years but never been able to find, because her own hungry winds--that driving bitterness, that resilient hatred, that desire for dominance--have been trapped and bested and blotted out. Perhaps there will be life in the hollow again someday.
The clock is mostly a framing devices for two things in the symbolic/thematic - One, to get Luna to go all NMM again, the other, to emphasize that Luna is not the moon...and she should be. It's also the strongest representation of Celestia as the phantom third character. The clockwork is hers, representing the enormous effort it takes to replicate one facet of Luna (the raising of the moon) and how she's tried to keep it as inviolate as possible for her.
If I were to write the story again, I'd probably put the clock first, as an in-between place between reality and Equestria's Soul, as it would fit better there, in terms of a transitional and revelatory episode.
This is me while reading this fanfic:
But seriously, this is awesome. You are gonna inspire me to do great things, Daetrin.
Gotta admit, when I reached the shipping part I was a little 
but I guess it makes sense. The part which maybe was a little rushed for my tastes was the whole denoument, where they return to equestria and try to make sense of it all. You probably could spend chapters processing the consequences of where they are now and what it means for the future.... but you know, whatever you want to do is fine 
.
I think the strength of this has gotta be the description of the surreal environment that they get thrown into. I all of that was really cool and original. Also, your style of writing is really interesting. It seems more based on abstract descriptions of the experience rather than concrete imagery and it is an interesting style that seems like nothing I have read before.
tl;dr - Originality like this is unreal. It doesn't even happen. (most of the time)
5 stars, and keep up the good work, my man.
Beside that the story so far had a tend to feel a little too 'final fantasy random encounter' plagued, it was pretty good. i must admit the plot didn't really say me much, i didn't really feel much for the story as a lot went unexplained and some things felt very random and the lack of romance in the start was sort of a buzz kill for me when i sought a romance story, but then again thats just me. I would however still like to see a sequel to this story sometime in the future.
On a side note: You missed an opportunity for explain some things that would have made us care more for the many "random" OC's you added to the story, like the basilisk in the desert. A little note from Celestia about him would have given his char more meaning and feeling (perhaps make him feel a little less pointless (almost like he was some sort of filler)).
Anyway, I still got one last chapter to read before I'm done.
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I would absolutely ADORE a story of Celestia's vacation. 
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Maybe not but I didn't think normal people used these words.
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