Helping Rarity and Spike search for Gems, surely it can't be that bad. After all Rarity showed those Diamond Dogs not to mess with her the last time. And they're the worst things you could run into out here. Right ?
Chapters (1)
Mr Wool
Joined 10th Jul, 2012 ·
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Wrong.
1764544 Hey, some Self-Inserts have worked.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqc8gsKPqF1qafrh6.gif
The PC OC copy and pasted on to the image looks ridiculous.
This story appears to be taking a dive.
Here are some hopefully constructive comments that may help you with later chapters.
Plot
The basic plot seems ok as far as this chapter is concerned, but several plot elements that should be present seem to be lacking.
From the way it reads, this story is meant to be part of a larger multi fic story arc, something that you mention at the end of the story. This kind of information should be avaliable at the start, or on the title page. In addition to that, you need to consider cold readers. You mention that Tyranno, Applejack and Rainbow Dash defeated something in Appleloosa, but don't give much information regarding it. You tend to just refer to them as 'creatures'. This leaves cold readers somewhat out of the loop. Give some additional description of what actually happened out there to that new readers can catch up without having to go hunting through other fics, or put up a link directly to the relevant stories.
Characters
The way that you describe the mane6 ponies tends to fairly well done, the way that Rainbow and Applejack are depicted as reacting to their new found fame is accurate to their canon personalities. Personality and character for Tyranno seems a little bit thin though, as aside from knowing that he is a green earth pony we don't get much information on him. With OC's, the more information we can get on physical apperance or personality, the better. Things like where he came from and what he did. As it stands now, Tyranno is just another OC who has done something remarkable without any context. All we know is that he doesn't like his status as a hero, we don't know much about him.
Grammar
Actual structural elements to the grammar tend to be fairly good through out the story, your use of new parapgraphs for a new idea and speaker to seperate the story check out well. Much of the issue I had with this section came from small mistakes that could be caught with another round of editing and proof reading - spelling mistakes, missing spacing and punctuation, etc.
Some examples
Needs a fullstop after now, not a comma
Should be recieving.
Should be Wonderbolts
You switched tenses during this line from past to present. remain should be remained
Missing spacing in sameimages.
Should be have.
You do not need to put a space before a question mark. This also occurs later and on the title page.
Again, check spacing.
Finally, all examples of dialogue should finish with a full stop to indicate the end of a character speaking.
Final Verdict: Not a bad idea, could use more description of the creatures and OC
Reccomendation: Another round of proof reading to check for little errors
Hope this helps
~ Fimbulvinter. Section Trainee for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble
1764800>>1764714 I admit that I myself find the image ridiculous but it is only temporary while I am creating a proper one.
1764883 Thanks for the tips and pointing out the any grammar and punctuation errors, I tend to type fast and read through even faster so I usually miss small stuff like that.
1765499 No problem. It's always nice to get a response to a review.
If you want help with grammar, spelling, and that sort of thing, I'd be willing to work with you as an editor. Let me know if you're interested.
Also, I had exactly nothing better to do so I remade your cover art in about 40 minutes. Not the best thing I've ever done, but I just kind of slapped it together because frankly the weird brush tool artifacts and layering derps inspired me to open Photoshop.
i45.tinypic.com/1214ikg.png