beautifulheart
Joined 29th Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- obake · 22k words · 45 1 · 2.1k views
- xStellar_Bubbles · 2.1k words · 20 1 · 1.1k views
- Semaj · 27k words · 312 14 · 1.7k views
- AmberWings · 5.8k words · 897 33 · 22k views
- Ziggy05 · 2.7k words · 12 0 · 794 views
- mdonnelly · 8.4k words · 16 1 · 2.1k views
- TheGamingBrony · 4.7k words · 22 3 · 1.5k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
636 users online
1,188,012 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nice job; great spelling/grammar, couldn't find too many errors, and overall enjoyable.
Oh yeah. I'm kidding
You may want to fix the formatting on this. It's so close to being a straight wall of text. Use the Enter key to break apart segments and make it easier on the reader's eyes.
Er.
Yeah.
Nope.
Everyone's out of character here. I mean.. Applejack, to whom family is so central and important, killing her sister? This isn't Dark, this is just kind of silly. Twilight, plotting the death of foals and Pinkie in on it? There's no context or explanation.
You do not an ounce of showing in this story. It is all tell.
An air of
There's a lot of other issues that reoccur that I really don't have time to point out right now, a lot of them to do with comma placement and quotations.
Your paragraphs are too short and you always spell out numbers.
Oh yeah.
What the fuck were you thinking when writing this!? The mane six all deciding they'd just want to kill Scootaloo... What the honest fuck? There's enough OOC in here to kill a... I can't even think of anything clever. Holy OOC.
This is terribly bad, and you should feel bad for writing it.
Well the ending was kinda eh I expected a gross super violent death.
1752627 Actually, don't you hear they changed this? To space the paragraphs now, you go to your stories list and click on the little trashcan.
Good enough grammar, I suppose.
-Compliments End Here-
I usually only offer constructive criticism, but I'm gonna deviate from the norm here.
Everyon- *ahem*-everyPONY was OOC out the ass.
You killed Scoots, so you've automatically painted a target on yourself.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24351435.jpg
1752654
I kind of love you for this.
1752698 Well then I love you too.
Honestly I thought it was pretty funny, but then I dont tend to see much of this kind of story, maybe its just because it's new to me?
1752654
I'm fucking taking that one. The lols... THERE ARE TOO MANY!
and right before a scootaloo episode, knowing damn well, most of the fans i know are scootaloo fans......wrong....very wrong....
1752708 You will soon learn to hate these like the rest of us. Don't worry, you'll get your bad story sense soon.
first reaction:
WWWWWHHHHYYYYYYYY
after reading this:
1752629 Don't worry. I'm not.
The formatting needs work.
The story itself made me chuckle lightly. So because of that, I'll give you your second thumbs up! :)
1752613 HAHA! I love it how you took your upvote away.
1752765 *evil giggle*
This could have been done a hell of a lot better, but this story can't be redeemed. As The Space Pope, I have to give this my sign of disapproval.
static.prtst.net/asset-proxy/a3f5f994d7aef369266b51839b6325f153a7f10b/687474703a2f2f6173736574732e6469796c6f6c2e636f6d2f6866732f6639322f6334632f3438662f726573697a65642f692d646f6e2d742d676976652d612d6d656d652d67656e657261746f722d6e6f70652d63616e2d742d66696e642d616e792d6675636b732d3834643138302e6a70673f313330353037373730362e6a7067/http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/f92/c4c/48f/resized/i-don-t-give-a-meme-generator-nope-can-t-find-any-fucks-84d180.jpg?1305077706.jpg
1752654
That is the best comment concerning formatting I've ever read - best comment of the day!
Wow, if only there were some kind of group here that could archive this masterpiece for all time in it's well deserved place.
Perhaps it could be themed around locomotives of some kind.
You've just ruined the mane 6 for me, man.
I find it ironic that while I was reading this, the pic of Scoots was at the top of the page.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdci0oFNOD1ribnwko1_500.gif
I like your fanfic. I wrote a fanfic that everypony hated,but some people on other sites liked it. Don't give up!
Oh yeah, and it isn't Sweetiebell, it's Sweetie Belle.
Horribly formatted? Mane 6 acting completely OOC? Ending with the mean-spirited death of a canon pony?
Troll fic. Nothing to see here.
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/574321-Liege/321/17/1306982556320_display.jpg
How did you come up with a pointless story like this? Here is my
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/This+is+terrible+_896e0c06d75f06a93668ee9edde30565.jpg
24.media.tumblr.com/f722cae1b5cd42814838ac845b9621ee/tumblr_mel145wnpe1rfrimwo1_500.png
This is a trollfic, right?
just...just..just...wha-wh-
WATDAFAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No indenting.
Simple in writing.
And this. Just. No.
Im sorry. No.
1752629
I love how your profile pic fits so well with everyone's reaction to this story.
1753079 Fluttershy, watch your God damn language. You shouldn't fucking curse like that.
1752782 You can't be the space pope. He is reptilian
splendoroftruth.com/curtjester/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/SpacePope.png
1753136
I fucking know right?! Some cunts on this bitch-ass internet really need a fucking censor! There could be little shits, I mean kids, on this porn-infested dickhole of a site!
</sarcasm>
What...just...what...WAIT I'M GETTING A MESSAGE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!i1.kym-cdn.com/profiles/icons/big/000/079/761/scootaloo%20murder.jpg
This story sucked so much balls every school in a fifty mile radius will have to re-stock on gym supplies.
Wait. What am I doing? This thing doesn't even deserve to be called a "Story". My argument is invalid.
Forget I said anything.
1753138
Eeh.... What did I read.
The OoC in this fic is hilarious(ly sad).
Well, no shit, Sherlock. This is crap.
Awwww Scootoloo why pinkie whyyyyyyy
P.s maybe you can read my story called my day in ponyville
cdn.themonolith.com/wp-content/uploads/Why-would-you-post-something-like-that-Doctor-Who-David-Tennant.jpg?d9c344
Just, why? To combat this, here's a montage of Scootaloo being adorable.
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT6jvmP3Zra0025EspcMvFDlV4bZlwpLZO1JDc5R3deg77BXASVIYeU6Ju9wQ
th04.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/f/2012/065/b/a/happy_scootaloo_vector__redone__by_dipi11-d4pi0vd.png
gameinformer.com/resized-image.ashx/__size/500x400/__key/CommunityServer-Components-PostAttachments/00-01-22-67-73/cool.jpg
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/161586__safe_animated_scootaloo_one-bad-apple_adorable_artis.gif?1353910317
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTdPcqUQyWDC1RQPFNFJWV-qm5ljmjMMQnqrFXKz8dVoFffpAflAg
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRBHRU7TmM6SwUBKMkw020r7q7GsvTDLA0yejM5R4_Z_1QGK6oD
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQQU3YVeoE-QmvDcxzb_jXSEg-Q136TXiSYz9Dp7ECNY7u-sB2P
I can't shake the feeling that this still isn't enough adorable Scootaloo.
Oh, man! The Train Wreck Explorers are gonna-!
...
Oh, right...they're...gone...
Well, if I have to say something KIND, I GUESS you did ATTEMPT to collect sympathy for Scootaloo.
But, to be honest, I'm not a fan. It was a merciless beat down, out-of-character, and swinging for a brutality bonus.
This story was added to the Investigation folder for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble
So without any further delays, let the reviews begin. Open Season on this story.
Almost everything about this story felt a bit too casually handled. Character motivations were not given, story resolution was unsatisfying, even allowing for the actual plot.
The Story
The plot for this story is badly handled, there is no buildup to Applejacks decision and the others agree far too readily to be believable, even allowing for the fact that they are considering murder.
Aside from the basic idea of the story, in which you have a filly murdered, the actual plot elements feel very much like a rough first draft rather than a ready to be published story. There is very little in the way of descriptions, either of the ponies themselves or of the locations around them.
It is the first line of the story and a prime opportunity to set the scene. As it stands, there is not enough information to allow the reader to picture where everypony is. It can be assumed that they are at Sweet Apple Acres, but are they inside the house or out in the fields. Is it Daytime, or at night? These things help to immerse a reader into the story by giving them the needed descriptions to recreate the scene in their minds.
Pacing
Do not be afraid to have your characters slow down and smell the roses.
Sweet Apple Acres is depicted as being some time out of Ponyville. Description is your friend. Have Applejack wander through the town, maybe give a greeting to some of the other ponies that live there on her way to Rarity's.
Here is another example. Applejack moves off to get the others, and instantly they are all assembled at Rarity's. What were the others doing when Applejack went to get them?
That all the group seemed to agree so quickly to a plan involving murder and even torture is VERY OOC. Did Scootaloo do something to each of them that has blinded them to reason?
Characters
As already mentioned, almost every character in this story was severely OOC.
It seemes to me that most of the Mane6 resorted to murder rather quickly. Aside from about 2 lines from Rarity, none of them actually argued against the idea.
Thats a very sadistic streak from Twi. Where did she aquire it from?
Rarity seems kinda indifferent here, something that seems odd when she was the only voice of reason earlier.
OOC is not necessarily a bad thing if done right, but you need to give a reason for them to be as such. This story lacks any motivation for the characters to become, or in pinkies case, already be sadistic killers.
Make sure you check character names while writing a story. Sweetiebell is not the correct name. that should be changed to Sweetie Belle.
Structural elements
The actual formatting for this story needs significant improvement. While each speaker did start a new line, the entire story still resembles a wall of text. This makes each new line tend to run together. Putting an extra line between each new sentence helps to make every paragraph distinct and easy to follow.
The one good thing I can say for the structural elements is that the actual grammar itself - use of capital letters, punctuation marks, etc appear to be well done. there were few instances of these elements being out of place that I could see, but such things can be easily lost in the solid block of text.
Closing comments
Ideally A story should be able to pose a question to the reader and then proceed to answer that question, closing off all the loose ends by the stories end. This one leaves many things unanswered - how will the other two CMC's react? why the mane6 were so willing to go straight to murder.
Things to work on: Descriptions. description is the glue that binds story elements together and makes it interesting.
Final verdict: Full Rewrite
~Fimbulvinter TWE Harbinger of Ragnarok and Battalion Leader for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble
You killed Scootaloo. I am not amused.
chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/seor-gif-the-anger-of-the-queen.gif
Two hours old, and already 75 dislikes.
Gotta hand it to you there.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/566/060.png
1753398 The group may have been disbanded, but you will still see the TWE colours being flown
Alright, well you've had your dose of rude awakening and insults, so how about I step in and offer constructive criticism?
The characters are acting extremely out of character; these are things that they wouldn't normally even consider doing in the show. In your next attempt, you might try to make the characters more realistic. Simply adding more plot might help you; if we see the CMC's slowly descending to more rebellious pursuits and follow it from a logical, show-like starting point to a position where their actions are actually reprehensible, and THEN we see Applejack and the other characters slowly descend from their show selves to ponies who would actually consider murder, THEN we might be on your side. It's a dark fic, so we're expecting dark themes, and obviously works where one character murders another would never be shown in an actual episode. That doesn't mean they're inherently bad, we just have to see WHY the characters have changed so dramatically from the personalities we're familiar with.
Paragraph spacing and some other minor grammar things are getting in the way of storytelling, and the ratio of dialogue to narration is too damn high. Again, slowing down a bit and pacing yourself, writing something with several thousand words instead of 1,542, will help in that respect.
What description you do have is decent, however, and it's not like some fics that get downvoted to oblivion where it looks like a five-year-old slammed his face into a keyboard. It's decently structured and it does look like you care. That counts for something in my book.
If you want help writing, someone to work with you to properly develop a story which will at least avoid crashing and burning if not actually succeeding, let me know. We can probably work something out. I don't want to see you turn away from fiction writing entirely or something, just because you wrote something the community didn't like. Send me a PM if my offer appeals to you.
I hated this story!
ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4998256080454764&pid=15.1
ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=I.4581618513937236&pid=15.1
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4988841531278178&pid=15.1
ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4727608760010171&pid=15.1
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4794889417196058&pid=15.1
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4606056893448626&pid=15.1