Act Two:
"You Better Run"
Chapter Twelve:
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
As soon as her conversation with Iron Will was complete, Hoofcuff had once more made a beeline for the airship. Her hopes of a swift return to Canterlot were dashed within moments. Upon questioning, the captain of the airship had stated that the damage to the engine was such that a crucial part was in fact damaged beyond repair and they'd have to wait for the replacement part directly from San Franciscolt.
Upon hearing that news, Hoofcuff had released a very long and exhaustive list of names and offensives, to which the captain simply replied with, “Arg, ye be a real fanged siren with a bitch up her tail.”
Hoofcuff had no response to that.
So, she had been forced to hunker in a tiny motel perched over a bar of all places. The motel wasn't an awful place, but the fact that it was built over what was apparently the only bar in town certainly didn't help her personality. Even though a part of her felt like finishing the mission she had been given was the best decision (namely her now bruised ego), another part felt that she should at least attempt to report Iron Will, tell one of his superiors that he was blackmailing her. Then, they could release her from her contract and she could finally get out of this backwater town without fear of her until-now spotless arrest record being tarnished.
All of a sudden there was a knocking sound on her motel room door, snapping her out of her musings.
Ugh who is that? she grumbled as she trotted to the door and opened to reveal a young stallion in a mail delivery uniform.
“What do you want?” she asked, eying him with disdain.
“Package for Ms. Hoofcuff,” he stated, motioning towards the mammoth package marked ‘Air Mail’.
“Sign here.” the mail pony added, holding a check board in front of Hoofcuff’s face. Grumbling, Hoofcuff levitated the small pen that was attached via a chain to the board and quickly scrawled her name at the bottom.
“Welcome. Bug off.” she grumbled, irritated to be interrupted by what she saw as a totally pointless diversion. The mail pony shrugged, seemingly offended to being dismissed in such a brusque manner and he trotted away, muttering under his breath.
“Don’t have to be such a bitch...” he grumbled, causing Hoofcuff to shout after him.
“I’m not a bitch!” with that, she turned her attention back to the package, and started to drag it inside her motel room.
/////////////////////
As it turned out, the package contained more than a half dozen portfolios filled to bursting. On the top of the pile was a small card which said:
Sorry about not picking you up. But I need you to do some snooping around first.
- General Iron Will
Hoofcuff facepalmed. Figured he’d send me this... she thought. Letting out a grumbling sigh, she went about reading the portfolios. Shockingly, the portfolios had actually contained information that Hoofcuff found to be rather interesting. For one thing, they had seemingly nothing to do with Fluttershy. Instead, it was a disturbingly well researched series of documents concerning a certain earth pony named Tree Flower.
As it turned out, this Tree Flower mare had been living in Ponyville for the past twenty or so years, having moved there after a family tragedy. Apparently, she had lost both her husband and only child in an event that was simply deemed as “Incident 2”. Since then, she'd mostly worked as a teacher at the local school and her life was an especially boring one.
Hoofcuff wondered what had possessed Iron Will, who Hoofcuff had seen was almost fanatical in his dedication to capturing Fluttershy, to amass such an incredibly large amount of information on what was supposedly a totally pointless pony.
She continued to read though, her curiosity piqued. Something was off here, but she couldn't quite place it. She grazed through the dozens photos taken of her over the years. Most were the standard surveillance faire; always taken from an awkward angle and most of the time, a little fuzzy. Under each photo was a label that gave the date, time of day and the special codename assigned to Tree Flower, “Den Mother”. She continued to page through the portfolio, growing more frustrated by the minute.
There was nothing to look at. Just grainy black and white photo after grainy black and white photo.
“Agh, this is pointless!” she groaned, throwing the folder away in frustration, causing it to smash into several other piled up folding which only managed to create a pile of papers on the floor.
Figures that bastard would waste my time on something so pointless, she thought, standing up from her sitting position. Once she did so however, her eyes caught sight of a random paper with bold lettering along the top that read:
Potential connection between Tree Flower, codename ‘Den Mother’ and Fluttershy Braveheart, codename ‘White Whale’
"Well, what have we here?" Hoofcuff muttered, pulling the sheet of paper out from underneath the pile it was under. It was a small memo, where, in typeface, was the following text:
Research has demonstrated a potential connection between Subject Den Mother and Subject White Whale.
Blood sample tests show a strong likelihood of blood relation, showing a 96-98% DNA match between Subject Den Mother and Subject White Whale. It is this researcher's opinion that all available personnel should be tasked with the observation and surveillance of Subject Den Mother.
Hoofcuff’s eyes widened upon reading the words. She was in the same exact town as Fluttershy’s mother?! A plan instantly started to form in her mind. She had to find this Tree Flower. If her hunch was correct, and if she could find Tree Flower, she could maybe use her as a way to find Fluttershy. And once she found Fluttershy, she was scott free! With that piece of information and the hope of finally ridding herself of this mission, she bolted out of her hotel room, running down the stairs as fast as her legs could carry her.
Her train of thought was interrupted, however, when she tripped over her own hooves and was sent tumbling down the stairs. She landed hard on her face, grabbing the attention of the patrons of the bar below.
“Oh hello Agent.” General Iron Will said, causing Hoofcuff to look up.
“General?” She groaned as she stood up, making sure to dust herself off. “What the hay are you doing here?”
“Simple, Hoofcuff. Thanks to the watchful eyes of this town’s citizens, reports of a mare matching Fluttershy’s description came from this town. So we came to check it out.”
Hoofcuff nodded, looking past Iron Will to see a small army of soldiers all hanging around the bar. She spotted a familiar white pegasus skulking about by the door. She noticed that Snowflake had seemingly bulked up quite a bit since she last saw him and seemed to manage to make himself look even more tightly wound.
“Ugh, fine...” she finally muttered, “So, are we going to go find your little ‘White Whale’? Or do you just want to hang around and drink peppermint schnapps?” she asked, unable to hold back her own sarcasm against her better judgement. The General however, seemed unfazed.
“That depends. Me and my troops are prepared, are you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Hoofcuff nodded brusquely. “Yes I’m ready. Let’s just get this over with.” she muttered. Iron Will nodded.
“Excellent.” he said, smiling. “Boys!” he all of a sudden barked, causing all the soldiers to snap to attention.
“Let’s go find our target.” he said, making his way to the door and stepping outside, followed closely by Snowflake and the troops, leaving Hoofcuff alone. Letting out a grumbling sigh, she followed after them.
/////////////////////
Fluttershy shied behind her mane as she and her mother sat quietly on a park bench. Tree Flower had insisted that the two of them take a walk, if only to stretch Fluttershy’s leg, which had healed remarkably well, given the injury. Tree Flower had saved the leftover balm Zecora had used in a jar, saying that she might need it at some point. Once that was done, the two of them had made a beeline for Ponyville Park, which was an incredibly modest affair, it’s center being a simple fountain.
For Fluttershy, the experience was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because this was the first time she had been able to enjoy the park in almost twenty years. It was a beautiful summer day with the sun shining brightly and now there were several large cloud banks hanging in the sky. The park however, was relatively empty, as it was a work day and most ponies were busy at their jobs at this time, leaving the park to Tree Flower and Fluttershy.
However, there was the cursed fact that Fluttershy couldn’t deny. She knew for a fact that those wanted posters she’d seen had been there for more than a day, and pointed it out to Tree Flower, and her mind was dominated by the fear that someone might have recognized her.
“Mother can’t we just stay at home...” she finally asked, looking at her mother with concern. Tree Flower smiled warmly, and put a comforting arm on Fluttershy’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry Fluttershy. Just relax,”
“But what about the poster I showed you in town?” Fluttershy asked. Tree Flower smiled warmly.
“I’m pretty sure that there aren’t any more wanted posters. In fact, in all my years living here that is the first one I’ve seen. Don’t worry. If we just keep a low profile and don’t attract any attention, like we’re doing now, we’ll be fine.”
Fluttershy sighed, looking at a squirrel that was scampering up a nearby tree. “Alright then Mother...”
“Good,” Tree Flower smiled. “Now, how about we start planning what to do once we get into Manehattan?”
Fluttershy shrugged, her mind still more concerned on if they’d be seen. She was already scanning the bushes and trees for anything that might seem out of place, mentally preparing herself to be ready to run at a moments notice. Her mother continued to talk aloud, running through the plan she had devised once they got to Manehattan.
“...so, once in Manehattan, we either take a subway or a taxi or a bus to get to Dr. Sound Mind’s office in the Upper West Side. Which do you prefer?” Tree Flower asked, diverting Fluttershy’s attention away from the squirrels scampering about.
“Um...well...whichever you prefer Mother, it’s really up to you.” Fluttershy shrugged, looking back at the squirrels. Tree Flower let out a sigh.
“Fluttershy, please, tell me, what’s wrong? I mean just an hour ago you were perfectly okay with going and now you’re suddenly apprehensive? Why?” she asked, looking at Fluttershy with concern.
“Well...Mother, I was wondering...what would happen if...” she hesitated, shuttering at the thought of New Fluttershy exploding in anger on a subway. “...I lost it?”
Tree Flower let out a sigh. “Well, Fluttershy, I can’t tell you. That’s really up to you. I mean, from what you told me, I think it’s just a matter of self-control, just like anything emotional,” she shifted on the bench, looking at one of the squirrels as well. “Just try and maintain self-control is all I can tell you. I honestly don’t know what else to say.”
Fluttershy simply sighed dejectedly, her eyes drifting about, not really focusing on anything, unsure of what to say next. That’s when she saw it. A glint of something in the bushes. She squinted, praying it was a trick of her eyes.
It wasn’t.
The figure of a pony, clad in camouflage and observing her through a pair of binoculars caught her eye and her heart sank.
They found her.
“Mother we have to leave now,” she said, turning to her mother in fear. Her mother raised an eyebrow.
“Why?” Tree Flower asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No time we just have to leave!” Fluttershy answered, bolting up from her bench and starting to run. Tree Flower followed close behind.
“They found you?!” She called out, with Fluttershy nodding rapidly. Before Tree Flower could respond, the low droning sound of zeppelin engines kicking in and Fluttershy glanced behind to see a zeppelin coming out from behind one of the cloud banks. There was a sudden explosion of noise as a voice shouted down from the zeppelin, apparently barking orders.
Fluttershy heard a shout and turned to see her mother barely dodge a large net attached to some kind of cable. Fluttershy looked up to see a mint green pegasus wielding what Fluttershy could only describe as a bazooka. A long cable ran from the weapon to the ground where the net had impacted. The pegasus yanked at the cable and the net began to retract, being pulled by the cable. Another loud bang and Fluttershy saw what she assumed was a dart impact the ground just inches away.
Fluttershy and Tree Flower used this as a cue to run even faster, the two soon running in a full on gallop. Fluttershy could hear her heart thundering in her ears and she felt New Fluttershy start to fight against whatever forces held the monster back as her adrenaline climbed higher and higher.
No please no... Was all she could think as she continued to run, ducking into the bushes in an attempt to shake her pursuers. There was another loud bang and she heard her mother, who was now quite a ways behind her, cry out in pain. Fluttershy ground to a halt and spun around to see her mother pinned down by the large net, wide in the open of the park. "Mother!" She cried out, making her way out of the bushes in order to go help her mother.
Her mother however, waved a hoof in protest. "Get out of here Fluttershy! Now! Leave me and go!" Tree Flower shouted, still struggling against the net. Fluttershy shook her head.
"But I can't just leave you Mother!" Fluttershy shouted back, unable to fathom abandoning one of the only ponies who'd ever shown her kindness. Tree Flower shook her head.
"Fluttershy just go! I'll be fine!" Tree Flower protested. Fluttershy hesitated, her heart torn. There was shouting everywhere and Fluttershy could see dozens of troops coming out of the foliage behind Tree Flower, all aiming their weapons directly at her and Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy run!" Her mother shouted one more time snapping Fluttershy of her panicked state. Fluttershy felt tears start to run from her eyes as she nodded fearfully and turned back into the bushes, hoping against hope that she could somehow lose the army that had suddenly appeared.
There was a rustling sound to Fluttershy's left and she looked to see a white blur come out from seemingly nowhere and felt something big and heavy impact her sideways. Her and her attacker rolled and tumbled through the bushes, with Fluttershy struggling wildly in a desperate last ditch effort for freedom. The mysterious white pegasus that was her assailant however, was much stronger than her, and he was quickly winning the fight, pinning her down like a wild animal.
Fluttershy felt herself quickly begin to lose control again as her adrenaline went into overdrive and green began to seep into her vision. "Leave me alone please!" She sobbed out, still struggling against her attacker, who simply shook his head, pinning her down even harder as he reached behind to pull out a pair of hoofcuffs. Fluttershy began to hyperventilate and she felt New Fluttershy quickly start to take over as her vision went entirely green.
"Leave me ALONE!" She roared, bucking the white pegasus off of her in a sudden explosion of strength. The white pegasus spun through the air before catching himself with his own wings. Fluttershy felt herself beginning to shift and transform and she looked up at the now shocked hovering pegasus.
And all she felt was rage.
/////////////////////
Snowflake spun away in shock as the weak pegasus mare beneath him bucked him away as if he were made of paper. Quickly flapping his newly strengthened wings to regain control, he looked down to see the mare writhing on the ground, her yellow coat changing to a shade of dark green and her flowing pink mane growing longer, wilder and darker in color until it was blood red. She growled an monstrous growl that sounded as if it were coming from some demonic creature trying to break free. Her legs flexed and stretched, as her body quickly began to expand with new muscle mass. Her size continued to increase until she was at least five times as large as before, her wings now no more than comically short stubs. Her eyes were now glowed a bright shade of emerald green and she stared up at him, her eyes burning with an almost demonic level of rage and hatred.
“FLUTTERHULK SMASH PEGASUS!” the monster roared, swiping a massive green hoof towards Snowflake, and Snowflake dived out of the way, landing on the ground and readying himself for the next attack. He wasn’t about to back down now. He had The Power now. Grinning boldly, his eyes narrowed.
“Time for a rematch!” he chuckled, spreading his wings and making a flying leap towards the creature, throwing himself with all his might into the creatures jaw. The punch however, did absolutely nothing and Snowflake practically bounced off the beast as if he were a rubber ball. He tumbled to the ground, almost instantaneously regaining his footing. He stared up at the beast who glared back at him with burning rage.
“PUNY PONY!” she roared, slamming a hoof down on the ground, sending a shock wave of rock and dust into the air that caused Snowflake to go tumbling again. Snowflake caught himself again and this time pulled out his weapon, firing off a shot at the monster before jumping into the air and firing off another shot. The shots seemingly had a slightly better result, as the monster roared in what Snowflake assumed was angry pain, swinging another hoof, which Snowflake dodged gracefully.
There was a sudden boom and then an explosion of fire and smoke and the monster cried out in pain again, shifting her attention to the tank that had been lying in wait. Growling, the green monster turned and galloped towards the tank at incredible speed given her size, leaping into the air to come crashing down on it, crushing it underneath as if it were a soda can.
Snowflake flew after the creature. This was their battle. Time to prove that he was the best. Spreading his arms, he tackled the monster from behind, wrapping around its neck like a vice. The monster growled in protest as she reached behind to grab Snowflake by his wings and this time, flung him with all her might to the ground. Snowflake felt a burst of pain as he impacted, and everything went back.
/////////////////////
Flutterhulk stood over the crushed remains of the tank, letting out another loud roar. Her roar was greeted by a hail of gunfire. She growled in anger and swung her arms out to sweep away the tiny ponies tormenting her as if they were insects. She looked around, readying herself for the next attack when her eyes focused on the tiny figure of a slate grey mare galloping towards what appeared to be another pony, this one a coral mare captured in a net.
For some reason, something told her that the coral mare was something friendly and that the grey mare was an enemy. Gritting her teeth, Flutterhulk let out a roar and started towards the grey mare.
/////////////////////
Hoofcuff now only had one goal in mind. Avoid getting caught and crushed by the monster that was now rampaging somewhere on the other side of a hedge of trees. The sounds of explosions and gunfire confirmed her suspicions. Everything about this mission had now been completely and utterly rendered unsalvageable. She ducked behind a tree, searching for the coral mare she had seen earlier running with Fluttershy. Might as well arrest her and get something out of this crapsack mission. She thought as she caught sight of her laying on the ground, trapped in one of those dorky net things that some of the troops were given.
This is probably the worst idea I ever had. Hoofcuff thought, as she scampered across the field towards the coral mare. Horn aglow and gun at the ready, she ran up next to the mare, who was no longer struggling against the net, but was now sobbing in what Hoofcuff assumed was anguish.
“Mrs. Flower!” Hoofcuff called out, hoping that this was in fact the mare she was looking for and not another innocent civilian. “I’m sorry it has to be this way but you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a fugitive of the Equestrian Government.” she then whipped out her hoofcuffs and was about to latch them around Tree Flower’s wrists when she heard a roar from behind.
She turned to see the mammoth green form of the monster galloping towards her. Her eyes widened and she quickly conjured the first shield spell she could remember, now wishing she had listened to the teachers in school. She hoped that it would hold.
It didn’t.
Hoofcuff was assaulted by a backwash of her own magic, which exploded in a shower of red, sending her flying backwards, landing on the ground hard. She rolled over, groaning as her ears rang and her head felt as if it had just been hit with a sledge hammer. Shaking her head to clear it, she stood on her hooves, looking for the monster. She was greeted by the sight of a green hoof slamming into the ground directly at her left and another to her right. Looking up in panicked fear, she was greeted by the sight of the monster looming over her, eyes burning in rage.
The monster raised it’s right arm, it's hoof clenching, obviously readying herself to crush Hoofcuff underneath. Hoofcuff swallowed one last time, her body frozen in fear.
“Fluttershy don’t!” a voice called out and both Hoofcuff and the monster turned. Hoofcuff was greeted by the sight of Tree Flower, still pinned under the net, looking up at the monster with a pleading look in her eyes.
The monster seemed confused for a moment, as if it were trying to process what the older mare had said, before it put it’s hoof down slowly and started to stomp towards Tree Flower. Hoofcuff simply watched in shock and confusion as the monster loomed over the earth pony a long, strangely quiet moment, before all of a sudden reaching down and scooping her up off the ground like a toy and setting her on her back. The monster then looked back at Hoofcuff for a moment, it’s eyes narrowing.
“Leave Flutterhulk and friend alone.” it growled, before turning and galloping off into the trees, leaving a bewildered Hoofcuff standing alone, unsure of what she just saw.
Yeah, it worked out absolutely fine.
2820860 oh thank god.
Sweet Celestia in Canterlot, this was awesome
You sure kept me going with those fight scenes, and those changes seem to be for the best.
Keep up the good work!
2821002 oh wow thanks
Was worried it might feel a tad forced...
"Is that it? Is that all you got you big green dumbass?" *cue Hulk kick*
Am I the only one who plays this before reading a new chapter?
2822252 Well, if they ever run into killer ants I can just explain that little herp derp away
FINALLY, is this all part of your recent revision of the storyline ?
Because if so then it worked out for the better as I do wonder what would happen when Tree Flower confronts her daughter's other self.
Great update as it was worth the wait to see FlutterHulk in action.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great tale like this one.
2823225 Yes this is part of the revision.
Hopefully I'll be able to maintain some of the old stuff I wrote. I have it in a google doc until I can use it again...hopefully.
that was beautiful
2825076
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/240/948/35a.gif
2826582 you know, it is possible for someone to forgive another person right off the bat like that. I practically live my life by that. I just figured that Tree Flower is happier to be with her daughter again (who obviously regrets what she did deeply) and isn't about to spend the next eight chapters being emo.
Now, I will admit to the fact that this does feel a smidge rushed, but jesus dude, I had have Fluttershy have a break somewhere. Also, I needed a Betty Ross, and I figured her own mother fit the bill.
Now I don't mind, since I had Fluttershy freak out again next chapter (what a shock), that after that, I can have Tree Flower seriously consider that she might be too accepting, but then conciously decide to still give Fluttershy the benefit of a doubt.
And also, this little sentence you said at the end really pissed me off:
You will believe how disgustingly arrogant and prideful that single sentice sounds. Seriously. When I see a comment like that, I reaaly start to suspect the commenter is just this snobby jerk who happens to have an eye for detail, and then acts like a total jerk about it.
Am I saying that you're one of those types of people? No, not at all. I'm just pointing out that the people on this site aren't stupid and you shouldn't think yourself above them.
Sorry if I sound mean, but arrogant bastards piss me off...a lot.
2827235
Alright apologies. I was just giving speculation. You've been dark on Fluttershy up until now where it just feels that 'all of a sudden' she gets a break out of no where. There's been little build up or warning that's brought us to this that it's almost like a too good to be true scene. Plus I had no idea that Tree flower was going to be Betty Ross, because she shares very few qualities with Betty Ross, including her relationship.
And it's fair if you think I'm snobbish and you're right, I am arrogant and proud of meself, a quality I love about myself. But I started building insecurity why no one besides me has put this much speculation. So I placed that line in there just to explain why I put so much effort to give feedback. It helps build my own confidence, shows I have an understanding of writing and I have fun, all zipped into one.
But if you're going to hate me because I'm a snobbish arrogant proud jerk, fair enough. I can stop giving you feedback and speculation if it makes you happy.
2827451 oh no!!!! You don't have to stop the feedback at all. Just a change of tone is all.
Sorry if it came off as a rant.
2827510
Very well, I'll consent to that, so long as you don't use inappropriate language like that. Apologies, but saying I piss you off and being an arrogant jerk whose proud of himself is not something I'm well comfortable with. Sorry but being that I and others give criticism and speculation, I don't feel comfortable being victim to aggressive language. A sensitive artist is fine, but an aggressive one I walk away from.
2827547 yeah me too. I usually try to avoid language but that one slipped out.
And on the topic of Tree Flower, I'll address it next new chapter and explain what the hell she was doing for those 23 years.
Oh BTW the paintings are part of her way of coping. Figured she found solace in painting. Again, it'll be explained. I do hate unexplained randomness.
And, I will admit, that back when I wrote that chapter about three months ago, I didn't expect to bring Tree Flower back. I kinda let the story tell itself and she happened to pop up again. Hence the somewhat odd pacing of that chapter. Also I figured I needed to have an excuse for more backstory building flashbacks, and having Fluttershy explain it to someone made sense at the time.
BTW, during that flashback there's going to be a thing I know for sure is going to rustle your jimmies. Don't worry. It rustles mine too and I'm going to fix it. Its a matter of symanticts though, and hopefully, it won't mean any more changes, just some minor details. You'll know when you read it.
2838282 Well, as for Snowflake waking up, I figured I needed to show exactly who was having the dream (since I've had so many nightmares here) and also because I felt I needed to show he was starting to slip and was perfectly okay with it. Go figure.
And also, the idea of a psychologist is because Tree Flower knows about Fluttershy's problem, but at this point (remember, hasn't seen her in her Flutterhulk form yet) she hopes it's still resolvable through psychological means. If anything, I'll shoot this down next new chapter, since I'll dedicate most of it to Tree Flower's thoughts on the matter, since she'll have seen Flutterhulk in full for the first time.
2838684
I think we know whose having the dream. Not sure who else would be dreaming themselves as Snowflake. Plus, I immediately knew. It also just contrasts too much, I don't feel he accepts it, because he goes to 'your the best' like he's coaching himself to fight it. I'd more go with the monster is overtaking him, but what the hey, I'll go with it.
Um, serum, newspaper about monster destroying city street, oh and pummeled her father to death in front of her when she was less than ten, yeah, calls for psychology there. Sorry but how does that call to be controlled through psychology means? Well again if your using it for convenience fair enough, they do it all the time in comic books, so I can't really hold it against you. But, sigh, it just goes against, well realism I guess. Again girl young as ten that's been giving serum that murders her father and goes on a rampage being called a monster on the newspaper requires a psychologist? Sorry, really hurting my head here, but I'll go with it.
2838796 Yeah...in hind sight it's just a matter of making the word "psychologist" and changing it to "scientist" and we're all nice and logical again.
And I just noticed that I never actually showed Dr. Banner Wing's death in detail. I always cut away right before it happens and cut to right after. Hell, for all we know, she just knocked him over, he fractured his skull (which can totally happen when you get knocked to a hard floor) and then she just punched him a few dozen times in the face, hence all the blood (faces tend to bleed quite a bit). Obviously, he died later due to...ya know, a fractured skull and probably a bunch of nasty internal wounds (like in a boxing match). Just an out of the blue thought.
Also, the next chapter was added in order to address the obvious thing of Flutterhulk being more than just a mindless monster. I wrote it rather quickly, and tried my best to work it into what I wrote so far, so bear with me a little on that. Hopefully it still works though.
Also I just noticed I've never done an entire sequence from Flutterhulk's POV. All the times I've shown Flutterhulk's POV it's been rather brief.
Weird.
2839018
Good-good, it was just nitpicking, but yes, handing her over to a scientist sounds more logical. But hopefully its someone Tree Flower trusts (This is based off a comic where such logic is ignored but still), Fluttershy is a wanted gal after all and well, if they take a look at her body well, one things going to lead to another. Again you can get away with just ignoring those facts, but hey, worth mentioning.
Not sure if it'll make much of difference how her Father's deaths done. Fluttershy still did or Flutterhulk, whatever. It seems more convenient, well, having him die outright, unless your still wanting that whole video scene thing where Tree Flower could've told Fluttershy instead.
Well we're only learning that Flutterhulk has her own sub-conscious. It's made it seem like Fluttershy has been responsible for all her acts and she should be ashame of it. Having this dual personality slowly introduced, slowly gives us the idea she's starting to separate herself from it and we can change focus from there. After all you've been focusing on the chase and what the damages Flutterhulk has done, that's all we've been interested in up until now. But having it introduced that the serum apparently creates a multiple personality disorder just now is like foreshadowing the upcoming battle with Snowflake, like the evil can spread. Kind of hard to explain it really as it's 1am and I've had, well not a hard day, but you know, day you need sleep at least. But I'm sure you get me point.
2839173 True. Again, that depends on if one considers Hulk a completely separate personality from Banner. I'm on the fence regarding that, since really I'm still sorting out the basics. But the idea of it being a totally different personality that she can talk with is interesting. Kinda like Gollum in Lord of the Rings.
I might have a sequence where Fluttershy asks Flutterhulk why she helped Tree Flower, probably after Tree Flower tells Fluttershy what happened when she freaked out again.
Okay, had goosebumps in this chapter, why? Well it gave me childhood memories where I'd always wait for Bruce Banner just to go Hulk and smash everything because you knew he would. That and I enjoyed how touching it was. Focusing anyways, I have a gripe over Tree Flower getting attention only just now. They know about 'incident 2', wouldn't they have pieced together that she's Fluttershy's mother? I don't know, it isn't that big a gripe as they do it in media all the time, but it's still a gripe.
Now to get on with your storytelling. There is a big list beneath me, but that's only because this is your most recent work, meaning I know for sure where you lack. So what I've got is a golf club here and I am going to hit you with it, repeatingly until you get the grasp of fast pace.
“Agh, this is pointless!” she groaned, throwing the folder away in frustration, causing it to smash into several other piled up folding which only managed to create a pile of papers on the floor. Well we certainly know Hoodcuff doesn't throw folders because it's a hobby, we know it's her whose talking and smash is a very inappropriate word (Would a folder actually smash?). You should be trying to give the idea she just threw it after she said that as well, otherwise we assume she was trying to throw it like you do in the matrix. Harsh I know, but if I'm going to drill this stuff in, then it's appropriate I be harsh.
Her train of thought was interrupted, however, when she tripped over her own hooves and was sent tumbling down the stairs. We know her train of thought is going to get interrupted when she trips. I'd find that flipping awesome however if she was able to keep her thought in while she was tumbling down stairs.
Hoofcuff wondered what had possessed Iron Will, who Hoofcuff had seen was almost fanatical in his dedication to capturing Fluttershy This isn't so much to do with storytelling, more character developing. I dislike the word fanatical being used to describe Iron Will. Yes I know we're looking through Hoodcuff, but I do feel it slightly goes against the image of Iron WIll who is a sociopath in this. I'd rather something like determined, entranced or overcome. A more casual word.
Fluttershy looked up to see a mint green pegasus wielding what Fluttershy could only describe as a bazooka. You use Fluttershy twice. This is the only time you've used someone's name twice in a sentence, unnecessarily, I have no idea why you've done this as you've never done it before as I recall. I shouldn't have to explain the repetitive damage this does if you read it back to yourself. Fix it please.
There was a sudden explosion of noise as a voice shouted down from the zeppelin, apparently barking orders. This goes way too off focus. Because this is a fast paced scene that's panicking and so many things happening at once. Using the word apparently is bad enough (Your word choices are a tad off in this chapter), but the whole sentence is doing damage. Fluttershy wouldn't be taking her time to examine what that noise was or even pay attention to it. If you want to keep up the thrill of the chase hunt, only focus on the chase and what relates to it. Otherwise the readers just going to lie back and just let things go by as that's what it feels your doing.
she looked to see a white blur come out from seemingly nowhere Again the '-ly' words. This is the only time its bad though, which is great . As you relied on '-ly' words far too much, way too much actually and showed me the atrocious damage it can do in your first chapters. Plus seemingly, really? That's just too friendly a word. Plus because this thing randomly appear, you could just leave it, 'she saw a white blur'. It's a random sentence of what I assume your trying to say, all you need to say really.
flung him with all her might to the ground. Snowflake felt a burst of pain as he impacted, and everything went back. I'm assuming Flutterhulk swatted him, so 'with all her might to the ground' grievously slows down the pace. This is being told through Snowflake where, would he have time to tell us this and did he even know Flutterhulk put her all into this, it's shown in the words following. Also the phrase 'as he impacted' sounds really clumsly, shouldn't you mean 'from the impact;. I don't know that's my opinion anyways and oh, typo.
There would've been a whole of other stuff I would've ripped into you about, but I choose to go into what I think would help you the most. Hope if does help. But now that I have to wait for the next piece of Flutterhulk, I'll criticize one of your other pieces, won't that be fun? Think I'll do Ironmare, she's my favourite of the mane six, can't ya tell
2853129 well, in defense of the action, I must admit I drafted this entire chaoter up in the course of about four hours...so I will admit that, since it was a last minute edition anyways, it does kinda lack in those parts.
And in the case of Incident 2, its a military document. They inferred that through news reports on Banner Wings death, and en deduced that it matched Flutterhulks M.O. (massive blunt force trauma, random damage, etc) and thereby correctly deduced that Fluttershy was the cause. I guess the reason they didn't instantly go and grab Tree Flower once they found out about her connection to Fluttershy was because they wanted to wait until Fluttershy bumped into her again. Two birds with one stone.
And YAY. Iron Mare has only got three chapters so far, so theres not as much to read. Also, its a rework of the original, so occasionally theres a line here or a scene there that I kept from the original that DIDN'T make me cry. Obviously I updated the style and the dialogue.
I've finally caught up with this one! Actually, this may seem an odd thing to post but may I recommend a song to quote for one of the upcoming chapters?
Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde by The Who it seems fitting for Fluttershy's condition (or at least, reading your story made me thing of this song again)
2882320 *slaps myself for not using this song yet*
THANK YOU VERY MUCH I WILL TRY AND USE IT SOMEWHERE.
If not, I'll just change a chapter title or something. God knows I've used Monster a tad too much.
2924537 Wow thanks!
And thanks for the fave!
And the plot thickens ever so slightly...
Loved the update. Again ive said it before but Fluttershy is the perfect hulk. Also cant believe Snowflake thought a punch would actually do something to Flutterhulk.
2946942 And I have long term plans for her in Phase Two
I must say the constant use of one of my favorite songs is awesome! and that I can't wait for the next update and for when Fluttershy gains some minor form of control over Flutterhulk I wonder if she could still use "The Stare"
Also for Zecora I'm very sure I see where you're going with her! An exiled prince(ss) whom uses herbs for superpowers?
2947290 Oh of course I intend to have Zecora be Black Panther!
CAUSE THAT'S BADASS.
And as for Fluttershy using The Stare? Well, there really hasn't been a situation for it, and honestly Flutterhulk's solution to every problem is to smash it.
But who knows.
As for the next update, I'm not certain it's done, since it's on the really short side (only about 2k words or so) so I'm not certain it's ready. Add to that the fact that I'm trying to finish Soar first, since it's the closest to completion overall.
2947354 ZECORA is the Black Panther?
HOLY BUCK! She really knows how to lay down the law, damn it, I still keep thinking Hoofcuff is a Pegasus and I don't know why!!! Wow, Snowflake did not pause to get down and dirty, this is getting intense, I bucking love it, NEXT!
he has become a hero, oh and Dr Jekell and mr Hyde is a book as well
I see what you did there. Again. And is Dr. Sound Mind a Doc Samson expy, or just a random psychiatrist?
I keep forgetting that there anthro, in all your stories
If Tree Flower is a parent, wouldn't there be a 50% DNA match?
Damn good family stuff.
Legitimately got chills here.