"I need a hero!!!"
My words echoed throughout the small Volkswagen as I raced down a presumably empty street.
You might be thinking I'm singing a different song, but I'm not singing the 'Hero' by Skillet
"I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night!"
Yes, its Bonnie Tyler.
Shit, I'm embarrassed now.
I want to say that I was singing along with someone, a girlfriend, maybe even a close friend, But I was all alone in the 1967 beetle. I was new in Florida and had brought only myself along. College was an option, but I had decided against it and wanted to live my life around lots of people. Even if the parents were as loaded as they are, I still had a good job for a 21 year old.
Music. Music was my passion, I loved everything about it and every kind of it. I didn't let anyone know about it, though so I wasn't exactly being paid to do it.
Anyways, enough about me.
It was a night like any rest really, the moon was shining down onto the road before me as my headlights scraped across the gravel road.
The Beetle was relatively easy to control. I quickly maneuvered around corners as they appeared and expertly drifted like in a video game.
Right turn.
Left turn.
Left tu-
"SHIT!"
THUMP!
A flash of pink appeared before me and a loud screech rang out from from the car's brakes.
What the hell was that?! I asked myself.
I quickly jumped out of my car and looked around on the road, my heart about to beat out of my chest.
Soon after I got out of the car, I found her.
A woman, maybe my age or a little younger.
I put my hands on the sides of my head and gripped my hair. I had just hit and possibly killed someone.
I quickly bent down and put my ear on her chest, cupping my hang over my other ear to listen as carefully as I could for a heartbeat...
Steady.
I exhaled like I had been holding my breath for ages, I was relieved, but hadn't fully regained composure.
I put my knees down on the concrete road and put one arm under her legs and one under her head to lift her up. She wasn't to heavy, thankfully. The last thing I had wanted was to not be able carry her to my car.
When I had gotten her into the passenger seat and secured her with the seat belt I was almost done closing the door when I heard a gasp, I quickly opened the door again and she stared at me with a look a fear.
"Don't worry, I'm gonna take you to a hospital." I said, trying to comfort her.
The girl said nothing, but she put her legs up into the seat and clutched them to her chest. That's when I realized that she only had pink panties on.
I facepalmed.
My brain screamed, look at you, I bet she thinks your some kind of rapist freak!
"Um..." I stuttered. "Did you have any pants?" I asked.
She once again, didn't respond.
I also realized she didn't have a shirt, or bra on.
I spent another five minutes scanning the road for a pair of pants, or any kind of clothes that she could cover up with. Not that I minded really, I just didn't want her to think I was a freak.
I remembered my blanket in the hood of the car, so I quickly ran to the front and popped it up, pulling out a incredibly soft blanket, along with a pillow of mine. When I closed the hood I saw the girl's eyes, a bright, sea blue that shined elegantly in the moon.
Her hair was a different story.
I didn't know what it was, the crash or she had styled it like that. Surely not. It was giant, and pink, and poofy. Like someone had put balloons in her hair.
I opened the passenger side door and moved slowly, so she didn't think I was trying to harm her, and put the blanket around her snugly, putting the pillow behind her head and leaning the seat back so she was more comfortable.
She put her legs down, but eyed me curiously, like I was alien to her.
I closed the door and went to the other side of the car, noticing the damage on the drivers side door, a small dent.
I quickly subsided the thought of my car being more important than a human life, and jumped in, shifting and taking off into the night, towards Miami.
I didn't want her to fall asleep and not wake up again, so I started up a conversation.
"My name's Robert." I said out of nowhere, watching the road. "What's yours?"
She stared at me for a few seconds, moving around her lips like she was trying to make words.
"P-p" She quietly sounded out.
"Are you alright?" I asked, looking over to her, then transitioning back to watching the road.
"Pink-" She said, "ee"
"Your name is Pinkie?" I asked in confusion.
"Yes." She said. "Pinkie Pie."
I blinked.
Pinkie Pie...
I wasn't a generic name, but I took it.
"Okay, Pinkie Pie..." I said slowly, "Can you tell me why you wandering in the road?"
She didn't answer, only snuggled down deeper into the blanket and pillow.
"And, um... Why are you naked?" I asked awkwardly.
She looked at me again, this time with a confused look.
"Naked?" She asked.
I scratched the side of my face, "Yes Pinkie Pie, people wear clothes, we don't just walk around naked."
"Why not?" She asked.
I blushed, "Well, uh... most people don't just... 'show off' like that." I said with a snicker.
"Rainbow Dash likes to show off."
"Who is Rainbow Dash?" I asked, getting even more confused.
"My friend, she's a super duper fast Pegasus!" She said, making motions with her hands then quickly eyeing her fingers. "What are these?" She asked.
"You really need a doctor." I said.
"Why? I feel fine!" She said.
She had a bit of a loud squeaky voice, kind of funny sounding. Like a toddler, but still with a level of maturity.
"You don't sound fine." I chuckled.
"Why? Is it my voice? Or should I be quiet? Should I be loud?" She asked, shrinking down when she said quiet and puffing out her chest when she said loud.
The blanket slid down over her thin body, exposing her breasts.
"Oooo!" She cried, "What are these for?"
She began to poke and fondle them, the girl had no self conscious around men.
"Um... Your not supposed to do that right now, Pinkie."
"Why not?"
I reached over and covered her up, so they weren't exposed anymore, besides we were getting close to Miami and if I drove up with a girl with her breasts hanging out, I wouldn't exactly make such a good impression.
She put the covers down, laughing as she did, and I put it back up.
"Do you have a house in Miami or anything?" I asked, pulling the covers up and tying them around the head rest, so it was like a sort of tent.
She couldn't figure out how to untie the knots, so she eventually gave up and peeked out from the sides.
"Nope, I live in Sugarcube Corner with Mr. and Mrs. Cake!" She exclaimed.
"Is that a store or something?" I asked, raising an eyebrow to the names.
"Yup, we sell cake, and cookies, and cupcakes, and cake..." Before she went on, I had to slam on the breaks to avoid getting hit by a passing driver.
"Asshole..." I muttered.
Pinkie Pie lunged backwards and snorted with laughter.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"Wee!" She yelled. "Lets do that again!"
"Lets not."
I pulled into my hotel and stopped before I got out of the car, What was I going to do about her? I couldn't just walk in there with a half naked girl!
"Where is your store at?" I asked over her continuous laughter.
"In Ponyville silly!" She laughed.
I shook my head and lifted my phone up, looking for 'Ponyville' on Google Maps.
Nothing.
I was frustrated, not only was this girl naked, confusing and hilarious, I didn't know where she lived!
"You know what?" I said to her. "I'm gonna let you stay at my place just for tonight, then were gonna find your store."
"Okie Dokie Loki!" She cried.
"Stay right here." I said, "don't move from the car."
She froze in place, like a ten year old playing a game of freeze tag.
I cupped both of my hands around my face and closed the car door.
I ran quickly across the street into a PacSun and bought her a pink sweat shirt and a pair of black jeans. Sprinting back to the car, where I found the pink haired girl, still frozen in place.
"Okay." I said, getting into the car. "Put these on and we can go in."
The girl stayed frozen.
"Hey!" I said, snapping my fingers in front of her face. "I'm serious."
The side of her mouth moved.
"Psst... You have to say 'unfreeze' before I can move again." She informed me.
"Unfreeze." I said, rolling my eyes.
The girl stared at the clothes for a few seconds, then said,
"How?"
So I had to put both of them on her.
Oh boy.
I will rip this story to shreds. No going easy for you.
1711903
i see you're still here
1711958 Yup.
Not even going to bother sourcing the cover art by semehammer? For shame.
I'll be following this to see how it develops. I do expect a degree of anti-physics and anti-logic from The Pink One at some point. What I hope to not see is the Pinkamena side of her, but it's okay if that side of her gets included for a bit.
... Creepy. Its like a fan's fetish for meeting a pony in real life and having their way with her
1711929 im with you, i feel in the mood for extreme nit-picking
1712126
There are no such things as Bronies in this world
1712651
What is this "brony" you speak of....there's no such thing!..
I don't make a habit of reading human related stories here but this just screams READ ME... So I will.
You had me at "I need a hero!!!" by the way.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Okay, this . . . actually doesn't look all that bad. Good grammar, minimal errors, double-spacing, one speaker per paragraph . . . good, good.
"I" should be capitalized.
To quote the MST3K classic "Pod People": "Yeah, twist her spine all around!" Seriously, if someone has been hit by a car and is lying there unconscious, you shouldn't be picking them up unless you're a trained paramedic. Now, maybe your OC didn't know this, but it still annoys me.
. . . You didn't notice she was 90% naked when you had your ear pressed to her chest? What kind of 21-year-old are you?
Also, if Pinkie Pie doesn't have clothes on because she doesn't wear clothes as a pony . . . why does she have panties? Shouldn't she be totally naked?
"Look" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence.
Should be "you're," not "your." You're is the contraction of you are; your is the possessive of you.
You have a habit of using short, one-sentence paragraphs. Done correctly, this can heighten tension, but when overused it just makes the narrative choppy. You're overusing this device.
Your pacing is also a bit fast. Slow down and elaborate; describe the scene and Robert's thoughts and reactions. Paint us a picture; don't just give us a quick sketch.
This plot, honestly, is not original. Not saying it's bad, or you shouldn't pursue it, but it's been done before. That said, you show a fair bit of talent, so I hope you keep writing.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
I am really excited for the next chapter.
I actually can't rip this to shreds. There isn't enough for me to rip at that some one (looks up in the comments) hasn't already pointed out. Maybe next chapter I will do a compendium of all the things I can rip on.
so...much...grammar fail
I love how you described Pinkie's innocence.
....this is why i try not to read stories before they are finished. I read them and instantly want more only to find there isnt any. kinda sucks and i do it way to often. *facepalm* anyways cant wait for the next chapter. No pressure though since i realize how hard it is to write sometimes.....fuck i just said no pressure didnt I...sorry
1712651
...
...
PROCEED
Mor mor mor mor.
I am watching your every move.
And it's very boring. You haven't moved in a while.
So MOVE!!!
Don't be embarrassed by Bonnie Tyler, Mister Main Character! Everyone loves Bonnie Tyler, even the ones who say they don't because you can't the classics.