“Yo yo ziggas listen up we got a motherfuckin’ carriage to wash so let’s wash the fuck out of dis shit!” Doobie hollered at the group of zebras, the baby dragon and the wizard before him as he furiously rubbed the filthy rag on the wheel of the mighty vessel.
“Dude, this guy won’t stop... T- Touching me.” Said the gray coated wizard who was standing beside what seemed to be carriage owner.
“Just pretend he’s not there and he’ll leave you alone. Probably.” Doobie replied, rubbing his dirty rag deep beneath the wheels of the carriage.
“You’ve got nice titties for a little boy.” The carriage owner whispered to the wizard, who was starting to lose his cool.
“B- Back up old timer.” Muttered the wimpy wizard.
“Or what? You’ll blast me away with your magic? The tall black stallion laughed, pressing his thigh against that of the wizards.
“D- Doobie. H- Help.”
“Dammit Matt! Can’t you see I’m busy, Assface? Just turn him into something!” Doobie hollered, climbing out from under the carriage.
“So.. Your name’s Matt.” Said the black stallion, nibbling on Matt’s ear and rubbing his nipples.
“M- Magic Matt.”
“Ha, what?” The seeming to be pedofilic carraige owner chuckled. Unknowing of Magic Matt's true power, that would cause anypony in the right mind to tremble in fear, he continued attempting to molest Matt.
“I said my name is MAGIC MATT!” The wizard hollered as his horn began to glow.
“Ay Doobie, Matt’s pissed off again. Keep your head down.” The small purple dragon warned.
Doobie looked over towards Matt, who was backing the old nigger into a corner. “Blast him Matt!” He yelled.
Matt, dripping with sweat caused by a mixture of anxiety and exhaustion from moving 2ft, aimed his horn at the old stallion and blasted him in the face with some sort of magical beam of not good things.
The beam of light dissipated and there was nothing left but a steaming hot apple pie.
“Oh boy!” Said Matt as he ran over and started noisily ingesting the former perverted stallion.
“Did he just turn that dude into a pie and start to eat him?” One of the zebras yelled from the other side of the garage.
“Yup. He sure did.” Doobie said, staring at Matt and the nearly gone pie.
“...Sheeeiiit! We got ourselves a talented wizard in our vicinity! Here I was thinkin’ he was all bark and no magical bite!” Shouted the zebra as the other zebras got up and they all walked over to Doobie and Matt.
“You damn right ‘bout dat, son.” Matt fucked, having chundered down all of the super delicious treat.
“Yo ziggas, dis guy right here can drop a sick motherfuckin’ beat as well. Wanna hear some?” Doobie said, grabbing matt and putting him on top on a makeshift stage that was just a dirty handkerchief.
“Alright, alright. For you guys, I’ll drop a sick beat.” Matt said as he started to beatbox.
The group of zebras stood there speechless at Matt’s mind-blowingly good beatboxing skills.
“Hey guys, wanna hear my one?” Doobie said, shoving Matt off of the stage.
“Um, I’m not sure that’s a very good idea, Doobie...” Spike said, looking nervous.
“Shut the fuck up Spike, just because you think it’s bad doesn’t mean they will.” Doobie hollered in the adorable little dragon’s face.
The green and purple infinitely sweaty unicorn lifted his head high, opened his gob and started to sing.
*******
The two unicorns and the baby dragon hit the floor after being tossed out of the doorway by the intensely angry group of zebras.
“AND STAY OUT!” One of them screamed.
“Guys, what just happened?” spike asked.
“Apparently ziggas don’t like my singing. Why does nobody like my singing?” Doobie said, looking sad.
“I dunno man, your singing is beautiful to me. Since we just lost our jobs, how about we hit the town? I’m buying dinner. Let me go get my wallet.” Matt said, walking down the road.
Doobie and Spike watched Magic Matt walk down the road for a while before pulling a very old unicorn mare into a dark alleyway. they heard screams, grunts, a splashing sound and then a crunch. Matt came out of the alley chewing on something crunchy and putting a fancy purse under his hat.
Knowing better than to ask questions and not really wanting to know what Matt was chewing, Doobie and spike started to walk to the nearest fancy restaurant before being joined by matt, still crunching on the mystery meat.
*******
“Good evening sirs, how may i serve you today?” The waiter said to the three guys as they made their way to a table of the fancy restaurant “le grande fromage”.
“Got an beef, ya mug?” Matt hollered at the waiter.
“Excuse me, sir? What is ‘an beef’?” The waiter asked, looking confused.
“Just some cucumber sandwiches, my man. No vegetables.” Doobie said to the waiter as Matt grumbled in the corner like a dosey cunt.
“...right. Three pieces of bread, coming right up.” The waiter said as he backed away from the three sweat and grease smeared mongoloids.
The three guys sat down and waited for their fancy meal while talking about how much they loved cheese and magic. The waiter came with lightening speed holding three pieces of expertly buttered bread which the three started to much on.
Magic Matt slowly stopped chewing and looked up at the waiter.
“Is there a problem, sir?” The waiter inquired, looking worried. Maybe the chef had picked his nose and wiped it onto the meal again.
“Th- this... This bread. It... It has butter on it.” Magic Matt stated, carefully putting down the bread and butter.
“I’m sorry sir, you didn't specify if you wanted butter or not. I’m afraid i can’t do anything about it because you didn’t tell me no butter.” The waiter said, looking a little uneasy.
“Everyone, out. Right now.” matt said.
“Excuse me?” The waiter inquired.
“I SAID EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ROOM RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I SWEAR TO FUCK I WILL EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!” Matt screamed, pieces of bread and butter flying out of his mouth as he jumped onto the table. everyone turned their heads to him and his threatening statement as if he was some kind of insane magical horse.
“I said... OUT!” Matt shouted as his horn lit up and everyone except from him and the waiter was engulfed in his magic field and thrown out of the door which subsequently slammed.
Doobie and Spike got up, climbed over the carpet of injured or battered ponies to the door and put their ears to it, wondering what Matt was doing to the poor guy.
“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW DARE YOU PUT BUTTER ON MY BREAD! ARE YOU INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE?” Matt screamed at the waiter.
“I- I didn’t know you didn’t like b- butter, sir! You never told me!” The waiter insisted, sounding on the verge of tears. Anyone in his situation would be, considering Matt’s near effortless feat of clearing a room of more than thirty ponies in mere seconds.
“DIDN’T KNOW? I’LL TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT NOT KNOWING. LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT HIT YOU!” Matt hollered at the top of his lungs.
Doobie and Spike both cringed as they heard tables being overturned, cutlery smashing and the waiter screaming. After the screaming stopped and the waiter was either unconscious or dead the smashing was heard for a few more seconds and then the doors flew open, blasting Doobie and Spike backward onto the crowd of ponies.
Magic Matt walked out of the restaurant completely unscathed and started to walk through the crowd of ponies as they stared in horror at what he had done. He had quite literally painted the walls with the waiter’s body fluids and hung the empty bag of skin and bone on the chandelier. Some ponies gasped in horror and disgust while more than a few cried or vomited.
Doobie and Spike both started to walk next to Matt. knowing better than to ask questions or hang around long enough for the police to arrive. They walked for a while leaving their troubles behind them before they came to the city limits, obviously planning on leaving Trottingham thanks to losing their jobs and Matt’s incredibly violent assault on a pony.
“Where the fuck are we gonna go now?” Spike said, being the only (slightly) sane person in the group.
“Hmm... Don’t worry. I’ll handle this.” Doobie said, his horn lighting up. Never a good sign.
Doobie’s horn started to spark and make strange sounds before guttering out like a candle. A few seconds later it shot into life and blasted him up, up, up into the air where he spun around screaming and flailing his arms. He dropped onto the floor with a sickening thud a few feet away from the two others and then got up, careful not to move his head. His horn was pointing to a large city on the side of a mountain way in the distance.
“Alright then. TO CANTERLOT!” He screamed.
I need some weed to go with this story.
1696050 Seven views, eight downvotes
1696436 Perfect logic.
1696436 7 views/11 downvotes?
what is this i dont even
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdz152SBOl1rlvphuo1_400.gif
Let's make this 20!
…Am I cool yet?
Edit:
Okay, yeah, I feel totally justified in having downvoted this now.
I made it about halfway through, and now I cannot even words.
Quickly, let's get this to 420 favorites!
1696914
You see what you have done author?
You have broken one of the most diligent reviewers out there.
1696436 Only the truly shitty stories of this world are capable of such a feat.
Dear author, as a TWE reviewer, it is my duty to pick apart your story piece by piece and give criticism, so next time, you wont write such a steaming pile of shit. Although you could very well be a troll, in the case that you aren't, I hope you'll see my assholish comments as more than just me being an asshole. I truly want to help you improve. That said, I'll give you a list of plot holes and factual inaccuracies I found here. Brace your ass, cause there are a lot of them.
1)
I promise you that no rapper or gangsta ever talks like that. Cursing for no reason doesn't suddenly make it funny or gangsta-sounding in any way. Use cursing where it works, and it'll sound more like a realistic person, less like a 10-year-old playing Call of Duty.
2)
Okay, where did this pedophile come into play? I know that he's the one getting his carriage washed, but it's like the story turned from carriages to molestation on a dime. And why is he so up-front about wanting Matt? Pedophiles never just go out and tell little boys they have nice titties. Again, you overdid another personality by making it way too over-the-top creepy. Also, in what universe do ponies have tits? Ponies. Don't. Have. Tits.
3)
When the fuck did ponies start having nipples!?!? Did they undergo some sort of instantaneous evolutionary change that gave them nips? I mean, sure they're mammals, and mammals technically do... have nipples, but... ponies... uhh... what the fuck.
4)
Ya know, if I close my right eye... and then close my left eye... and then become illiterate; it becomes slightly harder to tell you're an obvious troll.
5)
Ya know, if I gouged out both my eyes, and lobotomized the part of my brain that performs logical thought processes; it becomes only 92% obvious you're a troll.
5)
What? He's a cannibal wizard pony? If you're going to make Matt a psychopath, at least give an explanation of how and why he became one.
7)
I'll give you a hint. It's red, it's crunchy, and it's pony flesh. Take a wild guess.
8)
I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say Matt kills the waiter.
9)
Yup. Just goes to show, you can make your story as stupid as you want as long as you have no explanation for anything. Fuck this shit.
Okay, so overall, I am extremely disappointed. I feel like this could have been a genuinely funny fic if you had just slowed down, used realistic characterization, and had maybe thrown in an explanation or two for why Matt is a homicidal nut, and yet, pays no consequences. My advice: large amounts of editing, large amounts of Ibuprofen, and smaller amounts of gory murder that would make Hannibal Lectar shit himself.
~Inspectah Dash. TWE's eyeless, illiterate, lobotomized official reviewer.
All right, let's get this over with.
>takes a deep breath
>puts on giant smile
Hi there! Scribblestick the Chill here. You seem to have an awful lot of downvotes. Let's see if we can figure out why.
So let's see if I understand the plot so far. Two obnocious, racist ponies and Spike are washing carriages when Lord Pervert starts trying to molest Mr. Magician. Rather than do the sensible thing and ask the belligerant creep to back off or call the police, they decide to turn their paying customer into a pie and eat him. For some reason, no one cares about this at all, and they keep washing the carriage. At that point, Mr. Magician decides to beatbox (which I guess translates to annoying noises approximating dubstep), which is recieved with raucous applause. Friend Guy decides to sing (opera, apparently) and gets the trio fired. I guess the managers just hate opera or something.
After Mr. Magician assaults, mugs, murders, and eats a passerby, the trio goes to a restaurant and orders bread. The waiter brings them buttered bread, and for some reason, Mr. Magician sees this as the single most offensive act a pony could possibly commit. Like, 8 billion Holocausts on steriods wouldn't even begin to compare to how incredibly dastardly this deed is. For some reason, the waiter can't just get more bread, so Mr. Magicial forcibly removes all the restaurant's occupants and proceeds to redecorate the interior with the waiter's body parts and fluids.
The trio has apparently been in this kind of situation before and vacate the premises post haste to decide what to do next. Friend Guy casts a ridiculously over-the-top Spin-the-Pony spell, and the trio decides to go to Canterlot.
I don't even know where to start. Everything about this is just wrong. The characters are entirely unlikable, the plot makes no sense, and everything is absurdly over-the-top. You use the ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE far too often, and you have some really basic mechanical errors throughout.
Hmm, it's a sequel. Let's see what the other one looks like...
>opens story
>13-17 vote ratio
>19K words
>reads description
Eenope.
Yup. That about says it all.
~Scribblestick
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Ok... I'm starting to think that people don't like mine and Mr. Fosters story.
The point of the whole story is that it's supposed to be an half assed attempt for two idiots to bake up a delicious plot-less story that is somewhat funny.
If you read our previous story, you'll realize that we don't really put much effort into making things make sense. If you're looking for a serious story I suggest you look elsewhere. But if you enjoyed this story so far stick around, because we are determined to finish it.
--Magic Matt--
1697942
Wow... I didn't think it was that bad
I'm guessing that you didn't even laugh...
Not even a little bit?
No?
Meh, if you want some sort of explanation for why the characters act in the way that they do, then you should brighten your day by reading the first story (If you haven't already). This being the squeal.
I'm sure you'll love it!
Hi guys. Mr. Foster here.
I'd just like to say I am thrilled with the reviews this story has gotten. I genuinely cried laughing at the long ones. Thank you all for the kind words you have put forth and let me tell you that they have spurred me and Matt on in our trainwreck of a horrible piece-o'-shit story that is Doobie and Magic Matt go to Canterlot.
And for the record I'd just like to say the retarded things that made you readers really hate this story were completely intentional and not serious.
1698017
1697942
You guys, especially scribble nearly made me laugh myself to death with the reviews. Thank you so much and let me clarify this story is in NO way serious. The whole thing is meant to be super retarded.
1700626 Then you sir, have succeeded beyond every meaning of the word. A legless cockroach with down-syndrome could have written a more logical story. Congrats.
1701650
That means a lot, man. I sincerely thank you.
1702154
What a nice chap.