I'm gonna make it!
“I´m gonna make it!” Rainbow Dash was ready. She was going to go twice the speed of sound. She started from up high from Canterlot. Everypony gathered there to see it. First, she would do the sonic rainboom horizontal. After that, she would go straight down to the ground to do the second one, and after that she would fly low over the calm water. It would be a blast for her and the crowd. There wasn’t very much time left for these perfect conditions, so she started. The first sonic rainboom was easy; She did it over a hundred times before. But the second one... that was new. Going straight for the Ground at full speed. Rainbows were already behind her. She could feel it. The second rainboom. A bright white light appeared, a huge explosion followed.
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“I’m gonna make it!” I screamed in my car. Two more laps to go. I was at two hundred MPH; Nothing could stop me from this win. Close to the wall, and then low, and again close to the wall. A perfect racing line. Now there was only one more lap to go. Other drivers started to come closer. Closer to the wall, closer to the inside, and then again closer to the wall. Last turn the same concept, only a little bit sharper. But a driver put his car to my inside. I was faster out of the corner and saw the finish line right in front of me. Nothing could stop me. As the finish line came closer, my cockpit started to brighten up. A flash of light was followed with a deep thud. Suddenly my steering wheel was pulling my hands. Something must have broken. My rear end started to slide. I did all I could to keep my car straight, But it didn't pay off. My car turned around making me face over thirty cars coming straight at me at two hundred MPH. Lucky for me, the track was banked. My car slid down off the track, still making a nasty hit with the inside wall. My back hurt badly, but I had to cross the line. My car didn´t drive in a straight line anymore. With my back pain going away because of the adrenaline I got, I drove my car into the pits, causing me to cross the finish line, but making me able to directly drive into the garage.
“NO! It can’t! Why!? What happened!?” I screamed in the empty garage. No one was around. Everybody already packed and were at the pit wall. With tears in my eyes I looked in my mirror. In front of the sad looking smoke coming from my overheated tires, there was color. A bright cyan color. It looked lifeless. As I cleared my eyes I looked around. I looked behind me. That’s when I saw something. As a Brony, I identified it as Rainbow Dash. That couldn’t be true, so I cleared my eyes again and looked again. Again, I saw Rainbow Dash laying down breathing slowly. My mouth fell open. What should I do? My car was standing behind the garage. Over the radio, my team boss called. “We’re coming. Are you OK?” I had to act quickly. What would they do with Rainbow if they found out she was here? I didn’t hesitate a moment and quickly untied my seat belts. I turned around and found a way passed my bucket seat, I picked up Rainbow and took her to my car. As fast as possible, I put her down in the passenger seat and put a seat belt around her. I started my car and drove off. To my house.
At my house, I didn’t know how fast I had to react. With Rainbow in my arms I ran to my house. It was a little bit busy outside, so I hoped that nobody saw it. In my house it was warm and cozy. I put her down on the soft couch, with a blanket over her, so she would feel the warmth. She was cold. She felt weak. Would she be ok?
This is the worst chapter. Please, correct me for mistakes and bad writing all the chapters. I would learn a lot because of it.
Alright, since you literally asked for it, I'm here to review.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/7/10/zq3PpHNWkUmZnP8ZnoNmCw2.gif
HyperRandomness' active review mode, GO!
You're gonna make it? Well, I'm gonna wreck it! img.stpcdn.net/game-icons-100/wreck-it-ralph.jpg
COLOR CODE:
Red - Spelling Error
Blue - Grammatical Error
Green - Suggested Revision
Purple - Suggested Replacement
Orange - Reviewer Note
Well, you did pretty well on grammar and the sorts, but I can certainly see a lot of places where fusing sentences would make the paragraph flow smoothly. You did a decent job so far, but talking in short-burst sentences is for time-travelers and people who have no time to write properly. Slow down and take the time to be sure the wording flows smoothly from one sentence to the next.
Interesting. You suddenly have a tense change. Was that intentional?
Oh. I see. It's a perspective shift.
I think it's fairly interesting that you have a sudden change to a human (and that it's not HiE. Thank goodness!), but the sudden change seems a little... off to me. Yes, I get how the first chapter plays into the next, but it really ruins immersion to have a perspective change without any sort of warning or indicator. At first, I assumed Rainbow Dash was driving the car. I was fairly confused.
This is an interesting setup you have. Rainbow's about to do a double-rainboom (somehow) and this guy is in a race. There's a bright light in both instances, then the guy suddenly has car troubles. I think I see where you're going with this.
Yep. I was right.
Rainbow Dash on Earth. Pretty interesting, albeit done before, and I find it very 'convenient' how Rainbow Dash shows up to slam into this guy's car... during a race. How very fitting.
Moving on!
Alright, that's cool and all, and I can understand why Rainbow Dash is unconscious, but wouldn't anyone else have seen Dash on the track? I'm fairly certain they would have, considering it's hard to overlook a chromatic-maned pony, of all things.
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120921164820/dragonage/images/2/2a/Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
No transitions? Yeah, that's not gonna fly with a lot of readers. A lot of people will want transitions inbetween traveling and destinations, or at least some filler to indicate time has passed in order to keep the flow of the section smooth.
It looks like Dash may have sustained some serious injury. I hope that turns out well.
Okay, so, to be honest, I like the premise of the story. I really do. The way you have sentence breaks and fragments everywhere... I don't like that. You should consider reading this aloud and see if it flows/makes sense before posting it, and I would suggest getting an editor to help you with all the slight grammatical trouble.
Other than that, this was pretty good! Keep trying!
/HyperRandomness, Official Former TWE Reviewer and general understander of nothing.
1820379
I concur with this review.
This man was clearly in the good part of the TWE.
Except the part where "A bright blue color. Rainbow Dash is Cyan.". This is pedantic.
He really did cover what I have to say though.
Good try, +1. I might go through the rest of this shortly.
Meh it's been done before
My Little Dashie
touching Rainbows
The only difference Between those fics and this one is that their written better
No just jus- just NO