He saw it; something he never thought he’d see. Frieza’s demise at the hands of his own son. Kakarot, his low-level son would defeat Frieza, the most powerful being in the universe. It was a beacon of redemption for the Saiyan race.
Bardock smiled as his body was being destroyed. The armour on his body was breaking away and his clothes were being disintegrated in the blast that would destroy Planet Vegeta. But that didn’t matter to him anymore. His eyes went blind as the last hint of his life faded and he felt nothing. Bardock had died.
Meanwhile in Equestria…
“Come on, Spike, we’re going to be late. The others are already waiting for us.” Twilight nudged the little dragon as he scuttled about the Library, trying to finish packing before Twilight could talk again.
“I’m going as fast as I can, Twilight. Jeez, anypony’d think you’ve never seen a meteor shower before.” he closed the last of the suitcases and placed it next to Twilight’s own.
“Spike, this is going to be the first meteor shower I see with all my friends, Princess Celestia and Luna included. My parents are even going to be there as well as my brother and sister-in-law. This is very important to me, Spike. And with Equestria on the verge of war against the changelings, it’s an incredible thing the princesses are doing by taking the time to watch it with us.”
Spike stopped listening as Twilight rambled on and on about the importance of the meteor shower and the sacrifices half the attendants were making. He grinned slightly as he found himself ready to go while Twilight was lost in her own little world, fantasising about the evening.
Rainbow Dash hadn’t packed anything other than an autograph book and a quill for the Wonderbolts to sign should she come across them. Applejack had the honour of packing the food for the trip, along with Pinkie who had contributed deserts with the bundle. Rarity packed too much and gave the others the foreboding sense that she’d be held back at the station to choose what to leave behind as that amount exceeded the weight limit by three times. Fluttershy seemed sad to go as her animal friends waved goodbye from the Library. Finally, Twilight had packed her telescope, protractor, compass and constellation charts in one suitcase while she’d packed a pair of pyjamas and a few (twelve) books to read on the way to Canterlot as well as after the meteor shower and on the way back home the next day.
As they all reached the station, the inevitable happened. Rarity had begun to kick up a fuss about the contents of her baggage being only the bare essentials for a girl to remain beautiful in Canterlot. Despite her self-proclaimed infallible arguments, she was ordered to reduce the contents by half, which kept the others on the station for a further twenty minutes, leaving them all barely enough time to get on the train.
“Honestly Rarity, you should have learned from the last time you took the train to Canterlot. We nearly missed our schedule.” Rainbow Dash groaned at the white mare who seemed rather sulky.
“I wouldn’t have let that happen.” Twilight chimed in before Rarity could come up with some other prattle to defend her position. The others looked to Twilight for confirmation.
“What do ya mean, Sugar Cube?” Applejack asked, taking her Stetson off as she sat down in her seat.
“I’d have boarded this train without waiting for her. If she or any of you guys missed the train, then tough luck.” Twilight stared out at the window, looking up at the sky. Spike cleared his throat.
“Uh, the thing you have to understand is that meteor showers are really important to Twilight. She was born the instant a meteor shower started one night.” The others leaned away and nodded as they made realising sounds. “It’s actually how she got her name. The Meteors were sparkling in the twilight. So there you have it.”
With the story of Twilight’s name concluded, the six ponies, plus one dragon began to discuss the exciting events of the night before them. While Twilight was focused on the sky outside, Spike explained that Celestia had planned the evening out, leaving plenty of time between dinner and the appearance of the meteors.
“Hey, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash called, drawing the unicorn away from her daydreams.
“Hm?”
“What exactly are meteors made of?” she asked. The others quieted down to hear the answer. Twilight took a moment to consider her response.
“Well, there are a few theories. One suggests that meteors are pieces of other worlds that have died long ago, possibly before our world was even made. They’ve travelled from billions upon billions of light-years away, never changing their course unless the gravity of another world shifts them.” the ponies took interest in her details.
“Ooh, ooh! How long’s a light-year?” Pinkie asked.
“A light-year isn’t a unit of time, Pinkie. It’s a unit of length. A single light-year is approximately six trillion miles.”
“Woah!” the others said, leaning back in their seats.
“So what are the other theories as to the origin of meteors?” Rarity asked. Twilight cleared her throat.
“Well another suggests that in space, there are dust particles, much like those little bits of dust you see near your bedside lamp; if a gravitational centre begins to develop, those bits of dust will come together and compress, growing bigger and bigger until they become stone. And they’ll just keep on compiling, growing in size and mass. At other times, meteors will come together, and over the course of time, will become one. Personally, I prefer the first possibility. I relish the thought of other worlds, other civilisations that once existed and a piece of them is on its way here.” Twilight looked out to the sky once again, smiling at the prospects.
“Other civilisations… maybe there were ponies that walked on two legs?” Rainbow Dash suggested.
“Ooh, yeah! And ponies with three eyes!” Pinkie chimed in.
“Or one eye… if that’s alright to say.” Fluttershy squeaked. Twilight huffed in amusement at their simplistic thoughts.
“There’s always the possibility that they weren’t ponies, but something else entirely.” The others felt a sense of unease at that prospect, except for Pinkie Pie who began to think she meant Timber Wolves that could speak.
The train pulled into Canterlot, where Shining Armour, Cadence and Twilight’s parents were waiting with smiles on their faces. Twilight lit up as she saw her parents. It felt like ages to her since she’d last seen them. She introduced her friends who gave them their customary greetings.
“It’s a pleasure to meet all of you. We never really got the chance during Shining and Cadence’s wedding. My husband and I were only able to attend the ceremony. Duties forced us to leave sooner than we wanted.” Twilight’s mother said.
“Right, Twilight, y’all never said what it is your parents do for a livin’.” Applejack replied, turning to the lavender unicorn.
“Oh, right. Well our parents are in fact nobility. My mother owns the leading bank company in Equestria; the Commonewealth. And Dad is one of the three influential powers that deal with liaising to other races. He’s got a pretty good silver tongue when it comes to negotiating.” Rarity almost fainted at this knowledge. She’d been friends with Canterlot nobility and she didn’t know it.
“But Twilight, when I was sent here to design a dress and you arrived for your party in an incomplete one, all those ponies didn’t recognise you.” she said. Twilight’s father interrupted.
“That’s because there is a huge difference between those ponies and us. They are rich and adopt the title of nobility in order to enlarge their popularity. Actual nobles such as ourselves are known only by name and rumour. They don’t know what we look like, which allows us to go through the city uninhibited by…fakers.” he replied, taking on a somewhat dark tone.
Rarity chuckled nervously. “And to think I wanted to be like them. Rich and powerful. You must think me a horrid pony.” she said. Twilight’s father cleared his throat.
“No. By all means. Become rich and powerful. But do not pretend to think that you’re more than you really are. To act pompous is to demean nobility, and we dislike it.” Twilight gave her father a slight kick.
“Dad, stop being such a purist in front of my friends. Or do you want to become cactus boy again until the meteors come?” she threatened. Twilight’s mother chuckled nervously.
“Yes, dear. These are Twilight’s friends, after all. Be nice.” The blue stallion sighed and smiled at Twilight.
“I meant no disrespect or insult. I’m sure Rarity will be a wonderfully rich mare some day and will adhere to my… request.” he said. Rarity nodded.
“Of course, kind sir. Perhaps I will learn from you during my visit?” she suggested.
“Oh, Ah don’t think you’ll have time to learn anything, sugar cube.” Applejack interrupted, a smile planted on her features.
“And why not, Applejack?” Rarity demanded, turning to the orange farm pony. Rainbow Dash strode up beside Applejack with a similar smile on her face.
“Because your luggage isn’t on the train.” she squeaked, trying to hold in a laugh. Rarity went wide-eyed and ran to the baggage department to search for her things. There was a moment’s pause before a shrill scream could be heard from beyond. Applejack and Rainbow Dash both burst out laughing.
“Dash, she’s gonna kill us when she finds out you hid her things on the roof of the train.” Applejack cried.
“You mean the train that’s departed the station and is half a kilometre in that direction?” Twilight asked. The laughing stopped and was followed by worried screeches as Rainbow Dash shot off after the train.
“Twilight, couldn’t you just teleport the bags here?” Spike asked. Twilight smiled.
“Already done.” The group laughed at the turmoil that had transpired in the matter of a minute and prepared to head for the castle.
The greetings were as formal as possible with a stressed out Rarity and a hyped up Pinkie Pie in the group, but Twilight managed to greet her idols and in-laws with a calm expression. Surprisingly, Luna was the first to break formalities as she pulled Twilight into a massive hug. Fortunately, she’d managed to eliminate the regal voice from her repertoire.
“Oh, miss Sparkle, ‘tis a delight to see you once again. We are most pleased that you came to visit.” Twilight felt her back crack, which helped to relieve some of the tension she was having over the evening.
“It’s nice to see you too, Luna… you’re looking as young as ever, no pun intended.” Twilight replied, gasping for air as the alicorn released her.
“Thank you Twilight Sparkle… I’m sorry, was I too rough?” she asked, inspecting the unicorn as she panted.
“Little bit. But I’ll be fine. Just need to get the other lung working again.” Twilight pounded her chest and coughed a bit, leaving Luna quite guilty as she hung her head in embarrassment.
“Hey, if you can’t crush your niece, then who can you crush?” Spike asked, trying to cheer the lunar princess up a bit.
“The nephew?” Rarity mumbled. Shining looked at Rarity with questioning eyes. “Not you, the other one who prances like a magnificent poofter at social gatherings.” Luna and Cadence both laughed.
“I can’t believe you said that.” Cadence said.
“We can’t believe you think he only does it at social gatherings.” Luna added. At this point, even Celestia let out an amused chuckle at Blueblood’s expense.
“My dear friends and family, Dinner will be ready soon. I’ve allowed two hours between then and the show for you all to prepare or make any last additions to anything you see fit to bring with you when we go looking at the meteors. Twilight, we’ve opened up the observation deck in your study as we believe it would be the best place to view them.” Celestia began. Twilight beamed with happiness as her greatest desire was coming true.
Dinner had been spectacular. It was a buffet of various fruits and vegetables, all served fresh, sliced, steamed, fried, smoked and battered to serve everypony’s tastes. Desert was an assortment of muffins, cupcakes, ice creams in various colours, including a rainbow, chocolates, biscuits, sweet breads, doughnuts, the works. Everypony was satisfied with the meals and had gone off to get themselves ready for the big event. This meteor shower was a rare event. Usually, the meteors would only come once every ten years, but this set had approached five years early.
Twilight was the first to wait, having been given the time to prepare in her study, it was only natural. Celestia and Luna both appeared first, taking their places beside their friend, niece and (in the case of Celestia) student. Twilight’s parents emerged afterward, seating themselves beside Celestia, then Shining Armour turned up with Cadence and sat beside Luna. Applejack appeared and sat behind Twilight, positioned slightly to Twilight’s right side nearer to Celestia. Fluttershy mirrored her and sat closer to Luna. Pinkie Pie bounced into view and took a space next to Cadence, Rarity sat next to Twilight’s mother and inadvertently bowed to both of them, eliciting a chuckle from the father. Finally, Rainbow Dash hovered in and perched on a cloud just above and behind Twilight. She made sure not to inhibit anypony’s vision of the night sky as the stars came out.
“It’s almost here, I can feel it.” Twilight began. There was silence as everypony looked out for the first.
“There!” Luna called, her hoof following the meteor as it passed by.
“Ooh, another one!” Pinkie called as a second one shot into view. Each pony managed to call out to a meteor as they all began to rain across the world.
“Woah, that one was close to the planet’s surface.” Rainbow Dash said, rising to her hooves in anticipation. “Hey, you think one will land here?” she asked.
“We should be so lucky, Dash.” Twilight began. “We might find one of your space ponies colonising on it.” she mused. Rainbow Dash chuckled sheepishly as every pony began to laugh.
No sooner was it said, than a meteor broke off from the others and angled towards Equestria. Fluttershy was the first to call it out.
“Oh, look at that one. It’s coming this way.” she said in her timid voice, but she was heard none the less. Luna examined the trajectory of the meteor.
“Oh boy.” she said, drawing everypony’s attention.
“What is it, sister?” Celestia asked. Luna swallowed first before she answered.
“If I’m right, then given the trajectory of the meteor and the speed at which it’s travelling, we all have exactly ten seconds to move from this spot because it’s going to crash right here.” she said. Every pony screamed in both suspense and fear as they either took to the sky, ran or teleported to safety. Twilight remained behind, curious about the meteor. It didn’t flow like one would. It was spiralling. She erected a barrier around the observatory just in time. The object touched the barrier and it stretched inward, slowing the meteor down to a crawl.
The barrier popped like a bubble and a strange creature landed on the floor of the observatory.
“What in Equestria?” Twilight muttered to herself as she examined the creature. It was tall, bipedal and virtually hairless save its mane and a tail like that of a monkey’s It seemed to wear tattered and burned clothes beneath a strange armour plating that remained attached to the waist. It was a fragment, but probably enough to replicate.
“Twilight, what happened, why didn’t you…” Shining Armour burst through the door, only to see Twilight standing beside the strangest thing he’d ever seen in his life. He was followed shortly after by Celestia and Luna who saw only the creature.
“Sister, what is it?” Luna asked, creeping closer to look at it better. Celestia’s words hollowed the bones of every pony in hearing range.
“I don’t know.”
oh god. verdict coming momentarily.
Sounds like another over-the-top, violent character coming to Equestria, which I always find funny in some way. Looking forward to reading
EDIT: Oh my god, cliffhanger! I am very interested in the story so far, but the paragraphs are kinda long which makes keeping my place a bit hard...But that may just be me. I'm looking forward to how you portray Bardock in a land of ponies.
FIRST its starting really good and can't wait for more chapters
EDIT well fuck when I was reading it I didn't see anyone else
Let's see where this one goes...
meeeeeeeehhhhhh..... You need a pre-reader, BADLY. Someone who knows proper grammar. Also, most characters were OOC.
These are the problems I had with it, but that probably won't help you. Take some advice from a fellow writer:
Firstly, the characters need to be more convincing. To achieve this, try imagining them saying what you type- actually imagine hearing their voice saying it on TV. In addition, do NOT over-emphasize their personality traits. Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack all seemed heavily "stereotyped"- that is, they don't feel like themselves, but rather superficial models of them.
Second- Punctuation, grammar, all that jazz. Do not ever post a finished chapter unless it it 100% understandable. I can see you're not stupid; you've made an effort, you know how to spell and the punctuation is okay.... but, it has the definite feel that grammar checkers did a lot of work. Long story short: get a pre-reader who had some kind of qualification in English Language. I'd recommend (sorry for British terminology) an A at GCSE level, MINIMUM.
The rest is more difficult to explain. Here's my best attempt at vocalizing my advice:
Try to keep the characters and dialogue BEFORE the story. I personally don't like the way parts of the story pan out, but that's my preference. I'll let others expand on that. The thing is, you seem to know exactly where you want the story to go, and that's a good thing; problem is, this means that you're adapting how the characters would act and react to keep within your (I'm sorry, but frankly narrow) vision. Try to let the characters surprise you. Don't adapt them to fit your story, adapt the story to fit them. This is EXTREMELY important for an enjoyable story.
And, also, think more carefully about how you deal with character interactions. Especially between Celestia, Luna and the Mane 6. This is just going back to the OOC thing, but honestly, that's your biggest problem: making the characters speak, think, act, and react convincingly. As you write, watch clips of the character who's dialogue or actions you're writing. Make sure you're portraying them ac accurately as possible!! Kyrospawn is your friend.
That's it. I want to help you be a better writer. Honestly, I think you just need practice. Get used to the characters; get used to understandable description, don't overuse words within a few paragraphs, and above all, MAKE THE DIALOGUE CONVINCING!
(by the way, I never give a story thumbs down unless it's unreadable. I didn't really like this, so no thumb up, but if you get better at writing you'll get many of them.)
2 words "vasto lorde"
1679837 Um, you're actually third, not first.
1680017 thank you for telling me that because I wasn't fully sure
1679961 What are you getting at?
1680114 I haven't seen/read that.
Im just saying how similar bardocks entrance is to hollow ichigos entrance in the story vasto lorde1680074
Well you should the beggining is very similar to this chapter
Okay, so Bardock has arrived in Equestria just as the ponies are on the precipice of a war with the Changelings. Sounds like Chrysalis might be the opponent who pisses him off enough to trigger his Super Saiyan transformation!
Hold on...does Bardock still have his tail? If he does, as soon as he sees Luna's moon, he'll transform into an Oozaru! That means that he could singlehandedly decimate the Changeling army in a battle that drags on until the evening hours!
EDIT: , Bardock still has his tail, which means the instant he sees the moon, he's going to become a Great Ape.
1679837 Maybe you should have refreshed the page before you commented.
well im peaked with interest i will be waiting to see were this story go's
Nice! Captured Bardock's dramatic death in the anime perfectly. Only a few minor errors. Way to go
1680312 yeah maybe I should have
1681174 . Good way to save yourself from saying you commented first when you've actually been beaten to the punch.
Yes yes I know and sorry just didn't see anyone when I was reading sheesh give a guy a break here
xsimreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/wpid-1298305804533_MOAR_LOLZ-s450x516-143512-5802.jpg
Now that I think about it... Isn't Twilight not supposed to know her birthday dress was unfinished?
1679961I was the editor for that!
Yes, please continue this. It's been good so far, so please keep it up.
1682481 *gasp*
1683258 Don't mock meh!
But anyway I did a horrible job, unlike my own story.
you have my attention.
1679949
Basically, this.
Reading this story, I noticed many times where words were misspelled, put in the wrong place, or not the right word to use. One example is the part talking about how Pinkie was bringing dessert for the trip, only you had desert (as in, the Sahara Desert). I've also noticed words being capitalized incorrectly.
Also, I have to agree about the characters being OOC. Twilight for example seemed overly harsh, and the reason given in the story didn't really excuse it. What I'm talking about is how Twilight basically told Rarity that she could go screw herself if she did anything to prevent Twilight from leaving. Honestly, it seemed like that entire part was forced in order to inform the readers that Twilight likes meteor showers, at the cost of having Twilight act like a complete jerk to one of her best friends. You don't need that part. Just have Twilight excitedly tell her friends about how much she's looking forward to it. That serves the exact same point (showing how much she loves meteor showers), without having her be OOC.
It seems that nearly every dragon ball z crossover, including mine, have the character coming during a meteor storm seems to fit haha
1683787 im not mocking you I loooove the story...I just wish ne chapters weren't so slow
1682371 yeah what the fat guy poster said we need moar
moar please!!!! you get all my moustaches
give him his phsycic powers
1679961 I concur.
1783928 *gasp* B-bradledew?
I...I...
I have no words. Give me a minute to find some.
Okay, I had hopes for this fic, yet there are many issues. Your characters talk instead of acting, you don't show what is happening, they simply talk. Twilight wouldn't threaten her father to turn him into a cactus, even jokingly. She would either be embarassed about that or feel sad by being reminded how she did it to her parents, so she wouldn't bring it up. Neither would she say that she would leave without her friends or Spike ignoring Twilight blatantly like that.
Having Twilight and her parents be nobility can be okay, but it felt like a forced explanation here. I didn't see anything important in this detail. Twilight being born during a meteor shower felt like a way to make her special, to connect her further to the event. It felt bad the way it was explained. No "gleam in her eye as she said it" or anything.
You are over-exaggerating the character's personalities, they seem a bit two-dimensional, It doesn't feel like they have depth here.
What else... You don't separate paragraphs with linebreaks to make it clearer, but that is only my preference.
When Twilight started explained the theories behind the meteors, it felt odd. It seems like she would know as a scientific mind she is about what they really are. It would be better if she said that while she doesn't think the "other worlds" theory is plausible, she imagines how it would be if it were true.
Also, the portrayment of theories was odd. "Here is one interesting theory" "Oh, that is kinda cool" "Yes, but listen to this unimportant second theory" "Let's forget about the second theory and go back to first one."
You could have switched the order with which they are presented, with Twilight first talking about the one with dust, after which she mentions the one about other worlds.
I will try to read more, but I have to say that it quite affected my view of this fic already. Yet, I am giving it a chance.
Nice. Could use an editor, though.
Bardock father of goku...is still alive