Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies

by Plasmadon

I Learn How To Kick Ass

Chapter 2: I Learn How to Kick Ass

I dropped like a rock, plummeting into the valley below. I knew it would only hurt my pride even more to start screaming like a little girl, so instead I straightened myself as much as I could and slowly began to extend my wings.

Now, let me stop you right there. You think flying is easy? Well, you’re wrong. It’s not a simple hop, skip and flipping jump, let me tell you that. I knew from physics class that suddenly increasing your body’s surface area while falling rips you back, so I had to glide very carefully. Besides, there was the whole fact that I was unable to do anything but extend and retract my wings at the time. My ears folded back and my tail streamed behind me as I zoomed towards the green grass. Eventually, my wings were at the point that I could begin to angle up by arching my back. I steadied to a rather rough glide, all the while watching the flaming path of destruction the evil beast wrought. I then realized that, lo and behold, I had rushed into this situation without even a weapon.
‘Oh well. I’ll just kick it in the balls.’
I finally managed to get near it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fight my first boss in the air. The sheer heat that was rising from its body forced me upward, so I tucked in as much as I could and dropped towards the ground, rolling to a stop. The beast hadn’t noticed me yet. What its sights were set on was a feline seraph, noticeably female, with black fur and huge green eyes. Actually somewhat cute, if you look at her from a non-human’s point of view. There was only one problem: she was almost literally frozen, terror seeping through her gaze. I jumped up and ran, ignoring the searing heat that eventually caught my shirt on fire. With the ashes of my favorite shirt trailing behind me like a burnt veil, I scooped the girl up and dove out of the way just in time to not become roasted Cooper. I quickly spread my wings and beat them as hard as I could. I nearly dropped the girl when I shot a few hundred feet into the air. Together, the two of us managed to find a clear niche in a hill. I set the girl down gently.
“For God’s sake, just stay here,” I pleaded. “Way too many stories where the damsel in distress tries to help and ends up being killed.”
The girl nodded feebly as I took flight once again. I circled around the hill to face the fast-approaching pyrohydra.
“Alright, listen up, you bastard!” I shouted as loudly as I could. The thing stopped screeching long enough for me to take a good, long look at its body. The thing was covered in chips of rock. Where the pieces fit together, glowing magma oozed through. It had three heads. All three were staring at me with malice in their empty eye sockets. “You just burned my favorite fucking shirt, and I’m really pissed. Guess what happens when shirtless, angry protagonists face off against demons?” I swerved towards it, tucking in my wings at the last second. I saw a small, unarmored spot near its chest. As I approached, I straightened one leg. It struck true, leaving the monster roaring in pain.
Unfortunately, it also caught me in the shoulder with its flaming tail.
I was sent sprawling, agonizing pain spreading into my right arm. Groaning, I shakily got to my feet, extending my wings for balance. The pyrohydra, apparently recovered from my attack, charged me, spewing flame from its three mouths. I rolled, landing painfully on my shoulder. The beast was almost upon me when I got up again. My instincts kicked in, and I jumped to the only place I could.
Into the fiery bastard’s mouth.
I dodged the tongue and grabbed onto a tooth. The thing was rather loose for a tooth, so I assumed this thing was still just a fledgling. The tooth itself was still a good three and a half feet tall. As the pyrohydra thrashed around, I ripped the tooth from the gums. A flood of silvery-pink blood flushed its mouth. The pyrohydra then considered the great idea of roasting me alive while I was still in its mouth. As it turned out, it had to open its mouth to do so. I jumped out of the thing’s mouth just in time to avoid three thousand degrees of anger.
“You know what?” I said, dancing my way around it. “You need a name. How about Leroy?”
The monster roared. Leroy apparently didn’t like his new name. I worked my way around him, analyzing all of his weaknesses.
‘Alright, there are three choices: the eyes, the chest, or the mouth. I’ll get drowned by pyrohydra blood if I take the mouth, and the eyes are a bit too risky. The only good opening is the chest, seeing as the heads couldn’t effectively get to it, and it was relatively easy to get to from outside.’
Now that I finally had a weapon, it was time for me to begin my counterattack. A raspy roar tore from my throat as I charged the monster. It stopped, confused; it obviously didn’t expect me to attack it directly. That moment of hesitation was all I needed.
I raced up to it and plunged its tooth into the spot just above its heart, prying open the flesh. The pyrohydra screamed in pain and tried to bite me off. I climbed to the side, sending one of its heads straight towards its now-exposed heart. It was going too fast to stop. I watched in a mixture of exhaustion and euphoria as the beast tore out its own heart. Leroy groaned once more before falling back against the ground. I dropped the tooth and fell to the ground as the adrenaline left my body. A thick pool of blood soaked through my jeans as the punctured organ spurted fluids everywhere.
“Well, you made a damn mess for your first fight, boy.” The voice from behind me sent a surge of just-plain-pissed-off up my spine.
“Fuck you, Iscariot,” I said weakly. “Besides, aren’t you supposed to be in the jaws of the epitome of evil?”
“That’s only my body and soul. My mind is free to wander for all eternity.”
“Shut up.” I took one last look at my pants before my vision blurred. “I better have some damn fine clothes on when I wake up, got it? Otherwise, I might get angry and ninja your brain.”
“You have my word.”
“Like that’s worth anything.” The pain of my combined shoulder and fatigue finally overcame me, and I faded into blackness.

“Hey, he’s waking up, sister!”

“Hush. He must have a splitting headache.”

I blinked, trying to wear the fatigue away from my eyes. Something black shifted above me. I reached out, attempting to grasp it. When I felt the furry object, a soft yelp rang in my ears. My vision gradually cleared. I was holding…

The feline’s arm.

Ha! I got you idiot readers. Did you think I embarrassed myself by accidentally groping a girl’s privates? No. Even in half-consciousness, I’m smarter than most of you fools.
Alenea gently unwound my fingers from her wrist. “Welcome back to the world of the living, hero,” she said kindly.

“I don’t feel much like a hero,” I groaned. I shifted up, and my shoulder gave a painful twinge. I checked it. The wound was mostly healed, so I assumed Judas did a little magic. “To be totally honest, I feel like a retarded seal that’s just been dipped in lava, breaded with scarab beetles, cooked in the center of the sun, and served with those little grape tomatoes.”

The feline giggled and looked me over. “You know, you look pretty weird for a canine-seraph,” she said. Alenea gave her a patronizing look.

“That’s rude, Nia,” she scolded. She turned back to me. “Cooper, are you really alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I stared at the cat. “So, this is your sister, huh? I thought you’d be more… reptilian.”

“Jeez, just because I got dad’s genes,” the feline grumbled. “Anyway, I don’t think we’ve been introduced. My name is Aerenia, but everyone calls me Nia.” She extended a hand… paw to me.
“Cooper. It’s a pleasure.” I simultaneously shook her paw and pulled myself up at the same time. I only then noticed the kind of clothes I was wearing.

“Well, I suppose I owe Judas an apology,” I mused, staring at my outfit in another conveniently placed mirror. I was wearing a short-sleeved gray jacket over a longer-sleeved black shirt with the words “One does not simply” emblazoned on the front. Below that was a pair of dark blue jeans. A black leather belt was threaded through the loops, while a chain jingled from near my right pocket. Even better, he decided to include my granddad’s old Ruger Vaquero revolver, Paco, in a black leather holster.

“Who’s Judas?” Nia asked.

“Yes, I’d like to know that as well,” Alenea said. I winked.

“Trade secret. Now I’m gonna go outside and stretch my wings. You guys wanna come?” my wings did feel a little sore from being constantly battered, but I was sure they’d hold up just fine.
I can’t say they didn’t warn me.

“Wait, Cooper!” Alenea shouted, but I had already opened the door. A mob of assorted seraph were separated into two groups. One half was wielding pitchforks, torches, and almost everything else known to living things. The other side was arguing with them. They both stopped when they saw me open the door.

“What did I miss?” I casually asked over my shoulder.

“Oh, the townspeople are arguing about whether or not to kill you. Some people thought you were the reason that pyrohydra was trying to kill us all,” Nia shouted back.

“Thanks.” I turned back to the townsfolk, some of whom were starting to get angry again.
“There he is!” a scaly looking fellow screamed. “Kill the traitor!”

“KILL HIM!” part of the crowd chanted. The mob advanced, leaving me at the sole mercy of a few angels.
Well, not quite.

I simply pulled Paco out of its holster, thumbed back the hammer, and raised it into the air. The few somewhat sane ones seemed intrigued, but the others were flipping me off, shouting obscenities, etc. I ignored them and squeezed the trigger, grinning like an idiot as I did so. The resulting BANG! rolled across the valley. Everyone, even fish-face, shut their traps.

“That was a nice, loud noise from a nice, deadly weapon,” I told them.

“No duh, idiot!” Nia called from inside the house.

“Shut up! I’m trying to give a fear-instilling speech here!” I turned back to the crowd at hand. “Alright, listen up! I have no idea what you’re talking about. All I did was kick a random monster’s ass. I really don’t care what you all think of me anyway. I’m leaving in about an hour, so feel free to criticize me. As for being a traitor, I only got this body, maybe, six hours ago? And don’t get me started on the fact that I just saved the (probably) hottest female in this damn conglomeration.” A glass broke inside the house. I smirked inwardly. I strutted back into the house, leaving the group of seraph utterly dumbstruck. Alenea giggled as I walked in.

“That was rather… fierce,” she said. I nodded.

“Hey, sometimes you just have to intimidate your way through life.” I rubbed my aching shoulder. “Why aren’t any of the guys’ wings bigger than mine?”

She suddenly turned a scarlet-y shade. “Well…” I could see that she was having a hard time trying to word her explanation, but I unfortunately couldn’t help. “Males with larger wings are seen as… attractive, to put it simply.”

“Oh,” I stated simply. Hey, I’m not going to blush. I’m hot in this world, and that is a very good thing. I glanced around. Alenea was rummaging through a chest in the corner, the fire was slowly dying, and Nia was just staring off into space, part of a shattered glass between her paws. Alenea turned around, a cloak and a few bags trailing from her arms.

“Since you’re leaving soon, I thought you’d need these,” she said, handing them to me. The cloak was made of rather fine wool, but the weave was dense, and it would keep the grime out nicely. As for the bags, they contained an assortment of dried meats, bread, and beans, as well several gallons of water water and a bedroll.

“Thanks,” I said, just as someone knocked on the door. I dived behind the table.

“If the guy has a pitchfork, torch or Girl Scout Cookies, I’m dead,” I shouted. I heard a door being opened, along with a small conversation I decided to tune out.

“Cooper!” Nia shouted, having apparently coming out of her reverie. “Get your arse out here!”

I popped up from under the table. “Was it the Girl Scouts?”

“The who-now? Actually, it’s our father.” At this, I was curiously striding through the house, looking for the dad. What I came face to face with was a strange seraph: feline, but with dark gray stripes across his black face.

“So you’re the one who saved my daughter from being roasted,” he said in a gruff voice. He looked me over suspiciously.

“I don’t like you-” I held up a hand.

“Let me stop you right there. I’m one third retriever, so that might explain it.”

“-flirting with my daughter,” he continued unabated. Nia turned a slight shade of pink again, while Allie (that’s her nickname now) seemed confused. “Still, you not only saved her, but the entire tribe as well. I’m the blacksmith of this ‘conglomeration’, and I took a look at some of the remains of the pyrohydra, so here you go.” He then proceeded to pull out the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Even more so than an Italian-Mexican six shot.

The sword was incredible. As far as I could tell, the blade was made of the tooth I’d pulled out of its mouth, albeit cut down to size, with a falchion-esque shape. The hilt was wrapped in reddish-black leather, while the crossguard and pommel were made of blackened steel. A richly colored ruby rippled in the pommel’s base.

“Don’t think I’m doing this out of my free will or anything.” This guy looked so mad at himself, I almost laughed. I strapped the sword to my belt, giving him an appreciative hand… paw shake?
“Thank you. This will be useful in my travels.” How, I don’t know. I just know I have two badass weapons, and I’m going to use them when it’s appropriate. I turned back to the door, fastening my cloak as I went.

“Well, it’s been a pleasure to meet you all, but I gotta go. Apparently, as an alien, I’m part of a Game, and I have no idea what other crazy monsters will try to kill me.” I flung the door open and jumped off the cliff, stretching my wings wide. A single flap sent about a hundred feet into the air. Thank God this flying thing is somewhat easy to figure out.

About a mile away from the conglomerate, I hit the sea. At this height, it was easy to figure out why they called this place the Blackwell Islands. Oil pools dotted the landscape, making the entire archipelago look like a nest of flies on a half-eaten carcass.

“Okay, maybe that was a bit grotesque for a comparison,” I muttered to myself. There was a mass of land near the island, slightly west-northwest of me that almost gave off stink lines. The cool breeze that floated up from the waves felt incredible on my feathers. It’s strange, really, how only a near-death situation can get you comfortable with new body parts.

I flew for several more hours, stopping occasionally to rest on small outcroppings of rock. By the time it was sundown, I’d managed to find land. Lots of land.

Seriously, there was a forest there that stretched for miles. Ravens popped up every now and then, but otherwise, it looked deserted, so I forged a path through. Finally finding a clearing at… what, midnight? It’s hard to tell time when there isn’t a watch in sight. So I found a clearing and set up camp. This mainly consisted of some venison, a fire, a bedroll, and me incessantly talking to myself. I do that sometimes.

I’m not crazy.

I was in the middle of contemplating just how effective modern medicine is against high-functioning ADD when I heard a rustle towards my right. I frowned, noting the small patch of black that stuck up from a bush. Granted, it was only barely noticeable, even in full moonlight, but that only made me more suspicious. Maybe something else wanted my head? I impulsively pulled out Paco and thumbed the hammer. My ears pricked up and I was suddenly aware of my canines digging into my gums.

“Look, I don’t want trouble,” I enunciated. “If you wish to keep your life and possibly your brain, I suggest you back out of the bush very slowly.”

The shape crawled out of the shrubbery. Two bright green eyes flashed at me as I raised Paco toward its head, wary of any creature that could harm me. Then it connected.

Black. Green eyes. Sneaky.

Oh, fuck.

Comments

[Cyber V]

Okay while this story is advancing somewhat fast, this isn't a bad story, so while some parts are funny (like the house built on cliff) I suggest that you slow down a tad, because I mean come on; Cooper just pulled a Deus Ex Machina on a monster, in a body that he just woke up in a few minutes earlier and already gotten two weapons, so slow down a bit and don't rush it.

[Plasmadon]

1629454 Got it, and thank you. I'll try to slow down in the future.

[Cyber V]

1629466 You're welcome, this is a good story