In Search of Awkward Silences
I really need to stop doing this to myself, Cheerilee thought, staring down at the monstrous stack of papers resting on her coffee table. She spat her favorite grading pen from her mouth, smacking her lips to try and banish the lingering taste. That was the second time she, not paying attention, had picked it up backwards. The ink still didn't taste any better.
Cheerilee glanced up at the clock, noting it to be just after three, in the morning. She sighed and leaned back, kicking her hooves out, swinging them over the couch. I need to sleep, so I can help Twilight with the book, but I can’t sleep, because I’m too excited about getting to see Twilight, and helping her with the book. A single chuckle found its’ way past her lips. Sheesh, I’m crushing like a schoolfilly.
A lazy eye was cast over to the documents fouling the early morning air. They could wait, Twilight could not, and under no circumstances was she to be disappointed, especially with Cheerilee. She squeezed her eyes shut, blinking rapidly after. Twilight could not be made to wait, but neither could sleep, and the latter was closer than the former. Just a little sleep wouldn’t hurt. She could be up in plenty of time to help, and it would probably end better because of it.
--_--_--_--
Twilight sat, eyes glued to the vast expanse of the stars above. Already, the edges of the sky were lit by a pink hue, a sure sign that dawn was fast approaching, and with it, the death of the stars until the next night. “I just don’t know,” she sighed. “I know it’s silly, but I just can’t stop thinking. About Her Only Stallion, about the textbook, about the party and if Cheerilee will want to go with me, and about Nightmare Night. We’ve been planning it for awhile, but I’m starting to get nervous. What if she doesn’t like it, or worse, Fluttershy actually comes out this year, and we scar her for life?”
“What are you fretting about, Twilight?” A gray mare, button eyes barely poking over the bedspread, asked. “Care to share?”
“It... It’s nothing,” Twilight replied, looking back over her shoulder. “You should be asleep, you know. It’s too early to get up.”
“Says the mare who runs on caffeine. I know you, I know when something’s bothering you, now spill.”
“It’s silly, just a bunch of stuff I’ve already told you.” Twilight scratched the back of her head with a hoof. “Little things, really. The costumes Rarity made for Nightmare Night look amazing, and I’m kind of afraid we are going to scare the feathers off Fluttershy if she leaves her cottage. And I’m worried we won’t make the textbook right, or something will be wrong, and it’ll be get published, and get back to us, and ruin both of our careers, or--”
“Yeah, I got that much. Relax, Twi. As many books as you’ve read, writing one will probably come as natural as breathing. And to be honest, you should have worried about Fluttershy before you gathered the girls together and planned it. Actually, didn’t you invite her?”
“Er, well, yeah, but sometimes she is scared by her own shadow, so I kind of expect the worst, especially with how well the costumes came out.” Twilight turned back and looked out at the stars, slowly disappearing behind an encroaching line of pink. “And then there’s Cheerilee...”
“Oh-ho, still stressing about her are we? Do I sense a bit of a teacher fantasy in our little Twilight?”
“Huh?” Twilight blinked rapidly, trying to find the implications she knew were there. Evidently, she found them, because her face burst into a fiery blush. “I don’t have a teacher fantasy!”
“Mmhm, sure.”
Twilight’s blush crept slowly up towards her ears. “H-Hush!”
“Twilight... who‘re ya talkin’ to...?” a sleepy voice called. The librarian peeked over her shoulder, spotting Spike looking at her with half closed, questioning eyes.
“Nopony, Spike,” Twilight answered, hoping the early morning shadows hid her blush. “It’s still pretty early, you should get back to bed.”
“Mmkay...” The baby dragon turned around and trundled back to bed, tail dragging the entire way. Cleared of the possibility of further embarrassment, Twilight shot a glare towards Smarty Pants, head poked above the covers, before stuffing it under a pillow with a burst of magic. ‘Teacher fantasy...’ Where does my brain come up with this stuff?
Shaking her head, Twilight tiphooved her way past the basket holding the sleeping dragon and made her way downstairs. First stop: the kitchen, for two reasons. A nice, warm cup of coffee, and she was mostly sure she left her book in the kitchen while eating the night before. A quick sniff of the coffee pot revealed it hadn’t been turned on the night before, and was cold; so tea was in order. Not quite her favorite, but it would be warm, with just enough caffeine to get her awake, and maybe enough to prevent crashing until Pinkie’s party.
Once the tea was ready, it joined the book in a lavender aura on a trip to the front room. There was a... fair bit of cleaning needed before Cheerilee came over, but it wasn’t anything unmanageable, especially with Spike’s help. Twilight took her seat at the table reserved for the textbook, cuddled the warm tea in her forehooves close to her chest, and began to read.
As the words slipped by, so did time. The turning pages turned the hands of the clock, and before Twilight even realized, Spike was poking her side with one claw, holding a plate of finely cut potatoes, topped with a thin layer of cheese. Finally, a glass of juice, balanced precariously on his head. “Thought you might want something to eat,” Spike said, placing the food down before Twilight.
“Thanks, Spike.” Twilight replaced her bookmark and set down the novel, licking her lips at the prospect of food. “As soon as I finished eating, we need to get to work,” she said, quickly swallowing her first delicious bite. “I do, anyway, but it’ll be a lot better if you help.”
Spike looked to his caretaker skeptically. “What kind of work...?”
“Well, I want to do a little bit of cleaning before Cheerilee comes over to work on the textbook, but the checkout log is getting really messy. I was hoping you could kind of go through it and find the overdue books for me?” Twilight asked with a big grin.
“Awww, Twilight...” Spike kicked the ground with a claw. “But you said I wouldn’t have to work today...” Twilight let her smile slip, just a twitch every few seconds while she held Spike’s attention. “I... But... But comic book...” Her ears bent. “Alright, fine...”
Twilight’s smile returned full force, and she sat up to clop her forehooves together. “Great! I’m sure it’ll all get done in time now. Thanks, Spike!” Spike just grumbled to himself, plodding over towards the large book on the librarian desk, his closest companion for the next few torturous hours.
--_--_--_--
“Twilight, Cheerilee is here!” Spike called, hoping his caretaker could hear through the heavy door to her room. Turning back to Cheerilee, Spike stepped aside and pulled the door open wider. “Come on in,” he welcomed. “Twilight is upstairs getting ready for something, but I’m sure she’ll be down in a minute or two.”
“Thanks, Spike,” Cheerilee replied. She carefully made her way into the room, making sure not to get her overstuffed saddlebags caught on the frame. Clearing the doorway, she made her way over to the table already loaded down with materials sent for the textbook, and unstrapped her bags, placing them down on the table with an audible sigh, and a rather large bang.
“Woah.” Spike whistled, eyes wide. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen saddlebags that full before! What’s in them?”
“Books and things to help out,” Cheerilee replied, head in one of her saddlebags. When it came back out, she had a mouthful of books, which she gently deposited on the table. Spike rushed over to help. Between the two of them, it wasn’t too long before the already overburdened table sagged even further, loaded with even more books.
“What was that noise?” a voice called from behind the pair. Cheerilee turned around, and smiled at the lavender unicorn poking her head over the edge of the stairs and peering down into the library proper. As their eyes met, Cheerilee could have sworn the tip of Twilight’s muzzle glowed with a faint blush, but she couldn’t really tell.
“Oh, h-hey, Cheerilee. I’ll, uh, I’ll be down in a minute.” Without waiting for a response, Twilight backpedalled madly, vanishing from sight.
The very tips of Cheerilee’s ears fell. “Are you okay?” Spike asked, causing the teacher to turn around.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just... ready to get to work, I guess...” Cheerilee sat down by the labored book table, busying herself sifting through the material there. Left alone, Spike wandered off into the kitchen, searching for food. Some time later, the clop of hooves on wood announced Twilight’s return. Cheerilee turned around and smiled. “Hey, Twilight.”
Much to the teacher’s confusion, Twilight didn’t respond in kind. Instead, she pawed at the ground with a hoof and refused to meet her gaze. “I’m sorry, Cheerilee,” she mumbled. “I forgot Pinkie Pie was throwing a party tonight, and if I don’t go, well, we know how Pinkie is about her parties. I can still work with you, but not all night.”
“That’s okay, we aren’t that pressed for time,” Cheerilee replied, trying her best to hide her disappointment. “Though I might need to check out another book. I expected to be working most of the night, and I don’t want to run out of things to read.”
“Well, um, you could always, um… come to the party... with me?” For the first time, Twilight looked up, and Cheerilee got a good look at her. She was different, but only subtly so. The teacher stared for several minutes, not noticing Twilight’s growing blush.
“Your mane,” Cheerilee finally said, much to the librarian’s relief. “You did something different with your mane.” It was true, and very subtle. The tips of her bangs were curled inwards, and though on its own it was rather unremarkable, but the curl drew Cheerilee’s gaze down into Twilight’s eyes--wide and sparkling, bordered by the faintest blush.
“It... It’s nothing special, really. I just wanted to do something different, I guess...” Twilight spluttered. “So do you want to go with me? I’m sure Pinkie won’t mind another guest...”
“Well, I... I’d love to, but I didn’t know I was going anywhere, I’m not dressed up or anything.”
“You don’t need to dress up. Beside, you look great anyway.” As soon as the words escaped her mouth, Twilight ducked her head, hiding her glowing cheeks. Both mares coughed and worked hard to avoid letting their gaze settle on the other. From the kitchen came noises of exaggerated gagging and retching.
“You... You too, Twilight,” Cheerilee replied. The silence grew, awkward and heavy, resting itself across the room like a blanket. Cheerilee cleared her throat. “So, we should probably get to work on the textbook.”
“Yup!” Twilight agreed, seizing the opportunity to ignore the awkward lurking in the room. “We should. The party starts in a couple of hours, so we should try to get as much done as possible.”
Cheerilee took a seat, sliding a couple of the books she brought over and opened them. “I dug up copies of books I thought might help us.”
“More information never hurts,” Twilight replied, taking her own seat and moving over the plans. Cheerilee wasn’t one hundred percent sure, but it seemed to her that Twilight had moved her chair closer. It’s going to be a long night...
Awwww, that was too short. Or i'm just too impatient. Either way, it was good and I need more. Halloween is good. I can wait til Halloween. Maybe.....
3344847
There's a chapter between the Halloween one and this one. It's already at almost a thousand words.
3344853That was the fastest reply ever...........
Hmm? As far as I know, you can't get a story featured twice, as it will remain on the featured page until the story is four days old, and that no story older than that can be featured. Did they change the rules?
3344856
I have no life... And I kinda sorta am probably not staring at my fic in the featured box. Nope.
3344857
It was featured last time I updated, and this time. Twice.
3344869 Huh. I'll have to look into that later.
3344857 Updates get on the feature page all the time. It's always been like that, as long as I've been here.
Fallout Equestria was on the feature page for over a week, too, when Kkat started uploading it.
3344885
The only fic of mine that is dead is Not All is as Sweet. And it isn't dead, just lost in The Void somewhere.
3344892
Off hanging out with the crossover we'll never finish and the... well, other things you've clued me in on that we aren't working on.
Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to get notifications that comments had been written to this and other stories I edit. I'd like to be a little more involved with the thing I help create (if only tangentially).
Besides, these comments have a disturbing lack of cat-beards.
It’s going to be a long night...
That's what she says.
It updated!
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/avatar-mouth-foaming-guy-o_zps1f4789f0.gif
Only 2k+ words...
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/headdesk_zpse5d378a1.gif
Something that is featured gets back in to the second half of the feature box whenever it is updated, it is something to do with the likes/favourites/read tally. One I wrote got in there when I updated after a steady build of favourites and likes.
This story is awesome, good job, it deserved to get featured.
3345119
Psst, quick, we have comments. And you know why we aren't working on the crossover and other fics at the moment. Too much at once.
3345476
>Points out that no chapter broke the 3k limit.
3345595
Thank ya, kindly.
Just messing with you, man. I know by now how you play the game. Just means I need to reread all the chapters so I get my fill of good Cheerilight.
3346051
Yeah, but they don't tell ME about the comments.
So excited that it updated!
I'm truly in love with this story.There are a few grammar things that need sorting, though. I don't want to be that guy, but I don't like having to reread something to get its meaning. It was only a few things, although a couple of them were recurring so I'll do those first.
Dialogue: always take a new paragraph for it. This helps your readers to understand who is talking and makes it much easier for us to see when dialogue has begun. There was at least one time where I read some dialogue as though it wasn't dialogue and it confused me.
Sentence structure: work on it. You're very hit and miss with this one. If you don't already do this, try reading your work aloud. Sometimes you use far too many clauses and the meaning of your sentences - and their respective focuses - get lost. It is often better to rephrase one very long sentence into several shorter ones. That tends to hold the reader's attention better.
There were a couple of specific things, too. Though I get the feeling that these were mostly occasions where you have edited your original work and have forgotten to add of remove something, there were also a number of them that I'm sure are just mistakes. As a writer myself, I know you're going to hate me if I post every last one of them here. So I won't do that. Instead, I'll just say that if you do want a blow-by-blow, just PM me and I'll tell you where they are.
Anyway, that's just me being nitpicky. The story is really what is the most important, and by crikey do you have a story. Highlights of this chapter include Twilight talking to Smarty Pants! Dude, wow. At first I was like, "Huh?" But then I was like, "D'aww!" And then she's so smitten that she goes totally OOC and does her hair all pretty. That rocked my world bro. That truly rocked my world.
I also liked your descriptions of their emotions using the ears. Their ears do seem to display sadness, fear, disappointment, happiness, excitement: the whole gamut of emotions. I'm glad you picked up on that. It's one of the cute idiosyncrasies of my little ponies. It also makes for good storytelling (in terms of the 'show, don't tell' rule).
Please don't make me wait so long for the next update, sir! I need a more regular fix of cute and cuddly CheeriLight!
Honestly, you need to crank up the awkward. Twilight should be awkward as shit and cheerilee only slightly better. It makes for more fun. Only overdo it sometimes. This kinda shit don't happen overnight, it takes a while.
3349305
Last time I checked, it's a new paragraph per speaker, not line of dialog. Sorry, but that's how I was taught, and that's how I'm going to keep doing it. Also, we can't quite figure out how Twilight curling her bangs is OOC. I'd like to hear your reasoning on this one.
3349827
It ain't happening overnight. We know what we're doing here.
3349827
Don't worry, we've plenty of time for more awkward. Plenty of time.
3349952 Dude, chill. I'm loving this story. I wasn't trying to insult you or anything. I'm just saying that there are things you could look at. The dialogue thing: you're right, it is a new paragraph per speaker. I can't help but feel that you're misunderstanding the wording of the rule, in that case. This means that if somepony is speaking, then it is broken up by any text (excluding "she said" or variations thereof), you have a new speaker. Additionally, where you have text followed by dialogue in the same paragraph, this is not done either. At the very least, if you must do it, you should use the correct syntax. Case in point:
This could be improved in a variety of ways, but if you wish to keep the text the same, then you could have this.
Actually, this one doesn't illustrate my point too clearly since this should be a new paragraph anyway, whether it were dialogue or not. It's a new idea that you're beginning and it should be separated from the old idea in the first paragraph. A better example:
It should look something like this:
Why should it look like this? Because while Spike continues to be the sole speaker, he's addressing two different ponies. In the first paragraph, he addresses Twilight; in the second paragraph, he addresses Cheerilee. The text in the middle is extended enough that we would assume a delay between them too. Another example:
This one is very subtle, but it illustrates my point about syntax when you're using dividing text. That should be a comma and not a full stop (period) before the second block of dialogue because this is a continuation of her first sentence. Or better yet, you could reorder it.
These were only a few of them, there are more. These may seem like small things, but I promise you that they make a big difference. Not only does it make your story more polished, but it breaks it up better for the reader too. If something is easy to read, more people will read it. You can continue doing it the way you're doing it if you want, it really doest bother me, but don't do it under the impression that it is correct. It isn't.
It basically comes down to paragraph structure and sentence structure, which I also mentioned. It's just that it is far more noticeable when you are using dialogue. The best way to look at it is to condense each paragraph down to a single, simple sentence which sums up the idea you want to convey. If you need any more than one single-clause sentence, you should probably break it up into two paragraphs. Using an example from earlier:
No matter what you do, you can't combine those sentences because they relate to completely different things. Why, then, would you attempt to combine their respective paragraphs?
As for the OOC thing, that wasn't meant in the most serious, critique giving way. It was meant to be taken as, since Twilight was so smitten, she was behaving in a way that she wouldn't usually behave. She was trying to impress Cheerilee by improving her appearance: when has she ever done this in the canon? I wasn't criticising you for having her do it either. Merely pointing out that it was cute that she was behaving unusually due to a crush. In essence, what I was saying that it was cute (and totally in character) for her to act a little out of character because she's smitten with Cheerilee. If you still don't get what I'm saying, all you need to know is that the OOC comment wasn't a negative thing, it was a positive thing. The same as that I liked her talking to Smarty Pants.
3351252
Given that I have no authority over the writing style of ISoK, I won't be addressing those points excepting to say that I feel them to be mostly stylistic differences. I'd be happy to read the actual rules regarding these points.
On to my actual argument.
This is a terrible way to start a comment like this. You've already assumed that the author is against you without any real reason to do so. The rest of your comment now reads more like an attack when I doubt that was your intention. In the future, I would suggest you ignore what you see as emotionally motivated comments or, at the very least, ignore the emotional aspect of them.
For example, you wouldn't talk about how a load bearing wall makes you feel when you're discussing if it will support the roof. Well, you might, but it's not important to the conversation.
Granted, I was actively talking to him when he made the post, so I better understand what he was trying to say. He wasn't being defensive, he was just stating a fact.
As to the OOC comment, I'm quite certain we are experiencing a language problem. Out of character behavior is behavior that contradicts canon. For example, Twilight boasting about her magical prowess is obviously out of character. So, someone is out of character when they do something the established canon says they would not do. What you called out of character was something Twilight has not done. There is a difference.
3351470 I don't think they are stylistic differences. The things I brought up were things which were specifically chosen for the fact that they don't follow the established rules for prose. I stand by what I've said.
Now that I read the response back, it actually doesn't sound terribly much like the author was being defensive. So I apologise for taking that view and becoming defensive myself. Although he was stating an opinion rather than a fact.
Lastly, the OOC thing. Out of character means exactly that: it refers to someone doing something that is uncharacteristic of them. I didn't say anything about her behaving contrary to the canon. However, I saw that it had been taken in that way and that's why I was explaining at the end of my previous comment what I had meant. I can see why it could be taken that way, but there is no other way of saying what I had meant. So again, I apologise if it seemed as though that's what I was saying because it isn't what I meant.
3349953yessss
Yeeeessssssss
Yeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssshehehehehessssssss
3354520
Nah, don't tell me that. Tell the editor. Your plan... is sketch.
I don't normally read romances. I like this. So good job. (Have I already said that? I can't remember . . . )
3375966
I don't know if you have or not, but thank you.
3354520
Uhh... I think, uh... I think you're splooshing a little there, bro... Uh... This is awkward.
3375990I'm not your "bro", buddy
3376016
Don't be a dick to the editor. Not cool.
3376027now we wait to see if he takes the bait
3376034 I guess he didn't.....
3376016
I'm not your buddy, friend!