"I hate Chicago." You mumble under your breath, as gray snow fell all around you, as it seemed
to cascade from the thick black coulds that loomed menacingly above the city. "Could have gone
anywhere, but no I just had to pick the windy city." You grumble, as you make your way through
the thick blanket of snow.
Your walk isn't normally this bad but today, well it was different. First your boss docked your
pay, then after that you were accused of stealing supplies, which from then, finally, your car
refused to start, forcing you to have to trudge through the howling wind to reach your home
from work, all the while nagging memories echoed within your head.
"I should have stayed in.....bed." You mumble as a faint noise reach's your ear as your ranting
come's to a abrupt end. "Crying?"
Forgetting about your rant you begin to search for the owner of the sobs, anyone left out in
this storm would certainly freeze to death. You quicken your pace as the crying becomes louder
and more labored. Your breathing is getting heavy as you race down the slick sidewalk, trying
to get close to the owner of the tears. Your breath is heavy as you skid to a halt in front of an
alleyway, trying to catch your breath.
"Man.....I'm.....out.....of shape." You pant, as you clutch your sides. Then between your gasps
for air the sound of a small voice comes to your frost burned ears.
"H-h-help p-p-p-pwease." The voice echos, as you try to turn your head so your freezing,
reddening ears can find the voice's owner.
"Hello?"
"H-h-help p-p-p-pwease." The voice stammers again.
"Ok. Just hold on!" You shout, as you try to make your way into the alley.
With heavy heaves and lunges you begin to push your way through the buildup of snow banks
that have been pushed into the alleyway, fighting for a firm footing with each step.
"Stupid snowplow drivers. Why couldn't they push this somewhere it's not in the way." You
grumble as you try to push through the snow which is now up to your waist, but still you
pushed forward.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, with your leg's feeling as if there about to fall off,
you reach the end of alleyway, but all is quiet and you don't see a soul who could have been
calling for help. Then a chill starts to wash over you. What if you're too late and whoever was
calling you is...
"Hey!? You still there kid!" You call out.
No response. The only sound around you is the howling wind, which is growing stronger and
fiercer by the second.
"Hey!" You shout again, but just as before no response. "Come on kid, please, answer me!"
You scream frantically as you began to search through the ever deepening snow.
Then over the howling wind you hear a soft whimper coming from the snow bank just behind
you. Without thinking you quickly turn and dive head long into the icy bank of snow, digging
away at it as fast as your arms will let you. Time seems to crawl by as your hands start going
numb by the cold but still you continue to dig. Then after what seems like a lifetime one of your
hands bumps into something other than snow. What it is, is what's left of a cardboard box, now
completely soggy from the snow. Quickening your already frantic pace you claw at the side of
the box pulling it free of the snow.
"What size kid could fit in a box like this?" You question, as you wipe the snow from the sunken
top. But you put this question aside as you feel the box shaking in your numb hands.
"Hey you still alive in there?" You ask, as you pull back the lid of the soggy box. But as soon as
you pull back the lid you find yourself shuffling toward the opposing wall of the alley. "Is my mind
playing tricks on me or did I really just see a...."
With the caution of a man handling a nuclear warhead you slowly work your way back toward the
soggy box and it continence. Slowly you pull back the lid, but unlike before you just sit there and
stare at the sight before you, mouth agape. To call it a horse wouldn't be fitting but there was no
other word you could think of to generalize what you where looking at. Being as careful as you
can you slowly reach your hand inside the box, an being quick, you give the tiny horse a gentle
poke with your index finger.
"Umm hey you ok?" You question nervously, not really sure what to expect.
"Unnn." It wheezes weakly, as it shakes violently.
"Oh god what do I do? I know it's not human but I can't just leave her here." Your thoughts argue,
as the wind howls all around you, sending a chill down your spine. "Oh I hope I don't regret this
later." You say, as you carefully reach back into the soggy box.
"Unnnn"
Shhhhh. It's ok." You whisper, as your hand descends below her frame, pushing into the bottom
of the box. "I'm getting you out of here."
Gently you start to lift her from the box, her dark blue mane falling dishevely over her face.
Then as you hold her in one hand you shakily unzip your Carhart and placed her cold body
inside, zipping it back up, as you slinging your arm under her to keep her from falling out.
"Umm you just sit tight in there ok?" You mutter, as you hurry out of the alleyway and back
onto the street.
You don't know whether it's the fact that you have something in your coat that's near death and
that you feel an unfounded sense of wanting to protect your undercoat passenger, but it doesn't
take long for you to find your footing on the slick sidewalk, and running faster then you've ever been
able to run before. Faster and faster you find yourself sprinting, jumping over everything that gets
in your way.
"I wish.....I had my car.....right now, cause this.....would be soo much easier if I....did." You wheeze,
as you slide onto Virgina Avenue, just missing a collision with a light post as you do.
You push through the ever growing pain within your lung's as you round the final corner, your
home just five houses down from where you stand. The other houses go by quickly as you
jog down your street, your heart finally slowing down as you reach your driveway.
"Looks like we made it little girl." You sigh, as you pull your keys from your pocket and begin
fumbling with them.
After several minutes of light swearing and three mistaken guesses of which key was the one for
your front door you finally take hold of a simple silver key, which slides into the lock with a faint click.
Then with a quick turn and another soft click the door unlocks, allowing you to enter your pleasantly
warm home.
"At least the furnace is still working." You sigh with a quick rap on your home's wooden door not
to jinx yourself.
You make b-line to what you know will be the warmest room in your residential home, and grab
anything that might offer a bit more heat out of a near by closet on your way to your den. You
pull as many blankets as you can and double time it as you feel your passenger beginning to
stir.
"Hey calm do will ya? You keep moving like that and I'm going to fall."
"Murph mmh murph."
"Just hold on a second." You semi shout, as you try to unzip your coat so SOMEONE will stop
squirming against your chest. "And by the way how are you able to ta...CRACK!"
You had barely got your coats zipper half way down when, to your complete surprise, your face
was met by two hooves kicking you hard in your nose causing you to stumble back as a indigo
blur shot off your chest and down your homes main hallway.
"Grrrrrrr, you know what I don't care now how you can talk!" You roar, as you angrily rose back
to your feet and stomped toward your den. "OH but when I get my hands on you your going to
wish I would've left you there in that friggin box." Your growled as the pain of your newly broken
nose began to mix with your ever growing rage.
Not bad. Worth a favorite.
Wow. The formatting is a mess.
How so?
2070381 You do realize there's a reply functionality for the comments, right? If I hadn't checked back into the comments, I would have never seen your response.
Anywho, the whole formatting is whack because it seems like you've
centered(EDIT: thought it seemed centered, my bad) and indented the entire chapter, and even then the indenting seems very spontaneous with some trailing lines breaking into the next with indenting, or sometimes without. It makes it very jarring to look at. I need only point you at your second paragraph for an example of this, on top of most of the later half of the chapter.2070258
Agreed. Keeping an eye on this, liking it so far, and it seems the formatting issue brought up in the comments has been fixed as well.
2070381 For me nearly every other line is indented, if you want I could screencap it to show you.
2070655 I'm looking at it right now, and it still hasn't been fixed.
2071039
What are you viewing it on? My tower that I view with Firefox shows left align with no tabbing. My phone I'm writing this comment on shows the same, with tabbing. No center align at all.
2071146 Yeah, it seemed that it wasn't centered, but the problems with the formatting are still there.
For reference, the chapter looks like this from my end. That is a complete and utter mess to read through.
Awww man, I want more! Please! This was just starting to get interesting! Aside from a few typos, I found you using apostrophes (') on words that don't need them. Like near the end you have "house's" when the house isn't owning anything. And the following is a paragraph from the beginning with the same minor issue:
The words in red should be replaced with the words in green, below:
There are a few more near the beginning, I'm just not awake enough to find them all. Aside from that little issue, the rest is very good! I really want to read more and see what happens next! I've fav'd and will be keeping an eye on this! I've often wondered if anyone would do a story based on the pic you used for your cover image.
2071397 I've gone over it and fixed as many typos as i can find. thanks for pointing them out JaydexTheShadowKnight.
And I've added adjusted the format for the people who pointed it out.
2072391
Glad I could help. I look forward to more. I have a real soft spot for Luna, especially given, she is one of my favorite ponies! I didn't notice any formatting issues, everything was "left-aligned" and looks fine as far as I could tell.
Hey Blitz Stratus,
This was a fairly good read; I compliment you for taking an idea similar to My Little Dashie and throwing in your own good twists. As has been mentioned, you have a good amount of formatting and grammatical errors, but still I've given it a follow to see where it goes.
I do have a full review here if you'd like to see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjGtr8FW0pA&feature=youtu.be
2073503 Thank you and im still in the process of fixing the grammer and formating errors.
so i'll get the updated version up as soon as I can.
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say this is My Little Luna under any other name.
2073868 Well yeah but that title didn't sound right to me.
wright more pleaz
2078454 Will do.
2072852 Luna is one of my fav ponys too. I can't wait to see what happons next.
Its a ripoff of "My Little Dashie" but it has Luna so your forgiven
Other than that, great work
WARNING: ADORABLNESS OVER LOAD! HEART TRANSPLANT NEEDED!!!
*gasp* DEAR GOD!!! THAT AMOUNT OF ADORABLNESS COULD KILL A MAN!!!
"H-h-help p-p-p-pwease."
gameinformer.com/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-ImageFileViewer/CommunityServer-Discussions-Components-Files-14492/5481.hnnnng.jpg_2D00_610x0.jpg
2080880 SCREW "It is a ripoff" IT'S STILL ADORABLE
2085843 Yes
2085843 Even I was hit by Luna, it still woudn't be as painful as seeing her freeze.
ouch
Good story, please please please proof read. There are multiple glaring errors.
3rd paragraph "You mumble as a faith noise reach's your ear" faint?
4th paragraph "Your breath is heavy as you skid to a halt in front of on alleyway, trying to catch your breath." No.
16th paragraph "After what seems like a lifetime one of your hands bumps into something other then snow. What it is, is what was a cardboard box" Me being picky but I do not like the way that was worded.
Meh, still very good just those things really pop out at me.
You reserve the right to call me stupid and say everything in those sentences is actually correct. You may very well be right, English is a dumb language.
And that is why you should not put living creatures in your jacket unless there is no other option. Because you will get hit. In the face. In a not-so-gentle fashion.
Words of wisdom right there.
Call me crazy but isn't this a ripoff of My Little Dashie?
I dont vare if this is a ripof on My little dashi i still love it keep it comming
2107193 It won't be a rip off of My Little Dashie. Mostly because I've never read My Little Dashie.
So it would be a bit hard to make a rip off of it.
My f****** nose brah, you're gonna pay for that, with hugs and comforting heat!
2397838
I see tea or hot chocolate in the future.
Scared lulu is a dangerous lulu