A fire crackled in a dusty room, warming the three ponies next to it. Dressed in black, the three ponies whispered amongst themselves, words exchanged sending chills of pure ice down their spines.
What was being told in this room, words cloaked in shadow and meanings of blood and pain, stories of spells and dangers, and ponies who ran for their lives...only to be caught in the claws of their pursuers.
Dread tales of legends long passed, of skeletons and ghosts, hydras and dragons. Heroes and villains that fought tirelessly for years, only to give way to threats that tore the country asunder...
Thus was the tradition of the annual Apple Family Ghost Story Hour on Nightmare Night; to scare the cutie marks off those who came by to listen. Today, Twilight was going over stories with her friend Applejack, and Applebloom came along to listen to her sister regale of times long since buried in the vast sands of Time.
"Alright, Applejack, I'm ready," Twilight adjusted her cloak, levitating a notepad and quill in front of her; ghost stories were a great method of connecting with others, and a true show of one's ability to write and create. Maybe she'd learn something for her next letter to the Princess?
"Ah'm ready t' go!" Applebloom scratched her mane under her hood, "Why do we have t' wear these though? They're itchy..."
"All part of th' effect, Applebloom," Applejack scratched her own mane; despite the want to make a scary atmosphere, Applebloom was right. These did itch!
Throughout the year, Applejack had been looking forward to this particular Nightmare Night. Her brother, Big Mac, had set the bar pretty high last year with his story about the Headless Pony; even Granny Smith was shaking in her chair. Whether that was because he was talking for about an hour, or because they all felt a cold hoof on their shoulders as he spoke, she'd never know.
But tonight, she'd be recognized as the best ghost story teller in the Apple family, and who better to check your horror against than somepony who doesn't believe in ghosts, and bases everything in logic? Twilight Sparkle was the greatest challenge the farm pony could hope for.
"Alright, everypony ready for the most terrifyin' story ever told?" Applejack adjusted herself next to the fire, so the light cast an excellently eerie shadow over her face; it felt pretty warm, but she could manage.
"Ready, sis! Give us yer best shot!" Applebloom furrowed her brow and smiled; she was ready for anything, and Mac's story wasn't even that scary! No, she didn't have nightmares! Be quiet!
"Quill's at the ready, and quality control is ready to go, Applejack," Twilight gave a raise of the brow, quill already against the paper. Remember, AJ, goal tonight is to terrify her... get her to believe in ghosts. Time to break that ever-present shield of logic.
"Alright, well here we go..."
"It all started long ago, back before Equestria was ever formed. Th' Three Tribes were still fightin' amongst each other, ne'er seein' eye t' eye. When it came t' food problems, everypony turned to th' Earth Ponies, callin' 'em traitors n' conspirators, hoardin' all th' food 'emselves. When the storms brewed and crackled in th' endless sky, ponies cried out against Commander Hurricane an' 'is Pegasi, sayin' they were tryin' t' start a war an' burn th' land.
"Th' Unicorns were a whole other issue; whene'er somethin' unexplainable happened, like whole crops suddenly dyin' on a perfect day, or thunderheads appearin' outta nowhere, magic was blamed. T' say that the Unicorns had a lot on their plate was an understatement, since Princess Platinum n' 'er father, King Goldline, were at th' center o' every civil outcry against the Horns, as they were called back then. But t' say that all these here problems were the fault of those three Tribes... well, y'all'd be wrong."
Applejack paused for a moment, looking over her audience. Twilight was madly scribbling notes, seeming more interested in how the story was built, rather than what the story really carried, while Applebloom leaned in slightly, eyes wide in anticipation; so far, so good.
"Now, there's a sayin' that was whispered among the members o' th' Three Tribes, often used as a story to keep the foals awake at night when they'd been bad. This here story was about...
The Ghost Ryder, Tartarus' bounty hunter."
"Who?" Twilight chimed in, looking up from her notes, "There's never been any mention of a 'Ghost Ryder' in Equestria's history...of course, I've only studied about seven hundred years of it..."
"Ah'm gettin' t' that, Twi'. As Ah was sayin,"
"Th' Ghost Ryder was a demon, one o' th' most evil t' ever rise up from those flamin' pits. He was kept as the right-hand stallion to the King o' Tartarus, and was sent out often t' catch those who got away from the gatekeeper, Cereberus. A flamin' skull an' a steed t' call 'is own, he rode out from the burnin' depths on a hunt.
"An' every Nightmare Night... they say he can be seen. Back then, it was jus' called Crim Moona, since th' moon'd turn red like blood. It went 'round as a typical legend; jus' words, right? Just somethin' t' keep the lil' fillies and colts occupied... 'till they started hearin' th' rumors."
"What rumors, sis'?" Applebloom leaned in further, her hood now covering most of her face. Those eyes were still well lit by the fire, and she was shaking. Good, good...
"Ohhh, harmless lil' rumors, y'know... possession, evil spells, words of a fire behind a lil' filly's eyes..." Applejack smiled, leaning in as she spoke. "Jus' like the fires in your eyes, lil' sis..."
Applebloom shot up at this, freezing solid. "W-What does that mean?" Applejack laughed, the fire catching in her eyes such that an inferno lit up in her pupils.
"Well, y'all're possessed, an' that means somepony's comin' t' look fer ya..."
"T-T-Th-The G-G-G-"
"Yup... but if y'all let me continue, maybe you'll get a hint as t' how you can get away..."
Applebloom quickly nodded. AJ's eyes shifted to the lavender librarian, who was now leaning in as well. Her quill stopped scritching a while back... guess she had her attention now.
"Now, this here Ghost Ryder didn't come out fer jus' anypony's soul. Ohhh no... the regular ones'd just get torn up by Cereberus if they ever tried t' leave. These spirits, these 'devils', now they were dangerous.
"One time, actually, was burned into folklore as the wors' possession ever recorded... they called it the 'Red Princess'... an' this Princess was anythin' but benevolent. A body o' charcoal and a mane o' blood, eyes that'd strike a stallion dead at twenty paces, and a tongue torn from the body of a dragon... she was evil straight through."
Applejack leaned in to her audience, the other two ponies mimicking her in curiosity.
"An' y'all may ask, what broke her? What turned her t' th' ways of evil? What made her tear ponies apart, just t' see what their innards looked like? Well, Ah'm pretty sure y'all can figure it out."
"W-Was she p-p-possessed?" Applebloom was shivering like an apple in the wind.
"Yeah, an' not just by any soul...but by a dead ancestor," Applejack grinned, her eyes reflecting the fires of Tartarus themselves. "A dead ancestor...by th' name o' Luna."
Twilight gasped and Applebloom shot straight up in a screech. "W-What?! B-But Princess Luna isn't dead!" Twilight shouted, notepad being caught in her magic just before it hit the ground.
"Y'all'd love t' believe that, wouldn't ya? Truth is, not many can believe the Princesses're truly immortal. Some say they're shapeshifters, like them Changelings... others say they're ethereal, images o' bodies long since decomposed and returned t' th' soil. While some..."
She leaned in further.
"Say they're devils."
"What?! B-B-But Princess Celestia's nice! Real nice!" Applebloom fell to the floor, shaking. "She ain't a devil! She can't be!"
"Oh, but she is, lil' sis. And her sister is too; Nightmare Moon was just her bad side comin' out t' play. An' when Luna possessed th' Red Princess, the Three Tribes took up arms. This poor pony was turned into somethin' evil, some horrifyin' abomination that'd lock you up in stone, so much as look at'cha. She was an innocent lil' pony workin' with Ambassador Puddin'head, lookin' int' ways of improvin' crop turnout. Winter was comin', so she had to double 'er efforts."
"Just... she's a researcher..." Twilight messily scratched out a few more notes before placing the quill and notepad on the ground. Gotcha now, Twilight...
"Yep... jus' like you, Ah figure. This here pony didn't have a horn, but in order t' find a way to boost the food supply that year... she turned t' th' arcane. She began researchin' magic along with new farmin' techniques, even managed t' try a spell or two."
"But that's impossible! She doesn't have a horn!" Twilight poked her own in emphasis.
"Yet she still did. Th' methods fer such a thing've been lost t' the endless sands o' Time itself... but nopony ever wanted t' dig it up after what happened. After she changed... into an alicorn.
"An' not just any alicorn... but a horribly twisted version of herself, mixed with Princess Luna. Her cutie mark wasn't even discernible, an abstract mess between the night sky and a satchel of seeds. A horn grew outta her forehead, tearin' away the skin n' flesh, while wings made o' bone and blood tore from her sides... her pained screams crossed the country, and stabbed daggers of ice into everypony's soul.
"A devil had arrived...an' th' legend said that whenever somethin' evil was around, He wasn't far behind...
"Th' gates o' Tartarus flew open with a mighty slam! And out came the flamin' bounty hunter with a great sword across his back, edge burning with the agony of Tartarus' prisoners, an' a net made from the fur and flesh of a hundred ponies! His mighty steed tore across the volcanic land towards th' mountains, where the death screams of a pony who only wanted t' save lives echoed out... as she changed.
"Wasn't long before the Pegasi caught eye of th' Ghost Ryder, and their wings burned as he tore past... faster than a rampagin' pegasus, they said, as a river of lava was left in his wake... his steed charged up th' mountain pass, ponies left and right parting ways, eyes filled with terror and hearts heavy with fright...
"Th' legend was real, an' he was comin' fer a soul tonight. He rode into th' Earth Pony camp, all around 'em were dead ponies, some wiped clean from the ground, save a red stain, others torn in half with their hearts still beatin'... a few were even eaten alive. In the middle o' th' carnage sat the Red Princess, an Earth Pony wrapped in her magic... she was laughin' while the pony screamed for their life.
"'Put th' pony down, demon!' Th' Ghost Ryder shouted. Oh, she put th' pony down alright, all over his face as she chucked the pour soul at th' flamin' skull o' th' bounty hunter. A quick swipe of 'is hoof blew the pony clear o' his path, and th' two locked eyes. The Red Princess spoke with the voice of many, her tone thick with pain and dread..."
"'I am Santa Venganza, ruler of the flames and carrier of vengeance. Ponies shall kneel this night, for the fires of Tartarus are incapable of containing me, and the guardians are incapable of fighting me.'"
Applejack froze up, along with the other two. That... wasn't her speaking...
"'For the legendary bounty hunter to stand against me is both delightful and foolish... for I've yet to taste the flesh of one who shares in my prison.'"
"W-W-Who..." Applebloom stuttered, tears pouring from her face. The air seemed to grow heavy, the light from the fire being drained away by something...
"W-Was that?" Twilight looked around, light coming from her horn after a quickly-cast spell. All the light seemed to siphon away towards a single point, hovering below two deep blue eyes.
"'And you shall know pain, pony of the King of Tartarus... and I will relish every moment.'"
From the shadows stepped an armored pony, steel helmet giving way to a single dark blue horn and a flowing mane of black ether. A chestplate bearing the full moon shone meekly in the light of the fire, embarrassed by the light of that demonic smile...
"'Much like the rest of my victims... you will know pain...'"
"N-N-N-" Applejack stuttered, stepping away from the massive body.
"N-N-N-N..." Applebloom simply lay there, frozen, staring up at the face of their would-be attacker.
"Nightmare Moon!??!" Twilight finally completed the shattered sentence, putting herself between Applejack and Applebloom. "What've you done with Princess Luna?!"
"Princess Luna? You're looking at her, my little pony," Nightmare Moon stood, a look of sick pride on her face, staring down at the lavender mare who stood against her so long ago.
"We defeated you though! Two years ago, we beat you!" Twilight gritted her teeth as her horn lit up further, staring into the eyes of the alicorn. Princess Luna did use Nightmare Moon as a disguise a year ago... but this feeling was different...
"Y'all shouldn't even exist now!" Applejack finally pulled herself together and stood beside Twilight, staring down their opponent. "Applebloom, go upstairs, now!"
"R-Right!" Applebloom jumped to her hooves and sprinted to the stairs, only to be wrapped in a black aura. She hit the ground hard from a sudden force shoving her down, and was dragged against the floor back towards the group. The world around them seemed to bleed as Nightmare Moon drew closer.
"Now, now, my little ponies... your Princess wants to sense your fear for longer than simply a few moments. It's been a thousand years since I felt any form of admiration, fearful or otherwise... running away from me is quite rude!" The explosion of her voice rocked the house, sending Applejack to her flank. "I did enjoy that retelling of my past though... very thorough, Element Bearer. You do your ancestors proud," That sick grin on her face widened as magic swept through the house, doors and windows locking. A sudden banging from upstairs echoes through the room; seems it woke Big Mac up.
"I think it's time for Santa Venganza... to have her real vengeance!"
Nicely told, and a good transition from ghost story to reality. Really hope this continues, I'd like to see where you're going with this!
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I'll see if I can't come up with a clever continuation to this, but it did start out as a Nightmare Night one-shot.
We'll see, but I can definitely think of ways to continue this.
Alright, I gave the first chapter a really deep read and here is the review you have asked for! I hope you don't mind that it gets a bit long. Of course, I'm summarizing, and I won't point out all the small fiddly bits. But just as an overview this is what I think.
Also, I must point out that I'm being very critical here, on the level of if, let's say, you submitted this to my critic thread (which is invisible). I must say now that overall, I did enjoy the first chapter.
Essentially, the whole idea and pace is pretty much there. The transition between the story that eventually leads to the reveal is quite well done, but I must say that from the start to the end, I really felt that it was more of an adventure tale than a horror tale, at least so far. Mind you, part of the idea of the horror story, at least to me, is to capture a certain level of mystery and intrique while you go along. This one has been written with a pace that's more suited for adventure; where the story is already presented and that is what keeps the reader going, rather than to find out what IS going to happen. But in that, it's got a promising beginning.
My main issue, which I think removes me from that element of 'creepiness' is two things. One of which is the scale of the fear. Horror can either be on a vast scale, or on a very personal level. But no matter which one, the thing that binds it together is that it is presented from the experiences of the personal level. Whether it's a zombie holocaust or a woman stuck in a house being prodded by evil fairies, the story tends to still follow them around and the story is elaborated on as things occur TO them. This story is AJ telling another story about two great forces in the past who sort of waged war and caused pretty indescriminate damage on innocent ponies. There isn't anything personal about the story, and yes, I did note that you added the whole 'researcher' angle to bother Twilight. What might have been more effective would be to present AJ's story in the way that it actually followed this one pony from start to end, until she was posessed by Luna's evil demon spirit. By focusing on the Ghost Ryder (by the way... is that who I think it is?) and on Luna, it humanizes them too much, and the story captures the feeling, again, of a more epic grand adventure type story, the kind that warriors regale in pubs.
After all, the purpose of this story was to make Twilight scared, right? To 'defeat' the scientist, so on both levels, both AJ's story and the ACTUAL story, they ought to be a bit more personal.
The other thing I noted was that AJ's story was a bit complex. In horror, simple stories are the best. Complexities make room for mystery and adventure, but for horror, you'd usually find the best horror stories or movies have incredibly simple plots. Usually it's just about people just trying to survive some sort of evil or whatever, and moreso does this apply to suspense horror. Lovecraft, for example, had very SIMPLE stories, but very DETAILED. What I found a bit jarring about AJ's story, which in meta becomes the actual story as well, is once again it's about an epic-scale battle. Liked the idea of the Ghost Ryder, OR the Luna character, but putting them BOTH in the same story might have been a bit overkill, because halfway through I found myself wondering which one of them I was supposed to be scared of. Especially when AJ made a veiled threat that Bloom was already posessed, which directs us to fear the Ryder, because he's 'comin' for ya!' but then she instantly goes into how the posessing demon was the really scary one, so then that sort of distracts you from the original source and it ends up a bit muddled.
Having a focus is good. Make it clear from the very start who we are supposed to root for or be scared of. Something I personally do is, from the VERY beginning of my horror stories, is to really just hint or suggest what the evil is, so people know what to expect. I don't go and add a secondary evil that actually FIGHTS the first evil.
So to conclude, I'm not saying this is a bad story. Far from it. Outside of the few tense thingies and a bit of repetition in your style, it's a pretty solid beginning so far, and it does have a very effective reveal, which I like a lot. However, it really feels more like an exciting 'adventure' type story than fear, because there is a bit of a disconnect between me (the reader) and the story.
Another thing I ought to mention which actually ISN'T your fault is that you chose a pretty difficult method to write horror on. Writers, myself included, do not attempt to try to create atmosphere through a secondary source. AJ telling a horror story is meant to scare HER audience, not YOUR audience. So when a reader reads it, they are ALREADY one step removed from the personal level. The only way to really connect is to have the reader implicitly connected to the actual character in the fic being scared. But in yours, there's more than one. Twilight? Or Bloom? Also, how are we to put ourselves in Twilight's position when the story is written explicitly from the perspective of AJ? (This is evidenced because you use narrative bleeding from AJ's position, so this makes the reader actually instantly associate with HER)
Now, again, this is only my thoughts from the FIRST chapter, because I want to at least let you see how my thoughts evolved. The deal with the Ryder VS Luna might go somewhere, I don't know YET, but I'm enjoying it more for the upcoming conflict rather than to be creeped out.
Very nice, very nice. I like a good, dark story. Always a pleasure to read something that gives you a twinge, a bit of a shiver. Best read at night. Keep it up.