Written by: Mayhem Darkshadow
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Chapter 2: Strange Feelings
Twilight left Canterlot late in the morning the next day. The morning had been very awkward for her and Luna. It was good thing that Celestia had joined them for breakfast; she broke the tension quite easily. Twilight had very mixed emotions of what had occurred last night, and she didn't understand them at all. Was it wrong for two mares to cuddle as friends? She didn't have any idea.
"Maybe I can do research on this, I'm sure I must have a book about all of this," said Twilight to herself.
Books, her mind always went back to her books. She was so use to being a student that it's what her mind always went to. Whenever she had something on her mind she didn't understand she would always turn to the library for assistance. This was normally a viable solution in most cases, but she was unsure about this one. One thing was for sure, she needed to keep this a secret.
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Luna found herself once again pacing around her room, but this time it wasn't because she was bored. This time it was because she was confused. Back before her banishment it was very common for the sisters to have harems that followed them around, even harems that contained other mares. Luna could remember times when she would lay down surrounded by at least three or four mares. Times had obviously changed, but Luna couldn't understand why she felt so weird about what had happened last night.
"Twilight wasn't opposed to the idea. I don't understand why breakfast this morning was so...full of tension," said Luna out loud.
Luna hoped that none of her guards could hear her, or worse Celestia. Her older sister would surely not approve of these weird thoughts that were swimming through her head. She did however realize that Celestia was the only person that she would be able to talk to about this matter; she just didn't have any idea how she was going to go about it without giving herself away.
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Twilight ran around the library in Ponyville. She sent Spike out to run some errands so she could have some time to herself to sort out her thoughts and read some books.
"Why...isn't...there...anything!" she shouted as she poured through every section in the library.
There was nothing, not one single book that could help her. Never had she been let down so badly by books. She flopped into a chair and put her hooves over her face.
"What am I going to do?" she said to herself.
There was a knock on the door and she got up and answered it. All her friends were standing in the doorway with concerned faces.
"Twi, you okay sugar cube?" asked Applejack.
"When you didn't show up for our usual weekly lunch we figured something was wrong," said Rarity.
Twilight had forgotten about this, she had become so absorbed in her research.
"Oh sorry girls, I had my head crammed in the books and well you know how that goes," she said with a nervous laugh.
All her friends gave her looks of understanding.
"Well the restaurant isn't full, I'm sure we could still get a table," said Rainbow Dash.
Twilight smiled and they left for the restaurant. She then realized that maybe her thoughts were something that she could discuss with her friends, discretely of course.
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It was at the daily afternoon tea that Luna decided to bring up her feelings with Celestia. The castle staff brought their tea out and little snacks as well, just as they always did, and then left them. It was a good day for tea, it was still snowing outside. Luna thought about how she was going to go about this and then started with a simple question.
"Sister...how do you know if you have feelings for someone?" Luna asked.
Celestia put her cup down and looked at Luna.
"Well...hmm what kind of feelings are these? Feelings of Friendship, or Companionship?" asked Celestia.
Luna blushed a bit. "Well...I don't know I've just been having strange feelings about someone lately," said Luna.
Celestia took a sip from her cup and then smiled at her sister.
"Awe Luna do you have a crush on someone?" asked Celestia.
Luna blushed even harder; this was where she hoped the conversation wouldn't go. She didn't want to be told that she had a crush on her sister’s student.
"Well I don't know sister...I guess I'm not a hundred percent sure," said Luna.
Celestia continued to smiled and kept pressing for information.
"It's okay Luna these feeling are strange, but they are telling you that you are certainly having feelings for another pony. So who is it? Who's the lucky stallion?" asked Celestia.
Luna didn't know how to answer this question and she panicked and tried to come up with something.
"Well...it's...it's not a stallion," stuttered Luna.
Her lips had failed her; this was the wrong thing to say. She waited for judgment but Celestia was still smiling at her.
"Well that's alright Luna I'm not going to judge you on that. Whoever this mare she must be very special," said Celestia.
Luna laughed nervously. "Yeah, she is very special to me," said Luna, "Should I tell her how I feel about her?"
Celestia nodded. "An admirable idea Luna. I'm sure you're nervous but it would be best to tell this mare how you feel about her," said Celestia.
Celestia finished her tea and then returned to her duties. Luna sat at the table for just a while longer, thinking about what her sister had just said. She would let Twilight know how she felt; she just didn't know how she was going to.
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Twilight sat at a table inside Sugarcube Corner with her friends, not saying a word. They were all so busy talking and eating that they hadn't noticed. She wanted to ask them about these feelings she was having, but she didn't want to give herself away. She also didn't want to be judged.
Finally Pinkie Pie noticed that Twilight had talked much and called her out on it. "You're being so quiet today Twilight. What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Oh sorry girls, I have a lot on my mind right now," said Twilight.
"Well what's wrong sugar cube. Anything we could help you understand?" asked Applejack.
Twilight thought about what she was about to say and then spoke. "Girls, how do you know if you have feelings for another pony?" asked Twilight.
All her friends eyes widened, even Fluttershy's. Pinkie, being Pinkie, burst with joy and started bouncing around.
"Twili's got a crushie. Twili's got a crushie," said Pinkie Pie and the top of her lungs.
Rainbow Dash grabbed Pinkie Pie and shoved a cupcake in mouth. "Announce it to the world why don't you," said Rainbow Dash.
Her friend all turned to her and began to talk to her about what she was feeling.
"Well it certainly is a strange feeling," said Rarity, "I remember my first crush. I had knots in my stomach for weeks."
"I'm kind of feeling the same way," said Twilight.
Her friends seemed to think it was very cute.
"Well it's just a natural feeling. But you make it sound like you've never felt this before. You've never had a special someone?" asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight shook her head and her friends all giggled.
"So, who's the lucky stallion? Anybody that we know?" asked Applejack.
Twilight chose her next words carefully. "Well...it's not a stallion. It's another mare," said Twilight nervously.
Her friends said nothing, but they weren't shocked at all and they didn't judge her.
"Well there is nothing wrong with that," said Rarity, "I'll admit I've felt attractions to other mares...when I was younger."
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking another mare," said Rainbow Dash.
It was after they all reassured her that there was nothing wrong with her that she realized she had the best friends in the world. They told her that it was ultimately her choice, but suggested that she told the mare she had feelings for about how she felt. Twilight decided that she was going to tell Luna how she felt, whether or not Luna felt the same way about. She thought about how she was going to do this as she walked back to the library.
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Luna sat in the Ponyville Library waiting for Twilight to get back from her lunch. Her baby dragon Spike had let her in and said Twilight would be back soon. Luna noticed he was a very good host, he offered tea, coffee, snacks, and even books. Luna thanked him but said that her visit would only be a quick one, stating that she only wanted to talk briefly to Twilight and then head back to Canterlot.
Time passed and Luna felt that maybe Twilight was not coming back. She was about to make the decision to leave when the front door opened and the purple mare walked into the library. She had snow all over her body, but all of it fell off when she jumped in shock.
"Luna, this is an unexpected surprise," said Twilight.
Twilight took off her coat and then came over to Luna. Luna felt the knots in her stomach twist tighter, but she knew what she was going to say, even though she was embarrassed.
"Twilight can I talk to you about something, in private," said Luna.
Twilight looked at her funny and then took them upstairs to her room.
"So what's going on Luna?" asked Twilight, "I'm normally only use to getting visits from your sister."
Luna looked down at the floor in embarrassment; she thought that maybe she should wait to tell Twilight. She picked up her head and took a deep breath.
"We...I want to talk to you about last night. Something happened inside me, I don't know what, but I've been having strange feelings ever since then. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable last night. I've felt these feeling before, when you showed me how to have fun during Nightmare Night. I dismissed them as nothing, but they have come back," said Luna.
Luna had no idea that Twilight knew where this was going. It was funny because she had planned to the same thing tomorrow; Luna had just beaten her to it.
Luna took another deep breath. "Okay I'm just going to come right out and say it. I...I...I like you...like more than a friend I don't know how to explain it."
Luna's eyes filled with tears and she fell to the ground crying. She had felt sad before, but never like this. She closed her eyes and let the tears pour down her face. She then felt hooves wrap around her body and squeeze her tight. Twilight was hugging her and comforting her. Luna opened her eyes and they met the gaze of Twilight.
Twilight smiled at her and Luna smiled back.
"I've been feeling the same way. I didn't understand it because I've never had a special someone, though your sister always encouraged me to try and find one. I didn't realize what these feeling were until my friends explained them to me. I was going to come to Canterlot and talk to you but you beat me to the punch," said Twilight.
Luna wiped some tears from her eyes. "So, you don't think I'm weird?" asked Luna
Twilight shook her head. "Of course not," she said.
They hugged again, for what felt like forever, and then looked into each other’s eyes. They didn't know what to say to each other, a sleep over seemed to have turned into a relationship.
"So, where do we got from here?" asked Twilight.
"Hmm...I'm not sure. Are we in a relationship now?" asked Luna.
They both thought about this. Twilight had never been in a relationship and it had been more than a thousand years since Luna's last relationship. Neither of them knew the answer to the question.
Finally Twilight spoke up. "I guess we are. Seems like it started faster than a normal relationship," said Twilight.
Luna agreed but neither of them seemed to care at all. They were quite satisfied with the choice that they had made and were both eager to see where it was going to go. Both of them were glad that they had the same feelings for each other, if one of them didn't then that would have made for a very awkward friendship.
This is of acceptance, I have praised the message
this will be interesting
though "said whoever" is extremely jarring after or in the middle of each line of dialogue and probably should be removed except when it is not obvious who said it where it should be stated creatively
since this is a story focused on ponies use somepony not somebody, use anypony not anybody ect just a tip
meh. not bad, but it seems rushed.
Phwoar, prepare for Constructive Criticism Overload (CCO for short)
The very first thing you should be aware of, is that you have good ideas, but you seem to have trouble putting them down into words. Don't worry, a great many writers get this.
Item # Two: You're rushing it. Take more time to think about exactly how you're going to bring the plot around to where you want it. (For example, in chapter 1, it would have been much more engaging if Luna didn't just come straight out and ask if Twi "wanted to cuddle". Not only does it give the story a feeling of unneccessary haste, it's quite out of Luna's character as a princess.)
Item the Third: Be Descriptive! Each and every one of the small segments in chapter two could have been extended into their own 3000-5000 word chapters by just describing more of what's happening (i.e. the surroundings, expressions/actions of the ponies, etc). This would have given readers a great deal more insight into how both Luna and Twilight are feeling, and how they come to terms with their emotions. (Also a little side-note here, Luna's discussion with Celestia and Twilight's discussion with her friends were far too similar. Be diverse with your writing, you want to give readers something new with every scene.
Final Pointer: Your grammar and language use need extensive work. One thing i noticed most in chapter 1, was your overuse of a word ("Pillow" as an example.) a word should not be said more than once or twice in any given paragraph. If you can't think of another way to say it, there's always an online thesaurus. Also (as stated in someone else's comment) was the way you overused names. (e.g. "Finally Pinkie Pie noticed... cat got your tongue?" asked Pinkie Pie). the second "Pinkie Pie" is not needed here, just a simple "she asked" would do.
Anyway, i hope this helped (i also hope this comment isn't too long to be posted). if you want some more in-depth advice, toss me a message, and i'll be happy to help out. Good Luck!
This story is touching but awkward!
Oh on thing take your time writing! Dont rush it! add details! What were the thoughts of twilight while she walked home? Explain Luna's feelings etc.
1592022
I agree with you! If I was the writer I would listen and make sure i edit this and work harder
1592095
Haha, thanks It's not like I need another distraction from my own writing but, as I said, the ideas in this were good. Also, I just like helping people I've also never read a Twi x Luna ship before... Half-tempted to try and write one myself now, but I've got enough on my plate already
Thanks for all the comments I'll put them to good use in the chapters to come
They're probably a little rushed because I'm in college right now so busy with the studies. I tried to get a friend to edit them for me but he didn't have time so I just kind of posted them. As I said above I promise more details and far better job editing.
Thanks Featherprop I always appreciate constructive criticism. All your advice will be put into the next chapters as will all other constructive criticism
1589861 Twilight has actually used Anybody before in the show.
A bit rushed? Yes, but I feel that this story has potential.
On another note: You wrote that you know people that can help you with the story. If that is so, then there is no reason why you should write and post without a 'green light' first. I've read stories in Fanfiction.com that have taken months and some even years before they were completed, so you take as much time as you need... even if this is the first story you've written in a while(apparently). No pressure. Remember, real life comes first.
1592170
I like helping people too
I never read any pony x pony! (weird ik ) I only look at pictures if Fluttershy x Big Mac :P
I don't usually read this sort of things BUT I quite like it...
Note: You should get it proof-read.
Mane not "Hair" (:facehoof): things like that can affect someone's views on it!
I think it was alright, was fun to read and not too fast.
However, even as a non-english person i have the feeling that some things just sounded...wrong. Proof read would be a good thing i think.
I think that they should tell Celestia and become a couple.
Ohh hi Mac
Okay u can stop now
Ugh help me AJ
Please?
Grrr. How 'bout u RD?
Didn't think so..
Stop!
Anyway good story mustaches ffor u.
A good story so far and can be brought large hights
I can't wait for reactions, but I suspect most of them will accept unless they are a bunch of hypocrites.
Got to say I've never had a story blow up like this before. Thanks everyone for the very supportive comments. I know I've said this at least three times today but I am taking every bit of constructive criticism and putting it to good use. I already have a friend lined up do be my second editor so except much better grammar and what not. I already have to chapter written but they need some more work until they are ready. Except to see them in the next couple of weeks. Thanks again everyone.
Lord I talk about writing with better grammar and then I read the above comment...good thing I have a second editor lol
Hm. Well, OK. The ending sorta feels like it should have been longer, like you took the whole chapter and chopped a really small bit off the end, almost a bit rushed. Just because your story gets popular, it doesn't mean you've suddenly got impending deadlines of doom to submit to. But we'll done, this chapter's grammar and stuff was better than the first one.
This felt very rushed, you literally jumped from one minute they're friends to having feelings for each other the next, there was no development at all and i can hardly call cuddling a form of developing a crush or a sudden realization of feelings for someone.
I suggest you redo this and extend it vastly, make it so that luna and twilight continue having these sleepovers and slowly have these feelings develop to the point when neither can hide the truth any longer. It will make the story long and involve putting a lot of detail but it will pay off in the end with a satisfying story that everyone can enjoy.
Made a list of everyone's suggestions and plan to put them to good use. Thanks to everyone who commented with suggestions I appreciate it.
Lots of grammer mistakes..... but still really good!!!!
Keep It Up Really! dont stop
Thanks everyone, don't know when the next couple of chapter will be ready but all these comments are good inspiration to get them done.
1605595 Lots of to/too and your/you're mistakes, as well as some derailed sentences... You might want to get a proofreader or two.
Sorry it's taking so long to get some more chapters out. My editor and I are both in college so that pretty much sums up why. I'm going to push him to get them done so that I can get some new chapter's out hopefully before Christmas.
I like it but it is rushed as others have said. I didn't see this in comments, might have missed it. When Luna talks in the royal we to often do you just do something like "we...I" or "us...me". Instead go back and watch the nightmare night episode. When Luna corrects herself she often goes back and repeats the sentence or a piece of it. It should be something like, "Enter Twilight Sparkle we are, I mean I am pleased to see you.". I would also maybe switch between the royal we and the royal Canterlot voice so it's not just the royal we every paragraph.
Repeated "this".
I think this should be "or".
I think this should be "to" or "at".
So, her head crammed the books while the rest of her snuggled with Celestia, headless?
First of all, ambiguous, repeated "them"/"their".
Secondly, the last "then" is wholly unnecessary.
"friendship" and "companionship" don't need Capital Letters.
Her... nervous system? That should be a "you're".
First "your" should be "you're", as above. Second "your" is correct.
It's like Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Refer to Twilight by name as often as possible to avoid it.
The second sentence there is cut off, and should probably be continued with something other than "about her".
At that point, my patience with this chapter had run out; the above list of errors is by no means exhaustive or complete.
How is Celestia not piecing this together? Luna and Twilight just had a sleepover and now all of a sudden she is talking about having feelings, FOR A MARE no less, it's so obvious who these feelings are for!