S(crap)tacular Stories

by CosmicAfro

(2C)Answers

Seriously, what the actual hell? Does everyone in this place own a horse? Do they all send their horses to do menial tasks while sitting on their lazy ass and do whatever? That’s ludicrous, outrageous, stupendously stupid and outright distressing to every fiber of my being. I need to find out what’s up with this place as soon as possible, I’m starting to worry that I’ve gone completely bonkers.

Who sends an animal to deliver a wheelchair anyways? Isn’t that kind of, oh I don’t know, IMPORTANT? If I was a doctor and I was given a request for delivering medical equipment I wouldn’t send just her. Maybe an unpaid intern, but not a horse. If I were to go out on a limb and say that this is another sentient animal I’d still say I’m stretching my own truth. This is going beyond believable.

I mean, she’s acting like she’s never seen a person before. Her jaw dropped like an anvil, her eyes are like the pins of needles and she backtracking a little bit, butt to the floor. I’m honestly surprised her dainty little hat didn’t fall off. I’m glad the apple branded ponies are helping out, well that’s what it looks like anyways, but I don’t know if they’re calming her down any bit. She practically flew into the hallway from whence she came. The red one managed to push her back into the room despite how negligent she appeared to be about it. Geez, it’s like I’m an alien around here.

To finish it off, she’s white. Like blanketed snow! That obviously means that she’s albino and that obviously means the doctor who sent her has a deep wallet. That’s not even mentioning that anything albino is instantly awesome. I’ve seen a few albino creatures in my day: dolphins, squirrels, sharks, and lobsters come to mind. Now I can add horse to my list. Neat.

Well, this pony is my help, I might as well be courteous.

“Heyya,” I greeted the nurse-like pony along with a friendly hand wave. I attempted to grin but after her Oscar worthy performance of freaking out it was difficult to get anything more than an awkward smirk.

Not to be redundant but she flipped out again which wasn’t helping anyone. Maybe she’s skittish? Thankfully, with bouncer-like appeal, the large red pony stopped her dead in her tracks. It reminded me of one of those comedy movies where a guy is running away and then face plants into a buff guy’s chest and then falls onto the ground. He looks up at the towering wall of solid muscle in front of him and says, “holy hell.” Except, this was with brilliant horses.

I whistled into the air to gain some of my lost attention back. They turned their heads directly at me with vigor and uneasy eyes. I pointed at the floor where the scroll and pen were and motioned with my index for someone to bring it to me. Eagerly, the smallest of the bunch brought the necessary items to me.

With my entire amazing artistic prowess I inked the quill, flattened the page against my other hand and began to draw. It was magnificent. Their eyes didn’t miss a stroke of my creativeness as I danced around the page with nimble and fluid lines and arcs that w-

Ok, alright, I’m no artist. I actually managed to conjure up a box with a tiny plus on top in hopes that they’d understand “hospital”. Sue me if I’m not Picasso. Actually, please don’t, I have bills to pay.

Anyways, after I was done scribbling, the scared –to-death nurse managed to approach me, after some encouragement from the others of course, to observe my drawing. I would like to believe she finally calmed down at this point though an invisible barrier still seemed to emanate from her (was it something I said?). I held it up with my hands and thankfully she pointed at her hat and the wheelchair, indicating she understood what I meant. I wasn’t surprised to be honest, it would seem like every pony around here is super smart. No wonder the owners aren’t around, they don’t need outside assistance.
At the same time when she approached I noticed her nose visibly retract as if some horrid odor had invaded the inner confines of her nostrils. She couldn’t help but hold a hoof to her muzzle. Did someone pass gas? Wait... was it me? After sniffing my pits I had the same reaction, though I had to gag dramatically for extra effect. Two solid days, not counting today, would probably do that to a guy. I drew another object. A shower.

___

With the assistance of my new rolling chair and the horses, they pointed me towards a small bathroom that was freshly stocked with linens and towels. It was a quaint room with an oval mirror hanging solo on the wall just above a porcelain sink that had cabinets underneath that. There wasn’t a window anywhere and the walls were orange, striped with red, wallpaper. The floor was tiled, clearly defining a change in the room from the wood paneling. Unfortunately the shower that went all the way up to the ceiling had a smell level that prevented me from rolling right into it. The orange one fetched a stool and placed it inside while the red one helped me transition over by using his front legs like a forklift. It was an impressive balancing act by far as he performed it in one swift motion. The landing was a little rough but I couldn’t complain (mostly because they don’t understand English). They checked that I had all the necessary provisions and shut the door behind them. I removed my pants (I won’t go into those kind of details, sheesh), put them on the seat of the wheelchair, drew the curtain and let the water begin the wonderful process of cleansing.

The water was no less than perfect. My definition of perfect would be warm enough to feel as if I were sitting in a hot tub while not hot enough to do any actual scalding. The tricky part was getting the knob, or in this case another lever, at that perfect angle which I managed to accomplish on my first try. I could feel the previous day’s aches and pains (not to mention excess dirt from the crawling) fade away.

The shampoo on the shelves at about my eyesight level were, unsurprisingly, apple scented. I didn’t need the fancy symbols to tell that. The only problem was I couldn’t tell which one was body wash and which one was for hair. They looked pretty identical, both of the mascots had strange colored horses on them (figures), so I took a guess. I took a large glop from one of the containers and began massaging my scalp with it. My hair loosened up from its greasier state and became unknotted so I assumed I gambled correctly. If I had known I was this messy I would have requested this sooner. I leaned into the spray so that more of the foam would rinse down the drain and not cause flaking.

After about ten minutes of scrubbing, I shut off the water and shook my hair, creating a light mist around me. I drew the curtain back and found a red towel and began to brush myself down. Unfortunately my hair had been given the privilege to grow out more than usual so it took a couple of rounds before it was completely dried. I put my pants back on and whistled for some assistance to get back into my new mode of transportation. The stallion came in and assisted me once more. He also looked at my fuzzy hair and motioned his head towards a comb lying on top of the small cabinets. Strangely enough, or perhaps unstrangely enough (so what if it’s not a word, it should be!), this brush didn’t look like it was meant from people. Maybe the owners cheapened out and saved money on hair brushes by using their animal’s? That sounds risky actually because horses could be filled with bugs and dirt and… disease.

Even if they are super horses that doesn’t make them impervious to common ailments; I’m pretty sure Einstein got a cold every now and again. In fact, now that I’m thinking about this a lot of everything around here hasn’t added up. If these ponies are trained then surely there is a trainer who clearly understand the limitations of what these creatures can do and the pros and cons that they provide. And what about the horses acting like people, the thick hairs on the pillow, the horses freely wandering inside of a house, and those pictures? Something isn’t on key here…

Reluctantly, I fumbled with the brush as I questioned the ethics behind combing my hair with it. While it did get the job done… something just wasn’t right about it. When everything was completed I stepped out- err, rolled out into the hallway and back into the living room with the red horse following me. The albino nurse looked like she was ready to head out and definitely calmer than before. Her eyes were enough indication that she was attempting to apologize about before and my waving my hand like “it was no trouble at all, I understand (sort of)” let her off the hook. She handed me my shirt, clean and not dotted with blood and mucus stains, which I happily put back on. Animals may dress in their birthday suits, but I for one was happy to have something over my chest again. I’ll have to thank whoever cleaned this, if I ever find out whom. My follower gave a small whinny and then walked outside through the front door to do whatever it was he did.

I turned around and exited out of the same door where I was confronted with a new challenge: stair steps. Even though there were only two steps that’s a huge distance for someone who can’t mosey down them with relative ease. An image popped into my mind about my tumbling down and landing face first into the loose dirt below wasn’t pretty, along with my wheelchair dropping on top of me and breaking my back.

Before I could contemplate any further about how I was going to approach this task I soon found my vision angled towards the sky. Then moving forward! Holy shit what the-

Looking behind me revealed the nurse using the rear handles to support me while she gently pushed me down one step at a time. I guess my face was contorted into fear because she had to give a reassuring smile. Even though it was from a horse… it worked and I let her do what she needed to do. When we hit ground she put me back into my normal position and continued pushing. Well, that was easier than expected. Anticlimactic too.

I unexpectedly found myself wheeled around and facing the house I was staying in. To my surprise, it was a two story residency with a wide girth which explained the narrow hallways. There were some windows up there but it was too dark inside to see anything. Two story house... I wonder if the people are up there? Back at the entrance the Stetson pony and the workhorse (he was wearing some brown brace around his neck so that’s what led me to that assumption) were standing in the doorway. Out from between the two the young yellow pony burst through and stood in front of me.

“Hey, how can I help you?” I asked, very well knowing she couldn’t understand.

She put a hoof on the wheel. Instantly I understood. I wasn't sure how, but I did. She wanted to tag along and take me to the hospital. That’s very compelling but I don’t think that would be the best idea.

I pointed a finger at her and said the most powerful word in the English language. “No.”

Her lip started to quiver. My god that’s adorable but she can’t come, this is her home.

“No. Seriously, stay here.”

Her eyes began to well up with tears. F-fuck! That’s cute!

“N-No! Stay!”

She plopped her haunch to the ground and drooped her ears down. The heart palpitations returned.

“Pl-please don’t do that! I know you want to come with me but-“

A small, lone tear streaked down her face while she kept up her dramatic pout. God damn it. “Alright, you can join,” I said with a smile.

She instantly put it all away, like it was some kind of mask, and returned to her jovial self. Did I really just get puppy dogged into getting her to tag along!? Yes, I think I did! These horses I tell yah…

With an approving nod from Stetson and Workhorse (not bad names actually…) she began to pace at my side as the nurse, who seemed unmoved by this, pushed forward.

___

Traveling along the dirt road was pretty intense, I’m not going to lie. It was my first time being outside since I woke up in… wherever-this-is -that-wasn’t-obscured-by-trees ville (or wtutwobt-ville for short). There were rolling hills with long tendrils of grass that bent graciously in the wind along with a cloudless sky and an afternoon sun that gave a cheery atmosphere that was hard to not to whistle to. Now, if only I could actually whistle. I found it odd that the atmosphere was clear while winds were prevailing seeing as moisture typically travels with it but I decided to ignore it for the sake of the mood.

The yellow adorable one had kept to the side, easily entertained by my hand gestures. I once let loose a loud clap when a bird was perched on a lone tree and everyone was startled by it. I got a look from both of my traveling companions like I was being a jerk. I gave them a raspberry (the tbbbbbbbbt noise) which cleared my slate.

I did have a question rolling through my head the entire time though: how far away was the hospital? Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this open field business which is a nice break from the suburbia I live in, but it’d be nice to see another man-made structure.

“Well Ethan, just take it as it is, an adventure.”

I didn’t realize I had said it out loud because they both jumped back, slightly shocked I had spoken. Frankly, I understand. There’s no real reason for me to speak if there’s no one to talk to.

I pointed my thumb at myself and pronounced my name to the yellow filly. “E-than.”

It tried to get its mouth to form the correct vowels, but it mostly came out as “eeeeeeibuuuurgh”. It sounded almost like a question so I pursued the matter.

“No. Eeeeee-thhhhhhh-aaaaaaaan.”

“Eeeeee?”

“Yes. Eeeeeee-thhhhhhhh-“

“thhhhhhh-”

“Almost there!” Wow, if I haven’t said it already, these ponies are just awesome!

“thhhh buuuurgh.”

I shook my head in mild disappointment. I rubbed her little mane and patted her head. “It’s all right, it was a good try.” She didn’t know what I was saying but she did stop trying. Well, out loud for the most part.

After another ten minutes of traveling I decided to give my helper a break and push for myself. She seemed to be ok with it. Operating both wheels at the same time took a few tries to get used to, applying an equal amount of force at the same time with both arms isn’t as easy as it appeared, and turning wasn’t too fancy either. Most of the time I took too sharp of a rotation and botched my balance and almost sent me capsizing on land. They weren’t my proudest moments but I managed to get the hang of it.

Of course, the nurse found it entertaining that I couldn’t navigate well and let out a snort/chuckle. I understand I looked foolish but give me a break, it’s my first time using one of these! She knew it too. Maybe that’s why she was mocking my distress? Nobody mocks Ethan or makes Ethan speak in the third degree! ETHAN SMASH!

Unannounced, I bolted down the path as fast as my arms could push me leaving a visible dust trail behind me. Two barely visible ruts of dirt formed in my wake. Stunned, the two stood silently before realizing, “holy shit, he’s getting away!” I shouldn’t have been surprised when they galloped ahead of me, forcing me to use the brakes on the sides, but there I was... surprised. Response time: incredible. Acceleration: pretty fast. Is this like rock beating scissors: yes. The nurse was visibly pissed, which I didn’t even know was possible for a pony, but little miss yellow seemed to be just the opposite. She snarled something and forcibly took control over the driving again. Geez, don’t get your… hat in a knot (if only you wore pants).

A few minutes later (times like these I wish I had a watch) something popped up over the horizon. Was it!? Could it!? Yes! It was! It was a pointy roof top! And then, and then another one! Math time!

Roof tops= buildings. Proof of truth: roofs are on top of structures as to prevent water or foreign objects from entering above.

Buildings= people. Proof of truth: buildings don’t come into existence naturally. The root of building is “build” which mean someone created it. Else-wise they’d be naturals.

People= more than just one human and the possibility that someone speaks English increases exponentially. Proof of truth: is in the pudding.

So, by assuming that all of the above statements are true, one can infer with confidence that rooftops= people (or in this case, civilization of peoples which would still be correct). The exception to this would be if the native inhabitants had all deceased and the roofs were a remnant of the culture but that’s not pertinent to the case. They look well maintained and that’s all I need to know.

As more and more structures came into existence a stone pathway emerged. I delegated pushing to myself seeing as it would be a lot easier to navigate on stone than dirt. I could tell the nurse was keeping a close eye on me but I don’t think I wanted to upset her more than I already had. She could tell, however, that I was getting excited and decided to trot ahead. I kept with her pace as well as keep sight of the yellow filly.

We gained more ground, the walls of houses could be seen. Tall and lean houses with more than one story!

This is it!

A large wooden entrance showed up. It had foreign letters on it much like the letter but that only confirmed that this was a town! A place!

Needless to add, I was eager.

I zoomed through the parabolic arch, letting my hands fly free and letting momentum carry me.
A shadow drifted in front of me. It wasn’t comparable to a cloud shadow either, the form was way too defined. It looked like it had wings but with a horse’s body. But, that could only mean-

I dared to look up. A silhouette of… of a PEGASUS was above me! A FUCKING! WHAT!?

My eyes darted down and saw another shocking thing. I hit the brakes and scooted to a stop. Eagerness gone and freak out mode engaged.

“A- a unicorn!?”

There was no mistaking it; a white horse with a purple mane had a horn on its head. A HORN! And what’s worse is that it didn’t look fake! In fact, as I panned my vision towards the rest of the town I saw only more of the same thing! Ponies of impossible colors, unicorns and whatever the plural of pegasus is, and more outrageous brandings all with unique color schemes and designs!

“No… no! Where are all the people!” I yelled at it in a confused rage. It ran away screaming in terror and the others followed.

I clasped my hands to my head and clenched at my hair. What the hell was going on!? Is this it!? Have I finally lost it!? My grandmother always knew I’d go completely insane but this was phenomenal!

Apparently my conscious decided that I couldn’t handle this right now so it put me to sleep. The last thing I remember was the ground coming dangerously close to my face.

Thud.

___

“Ugh, my aching…” I pressed my palm to my forehead and was surprised to discover I wasn’t touching skin, but a bandage. I rolled over and found sheets rubbing against my skin. Wait, that meant-

I opened my eyes with vigor to discover I was in the same room as I woke up in last time. The clock was clicking louder than normal, each perfectly timed tick distressing an already hefty headache. There was a sliver of grey light pushing its way through the panel of glass. It was night time, obviously. I propped myself up, causing a massive blood flow to my head which didn’t help at all. I rubbed my eyes and lazily yawned. Though it was difficult to see, I could make out a candle in a cup… thing that had a match next to it sitting on top of my chair.

I grabbed the light source and ignited it. The brightening of the room revealed the yellow pony sleeping silently at the other edge of the bed with a blanket draped over her. Her back was to me so the light wasn’t getting into her eyes, thankfully. I’d hate to wake her up.

The light also showed me a clipboard with some charts in it along with another scroll with a green ribbon on it. I picked up the charts and put the candle on a night stand that had been placed next to the chair. The papers were in that confounded other language but from all of the green highlighting everywhere at the bottom of each page I could tell my signs were good. Only one graph was highlighted in yellow which was the anatomy page. An arrow was pointing to the back of a horse’s body which had a large X though it in black ink. Seeing as it wasn’t a human body told me that I must be an unusual case.

So… I guess that means I’m in a town of a bunch of ponies… Is that even plausible? Can that actually be true?

I unraveled the scroll and found a short picture story in front of me.

From what I could tell there was a stick figure me in a shoddily drawn chair with mismatched wheel sizes. It showed me with my hands (err, someone drew them as hooves with sticks on them... nice) on my head and falling onto the ground. Two Xs were over my eyes along with a few symbols drifting above. I could only assume those could be equivocated to the letter z. In the next scene there was the nurse picking me up with an arrow in front of her pointing at a hospital.

Next there was the yellow pony and the nurse waiting outside of a room where they examined me. It looks like they’re really worried. I’m on a stretcher with a bunch of ponies circling around me, all with horns on their heads. I guessed I wasn’t hallucinating when I saw that unicorn or the pegasus.

The next frame had me sleeping in a wheelchair as I was pushed back to the farm. There were angry faces coming out of the hospital. I guess they didn’t want anything to do with me. Harsh. Workhorse and Stetson were there at the farm house. I can’t tell from the symbols but it looked like they were allowing me to stay. They looked concerned too.

I guess that means I’m living here right now. I’ll need to find a way to repay these… horses.

In the last frame were three unknown characters. Two of them were unicorns though one was arguably larger with a… sparkle or something on its butt. The other was a tiny pegasus. I didn’t know what that meant… maybe it was a random scribble. Oddly enough, the two smaller drawings didn’t have any markings on their backs.

I rolled the parchment back up and set it aside on the table. The blankets shuffled slightly and a muffled yawn came out from under. The crumpling of the paper must have abridged her sleep. She lifted her head up and swiveled her head to face mine. There were streaks of small tears, real ones, damp on her face. It looks like I really scared her yesterday or today (depending on the time).

She crawled towards me, letting the blanket droop lazily off her body and nuzzled my face. I hugged her and let out a sniffle or two. It’s not that I was a pansy, really I’m not, but finding out that I’m in a town filled with ponies with practically no chance of communication on top of having my legs removed was a burden, a burden that I’m not sure I could carry.

But now more than ever, I wanted some answers. I want to know why I’m here, why I’ve been, ugh, amputated and why there is a place like this.

For now, though, I embraced the young pony and cried into her coat. I’ll admit it, I cried. She hugged me back. She was more than just an animal; I see that now. I just want to know why. Eventually, I blew out the candle and rested my head back onto the pillow. That night, I slept somberly.