Life and Death

by Protector of Light

Certainty

This morning is calm and quiet. My sun is shining; there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Today is simply a perfect day. And it is today that I attempt the most difficult spell that I have ever undertaken.

Twilight and I had a nice breakfast together, taking time to discuss the task at hand. We took our time, reminiscing about the good and bad times alike. She talked mainly about her friends and family and how much she misses them. This made me ask the same question that I keep asking myself to this very moment: is this the right thing to do? Or should I leave her alone to die? Not that I would ever truly leave her alone; I will be with her until her last breath, however far in the future that might be.

As far as the procedure of the spell, I plan to release my energy a little at a time rather than all at once. It seems like it would be safer that way an there is no specification in any of the material that I read that would lead me to do otherwise. Safety is my first priority. I have placed many fail-safes that will prevent Twilight from being injured in case of an emergency. These precautions may have little effect on my well-being, however. The magic being used is not meant to protect the user.

“Are you ready, Twilight? Are you sure that you want to go through with this?” I ask, not wanting to do anything that she does not feel is right.

“I’m ready, Princess. I’m sure that this is what I want to do.” She has such a big grin on her face that all of my doubts are dissolved.

We prepare the spell. Everything is in place. Twilight is sitting calmly on a pillow on the floor. It is all up to me now. Am I really doing this? Is it the right choice? Is this her fate, or am I just tampering with it through my actions? Do I proceed, or do I tell her that I am not willing to try? I decide it is worth attempting.

“Now, I don’t know how long this will take,” I tell Twilight. “But I promise that it won’t cause you any pain. I have studied the procedure thoroughly and can assure you that whether it succeeds or not, you will be unharmed. There is nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid, Princess. I’m ready whenever you are.” She seems so calm, her face a blank slate, showing no hint of nervousness or fear. She trusts me.

Well. I may as well get this over with. What comes to be is meant to be. I can only do my best, try to make it work. It is all up to me. I begin the spell, taking time to check my energy levels. It is noon, the perfect timing between sunrise and sunset. My magic is at its peak power. I touch horns with Twilight. I feel her soul; it certainly had been nearing its end. However, I can only hope that his will heal the damage. I close my eyes in concentration, yet I feel my thoughts wander.

Noting that my energy does not falter, I let myself walk down memory lane, remembering the good times with Twilight, ignoring the bad. I remember how excited she was when she got her cutie mark and I took her on as a student. I remember her diligent studies, and how she forgot how to make any friends until I forced it onto her. I remember every one of her letters and how proud I am of her. And I am truly proud of her. I love her. I don’t want her to leave. I continue pumping my energy gradually into her system. I feel her soul strengthen.

“This actually feels pretty nice,” I hear Twilight say.

It’s almost ready. Just a little bit more…

“Sister, what in all of Equestria are you doing?” Luna asks barging in, slamming the doors open. My energy continues for the moment, but I feel Twilight faltering. This takes absolute concentration from the both of us.

“It’s fine, Luna. We’re just doing a spell,” Twilight reassures.

“With that much energy? Sister, answer me? What is going on?” She seems torn between anger and worry. I’d reassure her as Twilight did, but I am too busy to speak.

She touches my shoulder. I feel my magic shatter. My vision is gone, replaced by bright light. I’m losing control; I feel my body rising off of the ground. I am flung across the room. I hear Twilight scream; everything goes black. I fade out of consciousness. I just… needed… a little…

***

“She was trying to make me live longer,” I hear the voice of my faithful student say, calmly. Is this a dream? It doesn’t feel real. My magic is never this useless in real life. It must be a dream. “But I don’t feel any different. She said it might not work. But she wanted to at least try.”

“What? Twilight Sparkle, why did you agree to this? You could have both been killed!” Luna seems very upset. This is odd. I rarely have bad dreams, yet this one feels like a nightmare.

“She promised me that no matter what I would be safe. She said that the worst that could happen would be that nothing would change.” Twilight pauses. “She didn’t, however, say anything about herself.”

“She knows better! You don’t mess with the balance of life and death. It’s something that just isn’t done!” Luna sighs. “When I felt that much energy flowing through this room, I feared that you were under attack. Otherwise, I would not have interrupted. It was very stupid of me. But I did not want you or Celestia to be harmed. I’m sorry Twilight. I could have killed you.”

“You didn’t; that’s what matters.” Twilight coughs. “What do you mean, ‘you don’t mess with the balance of life and death’? Princess Celestia didn’t seem to have any qualms about it. Surely she wouldn’t use forbidden magic.”

“While it is not forbidden, it simply isn’t done. Nopony is powerful enough to accomplish that spell without some kind of negative result. She should have known that. She’s lucky that she just fell unconscious and didn’t receive any permanent damage!”

“I get the feeling that she didn’t do enough research before trying the spell. She had so little information to give me. I imagine she didn’t realize what would happen until it was too late to turn back.”

Twilight is right. I didn’t know enough about the process to be attempting it. I was just too desperate. I didn’t want to be out searching for information while Twilight was slowly dying. She needs me, especially now. I shouldn’t have bothered. Now I’m too weak to do anything at all. I’m getting the feeling, from context, that this is not just a dream anymore.

“To me, the worst part is that she didn’t even trust me enough to tell me what she was doing. Yes, I would have tried to stop her, but if I couldn’t do that, I would have at least been there to help when she got injured.” I hear hoofsteps of somepony pacing, presumably Luna, who is speaking at the moment. “There aren’t supposed to be secrets between the two of us, since the Nightmare Moon incident. While I’m hurt that she didn’t trust me, I think that I’m more worried about what’s going through her head to make her do all of this.”

“I’m sorry Princess Luna. I just wanted the spell to work. It didn’t even occur to me to try to tell you. Princess Celestia said that it had to be our secret, that nopony could know. I couldn’t even tell Spike for crying out loud! It really all seems unlike her. She wouldn’t hide things from you. I could only assume that you already knew.”

“Well she did not.” Luna huffs. “And don’t be sorry Twilight Sparkle. I’m not upset with you. I’m just worried about Celestia. If she wouldn’t even let you tell Spike, who she trusts with everything as much as I, she mustn’t be in her right mind.”

I’m in my right mind, I want to say, yet I want to hear the rest of their conversation before they know I’m awake. Nothing’s wrong in my head! I just didn’t think! I got too emotionally invested in my student and I cannot bear to see her go. But I guess that I will have to now. I’m out of choices. Ugh, this predicament makes my head hurt worse than it already does. I’m insulted that they would think that there is anything wrong with me. I didn’t tell Luna because I knew that she would try to stop me, she said it herself! I didn’t want to be stopped, or protected. All I wanted was to keep my student, my dear friend, alive, to make her well again. But now that’s all gone away. I won’t have enough energy to try again in time. It will take me years to gather that much energy again. But she’s so close to dying, I can’t bear it!

“She wanted me to live. That’s what possessed her. She wanted me to be okay. I guess I shouldn’t have let her do it, but she seemed so excited over it and I didn’t want to disappoint her. I was excited too. I’d love to live longer and study the secrets of the universe for as long as possible, but now I know that I can’t,” Twilight says.

I finally decide to ‘wake up’. “Twilight,” I begin, opening my eyes. Twilight and Luna freeze in place to look at me. “I hope that you don’t regret me doing this. I wanted to help you more than anything. I’m sorry that I couldn’t.”

“Princess Celestia, this is not your fault! It’s too much magic for a single pony to use!”

“Sister, are you hurt?” Luna asks frantically.

“I’m fine,” I say, raising a hoof to signal that I still wish to speak. “Just a little bit of a headache.” The understatement of the century. “Don’t worry about me. Twilight, are you alright?”

“Of course, Princess. Just like you promised.” Twilight smiles at me. She doesn’t want to upset me, obviously, but studying her, I am reassured that she is fine.

“Celestia! What were you thinking? You could have both been hurt, using that much magic at once. It’s unusual for you to do things before thinking them through first.” Luna looks at me sternly.

“I wasn’t thinking. However, I was putting out energy at such a gradual rate that neither of should have possibly gotten hurt in the process. And I didn’t think things through to tell you or Spike. I just want Twilight to be well again. That’s all that was going through my head.” I feel my emotions taking over again. I don’t want to cry in front of my student. I would trust her with the world, but I would not wish to burden her with seeing her teacher in tears. Yet, I can feel the sadness written all over my face. I can fight the tears, but I cannot hide this sorrow, no matter how well practiced I am in hiding my emotions.

“Sister… I’m sorry. There’s just nothing that we can do.” Luna looks at the floor, melancholy.

“And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what was going on. I didn’t want you to stop me. I knew that you would try to. I just couldn’t face not even being able to try.”

“We can talk more later. For now, I think that we need to get Twilight to bed. She looks exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” says Twilight, stifling a yawn. “I want to go see Spike again before I go to bed. Tell him what happened. I don’t want him to be left wondering.”

“I could tell him,” Luna offers.

“No. I think that it needs to be me.” Twilight heads towards the door.

“At least let me take you,” Luna insists. “I’ll be right back, Celestia. You get your rest.”

“Thanks Luna. It’s hard for me to walk that far.” Twilight waits for Luna to reach her. “And Princess Celestia? Thanks for trying.”

“I’m so sorry it didn’t work,” I say, looking at her sadly.

“It’s okay Princess. You tried.”

I smile at her. “Go and see Spike. I’ll come and visit you later.”

“Of course.”

I watch her go. Luna looks back at me before they disappear in a flash.

***

Luna returns to my room about an hour later. She looks as sorrowful as I feel. So much worry. So much regret. She need not feel those things. Those emotions are meant for I and I alone in the present. I understand that she will miss Twilight as well when she is gone, yet, I know that that is not what these emotions are about. I can read my sister like a book. Those thoughts are about me. She regrets entering the room and stopping me. Even farther back, she regrets becoming the monster Nightmare Moon. She need not regret that any longer. Time has healed all wounds. What is done is done; there’s no reason to dwell on the past. I know that. But I also know how hard it can be. I remember how much regret I held when I sent her to the moon. And now, I regret the failure of the spell that may have saved my faithful student.

“I’m sorry, Celestia. I should not have come into the room without knocking. I was just afraid for you.”

“Don’t be sorry, Luna. This is not your fault. Most likely I did not have the energy to lengthen Twilight’s life. I don’t blame you.”

“Are you sure that you’re alright? You really have been acting out of character lately. You’ve become secretive. I’m worried about you.”

“Nothing is wrong, Luna. I’m just fighting myself over Twilight’s death being soon to come. I don’t want her to go.” The tears I’ve been holding in slip from my eyes.

Sister,” Luna comes over and wraps a wing around my body. “I’m here.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what was going on. I should not have kept a secret from you,” I say through the tears.”

“Shhh… It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“No, it’s not okay. I should have told you what was going on. I just knew that you would try to stop me. I didn’t want that. I wanted for Twilight to be alright. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wanted her to be better. I wanted her to live forever along with us. I didn’t know what to expect. I should not have proceeded without more information.”

“We all have our moments of weakness. It’s just a matter of overcoming those. Everything will be okay, Celestia. You will have Spike and I for a long time. I’m never going to leave you again.”

Here we stand, two sisters in eternal understanding, knowing that we will always have each other, waiting for the death of one that we both hold dear.

***

I visited Twilight once today. She seems much weaker. I immediately called Spike, telling him that this may be his last chance to say goodbye. It may be my last chance to say goodbye as well. I am returning to her room, leaving my royal duties to Luna. She so understands all of this. She has had her visits, and she has said her goodbyes. She does not feel that it is necessary for her closure for her to be present when the time comes.

I however, will be standing beside Twilight Sparkle until her soul has departed to the great beyond. When her last breath leaves her, I will be there to tell the world that Twilight Sparkle, one of the most incredible ponies of all time, has died. Not that I would really tell the entire world. It is personal business, not something that the entire population of Equestria needs to know, no matter how famous of a pony she might be.

But I fear how much I can take. I know that I need to be there. But what will I do when she is gone? Will everything just go back to the same, like things always have when I have lost other friends? Or am I right, and the bond between her and I is stronger than anything I have ever experienced besides my sisterhood with Luna?

I enter Twilight’s room. She is sleeping peacefully. Every time I have left her for the past few days, I have always been sure to say both goodbye and see you later. Goodbye in case of the worst. See you later for the hope that remains. But each time I see her, she gets weaker and weaker. I cannot even feel her energy at all anymore, it’s so weak. But there’s nothing that I can do but stand by and be there for her.

Spike is sitting in the corner. He is very quiet; he doesn’t even acknowledge that I have come in. I worry for him, and how he will take Twilight’s death. It is going to be hard enough on me, her teacher, let alone him, her brother. I say nothing to him because there is nothing to say.

She wakes for a moment, only a moment. “Thank you for being here you two. I love you both.” That is all she says, in her half-asleep state. Then she returns to dreamland. Hopefully she will only have pleasant dreams forever more.

I watch Twilight’s steady breathing. It falters and then comes to a stop. She has passed peacefully in her sleep, with Spike and Twilight standing beside her. Spike looks up at her. “No. Twilight, no! You can’t leave me here all alone.” He is crying, barely able to speak through the tears. “Don’t leave me…” He says no more, falling into the hands of sorrow.

I walk over to my dragon friend. I wrap a wing around him. “You are not alone. I’m here.” I feel tears slipping out of my eyes, running races down my face before falling in cascades to the floor. “We have each other.”

We stay like that for a long time, as doctors rush in the room, seeing if there is any life left in her. When there isn’t, they cover her with a blanket, say their condolences, and wheel the bed out of the room, leaving Spike and I together, while in our minds we are alone.

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing you this final letter, as I know I will soon be gone. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my mentor and dear friend, for being there for me through the good and the bad, through the happiness and sadness, and for trying to save me in the end. I knew that my time here on this world was done, even before that spell failed.

But you gave me something better than eternal life: you proved to me that you loved me. And your love is all that I ever strove for. Love of friends is what I always wanted, and it is what I received. Love from you proved that I did something right in life. Thank you for trying to save me. That attempt is more than I ever could have asked for.

Tell Spike that I love him, and that I wish that I didn’t have to leave him. But tell him that I am happy, and that I am ready to face whatever is to come. I’m telling you those things as well. I love you, Princess Celestia, and the love of you and Spike is all that kept me going all of these years since my friends passed. I am not afraid. I want you to know that.

For the final time,

Your faithful student and friend,

Twilight Sparkle

***

I noticed the letter when I arrived to my room, much later that evening. It was on my desk, like all letters that she had ever sent me. Spike did not send it; she teleported it herself, with the last of her energy. I wish that she wasn’t gone.

I wish that I had told her how much I loved her, how much I still love her. But I think that my actions spoke louder than words. I think, I hope, that she understood just how much I cared.

I didn’t leave Spike’s side until Cadance arrived to comfort him. Since then, Luna has not left my side. We each have someone to be there for us, and we will always have each other. Always. That word is a lie.

‘There is always next time’ is a fraud. ‘I’ll always have feeling for you,’ a falsehood. ‘Always is simply propaganda, put in the minds of the young and hopeful, those naïve enough to still believe. And I was among those until Twilight’s death. Now I know better.

There is no always.

Unless I have something to say about it.

Comments

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

That last line? Yeah, it scares me.

[Biker_Dash]

To be honest, I am not certain that I should have read this tonight. Not in the state that my mind has been in.

[Ciclone151]

esse capitulo me fez chorar de verdade