Part Two: The Biggest Clown Hammer of All Time
Masquerade
Part Two: The Biggest Clown Hammer of All Time
You might think, with everything about Princess Celestia revealed in this Handbook, that you feel yourself capable of challenging her. Don’t do it. It is a very, very, very bad idea, and not just because of the unimaginable chaos that would result from a random pony overthrowing the Monarch of Equestria and Mistress of the Sun. I shouldn’t even have to issue this warning, and I certainly didn’t for the first edition of this book, but then five different readers over the years did decide to challenge Princess Celestia armed only with the first edition. All five of those challengers failed.
Do you want to know why? Because Princess Celestia cheats.
—from The Equestrian Handbook, 2nd Edition, by M.J.P., Chapter 5
STORYTIME!
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there lived a pony named Celestia! But she was not just any pony. No, she was the princess, and she could live forever, well...not forever, just a really, really long time and, lucky for her, she lived in Equestria, so she didn’t have to deal with crazy humans in duster coats wielding big honkin’ swords and saying “There can only be one!” in fake Scottish accents.
Sigh...
Now today, Tia should have been worried, because she didn’t know where her sister was. That sister, Princess Luna, was out in a battlefield somewhere up north, fighting the dragons that were fighting for the Dragon Emperor, but recently she had disappeared! Tia would have loved to send Twilight Sparkle and her friends to find her sister, but they were busy saving the world, because today was Tuesday, and that’s what the Elements of Harmony did on Tuesdays when they were bored.
So anyway, Tia was walking down a corridor, looking really confused, like she didn’t even know where she was—like she wasn’t even used to seeing! I can tell you where she was, though: she had just left the Elements in this tiny room with her friend Cecil. He’s a rock.
Racing up to join her was a stallion with a limp. This was Professor Stein. Steiny was this really old slate-gray unicorn that the Princess was sort of sweet on.
Pinkie...
What? It’s true! There’s no way he would have lived to be two hundred if she didn’t have some reason to keep him around.
Tia looked at Steiny with that same cow-eyed look. “And you are...?” she prompted...in, um...Her voice sounds weird.
Steiny had to concentrate really hard, but finally he remembered. “I’m Professor Stein.” He sounded weird, too.
Pinkie, what’s going on?
How should I know? I’m just the narrator.
Narrator? Does that mean that They are here again? Why didn’t you tell me? I look awful! Just give me a second while I try to do something with my mane and—
Chill out, Pinkamena! This isn’t an episode, it’s a story! Nopony can see you.
Really?
Yes. Unless some fan animator goes insane and decides to adapt this into a cartoon. In which case, Mr. Animator, I have a list of suggested voice actresses for you to use!
Pinkie, you’re so random! Also, who would voice me?
Same voice actress. It’s a standard convention.
Huh. I don’t sound anything like you. So, what did we miss during our current distraction?
Hmm? Oh, they were talking about the weather, but now it looks like Steiny’s mad at Tia for some reason.
“You get out of the Princess’ head right now, Vinyl Scratch!” exclaimed the Professor.
“I don’t think I can get out even if I tried, Twilight,” said Tia. Or rather, Vinyl Scratch in Tia’s head.
What? Oh, it’s going to be one of those kinds of stories, huh? The kind where even the narrator doesn’t know what’s going on and the brains of the readers starts dribbling out of their ears?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
How did Vinyl Scratch get in Princess Celestia’s head, anyway?
I dunno. Maybe Vinyl Scratch was a puppeteer who got hired to be a file clerk in a creepy building with an extra half-floor, and in a corner of this half-floor she found a crawlspace that led her into Princess Celestia’s head, only she gets kicked out after a half-hour and dumped into a ditch under the New Jonzey Turnpike.
Pinkie?
Yes, Pinkamena?
There’s maybe three people, if you’re lucky, reading this right now who have any idea what you’re talking about.
But all three of them are laughing their tails off right now. As Fluttershy would say, “I rock! Woo-hoo!”
“Is the Princess all right in there?” asked Steiny (Twilight).
Yeah, I hope you readers like parentheses, because I’m gonna be using a lot of them.
Tia (Vinyl) squinted one eye as she concentrated. “Yeah, I think she’s just asleep. Looks like I have the complete run of the place while I’m in here though. She’s got a remarkable filing system for her memories.”
“I would think so,” said Steiny (Twilight) with uncertainty. “So how much do you know as Princess Celestia?”
Tia (Vinyl) shook her head in wonder. “I know everything, Twilight. How the Sun works. How Ponyville was founded. What happened to Winnychester. The recipe for the perfect pumpkin bread. Where the Griffon’s Goblet is resting. I now know everything, and everything makes sense! Finally, everything makes sense!”
...
Pinkie, what are you doing?
Gimme a second, I’m copying down that pumpkin bread recipe. And...got it!
Pinkie, I thought you promised never to go into ponies’ heads without their permission anymore!
It was just a peek, and I made extra sure not to look at anything else! Now let’s get back to the story.
Steiny (Twilight) nervously ground his (her) hoof into the flagstone. “So, about Celestia and me...?”
Tia (Vinyl) smiled. “Twilight, you really have to learn some perspective. Now, what’s it like to be a stallion?”
Steiny (Twilight) sat down, then winced at his (her) sore flank. “Weird. Very, very weird. But we need to focus. We need to find Pinkie Pie.”
Oh, you’re looking for me, Twilight? I’m right here! Here I am! Here I am!
Pinkie?
Yes, Pinkamena?
Is this the sort of story where the characters can talk back to the narrator?
No, it’s the sort of story that makes your brains leak out of your ears. Weren’t you the one who figured that out?
[Sigh.] Then she’s not going to be able to see you. And you shouldn’t talk with your mouth full.
Oh. Right. But this pumpkin bread is so good!
“The Princess’ memories tell me that she just left us in Cecil’s room,” said the alicorn (unicorn). “That means that Pinkie’s not going to be easy to find.”
“Oh,” said the unicorn (unicorn). “Well, maybe she’s in somepony else’s head, just like we are.”
Nope-eroony!
“Well in that case, maybe we should follow through on whatever the Princess and Professor were doing before we wound up in their heads. Celestia was walking back to the throne room in hopes of hearing updates on Luna’s location.”
“That’s Princess Celestia and Luna!” insisted Steiny (Twilight). “And Professor Stein was here to give you...a whole lot of bad news.”
Tia (Vinyl) sat down on her haunches, which for an alicorn looks really, really funny. “What bad news?” she asked nervously.
“The dragon armies have crossed the northern border into Equestria overnight. They’ve taken everything north of Manehattan.”
“That fast?” asked Tia (Vinyl) incredulously.
“We don’t have any troops up there, remember? Just Princess Luna’s expeditionary force. The Princesses sent every pony that volunteered for the military to the southern border, to decrease the chances that the Emperor will over-ride them into marching against us.”
“Wait, so why would the Princesses leave us defenseless like that?”
“Because they did not expect the Emperor to break the rules of magical warfare!” Steiny (Twilight) replied in anger. “As long as the monarchs of two magical nations at war are still standing, then all fighting is supposed to be reserved to a magical duel between the two of them. Troops are only allowed in the unlikely case that both combatants destroy each other simultaneously with their magic. But it gets worse—we got a ransom note for Princess Luna.”
“The Emperor has captured my...er, Princess Celestia’s sister?!” exclaimed Tia (Vinyl).
Steiny (Twilight) handed over the ransom note. It was one of your standard-issue ransom notes. Lots of mustache-twirling, and a couple of “mwa-ha-ha!”s, and even stooping so low as to include an “...in me power!”. As if it wasn’t completely obvious by now that the Dragon Emperor was wing-dingy! Looney-tooney! And Oofty McGoofty. He also claimed to have the Princess bound in chains of adamantine.
“But that’s ridiculous!” Tia (Vinyl) protested. “Princess Celestia personally insured that there were no traces of adamantine anywhere in the world five hundred years ago.”
The terms the victorious Emperor was asking for were nothing less than unconditional surrender.
“And it’s not like even that would get her back,” Tia (Vinyl) said sadly. “The Emperor has said that he planned to use Luna in an occult ceremony to make the dragons immortal. He’s probably preparing to do that right now, regardless of how we respond.” She put her forehooves up to her head. “What would Celestia do?!” she asked herself.
“We don’t have the Elements of Harmony,” said Steiny (Twilight), “the invasion means the amount of hostile territory to cross before we reach Castle By the Sea has doubled, and we have no idea if any ponies other than Princess Celestia can even go there without being taken over! It’s hopeless!”
“If we knew where Luna was, then I could teleport there, grab her, and teleport back.” Tia (Vinyl) closed her eyes and concentrated. “She’s alive. I can detect that, but I can’t get a fix on her position because of her adamantine bonds, which by the way is one of the reasons why Celestia got rid of all of the stuff when she had the chance. She’s has got to have some kind of last-ditch plan stowed away in her memories for situations like this...”
[Gasp!] Room 78! Room 78! Say it’s Room 78!
“Room 78,” said Tia (Vinyl).
Yay!
“Room 78?” asked Steiny (Twilight). “Professor Stein’s memories are telling me that this is a really dangerous idea, but he also thinks that we have no other choice, and that it will probably work.”
Pinkie, what’s Room 78?
Room 78 happens to be the only room in the whole palace that I’ve never been in. I’ve heard, though, that when Equestria is in so much trouble that nopony can figure out what to do, then Princess Celestia goes in there for a few minutes, and comes out with all the answers.
“Cancel all my appointments for the day,” Tia (Vinyl) said grimly, “and meet me there.”
~ ~ ~
Hmm...how to describe Room 78?
I can’t, not really. Even as the all-knowing narrator, I still can’t see what’s going on in there. I can hear the ponies talking, and I get a few impressions, but I don’t really know for sure.
So I’ll just make it up!
Room 78 was a looong room, but really narrow, so like fifty ponylengths long by five ponylengths wide. It was also three—no four stories tall. It had a ceiling and a floor, but only three walls. Not because it was triangular, but because the left wall and the right wall were the same wall. You could only look at one of them at a time, and when you were looking at one, then the other one was gone, and when you looked at the other, it was the one!
I’m getting a headache.
Room 78’s most prominent feature was a clown hammer—the biggest clown hammer of all time! It was mounted on a hinge at the far end of the room and was currently balanced on its handle. There was this great big red circle at the other end of the room to show where the squeaky end of the hammer would fall when it eventually did fall. Room 78 was in the part of the palace that’s inside the Mountains of Tranquility. It had to be in that part, because if it wasn’t, when that gigantic hammer fell, it would cause Room 78 to break off of the castle—that’s how hard it fell. The spot where the hammer would fall was bedrock, and cracked deeply from multiple impacts. There was a nice comfy couch right in the middle of that red circle. I think it was from the Rarity Collection.
Pinkie...
Yes?
There is no way that Princess Celestia uses a clown hammer to save Equestria.
I told you I don’t know exactly what that is in Room 78! It’s just something that does what a clown hammer does.
I know I’m going to regret this, but...what does a clown hammer do?
It bonks ponies on the head. Duh. And if you want to bonk an alicorn, it has to be an extra, extra, extra-large hammer! That’s logic!
I give up. Three-story tall clown hammer it is!
Once the two ponies had gone into the room and locked it about a bazillion times, they went to a locker. There, Tia (Vinyl) took out this pack of magical matches and did this alicorn thing where her hoof went misty and absorbed it. After that, Steiny (Twilight) took out this really strong rope and tied Tia (Vinyl)’s wings against her body. Then the alicorn (unicorn) put her horn into this hole in the wall, and it came out covered in cork. This isn’t the stuff they put in champagne bottles, but this other stuff that blocks magic and has the same name. Tia (Vinyl) was now completely helpless.
Pinkie, I want you to promise me right now that this isn’t going to get...weird.
Did you see a Romance tag on this fic? I didn’t think so.
“Alright, let’s get this over with before I change my mind,” said the princess (DJ), walking to the center of the blast area.
Suddenly there was a bright burst of light, and a yellow- and red-colored baby dragon appeared in the room. This was Waking Terror, one of the Princess’ advisors. She’s got this big long backstory, but you don’t really have to know it, so I won’t waste your time.
“What is going on here?” she demanded. “And you better not say it’s anything...weird!”
Tia (Vinyl) sighed. “Get out right now,” she warned. “Else you learn of a truth so awful that you will surely go mad!”
That’s it, I’m out of here.
Wait, come back, Pinkamena! She’s bluffing, I’m sure of it!
“That’s supposed to be my line,” said Miss Terror (about the “truth so awful” line, not the “I’m bluffing” line). “Out with it.”
“Are you sure you can say it out loud?” Steiny (Twilight) asked nervously. “They might be listening.”
“‘They’?” asked Miss Terror.
Um, is this the same ‘They’ that’s reading this story right now?
“It’s all right,” said Tia (Vinyl). “No outside power can spy on us when we are in here.”
Ha! Shows what they know.
“There are higher powers at work in Equestria,” explained Tia (Vinyl), drawing on Celestia’s memories. “Powers that don’t even know that they are powers. At their whim, Equestria is manipulated. Pieces are moved as if life were a chessboard, and They care as little when Their actions cause empires to rise or topple as a chess player might when she wins or loses a game. With this device, I can momentarily swap bodies with one of these chess players, and so discover what is truly going on in the world.”
[Gasp!!!!!] I knew it! The rumors are true!
Rumors? What rumors? I never heard of anything like this. And this is a different ‘They’ than the reader They, right?
Yup! It’s like The Cat in the Hat—there’s Them-1 (the readers) and Them-2 (the power-y thingees)...and then there’s Them-3, but those are giant ants, and they’re not important right now.
So Them-3 is...?
Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story.
Alright, you know that warning that this story would cause my brains to leak out of my ears? I think it’s happening to me right now.
Don’t be silly, Pinkamena, your brains can’t leak of your ears, because you’re in my brain right now.
No, you’re in my brain, remember? Now about this rumor...?
Well, it was only whispered on nights when They-2 didn’t think we were around to listen. Tales of those who messed with Celestia, and how she drove them mad. I thought They-2 were making them up. But now it looks like it’s true. You don’t mess with Celestia, because Celestia cheats.
Wait, does that mean you know who They-2 are? What else are you holding back from me?
Change places!
What?!
Change places, change places!
Oof! Ow, why is it every time that...Ugh! Pinkie, this side of our brain is filthy! And weren’t you supposed to unpack these boxes?
I’ll get to it next Spring Cleaning.
You say that every year, and it never happens! Now wait a minute...didn’t I just ask you something?
Maybe...
Argh, and now I can’t remember it!
Too bad...let’s get back to the story.
Miss Terror was nearly as amazed as I was at Princess Celestia’s revelation about her own version of “change places”. “When was the last time you did this?” she asked.
“About seventy-five years ago,” she replied. “Professor Stein helped me with that one. I’ve done it five times in total over the past thousand years.”
“Only five times?” asked Miss Terror.
“They have the power to utterly destroy Equestria if they wish, so They can’t ever be allowed to figure out what I’m up to. It’s hard enough acting as if I didn’t know what They are doing when I’m not in this room.”
“So how do you know when to do it?” asked Miss Terror. “How do you know when this mysterious ‘They’ are active?”
“When life gets interesting,” said the Princess (DJ). “When lives can be easily summarized in the form of epic stories. When ponies start spontaneously bursting into song. There is a downside to doing this,” she continued, suddenly getting sad. “It happened the first time, when I wasn’t careful. The game ended, and the excitement went away. For three generations of ponies, there was peace and tranquility.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” said Steiny (Twilight).
“The greatest heroes of a thousand years ago suddenly became normal ponies,” said Tia (Vinyl). “Their powers, their larger-than-life personalities, disappeared overnight. They became like every other pony.”
“What are you saying?” the unicorn (who’s also a unicorn) demanded.
“Yeah, what do you mean?” chimed in Miss Terror.
“They don’t just influence the forces of evil, Twi...error,” Tia (Vinyl) said, saving herself from a verbal slip-up at the last second. “They’ve been messing with the lives of the current Elements of Harmony as well. You didn’t think that the incredible coincidences in their lives was all my doing now, did you?”
“Well...yes, as a matter of fact,” replied Steiny (Twilight).
Tia (Vinyl) shook her head. “No, it was Them. I didn’t mind, because it appeared that They were willing to let the forces of good triumph, and...well, because of something they gave me that I might never have had otherwise...”
Aww, is she talking about Tia getting to know Twilight? That’s so sweet!
“But now they have gone too far,” said Tia (Vinyl), lying down on the couch located in the center of the red circle of squeak. “The Elements are in mortal danger, my recently-restored sister has been stolen from me using illegal methods, and bound by illegal materials, and my little ponies are at war, a war that could permanently alter their character in ways I am not prepared to countenance. No, this ends here. I’m bringing back Luna, and together, we are ending this war once and for all!”
Woo, you go Princess! You know, that Vinyl Scratch is a good actress; if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was the real Princess Celestia giving that speech!
“How can I help?” asked Miss Terror.
“I’m going to be gone for fifteen, thirty minutes at the most,” explained the alicorn (unicorn). “During that time, one of Them will be in this body. You must understand, it will just be a filly. She won’t have any idea what’s going on. Like I said, They don’t know that Equestria is real. She’s going to think that she’s dreaming or hallucinating. Do everything you can to encourage this. We cannot have her realize the power she has over us. That’s why my wings are bound and my horn is corked. The last thing we need is a panicky filly in this body with access to all of my powers.”
Alright, this is going to happen really quickly. Pinkamena, I need you to stay here and take over as narrator. Tell the readers everything that happens in Room 78.
Where are you going?
I’m going to follow Tia (Vinyl) to wherever she ends up. Although I have a pretty good guess where it’s going to be.
But why can’t I go with you?
Because I can’t have the readers following me. There are some things even they (They-1, not They-2—stay with me, people!) aren’t allowed to know.
Where are you going, anyway?
...Change places!
Again? Oof...argh...Pinkie, what have you done with this place? You were only here for five minutes, and already this hemisphere is like a pigsty! Now I’m going to have to vacuum up all of your crumbs.
Oops.
“Alright, so what do I do?” asked Steiny (Twilight).
“Press the button,” replied Tia (Vinyl).
“Which one?”
“The one that looks like it’ll end the world if you press it.”
“The red, candy-like button?”
“That’s the one.”
*BEEP!*
*Whiiiiirrrrrrr.....*
WHAM!
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So, is everybody following along? The last thing I'd want is for some straggler to get stuck floating around in Pinkie Pie's head.
I'd start a contest to see who can count the most pop-culture references in this chapter, but somebody's head always ends up exploding whenever I do that...
This is insane.
Which makes sense, seeing this takes place in the subconscious. And Pinkie Pie's no less!
“I dunno. Maybe Vinyl Scratch was a puppeteer who got hired to be a file clerk in a creepy building with an extra half-floor, and in a corner of this half-floor she found a crawlspace that led her into Princess Celestia’s head, only she gets kicked out after a half-hour and dumped into a ditch under the New Jonzey Turnpike."
Rock on.
Now someone please explain what the difference is between They-1 and They-2.
1490936
Well for one thing, you are a member of They-1.
1490946 Ah, that does make more sense. Thanks!
1490936
Oh, so somebody did get that joke. My editor did as well. Now let's see if I can get to three...
1490946
Seems fairly straightforward. McPoodle and the content creators are They-2, Unknownlight is They-1, and I'm They-3.
Perfect sense. I don't see how anyant would have problems with following such primitive mammalian logic. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
1491003
You keep your giant mandibles and formic acid away from me!
1491022
Never!
*Mandible. Mandible* dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_ooh.png
Oh, sorry Lyra, didn't see you there. Where was I...?
...Is the hammer a giant Warhammer of Zillyhoo?
...
I had a headache going into this. Does that count?
3.bp.blogspot.com/-nHeB3pmzL-o/TuENNcBtK2I/AAAAAAAABdA/E3EHlZhjzhY/s1600/mlp_wat.jpg
Never has this image been so relevant
1490975
Raises hand.
Really, is it that underappreciated?
I loved that weird and awesome and weird ride and the fact that there were over 20 persons inside there at the end, sure that would be a tight space.
Wow. You really hate the fourth wall, huh?
Why yes Pinkamena. It is one of those stories. I thought this was obvious.
Ahh, McPoodle, Thou truly are a master of the art of storytelling. Please, continue.
Ohh, and it would appear you have been following rule 6 above all.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9354020.jpg
I felt like this while reading.
... well I've got admit that surprised me more than I should. Didn't think that pinkie knew all of celestia's memories (or atleast enough for everything to make sense to vinyl).
- Then again, I guess if Pinkie is one of them-2 that would mean Vinyl actually knows more than Celestia does, since Pinkie expects Celestia to know everything even if she doesn't.
Oh and, as always, great story. Managed to surprise me with your approach - in a good way though. And makes me wonder just how they are going to wake her up if she already knows that it's a dream... or just -who- they have to convince to wake up.
oO I just noticed something disturbing:
...
...
;)
Great chapter! My brain is starting to feel like runny Brie, though. Who the hell thought making Pinkie narrator was a good idea?
I rather enjoyed the 'Being Princess Celestia' reference.
One of my favourite films! 
yes...
1491520
Don't read MS Paint Adventures, sorry. I had to Google the term to find out what it was.
1495115 Damn, would've been a great reference.
Pinkie
What r u doing
Pinkie
Stahp
SOMEBODY WRITE THAT. Without all the sex though.
Pinkie's mind would make for an amazing camping trip.
So does her hair. In my head canon she rents space in her hair for pony homes.
Being John Malkovich!
i admit that i had to do research to figure that out
"Do you want to know why? Because Princess Celestia cheats."
So do we all.
Good.
"Woo, you go Princess! You know, that Vinyl Scratch is a good actress; if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was the real Princess Celestia giving that speech!"
Wait, what?
2598260
Well this is Pinkie's dream, right? And in this dream, Vinyl is playing the role of Princess Celestia. Which is to say that she looks like Princess Celestia, but really is Vinyl.
Actually, to complicate matters, it's more like Vinyl is possessing Princess Celestia's body, and the princess' memories are lurking in the back of their shared brain, and Vinyl's able to access them.
Now Pinkie has figured out the part about Celestia really being Vinyl, so when Vinyl-disguised-as-Celestia made that speech, Pinkie applauded it for being particularly Celestia-like.
Did that help?
Last story, we had a perfectly coherent (if at times unreliable) narrator, whose identity as an actual character only started showing at the "smashing bunches of dragon eggs" thing.
This story? Very much NOT that! Which would be bad, except for it being Pinkie, which makes it good!
...did I just say bad writing was a good thing? Geez, when Pinkie said this tale would make your brain melt out of your ears, she wasn't kidding!
Have you got a pickle for them?
That's not the Sex tag.
:D
1490748