Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

by The Tainted One

Prologue: First Contact

Earth Date: July 23rd, 2426
Six years after Handsome Jack’s downfall on Pandora.

~~Incoming Transmission~~
From: Alexis Varga
Origin: Eden Prime
RE: Discovery
Do you accept? Y/N

James let out a deep sigh. Alexis had contacted him over twenty times in the last week about some ‘discovery’. He rapped his fingers on the table as he took another sip of his lukewarm coffee. “Ugh, if I don’t answer the bitch will never get off my back.” Reluctantly, he hit the ‘Y’ button on his ECHO device. Almost instantly, a slightly irritated female voice flooded the small room James was in.

“I was beginning to think you were never going to answer, Jimmy.” Alexis said with a huff. “You’re not still sore about that whole ‘arm’ thing, are you?” James scoffed and his gaze absentmindedly shifted to his now cybernetic arm. Less than a week ago, it was still flesh and blood. But, thanks to a misfire from one of Alexis’s ‘experimental’ pistols, he had his arm blown off.

“Gee, why would I still be sore about something that happened less than a week ago on my BIRTHDAY!” James screamed as he slammed his fist into the table. Fortunately, it was his cybernetic fist, so he was uninjured. The same could not be said for the metal table however. A four inch depression where James hit the table was now extremely prevalent. He sighed with frustration and downed the last of his coffee.

“Oooh, okay. Still sore.” Alexis said awkwardly. “Well, at least you can digistruct that Deathtrap monstrosity that that child prodigy created a few years back, right?” James rubbed the dented table with his good hand and took a bite of the doughnut that had been ignored.

“No, I didn’t have that feature put in. I did, however, have the ‘end call with an annoying bitch’ program installed.” James retorted as he reached for his ECHO.

“Wait! Don’t hang up!” Alexis called out. James stopped his finger just above the ‘dismiss’ button.

“Gimme one good reason why.” James said skeptically. After a few seconds of papers rustling and the sound of a door shutting, Alexis responded.

“I’ll pay you. $100,000. I’ll send it to your account now.” After another few seconds pause, a beeping from James’s wrist drew his attention. A holodisplay projected itself from his arm with the message:

‘Funds Received: $100,000’
‘Do you accept? Y/N’

James pressed the ‘Y’ button with one of his fingers and turned his focus back to Alexis. “I guess being the C.E.O. of Maliwan has it’s benefits.” James said with a chuckle. “Now, what’s so important that you have to bribe me with a hundred grand?”

“I’m e-mailing it to you now.” Alexis said while the clicking of keys could be heard in the background. James let out a small laugh and finished off his doughnut.

“You still use a keyboard? How primitive.” James taunted. A high pitched female laugh could be heard from the ECHO.

“Says the man who is number two shareholder in Jakobs.” Alexis shot back. A pair of beeps from James’s computer split his focus. “There, it’s sent.” James slid his chair over to his computer and touched the ‘e-mail’ button. Sure enough, there was one unread e-mail from Alexis titled ‘Discovery’. He poked the e-mail with his false arm. After about half a second had passed, four pictures of a blue and green planet appeared on screen. He moved through the pictures and, once he had discerned that there was nothing special about this particular planet, move back over to his ECHO.

“That’s it? Some random ass planet? What’s so special about it?” James said in disbelief. “That’s what you blew a hundred grand for?”

“That’s not just any planet, Jimmy. That’s Omega-7.” Alexis replied calmly. James blinked in confusion, taking several seconds to piece together what he just heard.

“Wait, wait, wait. Isn’t Omega-7 a black hole?” James asked in uncertainty.

“That’s what I thought too, until my E-Tracker started picking up massive amounts of Eridium. So I sent a spy drone to check it out and found that.” Alexis replied. James rolled back over to his computer and pulled up a star chart. Sure enough, once he scrolled over to Omega-7, the little blip that meant ‘black hole’ was sitting precisely where Alexis had taken pictures of a planet. “I know, I checked the star chart after I saw the pictures, too.”

“So, what possible reason could a star have to orbit a planet? Magic?” James said sarcastically.

“I sent a probe to the planet’s surface to check it out. These are some of the pictures it took.” James’s e-mail beeped again and he thumbed the ‘open’ button. What he saw, deeply confused him. Multi-colored horses were living in some kind of old fashioned town. Some had on saddles that seemed more for decoration than function. There were even tiny horses in some places. Even more confusing, however, was that some of them had wings and horns. In the last picture, however, what something far more interesting. A cave, glowing purple with Eridium.

“Alright, cut the bullshit. Is this real?” James snapped into his ECHO.

“Trust me, they’re as real as you and me. I was taking a frigate there shortly and wanted to know if you would like to join me?” Alexis asked coolly. “But, if you’re busy, I can understand and I’ll just mine all that Eridium myself.”

“Oh ho ho. This, I gotta see.” James hit the power button on his computer, grabbed his ECHO, and walked out the door.

“The dropship will be at the starport in five minutes to pick you up.” Alexis said through the ECHO. “Don’t be late.” James hit the ‘end call’ button on his ECHO and slipped it into his pocket. He walked over to his personal Fast-Travel station and initialized it. A display of Eden Prime popped up, with little symbols where all the Fast-Travel stations on the planet were. He found the one with the starport and hit the button. Less than a second later, he was disassembled and re-digistructed at the starport. James took a moment to get his bearings and then headed to where the dropship was supposed to be. The starport was all but deserted, save for a few travelers and robots going to and fro. The maintenance robots were ever busy; be it sweeping, mopping, or picking up trash. After a brief walk, James found himself at the Maliwan C.E.O.’s personal gate. He held up his ECHO communicator to the gate so it could scan it. A bright light shone from the digistruct node in the wall, shining directly on his ECHO.

“Scanning… … … … Authorization confirmed. Welcome, James Jakobs.” The gate’s A.I. spoke in a monotone voice. The gate hissed open and James walked outside into the pouring rain. Sure enough, the dropship that Alexis sent was sitting on the pad, engines still slightly red from flight. A woman was standing under an umbrella tapping her foot impatiently. He rolled his eyes at the sight of her. She smirked at him and began to walk over to James.

“Doesn’t that thing rust?” Alexis said, gesturing to his cyber arm. He put his arm out into the rain, flexed his metal fingers, then returned it to his side.

“Doubt it, seeing as I accidentally spilled coffee on it the first day I got it.” James yelled over the crack of thunder.

“Shall we?” Alexis said, holding her arm out towards the dropship. The two of them hurriedly walked over to the safety of the dropship just as the flash of lightning lit up the sky. The interior of the dropship was a dull purple, with pulsing lights in the corners and edges. Alexis gestured for James to sit down on a seat and then walked to the cockpit. “Back to the frigate, Dexter. And step on it.” She said, taking a seat next to the pilot.

“Hold onto something, this weather isn’t the best.” Dexter said through the whining of the engines. The whine slowly turned into a roar and then into a soft rumbling as the dropship finally sealed itself. James felt the G-forces increase slightly as the dropship took off. The tops of buildings whizzed by as the dropship sped by them. The ship breached the clouds and into the clear sky above. Billions of stars shone down on the tiny ship. Several hundred, however, were obscured by a much larger ship. That was their destination. The frigate slowly grew in size as the dropship approached it. A chime from the cockpit drew the attention of the passengers.

“State identification,” a male voice declared from the speakers.

“Can the formalities, Marty, it’s just me.” Alexis said with a hint of scolding in her voice.

“Oh, uh. Sorry, ma’am. Hangar 8 is open for you, we’re ready to get underway as soon as you dock.” Marty said disconcertingly. The dropship changed course towards a large door with a number eight above it. The dropship came to a rest in the center of the massive hangar. Immediately after the pilot shut the engines off, a loud alarm sounded in the hangar and the hangar doors began to close. Once they had sealed, the alarm stopped and the hangar flooded with artificial atmosphere. A green light turned on in place of the red one that was just above the hangar doors. An artificial female voice boomed into the hangar.

“Atmosphere stable. It is now safe to exit your dropship.” The dropship door hissed open and the pilot got up from his chair.

“Thanks for the ride, Dexter.” Alexis said, winking at the pilot.

“Anytime, ma’am.” Dexter replied with a grin. James gave Alexis a sly look, but she just ignored it. The two of them continued towards the elevator that would take them to the bridge. Once they had entered the elevator, the doors shut, Alexis pressed a button near the top, and they were on their way.

“So… you and the pilot?” James said, nudging Alexis’s shoulder with an elbow. Alexis rolled her eyes, but that was all the answer that he needed. “Come on, you can tell me.” Alexis didn’t budge. James huffed and absentmindedly rubbed his mechanical wrist with his good hand. They spent the rest of the ride in silence until the elevator finally came to a stop and opened to reveal the bridge of the ship. Alexis walked out of the elevator and took a seat near the front of the ship. James stepped out onto the bridge and looked around the place. About half a dozen men and women were sitting in front of various screens that controlled the ships functions. There was a huge glass window at the front that let the pilot see where they were going. He noticed some words painted on the hull of the ship outside in space. ‘S.S. Grace and Beauty’ were stenciled onto the hull in bright purple paint.

“Okay, Marty. Full lightspeed towards Omega-7.” Alexis told the pilot of the frigate. The ship rumbled as the space itself around the ship distorted. The windows of the ship tinted as the light got too bright to see. James felt the pull of G-forces again as the frigate accelerated through space at the speed of light. The ship stabilized itself and the whole crew relaxed. Even Alexis had tensed up a little bit there.

“Alright, we should be arriving at Omega-7 in about ten minutes.” Marty told everyone on the ship through the ship’s intercom. Marty flipped the com switch off and turned to face Alexis and me. “So, why are we going to a black hole?”

“Well, you’ll find this out anyway when you get there, but Omega-7 isn’t a black hole.” Alexis said without looking up from her computer.

“Uh, come again?” Marty asked with a confused look on his face. James just chuckled at the sight.

“See for yourself,” Alexis pulled out a small PDA and handed it to Marty. Marty grabbed the PDA and began thumbing through it. His eyes widened with every picture he looked through. He took several minutes to go through the pictures multiple times and, once he was satisfied with what he was seeing, he burst out laughing.

“Are you shittin’ me? Little horses? That’s why we’re going to this place?” Marty was laughing loudly at this point, drawing the attention of the entire bridge.

“No, we’re going there because of this,” Alexis handed Marty a second PDA. Marty set the first one down and grabbed it, still giggling and slightly out of breath. He looked down at it and did what could essentially be described as putting his serious face on.

“Goddamn, I haven’t seen rid readings this high since Pandora.” Marty said whilst rubbing the back of his head with a hand. Alexis wordlessly took the two PDA’s back and turned back towards the front of the ship. Marty looked back at his display and then rolled his chair over to the intercom system again. He flipped the switch next to the microphone and grabbed the mic. “Thirty seconds until deceleration.”

James rapped his fingers on the hull impatiently, until the loud whirring of the engines, began to slow down. Space began to right itself, turning from a bright white, to a dark black speckled with tiny white dots almost instantaneously. A blue and green planet was in the dead center of the front display. It looked a little like the human homeworld, Earth. A rather large star could be seen just coming around the planet’s far side. The planet’s moon was just opposite of the star. “I’ll be damned,” James muttered under his breath.

“We’re here.” Alexis announced to the bridge. “Gentlemen, welcome to Omega-7.”

Comments

[BaconHazard]

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Favorited. Liked. ANYTHING. Just MORE!!!

[Bronybro 117]

This is good. I fav this.