Authors Note: This is the first fanfiction I have ever written so don't go too hard :P Critiques and comments are welcome!
The night prior...:
Canterlot Castle
The two massive wooden doors of the throne room slammed open as two royal guards dragged in an emaciated pony and uncermoniusly dumped him before Princess Celestia. He looked as if he hadn't slept nor bathed for several days. His clothing was a simple now rotting cloth barding that looked like it had some insignia with a sword, through part of it was faded or holed. A fly buzzed by his ear and the fly was promptly cut cleanly in two by one of the guards who showed no sign of being disgusted by the state or smell of the pony. The few remaining aristocrats watched this an began whispering to each other, many of them making comments such as,
" Oh my, that pony look like he hasn't taken a shower for days
" Hrmph..he's ruined my appetite for the night. That smell!
" His ribs are showing. Is that in now?"
"QUIET - summon my sister to my chambers. Take this pony too.", Celestia snarled at the aristocrats who promptly shut their mouths and looked fearfully at the Sun goddess. It was rare that she would raise her voice at anypony.
She waved her hooves at the patheic sight and began walking out of the room thinking to herself, "More work to do so late...and I have a message to send..."
Her train of thought was interrupted by a yawning turquoise pegasus who rubbed her eyes stumbling around. The pegasus realized who she had just interrupted and quickly apologized.
" Oh..sorry Celestia....got woken up by all the commotion coming from here. Wondered what was going on so I thought I'd come check it out. Maybe he'd want to know about it..."
Celestia rolled her eyes and said, " Oh you know the only reason you're here is because he doesn't feel like coming here himself, and talking and spending time with family. But about the commotion."
She pointed her left forehoof at the pony the guards were dragging. "That's what. We need to talk."
The pegasus's eyes widened and than darkly nodded. " Yes we do. This isn't good at all. Should I tell him?"
Celestia shook her head and replied, " No, tell him when you return tomorrow morning. He has enough on his hooves right now as it is. And here I thought I was going to catch up on my sleep!" The two walked silently to Celestia's chambers worried about what had just happened.
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Present Day
The Stronghold, "Bastille" Reiningrad
A lone pegasus flew into the main hall of the fort from the unforgiving storm raging outside. Two larger earth ponies snapped to attention, than relaxed as the pegaus waved her hooves. The pegsaus shook her coat and pushed aside a heavy door with ease into the dining hall where the last few stragglers were chatting in the dim candle light. The pegasus bumped into a very large stallion who snorted and spun his head around to repriand the much smaller pegasus when he saw who it was and immediately bowed down and moved away followed by anyone else left in the chamber. One of the younger recruits asked a senior who replied with
"The Consort."
Just those two simple words opened the young ponies eyes as he quickly bowed down too when the pegasus passed. As soon as the Consort left the dining hall, hushed conversations began anew, most of them about her flank and 'how nice it was.' Dripping wet, the Consort ignored the comments and muttered something about having the worst day ever.
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Canterlot, Lower Heizmann District
At the same time, nearly all the way on the other side of Equestria, a unicorn named Red Strife, or just Red, was soaking in the beautiful rays of Celestias's sun. It was another wonderful day in Canterlot, even through he had to deal with stuck up snobbs who looked down on ponies from other cities like him. Ever since he was a little colt, Red had dreamed of moving to Canterlot and having all the wealth and status it would bring him. But now, he realized how stupid his dream was. Getting that kind of money or wealth needed talent or a network of contacts, neither of which he had. Now he was employed in a dead end job as secretary to some big shot. Everyday of Red's life was spent kissing asses and degrading himself. However, at the very least, Red had a stable income and lived in a very nice stable. He smirked at the pun and walked outside, ready for another day of kissing asses. This would be yet another of the most mediocre days ever.
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Ponyville
And just a little while from Canterlot was Rarity in Ponyville. Every time she saw the flier she squealed. The first ever showing of the Brisbane Diamond and other rare jewels was going to be hosted here. In Ponyville. In her boutique.
" Of all possible things. This is the BEST. POSSIBLE. THING. EVER" she exclaimed mostly to herself.
Sweetie Belle had been sent off to her parent's house and Opalescence had been dropped off at Fluttershy's. Now all Rarity had to do was tidy up the place a little more and put up some decorations. This would be one of the best days ever.
MUST HAVE MORE!!!!
Princess Celestia.He looked
Spaces, darling.
" QUIET." Celestia snarled at the aristocrats who promptly shut their mouths and looked fearfully at the Sun goddess. It was rare that she would raise her voice at anypony.
" Summon my sister to my chambers. Take this pony too." She waved her hooves at the patheic sight , and began walking out of the room thinking to herself, " More work to do so late....and I have a message to send..."
Several things wrong with this passage. There ought to be a comma after QUIET, since you always put commas after quoted words when you're typing things like: "Do this," he pontificated, "and that."
That second dialogue bit should be backspaced together with the first dialogue bit, since it doesn't make any sense to separate them, and a comma should be put after 'anypony.'
You also put a space after sight, just remove that.
The last line of dialogue in that passage was just messy. I can it working, but it just makes the passage look ugly. Get rid of the triple dots. If I think I know what you're trying to say, you could use this: "And here I thought I was going to catch up on my sleep."
Or something along those lines.
One of the younger recruits asked a senior who it was which was simply answered with
First, passive voice is bad. The person was not 'answered with,' the other person 'replied.' Second, there should be a comma or semicolon after with (or if you fix the passive voice, a comma after 'replied').
" The Consort."
Just fix that space before 'Consort.'
'how nice it was'. .
Unless you're British, all punctuation goes inside quotation marks. You should also delete that extra period.
or just Red was soaking in the beautiful rays of Celestias's sun.
Comma after 'Red.'
However, at the very least Red had a stable income and lived in a very nice stable.
Punny as this sentence may be, it's messy to read. If you still want to keep the pun, I recommend changing it to: "At the very least, Red had a stable income."
Author: Find out what Celestia needed to talk about and the importance of the nearly dead pony next time!!![
I thought I was reading a little note you made to your self for a moment, and then I realized people were actually supposed to read that. It makes you sound like a 12 year-old girl. Delete it.
Those are just all the mistakes and sloppy sentences I found. Clean them up at your leisure.
As for the story, there wasn't much of one to review. You said this was a prologue, though, so people have to judge it on it's ability to set the scene, and draw the reader in.
The first passage did well in both regards. It didn't give me a "OMG MORE PL0X!" feeling, but it was okay.
The second passage was also okay, but I felt like you could have upped the danger a tad.
The third passage seemed senseless. Unless you plan on making Red a major character, I recommend dropping it.
The fourth passage was short and to the point, which is fine, but it didn't exactly get me excited about anything.
That's my review. Ignore it, or don't; those are just the mistakes I saw in the story.
100797
haha thanks.....I was doing this at 3AM because I had nothing else to do. Than I slept. It was good. I'll go fix those!