Along the dark yet surprisingly calm and tranquil forest of the Cloudsdale Mountains was a maroon 90's Ford minivan driving to a secret location, of which only the driver knew of. The driver in question was a teenage girl with ruby eyes and rainbow hair. The passenger of the vehicle was a pink haired girl with aqua eyes. She rocked slightly back and forth in her seat, anxious about where her friend was taking her. Soon the car stopped and the rainbow haired girl orders the pink haired girl out of the van, which was curios to her because it was in the middle of the forest, but she complied and got out the vehicle.
"Um, Rainbow Dash where are we going?" The pink haired girl asked with voice just above whisper.
Rainbow got up and went to the front of the car, so did Fluttershy. Rainbow proceeded to embrace Fluttershy and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and ran her hand through Fluttershy's long and incredibly soft pink hair, "Come on Flutters' don't you trust me?"
Fluttershy simply looked down to her feet and kicked a little dirt. "Yes I do," she mumbled. Rainbow had gotten so used to her soft-spokenness that she could hear Fluttershy's voice as loud as any normal person.
Rainbow Dash let out and inward sigh, but on the outside she let out a smile and lifted Fluttershy's chin up so the two met eye to eye. "Fluttershy you're so cute when you do that." She then proceeded with her finger to gently pull all the strands of her hair to the back of Fluttershy's ears,then patted Fluttershy on the shoulders and immediately turned around an slid her hand down Fluttershy's arm until it connected with her friend's hand and gripped tight. "Come on Flutters it will be great. And I know you will just love it."
As the duo began their walk through the forest the aqua eyed girl couldn't help but get nervous. The forest seemed to grow right before her eyes. The tree's got wider and taller the darkness seemed to surround her and consume all the light in existence.
Crack
"EEP!" Fluttershy had let out a squeal. She gripped her girlfriend's hand harder and harder. She ducked and covered her head as if something was about to attack, dragging the rainbow haired teen down with her.
"This is gonna be awesome once Futtershy see's this! She'll freak!
*Crack*
What the? Ahh!" she screamed as she was pulled down the ground and fell on her bottom.
"Ouch! What the heck Fluttershy!?" She then noticed her pink haired pal crouching with her hands covering her face, whimpering silently to herself.
Rainbow was both sad and concerned with the sight of her girlfriend cowering probably over nothing; sad because any time she saw Fluttershy sad, it always made her sad; concerned because unless she could find proof that it was nothing it would be a while to get her best friend out of her current position. So she began to crawl around the ground face in the dirt to find what had spooked Fluttershy. After a few seconds of combing the ground for few seconds she found what she was looking for; a small branch split in two. She smiled at her accomplishment.
The rainbow haired girl got up and went back to her pink haired girl. "Hey, Fluttershy. Come on pal don't cry." She said. Dash pulled Fluttershys' hands off of her face to to reveal a tear struck face from the bottom of her eyes to the tip of her chin. The sight made Rainbow Dash cringe a little, but why? Was it because she had known her for so long? Was so used to a smile on her face? She always hated to see a own on Fluttershy's face? Or was it because she loved her best friend so much she could actually feel what, Fluttershy's happiness, her ups, her downs, and like now her pain and her sorrow?
"Come on, Fluttershy, look it was just a branch," Rainbow then proceeded to split the branch in two. "See just a branch? Nothing t be afra-." she did not finish her sentence when she was tackle by the girl she was in love with and was immediately embraced in the biggest of all hugs. Rainbow was hesitant but returned the hug.
"I'm so sorry, Rainbow Dash. I'm not as brave, as fast, or as strong as you are," hot tears running down Fluttershy's face as she struggled to speak between sobs. "Could you ever forgive me?"
As soon as Fluttershy uttered her final sentence. Something was boiling inside Rainbow Dash to speak up. So she moved her arms towards Fluttershys' shoulders and pushed Fluttershy back gently so that both their eyes met. "Look, Fluttershy, you may not be as a fast as me but, that doesn't matter to me I like- NO! I love you the way you are and I wouldn't change it for the world! As for not being brave, you're fooling yourself into believing that! You're brave! Remember back in Summer camp when those dumb immature boys were picking on us and then one of then tried to fight me? You stood up for me and told them off and when they wouldn't buzz off you gave them the 'Stare'." This caused Rainbow to chuckle a little bit, it also caused Fluttershy to giggle.
Rainbow then got up dusted herself off then extended a hand which Fluttershy gratefully accepted. Now standing up face to face, ruby eyes to aqua eyes, Rainbow took a breather and said her final thoughts. "Fluttershy you are stronger than any one I know. Remember back in middle school when everyone thought we we gay they called us freaks, quears, dykes, and that we should just go lay and die? I know you remember all the harassment. You took it and never reacted, never gave up, and never brought yourself down to their level." Tears began to flow down the Rainbow haired girl's eyes and down her cheeks. "And what did I do?" I yelled back at them, fought back, got beat up by to or more girls and at the end of the day and cried myself to sleep, only to wake up and start the process all over again. Until I finally had enough and tried to end it all. If it wasn't for you, Fluttershy, I wouldn't be here. I would be dead, D. E. A. D. DEAD!" Rainbow began to uncontrollably cry, covering her face, not wanting Fluttershy to see her like this.
"Rainbow." Fluttershy whispered more to herself that to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow had calmed down enough so she used her rainbow gloved hands to wipe out all the tears running down her face. "Sorry about that Fluttershy, it's just you know I don't like to get emotional, but when I do, I get emotional." She tried laugh it off but could not seem to. "Come on Fluttershy I still have something to show you."
"Okay." Fluttershy said in her normal whisper like voice. Rainbow Dash then put her arm around Fluttershy's shoulders while Fluttershy put arm around Rainbow's waist. Fluttershy rested her head on rainbow's collar bone. Rainbow tightened her embrace on Fluttershy and proceeded to walk towards their destination.
Soon they got to their destination, what a sight it was. It was amazing. It was a never ending calm lake. Trees at the edges of the lake. Calm, cool, blue waters. It was an eye full.
"Wow..." was all Fluttershy could say at this magnificent sight.
"Yeah that's what I said when I first saw it. I knew you would just love it." Fluttershy broke he trance to see her friend getting undressed.
"Rainbow! What are you doing!?" she said in screaming in confusion.
"What?" Rainbow said back in a confuse daze "Fluttershy, I'm just going for a swim." By now Rainbow was in nothing but her bra and bikini.
"In the forest? In the cold water? In the dark? What if a masked murder comes and tries to kill us?" Fluttershy babbled on about why it was bad for Rainbow to do what she was doing.
"Chill Fluttershy nothings gonna happen, okay?" Rainbow said trying to comfort Fluttershy. She knew Fluttershy would react this way but would try to convince her to join her in a little swim.
Fluttershy now in a trance and could not ignore how sexy Rainbow Dash looked, it would be an insult if she did. She had an hour glass shaped body, something every woman desires. The perfect model curves that beautiful midsection; no fat or stretch marks to speak of. Slender yet muscular arms and those legs; very long, slender and extremely muscular. All that running has really paid off.
"Like what you see?" Rainbow Dash teased Fluttershy, which caused her girlfriend to blush. Rainbow walked to Fluttershy and grabbed her girlfriends hands and placed them on her mid-section and noticed that they were shaking. "Calm down, Fluttershy. Or am I so sexy that it causes you to tremble in awe?" She giggled a bit. She noticed that Fluttershy was starring at her body.
"Come on Fluttershy let's go swimming!" She stated in pure excitement. She ran towards the lake and jumped straight in. She immediately rose up above the water. "OMG it's so cold!"
Fluttershy could not help but laugh a little. Rainbow Dash saw this and an idea popped into her head. She set her plan into action. "Hey Fluttershy that's not funny this is." She then created a huge wave with her arms and threw the water at Fluttershy, making sure it hits her legs just below her skirt, wetting he thighs, shins,and shoes.
"EEP!" Fluttershy put on her best angry face, but could not help herself and began to laugh, "I am going to get you, Rainbow Dash."
She began undressing. After she was undressed she jumped into the water. "EEP! The water is cold, Rainbow!" Even though the water was freezing she could not help but stay in the water and swim around. She and Rainbow swam and swam for only 30 minutes but it felt like forever. Soon Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were in right next to each other.
"Rainbow, I love you."
"I love you to, Fluttershy."
As they were about to lock lips a bright light illuminated the water around them. The lights suddenly disappeared.They both saw a black car an what appeared to be two girls getting out of the car. Both of them were blond, no older than Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash. The one on the left immediately got out and took off all of her clothes. The one on the right took off all her clothes as well and jumped in as well and both were swimming around the lake.
"Rainbow, is it wrong of us to be spying on them?" She whispered, not wanting to attract attention to her or Rainbow Dash.
"Nah, besides we were here first. So it doesn't count." She whispered back. Just then, the two mysterious females swam closer to them. Fluttershy stared at them then with a sudden turn of the heads to stare back at each other a look of confirmation of who they were looking at. 'Cloud kicker and Ditzy Doo?' they both thought in unison.
Soon the two teens were swimming closer and closer to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash which unluckily for Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy had been scared stiff, the bad news; Ditzy and Cloud were getting way to close for comfort, but luckily for the Rainbow haired girl they slowly backed away, but were still to close for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to make a sneaky get away.
"Hey Cloud Kicker why do you let yourself have the reputation of being a well..." Ditzy now scratching the back of her head as she tried to find the right way to say what she wanted to say.
Cloud Kicker face palmed and let out an audible sigh. "Why I let everyone call me a drunk, blonde bimbo, slut who lets everyone and everything ride into town with her? Is that what you are trying to get at right?"
Ditzy lowered her eyes then closed them and simply nodded yes.
"Well to tell you the truth I do not want to be-" she paused finding it hard to explain something so simple."Let's see let's see." She began to tap the side of her head with her finger. "Do you remember back in middle school when they would make fun of Rainbow and Fluttershy because they thought they were lesbians and they bullied them relentlessly, even though they were not gay?"
Ditzy nodded again yes.
She stopped to both catch her breath and to keep her emotions in check. "Well I honestly do not think I could be as strong as them, and to be honest, if I were taking that I think I would have a barrel in my mouth after a day."
Ditzy was stunned she just stopped swimming all together and as soon as her agape mouth was full of water. She swam up spit out the water. She swam so her head was fully out the water.
"So now you know. Yep I guess the slutty reputation is my defense mechanism." Cloud Kicker said, this time no emotion in her voice. Cloud Kicker shook her head, getting out of her emotionless state. "Come on let's go swim."
"Okay..." Ditzy said clearly lost in thought, but swam with Cloud Kicker to another destination.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy saw their opportunity. They took it. They swam under water until they reached the shore, quickly grabbed all their things. Then they ran back to the minivan and drove off back to the academy, quickly sped up to their dorm, and slammed the door shut. Panting and breathing as they both stared at each other.
"Hey, Fluttershy, you're wet." Rainbow said bent over to catch her breath.
Fluttershy who is standing also catching her breath. "You too. Want to take a Shower?"
"Yeah, okay." Soon both girls went to take a nice hot and relaxing shower. After Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had soaked in the tub for a while, they got out. Soon they both were refreshed and recharged. Fluttershy put on her yellow pj's while Rainbow Dash put on her Cyan Pj's.
The two teens now were looking a their dorm, they looked at the left and they saw a bed with yellow covers big enough to fit one person. They looked to to the right and saw another bed with cyan covers. Then they looked at the middle of the dorm and saw a couch. The two looked at each other and got to each side of the couch and pulled the inside of the cushions and slowly pulled it out and revealed a bed inside the couch with a rainbow blanket. They both hopped on the bed got underneath the blanket and embraced each other with hugs and kiss.
"Good night snugly-wugly." Rainbow Dash said not wanting to laugh.
"Good night nibbly-wibbly." Fluttershy said. Soon they both laughed themselves to sleep and went into dream land, only dreaming of each other.
Edited by: Wolfmaster1337
Damn you Fimfiction! I was all set to log off for the night and you had to present something like this?
Okay, this isn't going to be long because I don't have the time and there's also another story I want to get to so here we go.
The good:
From what I've seen, the structure is good. You've got paragraphs. One person speaking per paragraph. Indents and spacing. Very nice.
Unfortunately that's where it ends.
There are grammar and spelling errors galore as well as sentences that simply don't make sense. I'm going to assume that you're not a native English speaker based on your wording and your screen name? If so, I'll point a few things out for you. If not, you really need to go back to school.
Spacing is off. Whenever you have a period, comma or any other punctuation mark you need to have a space after it. No exceptions to this.
Proper names require a capital letter. Cloudsdale Mountains. Flutters. Etc.
You really should also use a spellcheck because as I said there are lots of spelling errors which coupled with your strange diction makes for a difficult read.
When indicating a possessive, you need to use an apostrophe s. This means that Fluttershys becomes Fluttershy's. Again, no exception to this.
If a person is speaking more than one sentence, you only add quotation marks if you need to say something to the reader that the person is not saying.
This should read:
Removed the extra quotes, the second Fluttershy and fixed some spelling.
As for the story itself. It's not bad but it's rough and would benefit from a proofreader and editor.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwghpHrRj1qf5ggm.gif
I cant
Hello! I noticed you have a few spelling and grammar errors in your fic, so I hope you don't mind if I correct some of them.
Your synopsis:
'Treck' techincally isn't a word. 'Trek', however, is the appropriate verb.
I could complain that girl should be girls' , but that's not too important.
'ironic don't you think' is slid into the last part without any connector, and it doesn't really add anything to the synopsis. I suggest either making it a separate phrase, or cutting it entirely.
I'll only edit the first paragraph. If you want any more, either wait for someone else to review (like Evil Homer), or you can reply to this asking me to review more. Else, enjoy this criticism. I'll highlight the errors in red, wierdness in blue, then I'll explain below.
1. Should be spelled 'surprisingly'.
2. Should be spelled 'tranquil'.
3. Proper nouns should be capitalized.
4. The right word is 'knew' or 'knows'.
5. This is just awkward. I suggest separating the two thoughts. You have a car with a driver who is the only one in the vehicle who knows the location, and you have a description of the driver. Split the sentence into those two ideas.
6. What do you mean by 'moderate'? Cerise is a pretty specific color, you shouldn't need 'moderate' as a modifier.
7. One does not have a 'set' of rainbow hair, unless they had a bunch of wigs or something like that. A 'head' of rainbow hair would work, or you could change up the sentence to make it flow better.
8. Should be spelled 'vehicle'.
9. Should be spelled 'pink'.
10. Same thing as point 6. Why do you need 'moderate'?
11. Should be spelled 'anxious'.
12. This is also wierd. Based on the surrounding context, this doesn't make any sense. Try ending the sentence at 'girl got out of the van.' Then say 'this was' to make the phrase flow better.
13. Should be spelled 'curious'.
14. Should be spelled 'forest'. Forrest is the name of a movie character: Forrest Gump.
15. Should still be spelled 'vehicle'. At least you're consistent.
Edit. Should be spelled 'passenger'
Anyway, good luck! And try to either fix the errors yourself, or find someone to help.
Ave,
Axôlú
this is a very sweet story
TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out where all the downvotes are coming from!
..... and that's just the spelling. And I'm pretty sure I missed some things. If I did grammar too, I'd be here 'till next Sunday.
From a storytelling perspective, I thought you lacked focus. Are we looking at Dash and Flutter's relationship in general? Their feelings of the moment? Their struggles against homophobia? All three of those were there, but I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to be paying attention to.
Which brings me to my next point, detail. You have some basic details, but again, they don't lead up to any one focus. If you want to focus on Dash and Flutter's emotions, describe their emotions. If you want to focus on the bullying, describe the bullying and how it affected them. This will give your piece a better focus, which in turn will make the end feel more complete and leave a greater impact on your readers.
I won't talk much about the plot, but there was one thing I wanted to point out:
Are they showering or taking a bath? If the former, why did they soak in a tub? If the latter, why did you say they took a shower?
Anyways, that's all from me. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
1490056 you can't what?
1490109>>1490357 thank you both for showing me my errors but besides the grammatical errors what did you think of my story?
1490247 And thank you for your sweet comment.
1490423 Hmm. In terms of characterization, theme, and plot, I have a few issues.
I've never been one for humanized ponies, but I won't let that cloud my opinion. I think the idea is relatively original, in that you have a homophobic all-girls school, but the whole lesbian thing has been overplayed. I think you may be able to bring something new, so I say keep with it anyway.
The plot... I haven't seen nearly enough to form an opinion. It's an interesting start, but I still haven't seen much.
The characterization... I saw alot of OOC :/
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had lines and actions that seemed 'off'. Humanized ponies don't work if you don't stick to their personalities. I suggest watching the Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy sections of these videos to understand better how they act and react to one another.
Also, I suggest either asking the writers and editors of 'The Life and Times of a Winning Pony' for help with Cloud Kicker's personality, or using another character that doesn't have a set personality in the fandom. Cloud Kicker has a very strongly set personality, thanks to Chengar Qordath.
Other than that, I'll look for more updates.
1490423 I'm not one for romance or humanization, which is why I avoided commenting on the plot itself. I agree with 1490468 in that I thought their homosexuality was overplayed, but honestly, I don't feel qualified to give you specific suggestions for romance.
1490468>>1490625 how is homosexuality overplayed?
1490633 It's overplayed in that alot of fics have already covered that issue. I can't give you examples off the top of my mane, but they do exist in large quantities.
1490468 thanks for the advice and yes i know his story has led to a some what 'canon' personality of cloud kicker but i've read other fics which views her as merely a fun loving happy go lucky character and i'm sticking with that personality, but still i've put that she is viewed by others as a one night stand with anyone in reference to The Life and Times of a Winning Pony
1490638 oh well no worries i shall persevere
1490633 I suppose I should have said 'sexuality' rather than 'homosexualtiy.' My mistake.
What I mean by that is I thought the physical nature of their relationship was too dominant at first. For example:
Why? What was her motivation for doing that? And then she keeps touching her for some reason. Dash is taking Flutters to a secret place in the forest. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to cuddle, hug, etc. once they get there? Holding hands as they walk or an awkward sideways hug is one thing, but right now, it seems like you're just focusing on the physical aspects of their relationship to the exclusion of others. There are other ways of establishing their relationship without resorting to physical contact. I'm not saying the physical aspect shouldn't be there, because it is an important part of any relationship. I just think you put too much emphasis on it at the beginning.
Dash's physical description seems a little odd as well, almost as if Flutters has never taken the time to check her out before. I think a little more creative description ("Moonlight reflected off her hourglass figure and firm stomach" or something) will help it seem like Fluttershy is admiring her beauty of the moment instead of noticing it for the first time.
While I'm here, this:
"Orders" is definitely the wrong word here. It's too strong. Also, I'm a little confused as to why Fluttershy knows so little about their destination. Those two factors made this scene seem more menacing than you probably want it to be. Maybe writing out their conversation would help, something like this:
And so on and so forth.
Wow, that went on longer than I thought it would. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
Overall, this story has potential, but... sweet Celestia that spelling and grammar.
1490423 another story ruined by spelling and grammar errors
PM for proof reading.
i shall read this soon after you're done fixing your problems. hey just saying.
1491110>>1491792>>1491972 no need to fear my friends wolf you shall be my editor
1491972
1491110
1490789
1490468
1489971
I GOT THIS!
IT HAS BEEN EDITED!
Happy?!
1493458
No, I'm not.
All I see is the spacing has changed. There are still spelling errors and the flow is still kinda wonky.
The problem with the spelling, as I see it, is that the word is spelled incorrectly but it's actually spelled correctly for another word. For example right off the bat you've got this:
The word there should be "curious". What you have there is "curios" which means "strange or interesting objects". So using a spellcheck will not flag this as being incorrect. An editor should have caught that error. There's also the issue with the structure of the sentence itself.
Using "rainbow haired girl" and "pink haired girl" is just weird. We already know who's driving so why not say "driver" and "passenger"? It's a lot more common not to mention you don't need to keep saying "whatever haired girl". Then using the term "orders" makes it sound like a command. The rest of it could be cleaned up a little more to make it more friendly to the reader. Just as an example:
When they finally stopped, the driver said with a smile, "we're here, " and promptly got out of the van. Her passenger looked a little unsure of this as they were in the middle of the forest, but she followed her friend and exited the vehicle as well.
It's got a much better flow and the sentence has been broken up as it was too long. I haven't bothered to read any further because of this. If there's one spelling mistake like that right off the bat then there's probably going to be others as well. Besides, if you're going to edit the story you should take care of things like this as well. That's the job of an editor.
But then that's just my opinion on the matter because you asked.
1493538 well thank you, but I have to log in as the owner to fix things.
I also have to publish/unpublish to save it, as the save button is broken for me.
Y U HATE MY COMPUTER?!
1493547
Well that sucks.
Here's an idea. Copy it to notepad, or some easy kind of text editor, send it to the author and then he can publish it for you. Whenever I write I never write using Fimfiction, always in notepad then it's a simple matter of copypasta.
In any case good luck with that.
1493617 I use google docs (I always make a copy on notepad or similar of down times)
I have told him to make a thing on google docs.
1493624
That'll work too although I've never actually leveraged Google docs so I can't really comment on it.
In any case if you're unable to save it in Fimfiction, have the author do it. Also, hassles like this is why I never volunteer to edit for anybody.
1490789 got it
1493458 thanks can i count on you for future chapters?
1494591 Yes, but put the document on google docs.
I'd rather not log in as you anymore
1494703 will do pinkie promise also i sent you a link to a picture af wolf fluttershy and rainbow dash did you make it into a fic?
1494732 not yet, I'm write 2-3 other fics at the moment -.-'
and editing another fic (on that's very popular ^_^)
1494760 interesting go on
1489956>>1490056 It has been edited will you please give it another chance?
1496187 you have no idea how much that means to me i mean have you seen all the negitive votes hopefully more will follow
1496146
Edited?
...
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ADVANCE, FOR TODAY, WE READ
~EDIT~
A few spelling errors, but not much to fret about, all I can say is, a LOT better
1497198 thanks
Well....
I'm not exactly sure what I think
1498825 are you a flutterdash fan?
1498835
Nnope
1498837 Well either way i must know did you like it or should i change some things or do you have any suggestions for the next chapter?
Well, plot wise I think you're doing a wonderful job, I just don't like the romance part, but that's just my preference; and me not being part of your target audience
1498849 well I do want to do soem romance chapters but i also am doing some chapters that have the couple not act like one if you get what i mean so people might go "Oh i forgot they were dating."
yeah, so
I'll give you a like, you deserve it
1498885 Thanks really appreciate it especially with all those dislikes hopefully you stick around for chapter two
1501414yes you are just wait for chapter 2
1503484 how is it off and for which characters and how can i improve for the future?