Walking up to the human, Applejack was the first to speak. “Oh my, ah think I’m gonna be sick...” said AppleJack as she stared at the “human” body that lay limp on the ground. He was lying face down in the substance that he threw up, covering a lot of his face and chest. The substance did not have a smell, but there was something else that seemed to be...burning? It clicked in Twilight’s head, what he said before collapsing.
“AppleJack, Rarity, Fluttershy! Quickly get him on your backs and rush him to the hospital!” Twilight shouted in a very concerned tone.
“Twi, are ya crazy? He just hurt Rainbow and ya expect me to help him like this?” AppleJack did not like the idea of helping somepony or something that just attacked her best friend.
“AppleJack, before he collapsed he was yelling in pain that whatever is on the ground was burning him! Do you not smell that? It’s his flesh!” Twilight pointing at his face you could see the skin very slowly cracking and splitting like it was melting away. “Take him there quick and don’t stop! I have to stay and take a sample of whatever this black stuff is.”
“Rarity use your magic to levitate him on mah’ back, and I will high tail it on outa here. Fluttershy, I need you tah’ fly as fast as ya can to PonyVille Hospital. Tell them it’s an emergency!” Rarity’s horn glowed a strange aura around it, which then surrounded Xander. “Be gentle now rarity, he look awful heavy.” Slowly lowering him on to AppleJacks back, all four of her legs about gave out. “Good gravy hes heavy! Rarity, run behind me to the hospital I need you tah spot him and I.”
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Twilight waited till all three of her friends were gone, but she was still wondering where Pinkie Pie had gone. After the human had hit Rainbow, Pinkie galloped as fast as she could out of there. I figured she got scared and ran to hide, I mean she did it to Zecora after all. But as scared as that pony may be something about her tends to frighten me.
Walking over to the scattered patch of black vomit, Twilight took a close look and very careful measures not to step in it. The grass it covered had turned brown and very light razor thin streams of what appeared to be steam came from the burned grass. Using her magic to levitate a small glass tube and dropper out of her side pack, she took a small sample of it and put it in the tube.
*crick* *crack* Before she could even get a chance to put the tube back in her satchel, the glass tube and dropper both cracked. Twilight stared at both pieces of equipment with intense interest, making sure to observe every little thing that happened. Both objects she levitated were falling out of the magic aura that help them up. The glass was melting away causing Twilight to drop them and take a few steps back.
“What the...?” she whispered to herself. “This stuff must be highly acidic, or it could be some sort of magic.” Twilight took out her notepad and began to write her studies down, “This should make a very nice report for Princess Celestia.”
“TWIILIGHT!” Pinkies voice came screeching through the field behind her.
“Pinkie? What are you doing?” Twilight asked the exhausted mare who had halted to catch her breath. Quickly regaining, Pinkie Pie circled around Twilight and shoved her away from the patch of thick liquid. “Twilight listen to me, you have to stay clear of that thing do you understand? Just before it hit Rainbow I got the most profound Twitch and sense.” She had never seen Pinkie so serious in her life. “Somethings is wrong with thing, something is unnatural and I think it needs help!” Not sure whether or not to take Pinkie’s warning seriously she simply nodded.
“Alright I will try to take distance and caution before approaching him. Pinkie..Why did you run off if you knew that was going to happen and have you seen Rainbow? None of us stopped to make sure she was ok when we went after, Xander I think his name was.” Twilight didn’t really know what to feel at the moment, there were so many things to be worried about.
“I had to run off and tell the other ponies in PonyVille, I’m scared Twilight and this isn’t just me overreacting. As for Rainbow Dash, I saw her flying with Fluttershy. AppleJack and them must have picked her up to help out, she didn’t look too happy though.” Pinkie was surprisingly calm when she spoke, “Twilight, pinkie promise me that you won’t do anything you will regret around him. Please.” She was almost in tears and that’s the moment I knew she was right about everything she had told me. Something was certainly wrong with guy. “I pinkie promise.”
She had been told that his world turned to darkness, that he saw a dark figure in front of him. He seemed to be dizzy and confused the entire time he was awake. “Pinkie Pie, we need to head back to the PonyVille hospital and see how everypony is.”
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Bursting through the hospital came AppleJack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Looking around for a nurse or doctor hectically she ran to the help desk asking for a doctor immediately. “Nurse! Do you have ah doctor around? Ah need one right now!” AppleJack demanded, “It’s an emergency!”
Two doctors came out through the doors in front of them, one was running with an emergency bed. “What’s the problem? Is somepony hurt?” the doctor asked in a very serious voice.
“Yes, this ‘human’ is in bad shape he needs your help now!” Both doctors were now just standing there with a look of shock on their faces not sure of what they were looking at.
“What is that thing!?” asked the doctor, “Ah don’t know but he needs your help and fast.” AppleJack said.
“Quickly lay it on the bed right here and we will take him in the back.” AppleJack came up and slid him onto the bed. Before she could retrieve her hoof, Xander’s hand grabbed it and started to squeeze. His eye lids shooting open, he turned and looked over at AppleJack. His eyes..they were completely black, no color remained in them as they once were.
“Ahh! Get him off me! Get him the buck off me!” Quickly throwing his arm across his waist not letting go of his grip, Xander slung AppleJack into the wall causing her to hit the ground with a loud thud.
*Ahhhrrrrrughhhhh!* The human had made a loud blood curdling scream, making all the ponies cover their ears. The figure that stood before them looked nothing like he did when he came here, there were black pulsing veins shooting through his arms, neck and forehead. Looking at all the ponies around him, his face gave a very sinister looking grin. His teeth looked like they had rotted and black and red liquid seeped through in between his teeth dripping down his face. Extending both arms straight outwards he looked up at the ceiling. Opening his mouth a stream of the dark liquid he threw up earlier was now coming straight out of him.
Hovering towards the ceiling and coating it, the liquid spread across and the lights in the room started to flicker. “AppleJack!” the ponies screamed and saw that her head was bleeding bad. Rainbow Dash took a leap and flew to aid AppleJack, but before she could reach something had struck her again, only this time it was longer and hit her in the chest. Rarity and Fluttershy stood there fearing for each other's lives, the doors to every room slammed shut. In front of them was not just a creature.
Approaching the two girls was a monster. It had extremely long arms that ended with sharp claws, black eyes, razor sharp teeth that were so big it couldn't close it’s mouth and it's eyes. It's eyes were pitch black and had red and black tears dripping from it's face.
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Approaching PonyVille were Pinkie Pie and Twilight, but when they got into town both of their hearts sank. Running hysterically around the town were ponies crying and screaming, fire was set ablaze to Sugar Cube Corners finest bakery.
“Pinkie to the hospital quick!” shouted Twilight. Please Celestia let them be safe, please let them be safe. They reached the hospital entrance, but only this time the doors were hanging off and deep claw and blood spatters on them. Zipping through the doors Twilight's eyes came to tears. There lying before her, were her four friends, lying limp and lifeless on the floor. Pinkies face was streaming with tears, she couldn't move because of the shock she was in. AppleJack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity...her friends, all battered and beaten. Twilight feared the worse to come and that was that her friends were...gone.
Dafuq? When did Xander turn into a fucking Necromorph!?
well shit this went really bad really fast!!!
1452724 i dont know but a shit storm is close i can feel it
Where did i put my plasma cutter.....ahh screw it 'grabs pulse rifle'
1453296 okay dude that wont work here take this. * tosses a mini gun that shoots mini nukes or the shit-destoyer-2500* anyone else want one?
1453731
Lol, are you all liking it?
1453738
me gusta...does that answer your question...?
1453821
Thank you all!
1453738 you want ones? I got like 10 left oh and ill be gaurding the base with 8 positioned around it they are automatic and huge and never run out of ammo and never need to cool down! Also I'm in a giant robotic suit that has 4 on its shoulders 2 off the chest 2 in each hand and 8 rocket pods with automatic aiming systems that are attached to my arms also i got 2 left so if you want one of these you can and also did i forget to mention they have titanium alloy a armour that's 13.4 inches thick?
I don't know why but I immediately thought Venom from Spider-Man.
I really want to see what happens next
1453829 AppleJack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity dead? hmm I doubt it I think your got something else hidden up your sleeves Sir and I will find out even if I have to steal your shirt to do so.
Here, let me tell you something:
I like how you took the normally rarely seen case of having the human antagonize the ponies. I'm cool with that. Having him kill the mane 6 is a dangerous plot twist with a lot of potential for backfiring horribly, but points for originality.
Now for the flaws:
1. Walls of text.
Really, you should re-learn how to make paragraphs, because what you've been taught is worth crap. You don't separate perspectives, dialogue lines, or meaningful events properly.
2. POV issues.
In this part specifically, you wrote a third-person part with Twilight Sparkle. If it's third person, why the hell are you using first person pronouns like "I" and "me" outside of spoken lines?
My suggestion? Find a proofreader, fast.
1459556
Thanks for the comment and I know. But that's how write, for some reason I like to write in multiple perspectives. It's probably because my mind is racing through and thinking about each character. Would you like to proofread my next chapter I'm working on? I planned to post it by 9 but if you are willing to spare some time I'd love for you to fix some grammar errors and stuff like that. But I don't want the fixes to alternate my story.
1459586 Sorry, kid, can't do. I'm swamped with other fics I edit already, plus my own ones.
The guys in this group can help you, though.
1459635
>kid
Lol, I'm not a kid. But thanks though, I'm going to try and find one. Hey think you can stick around to check out my other chapters?
1459666 It's an endearing term.
But yeah, I'll stick around, don't worry about that
1459556 <- what he said.
Switching perspectives is not a bad thing... but it is when you get 3 dif perspectives in ONE PARAGRAPH. Seriously, I'm liking this story, but it seems your writing has gotten progressively worse through the chapters. I'm stopping on chapter 3 in the hopes that you'll go through and fix all this, so I can read chapter 4 without wanting to punch a baby.
Let me add to Jack's notes.
1. Never, EVER put more than 1 character's dialogs in a single paragraph. Readers get confused fast when they can't tell who said what.
2. Tense. You've shifted between past and present tense a couple times. Please pick one. It looks like you're using past more. If you must write thoughts in present tense, do it like this:
'I'm thinking of a number,' I thought to myself.
3. POV - switching perspectives is doable, although I'd advise against it. It's simple really, pick one perspective and stick with it for the duration of the section of the story. You already have sections separated with ----- so all you have to do is write each section in one perspective. However, if you are going to do perspectives, you should stick with only character perspectives, and NOT use a 3rd person narrator, AT ALL.
My suggestion? Follow my, and Jack's, advice and better your writing. The fact that you have an interesting premise is your only saving grace with this fic, otherwise that litte red bar at the top would be a LOT bigger.