Good Intentions

by chillbook1

Crisis of Faith

By the time I finally tracked Applejack down, it had started raining.

I never liked the rain. So drab and dreary, not to mention the damage it could do to my hair. These days, I don't have the energy to concern myself with such things as how my hair looks. Considering the circumstances, it just feels… wrong, to dwell on something ultimately so insignificant. Were the situation less dire, I'm certain Applejack would have applauded me for my shift in perspective. Unfortunately, things don't get much more dire than they are now.

I hurry across, trying to get into the church before getting too wet. I reach for the door and, to my surprise, it's unlocked. There was no service underway, and I thought for sure I would need to knock for someone to let me in. Not the case. I pull the door open and step inside, the wet squelch of my footsteps surely alerting anyone who happened to be in the church at the time. Still, no one stops me, so I soldier on.

Once I make it past the lobby and into the nave, I can see her past the row of pews, kneeling at the altar before a large crucifix nailed to the wall. Her hat is on the floor, and she keeps her hands folded in front of her. I always knew Applejack to be deeply religious, but I've never actually seen her in church before. She doesn't look up as I enter, probably so deep in thought and prayer that she hasn't even noticed that I'm here. I leave her be for a bit, slowly and quietly approaching so as to not disturb her. I can't quite make out her muttered prayer, but I catch one word in particular. Forgiveness. I wait until she's done before I make my presence known.

"Applebloom told me you'd be here," I say. She looks up, and after a short second of confusion, she smiles slightly. "Mind if I join you?"

"Ain't my place to tell you no," she says. I nod my understanding and slowly lower myself to the floor beside her. "What brings you here? You never was one for church."

"No, I'm not. Well, not anymore. I did Catholic school before we moved to Canterlot City," I say. Applejack nods in understanding, then lets a tense silence descend onto us. "Respectfully, though, I'm not here for church. I'm here for you."

"Yeah. Figured as much. I haven't exactly been there for you. Or anyone," Applejack says. "Sorry about that."

"You have nothing to apologize for. After what happened, no one can blame you for needing some time to yourself."

"I s'pose. Still, don't feel right to leave you all on your lonesome."

"I'm not alone. I'm here, aren't I?" I scooch a bit closer to her. "So… Did service go over time or something?" Applejack looks at me, confused. "I just mean, you've been here for some time. There's plenty of other quiet places in town. Just curious as to why you came here, specifically."

She doesn't respond straight away, and I start to worry that I stepped over a line by asking. Worse than the silence, she turns away slightly. Then, as I watch her more closely, it dawns on me that Applejack isn't angry. She's embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. I can tell from the way she shrinks down, almost folding in on herself. The way she trembles slightly as I reach for her. The way her eyes are glued to the floor, never once meeting my own. To see someone as strong and steadfast as Applejack reduced to this… the only word for it is heartbreaking.

"Darling, please… You know you can talk to me, don't you?" I slink a little closer, and gently place a hand on her thigh. My presence stills her for a moment. Not a complete resolution to her turmoil, but I like to believe I'm helping in some small way. "I know you've always been the backbone of the group, but you don't have to be so strong all the time. It's okay to let yourself go a bit."

"It ain't that easy, Rares. It's not like some test I’m stressin' over," she says. "This is real. Some little boy is dead 'cause of us. He wasn't no older than Sweetie or Bloom, and I watched his Mama cry over his grave."

I feel a pang at that. I can't imagine how Mr. And Mrs. Blossom must be feeling right now. Sounds like every parent's worst nightmare, to have to bury their child. Just thinking about it sends flashes in my mind, images of Sweetie Belle in a tiny little coffin. I'd go mad, I just know it. It was that image, the thought of Sweetie getting hurt, that convinced me that we needed to take such drastic action in the first place, tragic though the result. Even still, I couldn't imagine being in the same room as the one responsible for her death, never mind inviting them to her funeral.

"So you went, then?" I ask. "To Ginseng's funeral?" Slowly, Applejack shook her head.

"Not really. Sorta just… watched. From afar. I 'member how Granny looked when Pa was buried," she says, her normally strong, even voice a quivering, uncertain mess. "I couldn't bring myself to look Mrs. Blossom in the eye, knowing I'm responsible for the worst pain she's ever known." She waits a bit before continuing. "I think Fluttershy went."

"Sounds like her. As hard as it must've been for her… She's a lot stronger than I think anyone gives her credit for."

"Hope she's doin' okay."

"You know… she's still in town. We can go see her, if you like," I say gently. Applejack doesn't respond immediately, so I nudge her just a bit. "Of course, if you'd rather be alone…?"

"I don't know, Rarity. I'm just not ready, I'm so…" Applejack sighs, and buries her face in her palms. "I just… I'm…"

"Deep breaths, darling," I say. I put my arm over her shoulder, and even though I'm a bit wet from the rain, Applejack doesn't push me away. That's nice. "I'm here for you. You can tell me."

"I'm scared, Rarity," she says, finally. It's only a few short, simple words, but it sounds like it was nearly impossible for her to say it. "I'm so darn scared…"

"Scared?" That's not what I've been expecting to hear from her. The danger is alleviated, the problem resolved permanently. So what does she have to fear? "I don't understand, darling. What are you afraid of?"

"Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law." It takes a moment for me to understand, but I realize after a spell that she's quoting The Bible. She has this solemn expression; A contagious guilt and remorse as she confesses her sins. "For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not kill."

"It wasn't on purpose. None of us ever meant to hurt him."

"Don't matter what we meant to do. He's dead now, and it's our fault," says Applejack. "And there ain't nothing we can do about it now. But I just keep asking myself… Am I… Am I gonna go to hell when I die? For what we did to that poor boy?"

I'm not sure if I believe in heaven, or hell. It's been a long time since I've given it any thought, but it's something we can never know for sure until it's too late. Still, for someone like Applejack, I can see how that would be an important question to ask. She's lived her whole life adhering to these rules and beliefs, and in a flash, she had to break arguably the most important of those rules.

"I don't know the answer to that, darling." After a short moment of thought, I get my words together and break the silence. "But what I do know is we've seen hell already. We've been through it right here on earth, and I wasn't scared for a single second, because I had you there by my side. We survived together, and if we're destined for fire and brimstone, there's no one I'd rather go through it with than you. Besides… depending on who you ask, I was going there already anyway."

Slowly, I reach for her hand, and just as slowly, she takes mine into hers. Our fingers intertwine, and I can feel her grip me tensely. For a while, we sit there in silence, hand in hand, while the world spins around us. I feel horrible. I'm sure she does too. At the moment, it doesn't quite matter, though, because we were horrible together. What more could I want?

"Yeah… I s'pose you have a point," she says. She looks up at me and smiles, tears in her eyes. "And I reckon I'm right there with you."

Applejack lays her head on my shoulder, and she finally breaks down. Tears race down her cheeks, and her body shudders against mine. There's a trillion things I want to say to her. Things about what we've all gone through. Things about how she feels. Things about how I feel. But this isn't the right time, and certainly not the right place.

I decide to settle for holding onto her tightly as she cried, not lasting long at all before my tears joined hers.

Comments

[BiggerNate91]

I'm a little confused, is this Hero's Guilt? Did the girls finally learn that you can't always save everyone?

[chillbook1]

11779166
A bit of all of that, yes. Largely, it's a story about guilt, mourning, grief, and living with the consequences of doing "the right thing".

On a lower level, it's about how a group of friends cope when something terrible happens to them

[Pete100]

This is a very interesting concept. Most of the times in stories as long as a hero has good intentions they are in the right and everything works out, but this seems different. I’m very curious on where a story like this will go.

[TheGJ90]

This was... powerfully real.

I wonder though:

Did the kid get killed by the girls or did he get killed before they could save him?

[BestinDworld]

will we find out the whole story of what went down i wanna say dark magic and an innocent boy who meddled with things should left right alone

[Mzuark]

This is intense, good work